#417 - Sebastian Maniscalco
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00:48 That's it. Oh, shit. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Coxuck is the Church of What's Happened now. Wednesday, September 28th. Lee Syatt, my little brother, Sebastian, Manus, Calco.
01:17 And your Uncle Joey, talk suckers. Oh, yeah. You kidding me or fucking what? Give me those pills. I don't give a fuck. Give me the gas mask. Sebastian caught that one late.
01:53 That was a delayed reaction. Thank God you don't smoke pot. What's going on, my brother? Lysai, what's going on, buddy? What's up? Nothing. That's nice to hear that song. I did a,
02:05 I screamed social when I was growing up in fifth grade. I did a Michael Jackson dance routine with the whole thing. The hat, the glove come out to that in the middle of the gymnasium and did a full routine. People go fucking nuts. At that time, it was what, 1982, I think it was. And then right after me, it was a bunch of break dancers with parachute pants and the whole deal with the zippers. And that's, that's, uh, and I did it at the time. the goddamn comedy jam.
02:37 Did you do that show yet? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What song did you do? Killing in the name of love. Killing in the name of whatever by fucking, whatever that fucking... Was that the first time you've ever sang with a band behind you? Or have you done that in the past? When I was a kid.
02:53 Oh, yeah? When I was a kid. When I was in the sixth grade, I was in the band and we just did, we didn't lip sync. I could sing and they could play the instruments, maybe. but we used to just keep the music on. So we would do like a band thing and just play the Beatles help. And they were beyond, but we'd be playing.
03:14 And I'd be fucking singing. And then eventually we cut the instruments, we got rid of the bass player. And that was the end of that. We liked the fucking police, but we had nowhere to go. Nobody was the bookers. We were like, Rocky.
03:25 We had no manager. You know what I'm saying? We had no fucking... In fact, one of the drummer calls into the show. Oh, yeah? I still talked to. on Ray Canella.
03:34 And the bass player that we threw out, his family took me in four years later when my mother died. Ironic? Wow. You never know how this life's on the fucking turn out. I'm telling you, man. We had to vote him out of the band and shit. For what?
03:47 Because he was doing something wrong. He invited ugly chicks. Like, that was just, he did like eight fucking violations of the band code. You know what I'm saying? He did all of them, you know. We didn't get high that. Nobody got high. It was the six fucking
04:01 brave guys. But he did some. And like, I forget what... He was bad, and he brought ugly chicks over. Like, he had groupies and all his life. He's still on Facebook with ugly chicks. Oh, God. I still follow him, and he shows up with chicks.
04:16 There you go, why? Why do you do this to yourself? He loves him. He loves him. He's a good-looking dude. It's crazy. I've had no idea there was eight rolls to the band code. Yeah, we had a fucking band code. Even though in the sixth grade, you had to dress a certain way,
04:29 you had to walk a certain way. How do you think Frankie Valley got to the top fucking around? gotta wear the same fucking teeth. Have you seen those kids from Chicago that do the Frankie Valley thing? No, no. Not bad, dog. Not bad.
04:42 They showed up at a, I was doing TV, you know, radio in the morning. I had to do the TV spot, and they were there too. And I sat and watched them do Frankie Valley. They were fucking great. Oh, yeah? And then that night they came to the show. I left them ticket and they showed up to the show. I had them singing at the fucking show.
04:57 Look, on Chinette. I had them going. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I was just in Chicago. I used to do Joy and Mary's Irish Italian comedy wedding. Used to be a dinner theater thing. You ever have that, Tony and Tina? It was like that was the popular one.
05:16 I did the offshoot. Now, where was that? That was, we did banquet halls. But not the one by the I.O. Not the one in an improv building. No, no, no, no. Those are my friends, you know. What, Tony and Tina?
05:30 I did a movie with them. and when I go to Chicago, we go out to eat, the Uncle Frank owns a restaurant and fucking North hole in the wall. Monday nights, you know, what's his name, we're going there to eat? Not bad, I went in there twice, nice people. They have an office in that building,
05:47 and that's what they do. You want me to say it something, Sebastian? When I left Seattle, before I left Seattle, they were courting me to be sunny in Tina and Tony's wedding. You had to see these fucking guys. They would come down every night to the county show.
06:00 So when are you going to come up and do it? I brought up to my girlfriend up to the eat dinner, that fucking bland pasta they give you, and those hard rolls and shit, and people sing them while you're eating. I was like, I can't do that to people. I can't do it to people. I don't want people doing it to me and shit. How long did you do it for? A year, you know, the whole thing.
06:19 Hey, I was Gino Capolini, the best man to Joey. And, yeah, I was in character, the whole thing. My family would come down. Hey, he don't. It was an Irish thing, though, too. The Irish side was the bride and her brother and Irish priest, so it was Italian and Irish coming together. Very nice.
06:41 Yeah, it was a big... Was it like scripted or was it like improv? It was a loose script, but all improv. You know, you would go up to people, they would come and then go, I haven't seen you in a while. Where you been? And then, you know, you would do it. And they would go, hey, you know, I was...
06:55 And we would make people characters and... I'd get in a fight with a guy verbally. What are you looking at my wife for? You know, it was like, looking back at it, it was kind of dumb, but, you know, it was an acting. It worked. It worked. It worked. Do you think it'd be hard to do stand-up going into it with no drama, no acting, no anything background at all?
07:20 No, everybody does it like that. Well, no, but not kind of, but like you, Joey, are just kind of like you always act on the street and did that. And you added it in prison and stuff like that. And then now with this, with the show, it seems like a lot of the people do have some sort of background in it. It's informal background. Right, absolutely. Like, very informal. Like, I would sing in the sixth grade at the end.
07:44 I was talking about it at the end day, I would sing. Did that get me ready for stand-up? I have no fucking idea, you know. But it eliminated the fear of going up in front of people because there were girls. You got to sing up in front of it. And I go up there and fucking see. sing my eyes adorget, you know, walk around my button opening the shirt like I was Gino Mussolini and I couldn't fuck it.
08:05 And then, I don't know, I played the, I sang in a band. I never went to acting class. You before you moved to L.A.? Did you really? I went out here. I've been to acting class. But you never went when you lived in Chicago. No, but I think it was better then because I went into the audition,
08:23 no acting experience, nothing. I saw it in the newspaper. I went down. I did it. The guy's like, you got the job. Because I didn't know any better. You just go in and you don't think about it,
08:37 opposed to maybe when you take a class, you're a little bit more in your head. I don't know. I always thought the organic, natural way is just the way to go. No, I agree with you. It's really weird. I have a thing for that. You get smart.
08:50 That's what it's called. You get smart. You get smart. You think you know you don't know dick. And if you just go in there and keep it simple, When you don't know nothing. I don't know nothing. Can you sing?
08:59 I don't know nothing. You know, can you? You know, he's all I came to do. Whatever the fuck. Yeah. That's the best. I agree with you. I had somebody tell me once to get out of acting class.
09:09 Like a big-time actor said, get out of acting class. And I quit the next week. He goes, get out because they're going to ruin your natural patois with that bullshit. There's an argument either way. Yeah. No, there's a... I didn't want to stay in it anymore.
09:25 I couldn't stay in it. Like most people do year-round. You do it year-round? No, I was doing it recently for a sitcom I did. I went to my acting coach, and it helped me. Absolutely. No, no, no, no. Going always.
09:39 Listen, if I make you come in on Tuesdays, okay? Every Tuesday at 10 o'clock, and one week you and Lee, one week you and fucking Mortisha Adams, one week you in wheels, do a scene from a fucking movie in front of 16 people who've never acted before in their life. They're scared shitlet.
09:56 waiting to go to that fucking intermediate level before they could go out in an audition because I was involved with that. We don't want you to go on no auditions. I remember coming in when they're going, dog, I booked four episodes on a fucking sitcom. Meanwhile, you don't want me to go on fucking auditions. What are you crazy?
10:10 You know, you're making this too hard than what it is. I say it a thousand times. If you could fog up the bottom of a glass, you could act. All right? Don't take no fucking genius. Hey, dog, these fucking rappers.
10:24 They go like this. Look. Like that they switch. There's a couple that need to work along the way, but they got it. Have you seen some people that just fucking can act and their comics? They just can't fucking act. They just can't materialize it. You look at it and go, holy fuck, we do that shit every night at the comedy store.
10:42 That's what we're doing on stage and just a bigger way, you know? Yeah. But what are you going to do? What a... So when you do what you're doing, one-on-one, that's fucking tremendous. One-on-one. One-on-one is tremendous. You know, and they go over the scene with you and tell you what the motivation of the scene is
11:00 and to give the character a full fucking name and give them a background. All that stuff is fine. I don't know. I do it still today. Yeah. I get an audition. I fucking print up the sides. And whatever, I start writing the day of the audition, who the casting director is, the director.
11:14 I look up on IMDB with the director. I see what else he directed. Maybe it's a style of me, whatever. And then I write the fucking scenes. What I have to do in every scene? I don't write every line. It's me saying, fuck you or something. else. So I'll just put whatever the three scenes is. I give the character a background and
11:30 then that's it. I make it look like I really worked on it. I take the script and fucking crinkle it up and then go in there like, man, I've been up for a four fucking dead. What's that outline for? Is that for them? No, for me. That's just for you to... So I have this fucking... So I can go in the shower and make believe. But it's really weird. When I have an audition, it all starts in the shower. Like, I read the sign to read. Once I know the lines, Then I go to the audition at 11.30, I jump in the shower at 10.
12:00 Even though I took a shower at 8. I take another shower at 10 and I go in the shower as that dude. And I come out as that dude. I get dressed as that dude for the part. And I comb my hair like I think that dude with his, which is my head dude because I never changed the head. I got one hair doing right since day one. This is it. There ain't no fucking differences in my head dude.
12:20 I was going to say, I don't think we're going to see a different hair. No, it's one hair dude. Sometimes I comb it to the side. Sometimes, like for Spider-Man, too, I put a Yankee hat on. It's a guy in a fucking train. He's got a Yankee hat on. He's a moot with a Yankee hat on. You know, I go into the car as that guy.
12:35 I drive to the audition as that guy. The whole time I'm driving in the audition, I'm saying the lines in my head thinking about this guy. You know, if I do the scene before I leave, you follow me? Because a lot of times you don't walk in the room, you turn the light on. There's a thousand things you do when you walk in the room.
12:52 So I just want to give it a little realness, so they go, okay, this motherfucker, fucking rehearsed. He did something. Yeah. I didn't do dick. I smoked the joint and fucking did it. I read the scenes one time. I read them again. Then I smoke a joint and I don't touch it for like an hour. Then I come back and attack and I make my notes.
13:07 I yell out. I put the fucking dots where they belong. My little notes where I'm really trying to say. I go in there prepared. I try them, you know. It was interesting. I got to go, oh, sorry. I got to go see you like do an audition the other day.
13:23 Do an audition on tape. Oh, the voice. Yeah, the voiceover. And it was like, I used to do that for you when we first started working together with video. But you were funny. So the camera always like would shake. So I think you stopped calling me. But like I was there.
13:39 And it was cool because like the first time you did it was good. But like it's like the each time you do it, it would get like a little bit different, a little bit. And have like get a little bit clearer. More heart. Yeah. More clearer. See more like acting less like reading. And then I started making notes.
13:53 Right. Yeah. And I started making notes who he was talking to, how you would talk to that person. So, yeah. Listen, man, they give you a shot. I don't, at this point, we've been here so long. It don't fucking matter. You do the thing.
14:03 You go down there. You walk out. There was a time when I'd sit there for a week, man. Oh, yeah. They got to call me at one in the morning. In the beginning, you're like, yeah, that's, you know, call your agent anything on that yet. Did we get any feedback? No, nothing.
14:20 So, you would just, everything would hang on that one thing. But like you said now, 18 years. If you get in the car, you start the car. That's it. You go on. Lunch. You're like, what are you going to do? What am I going to do?
14:31 I love it. I love it when sometimes they call you for an audition, but there's a good pizza place close to the fucking audition. And he's got your morning plan done. That's it. Years ago was fucking Venice. When I first moved here, Venice was the hotspot because they had that pizza on a bagel crust. Yeah.
14:48 So every time you got a call to go down there, you were fucking, it did me a favor. Have either of you guys ever had, like, a disaster? Like, you have, like, that favorite place, but you go before the audition and get, like, pizza sauce on your shirt or, like, or anything like crazy like that at an audition? I don't eat. I don't eat before I do any audition or before I do any stand-up comedy. There's no eating involved. Just because of that reason.
15:12 And number two, I don't want anything coming up on me during the performance. I mean, I don't eat lunch and then go to a one o'clock audition. Do you follow me? But I eat breakfast if I have an 11 o'clock audition. Yeah, yeah. breakfast. That's why I take the second shower. The second shower is very critical for you.
15:28 Critical. That puts me in the shower. I'm bathing like the guy. I'm doing everything like the guy. How the guy would do it, at least in my head, you know what I'm saying? Maybe he washes his toes.
15:38 I'll do that. I get out my hands and knees and scrub my toes with the toenail fucking thing. I'll do something different that that guy would do that I don't do. You got a toenail thing in the shower? Well, it's whatever. You're like that with your fingernails?
15:51 You know what I think you clean your fingernails? That's in the shower. Where else would you put it? I don't use one, but I don't know if it would be in the shower. Sure, it would. Next to the rock, that you chiselsing the fucking heel with? But see, we don't have to use that rock no more. My wife bought me the sander.
16:07 Oh, what the stick? No, no. This is a little handle. And you fucking sand the bottom of your feet. You take a nice shower. Oh, tremendous. This is an electronic or battery operated? Battery operating.
16:20 You get the electronic. Out of the shower. No, you have to let your feet fucking dry, Sebastian. And then you dry them off, nice, you put them up. You watch two episodes of Narco. Make sure a fan's hitting your feet. And all of a sudden they start getting dry, like, ready to crack. And you take that fucking buffer.
16:36 And you start buffing the bottom of your feet, smoke comes out. I can't wait. Where does the skin go? On the floor. You put a little piece of paper. It's not skin. It comes down like dust. It's like toe dust and shit.
16:50 You pile it into a little pile, and it's like skin. with like dirt mixed up. Oh, God. The skin gets in your feet anyway. Even if you fucking wash your feet eight times a day like I do, skin grows over that dirt real fast. I get it.
17:05 I'm just concerned about the dust. Let me tell you what happened yesterday. Falling into the living room. No, I was buffing my toe. I usually do it outside now. I was buffing my toe and the cat came over and I hit him with the thing, not hit him, but I went to pet his head. And next thing, all that toe dust went on his head and shit.
17:21 Oh, my gosh. I felt so bad for dimmy. I had to wipe it off and stuff. Well, isn't that the dust that, like, when we were moving, we smoked out of that little... That was a box? Is that the dust? Is that your foot dust? It could be.
17:32 Oh, God. What the hell is happening over at your house? I had the... Listen to what happened. There's a box next to my chair. And I got my toenail clipper in there. You got the fucking fungi nail to get under the nail with the fucking thing. It's great for that.
17:50 What I did last night was you cut your fungi. before you go to sleep and you make sure the point is hanging up and in the middle of night you kick your wife with that little fucking stick where you arm yourself like you just cut your toe a little bit oh wow this poor guy he's done he's leah's done look at you yes you yeah you're done you're done you're done look at you no you're not that bad you're not falling asleep though no I'm good oh my god do you have a fungi toenail okay listen to me What happened? Any type of product that is used for your feet should not be an open display.
18:30 No, I put it in a box. I put them all that shit. Do you, who do you fucking think you're dealing with? I don't put it. Is the toolbox of toenail stuff out in the living room? No, no, no. I have it hidden, and I break it out at night when everybody goes to bed. Okay, the way you were sounding.
18:46 But what happened was one night I went outside before I did my feet, and I took a canister full of wheat like this. but sometimes you don't close it right. So when I walked back in, I threw the canister in that finished buffing my feet and the weed spilled open. It's $40 worth of the wheat. I can't throw it away. So whatever was in there, I got smoked,
19:05 you know what I'm saying? Tornails. Oh, my God. Fucking foot dust. Whatever the fuck was in there. Hey, we've all done worse. You know what's in there? Oh, wow.
19:16 That reminds me to ever to, like, what's in that thing? This is pure wheat. This didn't fall in the box. You know what I'm saying? Was it not even like a 1%? Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.
19:28 Nothing. The other one had little pieces of aluminum in it. Oh. From the bubble gum and shit, we were smoking that. Who gives a fuck? It's all good for you. It's all good for you, though. I guess so.
19:41 Oh, my God. So. What was Joey when, because I don't think we've ever talked about this. When you first met, Joy, what was your first impression of him? I got this guy. It was great. I mean, it was at the comedy store. It was in the parking lot near that thing that goes up to the belly room.
20:00 I think I remember this very specifically. Now, who did you hang out with that? I hung out with Brett Ernst. I hung out with Mike Young. That's right. Sam Tripoli. Yeah, that was like our little crew that we had at the store. But then I met you.
20:18 And it was just one of these things where, you know, very outgoing. like no one I've ever met before. I mean, I come from the northwest suburbs of Chicago, and this guy comes out, and you were very personable and very friendly, and then you left for a while, and now you came back. That's it.
20:39 Every once in a while, you've got to fucking open the door and take a hike, and then you fucking decide when you come back. That's it. No, I always checked up on you, and Ari would always give me fucking Sebastian reports. Was that your... Ari and you hung there?
20:54 Ari and me always hung and then I remember going to Dallas one time and at that time you were dating a girl from Dallas. Yeah, this has to be six years ago. Yeah, this was seven years ago. Yeah, a while back. This was 2000, what do we? Yeah, 2008.
21:10 Yeah, this is a while ago and I remember talking to the dude and telling me that, but I would just wouldn't see you in circles. I would go on the road and go to the improv and do bray and all that shit, but I just We can go over the store, you know, so. But it's really weird.
21:25 You know, you're getting old when you see these kids that were kids now fucking making it happen. They're running shit. Yeah, it's crazy. And you see the evolution. You see the filling. You know, you see all these different things. I mean, can you believe Pauley's still traveling? It's crazy.
21:41 Isn't it fucking weird? Like, I grew up on Pauley. Both of us did, right? When we were in high school, Paulie was blowing up. He was huge. He was fucking huge. It was huge. Pauli's show was fucking huge when I was growing up movies, Encino Man.
21:57 I love that. I love it, and he's still around. He's still fucking touring every week or every other week or something. It's amazing. The longevity. I mean, just to have that career and just be able to do it, I'm constantly thinking myself, the fear of people not coming back to the show.
22:17 You know, I don't know if you ever get that in your head, if you do a stand-up show. And every night, you hope those people come back the next time you're there. You know, it's very, you know, it's a lot of pressure to go out there and give a killer performance and just go and hope they come back, you know, because you never know in this business. I mean, if, you know, it's very unstable. You work how many weeks, the last 10 years, you work how many weeks a month? You were going out there a lot for a while. Yeah, it was.
22:45 So it's 2005 to 2000. And 2013 was, that's all I did. Was just, uh, you sure? Go to the, every, pretty much every weekend. I, I told my agent, whatever comes in, whatever, wherever, I'll go. Went to the Middle East. Wherever, wherever I got to go to not only make money, just to get better. I didn't really pay attention to the TV, to the film.
23:10 I just wanted to get better doing stand-up comedy. And, um, that went on for about seven years. I never was a featured road guy, never opened up for anybody. I worked at the Four Seasons for seven years, and I worked locally at the improv or the comedy store, Laugh Factory, and then developed kind of on the road doing my things. It was very interesting. It's been an interesting fucking journey. Very. Now, before we even get any further, thank you.
23:42 The situation is coming in town when people go to me, hey, man, I did this, but I'll get you on the next one. Do you ever get that? Like, people go, I'll get you on the next one or whatever. I got to thank you for calling me into audition for your pilot. Oh, absolutely. Because in my world, when somebody thinks of you, that's fucking unbelievable. Like, when people think of me, I go, holy shit. You know, because you don't know how somebody's going to react.
24:05 You know, they get a TV show, and they won't talk to you. They think that you. And when somebody gets a TV show, I'm fucking happy for them. But I also know how all the stars have to align. You know, like, you know, and all the stars align for you, You had fucking Greg Garcia. It was a savage. You know, and now, fuck it.
24:23 They said, no, whatever, the Weber censors it. But you still got a great career going on it. And you got 90 other 2,000 other fucking network, Sebastian. Yeah, no, it's all right. That's the beauty about today that it doesn't really matter no more. It doesn't really matter. No, it doesn't. I mean, at least I got the experience of doing all that, you know, the casting
24:41 and watching people come in and audition and being behind that camera. instead of in front of it. How was it? It was, it would, it changed my way I would go into a room, uh, doing auditions just to watch people. Because you tell, you could tell when people come in whether or not they're good or not. Just the, just the behavior, the nonverbals, the way they put the notebook down. And, uh, you know, like, hey, you know, like, it just.
25:12 Oh, Jerry, Jerry said to say hello to you. Oh, you know Jerry. Yes. I'm good friends. He's a character. Oh, my God. And you're sitting outside going, I didn't get this fucking rope. And then you sit there, listen to the guy, and you're like, that God, you knew Jerry Cucksucker.
25:28 You would die without Jerry in this town. You're terrible. That's the worst. When people show up with brownies and shit to auditions. Oh, God. Hi, Sebastian. Tony's our mutual friend. Tony.
25:39 Oh, my God. Tony, yes, yes. She says you love strawberry bignet? We made you something. The strawberry. we got from my father's farm and you're sitting there going on. Oh, when they show up with the costume. Oh, yeah.
25:52 The police is a police officer. When they show up with the costume, they're not that good. You never show up with a costume. I don't give a fuck if they call you and tell you to show up with a costume. I won't show up with a costume. Yeah, no. No way. But it was interesting to see people walk in and do exactly what you're saying.
26:12 Nobody brought donuts, but, you know, the casting director, would hug if they knew them. I don't know. I just thought it was like, as people casting a TV show, you want the guy or girl to come in and do very well. So we don't really, because it's grueling, man. It's grueling. It's terrible.
26:30 I mean, to go, weeks of it. People coming in and in and in. You know the lines, you're saying them in your head to yourself. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's just that you're looking for someone to make it their own. I told one guy, one guy, any, any advice? for me the guy. I go, just
26:48 just be funny, guy. And I think it threw him off. Like, he looked at me like it was, you know, like I was, just like, just make us laugh. We're dying over on this side of the room. So, uh, it was, uh, it was an experience from the wardrobe to the, to the set design to, uh, all that, you know,
27:12 I mean, you made a TV show and, uh, working with Tony Danza, who played my father. And, you know, here's a guy. I grew up, talk about grew up watching. A taxi. Taxi. You know. And then I watched the show with the little girl.
27:29 I like that show. Oh, yeah. Who's the boss? Even her. She's sad and fuck. You got to sit there and go, how much money does she got? I don't know. Ten syndicated shows.
27:37 It's crazy. It's crazy. I always sit. Let's say my audition is at 11. I go at 10.15. And it pisses casting people. but I don't read at 10.15. I'm prepared, but I tell them I'm going to look over it again.
27:53 And I sit there and I listen to how the three guys in front of me read. Oh, I like that. And they all read the same way. I'll change up my audition right there on the spot. I will change it up on the spot. Of all three of them going there and read it the same way, you're done in my world. I got to switch it up. You know, over the years from going, because I was going members back.
28:16 I got here in 97 and by 99 they had me going into these rooms Sebastian no no anything I'm looking in the face as a brother first movie I audition for was I went in for NYPD blue and as I was walking up did you ever go in from my PD people no you had to go to the end of Fox you couldn't believe they made you do this midway you're like I'm walking 20 minutes and you go up to security go yeah yeah go all the way in the end it's the last the Bosco building oh yeah it's down there in a car you're like seven minutes from the gate. Can you imagine walking 90 degrees black fucking tarp?
28:51 You got your mouth, your fucking warm-up suit on, you know. You're sweating profusiously, dog. And I went over to, uh, I was playing a Colombian something. And I went over to the fucking NYPD Blue against my best wishes. And it was like a fucking 17 page audition and I ate dick. I had just gotten here, Sebastian.
29:13 And as I was walking back, I put my hooded sweatshirt And it had two strings. I'll never forget this. I looked at the strings. And all of a sudden, I kept walking straight, and a lady, and he almost crashed. And she goes, you're here for the audition? And I go, yeah.
29:28 You got your paperwork? I go, no, they never gave it to me. And she goes, here, read this. And I went in there and read it, and it was basketball. And I booked it. Wow. I didn't know nothing about nothing.
29:40 I didn't know Mark, the action. I do nothing. Nothing. I watch movies. I'm not that fucking story. and I watched movies. And after that, I went to a couple more auditions
29:51 and I got a manager. And the guy had grown up in Beverly Hills. So all you had to do, Sebastian, was call him. Let me tell you how good the guy was. Jimmy Schubert went out when I got Hammon and went in for a pilot and fucked it up. He got Jimmy Schubert back in there two days later. This is an agent?
30:06 This was a manager. He quit now. He's in Vegas doing Tina and Tony's wedding. And then he quit. He sold his half and now he's doing who the fuck knows what he's doing. But that's, that guy was, he got me out to the first, I went into rooms with John Travolta. You know, this is 99 guy, 2000.
30:27 Me and Billy Gardell, 10 in the morning with Travolta and fucking, the guy who did drugstore cowboy in a fucking dump on Western and sunset. Just close your eyes. Think of Western and Sunset across in that nasty McDonald's. There's a building. That's a big-time audition building. Oh, yeah, I know exactly where that is. You know exactly what it is? Upstairs?
30:46 Upstairs, downstairs. Yeah, I know exactly where that is. It's crazy, man, when you go into these auditions and what happens in there. I like it. You know what? The audition that me and you did for the Bill Maher thing, I just knew we got that. Right when we were in the room. You remember that?
31:05 For the politically incorrect? Yes, yes, yes. We auditioned together. Together, yes. And I think you actually took me aside and said, we're going in together. Yeah, yeah, go come on. I looked around. I saw the people that were lurking around you.
31:18 And I go, wait a second. He's a really good looking guy. He's Gino, and I'm the bad guy. I'm fucking, I can be anybody, Corma. I looked at the combinations. And it was a bad sense of combinations. And this was, this was... What if he had already had another partner?
31:38 He was talking. People were mingling around him. I just took him. It was like, you go to Mexico? There's a hooker. There's one good-looking one, and they fat ones, you run for that corner and tackle that fucking one and just grab her by the fucking head in the hand.
31:51 You know, that's what it was, because I knew. I go, this is the chemistry right here. The supremacists had already been going for about a year or two. Yeah. That's why they had been doing it. It was Mafia Week. Mafia Week, yeah. Then we went to some warehouse to shoot that.
32:04 Culver City? Yeah. And they told us both not to touch them. Is that what they said? Yeah, they pulled us aside and said, whatever you do. Don't touch Melbourne. Don't shake his hand. I was just happy to be there.
32:16 I was like, this is great. And we got $305. And it took us a year to get it. It's called a promo on SAG. It's a fucking short film to get you. I thought I was making like $17,000. I called my agent the next day. I said, listen, when can I pick up an advance?
32:33 I need some money. Advance on what? The fucking promo I did. Yes, there's got to be big bucks. It's ABC, primetime. Yeah. Bill Maher was prime time. I thought we were fucking at least getting seriously.
32:45 25,000. Oh, yeah. Seriously, I was like, we're getting $2,500. He goes, no, let me look at the contract. No, you're getting $305, and I was like, are you fucking kidding me? And I was on a string of deserts in those days.
32:58 But I kept booking these, in those days, the sheet thing, Sebastian, was these 465s. Oh, is that this? Modified SAG. Yeah, yeah. I booked eight of those in a row, 465, 465.
33:14 I could. Couldn't take a number. How many 460 fucking fives can you throw at me? I moved here because everybody said you make thousands of dollars. Everybody was booking pilots. Oh, I made $38,000 on that last pile. How did you make $38,000? They gave me $12.50 and how to rehearse and fucking go down there and put a suit on and fucking table read.
33:33 Everybody was getting rich, and I'm getting $4.66 a movie. I ain't complaining. I was very fortunate. And I would get two days a day, two days a day. Then my man saved me. His name is Rodney Dangerfield. I went into that stupid fucking movie, and he goes, listen, I already cast your role, but just show up. And I asked my agent, what does it pay?
33:53 He goes, $4.66 a day. God damn it. How many days? You might get three. I ended up busting the banquet, like 11. That was the biggest check I ever had in my life. Just to show up? I know I went every day, and he made me do something.
34:08 Like he made me play Jojo. Did you know him? Never. Never. I almost shit my pants when I walked in the room. They auditioned me next to, right on sunset, across from that fucking, down the block from the comedy bar and Miyagi.
34:24 Oh, yeah, yeah. But you don't really hit the hotel, the standard. Right there on this side, across from the standard, I forget what her name was. She was big time. And I went in there, Rodney was in the room and a couple guys from the comedy store from the old days. I read, and then he said, just show up.
34:42 Just show up. And that's where I met. Those two dudes from Chicago that run Tina and Tony's wedding. He was my partner in that fucking movie. He was my Italian psychic. So you were booking stuff early on out here. Then you had like a run with the Spider-Man. A run.
35:01 A run. I would just, I've learned how to mail auditions. You don't want to see me, Sebastian? You don't want to see me. That's fine. I understand. But I got this character. If you don't see me, don't see me.
35:14 Let me put it on tape me. Is that what you did? How do you like me now? I started taking down a fence because they didn't want to see me. Wait a second. I move here, I take an acting class.
35:27 I do eight fucking co-stars. You know, I don't know what I really did at the time, but it was like eight co-stars. Like, I was getting fucked in the ass. Remember, you know, you move here, they go, once you get a TV spot, your money goes up and you go out every weekend.
35:38 Boom, mad TV, the sopranos got really hot. They did a mad TV fucking sketch. Nothing. Nobody still wanted to hire me. Like, everybody else got hired. They went on Mad TV and get high, and they're getting fucking 2,000 a week and shit. I still can't get fucking hired.
35:53 So that's what it was. It was like I was booking a bunch of co-stars, and then I moved on to the movies, and I started getting these $4.60, $100 movies were not around that. That wasn't around it. And that just fucking came in about seven years ago after the strike. The lowest I ever got was $466,
36:12 and I got that fucking 305 from the, problem why there's gonna be big bucks and then I booked something and they paid me scale for the first time and I was like a motherfucker we got them now here we go here we go and then I'm one of the string of scales and I never forget when I got Spider-Man too they offered me scale one day and you want me to say what my manager said to me at the time she goes don't take it She goes, I wouldn't do Spider-Man 2 for one day at scale. And I go, what about the residual? She goes, you're not going to get any.
36:51 And I thought about it. I took it and I fired it. I sent her a letter. Your service is known that. I'm a comic. You got exposure. That's the biggest movie of the year if you're seeing stays in it. You know what I'm saying?
37:04 What do you give a fuck? Norton had the first one. Jim Norton had Spider-Man won. Oh, he was in that? Yeah, they asked him a question. Who gives a fuck? That guy likes comics And then I started getting
37:15 Scales, scale, scale, scale But then again, everybody else is getting I got $8,000 a day for that I'm still getting fucking scale What the fuck? That's funny It's very interesting, man What does that mean for people who don't?
37:29 Scale is 660 a day And I'm not complaining people No, no, I don't But no, let me complain to you people Let me complain, let's pretend you get 660 10% goes to your agent That's 60 10% goes to your manager
37:43 That's 120. Half of it goes to taxes. That's 300. You know, so here you grew up thinking, man, people working TV got a lot of fucking loot. Okay, you're still like Joey. That's more than what I make, but that's $300 for three days. That's $900. I don't know when I'm going to get my next fucking job.
38:04 Yeah, you've got to make that last. You got to make that last. My question was just like, what is scale? Is there a scale that you can get paid on based on the movie or like, I was just one of what they meant. Well, budgets. Fucking budgets of these movies. But then, you know, your resume,
38:19 how much popularity you have. Oh, no, I know. See, now you really got them with your Twitter numbers. Now you can fuck with TV movies and shit. Because for a while, they were saying they weren't going to get book deals to people. Unless you have 75,000 followers or something crazy. I just heard this shit.
38:35 And then I heard recently that they get involved with that for casting. They're going to start looking at Twitter and Facebook. They have a bunch of, movies with like vine people. It's pretty scary. Because the movies are so cheap to produce now. They don't need that much money. Yeah, but I don't know if that translates into
38:53 hard ticket sales. Not ticket sales, but downloads. That's all they care about. If they can get 5, 5, if they can get iTunes downloads from the teenage girls, that's all they care about. Yeah, but I don't know. They still got to pay for that, right? Yeah.
39:07 Yeah, but the parents give them iTunes cards or. Is that what they're just, I just, the followers things, I don't, know if that translates into the ticket sales well i don't know i don't know how it does i just heard this maybe eight months ago i have a friend that's you know we have active friends and the way we feel about stand up they feel about acting they go to premieres they go to fucking poker celebrity poker things i got one of those buddy he's not a celebrity but he goes to the poker matches he wears a hat and goes to fucking the emies i don't even know how he gets in you know what's that
39:43 Whenever I see him at the coffee shop over here, we were talking one time, and he was telling me I didn't get this movie because they said I wasn't very alive on social media. The guy they gave it to had a big social media following. I never thought about it, and I heard like once or twice again after that. It didn't make a difference to me.
40:07 I'm not hunting that game down. You know what I'm saying? It's not that I'm not trying to hunt down movies and shit, but it just seemed I could see being being like a tiebreaker or something if there's two actors
40:21 like Sebastian if you were going to book your show another show and you have someone with a brand new to L.A. who's amazing who might be the next
40:30 Brad Pitt or you have someone who has 200,000 Twitter followers but it's good or great would you choose them or do you think you'd go for the best one?
40:40 Speaking from experience we never looked at social media at all during the casting process. However, you do have an advantage if, you know, you've been on other shows or, you know, you have some experience in your name, opposed to maybe a guy who, you know, not that I believe this, but, you know, there's some network and maybe some studio executives that would want someone who has a name that would draw eyeballs to the show. But same difference. Same difference. Let me ask you this. This is the one that kills me because this is the guy I love to be.
41:18 You know, to get, to go on a role, you have to also go on an audition role. People don't understand how hard it is unless CAA or I see him. Go, this is my buddy. An agent told me that he's your fan, Sebastian. He wants to meet with you for lunch. He has a role three days. He's a fan. You go down and do it.
41:39 But then there's the fucking, I lost my train. I got to start smoking off me after I'm getting old. I forget what the fuck I was going to say. But then there's the... Oh, no, no, okay, I'm sorry. I knew what I was going to say. I thought I said it already. And then there's the train of thought where it was me.
41:57 I was a fat, fucking dirty comic, and I had a medium theatrical age, but I was also getting the breakdowns. And I was also going to acting class on top of going to the comedy store. So I was chit-chatting with those fucking mom. and at the same time getting breakdowns. And I learned the breakdown game.
42:17 And one of the things I realized, and I want you to know if you ran through this, how many times a guy come in? Maybe a comedic actor. Okay? You've seen him on three TV shows. You particularly don't like him. I mean, not as a human being.
42:33 As far as what the fuck he's done on TV shows, you don't get it. Yeah. But he's here. NBC loves him. You know, he's amazing. And now I got this. fucking, let me just draw a name out there.
42:47 Ingram, that comes in that room and sizzles that motherfucker three times without even trying. And you know, and Sebastian, you're sitting there holding your face going, what do I do? Not because you know Ingram. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about because this guy has been the sixth man or the fifth man on shows, but my little dirty fucking Ingram came in here and sizzled his ass three times to, prove it. Each time he changed the auditioner. He came with something else.
43:17 That's, you know what I'm saying? What do you do? Now the network gets involved and now. Yeah. You got to pick your battles. That's what you got to do. I didn't run into that too much. I think we cast, well, actually, there was some stipulations on who network wanted. And, you know, there's always the, you got to be diverse. and, you know, even though I'm writing about the people I grew up with, you know, maybe I didn't grow up with a Chinese guy or maybe I didn't grow up with a tranny.
43:52 Nick had to become a trendy. We went diversity. Yeah. Wasn't there transsexual in your neighborhood, Sebastian, growing up? And you're like, listen, let me tell you something. Yeah. So, yeah. But, I mean, I always were looking for the funny.
44:11 I mean, to me, the funny was the, was it. But sometimes you got a, you know, tiptoe around things. Last night, a show got tortured online. And it's like, I don't watch TV, but a TV show now, like a network TV show is a hard sell. I think it's an antiquated thing. Yeah, I know. It really is. You ever read, like, what the network's boys?
44:41 Oh, yeah. You ever like You just like you just know they're not even seeing it To read it is the best When you go to a back page Or one of those industry things And you open it up and it says
44:53 Films and pre-production And then they'll say TV shows and pre-production Then they'll say pilots bought You got a scrim That's when you put your glasses on You throw a nicotine gun And get a cup of coffee
45:04 Because get ready to laugh And it's you read it Sebastian And right away you think of the three shows a gay man moves to New York to find themselves and moves in with a girl and they become lovers you know
45:17 I don't know if that happened before but it's just like as you're reading the what is that called that first two lines the log line you're like what the fuck a divorce woman
45:29 a divorce man meeting a laundry man and now they have to raise their six children isn't that the fucking Brady bunch you know you just keeps growing and it's once they run out of that show then they start mixing and matching then they start mixing and matching again you know it's like it's like films when they get the hot black guy they put them up with the hot white guy you know and then they after 48 hours they tried to make
45:52 everything 48 hours yeah they wanted to make everybody Eddie murphy and that's what they fucking yeah but man i congratulate on the whole tv experience it was fun i bet you learned a lot that's nice i bet you couldn't wait to get the fuck out of that at the end and get back on the road and do some fucking shows oh yeah you start trying to do you learn chopping at the bit a little bit, you know, doing that one thing over and over, the casting and all that stuff. And then the rehearsal and then the rehearsal, which was all great experience. And then I had my family come out to watch the filming of it. My father was there and, you know, talking to Tony Danza.
46:27 And here I got my real father and Tony Danza playing my father. They're talking. Of course, my father was, you know, talking to Tony Danza. You know, you need any tips? Let me know. You need to know what I, you know, what I do. you know a family is very very involved
46:47 in what I do especially when I come home to Chicago and they would want tickets my father's like any tickets you gotta give me some tickets and I go Dad you know I mean I'm trying to make a limit Yeah
46:58 I'm trying to make a living I'll pay for people to come see me perform But you know he's an immigrant soul So he's like hey I'm my father What I want I get He's very proud of you Sebastian He's very proud What does he want like two or three
47:11 Get the fuck out of here two or three. I don't even know his father, and I'm telling you what he wants. He wants a small 40. He promised Gino at the barbershop and the dudes at the bakery want to come see. Remember little Nikki? You play bitty basketball. They want to come see it. What?
47:26 They don't make money. No. But they don't have $2.50. What the fuck? I haven't seen little Nikki in 10 years. Now he wants to come see me. They make it the bakery. Oh, yeah.
47:37 Man, it's a lot of that stuff going on. My father would negotiate, I think, like, he's like, I got to get the contractor that did my, my bathroom, a couple of tickets. I think he negotiates the price with the two tickets included. And then when I come to town, I'm paying basically off my father's favors with tickets. So, but it's good, man. He's a proud father. So it's your family.
48:03 How's your mom about all this? My mom is, she lives out here. So with my sisters living out here. too so at least i got some family here and uh she's great i mean she loves she thinks every show's like the Emmys you know
48:21 she's coming to Chicago the Chicago theater she'll get dressed up you know it's a big to do for her you know and and my wife as well you know it's exciting it's an exciting time where you know you get to share it with the people that you love and
48:37 and uh and uh it's good That's good. I can't come. Knowing my wife is in the audience drives me fucking crazy. No? Oh, you come on.
48:46 No, it drives me crazy. Why? It drives me crazy. I don't know. I don't like her to see. It took me years to be able to perform in front of my friends. Really? To what?
48:57 The dudes I grew up with? Years. So now we have like a silent thing. I don't bust your balls and you don't come to the show. We get together when I go home. First night we all get together. But they don't ask and I don't ask. they asked one time where you performers got them yeah okay can you get us tickets yeah i get you two
49:18 i don't hear from them till the next morning and that's fine i'd rather not see you know what it's very hard for me to perform in front of my friends i don't know what over time little by little shit gets out there they watch it on youtube then i don't feel that bad like for years i wouldn't let my friend's kids come see me i would go to their house and the girls like we're thinking to come into the city's like no you're fucking nut dog i don't want them to the show and they would look at me like in shock and I go Mike I don't want him at the show because I say fucking weird
49:47 shit I'm talking about Coke and fucking around and I don't want them at the show but then they rolled and they watch videos so they listen to the fucking podcast and now how can you hide what you do on stage when you do this is YouTube I mean it's not
50:04 1981 yeah we're done Joey I was saying about that there's probably parents who are like you can't listen to the Joey podcast. Like we're probably like banned from like little like middle school kids. It's, it's, uh, I just don't want my, my now this little girl. Okay, let's talk about that.
50:27 How old's your daughter? Three and a half. Okay. So when she starts to get older, seven, eight, nine, ten, this is going to be a ban on, and, on her watching anything that daddy does? I don't think that she'll fucking go on the computer looking for daddy. unless somebody mentions it to it. And if somebody mentions it to her,
50:48 I'll go, listen, man, I'm a writer. I'm not lying to it when I tell I'm a writer. I'm not telling it a full boat. I don't want my child to grow up with that entertainment mentality that you can go to school and act like that. I don't like that shit, Sebastian. I grew up in entertainment kids, and I see how to fuck they act.
51:10 And you come out here, and you go to auditions and you see what happens to these kids. Oh, yeah. And I don't want to put my daughter in a school system where, you know, she goes to school with fucking some director's kids and produces kids
51:23 and you see how the fuck they act. You know, they've had a nanny all their fucking life, you know. That shit bothers the fuck out of me. I don't want her to really feel like she could be cute because her dad's a comedian. Can you imagine if your dad was a comedian?
51:40 How would you act? school. You go up to the front of the fucking class every day, do ten minutes? Do you know what I'm saying? I mean half of it sounds a little fucked up to you, but the other half, I want you to understand. It's in her blood, dog. My cousins
51:55 are in the national fucking band in Cuba. My mom had a bar, you know. It's in the Valdez's side of the fucking blood. That's what they do. They're fucking performed. I didn't know nothing about that shit until they, I was going home a day and they went to the improv. They were coming out here to tape a fucking
52:11 It's not like I grew up wanting to be a stand-up comedian, you know. I wanted to be an attorney, but then when I got a, the felony, the dream went down to the tube, but how to fucking improvise, you know what I'm saying, quickly. Does your mom have a bar in New York City? We used to, but before she died, we had a bar in Union City, New Jersey, right by the Lincoln Town. What kind of was a... Cuban Bar. Cuban Bar, an Irish Italian neighbor.
52:37 You went in there, she served rice and beans and shit, that's it. Wow. But, yeah, it's not like at the age of 13. This is what I wanted to fucking do. Want water, buddy? No, I'm good. I'm good. At the age of 13, this is the most distant fucking thing from my mind.
52:55 Did I have Richard Pryor albums? Fuck, yeah. I had three of those bitches. And I would put them on for my friends, and they were fucking, their jaw would drop. Me, you know, I'm an immigrant kid. I love that type of language. When I would hear those words, I would mind. head would blow up, Sebastian.
53:14 So you had no idea that you were getting into the entertainment business until? Not at all. Not at all. In 87, before I got locked up, I had a roommate that used to tell me he had a friend out here that did camera work, and I would always break his balls. Call your friend, dog. Call your friend, see if you get me in the movies. I thought it was just like that.
53:34 You know, when you don't live here, you really think that, dog, I know Sebastian on Scott. I'll call and he can get me on fucking Tim Allen's show. He knows people. ABC. I don't know nobody. People think you know people. We don't know nobody.
53:46 I get hit once a week with a stupid request. From people you know? From people on Facebook or Twitter. Hey, man, I need a big favor. I need for you to contact John Leguizamo. I'm doing the benefit for kids. What makes you think I know John Langellama? Who was the look?
54:04 I got one this week. I just got one. Like, this is why I'm bringing up. I just got one like Sunday for somebody. Oh, Marky Warbur. People think I know Marky Warburg I don't know I never seen Marky Wohlberg
54:16 Oh we seen him one time Didn't you see him with me I saw him one time But somebody told me they said I don't know what the fuck I don't think It goes to church in the valley Oh
54:24 My wife Yeah yeah yeah I never see the fucking guy For some reason People think we know Marky Wolberg I got to call All the fucking time from people man
54:33 Hey do you bump into slash Slash? Slash Yeah I got one of those in July What did you say? Oh, yeah, I see slash every day I go play fucking
54:48 You know drums with him Every you have an afternoon I got a You know one of those like Nigerian Friends emails with money For the podcast It even said I'm a big fan of your podcast You have a bunch of money
55:03 How much did you say you have? I didn't I don't I'm not going to respond to that We'll hit them back Let's see if we can work out of deal with the Africans We'll send you over and pick up to him below No go do you have you seen that documentary I don't know if it was CNN or who did it
55:19 But a few years ago they did that Like they actually got people to like make Uh Like appointments to meet these people And they like interviewed them like What are you doing? Like where are you going with this money? It was pretty interesting
55:33 Some people fucking crazy though So what's next with Sebastian? What's next? We're going on a tour 2016-17. We just announced that this week It's called the Why Would You Do That Tour? tour, which is coinciding with the special that's airing on Saturday. And this is a all-theater tour across the country, about 27 cities.
55:58 So, yeah, we're going to go on the road, man. We're going to knock some cities out. So I'm excited. How long is the 27 cities? One year or? Actually, he's taking us into mid-June of next year. So we're booked out until mid-June. So you're booked out to 218 is what you're telling
56:20 No, no, 17 17 So it starts now Okay, you get me all scared I'm like the Beatles You're not getting to get off the fucking road You didn't think I had a pit bull By the time
56:29 By that time you hate the microphone Fuck you I don't want to see you again Cocksucker No no We just got to mid June And then You know
56:39 My wife and I were trying to start a family So You know We're uh We're juggling Is that why you're looking on lean and me She got the pasta all for you You got you drinking kale, squeezing lemon juice and shit.
56:50 What the fuck, Sebastian? I tell you, man. My wife is very in shape. She's an ex-gymist, so she takes care of herself. And I eat like an animal. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I just love to eat. But she's very, you know, hey, you know, maybe you should watch that.
57:08 And she's kind of like, I got to go in the refrigerator. And then she looks like, what are you doing? She's getting a little ice cream. No. And she goes, hey, you know, maybe you want to lay off the ice cream. She's good. She keeps me... What are you for breakfast? Egg whites, don't you? No. What are you for breakfast?
57:29 I eat a, it's called a Brad Scramble. I go to a place on Wilshire and Fairfax. Or sorry, Wilshire and Houser. It's where I used to live. It's called Black Dog Coffee. I go in there for a little scramble with some turkey sausage, spinach and onion get that in the morning
57:50 love chapolte for a little lunch oh Jesus Christ and then we love we love cooking I love the little steak at the house
58:03 You cook at night Yeah How many times are you eat that chipote Once a day Oh Jesus A bad Chicken bowl Oh man
58:15 A little guack The faces the Sebastian made when Joey was talking about his foot Are the faces that Joey made when you were talking about the food you're eating? Are you a Chapulte guy? People get sick. I mean, I love you to death. You're one of the smartest guys I know you take pictures of people's feet with flip-clops. You know, you got clasped, pizzazz you wear a suit.
58:41 I thought you were making faces because you like Chapulte. No. How can you eat that stuff? You're a talent. You're a tank of... It's a little... a quick bite. You're a Sicilian tank of death and you're eating that shit.
58:53 Your intestines are fucking screaming every day. They sing fucking Italian songs every time you're doing. Where do you go? What do you get? And here's the fucking craziest thing. Let me tell you the craziest thing. I just spent five days with my buddy. Mr. Italian, love my grub in his house. Fish, pasta, the whole fucking thing. Wights,
59:11 you know, still goes to Jitsu, 53, long shorman, the whole fucking deal. He picked me up We went to a restaurant. I didn't know why we went to this restaurant with all the good food we had right around the corner. And it was horrible. And on the way out, he goes,
59:27 actually, I went to Chipotle. And I go, you really go there all the time? You just fuck with me on the phone. He goes, die, I go there every day. He's Mr. Fitness. Mr. He don't eat this, don't drink this, don't do drugs, don't smoke. And it would be shit in blood.
59:46 And you're the only one walking around with a happy space. I know that's your politely. How's this happening? What's the recipe that you eat at your polo? I have a little brown rice and chicken and a little mild salsa. That's it. It's small. And it's good.
01:00:03 I like it. And it's healthy. I don't know. I mean, the health quotient, we don't know. But your wife, where you go there? She don't go there. But does she know you go there? Yeah.
01:00:12 And what does she say? You got to stop going there, Sebastian? She goes, you should maybe relax with the chippole. Okay, so it's not fucking good for you then. Why do you go there? I don't know. I thought it was healthy and nutritious and low carbs. They have the calorie and all the information on the website,
01:00:26 but every time I went there, I would get steak. It just didn't taste good. It tasted good in a burrito because I think it was mixed together, but in a bowl when you could just like taste individual meat, it just tasted like weird. Well, maybe I'm off. Maybe I start making up my own lunch. Maybe brown bag it.
01:00:42 No, I don't want you to brown bag it, but I just can't figure you miss. Mr. Health? I'm not Mr. Health, man. I mean, I like to eat. When do you eat? If your wife watches you, it's not like you're going to bring three, it's not like you're going to bring three fucking canoes home. You know what I'm saying? No, no, no, absolutely not. But, you know, I eat large amounts of food when I do eat. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Although the Chipotle, I kind of like, you know, keep it on the... Oh, man. Down the block from Gotham. Oh, man. On the block from Gotham. You know which place I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. I forget the name of it. But I showed him. I sent him fucking pictures. He could stop texting me back.
01:01:20 That's nice. I guess. Look at these fucking lobster tails from Spoli's with the fucking powdered sugar and the fucking Tiffany cream inside. You kidding me? Tiffany. Tiffany cream. What's that? Chantilly.
01:01:33 Chantilly. Tiffany. Same shit. You know what I'm saying? I fucked up the words. Laita cucksuck. I don't want to. Tiffany cream.
01:01:43 Whatever it's called. I don't fucking know. I don't want to ask no question. I don't know. It sounded like you know. what the hell it was. I was going to go out and ask my banker if he had Tiffany cream. Not around here. You can't get these things?
01:01:52 I tried, I walked in the first and I said, can you ship them to my wife? They go, we could ship cookies. No canoes, no they can't do the lobster tails. Lops and tails. And I only ate one in four fucking days. That's how good a resistance I had. Same day I went for
01:02:10 Chinese, I might as well kill myself. I threw one of those lobster tails down. What was that, bread? Then I was in the straight and arrow. What's in the long? lobster tail pastry like a filo really fucking light
01:02:23 with this cream that you've never tasted before I tell you this you never tasted it I mean I know you got great bakeries in Chicago all time time at the same thing this is probably has been there since 46 and the pastry's crunchy yeah Sinatra the uncle you know all those people have been there it's old they just remodeled it the grandmother died they sank the fucking will
01:02:45 into the place finally people are falling in the show I know people will say it's the tourist place, and it is kind of, but it's, when we go to Boston, I'm going to go to Mike's pastry and get you the lobster tail from there. I want you to go to no one. I want you to stay close by it because there's bad people. It's close by. It's 10 minutes of the way. Why are you going to get there?
01:03:02 I'll either walk or take the train. They have no Uber? There's no point in Uber. All right. If it's that close, I don't give a fuck. No, I mean, I could Uber, but it would, like, with all the one-way streets and stuff, it would take too long. You had an Uber experience. Yeah, and that for the first time.
01:03:18 I got called at that pizza place. One in the morning on Friday nights. It's fucking raining in New York City. I got my nieces with me. I never Uber before. Oh, this is your first Uber experience? My first Uber experience. I can't believe they call it the Uber experience.
01:03:30 It's just, hey, Uber, all right? There's no fucking experience. I got the back of a fucking car with some kid. He didn't something. He didn't I blow either. He had computers and shit, but it was 61 bucks to get back to Edgewater. Is that a good rate? To go over Jersey at one in the morning,
01:03:46 and it's a $14 toll. I would have gave him the yardstick easy. You drive me to my door. That's a yardstick. Bam, right there. No complaints, no nothing. You don't look at the meter? Why look at the meter?
01:04:01 You drove me to my door. There's no reason to look at the meter. I just pop your yard and get in the fucking hotel. Nobody knows nothing. You got me to my house safely. God bless you. A few yards. My mother's up in fucking purgatory,
01:04:13 looking down and you got my son home. Nice. In the rain, a thousand things are going to have. What do I give a fuck? Where did you shoot the special, my brother? Beacon Theater. Look at you. On like the ninth night?
01:04:26 How many nights did you shoot there? 18 fucking nights. We sold that? We seven. Seven nights. Seven nights. Congratulations. On what night did you shoot the special?
01:04:36 Saturday night. So I think we started, what, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Shot it. Two shows Saturday. And then we did a show on Sunday. We didn't shoot. But yeah, New York City is my, Bread and Butter over there.
01:04:49 There's a lot of battalions out of there. Yeah, my buddy, the one that eats Chipotle. He went to see something. I don't know if, I didn't know if it was that beacon or somewhere else, but I know he went to see it. And Loebbs, the one that stud is likes you. Yeah, yeah, it was good. So it's there on Saturday.
01:05:07 We're proud of it. Tony Danza came. And Seinfeld was there. So it was nice, man. The guys I grew up watching, you know, to have them come and watch me is, uh, it was nice. Now Seinfeld showed up to your pilot shooting also.
01:05:24 No, no, no, Seinfeld didn't, uh, I don't think he, no, he didn't. Um, but I did comedians and cars with him. And then he, we've become kind of fast friends over the last, I'd say six, seven months. Guy that, uh, you know, I really enjoyed watching, still do. And, uh, you know, when you got a guy like that who's been through, you know, the whole thing. The show, the whole thing. It's a good guy to give advice and kind of listen. When you're in
01:05:52 the presence of someone, like a guru, you don't talk. You just listen. He's a fucking guru. You've proven it, though. It's a fucked up show. It's just a fucked up show. I watch it still and this show's fucked up. I don't even know. These people crazy.
01:06:10 But it changed television forever. It really opened up the lights. Man, a lot of guys are still around. so I used to watch his kids and admire you know I don't know how much I admired Paulie Shore I just liked him as a comic back then I just liked the environment
01:06:25 that he was in with the spring breaks and I used to I wanted to go to Daytona Beach because Pauly Shore was there and he was doing his MTV Spring Break Jesus Christ
01:06:36 what's the hot spot now for fucking I don't know Mexico I have maybe I never once one on spring break I was never cool enough to do that you never know I had no idea.
01:06:46 Well, you can't put a bikini on. You know what I couldn't? You could have just gone down there and hijacked. I never went to listen to the spring break one time. We drove down, got out, went to the hotel room, went to the bar, looked at each other and said, if we leave right now, we could catch fucking happy hour tomorrow in Jersey. That's exactly what we did. Really?
01:07:08 That's how we were ex-pro. I grew up with fucking, I grew up with that. kid I was telling you about and he's an interesting character because I liked hanging out with him because he would leave a spot within two minutes if he didn't like it he would just look at me and go I'm out of here
01:07:27 dog what do you want to do dog I couldn't wait for you to say it like you were going to a place that was bad when you were a kid and people like what's going to be great it just wasn't your scene so we would leave and go to a movie he didn't do drugs so we would fucking go eat something he's a built
01:07:42 dude you know so we were Talk about weights and fucking running and karate. Did you grow up with a rough group of guys? Yes and no. Yes and no. There was, you know, nice guys and shit like that. But in the neighborhood, I grew up in New York when I came from Cuba. That was just general people.
01:08:07 I lived on the Upper West Side on 88th Street. So the people in my building worked on Wall Street and stuff like that. The girl I dated in the first grade, Chinese, like I'd hold her hand. Her father was an animator for Snoopy. Shultz. So we would go to screenings.
01:08:27 The whole first grade would go to screenings. That was nice. Then we moved to Jersey. That was a little bit more blue collar. And you had your nice people, and then you had the people that you figured out over the years what the fuck they did, you know? And then you had a a handful of people that
01:08:45 it was the type of shit that you read about in the paper and you just didn't even talk to them. Like, they had nothing to do with you unless you wanted to, you know, unless you wanted to be cool or something. Yeah. My nut get stuck. Sometimes a little nut get stuck
01:09:04 in your fucking pants and shit. Oh, God. So what cities are, where are you opening the tour at? This Saturday, when is it open? What we're doing? We're doing shows together. Oh, that's right. What the, What the fuck am I talking about?
01:09:15 We're going to oddball. Okay. And this is the last week in an oddball. This is it. This is it. So we're doing Friday night in San Jose or whatever the fuck there. Mountain View. Mountain View.
01:09:25 And then Irvine's Saturday. Sunday is Arizona. Are you coming back Saturday? Are you staying up this? Are you coming back Friday? I'm coming back Friday. Okay. Me too.
01:09:35 I'm flying right back into fucking Burbank. Yeah. And then we'll go to Irvine. Irvine. And then the next day I'll shoot out of Burbank right to Phoenix. Like the doctor. Come right back on Monday. 6 a.m. flight. I land at 7.30.
01:09:48 I'm done with those flights. I have to get up early and get it out of the way, Sebastian. If not, I get nervous. About what? Terrorism. They don't shoot people till 9.30 east like it. So you literally leave because you're inferior. Well, that's part of the whole fucking deal. I leave early because number one, I got to take the 405.
01:10:08 I got two options. It could take me an hour and a half to two hours. to get there and the place is swamped and you got no parking up front or I can leave at 5 in the fucking morning and it takes me 20 minutes, 25 minutes stops to get to the fucking airport. That's understandable.
01:10:26 I take the first flight out of the comedy club. First flight out, 6 a.m., 5 a.m. 5.45. I want to hit these rows before they get packed on the Lord's Day. I don't want to be on the 405, the 205, the 210, the 101. I don't want to be on nothing past 10 o'clock. So when they call me for a week, the first thing I do is, let's
01:10:44 see where the schedules are. I type up Delta, United, Virgin, and whatever. First thing I look for is the early flight back. If I can't get back before the wheat store opens, I don't belong there. If you get me back at one in the afternoon, I'm not going to your city. Seriously. No, no, no. I don't want to land and have another hour and a half.
01:11:07 I just came six fucking hours in the flight. Pasadena. I want to land. I want the four or five to be open. I stop. I get whatever I got and I go home and I don't leave the house the rest of the fucking day on the Lord today.
01:11:20 You lock it down, huh? Lock it down until Monday morning. There's no reason. I go play with the family, the kid. I have to do that because that's what you have to do to keep a family. Can't work Sundays when you got a kid dog.
01:11:31 You grew up on Sundays, everybody held hands. Your dad led the table, right? You said a prayer. Grandma came over. The cousins came over. If you don't do that, you got nothing. I don't give a fuck what Any motherfucker tells you.
01:11:46 I know how to break up a marriage, but I know how to save one, too. And that Sunday is the most important thing at 6 o'clock. I'm doing this because it's a goof. I don't give a fuck, it's 20 minutes. I'm out of there by 8 o'clock. I go back to the hotel. I smoke dope. I jump in the pool and get room service or something,
01:12:01 but I would never work a fucking Sunday. I fucking hate working Sundays. If I was single, oh, I'd be sucking fucking somebody's asshole on Sundays. You know what I mean? I don't give a fuck, Sebastian Monascar. Oh, too old for that shit. So the tour starts next week? Yeah, the tour is basically going to kick off in Rochester, New York, Syracuse,
01:12:22 and we're going to go to Chicago, Chicago Theater. We're going to go to Connecticut at the Foxwoods Casino, and then Atlantic City, Long Island, it just goes and goes and goes. How many times, how many cities are you doing in Florida? Florida, Tampa, and Orlando. We're going to hit Fort Lauderdale and Miami on the second half. with Tampa and Orlando on this run and Fort Myers. Bus?
01:12:47 How are you doing this? No, you're the last for the moheekins. I had to fly. Thank you. I can't do it, but. You're the shit. People got to smell your stuff. You're in a bunk like you're in the Army.
01:12:59 Next thing you know, somebody, Tracy Morgan's shit. You're fucking, you know what I'm saying? Some truck driver hits your bus. Nobody knows nothing. I need that shit in my life. Listen, just put me on the plane. I'll take my chances. When it goes down, there's no.
01:13:11 Oh, but you left. That's it. That's it. Playing it. So you have like Friday, Saturday and Sunday. You're going to plan it all? Friday and Sunday. Or Thursday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
01:13:20 Then you're playing them all. Playing them all. Tremend. Yeah. You got fucking stand on, brother. Stammer, man. Let me give some shoutouts. I'm going to get the fuck out of here.
01:13:30 I'm getting no. Sebastian. Wow. Savage Bowhunting. Spencer Perkins. One-by-one podcast. My main man, Mikey. John Fenn.
01:13:40 Meg. Michael Kern. still kicking ass. Brian Nolan, Burita Joseph, and termite forever. I love you, cocksucker. Oh, God.
01:13:54 Oh, my God. Oh, man. Man, it's great to see you. I'm happy that you're on this weekend. You're going to have a good time in those places. Oh, yeah. For however long I'm there for, because I'll zip it in and out.
01:14:07 You'll come, what happened to Joey? I'll be right behind you, man. Oh, really? Yeah, we're out of there. We're out of there. You go back to your hotel, chill. Really? You put your feet up, law and order. Narcos.
01:14:18 Narcos. What episode you have to? I finished. What'd you think? I love it. You didn't like it? Huh? You didn't like it? I think it's brilliant.
01:14:26 What'd you think of him as an actor? Love him. You know, he smack all these fucking Gentiles walking around. Is he Colombian? He's Pan. Brazilian. Wagner. Wagner.
01:14:40 You know, I'm sick and tired of hearing about fucking a dude from breaking bed. He was good because he had a bunch of guys. good spick actors around them. None of these fucking people, they never bought meth. What the fuck do they know what a met guy acts? He's a great actor. What the fuck? That Wagner-Morra fucking kills me every time. I learn something.
01:14:57 Every time I watch him, I learn something. He tips his head when he talks to you, when he's talking to that kid, when he takes a bullet from him. That's a great fucking scene. Oh, yeah. I think episode seven, El Cateedrao from the first season. Oh, man. You know the titles?
01:15:11 If you're going to be a professional, you know what I'm saying? If you're going to fucking lay down You know, priests have to show up with scripture, right? Uncle Joey's showing up with scripture, just to let motherfuckers know. Number seven, when he kills Munkata and, you know, Judy Mankata's husband. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. When he's foaming from the mouth. Listen, it's been fucking 30 years and somebody did something like that.
01:15:31 The last guy that acted that out, Midnight Express, when they kill his cat, when he hangs the cat, and he fucking beats everybody up, and he's foaming from the mouth, and he fucking gets his head and he bites the guy's tongue out at the end. He spits it up in the air. That was the last real, oh no, revenge with fucking Anthony Quinn and fucking. So where's the, give me three of the beginning dates. This week we're at fucking oddball. Friday, Mountain View, Saturday, Irvine Meadows, Sunday, Phoenix.
01:16:03 Then the following week, Sebastian is where? I don't know. I think I'm off. But then let's just say November 25th, 26, 27th, Chicago Theater, right after Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. Boom. That's a good starting point. Oh, my God.
01:16:17 Those three days after show. Oh, my God. Six shows? Six shows. How many tickets you got caught by dead? 240? The first three shows are family and friends and then the other are open to the public. No.
01:16:33 Oh, my God. But I appreciate you having me on your show. Oh, no, bro. I've been looking. Come on, I always torment you. You're one of my favorites of all time now. I don't like a lot of people. You know what I'm saying?
01:16:43 You, I like you. I like you're a square shooter. I just got to give two fucking things here. First off, Lisa in the beginning, bitches, bidetes are back. You got a bidet over there in your house? A day, no. Would you ever consider using a bidet?
01:16:54 I had one growing up. I had one in my house that was in the fucking floor when we bought the house in Jersey. I would consider it. We don't have one. Consider it because they're making a comeback. Everybody's wearing tight jeans and glasses to be interesting.
01:17:07 Fuck that. The first man who gets a bidet, that's the winner of the conversation, bitch. When I just bought a Lamborghini, bitch, I got a bidet, okay? That's better. That's like having a fucking Mexican with no arms. You follow me? Fucking Jack.
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01:20:05 Thank you, man. I'm excited about your special. I'm going to put it on fucking blast right now. Lee Syatt, I'll see you Monday night. Yes, sir. And we'll be back Monday. Don't forget this week where, whatever, next week, I'm in Columbus, Ohio, at the Funny Bone.
01:20:19 I'll see you there, motherfucker. Stay black. Tonight I'm at the ice house, 8.30 in the back room. See you there. Nice. The days are back. The church of what's happening now was brought to you by hellotushy.com. Go to hellotushy.com, the makers of portable devices that spray your butt clean with water.
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01:21:48 Tell me no lie. Just hold me close. Don't patronize. Don't patronize. I
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