The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #639 - Russell Peters

Episode Date: November 29, 2018

Russell Peters, stand up comedian and actor seen in the movie, "Chef," joins Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt LIVE in studio.  This podcast is brought to you by: Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey and try their dentist designed electric toothbrush. When you go to getquip.com/joey you get your first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush.   Hellotushy.com - Go to Hellotushy.com/muffler for 15% off of your portable bidet order.   Recorded live on 11/27/2018.


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That's all that matters. Christmas is a hop, skip, and a fucking jump. You understand me? Black Friday, Cyber Monday, go fuck yourself. You're still going to scam me somewhere, cock-suckers. It's a church of what's happening. Now, Thursday morning, Russell Peters, the Christ killer, Uncle Joey, kicking it with Chris Cornell. Listen for this one here.

Oh, yeah. Fucking kidding you, Russell Peters. Just like suicide. It's fucking tremendous. Here's all heroin music. You imagine? This is written on heroin, right? It's tremendous.

It's like listening to Zeppelin when they were around heroin. They were on something. Oh, they were. And they wrote no quarter? What fuck are they talking about? I've said it on this show. First of all, it's Russell Peters. It's an honor to have you on the show.

Thank you very much. Thank you, Joey, because I've been wanting to be on this damn show for years. I just want to hook up with you. When I first bought House of the Holy at the age of 12 or 13, when I first tried marijuana and dabbled with it, I would put Hous of the Holy on. And I would listen to, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, because it's that one, another one. Then it's no quarter.

Then it's the ocean. Yeah. I would skip over, no quarter. Too trippy? It was too much for Uncle Joey at the age of 13. It was the devil music. I didn't start listening to No Quarter until I was like 18. Yeah, that's when I was when I started really feeling it.

It was too trippy for me. And that's the reality by Black Sabbath. Yeah. bought it, brought it home. A little too much for me. Number of the beasts scared me when I was scared. Scared the shit out of me. I was raised Catholic and I was like, ugh.

I used to get goosebumps from Vincent Price's voice. Let me ask you a question because it's interesting. You said you're raised Catholic. So I know you a couple years. I don't know none about you, you know. I know your name is Russell Peters. I look at you. I know you're not Mexican.

I know you're fucking something. Indian. I don't know what it is. So boom, you think you're Indian. And then today, I just said, you know what, I don't want to be the answer around the guy and shake them down. Let me just look them up. And all of a sudden I find that you're from Toronto. You know, I didn't know.

I thought you were from, I thought you were from some fucking country. I had no fucking idea. And somebody in your family is white. Somewhere. Right. Anglo. Anglo Indian. And you're something out.

What country are you from? From India. Both my parents. So this is the funny thing. Like I thought Peters was. was short for Patel. No. I thought that you said, fuck it.

I'm going to change it to a Hollywood name. No, no, no. You said you went to a Peters. But no, that's not the case of you. But later on, you did do a movie Meet the Patel's. No, something. You got a credit for it. Some TV shows.

I think some movie I probably put my name on it. I don't know if I'm in it all. Yeah, no, it's crazy. Oh, you know what? Yeah, I think I am in that one. So this whole time, I'm thinking your name is Rossell. Macelloni, fucking,

whatever that name is. Patel. And today I find out this whole different thing that I had illusions about you. You know? Russell Dominic Peters. Jesus Christ.

And you were raised Catholic? Raised Catholic. You still go to church? No, I'm an atheist now. Now you're an atheist. You don't, now when I say raised Catholic, church? And, you know,

for all the important ones, communion, confirmation, confession. And then you're like, you read the book and you go, okay, that's enough. How old are you? You said, that's it, I'm done.

I think when I was a kid and I was being church and I would look at everything in the church, and I'm like, it doesn't make any sense. It's really morbid for a kid to look at this. See, I thought a couple years ago I went to church and I saw a young couple with a child. And the child was unsettled. And I said, you know what? This is bullshit because that was me. Why are you here?

My mom used to force feed me on church. Oh, yeah. Why was I here? My mom was a whatever fanatic. Like, if you were dead, she would do something for you. So after my father died, she would drop in there. Like, we'd be in the city, and she'd go, let's go see the priest. And we'd drop in, and she'd give the priest like a 50 and a bottle of scotch.

And the priest would come out with a phony casket and put a ribbon over it, and they'd do like a quick fucking mass. And I believe that my father was in that casket. It was the creepiest fucking thing. Oh, yeah, it's very morbid. Sitting now. from a different angle and looking at it, that whole thing. But I got to tell you, man, I still believe.

Yeah, no, I don't. Fuck the pedophilia. Fuck all that other stuff. And what happened? Because when there's good, sometimes it's bad. I still believe there's something. I talked about this at Duncan the other day. I believe there's something.

There's a karma force. There's a Buddha. Go with that. Go with karma. There's something. There's something out there that makes you a couple, You know, it just makes you think about things. I have a theory that I think that whoever loved you when they were alive, when they die, the love can't be broken.

So whatever or whatever they're doing, however their spirit is or their energy is moving on or whatever it's doing, it stays connected to you. So are you spiritual? On a certain level, yeah. See, that I am. Yeah, on a certain level. Ever since I was a kid, I always knew my father was dead, but he was always close to me. Yeah, because he loved you. as creepy as it sounds.

And on Mondays, under Cuban tradition, I put out glasses of water. I have an altar for anybody who was my friend that died. I have a picture of them. I put water and light a candle. I pray every Monday for them. It's just something. It's called an ancestor altar.

Because I believe the same thing. I believe they watch over you. I don't know why. It's creepy and as crazy. You know, if it works for you, then I say it works. Yeah, if it worked for you, then fuck it. Yeah. So you grew up in Toronto.

Grew up in Toronto. Born of my favorite fucking cities. They love you there, dude. Oh, my God. You used to play Bollywood there? What was the name of the club up there? Oh, Yuck Yucks? No, there was another club.

Comedy Wood. Comedy would. No, I was a Yuck Yucks guy. Comedy Wood started way later. I started in 89. Yeah, yeah, Boris. Boris, the magician. Boris.

Tremendous. Yeah, we weren't allowed to play there. If you played Yuck Yuck Yucks, you weren't allowed to play comedy wood. Wow. Yeah, it's a different, like, I, you have to like sign like someone at a very low level signs with yuck yucks right and they can't do any other club

yeah I don't know if it's like an actual signature because I never signed anything but it's just understood they they'd sell to you like look if you work a burger king you don't finish your shift and go work at McDonald's after you know what I mean I was like that's how many clubs is yuck yucks have back in the day they were the largest chain of comedy clubs in the world all through Canada all through Canada

they had them in like Rochester New York and Buffalo they had them all All the border cities they had them, too. But that's subsequently gone. Well, you can't control that many comedy clubs. Yeah, no. Especially if you're not paying people properly. No.

I started in the late 80s, so, you know, it was like... You started comedy in the late 80s? 89. I started in 89. Really? Yeah. So how did I bump into you somewhere? I was just there.

I was around. Where were you? You started in New York? I started in Denver, 91. Okay. Went to New York. fucking 93 for about a 10-month stint. That's it.

Went back to Colorado. Said, fuck this shit. Back to Colorado developed until 95 went to Seattle. Met Yoshi, Josh Wolf, Brody Stevens. Brody was out in Seattle back then. Yeah, 95. And then there was, what's his name? The Black Comic from...

There was Ty Barnett. He came later. There was Darrell... Lennox. Yeah. Darrell Lennox was there. Because he would always be up in Canada, Daryl Lennox.

Yes, Darrell Ones was a Canadian dude. He was American, but he would always end up in Canada. Yes. He's the only American I know who got deported from Canada for staying in Canada too long. I'm like, are you in this business? You're in the wrong country if you're hanging out in the wrong country, bro. It's crazy how I used to get into Canada even in the early days. Like, I've only been to Canada three times, all of them for comedy.

All of them I got snuck and illegally. Really? before 9-11. You haven't been back since? No. Not even Montreal? Oh, no. No, they never wanted me

in Montreal at all. Oh, they're going to want you soon. No, they, now they want me, but I can't go. There's no way. What do you got? There's no way. I got everything.

I got herpes. I got VD. I got Connery. I got everything. I got a fucked up toe. You've got on a train in New York. There's always that homeless guy that's got everything.

Oh, yeah. I got herpes. I got hepatitis C. I'm deaf and one ear. I got shot in the leg. You just give me a quarter. And he smells like piss. Oh, he smells terrible.

In the old days, I used to have a friend in Miami that was a fucking door guy. He had a Puerto Rican girlfriend. I got along with him and her. And one day, we were talking about Canada. And she just told me right out, if you want to go to Canada, I'll get you into Canada. So I got a call from Roger Paul. And he goes, that club wants you to go up there for two weeks. Roger Paul.

That club wants you to go up there for two weeks. That comedy would. It paid shit. Oh, yeah. He lived on top of the bar one week, and you stayed in his brother's basement together, and his brother drove hookers at night. He waited up in the middle of the night. I got a hooker who just got shots.

You want to know if you want a half price on his blowjob. You know what? I just got an extra hole. Yeah. Fucking crazy shit. But you know what? Toronto was a beautiful fucking city. It's weird how they were way advanced in 97, 98.

They already had a delivery service for weed. I remember when the chronic tour came through Toronto in like 2000 or 99. And I used to sell weed back then. And I went and hooked up Warren G with some weed that night. You would DJ. No, I was still DJ. Yeah, I was doing comedy. I was DJing, but I used to sell a little weed to make some money on the side.

So he wanted weed. And I was like, I got you. I took him to the weed spot. Yeah, at that time had a girl. that came up to me at the comedy club the first night and she gave me a number and she goes if you got one weed they think it's dirty it's 35

I could be wrong but I went and did that the smoke the weed room the little one right in Toronto and I'm blanking on the name but the woman who owns it Puff Mama told me that was her probably she's never done the waitress at the comedy at the comedy club or something that comedy would

I don't know comedy wood was up at Young and Steels yes Yeah, young and state. And I used to walk over to Blount Street, Blah Street. Blur. And that was the best, second best strip club I've ever been at Lauer. It was the first best.

The one in Jersey, the one that you could stick a bottle in the chick's pussy. Oh, I see, you go to, if you go just outside the city in Toronto, you go to a strip joint, anything goes. Are you serious? Anything goes. Because that Blar Street, everything went. What we used to do is when I first started getting money and I was living here and I would go home every now and then, I had a fucking big, fucking, pocket full of money. I was young. I had a hard dick and no fucking dependents.

So we would go to the landing strip right by the airport. And I would get all my friends and we would get the VIP room, which is about the size of this place with two couches in it. And there'd be like eight of us and we get 16 chicks and they would call it vaganga because it was just pussy everywhere and every angle. You know, she's sucking off your friend over there, your finger in a while. She's sucking off your friend. My friend's making out this one chick and squeezing her tits. fingering her from the back and and uh he goes so what's your name she goes marisa and he goes get the fuck off me that was his mom's name oh my god fucking strip clubs what a disgusting i know now i call

them wants toots it's it's it's like i got out of them early like i got out of them early like i got out of my boxing coach took me to a strip club for the first time in like 87 the night of the Hagler-Herns fight. No, Hagler-Leonard fight. Jesus Christ. 86? 87, something like that. Yeah, my boxing coach took me and I was, I looked like a child.

In Toronto. Yeah, just outside of Toronto. How old were you? I was 16. No ID, no, no. He just walked in, yeah. Walked in, I sat down and we're going to watch the Hagler Leonard fight. And he paid the $10 cover to get us in because it was on closed circuit TV back then.

And, uh, and I was just, I'd never seen naked women before in my life. I just sat there fucking, like completely amazed. They're spreading wide open. I was like, this is incredible. And then the, they never got the fight. So people start throwing bottles and rioting in the place, but I didn't even notice because I was just staring at the shit on stage.

There's bottles flying over my head. I don't hear nothing. My coach sneaks out. He leaves to go to another bar to go watch the fight. I turn around. There's barely anybody left in the club. I walk out. and they give me $10 on the way out

they'd get nobody the money back. So I got the $10 and I walked back in the club from the front. I looked at some more pussy and I got another $10 on the way out. And then I remember I just jogged home and I remember being so happy. And I remember when I jerked off that night I could have fucking stuccoed my ceiling.

It was incredible. Oh yeah, you leave those places wound up. You walk home fast. Oh, yeah. I jogged like it was nothing. It was about a three, four mile jog, but I didn't feel nothing. If you dick gets hard at that age. You see it and you just get...

I remember one time I had this... In fact, my mother was still alive. So I had to be around 15, 14. And I had one of those bag jacks that, you know, the sperm don't come out. Right. Like you got so... Like, something happened like a chick showed you a tit.

Blue balls? It's like... There's something because my ball swore up. Oh, I never had that. I didn't know who to ask. So I woke my mother up at like 6 in the morning when she was on old. It's like, what do you want?

I'm like, Ma, look at my nuts. There's something wrong with him. She's like, what is wrong with you? Do you ask her in Spanish? Huh? You ask her in Spanish? Oh, yeah. I'll never forget she was asleep with her.

Can you just say it in Spanish the way you asked her? Me, like, I don't know. Because it was dark in the room. I go, myuela here, and she got up and she looked at it all weird. She goes, ah, no sense. Like, well, he'd help in medical. And whatever you said doctor to me,

whatever ailment I had went away. Yeah. You just busted a nut right there. All you got to say to me is doctor and the ailment goes away magically. It's fucking crazy. I don't like going to the doctor. You're like my daughter with medicine. Even at this age, I don't like going to the doctor.

My daughter will not take medicine. I go. He's a great guy. I love him to debt when I bring an iPod. Because if they're going to draw blood, I got to bring an iPod. I get mobile blood draws at my house. I did one today. They go into your house?

Yeah, they come to my house and do it. Oh, Jesus Christ. What are you laying on your house? your bed. No, I just sit at the dining table, give them my arm, they take it. And what do they do with the blood? They take it, they ship it back to where they got to ship it to. Oh, you do that like a physical at the house? Yeah, well, I do the, I do these

like every three months of mobile blood. They come and take blood. Why do you do that? Just to make sure I'm all right. So you do the checks. You don't do it for the other reason. No, no, it's due for the checks. See, I do it for the fucking changing of the oil. Yeah, well, I'm going to change the oil and make new blood. That's where the party starts. Oh yeah? You go sitting in an overdoor bed.

You get a fucking pint taken out. And you go sit in Novitor bed, get some Chinese, got to throw a couple needles in you. You get some new blood cells. That's why women don't die a heart attacks because they bleed every month. We're the only assholes that die a heart attacks because we don't bleed it out. But if we change that blood every six or seven months, you'd be tipped out. That's why Keith Richards is still alive. Yeah.

All those blood transfusions. A lot of needles in it. A lot of fucking needles. But you've got to be willing to do that. Should take a pint out every 60 days. Good to that. What do they replace it with new blood? But your body forces you.

You go to Morton's, you get the garlic mashed potatoes, get the chocolate cake. I'll see you on Wednesday. Just go home and let the fucking body recover. I'm going to do that. You get up and you start from scratch. I'm going to do that. They only take little fucking vials. They only took four of these days today.

You feel it? Nah. You feel like fainting at all? No, I'm not sensitive. They put it in the pump. They got the, they work. They just stick it in and just start shooting out. Oh, Jesus Christ.

They find the vein. in the go. After Portland, I gotta start going down there. December is my, kill your insurance money month. That's when the doctors are packed in December, because everybody's trying to use their insurance money. Right. So tomorrow I'll call, tomorrow, make an appointment for fucking Bob Hope Doep and go down there and get my blood taken. He wants to give me a

tetanus shot that's killing me. For what? Would you hurt yourself? No, but you got to take one. He said when you're 50, because you might get one of the night. I read one of the latest tweets. He said he said, He got a 10th shot three weeks ago. His arm still hurts. That doesn't help my cause. Yeah, no.

You're almost 56. Yeah, that means I'll go down. So you're six years late? I don't know. Did you do the prostate at 50? Yeah, I did it twice already. Second time for fun? You got to do it.

Yeah, I got two years. I'm waiting. Yeah. No, no, do it now. I'm 48 now. Rossel, go down. I'm not rushing in there. It takes five minutes.

They come up. They knock you out, right? They knock you out. Yes, they do. They do? Yeah, they're going to need to knock me. You're just getting in my ass. Oh, the camera. I thought you meant just the finger on the ass.

Me, I kept thinking when I was never knocking me out, I'm like, how are they going to flip me over? This is going to be tremendous. They got these three little Chinese dudes. You know exactly where to pull. They fucking, the dog, they send you back page by page of shot by shot of the camera going into the asshole. You see it start from an inch away. They should stick a camera in there now? Yeah.

There's no more finger. It's not a, the finger is the finger. You should be getting the finger now. How old are you? 48 yeah you should be getting the finger once a year now they stopped doing it for a reason something happened there's some sexual act of 1956 but it's been working since it's the fucking caveman stick that finger up my ass doc one time they stuck seeing you with blood and needles that's me with anything around my ass on dog you think i enjoy it you think i enjoy it you think i enjoy

i don't even use a fucking manhood i'm come from you have to cut the doctor tells you the cradle up in a ball and you feels your balls next to you know you feel something go up your ass you leave you you leave there you go you cancel the rest of the day yeah you just cancel the appointment i had ex-girlfriend we did a colonic once and then we got out of there we were fucking quiet as shit in the car yeah no no no no no i don't believe in nothing none that that that too but my it took me a lot but i had a friend who was fine in april and she was dead in november yes do you understand me because she wouldn't go she was 50 something or something and the overweight, you gotta go,

especially with this lifestyle. Today, fucking, your buddy called me, Eric. He's a gay friend of mine. I go, well, yeah, he goes, Arbys, I go, Arbys, that'll do worse damage to you than a 12-inch blank dick. You know, that Arby's horse riders, that's like black sperm from the 70s. That impregates you, that fuck's your ass. Long dong silver juice. Yeah, you ain't, that muscle ain't adjusted.

Arby's a fuck your assail over here. You're gang raped by the Warriors. You eat at Arby's. You're fucking done. You eat at Arbys. They don't even know what they do anymore. When I was a kid, it was roast beef. And that wasn't good.

Now they got Cuban sandwiches and ham sandwiches. You don't want to go to fucking Arbys. I don't think I've ever ever craved Arby's in my life. Never. I had no idea you were so against Arbys. Dog, I'm against all that shit. Firehouse, John, fucking even Jersey. I'm done.

I like Jersey Mike's. Jersey mice is tolerable, but for me, I gotta get the turkey. And Jimmy Johns. You like Jimmy Johns? I don't go to Jimmy Johns. I don't have Jimmy Johns where I go. You know which one I like that? I fucking one at the airport in Chicago.

Those ones they have in some places, they have them at the Addison Improv across the street. I was just there. The one across the street, they have them at Chicago. Is it a sub shop? Yeah, they put like peppers in it, and they have them at airports, and they run them through an oven,

and they have milkshakes. Quiznos, not quiz. I think Quiznos exists. Oh, which, which? No, one day I got to one airport, I was starving. I was fucking high as fuck, and I knew, I don't trust those fucking, that plain food. And they had one of those places.

I go, tell me you're making regular sandwiches. They're like, yeah. We'll make your regular sandwich. I was like, done. And let me get a vanilla shake the boot. They made me a vanilla shake at six in the fucking morning. Oh, I think I've had. this place too. Yes, you have.

Because I had the shake one day in the morning. It's in Chicago. Yeah, yeah, exactly where it was. I was, I hadn't slept. The main airport in Chicago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's right. It's in the fucking corner of like six. Yes! Yeah, I know the one you talk out there. It's right there on the corner. It's usually got a line. Oh, they got a tuna fish with peppercini's. But you don't want to eat tuna before you go on the plane. You can't take that type of chance. That's like you're on a pot by his chicken. You can't take that time of chance. You got a six-hour flight. Yeah, so it might ride on the fucking plane

Tuna makes you fart Well, you don't know What if it's bad tuning you got on a plane And you're sick from the fucking tuna That's true Turns into the movie airplane Yeah Who had the fish?

No, no, you don't want to do that You start coughing up eggs You want to be in that position Even in first class It's not the bathrooms aren't better It's not even if it's the first You don't want to be in that position Okay

Why would you put yourself in that position That's like eating fucking sushi from Rouse Before you get on the plane That's like eating sushi from Rouse anytime anytime you know what I'm saying you go to Ralph you see sushi eat it it's like when I go to Toronto my friends go you want to go for sushi I go there's no ocean around us where the fuck is this

this is in Toronto wanna go eat sushi no there's no and you know what I'm in there what the sad thing is it's probably really really good fish they get it it's gonna flown in every day I don't know I don't trust it no Canadian Canada likes to take a little shortcuts on that stuff really the price is too much you'll keep it for one more day

how's the sushi in Toronto I don't know I won't I don't want to find out really I hear good things but we live here or I can get good sushi. Okay. I'm going to go there and... What do you eat when you grow up in Seattle? In Toronto, what the fuck were you eat?

I would eat a lot of Jamaican food, which is just like Cuban food, a lot of rice and beans. What else is it? Oxtail. Love oxtail rice and bees. And a fucking jerk chicken, all that shit. Every goat? I don't like goat. Yeah, that seems like a weird one.

They make curry goat and I don't like it. I don't like carry, period. You son of it. That shit smell out so fucking bad. Now you gotta get the good stuff. You know, I don't like Indian food at all? I don't like even walking in there. What about butter chicken?

No, I don't want to walk in there. What if I brought you like the fucking best shit? I throw it away. I was like just taste it, Joey. I throw it away. I swear to guy. I hate all that fucking Thai food. No, no, no, no.

I hate all that shit. Coconut milk in my food. I hate all that shit. I don't mind coconut milk in my food. I don't like carry I want the smell of it What's the other one? Because it's like a thousand different curries

No no there's curry is curry It just depends on what meat you put in it Then there's all kinds of different stuff When I was a roof and estimated There was these Russian There was these Irish guys Scottish guys And that's all they fucking ate

Was No yeah because that's all like Chicken Vendaloo Oh and that shit's spicy Chicken Vendaloo They would talk about it And I would smell it in their clothes and I would go, you were over at that fucking Vendaloo place again, weren't she?

You little cock suckers. Don't come by my house. I used to get mad when they come over. When I was a kid growing up, like when I was a teenager, I would have to do the dash. Like if my mom was cooking, I'd have to make sure my bedroom door was closed because I didn't want to get in my clothes because I was going to go to a club. I don't want to be the fucking Indian guy that smelled like Indian food. So I was like real paranoid about it. So I would time it so that I would get in the shower, run straight out, get dressed and run the fuck out of the house.

I couldn't smell like the food. I can't do it. There's a lot of foods I don't eat. There's a lot of foods I don't eat, though. Really? You're very finicky. Very finicky. And you never think it.

You're like, Joey. What's your favorite Cuban food? I got a lot of different Cuban dishes, but I'm real picky on the Cuban food. Real picky on the Cuban food. You like your fried platinos? Yeah. I love that shit.

I like, I like. And the rice and beans? It's really weird. I've gotten this thing that I like different things from different places. Like when I was growing up, if you wanted to move from Betanpani Sal, I got a spot. Don't go in there and order the fucking chicken, whatever. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, it's like... This one makes this one good. That place makes that one. I had it down to a science when I was growing up in New York. Who had a good Cuban sandwich at night. Who had a good Cuban sandwich at 3 in the morning. Yeah. I had all that slants down.

I don't live there no more. Here, nobody's got good food. the fucking 10. And nobody's got to food at the fucking 10. Nobody's got good food at 10. And, you know, if you're starving after 11 here in L.A., you're eating a mouse.

You're done. Yeah. You know how many times I've gotten to Mortons and I've talked to that guy? Why don't you stay up until 1? And you keep the fucking bar menu going until fucking 1.

You know how much I would, you know how many times I'm hungry at 11? I'm not in the mood for a fucking 16 and steak. But I eat three little pieces of tenderloin with a piece of bruchette of bread. at a bar and have a drink with four guys after you do a podcast,

I would do that all day long. And then go with Cliffs, whenever I go visit my friend, they take to this place, it's like a piano bar. It's like, you know, it's a real heavy duty state joint. But 11 o'clock, Russell,

you go in there and get a shrimp cocktail. You get my carnated tacos. They call it something. They charge $18. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I just want to be able to eat and watch TV.

And I get really. really hungry at night and that's why I like to talk shit and eat you ever do that like talk shit and eat but now you can't do it like you go to casa vega at all casso vaguer is down the block from yeah yeah yeah on sunset there no no one on ventura every once in a while they got dark in there that's my beef in there is that you don't know i think i'm in a fucking uh i think i'm in a fucking uh looks like it looks like an old mob movie in there not yeah i think i'm in one of those i think I'm a man on fire. And he's going to come out from a other thing

and shoot me in the fucking head denton to Washington. You can't even look at the menu in there. It's fucking dark. And then it got closed for a health violation. I don't mean to throw it under the bus. No, no, I mean, my assistant goes there religiously. So I said, hey, they closed for a rodent

infestation. Is that what it was? And he goes, nah, they had like a little mice bar like, like whatever. I don't care. Listen, let me explain something to you. When I go into a place, you gotta be, we can't do business. And I'll tell you why. Because you gotta be a retard to fail that test.

You gotta be a retard to fail that test. It's not like a fucker. They don't walk in. They tell you. They call you and they tell you. We're coming down in six weeks. You got six fucking weeks to clean under the thing. And you still fail.

Sometimes you gotta read between the lines because sometimes you fail for stupid shit. Yeah. Like the temperature of the water, wasn't hot enough for there's always some in fracture there but when you you know I can't I can't deal with that they tell you they're gonna come

how can you not have an A rating see I don't know my parents are from a third world country so when I'd go to India as a kid I would eat on the street it didn't bother me well you got a stomach of a billy go like my friend I do you but I did get sick when I was there last time oh fuck yeah you're gonna but I was we were shooting a TV show and we were shooting in the slums and the biggest slum in the world

and it was like fucking I mean You see rats this big just running through the trits. Piles of trash everywhere. Just people living amongst piles of trash. Like big fucking piles of stinky garbage. What did Russell Peters decide to eat from the street? So what happened? At nighttime, when it gets dark, all these vendors show up.

And they turn on their deep, like they have hot oil and everything smells fantastic. And I'm like, fuck, it smells so good. I'm like, it's being cooked right in front of me. It's hot. I mean, how fucking dangerous can this be? Well, I found out, Joey. How dead? I had the fucking, I had the trots for two weeks.

What did you eat? I mean, I was eating whatever the guy was cooking right beside me. Oh. It tasted good going in. It helped me lose weight going out. When I was a kid, I had a bunch of friends that, right from high school, they got a hired at a place called Hunt Chemical. What was called?

Hunt Chemical. Mm. And Hunt Chemical, you know, you went in there and you breathe, whatever. In those days, nobody had a mascot. And they paid you good money. But the Klinger was that you signed up to travel, that was the thing. But the first stop they took you to the test your willingness was India. Really?

And all of them quit. Yeah, it can get you. And they all came back with horror stories. And these are Jersey boys that were tough. And I still remember the one guy's story that he moved there. he went to work and when he came home when he pulled up his car

he couldn't count how many rats were in front of his house like they were just scattering you got to pick the right place to live he said he went up to the chemical put him in there oh then they fucked him he said he went upstairs

he got his luggage and he went to the airport he didn't even make the fucking day like I still remember that story I don't like none of that stuff You could get some of that out there. You want me to tell you something, bro? I went to shoot a movie in Jamaica. Right.

And between you and me, I made them fire me on purpose. Yeah? Because I couldn't eat that food at the hotel. Did they not have you at a five-star? I just could not eat the food at the hotel. The chickens, when I was driving to the hotel. You see the chickens on the street? On the street.

That's why I don't eat meat in India. Listen to me, dog. I can't go internationally, but between you and I, there's reasons because I would drive people crazy. I don't like a lot of stuff I watched that one fag on TV the one gay guy that goes he's fucking ball sperm and all that dude

they catch a fish out of the ocean eats the eyeball that's great Andrew Zimmer that guy you better pay him every dollar he fucking deserves the bald guy right because yeah I wouldn't eat half this shit he eats yeah no I'm not I'm not playing the fucking guessing game out there

he fucking eats everything I cannot when I was a kid what's that bird guinea guinea chicken yeah guinea fow used to they use them for santa ria things yeah yeah right at the rear rituals and then afterward you cook it need it I wouldn't even touch that type of chicken like that brown skin chicken I don't like quail either my mother would go nuts I don't like quail I don't like pigeon no I don't like fucking I don't like fucking chadunkin I don't eat duck I don't like nothing. I like chicken, beef, lobster, shrimp. Fog or some pork? I'll fuck with some pork, but I got to look at the cook.

I got to make sure I'm looking at the cook. We have some cooks of deceiving. In Addison, Texas, one time I worked hyenas and the other. There used to be two hyenas. This was the dirty hyenas. Not for it worth, but the other one. And there was a guy outside bigger than Ralphie Mae, 600 pounds, that sold pork chops for a dollar, one underbring. his hands were filthy. Let me tell you something. I ate like six pork chops.

And I went home and should have got three more. That good. They were that good with the bow in them. And he put them on a piece of bread and you put Franks hot sauce on it. You have no idea. That grilled hadn't been cleaned in years. Yeah, that's what I say.

The dirty of the joint, the better the food. Yeah, the dirty of the joint, the other fucking food sometimes. It's more marinated. Yeah. Well, that's what I was going to say about B. I don't go in for like a chain. The only thing I'll do is some Asian food, like Chinese food,

like that's what I learned when I moved out here. That some Chinese food is okay. Where did you move from? Boston. Listen, if there's a bad restaurant, this guy will pick it. No, I... He says every dumpling is cat. If there's a bad restaurant,

he will pick it. Just on purpose. Just on purpose. What kind of bad restaurants do you like? He told me that when I go to Korea town and get dumplings, that all of its cats. Yeah, I don't fuck with that shit. Thank you.

Thank you. But there's Koreans in there. I don't give a fuck what they are. I don't give a fuck what they are. Listen, like I told you last night when we're doing it with whatever his fucking name was. When I go to Chance Dragon in, I know there's mice. I know I'm eating somebody's cat. I know I might be eating somebody's dog, but I go in there with the understanding.

You go in there thinking like that, oh, Anthony Bordane ain't there. That don't mean nothing. Somebody's cat is fucking missing. in fucking Silver Lake, and you're eating a fucking thing. If you take the shell off that dumpling, you will not know what's in that meat. It's mystery meat. It is gray.

It's like eating a hot dog. It's gray meat. It's like eating a wonton. You're taking your chances. Where are you eating them from? Ah, that's the story. Maybe I just trust people too much, but I can't think someone's going to put a cat.

There was everything in there. There's a thing called filler, Lee. Filler. You ever think about filler? Do you fucking do Coke or fucking whatever. They got to dope the fucking dish up. Talk to them. Where do you place, Russell Peters and one man?

Where do you go for Indian food then? Where should I go? Because I like Indian food. Indian food. I haven't found the right place out here. There used to be a place right down the road in Studio City called the Great India Cafe. And then they changed the name. I don't know if the food's still the same, but they changed the name.

It's right next door to a porn shop on Ventura, before lemonade in Studio City, before you get the jerry's. Okay. Same side. Cross the street. What do you get? You get the chicken teeka masala. Okay.

First you get a chicken biryani and then you order a side of chicken teakam masala. Then when your biryani comes, you take the chicken teakamasa gravy and you pour it all of your biryani. You like biryani. It's just fried rice basically. It's just rice with chicken baked into it. It's pretty damn good. Well, you put that fucking gravy on it. You're taking it to another level.

Okay. I love it. I think Joey might like that. No. Just the fucking look on his face was the best. You have no fucking idea. You have no idea. I'm one day a guy wanted to meet with me like a fucking script dude.

And they called me. They kept telling me they were going to meet at one place. Not the last minute. I got a text. That's when I had a text, a pager. And I pulled over and they told me that they were meeting at that place around the corner from Toy? No.

Toy, I'll go into. What's toy? Toy, I'll go in there and get the patty shrimp. I really like the patty shrimp. It's on sunset. It's open until four. But you got to take your shoes off. Right there, I don't like that either.

Right there, you got to take those filthy white people. No, not in Hollywood. I'm not going to eat fucking Thai food and then smell bad feet at the same time. So what happened with that page? What page? You got the page from them? I'm saying they changed the restaurant? They changed the restaurant to a fucking curry restaurant.

And I thought I wasn't going. They could not understand that I would not step foot in that. I can't smell that stuff. It drives me crazy. Ethiopian food, all that shit. I went for Ethiopian food recently. I didn't. No, no, no, no.

Even the Jamaican stuff does. I love Jamaica food. No, the jerk chicken. That should have made my asshole bleed. No, no. I don't like none of that shit. I love that shit. Ox tail is my favorite.

I like oxtail. my mom made it when my mom died mom she make it a stew like a brown stew no she made it like uh she chopped it yeah it was like a stew and it's really tender you got like uh she she made it real tender and you had frank's hot to us and no matter how old i was she let me drink a little bit of loan brow with it and she'd make white rice with red beans with the fucking hox tail and i'd pour the hot frank's hot and sucked the little tails off yeah yes it was fucking brilliant yeah I could taste in my mouth. My girlfriend just made it for me recently,

and she made it incredibly. She's Jamaican? Nope. Honduran. Oh, yeah, yeah, there. No third row motherfuckers. She made it. She never made it before in her life.

I just told us what I like, and she figured out the recipe. Really? And she made the rice and beans perfect. Real? And I had Jamaican, my Jamaican friends from Toronto were at my house at the time,

and they were like, yo, you sure she's not fucking Jamaican? This shit is incredible. That's good to get on the first try. Oh my God. She bought the big oxtails. Like you can fucking big chunks of meat. She didn't buy the little bullshit ones.

You know you get the little bullshit oxtails? She bought the big fuckers. Russell Peters, you don't fuck around there. No. There's no fucking around here, Joey. I read your inspirational quotes every fucking morning. It's time to wake up and grab life by the balls and kick it in the cock, you cucks. You got to get them going.

That's why I tell myself every morning. So why not spread the fucking... I read it and I go, you know what he's right? You know, it's fucked up, what you feel like in the morning. You know, like, with the stages of your life, what you felt like in the morning. When you were a kid, you hated waking up for a while. No, I still hated it.

Then you get up because you had to watch cartoons at a certain time. Then, you know, the summer would come, and then you were forced to get a job. Like, I was one of my first fucking jobs was getting up at three in the morning when I was around eight, maybe seven. They go get flowers in New York City. My stepfather had a side business shop.

And we would get up at four, maybe, 4.30 in the summers, four, three times a week. That was brutal. I had to deliver newspapers on the weekends. Saturday and Sunday edition in my neighborhood. And I'd have to wake up fucking, like five in the morning because you'd have to put them together. Yes.

Yeah, put them... Because they would send you the inserts earlier in the week, so you'd get the entertainment section and the TV guide, and then they would deliver the fucking the front page and everything that morning.

Then you'd have to get up, put it all together, and then deliver it. So people would have it for their morning breakfast. I was 11, 12 around then. And you ate it again. I'd fucking hated it.

What time do you get up now? As late as possible. Really? Yeah, if I can get up around... Shit, if I can get out of bed, two o'clock i'd be very happy with that but i'm up around noon now what time do you go to bed i try to go to bed early but i was fuck it up somehow sometimes i'm trying to jerk off and i can't i'm not going to sleep till i get that nut fucking 4 30 when i'm dozing off still trying to get at it

you know you watch tv at night no not even i go on the computer i go on the computer i watch uh watch a lot of uh science shit on the computer do you have uh insomnia by no no no I can fall asleep I just something stupid inside me goes no hold on this is gonna miss something stay awake for a second and then I wake myself back up and the minute I wake myself back up or say I fall asleep nice quick and easy perfectly and I'll have a laptop open then I'll just open my eyes to close the laptop and that's it I'm awake again now when you do your world tours you get up at 12 also when I'm on tour I would do I wake up as late as but if it's show day I won't leave my hotel

room. I'll wake up around 3.34 o'clock. And then I'll be all right. I'm fresh for the show. I'm good. And what time do you go to bed the night before? Three, two, three, you know? When does your next tour start? I'm still on tour. I just got the month off.

So I get back out on the road in January. And what is this tour take you? How far deep is the fucking craters of the world? Well, it would start back in America January, February. And then late February, we head out to the Middle East and India. And then May,

so late February, March, April, I'll be in Middle East and India. And then in May, I'll do Africa. In July, June and July, I'll do some more American dates. And I think we'd pack it in. That's it. Taping my new special in March.

We're at. In Mumbai, India. No shit. Never been done. So I'm going to do it. Fucking tremendous, Russell Peters. They got to do it. never been done i want to be the first guy to walk on that moon good for you man what is mumbai india

i love it it's one of my favorite new york's my favorite and mumbai is my second what is it like what does it have what's the appeal of it i don't know it's just alive you know it stinks sometimes like what depends on what time of year it is it could smell like fuck because there's an ocean right there and sometimes the fishermen have just pulled in a big hall and it's so hot and humid that the fucking city smells like cunt and asshole but I love it drugs no not really it's not it's not it's not it's not eat outball strip clubs what's the there everything is there if you want it food food is incredible there what kind of food it's Indian food you know but everything's good there I mean but beef is now illegal they've made beef illegal in in Mumbai

so you can't order beef in a restaurant can't get it or it's got to be like shh I'm here. Yeah, basically. It's like beef dealers. What do you want? You want to go? I go to. You want one ounce?

And what's the population of Mumbai, India? Mumbai's population is about, can you figure this one out? And how big comparison? Well, India's population is 1.3 billion. Right. That's what I'm saying. And Mumbai is one of the biggest cities, if not the biggest city. And you've done comedy there before.

Yeah. And it's just been tremendous. It's been always amazing for me. I always managed to get in trouble when I'm there. Like from my mouth, I say something. They ask me about something and I just tell them as I see it or hear it. And then I used to people who are like in the spotlight being honest and real. So it kind of throws them off guard.

Do you speak Indian? No. I understand most of it. I would say I understand about 60%. I think I understand more Spanish. How big is comedy in India now? It's now very big. Huge.

Yeah, now it's very big. When I first started going over there, it didn't exist. I was the one. And then YouTube. I think it's $22 million. That's it. That's what it's saying, yeah. But that's in one city.

Yeah, just in Mumbai. Yeah. What's next to it? Another place, I don't know. Somewhere else. And there's Mumbai theater or? No, it's, I end up having to do. Yeah, there's an indoor arena I did, an indoor stadium,

and then I did an outdoor one once. The outdoor one was a trip, though, because we had to have fans blowing at me the whole time because of the insects. Because the lights attract all the insects, and you would look, and the fuck, it would just be, the lights would be covered with insects just swarming at the light. And then I would need the fans on me to blow them away from me so that they wouldn't fucking get in my mouth while I'm doing my show. I'm sure to the fans, industrial type.

Yeah, big fucking fans. And I felt like Beyonce on stage, my fucking clothes are blowing away. But it's necessary. When they were setting up that gig, it was funny. A wild boar ran through the fucking while they were setting up they're chasing this wild boar through this field. That is crazy, Doug.

I don't know how the fuck you do it. When they do the field, it makes you nervous because there's fucking snakes out there. There's cobras, there's pythons, there's all kinds of crazy shit. You don't want that crawling up on you while you're fucking doing somebody sitting out there and joining the show and bam, you know.

That is crazy. You thought these, you thought a fucking show at Oceanside was hard. Yeah. Oh, my God. A Samoans throw a knife at you and shit like this. A wild boar. A wild boar running through. We have a picture of it somewhere.

I should send it to you one day when I find it. And when you go, and where else do you go in Africa? Africa, we're doing South Africa, Kenya. I think we might do Tanzania. We're going to be doing Nigeria. Possibly Ghana. And you've done all these before. No, I've only done South Africa and Kenya before.

I did Djibouti years ago with the USO. Jesus Christ. Got to get out there, man. It's a big world we live in, Joe. And if you weren't so goddamn finicky, I'd take you with me. I'm scared. I'm scared shitless. It's crazy how finicky I am.

In these hotels, I'm telling you, in these other countries, like in these so-called third world countries, their fucking five-star hotels are better than anything you've ever seen here. Food, spotless, tidy, everything. Service. Service. Incredible. Yeah.

We don't know nothing about customer satisfaction. No, no. It's a phone call. Different level. I had a butler in one of my sweets in Mumbai because I had a suite so they gave me a butler. And I wouldn't see him. I would be like, look, and I go, what the fuck did he go? And I would just be like my crew and I would be sitting there go,

you want to go eat lunch? like yeah let's go eat lunch and then and then before i could even say his name he'd just pop out of nowhere like shall i make a reservation and you're like yeah where the fuck were you it was pretty wild like in mr deeds remember mr deeds the guy would just show up out of nowhere wasn't it john to to tour yeah it was john that's fucking crazy do all those great cities how long is the flight um probably about 20 hours you break it up you go i usually i usually go L.A. to Dubai, Dubai to wherever I need to go to because I fly with Emirates.

You fly Emirates first class, it's going to change your life. No shit. They have a shower in first class. A bathroom's about the fucking size of this room in first class. For yourself. For yourself.

You go in the bathroom. I get buck ass naked. The floor's heated. You can stretch out. You know what I mean? It's fantastic. Jesus Christ. How long is the flight to Dubai? Flight from here to be.

to Dubai is about what maybe 14 hours that's nothing and you you actually don't want the flight to be any shorter because you'd be like uh-uh this is fantastic you got a bed you got a door on your suite they give you pajamas order whatever you want whenever you want they give you the menu go let us let us know whatever you want whenever you want we'll make it for you and the food's fantastic and you fly right into Dubai fly into Dubai you go into the lounge you take another shower if you want and And then Dubai, you connect the Indian and all those other places. Amazing. You just live your own fucking life, Russell.

It's fantastic. You know, I have on tour with me in Canada just now with Jason Collings. He was killing it. You know Jason. Yes, yes, yes. It's hilarious. So you just finished a Canadian tour. Just finished Canadian tour.

And how long was a Canadian tour? Three weeks? How many nights a week? It was every other night and then on the last week was like five in a row. Ben, bam, bam, bam, bam. Jesus Christ. Yeah. And you're fucking tight by that time.

Oh, yeah, you're good. But there was something I had by the second last show, I skipped a whole chunk out of my act because I wasn't sure if I'd done it or not. That's what happens. You do two shows in one night. Not even, but it was like back-to-back shows. So it was like, oh, shit, did I do it?

Oh, shit. It was the next night, but I was like, and then I look at my DJs on stage. I looked at him and they looked at me like, you forgot something. I was like, okay, good. All right. And then I just put it at the end.

And you're on stage with a DJ's, also yeah I got my two DJs on stage two DJs yeah one plays instrumentals the other one plays Acapellas and they mix together live they don't practice they just do it the jam they just jam up there and then you go up there and do your thing yeah for how long hour and a half I do hour 20 Jason goes up to 20 I do an hour 20 hour and a half sometimes and you're on the road constantly you don't go back home no I just got I just came home Wednesday and I'm leaving again Thursday It's what we do. It's what we do, Joe.

Crazy. It's what we do. How long have you been doing comedy? About a year. It's what you will do. Yeah. I've been doing it 27 years. Fucking nine years ago,

seven years ago, I was just going to quit. It comes to that point at all, every time. I was just going to do local comedy, act, and go on the road to Rogan. That was my plan.

That was it. I didn't want to go to the funny bones. They didn't want to do none of that shit. I didn't want to do all of Rogan's dates. But I didn't mind doing a couple of them. Some of them are fun. My first introduction to you was the longest yard. Really?

Yeah. And I was like, wow. And I thought it was Vincent Pastor. Yeah, everybody did. I was like, hey, fucking big pussies in this. And then I say, Joey Diaz, wait a minute. That's Joey Diaz? Because I had heard your name.

I hear Coco Diaz. And I was picturing a little guy. You hear Coco, you think of a little guy. No, no, no, no. I was Coco because of the color of my skin. I was so white when I was a kid. Right. Compared to the rest of my family.

So I said I was white like the inside of a coconut. Ah. So the name stuck and the rest is fucking history. My ex-girlfriend's father was Cuban. She's Cuban to Salvadorian, but she was only identified with the Cuban side. And his name growing up was, uh, the fuck was his name. Because he had blue eyes and blonde hair. Yeah, they call you.

Rubio. Rubio. Yeah, they call Rubio. Where were they from? Miami? No, from here, from the Valley. The Valley. You're a fucking animal of a guy, dog.

And all this started how? When did the sensation start? Started in 2004. I did a special in 2003 that aired in 2004. So, 2000, from February, 2004. I don't know what you're doing comedy. that 15 years 15 years yeah so i uh i do this show at depaul university on in february of 2004 11 people come they pay me 700 bucks and i'm thinking fuck it's a lot of money i feel bad you know but i did the show

i did did did a good show they enjoyed it and then the special aired like that night in canada and somebody recorded it and started file sharing it like it like on bear share or lime wire, you know, and that kind of shit and all the file sharing rooms and started getting cut up into bits of like, here's him doing Jamaicans, here's him doing Indians, here's him doing Chinese, here's him doing this, and then it would just get chopped up and sent to the people who I'd be talking about. So then you cut to November of 2004, I go back to Chicago and I sell out three nights at some theater and I made like 40 grand and I'm like, What the fuck just happened?

I was just here like nine months ago and I couldn't sell a fucking, I couldn't give a ticket away. And I knew something was happening. And then in 2000, June of 2005, YouTube starts. And then my shit ends up on YouTube and it was over from there. And I still, to this day, don't know who did it. I don't know who put it on there.

Ain't that trippy? And they tell you, here's the part that you can appreciate. My dad died. March 2004 and right after my dad died is when all the file sharing started. And I mean, and so it's like some, like I said, the people that love you, I think they could pull a string or two on the other side. You know what I mean? Like, you know, they see you coming and they just got,

no, no, they go this way, go this way. You know, they don't do much. They just kind of just push you a little bit so you end up going in the right direction. But from YouTube to sell them out the H-2O in Toronto. The, uh, whatever the fuck of this. It was the Air Canada Center than the Scotia Bank Arena now. Like, how does that fucking happen? I sold out seven times now.

I'll show you the, I'll show you the picture. You don't like this. You don't follow me on Instagram, Joe? I don't know nothing about nothing. You don't me, though. This was two weeks ago. And that's how many people in there, 20? 15,000.

15. So this last time you did that, how many shows did you do on that? Just one. Just one. The first two times. I did the Air Canada Center. I did it two nights in a row. Twice.

And then I scaled back then to one. One and then another one now. So I was doing once every time. Every time. No, when you're at the county store today in the main room, and there's 450 people in there, and you've just done $15,000 that's Saturday night. What are you feeling in your head?

What are you feeling? This time I was very relaxed. All the other times I was nervous. I was in my head, you know, I don't want to this, that. I was very relaxed this time. I was always questioning my material before. Is this going to be good enough? Is that going to be good enough?

And now I'm, like, very confident with it. It's like, I know I got a good product and I know you're going to like it. So fuck it. Let's just do this. Are you one of those guys that write stays home for six months? No. I get on stage and just spit until I like it. And then once you have an hour, then you take it out.

Yeah. Okay. I'll go do a club run when I'm trying. on the right. I'll go do like fucking three, three weekends, six or eight shows a weekend with nothing. And then by the end of the thing, I've got about 25, 30 minutes.

And what clubs do you go to? Whatever. I'll go to places where I don't usually go, so I'm out of my comfort zone. I'm like, you know, you got to be uncomfortable. You need to be uncomfortable to make yourself comfortable. I believe in all that stuff. Yeah. I believe with all that stuff. See, I'll go to like, they're

not bad rooms by any means. I'll go to Charlie Goodnights start riding there you know i could have like places where so they don't really give a shit if you're there you're not going to really sell out these places you know what i mean really you'll have a hard time sell them out but like it's not guaranteed that's crazy yeah i don't want the easy i don't like the easy road it's not you don't learn anything that way what do you mean by the easy road i mean going where you know you're going to kill what are you going to learn It's like training with guys you know you can beat. What's the point?

You're not getting better. You're just doing what you know. I mean, you've got to challenge yourself all the time. When I first got here, I was very lucky that the first month I became a regular at the store. But like everybody else, you have to do spots everywhere else. Yeah. You have to go to the empire. You have to go to the Mexican bar in Silver Lake.

You got to go to the Mexican place and buy King Taco off the five. Oh, yeah. But then you find where you specialize it. So you did the Comedy Works in Denver then back then, right? I started the Comedy Works in Denver. Yeah. That's the Downtown Club. I love that club.

First time I got on stage was at the Comedy Works in Denver. And then I pursued it, and then I got banned for life. From the Comedy Works? And that's what made me leave Colorado. Now they're not banned anymore? No, now I'm not banned. But it was funny because I bumped into her. and we spoke from the heart.

Like I hadn't spoken to her since the banning. She was the manager? Wendy was the owner at the time. And I didn't get banned. I got banned because of a... It wasn't Lee going to you and going, Joey grabbed my ass. Right. It was you going to me and going,

hey, I saw Joe Rogan grabbing Lee's ass the other day. Then when they called the girl, the girl, because I don't know if he grabbed my ass or not. You know, we were all drinking. The manager pushed it. And they said, you know what? Let's just ban him. That was the easy thing.

It was the best neck of that happened to me. In retrospect. Where I was at that point, I was two weeks away from getting arrested. Yeah. In retrospect, if you really look at it. I was six months away for going to jail for 10 years. I was about to do something stupid.

I didn't know what. It could have been anything. It could have been driving with cocaine in the car. It could have been me stabbing. and my ex-wife's boyfriend. He could have been an arrange of things. And she came to me and said, you're banned for me.

And I had two options. I had the two other clubs, which no disrespect, total garbage at the time. You're working with shit. And then there was another club in Colorado Springs that wasn't burning down the house either. So I said,

at least let me go to a market where there's a good club. And for me, it was the comedy underground in Seattle at the time. That was a great club. A lot of people Mitch was there, right? Mitch was there, a lot of people. Stan Hope was there, a lot of people up there.

That's a great place. And they used to book it out of San Francisco. So San Francisco had a great comedy pool. Oh, yeah. So you were featuring for great people when you were up there, you know? Did you work with Jake Johansson back then? I have not worked with Jake.

You know, I took Jake on tour with me on this tour as well. No, you did not. I sure did. I took them to Australia. I took him to Asia. I took him to. One of the best writers in the game. He's amazing.

One of the best comics in the game. You know, what a lot of comedians don't understand that, that one time you're going to be very relevant. Yeah. And then there's going to come of time when you're not relevant anymore. Oh, yeah. It's not because you're not funny. Yeah.

It's just because the tides aren't with you anymore. Yeah. There's nothing you can do. You're always going to have your 50 to 100 per show diehard fans. Right. But that mania, that was once. Oh, yeah. One day is no longer going to be there.

Most guys quit. Most guys have nervous breakdowns. I talked to Jake via phone one day. In fact, we spoke about him coming on the podcast. Oh, yeah, he wants to do it. He's training jiu-jitsu now, too. Is he really? Yeah, he's training with Hanato.

I did. Enato Magno down there. Is he really? I was down there a couple weeks ago. Yeah, I got him into it. He was asking me about it, and I said, yeah, you got to, you should just do it. You're going to love it. Jake's a great comedy writer.

Let me tell you something. I learned a lot. He's phenomenal. From watching that guy. You watch that guy and it's like a knife cutting through butter. That's the way to describe his comedy. Yeah.

It's like a hot knife cutting through. Does he still have the record for Letterman appearances? He probably does. He does. I used to tape him. You too. I used to tape him. I used to watch him.

I was a fan. I was like, fuck. I would watch him live at the Comedy Works. I think I paid to watch him. Yeah. Rogan always says he paid for see Sam. I think I paid to see Jake Johanson when I was still an open micer.

I paid to see Eddie Murphy in 86 and Chris Rock in in 2000 and Carlin. I paid to see some people. Now you were tight with Carlin. No. I met him twice in my life. Where did you bump into him?

First time was in Toronto in 1992 when the Blue Jays had won the World Series. Were you doing kind of? comedy that i was doing comedy i was three years in and where'd you bump into everybody was parting up and down the street man young street in toronto i was 22 i was like a punk-ass kid and i'm walking up and down the street everybody's having a great time and i see this old guy with a ponytail walking towards me and i'm being a smart ass look at my friend and go holy shit this guy looks like george carlin and he walks past me and he goes how you doing george i'm just being a dick how

he doing george and he goes how you doing kid and i was like holy shit and i ran after him it was really him I walked him back to his hotel I gushed over him like Oh man And if you want Indian food My mom will cook for you Anything fucking anything And he said

He gave me his autograph He gave me some advice And then he said Hey maybe one day we'll work together He goes hey you never know Kid this crazy fucking business And then I work with him Ten months before he died

Where at? Comedy Magic Club I got to host He was getting set He was getting his new set together for HBO Did you remind them? I told the whole story when I introduced him, I got all glassy-eyed, chin quivered.

It's horrible. It's horrible. People like that do that type of shit. It's horrible. I was fucking so emotional. And I cried when he died. You have to. Yeah.

You have to. It's not a lot of people, but some people get you. They do. They really do. Like, I remember being a king going, I can't wait. I can never imagine a world without Charles Bronson. Like, when Charles Bronson died, I fucking cry. Like, like two minutes.

Yeah, like it was no big fucking deal. Like, I shed a tear. Like, when I watch Rocky and he wins at the end. Yeah. I shed a tear, you know, just because you get emotional. You get, I got sucked in today at the pool. Today I took the kid to the pool. When we were at the pool, I thought about something.

And my wife looked at me, she caught me wiping my eyes. She goes, what is it now? You know what it is? We get older. We get more fucking sentiment. No, I've always been one of those, do you. Really? I try to fight it.

I hate when it happens, like, you know, Like a fight, like when a fight happened, when watching boxing, like, I remember when Bernard Hopkins won, became the oldest person to win a title. I think it was like 45 or 46 when he won like a light everywhere title. He beat Tito something? No, he beat Tito's before that, but he, and I remember crying when he won. I was like, I don't even know Bernard. I don't know I'm crying.

I just was overwhelmed for him. I was like, what a great moment in life, you know. It's weird what makes me cry. It ain't it's the weirdest thing Yeah it's not things that are supposed to make you cry No it's like happy moments make you cry Like seeing somebody win makes me cry But it's not sad

It's like I'm happy for them I get overcome with emotion The worst is when you think you're going To cry a lot And you don't And then you start doubting your love Or whatever Have you ever had that situation

Not even 10 days ago One of my old-time favorite cats died Who His name is Jimmy. I had a cat. Oh, a cat, actual cat. I thought you'd want to the cats you grew up with. For 14 years, he was just a smart, devious little douchebag of a cat. Like, he was just a fucking scum. I love cats, too. I loved this motherfucker with all my heart. And I got home from New York, and as I was all in the luggage, I looked at him on the couch, and I knew. Because the whole time,

his brother had been sick. His brother's got sick. cancer. But his brother's been gaining weight. We got him back on steroids. The brothers is tough as nails. I kept saying, you know what? I hate for it to be the seat because if Harry goes, they're litter mates. I go, Demmy's going to lose his mind. The whole time I'm thinking about Harry, I get back from New York and I tell my wife, there's something wrong with Demi. He's getting fucking fat. And my wife touched him and he me out. and we knew something wasn't right.

The next day he hid, once they start hiding, you know, it's not good. So we took him to the vet on Tuesday, and they said he was really in bad shape. Well, lucky we brought him when we did. He was having problems breathing. And that day, I got on my hands and knees on him on the floor. You know, his back was to me. He was so proud, and he wanted to die in peace that he went in the cage head first. like he didn't want nobody to see him in that show.

The cats didn't want to be around him. He finally came on his own, and I kept talking to him, and he came closer to me, and I started talking to him, talking to him, talking to him, just saying how good of a cat you were, you were my friend, how many nights like I come home, and I smoked pot with you, and then we played that stupid game, and at one point he wasn't moving. And like he was just staring onto the abyss. And he was breathing heavy.

So he was puffing. And I said something to him, bro. And he turned his head towards me like that. Like for me to kiss his head, I kissed him. I cry a little bit. I got up and I said goodbye. And my wife put him in the cage. She cried all the way to the car.

And that was it. And I cried a little bit later. And two days later, I was like, I didn't cry enough. And I'm like, that's bullshit. When you see people cry real fast as bullshit because nobody, you're in shock. Yeah. You don't even realize until he's dead three months.

That's when it really hits you. When my mother died, it didn't hit me for five years, four years. How old were you when that happened? 16. Oh, damn. And I went off the rails at 21. I mean, it was two different worlds. The realization that you're not going to see anybody again.

You know, today I went to call you and I, when I popped up, Ralphie. I still have his phone number of my phone. Yeah, same. You know, you as a human being, they're dead, but they're still alive in your heart. Yeah, Ralphie would stay at my house in Malibu when you would come back down. Yeah, yeah.

And I still have his number in here and it's like, it hasn't even hit me. In my world, he's probably on the road. Yeah, when somebody told me about Ralphie, I called him. I don't know the fuck I was, I was just hoping he would answer, you know? Well, we always do that. Yeah, I was like, please come on answer the phone, please. Every time I hear somebody dying

I call them, please answer the phone I think I called them too Let me know this isn't real As soon as he called me I called Same with Patrice I was like please answer the phone Patrice Call me a fucking asshole or something You know what I mean

Tell me I'm not funny Do something that you do Yeah like that's I don't think your mind Like I saw the video And I hate bringing this up Because it's really bad But the video

Of the black kid that got shot In Mississippi The mistake the guy that was a soldier with them all the one who stopped the shooter and got shot at the press conference

it's always the fat black lady who faints why do always fat black people always faint blood pressure she just fainted like six black dudes trying to hold all of them Tarzan's

not one of them could hold his 400 pound behemian she had a little bonbon on her head and shit the bun I mean. What was the point of this story? I have no idea.

Why black people always faint during a funeral. I've got up to a thousand funerals. Nobody ever fainted. You know what I'm saying? Oh my God. I hate fucking funnels. I hate all that shit because that's where the real falliness comes out. Yeah.

When my mother died, I learned a big experience. So those four days because there was a Cuban funeral. So they keep you alive in the casket for four days. they just keep throwing fucking that dust from Haldahide dust on you have to maintain you so you don't stink

that don't bury it and the arm pops up I think they break the reed did you know that they've got to break your spine what they break your spine during the fucking whatever so you don't pop up in the oh they were ring a mortis or whatever

yeah oh wow I didn't know that part well Jews go in the next day huh Jews go in immediately within like 24 hours they go they get burnt buried yeah Muslims too. Really?

You guys are the same. Oh, okay. Yeah, Cubans, they'll keep you in the room for a week. Yeah. Until you start kicking. They're drinking and doing food. One of my coffee, Capone. Putting food in your fucking casket.

When they picked my mother up, there was an extra hundred pounds of bottles. Like everybody kept putting bottles of pinching there. She probably got buried with an ounce or two of Coke. I remember being like being a Coke fiend. How old was your mom? 48. Damn. My age.

People were putting coke inside the fucking casket. She was partying back then. Yeah, she was partying. So people were putting coke inside the casket. You don't know how many days I sat there thinking of digging her up. Oh, no. Like one night I was like, if I dig her up, she's got an ounce is still good. That's a little creepy green hand and shit.

Thank God he didn't. Can you imagine if you done that? Using your razor blade to get the dirt out of the coke. Fucking embarrassing, God, please fucking help me. You know, it's just really weird, Russell, that. and I can tell you this to your face not one person has ever said a bad word by you like this is why it was important for me to get you on the show

and talk to you a little bit to just get to know you like I didn't I never Wikipedia did you till today and I was an education I've heard that you pop up at places and DJ yeah like I've heard this but I didn't know for sure oh yeah yeah I thought you would just fucking copy Anzianzari or something like that because it's like a fake fucking DJ I'm the first guy you're the first guy

understand something I did everything first. You did everything first. I was boxing from 85 to 94. Were you really? Yeah. I was DJing from 85 till now. I've been doing comedy since 89.

The boxing amateur? Amateur. You get beat up? Oh yeah. You love it though? I loved it. I had Lennox Lewis and I were amateurs together. No.

We've been friends since like 86. Very long time. Up there in Canada. Yeah. You've had a very interesting... Yeah. When I was home recently, I found a picture of me and Lennox in like 96 or something because he came to my show again a couple weeks ago and I was in

Toronto and uh but I found this picture of him and I like this so this is him and I like last two weeks ago right wow and uh then I found this picture of us from like 96 and his fucking you guys you guys's fist it's ridiculous it's the reason why he was heavyweight champ literally made my you know I don't have a small I got a pretty big fist for a smaller guy I don't know if I'm a smaller guy, but look at the size of his fucking fist compared to mine. It's looking like, I look like a child. That was a long fucking damn ago. He was huge.

Yeah. He was huge. And look, I got a big fist. Yeah. What's worse? Bombing or getting punched in the face? Bombing. Oh my God.

That was not going to be my guess. Some seven years older than you. Yeah. So I'm musical taste. Very similar. Really? From rock to disco. Love disco.

To hip hop to hip hip. Hip-hop. Did you watch Hip Hop Evolution on Netflix? No. It's a documentary series. Is it good? I executive produced it. So, we won a Peabody and an Emmy for it.

How long has it been on? It's on season two right now, but it's four episodes each season. You'll love it, especially from being from New York. Yeah, yeah, it starts in 82. It starts in 72. That's when you trace it back to it. Yeah, we go back to Cool Herk coming to America from Jamaica. And then we go to when he's,

through the first party at 15, 1520 Cedar, Cedric Avenue in the Bronx. And that's what spawned hip hop that night. No shit. Yeah. You take it that deep. We'll go right to, right back. Because I was right there for the disco,

hip hop. Yeah. Infusion. Did you go to Studio 54? At the end. Yeah. Not when it was. Nile Rogers and I are good friends.

Okay. And I'm legal, not legally. I'm officially Sheik's official DJ. So remember Sheik? Fuck. I DJ with them on stage. One of my favorite fucking songs is the Sheik Shear.

Oh yeah. Doodoo do, do, do, do. I'm in the fucking eighth grade. I'm a freshman maybe. Mm-hmm. Eight grade freshman. I'm a basketball kid. Like, I'm a basketball guy.

Were you tall already then? No, but I had good legs. I could jump. I was a good rebound. I could grab the rim in the eighth grade. And I could barely dunk it. My neighbor, it was nine foot instead of 10 inches. It was 10 feet.

It was 9 feet, 10 inches. Right. And I could barely hit the ball, like my freshman year, like, when it hit off the rim, I could jump. So I went to see my high school against this whole Boken, just sensational team. Rank number two in the state behind Camden. Forget about Camden. Camden was like fucking everybody was six foot eight already. Yeah.

They didn't fuck around. They played down there by Philly. It's a Philly neighborhood. Yeah. And I'll never forget that my high school went into Hoboken. And Hoboken not only led the county and wins, they led the county and slammed dunks in high school. They had a junior and a senior at that time. This is 79, 80.

Yeah. When is Sheeshire come up? 78. That's the hour. Yeah. Might have been 77 even. North Bergen came out to like, you know, boy, I was born a rambling man. Yeah.

And the lights went down. And all of a sudden, Hoboken came out to Sheikshir. Do do, do. And the guy that was a slam dunk guy was juicy. And he came out with a tomahawk fucking slam dunk. Who tomahawked in high school? Nobody fucking tomahawked in high school. In fact, one of the great covers of our time that nobody talks about is a cover of, uh,

I can't remember his name of him on Sports Illustrated. You know what the Tomahawk is? No, when you come from, I can't even know. When you come from here and go like that. Yeah, over your head. And there's one of the covers of Sports Illustrator. I had it on my wall. I forget who the player was.

Not Dr. Jay? No, it was a college basketball player. He was a fucking college fucking sensation. Never went pro? Yeah. Yeah. Seventy-eight. 77. He was a

Razorback. His name was he was a, not an Arizona razorback, but the other one. Fuck. You got to see this cover. Of him about the Tomahawk, he's taking off, and you can see the players on the bench, like

getting up, like with their towels in the hand, like, no, he's not going to do it. It's fucking tremendous. But anyway, then it came out to Chick Shea. I didn't know that you were friends with, how long have you been friends with fucking Sheik for? For Nile? Nile and I have been friends about,

so about eight years now. And how did you meet through the music industry? Yeah, well, he was a, turned out he was a fan. And I was like, what? Now Rogers is a fan of mine. How the fuck did that happen? That doesn't make sense to me. I bought every record this man did

from fucking David Bowie to Madonna to Steve Winwood to the B-52s, everything he ever did. What did they do, Steve Winwood, 83? 85. He did when you see a chance. Okay. No, no, he did higher love. Higher love.

Yeah, he did higher love. Who sang when he went on high love, Chaka Khan? Maybe. I don't know. I don't know that Shaka was on that. I went to go, you know, so you found it? Oh, no, I'm looking for it. I can't, I'm nothing popping up yet.

We do this thing where I have my turntable set up with the band, and now stands in front of me and plays the guitar lick for La Freak. So I'll show you, I'll show you the rehearsal. video if you want. Look for Razorbacks. Famous Razorbacks. Okay. What's a Razorback? I don't know where the fuck. Kentucky. Arkansas

Arkansas. Famous Arkansas basketball players. And it'll tell you his fucking name. What's Arkansas? What are they? Razorbacks. Okay. Yeah, Razorbacks. So who are the famous Razorback

basketball players from the 70s? Put Razorback from Sports Illustrated cover. Wait until you see this. Here's Nile and I do in rehearsal. So he plays guitar for LaFreek, and I scratched the awe. Go ahead. Put on the microphone. Look at this.

Sid the Squid Moncrief. Look at the people sitting. Look at the guy with the brown shirt on it. The guy with the stripes looks like Frank Stallone. Look at that fucking guy. bumped into him on an airport once. Recently? No, this is, he went on to be a fucking tremendous pro.

But look at that. That's what? 78? February what? The 78? I can't fucking see. February 13th, yeah. That's when the, that's when the Tomahawk got popularized with that slammed?

One dollar. That's expensive back then. A dollar for a Sports Illustrated. That's expensive. And you got like, it came out every week. So you got like 52 copies for $48. and you had to pay it up front with a money order. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I remember that. I didn't even know what a money order was. And you had to get Sport magazine was the other one. So it was Sport and this. So how long were you DJing before you turned into comedy? Three years, no, four years before I started doing comedy. It's amazing, Russell. I thought you were doing comedy like you started like in 2000.

No, 89. You've been out there banging that. I'm doing the fucking hard road. Good for you, man. The hard road. I did those fucking gigs where they don't want to see you. you you know all that shit when people like you want to go do this room and so i'm like i did that i'm good thanks i don't need to fucking relive my my my my fucking painful moments now before you hit

were you coming to the states a lot to do not much no 96 i came to new york and uh i slept on keith robinson and patrice o'neill's couch and woodbridge new jersey and i remember they just fucking tore me apart i brought my special that i shot in 95 in canada that was like a big hit in Canada in 95. I brought it on VHS. I was like, yo, check it out. They watched it.

And they looked at me after they go, the fuck was that. And I go, what? Because that was shit. And I'm like, why are you kidding me? Are you being,

just being a head? That shit was trash. What was so good about it? And I'm like, damn, they made me rethink everything. They made me get in my head and made me work harder.

If they didn't do that, I wouldn't be here today. I'd have been doing all the fucking mediocre shit I was doing. Where's the special? now. I haven't seen it in years. I don't know where. I probably exist somewhere. I've never seen it online. So all of us putting up your good shit.

Didn't put up the bad shit. I appreciate that. Thank God for small fucking famous. Yeah, right? Well, they put the second special on a 97. That was kind of shit, but whatever. And how long were you in New York for? About a month, month and a half at that time. How did you meet Patrice O'Neill and those guys? I met Keith because he was shooting a movie in Toronto that summer.

he was shooting the movie called Rebound the Earl Managault story and I ended up hanging out with him and a bunch of other dudes and we all became friends and then Keith was a comic and it's all it took from like 96 to like 99 they were shooting a lot of movies in Toronto

yeah then SARS hit and then it all ended then it all ended and Falcon All moved to Vancouver that was crazy I remember going to Bollywood and seeing Bollywood I keep calling it Bollywood comedy wood You're looking at me and picturing

Bollywood. You're dumb. I kept thinking Bollywood. I kept going to comedy wood and one time I was there and I was outside for 10 minutes and I saw three movie stars. Yeah, it was crazy back in the day. So Andy Garcia, George went and

Angelina Jolie's father going into a hotel. Oh yeah. I remember I was with, when 9-11 happened, I was with Mark Wahlberg. And everybody at the Because it happened during the Toronto Film Festival. And every time I see Mark Wahlberg, he never remembers me from that day.

I'm like, I was there at a pivotal moment. I thought Mark Wahlberg missed a flight. He, his story was that he was supposed to go to New York that day or supposed to be on that flight from Boston. But I'm like, there's no way you were supposed to be on that flight from Boston because I was with you the night before in Toronto. Yeah, because that was like big thing that he was supposed to be on that flight. Yeah, no, he wasn't.

He was in Toronto. He was already there. I hung out with him. night before I don't know them 910 I remember I was wearing a beige suit and he goes nice suit I don't know if he's been a smart ass or if he really liked the suit but I really liked the suit so I wonder this documentation that they had that money for that plane ticket that was just a fucking lie it was been a little exaggeration maybe if he wasn't in Toronto he was supposed to be on that flight or but no he was in

Toronto then I know because I was with him I got to tell you something Russell you've had an interesting fucking road hey man I love it I'm happy that you came on and talked a little bit just I'm glad I keep watching and I keep seeing the people have on I go I want to fucking be on the church yeah yeah I wish I could have you for two or four hours do it I know that you have that many fucking stories yeah and now you just do these call many times somebody bails I'll fucking drive in now you just do these fucking aren't you don't even give I don't even care so when you do oxnard that's like a throwaway weekend yeah it's just me getting back in shape, you know, sparring.

Doing new material. No, I'll do my act still. I want to tighten it up. I got to change it up now because when I started the act in February, my life changed so much from February to now that I got to rewrite a lot of the act.

I mean, it was started off. I was 16, 17 pounds heavier then. So I was like, yeah, I got fat. Now I'm back in better shape now. You know, it started off I was engaged. Well, now I'm not engaged, you know. I started off with I didn't want any more kids and if I and I didn't want a son. Well now I got a pregnant girlfriend and I have a son coming.

So I got a fucking rewrite. The one that was engaged? No, new girl. You moved that quick. I may have been double dipping a little bit. At least you're honest. You're very honest. You're very honest.

You can't hide shit in life. It is what it is, you know. That's what you lie. You're going to get found out and then people think you're a liar. I'm from the era of your word is your word. word you're what that's it that's it if i did something wrong i'll admit i did something you you know you lied about why would i lie why would i lie about something like yeah so many fucking better things to lie about and i'm not i'm not gonna know about the child congratulations

thanks yeah how far along five months oh my god rosser you're a savage in heat a freak without warning your appetite for love makes me so horny i'm sitting in my head going i know these lyrics how great are those fucking lyrics. So many good ones. Remember, you know, it's fun song. Listen to. Rated X by Cool J. Rap. Rated X. By Cool J. Rap. Or X rated, whatever it was called. It was such a good song. You know, we'll get you back on here with Dean Del Rey. We'll smoke some pot. Yeah? And we'll have me and Dean the fucking sober. I'll drink with you. How about that? Because I really want to hear about your take on this hip. I saw one take. Like, I didn't know about

1972. But I did know about as soon as I heard I said to hear the message, whatever. The message? Well, the Rappers Delight. That was 79. That was 79. You know what's funny about rappers.

It's in my, it's in, if you get a chance and you're, No, no, now I'll download and watch on the plane. Just watch on Netflix. Yeah, watch on the plane. That's my thing. In season one, we talk, we talked to Grandmaster Cass because they stole Grandmaster Kaz's lyrics for Rappers Delight.

when Big Bang Hank says, I'm the C-A-S-A-O-V-Y, whatever, the rest is F-L-Y, Cassanova Fly. He spells out fucking Grand Master Kaz's name. I'm six-foot-one. He's like, you fucking took my height. Like, you took everything that I said in that song and used it for your own purposes. So we talked to, we talked to Kaz because they were like, they stole the lyrics from him. They made this huge song.

And then Melly Mel, Kaz and Mellie Mell are like really, really close friends of mine. And then it cuts to Melly Mellie Mell because he was on Sugar Hill Records. Grand Master Flash, the Veriest Fibre signed to Sugar Hill Records. And Sylvia Robinson said to Melly Mell, we need you guys to do a song like rapper's delight. And then it cuts to Melly Mell going, we couldn't make a piece of shit like that. That's why we did the message because I was like, I'm not making no bullshit. I'm going to make a real fucking song. And then message was just brilliant.

And then white lines and all that shit. That was all Mell. That is crazy. And I'm living in New York. You're in there. You're in a fucking mix. And I'm going to the city copping. Are you going to tunnel?

Do you ever go to the tunnel, Latin quarter? I went to the tunnel. And I never went to the Latin quarter, but I went to the tunnel. That was an old, like, music joint. Yeah, yeah. You ever go to the fever? No. I think the fever was in the Bronx.

No, I heard. Disco fever. I was more of a Manhattan guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went wherever the cocaine was. Right, which was everywhere. Which was chitter, shit. But I saw the,

growth of that music like I saw the growth of uh you know going to the Bronx to cop Coke at a special price and seeing guys in the corner with turned down from the Mao's in the Bronx the Puerto Ricans yeah like seeing guys in the corner spit it yeah and like taking the power from the light pole and buying you know going to the bodega and get a bag of plantain chips and like a can of Coke for the ride back to Jersey yeah but being mesmerized by this thing And then it was black guys wrapped on the corner. Yeah.

Like I saw that happening. And I saw guys you'd go to cop and the Brooklyn, Austin. They'd have a linoleum floor. Mm-hmm. They'd come out with a... I used to break dance. I had my little... I couldn't afford linoleum.

So if I would walk around my neighborhood and see if somebody bought a fridge or a stove and I would steal a cardboard box and take it home when they would throw it out. You know, the evolution, you know, a couple days ago somebody said, well, you guys seen the growth here with the... medical marijuana. I saw the growth with the music and I saw the growth of marijuana

getting replaced by crack cocaine. Yeah. That quick. Like it overstepped the powder. Like forget the powder. We went right from marijuana to crack cocaine. Yeah. So it was all an evolution, all at the same time. Again, Grandmaster Cass tells me about

he was on crack for 10 years, he told me. He said he doesn't know how to fuck he survived that shit. He doesn't know how he never got AIDS from that shit because he'd be fucking crackhead bitches in the crack houses you know what I mean he was like I don't know how to fuck I never got nothing

I don't know you don't know what life is so you walked into a crack house oh yeah he was telling me all I went in one one night to cop like I went into the city the cop all fucked up and as soon as I got to the building and then I go up the corner they got raided so you went up the corner

and the guy up the corner goes my name is like flaco you know they all have yeah Blanco or whatever. If you want, what do you want? I told the guy, I'm just not giving you cash.

I got to go upstairs with you. So we went. And it was like we went through a good building to go into this fucking den of fucking death. And stinks. Stinks. You could smell piss. Yeah.

And man, there had to be, this is 1984. There had to be like nine people in a corner that looked at me like I was a fucking cop just smoking whatever like a pipe whatever the fuck they were doing at that time and then there was a guy there that would sell the coke to them

there was a guy that would stay there all night with like three bodyguards and then I've been going in there at fucking four in the morning and buying maybe an ounce and a half of coke from him it's a lot of coke him searching me and shit asking me if I was a cop and I started talking in Spanish

One of the guys they knew I was the cop But that's the first and only time I saw a real crack man My friend's father was a crackhead in the 80s It was a trip dude We'd go to his house And uh You could tell when his dad was rocked out

Because he'd be like William Go to the store I got some fucking chicken There's fucking lockjawed like a motherfucker Go go to the fucking hey Russell How you doing? Tell Willie I took a fucking moorg and I got some chicken God damn

I remember going I sleeping over I sleep on his couch. I woke up in the middle of the night one day. I go to take a piss. I go in the bathroom. His dad's in there with a chick and some dude and they're shooting up heroin in the bathroom.

I'm like, I open the door, go, oh, sorry. I'm fucking close to the back. How old are you? 14, 15. Did you tell your parents? No, no. I'm not going to snitch. That was your own little fucking treasure chest.

I was like, wow. I had never seen that shit before. Oh, my God, Russell. Russell, you're the real deal, man. I'm happy you took the time. I know you got to show tonight. I got to be down there, too. You on?

Yeah, that's a hell of a lineup. Yeah, it's going to be great. You need a ride? No, no, I'm good. It's crazy because you said something. Before I shot the Netflix special, I was fucking around. I was fucking around, Russell. And I went to other places.

And as soon as I finished shooting and I got on the plane, I said I fucked up by not going to the store every night. Because I took the EG route. Right. Instead of going to the store every night and banging it out. You go to the store five nights a week for six weeks. You come out of that animal. Tell Adam, you want to go up at midnight too.

Yeah. Just tell him, Adam, I want to go over to the midnight every night. You come out of an animal. Yeah. They might be able to. That's what I'm doing. Next time I got a special offer to me. You got to go to the belly of the beast.

I'm going into the belly of the beast. I'm changing it all up. Different training regimen. I trained wrong. And that's why now I just only go to the comedy store. I only go to the comedy store. Yeah, I don't ever see you nowhere else. That's it.

There's no reason to anymore. Anywhere else I go now, I just get depressed. So why am I going to be there? The home comedy is my... I want to always perform like I do at the comedy store. I have to always be in that state of mind. When I go to the comedy store, it's to kill somebody. I love watching you.

It's to kill somebody. When I go over that hill in Laurel Canyon, I don't listen to the radio. I just go deep, deep, deep into my thoughts. And I think about getting beat up. I think about mugging people. I think about bad shit. I think about good shit. I laugh at him about the fly that came out of his bag last night.

I go through a bag of emotions on Laurel Caine. So when I get to the store, it's like fucking, I know I'm at that gym with Muhammad Ali. With Angela Dundee trained Muhammad Ali in Miami. That was a 14th street gym or something like that? That's where you're at. The street gym. You know, that's what it was.

Today I was at the pool. And they called me from the store. And she goes you have a 1045 spot. Are you doing the OR? The original room. But if I go down there at 9, Tripoli will put you out. Oh, yeah, yeah. Triple is an animal.

Come on. You know, I was going through the Twitter. And I was at the pool with my daughter. And I looked at the lineup, Bron White, Crystal Lear, Whitney, Joe. And I'm on this lineup. And I'm like, I'm fucking 55. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

Like, I'm 55 years old. and I'm still on these fucking lineups. And I got like emotion. That's why I cry. You know who's a, you know also is a good person to, for that is, and that appreciates the game still

and has been in it forever as Dom. Yeah, you have to appreciate the game. Fucking Dom is the best. Dom has, I don't think Dom has a fucking bitter bone in his body. You shouldn't. He's so amazing.

When I got here, all I talked to were bitter economics. Oh, yeah, that's all you're going to me. And I swore to myself, I would not become that person. This is a gamble. If you give it the best you got,

if you know you're giving it the best you got, it'll give it back to you. It'll give it back to you. If you're fucking around, you ain't going to get dick. But if you give it in, if you go all the fuck in, it'll give it back to you.

And then you won't have any regrets. You know, when you work B rooms and C rooms on the road, you work with all bitter L.A. Count. Oh, you work with bitter everybody. You got to be gay. You got to know people. Well, no, the worst is the club owners.

They're like, you know, you're in, fucking Wichita, they're trying to act like they know comedy better than you. You're like, yeah, no, come on. You're the fucking one who's staying out here. You know what I mean? Don't fucking look at me like I'm the jerk off. It's so weird how I'm very happy about one thing now when it comes to my career that I just stick to my work.

Like, I don't break my anything. Like, this is how it is. This is how we're doing it. And that said, no questions. If we can't do it that way, then let me know. We'll find a weekend when I can do it that way. Yeah. And they'll change that tune right away.

Like I love, you know, I don't bully him. I'm not a bad person. But I explain to them, this is how we're doing it. And if we don't do it this way, then that's fine. Like I love when they call me to go, well, you can't bring a feature. We already have them. Okay, no worry. Cancel the week.

Let me know when I can bring my feature. Let me tell you when I can bring my feature. And then they call you back. Okay, there was a misunderstanding. That's always what it is a misunderstanding. That's my favorite thing to hear. Russell, I know you got to go. I love you.

I love you, Joe. Where can they go find you? Russell peters.com at Russell Peters on Instagram. It was a real pleasure having you. You know, you're a champion in and out of the fucking ring in my eyes. And now that we cleared that air up, I will be up to do a private session with you. I'm training tomorrow if you're in. I got a 1.30.

Not tomorrow. I got 9, 10, 30, and 12.30 tomorrow. And then four o'clock karate and tomorrow night's pizza night because I'm leaving Thursday. We do this easy tomorrow. The last two days I've been running and gone around. Let me know when you're back and you got some time off in December. Yesterday I lifted it and I went to Muay Thai. Nice.

I go to Muay Thai in nine. I go to Muay Thai conditioning. To get it out of the way, I'm 55. Yeah, you know, I get it. I can't. I don't have to wait until 6 o'clock to do fucking rolls. Yeah. You got me early.

You got to get me early. Eight o'clock I can't roll. 9 o'clock I can't roll. It's a little too early to roll. Yeah. But 10, 10, 30, you can roll. I roll at 1. I feel good about that.

And rolling at 1.30 is good. Perfect. I like rolling on an empty stomach. Yeah, so do I. I don't eat until after. That's when I do my best when I'm hungry. And I end up farting if I fucking roll with it. Oh, I love when people get on top me and I blow a fart.

And then I try to sweep them and they get a whiff for that fucking fart. And they go for it. If I can't sweep you, once I fart, you're going done. You know, RICO, Ruggraegas? Yeah. Oh, my God. He's my brother. I rolled with Rico one day.

about a year ago and I rolled with John Jack for an hour and then at the end of the session Rico was there and I was making fun of Rico at the beginning of the class out loud not to myself just I was like you know breaking his balls in front of the class was he big he's a big he's a big he's a former UFC hit away champion you know but was he was he big at the time he's not small I saw him on Saturday he's a little smaller but he was big he gets big and not fat either like fucking diesel yeah he gets big so I and then John Jack goes you want to roll somebody else I go yeah sure he goes hey Rico and I go off Fuck. I was a white belt at the time too.

So he calls Rico over. I go, shit. So, you know, you shake your hands and I just pull guard right away because I'm like, I'm not trying to find, I'm not trying to get thrown around this gym. So I just pull, grabbed his key in his wrist and I pulled guard right away. He's on top. He just stands up. He starts pushing down on me. You know, and my neck is on the ground.

I'm like, oh, fuck. And he's folding me. And then my body decided to release whatever air it had left in it. and I sharded. I shit myself. Did you tap and tap? No, I told him. I go Rico, I just shit.

He goes, ha ha ha. That's funny. I go, no, no, I'm serious. I shit myself. He's laughing. And in a couple of seconds, I was like, what the fuck is that smell?

I told you, I just shit myself. Oh, my God. Rico, you literally beat the shit out of me. I've never shit myself, but I've come close. It could happen, man. When they get on top of your mount.

Oh, man. And you try to do that two-time oompa, and they ain't going nowhere. You're mounted. And they're creeping up like a snake. and their ass is pushing on every organ together. Yeah, yeah. Because they're the masses of that.

Yeah. Once you get over a brown belt, you know how to torture people. It's called Invisible Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah, that's Rehexen's thing. Invisible Jiu-Jitsu is the worst. They're not even doing nothing to you. They're just way there.

It's like John Jock. I hear John Jock's mount. You're in no danger. Like you're in no danger. Once he mounts you, he always says, if somebody passes your guard, you messed up two steps ago.

Yeah. Isn't it that one of the same? He'll do this. He'll just, he'll get on top, he'll get side control on me. And then he'll go, okay, let's see how you deal with this. And then all of a sudden you just feel like a fucking anvil landed on you. Like, the fuck is that? You're 175 pounds.

How did this happen? They know exactly how to fucking manipulate it. And he'll do it. He'll be like, okay, you can't breathe up here. Now you can't breathe down there. Now you can't breathe up here. And you'll just keep shifting it so that my breathing gets fucked up. It's fucking crazy.

It's insane how good. He's like a fucking Jedi. I love you, brother. You too, brother. Thank you very much for taking the time. Your family, knock them dead at the store. I'll see you there.

I'll see you there. I want to thank my man, Russell Peters. I want to thank my man that Christ's killer. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys for support me and having my back boiling. I'm coming, but the tickets are sold out.

And next week, I'm in a La Jolla, and the tickets are sold out to. It's a small joint. I'm just trying to work on new stuff. You know how we do it here. But there's still tickets available December 12th. for the Temblah Brewing Company up in fucking Bakersfield,

up there at Matt Baker Territory, up there in True Blue, BJ, not fucking around. So I'll be up there Wednesday, December 12th, 8 o'clock, the Temblah, and then I got Oxnard after the holidays, but we'll talk to that later, the Levity Live up in Oxnard. That's it, and that's done. It's been a great week. I want to thank Anthony Coomere for coming on.

I want to thank Russell Peters, but most importantly, I want to thank you, motherfuckers and the church family for having our back. It's that time of the year where you might be getting down and we're here to fucking save your life. Never fear Uncle Joey's here, all right? Don't forget what I got to tell you. Also, this podcast is brought to you by quip.

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