The Church of What's Happening Now: The New Testament - #747 - Joey Diaz on the importance being grateful

Episode Date: December 25, 2019

Joey Diaz talks about the upcoming holidays, getting ready for next year, and why being grateful is important.  This podcast is brought to you by:   Manscaped - Get 20% off your first order and a travel bag if you purchase "The Perfect Package" at www.manscaped.com and use the code CHURCH   CBD Lion - For all of your CBD needs, from shatter to gummies, go to www.CBDLion.com and use code CHURCH for 20% off.    Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a 10% discount at checkout.  

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It's Wednesday It's Christmas Day I can't make any clearer for you Here we go, baby Because right now Santa's left and you're getting ready for the new year. Kick it, Lee, kick it.

I want to see smoke coming out of your speakers. It's a pre-for-all-life, you're talking. It's a state of mind. It's high and so on mine. It's in the air, and aye, aye, aye. I can't touch you. Oh! I'll see you there with your shock,

I got mine out of you. Shake your tail brother in your face There's a little What I do We're looking at this When you're playing

The magic is in my hands I swear to die I've got me a rock and roll bad It's a free for all You know what Getting this day started Merry Christmas

To all you guys And your families Thank you very much For listening I know For a fact that for some people You know 60% of people

Listen to this podcast Are probably jumping up and down right now, they won't even listen to this podcast by Monday. But there's a lot of people, 40% of you that need this podcast. This time of the year isn't the best time of the year for everybody, you know, and I get it. I get it. I'm not, I have a family, have a wife, I have a kid, I have dear friends, but it seems like you're missing something. When you're not around your family or a family member's gone, it doesn't feel like Christmas anymore. But it still is. It still is. And last week I did the one-man show at the comedy store, and I covered a certain time in my life from 93 to 95.

And I'll never forget Christmas in 94. Christmas in 94 will always stick with me forever. For a thousand reasons. I made something out of nothing. I woke up with $3 in my pocket and stole a Christmas tree and got $180 cash and got Chinese food and stole a bike. made Jackie, my first sibling, that was the last time we saw each other, but I still remember her leaving that night

and me feeling like death. I remember putting up the decorations at duct tape. I didn't even have money to buy like Christmas tape. I had that little stuff you put her on your apartment, I don't know. You know, the glitter stuff, I put it up with duct tape. I got Chinese food delivered because it's the only people that are open. on Christmas Day. And we had a nice day together. I had a thousand gifts for her and a bike and this and that and this.

I remember her leaving and me breaking down like I usually did. And it was Christmas or there was nowhere to go do comedy or anything. And for a minute there, I'm not saying I felt suicidal, but I just didn't feel good. You know that you don't feel that day that you don't. Christmas Day, some people get up, man. not Christmas Day for them. I can imagine, especially after growing up as a kid and having presents under the tree. Yeah.

Because the whole week, it's a little different. It's not Christmas Day, you know, for some people. And I'm really sorry you feel this way. It's something that the holidays kind of bring them down. We were going to take this week off. But like I said, no, no, no, no, no, no. We need to talk about this. We need to talk about this and why you feel this way.

And it was so weird that night when she left with her mother, I sat there. And, you know, I was just looking around. I was probably getting ready to make the call to get a package. You know, you might take a go thing when things got bad. A package would make it feel better. And somewhere along that, I remember looking up, looking at this little apartment, maybe the size of this office, and going, what do I? feel bad about you know I think I was getting dressed to head to a party or something like that

somebody had invited me or to a Christmas party because you're never really alone on Christmas unless you really want to be somebody always reaches out and says hey man you want to stop by and as bad as you feel as bad as you feel you stop and you get a bottle and you get an apple pie or whatever. Once you get to that place, something about that place, you'll see the magic of Christmas. And the magic of Christmas, I was talking to somebody on the phone yesterday, and I go, listen, what are you going to do for Christmas? They said, I don't know you. I go, what are you going to do? You're going to sit by yourself?

I go, if there's a problem, swing by, I go, you have no idea what a hug from a six-year-old would do for you. It will change your whole perspective on Christmas. You know, like, for some people, it's just hitting a tape. and going, looking up and looking at strangers. You've been in that position on a Christmas day where you pop your head up and you're looking at all strangers and you ask yourself,

how did I even get here? Well, the universe took care of you. Again, the universe takes care of you as much as you don't think it's taken care of, the universe is taking care of you. I've been, you know, you know what Christmas is on the road, Lee? Do you know what it's like to go out on the road in Christmas walk? is on a Thursday and you're in Ohio

so you do Tuesday and Wednesday and Christmas Day you pretty much stay in your room and watch the parade of roses there's no budget for you to fly to see mom or to see your brothers and nothing.

So it's one of those Christmases where you're by yourself. I did four or five of those on the road where you're there. You're in fuck, not Indiana. it's you in the headliner on Christmas Day and he's got a friend in town

and it's you in this apartment and you're sitting there going Jesus, what has my life become? And all of a sudden something stops and says, wait a second, you're doing what you would want to do. This is part of the bargain. So you get up off the couch, you go down to the nearest Walmart that's open to

one. There's a bunch of old senior citizens. They got that three days away from a grave. And you look at their faces and they're happy to see you and they're welcoming you. And you go in, you buy a dollar Christmas tree, you buy a bunch of treats, you go back to the house and you watch Christmas programming and you eat your little snacks and you smoke your couple joints and you take a couple of tips of your beer. And it wasn't all that bad just by stepping out of the house and making you see some guy that's got three days left on his life saying Merry Christmas to you. That does something to you. All these little things do something to you.

And that's why I don't want you. Number one rule for tomorrow is I don't want you to be alone. You spent some time with Uncle Joey. Get out of it out. Somebody invited you someone, even if it was just to watch a game. Because you never know what could happen when you're watching a game. Whatever is there. Football games tomorrow.

There's got to be something. A college bowl game. I think the Lakers are playing, the clippers. There's something going on, you know. Do not be alone. But back to 94, I'm sitting there, I'm crying, and all of a sudden, something happened that made me open my calendar. I don't know what it was to see what I had the week ahead.

I've always had a calendar. And I remember having, like, three spots that week. Like, having, like, three real spots. Like, two guests sets of clubs. like one paid gig. And it all swirled at me then, that I was grateful. I had never been grateful before.

You have no idea how being grateful on Christmas Day makes you feel. Because most of us are sitting there thinking about what we don't have. And you really have to think about what you do have. You know, there's a guy that's part of the church family since day one. I met him through Rogan. And I don't know if he knows this.

He inspires me. Hold on. Yo. Yo. Mercy. You want to crinkle that paper a little more? What? You want to crinkle that paper a little more? All right, then.

Jesus Christ, yo. I'm over here trying to do a podcast, and you over there crinkling papers and stuff. You say, I got to deal with. This is what happens when you don't have school, and you got to drag your daughter with you, but I don't mind. I'm going to have it with me all day.

I'm going to take it to a couple places. Get her out of the house, give the mom a breather, because I'm not sure torment her mom. At some point, I got to get it to the park to do a thousand little zip recruiter things and go back and forth on the monkey bars.

I'm not sure will be jumping up and down all night. Tonight's a bad energy day. But in the middle of all this, once I became grateful, Christmas is changed. You know, Joey and I and Lee were talking about mindsets. When you do things you don't want to do, it all changes depending on how you go into it.

Listen, going to the gym sucks. You go into it. Next thing you know, you look at the clock, you're halfway there. Next thing you know, you look at the clock, and the guy's going, all right, we got our last minutes. Let's turn up the heat a little bit, and you're out of there. And you were like, what was so bad about that? you know it's it's getting yourself there i don't even know how we got on the topic you were saying

something about someone from rogan for what someone from rogan someone you met through rogan inspires you yeah and his name is kern michael michael kirk kern kern michael i met michael kirk on a rogan concert and this kid's in a wheelchair i don't know what his condition is or whatever god bless him the guy doesn't give up you see he's walking now yeah he's fucking walk you think the guy's not grateful. So next time you're sitting, you're sitting there in pity of yourself because you lost your job, your girlfriend dumped you,

she got pregnant by a different Puerto Rican. You know what? Go look at him from Michael's page. And see if there's any pity in his page. See if there's once has there been pity on his fucking page. See if there's a picture of him all mangled up.

No, it's pictures of him walking. It's pictures of him with no shirt on. Then he shows up to shows are bitches. For all you motherfuckers that are waiting for the next coming of life, this guy's in the wheelchair getting his dead dick sucked. What are you doing? What are you doing?

You know, you think about it. You really have to look at somebody like Kurt Michael to really appreciate life and go, what am I doing with my life? This guy is in a wheelchair, and he's walking around like Jesus. Remember when Jesus was hitting those people in the head and they started walking? So I look at that guy there, and I go, What am I doing in my life? I got to go make people laugh and I'm depressed.

I got to go make people laugh and I have anxiety. I'm scared. I mean, you have to this, and I'm not saying this in a negative way, but while you're sitting there falling and pity for yourself on Christmas, there's somebody else that's in a tent. Yeah.

That's somebody else that's in a shelter. There's somebody else that's under observation for psychiatric reasons for whatever it may be. And here you are sitting in your apartment watching the Rose Bowl parade, like, you know, thinking that, thinking about pulling a Chris Cornell. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Look at it from a different angle. Look at it from how grateful you are to have what you have. Your mother might be an outkeeper, but guess what? At least you got a mother. You don't see me going to my mother's, house. So whatever you might be thinking that Joey's going to Burke

Kreishe's or Tom Segura's and they're going to be jumping up and down. You got your mother. I don't have a mother. So we all have our little personal Vietnam's. But from December 23rd to January 6th, they all go away. Listen, what are they going to do? Put you in debtors prison? What are they going to do? Put you in jail because they're going to evict you? They can't, listen, be grateful for what you have. And Christmas and the rest of the year will be better. You know why I'm grateful for us on this day?

Because I know I'm getting one day closer to a new start. Listen, just like you, I'm not fond about Christmas. You don't see me with Santa hats on. I got a daughter that don't like Christmas. She don't like Santa Claus. She don't ask to take pictures of Santa Claus. I got a picture when she was two. making sure I'm between her and fucking Santa Claus.

That's how much you hate Santa Claus. I didn't teach you to hate the Santa Claus. I never even, you're supposed to love Santa Claus. She wrote Santa Claus letter. She talks about Santa, but she keeps that motherfucker at arm's distance. And that's just the way life is in times. I don't know what it is. She keeps that dude far, far, far away from her.

And like I was saying, Christmas Day for me is knowing one day. Once Christmas comes, I know I'm three or four days away from I'm unhatching my plan for the new year. You're unhatching a new venture. 2020 for you should be a new business. You're opening up a new business. How excited are you? You ever go down to the bank and you get the paperwork approved

and you find the location and you got to deal with the landlord and you've got to build the bathroom because midget's got to use a midget bathroom and you got to deal with the sign. Oh, yeah. And finally that day has come that you're going to do the grand opening soft party. Well, guess what?

That's a 2020 is. You're getting a chance to open up your own business. Think about that. No matter how bad Christmas feels, no matter how bad of a year you had this year, no matter how good of a year you have this year. Think about this. 2020, you're opening up a whole new restaurant.

Oh my God. Am I going to excited? I got go-go girls while you eat meatball. While you're eating a hamburger, women are going to come by and cut their pubs and throw them in your face. That's the idea I got for a new restaurant. I'm bullshit, your people.

What I'm trying to say to you is you have a new chance to be a new you for 2020. That thing you've been thinking about doing that's been in the back burner for the last year, it's time to execute it. So today and tomorrow you walk down the CVS, you get yourself the cheapest notebook they have, and you write down this business you're starting. This business that's called you. If your name is John Smith, it's the John Smith and I'm the CEO of my company.

How is it going to be different this year? Well, maybe John Smith has a high paying job that makes $120,000 a year with full benefits. Maybe John Smith is happy with what he has. But Major B. John Smith just wants a little more. He's in a relationship. He's got a kid. He's married. He wants a little bit more out of life.

As you get older, if you don't want more, you're retarded. When you're 38, one day, you're going to wake up and go, you know what? When I was six, I wanted to play the fucking flute in a band. And you're going to go on internet flute, and who's got a flute club around here in my neighborhood? And you're going to sit around with six other potential fags. and play the fucking flute until you're happy. I'm not saying you're gay. What I'm saying is that you're going to go play the flute or the guitar

because that's what human nature is, wanting more. There's nothing wrong with wanting more. So John Smith could be a guy that's making $120,000 a year with full benefits, but there's something missing from his life because it's better to want than to have. See, we get lied to it. We're going to go to college, and then we're going to find the life of,

our dreams and you know all you jerk us watch office space and all these movies and you think that it's just a fucking party that you go there and then afterward you get drinks and ha ha ha and it's micklebe time what's that new one make his mark the puerto rican with his mother everybody knows porto rican's drink cold 45 knock it off with fucking makers mark that commercial uh you know everybody thinks that this is going to be a life we and i have had this conversation We've seen college students around us that have graduated and think it's this TV show. Well, it's not. It's not.

It's a challenge. A lot of you guys are college graduates and you're sitting there thinking about your next meal because that piece of paper didn't do dick. Now what needs to come into balance is that piece of paper, the thing called good old American common sense. And that's what's going on with John Smith. John Smith knows he's making a ton of money for his fucking company. He sits in a goddamn cubicle all day, but he wants just a little bit more out of life,

just a little bit more. So John Smith's going to take a shot this year. He's going to take a class that's three hours a week on fucking gemology. And then once the class is over, he's going to meet somebody in that stupid class who has the same needs and interest that he has in the same position.

And maybe they get a boot at a fucking gem convention twice a year to start off. with this is what 2020 should be meaning to you right now oh it's a new decade i don't give a fuck if it's a new decade to me it's just another fucking day in a new year and it means another day in a new year that you get the chance to do what you really really really really really wanted to do not what your parents wanted not what your cunt wife is pushing you the direction fuck all that, what you really want to do. What is it that's going to add to my life?

Or how am I going to change? We have so many different options for 2020. It's ridiculous. It's ridiculous how good 2020 looks right now. And I got nothing going on. It's not like you don't see me shoot a Netflix special. You don't see me on no fucking selling a lifestyle. I got nothing.

I just know that I'm going to be a better person and I know that I'm going to be a better stand-up comic. I'm going to keep going out for that fucking store, and I'm going to keep getting better and fucking better and keep writing. I'm starting to write in a while. You know, we do have, hopefully, the book will come out this year. I've been working on putting together a vocal book,

whatever the fuck you go. Audio book? Because, listen, as far as the writing's concerned, you got a better chance of fucking Jesus coming down and raping you with his dick. Because it takes me three days to write a paragraph. It's a great paragraph, but it takes three days. At the end of the time, at the end of the week,

it's a lot of diminution returns. By the time you get Joey Dears' life story, Joey Dears will die, and whoever replaces his fucking life will be right, this life story, and even he can't write it. So I said, forget all that. We're going to switch it up. So, yeah, I have things I'm looking forward to doing.

I don't have all the opportunities a lot of other guys have, But I got one opportunity, the only one that's ahead of me. And that's being funnier. What can I do to be funny? Go deeper into my gut, say what I deeper feel of my heart, and learn how to transfer it to a paper. You don't think I'm excited about 2020 right now.

You're out of your mind. And not, you know, we think excitement and action is financial. It's lucrative. Fiv. We're going to be at bars dressed in white like Don Johnson. No, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about personal growth is the best feeling you could ever have in your life. Personal growth, knowing that you're going for something with everything you got. Yeah, you got your day job.

I get it, but guess what? What do you do at night? You talk to the kids for two minutes. You talk to your fucking wife for two minutes. Who, if you're like me, after 10 minutes, you want to stab me. the neck anyway because you got from seven to ten on this couch doing nothing say forget it two nights a week I got to go do something I'm gonna take money out of my savings I'm gonna take a fucking class at the local college something to 2020 should add something else to your fucking

life something else that you want to do what else do you want to do there's got to be something else you want to do besides be a mook and listen I'm not even talking about that I'm just talking about look at 2020 is a new beginning for your life be grateful for what you have hey you know what man i got a thousand regrets and i wish i had a thousand things but you know what sometimes it's better to want it to have it's funny again not putting anybody down here or not saying anything off color i watched the eddie murphy on s n s nil now. I didn't watch the whole episode because that's not going to happen. I haven't really heard anything that it was groundbreaking. And what I did see was a lot of smoking mirrors. I'm not saying

nothing bad about Eddie at all by no means. But it's funny that was one point I saw this on Facebook of Tracy Morgan and Chris Rock and Eddie and Dave Chappelle walking on stage. And Chappelle I'll put a cigarette out and he lit it and he goes is that allowed and he goes no and the audience got a big laugh and I thought that was cute you know I thought the whole thing was great but do you want me to tell you something and this is the funniest fucking thing in the world

I wouldn't want to be one of those guys if you paid me like I wouldn't want to have to be Shepa I don't I didn't get into comedy to be that guy is there another comedian who you would like try to be like oh if I could have their career

then I'd be happy or is it just personal to you I really admire Doug Stanhope's career and Andrew Schultz's career and I pattern it from both of theirs careers I think that my special days have come to an end

have come to that. I think that I really just want to work on my live act. You know, I don't ever have aspirations I'm going on a late night show. Like, I've never watched them, so I have no aspirations. If it was Johnny Carson

and somebody would come to me and say, they want you to do six minutes clean. For him, I would do it. But that stuff, You know, somebody told me a very interesting thing the other day. And you know me, guys. I'm raised Cuban, I'm Santeria and Catholic. But I love a couple things in the Buddhist religion.

I really do. And a dear friend of mine who's a Buddhist said to me, write something, write it down seven times what you really want. And I did it. I did it at the end of that. I stood up until two. I got really high. And I wrote it down just to see what the answer was.

and after seven times it got shorter and shorter and shorter. The other night, my daughter was on some app, called ABC something. ABC, not the kid one that you see commercialized. Mercy. Mercy. Thank God. She don't know nothing like a lot of fire in an asshole.

She wouldn't know. Not that I would do that. She's my beautiful little daughter. but it's some maybe she's something and it goes by grades and she'll let her use my computer and I heard dad

I was watching world news tonight and I didn't know if she had just gotten stuck and then 20 minutes later I hear dad and I go over and she goes dad I don't know how to put this into a file on this app this kid's app had a page to write this leather Santa Claus on it

now I knew she had to written a letter to Santa Claus, but I think she wanted to double check he got it. So she wrote it to him on the internet, on the fucking cloud. And when I read the letter, I got to tell you something. I had to get up and wipe my tears from my face. She wrote A Dear Santa. I've been a good girl this year. I've really tried.

I've made a few mistakes. At this point, I'll take whatever you give me. I'll take anything that you give me but what I really want for Christmas is to be happy This is from the mind Of a six-year-old And this is what we fucking forget guys That's it

That's it Do you know what I felt like when I read that That I took a page out of a six-year-olds Like that's it Last Sunday night When I got home from my second set at the store and I did my closing arguments for the day of my notebook. I wrote that it's Sunday,

and it doesn't matter if they bombed Japan. If a young cum cum, who sends a missile over here, if they impeached Trump, nothing really matters. It's fucking Christmas. It's Christmas. It's time to be happy.

It's time to, all that shit that you put through throughout the year, hating your boy, and being mad at this person, all that stuff goes away. And let me tell you some, it took me 56 years to realize that. I'm no fucking genius,

but I'm telling you right now, about four years ago, it came to me. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. All the hard work and all the suffering you put in this year ends on the 22nd or 23rd. You have to put your mind somewhere else. You have to put your mind on the good things that happen.

Yeah, but Joey, your cat died. Yeah, but Joey, you ate a bag of Dixon, Lou Orleans. Yeah, Joey, you missed a flight in Atlanta. Dog, I had a thousand shortcomings this year. But I tell you, what shortcoming I didn't have? I ruined a new 20, 30 minutes. You know, I'll tell you what shortcomings I didn't have, but I didn't give up on my health.

I had a lot of shortcomings, but there's a lot of things I didn't do. I didn't stop being who the fuck. I was and who the fuck I believed in. I could care less about the cancer culture or whatever, the other culture you got. The only culture I got is the culture that comes up between my fucking legs that looks like yogurt, but it tastes like death milk.

So that's the only culture I think about. But I really want you to think about this year. While you're sitting there today after you're listening to a few podcasts, forget about everything else, man. It's about what you have. And it's about three days from now when your fucking plan gets hatched. Can you imagine that?

This thing you've been dreaming about for years that you've been scared of trying because you might fail. Who gives a fuck? You know how many times you've got to fail before you? If you try it the first time, it's just going to flourish. That's the problem with people. We've become two, we think that after one or two tries, that that's it. My life is done.

Bitch, your life is starting. And you got 19 more failures before you even move another inch on this fucking field. This football field we're playing on? You're trying to move. It's an inch of a game. You watch games.

You think you can go in there and stand behind where the quarterback is and actually drop and throw a ball 10 yards? No, you can't. You can't. The first three times they give you the ball. You're going to have to put your head down and move forward.

and you're just going for the game of inches. So right now, if you're in the position in your life that you're playing in the game of inches, this is what it is. Some people are playing the game of six inches. Some people are playing the game of feet. I play in the game of inches. And I'll never, ever change that. No disrespectly.

I go to Super Bowl 91, the Giants against the New England Patriots. the New England Patriots missed a field goal. But you know what, the New England Patriots missed that day? They missed the... I think Belichick was still the coach of the Giants day. Oh, wow. It was a while ago. That was 91 when Scott Norwood mixed the field goal.

You have to watch that game to understand. Check and see if Belichick was a giant coach in 91. Just for my own sanity and just to try on to the people at the house, understand what I'm trying to talk about here, you know what I'm saying? It said it was Roy Hanley. Of the Giants? Yeah. And who was his assistants?

Let's see here. I don't think Malichick was in New England still. I still thought it was Parcells and he was a disciple of Parcells, so I wasn't sure. But anyway, when you want... He doesn't think whose things were. What? I'm still looking for his assistance. It's really funny.

When you watch that game in 1990, the giant, Salu, got to use a tissue, the Giants couldn't beat New England if they wanted to 10 years over. It's like when the Giants beat, when they beat the Denver Broncos, they had Phil Sims at the quarterback, and Phil Sims won 23 for 25.

Phil Sims couldn't hit 23 people in a whole fucking decade, never mind in the Super Bowl. Do you mean the season, like the Super Bowl in the 1990s? So was the 1990 season? Could that be it? Whatever the hell would. I don't know because then... Buffalo Bills played the Giants.

Okay. Where did the Buffalo Bills played the Giants? That's fine. Yeah, it was 90. So, yeah, Bellichick was an assistant coach. The Giants? Yes. Okay, if you watch that game, I know I'm not retarded here.

Thank God. I know. Ray Hanley was the coach. I knew if you watched that game, the Giants couldn't beat Newark. They had a quarterback, I think Jeff Hostel. That guy couldn't even pass a ball. Couldn't even pass a ball.

It was a shame. New England could have beat them a thousand times But you know how the giants beat them Yeah They didn't give them the ball That works That's how much they broke it down This is way before the sign stealing

And the helicopters are camera I mean, pilot checks like NASA This guy's got drones He's got a lot of tricks He's got a lot of tricks but this is the advantage of winning. This is what you have to... Guys, he's cheating.

But when winning becomes that much to you, that's a problem. But that's a complete different episode. I'm trying to talk to you right now about that Super Bowl. Because that Super Bowl, watching that Super Bowl, I was still married, I was still very unhappy. I think the tatters were all over. This family from Boulder, who they were both trying to be millionaires.

Now they got 19 fucking kids. and the wife is still a cunt. So it doesn't matter. And the husband's a cunt, too. They turned on me during the divorce. I never forgot you, you're filthy fucks. Anyway, they were all over the house. We were eating onion dip like normal Americans.

This was way before hummus, before suicide bombers and people were getting blown up. And this is, you know, this is when America was America. And fucking, you know, the Giants played New England, in the Super Bowl, and they beat him with a guy named O.J. Anderson that was a 36-year-old running back. Wow. And what their objective was was to run out the clock, take as much time as they could in between

plays, and let this guy run three yards of the time. Three yards of the time. Three yards at the time. They changed the offensive line. Three yards of the time. Put in another scyards. skinny black guy, let him run one yard. OJ, take a breather.

Three more, and then they'll beat them. You're like, Joey, your fucking point. How many times was a guy run for three yards? A thousand times. They took the ball away, and they, but what I'm going back to this, they had a plan for that game. They had a plan for that game.

When I ate the dick with Netflix on the way home, I made a plan for my podcast. my stand-up and my personal life. And I stuck to them to the best of my ability, and I'm reaping some of the rewards. Some of them, you can't be, you know, if you go for four and you get three out of four, you can't complain.

You got three out of four. It's like I told Lee, Lee and I were talking about a weight watch, a diet. And I go, Lee, first of all, the diet isn't a diet. It's called the lifestyle change. It's your lifestyle.

change. It's not a diet. Diet's an ugly word. Diet is the N word of health. Don't use diet. It's a lifestyle change. Instead of eating that piece of toast, I'm going to eat an apple. Instead of drinking that smoothie, I'm going to drink water.

It's a lifestyle change. But we're talking about a particular thing about the Weight Watch is how it worked. How it teaches you to like make deals with yourself? Make deals with yourself. You know? Like,

I'll do this and I won't do this. I'll do this and I won't do this. It's kind of the same thing. You know, I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. The one thing I wanted to talk to you about, and not to disagree with you, but at the beginning we're like, don't be alone because I've been alone on a lot of holidays

and there's people who are working tomorrow today and they'll be alone, or maybe they move somewhere new. I definitely see what you're saying, how we were talking about on the last podcast, where if you have some mental health, it's not good to, like, isolate. And I agree with that.

But I think there are some people who, and like almost, like, I'm looking forward to spending a day and, you know, going over my notes or just doing nothing for a few hours. To me, I sometimes enjoy it. I haven't. You haven't. All right. You don't want to sit alone. You could sit. I don't mind you waking up at nine and looking for your notes and jerking off one time and maybe taking a bag of clothes that you don't need.

and getting it ready to take it to the fucking Salvation Army under 26. Maybe taking your time, taking a shower. But you know what? Take care of yourself. The worst thing scenario, go to Denny's. Get the four-by-four died. Go out. See the beauty that there is out there.

I know some people like to be alone. You're talking to the person that invented being alone. You're talking to somebody who's an only child. You had a brother and you like being alone. Think about somebody who was raised being alone. I love being alone. Yesterday had a prime example. Yesterday I had not much on the plate.

It was Monday. What I needed to do was lift. I lift every Monday at 10 with a trainer. And I had nothing else to do. My wife was going to Universal. We were running a bunch of things. Nobody really knew because there's no school this week. I did what I had to do.

I went and lifted. I went home and I made 15 calls, 15 east. emails, I'd end up motherfucking a few people, whatever. But then I forced myself to get the hell out of the house because I know I'm going to be in the house all week. I'm going to be in the house all week. It's Christmas. I'm not going out of the night.

I force myself to call down to the Comedy Store Thursday night. And don't get me wrong. If Christmas Eve, Christmas night, things ain't going good. Or there's a midnight showing of uncut gems. I will be at the Comedy Store Christmas night. Tonight, just sitting around to watch comedy. I try to get on stage, but I'm not there to step on some of these toes. Somebody always cancels on Christmas.

Right. Because they realize they went somewhere and had two cocktails. Some nights there'll be six, some nights they'll just pull an open mic up there on Christmas. Oh, geez, I might have to go. Yeah, because nobody shows up down there. So depending on how I feel tonight, I might shoot down there. That's just the way it is. I didn't call in for it.

definitely be down there tomorrow night. Then I got Calusa Thursday. And I don't have, yeah, they opened up some tickets for San Francisco. So if you want to go, this is the chance to get your tickets right now. I know you got a little envelope for Christmas. Grandma gave you a 50, a savings bond. If you traded in, you get $21. Who cares about the 30-year growth.

You ain't got time for that stuff anyway. You know what I'm saying? What I'm trying to say to you is this, man. Be grateful for what you have. Don't worry about what you don't have. Christmas Day, you did the best you can. There's no use crying over spilled milk at this point over the year. The year is done.

The year is done and gone, and it's never going to come back again. You know what? My cats are never going to come back. Netflix is never going to give me another special. There's a thousand things that aren't going to happen. But you know what? 2020's coming. And I know there's going to be a good year for you guys and for myself.

Whether it's Bob Linguish, whether it's, I know how. Hubs is having a hard time up there. I know a thousand of you guys that, you know, Scott Cunningham, I want to congratulate you on the birth of your new child. I'm watching. Guys, I'm watching. You know what I'm saying? Lawn Rosenker still supporting after all these years.

I'm watching you guys. And we still got to tighten it family. This is more than a podcast. This is a state of mind. And this is two people who have no reason. we do all our communication online. Can you believe that? Can you believe that?

We do all the communication online and then I come to your hometown. You shake my hand and we take a picture and we move on for the rest of the year. But listen, today is not the day to worry about what happened three months ago. Today is not the day to worry about what happened six months ago.

Today is not the day that what happened to worry about what happened 20 years ago. What happened, acknowledge it, and make the best of what happened. the day is it's Christmas it's Christmas I don't know if Jesus is born today I don't know if Puerto Rican showed up I don't know what happened I'm not here to chronoloch alone whatever the word is chronologic guys Christmas and what it means and sharing you know what you're broke you don't have money to give nobody gifts that's fine a smile and a hug just does is just

does just as well. A smile and a hug will get the same response as giving somebody a wallet a tie. You'll get a wallet. Maybe you'll give you a wallet and you felt worse than what you already did. You know, a bad gift.

No gift is a bad gift. I'm going to tell you what's always a good gift. A handshake, a look at an eye, and telling somebody you love them, thank you for doing what you do. You know what's always a great gift? A hug and just saying, hey man, I remember.

remember what you did for me this year. You made me laugh at my roughest time. That's the best, that's a Christmas gift that never, ever fails. A handshake, tell them somebody you love them and giving them a hug and going, hey, there's what it's all about at the end of the week. I wanted to buy your helicopter, but my funds were short. I'm barely making rent. You know what I'm saying? If I wanted to give the gifts that I wanted to the people, I wouldn't eat. I'd be homeless. There's people that deserve great gifts this year. But you know what? They're going to get the gift of my friendship.

And that's the best gift you could ever have. And the gift that you're going to give me by listening, by, you know, taking little notes, by whatever, is the gift of your friendship. That's all you need to worry about this Christmas. Tonight, when you're eating dinner or when you're not eating dinner, look around you, see what you have and see how good you really have it.

You were waking up this morning. feeling bad about yourself, you're fucking. You got 2020, make the best of it, write down your goals and go for it. That's it. I know you're successful. I know you have a job, but I also know in high school you wanted to play the

ukulele and put a wig on backwards and sing like Lady Gaga. I never told anybody then. Yeah, no. You don't need to tell me. I know your deepest secrets. I see you lurking outside of gay bars thinking what's going to happen. I go in there with this little virgin ass. But hey, take a chance. Columbus did.

2020 is around the corner. You're going to hear from us next week. We'll do a couple podcasts for you. We're not going to leave you out in the cold on New Year's Eve and during the week. So we will definitely be back. Like I said, I got a couple tickets open for San Francisco. We have Fresno. We have Bakersfield in January.

And we also have the second show added at the 10th. Tabernacle Theater in Atlanta, Georgia, which I'm excited about, get to go hang out with Gladys Knight, stand online, eat some whatever the hell black soul food, and I'm ready to go. You know what I'm saying?

I show up on stage with a big dick and Afro and a picture of Black Panther. It was the last time you showed up with a picture of Black Panther. Before we leave real quick, I want to thank our sponsors. I've been with us since day one.

I want to thank Onit.onit.com has always been there for us since day one. You understand me? Why? Because I believe in them and they believe in us. Me, as far as I'm concerned, AlphaBrain is the way to go. Why? Because they give you 100% money back guarantee and they don't even want the product back. That's class.

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Listen, I'll see you guys in San Francisco. If not, we'll talk next week. We're going to rock your world. I love you guys with all my heart. I want you to remember what I said. Be grateful today with what you have and what you don't have. Because maybe what you have, you don't need anybody. Sometimes it's better to want than to have.

I love you guys. Thank you for supporting the podcast. I want to thank the Christkiller. I want to thank myself for showing up here Monday and Wednesday, But I also want to thank you guys for being savages and for always having my back. I love you guys. Have a merry, Merry Christmas. Hug your families and have a great, safe day.

Take this meal, Lee.