The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #367 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: March 31, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   ScoreBig - When you go to ScoreBig.com, click on the microphone and enter code: JOEY. to get $20 off of your first order.   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout.   Recorded live on 03/30/2016.


I'm so high already. Why are you? Why are you trying to give me a... You gotta eat 7.25. If it gave you one, like a wing on it. It's okay. This is for soldiers and shit. That's for soldiers?

Yeah. All right. What the fuck. Jesus Christ. Start this fucking thing, will you? Okay. Okay. This show is brought to you by Score Big.

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You had nothing going on to that. Oh shit, what did you fuck up? Oh shit. March motherfucking 29. That's what's going to happen, bitches. Let's dance. Oh shit. You bad motherfuckers.

The church of what's happened down. Wednesday night, March 30th, March 29th, I'm sorry. April Fool's weekend. Who gives a fuck? here we go Michael Jackson's brothers in 83, 84 putting it together

look at them here we go oh shit what's going on over there fucking Mr. Dancing chef So how many groups did the Jackson's have then

because so there was the I thought it was going to be the Jackson 5 when you told me about it but it's the Jackson's it's the Jackson 5 then Michael Jackson and his brother left. Okay.

All right. Michael Jackson went solo and Jermaine went to Motown and started his solo label. He stayed with Barry Gordy because he was married to Barry Gordy's daughter. So the Jackson's left. I think they went to Epic Records.

I'm not sure. Don't fucking quote me on that. And then what happened was so the Jackson's replaced Michael with Randy Jackson, who was the baby Jackson. He used to play the bongos. them was cute and shit, but he ain't know Michael Jackson.

I'm surprised they let it, I was surprised he left. So Michael had to go solo. You know, he wanted to go solo. He didn't want to be in Motown no more, whatever. So the beauty of this was that, all right, so Michael did the greatest hits. They ended off the wall. Okay. Off the wall came out like 81.82.

I went to the show with Kurt D. Lorenzo for $15 fucking dollars. And the garden was not sold out. It was like a Tuesday night It was not sold out And I was blown away He did some Jackson 5 songs And he did off the wall songs Then Thriller came out

And then he did a song By a guy named With a guy named Maxwell Somebody's watching me Maxwell turned out to be Barry Gordy's son or nephew He was doing a favor for him To get his career on track

So when Michael Jackson blew up with Thriller I guess he did a world tour with the brothers. So it was Michael Jackson. It was called The Jacksons. And they put that album out called Victory, which came out when?

Check it out. Victory by the Jackson's came out maybe 84, February of 84, March 84, maybe something like that. Let's see. It was July 2nd of 84. What fucking think of dealing with?

But Thriller was already out. You follow me? Thriller had come out fucking the year before. Okay. So Thriller was on two years before November of 82. Thriller was just on fucking fire at this point. They released this album and had two songs out of the fucking seven albums.

It was no barn burner. But Michael Jackson did a world tour again in the summer of 84, and I saw him with the brothers. Right. Okay. And there was nine nights at New Jersey Meadowlands. Then the following week, Bruce Springsteen, came in with the born in the USA

motherfucker and he did nine nights. Who would you compare Michael Jackson to like celebrity wise? Because I was too young to know. I like I knew of him but like when he was huge like for people now like Taylor Swift like I'm just trying to think about who a Kardashian bigger than a Kardashian

like he was internet like in 84 it was over like the summer of 84 it was fucking over. He ran shit. It was him, Prince with fucking Purple Rain, Bruce Springsteen. It was the last great fucking summer.

Like I saw probably not exaggerating. I just remember off the top of my head, you figure I saw the Jacksons, the pretenders, Rod Stewart, Huey Lewis in the news. You know, I was still living in New York City. And I was in the city. You know, it's a big difference when you're, yeah, I live in, no, no, no, no.

I was in the city every fucking day. So I had my heartbeat on tickets and shows and little things, you know what I'm saying? Like you're aware of what's going on. I worked at a bar at a hotel. So the concierge knew what was going on. They knew people who had tickets, you know, at the end of the nine, I got an extra tickets for, you know what I'm saying? Like, oh, you want to go to this club? There's a film premiere and shit like that.

I never really went to those. I liked all the music stuff. alive. Fucking mind-boggling, man. Like, just you sit there and go, what the fuck? But for me, it was something different because I grew up on the guy. I was here when ABC went off. I still remember

buying the hour of ABC from a window, like running in and going, that's the hour my wand. And my godfather buying it for me and me going home at 11 and still fucking putting it on. And my mom's like, what are you fucking crazy? It's 11 o'clock. And that type of shit. Like, I still remember being 5

or 6. And buying that out. But I was with somebody. I was with my godfather. We were by 42nd Street. And you knew of it already? I heard the song on the radio. ABC. You're a fucking five-year-old. You're a five-year-old kid. ABC is what you live for. And all of this is fucking black kid comes out and sings the song.

ABC is easy as one, two, three. This is right in your fucking neighbor. They were hugging you from childhood. They hooked you right there. They hooked me. I was his age. I was maybe a year younger. maybe two years fucking younger than Michael Jackson. So, you know, for me, I was there. I was there when that came out. I want you back.

And, you know, fucking the love you save. And then Ben with the fucking mouse, which nobody remembers. He sang the song to Ben. So it was Willard then Ben. Willard was a movie about rats, a kid who had rats and he'd attack. Send the rats on you. The rats lived in the basement.

He'd feed him. And if you fucked with him. me feed the fucking rats on you. Oh my God. So on a clip from Willett. Go ahead, Willett. 19- fucking 70 or something like that. I can't believe you don't know this shit.

This is the creepiest. That is not a movie I would ever watch. Yeah, and then they remade it with the kid, but nobody knew what the fuck it was. Willard, when I was a kid, was the scariest, most disturbing fucking film I ever saw as a child. And I saw a bunch of child movies I shouldn't have fucking saw as a child. This shit was fucking disturbing. Wait till you watch this fucking video or the trailer for it. Now, like I said, it also was released.

They did a remake of it. I forget the kid. His father was in hard times. They did it. See, what happened here, Lee? I don't know. The TV might have gone on the fence. I guess fucking, that's what happens when you came in an hour before the fucking show

and check things out. a cock sucker. He comes here and I hear. I get here at 7 and I check stuff out. Really? I get in there. You're texting back and forth with movies. What's on fucking Netflix.

Jesus Christ, too. I didn't see, I did. You had Willard, John Stewart. You want to do the John Stewart one? Yeah, let's see that one. That's the one. It should be the fucking one. But see if they got the trailer.

This is the trailer? No, this is not. No, no. Willard, the movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Christ, on a. It's right here, part one. You want to watch that one, or do you want to look for the trailer?

No, the trailer. Okay. Willard. Capitalized Willard. So they know you, there you go. Watch Willard. Watch this. You're going to want it suddenly.

He wants this goopy shit. I already don't like it. Look at this. Look up here. These are his friends. Ben and Socrates. Willard takes good care of them. And they will do anything.

Nope. Nope. He would take him the parties and shit. No. This is my nightmare. Look at this. You made me hate myself. Well, I like myself now.

Where your nightmares end. I told you. There's rats everywhere. No, right. No one. No one. It's the one movie you should not see alone. I'm telling you, dog.

What the fuck do you think you do? Listen, people, I don't know nothing about movie. I don't know about stars and meteors and fucking what happens in London. I don't give a fuck. But when it comes to creepy fucking movies, Uncle Joey runs the fucking gambler, right? Put on Will and put on another scene from just a movie. It's fucking crazy. Let me tell you something.

I forgot Ernest Borgnan was in that movie. This is a legit movie, people. Ernest Borgne, 1970. Here I am seven years old. I can barely fucking speak English. and I end up at this fucking movie about rats. Now, when you're sitting there, watching rats.

One thing I remember about this movie was that everything became hypersensitive. Like my own foot scared my own foot. Like, you ever like have your foot touch your other foot? Oh, yeah. Like, that's how scary that movie was. Like, I left there too. I couldn't deal with this shit. I couldn't deal with this shit.

I couldn't deal with this shit at that age. But to think that this came out, and then they redid the fucking thing and they couldn't The kid couldn't Jesus Christ What's the fucking kid's name That we did it

Glover Glover did it Dan Glover No not the black fucking dude That's the black actor Come on But what should I put in

Just put a Willard Put full movie Just so we can scare the fuck out of you Lee There you go Put the full movie Just put that scene right there

Complete yeah Let's see And yet Our podcast gets taken down But the entire Willard up there. This is the scariest fucking thing I ever saw

when I was growing up. I'm telling it was this, and that was the devil's tongue or the devil's disciples or some shit. You don't need to put this on. People don't set and stuff. It'll creep you out. You ate four stars. You don't need this shit in your fucking life. So the sequel to this

was Ben. Let's see the trailer for Ben. All right, there you go. So Willard came out in 70. So I'm seven. And then the movie Ben came out. There you go. 72. What's this? Oh, no. It's a...

Yeah, where Willard left off. Look at this shit. From Sinai Lama releasing. And this time, he's not alone. Is Ben the last one from Willard's pack? Oh, damn. He was Ben. That's the name of the leader of the rats.

There were some pages from Woolard's diary in the newspapers. There's a fucked-up movie, guys. See, Socrates, Ben was somebody's son. No You're like to watch the street Was it like the studio out of money They could just hire rats The rats took over the city

They're reading it's a line down there There's billions of them And they're coming for you They're coming You're gonna burn you Ben And then they're gonna drown you Run Ben Run, run please

Why does he like Ben? and his army of rats. This is fucking crazy. You see what I'm saying, Doug? You see how intense the 70s was? Now, what year the Ben came out? 72. So I was nine,

and I was already getting traumatized by fucking rats. That's why I hate fucking rats. Now I'm thinking about why I hate rats. Not the ones who snits. That's bullshit, though, these fucking things, these animals that live in New York City that I saw growing up.

I saw a fucking rat one time after this movie. It was one of my godmother's Buildings 1148 Street in the basement. I was taking the garbage out. Okay. This fucking rat's eyes. No. Was so fucking big.

Was so fucking big. I saw his head. He was like a little fucking chihuahua. I ran out of it. This thing was gigantic. No. These animals were huge. I can't deal with it.

I've seen him in the subway, but that's about it. What subway? New York. Both Boston and New York. I had mice and like I had a really old shitty apartment in my last semester in Boston. So I had mice that had to catch. But mice and rats are two different animals. Like crazy.

That would freak me out. Listen, I don't want to see nothing this shit. When I woke up in the middle of the night, in my old house in Jersey, when they built giant stadium, all those rodents from Seacawks started moving up north. So we all of a sudden had a small infestation, like one or two of them.

I'd be sitting TV and I'd watch them run out and run back in their fucking hole. I would shit in my pants. I couldn't even sleep at night. I couldn't even fucking sleep at night. So speaking of, I did that podcast. podcast with Dice. Yes.

And it's so weird that people didn't know what was going on. Like, people thought I got up, like something was going on. Like, I'd gotten a text. I just want to clarify it. I'd gotten up that morning to go to Ventura to do radio. And then from there, I went to John McCarthy's to do his podcast. And on the way the acupuncture, Dice called and said, I'm doing Rogan, but I can only do an hour. My press schedule is too crazy.

Well, let you meet me up there. Let's blow a bone. Let's talk. And then we'll do the podcast. I go, you know what? I can do the same, but I got to leave at 245, too. I have a 4 o'clock. That's why I did the podcast, and that's why I had to leave.

People thought about it. I only ate 200 milligrams. That didn't even affect me. That didn't do nothing to me. But the crazy thing was people talked that I had to leave, and why was I not talking? I wasn't talking because it was Dice's podcast. Dice invited me to be on this podcast. I can't go on.

There's podcast etiquette. That really is, and a lot of people don't. There really is a podcast etiquette. We had a guest about four months ago. He called me up like a man. He wanted him to promote something. Okay. We brought him in.

The podcast wasn't in one minute. He's yelling the fucking date. That broke the podcast. Now you're selling me. I just wanted to hear a fucking conversation. You know what I'm saying? Like that's, it was kind of fucking weird. Let's start off of the fucking conversation.

You just don't go for a pussy. You suck a ditties. You kiss a neck. You rub her fucking. fucking ears. And I think the issue might be is a lot of people might not listen to podcasts. The people who are doing podcasts now probably don't listen to other people's podcasts. Well, that's the thing.

You have to have some type of podcast etiquette. That's why I don't get involved in more than two people podcasts. Nope. I don't like those big eight people podcasts, five people podcasts, because it doesn't really matter because if I talk, then I'm talking too much. And if I don't talk, then I'm too fucking quiet. You know what? Here, it's equal opportunity employer.

We talk some shit. We smoke a few bones. We watch a video about fucking rats, and everybody goes home happy. That's why I don't get involved in those things and conferences and what happened with the fucking festival. Do they ever get back to you? I know.

No, I told you. Those things are kaput. That's why I don't do festivals. Because all this is you getting together with your buddies. There's no d'oree me on them. And at the end of the week, you'll get on the plane. You go, what was that about? I just left my home for three nights to do what?

To talk to a bunch of chumper? want to do it. I don't know. There's a few of them that are doing it, but yeah, it's weird. We've talked about it. Every time I've been involved in a festival. Yeah. It's been a nightmare. There's a by the way. There's always a by the way.

Because being part of a festival means that you get to see your peers and hang out and be a part of a panel and all that shit. But at the end of the day, in the plane, you go, what did I do? You were part of the same. something for

you know what I'm saying like so every festival I did way I mean I did like three or four festivals for comedy like mediocre ones like the Toyota one in New York I did the Latino laugh festival I did the one here downtown and I could tell you one thing

I didn't do nothing for me they weren't fun because I've heard Ari talk about he does a lot of festivals he likes all that shit but he loses money that's what he says that's a bottom line. And you don't want to lose money anymore. I don't want to have fun.

If I don't have fun, I go to the circus. You know what I'm saying? I have the fun. I get Ari. I understand, you know. Ari likes to go down and he stays out to floor, and they goof around, they smoke joints, somebody does,

I don't want to see somebody do the festival anthem. I don't want to see that. I don't want to be a part of that at all, ever, ever. It just isn't interested you. You don't want to be a lot. Not a lot.

Not at all. No. Not at all. Never. You know, never. A couple years ago when they were doing the laugh, the last, just for last in Chicago,

they asked for me to come down and I was like, I'm not really interesting. I got my podcast. I do my little stand-up. I'm good. I'm good. Is it because that, are you like angry because you didn't go to other festivals?

No, just. Years ago, it's better to want them to have. And a lot of times in life, you realize that. And not pertaining to a career, but pertaining to a certain move you want to do. Sometimes you get involved in something and we really don't think out the fucking plan. But that's what life is all about, learning from not really mistakes from experiences. I don't consider them mistakes.

I consider them experiences. There's a big difference between a mistake and an experience. And you can have an experience and nothing. fucking like it at all. You can have an experience and not like it all. I might take it to Morocco. You might talk to eight fucking momos at Starbucks who tell you

they went to Morocco and had great and they had the garlic hummus at Budas. And when you go to this hotel, make sure you see Moomoo he's the coolest guy around and you get there and the guy smells like a goat and the food is fucking horrible and your shit blood

and there was fucking stains on your mattress. and, you know, the place stunk like shit. I'm not saying that this is what, I'm just telling you from different experiences. So that experience for Joe Diaz, that he said it was great, maybe ain't the same to Lee.

Are you going to come up to me? Are you the type of guy going to come up to me and say, you know what, Joey, I love you to death, but that really sucked. No, you're a nice guy. You're going to get one good thing out of it. When I went to see a movie, you know, I know you, I went to see this movie at a festival,

who gives a fuck? So my point is that I wanted to, when I first got into the car, I wanted to get the festival. Say, listen, at the Toyota festivals, the soprano people discovered me. I have no ill-wilt-the festival. At the San Antonio Latino Laugh festival,

one of the best experiences I have. He'll tell you, he talks about it on stage with Bobby Lee. Who? Me and Bobby Lee. Oh, okay. We were both broke. Flat broke. We didn't know until we got there.

down there they were going to pay us in a check. So do you have to go to like a cash checking a check cashing place? No, no, a check that they were going to mail us in a month. Oh, no. And it was $50 a set, and we did three sets. It's $150. And they gave us a plane ticket

in the fucking back of the plane, barely with straps around our thing. We flew out in the air. We had to wear a winter jacket. That's fucked up. Yeah. And that was a big thing couple years. There was no per diem. There was no discounted breakfast. There was nothing. They took care of us in no particular order.

So in New York, I knew what I expected. All I wanted was a set there. So they put me in this fucking show that was horrific. Obviously, they didn't know me. I wasn't friends with anybody, so they put me to close the show at 12, 15 at night when everybody disappeared. Do you understand me? So now you're not friends with the festival dude.

So you follow me, they put slots. And then there was one other one I did. The one I did downtown. That one was about, was I still doing blow? Got to be close to when I got to. got off blow and that was it that was that that was it that was it

that was it you just prefer doing your own show and getting out of there get my own show and doing that I don't want to see nobody I don't be involved in nothing I don't want to know no group pictures no group pictures no group hugs I really did all that I paid my dues is it

are you just trying to save time like every time I think about like all the things you do I just think of like a wasting time and you're like, okay, well, I'm just going to cut out all of the fat. I wasted 30 years of my fucking life. I got a second chance. Do I look at the type of guy that has time to waste fucking time? I wish I could get 15 of those dirty back, and I can't by staying healthy, sleeping, resting, planning out my movements, not getting fucking aggravating.

not getting shot avoid going somewhere where a gunman's going to come in and shoot like a midnight showing a fucking Batman okay with my kid okay you just avoid this fat out of your life you know

I was strong enough for a certain AIDS I have a friend that I hung out with for years and okay the other day we're talking about friendship okay okay this was a very weird

friendship. We met in Seattle. I liked them. I liked them. But I realized something by the third month that he was a fucking horrible liar. But as a friend, I accepted that. You just lie

about things? Yeah. Lye about thing, lie about his dreams, lie about his you know, he was just to find his experiences and how they were and but that was him. I accepted him for him. And then he moved down here and I moved down here.

And we were friends and he opened his home to me. But during that time, I made observations. Do you know what I'm saying? Of his friendship. And now he would talk and different things that he did. And there was a time when I wanted to throw him a beating. But he had done something for me once. He had done something for me that was so overwhelming that not a lot of people would do.

That I just gave him a life pass. What did he do? He just did me a solid. Let's just say he did me a real solid what a guy would do. But the solid was that strong at that time. So no matter what he did, he accused me of a couple things.

He went behind me on a couple things. Now, I knew all these things. I knew all these things. There was times I'd get money and I throw him a little duke because he'd get mail for me at his house. For years, I didn't like getting mail where I lived.

live. Why? Just in case. I don't want nobody know my edges. So from 1990... Where do you come up with this stuff? So from 1990 to 2010,

nobody really knew my exact address. So I got my mail sent to his house. And my license was at his house. You follow me? I thought, yeah. So I would have to call him every day

and go over and get my shit. And sometimes my shit was open. From who? He would open. Oh, that's fucked up. And I couldn't say nothing. Yes, you could. And then he became something else.

He quit his job because he had gone to stupid Hollywood parties, and he had heard this term, and he wanted to become one of those people. So he had worked on stupid projects, and he did that dumb job, which whatever he'd tell you, His job was, you'd find out. Now he wasn't.

That's how bad of a liar he was. We knew other people that would get him the job. So he'd be like, I'm the supervisor, but he was a busboy. He was a busboy. And we knew people at the same place. And it just kept happening, Lee. You know, and here I am, 10, 12 years of the sky. And I thought that lying shit was going to wear off.

So that career that he told everybody, he was a big shot. It failed so bad It failed so bad That he got evicted from his house Still held on to his pride I never said nothing to him Wasn't my business I played along with the he wanted to leave

I had to go I got a job offer To be involved in a huge project Up and wherever the fuck he was from I was happy from he left It was an end of chapters In my mind I'm like, this bum is never going to come back.

I don't really have to deal with this shit no more. I'm down here fighting for my fucking life. It's 2008. There's about to be a strike. 2007. Yeah. 2008, 2007. It's about to be a strike.

He's fucking, I'm on the phone. Sorry about that, people. He's telling me how he is waiting for a check. and if the strike happens he'll clear $750,000 on this next project you know that he needs

to strike to happen and all this shit and I swear to God I got off the phone with him after that conversation and I go this guy's living in his mother's basement

meanwhile I'm down here living in Schrader addicted to blow banging it out getting fucking movies and trying to make moves and I'm on the phone

with some of the it 3,000 miles away trying to tell me in a place that the last thing they shot there was a fucking mule they haven't even shot a commercial in 200 years he's trying to tell me he's involved in a project that he's going to clear $750,000 dollars you know he got off that phone at that very moment I knew I was never going to talk to that motherfucker anymore yeah it was too negative you know why

because I don't have time for that shit no I'm trying to deal with real people You know, there was a time, Lee, where this fucking phone used to ring 45 times a day. Ask my wife. That's my wife. Go home one day when you come over and we go to my wife. Go back to 2006. What time would this phone start ringing? And one time with this phone, salute, motherfucker.

It's time for another bonogram. That's right. Someone who's just falling asleep at work. Bonagram, cock suck. This is what happened? I said someone who was just falling asleep at work. just woke right up. Okay, so there's one time

that your phone was ringing. My phone would ring at all hours on that night. I remember when we first started a date and she sat me up one day after like six months and she was like, I don't understand this lifestyle.

People calling here, calling your cock sucker. Was it the house phone or a cell phone? Boat. Oh, no, the house phone? That's terrible. And you probably make her answer the phone. No, no, no.

We had caller ID. So we know who was calling. It was always comics. friends and an agent or a manager. How did you get anything done with 45 calls in? And it was a lot of comedians who used to call me and try to work me. What does that mean? You know, hey man, what's up?

I listen to matter. I heard you're in this thing. Can you drop a headshot over there for me? And I would sit there and go, yeah. And then I think about it. And I go, how rude. That always happens when I was working on Hell's Kitchen, this girl that I had never spoke one or word to in high school.

Facebook message me, hey, I heard you're on House Kitchen. Can I send you a video? Because she wanted to be on the show. It's crazy. And one day I started going off on people one by one. Like just one by one. Like, listen, man, I can't do it. Like this weekend, I got three calls already for guest sets.

I don't want them to do guest sets. I don't want to establish that quota. I'm doing it on Thursday for Tommy Easter. That's it. I don't have guest sets on the weekends. They pay money. I don't want no guest sets. You're not going to.

enhance the fucking show. You're not going to enhance it by night. You just want to come down there and do stupid fucking jokes and then bury me. So guest sets in my future never happened at all. Because I don't want to ask for guest sets. When I was pounding it out there, I wouldn't ask for guest sets unless you invited me, unless you saw me during the week and say, hey man, what are you doing Friday night? I'm doing a show at the improm. Come do a fucking seven-minute guest set after the MC. I would never ask. That's not even in my fucking world of comprehension. But to get back to what you were saying before. Every year you learn, Lee, and you start cutting fat.

Let me tell you something. From 2000, and I kid you not, you know, I tell you how it is, Lee. From 2004, and you can ask Terry, from 2004 to 2008, Lee, I was going to three, maybe four lunches a week, hearing pitches, bullshit stories, me and people for coffee. I was open to anybody. You know me. You got an idea.

And I realized that half the people I was meeting with wanted me to do the work for them. And that's a horrible fucking family. How would you do the work for them as an actor, like fundraising and promoting and stuff? I had people come to me from, like when Spider-Man 2 came out and Mad TV. I had a couple things come out, but nobody talked to me as a stand-up. So people always try to put me on Bill. as that actor and then try to give me like a hundred and twenty-five out of and I'd sit there and go how does this work you know when you when I first moved to

Los Angeles the status quo was you got on a TV show or you recurred and because of that this is 98 97-99 2000 when you went to a local comedy club people would come see you because you had been on that TV show or you had been in that movie that all changed when I started booking movies. You follow me? All of a sudden I started booking movies, ah, that, that, that, that, that, that, that don't work no more. It's a new system.

Yeah, it's a new fucking system. So it was just really weird. I was, a lot of people want to shoot movies and use me. And I'm like, so what does it pay? What? Oh, you know, oh my God. There was this movie I met these guys for. I was just, I drove in Hollywood,

and I was at the light. And they used to be a, McDonald's there. And way before I met Lee Syatt in 1990 fucking 8 when I got from 240 to 3.50 in six weeks, Terry Clark would make a tremendous breakfast in those days. Wait, wait, wait. And I would shoot right from the house after smoking pot and go to that McDonald's before 11 and get the egg McMurton package with this Coke and two apple pies for a dollar. And across the street from there used to be a little fucking, it's high. It's Hollywood, it's Sunset Boulevard

and Highland, okay? The school is still there. Hollywood High, I think it is, or something else, is there. There used to be a Kenny Rogers freezer there, like a whatever, it's not there no more either. I don't even know

it's there now. It doesn't really matter. The story I'm trying to get to was across the street from there, guys, was a place, a feeder. Unless you fucking walk into that mall, parked your car, and walked around people, you wouldn't know there was a theater in there.

Like a movie theater? Like a theater where people go and watch plays, a one man shows and whatever. The guy that owned the fucking theater was Joe Jerkoff. I get a call one day to go in there to read for a fucking movie. You know, agents get calls all the time and they go, okay, Joe Diaz, they look at the paperwork, the paperwork with legit the sides. So I go down there.

I meet with the guys I read. Guy's a big tough guy at the first read. He says to me, listen, go home and learn the, like, in those days, I didn't want to shit. Like, unless I know the budget, you know what I'm saying? Because I don't want to go, I don't want to really go prepared. I want to show you that I could react to direction. Oh, okay. So a lot of times, if it's a, in those days, I was going on.

to read for a movie guys and it was four auditions before I got the movie. So the first one's called the pre-read. You read one paragraph, you meet the guy, okay, show up next Thursday. So now you go from like a shitty theater to next Thursday to a casting office, to the callback at the studio at either Fox, Warner Brothers, or Sony, you know what I'm saying, to the final read at Sony. That's how the system was in those days. And what is it now?

Now they call you and say, send the fucking reel and we'll put you on a veil from August 1st to the 19th. They've cut that in half because that's just budgeting. I got to pay those people, every step of the way. You think Lee's going to pre-read people for it? Final law and now.

Lee wants 200 the fucking day to pre-read people. Yeah, it's expensive. Yeah, it's expensive. So they cut out all those steps. They just got the casting and said, Let me see a list of your actors. They approve, okay? When you get these type of roles, offer them fucking guest-darned money,

and give them dates, send us all our tapes. We'll judge people from tapes. They eliminated you even making the ride down there. Now, do they do that for, like, the bigger roles? Like, my question is, could you stop accepting the roles that aren't paying you what you want and only go out for those big roles? I did.

I stopped doing a hundred-dollar-day movies, 265, whatever, 4-40s. I don't want to do them. I'm even saying now because you were saying you, like even now you're doing all offers. You come to me. You come to me tomorrow and you go, listen, I wrote a fucking script. Okay. Read it.

If you like it, call me back. Okay. I'm not going to look at you and go, can I ask your personal question? Is there a budget? You're going to go, that's there is. But I want you to read and call me back. Because I want you to call me and tell me that you wrote a script, but you wrote a, uh, a, uh,

character that I put play and I understand and the character understands me. I know I sound faggy, but I'm just getting to something. No, it's corrective. I could be a butcher, that whatever, I could do a lot of fucking dumb shit. If I read this script and knocks my pants off and I say to you, hold on one second, who's playing this role and who's playing that room? And you say to me, James Woods is playing this role, who's no big star, he's a character actor, that nobody would pay money to go watch in a movie. If you put him in a big movie, he's great. Right. But you're not going to put James Woods as the actor to go watch. Not usually, yeah. No. So, okay, so you say, you know, I've done a thousand hundred-a-old-day movies

with actors that are great actors. You know, the guy from Deer Hunter, James Rousseau, I've done a lot of great movies with guys that you've seen and go, wow, why is that guy doing a hundred-a-l-old day because they're probably giving him $3.50 a day, and they give him six days. It's $19, $2,000 without overtime. That fills in the gaps for those guys in between the big movies. Right. No, I understand, and I understand that you have to take other roles. Right.

But if you wanted to stop getting those small roles, could you just, do those bigger roles have auditions, or are they just giving up? Yeah, sometimes there's auditions, and you go meet with the director and the producer and the star the movie. You know, I've gone to a thousand movies when I walked in the room and there's a casting director, a producer, and John Thalwald. or fucking the other guy or, you know,

I've been in those situations. It's a shocking situation. Yeah, when you first walk in? Because they don't tell you. Oh, really? No, they're not going to tell you it's revolt that's going to be in the room or Johnny Bananah is going to be in the room

or Lysayat. They don't tell you a dick. They're going to go in there and read for the casting director. That's the first time. Then the second time, there might be a produce in the room. Then the third time, they want to see the chemistry. The dudes in the fucking room.

Yeah, that makes sense. The dudes in the room. They want to see the fucking chemistry. I'm about to spend a lot of money. Yeah, they want to see the chemistry in those high-line. That's why they call those screen tests. That's why they call those big TV shows like ABC now. They're picky.

NBC. Those networks are looking for a specific look. And they make you go in there and read. And it's a fucking nightmare. I saw Gabriel doing his new show right now. And a while ago, he Instagrammed a picture that Martin had to audition to be himself in the show. Right. That's crazy.

No, you have to. They don't give a fuck. It's like the Seinfeld joke. Yeah, there's no more yo you're coming in here. But the question you were asking me was what? How do we even fucking get to this shit? Huh? It's just about choosing the auditions you go on.

Choosing the auditions you go on. But this fucking dude, I had to stop talking to him. And one of the reasons why I stopped talking to him, honest to God, was because of time. I started chopping away at time. People go to me, Jesus, Joey, where did you come from? I've been doing comedy for 25 years this June. I started using my time correctly around 10 years ago.

And that's when I started becoming a comic. I've told you a thousand times. I know a thousand people who don't have jobs, but they're always busy because they manage their time. they wake up at six. And from seven to ten, you'll catch them doing something. That's three good hours. Then, you know what?

At ten, they'll take a ride. They'll go to a library. They'll go to a martial arts class. They'll work out. Then they'll go back to work. It's control. It's waste of time. It's what you do with your time.

When I was just going to the comedy store and writing jokes in the car to the comedy store, that's what I got from comedy. But when I started sitting down and writing stories and actually, wow, going, wait a second, I should take that fuck out of there and replace it with a shit

or throw that joke out. That's when comedy flourished from me. That just doesn't happen in comedy. That's going to happen with Paula when she becomes a lawyer. That happens when you're a dentist. That happens when you work for yourself

and you're an artist. Time management is the most important thing. That's been the hardest part from the years. Okay, and then you start thinking about why am I meeting this jerk off for coffee. This is my prime time money area. If I'm not writing,

if I'm not picking up an envelope, I'm writing. What am I writing? I got 10 things to write. A book, a fucking TV show, and a special. So,

unless we're doing something as spectacular, it's a no. It's a no. And I stick to my gun. But I've done that all alone with comedy, except I started chopping it little by little. If you're a new guy and you come to me right now, what are we talking about today, Lee? When we're talking about the honor protein powder.

What was the key word we spoke about? Lifestyle. Oh, yeah, lifestyle change. Lifestyle. That's what happens to people. They become comics. They try to become a comedian, but they can't adjust to the lifestyle change. You've got to start telling you.

gonna start telling people no and it goes away from your mind it disappears from your mind and i have a problem where i always assume those people are going to get mad but they never really do nobody gets mad everybody understands no is no there's a thing where there's a lie there's a thing that's called a brutal lie but it's happening a brutal lie is i can't do this no more ideally can't afford you and I just can't do this no more with you. I think I'm going to cancel a church. And you wait two weeks. You go get an editing job.

And all of a sudden, I'm doing the church with somebody else. That's a brutal lie. It's a brutal lie. This happened. That happened. This is why. It's a brutal lie. Yeah.

And there's things that are called white lies that hurt no one. Hey, what are you doing September 26? I'm getting married into Bahamas. Joe Diaz has a show. Well, I looked at his website. It's not on there. Oh, it's on there. You just haven't looked close enough.

You know, I don't go on the road with Joey, but for some reason, that week, he wants me to go with him. Paul is sitting there watching TV, eating popcorn, looking at you, like, you know, that's a white lie. These are business. reasons. You just don't choose to go to the Bahamas on the 26th for somebody's wedding. And you don't want to ask, is there a cruise? Are you paying for the cruise on the way down there? Are you paying for the hotel? Because somewhere along the line, this is going to cost you money.

A ton of money. And a ton of money. And you don't really have time for nine days. You're in the middle of a podcast. You're trying to do the podcast with the girls. You work in your consulting business. So what are you telling me? I can't I don't have time They freak out Come on what do you mean you don't have time for me Joey Diaz We've been friends for 20 years Let me talk to Paula

She's Gregia Yeah You know it's fucking so hard To explain yourself to people sometimes So sometimes you have to say a white lie Sometimes and people It's business It's fucking business

sometimes Lee I don't have the time to explain to you I don't know you well enough to say you know what my daughter gets car sick on the way fucking down there I can't take you down you know I'm saying like I don't have time I don't know you that well right you know after a certain age you start thinking out the move before it happens hey what are you doing next weekend me and some friends are going to San Diego

and we want to see if you want to go down there We're going to leave on Thursday on the train. Oh, so you start doing them that. In your head, you start thinking about... Right there as they're telling you right. Yeah. Like, wait a second. That means I got to pack.

I got to cancel work on Friday. I got a fucking pack. I got to get somebody who wants the cats. I got a fucking... And who am I staying? We're all going to share rooms. You know, we're going to... Three people are room.

That means I got to smell somebody's farts. And here's somebody talking all night long and somebody's going to be drunk in the room. All I want to do is do blow and get my dick suck. I'm very happy. Why am I dropping 800 to go to San Diego? I'm not going to get my dick suck. I'm not going to be in a room with two of the people.

I'm not going to stay home. Say 400. Still a Nateball by myself. Maybe the neighbor will come over and lick my balls. You probably take a chance. Columbus did. That sometimes you make a fucking, you know where this is going to go.

And you know yourself. At a certain age, one day you go, fuck it, I know my man. myself. Is this what I really want to fucking do? It never is. Like, all those vacations that you really plan always seem to have something go wrong. Like, the really over-planned vacations like those. And especially, I hate going on those trips where people are sharing rooms because then people are like splitting bills at restaurants weirdly and they don't, that's just, I want to deal with it.

I don't know what I want to do now. till when? Listen, I got to get up tomorrow and go to Bray. I know that for sure. That's for sure. That's a positive. I know I got to pick my wife up tomorrow. That's a positive.

That plane might be late. There's going to be severe weather in Chicago and fucking Paducah. There's going to be bad weather in Texas tomorrow. All across the fucking Iowa is the whole fucking deal. I got that going on. I got radio in the morning. But between fucking 11. And five, I really have nothing much going on.

If my wife cancels a flight or whatever the fuck. You know, that's my time. That's my time to choose. So I leave that open. I'm going to see how I feel. If I'm sore from Jitsu today, maybe I won't do kettlebells tomorrow. But if I'm not, you follow me? If I'm not so, I do kettlebells.

I don't know what's going to really crack till the morning. You know what? I might get a call at 9 a.m. to go for an audition at 12.15 tomorrow. for a big time fucking movie. That's always, everyone can never understand when they call me and they're like, how many times?

When are your podcast this week? And I'm like, I don't know. How many times if I called you? And I've told you, and I've told you, nobody knows nothing. I don't know nothing. Yeah.

I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. I don't know nothing until tomorrow and morning. Because it changes. I've, I've, I've sat there until seven and shut the fucking phone off at seven. and got back to the phone at 10,

and I got three missed calls from a fucking agent, or three messages from an agent. Because nobody else leaves me messages, just, you know. Just the agents. I remember when we were shooting or getting ready to shoot the documentary, like your wife put me through like a Joey Diaz boot camp. Like every time I started to ask a question or like try to clarify a date or something.

No, no, no, no. We don't know nothing. We don't know. We don't know. until the day of. And it's funny because people contact me with plans and agendas. I don't know nothing.

I don't know nothing. Why do you bother me? How can you say that when you have to have a plan and an agenda? It's the other day some kid hit me up. Hey man, I'm a big fan. I just want you to know that when you come to Buffalo, I love to be a driver.

I want you to come over and eat. Listen, why are you bombing me? Buffalo is five weeks away. I'm not even worried about Buffalo right now. Buffalo is not even on my fucking radar, even if I wanted it to be. I'm worried about Braille. I'm not even worried about Monday. I don't know what month.

Why? Who knows? Hey, Joy, what are we doing next week? I have no idea. Yeah. I have a rough schedule in my mind. But no one gets to see that one. But no, it's loose.

it's very loose. I'm a little sore. I took on a leave. You know, I got to do radio in the morning. I got to shoot out of the fucking house earlier, Mom. All right. I don't have my car. I'm driving my wife's car,

so I haven't had the phone in the car. I don't drive with the fucking phone on the car. I just don't even put it on. Right. Because why pick it up and give a ticket? I get pissed when I see people driving with a fucking phone. So I don't pick up my fucking phone. If I'm in my car, I'll Bluetooth.

a little bit, but in my wife's car, I don't know how to Bluetooth, so I leave it the fuck alone. I don't touch nothing. I don't touch nothing, because I don't know if I want to break it. You get these people to get in your car to start touching things. Next to you know, you put your car on, you got opera and Chinese. You know, what the fuck is this shit? Are you listening to the Chinese? No, but I've had that.

People come in my car and they touch shit. Don't touch nothing. I don't touch nothing in your fucking car. You know what? I put the radio on. If that's not the music I don't want, I just shut the radio off by the video. I go I go

I go deep into my thoughts we got thoughts I go deep into my fucking thoughts I don't have time people come in your car every time I my wife touches my car

next you know I get in the car I bust my knee because it's a midget seat I don't even I fit in it but my leg goes I break my fucking ankle

every time I get in when you're going just shoving your foot in there like yeah I got to tell every fucking time listen every time you get out of the car put the seat back where belongs

one day I'm going to break my fucking ankle in the goddamn car. I don't touch nothing. I don't do nothing. Listen. I don't do nothing. I don't touch nothing.

And guess what? I don't want to know nothing. I don't want to know. I don't want to do nothing. I don't know. I don't know. More importantly. Most importantly, I think, with you.

I don't know. And I don't fucking want to know. I have no idea what I'm doing July 12th. But you know what? I really don't care. And I really don't care what you're doing. It's not like... I wouldn't be surprised when Dave,

you just got a call on here and just left. I've been stressing out lately. I don't know if you know it. Like last week, I was in hell last week. Well, can I ask why? I was in hell last week because I had to take this trip with my wife

the fucking... Whatever. And then, well, I got on the plane. Listen, I fly for a living. I don't want to go on a plane. They go somewhere. I want to go somewhere.

Take a picture. send it to me on the top. I don't want to go nowhere. I don't want to say nothing. But save the stamp because I don't want to know. I've been getting eaten alive. Somebody invited me to their wedding. And my wife told him, you know what?

You got to talk to him, you know, the date, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then the person called me. And I said, listen, man, listen. I'm going to tell you something right off the bat. Because I can't lie to that. I can't give them a white lie. I said, listen. I suffer from extreme fucking anxiety.

You know what that means? That's a new type of anxiety I invented. That means if something bothers me, I started yelling and screaming and shit like a retard. I don't know nothing. I don't want to sit. So I told it, I said, here's the deal. You got to pick one.

And she goes, what are you talking? I go, you got to pick one. And she goes, what do you mean? I go, it's either the church or the party. And she goes, you won't come to both? I go, you want me to lie to you? I'll tell you the truth. And she goes, why not?

And she goes, I was going to invite you to the dinner. I go, that, that, da, da, that's not going to happen. That's not going to happen. That's the rehearsal. Friday night, that's never going to happen. The only way I go to the rehearsal, it's a chance dragging it. I broke it down, just like that.

For anyone's wedding. I don't give a fuck. No, I'm saying? If it was like someone, will you, well, you go? go to one in another day? I could talk to them. We grew up together. Okay.

So I said, the only way I'll go to this rehearsal, then I said, we go to Chan's Dragon. And I heard silence, just like the way you're looking at me right now. So I knew that I wasn't going to find. And she goes, why not? And I go, because I'm not into that shit.

I'll sit there that drives me crazy. After 20 minutes, I got to go. I got to go. What do you want? I got to get out of here. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck what you. I don't care of a truck with lasagna.

That doesn't mean. means nothing to me. I want spare ribs. The only thing that will calm me down and make me listen to all these people and their stupid stories is if I got an egg roll and spare ribs, I can just look at them and smile and shake my head up and down like I give a fuck while I'm eating the fucking leg roll and the mustard. You understand me? I'll sit there and look at you and nod my head. Sure, yeah, fight, right, whatever. Yes, I'm in the death?

Yeah, oh yes. Yes, people are dead. You got it sometimes. What is this noise? I sit here every night, it sounds like the fucking train the Godfather. I'm supposed to shoot you outside. What is this fucking noise that we got that?

They must have a flight schedule directly over. What time is it? Where's it coming in from fucking NASA? This is amazing. So that's it. I just don't like doing none of that shit late. I wasn't raised that way. I like being a free spirit.

I can't commit to a date. You want me to get on a plane and not pick up an envelope? I got to go and see a palm tree. I don't want to see a palm tree. I don't want to see a palm tree. I live right. I got a palm tree on my block.

I do. I got a nice palm tree on my block. I got to go down there and see a golf. I don't want to play golf. I like exactly how it's done. No, what are you going to say to parents who say, well, when mercy gets older, you're going to have to be on some sort of a schedule.

I do have one on the schedule. I don't mind her schedule. I'll do whatever the fuck she needs to. do. That's a complete different game. She needs to go. Oh, she can be on a schedule. Oh, yeah. For her, I'll make my schedule around her because I enjoy her company.

Yeah. So, you're gonna, like, are you gonna go to, like, soccer games and all that stuff? If I'm in town, fuck yeah. That's gonna be so much fun. Listen, I want to be a part of that. I have plans. A man without a plan is not a man. I enjoy going on the road. I enjoy

writing fucking jokes. But you know what? The flight's back is starting to fucking kill me. And, the dizzy spells I get when I fucking drive. I get fucking car sick. I've been good this week, so I'm doing something right. I haven't got car sick all this week. I also haven't been up and down in Laurel Canyon.

So, okay, I got on that. I went to Ventura, didn't get car sick, went to Oxnard, didn't get car sick, drove all the way down to 4 or 5, didn't get fucking car sick, so I'm doing something right. Maybe take the 101 to the comedy store now. Try that. I got it all the way around.

That's too much mileage. I don't want to do. But, Lee, seriously. When I started respecting my time, when I started making big movements in my life. Okay. When I started handling my time. One thing about me is I loved getting up early

since I was in the fifth grade. Once I got left back, I wanted to do everything on my own. I did everything on my own. I like doing everything on my fucking own. Like something like this week, I almost burnt the house down twice. Then God Lee was here.

One time I left the stove on, the other time I left the fucking oven on, I left the back door open. I'm a mess. I can't be around those animals. I feel so bad. I feed them and hug them. shit. They're living like, what the fuck

is going on? My mother's been gone for a week. You've got to respect your time. Rogan has a big, it's a big time guy. The big time guys, they have time. Mitch Headberg really taught me the importance of time.

You could fucking light Mitch Headberg's door on fire when he lived on Sierra Bonita. From 8 to 12, Mitch Headberg wrote every day. And he would not, there was no phone, there was nothing. There was nothing. There was no radio. There was nothing.

But that's what worked for him. He respected that time. There was a comic years ago. His name was Corey Miller. They called him Zoo Man. I don't even know. I think he shortened it to Zoo because they tried to sue him. Zoom Man came out here, Corey Miller, and got a big time deal.

And I became friends of him. He's a very good-looking dude. He's still around doing college. It's very funny. Talented to the fucking end of time. But one thing I learned about him, in 1999 was that he wrote something seven days a week. Every day was something different.

Like a different subject? Different subject. Poetry on Monday, even though he wasn't a poet. He read his poetry. He was no poet. But he tried, that was his interpretation of poetry. For how long? Tuesday, he wrote comedy.

Wednesday, he wrote a screenplay. Thursday, he wrote a book. Friday, he wrote comedy. He locked himself in a room for three hours a day. He wrote his own. script. He took it to ABC. They didn't pick it up. He took his money, he left. But he did the steps

A to Z on his own. And his discipline was the writing. And guess what? Just because he was doing it, guess what, Lee? I wasn't doing it. Why weren't you doing it? Because I was lazy. I was addicted to drugs, so I thought that my system was better. And yes,

I was a naturally funny guy, but there was no content. You know what I'm saying? All I had to do is write a story of my life at that point. it and we would have had the bar rowing. Do you think you being naturally funny held you back? Yes, it made me very lazy

at times. It made me lazy after I got into the store. I think about all those years. It made me very lazy because I knew I could go up there and smoke and mirror them. Now, at least, I'm giving them something. I'm giving them something about myself. I'm leaving something up there.

And they're getting it, you know what I'm saying? Which I want to switch it up on this next tour. You follow me? I really want to switch it up. That's why I've been hibernating. Just trying new shit. You know, you have to evolve. When I was on MMA's podcast yesterday, we talked of evolution.

I learned a lot from MMA from evolving. Speaking of MMA, something happened this week that people in shock up. You know, we need to talk about it because a lot of people ask me about this. You know, the email numbers have been going down for the last six or seven weeks. They went from being 90 emails a week. 70 emails the week to 40 okay but the subject the main subject I was looking at this Monday afternoon when I was answering emails the main subject still is people trying to get their shit together and how it starts and it starts with a plan and

there's a way to do it and there's a way not to do it because there's different situations of getting your shit together and they're sitting out we've discussed how many times I got in trouble as a young man and how much police contact that had as a man. I could look you straight in the eye, Lee. The only disdain I ever had for a police officer was for the police officer who was in charge of my case in Boulder. Which one was that? His name was David something. Oh, um, uh, which case was it? The kidnapping case. The other case. Because he really believed that he was doing something and he wasn't doing anything. You know what I'm saying? Like, he really believes somewhere.

that he was doing something for the community or something. Why do you think he wasn't? Because he didn't know he's just a tool in society. That for every Joey Dears you put away, there's 19 more coming your way and there's nothing you could do.

Yeah, but he still has to do that. He still has to do it, but the way he acted during the whole thing, like he acted like fucking Adam 12, okay? But anyway, that was the only cop. But in that whole 18-month experience, I never lifted my voice to that man.

I just didn't talk to him, which really fucked him up. Did you not even acknowledge him, or what did you do? The only time I talked to him was the day of my arrest. And then he would come, they'd send investigators to talk to him, and I'd say, got to talk to him. I wouldn't talk to him. And then when we go to court, he tried to address me and shit,

and I wouldn't even look at the motherfucker. And part of the reason why was, because he was, because he was looking for me for a different case. And I didn't want him to look at me and fucking remember that he was looking for me for a different case at the time. But that's not the thing of the story. I never disrespected him.

In fact, the district attorney in the case, I bumped into him at the supermarket a couple of times. I ain't going to lie to nobody. The first time I bumped into him, the second and third time, I creeped up on him. You follow me? Because I wanted to talk to him.

And my relationship with him was great. In fact, those conversations we had reduced his sentence by three fucking years because he got to know the real me. You told you reduced it by three years? I lived it. I saw him. I saw it happen. I saw him drop from nine years and eight to four to six and then they gave me four.

It was his call. I'm telling you this right now. Sometimes, man, like with club owners now, I have an agent that talks to club owners, but sometimes I call him on the side. and talk to him because I want them to know I'm a human being that's very important to me. So I wanted this district attorney to know that wasn't just a person

on a piece of paper and mugshot. I wanted him to talk to me. It was important. So I just went up on him one day and I go, what's happening? And he's like, you live around here? I go, yeah, I live around the corner. And I go, what are we going to do with this case, man? You know, I'm a good guy, and he started going, listen, man.

First off, I shouldn't be talking to you. And I'm like, listen, forget all that. talk to me. I'm a human being. Talk to me. I fucked up. But what you're saying I did, and what I did is two different stories.

Guess who was fucking up at that time? It was immediately. I didn't see it from his point of view. His point of view was correctly. I didn't see it as that extreme. It was extreme. And by him sending me to prison, he was saving my life.

He wanted me to know that what I did, at that time, me pulling the gun on you was what we did. That's what I was aspiring to do. So I thought it was fine. You were, you were aspiring to pull guns on people. So I understood. But the moral story is that I didn't really ever have a beef. I got arrested in New York a couple times. I got arrested in Jersey a couple times. I got arrested in Colorado a couple times. I got arrested in Miami once a couple times. I got arrested in Seattle a couple times. And there was really never an altercation with a police officer. In fact, It always ended with thank you, and I'm sorry for you having to do this.

And no, no, it's my job and that type of shit. I watched the John Jones thing the other day. And I could hear the disdain and his voice of the cop. I mean, they don't like him. You follow me? They don't like them from the other thing already. They know his vehicles. Right.

But what he doesn't understand is what John was saying the other day. John McCarty was saying that you don't have to drag race to actually drag race. It's revving your engine. That's drag racing. That's the law. So with all this aside, I've had a lot of people contact me and ask me a top subject that has always intrigued me

since I was a young fucking guy. I was around it. What's that? And I watched how it worked. Okay? It's a thing called probationally. and probation could be a real good thing or it could be a really fucking bad thing

but I'm going to tell you why it's a really bad thing because you've got to walk on eggshells and he's not going to walk on eggshells no the reason why they give you probation is because of the percentage factor they already know the percentage of you getting arrested

they already know that's why they agreed to it. First off, as a human being to a human being here. I'm a fan of John Jones. I love John Jones. Yeah, he's great. I knew John as a human being before he became a champion. I used to talk to him at the fights and giggle with him

because Tripoli's from the same hometown. And I used to drop 607 or whatever, 706, and giggle with him. And I got to tell you, he's a sweetheart of a fucking guy. I did not know as a fan or whatever that he did. blow. I did not know about this. I had heard rumblings and then that thing went down real quick after I heard the rumblings. The car crash. The car crash went down. And then I heard more rumblings and I just saw his behavior at different situations. And I'm talking to you people as a coke addict. You follow me? I'm not talking to you as some fucking guy that owns a rehab here that's

trying to sell you on psychology. I'm talking to you on the fucking the reels of this situation here. When he ran away, all that stuff, you know, you didn't go to rehab, he didn't stay the 30 days. All those little things are warning signs. And it affects the DA. The DA knows your frame of thought by you doing that. The DA is saying, this guy's not claiming responsibility. And I told you guys on this show before or on Rogans, when you don't claim responsibility at that point, you're never going to claim it. It's going to come back to bite you in the ass.

If you don't check on your skeletons from time to time, they're going to check up on you. And they checked up on me for 20 fucking years leave. That's why I'm talking to you about experience in this shit. Right. So when somebody gives you probation, let's say you get a year probation. A moron could do year probation.

Right. But it takes a slick motherfucker. You got to, okay, because some probation, they're not going to test you for THC. we don't want you bloodly we don't want nothing we don't want you piss we don't want none we're not even going to come to your house all we want you to do is come into the office

bring us your pay stubs part of the condition is you do 16 hours of community service in that year because unless you do the community service you're not going to end with probation they're going to bring you back to court and violate you so do that fucking community

service you go on the guide you get that over with because the quicker you get that over with the quicker you can plead your case If I'm a good attorney, I might be able to get you off on six-month probation on deferred sentence. But you can't do ugats. Nothing. You can't get a fucking parking violation. So the first thing I got to tell John Jones is why is he out late at night?

Right. With a fucking $200,000 car. I'm not sure if that's the price tag on the car. Do not quote me. I don't know nothing about fucking cars. But I think it's another example of saving things. time because he's on probation. He's about to have a fight.

He said people, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, stop right there. Okay. He's on probation. But the big thing is, all eyes are on him. Yeah. Forget the fight. But he has a fight coming up, though. Before the probation, before anything, all eyes are upon him.

All eyes are upon him. Yeah. He's a big and very. investment for the UFC. And he's fighting next movie. All eyes are behind him. He should be, people like so, he should have a driver.

What driver are you talking about? Your own probation. The only time you're out of your house when you're on probation, it's called sunlight to sun down. That's the only way you're ever going to make an unprobation. that's 50% of it right there.

I know a lot of you people looking at me going, Joey, you don't agree with you. Well, take a chance. Columbus is dead bitch. You will end up in jail because I'm cutting your evil percentages out completely. Nobody who listens to this podcast, if you ever get in trouble, God forbid, you're going to get in trouble in the daytime

unless you get a parking ticket or you get pulled over for a ticket. When you go pick up weed, it's a night. When you go pick a blow, it's at night. When you get into a fist fight, it's at night at the bar. So you understand me? The only way probation works is for you to look at the mirror and go, I'm never going out at night again.

Not to a movie, maybe to a dinner with my wife. And that's it. And I'm going to pick my route when I drive, especially when all eyes are upon. And he's Most people Are listening to this going Joey what the fuck are you saying

Lee when I tell you I did it I did it I took out my night life Completely Took it out At one point I knew The only way I could beat

My night life ended It ended Probably when I got to Colorado When I still thought I was Johnny Machine Guns And I would go out at night from time to time to clubs. And, I mean, from time to time.

But I cut everything. Like, I used to even get my Coke in the daytime and hide it for the night time. Do you understand me? Like, this is what I'm talking about. This is the discipline. That taste of our probation. Huh? That taste of our probation?

The only reason why I fucked up on probation was because of my hot urine test. Yeah. I used to give a hot urine test. But afterward, after I got out of the habit, halfway house. I was on probation. They put me on a long fucking probation. And after I did a year, I took it back to a judge and they signed me off. Oh, cool. And that year to me was not rough by no means. I knew what my percentages were. I still did Coke. I still smoked dope, but I went and got it at lunchtime. Okay, you got to do different things at different times.

I never, ever, ever, ever went out there year. Ever, I went from my job straight to my fucking house. Straight to my fucking house. I worked at Boulder Toyota at the time. I didn't make much money. I made maybe $28 to $3,200 a month. It was a store. People came in.

they had good credit. You have to do credit checks on them. They fucking lived in bolder all their lives. You knew where you stood. You sold 10 to 12 cars a month. Nobody broke your balls. They didn't give you a demo. They didn't drug test you.

You could smoke dope in the back. Everybody smoked dope there. I had a nice job there. But I swear to my fucking daughter, I went from the job straight to the fucking house. Because your percentages of going to buy coke will go higher. I knew this This is why they still haven't been

fucking jail right now They haven't been They haven't in jail until tomorrow morning And that's when the shit hit the fan That's when they decide Because listen to me They gave him a big break up front Do you understand me

When they give you a big break up front They're just waiting now Everybody looked at that fucking video You don't think that they He's going to be able to pay off the judge and be like, hey, man. This is the second fucking violation. This is the first violation. They gave him a big breather.

Now, a lot of people at home going, well, Joey, he wasn't drag racing. Maybe he caught. Listen, a lot of you get tickets. A lot of you people don't act like that way. Nobody who listens to this podcast has called the cop a fucking liar and a pig. And the guy didn't fucking smack him, which, you know, because he's, John Jones. I would have called.

If I'm a cop, I could. The guy didn't call eight other cops. The guy knew he was on camera. Oh, everybody. That's why I came out. The body camera came out. Yeah, no, no shit. Everybody knew they're on a fucking camera,

but he could also fucking call for eight other cars to come, and they could have pulled John Jones out of the car and asked him if he was drinking or if he had something in the car. They took a big chance that night. That was a big fucking shot that night. That was very big that night. If you look at it from that angle. I never thought about it that way, but yeah, I can see what you're saying.

Listen, I'm telling you that the bad things happen at night. Chris Rock said nobody goes to an ATM machine at 2 in the morning to do something good. Right? Nobody goes at 2 in the morning, and that's the truth. Same rule applies. When I was a kid, I used to go to Miami. And my uncle on Miami was on probation. And I remember him telling me, it's son to son.

And I go, what does that mean? He goes, after, once the sun drops, I don't leave the house. I go, then I'll let you leave the house. He goes, they let me do what I want. I don't leave the house. Because why waste for one party for one bad dinner, why waste another six years in jail or whatever would be? Well, no, no, no, no, that's not going to happen to you. Bad things happen when you're in a bar.

If I put you on probationally, you know what's going to be? going to happen one night? Let me tell you what's going to happen one night. You're going to go out with Joe Diaz. Okay. In the old days. You're going to hook up with Joe Diaz. He's going to invite you over to some fucking Irish bar on fucking Magnolia. You're going to sit there with Joe Diaz. Here you are on probation. Joe Diaz, three other jerkoffs, some fucking slutty girl. You're at some bar drinking. You know, oh, why am I here? Next thing, you know, a fight breaks out. The cops come in. I give you the Coke to hold.

As you're walking out the door, they pull you over, search. you and here you do got a gram in your pocket that ain't even yours you're just doing a felony favor that's how quick this shit happens on probation or there is a fight you come to my help you pull me off the guy the guy pushes me i bump into you you push the guy as you're walking away the cops come in that's a violation what's a violation you pulling me off that fight because right now the cops will walking in, they go, so who were you? My name is Lisa Ann. And what happened here? The guy's going to go, he pushed me.

I didn't push you. Fucking you hate my friend, and I pushed you to get you off him. You just admitted yourself what happened in front of the cop. So the cop has to write this in this fucking report. Now let's say the cop is a great guy. And he goes, everybody gets the fuck out of here.

He still has to submit that report. There's five cops there. Some reason I notice, you're on probation. And they're going to call you. Can you come into my office? They're going to read reports? Yeah. You have to assume.

You have to assume in today's age with the computers and shit. Once they processed that stuff. I said no one read those things. You never fucking know. It happened to me. I got arrested and got a PV. The reason why I have a fucking morning in Seattle is because I got involved at the fucking fight at the club.

And you are on probation? And I was on probation. And the cops came and didn't give me a summons. But they wrote up the report. So three days later, Seattle violated me for the fucking police coming at the fucking comedy club. Oh my God. That's crazy. That's like a camera.

So they came, they arrested me and threw me in jail. No bail until I went in front of a judge. The judge let me out, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Here we are 20 fucking years later. So those probation violations aren't no fucking. joke. He's in jail till tomorrow fucking morning. No money could get you out.

No attorney could get you out. It's like getting busted in New York with a gun. You don't make bail. It's 18 months. It's that fucking whatever law, the Brady law, whatever the fuck it is. And he has it even harder because he's, you were saying

all eyes on him. Always on him because he's him, but he's a star athlete. So he already, he is already based on probation. And then now he's on extra legal probation. Now he's racing. And he shouldn't let...

Let's say he wasn't racing. But he said the fans were being mean to him or something. So even if they were, just roll up your windows and let it go. I didn't know nothing about fans being. Let me look to it. Let me look at it.

All I seen was fucking him in the car talking like that to the cop and reading today he got arrested. That's all. All I know. All I know is he got fucking pulled overly. Okay.

Whether the fans were mean to him or whatever, it's my point. What the fuck are you doing out? What time was it when he was out? Let's see. I see what time it was. Tell me what time it was. Does anybody know? Let me check.

That's the most important thing. Let's pretend he was out at 9.30. He went to get fucking milk for his kids. Even then, that's what I'm trying to tell you. You got to make your moves. the fucking daytime because everything bad happens at night. Let's pretend there was 928 at night on a fucking Friday night. Okay.

That's how fucking crucial, I'm telling you. He turned himself in at 10 a. No, I know what time he turned himself in. What time did the incident happen on fucking Friday night, a Saturday night? It doesn't say to the article. He turned himself in at 10 a.m. You say I'll deal with people. Let me give some shoutouts real quick here.

Get this fucking party rolling here. I'm looking up for after this. Dead Squad, Charlotte. You know Jimmy Pitts, I love you. Ookie Spooky. Lewis Zumud. Freddie Correa up there holding it down. The comedy.

Bad motherfucker over there in Las Vegas. Josh. Pitway, Diana Mateo, and my man Pat Shea, I wish you a lot of luck. Bob Lillinger says, is at home recovering and my brother from another mother

Larry fucking boom boom the security agent my family happy birthdays his birthday in two days talking later on Twitter yeah what time did the incident occur that's what's the most important thing to me

yeah I'm terrified and he's out there with this fucking a million dollar car already people are fucking hating on you you know, you just hit somebody in a fucking car. You're in like a Volvo or something, like a family car that nobody's even looking at you, you know? These are the little things that you've got to clean up when you're trying to put your light together because people look at those fucking things.

It's like the 7-5 when they told them don't bring the fucking Corvette to the station. Right. And they brought the Corvette to the station. You're just going to irritate the fuck out of people. Okay, here it is probably. Motherfucker. You don't know what a fuck. Anyway, don't man.

I don't know. I can't find it. No, nobody's going to find it. That's the thing with probation that I never liked. They're going to give you a probation. You might as well do the 90 days. Say, fuck it. Give me the 90 fucking days.

And then you could just be off of a whole two years probation? 90 days. You're out of the situation. Did you ever do that a few times? I tried. And why didn't you? I tried to fucking go to work release when I got sentenced that time. they told me that that Monday before the Friday they go well we could hope for is two things

120 days of community corrections and then probation or 90 days work release and I'm like I'll do fucking work release and they were like it's not up to you it's up to the fucking judge the judge like was when we said work release he just just he he threw cold water on and he didn't even react to it. He was like, you're not doing no 90 days. So which one did he get? I got the six years in prison. Four to six years.

Oh, it was at that point in the... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you could have just gotten 90 days. I was hoping. See, I was hoping that was the best result possible in my world that I was going to get 120 days work release. I was already enrolled at the University of Colorado. I was in the C-R-P program.

They're like, come on. You can have to do. They're like, give the kid a break. He enrolled. He's in that. He's already in the fucking thing. He's part of something. They gave him a second chance.

You might as well gain him a second chance. So we kept up playing that angle. So we were like, this. Oh, we're going to go in there and flip him. We're going to go in there and flip him. Right in the courtroom, we're going to flip him. He's going to go, fuck it. 120 days work release, six years probation.

then we're going to do a year probation straight up and then we're going to go back to court and cut the probation out that was the initial plan and the judge just didn't want you to do that no community corrections turn me down community corrections has two different levels they have the halfway house and they control the county jail and they vote so both of them voted and said

fuck no we don't want that motherfucker is the person they're voting on your future Like a board There's a board A board of three So both of them voted me out So now we were going to try to get the judge To override everybody And say you gotta take this motherfucker in there

That was our only hope and prayer On Monday morning And what happened They sent me to jail instead There was no fucking even home He didn't even consider it He was like fuck you No way

No way Which when I looked at his face I knew the fucking alternative. When I just said that to you right now, I could just see his little fucking squirly face. He was a good dude though. He was small and he had a beard. He just looked like he was just one big fucking bush.

Or you could see where his eyes and his mouth, he just had a beard in his face and he was small. When he looked at that paperwork, and he kept looking at me and looking at that paperwork and looking at me, and I fucking knew it. Looking back on it, did you ever really have a chance in any of those other options? no. You were going to jail.

I was going in jail. In my mind, in my delusional cocaine mind, I was going to beat the case all together. If you had gone to them and just said, hey, get the deal that you actually ended up with and didn't do all that on the legal stuff,

your legal fees would have been like a 10. Right now, if I would have known what I know now, then this is exactly what I would have done. Okay, tell you. Right now, I would have got out on bail, number one. Number two, I would have committed myself to a 90-day rehab and came out and played the

fucking the role of the fucking rehab guy. And after on probation investigation, I would have said that it was my fucking fault. I would have copped to the whole thing. I would have copped to the whole thing in my probation investigation. And just

happened to no guilty plea? You planned the whole thing? No, that I knew exactly what I was doing, that the cocaine led me there. I would have blamed it along the fucking Coke. That would have been the Weasel Joe Diaz at that time. I would have said, I would have done 90 days in the rehab, came out, gone to AA for a month, fucked them off, just got fake signatures, did all the shit I used to stupid shit I used to do then.

And then, uh, I would never fucking learn my lesson. Instead of doing what I did, I went to a rehab and got off easy. Because I wouldn't have really adjusted to the rehab. I would have bullshited them too eventually. I would have just learned how to get off the blow like I did when I went to prison. When I got locked up, I didn't do blow in there. I adjusted my life not to have it. I got it out of my mind.

I knew it wasn't going to happen. And that was it. It didn't really stop the addiction. It just made the addiction grow. Just because you're not doing the drug, your addiction is still grown. We discussed this. Really? So you, the whole time, even though you weren't doing in prison, you wanted it.

Wanted what? Coke. No, I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I said that I knew in my mind I wasn't going to get it. But just because you're not drinking doesn't mean your addiction still exists. Your addiction is still there. Oh, okay.

So the addiction is there. Right. Let's say. Okay, let's say I'm doing fucking two eight balls a night, right? Right. And tonight I quit doing fucking eight balls. Okay. Right?

And I stay off for fucking 22 fucking years. And one day I start snorting. And guess what's going to happen? Within a week, I'm going to be doing an eighth. I'm going to be doing a quarter. a quarter is two-way balls because my addiction's still grown. I'll die of a fucking heart attack.

God forbid I would never do it. I'm just telling you that that's an addiction is constantly grown, even if you're not doing the drugs. I don't rest in peace, but isn't that what happened in Phillips and Wilharman? Right. He went back and there's rumors of other people

who came back from the dead and fucking came back from the fucking not doing drugs. You know, I just respect my life without the drugs. I really do. It's a fucking great experience. I like smoking the weed to calm me down a little bit because sometimes I do get hyper in the mornings and I start sweating profusely

and my mind starts racing. So I think it helps me. You know, I think in the real world, if I would have gone to see a psychiatrist, I would have been on one of those pills right now and I'd rather not be on one of those pills. That's why I'd rather do three little bunkets at you in the morning in the morning, get the party started.

But that's how you fucking survive a probation. That's the only way, especially when you have a fucking family. You have to start thinking about them. Again, not that I thought I thought I thought about my family when I was out there doing cocaine, and I was 25 and 26 years old. I was in the same boat as John Jones. I was in the same boat as John Jones, only without the millions of dollars. There was no millions of dollars involved.

But do you want me to tell you something? Even if there was at that time, it wouldn't have changed who I was. it would have just fueled my fire. And I feel that because he didn't go to that rehab, that's always going to come back to bite him in the ass. Should you think he should cancel the fight and go to rehab? I didn't say that. I didn't say that.

No, that's not going to fucking happen. What I'm saying is that sometimes when you don't take care of a situation, it comes back to bite you in the ass later and take it from somebody who lived alive at 27 fucking. years. I lived a big lie for 20 fucking years. Do I wish I would have went to a rehab? Do I think a rehab would have helped me between you and I? Not really. I think you're not ready to stop doing drugs. Do you stop doing drugs? I'm not saying that he's doing drugs at all. They would have ripped him out of the car that night. I'm not saying he's doing drugs at all.

But I'm saying that, you know, sometimes you should take him out of the car that night. I'm not saying that, you know, sometimes you should take care of little things. I ended up going to rehab, but it was a pussy rehab. It wasn't no fucking real rehab. I wouldn't allow a real rehab. I didn't want to get unbound. Why is it a pussy rehab? It was from three to six every night, four days a week.

How much can you chain somebody? From three to six, four days a week for fucking four weeks. Was it a world class instructor? It was a different instructor. And all they did was agitate the fuck out of me for no way.

understand me they would What did they do? They just like drip Ranch on your forehead or something There was There was two women in particular It was this one fucking older woman That had to be about 50

And she was a sweet lady But you know She was still a psychiatrist And she'd ask you fucking creepy fucking questions And ask you why And maybe this and doesn't And I'd tell you something

I'd go in there And every time I left there I left there fucking angry It was fucked up for me I was snorting while it was in there too I was selling coke from that rehab I wasn't doing it I was still weighing it in their bathroom and selling it

You didn't do it ever No I wasn't doing it that time I was touching it with a piece of paper and everything So why do you keep going back Because I had to the court sent me there No why to keep going back If you could stop doing coke You made the decision to do it then

Oh yeah I was doing it all the time At this time the only reason why I stopped was because I had an eye watching me. Okay. Okay, I was fucking in the halfway house. And even while I was in the halfway house, I was still fucking dealing blow and snort and blow. When they caught me, they wanted to put me back in jail.

That's a probation violation. That's a violation of your court sentence. When you get sent to a halfway house, you have to piss in a fucking bottle. So if you come back hot, they have to make a decision. Sometimes they take away your freedom for 60 days, and put you back in the halfway house and they take away your rights for 60 days.

So all you're allowed to do is leave the house to fucking work. And sometimes they destroy you in work release for fucking 90 days. Or sometimes they wrap your shit up and throw you back in county for fucking six months. And then you have to go back in front of a fucking judge after that. And he decides again what to do with you. And then they give you a new probation sentence because of the time you did.

Because whatever you did the time takes different. different days off. See, prison time is like two days for one day or three days for every one day. So if I, that's why when they give you six years, you do 42 months. Because the sentence gets shortened. But when you do county jail time, it's like fucking golden. It's like four days for one day. So that's why when I give you a year in county, it's like, it's like seven months. Do you follow me? Oh, so if you only get a year in county, yeah, yeah. So you get a year in every institution is different.

So if you get a year in county, you get like four days for everyone. So like... If you get a year in prison, you get three days for everyone. So if you go to jail and stay prison and you get a year, you do nine months. If you get that same year in state prison, you do seven months. Do you understand? I understand you, but you're talking about seven months in county. jail like it's like nothing.

Like, what do you do with all your shit when you're about to go away for seven months? Do you pay your seven months with a rent? No, you take your shit, you give it to Paula. And you say, put this in your house, I'll see you in seven months. Come see me on Sundays. Don't put panties on.

That's what you tell her. That's what you tell her. Or you pay rent and she stays there and takes care of your animals and shit. But usually when you put your in that situation, you know, I mean, there's not much. And then you even have to be careful in prison because haven't there been people who have been like maybe in prison on a probation violation and gotten shit in there? And then I've

spent like years in there because of shit they did in there. Well, listen, man, I don't know anything about that. I wish him a lot of luck. I really do. I wish I love him to death. I wish John to John John. John. John. I wish that he, uh, he, uh, he, uh, he, uh, he, uh, he, uh, he, uh, uh, he, uh, gets his handle. He goes in front of a judge tomorrow, so hopefully by tomorrow's afternoon we'll know his fate what the UFC decides. Because this judge might fucking add months to his probation or make him do 90 days. And the judge doesn't give a fuck about the UFC's event.

Listen, like I said, they gave a big chance. I can't give you two chances. And a Danes County jail, don't fucking cut it in my world. and a lot of people at home going But Joey the cop was Every cop in that town He did a hit and run He did a hit and run They all know his vehicle

The cop said he knew his vehicle Did he not? I didn't hear that part But maybe Cop knew his vehicle They all know his car now They see him at two in the morning They're gonna pull him over

Just for pulling him over I seen you swear But no you didn't You know Whatever And that's what I was thinking You have a bull's eye Why didn't they just leave?

Who? John Jones goes somewhere else Because he trains in Winkle John In Santa Fe In Albuquerque, I'm sorry But if he's going to be in prison every other week For a fake probation violation No, no, no, no

You can't run Because eventually the problem will catch up with you there He needs to live, like I told you, He needs to live his life He needs to train the day to and at night you're in with your family. End the story. Even if he lives that way,

if he's getting fucked, every time he leaves his house. No, no, no, no, no. In the daytime and at night is completely differently. He's not going to get fucked. If you leave your house, you drive the speed limit,

you stop at stop signs, not even how you stop. You see how you stop at stop signs? If you're a celebrity and you got a bullseye, I will pull you over and give you a ticket. You do a Puerto Rican stop. You stop and keep running. You gotta stop.

No, no, no, no, no, no. That's what people do not realize. Why do you think whenever I drive with you and make you stop exactly the same way at every stop sign? Because I never want you getting pulled over. And they'll pull you over for that at 10, 15 at night in a weird neighborhood.

Yeah, I got pulled over. Why are you in this neighborhood? I didn't know I was driving home. Have you been drinking? Now you got beef. Right. Do you understand me so? Anything that happens at night and happens to the daytime is two different fucking worlds.

Okay? In the daytime, guess what I could do in the daytime, Lee? What? I could say, Lee, what are you doing right now? Come pick me up. I have to go to fucking stop. Okay. To get a cheeseburger.

Let's go there at lunchtime. Guess what else I do? What do you do? I call my Coke dealer. They don't do me a favor. I'll give you $50 extra meet me at style. Don't let nobody see you When I get up to go to the bathroom, go to the bathroom

And I'll give you the cash That's how quick it happens at lunchtime I come back, I sit with you You didn't even fucking see the move You didn't even see the move Why didn't you just go pick it up? Because I'm trying to tell you How do you avoid heat?

I eat my fucking cheeseburger I get back in the car with you And I go straight fucking home And I ditch that fucking cocaine You know why I have you there? Why? Because you don't do it. do coke. I don't even want to hang out with nobody who does coke. That's how fucking probation

works. Okay. Do I drink booze? Okay then. Now I'm going to call a friend of mine who drinks booze but doesn't drink booze in the daytime. And I'm going to say when you go to a liquor store, get me two bottles of fucking booze and I pay for your booze. I eliminated that. Winkle John, yeah. You go to the fucking gym and you drive home. You go train at fucking 7 a.m. You stay that till 12, you eat lunch over there. Yeah, bring lunch. You hang out and you fucking go home at 3.30. And that's your day. That's it.

That's the way it has to be. That's the only way it's going to work. Without attracting attention. Anything at night, you're going to attract attention. And guess what? Guess what it's called? When you have the kiss a death on you, you have the kiss a death on you. He goes

to a bar one night with the guys from Winklejohn, Clay. We had a Andrei Alavsky, Holly home, they're going to celebrate somebody's birthday. Some guy has three drinks and calls John Jones a drunk or something like that. There's a pushing argument that cops get alerted. Guess who's going to jail? John Jones. It happens nine or ten times.

You have to avoid everything. Don't be out there. You have to live your life because the numbers are high for, regular people. The percentages are high for guys like you and I if we're involved in that lifestyle. Can you imagine for somebody who's got a target on his back?

It just makes sense. When I had gotten trouble for the kidnapping in Boulder, and then I lived in Boulder afterward, everybody knew what I had done. It's not breaking a window guy. It's not fucking

it was kidnappingly. Kidnapping as a class. That's one felony. Yeah. People know what you look like and they know what you're dead. Yeah, for some people, they're too stupid. They don't know. But all you need to do is get pulled over

and they know everything about you within fucking two minutes. Two minutes. And now you look that completely different. When I come back to your car knowing that you're a convicted felon, now I have my gang. I have my hand on my gun.

You understand me? Those words, So I knew one thing to do all my business in the daytime. So if you get pulled over now, will you say I'm a convicted felon? Not in 2 million thousand years. There's nothing on that normal. It's been over fucking 20 years. Oh, okay.

Right now you pull me over. You're going to get to go. What were you doing this neighbor? I went to do comedy. Have you been drinking? Not at all. There's no fucking smell a pot in my fucking car. I don't smoke pot in my car.

Never. No me either. So what are you pulling me over for? I do the speed limit. Only, in the high ways, I do it a little heavy for it. But besides that, you're not going to, you know what I'm saying? That's what it all comes down to. That's what tomorrow's fucking story is.

If you're on fucking probation, you have a bull's eye on you. You have to live a fucking certain way. That's it, playing a fucking simple. Do you think the UFC should be letting him fight? I don't know. I don't know. That's not, those are not my, I don't even care about that. Okay.

That's not about what this show is about what we're talking about tonight. Okay. Has nothing to do with the EU. This is what the fucking problem is with society. I don't do with the UFC. It's got to do with John Jones. And what he's going about to look at right now. You don't know.

This judge gives him a second chance. What if he gets in trouble again in six months? So whatever's going on, he's got to take care of this. I really want to find out what time this video was shot at. If anybody knows... Let me see if I can find out. I guarantee it's a time you shouldn't be the fuck out of your house. especially if you're the world champion

or trying to fucking beat the world champion in two months. That's why it was very weird. If you look at that interview between him and Joe Rogan, what does Daniel call me a say to him? Just make sure you're there. And he goes, you wish that you would be happy if that wouldn't happen. Because the percentages are always fucking high, man. Yeah.

It don't matter, man. It don't fucking matter. Anyway, this weekend, I'm at the fucking Brea Improv. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, starting tomorrow night. It's fucking force one star night. If you're in the neighborhood, in April, I got two good fucking cities. I'm going to one of my favorites. Buffy.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. How many wings are you going to get? Just six. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got a couple of fucking beef on wicks. And also I'm going to another one of my favorite cities. Indianapolis, Crackers. And that's it, motherfuckers.

It was a great week. I don't know what the fuck we talked about tonight. We got nice and high. And that's it. That's all I want to fucking tell you guys. You know, me, I keep it simple, dog. My fucking make-up shit that don't exist. March was a great month.

We had a great time together. You know, why fuck around? Like I said, man, I get these people who call me. They send me stupid shit. Sometimes I look at them. Sometimes I don't. Like I said, sometimes my attorney He likes him

Sometimes we discuss it They ran this by me And like I say, I always tell him You know what? Let me do it once or twice See how they react to it If they like it They'll let me know

If they don't like it We go to fucking hell We don't do them no more I'm easy guys I don't give a fuck about this This is just to keep the lights on To keep the fucking Lee and fucking Chinese food

He's going to kettlebell class Look at him He's getting new clothes He's thinking about moving a white friend Then he wants to make a pay house have to ramp. Yeah, of course you can. She's going to tell you,

you're going to be a lawyer. She's going to make more than I am. Shit, she's going to be fucking paying those loans back and she's got to send money to Mexico. She's going to be making more money than God. The cousin's got the chicken farm and shit, and there you are sitting on the car. You have the whole family living with you.

You got people playing the drums in your house. You need this shit. Anyway. People playing drums. You know what, man? Let me tell you something. I am cute. But I always like the fucking thing of being American.

I don't know. I really fucking dug it. Not that I'm not going to play a national anthem. You know what, man? I'll tell you what I still like. I tell you what I strive for. I wish I could look you in the face, Lee, as my friend and my call-working, my Gumbon.

Like I said, you guess what I did, Lee? What did you do? I went and bought two tickets for us to go to the Lakers. Oh, nice. And you're going to go, really? Yeah. Let's go down there. And on the way down there, you're going to sit there.

And you're going to go, I wonder what Joey paid for these. And you don't want to end up in the fucking nosebleeds or in the middle. So that's $400. And at one point in the night, I mean, you had a Laker game. It's not the Celtics. You know, we live here. We should support the Lakers. But at the end of the night, you're going to go, you know what, Joey, you paid four for those.

I'd rather you would have gave me a fucking steak dinner for $2.50. You know what I'm saying? Give me cash. You know what I'm saying? I'm sitting here like a Mokalikak, sitting here fucking eating, whatever. You said that to people? No, I didn't say that to people.

But Lee, this is how you would feel. It's expensive to go. In a way, it's expensive to go to games. One thing that's destroyed my insights lately that I don't really fucking talk about is, you know, what they've done to America. We can't go to a fucking basketball game. If you got two kids and a daughter and a son

and you want to do a family now the fucking baseball game. There's some stadiums that have dollar tickets, but then your family has to sit next to people of the fucking animals and they drink and they burp and they fart. And I don't know if I remember who do have dollar stadiums. It's like $20.

Like family, like it's a minimum of $20 or $40. You know, and, you know, people, it's just a fucking nightmare. You've got to pay $50 to park anyway. When I got this, I wanted to run it by you and just see what you think. What's the next big event you want to go to? You know, what is it?

you know, David Gilmore is coming to your town, maybe Black Sabbath, the final tour, maybe you want to go see a playoff game, whatever it is, you can bet that someone's going to pay less for better seats. How they use a new company called scorebig.com. They use a company, they use scorebig.com. You're paying too much for tickets. We all know that. Between the markups and the last minute convenience package, even print at home fees.

You end up paying court side prices for noseble. tickets. This is why I don't go to these events. ScoreBig.com is here to change that. Do you know that 40% of all live tickets go unsold? And did you know that there's a place these seats go at a huge saving? It's called scorebig.com. ScoreBig works directly with your favorite teams and artists to get their unsold seats at unpublished prices. Only at scorebig.com, can you name a ticket? ticket price and be guaranteed to pay below box office up to 60, up to 60% off. Here's what you do.

One, go to scorebig.com and find the event and seats that you want. Two, make an offer for ScoreBig's name a ticket price feature. Three, get an instant answer and save 60% on your ticket. No surprise fees and free shipping. just unbeatable prices on great seats and more when you're in great seats you actually enjoy the game or the show or all the more I'm telling you right now listen

you ever pay a bunch of money and you're sitting shitty seats it's kind of nice and it sucks ass and then you tell your friends it was a good show but you don't fit in the seed there's some fucking animal next to you someone left the lights on the last time and then exactly what they're talking about you will be looking at something,

oh, I have a budget for what I want to spend. And then as soon as you click on, it's like, oh, there's $47 in fees. So they're like, no, they're not going to do that. So what we're going to do is there's no surprise fees and free shipping. Just unbeatable prices on great seats and more when you're in great seats,

you're actually enjoying. I'm telling you, man, it tastes better. Anything tastes better in a Muldoon. Anyway, next time you go see any game or show, go to score big first, and see how much you can say. Go to scorebig.com right now, click on the microphone, enter the promo code Joey, J-O-E-Y, and you'll save an extra $20 off your first ticket purchase.

Again, stop paying too much for tickets, man. Go to scorebig.com right now, promo code Joey. Again, scorebig.com promo code Joey. And also, my main man, honor dot com. Listen, that protein powder was delicious. I got the shroom tech. I took some today. I did a lot better in class.

My geese still wet. I'm a firm belief right on it. I can sit here and blow smoke up your ass. Listen, I know about this. I know about that. I know. I don't know dick. All I know is whenever I take iron at a product,

I feel fucking great. Whether it's the alpha, I'm back on the alpha brain again. I'm a little sharper. I mumble because that's the weed. You know what are you going to do? I've been smoking since 6 a.m. What have you done today? Anyway, Uncle Joey's here ready to fucking rock.

All right? Like I told you. I'm in Braya all weekend. But, oh, before we end, let's go back to Honit here. I want a little all fucking thought here. Go to Honored.com right now and press in. Church. Boom!

And get to 10% off of any product, not weights or anything, just supplements. And they deliver it right to your door. No drama, no money. You're fun. You like what you read. You get to stay on the program. Most importantly, people still, alpha brain, you give it a shot. You don't like it.

You send it back. You get them 100% money back guarantee. What are these noise using me when you're making today? You have the mic up too high. I'm making noises. Yeah, you keep sitting there. We can hear it. Stop it. I'm sorry. I have no idea.

Anyway, I want to thank my main man, Lee Syatt. I want to thank you motherfuckers for listening. We had a great March. Thank you for making March. Just phenomenal. And wait for see what we have for you in April. I love you, motherfuckers. Have a great weekend.

And happy fucking April Fool's Day, Cuckuckuckers. This show is brought to you by Escort, Babe. Next time, before you go, go to ScoreBeg first and see how much you can save. Go to scorebig.com right now, click on the microphone and enter promo code Joey to get an extra $20 off your first ticket purchase. And go to honor.com and use promo code church to get 10% off all of the great optimization products. And you want to just close with this song? Yeah. The rest of the time.