The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #399 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: July 21, 2016

Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt, live in studio! This podcast is brought to you by:   Indochino - Go to Indochino.com and use code "church" at checkout to get any premium suit for only $399, thats up to 50% off.   Blue Apron: Go to blueapron.com/JOEY to get your first three meals free and free shipping!   Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.     Recorded live on 07/20/2016.
  

Just in case things go deep, we got donuts to bail us out. Thank you. He just don't have an epileptic fit. Here you go, kid. Bye, yeah. Should I take it now? No, no, next week. Yeah, now.

Okay. All, let's start this fucking thing. This show is brought to you by Blue Apron. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals for free. That's right. You get your first three meals for free. And there's free. shipping.

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to save 10% on all their amazing optimization products like AlfaBrain, New Mood, ZoomTuk Immune, and ShumTex Sport. It's Wednesday night, cock suckers. Here we go. Taking a little psychological ride with you and shit. Kick that meal late. Kick that meal.

They want to hear this. They want to hear this. Oh shit. What? To Churchill what's happened now, motherfuckers. Coming at you direct. Lee Syiac. Uncle Joey.

Here we go. Black Lives Matter. There you go. Listen to this shit. They're right here. Here you go. A white dude could never play that bass. That's all funk.

That's all soul. How can you shoot that motherfucker? He had a weapon. No. He had a bass. What's happened, you bad motherfuckers? Uncle Joey here with his main gumba on his 28th fucking birthday. Thank you so much.

My main man, Lee Syatt. What's going on? How was your birthday today, my brother? It was good. It was when I first got here, it used to bum me out when I used to work on my birthday. I forget what comedian has a joke about it. I think it might be Jim Gavigan having to work on your birthday sucks. But it's just, it's kind of weird.

It's kind of turned into like almost any other. day, but it's always, it's just nice to get to talk to people that I haven't got to talk to in a while. Who'd you talk to? I talked to Steve Simone. I talked to Johnny Rock. I talked to my parents a couple times. Had lunch with Paula.

It was, uh, just very... I hadn't talked into that. You were going to have a lonely fucking birthday. I wasn't going to have a lonely, but she's stunning for the bar, so I just... What is the fuck? Nobody has a lonely birthday. What are you fucking crazy? I get, uh...

I talk a lot of shit about birthdays. I talk a lot of shit about birthdays because I live in L.A. We live in L.A. And people invite you to these 7 o'clock birthday parties in L.A. And they're a bunch of jerkoffs. They, you know, they drive in traffic. And there's eight people, nine people.

They have the people who have to be people that don't show up. This guy shows up with this guy. And it's a fucking, and then the tab comes. And everybody's looking at each other with rabidies. And there you are fucking paying for that. It's a fucking nightmare. I hate those birthday parties. They're too fucking fake for me.

But whenever somebody has a birthday, Whenever somebody says it's their birthday, I think back to my fucking 23rd birthday. You know, that's what I always think back to. Was it good or bad? It was just, it wasn't that it was good or bad. It's that I spent it alone. But it was at a time when I didn't need to spend it alone.

Like I just needed some communication. And I had a little communication in the daytime, but that was it. was on my own the rest of the day. And I took care of myself. I had like my favorite Chinese food. I had a little bit of pot. You know, it wasn't a bad day. Like I was under a fucking wall or something.

Right. But I always remembered how it just made me weird that I was alone. And that's why tonight, like, when we were coming back, we were going to eat, you ask you, I picked up Mercy and I go, what do you want to do? And she goes, I want to go home. I go, it's Lee's birthday. What are you want to do? And she's like, get cake, get cake.

You know, so I go, I was going to go get a cake anyway. carve out but you said you had to eat with paula so i wanted to take it to this new italian place we got turned on to that even the baby eats that it's fucking delicious so uh we stopped it and got you the cake and uh listen man it's not like it's a thousand dollar fucking car or uh you know but you don't need like it's uh to me if i'm being honest with you like at like last night because i thought i knew i was going to be alone today like i thought it was going to be alone today and you're right you don't need to be but I'm always do that I always put stuff in my head that like now won't bother anybody no no no it's not that you don't bother anybody it's

that um there's just this thing in life that it's a part of being decent you know where you just tell somebody happy birthday but if you know their circumstance or whatever it's nice just to do something out of the fucking ordinary you know with people I hate when people try to buy your birthday, you know, like, give you, like, an expensive suit or something. I've always hated those birthday presents. I like when somebody calls me and says, this is going to movies.

I know you want to go to that movie. Your birthday's on Monday. Let's go see the 1 o'clock. You know, there's nothing going on on Monday. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's the kind of shit you do on your birthday. After a certain age. In my mind, a nice fucking lunch,

a nice fucking movie, Tutu Tzu Tzu Tzu, Tzu. You go home, you take a nap, right? And then you have family dinner with your fucking family and they break your balls and you go to bed. That's your birthday. That's as hard as I want my fucking birthday. You know, like people who really know you. Yeah.

I don't like the fucking shigma gigs and people showing up and it's at a bar. That shit drives me crazy. At what point for you did gifts become weird? I'm at that point now. People ask me, like my parents keep asking me. I'm like, I don't really need anything. Like, I feel bad asking for a gift from you guys. I always feel weird when I,

got to get from somebody, especially somebody from like the podcast that listens to the podcast. And I know how you justify it. I justify it by knowing that we put out a free podcast and entertains them at work for an hour. And maybe if they didn't have a podcast, they would, you know, if they didn't have serious, serious is a hundred dollars, I don't know, a year or something like that. So people give you gifts. And I don't mind those. They're very thoughtful.

When you're on the road, they're really thoughtful. And you bring them home. And you're like, that was so nice to bring fucking Pink Floyd or send it to me in the mail or, you know. And those are the type of gifts because, like, when it's, I mean, everything that I've seen or been given on the road is always something, usually something small. Because it has to be. They have to give it to you. They give me shirts for mercy. But they know, they know exactly what you like.

Well, they listen to the podcast. Yeah, exactly. They listen to the fucking podcast, which makes it, it's like you're going to give me a wallet. You know, who needs a fucking wallet? I love my old wallet. You know what I'm saying? I stay with a wallet from broke, when I'm broke, I throw it away.

Once you're broke, then you throw the wallet away. It's a kiss of debt. But if it's a good wallet, if you're okay with it, you're making a little money, fuck, you keep the wallet. I don't care if the flaps are falling off that motherfucker. If it's bringing your Getus, you hold on for that fucking wallet. That's when it really begins, when it starts falling apart. Yeah, when it starts falling apart,

you've got to make adjustments. You got to put that picture of grandma in the drawer instead of carry. Who gives a fuck? She's dead. You cash the check. It's over. She's on some planet, whatever. the fuck who knows i don't know uh it's just really weird that i just don't like uh spending birthdays

ever since that birthday that birthday really solidified of me like i said i don't want to go to an amusement park i don't want to have nothing i don't want a hundred happy birthdays on fucking facebook or my space whatever fucking is i just want you to just treat me normally that's it i don't want to go fucking to a party i don't want to wait kazoo ads i do it at the house now for mercy we got a car Carvel cake tonight. That we're not a small one. Oh, yeah, it was nice. And it was delicious.

So the Diaz family tradition is when there's a birthday, you got a small Carvel cake, whether you want it or not. Whether you want it or not, that's it. That's the best we could do for you is a small Carvel cake. She was so excited. I came in. She was like, we have a surprise. There's cake.

And I was like, and there's nothing. I knew it was going to be a Carvel cake because it's you. Like, you never, there's no other cake for you. There's no vanilla cake. Do you ever have cake like that? Or you're just, you're a Carvel, man. Listen, there's two cakes I like There's that fucking Conville cake

And that chocolate debt from that fucking restaurant You go over in Burbank Oh yeah That's it I'm part of it After a while All fucking cake tastes the same It all tastes like somebody made it from fucking

Betty Crocker That shit drives me crazy If you're gonna make me a Betty Crocker cake Listen don't bring a Betty Crocker cake To the fucking thing Leave it next to the ranch dressing Because I'm already Betty Crocker The fuck out

How many Betty Crocker cakes can eat your fucking life 8,000. Yeah, you eat that. They're delicious when you're 22 and 16, but when you're 40 and they show up with that cream cheese fucking dressing, I want to stab me in the fucking neck. Be original. Switch up on the fucking frostings.

I know what that fucking shit looks like. That whatever, that cup that comes, that you lick the sides. When that thing dries a little bit, that's cancer. Look at it. When that chocolate dries on a spoon, that's cancer. What do you think I do those CBD drops now? because I'm scared all those fucking spoons I like put that fucking cancer on it.

You know how many containers of that shit I ate when I was a kid just getting high? You would eat containers of frosting? That frosting shit that come me and three other fucking savages in Aspen. Well, I live in Snowmaster, guys from Mancato upstairs would eat that shit at night when they got high.

What would you dip it in? A spoon. Just boomed the straight frosting? Three of us were three fucking spoons. Bam, bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam. That chocolate, fudge, whatever, that's cancer.

You could taste the cancer particles as you're eating it. Yeah, it's like all chemicals. Yeah. Yeah. No, no, no. And you know what? It's like, it don't even, it's like hostess cakes. I grew up on hostess cakes. Those fucking apple pies, delicious. Those, uh, the yo-yo, whatever the fuck they are, the circle thing with the whatever in the middle made by hostess. Look at the come yums or yodels or yodels. Those things,

I grew up on those fucking things. You look at a yodel, that's cancer. Those little cancer sticks, that's cancer. but they're fucking delicious while you're eating them you're like chemo can suck my dick you don't give a fuck about that shit it's the truth go down and get one of those apple pies now they're fucking they're still

delicious and you know you're getting diabetes like as you're eating it look at the calorie count on it it's like each apple pies 600 fucking calories I never even tried those are those like just little handheld apple pie 711 those hostas pies that now everybody makes like three the ISIS makes one

fucking 711 took over the company They make one and then hostess has made it. This Jesus unless the 7-11 fucking steals the idea. How are the ISIS ones? Are the ISIS ones good? They're not bad. They're not bad. I had one one night in desperation somewhere.

They're not bad. I love those apple pies. I grew up on 38th Street. We walked up to the fucking dragon, the Chinese dragon. That's the first thing when you walked in there. When you walked into hashways, that's the first thing you saw, a rack for fucking hostess. fucking hostess cakes. The donuts, the chocolate donuts are delicious.

They make a box of chocolate donuts. You ever take a box of hostess chocolate donut, the little one, the donuts? Of course. A box. Oh, yeah, you go for the box. Oh, my God, I've probably eaten enough for a display. Those things, I like the glazed ones. And you know what?

Those are the only time I get powdered donuts. Those little white ones. I never buy powdered donuts. Yeah, those little white ones are good. You know what they good with? What? What do I hate? Milk.

Oh. But you know what those parts are? of donuts are good with? Milk. You dip those powder donuts and a little bit of milk. Let it drain really good so you can't taste the milk.

Fucking delicious. Fucking delicious. You understand me? Fucking delicious. Oh my gosh. So how are you feeling, man? How's the nose feeling? The nose is fucking tremendous.

I got to give kudos to Dr. Mazza and Dr. Lyne's office. Everything is beautiful. I'm sniffing. I'm off the fucking aphrine. Two weeks now, 10 days, whatever.

I'm breathing. It's overwhelming. at first when you walk and when you go on the elliptical and when you do kettlebells I mean but I have to reprogram my breathing so I had to start reading dr. Belize's book from scratch again and that's what I started doing Saturday was just doing those exercises that she teaches you know the the cat cow position exhaling and breathing sitting down and feeling your fucking pelvis so I've been doing that again just to try to get I want in the next. The next mission is to get the sleep apnea, your mask off.

So we got to shrink the fucking neck. I'm not going under surgery. That means we're going into deep fucking murky waters of exercise. I got a new plan going on. So if you lose weight, you'll be able to get rid of the sagatia? I hope so. I hope so. I burned a lot of this fat around my fucking neck.

If you look at pictures from the longest yard and shit, my neck is shrunk a lot. You know what I'm saying? You can see my Adam's apple again. There was a while there you can see. It was just a fucking string from here down. Now I've got the fat hanging from the, fucking meat that was in there. Oh, yeah.

I'm not going to go get that out. I don't give a fuck, dog. No, no more surgeries? No, I would never do a vanity surgery like that. Have they asked you to? Have they been like, oh, you can do this? No, no, nobody says nothing to you. I'm just saying that I don't want to do plastic surgery and nothing

like that. That's not my world. Nothing. You know, knock on wood, I've never really had to fuck with that stuff, and I don't really want to do that stuff. I ain't going to get no better looking at this point. What the fuck am you going to do to me? You're going to tighten my skin around my eyes. What are you going to do?

I had a birth mark removed when I was really young. And it ended up fucking me up because I was on my leg. And I had a lower walker because I'm a midget. So I always have the lower locker. And I bend down and all my stitches popped. So now I don't have feeling in like half of my upper thigh. You got to be careful with those surgeries. There's no reason to do those.

I got to go see Dr. Hamie because since the surgery, I got a pain in my left wrist. I got the original pain I had in there. It was really weird. Maybe it was the anesthesia. You get effects after a surgery. So when I woke up from the surgery, guys, my Tuesday and Wednesday night, I couldn't even fucking sleep from the pain in my wrist. It would wake me up in the middle of night if I had left my wrist twisted or something. So I would have to sleep on my right side. And the pillow there was too high and it kept slanting my mask. It was two nights of fucking horror. The wrist pain was so fucking bad. Now, now I stretched it. I did the fucking exercises. And now the pain, that same little pain, has shifted back to my left, my right knee. So that means there's a pain.

There's an energy that's trapped in there. I got to go, Dr. Amy, you stick some fucking needles. And I got to tell you something. Dr. Amy hasn't even called me to check in on me one fucking time. So I'm really surprised. That's crazy. That's crazy. Yeah, I thought about that.

Well, I haven't spoken to Dr. Amy. She wanted me to come down last Thursday. She goes, I'll call you Wednesday night and ask you see how you are. I never heard from Dr. Amy again. So it's kind of fucked up. I got to call her to a monster, and I got to wake her up out of the fucking grave. But something weird happened today, man. Something weird happened that I don't like...

I had to talk to it. But in talking to that friend of mine, I remembered something. You know, I often think about my life, and I think about the gaps that let me get involved in the things I got involved in. You know, unless you're a fucking moron, you have to look back at your life and go, okay, when was the first time I did heroin? I did heroin in my mom's basement when I was 16

at 3.30 in the afternoon when she wasn't home because she was out playing fucking cards and your dad was working until 9 o'clock at night. So you always think about those holes in your game as a young man. So someday when you become a parent, you know, you don't have those holes in your game. I came from a home that my mom respected me and I loved her and she loved me. But, you know, you act up.

You act up, Lee, and something has to be done. My mom had a couple different punishments. You know, she had the attacking me and smacking me and sending me to my room punishment or the punish, you're punished for a week, punishment, no fucking TV, that type of stuff, which is the standard. I could look you in the eyes, a man, and say I was not abused as a child, beat up or anything.

Everything that came to me, I got. You follow me? I'm one of those guys. I tell you the truth about that type of stuff. So I understood that, but a friend of mine posted some of a dear friend of mine who I love dearly posted something on Facebook. That was a weird question about his child.

That's child wouldn't stop hitting. What do you recommend? I saw it late last night, and I read the post of these fucking, people and some of it was bullshit but some of it was meant I don't believe in hitting a child leave I don't believe in attacking a child but let me explain something to you you always have to maintain with that child that you're an authority figure and that's very hard to do you know what I'm saying I mean that's a hard job because you love them so much

and you don't want to like you don't want to yell at them or like what what's the reason because you love them so much one two it's like if you had a job in a way out If I was a boss in a warehouse and I had an eight-man crew, when we loaded trucks that night, I would treat you with respect and give you a lot of love. So if there was a problem, you come to me and we could fix it. But at the same time, with all that love and all that respect, I told you about my work ethics. We're only taking break times off. We're working straight.

Listen, you want to get out of here early? We'll work through lunch, and we'll get out of here early. Done. Let's go. We're all in business. somebody can't come in one night to load a truck, let us know and we'll fix it for you, we'll cover for you, and we'll all be prepared to, you know what I'm saying,

where people wouldn't quit. People would want to come into the job, whether they were getting $10 an hour or $22 an hour. You ever have a boss in a situation where they just scumbags to you? All the time. Okay. Did you ever figure out where they were fucking coming from? Did you ever think to yourself, like, where is this fucking moron coming from?

Yeah. I mean, I would really, I would think a lot about like I would get bummed. Why would this guy act this way over this fucking job? Because they have a sad life or something like that. It's the weirdest fucking thing. So I could never see myself acting like that even towards a child. Listen, I'm not going to tell you Mercy's is the perfect child because she's fucking not.

Mercy still has a lot of buck wild little things. I told my wife the other day. Mercy has a couple tendencies. That scared of shit out of me. But at the same time, I'm happy she has them. Oh my God, that's tough. Do you know what I'm saying? Because I see her tonight in front of you.

She wouldn't stop until I said, I'm sorry. And you kept asking like, why? Why? What did I do? And she was like, no, just say it. You follow me? She has that quality where she'll say, I'm sorry to you. She'll, I hear a lot of fucking, no, I not.

And I got to hear my wife getting rough with her a little sometimes. My wife will say, get up, get up, you know, and stuff like that. but I'll go to check what's going on, and I get where Mercy's coming from. Do I like that? She's telling my wife? No, I not? Not really,

but this is going to be another situation in her life where somebody's going to say something. She's going to say, no, I'm not. I'm not fucking doing that. That's the tendency that I like when she says it. The situation that she's saying it to her mom since the age of three,

and she said it to me a couple times, not looking, talk to her in Spanish, and then she puts her head, And then I ask her to apologize. She'll give me like 10 minutes. Sometimes she'll apologize. Sometimes they put her in a timeout. I don't dream.

I hit mercy or choking her butt. And a lot of guys that listen to the podcast, Timmy, you know, listen to the podcast. A lot. He knows that we grew up in Homesdown when we get hit a certain age as men. We get a little froggy with our dads. And our dads have to put us in our place. You know what I'm saying? If you come for a particular house home, one day your brother comes in.

He's like, I'm not doing that. And your dad's like, what are you talking about? You're like, I'm not doing that. You know, there's a fucking wrestling match and you live in a room, bro. You know, and it gets ugly in some homes. But at that point, that dad has to crush that whole thought that he has. He has to push that situation to the limit. Do you understand me?

I do, but here's the thing, though, in doing that, like, how do you make sure that you don't, crush out the thing that you want in mercy. Like that, no, I not. Like, you have to discipline her so she doesn't do it to your wife and you, but you don't want to crush it out of her. Right. No, no, no, no.

I just try to talk to her when she says, no, I'm not. At the time, I try to talk to her about it. And I know that at this age now, it's bad for her to talk to me as parents. Right. But later on, I'll remind her that, no, I'm not. Okay, that makes sense.

I'm in different situations. and she'll have it already inside her. She's been saying that for a year now. So when I'm trying to explain to you when you have a man in the house, like in this situation, my friend, something happened at school.

I don't really know the whole ups and downs to say this, but he seemed a little concerned. And I said there's two times in life where a man has to step up to his child. And it's right now with him and his child where you have to scare him more than hit him. Do you see him talking to? Absolutely. I'm still scared of my parents. So I told him that to sit him down tonight and explain to him, you know, I don't care if he's five,

that he can't do what he's doing anymore and think the way he does anymore. And he can't raise his hands to his siblings, blah, blah, blah, nobody else. And the next time he does, that there's going to be some problems. and at that point he comes home one day, three days later, and this kid's in trouble again. You know, he hasn't really ever struck him or whatever, and you don't want to strike your child, but you also want to let him know who's running the operation. I told him, grab him by the back of the neck,

you throw him up out of the chair, you drag him to the bathroom on the floor, and take an extra walk with him, dragging him, ripping his shirt in the meantime. You get to the bathroom, you throw on the cold water, You pick him up, you rip his clothes off, and you put him in the cold water. You take him out and you whip him with a belt. You put him in the cold water, and you whip him.

You dry him off, and you make him go in his room naked. And he's in there for seven days, happy, yon style, only to come out and eat. Not even to come out, need. He eats his meals in there. And while he's in there, for entertainment, he's got a right. I will not disobey, or I will not disrespect, or I will not raise my hand to such and such. to his fucking fingers bleed. If he's not in school, that's what he's doing.

And it was so weird while me telling her the story, I remember where I got this from. And let me tell you something. The person who did this, in today's world, all three of those children are successful. Two girls married their high school sweethearts.

They did not do drugs. The boy did drugs. But today, they're fine. They all got college degrees. They all paid back their loans. When I was a child, my mom was a godmother to a girl in Miami. Are you with me? And in return, his father, the girl's father, Jacqueline, was my dad's best friend from Cuba.

They had grown up together. Okay. So for some reason, he was away, and he was supposed to be my godfather. But Gabby stepped in and coming. covered for me. This guy's name was Rodolfo. Okay. And I was very young. I was very lucky at a young age. And I was telling my wife this that I want this for my daughter if something happens to me, that I wanted to take cultural vacations, not to a different country or nothing, but different parts of the country, especially some part of the country that is in her roots. Like for me, it was Miami. So my mom would

send me by myself to Miami from the age of six to 13. I would go to Miami every summer for three weeks, maybe four, and I would stay with this family. And on one condition that I did it accordingly to their rules. So I had to behave myself. My mom would give me a couple hundred to give it to them, and they were allotted to give it to me. Okay. Okay, at that age. So my mom would give me $500 for four weeks, and I had to give it to them.

and when I asked them for 20 bucks to buy lunch from my cousins, they would say yes, and they would give me the money. It was a really good score. Now, would you look forward to it as a kid? Fuck, yeah. Yeah? Fuck yeah. It was three weeks, four weeks of being on a beautiful property

and going to the beaches and going to baseball camp and going to more beaches and going to people swimming pools and cooking outside. It was a surreal life. He loved me, and I loved him. the kids I loved them and they love me but the point of this fucking story was he was what he was but in real life she was a professor in Cuba and she had been raised in a certain way in Cuba she was a beautiful woman she's still alive today okay my uncle Rodolfo he's dead and buried ten times already

this woman did whatever they did but when they had three kids and stopped and became a mom in the meantime she and You know, not like my mom. She took care of herself and she had hobbies. And, yeah, from time to time, she would have a cocktail. But in the summers, part of our deal, if I went down there, was that I had to do a curriculum, whatever Vivian said to me. Like a schoolwork? Oh, yeah.

So even if you didn't have school, it didn't mean you were going to play all day. So let's say we would get up at six and eat breakfast and stuff like that. that and then we'd watch TV for an hour and by eight we all had to go into the kitchen and she'd buy workshops work books for like this is crazy she'd buy American workbooks and we'd have to sit there and work on math English reading geography for how long till about 11 o'clock for three hours and then she would from there we'd go to lunch or something and then we'd come back home and do the same for another hour. But in that hour, instead of all of us

doing it, Jacqueline would play the piano while we were doing work. So the mother would sit with us, help us with our homework, and at the same time listen to Jacqueline play the fucking piano. And be like, oh, you messed up there. You messed up there. Do it again. Do it again. Let's go. And she'd sing it. So she'd be working with three fucking kids

and at the same time working with Jacqueline on the piano. Now, they had a nephew. You know, the two girls were great. But the little boy was a fuck up. He was in the middle. And I shouldn't say fuck up. He was just a little boy that was surrounded with girls year round. When you have two girls and you grow up as a boy in the middle, you lose your fucking mind from time to time. They fuck with your shit, you know, and they get into a fist fight. So he had a rule in this house. He couldn't hit his sisters. But sometimes his sisters hit him,

but he couldn't stay hit so he would push him. And then he would get jacked up. Let me tell you how they would fucking punish this kid. No matter what happened, where it was, what time of the day it was, let's say we were outside climbing the tree and the sister came out, the younger sister, and she would say something to him, help me go up to the tree and he would go, all right, and he would help her up. They'd get into an argument. She'd throw a twig at him, and with his luck, he would throw a twig out of her, but it would hit her in the eye.

And then she'd run in, bleed, and dug. They would just, she would come out to mother. and say, Ophito, come here. I mean, this was criminal. And when Ophita would walk up, she would reach a hand behind his fucking neck and basically pick him up like a clean and then just turn around and he'd be dragging.

He'd go, I didn't hit her. I didn't hit her. And on the walk over there, his shirt would be ripping. This is why I got this from. His shirt would be ripping. And he'd be yelling. And it would be in a split fucking secondly. Like, like, I didn't end him.

Like, it was just, fucking crazy. Like me and you were just playing. You and I were just throwing spit balls at each other and all of a sudden the third spitball seemed to hit you in the fucking eye. I was right there. It wasn't on purpose. But she didn't give a fuck because she would say

to them before the whole game started. Listen, if something happens, don't say no to me later. But that was his luck that no matter when she said that. Like if we were playing like one day we were fucking hitting eggs or something like I don't know what we're doing. He had that luck that everything

would just go wrong fam he was always a year younger than me we communicate today and that's why i was thinking about this she would rip him by the fucking neck drag him to the shower put cold water on and throw him in the shower with clothes off and sometimes while he was in the shower she'd smack him with the belt depending on the severity of what he had done or sometimes she would rip his fucking clothes off dry him off and then put him in his bedroom and you know what the punishment was he had a kneel on two For hours, Lee. I was in the fucking room facing the wall, kneeling on two beans.

Trust me, she made me kneel on two beans for a fucking couple hours here and there. Because she'd give you options. Either I whipped the fuck out of you, either you could write, or you could kneel on beans all day naked. And you'd have to kneel on beans naked facing the fucking wall.

And the sisters would walk by and giggle at them. shit, he would cry. Stop it, Gina, mommy. Gina's making fun of me. She commends. That would happen one time to me, like, I'm not going back to Aunt Karen's house ever again. Like, that's on, like, that never

happened. And, like, I probably got spanking maybe under 10 times. They wouldn't spank me. I remember doing the fucking lines, the punishment lines, and I also remember kneeling on the beans. And I also remember doing yard work for full fucking days straight.

That was torturous. no gloves with millim, you know, like she would make you feel the punishment. Why are you getting in trouble so much? At this, you know, we would throw rocks. I would be a New York City kid that would go to Miami. And I would do New York City stuff in a different fucking thing that they never saw before. And they would do things I had never seen before. You follow I'm saying to you?

So we would ride bicycles and they'd say, don't do this. And all of a sudden, me and, like, I don't know, they would, we were like, let's say I was eight and Orfeito was six. they would say don't do don't pop wheelies on the bikes because I would send the bike down I would just I would save my money all year and buy a bike and when I went to C is down there by the bicycle so when I would go down there in the summers I had my own bicycle okay so I could ride around with them

in those days you could ride a bicycle without a helmet and knee pads and you'd have to be fucking dressed the arm to ride a bicycle it was suburbia it was real suburbia there really wasn't any traffic we could ride around this block thousand times before we saw a car in those days. Wow, okay. So we all had bicycles down there.

So that's it, they'd say to us, don't pop wheelies. And also no, Fito would fucking fall off the bike. And they'd say, how'd you pop a wheelie? No, how'd you hurt yourself? I'd pop the wheelie. I'd tell you not to pop a wheelie or get in there. Now I'm taking the bicycle and I'm going to run it over with the car. But they didn't really run it over with the car.

They would just make him go inside. He cried. They're going to run my car over. They're going to put it in the dumpster. But let me tell you something, man. didn't get that type of exclusive discipline. And you know what? I remember going down there when I was about.

Now, Jackie and I are around the same age, and I'm maybe two years older than Orfeito and maybe four years or five years older than Gina. And when I went back down an age, Ofito was doing drugs, but the other two girls, not at all. And then my uncle went to jail. So they had to sell the house and the property and move to Atlanta.

And while they were in Atlanta, that's when my mom died, and I would keep in touch with them. And then I lost contact with them and re-contracted with them in 84. And the one girl was already getting married. The other one was already in college. Do you think if the uncle hadn't gone to prison, you would have moved in with them when your mom passed away? Without a shadow of a doubt. That was already pre-planned. While my mother was alive, there was conversation.

about me moving down there because there was a school down there called Loyola Private military school or some shit And they had threatened me with that school And Radhaffel always wanted me closer to him anyway Because he always felt guilty about my dad dying But when I was a kid, they were fucking strict with their kids And let me tell you something, we used to go to restaurants and shit constantly

Because they had dough So the old man would take us to seafood restaurants and shit. And those kids were well-behaved. And I was always well-behaved because my mom took me to restaurants and she would fucking smack the fuck out of me out of me if I embarrassed her. But it's so amazing how

I look back at the discipline they had and I look at how they turned out and it doesn't surprise me. Did they get beat the fuck up? No, they didn't. They got punished the old-fashioned way. They got punished by writing out pay. Listen,

when you got that punishment, You know the 8 o'clock hour where you watch cartoons? Right. You would get up, eat breakfast, and at 8 o'clock, you had to be in the living room on the table. They had a good card table. And the card table was always set up year-round in a corner next to the piano. That was always there for anybody who fucked up. And you just sat there from 8 to 6 o'clock at night and just wrote,

I will not disrespect Lee again. and the eyes had to be under the eyes, the wills had to be under the wills, the will not disrespect. The Lees had to be under Lees. And you wrote Pagesley. So you wrote from eight to five, and then you took an hour break,

and then from seven to fucking that time, you wrote again. But she always gave you a break on the third day. You know what three days are doing that is? No. You have no idea. And when she got super pissed, she'd make you write in English and in Spanish. And then my mom picked that up from that.

That's when my mom picked that up. When I got older, her and one would make me fucking write lines constantly. Fucking all day. All day. It's, uh, raising children is fucking tough, man. And you have to make some wild decisions. Like, how would it make you feel? Not with your friend or even when as a kid

Since you grew up with discipline if you went over and saw one of your friends like back talking their parents wouldn't make you like Like freak you out a little bit? It used to see you still like what the hell is happening? I can make a joke about this, but I don't really remember who the family was I'd like if I had a narrow it down The first white kid I ever see disrespect his family was a kid by the name of Michael Olson from down the union term They were Irish. And I've talked about this guy before because he's on Facebook now. He's very unique. Now he's got teeth.

But when we were kids, he had been smoking from such a young age, from like 10 or 11. He had been smoking. He had eight or nine brothers. They were all Irish. They all had freckles. They all had red hair. And his teeth were so cavitied and so green and so unbrushed that he got cavities and he would put his cigarettes in the cavity and smoked his cigarette.

But one time, you know, listen, man, you don't know what kids' houses are going to be like when you get invited over there. One time he called me up and he's like, well, I don't know if he called me up. We got together and he goes, you want to walk me to my house? And I went over to his house. Michael Olson lived off a unit turnpike next to a body mechanic shop where people tow cars and shit like that. His family lived there. They didn't have much money. They just had nine or ten kids. And I remember going in there and the mother talking to him and him saying shit to the mother.

And my heart's not. Yeah, it just stops. Oh, my God. It's like, are you going to die now? Like, that's just that you're going to be dead. My friend's going to be dead. And they're just not. I'm almost positive.

It was the Olsons. He's on Facebook. He's got a hat on and shit hysterical. Like a fucking, like a journeyman of some shit. you have the one comment that just like could kill someone but it's like it's it just for them like the guy he has a hat on like he probably loves that hat if he literally like what's wrong with the hat he's talking about why didn't why doesn't joey like the hat but he's got it's not like a normal baseball hat it's like an indiana jones hat why would you put an indiana fucking jones hat unless

you're explorer he must love it it's his facebook profile i love a lot of things i love the police would happen in the outlaw Josie Wells that scene there somebody shot him but before that with the hat I love that hat I can't wear that half first one to my head don't fit in those fucking things I got a weird shaped head my head doesn't fit any hands so from there on that's it but it's uh as a parent you're always trying to figure out how to discipline and you learn how to discipline how you got disciplined you know I never got crack with a whip I got crack

with hands, couple objects, couple of elbows, you know, shit like that. I didn't even get that. I still remember the first time I saw

a kid get like even just smacked in the back of the head. Like, I had never seen it before. And this kid, I remember like it was like it was yesterday.

It was my friend's house and two older brothers and I don't even remember what the older brother did. I think he took like a thing of pudding from some from the other brother. And the father just looked and gave him a quick in the back of the head

and I must have looked like a deer in headlights because I had never like the the only thing I remember about like the few spankings or things I got is like it felt like the earth like the world's slowed down like it was in slow mo like that bong hit and like it was because it happened so so like infrequently

and it wasn't it was just so weird but so the when you were saying about like throw the get into the shower like that's where you're going to get some kickback these days well here's the deal you're not hitting the child you're putting a child in shock okay you're taking the kid out of his comfort zone completely right he's never been dragged on the floor and he's never been throwing a fucking cold shower before that's going to blow his circuitry right there especially when your mom does it or your dad who loves you know who loves you and now he explained himself to you before it happened

That's the key. You have to explain yourself, which nobody ever listens to. Which this kid's not going to listen to. This is why this has to happen. This is why this has to happen. A lot of people at home listen to me going, what the fuck are you talking about? You know, it's tough to raise a child.

Would I fucking throw my daughter in the shower if she wouldn't listen to me again? Abs are fucking looting. Abs of fucking looting, a cold fucking shower and go, what the fuck is your problem? This is the deal here. This is the fucking deal in this house. This is how you have to behave yourself. This is how you have to act, you know.

It's, and it must be weird. Just from the, like, the fact, like you, like, being over there tonight, I could never imagine being annoyed with mercy in two seconds. Oh, yeah. She's going to get annoying at some age, and she's going to talk back to her mother, and she's going to come to me for fucking, you know, whatever leverage. And I got to be honest with her and explain to her that her mom is the fucking boss. You know, you have to, if not, you lose the fucking battle, you know.

So I know the position I'm going to beat. It's not like I don't know already. I don't see it played out. I see the hand in front of me. I'm pretty stern with it. You know, I am pretty stern with it. And I grab her and I talk to her. And then I hug her and I explain it.

And sometimes she cries. And sometimes she gets it. She just gets up and runs away and then comes back to minutes later. And we're right back where we started from. But I told her not to hit my nose. and you know what? Three of those days she kissed my nose and she didn't jump on top of me.

She's not a bad kid, you know, but when she gets 10, there's going to be problems. When there's six, there's problems. You know, there's always something, but you have to be there. That's the most important thing. Yeah, and teach them. Well, you know, something happened last week.

Speaking of my teacher, I've been dying to talk to you about this. This is why I'm happy to guess moved. and it was us because I've always had a problem, especially when I was a kid. I always had a problem with people when we went out and did drugs. That was scared. Okay.

So Friday night we're here. We're fucking around. I'm still, I get the stitches out. You know, we've had this liquid acid for God knows how long. Me and Leal and let's just do a little drop us. Now, I've been practicing with the CBD oil because the thing's expensive, so you can't just fucking take it like a savage. So it says seven drops, and you start counting the drops, you know. If he tells me to take seven, I'm 300 pounds, I take 10.

For the CBD, no, no. So then we bumped into the guy at the Chinese restaurant. Yeah. And one thing leads to another. And me and Leah discussing this shit, and I take the one dropper out. And again, I tap this thing down to the least minimal. and I give one to myself, and then I give one to Lee. Now, the one I gave to Lee was so small, but Lee moved and it hit his lip.

So that counter is like a hat, not even. I did, I know what I looked at, in fact, if you asked Lee, I did it a couple times to see what a full drop was, and then I did it again, and I just played with it a little bit. You didn't tell me that's what you're doing, but yeah, I try to get the least amount in there for us just to try it out. Lee's never done it before I haven't done it in years We did the blotter that one time But I just I don't believe in excess the first time

And we saw the gentleman They told us not to fuck around So this time I go Lee Ready for another one Lee does a little one again Again I dabble with it Boom I get a little one in there I don't know if we did one right away

Or we waited a little while I broke your balls And then we did one Okay boom We do the three little dabbles Somewhere along the line I felt that a little nausea

and I felt like my body shivering and stuff but at one point in the podcast I blew a smoke out I blew smoke out out of a bong and I saw how Lee looked at the smoke for a minute

and I'm like oh fuck we're gonna have a problem here so I thought the acid was gonna kick in for me really good the podcast ended the guest left Lee and I stayed here for another 35 40 minutes talking and I tell you what The acid rattled my cage a little bit, but it wasn't like the 80s where I had to go home and drink orange juice and hide and put the earphones on.

And you have the sudden nerves to take a shower and scrub your toes and all this shit. To make to clarify, we did the first one before and we did the second one until after. Okay. So I knew. Because we did three of them, right? I only did two. Okay. I thought we did three half drops, like real small drops.

Maybe you did for me, but I thought I only did. to. Okay, so that was it. We and I have a conversation. I walk home. On the walk home, I feel weird, you know, when you take acid and once it's mixed with your heart and you start moving, now it's a different story. You might kick up the speed from you moving. The adrenaline kicks up the acid. Okay. And all of a sudden, I'm like, oh boy, I'm going to start breathing out of my nose. Thank God they took the stitches out. And I'm breathing out of my nose, breathing out of my and I was finally, guess what, guys? Nothing happened.

I go upstairs, I do my usual, I wash my hands, I take a bus, I wash my hands, I say a little to Demi, he's in the living room, I put the TV on, I get some water, I get the pipe, I get the Lizer, I go outside, and when I finish fucking smoking a pipe right there, I'm like, I'm fucking starving. And I go on the thing, but there's more of the story. I'm sitting here afterward at the 40-minute mark, and I just, have to go home. I'm tired. I got a babysit mercy at 9. And all of a sudden

Lee goes, boy, are you hot? First off, I see him get up by himself, and he turns off the red and blue lights in the studio. So I'm watching all this, and I'm like, this kid's fucked up. But I'm not fucked up. So I took the same amount as Lee. I think Lee took a little less than

me, because one drop fell on his thing, and I go, Lee, put it back on your tongue. So whatever, I'm not accusing me on anything, Lee. I'm just saying that At that point, I felt guilty because I'm like, when is this going to kick in? All right, Lee has done two things so far that showed me that he could be seeing something. When he looked at the smoke and when he asked me if it was hot in here, that's never a good sign when somebody asked if it's hot in here.

So I opened the door and then he says to me, boy, it's so hot in here, I got to take my shoes off. Not only does he take his fucking shoes off, but he takes his socks off like it's the 60s in here. And he's like, boy, I feel better. your feet are hot that means it's tripping but again I'm sitting here guys to my fucking God is my weight this I'm not fucking feeling nothing I'm feeling the reefer did we eat these stars no we had no fucking stars that's why we took the acid we smoked a lot of bonk we smoked a lot of fucking bonkets speaking of which it's time for another bonkett oh Jesus it's your birthday bonkett so uh I didn't think

nothing of it I go he can't be this fucking eye maybe he's playing with me but Then he says something else to me. He goes, dog, it's still fucking hot in here. And I go, well, then I don't know what to tell you. And he's moving the table. And I'm going, why are you moving the table? He goes, I'm thinking of laying down over here. Didn't you lay down on the couch for a minute?

Yeah. He laid down on the couch. I'm like, oh, no. But again, I'm not tripping. So I'm tired. I go home. Again, I told you, motherfucker's, I go home. I put the TV on.

I drink some water. I come back to check up on him. And now he tells me he's got to show. shirt off, which to me is hysterical. He's got his shirt off, he's got his shoes off, his socks off, he's in the office here, and God knows what he's thinking about.

Were you tripping at that point? Okay, so here's the thing. What do you mean tripping? Were you seeing things? Were you hearing voices? No, I've never, the most I've ever tripped was on one of those times with the blotter, and like my keyboard,

like he started floating away. But I didn't trip like at this time. What you said at the beginning about people with fear, at that point, for me, was fear. Because it's, uh, it's like, I'm not, like, what I kept thinking was like, I'm not supposed to be doing this. Like, I'm a kid who grew up in suburbia. Didn't I tell you you were thinking that?

You told you, you kept telling me that. I wasn't thinking at that, at the point, but then when you left. I'm thinking, fucking, I went to Emerson. I got good friends I had a degree Why am I fucking doing assing with this fat fucking loser Not even that, just acid And then I was actually a little annoyed with you

That you left I was like Right, I remember because nothing was happening for me I'm like and I can't risk taking another one And being up all night And then having mercy at 8 o'clock in the fucking morning Yelling in my face I mean I could take care of anybody But I couldn't risk taking another one

I didn't want to give you another one No but there was nothing for you to do here Like that was a thing there was nothing you were going to do and I realized all this later and I don't know Does acid get you energetic? Is it like an upper?

Oh, it fucking picks everything up Okay, because yeah, I'm always walk around Like a crazy person I'm picking things up I'm putting it down It's really, I start organizing I've organized When he talked to me

And he spoke to me And he told me that he had his shirt off I got a little scared from I stayed up a little while longer Now I call back And by this time, he's telling me this fucking story About that he got an Uber A Mexican gangbanger showed up with a fucking crucifix on the dashboard

Listen to Spanish music It was supposed to be a 2007 What did he show up with? 97. Ninety-seven. Easily. And it was like He was creeping up the road

Like going like probably his foot on the break He had music going And it was just it was the kind of leather where it really wasn't connected to the seat whatever it was anymore it was just kind of loosely there and I just got in and I like I shouldn't have gotten in but as soon like I was like this is not cool man

and then I had already put my address in because I didn't want to talk to anybody I was like okay I'll just put my hand dress in I'll go home but then he's like and then he kept asking me things but he just pretty much man he didn't speak English I mean, I felt racist at the moment, especially with acid, it makes you feel really shitty about bad things in your life. So I felt racist, but I was like,

man, you need to at least be able to speak English, like, a little bit. And like, I just didn't feel comfortable with him knowing where I lived. Like, it was just, I didn't feel, it just, I'm not a very streetwise person, I don't think. Well, that was the acid, then you're also making your ultra-parano. Right, a little bit paranoid. Oh, but I could just imagine when you were at, when you got into the car.

It was like a scene from a fucking movie. Oh, my God. So this happens. He gets in the fucking car and goes back to the train station. Yeah, have him take two lefts and take me back to the train. Then he gets attacked by a fucking hooker with a fur jacket on or something like that. What happened there? Oh, there?

So he let me off of the train, and there was just like a wild pack of like, you know, the Warriors? It was like the black version of the Warriors, but they were just running around and they were trying to find a street. And like half of the group wanted to go one way. half the group wanted to go the other way and then I kept I was just walking up a dirt path and I was going to call another Uber

but I was like first of all I didn't want him to get the call and I also didn't I just didn't feel safe so I was just walking in this like dirt path next to the train and this like in my head was a hooker

she could not have been but in my head she was wearing like a big fur coat had like a big furry like something in front of her like a big furry box or something. It was really weird. Did she say something to you?

No, she, like, I was, I was very nervous that she was going to be like, want to party or whatever hookers say. And I was like, I don't want to talk to anybody right now. And you just walked back to the office. I just walked back to the office. Now, when you got home, what happened now? What time is it? You did the assid here at 7 o'clock, 7.30. Right.

What time was it when you got home? Probably close to 1 o'clock, I think. And what were you feeling at that point? still nervous and real, real, uh, energetic. I was, I was going around my house cleaning, but I would only clean like one thing, like I would clean like one dish and then go clean something in the bedroom. I'll just keep out, bounce around my apartment. And, no voices, no music, no, nothing.

This is just speed catching up, you up. Oh, yeah. I listen to some podcast, I think for a little bit. And I tried to watch TV, but TV's always weird. The face is always, that's where I hallucinate with TV. It's weird. The faces kind of get jumbled up. And it always seems brighter.

The contrast seems off. And when you're seeing this, what are you thinking about all this? It just, it just, with TV, it reminds me that I'm fucked up. I'm like, oh, shit, I'm fucked up. Because when I'm nervous, I just try to convince myself I'm not that fucked up. I'm like, you'll be okay. You're not that fucked up. You're okay.

you're okay it's getting better it's getting better now what time did you leave the house okay well it was it got better around like three between like three and four because here's okay just to be completely honest I tried to to rub one out for like an hour and a half

like it just wouldn't have that nothing completely nothing you're hard to beating yeah because I was trying to sweat and it's a horror show I was trying to go to bed and when I couldn't go to bed I was like fuck all stab and clean and I started I started to get less nervous. I think it calmed me

down. Like it just got my brain off of it for a while. And I started having like really cool thoughts. I don't know. It was just like I just started like, and I even said at one point I was like this is why you do it. Because it's I always ask you like

at the end of the podcast when at like one more 17 bong hits in and a thousand milligrams. I'm like, why are you still doing this? And like that's why I like in my head I'm like Maddie you threw up the night. I'm like, this motherfucker, give me ass. It'll left me alone. And now I'm freaking out. And I'm not sleeping. And then I was like, oh, because you have these cool, like when you, when you, when you actually stop freaking out, you can have some really interesting conversations with yourself.

And that's why I'm not really, and I've said it before, music for me, I think, would have taken me out of it. I like silence, especially with that sort of stuff. So I was just walking. around cleaning and I would just think about certain things and and I for anyone watching live I decided to shave my beer at like seven in the morning and I shaved my head again but at like six o'clock is when I decided to leave I was trying I was trying to go to bed again and I couldn't sleep and I was like I need to go to some things so might as well just go to the store 24 hours and it was It was great.

I had so much fun. Like, it was at a point where I could totally handle it. And you're up all night. Not a wink of sleep. And you felt great. Felt really energized. So what it was, it was a hit you with a low dose, you know, because you did feel weird and you did stay up and you did have dead dick. Right, yeah.

It was just a low dose and a hallucinogenic. Or you would just, next time we do it, we just take one big drop and run with it and stay here for a while and see how it. fields. I'm sorry I left you. I just thought, no, no, no, and I don't listen. I've been left. Part of me when we spoke to next morning and you said to me, you had a good time. I was going somewhere. Oh, I had mercy. But for the rest of the day, I thought about our conversation that A, you weren't mad and B, you looked at it from a perspective from somewhere else. You started telling me that next time you wish you had a notebook. I hadn't said nothing to you about it. And then you said to me, Now I know why you do this.

It's been weird. The last time I did it was with you and Ari. And then before that, God knows when I did it before, oh, I did it with Ari for Pink Floyd. And that was garbage. It was okay, but it was, it was, it was three hours. Did I appreciate? Yeah.

We did it in the office one night, you and I, without Ari, because we did it twice. Yeah. That night, too. I was high until 2.30, and by 3.30 I was in bed. I appreciated that. You know, first off, I'm a bigger guy. Number two, my tolerance is off the fucking chains.

It's even off the chains for the oxycotts they gave me at the hospital. I had it called Talking Land, go Talking Land. This ain't doing nothing to me. Nothing. He goes, chew him, whatever, nothing. Then one night I woke up twice with my fucking wrist hurting. I had 75 milligrams of that shit in me. So there's a lot of shit that don't do nothing to me

And so don't take it bad It just doesn't It's been years I don't know I have no acid tolerance I'm gonna say something now And I'm gonna get it out of the way With a lot of people okay

I get busted My balls get busted all the time Because people send me What am I gonna do DMT Number one look at my fucking face Do I look like I need DMT And number two I'm too old

Number three Let me tell you why I didn't believe In DMT and none of the properties Just to break myself down so people don't think I'm a fucking asshole. A couple weeks ago I was watching that black mask with Rusty Bulger. And there's one scene, whatever's name is, Whitey Bulger. And there's one scene where the guy is selling Whitey Bulger to the feds.

And they say that he's a psychopath, not to mention that he did experimentation with acid. And the cop goes, yeah, five or six times. And the other cop goes, how about 50 times? And they all looked at each other like he was Charles. like he was Charles fucking Manson. If I tell you something, I'm going to tell you guys a reaping discovery, okay?

I didn't get into acid until the summer of my sophomore year. Like, June or 78, after I hit the member, I used to run with this guy Lefty, and one night he gave me a hit a microdye. And that shit had me going for fucking 18 hours late.

First couple times you did that shit, that rap poison that's in it, that shit keeps you up for fucking days. But since, year in training from the stars, thank to me, that I'm a good nutrition, T-H-C, whatever, and I watch your fucking coach, you didn't freak out. Number one, you weren't scared. Well, I was in the beginning. Which helped. But let me tell you guys what happened. So that's summer of 70 fucking eight. I get into micrododot acid, blotter acid. We didn't know what we were getting until Saturday.

Everybody always had microdod acid, but we were getting it. We'd get other shit whatever the people were going to make. Whether it was microdod or four-way acid, our town was flooded with it. There was like three of different neighborhoods that sold that shit, North Bergen. You know, I got hooked on it until one day I started selling it. I started going to East Stroudsbury, and I told the story a thousand of times, and I became a business guy with this shit, and it's so weird that I started eating it since I was never a drink. banker guys my excuse for not drinking like you can't fucking drink and do ass it like I didn't

like it at all because I like the acid high so much with the marijuana but that oh no because I was going to talk about that I didn't I messed up you kept asking me if I had weeded the house I didn't think about it I actually had some stars and some capsules so I took it around like three or two or three I think I think that may be what it called me down Yeah, that takes a little edge off, absolutely, which is smart. That's the way I've always given it to it. Every time we've had the mushrooms, it's with the chocolate with the fucking edible. Remember the edible, the mushroom chocolate, edible we had?

It was chocolate with edibles in it wrapped around a mushroom, and it's always a little better than you said to me next time I'll do it without the fucking edible. I'll just do it with the mushroom, and then I brought the mushrooms into the studio. So my point being that it was really weird when my mom did. died and I would go home at night. I can't lie to you guys. I did acid maybe five nights a week for fucking eight or nine months. And then there was like another year where I did it maybe three nights a week because I had eaten it so much. I built such a fucking tolerance by the age of 16. I eaten that microdoll. I would eat three of them when you would eat one of them. Oh my gosh.

That's crazy. But one thing I got to be honest with you, Lee, that you were honest with me about that You know what, man, every time I got high on that shit, I took something positive of it. I always, I took something positive from it. If there was something that was bothering me deep down inside or something that had me all jammed up, I dedicate that hit of acid to that thought. And I'd break it, I go home, I couldn't wait to be alone. Because you can't go there with other people in the room. With other people in the room, it takes the acid somewhere else.

You start talking about look at the car, look at the lights, look at the steam from the fucking car, you know, look at the... But if you're in somebody's house, you're watching a movie, you're freaking out other people's faces. It's when you get home in your surrounding environments that that acid goes to work. See, when you do DMT, you're high for eight, nine minutes, and then there's like a fucking three or four hour after whatever. But the original warmth and the original patois is a 10-minute tops type of thing. with the acid it comes and goes and you have more time to spend

with that warmth I don't know it's so tough to to make people understand that when I first heard with DMT was I got it I'm not putting it down from that perspective

I'm just putting from a perspective that there's not much you can get from it I'll give you hit of acid where you trip for 12 hours like when those guys go down to Peru and they eat that shit

and they see the devil and shit, it's an eight, 12-hour thing because then it really breaks you down. If you came to me tomorrow and said, you know what, Joey, I love doing the podcast that you're doing, I love eating fucking cake and donuts that Becky brings,

but, you know, it's bothering me like that. I'm going to go to law school. I love Paula. I'm Jewish. What the fuck am I doing the podcast business? Let me become an attorney and I become a podcast attorney. You come to me one day and go, let me get the rest of that acid.

And you probably eat it by yourself and rent the hotel room in North Hollywood, one of those fucking shitty old turrooms, take two joints with you, order a pizza, and just sit there for eight hours, and just think it over. That's what I used to do at that age, guys. I didn't take no ADD pill or adderals or no. I didn't take none of that stuff. I took micro dot fucking acid to make me focus. on whatever I was going through.

So I wouldn't. Like, you know, for a year, I took ass at that age, just trying to figure out why God would take somebody's mother. Do you know how deep of a thought that is? No. But did it freak you out, or did you, were you able to just talk yourself through it? It's an hour of crying. It's an hour of laughing.

It's an hour of hope that you give yourself in that eight-hour tripping. Remember, you take it. at 8 o'clock at night. You start tripping at 9.30. Okay. You're with your friends till 12. You walk home by the time you walk home, it's a quarter to one. You go in your house, you're pissed, you drink some water. You already smoked outside. Now when you sit down in the dark, you can actually feel it creeping on you. Once you're by yourself and there's no energy's in the room to take that energy away from you, you'll feel that acid creep on you. And if you're dark, all of a sudden, once that acid taps into your breathing, once you start, once you start, you start, you

start seeing the bottom of your eyes, you're hallucinating. Your eyes are wide open, right? It's catching fucking stimulation from everywhere. Now, once the bottom of your eye sees your stomach breathing heavy, that's when that fucking party starts. That's when that fucking party starts late. And now you have to start breathing easier. You have to break out a joint.

Maybe, uh, yeah, maybe either star and just sit and relax. And maybe get a piece of paper and pencil and close your eyes and lay the, don't try to go to sleep, but don't try to do more. I get sitting down, but I do my best thinking even now, and I'm like, I'll walk and pace around my apartment like a crazy person. So I would try to sit down that night. And look at me, I never, I never have a problem laying down. I was up the whole night, taking showers, cleaning.

I don't know. It's fun. I liked it. Yeah, me too. There was a period where I took acid just for that. Towards the end, I like taking acid outside. I can't tell you how many nights I went out when I was 16 and 17 and took hits of microdart and tripped our balls off walking the streets in alleys and the back ends of North Bergen.

In between, oh, my God, I can't fucking tell you how many nights just walking uphill on acid. Your heart's pumping up a street. storm you're fucking stopping to get air and you trip and you all stand there for seven minutes then you don't look at each other and go do you see that yeah come on let's go when you walk 10 more minutes and then you'd cease and then somebody would have to stop to breathe it was just I'm happy that you looked at it from that experience I was happy that you weren't mad at me which I know you were for leaving you alone but in the back of my mind I left you alone so you could see what the fuck it really was by the time I called you the next morning I wasn't man

And I was happy that you weren't fearful. It's so many people who have to go home and look it up on the website now. Nothing pisses me to fuck off when I give somebody to somebody, when I give you a present, like a TNC present or something, and people got to give me some bullshit story. I think that's to go home and look it up online or something. I wouldn't give it to you to poison you. I give it to you because I love you.

I give it to you because I want you to get to see the fucking devil. You would give it to someone to poison them. Oh, I would never give something money. I would never be in business to poison somebody. But that shit always fucking pisses me off. It always pisses me off when people call me and say, Hey, man, I'm thinking of doing mushrooms with my friends. How many do you think I should eat?

You know, I went online. What are you fucking talking about? This friend, how long have you been friends of them since grammar school? There's no trust. He tells you to eat three stems. Eat fucking three stems. first off if you freak out you were friends

I would tell Lee Lee listen this the first time I did mushrooms so let's just do them tonight here and don't tell nobody and it's just me and you and then I would do them and I call you a week later and go all right you sure I won't feel creepy if I do this

and you'll go no and we'll go down to a bar and do the fucking mushrooms or the acid do you follow me I would milk you through it slowly I would never the first time you did acid die on night would I take you and take it to the comedy stuff right you would have a nervous breakdown oh yeah on sunset you would have a fucking nervous breakdown that would not have fun let me give some shoutouts right here my main man j ramma putting the pieces together

always emailing me telling me let me know he's doing better and better rob keys my man holding down in chicago bob lalingis jordan hutchinson john cutler chris o'hara hartst Depp, my family down in motherfucking Austin, waiting for us. Lee's coming down, 10 pounds slimmer. He wants to come down 10 pounds lighter, and he wants to leave 20 pounds heavy. Yeah, yeah, that's a good plan.

So, fuck it. We're going down to Austin soon. We'll be in fucking Denver. We'll be in motherfucking Oklahoma at the Cherokee Nation's casino. Stop it. World Tour that starts in Oklahoma. Who else starts their fucking tour in Oklahoma? You know anybody else?

Who has that type of fucking... Not even Trump opened up his American tour in fucking Oklahoma. And I'm flying... Are you fucking kidding me or what? Then we go to Denver. Then we go on the oddball fest. West Palm, bam.

Mother fucking Tampa. Bam. Mother fucking Atlanta. Bam. Motherfucking Indianapolis. Bam. And then back home. Then I'm off for a few weeks.

Then the next week, it's me and my fucking main... Jewish Gumbah taking it live to Austin, Texas Lisa yet. I can't wait. It's going to be so much fun. It's going to be so much fun. I don't make it. But I have the question that everyone wants

to know. What is it? Were you considered for Trump's VP? Stop all the Merex. The fucking questions. Trump's VP. I don't even know who he picked. Mike Pence. He's the governor. Again, I don't know who the fuck he picked. I'm sorry about the bottle

people. Again, I don't know where the fuck he picked. big. No, do I care. LeSyanne. So that's it? This is your fucking 28th birthday? Yeah, it's been great. We have donuts. I mean, it's to be honest, it's getting a little scary. It's getting real close to 30,

which I know a lot of people make things. I'm still a baby, but that's like real adult to me. I got good news for you and I have bad news for you. Okay. You became an adult when you were 16. Okay. You became a fucking adult when you were 16.

You were working at a movie theater. You were driving a car that your parents gave you, but you had to pay for it. I know you did. Some fucking car. What type of car was? 97 Chevy Cavalier. Stop it. A Cavalier.

Rally Sport Edition. Let me tell you something. I used to have this teacher, the camel. And he used to have a fucking car that was a cavalier. So when you called to place the bet, that was his code name, the Grey Cavalier. stop who the fuck you think you're dealing with this shit so you become a fucking adult you know what happened to me when i was 28 let me tell you what happened to me when i was 28 what happened to i got into comedy and i got divorced that's crazy that is crazy and everything i thought

where my life was going changed completely. Within six months, I went from having a family to having nothing and no job. And the only thing at that point in my life was because if we consider my whole 28th year, I got into comedy in June of 91. That's when I was 28. Okay. And I got separated in October of 91. So two of the biggest achievements, you know,

two of the most fucked up things in my life that happened, happened to me when I was 28. You know, it's not about age, man. I'm 53. I'm sitting next door 28-year-old doing a fucking podcast. It's not about. age at all and if you grab every time I thought about fucking AIDS I would end up snorting two fucking eight balls because I thought too the clock was running out

yeah guess what the clock runs out when you decide it runs out you know that's the truth the clock runs out who knows it's gonna happen I wish you're all the luck in the world Paul is moving in your you know you know you know you when you're 28 29 30 you have to be scared if you're not scared there's got to be something wrong with you like no you know you know unless you have a ceiling over you and you're getting a guarantee fucking check every week should you you know we live off every month we don't know what's going to happen Lee every month there's a zero here on the first until the smoke clears we don't know nothing right and I don't mind that that doesn't we don't

know nothing so it's kind of weird how Let me tell you, Sam, at 28, you had a lot more going for you than I did. So let's just start there. I mean, complete two worlds. You had a degree. You have a family. You have a girlfriend that loves you. You have a little money put away.

You have your own apartment. At 28, once she left, oh, my God. I was completely lost. I didn't know what to do. I was barely hanging on. I went from having a little money in the bank to having nothing to my world shattering. But I kept it together with comedy little by little. Those are my little fucking band-a-lates, you know?

That's pretty much my nightmare. I don't know how people like, that was something that freaked me out on the ass. There was this dude, like this young dude who was, like, just drunk and, like, really sick outside of the CVS. And I was like, God, that could have been. like why is he why is he like you want to bung him rather birthday bonk him

before the show was over sure why not what'd be sure what's the problem there's no problem let's do a birthday bonk people turn it in it's a late night you know what I'm saying

it's your 28th birthday I wish nothing but luck some people blow smoke up your ass and they bring you some shit I bring you the best reefer in town and a fucking And a good fucking thought. That's how we celebrate the fucking birthday.

Thank you, man. Over here at the church of what's happening now. And what better way? The Indians, what? They cut the skin off their finger and you merge fingers. You were blood brothers. I faint. In my world, we can't make that happen.

But the only thing we can both do is a bomb hit of fucking death here. And here you go. We'll pack a light one for you. Teet, de, de, de, de, te. Come over here with Uncle Joey. You're not going first? No, no, I did it already. I did like two of them over here like a fucking orphan.

And you're sitting there on your birthday. You have the bong of the week and fucking Instagram. Nobody fucking... What are you going to do? You're going to sit there like a month to do? Hurry up. The clock is ticking. We've got to get out of here.

Where are you going with the keyboard? Leave the keyboard. All right. You got to control the cameras? Yeah. All right, take your time, but hurry up. Come on. Let's do this cuck, cuck.

Look at you. the birthday boy. What are you doing tomorrow night for your birthday? Tomorrow night, Paula's coming over. She actually, I don't have no idea how this sounds, but Just put the fucking thing out of here. We're going on the food

trucks, and we're just going to hang out. All right, here we're just going to hang out. All right, here you're killing me. Come up, leave the chair. Let's go, let's do this. What the fuck, I was singing for you, but we already did it early. Grab the bomb. I don't know if you said. Shoot that motherfucker.

Go suck and suck it. Suck it. Cocksucker. Suck it. Cuck it. Cocksucker. Pops that lid. Buh. Why is it so funny? Happy birthday, cocksucker. I always somebody gave me a bong like that when I was 20.

Nobody gave me dick and shit. suckers. And that's it. This Thursday night, I'm over here at Flapton tomorrow night. It's no expectations store the first night. I'm even going to bring a notebook up on stage. I've never done that before.

But I want to make sure I run the hour just to see what the fuck it sounds like. You people might take the ride. You might not take the fucking ride. What are you going to do? We all fucking do okay. We look at each other and we shake hands. Leo B there as the Captain Kirk of the Enterprise

running the DJ board and shit. doing bong it's like a motherfucker happy birthday buddy thank you man you didn't finish this bomb what's going on here what is this you can't be a man I'm a good birthday boy share my gifts no I gotta blow it out over here because

it's not now I gotta finish this thing look like you left a bunch of weed in here you lucky I love you and this was fucking at different times and have you stabbed a little hard What you think of that at least I am?

Who the fuck you think you're dealing with? Fucky cock sucker. Happy birthday dog. I'm happy, and that's it. That's all I got to fucking tell you. We got to get the fuck out of here. We got to go do spots and shit to do.

And people to see, the acid was interesting because of your reaction, because you said you wanted to do it again. And this time you would have a fucking notebook. And I was blown the fuck away because everybody's so fucking scared today of doing anything. People tell me after fucking, when I get back with it, they'll go, why did you, why did you bring that back? Aren't you scared? No. No. People are not going to give you fucking poison.

I know they're looking on people's eyes when they give you fucking poison, dog, okay? I know the reaction. I know how people sometimes act creepy. I'll fucking throw this shit away. But if somebody comes to me and they ask me how Lee is doing or this is going to put a, this is going to make Lee lose his fucking mind. I'll come over here and do it. Do you know how many fucking different places? I bought drugs in the last 30 years.

Two or three? Huh? Just two or three? You know, it's just a fear that, I don't know if it's your, and I'm not insulting you. I don't know if it's your generation gap, because my wife is the same way. My wife and I had a discussion the other day in the living room

about four in the morning I got up and she came outside and we were talking about how the fucking one. I said something, can you imagine? Do you remember that night you drove me to the Martel cartel to get cold? and you didn't really know, but you know, I four in the morning, I left you in the car, and I was in there for 15 minutes.

And she goes, I remember sitting out there thinking, I should just leave this guy now, go home, pack my bags, and leave. But she goes, I didn't know how it was going to play out. I got, look how it did play out. You ended up with a beautiful child. We ended up married. We're happy, you know.

So at this point, somewhere you have to believe that there is some type of god out there because i'll never forget that night her waiting outside and i've never done that to anybody like i've never ever made somebody drive me like that over there i've usually been the one that's driven or were both that fucking high she was just i was walking out the door to fucking walk there and she was pulling up She usually pulled in the fucking back by the garage. And it was like fucking three in the morning. And she goes, where are you going to go?

And I got to stop by Dantes. And she goes, okay, I'll give you a ride. And I never forget how bad I felt. But life goes on. See, you never know where your fucking relationship is going to go. That's it. I don't even know why the fuck I told you that, at least I had. Just don't be scared.

Somebody offers you something. If you love them to debt, that you've known them for 15 fucking years, They're going to do something, give you something fucking bad. But, you know, these fucking humps out here don't take nothing from nobody. So fuck them. What is your problem, Lee? Thousand milligrams.

That's how deep you went tonight, at. Yes, sir. When deep training, look at me. I'm in deep training. Lisa, my eyeballs are bleeding. Mine too. That's when you know you're fucked up. Where are you headed tonight?

You're not going to a strip club. You're not going to get your balls like the hand job on a Chinese place. Nothing. Tonight I'm going home to bed. a gentleman no but it's um i were what i would tell people is honestly take do it twice

because like if you can do what i did and like come because people are going to be scared man it's it's it's they they keep hammering into us how bad drugs are and that's all we ever hear is don't do drugs don't do drugs and it's acid and i it's

it tastes weird nobody fucking when you came to California Lee, you never thought that you would be doing a fucking hit of acid at your job. Never. But let me explain something to you, Lee. Sometimes you think when I woke up one day, I aspired to take a hit of acid or I aspired to do heroin. I aspired to do blow.

No, I never aspired. You think when I was at fucking five-star basketball camp playing with basketball players, I'm thinking about going home and doing blow? It was the farthest thing from my fucking mind. but at some point my life there was a weakness and the opportunity fucking present itself where I came from you go yeah let me take that hit of mescaline

and I've taken next week by myself no you're here right now take the fucking thing right now somebody gave you a quailu either you said yes or no that time I went to Gunter's house and I did the line of heroin let me tell you something when I walked in there that was the farthest thing from my imagination least I had was to do that line of heroin I swear to fucking

God. So why'd you do it? Because really at that point in my life, who gave a fuck? Terrible, though. At that point, I was so far fucking gone, and I wanted to be gone. That's the truth. That I just did it. It was a little line. I knew it wasn't going to kill me. I knew that from hearing stories that I wasn't going to do a line like you do a cocaine line. This was a very, very tiny white line. And I even took some off for just to double, just to

do a taste, just to make sure that I did the other little centimeter of dust. And that was it. I just wanted to fucking not be scared of it, I think. I don't know. It's not like I went and got high the next fucking day. You follow me? You know what? I'm

a... I tend to like this stuff. I have an addictive personality, so I'm glad I'm scared of that stuff. Like, I'm only even seen cocaine like once and like it was just for like a second I'm worried like if I did that I'd be doing it like no no no it's not doesn't fit you because you it just doesn't fit you I would never want that shit around you you know I bust your balls and tell you about harrow and I would never bring heroin around you oh I know I would never bring nothing around

your number one that I would never do I would never bring meth in here we never been blowing here and wouldn't bring nothing like that in this studio The worst thing I'm bringing here is like a 2,000 milligram star. Which worst case scenario, we go to the hospital. Like, whatever that goes, they give you some tranquilizers, and you spend the night and then you sleep tonight. Then Obamacare takes care of the rest, you know what I'm saying? You put it on to your arm with Obamacare.

What do you want me to pay a month? Fuck it. Sometimes you eat an edible, and you need a fucking night in a hotel room, you know what I'm saying, in the hospital room. Right or wrong? That's the worst thing that's going to happen to you. We don't drink in here, really. I love to get a few bottles of booze in here

but I know they're just sitting here They were just sitting here I'm not going to drink at this It gives me fucking auditing It gives me fucking desires that I don't need to understand You follow me? Give me the fucking scripts And let's get the fuck out of here

Lisa, yeah It's been a great week Motherfuckers That's it The shit's cracking It's July, what is it, 20th already? Jesus Christ That's it

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I traveled each and every highway And more Much more than this I did it my Regrets, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention. I did what I had to do, saw it through without exemption. I planned each chartered course, each careful step. along the byway and more much more than this i did it my i'm sure you might fit all i could chew

but through it when there was dark i've laughed and cried i've had my fill my share of losing my share of losing And now as tears subside, I find it all so amusing to think, I did all that and may I say, not in a shy way, oh, not new. I did it, maw it was my. Oh.