#747 - Joey Diaz on the importance being grateful
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02:35and get 20% off your little Christmas order thereso you start the new year off on the right foot.And when I tell you this,I also talk to you about honor in the same way.Honit's got the Alpha Brain.Look, 100% money back guarantee.And right now they're running a contest.You buy Onet, Alpha Brain.
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03:04They give you a year supply of honorIt just doesn't startGo to honor dot com right nowAnd get your bottle of alpha brainAnd cut this shitIt's your lucky year2020 is the way to goKick this meal, Lee
03:17It's WednesdayIt's Christmas DayI can't make any clearer for youHere we go, babyBecause right nowSanta's leftand you're getting ready for the new year.Kick it, Lee, kick it.
03:31I want to see smoke coming out of your speakers.It's a pre-for-all-life, you're talking.It's a state of mind.It's high and so on mine.It's in the air, and aye, aye, aye.I can't touch you.Oh!I'll see you there with your shock,
03:57I got mine out of you.Shake your tailbrother in yourfaceThere's a littleWhat I doWe're looking at thisWhen you're playing
04:06The magic is in my handsI swear to dieI've got me a rock and rollbadIt's a free for allYou know whatGetting this day startedMerry Christmas
04:21To all you guysAnd your familiesThank you very muchFor listeningI knowFor a fact that for some peopleYou know60% of people
04:30Listen to this podcastAre probably jumping upand down right now, they won't even listen to this podcast by Monday. But there's a lot of people,40% of you that need this podcast. This time of the year isn't the best time of the year foreverybody, you know, and I get it. I get it. I'm not, I have a family, have a wife, I have a kid,I have dear friends, but it seems like you're missing something. When you're not around yourfamily or a family member's gone, it doesn't feel like Christmas anymore. But it still is. It still is.And last week I did the one-man show at the comedy store, and I covered a certain time in my life from 93 to 95.
05:13And I'll never forget Christmas in 94.Christmas in 94 will always stick with me forever.For a thousand reasons.I made something out of nothing.I woke up with $3 in my pocket and stole a Christmas tree and got $180 cash and got Chinese food and stole a bike.made Jackie, my firstsibling, that was the last time we saweach other, but I still remember her leaving that night
05:43and me feeling like death. I rememberputting up the decorations at duct tape. I didn't even have money to buylike Christmas tape. I had that little stuff you put her onyour apartment, I don't know. You know, the glitter stuff, I put it up with duct tape.I got Chinese food delivered because it's the only people that are open.on Christmas Day.And we had a nice day together.I had a thousand gifts for her and a bike and this and that and this.
06:12I remember her leaving and me breaking down like I usually did.And it was Christmas or there was nowhere to go do comedy or anything.And for a minute there, I'm not saying I felt suicidal, but I just didn't feel good.You know that you don't feel that day that you don't.Christmas Day, some people get up, man.not Christmas Day for them.I can imagine, especially after growing up as a kid and having presents under the tree.Yeah.
06:40Because the whole week, it's a little different.It's not Christmas Day, you know, for some people.And I'm really sorry you feel this way.It's something that the holidays kind of bring them down.We were going to take this week off.But like I said, no, no, no, no, no, no.We need to talk about this.We need to talk about this and why you feel this way.
07:02And it was so weird that night when she left with her mother, I sat there.And, you know, I was just looking around.I was probably getting ready to make the call to get a package.You know, you might take a go thing when things got bad.A package would make it feel better.And somewhere along that, I remember looking up, looking at this little apartment,maybe the size of this office, and going, what do I?feel bad about you know I think I was getting dressed to head to a party or something like that
07:39somebody had invited me or to a Christmas party because you're never really alone on Christmasunless you really want to be somebody always reaches out and says hey man you want to stop byand as bad as you feel as bad as you feel you stop and you get a bottle and you get an apple pieor whatever. Once you get to that place,something about that place, you'll see the magic of Christmas.And the magic of Christmas, I was talking to somebody on the phone yesterday,and I go, listen, what are you going to do for Christmas?They said, I don't know you. I go, what are you going to do? You're going to sit by yourself?
08:18I go, if there's a problem, swing by, I go,you have no idea what a hug from a six-year-old would do for you.It will change your whole perspective on Christmas.You know, like, for some people, it's just hitting a tape.and going, looking up and looking at strangers.You've been in that position on a Christmas daywhere you pop your head up and you're looking at all strangersand you ask yourself,
08:42how did I even get here?Well, the universe took care of you.Again, the universe takes care of you as much as you don't think it's taken care of,the universe is taking care of you.I've been, you know, you know what Christmas is on the road, Lee?Do you know what it's like to go out on the road in Christmas walk?is on a Thursdayand you're in Ohio
09:05so you do Tuesday and Wednesdayand Christmas Dayyou pretty muchstay in your roomand watch the parade of rosesthere's no budget for you to flyto see mom or to see your brothersand nothing.
09:19So it's one of those Christmaseswhere you're by yourself.I did four or five of those on the roadwhere you're there.You're infuck, not Indiana.it's you in the headliner on Christmas Dayand he's got a friend in town
09:38and it's you in this apartmentand you're sitting there goingJesus, what has my life become?And all of a sudden something stops and says,wait a second, you're doing what you wouldwant to do. This is part of the bargain.So you get up off the couch,you go down to the nearest Walmart that's open to
10:02one. There's a bunch of old senior citizens. They got that three days away from a grave.And you look at their faces and they're happy to see you and they're welcoming you. And you go in,you buy a dollar Christmas tree, you buy a bunch of treats, you go back to the house and you watchChristmas programming and you eat your little snacks and you smoke your couple joints and you take a coupleof tips of your beer. And it wasn't all that bad just by stepping out of the house andmaking you see some guy that's got three days left on his life saying Merry Christmas to you.That does something to you.All these little things do something to you.
10:43And that's why I don't want you.Number one rule for tomorrow is I don't want you to be alone.You spent some time with Uncle Joey.Get out of it out.Somebody invited you someone, even if it was just to watch a game.Because you never know what could happen when you're watching a game.Whatever is there.Football games tomorrow.
11:00There's got to be something.A college bowl game.I think the Lakers are playing, the clippers.There's something going on, you know.Do not be alone.But back to 94, I'm sitting there, I'm crying,and all of a sudden, something happened that made me open my calendar.I don't know what it was to see what I had the week ahead.
11:21I've always had a calendar.And I remember having, like, three spots that week.Like, having, like, three real spots.Like, two guests sets of clubs.like one paid gig.And it all swirled at me then,that I was grateful.I had never been grateful before.
11:43You have no idea how being gratefulon Christmas Day makes you feel.Because most of us are sitting there thinking about what we don't have.And you really have to think about what you do have.You know, there's a guy that's part of the church familysince day one.I met him through Rogan.And I don't know if he knows this.
12:07He inspires me. Hold on.Yo.Yo.Mercy.You want to crinkle that paper a little more?What?You want to crinkle that paper a little more?All right, then.
12:20Jesus Christ, yo.I'm over here trying to do a podcast,and you over there crinkling papers and stuff.You say, I got to deal with.This is what happens when you don't have school,and you got to drag your daughter with you,but I don't mind.I'm going to have it with me all day.
12:35I'm going to take it to a couple places.Get her out of the house,give the mom a breather,because I'm not sure torment her mom.At some point,I got to get it to the parkto do a thousand little zip recruiter thingsand go back and forth on the monkey bars.
12:50I'm not sure will be jumping up and down all night.Tonight's a bad energy day.But in the middle of all this,once I became grateful,Christmas is changed.You know, Joey and I and Lee were talking about mindsets.When you do things you don't want to do,it all changes depending on how you go into it.
13:14Listen, going to the gym sucks.You go into it.Next thing you know, you look at the clock, you're halfway there.Next thing you know, you look at the clock,and the guy's going, all right, we got our last minutes.Let's turn up the heat a little bit, and you're out of there.And you were like, what was so bad about that?you know it's it's getting yourself there i don't even know how we got on the topic you were saying
13:36something about someone from rogan for what someone from rogan someone you met through rogan inspires youyeah and his name is kern michael michael kirk kern kern michael i met michael kirk on a roganconcert and this kid's in a wheelchair i don't know what his condition is or whatevergod bless him the guy doesn't give up you see he's walking now yeah he's fucking walk you think the guy's notgrateful. So next timeyou're sitting, you're sitting there in pityof yourself because you lost your job,your girlfriend dumped you,
14:07she got pregnant by a different Puerto Rican.You know what?Go look at him from Michael's page.And see if there's any pity in his page.See if there'sonce has there been pity on hisfucking page. See if there'sa picture of him all mangled up.
14:24No, it's pictures of himwalking. It's pictures of him with no shirton. Then he shows up toshows are bitches.For all you motherfuckers that are waiting for the next coming of life,this guy's in the wheelchair getting his dead dick sucked.What are you doing?What are you doing?
14:40You know, you think about it.You really have to look at somebody like Kurt Michael to really appreciate life and go,what am I doing with my life?This guy is in a wheelchair, and he's walking around like Jesus.Remember when Jesus was hitting those people in the head and they started walking?So I look at that guy there, and I go,What am I doing in my life?I got to go make people laugh and I'm depressed.
15:04I got to go make people laugh and I have anxiety.I'm scared.I mean, you have to this,and I'm not saying this in a negative way,but while you're sitting there fallingand pity for yourself on Christmas,there's somebody else that's in a tent.Yeah.
15:22That's somebody else that's in a shelter.There's somebody else that's under observationfor psychiatric reasons for whatever it may be.And here you are sitting in your apartmentwatching the Rose Bowl parade,like, you know, thinking that,thinking about pulling a Chris Cornell.No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
15:45Look at it from a different angle.Look at it from how grateful you areto have what you have.Your mother might be an outkeeper,but guess what?At least you got a mother.You don't see me going to my mother's,house. So whatever you might be thinking that Joey's going to Burke
16:03Kreishe's or Tom Segura's and they're going to be jumping up and down.You got your mother. I don't have a mother. So we all have our littlepersonal Vietnam's. But from December 23rd to January 6th, they all go away.Listen, what are they going to do? Put you in debtors prison? What are they going to do?Put you in jail because they're going to evict you? They can't, listen, be grateful forwhat you have.And Christmas and the rest of the year will be better.You know why I'm grateful for us on this day?
16:35Because I know I'm getting one day closer to a new start.Listen, just like you, I'm not fond about Christmas.You don't see me with Santa hats on.I got a daughter that don't like Christmas.She don't like Santa Claus.She don't ask to take pictures of Santa Claus.I got a picture when she was two.making sure I'm between her and fucking Santa Claus.
17:01That's how much you hate Santa Claus.I didn't teach you to hate the Santa Claus.I never even, you're supposed to love Santa Claus.She wrote Santa Claus letter.She talks about Santa, but she keeps that motherfucker at arm's distance.And that's just the way life is in times.I don't know what it is.She keeps that dude far, far, far away from her.
17:23And like I was saying, Christmas Day for me is knowing one day.Once Christmas comes, I know I'm three or four days away fromI'm unhatching my plan for the new year.You're unhatching a new venture.2020 for you should be a new business.You're opening up a new business.How excited are you?You ever go down to the bank and you get the paperwork approved
17:50and you find the location and you got to deal with the landlordand you've got to build the bathroombecause midget's got to use a midget bathroomand you got to deal with the sign.Oh, yeah.And finally that day has comethat you're going to do the grand opening soft party.Well, guess what?
18:08That's a 2020 is.You're getting a chance to open up your own business.Think about that.No matter how bad Christmas feels,no matter how bad of a year you had this year,no matter how good of a year you have this year.Think about this.2020, you're opening up a whole new restaurant.
18:31Oh my God.Am I going to excited?I got go-go girls while you eat meatball.While you're eating a hamburger,women are going to come by and cut their pubsand throw them in your face.That's the idea I got for a new restaurant.I'm bullshit, your people.
18:45What I'm trying to say to you isyou have a new chance to be a new you for 2020.That thing you've been thinking about doingthat's been in the back burner for the last year,it's time to execute it.So today and tomorrow you walk down the CVS, you get yourself the cheapest notebook they have, and you write down this business you're starting.This business that's called you.If your name is John Smith, it's the John Smith and I'm the CEO of my company.
19:16How is it going to be different this year?Well, maybe John Smith has a high paying job that makes $120,000 a year with full benefits.Maybe John Smith is happy with what he has.But Major B. John Smith just wants a little more.He's in a relationship.He's got a kid.He's married.He wants a little bit more out of life.
19:36As you get older, if you don't want more, you're retarded.When you're 38, one day, you're going to wake up and go, you know what?When I was six, I wanted to play the fucking flute in a band.And you're going to go on internet flute, and who's got a flute club around here in my neighborhood?And you're going to sit around with six other potential fags.and play the fucking flute until you're happy.I'm not saying you're gay.What I'm saying is that you're going to go play the flute or the guitar
20:05because that's what human nature is, wanting more.There's nothing wrong with wanting more.So John Smith could be a guy that's making $120,000 a year with full benefits,but there's something missing from his lifebecause it's better to want than to have.See, we get lied to it.We're going to go to college,and then we're going to find the life of,
20:27our dreams and you know all you jerk us watch office space and all these movies and you think thatit's just a fucking party that you go there and then afterward you get drinks and ha ha ha and it'smicklebe time what's that new one make his mark the puerto rican with his mother everybody knowsporto rican's drink cold 45 knock it off with fucking makers mark that commercial uh you knoweverybody thinks that this is going to be a life we and i have had this conversationWe've seen college students around us that have graduated and think it's this TV show.Well, it's not.It's not.
21:03It's a challenge.A lot of you guys are college graduates and you're sitting there thinking about your next mealbecause that piece of paper didn't do dick.Now what needs to come into balance is that piece of paper, the thing called good old American common sense.And that's what's going on with John Smith.John Smith knows he's making a ton of money for his fucking company.He sits in a goddamn cubicle all day,but he wants just a little bit more out of life,
21:31just a little bit more.So John Smith's going to take a shot this year.He's going to take a class that's three hours a weekon fucking gemology.And then once the class is over,he's going to meet somebody in that stupid classwho has the same needs and interest that he hasin the same position.
21:48And maybe they get a boot at a fucking gem conventiontwice a year to start off.with this is what 2020 should be meaning to you right now oh it's a new decade i don't give afuck if it's a new decade to me it's just another fucking day in a new year and it means anotherday in a new year that you get the chance to do what you really really really really reallywanted to do not what your parents wanted not what your cunt wife is pushing you the directionfuck all that, what you really want to do.What is it that's going to add to my life?
22:30Or how am I going to change?We have so many different options for 2020.It's ridiculous.It's ridiculous how good 2020 looks right now.And I got nothing going on.It's not like you don't see me shoot a Netflix special.You don't see me on no fucking selling a lifestyle.I got nothing.
22:48I just know that I'm going to be a better personand I know that I'm going to be a better stand-up comic.I'm going to keep going out for that fucking store,and I'm going to keep getting better and fucking betterand keep writing.I'm starting to write in a while.You know, we do have, hopefully, the book will come out this year.I've been working on putting together a vocal book,
23:10whatever the fuck you go.Audio book?Because, listen, as far as the writing's concerned,you got a better chance of fucking Jesus coming downand raping you with his dick.Because it takes me three days to write a paragraph.It's a great paragraph, but it takes three days.At the end of the time, at the end of the week,
23:28it's a lot of diminution returns.By the time you get Joey Dears' life story,Joey Dears will die,and whoever replaces his fucking life will be right,this life story, and even he can't write it.So I said, forget all that.We're going to switch it up.So, yeah, I have things I'm looking forward to doing.
23:46I don't have all the opportunitiesa lot of other guys have,But I got one opportunity, the only one that's ahead of me.And that's being funnier.What can I do to be funny?Go deeper into my gut, say what I deeper feel of my heart,and learn how to transfer it to a paper.You don't think I'm excited about 2020 right now.
24:07You're out of your mind.And not, you know, we think excitement and action is financial.It's lucrative.Fiv. We're going to be at bars dressed in white like Don Johnson.No, no, no, no, no.I'm talking about personal growth is the best feeling you could ever have in your life.Personal growth, knowing that you're going for something with everything you got.Yeah, you got your day job.
24:38I get it, but guess what?What do you do at night?You talk to the kids for two minutes.You talk to your fucking wife for two minutes.Who, if you're like me, after 10 minutes, you want to stab me.the neck anyway because you got from seven to ten on this couch doing nothing say forget it two nightsa week I got to go do something I'm gonna take money out of my savings I'm gonna take a fuckingclass at the local college something to 2020 should add something else to your fucking
25:05life something else that you want to do what else do you want to do there's got to be somethingelse you want to do besides be a mook and listen I'm not even talking about that I'm just talkingabout look at 2020 is a new beginning for your life be grateful for what you have hey you know whatman i got a thousand regrets and i wish i had a thousand things but you know what sometimesit's better to want it to have it's funny again not putting anybody down hereor not saying anything off color i watched the eddie murphy on s n s nilnow. I didn't watch the whole episode because that's not going to happen. I haven't really heard anythingthat it was groundbreaking. And what I did see was a lot of smoking mirrors. I'm not saying
26:01nothing bad about Eddie at all by no means. But it's funny that was one point I saw this on Facebookof Tracy Morgan and Chris Rock and Eddie and Dave Chappelle walking on stage. And ChappelleI'll put a cigarette out and he lit itand he goes is that allowed and he goes noand the audience got a big laugh and I thought that was cuteyou know I thought the whole thing was greatbut do you want me to tell you somethingand this is the funniest fucking thing in the world
26:33I wouldn't want to be one of those guysif you paid melike I wouldn't want to have to beShepa I don'tI didn't get into comedyto be that guyis there another comedian who you wouldlike try to be like oh if I could have their career
26:52then I'd be happy or is it just personal to youI really admireDoug Stanhope's careerand Andrew Schultz's careerand I pattern itfrom both of theirs careersI think thatmy special days have come to an end
27:16have come to that.I think thatI really just want to work on my live act.You know, I don't ever have aspirationsI'm going on a late night show.Like, I've never watched them,so I have no aspirations.If it was Johnny Carson
27:39and somebody would come to me and say,they want you to do six minutes clean.For him, I would do it.But that stuff,You know, somebody told me a very interesting thing the other day.And you know me, guys.I'm raised Cuban, I'm Santeria and Catholic.But I love a couple things in the Buddhist religion.
28:01I really do.And a dear friend of mine who's a Buddhist said to me,write something, write it down seven times what you really want.And I did it.I did it at the end of that.I stood up until two.I got really high.And I wrote it down just to see what the answer was.
28:18and after seven times it got shorter and shorter and shorter.The other night, my daughter was on some app,called ABC something.ABC, not the kid one that you see commercialized.Mercy.Mercy.Thank God.She don't know nothing like a lot of fire in an asshole.
28:43She wouldn't know.Not that I would do that.She's my beautiful little daughter.but it's somemaybe she's somethingand it goes by gradesand she'll let her use my computerand I heard dad
28:56I was watching world news tonightand I didn't know if she had just gotten stuckand then 20 minutes later I hear dad and I go overand she goes dad I don't know how toput this into a file on this appthis kid's app hada page to writethis leather Santa Claus on it
29:15now I knew she had towritten a letter to Santa Claus, but I think she wanted to double check he got it.So she wrote it to him on the internet, on the fucking cloud.And when I read the letter, I got to tell you something.I had to get up and wipe my tears from my face.She wrote A Dear Santa.I've been a good girl this year.I've really tried.
29:39I've made a few mistakes.At this point, I'll take whatever you give me.I'll take anything that you give mebut what I really want for Christmas is to be happyThis is from the mindOf a six-year-oldAnd this is what we fucking forget guysThat's it
30:01That's itDo you know what I felt like when I read thatThat I took a page out of a six-year-oldsLike that's itLast Sunday nightWhen I got home from my second set at the storeand I did my closing arguments for the day of my notebook.I wrote that it's Sunday,
30:24and it doesn't matter if they bombed Japan.If a young cum cum,who sends a missile over here,if they impeached Trump,nothing really matters.It's fucking Christmas.It's Christmas.It's time to be happy.
30:42It's time to,all that shit that you put through throughout the year,hating your boy,and being mad at this person,all that stuff goes away.And let me tell you some,it took me 56 years to realize that.I'm no fucking genius,
30:58but I'm telling you right now,about four years ago, it came to me.It doesn't matter.It doesn't matter.All the hard work and all the suffering you put in this yearends on the 22nd or 23rd.You have to put your mind somewhere else.You have to put your mind on the good things that happen.
31:19Yeah, but Joey, your cat died.Yeah, but Joey, you ate a bag of Dixon, Lou Orleans.Yeah, Joey, you missed a flight in Atlanta.Dog, I had a thousand shortcomings this year.But I tell you, what shortcoming I didn't have?I ruined a new 20, 30 minutes.You know, I'll tell you what shortcomings I didn't have,but I didn't give up on my health.
31:43I had a lot of shortcomings, but there's a lot of things I didn't do.I didn't stop being who the fuck.I was and who the fuck I believed in.I could care less about the cancer cultureor whatever, the other culture you got.The only culture I got is the culture that comes upbetween my fucking legs that looks like yogurt,but it tastes like death milk.
32:04So that's the only culture I think about.But I really want you to think about this year.While you're sitting there todayafter you're listening to a few podcasts,forget about everything else, man.It's about what you have.And it's about three days from now when your fucking plan gets hatched.Can you imagine that?
32:28This thing you've been dreaming about for years that you've been scared of trying because you might fail.Who gives a fuck?You know how many times you've got to fail before you?If you try it the first time, it's just going to flourish.That's the problem with people.We've become two, we think that after one or two tries,that that's it.My life is done.
32:52Bitch, your life is starting.And you got 19 more failuresbefore you even move another inchon this fucking field.This football field we're playing on?You're trying to move.It's an inch of a game.You watch games.
33:06You think you can go in thereand stand behind where the quarterback isand actually drop and throw a ball 10 yards?No, you can't.You can't.The first three times they give you the ball.You're going to have to put your head downand move forward.
33:19and you're just going for the game of inches.So right now, if you're in the position in your lifethat you're playing in the game of inches, this is what it is.Some people are playing the game of six inches.Some people are playing the game of feet.I play in the game of inches.And I'll never, ever change that.No disrespectly.
33:42I go to Super Bowl 91, the Giants against the New England Patriots.the New England Patriots missed a field goal.But you know what, the New England Patriots missed that day?They missed the...I think Belichick was still the coach of the Giants day.Oh, wow.It was a while ago.That was 91 when Scott Norwood mixed the field goal.
34:06You have to watch that game to understand.Check and see if Belichick was a giant coach in 91.Just for my own sanity and just to try on to the people at the house,understand what I'm trying to talk about here, you know what I'm saying?It said it was Roy Hanley.Of the Giants?Yeah.And who was his assistants?
34:31Let's see here.I don't think Malichick was in New England still.I still thought it was Parcells and he was a disciple of Parcells, so I wasn't sure.But anyway, when you want...He doesn't think whose things were.What?I'm still looking for his assistance.It's really funny.
34:58When you watch that game in 1990,the giant, Salu, got to use a tissue,the Giants couldn't beat New Englandif they wanted to 10 years over.It's like when the Giants beat,when they beat the Denver Broncos,they had Phil Sims at the quarterback,and Phil Sims won 23 for 25.
35:20Phil Sims couldn't hit 23 peoplein a whole fucking decade, never mind in the Super Bowl.Do you mean the season, like the Super Bowl in the 1990s?So was the 1990 season?Could that be it?Whatever the hell would.I don't know because then...Buffalo Bills played the Giants.
35:35Okay.Where did the Buffalo Bills played the Giants?That's fine.Yeah, it was 90.So, yeah, Bellichick was an assistant coach.The Giants?Yes.Okay, if you watch that game, I know I'm not retarded here.
36:01Thank God.I know.Ray Hanley was the coach.I knew if you watched that game,the Giants couldn't beat Newark.They had a quarterback, I think Jeff Hostel.That guy couldn't even pass a ball.Couldn't even pass a ball.
36:20It was a shame.New England could have beat them a thousand timesBut you know how the giants beat themYeahThey didn't give them the ballThat worksThat's how much they broke it downThis is way before the sign stealing
36:38And the helicopters are cameraI mean, pilot checks like NASAThis guy's got dronesHe's got a lot of tricksHe's got a lot of tricksbut this is the advantage of winning.This is what you have to...Guys, he's cheating.
36:56But when winning becomes that much to you, that's a problem.But that's a complete different episode.I'm trying to talk to you right now about that Super Bowl.Because that Super Bowl, watching that Super Bowl,I was still married, I was still very unhappy.I think the tatters were all over.This family from Boulder,who they were both trying to be millionaires.
37:17Now they got 19 fucking kids.and the wife is still a cunt.So it doesn't matter.And the husband's a cunt, too.They turned on me during the divorce.I never forgot you, you're filthy fucks.Anyway, they were all over the house.We were eating onion dip like normal Americans.
37:33This was way before hummus,before suicide bombers and people were getting blown up.And this is, you know, this is when America was America.And fucking, you know, the Giants played New England,in the Super Bowl, and they beat him with a guy named O.J. Anderson that was a 36-year-oldrunning back.Wow.And what their objective was was to run out the clock, take as much time as they could in between
38:04plays, and let this guy run three yards of the time.Three yards of the time.Three yards at the time.They changed the offensive line.Three yards of the time.Put in another scyards.skinny black guy, let him run one yard.OJ, take a breather.
38:22Three more, and then they'll beat them.You're like, Joey, your fucking point.How many times was a guy run for three yards?A thousand times.They took the ball away, and they,but what I'm going back to this,they had a plan for that game.They had a plan for that game.
38:42When I ate the dick with Netflix on the way home,I made a plan for my podcast.my stand-up and my personal life.And I stuck to them to the best of my ability,and I'm reaping some of the rewards.Some of them, you can't be, you know,if you go for four and you get three out of four,you can't complain.
39:06You got three out of four.It's like I told Lee,Lee and I were talking about a weight watch,a diet.And I go, Lee, first of all,the diet isn't a diet.It's called the lifestyle change.It's your lifestyle.
39:18change. It's not a diet. Diet'san ugly word. Diet isthe N word of health.Don't use diet. It's a lifestylechange. Instead ofeating that piece of toast, I'm going to eatan apple. Instead of drinking thatsmoothie, I'm going to drink water.
39:34It's a lifestyle change. But we're talkingabouta particular thing about theWeight Watch is how it worked.How it teaches you to likemake deals with yourself?Make deals with yourself.You know? Like,
39:48I'll do this and I won't do this.I'll do this and I won't do this.It's kind of the same thing.You know, I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.The one thing I wanted to talk to you about,and not to disagree with you,but at the beginning we're like,don't be alone because I've been alone on a lot of holidays
40:05and there's people who are working tomorrow todayand they'll be alone,or maybe they move somewhere new.I definitely see what you're saying,how we were talking about on the last podcast,where if you have some mental health,it's not good to, like, isolate.And I agree with that.
40:20But I think there are some people who, and like almost, like, I'm looking forward to spending a day and, you know, going over my notes or just doing nothing for a few hours.To me, I sometimes enjoy it.I haven't.You haven't.All right.You don't want to sit alone.You could sit.I don't mind you waking up at nine and looking for your notes and jerking off one time and maybe taking a bag of clothes that you don't need.
40:48and getting it ready to take it to the fucking Salvation Army under 26.Maybe taking your time, taking a shower.But you know what?Take care of yourself.The worst thing scenario, go to Denny's.Get the four-by-four died.Go out.See the beauty that there is out there.
41:07I know some people like to be alone.You're talking to the person that invented being alone.You're talking to somebody who's an only child.You had a brother and you like being alone.Think about somebody who was raised being alone.I love being alone.Yesterday had a prime example.Yesterday I had not much on the plate.
41:27It was Monday.What I needed to do was lift.I lift every Monday at 10 with a trainer.And I had nothing else to do.My wife was going to Universal.We were running a bunch of things.Nobody really knew because there's no school this week.I did what I had to do.
41:44I went and lifted.I went home and I made 15 calls, 15 east.emails, I'd end up motherfucking a few people, whatever.But then I forced myself to get the hell out of the housebecause I know I'm going to be in the house all week.I'm going to be in the house all week.It's Christmas.I'm not going out of the night.
42:02I force myself to call down to the Comedy Store Thursday night.And don't get me wrong.If Christmas Eve, Christmas night, things ain't going good.Or there's a midnight showing of uncut gems.I will be at the Comedy Store Christmas night.Tonight, just sitting around to watch comedy.I try to get on stage, but I'm not there to step on some of these toes.Somebody always cancels on Christmas.
42:29Right.Because they realize they went somewhere and had two cocktails.Some nights there'll be six, some nights they'll just pull an open mic up there on Christmas.Oh, geez, I might have to go.Yeah, because nobody shows up down there.So depending on how I feel tonight, I might shoot down there.That's just the way it is.I didn't call in for it.
42:48definitely be down there tomorrow night.Then I got Calusa Thursday.And I don't have, yeah, they opened up some tickets for San Francisco.So if you want to go, this is the chance to get your tickets right now.I know you got a little envelope for Christmas.Grandma gave you a 50, a savings bond.If you traded in, you get $21.Who cares about the 30-year growth.
43:09You ain't got time for that stuff anyway.You know what I'm saying?What I'm trying to say to you is this, man.Be grateful for what you have.Don't worry about what you don't have.Christmas Day, you did the best you can.There's no use crying over spilled milk at this point over the year.The year is done.
43:26The year is done and gone, and it's never going to come back again.You know what?My cats are never going to come back.Netflix is never going to give me another special.There's a thousand things that aren't going to happen.But you know what?2020's coming.And I know there's going to be a good year for you guys and for myself.
43:45Whether it's Bob Linguish, whether it's, I know how.Hubs is having a hard time up there.I know a thousand of you guys that, you know, Scott Cunningham,I want to congratulate you on the birth of your new child.I'm watching.Guys, I'm watching.You know what I'm saying?Lawn Rosenker still supporting after all these years.
44:05I'm watching you guys.And we still got to tighten it family.This is more than a podcast.This is a state of mind.And this is two people who have no reason.we do all our communication online.Can you believe that?Can you believe that?
44:21We do all the communication onlineand then I come to your hometown.You shake my hand and we take a pictureand we move on for the rest of the year.But listen, today is not the dayto worry about what happened three months ago.Today is not the day to worry about what happenedsix months ago.
44:38Today is not the day that what happenedto worry about what happened 20 years ago.What happened, acknowledge it,and make the best of what happened.the day is it's Christmas it's Christmas I don't know if Jesus is born today I don't know ifPuerto Rican showed up I don't know what happened I'm not here to chronoloch alone whatever theword is chronologic guys Christmas and what it means and sharing you know what you're brokeyou don't have money to give nobody gifts that's fine a smile and a hug just does is just
45:12does just as well.A smile and a hugwill get the same responseas giving somebody a walleta tie. You'll get a wallet.Maybe you'll give you a walletand you felt worse than what you already did.You know, a bad gift.
45:27No gift is a bad gift.I'm going to tell you what's always a good gift.A handshake, a look at an eye,and telling somebody you love them,thank you for doing what you do.You know what's always a great gift?A hug and just saying,hey man, I remember.
45:42remember what you did for me this year. You made me laugh at my roughest time. That's the best,that's a Christmas gift that never, ever fails. A handshake, tell them somebody you love themand giving them a hug and going, hey, there's what it's all about at the end of the week.I wanted to buy your helicopter, but my funds were short. I'm barely making rent. You know what I'msaying? If I wanted to give the gifts that I wanted to the people, I wouldn't eat. I'd behomeless. There's people that deserve great gifts this year.But you know what?They're going to get the gift of my friendship.
46:17And that's the best gift you could ever have.And the gift that you're going to give me by listening,by, you know, taking little notes, by whatever,is the gift of your friendship.That's all you need to worry about this Christmas.Tonight, when you're eating dinneror when you're not eating dinner, look around you,see what you have and see how good you really have it.
46:40You were waking up this morning.feeling bad about yourself, you're fucking.You got 2020,make the best of it,write down your goals and go for it.That's it. I know you're successful.I know you have a job, but I alsoknow in high school you wanted to play the
46:56ukulele and put a wig on backwardsand sing like Lady Gaga.I never told anybody then. Yeah, no. You don't needto tell me. I know your deepest secrets.I see you lurking outside of gay barsthinking what's going to happen. I go in there with this littlevirgin ass. But hey, take a chance.Columbus did.
47:132020 is around the corner.You're going to hear from us next week.We'll do a couple podcasts for you.We're not going to leave you out in the cold on New Year's Eve and during the week.So we will definitely be back.Like I said, I got a couple tickets open for San Francisco.We have Fresno.We have Bakersfield in January.
47:38And we also have the second show added at the 10th.Tabernacle Theater in Atlanta, Georgia,which I'm excited about,get to go hang out with Gladys Knight,stand online,eat some whatever the hellblack soul food, and I'm ready to go.You know what I'm saying?
47:55I show up on stagewith a big dick and Afroand a picture of Black Panther.It was the last time you showed upwith a picture of Black Panther.Before we leave real quick,I want to thank our sponsors.I've been with us since day one.
48:11I want to thank Onit.onit.com has always been there for us since day one.You understand me?Why?Because I believe in them and they believe in us.Me, as far as I'm concerned, AlphaBrain is the way to go.Why?Because they give you 100% money back guarantee and they don't even want the product back.That's class.
48:34That's American.That's what I'm talking about.You want to start a new year on the right foot, AlphaBrain.You want to work out, you want to have a little bit more confidence.Shroom tech, shroom tech sport.You get on planes, you travel, you get on planes, you get on trains.You get an Uber.What's the Uber mutt when you got to get on there with six people and everything smells?
48:56Uber pool.This is for you, Shroom tech amueling.Avoid the flu.Avoid all this thing.Wash your hands.This is the time of the year.So do me a favor.You want to get a kettlebell, a 25 pound to start doing.
49:11little cobbler squats and farmer walks.You wanted to get club bats to give yourself a little bit more flexibility in your shoulders,little strength in your wrist.On it has it all.We've been together for seven years and listen, I still do all their products.Whether it's the protein bar, the mint chocolate, whether it's the ICT with coconutcreamer for your coffee my wife uses, whether it's the protein on it.the way to go.
49:42But now that they have the lottery ticket,get the Alphabrain.You got to lose.You win the honor experience.Aubrey Marcus personally takes you to that really good barbecue plays.You train at the honor facility.Honnets doing great things.What I'm trying to say is go to audit.com right now and press in church and get 10%
50:02off your first order delivered to your house.Also, 2020, you want to focus on your health.You got a little pains.You can't.know really what they are from time to time your elbow, your knee, your shoulder. CBD lion.com hasthe answer. I've been with them for months and I'm not with them. I'm with them. They're with us andyou're with us. You understand me? What's the old term? I'm with you. You're with me and they'rewith us. I reached out to them after I had their product. I used the tension. I lived by the gummy bears.
50:35This hamstring problem I had, I rubbed that CBD line, thousand milligram.whatever it is, 500 milligram on my thigh every night when I got out of the shower.CBD Lion works.Right now, you're looking at a store across the street from your house.They sell cigarettes.They sell Jewel and they sell CBD and that's who you want to do business with.Listen, go to CBDLion.com right now.Look at that third party test results.
51:03Whether you want shatter, whether you got vapor.They got bath.What do you call them?Bombs now.Are you kidding me?A CBD bat bomb.CBD line.com.Press in church and get 20% off your first door.
51:19That's how we do it.And this is my most prize possession for you guys.Manscaped.The best and below the belt grooming.It's Christmas time.It's Christmas day.And your fucking helmet looks like Santa.You got gray hairs.
51:34At least I do.But not really.Why?Because I manscaped.They've created the only.tool you need to shave your nuts sacks and the area around the pole of love.It's called the Lone Moa 2.0. You have no idea. There was tons of anxiety. For years, I didn'teven take a look down there. I didn't even shave it. You got to shave it. It looks like the
51:58Unabomber. You understand me? That's what your dick looks like the Unabomber. So stop it,clean it off, clean it, trim it, give it a little sideburn, give it a little Nazi,an exclamation point, whatever.Be creative.Place one order and take care of everything you need.Why?Because they have something called the perfect package.You get the loan more,
52:19you get a pair of anti-shafing boxesthat won't scratch your sack.Plus, they're going to throw in the crop preserver.A deodorant for balls and the reviver.A Sprit that tones and refreshes your junkand keeps you cool.It's like the CGI package they used on the Irish.your balls are smooth with the perfect package you'll be as smooth as a snowman you understand me so do me a favor
52:45you want 20 20 to start a new thing you want to get on tender you want women to do dirty things withif you show up and you're not trimmed and you're not prepared what they're going to thinkyou only got 10 minutes to make a good impression maybe your face ain't right maybe you're missing atooth maybe you got bad breath but won't they see that you stickand it's all trimmedand they see the love in that stick of debtand those nuts are shavedand they look like an Arab
53:17when he's neatly trimmed, you know what I'm saying?Like they're like the little pointsthey're going to say this is what we're going for,baby boy, this guy is taking care of his dickand it starts with Manscapeand Manscaped also makes a big, a great Christmas gift.Like I said, place one orderand take care everything with the perfect package.
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54:08Listen, I'll see you guys in San Francisco.If not, we'll talk next week.We're going to rock your world.I love you guys with all my heart.I want you to remember what I said.Be grateful today with what you have and what you don't have.Because maybe what you have, you don't need anybody.Sometimes it's better to want than to have.
54:29I love you guys.Thank you for supporting the podcast.I want to thank the Christkiller.I want to thank myself for showing up here Monday and Wednesday,But I also want to thank you guys for being savages and for always having my back.I love you guys.Have a merry, Merry Christmas.Hug your families and have a great, safe day.
54:48Take this meal, Lee.
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