The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #652 - Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt

Episode Date: January 24, 2019

This podcast is brought to you by:     Robinhood App - an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETF's, options and cryptos - all commission free. Go to church.robinhood.com to get a free stock like Apple, Ford or Sprint.   Quip - Go to getquip.com/joey and try their dentist designed electric toothbrush. When you go to getquip.com/joey you get your first refill pack FREE with a quip electric tooth brush.   Recorded live on 01/23/2019.
  

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Church of what's happening now. Thursday the 24th, 2019. Coming at you, bad motherfuckers. Oh shit. Who do you think you're dealing with? It's the flying Jew and your uncle Joey. Old school, motherfucker. Get up, cock suckers.

It's Thursday. It's never too late. Never too late, motherfuckers. Even if you started a resolution, you already fucked it up. Listen, restart it again. You know what I'm saying? That's why I don't like resolutions. If I want to do something in the new year, I started December, so there's no pressure.

So by January, it sticks. You follow me? Anyway, it's Thursday, the 24th. I hope you guys are doing well today. I get emails a lot. I don't have the Gmail page no more because I lost it. You know, every time I got a new computer. the fucking code disappeared or something.

And then there was a point where I had two Gmail pages and I don't get two, I don't have them at all no more now. So if you send messages to the Gmail and I haven't gotten back to you, it's not because I don't like it. It's because I don't even know how to get them no more. They fucking disappeared. But I do find a lot of Facebook messenger pages

and on regular Facebook. A lot of fucking people have been hitting me up lately. And yeah, it's a lot of like, you know, We saw this, we saw that. We went to see you. We're going to see you. But it's also a lot of questions. A lot of questions about, like, growth.

And the one thing people have the hardest problem with, that we all did. Listen, you know, is decisions. It's the decision to do something, stick with it, and believe in it. You know, when I get these emails, I look at them. and people like, well, I got this offered to me. And it's not about, it's not comedy questions. They're career questions. They're drug choices.

When I say drug choices, it's somebody who's trying to get off drugs. Okay, so it said, you know, they saw something. They came to a reality and they hit me up because they want to tell me they're clean 11 days or something like that. These are all great things. I love all this kind of stuff. But the thing I see that people struggle with the most. So I thought about it for a few weeks. And I wrote about it, you know, and it's making that decision.

Because there's the moment of reality. There's the moment of, okay, I've been doing this for this long, and it's got me nowhere. What is my next step? Do I quit what I'm doing? Do I go to something else? Do I move on to something else? How much longer do I give this?

This is the number one question that people have. Dog, if you don't think I had it, it was crazy. You know, and I started this at 28. So at 35, when I was broke, everybody else had money around them. And I'm still fucking living like a fucking bumpy, you know, like, you know, ant them out. And I'm still sort of an open mic with 95, seven years later. So, or 90, whatever the fuck I'm trying to say to you people.

It's the decision to do something and stick with it is fucking hard. It's hard. It's hard to go, okay, I'm going to quit my job where I get 600 a week, 800 a week, 1,200 a week, 1,200 a week insurance, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, to do a commission job that, yeah, I can make 200,000 a year. But the first six months, I'm going to live below my means. Well, you put away some money. And then you'll say to me, well, Joey, what if I don't start making money after six months?

Then don't take the job because you're already lost in your mind. You already lost in your mind. You know, when you take those type of leaps, there's a lot of things to consider. When you're single, who gives a fuck? Go for it. If it fails, you failed. It's on your shoulders. And you start all over again.

You can fucking bounce off from that shit. It's when you're married and have somebody else on your shoulders and have a child that those decisions are tough. You know, now is when we talk about the comedy aspect of it. Because I compare the comedy aspect to any other thing, whether it's a job or anything. You know, how long do you stick with it before you talk? You know, how long do you stay at McDonald's?

How long would you stay at McDonald's? If you started working at McDonald's at 18 to help you go through college, how long do you stay at McDonald's for? You know, you stay at McDonald's until one day you say, I'm not mopping this fucking floor no more. Because what are the promotions at McDonald's?

I mean, you're in the back, you're in the front, then you become an assistant manager, then they move here, then they give you a store, 82,000 miles from your house that you're a manager at. You know, everything has a brinkered,

breaking point. I have friends, yeah, that still have their same job that they've had since they quit high school. But I know that sometimes they hurt because they wanted to do something else, but at the same time they couldn't because they had a wife and kids. You know, it's not easy to make a life-changing decision when you have wife and kids. That takes real balls, but that also takes belief. That's the second part of the conversation. So you realize something, you know, what if, let's be honest, in 2011, whatever, 11, whatever the fuck, I was not sad, I was not angry, I was not depressed.

I just didn't think I could do it. everybody else had done. I never saw myself playing a theater. I saw myself headlining. I was headlining in a lot of rooms, but I wasn't really a headliner. And I took some time off before I went to the store. And I remember I said, you know what? If I'm not going to do the store and if I'm just going to go on the road with Rogan, I got to give myself a homework assignment every week. I'm happy I did this. And every week on Thursday night, I would drive to the fucking Irvine Improv. and I would sneak in the back and I would sit there

sometimes I put sunglasses on it was the creepiest shit I ever did and I watched every headline for about nine or ten months from Greg Haraldo to the big black dude that died got rest of soul

I watched Ralphie I watched everybody I could that I hadn't seen Jim Gaffigan anybody who played the Urgland Improv that year I watched and on the drive home I came to the conclusion that I was fake headlining.

Like, I was a fake headline. I had to figure out something to put my jokes together. If not, I was just another comic telling jokes. Between Greg Heraldo, Ralphie, the big black guy, there was a lot of comics where I went home thinking about their act.

Even if I didn't like them personally or whatever, at least I learned something from it that I had to do. Oh, yeah. Oh, good, boy. Oh, yeah. I can't imagine that they talked about this at the Irvine Improv. And I knew that I had to fucking do something with my life. But I tell you what, I didn't want to put the work in.

I'm not going to lie to you guys. I was like right now at this point in my life, I'm happy. I'm booking commercials. I'm booking TV shows. My friends have TV shows that they give me between the rogue and work, fucking the work that I get, the commercials I book. I can make a simple living. I mean, it wouldn't be

a hundred grand, but I can make a simple living and want a job, I can make a hundred grand. That'd be fucking happier than shit to me. That, you know, I'm not doing coke. I'm not on jets. I'm not out partying. I don't give a fuck. I was pretty content with that.

I really was. The reality was that I had done movies, I'd done TV shows, and I hadn't moved the meter. of my stand-up. The meter on my stand-up had not moved. And, hey, it happens.

For some people do one line in a fucking movie, and the next week they're selling out theaters, that didn't happen for me at all. And I saw the movie thing, and I saw the TV thing, and the recurring, and it still just wasn't moving. And I didn't know how to make it move.

I had no idea how to make it move. And in February 18th this year, Ari's doing a show. at the comedy store, Monday the 18th. And Tuesday's my birthday, February 19th. And I asked Ari, why was he doing that show? And he goes, because it was the ninth anniversary of the first time we did the storyteller show

in the lab in the back of the improv. And I go, it was nine fucking years ago. It was me, Mark Marin, and somebody else. I forget who else was it? It was. And it was in the back and there was maybe 30 or 40 people back there. And I was going to go up there and tell a certain story. But while I was sitting there, I thought about the wall story. I was getting tickets to the wall, me and Joe Foucaracho and lube's and him flicking the cigarette in the shirt.

I just told the whole thing and how it let up. And that's when storytelling came up. So think about it. I was ready to quit doing comedy on the road because I needed something. the tie together the pieces. If not, I wouldn't have grown. And next thing, you know, storytelling comes along. And that was the piece I needed at the time.

I didn't know my stories were going to work. I didn't know people going to tune into them. But I jumped on that bandwagon and it lifted my stand up a little bit. So it wasn't that I was quitting. It said I came to a realization that, If I went on the road, I was going to go on the road for 30 people a night. Yeah, people knew me from the Rogan podcast, and people knew me from fucking the longest yard and doing shit like that.

But I wouldn't have come to that opportunity, which that's what it was. It was an opportunity that opened up, storytelling. Oh, my God. Now, I've been telling these stories to these comics for years. Whenever I went to New York with Rogan, I would point to different places, and he would go, why don't you talk about these on stage? I go because nobody wants to fucking hear them. But that's a direction I took.

That was the decision I took. And now, if you come watch me, I'm kind of a storyteller who tells jokes. But at least the joke has an explanation with the story or the story has an explanation for the joke. So I had that gap in the road because everybody told me it was television and film. I attacked that and the answer was right in front of me.

And it was the work I had to put in. So now I had to start sitting down and writing stories and thinking about shit and asking my friend's stupid fucking questions. And they're going, why are you asking me these questions? And I'd bring up a story. Then they'd add another story to it. And it was a really great process that I went to. But going back to realization, like I was running around a muck until 1984.

And in 1984, I came to a lot of realizations. I came to the realization that I was a fucking moron I came to the realization that I was a drug at not really I didn't come to that realization that I was a drug addict at that point I just had a realization that I was a fucking moron and be that I wasn't going to do anything in my life

that I was done I gave up at the age of 21 years old I was like I'm just going to be a fucking piece of shit and a bum and then we're going to get nowhere And it was because of five years had gone by and I hadn't done nothing with my life. I thought that the world was going to hand you something. See, I thought the world was going to hand me like a union book. And I was going to make $23 an hour and drive a corvette.

It didn't work that way. And then after that realization came, was the drugs came in. And then thanks to God, I met her. I bumped into an old friend and he took me to a meeting. And that's when I realized I was addicted. or whatever the fucking words they use or whatever, and I got clean. But 84 was the realization period in my life.

When I realized that Jesus Christ, I'm not going to do none of this shit. And then I started getting the pieces together, and I got into that Colorado Mountain College. And even while I was taking classes, I would say to myself, why am I taking these classes? I'm never going to get no way with them.

And I kept taking the classes, and I kept signing up for semester. and I'm like, why am I paying $180? Well, because if you know anything about me, I like knowledge. I want to keep learning. Just because I dropped out, it didn't mean I didn't want to keep learning.

I just wasn't the situation. I couldn't go to school. And the next year, you know, I get in trouble, and I move to Boulder, and I join continuing in Boulder, and after two years in Boulder, they come to me, and they go, hey, you could transfer into our school now. Here I am a fucking high school dropout,

and the University of Colorado thinks I have a fucking drive, a high school diploma. I don't know who told them that. And they're allowing me to go into the fucking college. And I'm sitting there going, this cannot be fucking happening. So I'm going to actually go into this fucking college. Then they sent me the,

they said, yeah, come in and fill out an application. I went down there, you were to take the application home and fill it out. I lied everywhere on it. I was going to say that it probably says high school diploma. Yeah. And they said, you got to send it in. And I fucking lied.

And I sent it in. Then they said, we'll admit you with the high school. high school diploma so then I kept going back and forth with them I couldn't find it my high school couldn't find it I had to make calls to like principals that I knew out of school and I would talk to

and we go listen if the University of Colorado calls tell him I have a diploma and then one of them said why don't we just print one up and fake it I mean I had a thousand options wait that was one of the principals said that one of my high school principals with all in the bar he was out of there he had to retire

he goes we could get you and just put your name in there. I mean, it was hilarious. And I was like, that's not a bad idea. Let me get back to you. And all that fucking bullshit, I got arrested. Wow. So when I got arrested, I was forced to go in there, tell

the counts of the truth, and tell him that I was going to get my GED. And he didn't give a fuck. He was like, that's fine. Go get your GED. We'll admit you the same way we were with a high school diploma. Because I was part of Latino plan. But this is not even where I ended up.

It's so crazy that, yeah, once I got into the University of Colorado guys and I started taking classes, the weirdest thing happened, I realized that, to say what I want to do anyway. What am I going to get out of this? Any degree I get, I can't get a job in it. The original plan was to go back to, the original plan was to go back to New York and get a job on Wall Street. Now that I got the felonies, I can't even go back to, I can't get a job on Wall Street. So I had one option to go back and sell windows, doors, and sashes for a door company out of Ridgefield Park, New Jersey. That was my option. They probably don't require a college degree.

They just wanted you to sell. They knew my situation. They knew I was a good salesman. They just wanted me to fucking sell. But that didn't sound like fun to you? It was like 60 a year to start plus bonus. is in the car. It sounded great for a guy like me at that situation. It sounded great. But I had also had another thought in between all that that scared the fuck out of me. Everybody has a fear.

There's some people who have a fear growing old. There's some people when you're young. There's some people have fears of different things. I'm not talking about heights and stuff. I'm talking about situations. Some people have fear of staying with somebody for a long time. I don't know what that's called. My fucking fear from the age of 20 to 35 was that I wasn't going to amount anything. Every time, up to the age of 35, every time I saw an old guy with a rock t-shirt on

and a ponytail, I got a knot in my fucking stomach. Every time I saw a guy who was old and was doing a youngster's job like a hard carrier or like a, I don't know. It scared me. It would fucking petrify me because that was the person.

I'd rather kill myself before I'd become a 50-year-old that worked at Subway Sandwich. I'm not, I have nothing against 50-year-olds and I have nothing against Subway Sandwich but just the fact of a 50-year-old, me working at Subway Sandwich with 2 20-year-olds that are in college, talking about how cool I was,

who I hung out with on the Sunset Strip, and I met Richard Pryor one time. I didn't think that was kosher. I didn't think that was going to fly for me. I would have hated myself. So I knew I had to do something before I got fucking old. That was my biggest fear. That was my biggest fear was not.

amounting to anything at least at this company I could be a salesman get a pension and maybe six or seven years be the leader of the world of the sales force and maybe after that go and train salesman at places at corporations or that was the plan that like that was the plan that was it that's all I had when I got out of prison that's all I had but the thing that scared me the most was retiring at 65 and getting a watch and working for a company for 40 years and one day just stopping like that scared the shit out of me too but nothing like just being like a 50 year old that lives with two other guys he's still smoking pot he still has a pony tail

I'd still be doing blow. Nothing scared me more than that. That's who I did not want to be. So by the age of 35, I was fucking fighting hard to not end up like that. So in 1995, which I was 32 years old, I decided, fuck it. I'm going for comedy. This is what I'm going to do. I tried the college thing.

I tried the family thing. I tried the dad thing. I'm not good at any of these things. Comedy might be the way to fucking go. And once I went for it, I did not look back at all, guys. I could tell you one thing from the bottom of my heart. I didn't look back for two reasons.

I had nothing to look back for, and I had nowhere else to go. Right now, Lee has a mom. Lee could tell me the night to go fuck myself, and they could go back to Boston and probably get a job, but that's all bullshit. Lee knows he has nowhere else to go, and there's nothing else that he wants to do.

Lee knows that if he goes back to Boston and lives in his mother's basement, that'll make him happy, but he lost a war. You know, he won the war, and he lost the battle. We get the comfort zones, and that's great. That's great. I want you to be in a comfort zone. I get in them.

I get the comfort zones. Sometimes they're not called laziness. They call the comfort zones. But then I force myself out of the comfort zone and I do something out of my comfort zone and I'm back because I forced myself to do it. You know, when I was 32, in 1995, I had limited options.

I was a fucking father. She was five. I had no, let's be honest. had no parenting skills. I didn't give a fuck about my life. I cared about one thing, because I really believe that comedy was going to save my life.

Now, when you're saying, save your life, Joey, do you mean living in Beverly Hills and being Sebastian? Not by any means at all. Excuse me, I thought that comedy would stop me from being a thief.

If I could have just stopped being a thief and been a human being, I would have been happy as fuck even if I did the drugs the drugs were going to follow me no matter what that was part of the lifestyle it was part of who I was it was part of who I was in it was part of the business I was in I accepted it I just didn't want to be a fucking thief anymore I did not want to be a thief I did not want to live under not police scrutiny because but knowing that the cops could knock on my door at any minute that's a horrible way to live and I'd live like that to a fucking age of you know fucking let's be honest 98 98 so I was a little short of my 40th

birthday the knocks the cops could knock on my door anytime anytime I went home sat down took my shoes off rolled the joint smoked it and I'd relax eight minutes later I remembered that the cops could be looking for me for something I did two weeks ago I didn't want to live like that no more. So I decided to jump into comedy. And yeah, I'm not going to lie to you. I made a couple mistakes in the beginning of my comedy career that got me in trouble. I got arrested for fighting. I got arrested for fucking stealing. I got arrested for a couple things in the beginning. But once I fell in love with it, if you look at me after 93, once I fell in love and love and love with comedy and I had a path and I had a direction, I never really got in trouble again.

yeah i still did the drugs joey but what about the drugs i still did the drugs that was part of the life that was part of the law for me that was what i got into comedy for you know there's a hundred thousand doctors there's 200 million fucking attorneys how many comedians are there nationwide in the country not that many because it's a hard thing to do and a lot of things that come with it yeah joey but jim gaffing it doesn't get high and brian this guy this guy doesn't get high yet but I guarantee the other 50% do it's just a part of what comes with the occupation you know look what happened music the last 10 years we lost Michael Jackson we lost Chris Cornell we lost fucking Tom Petty we lost Prince you know to fucking prescription drugs

that's that comes with it that comes with it whether it's misuse or not knowing that comes with it what about the musicians before that it comes with it this is part of the we're in today. I have a couple friends that I grew up with that there. The kids are struggling with it right now. And I have other friends that were animals that that kids don't even know what the fuck's going on. It's a 50-50 fucking chance we got here. It's a 50-50 fucking chance. So how do you make your chances better? Okay, one thing is like I told this guy on email a couple days ago. Once you go for it, you go for it. And don't think of what if. Well, what if I fail? You just failed. You just failed. You just fail for thinking, what if I fail? If you believe in this as much as you're

telling me, and if you believe in this in your heart, as much as you're telling me, there's no room for failure because you won't let it fail. Do you ever think of it? Do you ever think of it? of that, you won't let it fail. That's it. You know, before I go on stage, every fucking weekend in a different city, every other weekend, I'm shitting my pants, those two hours. What am I going to say?

I can have two hours of material, and I'm still saying to you, I got nothing to say. I got nothing to say, I got nothing to say. Sometimes that's good, sometimes it's bad. What it's good is because I forced myself to write something new, or to try something new, and then that carries in,

and I got an extra 10 minutes or whatever. But when it's bad, like, I'll say I got nothing to fucking say. I got a ton of shit to say. But I'll shoot myself from the foot before I even go out there. I'm a mess on Thursday night. Then once I break the ice on Thursday night, I'm good for the rest of the fucking weekend. But it's because I'm not committed in my head.

Once I commit to my material and I commit to what I'm going to do, you're in danger. You're in the danger zone. Because I'm going to pound on you. I'm going to just go out there and pound on you. But what do you have felt like? I think where the issues for me is like did you have, were you that confident 10 years ago? Because I think.

Yes and no. I think the hard part is when you don't have that experience to know that things are going to be okay. You ever go see somebody and they think they're fucking funny on stage? They're laughing. You don't think they're funny? Yeah. That's all of us. That's all of us.

The first 10 years. We think we're a fucking riot. But we're not funny at all. Right. Okay. We're not funny at all. And it's, but we believe that we're funny. And the belief that we're funny and that we're going to get funnier gets even stronger.

You know, the book on anything that everybody wants to read, let's say you're an attorney. And you go from your fucking three years of law school and now you're thrown into the fucking dungeon. You don't even know what the fuck to do. But by doing it every day, by going to court and taking notes and getting this guy coffee and seeing this guy. And hey, wait a second. He just introduced me to the DA from Brooklyn. And he just introduced me to the assistant DA from Queens. You meet people.

And that's called experience. And that's what we're doing here. You can't do stand up in front of a fucking mirror. Okay? You can't do stand up in front of a fucking mirror. I would love to tell you that. Yeah, comics practice in front of the mirror. Don't they don't.

Because you can't get a reaction. It's like when you see a guy hitting the bag. Yeah, he's working on his conditioning, and he's working his strength, on his flexibility, and his cardio. But you know what? That bag don't hit back. That bag don't hit back.

Okay, so, well, you all look at the other guy. Yeah, I know, but the bag don't hit back. It's the same thing with the mirror. The mirror don't hit back. If the mirror, if the mirror fucking could help you, I'd be at home and then. I wouldn't even leave the house. I'd just be in front of the mirror,

telling him jokes to the fucking mirror. And that's not going to help your timing. That's not going to do anything. Going out there is what makes you do things. Same thing if you're a writer. I don't give a fuck. Listen, I am having the hardest time in the world writing this fucking book. I just rewrote a chapter for the third fucking time.

And now, and I mean, when I say it rewrite, I erase everything. I erase everything and start from scratch. I told this poor guy I would have this book by the end of fucking January. I just finished rewriting this chapter for the third fucking time. But guess what, guys? I like it. I like it. Before I was telling you a story.

Now I'm telling you the story before the story. How did I learn that? It took me fucking seven years of fucking writing garbage. At least I'm getting a little bit better. So now what am I going to do? I redo all the other fucking proposal chapters. Because I think I'm on to something now. But how did I get there?

Because I kept doing it. And I keep doing it. When I fly, I'll write for an hour. On the way there and on the way back. And then at the hotel, I'll write again. The next one I'll get up and guess what I'll do? I'll erase it. Why?

I don't fucking know, but I do it because I don't like it. I'm not a good writer. I can tell you right now, I'm not a good writer. But I know in a year and a half or two years, if I keep doing the little amounts I keep doing, I'll be a better writer. And sometimes I write good for the book And sometimes I write good for just material or something like that.

Sometimes I have great ideas for jokes. I just bail on them because I'm fucking lazy. Sometimes I go, well, I was writing a joke a couple weeks ago that I really enjoyed. And then I was on stage, I remembered on the third set at the comedy store Sunday night and I did it. And it worked. I'm like, why did I bail on that joke? Because I had to put it work into it. I had a Wikipedia shit.

I had to check dates and fucking times and a bunch of shit. Commitment is the whole fucking thing. And that's the number one point I'm trying to get across tonight is when you jump, you jump and you're not going to have any fucking problems. But if you jump and then look up at your friend and go, why? You're going to fail. You're going to fucking fail. Like I said, so I got smack to the face in 84.

And I didn't really go from my dream. Well, it wasn't my dream. It wasn't like I had been dreaming since I was like I had friends that told me an acting class. You don't understand. I used to fucking look at the pictures of the Hollywood sign. I would hang them up on my wall and I always knew that I would get here. Guess what? Everybody who told me that is gone right now. Everybody who told me about the Hollywood wall, that how the sign, the Hollywood sign, all those people that told me that, oh, I knew I was always going to end up in Hollywood. Hollywood, all those people gone, gone. I'm thinking of two specifically right now that told me that when they were a kid, they would get the Hollywood sign out of a magazine hanging on their wall, and they always going to end up in Hollywood. They're gone.

People could say that? Yeah, people have told me that. That's embarrassing. Yeah, that they would take pictures of the Hollywood sign and hang them up on their wall. And they hadn't had it big yet? They were still like a waitress or a struggling act. They were here like 15 years, acting classes. the whole fucking thing. This town has really surprised me. It surprised me in two way, too,

by letting a schlop like me make a living. That's what anybody who's in this town that says that can't do it should be embarrassed. Because if I'm making a living acting and doing stupid stand-up, you should be killed. And number two, the other thing I couldn't understand about this town is how many people were in love with something. and they just abandoned it. And I sit there and I think about them from time to time. Like when I go on the drive,

I don't listen to music if I'm going to do a spot. So when I'm going to do a spot, I think about things to put me through different emotions. So when I get down to the comedy store, whatever club I'm going to perform at, I can feel different range of emotions.

You know, I think about a friend dying, I think about a good day, I think about a sad day, I think about a day that I was confused. I try to do all those things. So when I get on stage, I can try to give you more. And I always think about sometimes, not always. I think about people that I was tight with here.

You know, okay, somebody like Ralphie, for example, when Ralphie had that apartment, I had conversations with five or six people and different people in that apartment, heartfelt conversations about comedy and acting and what their dreams were and why they were going to do it and how they're going to please their parents and blah, blah, bah.

Those people are gone. Those people are gone. Those people are long fucking gone. And are we friends on Facebook now? Yes and no. Like, I'll communicate with them from time to time, but I could feel they were a little apprehensive towards me. Like they don't know what I'm going to say.

And I have no judgment for them. I, listen, everybody has different. situations and everybody has a fucking breaking point everybody has a breaking point that this this heart this life out here is fucking hard a lot of people think they're going to straw up go to a bar bump into bruce willis and their life is going to be set for a long time and that's not what it is and when people realize that they get cracked like you know i don't know what year i realized it but once i I just moved on. Okay, this is the way it's going to meet,

then I got to find my niche. I just moved on. But there's people that find out that this is work, and they crack. They fucking crack. I had a girl emailing me for a couple weeks. She had seen me in the store, and she asked me if she could have my information

that she was into marketing or something. And then a week later, I'm telling Lee, these fucking Facebook messages he's sending me. and what she basically wanted, what she thought was, let me tell you how crazy people are, she thought that I was going to grab it by the hand, walk her into an agency. This is no lie, people.

And that the agency was going to pay for her headshots, pay for her acting class. And, and, I mean, when she told me this, I almost shit my fucking pants. And I had to ask her to her face at the comedy store. Like when she was telling me this, I go, who told you this? Because she finally came up to the comedy store about 10 days ago with a headshot. Out of the blue.

Like, I'm standing there talking to a bunch of people. And she came up out of the blue and she goes, hey, can you give this the agent? I go, my agent isn't open until January 7th. And I go, what's in there? She goes, a headshot. So let's see it. And she took the headshot out, and it was a picture. Her friend had taken over it.

And she put it on a mac, like a fucking thing. And then I go, this isn't a headshot. I go, there's no name on it. There's nothing. And she goes, well, you told me just to take a headshot? I go, no, no, no. Because I thought she hung out with a bunch of actors. She's a young girl.

She's a young black girl. I thought she hung out with a bunch of act. She has that actory look to her, you know? So she goes, no, my friend told me this for work. I go, listen, I hadn't talked to the agent yet because it was the holidays. I go, give me around the seventh or eighth, and I'll call the agent and see what he needs from you. You know, I was really going to call an agent. Like, I was really going to make a call for her and see if the guy could help her, you know,

because he told me he specializes in accents. Okay, got you. People with accents, you know. So after the headshot was when she told me That if I get another headshot Does this mean I'm not doing her accent I don't know what the fuck her accent is She goes does this mean that you'll take this to your agent

And he'll pay for my headshots and pay for my acting class And I go who told you this? And she goes these actresses I was hanging out with the other night I go if that's what their agents do why don't you take that stuff to them? I know this guy a few years. I don't think he's going to do that. Right.

So she was like, well, I go, first off, do you have a tape? Like an acting reel, anything. And she goes, I have nothing. I go, do you just going to give this guy your head shut? Do you have a resume? And she goes, well, I have a work resume, not an acting resume. I go, well, you have to come up with something. You have to come up with a page that says your height,

the color of your eyes, who you're studying with and what commercial workshop you've taken you have to come up with something and i could see in her face like she was giving me attitude like she was like getting insulted and i go what do you expect of that this is the only guy i know that i could say this to theatrically like i just and it just so happens that he called me out of the blue because with the fox thing he called me out of the blue to congratulate me and we started talking and i go where are you working and he told me and he goes we specialize him kids and accents

we'll look right yeah I go you don't sign comics he goes unless they're like you know like from England and stuff like that right that's what we we specialize in right now so I said okay whatever the fuck you know so I was going to take that I was going to send her down there he's down a little shit

it's a small office after she told me that I'm like no so I called him after the break and I didn't even bring her up like I didn't even bring the girl up and then she called me and that's when she

well she hit me up on Facebook she didn't call me she hit me up on Facebook and that's when she goes I was really upset by a conversation on the night I was told agents pay for all your stuff maybe you don't want to help me

and I go I do want to help you but you have to understand that I have my own problems and I have my own dilemmas if I'm going to give somebody a package it's going to be the correct way to give him a package.

I go, and then I told the truth. I go, I did speak to him. He does want a reel. He does want a resume. And he does want you to be in an acting class, so you come watch it. This guy's by the book. I know this guy.

He's really fucking white. You know what I'm saying? There's just some people who buy the book that they want you to be in an acting class. They want to come see you at the acting class. I wouldn't go see anybody in an acting class. But there's some agents that they're into that shit. I knew what school would.

came from. I knew what agency he was at before. And I knew that when I tried to sign with them years earlier they put me through the fucking ringer. They put me through the ringer. And I had a reel. And I had done the longest yard. I had done Spider-Man too. And they were still

like they had to have a meeting about it and fucking walk around the corner and talk to cast that they wanted me to give them three casting resumes like people that are casting directors to give them three calls and a director. I had to do all this shit then they signed me and then my buddy what I'm talking about right left and I

ended up staying there and then I stopped getting residual checks and I'm like what the fuck's going on okay sexism supposed to get a check the 26th of January and it's the fucking first of February and I haven't gotten a check and then I was supposed to get another check and then another check and I didn't get them I called sag like what's sag what's going on my checks and they're like oh we're sending them to your new agent And I go, why would you send them to you in the way? And they said, because you signed the paperwork. I go, I didn't sign shit.

I go, if you know anything about me, I'm a Coke fiend. I live off my fucking residuals. And I ran to that office, and I told him to have my fucking checks. And I fired him. But he had left already. Nobody had told me that he had left. Why did he tell you? Because he was embarrassed.

I finally went to the agency. I go, what the fuck? You left? You didn't tell me? me that you left and he's like I'm sorry I got pulled in here it was a children's agent and they didn't want me to take adults with me so that's what happened so I was over there we're getting fucking robbed but the point being that I couldn't understand why she just thought that some I could walk her in like don't are you fucking crazy it must work for some people like that's a

scary thing is it must me i mean i hate to be mean rude but like maybe those girls are sleeping with the agents or maybe they were creepy agents who had like a really weird deal like they took your residuals but they'll pay for headshots up front or like that's not a normal and that's the weird thing about all every job in this town is there's really not an pecking order you just kind of you get in at the bottom level and you work your way up but there's no it's hard to even ask anybody else how you did it because it changes It changes. It keeps changing over and over again.

And the table keeps changing, you know, what they do with you, they won't listen. I know people that went to the comedy store, and two days later, they had a top-notch agent and a top-latch manager. Right, and just do that. Just do it one day at the comedy store. I went to the comedy store for 10 years. Nobody fucking talked to me. Nobody said two fucking words to me. There was people who went up to the comedy store and got an agent.

And then I got a commercial agent at the improv. I'm not going to worry about that. And I got the best commercial agent at the time. The guy that got me the Taco Bell commercial, all that shit. SBV at the time with the best commercial agents in town in 97. And yes, I got very lucky with them. I saw them at improv and they signed me. But theatrically, for movies and television,

I couldn't get fucking signed by anybody. Nobody would fucking sign me. Nobody. Even a couple of years ago, after I did grudge match, when my agent was thinking of leaving his agent, I didn't think I was going to get invited. And I reached out to a bunch of agents and a bunch of agents hit me back,

but they're like, we want to sign you. Theatrical, don't want to even talk to you. And I'm like, dog, I got a fucking number 3,000 in IMDB. And they didn't want to talk to me. Is that maybe why her message is upset you a little bit because you know how hard it was for you to get an agent? It's not her messages.

It's a lot of people's messages and a lot of people's attitudes that bother me. Right. Because I don't really think they understand what goes into this or anything that they're going to do. I mean, you had a situation where you had a friend that went to school, that went to law school, and thought they were going to come out and work a 40-hour week. and that it was going to be people drinking margaritas and jumping up and down on the weekend and when they find out that they had to work every other Saturday

and they found out this job, you know, that's a realization. Well, they sell it to eat, like every movie or TV show, and obviously they have to make them entertaining, but they make work look easy. Like it's eight hours of going to lunch and playing tricks on each other. And they don't show that it's like fighting traffic And then your boss asks you to do something at 445 on Friday when they had it all day.

And like they don't show, they don't, they make it seem more exciting and fun than the day. And that's like the thing is it just never, it's very monotonous. Yeah. Do you believe when they say that we change by generations, do you believe like in terms of millennials and all that? Yeah. I mean, I'm just looking at how.

like my mom was with me and how her brothers and sisters act and then seeing how young like parents a little bit like they have kids a little older than you now treat them differently so I don't know exactly what levels but yeah I think I think just based on the time people grew up and they act differently I mean listen I always hear terms and I don't want to sound like one these fucking idiots because i gotta be honest of you at the age of 20 there was nothing i wanted to do at the age of 20 21 22 there was nothing i wanted to do it was really nothing i wanted to that was interesting to me i mean yes i was interested in law but as far as work wise work was the farthest thing from my mind i can't lie at anybody i did not want to work

and I was confused. I'm telling you that I didn't get unconfused until 1984. The confusion that I had from 1984 was that somebody was going to make a call, they were going to get me a job, and I was going to make $100,000 a year plus working 35 hours a week and not busting my balls. I thought that I had it coming to me.

I thought because of my mind, mom dying and my situation that I thought that somebody was going to hand me a life you know and then in 84 I realized that nobody really hands you a life nobody hands your shit unless you're born and your father owns a fruit market and his father had it before then and you grow into it but those first couple years you got to pick fruit and work and still cut the lawn and still deal with customers and the whole thing then eventually it becomes yours but unless you're Unless you have that, you're going to work. And I didn't know that.

Like most people learned that you learned that at 16, you know, I was waiting for a paid day. If I worked three days on a construction site, it's because I was waiting on a paid day that was coming. I didn't know from where. Yeah, I mean, there's good and bad to it, though. Like, it's, and I'm not anywhere near good at it now, but I'm just barely learning. Is like those kind of, like, I got a job, I think, at 14. as soon as I could I could I got a permit but that didn't it made me not very good at being entrepreneurial and working I was I'm good I'm a lot better when someone's like here this is what

we're doing today or this is what you have to do and when it's just here you do all of it and decide what part we're going to start on like and that's where the doubt you talked about earlier comes in is when you when you're forced to make all the decisions and since you didn't you were all constantly making decisions, so you got good at it. And I think going from high school to college and working those corporate jobs, there's really not, I mean, you have to decide what classes you're going to take, but once you decide roughly what job you want to do, they tell you what classes you have to take, and then you get to do a few electives.

But even then, they don't really count. It's funny that I use life the same way. Okay, so they tell you, if you want to be an attorney you have to have a degree in history and you have to take a lot of math because it's problem solving so I've used that

in life sometimes like I've always said it I'll say it once I say 10,000 times I became a better comic since I started Jiu-Jitsu why because it makes me solve problems when I'm on my back

and there's a guy on top and you have to decide whether I got to retain guard try to get them into half guard or try to sweep them. Those little things you know where my daughter trains

from Ui Thai and all that shit they have a few autistic kids and I see how they start with them they put them in a different class and they start up very slow with them and I see them pick it up

muscle memory stuff like that they pick it up and it's it's the same thing that's why i do all the things i do even though i'm a stand-up because i want my mind to move my mind features are only writing and performing i wanted to do something else so for my mind yeah i go to lose weight to be healthy and so I don't turn into a fat fat shit. I go to jujitsu, but I also go because it makes me think. And once you stop thinking, so do you see how I use jujitsu just like a college?

You know, I go to Muay Thai training the other days. I do that because it makes you think about combinations and uppercuts and looking at weaknesses. So Lee likes to keep his left hand low. I'm going to throw overhand rights at them. You know, it teaches you different strategies out. So all these strategies are useful to attack life. You just apply them in a different way.

Oh, yeah. I mean, it totally makes sense. It's just, I think it's what you're talking about at the beginning, is the hard part is applying it on a consistent basis. On a consistent basis. And that's, once you apply anything like that, you know, I remember when I first went to the council, and he's like, well, you gotta take physics and this,

and there's another type of math you have to take. And I'm like, why? Right. I'm becoming an attorney. I don't want to take that shit, or I want to be a fuck. There was something else I was going for. Once they took the attorney from me,

I wanted to try it to something else. And that physics, some type of math, I just did not understand. And they go, because it's problem solving. When you're on stage and you're, a comic your problem solving yeah if you come out with two jokes and they suck you got to figure out how to get them to like you and how to get them to take the ride with you you know if and that goes for anything you know if you're a carpenter and it's going to take you a while to get used to

hold you know when you work in the winter it's completely different than working in the winter than what it is working in the summer when you're a carpenter right plus going back to a little bit about what we talked about uh or what you talked about last podcast is like how different for you was when you were being an electrician when your boss was there versus the first time you were there by yourself and like you had to make all the decisions you had to put everything up and you couldn't lean on someone else

like that's a big moment for well I'll tell you what at that age I wanted more money so when he left I went to work I went to work one thing about me was I always took pride in my work from learning I had a good work ethic I try to do that with my daughter now you know my daughter out my wife my daughter helps me she's got a little allowance of my wife already I told her in a few more months she can help me you know I'll take the bond out of here or

we'll figure out where to hide it and they can have a come clean the table I'll help her vacuum pick up the chairs dust or take an hour and I'll pay it 10 bucks my mom did a good job and then the neighborhood did a good job after that because there was always jobs in my neighborhood and I learned something from every single job you know I never forget I applied for Rendell Lumber and Marine and I went down there I told them who sent me the guy gave me a a fucking an application I filled it out and then he goes Give me five minutes for a second

He went somewhere He came back And he goes come here Follow me And he took me in the back And he goes I'm gonna pay you for a few hours work today I just want to see how you work

I want you to move These two rooms around Put that here Put that stuff there But everybody left And I looked at both rooms And I'll never forget I was gonna

Just sweep and moved the boxes, something I came up with. And I said, wait a second, this is for a job. This is for my life. Let me do this the right way. So I went in the first room. I took the boxes, whatever boxes he had, and then I put them all in the middle,

and I swept around the fucking sides. I slept all the walls. Then I took the boxes from the other room in size order I put them all up against the wall and then I put these back and then I swept all that shit into the middle I picked it up

and I went in the other room and I swept every corner, everything and picked it up I went downstairs and I go what else can I do because you done already because you probably didn't do a good job I'll never forget we went upstairs and the first thing he did was move the boxes to see if I swept behind the boxes Oh shit

And he goes You get in the job He goes you don't know how many people came in for this job And didn't sweep behind the boxes He goes I had a guy do the outside yesterday He goes why don't people move stuff when they sweep I had learned that from Mr. Bender growing up That you got to move the box

Like he was goofing on his son one day About one of the boxes And he goes, you got to move the bottle or something We're talking about a draw We're moving a draw downstairs in Aunt Josie's hallway. His Aunt Josie had a hallway in the laundry room down there.

There was a bureau. And I'll never forget that we just picked it up. He's like, no, you got to sweep behind it. So from that lesson, I learned to pick up the boxes and sweep. If I wouldn't have swept behind those boxes, I wouldn't have got the job because I would have showed the man I was lazy.

Right. And even that age, my mother was dead already. My mother was dead already. When I got the Rendell job, that's why I got the Rendell job. My mother had died already. So even at that age, I was always not intuitive,

but I knew that when you worked, you worked. I don't like people telling me what to do. I never like people saying to me, hey, don't forget to clean above the TV. Hey, don't forget to do that. Hey, don't forget, I don't fucking like that shit at all. So you just do it so I can't say it? I just do it way before they ask me.

I know they're going to ask me. Right. They're going to ask me anyway, so why am I waiting? It's a good point. I mean, it takes a while, I think, to know what they're looking for, I guess, depending on what you're doing. A hard worker is a hard worker. Somebody who's got initiative, you know,

me and we have great conversations. We always know who has a podcast. When we call them and invite them to do the podcast, they hear 10 minutes before the podcast starts. People who don't have a podcast get here a half hour before the podcast starts. you can always tell who has a podcast. You know, it's little things. You know, you've got to be at the job at 8 o'clock.

You're there at a quarter of 8. That's it. Not 5 to 8. Not 10th 8. You're there at a quarter of 8. That's if you want to raise. You want to raise? You got to be the first guy there and the last guy there to leave.

When you want to run... And that was my mentality, even at that age. You've got to be the first one here and the last one here. Yeah, I mean, it makes sense. You got to show you have to give them. They don't just give raises out because they have to. No, no. And that's people like initiative.

People like not telling people what to do. I don't like telling somebody what to do. I don't want to tell you every month, hey, wipe the door down. Can't you? You ever go to a restaurant? You're going to get something to go and the glasses, fingerprints on it? Yeah. So not one of those.

I always go in those restaurants and I count. and I look at how many employees are working and I go, now one of these fucking geniuses thought about going over there and clearing that glass. Then on the other hand, I go, fuck that glass. These poor bastards

probably make eight bucks a hour, eight dollars an hour. But then I go, fuck the $8 an hour. You should do that just representing yourself. If they don't want to do it, fuck them. But you're going to do it because you're better than they are. So do you understand the school of thought I came from? Yeah, why should I wipe that glass? It's fucking subway

They're gonna dirty in an hour You know what? Fuck it I'm not gonna wipe that glass Because all I get is $9,000 an hour plus tips You know what? I'm wiping that glass Because someday I'm gonna have a restaurant

And I want that I want the customers to see that everything is clean Everything I'm gonna eat in your restaurant If the glass is fucking dirty How do you get the flu by touching things? By touching things? touching things.

So how can the glass be dirty at a fucking restaurant? If your glass is dirty, what's your kitchen look like? What's your pussy or your asshole or your dick look or smell like? You've got to assume. No, it's true. It's true. And then how often, because we'll complain when it's bad, but every once in a while, there's a guy or a girl who you work with or you see at a store and they're just amazing.

They're just full. Like, there's nothing worse than having someone when you go in there, like, be rude to you or not even care, be like not a good. You know, I tell my wife, I go, customer service has gone down the hole in this country. Am I mad at customer service? A little bit, but I'm also mad at the amount that they pay these people. And what they're willing to make them do and the sacrifices we don't see. You know, they hire you now for 20 hours, so they don't have to give you insurance. Oh, yeah.

How much enthusiasm would you have, knowing that you don't have my back? You don't have my back. You don't have my back. There's a corporation. You got no fucking insurance because you want to have. God forbid I work 21 hours and you have to give me insurance. So if you steal from those people, they deserve it. They got to come from them.

And trust me, I've stolen from a lot of businesses I work for. But there was a lot of businesses I went to work for that I saw that there were decent people. So I gave 100% of what I had, even if that's not my job, even if cleaning that glass had nothing to do with me, I'm the type of guy, I'll clean the glass. Because that represents who we are. that door represents who we are and that's it that's the problem with everybody they only want to do their job do their job

we said it on Duncan's podcast five years ago 100 people do what people do when people aren't looking that's character nobody's looking let me let me pick up the floor because the channel 4 news is on the corner

and if they see me giving away free food at the laugh factory they'll think I'm a good person You know what I'm saying? Anybody could do that. Right. Anybody could do that. Pull over when there's nobody around. Go to Jim and Johnny's or whatever and get a veteran sandwich.

What's that chain overhead, Tony and Limers? You know, like Jersey, Jersey. Jersey mics. Like Jersey and Mike. If you like homeless people that much, go buy a sandwich and give it personally to a homeless person. That's a weird. When there's nobody watching. That's a weird thing people are doing now is they video themselves giving stuff.

Yeah, that's bullshit. I don't want a video nothing. It's so embarrassing. I make fun of those. people in that hut I pulled over there the one day and I gave them all the 20 even though I beep at them all the time and you're in the car they're not there yeah Christmas Day I gave me a 20 apiece why not I beep out of my scared of them I fuck out of them when they're in a shopping cart you got to take care of

these people you know what I'm saying I got the black guy give him a 20 every time I see him the black Vietnam vet yeah he's like your bodyguard he's I got him on call I'm surprised he doesn't make him make you see him more often I'm surprised you to know your schedule. I was homeless and someone gave me 20 bucks. I see him all the time. Oh, okay. I just pull over when I'm in the movie.

When I see him and he's close to me, then I have to make a U-turn or something. I'll pull over, asking how he's doing. If I got waters, I'll give him a water from the car. You know, what the fuck? I don't want nobody to see it. Nobody needs to see it. Nobody needs to see that you donated a charitable doubt.

I hate all that shit. Just do it because you want to do it out of your heart. not because somebody wants to see it it almost makes it seem like I guess it's still a good thing it helps people but it just makes it looks it looks it looks it it makes you look gross when people have like all the new

stories about it and that's people want you to think that there's something when they're not bro when you're a good person you just fucking do it and that's it nobody needs to know nothing as long as you know it that you're doing the right thing by your friends and you're trying

that's all that fucking matters that you don't have to take Facebook pictures and put pictures up that you know the motherfucker hugging them you know but that's what people think but going back to what we opened up with it's the truth we all come to a realization

and then we have to do something about it and I know a lot of you's listen to the podcast and you said to yourself fuck you know maybe he's got a point I don't know what my next step is you do know what your next step is you definitely

know what your next step is you just not you don't want to face that fucking mirror you don't want to go into that water well for something to happen you're gonna have to go into that water trust me it's scary but we all have to do it we all have to do that thing we don't want the most and then once you do it you realize this wasn't so fucking bad what was I feel fucking scared of you were scared of fucking that maybe something good might happen once in a while for you We're all scared of that that maybe if I do this something fucking good might happen Maybe I might lose 10 pounds maybe my diabetes might go away

Maybe I will get on that fucking show maybe maybe These are all the things you fucking have you know So use them once you come to the realization of what the fuck is really gonna happen Then you'll know I'm not telling you to quit your fucking job or quit school or quit whatever and No no no no no no don't quit no Make sure Make sure How do you make sure you know it in your fucking balls

But before you jump You know there's two sides of this coin After you jump you can't look up But before you jump I want you to look down and know What you're jumping into When I jumped into comedy I had asked

Fucking 10 million questions And there's no bigger pussy than me in the world. There's no bigger pussy. Nobody is scared of more things than I am. And I put my head down. I said, you know what, I'm going to eat this shit because I know the quicker I eat this shit, the quicker I'll get out of these fucking woods. And here we are 27 years later. And that's it. And that's that. So if there's something you feel that you want to do deep down in your balls, yeah, look at the ocean, look at it from all angles before you jump in. There's nothing wrong with that. before you spend two three hundred thousand dollars for a house you get an inspector you get people to

come over you get the roof guy you get the fucking the street guy to make sure there's no cracks in the foundation why shouldn't you check out something from head to toe before you jump into it I just want you to know that once you jump you can't look up just stay stay with your head down and listen man I could have quit comedy I had 30,000 reasons to quit comedy 30,000 dirty thousand when I got here nobody wanted to sign me ralphi got signed josh wolf got a deal brodie got an agent everybody had shit i i was the last guy to go but then the little agent signed me and i started doing good things with the little agent then the little bigger agents signed me i started doing bigger things at that agent meanwhile there's no comedy i'm still doing comedy at the store and all this thing and i'm doing

fucking taxi with queen latifah and i'm doing fucking sam ramy spider-man then i get adam sandlers and Nothing. Then I get my name is Earl and fucking nothing. Then there's a strike. I was gonna get like 18 episodes and there's a fucking strike and you know listen you put your head down. You put that fireman hat on and shit's gonna bounce over your head and just go off your shoulder. And I guarantee you. I guarantee you that you'll come close to whatever goal you have. You know it's funny in 1980sum before I got arrested on my wall had a picture of a testeroza. a Ferrari test of Rosa. And when I started working at Boulder Toyota,

that's the first thing Jim Handy said to me. He goes, what are your goals? And I go, I want a Ferrari test a Rosa. That's the way you say it. I don't even know it's the white car with the fucking things coming. It's a Lamborghini? Lamborghini, whatever the fuck it is.

I cut a picture out and I put it on my wall. Somebody told me if you want something, cut a picture out and put it in your wall. And that's what I did for years. Guess what I got? Nothing. And when I started working at a Bull Toyota one day, He asked me what I wanted.

I'm like, yeah, I want a test the rose in a Lamborghini. And he goes, write down what you're going to do to get it. And he fucking stumped me. He stumped me. First, I had to find out what the car cost. I didn't know it cost $300,000. And this is in 1988, 87. And then I actually sat down on paper, and I figured out what I had to make a month to pay for this fucking car.

That's how much of an idiot I was. So I was like, I'm going to have to. sell 27 cars a month and he's like this is not what I want you to write down I want you to write down how you're going to come up with the money to bus you understand I'm trying to say to you you've got to simplify your goals simplify it this Monday I wrote goals and guess what they were simple and tomorrow I hit them I got a couple different goals every week I got like six or seven different goals every week write six hours right six hours four workouts break the 72 points on weight watches.

If I stay in town, make sure you do five spots a week. I have a thousand goals. On Sunday night, I look at my notebook. Do two podcasts. You know, every fucking week, every fucking Sunday night, I write a new set,

and every Sunday night, I check off the fucking week. And I swear to God, if I write 11 things down, I do 10 of them. I swear to God. And the only reason why I don't fit it is maybe I don't go to a doctor

for a blood test. You know I'm scared of that shit. I always leave one off the list. Like this week, I got blood test on her again, but I woke up late this morning. Tomorrow I got something at 8 and Thursday. I got something at 10. I'll never make it back in case I faint.

Then I got a lift weights. I never make it back. But at least I always stick to those fucking goals, people. So remember, realization of what you want to do, then get down, but to get down, you got to write those fucking goals. And you're sitting there going, And Joe, we've heard this already from you about writing the goals.

You never heard about the week. Because I didn't think about it until this week about what happened to me in 1984 and how I didn't do anything about it until 90 fucking three. I prepared for that, though. Do you see what I'm saying? By looking into the well, I looked into it for nine years before I jumped. Okay, I'm a half a fact there. You got me.

Some people should take two years. It took me nine years. But I still jumped. And after this podcast was about, was going for it. It's the beginning of the year. It's January 24th. A lot of the years have lost your eye already. You've given up.

Maybe you told yourself you can't do it. You're not going to do it. You don't think you'd do it. Fuck that shit. I'm here to tell you it's the 24th. Get back on it. If you fucking went off your diet, get back on it. If you want to get back on it.

You know what? Just keep showing up. Just keep showing up. and eventually one fucking day there you'll be and how do i know because i fucking lived in that's how i fucking know don't forget bitches tonight i'm at the bray and motherfucking improv with george perrez and my main man anon i don't even know what his fucking name is from the comedy store saturday night sold out oh you got this thursday early a couple tickets for friday late and thursday is still tickets available that's all you got there do not forget i

in San Jose, Valentine's Day weekend, and then the following Friday, I'm at Treasure Island, Las Vegas, and the 23rd, I'm at the Fox Theater in Tucson, Arizona. I want to thank the Flying Jew. I want to thank fucking you guys for listening, but most of all, I got to thank my sponsors. Give me a minute here,

and this week we've got some great sponsors. As far as tonight's concerned, let me tell you something. I love fucking Robin Hood. I love what they do. My wife is more into it than I am, but I love when she shows me the app on the phone. I mean, it is tremendous. You're like, Joy, what the hell is Robin Hood?

Robin Hood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs and options and all cryptos. Ready for this one? Commission free. They strive to make financial services work for everybody, not just wealthy people, not just people who drive test roses, but guys like you, guys like me, it's a non-intiminating way

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trade stocks. They let you keep, all your profits. When my wife shows it to me, it's easy to understand charts and market data. Place a trade in just four taps on your smartphone. Are you ready? So you can place a trade in four taps.

Robin Hood platform also lets you view stock collections, sectors like entertainment and social media, and curated categories like female CEOs, analyst ratings of buyhold and sell for every stock. The most important thing about Robin Hood, This is, you know, my friend Dean LaPrette's into this stuff. You learn how to invest as you build a portfolio. A lot of you guys are young.

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What I'm going to do is this, okay? Robin Hood is giving the church family a free stock like Apple for the Sprint to help build your portfolio. Sign up at church.robinhood.com. That's church. That's church.robinhood.com. No commission, no fees, and it's a non-intiminating way for stock market newcomers to invest for the first time with true confidence. Go to church. com.

that's church.robinhood.com. The other sponsor on this is somebody, a product that I just fell in love with. Quip, they have you starting a healthy routine this year and you're sticking to it and are two very different things. Inevitable, we all skinked on the full night's sleep,

we skip on a workout or two, or you brush your teeth with a tired old toothbrush. That ends right now. We're not perfect, but we can do better. And Quip is the better electronic toothbrush. It's the best electric toothbrush that can help you. How do I know? Because I use it. My daughter uses it. My wife use it. The bristles are fantastic. They feel great. Your mouth feels refreshed. They have a timer so you know how long you're spending on your teeth. You can put the fiber of

three. It is tremendous. All right. Why do people love grip so much? People brush too hard. Some electric toothbrushes are too abrasive. Two minute timer pulses every 30 seconds. to remind you when to switch size and to help you clean your whole mouth evenly. Up to 90% of us do not brush for a full two minutes. We don't even clean evenly. Multi-cover works at a stand mounts to mirrors and slides over your bristles to pack and protect your equipment. Declutters your sink or cabinet and makes traveling with an electric toothbrush a lot easier. Plus, there's no wires or clunky charger.

It runs ready for this. three months on a single charge. Brush heads are automatically delivered on a dentist recommended schedule of every three months for just five hours. A friendly reminder why it's time for a refresh and stay committed to oral health. 75 of us use old, worn-out bristles

that are ineffective. I was until I got quip. Quip is one of the first electric toothbrushes accepted by the American Dental Association, and they're backed by over 25,000. dental professionals and they have thousands of thousands of five-star verified reviews. All right? Now, like I told you guys, I love quip.

Why the bristles, the timer, and it's easy to travel. That's why I love quip, okay? And this is why there's over a million happy, healthy miles do also. So what I'm going to do this? Quip starts at $25. And if you go to get quipped.com slash joey right now. I'm going to give you your first refill pack for free. That's right.

Go to get quipped.com slash joey right now and get your first refill pack for free. That's your first refill pack free at getquip.com slash joey. I want to thank quip. I want to thank Robin Hood. I want to thank zip recruiter. I want to thank snaps.com. I want to thank honor.

I want to thank all our sponsors. But most importantly, I want to thank you guys. for taking the ride with us. You know, I love you, motherfuckers. See you Monday morning, nice and early, ready to go. Hoop, doop, de-dupe. If not, I'll see you tonight, tomorrow night, or Saturday night in Bray, California at the Improv.

Don't forget, 8 o'clock tonight, 7.30 and 7 o'clock on Saturday night. Saturday night's all down, so you're fucked. I love you, motherfucker. Stay black. Have a great rest of the weekend. Have a great weekend. See you Monday morning, Ready, Radio Rock.

kick this fucking muley.