The Commercial Break - Phil Mickelson's Half-Hard Monster

Episode Date: July 25, 2026

EP950: the Mountain Monsters have long been off air, but that won't stop TCB from revisiting some of their finest work! Like Dragons, Lizards and Phil Mickelson half-hard putter.  TCB is a The Commercial Break LLC production Visit: www.TCBpodcast.com Insta: @thecommercialbreakBryan Green on Insta: @BryanWGreen Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Created by: Bryan Green Written by: Bryan Green, Krissy Hoadley Produced by: Astrid Green & Gustavo  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

On this episode of the commercial break. Running around the hills of, what did he call it, Pechooly? Waka, Waka, Haca, Hacca, Pocahontas, Virginia. I think that's a made-up name. I don't think there's a real Pocahontas, Virginia. See this video. I'm ready. You want to show it to us?

I'm pretty anxious. Greece is an avid hunter. He spends a lot of time in the woods. So if anybody... Chris is an avid drinker. He spends a lot of time by himself. Buck. It says Buck's a rookie.

Hey. Well, oh, this must be a whale. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at him. Young Buck. Young Buck? Young Buck? I love it. Uncle Buck, Young Buck. It was what should and shouldn't be out in these woods. It'd be him. You guys tell me what this is. Right there. That's Phil Mickelson's half-erect.

The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Oh, yeah, guys and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. There we are. I'm Brian. Here's my dear friend. And the co-host, Chris, Joy, Holtley. Best to you, Chris! Yeah. Best to you out there on the podcast and streaming audience. Thanks for joining us.

Episode two in a day. Look, we're doing two in a day. Boom. A while since we've done that. We used to do three in a day. God. Three a day, three times a week. Yeah, I know.

That was crazy. We're doing nine episodes a week. And I don't even know what was going on. How many were we putting out? I don't know. But alternately, we had episodes every day where we were supposed to have episodes. So maybe there's some method to that madness back then.

But, you know, we're just together. I don't want to burn ourselves out. We've got to make sure we're taking it easy. Like Trump, we're going to spend 85% of our time not working. And then that 15% of the time, we're going to be really bad at what we do. Just like Trump. War with Iran continues as gas prices. Fly through the roof, Chrissy.

Again. 407 at the old pump the other day. Yeah, absolutely. But don't worry, everything's fine. Everything's fine. Everything is fine. Do the gas prices upset you? Yes and no.

I mean, we have a hybrid. Oh, okay. So that goes a lot further with the gas. How many miles do you get to the gallon? I think it's like 32, 33. Okay. Something like that. So not as many as I thought you might.

But 32 or 33. I think that's what it says. A little like miles of the gallon thing. 35. I don't know. Well, you do a lot of city driving. So yeah. Yeah.

Okay. But then I also do the Kroger pump. Me too. Yep. Of course. Kroger or Sam's, one of the two. Yeah, that really helps. But yeah, no, it's annoying.

It's annoying is what it is. I wouldn't say it's breaking the bank quite yet. But it does make a difference when you go to the gas station and you pay either $60 or $100 to fill up. That's a big difference. And you do start to notice that. And it does start to feel like you're getting squeezed. At all corners is a little bit of extra.

So, you know, we got to get out of these forever wars. And I know that's like a big buzzword right now, but this is exactly what Trump promised he was not going to do. And the one thing that I agreed with was let's not be internationalists and play the world's police officer every time there's a boo-boo. Right. Let's be smart. Let's have really good diplomatic corps that helps where needed. We'll have good aid programs to help those. who are out there in need and in cases like in Africa where, you know, 200,000 people get slaughtered

in 13 days. Like, that's where I could see intervention makes sense. Why the fuck are we in Iran? You know, we were doing fine. Everything was, not that we were doing fine. Iran wants us to die. They've always wanted us to die. At least the leadership does, right?

But it's not like we've exactly been good to them either. So, you know, here's the thing. We had this whole program with Obama, the J-C-O-P-T, What did Trump call it the JCP? The JCP. We had this whole JCP thing and everything was okay. We were doing all right. You know, we had monitors that were monitoring nuclear programs.

And now it's just a big hot mess. I think he got cocky after the whole Venezuela thing and thought he could go in there and strong arm Iran. And they're like, no. No. Iran wasn't Venezuela. It's just like two different, two different things altogether. First of all, and you do have to say this. You've got to give credit where credit is due. The men and women of our military, the best on Earth at what they do.

They went into Venezuela with magic spaceship weapons and, you know, incapacitated everybody with some super weird weapon. And then took Maduro out in his bathrobe. And bam, bam, thank you, ma'am. Everyone's gone. Four people died. Not on our side, but four people total died. And making a lot of Venezuelans very happy that Maduro was gone. but now they've left the same regime in charge.

It's now the same mess with a different face. And so, you know, my thoughts on it back then were good. Let's see what happens next. And now it's like same old, same old. It's just the same stuff. Now there have been some changes. You know, now that you can fly down there from the United States of America, the embassies are back open.

There's small changes that are meaningful for the people that live down there and live here. But Iran is just a whole different ball of wax. And just think, like, let's get out. Let's not do this again. Where we're in Afghanistan for 14 fucking years with no good way out. And hundreds of thousands of people on both sides killed and maimed and forever changed. These wars, they do nothing but create extremism. That's it.

That's all they do. They just create extremism. Because even if you are the most regime-hating, democracy-loving, you know, a fucking Bruce Springsteen listening motherfucker in Iran and you just want that, you know, you're all about freedom and democracy of which there are millions of Iranians who are and who have expressed that. If you're getting bombed, night after night after night,

I can see attitudes changing real quick. So I don't want to get into like a whole rant here, but I just say this to say that I, I appreciate that now even Republicans are starting to go, but, you know, then we can't fund these words. Then you can't then, Mike Johnson, pass these reconciliation bills with extra billions and billions of dollars to make more missiles and make more bombs that are going to continue to get us deeper and deeper. I swear to God, if boots go on the ground and Iran, I don't know, I don't know that a Republican will ever be voted back in office. I mean, I think the Republicans are and have a really hard choice to make right now.

And that is, do they suck the eternal cock of their dear leader? and continue to get all the benefits that come with that, the riches and the gold-plated, you know, penis trophies in the Oval Office. Or do they stand up, they take a stand and say, we're not funding this war anymore. You've got to find a way out. You've got to sit down and talk to these people and find a way out and have a backbone and maybe suffer some election losses because of it.

Or Trump just goes and gets pissed off. But, you know, I don't know. you think to like some of these Republicans and Democrats, Democrats, Democrats are guilty of this too a lot. They like worry about how they're going to be perceived like 50 years from now. Do you ever think about that? Like what's my legacy? How am I going to be perceived? How are things going to go down?

How am I going to be remembered? And it's like Lindsey Graham. The guy died. What's he going to be remembered for? His flippity floppity nature on everything. His chameleon-like ability to change. change his mind at any given moment to fit whatever, you know, no, pun intended, pun intended, whatever ball he's going to lick next.

Like, that's just it. That's how he was. That's how he will be remembered. He will not be remembered for anything else, except for his vitriol around abortion, and then his hawkishness about sending our troops anywhere in the world to kill people, and then also his ability to never say the same thing twice. I mean, don't you think? And his whole gay situation.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. That's the worst. The worst is to be, like, so self-hating that you have to make life miserable for everybody else that is in your exact same position. That's like, it's just, it's mind-blowing to me that even as late as 2025 and 26 that Lindsay Graham was still so damn anti-homosexual, LGBTQ and clearly homosexual. Clearly. It's no secret. There's like lovers that have written books. and articles and talked online. They're coming out of the woodwork on Instagram. They're like, yeah, Vinzy Graham paid me $700 to lick them like a dog. And it's like, oh, my God, you know? And he was pushing anti-LGBQ agendas, left, right, and center. Mainly right, but, you know, left, right and center. There you go.

All right. So I say all this to say that Mountain Monsters is still a show that's on. Thank God for Mountain Monsters. Someone says, got to take care of that. shit house on fire before helping the neighbors with theirs. You're right. You got you do have to, you got to put out the fire in your own house before you go get buckets of water for somebody else's house. Yes. And there's enough problems in our own country. Yes. I almost didn't even disagree with them bombing the nuclear facilities in Iran. I almost thought, okay, I can see

why that would be a thing that, especially Israel. And I think, I think here's part of the challenge is that I think we're really a puppet for Israel right now. And that bothers me. That really does. Not because I am pro, you know, I think the Israeli people should have a place to live. And I think that they should be able to live in peace and all that other stuff, as do I think that of the Palestinians and the Lebanese and all the other people. But I think that this Netanyahu is gotten inside of Trump's mushy brain and found a way to stick in it. He might, Netanyahu has pictures or something of Trump because Trump is so willing to do. anything that Netanyahu says.

And now he's got us in a war. And the Israelis have now said, they are not going to take part in any more bombing campaigns over there. So they're now letting us do their dirty work and we're paying for it. And that is fucking bullshit. But you're exactly right, slap that base. The reality is we have so many problems here at home. And we're paying attention to none of them because we're over somewhere else in a far-flung world fighting a pretend ghost.

And everything was okay. until we started bombing them, and now the whole global economy is about to shut down. Anyway, okay. He says, I always pictured Lindsay Graham as a little yappy lap dog to whoever is in charge. True. So true. He did the same thing with Bush Jr. If I remember correctly, that was his first term.

Same thing with Obama. Same thing with, same thing with, he was even, like, didn't he become like a reasonable voice during the Biden administration? He was like hanging out with Biden. Unbelievable. Anyway, okay, I know you have to be a bit of a chameleon to be in politics anyway, so I get the game. That's the way the game is played. But what I really am concerned about is mountain monsters. Let's talk about that. So Mountain Monsters is a show that Chrissy and I used to take great joy in reviewing. It's just the best. But it is. But we got away from it for a minute, and I'm sorry about that. I want to get back to where we used to be. Our roots. Back to our roots. So I went searching a couple days ago for a new Mountain Monsters episode. Now, I don't know if they still make new Mountain Monster episodes. I'm not 100% sure. It's unclear to me. I guess they're like on a break, but they have ordered another season or something like that. But what Travel Channel is doing, travel channel, because that's where you should get Mountain Monsters. Travel Channel is exactly where Mountain Monsters should be. The Travel Channel. Travel Channel. I know it all changed.

They even talk about travel anymore? I remember a time when Travel Channel, you would turn on. Yes. And they would tell you about far-flung, beautiful locations that you could go visit. They would give you tours of hotels or be on a cruise ship or, you know, all these travel-related shows. And there's not, I don't think there's a single travel-related show on the Travel Channel anymore. No, we all got grouped under that discovery. Yeah.

And then they all just, now's it. That's right. They're all just showing 90-day Fiancey reruns. Okay. So Mountain Monsters, what they're doing now is they are, it looks like, repurposing some older and some newer content into episodes like the best of this, the countdown that. But I saw one. It was like dragons. They're chasing dragons.

And say no more. Let's chase dragons. Flying fire breathing dragons in the mountains of South Kakalaki. I'm all about it. Absolutely. We haven't done a dragon episode. Hug buck fucking Chuck. Let's get down to it.

We haven't done a good mountain monsters in a long time. So let's do this. Why don't we take a short break? And when we get back, as we promised, we'll talk with our good friends, huck, chuck, buck, fuck. Huckleberry. That's right. Huckleberry. What a name.

All right. Give us two and two. We'll be back. Let me do something Brian has never done. Be brief. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break. Text or call us. 212-4333-3-T-CB.

That's 212-433-3822. Visit our website, TCB Podcast.com, for all the audio, video, and your free sticker. Then watch all the videos at YouTube.com slash the commercial break. And finally, share the show.

It's the best gift you could give a few aging podcasters. See, Brian? That really wasn't that difficult, now was it? You're welcome. In the work, I've been working out hard. I've been trying my best. To make it this fall So tough

I've been waxing my Why won't you look at my Do you cheat on me? Don't you love Lonely Frankie babe Action I be But I just can't find a lady Who wants to be my girl

I've been getting new It's so tan I'm living with my daughter eating tuna from a can Why won't you look at my... Oh my God I am reading this Phil Mickelson thing is out of control

Phil Mickelson is out of fucking control Another allegation from Pat Perez's wife that Phil was showing her nude photographs of his erect ding-dong, his half-hard, you know, 50-year-old cock, while Pat Perez was, like, in the bathroom at a restaurant. He was like, hey, take a look at my ding-jing. It's like, oh, my God. Why would you be taking, why would you be showing your ping-pang to anybody at a dinner? Even if you are, I mean, I have been incredibly drunk.

Chrissy, have you ever seen one photograph of my half-hard penis? No. Because, first of all, I just know, even in my drunkenest. stay and I'm like no one wants to see that and turn off the lights. But second of all, like, what hairy testicles must Phil Mickelson have on his chuchaw to like break out a a photo of his erect penis at a dinner while someone else's husband is in the bathroom? He's lost it. Wow. Wow. No wonder he's golfing with Trump. The two of them have brains for Mush for brains.

All right, okay. Mountain Monsters is back here at the commercial break, the long way to return of our friends. Huckleberry, chuckleberry, fuckleberry, tickleberry, dingleberry. Here we go.

Let's see as a Mountain Monsters do. Yeah. Woohoo. One guy that yells. That's all they does. Yeah, he's just awesome. All right, hold on one second. We're here in Pocahontas County, West Virginia,

and we're going after the Fire Dragon. Fire Dragon. Mm-hmm. In 1920s, when this creature was first sighted, it's been hunting down heat. This critter is dangerous. I would say so. I would say if there's a fire. What did he call?

Fire dragon. Fire dragon running around the hills of, what did he call it, Pachulae? Waka Haca Haccahanna. Pocahontas, Virginia. I think that's a made-up name. I don't think there's a real Pocahontas, Virginia. See this video. I'm ready.

You want to show it, too? Yeah, I'm pretty anxious. Gris is an avid hunter. He spends a lot of time in the wild. woods. So if anybody... Chris is an avid drinker. He spends a lot of time by himself.

Buck! He says Buck's a rookie. Hey. Oh, well, oh, this must be a whale. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at him. Young Buck. Young Buck.

Young Buck? I love that. Uncle Buck, Young Buck. It knows what should and shouldn't be out in these woods. It'd be him. You guys tell me what this is. Right there. That's Phil Mickelson's half erect.

I know what should... I know what should. be in these woods. It's not Phil Mickelson's dick. Whoa. I see you right there. Whoa. Big big big. I don't see anything. I know.

Well, there's so much glare on this TV, first of all. I can see it over there. Never seen nothing like yet. I think he was standing there getting some sun. That is an incredible video. I can actually see the Ben Over. That's a dog. What are you guys talking about? They highlight it.

First of all, it's not very big. impressive. Second of all, it looks like a dog. Third of all, it's AI. Everything's AI. Three right there. The video told me that the creature was probably six, six and a half foot tall. And he's standing on his hind legs and he has a tail out behind him. And then just instantly he drops down on all fours and takes off down over the mountain. Just like my wife did. Not of our first wedding. I'm the son of a bitch that's been after heat. We need to create heat for this

creature. create that heat and he don't come to it. He's going to go down for the winter. He's going to hibernate. So Huckleberry is going to take his belly and rub it real fast along this tree. We're going to create ourselves a mountain monster. A whacking tree fire. This investigation would be over.

We're going to head back out of here. Oh, here they are. We're going to Hontas County, and we're hunting the fire dragon. Fokohana County. That's not a thing. A fire dragon. Dragon is a huge reptilian creature. It's got a real long tail, and it's over 10 feet long.

We just said it was 6 feet long, so it's not over 10 feet long. Is it, Buck? You're just lying to us. Whoa, oh, hey, sit him down there. Willie! We're just walking along. He's right there. Everything's okay.

He just fell. It's so dramatic. I know, it's so dramatic. Willie fell into a real deep hole. Willie, all right? He didn't fall into a deep hole. There's no hole. Stop it.

All right. That's a tunnel. What the hell? What the hell? The fire breathing dragon with no imposable thumbs takes a shovel to build a tunnel. I was scared that there was a snake in our backyard. I saw holes in the backyard. This is years ago.

I had my neighbor over, and I said, you think that's a snake hole? And he goes, how do you think a snake would dig a hole? Fair point, Justice. Fair point. But I don't know. But I'd like to think that I do. Oh, man. That's a big-ass hole back down in there, guys.

He could be nesting way back up in there. Well, it gets the temperatures like it is now. I think it's fighting hibernation now. He'll stay the same temperature at ground is underneath. Yeah. This could be definitely a hibernation. A hibernation. A hibernation.

Could possibly be where the fire dragon is laying up in nesting. or it could possibly be an access to another waterway. Trapper. What? Trapper. There's a big hole in the ground. Willie actually fell on it. It's a tunnel that goes underneath the ground, huh?

No, he didn't. He's lying. I don't know if it's a nest where he's been sleeping. Or what it is, but we just found it. Okay, be careful. We're clear back on the ridge line above that body of water. We're going to push him right towards the river. He's heading exactly the right direction.

10-4, we'll get up out of here and keep pushing. 104. We'll keep pushing him down this pipe hole here, right down this poop shoot. We'll send them right in right. right your direction. Like a sludgy turd right over there. He's heading in the right direction. You haven't even seen him.

How do you know he's heading in the right direction? It's all just like, these are kids. These are children making make-believe games. We used to do this when we were kids in the woods. Like pretend like stuff was out there. Yes, yes, yes. It's just a creepy neighbor taking pictures of us in his underwear. Oh, take out the thermals.

The heat map. Oh, it's it. In front of us. Jeff, in front of us. Jeff, in front of us. What is it? It's a dead branch. It doesn't fall off that tree. A tree. What is? It's right up there on that hall. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, hell yeah. I love me a good old fire dragon, you know what I'm saying?

It's a slim-smooth, slimy skin. Mm, yeah. You know what I like to do on a Friday night? Get myself some of those fire chitos. Stig him up my anus And I go Breathe some fire dragon Breathe some fire Love it gets me hot

Chrissy How big it is Damn I don't think he knows We're here yet I know It's Phil Mickelson's Half-ericked

Pean It kind of does look like It does look like Phil Mickelson's half erect penis I say I want to just I want to ease I want to shove him

Too hard I'm on that trail Jeff You got on this one I'm going to get some flowers and some chocolate. You get the K-Y. We'll add some incense and draw him a bath. Then when he's nice and relaxed, bam, we fuck it in the mouth.

Create some heat. You always that way. Okay. Jeff, you take my rifle. We's creeping down this trail, and Jeff caught what he thought to be the fire dragon on his thermal. We sort of split up. Crapper went to the left. Jeff stayed in the middle.

They're such a well-oiled. I know. Precision. Yeah. You go that way and we'll go this way. Here, you take my gun because I don't need a gun. We're going to split up. I'll be alone with the fire dragon.

I don't need a gun. And then you take the thermal. You know what, guys? What do we do this? To do whatever you want to do and we'll stay in contact via these here, Fisher-Price Waukee Talkies. On sale, Amazon, $1999. You ready, Jeff?

I am. See anything, Huck? No. No. Got down there a little closer to the... I'm taking the shit. Leave me alone. I'm over here digging a hole.

Dropping the kids off at the pool. Go get your own fire dragon. Brush, Paul, where Jeff seen him might. Jeff, stay tight. Stay tight. Oh, I've been tight all my life. That's an exit only sign, if you know what I mean, Huck. I'm able to pop up any time.

He's coming your way. I'm going to point my gun in that direction. I'm going to start blindly shooting because he's coming your way. Safety first. I love it. He's coming your way and then he starts pointing the gun in that direction. It's really amazing. No one's died making this show, quite frankly.

Oh, that's right on top of me. Oh, ow. He's right there. What are you? He's right behind that tree. Shoot him! Wow, I've never seen the mountain monsters actually fire a gun. No, uh-uh.

That's quite impressive because it looks fake. But, you know, at the same time, they're all just running randomly through the woods and shooting at each other and this, you know, probably the cameraman. Come on, Bill. Let's go. Once a far. I love how the cameraman is in front of them. Right.

He's recording in front of them while they're running. And shooting. Yeah. I bet it's... Must be easy to be in the woods with a fire dragon in the world's scariest, darkest place, and running backwards through the woods to get the good shot. Trapper, we heard him shoot. I do anything for the good shot, guys.

Do me a favor. When you start shooting the gun, just remember that I'm directly in front of you. Like towards the river. Damn. That's too close, guys. Hit him? I think so. Oh, he's fast.

When he came by me, he was a blur. Why are we standing here talking while the fire dragon is wounded directly in front of us? Don't worry, it's all good. Push the way he went right towards the river. All right. Buck. Yeah, Trevor. I just shot at the fire dragon. I think I might have hit the son of a bit.

I got off three quick rounds. He ducked down. Right over a trail leading to the water. We got to get down there and push him to that water. Push him to the water. This walkie-talkie sounds extra realistic. We got to get down to the water. I know I shot him.

We won't check for blood or anything because that would be the obvious way to track him. Yeah. These guys are trackers and they just, they miss the point. Why does he just follow the blood trail if you hit him? Far from the water, we've got him going right to perfect direction. Keep a afternoon. Keep him moving. Tell him what we're going. Why do you want to keep him moving?

I don't know. I mean, to get them in the trap, I guess. I'm not really sure. Like, if these guys really shot a fire-breathing 10-foot lizard that lives in Pocahontas County, Virginia, West Virginia, even a little bit of blood from that animal would be the biggest scientific discovery since amoeba. So why? I don't know. We know it's fake.

I'm trying to convince you that it's fake, and you already know that. Go on that. Excuse me. Oh, Mr. Farr, dragon, he might have a big old mind. A half full of sharp piece. Hey, my, something right here for that. Some old carbon steel right here, Bub. I get you some of this.

I got something for him right here. Fickle Phil Mickelson's half-wrecked penis. Get you some of this. Oh, number two. Oh, we're in one of these, you know, best of us here. From Oklahoma County. We're hunting the fire dragon. Oh, no, we're back.

Oh, no, we're back. All right. Who's that? That's a four-wheel. That's a four-wheel. The fire dragon! Got a badass four-wheeler. He's got a driver's license in Pocahontas, can he?

This is amazing. Quick, shoot at it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Additional strangers in the woods. Stop for us. We have guns. Make sure you stop to say hello. We just come across.

It's a party in the woods. Good doing yoga. Back there. Run! That couple just pulled up, yelled, and then drove off. I'm with Moon Taxi! I want to get beer! He's scared too dead.

I mean, they come up there, slam the brakes. I'm in there, come up there, slamming on the brakes, and hitting the gas and saying hello. And that's the first females we've seen since I went to the quick trip in the big city. I mean when the tear out here I thought there's going to run over something attacked them down there Let's go let's go let's go We can run as fast as the four wheeler

Go go go go go Oh, go Man what any word Look like something tore up Whoa Looked like something tore up What is that Well

I've been doing this for almost 62 years My grandfather used to tell me about this I knew I'd see it one day. This right here is a campfire. Set with a big liner. And we're going to get to the bottom of it. People scared to death.

Chairs are flipped. Look, and knock the fire all over the place. The fire ring clear up out. He must really want to get into them ambers. We just came down to this fire and it's completely destroyed. The cooler's flipped up. There's ambers everywhere. When the fire dragon gets warmed up like this, it really gets dangerous.

He gets energized. He starts hunting. He starts killing. There's scratch marks on the screen. It gets all crazy around campfires. He's energized. He's like a couple people I know. Campfire comes out and all of a sudden all hell breaks loose.

Holy cow. I found scratch marks on the tree right by the fire, and it was on this backside of the tree which showed us that it was going the direction right towards a river. Trapper. Buck. We just ran into two people out here. They had a camp out here.

They just tore out on a four-wheeler. The thing just come into their camp and tour it. up. They tore the fire up. There's claw marks on the tree. The claw marks on the back side of the tree. It's heading straight towards the river. No far behind him, Marcy.

We're right on his tail. He was just right here. We're right on his tail. We've been filming cutaways for about an hour and 30 minutes, but I imagine he's not too far away. Listen, I'm going to stop by craft services real quick, and then I'll catch up with you guys a little bit later. Group up. We've got to get together and put the heat on him. 10-4.

We'll meet you at the river. 10-4, meet you at the river. Exactly where we need to be. You guys hear that? Yeah, right over there, wasn't it? Scary noise, that's. Come moving, right, come moving, right here. Let's go, let's go.

He's in the water. Right there's where he went in. Look where he went in, right there. I got him in the water. It's going downstream. The mud's still in the tracks. He's going downstream. How do you know?

He's on one of those You guys in the water? Let's go, let's go, let's go. He's on one of those unicorn rafts, everyone's doing this summer. A swan? Yes. He's drinking one of those Kulata coolers.

He's got a pack of Marlboro lights. He's shooting the hooch. He's got dysentery. I saw some kids with their parents out there, and they weren't, the English wasn't their first. language, I don't know Russian or something, but there was like a whole family of them. And they were like on one of these side streams off the hooch and I was running. And the kids were like swimming in the water.

And I was like, well, OV. Travel Insurance. Yeah. This is how Seeklospora started right there. Look at there. He slid right in right there. Yeah. Where are you?

Travel right over here, guys. What's that? Right over here with all the TV lights. Right there and right one in. Jesus, Pete. It slid in the head of down street. Right towards the damn trap. We need to get in the boat, getting the side-by-sides, and push it.

Get in the boat and get in the side-by-sides and push them. Push them. Come on, guys. Trapper just spotted the fire dragon getting in the river. We've got to get in the boat and pushing towards a trap now. Absolutely. Come on, Buck. Come on, Buck.

Come on. Come on. I'm 480 pounds. I don't come on. I'd dwindle. Let's go. I don't know if Buck should be in that boat, that small boat. Yeah, I know.

I'd be nervous. if I was Hawk. I mean, just like the minutia of a big boy like that in a boat like that. Let's go! Fire Dragon's in the water. We've got a team behind him in a boat. We're paralleling him with the side to side. Get on him, Traver.

Yeah. But if we get them all warmed up, we'll get a really nice hot cup of tea. He'll be boiling in the water around him. It's going to be advantageous for everybody. Let's go. Aha! I'm watching River! Ha!

A certain death. Woo-hoo! We've run and jumped in a little. boat tucked down the river it's foggy we can't see nothing we're tuck them down the river i go up there they go left and they're doing right he's got like marbles in his mouth not marbles there's little packets of crystal meth i'm hiding behind my gums i'm going to get that fire dragon who's toward the track see anything bell no they don't say nothing can't think i'm going to what's that bank in the water i can't see a goddamn thing but just keep driving fast

I think this is how the Murgdal Martyrs started. Yeah, why are they going so fast? Settle down. If you can't see anything, let's not drive too fast. Why don't we just let the current take us? How's that? I mean, how fast can the Fire Dragon really be going? I don't know.

I've never met one personally, but I can't imagine that fast. See you in front of them. A water is just about 30 foot knee, 20, 30 feet. You couldn't see nothing to know, no way. Trapper's got that bank taken care of. We got him moving. We got him moving. We got him moving. No one sees him, but I think he's moving. No one exactly knows what, where, or how he is even alive. But, you know, he's moving. He's moving. He's moving. He's moving towards the trap. He's heading towards the trap. That's what we want to do when it keep pushing towards that trap.

Keep pushing him towards that trap. Once we get him, there's going to be riches in fame and will be national. heroes keep going. Let me move to. There we go. Just go faster. We can't see shit, but just go faster. Don't know where he is or what's going on. But if we go faster, then it'll lessen

the confusion. Doors down. Doors down, guys. Doors down. Doors down. What is that apocalypse now? I mean, it looks like the scene where they meet Kurt. It gets in the village occurs.

I was just waiting for all the village people with the heads or something. Oh, my God. All right, okay. Let's take a break. You know what I watched for the first time ever? Because I never wanted to ruin the mythology in my mind of Apocalypse now. I never watched Hearts of Darkness. Oh, yeah.

And I watched it over when I was in New York one night when I was going to bed. It's a fascinating documentary. Yeah, I haven't seen it in a while. I mean, I knew all of the stories. Like, they didn't tell me anything. that I didn't already know, but just to hear some of the cast members talk about their own experiences and how really like this movie became the story of making the movie, which was kind of crazy. And, you know, Charlie Shee, Martin Sheen had a heart attack. Yeah, he did. Just wild. Just

wild. Okay, let's do this. Let's take a short break and then we'll come back with more a fire breathing dragon bullshit. And from Pocahontas. From Pocahontas County, West Virginia. We'll be back. Okay, you're probably wondering why I, Rachel, have taken over the voice duties at TCB. It's pretty simple. Astrid asked me to shut Brian up, even for a minute. Well, lovely Astrid, your wish is my command. Do you want to help Astrid too?

You know you do. Leave a message for her, or me or Chrissy, at 212-4333-TCB. That's 212-433-3822. You can be on the show too. Mm-hmm. Just call and save. something, anything, or text us and we'll text you're right back. Promise. Then head over to TCBpodcast.com and get your free sticker. It's your constitutional right to a sticker,

and we must abide. You get the point. Follow us on Instagram at the commercial break, and watch all the episodes on video at YouTube.com slash the commercial break. Best to you, and Astrid, especially Astrid. All right, all right, all right. Get back to do it, my own monster let's go Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh go Go go What the hell out of What happened He tore the hell out of B Was that the trap? That's the trap

First of all I mean if you're going to capture 10 foot Fire Breathing dragon Yeah you might want Yeah Get some

alloy metal I mean even some Yeah That looks like Bamboo It does look like Which I think my child could escape with a little thought.

Do you know what I'm saying? There's clearly glaring weak spots in your trap. That's a problem. Who's the trapper here? Because I think we need to replace him. I think they do replace him. I don't see nothing in here. Yay!

Look at that. Carnage. We get back up. Look at that. There's no top on it. It's like a teepee. Yeah, I know. Hard to believe he got through this impenetrable

force. And here I thought we built the world's best fire-breathing fire dragon trap. The trap, I mean hit was tore up, Jockey, look like a moored around hit. I mean...

A moor around the hip, but don't. Weas. Ah. Bancorn. He wiped her out, didn't he? He ran right up in that corner and swung that big tail against that wall, flat. He ran right up against that corner.

He took his left paw. You put your right paw in. You put your right paw out. You take your fire breathing tongue. You take your fire breathing tongue out. And then you whip your tail around. That's exactly what happened. So it shot down the river.

Shot down. And then got out quickly to the trap. Bleeding from all the gunshots. Yes. Winded from swimming real fast because we were chasing it ever increasingly quicker. He went zip up the bank of the river, exactly like we intended. him to do. He went into the trap that had no door and no top made of sticks and stones. Swung its tail. Yes. Swung its tail. Breathe the holy shitload of fire. And now here we are without any evidence to prove our claims.

Unfortunate yet again. Whoa. Wah. Right out through there. We got back to the trap. It was carnied. My damn torch was tore all the hell. The trap was tore all to hell. The damn thing was on far. The son of a bitch. Far.

Far. There's teeth marks in this barrel. Holy shit. He must have got into. Oh, holy shit. No need to collect that for evidence. Let's leave that there. It's off that fire and just went nothing.

That's exactly what happened, Buck. Yeah. That's exactly what happened, because I said it was. I think we heated the son of a bitch up to. He got too energized and got in there and he just destroyed it. We'd actually trap the fire dragon, but he got so energized to heat. That's a trap. That trap.

You got to watch this. YouTube.com. So that commercial break. I mean, that trap is a piece of work. It's not a trap. It's one wall of bamboo, but one wall is not a trap. It's a wall. But even that is probably not going to stop anything from doing anything.

But they're saying they got him so energized. He got so crazed. He'd tell him he just knocked down the whole side of that trap. I've been known to do this to Fire Dragons before. They get smell a whiff of my musk. Of my, I don't know if you know, Chris, but my chef boyardy Raveoli musk. And when that happens, they just go wild. Boom, energized.

Energized. Usually to run as fast and far as they can. It's really thick wood. It was buried in the mud. There's no way that thing should have went over the way. It was more powerful than we ever saw. There's like 10, 10 guys. Yeah, there's 30 now men standing around.

And here comes the funny. Let's bring the funny. Doubt. Out of a doubt. Right now. He went through that thing like it wasn't a... Well, it wasn't anything. It wasn't anything.

That's right. He went through it like it was it. He went through it exactly the way you would expect. Seen the last of the old Williams team. He thinks the heat was on him now with the old second time. I'm around, brother. Wait, you just wait. You think the fire-breathing dragon holds in a grudge now.

You just wait. It'll be thinking about us all night long. He's a fire-breathing dragon. Number one. We're in Preston County, West Virginia, and we're going after the Snatigas. The Snatigascar. Is that a Terradactal? I didn't know those things are still.

around? Oh, good. I want to see one of those. Astor is a huge wing creature. There seems to be a battle going on between the snagaster and the coyotes. The snalogaster and the coyotes? Like Kong. Mortal enemies. That's right. Ow! The snalegaster.

That sounds made up. It's like when my mom called me and said, I have to have a lambda lamda-nectomy. I'm like, what's a lambda-lamptomy? I don't know. That's what they said. And I'm like, that's not a thing, Mom. And then I looked it up, it's laminectomy. Yep, it is a thing. Mark said he found something that night that showed him the schnaligaster wasn't attacking the kayak. The schnaugaster.

He's for food. Now it's Jewish. It's a schnaugaster. I've got to find out what it is. This is why I knew he was mad. Oh, it's the same guy from Pocahontas County. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay. He's now living in Preston County. Wow. How many of these things are we up against? Whoa. It's an onion. It's an egg. It's an onion.

It's shredded lettuce from Taco Bell. And Phil Mickelson's half-erect peanut. Gaster egg, look at that. That's definite proof. There's more than one, guys. That's definite proof. That tells us that there's more than one schnalygastereg. That is an ostrich.

By the way. We don't know how many, but we know there's more than one. We're in a world of shit, guys. I'll tell you what was going on up there. The sallagaster has hatched. The shnallagaster has hatched like Jurassic Park. And there's only five guys on the face of the earth that can take down a schnallegaster who is in the middle of a lifelong war with coyotes and fire dragons and ether monsters. and that is us.

Yep. However, the crack team. We will not, the crack team of non-evidence-collecting unscientific cowboys who can't build a trap or shoot a gun. But in the bright side, I actually can't think of anything. We do like Cracker Barrel. We have been there a couple times. The coyotes, the coyotes steals the damn Scallagastor's eggs. That's a battle of royal going on on that mountain.

Damn, look at Bucky's like, damn. The Battle Royale. I don't know what you're saying, but damn, sounds pretty serious to me. That's a Battle Royale going down on the mountain between the flying 50-foot creature, the Schnellegaster, and the tiny little coyotes. Gaster was going after the coyotes because they stole its egg. That's what the ruckus was all about. Oh, yeah? Tit for tat on that one.

It's the Hatfields and McCoys. We now know for a fact there's a pair. There's a male. It's a fact. Yeah, well, we haven't tested the egg, nor have we tested Bill here for drugs. But, however, I do have to say, as close as I can be to a fact without proving anything, that's how close we are. And we don't know how many might be lurking in those mountains. Oh, he's going to be violent with a family unit.

Especially now. Especially now. Now that Bill's done fuck the egg. Now that Bill cracked it and had it for breakfast, we're all fucked. Bill, you have anything to say for yourself? I don't have a goddamn thing to say. You stay up here on these mountains by yourself all fucking weekend long without anything to fuck her. God damn it. I found a

Stalingaster and I fucked it. What do you want that I ate it? What do you want me to do? You want me to apologize? Well, I will not apologize. Who built the trap that let the Fire Dragons get away? Wouldn't me? I did my part. I took a pretend photograph. I showed it to you.

Okay? So excuse me for fucking the only Schnellagaster egg ever found. That's right. You what? You fucked a shnallelagster egg. Sannagaster? Oh, my God.

I did a reverse cowboy on the schnallegaster. We're in love, okay? So sue me. The hard ones, what the hard ones? No damn coyotes been bothering Schnally for a long time. And I started feeling sorry for it. Then it got a little cute with all 300 of its teeth. And I said, hey, I don't like the looks of your front end, but you're back.

It's looking pretty good. Can I go down the schnally alley? That's what I was saying. Do you mind if I get in on the schnally alley? And it said, Rhaar. So, okay. And then shout out the thing.

I was hungry. Okay. Okay. Yeah. That's what happened. Now, can we go hunt or what? While we're focusing on me? Yes.

One snelly gasper. One may be the most dangerous creature we've ever faced. But now that we know there's more than one snagaster, it strikes fear in our hearts. I can see it in the men's eyes. Not Bill? No, no sorry, Bob. He's got an in. Now he thinks he's the king's shit.

Okay, fall in love with a snagaster, and all of a sudden, you're not afraid anymore. I get it. Well, thank you, Mark, for your information. Mark, I'm sorry to call you. bill the whole time. Your name's Mark. There is a bill. Yeah. Oh, there is a bill. He's the one that yells.

This shnally alley. Oh, my God. I can't stop laughing. It's too funny. These guys are too good. They are so good. I may have a hard time getting them on that mountain. Boom. Oh, my God. Final night hunt. Guys, this is a bad one. I mean, the goddamn bad one. This snelligaster, that took us out the other night.

He'll tack you on the ground. He'll get you from the air. I'll tell you what we're going to do. I'm going to take Huckleberry and Jeff. We're going to work this high ridge line, Buck. We're going to work the high ridge line, Buck. You worked the low ridge line for obvious reasons. I mean, not to offend, but we did try to set you up with that personal trainer.

Not much gum of it has it Take Wild Bill and Willie You're going to work the low timber Both teams is going to work to the south Right towards that son of a bitch's feeding area Where Willie has a trap set Great How do we know which way is south?

Are they going to catch a snallygaster in there Or about 400 rabbits? Certain death Let's take a laugh Keep your wits about you Keep your senses about you That's all we can do. Keep your eye ball peeled in there, boys.

We're all war. Keep your hairy balls out, boys. You get up on that snallygaster. You head straight from the snally alley. That's the sweet spot. That's the way to do it. Here, you want to see a picture of Phil Mickelson's half-hard? It's fucking a snagaster.

Out dead tard. When you get dead tard, your senses get numb. Tard. When you get tard. So we're going to have to keep on our toes. I'm going to have to keep on these boys, get them fired up. We've got to stay awake, stay alert, and be ready. We better get their asses out of here.

Lock and load, boy. We better. Lock and load. Let's try and load. Let's try and you for tonight's hunt. Lock him up, lick them. Lock them up, that's what I say. Lock them, lick them.

This trapper's going to take his team up in the high timber. I'm going to take my team in the low timber, and we're both going to push to the south, right towards the trap, right in the snagaster's feeding area. Well, it's going to be tough to be able to pick a... Why? I mean. I know.

What? Oh, people are telling us that YouTube has shut down our stream because of a violation of policy. They may have identified on the live stream that we are running a mountain monsters. They probably have. And so they probably block the stream. So I'm sorry about that. Restream.io. You can also watch us on Twitch.

It's TCB slash TCB, I think is what it is. Sorry about that. Step in this rain, everything's quiet. What's bad is you don't know whether to look on the ground or look in the sky. That son of a bitch can be hiding up in one of these big old pine trees you never see it. Man, it's thick in here, isn't it? Have you seen tops of the trees broke out? Not yet, Jeff.

I've been keeping an eye. I've been keeping an eye. You just don't know where he's going to be. Not yet. I haven't waited 206 episodes, not yet. That's the problem. Kind of gives you that airy feeling. Here's the problem.

You guys are always out at night. Why don't you do one of these during the day? Something staring down on us? Yeah. I mean, honestly, all these creatures have to be somewhere during the day also, right? Yeah. So why not hunt them during the day? Maybe they're tired.

Maybe they're taking nippy naps. They can't use the thermals at night during the day. Yeah, sure they can. Absolutely you can use thermals. It's just thermals, right? It's thermal energy. Sure, yeah. But I guess if the sun's out and it's very hot, maybe you can.

What was that? That was on the ground, guys. I heard, I know. Sally. He who smelt it, dealt it. Down from your left. What's he's down that way? Nice and slow, brother.

Nice and slow, brother. Oh, man. There's no other way I can do it. Yeah, he can't. I am a pretty big boy. Guess out, guys. What do you say it? Ground is all tore up.

Something big's been coming through here. Boys, I'll tell you one thing. We better pick up our old wide ball, peel. You ain't a kidding. We know. That's the third time you said that. We don't. On the ground.

That's the best part of a bad situation. Something's got. The ground? What do you say? I don't know. Stay on the ground? That's the best part of a bad situation. The top broke out of all these.

Whoa. What was that right there? Whoa. Hey. Oh. Hey. I see eyes. I see eyes.

You're right there. It's me. Mark. Mark. Sorry. I heard you were in with Schnelly and I couldn't help it. I came back for just one more trip down Schnally Alley. I told her you were coming.

Oh, 30s, how you shot it? Oh, hell, something just took off out of there, guys. Where'd they go? How many eyes did you see, Bill? I've seen Leach four or five. Let's shoot at them. Not having to identify them first. Oh, boy.

We was working this big trial that we had found, and we heard a horse. A horrible commotion up on the hill, and then when we looked up... A horrible commotion. It was the battle royale. Yeah, it was a battle royale. We seen not one set of eyes, but at least two set of eyes. We seen brush shaking, and then they just took off like it was nothing. Nothing.

These things are just as agile on the ground as they are in the air. Trapper. Brush above us, and there was at least two sets of eyes. We just cleared the area. Do you think these guys, like, they sketch out how they're going to do this? Yeah. They must, right? Yeah.

out how they're going to do this. But then they have to work themselves up into a tizzy to pretend, much like actors do, right? You've got to kind of get yourself in character and all this. Well, once you're out in the woods, too, you know, there's the environment. Yeah, they're just like the environment. You spook yourself out. But there's so many cameramen and all this other stuff. What I'm wondering is, when these guys turn the cameras off and they go back to the trailers

or wherever, whatever filming location they have, do you think they, like, ever talk about creatures in a real way? do you think they're like, ah, you know? I think we went too far on that one. I think the schnallygaster was a little too far. That was too far. That was a bridge too far for the shnally gaster. All right, there's plenty of this left.

I'll tell you what we're going to do. We'll get back to this. Let's get back to this on Wednesday of next week. That way we've got, we can see the end of it. We'll promise. I promise, we'll get back to schnally gaster. Because I'm just... Schnally alley alley.

Taking it down the schnally alley. Going down the alley with schnaily. I love it. Oh, the mountain monsters. Oh, I missed them. Yeah, me too. I miss them. Love you guys.

I don't know. Let me see if I can get a for sure update on this. Let's see. Mountain. Mountain Monsters. New season. then let's see here. And there's no reason to stop.

You can just keep making up preachers for as long as you want. Mountain Monsters will not be returning for a ninth season. After the A season, which aired in 2022. Oh, okay. It's all free to watch on YouTube.

Our Mountain Monsters coming back. No, there's no official word yet. While there was an April 26th, April, 2006 update from cast member Jeff that a new version of the show was in the works for fall release several members including Buck and Wild Bill

are actively creating their own crypted content through the Sons of Appalachia series on YouTube. Oh, okay, I'll look at them. Okay, so they've got their own thing. I'll take a look at that. All right, if you guys want... Sons of Appalachia. Sons of Appalachia. And, you know, I know they'll get notified usually when we when we do these. Somebody will get notified. that, you know, we're doing this.

So, guys, if you got a new show and you want to come on and talk to us about it, we'd love to have you. Oh, yeah. We'll pretend with you for a little while. I want to know about the Schnellagaster. That's what I'm now most interested in, the Schnellegaster. So, all right, reruns you can watch on YouTube at YouTube.com slash the commercial break. You can watch our reruns too. Our also Rans.

You can do that. Additionally, you can go to the commercial break on Instagram at The Commercial. break. I'd also like to tell you that there's a new podcast you should go listen to with Megan Phelps Roper called Bookkeeper, former Westboro Baptist Church leader and member. Also, take a listen to the gist. We'll take a listen to the gist because I'm the guest host. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say. We do say, and we must say.

Goodbye.