The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #368 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: April 5, 2016

  Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Texture. Go To texture.com/JOEY to get a free trial for the Texture App. The Texture App gives the use access to hundreds of magazines.   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first two meals free!   
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slash Joey. Oh shit. Oh shit. You bad motherfuckers Monday, April 4th. A little something for the Jews. Get up and dance. Cocksuckers. This is all about you.

Oh shit. Out of respect. Listen to that fucking rhythm right there. Again, when black people, with black people, listen to that. Are you fucking nuts or what? If you're Jewish, get up, cock suckers. Who gives a fuck? Salute that fuck a flag.

You're in the office. Fuck them all. Let them know. You ain't fucking around today. You're taking names. Make them things straight. the fucking Nazis. Let's do this shit inside.

Here you go. What? You want to. What's the story there? Beautiful motherfuckers, Monday, April 4th. And here you are. Another fun-filled episode of El-Churcho of what's happening now all with my main man,

Lee's motherfucking sad. How are you, my friend? I'm great. Oh, that, I love that hash. I tell you. It's a little harsh going down, but it's just nice. You hear a little buzzing. years like your mom smacked you

you get smacked by your mom your earrings for like 22 fucking minutes after like this miserable fuck my mom didn't do it that much so I still have vivid memories of like it used to slow down for me like time used to slow down the couple of times she got mad like I butted out her this weekend

the last time my butt daughter was when I was high with you and I just it was before a podcast and she got pissed so I was just even now I'm about to be 28 I'm still scared of my mom A little bit. You should be. It's not like scared, but you respect her judgment and, you know, whatever.

Moms got your back and shit like that. So you should be a little fucking scared of moms. You follow me? Cocksucker. What else? You like the hash? Like the hash? You're smoother.

You worked out this week. You spent the weekend with Mama. You came up to Bray with me Thursday night. Bray was fun. Bray was a lot of fucking fun, man, this weekend. You know, I'm starting to love doing comedy again. You go in your ups and downs like anything else in life. You just go through ups and downs like anything else in life.

down. You do something so much. You take it for granted, you know, and you don't realize how lucky we have it that I'm allowed to write jokes and go up on stage and fuck around with your people and smoke pot and take pictures after one or whatever. It was rough going out and seeing people this weekend. Only people who knew waited and came around the back. I got a lot of tweets from people who were pissed off, but you're right there. That's the kind of club that you're right there. I don't want to take pictures of people on the street. Cars are going by. That's how people can't buy fucking cars. Somebody got hit there. Right. Years ago, years ago, somebody got hit out there one night.

People were taking pictures and shit, so I'm always scared to go on that brayer fucking boulevard, whatever it's called. But besides that, it was great. Some great people came out, dropped off some alms. You got a little suavecito shaving cream. I'm excited to try it. A little something from them.

They got me hair products, but you obviously go fucking hairless. Not that I'm making funny. No, I don't mind it at all. You just chose to shave your head. So some people came down with some great wheat. You know, it's just, it's really nice to be a part of something nice for once. I was always a part of, oh, shitty things.

And it's always really nice. Like, you know, somebody was saying, yeah, that they had PTSD, and I giggled. And it's like when I leave the house, I always expect the worst shit to happen, so I'm not disappointed. So when something really nice happens, like those three nights, even in the green room, even Jack Jr. and Johnny Rock and Tommy East. that came down Thursday and fucking blew it up for you telling me he's the fans. He's a new comedy for a fucking year, and I'm really proud of him because

he lives in his van. And I like the kid. I like the kid a lot. And I'm trying to teach him something from a different angle because he's seeing it. He's seeing that everybody down there that he's doing these little open mics

with is coming from a weird angle. The first thing when you choose any career is to choose the right attitude going into it. It makes it a lot of easy. This is from a fucking old beat-up guy. I had so many jobs and so many great opportunities, but I went into a bad opportunity.

I went in there with bad attitudes. Not bad attitudes. No, no. I was not negative about the opportunities. I was weak-minded about the opportunities. I never gave them a chance to blossom. Before you give up on an opportunity, give it a chance to blossom either in your direction or the other direction,

so you know exactly where you stand before you really give up on it. You know, somebody offers you a job loading trucks. It's 12 to 9 at night. Your girlfriend's miserable because she doesn't get to see you. It's always little things like that that you have to make a decision. You know, you know, so sometimes I get late. The word isn't lazy. I get complacent.

Complacent. That's why when I first left the store in 2007, I was very happy. Because it gave me a new chapter of comedy, and it really did. It gave me a chapter of comedy without the store. Seven years is a complete different chapter of comedy. And I bummed around and I started going to the ha-ha and I developed this little act late night because she let me work late.

And next thing you know, Gabriel called me to do that show and I was doing Wednesdays in Brahe. So there's always something going on. You know, and I don't know. You do get complacent about anything. I get people. I know people drive. You know, like my friend Timmy was driving for one.

want to do something different. You know, if you don't get, I don't ever want anybody to give up on your dream. But after a while, you have to take your dream and do different avenues with it. It's still that same dream, but you're doing different avenues with it. But at the same time, I don't want you to give up like I never gave up. I never gave up. I'm not going to lie to nobody. Mentally, I never gave up.

Sometimes on the outer core in 2009, I didn't know what direction I was taking this before. podcast and I never really gave up. I just readjusted everything. It's amazing that there's not more, you always hear a life coach or something like that job mentor or whatever it is. It's amazing there's not more of it because that's the entire reason why I am paying a lot more than I need to right now to go to this kettlebell class. You told me, like buy some kettlebells and just do them at your house. The reason why I can't do that is because I'll get complacent in my workout. I won't do that extra set. So it's amazing Knowing the situation before you go into it, Lee, that's all I don't want people to know.

You know why? Because I went into so many situations that I know dick about. And I had to learn the hard way. How many times do I fucking get in your face about getting into the situations that you know nothing about? When you want to get into that situation before? Because we all do this. It's a natural curiosity to, you know this going in. And I'm so proud of you for that.

You can go to kettlebells on Tuesday. Hey man, when I do those kettleball things, I swear in my mother's grave, I put a time around me. And I count them out because I know I'm only cheating myself, but a lot of people don't know that. A lot of people in my life don't know that. You know, we were kids in gym class, and we do push-ups, and we do 14 instead of 20, and we look when the coach turned away, you only cheat yourself. I was a king of that. I was a king.

King of that. Oh, my God. I would never do any, like, hardworking. No, why would we? I'm not even putting a blame on you. Why would we? If they're not looking, why am I? doing this this is what character is all about but then when I would when I would say that

my mom especially would be like the coach is always like the coach even if they're not looking they're like if they're a good coach they're looking and they'll see that they know like that's when you know by you slack off at work they know your boss knows that you're on at an early age you're starting those bad habits which we all do you don't think I did it you don't think I did nine sprint instead of 13 you don't think I just sat there and touched the line when he turned around I'm fucking lying to you yes I fucking did it of course But then, and you keep doing it. It's how long you keep doing it late.

You could do it to your 50, like I almost did, but one day you could start when you're 26, like you actually did. I've done it with, I appreciate the compliment. I've done it with some things, and it's like... You can't do them or with everything, but eventually the percent, no, the percentage gets higher. Okay, that's all you have to keep working for. As you get older, the percentage get higher for nine months. around the bad mood because of that fucking book.

Thank God. Gordon came into my life and eased it out. And I got to think about what I really wanted to write. And I read a bunch of stuff. And I said, this I don't like. There's books I read 10 pages and I'll just throw away. Like, I know under 10 pages. Like, it's not going to get better than it. Because I don't like this style of writing.

There's so many things. And then I started doing it. And that was the frustration. Once I started doing one, two, three, four, five, six sentences a day and outline my life changed because I'm working towards a goal and I never understood that at a young age boy did it fucking kill me late boy did it destroy me but then again I wouldn't be here with you

these are the things you learn along your life that I wish most people who listen to this you know there's a lot of people that your father yells at you and says you're gonna be a bum and your mom says shit to you and you don't listen to them and then a fucking loser with a felony like me comes along and you listen to me And I hope you listen to this, that, you know, go for it. And if you don't like it, move on.

But if it's your fucking dream, stick it out. That's why I really can't tell nobody. Like, even with comedy. I see guys doing it for 10, 20 years, and they're not moving ahead. And it breaks my heart to go up to them and say something. There's a guy I started comedy with. And we did something once in 95 together, like a big show. And it was a comedian.

Well, guess what he just did two months ago? He did the same big show with that same comedian. He still lives where we started. And every time I talk to him, there's always an excuse. But you know what, man, when I talk to him, he's happy. So who the fuck am I to decide what a person's career? That's what we do, like when we're 40 and 35. We think about these friends that we have, these so-called friends,

and how we should tell him and whatever. I have a hard time with that. I can never get in somebody's face about their fucking dream. I'll get your face about being lazy. in a New York minute I get in your face about me late. You know why? Because 20 people got in my face about being lazy. And guess what I did?

I'd never raise my hand to one of those people. I called them a cunt. I walked away fucking pissed. But after 10 minutes, this motherfucker is right. You start looking at it. And that's, it's tough telling other people what to do. I haven't reached that point yet.

No, you can't tell somebody what you do. But you could tell them enlighten it for them. A lot of people don't fucking know. A lot of people really think that you, You're supposed to get up and drink coffee and sit there for now and smoke fucking cigarettes because they see some jerk off on TV doing it. They don't know.

You're supposed to fucking get up, take a fucking shower, brush your fucking teeth, you know, smoke a cigarette or two, drink some coffee, and get up and go. It's early in the morning you're sitting there. There's got to be somewhere you're able to go. I used to have it from George. George. When we were kids, I couldn't be around George in the morning. Couldn't be around him in the morning.

What are you doing in the morning? Depress me. Depress me. The typical kid that the world has to wait from. And again, that was me with a mom. Right. That was me with a mom. That was me.

That's a kid with a safety net. You know, he would get up at 7.30 and stay in bed to late 30 smoking cigarettes. I never saw that in my life. He would sit in bed for an hour and listen to Howard Stern. You know, I would Stern is great, but you ain't putting a dime in your fucking pocket, and you ain't getting nothing from it. That's, and you're 20-something. A lot of people, that's honestly why I like this 9-am class,

because I would sit on the phone. I met you. How many times have I been tormenting you about to get out of the house? Listen. The entire time. I'm going to tell you what the biggest secret in life is. Get out of the fucking house. Get out of the house.

Nobody ever repeats my jokes, Lee. Nobody ever repeats the stupid shit I said. But do you know how many times people come up to me and whispering my ear, amen. Thank you for getting me out of house. Nothing good happens on the couch unless you find change. You're satisfied with a 35 cents under your cot. Nothing.

I don't care if you go to the corner and put a newspaper on the yard. And may believe you're looking for a job at nine. Just do me that favor. For the first week, just get out of the house at night. Even if you just go to the corner, hit the mailbox and walk back and go right back to sleep, you took a shower, you ate, you made some notes, you wrote down your goals, and you got up and you walked in. I don't give you home by 10.15.

I don't give a fuck of your home by 9.15. As long as you leave the house, because after a while, leaving the house catches on. It becomes contagious. And you realize, let me go for a walk. Let me go for a longer walk. Look at this. A pizza bottle with a help wanted sign.

And here I am walking around looking for ads. Let me just start with a help wanted pizza job. You accomplish something. Absolutely. And you accomplish something. And when I get up now, like I had a, I had a, dream this morning that you call me at 6.30. I was short when you called me at like seven that you had called me.

Oh, you did call me any. I'm just fucking with you. But tell them what I said to you. I, I couldn't remember. That's why that's the one thing. I said something about fucking Jews are telling you to wake up. Oh, yeah. I was up on you.

That's why I thought it was a dream. I did that like three of my friends this morning. They called back. What did you do? Nothing. Don't worry about none. That's why. Like, sometimes when you call me at like six in the morning, I'll have to like, like I'll, I'll,

I'll pay attention to the call, but as soon as you get off the phone, I'm like, I have no idea what he said. No, everybody does. I always said, you're sleeping. You go, no, no, I was just here thinking, right? Doing emails. I know when somebody's asleep. Well, not at six. I've woken up 10 million people in my life on purpose.

Do you understand me? Why on purpose? Because I got to get them up. You got to get up. You got to get up. But now I'm up. It's late for me on the weekends to sleep until nine. That's late.

There's no reason. And you got to get her up and you got accustomed people around you to get up. get up and they'll see it your way because I never saw it if I got one thing on a dinner if I got one thing out of my mother he was getting up earlier to say hello to the son that stupid saying has stayed in my head since I was four she used to throw me out of the house she used to say oh by that che but pabu that means get to the fucking backyard we had no backyard which meant you had to go and walk around yeah get the fuck out out the fuck out When I'd be in the bar playing those stupid pinball games, she'd walk over and take the quarters off.

And go, that's it enough. Go. Out. Go walk. Go get hit by a fucking car. Do something. But you can't stay here all afternoon in this darkness. When you first, it's different because your mom passed away.

But when you were away from that, did you ever like to stay home? Like, because my mom was like that. No. And I rebelled later and stayed in. I understood where she was coming from. Oh, I didn't. Once it got down and dirty in my life. is when I found out how important that those things are.

When they got down and dirty, you know how many comics I call here and not doing nothing? I want you to take a fucking piece of paper and a pencil and write down Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And you pick out the open mics. Pick out two, three, four, pick out how many numbers there are and which ones are more important ones.

And you'll know which ones are time-consuming, which one you can zip in and out of. I just want you to get off the couch every night. and do a spot. If you're a plumber, I want you to get up every night and do a kitchen. If you're a painter,

go paint a room. All these things add up. You know, I used to, at night, when I quit high school, loser, loser Joe Diaz, thief, burglarer, a piece of shit.

I still went to count class twice a week from seven to ten at night. Took something. Intro to plumbing. I took a Tita Barrow fucking International Institute. Me and Tommy Russo, whatever that is.

You bring people to take class with you? Like a vocational school. I talk in. to it. I talk people into it. He took welding, I took plumbing. We quit after six weeks, but we still went. You know what I'm saying? Do you understand? If it's available to you,

take it. I just got something in the mail a month ago. I signed up over here for kids thing at this park, North Hollywood Park. If you walk behind there, they have a bunch of things, and I got something for a vocational. People who are this age, with this type of income, you get a

free vocation, talk to you. So what? You gotta go apply for a job or someone. You gotta sweep. Somebody's trying to teach you something. Go learn it. If you're under a fucking income limit, go learn it. I just read this thing, and I know it's not that new, but Starbucks has this thing where they're giving,

I think, all employees tuition reimbursement to like Arizona State Online, which isn't Harvard, but free tuition to get a degree when you're in, like we're just working at Starbucks? How amazing is that? You imagine you work 30 40 hours whatever to regulate whatever the rules are you have to work and then take classes online They can't hand it to you any easy They can't hand it to you any easy, but then I got to see what what the what the guidelines are for Starbucks Let me look at I think it was pretty lax like when I saw it was like now accepting even part-time employees

Let me look It just but that's there was a big story about how a lot of people say oh Like, I had a lot harder when I was younger. College was easier. And people, young, like, 20-year-olds are getting shit for that. And what they said is, like, something like 70 or 80% of kids in college now have either part-time or full-time jobs. Yeah.

When they just, it was something like 30% back in the 70s or 80s. It's just, it's crazy what people need to do to get. With the tuition. Parents have enough time just sending their kids to school. Oh, my God. The kids got to help out a little bit. If your tuition is 20 fucking Gs a year Well you gotta have a lot

And that's low Honestly that's low Let's pretend you got a job And you pay five grand Out of 10 A year I can live with that I can live with that

And you should be able to live with that As long as you're not taking complete school loans I was very lucky My parents were They got split up So the deal that we made is we each pay a third So I got I got

There's a lot of kids who are stuck with the whole thing So I got very lucky in that respect. And you get stuck with these things and what job to come out to. Look, you came out and you had a couple of different options. Right now, you're creating a position,

which I talk about a lot. Creating a position is always what advances the future in this shit. It's always one. It started with one guy making a fucking iPhone. Yeah. Part time, you know, like just it does, when you were a kid,

if you ever write down how many different things you did. You know, you probably went to ballet. You played people football, you played baseball, you joined Aikido. You didn't like Akeed, because your friend Nick went to karate. So you went to karate. From there, you wanted to play the guitar, but your friend played the guitar, so you learned how to play the bass. You did that all for two years. You know, we do all these things.

Then we shed different things along the way, and we pick up up the things that were strong at. So if you're a baseball player, by the time you get to high school, even though you lettered, even though you played Biddy basketball and 13-to-50-year-old football and Red Raiders, You narrowed down to one thing and work on that. Correct? That seems like that's how I, how my life went. My mom always, I always wanted to stay home all summer and just like watch TV. And I was never allowed to do that.

It used to piss me off. She would sign me up for stuff. And in high school, remember, I got signed up. I hated it when I was there. But looking back, it was probably, I signed up for the only two video classes at this vocational high school in the town next to me at a summer camp for kids. Like, and that's honestly, yeah, that is. how that was the summer before high school wow, that's great, I never thought about this.

That's the summer before high school and then starting freshman year. I took every video class they ever gave and and yeah, wow. The more I learned how to speak English, the less television I watched. So by the time I was nine or ten, my television skills were very limited. I couldn't wait to get out and talk English.

I couldn't wait. Okay. Okay, I couldn't wait. wait to get out and see a new word. You know, at that time I was putting words together in my head. I remember by the second grade, I had learned pretty good English. I was getting good grades. I was taking an aptitude test and passing them, but I couldn't wait.

It was different for me because I couldn't wait to go outside and speak English. I couldn't wait for those things. You know, TV really wasn't. I think in the first and second grade, before I got like a little after I got hit and a little lunchbox, before I went to. to karate was the only time I would stay at home. I would go home, eat like a sandwich, and do a little homework, and then I would get walked to karate three or four days a week on the Upper West Side. So I was always one of those guys that I watched TV, but it didn't dominate me.

Oh, I loved it. Then as I got older, you know, then it came a time when I got settled, and I watched the honeymooners, but that was at night. That was after 10.30. I never really got myself into, then I watched Sanford and Son, Fridays at 8 and 9. That was a certain time period for me, and I watched Chico and the Man. But that wasn't going to happen every night of my life. I would watch Welcome Back Carter, or there was a movie on the, I think on the United Night, the white something, white shadow. It was a show on CBS about a white coach with a black basketball team.

So I definitely watched that because I was into basketball. And I wanted to go to college. I wanted to see what the lifestyle was like. Was it you just not liking TV, or was it like a rule from the mom? I think it was a combination of three things. Even in the early age, I like television, but I didn't like the control. What do you mean?

I didn't like the control it had over me. I didn't like that. There was times I was sitting in front of that TV for three hours. Oh, easy. That's why I hated Star Trek, and I turned it off at 6 o'clock, and I go do something else. Like, I just hated it.

The more I did it, I hate it. And even today, I come home, I'm doing a bunch of a couple things, If my wife is in the living room working, she's got the TV on, listening to CNN or whatever. And sometimes I'll sit down, but the most I could sit on in the daytime is maybe 15 minutes. So I won't watch anything. I'll just sit and having a conversation with them thinking about my next move. But I'm really against that.

I'm against a lot of things that have held adults back over the years. When an adult talks to me about the Simpsons, I get very aggravated. when an adult, you know, I really do because these are things that hold when I see two adults talking about the Simpsons I want to stab all fucking three of them but this is me. Do I hate the Simpsons? No. But this is just me.

There's so many, you know, these super fucking hero movies they're eating my insides out. They're eating my insides out. Why does the subject matter? Like, for example, so why is it okay to go see? Because you're an adult. After 11, you take the hat off with the fucking propeller and that's it with the fucking

superheroes. That's it. Okay. There's no more towel around your neck. How old are you when you realize the towel doesn't work around your fucking neck? About 12? Sure. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. We live in a society now that there's adults going to see fucking, you know, when that theater happened, that shooting

and those parents were there with their baby at the Batman shooting in Colorado. I would have pulled them out and shot them both in the fucking head his parents because that's the best thing I could have done to those two fucking scumbags. Okay? That's the best thing I could have done. So the boat of you go to see Batman on the midnight fucking showing with a newborn

fucking child. This is why I don't like those fucking dumb movies. I wouldn't go see Batman versus fucking Superman if you fucking paid me. After the first Batman, there's no more reason to keep making Batman's and suckers for keep going to see him. Spider-Man, same fucking thing. I can't see this shit. I can't see adults going to see.

see this shit. It destroys my fucking insides. Okay? Okay, Joe, but you went to see karate movies? Yeah, I was 13. And once I was 13, I realized people can't fucking fly no more. People just can't jump off the floor and throw a sidekick at 22

fucking feet. I saw a movie one time where a guy had a treasure chest and he threw up in the air and also he landed on top of a mountain, he caught the treasure chest. There's no reason to watch that anymore. That's how it worked in my life. And part of it was, I got my light shut off, so I had to decide what was important and what was not.

But I'll tell you right now, when something like Superman versus Batman on a Deadpool or something like that does well, it breaks my heart deep down the side. It breaks my fucking heart deep down the side because it ain't nine-year-olds with a balloon that are going to see that. It's fucking dummy adults. And every time they go, they're going to make another one of those movies. When you create those markets, they keep making them. They get worse and worse and more.

You know, 600 million people for Spider-Man versus Super-Man. man and nobody liked the fucking movie. Marvel has their schedule up until like something like 2020. I know. I saw a graphic about it the other day. It's amazing. What about Comic-Con? Because that's all, I don't think they have kids there at all.

Listen, I like a celebration of things. How long you know me? Five years. I ever go to one of these weed things? No, not that I know. You know how many times George used to beg me to go to Comic-Con and sign all the grads for the longest yard? Every year?

You know how embarrassing? it would be for me to do something like that or sell shirts or so posters from some movie and sign them. How long do you think you'd last? 15 minutes. I know this going in

and I knew that 10 years ago going in. I love the people. Reach out to me and say, hey, we're doing this thing and San Bernardino. It's a Bongfest or a Reefest. Good luck. You're not going to see me there.

You're not going to see me there. Even if you're paying me, you won't fucking see me. I don't want to be around that many people smoking dope. I don't want to be a part of it. I believe in smoking a joint from time to time. I don't want to see 400 people bouncing up and down. Like, you know, I don't want to see that.

That's a complete different situation for me. People faking their eye and their eyes are faking their clothes and then they're giggling like fucking retards. You know, I don't like that either. It's getting back to kind of what we talked about the other day. We're just cutting the fat. And, but the other side of it is... I've been smoking dope for 30 years.

I've never acted like that. I've never gone to one of those things. And all the times you've been to my home, you see a magazine with weed on or anything? No. You see posters on my wall with weed or stickers or anything like that. No. But I smoke more than anybody.

Probably, yeah. Okay. Yeah, I mean... It's like going to see the people when you ski, and you see people all dressed up and ski gear and the whole fucking thing with the goggles and they ski for shit. It's like people, you go see you do comedy, they do credits for 20 minutes, and they go up there and they suck.

That's why when I do on stage, I don't want no credits. It's Tom Joey Diaz. They know I was in movies and stupid fucking movies and stupid TV shows. You come to see a comedian. I'm not going to recite my fucking credits and to try to impress you with smoke. Let's see what you got on stage, fat boy. That is interesting. I'm from a different cut.

I've always made it difficult on myself because I've always believed it's a discipline. Every part of life that you want to move forward is a discipline. We spoke about John Jones last week. The exact time was 1149 at night or 1150. The fuck you're doing out at night. God, he's happy they didn't check his car. He's happy they didn't do a thousand things. Yeah, there's reports that the cop is racist and all this shit.

And the cop was a little picking on him in the fucking car or whatever. But this all stems from being out after fucking nine o'clock. You got a wife and two kids What the fuck you're doing that? Nothing's going to happen. That's a mental thing. You got to go, you know what? I'm not going on.

I'm going to take this car. I'm going to light this fucking car on fire and bury it in the fucking desert. Because the least you want when you're under that supervision is that fucking type of car so people exactly know who the fuck you are. Go trade it in and get two keys

and light that fucking car on fire. I get a blue one and a red one. They don't know who the fuck it is. You're just a black dude in the fucking key. it. He hired a driver today. Do you see that?

That's what he said? Big fucking deal. It's too late now. Because now he's got that one strike against him. That means the next one he gets locked up. This could have all been avoided. Yeah, just staying. This could all been avoided.

He's looking at, you know, you look at the fighting potential. You look at all the shit he's got going on. On top of that, he loses millions for his family. By going on, don't do nothing. Don't do nothing. You go right from the fucking ring, right to your shower. You take a shot. You don't even do the press conference.

Why? You don't like Dan and then don't like you. Oh, you got to assume that. Yeah, I mean, he must be pissed at him, right? Well, it's not pissed. Everybody's disappointed. But I'm not disappointed at John Jones. I'm disappointed that he doesn't have somebody in his corner saying, listen,

after 9 o'clock, that's it. Take that fucking car and shoot it. Give it to somebody. Give it to a black school. But how would you react if someone told you that? At what? No, like if someone came to you today and said... Guess what? You'd never have to tell me that. Why?

Because in all that time, I got probation violations for snort and blow. Not for being out. Not for, I never got pulled over. I never got involved in a fight. You wouldn't see me after 9 o'clock when I was on probation. But don't you think John Jones probably thinks he's doing just as well? Like, he's just like, all that out to get me. Well, they've been out to get him since day one in his cocaine mind.

There are always, people always out to get you when you're on cocaine. Okay? And the fumes of those feelings linger forever. Because I haven't done a line of Coke in nine years, and I still feel sometimes that people out to get me. Do you think that stems from all your cocaine? Absolutely. That wasn't there before?

No, absolutely. It's always there. It's always there. But that thought of thinking over the years that makes it become a permanent scar and a permanent way of thought. It's like doing an arm bar a thousand times. You get it muscle memory. Rhonda Rossey and get your pinky and do an arm bar on you.

It's the same thing if you do it to your mind. If you keep telling your mind you're a piece of shit, you're going to be a piece of shit all your life. I do that constant. I think everybody's mad at me for anything. If someone doesn't reply to something or I'll have, when I'm at home, I'll give Paul on my phone sometimes and show the short text be like, was that rude?

She's like, no, they're just not responding yet. I always think someone's mad at me. I have no idea why. I'm the same way. And I love it. Why? It drives me nuts. Why do you love it?

Because then you think of the situation and you think of why they're mad at you. And sometimes they're not even mad at you. Most of the time they're not. They just got stuff going on in their lives. But it's amazing to see where your mind goes. Mine goes to the worst, most evil. The worst fucking things. Oh, my God, it's terrible.

Like, I'm trying to work on it. And I can talk to myself, I can talk myself down. And be like, okay. You all worried. Your wife was mad at you. Well, yeah. She's mad at me. She's mad at me.

She didn't like the way I talked to him on the phone. She's mad at me. She wasn't mad at you. No, yeah. Always happens. It always has. And it's not even just her. It's you.

It's Steve Simone. It's anybody. No, sometimes you ask me. You mad at me? Not at all. I just answer the phone. I'm doing a thousand things. And your family, so I can take you to go, fuck yourself.

I'll call you back in two fucking minutes. I don't have to play a facade with you. There's nothing. worse than you're doing something and somebody calls you and you have to take that call now and you're doing a thousand things and he knows you're not focusing and you know you're not focusing and you know you're trying to type somebody call me today and I was at the end of a fucking paragraph and I was and I had to get the phone because he had already called me last night and I was sleeping so I had to get the phone so I just picked up and go hold on one second I finished that fucking

paragraph and I got back on I'm sorry Doug but you caught me the middle of something I don't want you to think I was being rude to you right and and he would and he knows you're busy So he probably wouldn't have even, he would have understood if you called him back in 20 minutes. Listen, you don't want somebody calling you twice unless you fucking hate that guts. I don't want you to think that I'm avoiding you. And sometimes, and sometimes you just can't pick up the phone with that. I have three people in my life that call me at the worst fucking time. Like if they fucking call, I'm fucking doing something.

You know, it never failed. It never fails. It never fails. If I leave my phone upstairs and I leave for two hours and I come back, I can tell that person's always going to call. If I'm carrying groceries, that person's going to call. As I'm walking into an office for a dental, a pussy checkup, blood work, or whatever, that phone rings, I know it's that person.

Jesus. It's amazing. And if they call five minutes fucking earlier, they'd be fine. They'd be fine. And they piss me off when they don't answer the phone when I call them back. Like, when I call you in the morning, you don't pick up the fucking phone, and then you bombard me at 6 when everybody else is calling me, I want to choke you.

Because I called you 8 fucking hours ago. You're going to call me now at 6 when you know it's my busy fucking time. 5 to 7 is home run time. For more ways than 1. The baby's on fire. I used to be that agents used to call in shit and tell you your audition. No, no. Nobody calls me for business.

The baby's on fire. So unless you want to hear chit-chat with a child yelling, don't fucking call in my house. Don't call to talk to me between 5 and 6. seven. Same thing from seven to fucking ten. I'm walking the baby to school. I'm not going to pick up the phone to talk to you. Not at all. Not even if it's my

age. Because I'm walking on the street. And you have to pay attention. I got to pay attention. I got my child with me. I got no time to look into a fucking phone and play dilly dally with somebody. In fact, I don't even take the phone when I walked to your kid to school. Because I'm with my wife and the kid, I don't give a fuck. Unless you get hit by a fucking car. It's got nothing to do with me. I know you're home.

So I don't give a fuck where the world is. Right. It's scary. It's scary how much attachment we have to our phones. Our friend Becky. That is why I leave the phone at home. Right. Becky, our friend, works at a flotation place, and I was thinking about going, and she's like, okay, it's about between an hour and 90 minutes.

I was like, I couldn't. What if Joey called between, you? No, no, no. An hour is perfect. An hour is something to wait, but you could call your mom and go, I'm going into something for two hours. Don't fucking drop dead on me. And you call your dad and say, don't drop done on me.

And if you hear the phone ring on the other room, you know, it's some Joe Jerkoff calling you. And do you follow me? So I know what time people are going to call me. Listen, listen, my agent don't get until 915, 9.30. By that time, I'm back. And the other people don't get until 10, 10, 10, 15. So I have no reason.

I talk to you at what time? Seven. It's over. I leave the phone. I come here and I write, or I go drink coffee and I write, or I go outside and I write. I don't need to talk to nobody on the phone. I need to talk to nobody on the phone. When I walk in a school, the phone stays at home.

Does it really? Yeah, when I go to Jiu-Jitsu? Yeah, I'm with my family. What do I give a fuck? What are you going to call me and tell me? I don't know if you had an emergency. What an emergency? I don't know.

You fell and broke your leg. Let her. I'll take the fucking phone with it. Okay. Let her take the fucking phone. She taxes, she does all that nonsense. When I go to Jiu-Jitsu, the phone stays in the car. Unless it's 90 degrees, then it stays at home.

Why would I take the phone into my fucking place of working out? For what? My daughter's at school and my wife's got the phone if something happens to her. If something happens to her, if something happens, when I get out of one, I'll pick up the fucking phone and call you back. Yeah. No, I forced myself not to have that piece of shit on me. Somebody was mad at me this weekend.

Oh, I messaged you on Facebook. Number one, dog, I ain't got Facebook on my phone because I really don't give a fuck about it. I got two things on my phone that matter. My personal email and Twitter, and I'm about to drop Twitter. Really? Yeah, that's it. Just do it straight from home?

Just do it straight from home. I don't want to be on Twitter when I'm out of the house. I don't be anywhere. I don't care less about none of that shit Once I'm out of half Saturdays and Sundays I don't look at Twitter If you message me or put one of those things on my timeline I don't know what's called

You're in no danger Don't bother me on Saturdays and Sundays I don't even look at Twitter That's the discipline So I don't get controlled by it I don't want to get controlled by that dumb shit Yeah it's and like how much You probably don't

But when my internet goes out It's like World War III No you get the notebook in the piece of depend. It's even better for you. It's even better for you because you're going back old school. I'm too busy resetting. It's really weird. You let control what you want to control you. For 30 years, I know what it was to get control because I'm addicted to fucking heavy-duty cocaine.

I didn't mind that control. That's a subliminal control. Those little addictions where you try to make plans, but you don't. I got people who call me, like, man, let's meet them off a coffee at 10. I don't think that's a good idea, no. 10 was too early for you? I was up, but I was in no mood to talk to you. What time would you be in the mood to talk to people?

Whatever, it was something to do about cash and how I was going to get another package of cash a clock. Cash a Coke at those days. I didn't give a fuck, you know. Jesus. That's, and now it's completely different. Like, what do you have now? Does weed control your life like that? There's nights I have a joint left.

Ten years ago, I'd be going. crazy. Now I just go, fuck it. That means I smoke a bowl tonight. A lot of times I don't do the morning drink because I got no wheat. Oh, so you used to go crazy because you didn't have weed. Once I went to prison, I fucking controlled my wheat consumption. And I knew that you could give it up at any time.

You know, I think last year, didn't I stop smoking for three months? Well, I smoked a vapor pen. Well, yeah, and he took edibles. But I broke that mold. I still broke that thing. And then I realized that vapor pen don't do none. Excuse me, I do a real smoky, smoky to get fucking stone to the gills. Oh, yeah, you really do. Or the hash.

Yeah. It's different, and that's why I used to say, look, for a year, I've told you to get out of the house early. Now, you love it on Monday, Wednesdays, and Friday. As a matter of fact, no, you can't wait. It's a trap. The house is a trap. The house is a trap for you. That's why all these people spend millions of fucking dollars.

If you really spend time, you have to look at your schedule. Like when you're 20, why do you think you have roommates? because you go, I can sleep in a closet for $200. But then you go to the kitchen and there's ants in your food. You go to the bathroom and there's a piece of shit in your toilet. And then you see the limitations in your life and you move up and you move up. But sometimes you're like, what do I do? I'm not even home.

I'm the type of guy. I don't like being home. I just don't like being trapped. I like getting sun. You know, sitting outside under a tree writing is completely different than writing. notebook writing in your room writing in an office you know typing on a computer in an office and writing long hand outside under the sun is two different fucking worlds two different energies two different it's amazing what happens to you would you be as funny if you had to write inside if you couldn't

it doesn't matter i can write anywhere because i i smoked dope but what i'm saying is the comparisons of energy okay it's like sometimes i'd like to go to jiu jitzu but there's something that's days I step outside the house. I'm like, I'm not going to Jitza. I'm going to go to North Hollywood Park and do 10 sets of 10. Kettlebell swings and a couple cleans and a couple squats. I'm going to walk around one time and get this vitamin fucking D that God's given us.

Sometimes the kettlebell guy has us do the teacher Dave has us do some workouts outside. Outside. And every once in a while I'm like, God damn what we're paying to be inside. It's cold out here. I'm outside in front of people. It's sunny out. The sun's shiny. You know,

it's nice to mix it up a little bit. That's why I never liked hiking. You know, hiking is just walking up a fucking hill with a stick and a sweater around like a jerk off. What are you going to hike today? What are you fucking thought about? You took a walk up a fucking hill? You're not a big running guy?

No. I can't see that either. Well, it's more of a movement. You know, getting up early and going up there with a bunch of people. The girls dress a certain way. Have you ever been up there? No. Have you taken a walk up there?

No. Listen, you've never seen L.A. sheep until you go up there. I've heard of it. I went there one time in 1997. Okay, the girl I used to date then was one of these dumb fucks that used to like all that dumb shit. You have to walk. And they say, what are you fucking talking about?

I snort it blow and ate your ass till 6 in the morning. You want to go for a fucking walk. First off, you got to walk up fucking, you know, six blocks of city streets. You didn't know that, right? You got to walk tall uphill. From sunset all the way to fuck up up there. Then once you get up there, you walk in. And now it's not like that no more.

That used to be a dog park where fucking fucko does yoga. Yeah, Yoga Steve. Where Yoga Steve does yoga there? That used to be a dog park when I got there. So when you're doing downward dog, you're sniffing some fucking dog fertilizer and shit. All right? Then there was a table there. There was a couple tables there.

I had just gotten here. I had just gotten here in 1998, 1997. I didn't know what was what. I just kept my mouth shut and looked around. And I remember being up there. Like, I think I went up there maybe three times. And all three times. It was the same batch of stupid fucking chicks sitting at a desk,

like a picnic area? Uh-huh. Three tables. And sometimes it was one table of them. One time was two, but it was the one batch of the same goofy ones. And you could tell either they had snorted blow till midnight or they would have done coke,

and then they'd go home and make themselves up. up to go to Runyon Park. And they'd wear the hats with the ponytail sticking out of the hat to really be fake. And they'd sit there at that time when I moved to you, what was hot? That movie Titanic was hot. They were just out. Leonardo DiCaprio was out every night. And these girls would call them Leo.

I remember I had a dog then. Me and Carol had a dog. And we'd let the dog loose and Carol would walk and I'd wait for the dog. And I could heed these jerkers, I was talking about how Leo had to be overlast. It was tremendous. He played music and he was the DJ. And in those days, Jack was still slinging dick. Jack Nicholson?

Jack Nicholson was still had young chicks at the same. Was he like in his 50s or 40s? Something. Yeah. Well, he's 70 now. So he was in his 50s, still getting coked up, still having these young. And they were talking about Jack. Well, I went to Jack's last night.

They would just sit there. That was it. And they would go over their lines. They would make believe they're rehearsing. In those days, there was a lot of auditions, a lot more. And all this table of girls would just sit there. I'd never read. read my lines in public, though.

Like, just so people could see and they would be outside, and I'd just stop going. Like, that just wasn't in my bag. I couldn't. Even then, I hated that bringing your lines outside and reading them so people could stop you. What are you reading for? Oh, my God. I love Leslie Kahn.

She's great. You know, get the fuck out of my fucking face. Oh, yeah, that's terrible. But it is, and you said this was going to happen. It's nice now. Could I go to the same class every day or every week and it's always the same people. There's a few people who come in and out,

but it's like five or six people who are always there, and I'm getting really friendly with them. So it's when they're not faken, when it's not a whole bunch of Hollywood bullshit, it's really cool. I'm sure it's happening with you what you did to now

because you've been there like a month or two, right? And that's January 4th. Oh, wow, okay. Last time I went to VMAQ was January 3rd on a Sunday. Take a look and see if I'm not lying to you. Just start to get my dates right. because I don't like bullshit people.

I think that's what it was. 2016, January 3rd was a Sunday. There you go. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I went to V-MAC that Sunday. And I just realized I was with you, I think.

Maybe that's the last time you went to Jiu-Jitsu. No. I had broken it up a couple times, and I went one time with you, and I went home. And that whole December was really disturbed because my J-Jitsu was getting. getting worse. My breathing was getting worse. And I just wasn't getting nowhere in my jih Tzu. And I got really down. I didn't tell nobody. I didn't tell nobody. I just went home and wrote about it. Like, what am I going to do about this jih Tzu thing? I was having a hard time breathing. I still had the fears. You know, every time I went to jiu-jitsu, I still had fear of what was going to happen.

And I went online and I was going to go to street sports and Sherman Oaks and try them out. I was in a trial, John John Machado. I was in a trial, checkmate in Burbank. There was a couple schools who had a lunchtime class. I realized that I had to go to class Mondays and Wednesdays for me to be consistent, and that would be eight times a month. If I stayed in town, I would try to catch the Friday class. So that would put me at 10 times a month.

That would still be good enough, not really good, but at least I'd be a little bit more consistent than I was doing now. This killed me from like September to December. I love John Bud of V-Mac. Oh, yeah, it's a great place. A fucking great place. I love the kettlebell system, but John didn't have a Monday and a Tuesday and a Wednesday.

John had a Monday and a Wednesday. So I didn't know nothing about nothing. I fucking kept going to John, and then some Wednesdays I would go to John Jock, whatever, Hegan. But for the most part on Wednesdays, I couldn't go over the hill anymore, guys. It was killing me. I was leaving the 10 o'clock and not pulling back up to my house until 1.30, 1.45.

Oh, yeah, that killed your whole day. That kills my whole fucking. day, you know, and if I was a UFC fighter, yeah, I'd go to Higin Machado. But all I'm a fat bastard, I just want to get flexible, I just want to get my cardio going, I wanted to get this fear of being on my back, and I knew I needed to do something consistent. So that January, like that last week of December, I wrote out the pieces of paper, what four schools I was going to look at. Then I did one last thing.

I called Eddie Bravo like a man, and I said, Eddie. Do you mind if I paid for a black belt to come in at 10 in the morning in Hollywood or in HQ and teach jujitsu? He said, absolutely not. Do I tell you this? No, you know, he said this all. Because I don't want no fucking jihitsu, ghi jih Tzu. And I don't want no fucking kettlebells. I don't want no fucking weights.

I don't want no fucking motions. And I don't want no fucking strings. I just want straight nujitsu, bro. They said like that to me. And I got to be honest with you, my feelings got hurt. I didn't talk to Eddie for like two or three days. But I thought about his words. Now here's Eddie.

He's bent to Abu Dhabi. He's competed. He's fought for everything he's had. You know, nobody liked Eddie because of his no ghee and his transition and what he did to Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. People got mad at Eddie. Do you think that stopped, Eddie? No. No.

Eddie kept going and going and going and going. And what he was telling me in a way that day was that, you know what? Cokes, Joey, as he calls me, I don't want none of that shit in my gym. All I want people to do is jujitsu. And I thought about that for a minute. And I go, wait a second. I'm so fucking scared of jiu-jitsu that if he calls me and says, hey, let's go deadlift and do the elliptical.

I would not go to jiu-jitsu and go do the elliptical with him. I did everything I could not to do jiu-jitsu, even though I just went and did the most I could do. Do you know what I'm saying? What do you mean by that last part? training with you, you said once to me that those Sunday and Monday classes, I liked them because we didn't do much. Yeah, they were, and there was just a little bit easier because I was going to the Tuesday

and Thursday day class, and Hassan is fucking a monster. He's so flexible and so amazing, and he does some things that I right now just can't do. And it was hard and it was frustrating because they wouldn't even, the classes were small and they couldn't come over. But that was, but they were small. I was getting a lot of attention. It's a great school, but it was just. I wasn't at that level.

And the one class that I should have been able to go to, Tuesday nights, I couldn't make it every week. 645. Yeah, 645 on a Tuesday. It was tough for me too. And I'm sitting on a couch with a baby going, I should be a jiu-jitsu, but I got a fucking family. I'm not going to the UFC. I got to figure out a way to do this. It works for everybody, and I profit.

I was ready to quit Jiu-Jitsu. Last December, I was ready to quit Jiu-Jitsu. I just didn't know what to do and how to break it. I didn't want to get on the 101 to go to Jiu-on-1 to go to Jiu-N-O-1 to go to J-Jitsu someplace fucking close to me and those fucking little classes were not working. John Bud's a great teacher. He was teaching some great things. It just wasn't working compatically for our body.

You know, it was me, you and Nick, that's it. Nobody, when I was doing that, I was doing that to see if anybody else from the school would show up on Mondays. And we could show V-MAC, hey, we got eight people showing up. I'll pay for this fucking shit. We got eight people showing up. Let's start a fucking class at 11. Let's start a class at 10.30. But it never plateaued.

So I was frustrated. So one night, I already have my list. I'm going to take a week off from Jiu-Jitsu and figure this shit out. And I got a call from Burke Kreishe of all people. And he goes, hey, man, I'm doing a spot at fucking flappers tonight. What are you going to do? And I go, nothing. He goes, why don't you come do a spot with me?

I went down there, and I was at the light of victory and magnolia. And I look over to the side and I see Legacy Jiu-Jitsu. And I said, that's my friend, Alberta Crane. And I go, I can't go there. There's fucking killer's there. Again, fear kicked in. I went over the fucking bridge, parked at flappers, went, did my son. On the way back, I made a U-turned and parked in front of Alberta school,

11.30 at night. And I looked in there, dog, and I got so intimidated just looking at the place. You pulled in at 11.30 a night? I got in my car and looked into the glass. He probably got me on tape. Who's that fat guy? Look at the kickbox inside. Yeah, you know, this is how scared I am, man.

And I got back in the corner, I made a left, and I waited for the next morning. I went on their website. And they had class every day at 12 o'clock. And guess what that told me? I have no more excuses. Yeah. They got me.

I timed it. It was 13 minutes from my house. I could leave at 20 to fucking 12 and be there, stretch out. And I've been consistent. Two to three days a week, this is January 4th. I only gave myself six more months doing Jujits. I said, if I don't get it together in these next six months by August, I'm quit. And I love it more than I ever have.

If I didn't have all that shit to do today, I would have gone again today. That's my addiction right now. And I'm not losing weight, but I'm getting more. Like I'm losing. You could see it. Your body's changing. Yeah, my body's changed. I'm baggy, and my shirts are baggier.

I love that. That's the same thing going on with me, this new kettle of a place. And you always used to say that you have to do different things to change your body up, to trick your body up. And, bro, I had, I've been fat my whole life. So I had people, everybody would tell me, oh, you need to do this to lose weight, you need to do that. And I just got great at just yesing them, but not even not listening at all. And you were always big on, can't just do the elliptical, can't just do the elliptical. and I think the reasoning that's a good advice

but I think the reasoning behind it is different for fat people because for me it's not to shock my body it was if I had never done Jiu-Jitsu I would never have done kettlebells and found something that I actually in me enjoying something athletic is not supposed to happen in a million universes that's not going to happen but that's what I think it is

is you have to go all if I was 300 pounds again I would tell myself just try a bunch of different shit because a lot of places have the one week free trials I would just do 10 of those things because you'll find one thing

that you fucking like and now me at kettlebells at 8 in the morning doing or at 9 in the morning doing six get-ups and then today we did oh today was killer

we did get-ups then we did clean swing clean, press squat. We did that five times on each side, four times. Oh,

Dave's a fucking man. He's the best. And that's what I was talking about earlier. Like, through the third set, I wanted to stop. When that was done, I was,

I was like, that would have been a good workout. But because everyone else was in the class. How long his class is taking you now? Seriously. 35. It changes.

20 or 35. No, there's some of no longer. There's something to 45 to 50, which are, but he does some movement stuff every once in a while which is as hard as fuck like we'll do push-ups

up and down the gym like these push-up walks but it's usually between 35 and 40 which every time I look at my my phone to see what time it is because he doesn't have a clock I'm not disappointed but I'm like oh this could have gone a little bit longer and we could have done a couple more swings

no I don't have my phone I don't call you give so fucking I just have it because I don't want my phone overheating the car That's all. Put it under your sweater. Don't look at it, no more. Oh, no, I don't look at it ever. I'm just saying after the class.

Oh, after the class. When I'm going to do that and it's, it was cool today because there's a new girl now. She just started. She's doing, she's doing great. You were doing four weeks ago. Right. Not the lone man in the totem pole. Yeah.

That's gratifying to a degree. Like, even for me, like when I first started going to Alberta, Crane's Place, Legacy, if I could do the warm up, I was pretty much. much happy. Like, I'm the type of guy that sits little goals. So in my mind, like I was telling some of the guy who I did drills yesterday, I went to the drill class from 10 to him from 11 to 12. Like I asked me why I got into jitza and I told him, I said, when I come in here, I go for little victories. If I could get something in half guard, that's a victory. If I could get somebody in, never mind the submission. The submission is never even on my mind right now. Just the position.

Just the position. If I get to that position, I did really well today. If I go in there to days in a row and you're a blue belt and I can't pass your guard on the fourth day I pass your guard I'm doing great I finally figured it out do you ever celebrating your head like yeah yes no celebrations make me stronger in all the other aspects of my life I know for a fact there's times I'm on stage and because of what's going on with my jiu-jitsu confidence I might turn to set around where I never would turn that set around three or four years ago Oh, so you do it alone in juditsu is giving you confidence in that place over. Because it's making me retain my guard.

In jiu jitsu, no matter what happens, guess what? Just go back to your guard and you got this guy. Now that gives you another set of opportunities. Same thing with comedy. If you're blowing it, stand, hold your ground, take a deeper breath of fresh air. They're not going to say nothing to you. Keep a smile on your face. Keep a breath of fresh air.

And start from scratch. And think about your words all over again. And this is what jiu jitsu has been doing. teach me it's a shame I learned that at the age of 50. The damage I could have done in life. If I would have learned that by the age of 35, then no matter what's going on in your life, retain your guard,

hold him by his collar, hold his sleeve, and breathe. Breathe, and all of a sudden, you're right fucking there. Little Tony Bennett on a Monday afternoon. We've been talking for a while, Lisa. What the fuck?

guy I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart some somebody twice as smart

as I a somebody who will swear to be true as you used to do what you think about that, cocksuckers.

Oh, someone gave that to us on final, didn't they? What's that? Don't you have that on vinyl now? Yeah. I can't wait to hear that on vinyl. Did I bring it with me? Yes, I did. Oh, that's so cool. Yes, I did. I'm telling you. Nice people came this weekend. They brought arms.

Here, this was Jesse from Brea. And they sent this two cards in here. Tony, the people fucking came out this weekend in full fourth. Tony Benin, I want to be around. I can't tell. Look how young he is.

Yeah, this is 1960, something. This has to be 1963. Yeah, because this album came out on my birthday. Really? Yeah, check it out. Go ahead, press in.

Is the name of the album I want to be around? Yeah. What do you think you deal with you? You think I would blow smoke up your fucking muffler? I'm the uncle Joe. I'm going to hear of bullshit you. When did it come out, release day? Let's see here.

I want to be around. Tommy Bennett. What's the release? Yeah, 18th of 8th of E.m. 63. Who the fuck you think you're dealing with you? Huh? Wow. So, let's see who dropped these off. Lee, my man. Thank you for all you do.

It's been awesome. Listening to you mature and grow with Joey as your guide. Ha-ha. Keep kicking ass with your workouts. I know it sucks from experience, but it's something that will be worth it. Thank you. Thanks again. Love Jesse Torres.

And then for me, they wrote, Thank you, Jesse. Been listening to you since Beauty and the Beast. Remember you're seeing at the gig in Corona, California with Jeff Garcia. Thank you for keeping a real dog with love, Jesse Toto Torres. I love you too. Let me give some shout out to Nugganart Farms, who dropped off a fucking tremendous bag of weed,

David and Kristen for dropping off the almond brothers, suavecito men's products, dawn of the thread.com, Leah Hernandez, sunny lighting. I mean, we got some great people, as always clear. Waterboxer, Uki fucking spooky, my man Leon, you know.

We got Casablanca Joe, we got Joe, we got everybody on there. My girl Tracy, we got my girl fucking Lacey. We got everybody, you know what I'm saying? So we have a great group of people. It's awesome. What's up, brother? We have a great, it's amazing how, like, sometimes when I just don't have anything to do, I'll just go on there and start talking.

It's amazing how cool these people are. You know, man, you, what's that expression? You reap what you sow? You know, when somebody hits me up on Twitter, I can see the way they hit me out if they're being sarcastic. Or they're trying to kick me off my raft, or they're being whatever. Then I see them peep popping up.

That's all that matters to me. We keep in touch them time to time. I know who's there, and I usually have a quick knocker just getting them to fuck out of there. You know, they're only going to be around for five or six fucking days for torment. You know, we still got Cleo, waterbox, and Leon and Constantine Rain. I mean, these are people

that are there. They're there. You know, Joe, Kenyon, these are people that have been there for five fucking years with us banging it out. Jesse Torres. And I know who they are. And every week we get three more of those fucking soldiers. That they get it. They get what we're trying to do.

There's no smoking mirrors. There's no goatees. We just talked to you from the fucking heart. You know, last week, I got a lot of emails this week. It's really weird what gets emails. Drug addiction spawns emails. Friendships. When we talk about friendship, I got 40 emails.

Really? Oh, okay. And fear. Those are our three topics of the show that I think people get the most out of. When we talk about those subjects, you know, I just talked about, hey, 53 years old, doing Jujit for two years, scared to walk into a Jiu-Jitsu school as a grown man. I bought Coke from the KKK, and I wasn't scared. Can you imagine not being

You know being that scared I had to remove all those fears I have all these fucking fears And I remove them little by little Whether it's the acupuncture I'm supposed to go for a needle For the fucking Allergies

They're supposed to take a drop of blood out Those are the ones that are the worst I'm just one drop Tell me you're going to take two tubes And I won't be able to see for an hour Those are easy when they just Pop the fucking gun But these little one drops

I guarantee the chick uses a big needle and I faint so I'm going to have to either go to tomorrow the fucking next day but those are the most those are the three

or four hard we have probably music that are hard hitting topics or but this week I got a lot of people calling me and sent me emails with the same thing

that you had going on not knowing where you stand with somebody you know those were the themes I was getting the emails where do you know where you stand with

somebody and how to sustain a friend, you know, for that long. This morning I called Timmy. I called Roger. I called James. I called the villa back to back to back to back to back to back. Jesus. And these are people I know for 30 years. You know, I called him at 5.36.

Timmy didn't pick up. He called me back, but I was on the phone with James. And then I had to leave the fucking house and go meet those guys to write and whatnot. But if you want to be a friend, if you want friends, you got to be a fucking friend you gotta get out there you know uh this year we had a birthday party for me me you my daughter and my wife you know was i upset no because i don't go to birthday parties so why the fucking people come to mind i didn't even tell nobody it wasn't really a birthday party you know what you want you'll get if you want solid fucking people around you if you act solid you'll get solid

people around you i always have a knack of that letting motherfuckers know at what point that i'll die for If we get down right now and we start shooting, I'll pull the gun out, I'll shoot with you. As long as you don't wrap me out, I'll shoot with you. And once people know that, they're like, okay, now I know if I got to act around this guy. You know what? I don't want to be around this guy because I don't want that much commitment. I don't want that much commitment.

You know, when my mom was in a heyday, whenever my mom made a score or hit a number, she would throw people money. And she would always tell me, I know when somebody is acting weird because they were take the money because they know that someday they're going to get that money back and they won't want when i make a score i always try to buy dinner for some money i was trying to do this i always try to do that to balance it out because the earth always takes it to vig always remember that dog the earth takes

its vig whether you want to or not they're like the r s you pay for everything in this life you know i buy you lunch you buy paula lunch right you follow me it all goes down. Joe Rogan buys me lunch. I buy you lunch. You buy Paula a mother lunch. Nothing is free. Nothing is free. And it's continual. And it keeps going. And then somebody will buy my daughter lunch. And that's how this chain goes. You know, somebody needs and they do it out, you throw them a hand out. I hate when people know you're broke and they give you a loan. You're not going to get that money back. So don't call a fucking loan. You know, you give me $4,000. That's a loan. I have to

pay you back. But you come to me $4,000. my house with a grand, don't bother me for a year or two. You give me a grand. Why do you give me a grand? Because I'm fucking over here float with a $100 bills. Just give it to me. Just give it to me. Just give it to me and move on.

And it'll make you feel better. It'll make me feel better. And you just gave the earth a Vig. Like, for karma. I mean, that's... Sometimes you've got to pay a Vig. And this Vig of ours keeps fucking rolling. You know, you know what any fucking steak dinners?

Joe Rogan has bought me. More than my fucking mother in 15 years. And I'm not talking about Chuck E. Steakwagon, a fucking sizzler. You get diarrhea for fucking six weeks. I'm talking about $80 fucking steaks. So whenever I get an opportunity to buy somebody a fucking steak, I buy a mistake.

Because I know what it is to get a fucking steak. You're following me, to be a good friend, you've got to understand those rules of life. There's always a Vig. If he turns out to be a scumbag and does, who gives a fuck? you still paid your Vig. You did something very nice this weekend,

and I was supposed to come on Saturday to Braya, and you said, now, like, you're why? You said, you said, Paul wouldn't come and say, I'm going to go with my friends. Why put that in your life? And I was a little bit disappointed at first. I really like going on the shows, and it's a lot of fun, and who wouldn't like getting high?

Because no woman wants her man to leave the house to be with another fat fuck, okay? And it made her whole weekend. Listen, why create a beef where they, There ain't one. Why would I, only a bad friend would go, you have to come, fuck your girlfriend, fuck that's not who you want around. When you get in the car with that person, you really got to think about what's his best

interest. I know when somebody's getting taken care of and I know when somebody's not going to take him care of. And you're not going to leave your girlfriend to hang out with some dumb fat fuck to do comedy and bray or four hours in your apartment. It just doesn't see. Right. Comedy stores that?

Yeah, let's go down there. On the way back, we'll stop a surprise her with tacos. Nobody gets in the shit wagon. Right. And if she wasn't mad at all Thursday night, that was just high and paranoid. Yeah, no, no, I am paranoid. I don't believe in creating. But you're right.

It's like, why? I could have gone down, and that's fine. And now it turns out her mom is actually having a procedure this week, so I'm not going to see her next weekend. So. Never, ever, ever. I pretty much ruined my own relationship as a young man. I paid for a deal. I lost a daughter from it.

I'm not saying, I'm, I fucked up also. But I'm the king of fucking up a relationship. You want to fuck up a relationship? Come see me. I'll give you all that. I'll tell you exactly how to do it. I'll tell you how to pee in her drawer. I'll tell you how to not take out the garbage.

Do you pee in her drawer? I didn't say that. I'm just saying, I'll get you thrown out of the house. You want me to get you thrown out of the house? I'll get you thrown out of the house in three fucking week. Send me an email. I'll get anybody thrown out of the house in a week. Send me an email.

I'll give you step-by-step instruction how that person will never call you again. Oh, no. If that's what you want. Yeah, that's not how I want. But because I lost somebody, a wife, that I thought at the time was sacrilegious.

Maybe I wasn't in love with her as much as I wanted to, but I always believed in my heart. I wouldn't fall in love her. I'll teach you how to get rude to. With somebody, if you want. I'll teach you how to get rid of two people. But I also teach you how to keep them. I'm fucking hard on my wife, man.

Sometimes me and my wife don't see eye to eye. But every opportunity, I can tell her I love her, and I could do something nice before I do it. This one, I got up with a prom. I told her what my problem was, and she goes, I was going to take mercy to the zoo anyway. I'll go to yoga tomorrow, and I'll cover for her on Saturday. and that's why she's my wife

and that's why I'll be in a casket and she'll still be my wife because I know how to keep things together I could have got up and told what she was going to do like I used to 20, 30 years ago I didn't she saw what I was doing

she saw it at 7 o'clock I was already ready and fucking out the door so she goes what's going on with you I told I said I was in a bind I got to write this thing I've never done this before and I really want to do a good job. And if the babysitter is watching her, I got to come over here at 10.30 because she's too crazy for one and now.

She's too crazy, Mercy. Oh, really? Yeah, I got to be in the other room at least to give her. And then I take her out, you know, if I'm going to get her. So I said, can you bail me out? So that means next Sunday, I'll go to Jiu-Jitsu next Monday. I'll take mercy. And I'll take mercy all day.

And even though I want to go to J-Jitsu and even though I want to go to see this guy, and even though I've got to go to a wheat store, I got to cover mercy because that makes my wife happy. You're what I'm saying to you? So I know how to keep things together. If I know you want to go see me do comedy, I wouldn't have kept you at home. But I just called you and told you to true.

Why, you've been with her all day. I could see if she's going to go home. She wants to go home to do something with her cousin. And come home. Let's get some weed. Let's get some stars. We'll drive on the 60. I'll play loud music.

I'll beeping people. We'll giggle like assholes on the way home like we always do when we beep. Right. You know, but I didn't know about the procedure. I knew nothing. I thought you were going to see her again. And I know during the week you don't see her. So if you leave it for four hours, like I said, if it was the comedy store,

and there was like a fucking dessert store in Hollywood that we could stop with. The Jews, the fucking Jews, the heaps over on the, what's that, that fucking really good place I took you to, where they were Israeli, where they saw machine guns behind the counter on sunset. Oh, Roma. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Aroma, yeah. Aroma, they got the fucking dessert. See, if we stop over there and get a nice dessert.

By the time you get at the studio, studio, you know, that's how you do. In an hour, she could take a shower, read a book, but women don't mind that. And she wouldn't mind the four hours, but you're absolutely right? Fuck you. We would have to leave it five and not come back for one. Whatever it would have been. She was fine with it. She understands, but what you were talking about earlier, like, put something out there

and you got something back. I did that. I stayed home. and then Sunday I had to go and Steve and I did his podcast and when I got home she'd clean my whole place I didn't ask her she and she's not she normally

she's clean but she doesn't do that and it was just like wow it was like it was and now that made me happy and I want to do more stuff you know it's cool a relationship is a friendship that you put your dick in their ass it should be a Valentine's State court you know

a friendship is a relationship that you bang that person. You exchange liquids, you eat ass, you exchange meals, you know, but it's a friendship plus 3D. I didn't know this at 20 fucking 5. I was too caught up,

not misogynistic, but that fucking spick-fucking world I come from, that stupid mind that I had as a 25-year-old, that machismo. I came from that because that's what I thought was the attitude. That's not the attitude at all,

by no fucking means. And that's why as fucking crazy as I am. And as much as I go off on the cable box and on the cats and how I'm going to kill the cat or whatever, my wife puts up with me because she knows my heart's in the right place. My heart wasn't the right place when I got married the first time. So I appreciate that you told me the truth, you know, that, yeah, why, oh, bro, rule number one, especially with your woman, if you like, a wine maker beef where there ain't none. You want to go out of the house for a now, I want to pick up something that particulates her,

Or if you make sure you go out to see a friend or some stupid UFC fight. Sometimes I'm sitting there with my wife and I go, honey, you have the baby. Do you mind if I go to John Evans? And she'll go, no, I don't want to see that fight. No, I don't want to see that fight. No, shoot the John Evans, watch two fights,

but I don't know what I'm going to stop me, yum yum donuts. And I get a yuhu. So when I walk in, I got a yu and a donut. You follow up with my wife, so she gets it. She gets it. That's the only way you're going to come back is you bring a yum yum yum donuts.

But five hours, even yum yum donuts won't save you. right yum yum donuts can't bring you back until some woman's been sitting there for five first of all she would have been sleeping oh yeah she would have been sleeping but we're a weird place where like when you're when you first start dating

and I've never lived with a girl before or ever like whenever they're there you want to spend all your time with them but now she she's fucking I'm not going to see her at all this summer she's studying for the bar so I'm not going to see her for our anniversary or my birthday

it's your birthday the 20th how are you going to be 28 I had a panic attack this weekend think about that. I know that's young, and I know there's a lot of people out there who are like 20. But it went fast, Lee. Bro, I'm gambling.

I'm two years away from 30. Fast when you were 21. I met you. I don't know. I must have been 23. And I tell people all the time that for a while here, I was doing a show where I would come out here and talk about 10 years ago today. 10 years ago, let me tell you what I was doing. And I got emails with people going, that was fucking crazy.

Just to let people know the contrast in your lives. What was I doing? What is it right now? 2016. All right, so it's March. April 4th. April 4th. Sorry, that's how high I got on this show of 2006.

Right now, I was going through one of the toughest periods of my life. Emotionally, I was lost. The longest yard had been out almost a year, and all the things that were supposed to happen did not happen. And it was just fucking trying. traumatizingly. It was traumatizing. This was the beginning of 10 years ago right now. This was the beginning of a funk that lasted until I had just gotten throat surgery. Yeah. I had just got neck surgery. The ball? The fat ball. Okay. I was recovering. I wasn't feeling good about myself. I was not healthy by no means.

Not even in the ballpark guys. Every time I walked into the doctor's office, they wouldn't let me leave then until my blood pressure went down. They'd give me the extra medication for me to walk out. Really? Yeah, I was walking around at 180 or 160 in those days. Now I'm walking around at 150, over 80,

and after an hour I'll go down on 130. That's how bad they're shape I was in. Ten years ago, right now, March of 2006, if I think because I... Carlos and Joe had just had their beef and I didn't stop doing blow till 2007. So that last year before I stopped doing blow was my year of just mental...

I didn't know what I was going to do with my wife. Me and my girlfriend at the time went doing so well. We were at the six-year mark and we had just gotten into out of a bad hole and we were going right back into another cash-wise. Oh, no. What was happening?

I got on the blow and now was from the longest yard money, now my resistance had gone up from the blow. So now I was doing 120 a night. A night? $120 a night on a minimum. Four nights a week. That tears into your fucking house, Jack. Oh my God, of course it does. That's like $500 a week.

It's $2,000 a month. That's without weed. And food and rent. So I was the beginning of my hell. So see, a lot could happen in 10 fucking years. You know, you were just turning 18. I did. Yeah, Jesus Christ, I was just about to graduate.

That's how fast it went. Lee, if you close your eyes and go, okay, from the time I met Joe Diaz, you got a podcast, you shot a documentary, you did fucking Lee's World, you did three sets of T-shirts, you started your own podcast, you got a movie podcast from Ramos, you got a girlfriend. That's a lot. Yeah. With a short amount of time, you've done a lot. That's a...

I said yesterday, I wish I had written a journal as a kid. I wish I, I wish now I had started a journal. Well, you and I got together. That would have been amazing. But I got this email from this guy who said he's... And actually, you might want to do it. It's a brilliant idea. For his twin sons, he's doing...

Every day he's doing a journal for them about what they did and who they saw and went in like... And so, look, when they're 18, they're going to get, like, their childhood. And I was like, wow, that's looking back on all that stuff. Now, when I thought of 28, I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? 28? I moved here 22, 23, just ready to, I don't know, do not. I don't know what I was going to do. But now I'm 28.

And before you know it, you're 32. Oh, no. Then you're 36. Then you remember 40. Then you had 42 when you start having some fucking. doubts. You really do. You really fucking do. Because you figure 40. Yeah, look at it. I didn't even know the number. 42. That was what? 11 years ago. Yeah. You start realizing like what? I got married again, which I never thought I would get married again. A lot has happened to 10 years in 2006.

That's what you have to do from time to time. And really reevaluate what you were thinking. about like that's scary even to me to think about it in 2006 I was not married I did not have a child in my future a podcast was not even close to happening there was nobody coming to my shows there was no Twitter there was no nothing there was maybe uh my space and look at what's happened in 10 years so if you're 26 right now start fucking thinking start thinking about how fast this fucking goes man this is a journey that goes fucking fast I got back from Paducah the last Sunday. I blinked and I was picking her up at the fucking airport. She even said the same thing. These were the fastest four fucking days of our lives.

I thought I was in the mission. It was going to be slow. It was so fucking busy. It was so fucking busy last week. I didn't even know where to start or where to end. Do you still feel, like what age do you feel? Because it just feels to me like kind of like what you just said. It feels to me like I got here, put my head down and started working. And now I'm going to be 28 in July. It's like, what are you talking about? How old do I feel right now? Yeah.

I feel better now than when I did at 40. Wow. Those two years, three years, the longest year I was 418, I couldn't go up those stairs at the three floors. And every time I went to the doctor was a surprise. And there was some scary fucking issues. I feel better now. You know, every time you do 10 push-ups of that, you know,

Now I go, I can do the warm-up at Jiu-Jitsu. And I think about me as a 53-year-old and the warm-up that I'm doing and how I'm surviving it. And, you know, I'm fine. I'm going to be fine. You know, age is what you, you know, if you surround yourself with old people, you're going to get old. Yeah.

I'm not trying to get young. I'm not doing face jobs. I don't wear young clothes. I don't wear young sneakers. I don't do young things. I'm an old fucking man that I accepted it. Now, it's not being old. It's staying young in your mind.

It's knowing what the trends are. I'm like a six-year-old in my mind. I don't want people to think that, you know, I don't want somebody to say to me, do you know what, and I'm not keen on all the computer stuff if it wasn't for you. You know, yeah, I do the Facebook and the Twitters and shit like that, but I don't really, I'm not keen on, like, all of them. I'm not really trying that hard to.

I like the Twitter. It keeps the messages short, and I like the Facebook, and we move from fucking there. But if I got to take pictures all day, put them up. I can't do that. Snapchat stories. Yeah, I don't want to do none of that shit. I don't want to do none of that shit. I'm too busy in my day.

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All right? Thank you for watching the show today. I love you, motherfuckers, with all my heart. I'm going to be home for a while, but helium, where am I going to be? In Buffalo, April 20th, 1st, and my man, Crackers in Indianapolis, April 28. We ain't fucking around.

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