Caller: “My Fiancée Wants a Hysterectomy”
00:05Brought to you by my friends at Churchill Mortgage.If you're looking to buy or refinance, check them out.I've used Churchill, and they are great.Go to Churchillmortgage.com.My fiance is looking to have a hysterectomy sometime next year.But the thing is that I am wanting an opportunity to still try for another child.But the thing is that I kind of want to make peace with her wishes.So you all are engaged?
00:33When do y'all get married?What's going on?What's going on?This is John with the Dr. John Deloney's show.Taking your calls.Real people going through real life stuff.And their marriages, their dating relationships with their kids, with their kids' schools, with their workplace, whatever you got going on in your life.Pull up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move.
01:03If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you click the link in the show notes.and we'll get you on.Let's go to Minneapolis, Minnesota, and talk to TOM.What's up, Tom?Yeah, man.So my story is that my fiance is looking to have a hysterectomy sometime next year.But the thing is that I am wanting an opportunity to still try for another child.But the thing is that I kind of want to make peace with her wishes.
01:37You know, she's already gone so much for us already.She actually originally didn't want to have kids, but we do have two of our own.But again, at the same time, how do I make peace with that?So let me make sure you and I have the same picture in our head.You all are together.How long have you all been together?Three years.Three years.
02:01Okay.How many kids do y'all have in three years?Two.Okay.Were they both planned, or were they both, like,whoopsie-dos, how did they come along?The latter.The latter, okay.
02:13And so you all are engaged, when are y'all get married?Whenever I'm done with school, that is, and I am looking to graduate sometime next year.Gotcha.Okay, we'll put a pin in that one, because I'm going to peer pressure you, but we'll do that later, okay?Because that's not what you call it.Right.So the first two, tell me about the first two pregnancies, were they tough, smooth?scary, nervous, all of it?
02:40You know, they were tough.You know, just me being nervous.I'm pretty sure I'm going to leave out some details.And she's probably going to watch her playback and say,you didn't say this.No, you're doing, man.But essentially, they were both tough.They both have health issues.
02:55And also, she also went through some pretty hard post-portum.And so, you know, I totally respect that.My thing is that I wanted to try for a kid, more so to see if we could get a boy,but at the same time, I'm like, this is her body.I want to respect that, and I want to honor that and shares her decision on having a hysterectomy.Sure.And this doesn't super matter, but for me it kind of does.It will give me some additional context.
03:30Is she having an elective hysterectomy, or does she have fibrosis or endometriosis?Does she have challenges that doctors have said,hey, this is coming sooner or other than later?Yeah, good question.She thought that she had PCOS.Uh-huh.So she did actually go under, but the doctor's phone, nothing.Okay.
03:48And so she has very debilitating periods,and she's just like, I've just kind of had it.I just wanted his direct me.Okay.Okay.Has she had that conversation with her OBGYN?Yes.Okay.
04:04Okay.The crux of the question for me is you had this picture of your life where you had a baby boy.You had a son.Right.Yeah.And you're the person that you've had two kids with your fiancé, she has said, hey, I'm going to be done having children.Yes.And so you're wrestling with, I want to honor her.
04:24It's her body.It's her choice, all that stuff.But also, I have a dream of us making a life together.And a part of the picture I had in my head of what that life would look like includeda third kid.Yeah, exactly.And, you know, even if the kid doesn't turn out to be a boyand, you know, we pop out another girl,
04:45I'd be happy either way.Of course, of course.So how can I help you?Are you wrestling with how do you make peace?Are you wrestling with, do you think there's some secret conversationyou could have to change your mind?Like, what are you wrestling with?Yeah, man.
04:59Or is it just grief?Is it just grief?I had this picture of my life and that picture's going to be different.and I'm going to be the best guy moving forward.Yeah, great points.You know, honestly, I think it could be all three.Okay.I had imagination that, you know, for the longest time, maybe, like, in high school year,
05:16college years, I said myself, I'd be happy if I have at least one boy, one girl.I have two amazing little girls.But also at the same time, it's kind of false-so, well, that, it's kind of not.making that imagination come true, right?Yeah.Also at the same time, yeah.I guess I'm really just lost at, you know, making peace with that it's never, it probably won't come true.Yeah.
05:50Well, and how old are you?I'm 33.She is 28.28, okay.I also get a sense, again, always, always, every caller I tell this to, but I'm talking to you, so tell me if I'm out of line here, if I'm wrong, okay?But I get this sense that for you, real life, grown-up life starts after I graduate.And there's something unnerving about already putting a period at the end of a sentence before your quote-unquote real life really gets cooking.Yeah, I think you hit the nail on the spot there.
06:33And so what I would challenge you on is your real life is right now.It's been going.Right.Getting a degree or getting a new degree or a graduate degree, that's a cool, like, marker on this marathon you're running called life.But your life's already started.And so if you back out and say three years ago, I met this amazing,woman, she got pregnant and we had this amazing girl and then we had another amazing girl.Like, we've been doing this amazing life. We've contracted a ton of life change in 36 months, right?
07:13Like, a lot. But we've been doing life this whole time. And so if you back up three years backto that time horizon and say, if somebody had asked you after you graduate, hey, you're going to marrythis girl, you like her, you're going to be with her forever,and y'all are going to build this amazing life together,and you're all going to have two healthy kids.You'd love it if it was a boy.You get what I'm saying?Like, if you change your time horizon,
07:36your picture shifts, too.Yeah.But there's something about metabolizing,like, those two little girls don't careif you have a degree or not.You're dad, man.Right.Yeah, I work remotely,
07:51so I'm able to be there whenever,however, I spend a lot of time with them.I give them like 100% every day.That's awesome.I love those two amazing little girls.That's amazing.And I love to hear Dad say that, brother.That's so cool.
08:07My challenge for you would be is this.Like when it comes to finances and when it comes to degrees in college and stuff,my rule of thumb, and I come at it differently than most,but it's legal, it's economic.And I'm a person of,faith and so I do have a faith component to it butanytime somebody's asking me about how do I plan my lifelike down the road I always tell them you take care of your life
08:39and your friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, fiance,they take care of their life.And when you all get married,when you create this big legal hurdle,you create a thing and then now you have an anchor point.As my buddy Michael Easter says,now it's written in ink.Then the conversation shifts to
09:00what kind of life do we want to build together.And when we are building our future together,that always comes with,oh, I thought the holidays were gonna look like this.Now I want them to look like this.Oh, that picture I had in my headthat I didn't even know I had.It suddenly, it's, it's, I got to take the puzzle
09:19that was my life and I got to take all those pieces,jumble them up, put them back in the box,and together you and I are dumping out a brand new puzzleit's going to be our life and we're going to do this thing together.It's not that I have this puzzle and there's just three missing pieces.She's one of them.Kid is one of them.Son is one of them.
09:35It is now that we are doing our life together, that puzzle that was my life is over.It's in a box.It's gone.Like I'm putting it back on the shelf where all puzzles go to die and I've got a new puzzle that we are doing together.You get what I'm saying?Yeah.And so part of it is like honestly, if you always had this picture of yourself having a son,and this is the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.
10:00And like take away hysterectomy,take away any number of health challengesthat any romantic partner, any spouse has, right?The changes, like, we were going to go do thisand now we've got this.We were going to go do that and now we've got this.I just talked to an elderly couple recently,not elderly, in aging.
10:18And man, they were about to retireand they had this whole wild fourth quarter planned.And then he got diagnosed with all.That's over. It's different, right? And so the picture she had, the wife I was talking to,I mean, it's over gone, right? And now it is, I'm going to be really sad because the picture we madewas pretty awesome. And I've got a son, let me tell you, they're awesome. And I also have a daughter,she's awesome, right? So I've got this picture. And if I'm going to choose this woman to be my personand she's in a ton of pain, I'm going to be right or die holding her hand as she makes hard,
10:53hard decisions.And I'll be her biggest cheerleader and being her cheerleader doesn't also mean I don'thave permission to be sad to.Right.Both are true.If you want to do some, I always call them gangster, people roll their eyes at me.If you want to do something like hard things, you can write a letter to the son that you won'thave and just say, I had this dream of you, buddy, and that dream is not going to come true.
11:21But I tell you what, I'm be the best damn girl dad that's ever.existed and those girls better watch out because the love I had for you is about to get allyou get what I'm saying like you can have you can do those type of of I don't call them exercisesbut you can do those type of of that type of grieving where you call it out give somebody a nameand say like I had this dream and it's not going to it's not going to come true and that's okayit's a choice I'm making I'm choosing to engage in a relationship with this person whohas medical condition and it's going to make her unable to have any more kidsYeah, yeah, I think you made some very good points there.
12:02I'm trying not to cry just because...You're good, man.I'm sitting here with you, you're good.You know, I just had this...I just had this dream for the longest time,and so, you know, to say that this will never happen,it's just so hard.But, you know, my fiancé has gone through
12:46a lot of medical.She's come such a long way.She was diagnosed with anxiety and also depression.She went through TMS, came out of that.So right now she is no longer on medication.And so we're taking day by day, seeing how that goes.But she's matured.She's come such a long way.
13:16and she's given up so much in her own life too.And so that's why I wanted to call in and say,I appreciate it.I bet you've grown too, huh?Maybe.That's questionable.Tah!I know.
13:35I've got friends who are like,that dude's never grown up either.But you have, man.You're different now.You go to school after working a full-time jobfor different reasons now.Right.It was probably to make a bunch of money
13:48and to get a new career.Now you got these two little girls saying,that's my dad.Yeah.Yeah.I just want to put us in a much morefinancial better situation.There you go.
14:01And I'm going to lay out,I always want to be as honest as I can,so I'm going to lay out the other harsh truth here, okay?Yeah.You're not legally married.You can leave.Yeah, we thought about that for.She's brought that up to me, but I'm like, no, I'm sticking with you.
14:20Okay, so here's why that's really important.A lot of times grief, things that we don't want to have happened, happen to us.Right.And sometimes we get put in a situation.It's two situations that I wouldn't wish on anybody.Right?Two hard paths.And we have to choose our heart.
14:44We have to choose the path that's going to get us to the path that's going to get us tothe place that we would love to be, even though it's going to be a really hard path.And when you say, yeah, I thought about it, actually.When she said I'm out, having a third kid was such a big deal to me for my whole lifethat I had to stop in question, is she going to be the right person for me?Right.But here's important.But I chose her.
15:10And when you can say those words out loud, I chose her.then yes, she's got medical issuesthat you're going to be a loving partnerand support her through and walk throughand she's going to make some hard decisionsabout surgeries and her futureand all that stuff, hormones,all that stuff down the road, all that.
15:30You are going to, though, sit in the driver's seat of your lifesaying I chose her,which means I didn't choose this other path.And that doesn't mean that other pathisn't going to break your heart. That doesn't mean the other path isn't sad. But there's a level ofownership that you get to hold. And the body does not respond well to things happening to it.It responds much better when it is self-selecting into the hardest of situations. But there'ssomething powerful about saying, no, no, no, I'm making this choice. Given this set of circumstances,
16:11says, I'm making this choice to put a period at the end of this big dream.And brother, you have the freedom, all the freedom in the world to weep, to be sad.Where I would challenge you is, I would say you don't have the freedom to blame her, to get to, right, to go to war with her.Exactly.Because you are saying, I choose you.I choose all of you, sickness and health.And now here's my pitch.brother this weekend take that woman and marry her she's your person you've chosen her and she chose you
16:50and y'all have made a family together you'll have a future down the road the future is going to besome of what you wanted some of what she wanted and together y'all are going to build your marriagewhatever marriage whatever marriage y'all want and there's going to be some grief and there's going to besome excitement and joy it's part of doing this crazy thing called life and man it'spretty amazing to do it with somebody.Thanks for a call, man. You're a good man.And I appreciate you thinking that through with me and let me think out loud.Yeah, when it comes to medical stuff, she gets to make the choice.
17:28And she's got my full support, 100%.And since you love her and you've chosen her, my hope is you hold her hand, you sit withher, you are the best right or die support network she could ever dream of having.and you get to be really, really sad too.All of that is true at the same time.Thanks for the call, my man.We come back.A man asks if he should tell his sister-in-law
17:56that his brother's been cheating on her at work.Yikes.We'll be right back.This episode is brought to you by BetterHelp.Every year you tell yourselfyou're going to handle the holidays differently this year.Maybe stay calmer, feel more peace,but then it's the same old pattern.
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19:21H-E-L-P.com slash Deloni or click the link in the description.We all have a million decisions to make every day.Between what to have for dinner, who's going to drop off the kids,where to get an oil change.Listen, the last thing I want to think about with all that chaos going on is what to wear.And with poncho, I never have to agonize over what shirt I'm going to put on.They're lightweight, they're breathable, they're stretchy, they're fast drying, and they're super tough, and they look awesome.I know when I grab it off the hanger, I'm going to look good and feel good no matter what I get into that day.
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20:32Hey, click the link, subscribe, share all that stuff.It really helps out everybody in the club.All right, it's got to St. Louis, Missouri,and talk to Lee. Hey, Lee, what's up?Hey, how are you doing, Mr. John? Oh, sorry, Dr. John.Oh, you can call me Mr. John. That's nicer than what most of my friends call me, so I appreciate you.What's up? Lee, how are you doing?I'm doing all right, my man. Can't complain. Can't complain.
20:53You could complain. You'd be a lot like Kelly, but that's all good. So what's up?Well, long story short, should I tell my sister-in-law that my brother has stepped out on their marriage?Oh, gosh.dudeall righttell me the story manall rightbring you back about a year or so ago
21:16this is my older brother mind youhe came to me he told me thathe stepped out he was cryingvery very upsetdistraught let me know that he steppedout and he cheated on his wife and I told himthat he had bad you should tell herbut kind of a little bit maybe a week or so
21:31after thatme and my dadbecause my dad works at the same job as my brotherthey found out that he was doing it again with somebody else, I assume.I don't know all the details, but he was caught messing around with someone else at work as well.After he came and cried to you?Yeah, man.That's what I'm trying.
21:52Okay.Yeah, and they came back to him.They told him that if he doesn't clean an act up, they're going to tell his wife,because they even threaten to tell his wife and fire him if he keeps messing around.And I assume he's still working there now, so he hasn't been caught another time.But now he's missing with somebody else or getting a little too friendly with another co-worker had a job.And his wife is very upset.And she even called my sister to tell her that she thinks my brother is doing something.
22:24And number one, I already know that he's done something in the past.I don't know about now.But it's just kind of weighing on my heart that whether I should tell her or not because she's also my sister.I saw how I look at her.Yeah.I'm going to give you my gut impulse, okay?Gotcha.And that does not mean it's right.
22:46My gut impulse is this.I think in pictures, just how my head works.A year ago, your brother walked up to you holding a cinder block and he said, you carry this.He cried because he was so tired of carrying it.He gave it to you to carry.and then he went and picked up another oneand gave that one to your parents who happened to be his bossand now he's picked up another one
23:17and your sister's carrying itand by the way his wife is carrying all three of thembecause she knows something's not rightand in that situationI won'tI'm not going to carry that for youyeah I'll be with you when you set it downbecause here's what he's doing
23:41he has saidI was a personwho lacked a moral characterand I want youto also lack moral characteryeahand my pushback on you Leah isfor a year you've been like
23:58all right I'll do that tooI won't tell herour mutual your wifea woman who I consider my sisterI won't tell her the truthand now you're complicit in itbecause what's your first questiongoing to be how long have you known
24:12Yeah, exactlyAnd her next question would beHow could you not tell meAnd you're not going to have a good answer, right?Other than that's my brother, right or die, all thatAnd man, I get that, dude, I get thatIf your brother had come to you a year agoAnd said, man, I totally screwed up
24:32And was sobbing and whateverAnd you were like, man, I'm here for you, brotherAnd he has spent the last yearMaking this right with his wifewell you know what in that situation where somebody's being whole and honest and completethey would have come clean with their wifeyes sir right so they wouldn't they would not have done a second thing and dragged you alongwith it and then done a third thing and dragged parents along with it yes sir right
25:02because now every family meal all you'll know and she's just there getting thesalad getting the iced tea or whatever and you all know the potato saladA potato salad? That's right. I mean, you all know? And she's just there. You know what I mean?Yes, sir. And Lee, you know this. She, yeah, now I'm getting more bold in my answer. She knows y'all are looking at her.Yeah.She doesn't know why. And here's where it's extra cruel besides the fact that her husband's cheating on her. And by the way, like, just making her unsafe.Bringing all those other people home to his bed, right? She doesn't know.Yes, sir.
25:46Um, also she's leaving family dinner.She's leaving time with her husband.And she's looking in the mirror, asking herself, what's wrong with me?What am I doing?Why are the dinner so awkward when I show up?Why does everyone get quiet and look at the floor?You know what I'm saying?Yes, sir.
26:07Exactly.Yeah.And if I might add another thing as well, um, fast for me about a week or so ago,I kind of, me, after my sister told me that, um, she,well, my sister-in-law told her what was going on and how she felt.I approached my brother, and I went up and talked to him.Basically, I was telling them, hey, man, you're wrong.You messed up.
26:29You got to go and tell your wife about it because no woman, let alone my sister,should be going through this.Because, number one, they ain't how our father raised us.My father, he's been married for 30-plus years.So we've experienced a minority of it.And most folks, they kind of grew up in the household,no parents, who grew up with both parents,a whole entire lives.
26:50So it's even more tough to see him doing that while we didn't grow up in that samehousehold.But he told me whenever I told him two things.Number one, after I kind of approached him, he was telling me that if I tell her that, what,basically back up a little bit, but he was telling me I shouldn't tell her.And if I do, ask on you.But he was saying it's making it sound like you're going to tell her yourself.So go ahead and tell her if you want to.
27:16And I told him, like, that's not.unfair, bro. You can't, you can't do that. That's not right. So he wants you to do the dirty work?Kind of sort of. Huh.So what it sounds like. Well, so now you're in a bind. She needs to know, but you don't want to bail him out of a hard conversation, huh?Yes, sir. All right. So let me cut through it for you, okay?Look in the mirror and do this when, like, nobody else is home, okay, because otherwise people look at you funny.look at yourself in the mirror,make direct eye contact with yourself,
27:51and ask this question,what kind of man do I want to show up in the world as?And then do that.Mm-hmm.Yeah, I'm right.And dude, there's people listening to the showthat think what I'm saying is insane.You ride or die to the bottom of the ocean.
28:13That's family, that's brother, that's blood.I will forever, right?Yes, sir.That's how you want to roll in life.Roll that way.I want to be with people who everybody screws up, everybody, all of us.I want to be with people who after they screw up, make it right.They don't continue to blame other folks.
28:38Yes, sir.So, yeah, if I'm in your shoes, I would probably say, hey, brother, you got 48 hours.Yes, sir.Nah, man.And here's the thing.If he chooses to bail on you after putting you in this situation,that just further reveals the man that you already know him to be.Yes, sir.
29:07And you get to be heartbroken that your brother,A, put his brother in this situation,and B, continued to put the rest of his family in this situation,and C, then blamed y'all for it.That's heartbreaking.That's sad, right?Yes, sir.And it's even harder because we have two kids now, two young boys.
29:31One who was two years old,the other one who was just turning one.And they have a third one who was on the way as we speak.And he told me that on that same day as well after I was kind of grilling him on that.He told me that she's pregnant again.So there's no possible time for me to tell her.And also, I don't want to ruin their relationship with marriage you already built.I told him straight up.
29:53You already blew it up.You already ruined.There you go.Yeah, Lee.You channeling your inner Deloney.He already ruined it.Of course.You already blew it up.
30:00You threw the grenade inside there and the house has already exploded.and the wife is in there and chilling with ashes, she don't even know it.Well, she knows it.She just doesn't know how it happened.She thinks it's her.Yeah. Yeah.Right.And, I mean, I'd get with mom and dad and let them know, hey, I'm doing this.
30:18This is coming.And also offer that she's got a place to stay.Make sure that potentially about to be single mom with two kids and one on the way has a home and food and shelters.It's about being family.It's about community.It's about showing up for our neighbor.neighbors and or maybe your brother's going to need a couch to crash on and he can stay with youor mom and dad or he can go get his own place like he made his bed he's got to go lie in it but and if you
30:44want to go one step further sit down with your parents and say hey y'all said you're going to fire himif this happened again it happened again and by the way if it's happened three times it'shappened more than you all know these are just the ones that keep getting found out but yeah iI mean, when I get faced with a, and this is new for me, right?Because I was, I was, I'll say wishy-washy, but I had different standards.Now I want to, I always ask myself, when things get bananas, what kind of guy don't want to be?I'm going to be a guy that tells the truth, a guy that is honest, a guy that's open,a guy that just says, I'll be here with you, but I'm not going to, I'm not going to hold it for you, too.
31:24And by the way, I, I, my trade is secrets, if you will.My trade is confidentiality.come over to my house, nobody knows they were there. Nobody. Nobody. And so I'm all about that.But if it's, when we're talking family and we're talking, man, that's a different, that's adifferent world, brother. So thanks for the call, my man. You're a good man for thinking through it.And you got to do that. I'd get on you for about the last year, but you're going to make itright soon. So I'm going to applaud you for doing the next right thing. And be prepared forto ask hard questions and you just say, look at her and say, I let you down.
32:01And now we're going to make it right moving forward.Thanks for calling, my man.We come back.A woman asks how to find the balance needed to feel both successful and peaceful.Awesome.Great question.We'll be right back.All right, everyone.
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33:30dot com slash deloni use code deloni and don't forget to take their post purchase survey and let cosy earthknow you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show all right hey listen we have a fewtickets left for what i think of course i'm biased is the greatest marriage event on the planet it'sthe money in marriage we can get away right here in nashville me and my friend rachel cruz put it onWe do it every year and it sells out every year.We have like half the room returns every year because we make it new every year, but it's such an amazing time.You and your spouse, no distractions, no kids, no, I want a snack, I want a snack.Just y'all two working on your marriage.
34:13And as you can imagine, since my name is on it, I'm as real as it gets.Rachel's as real as it gets.We talk about your money, how to actually come together with your money.We talk about sex.We talk about communication.We talk about conflict.We talk about real thingsand give you real tools
34:30that will help you build the marriage you want.It's October 22nd through 24th.Click the link in the show notes for tickets.Get on them.They always sell out.I want to see you here in Nashville, Tennessee.You never know what wild guestswe're going to bring out on stage.
34:45It's always a blast.We got a date night.It's perfect.It's a great, great weekend.Come join us.October 22nd through 24th,money and marriage weekend retreat.All right, let's go out to Clay Aiken, South Carolina, and talk to Sarah.
35:01Hey, Sarah, what's up?Hey, Dr. John. How are you?Doing all right. How are you?I'm doing very well, thank you.Very good. What's up?I have a question for you.I want to know how you learn to be content without feeling like you're just being complacent.Great question.
35:20Dang, Gina.Okay, so tell me the origin of that question.So I will preface with I'm an overthinker about all things.I never overthink anything, so I'll have to stretch to sit with you.Yeah.So the other night, my husband and I, we were having a budget meeting conversation,whatever you want to call it.And he's getting all excited and hopeful for what we're on track to accomplish.
35:50And like those conversations tend to do, I'm kind of feeling frustrated and disappointed that we haven't made more progress or like we're still dealing with this.And, you know, and all my whining and complaining, he just sort of stops and goes, you know, what is going to be enough for you?Because I don't feel like you're ever really going to be content.And I just kind of like held my breath.And I said, oh, my gosh, he's right.And in all my overthinking, I started realizing that that's true beyond.our finances. It's pretty much every area of life for me. Good is never good enough.If something can be better, I want to try and do my best to make it better. I don't want to
36:36live with regret. And I think part of my problem is I realize how fast time goes, like,and we only get one life. And I don't want to ever look back and say, like, I wish I would havetried harder. I wish I would have given more effort.but often like I'll make a choice and on the other side of that choice, I'm looking back going,well, if I would have done this differently, this would have been different or possibly better.And it's just becoming emotionally and mentally exhausting.So I just want to learn to say like, this is reality.This is beautiful.
37:12It's wonderful.And let me just accept it for what is.I want to care less about the way things aren't and just sit and it.enjoy the way life is, but also not feel like I'm being lazy or I have more potential that I'mjust not using.God, you articulated this so perfectly.Well done.Thank you.
37:36Whose voice is that?Because it didn't start with you.Whose voice is that?The one that always telling you you should have and you could have and why didn't you?And if they had jest, whose voice is that?I mean, I guess I've always attributed it to be my own because it's the voice I've heard for as long as I can remember.I mean, I have parents that are wonderful and they've always supported me and challenged me and motivated me.But I feel like they didn't have to do a whole lot of motivating that in some sense I just put this pressure on myself.
38:28I'm going spulunking here, okay?I'm throwing things up against the wall to see if they stick.So tell me if they don't, okay?Okay.It's often the case that both things are true,that people who love you and care about youpush you really, really hard,and or they push themselves really, really hard,
38:55and you hear that.And the stories we tell ourselves,that that voice is often,the stories that we heard told to us or about us.And over time, those stories start being told to us in our own voice.And they sound true because why would we lie to ourselves, right?Right.So, for instance, if you're a little girl and your mom's always talking about how she needs to lose weight,
39:27I got to lose weight.Oh, my gosh, I got to lose weight.I've got 10 more pounds.She doesn't have to say anything.She could tell you you're beautiful till kingdom come.But what's the air in the home that you're breathing?You better not be 10 pounds over, right?And so if you're already a kid with a propensity for,
39:55I want to do good for my folks.I want to do good for myself.I've got an internal drive.And the only time your body gets that wink,that hug, that whatever is when you crush it,then over time you learn really quickly,I'm worth being loved when I crush it,which over time becomes,
40:24if I don't crush it, I'm not lovable.Which becomes, if I don't crush it,I, looking at the woman in the mirror that you are,am not worth anything.And let me say this.This has zero to do with bashing anybody,bad-mouthing parents, blaming, none of that.The only thing I think it's a worthy endeavor,
40:54is to ask who's saying these things to me.Because I, you, Sarah, are not the voice in your head telling you it should have been different.That's another voice talking to you.Do you what I'm saying?Yeah.And it sounds a little bit nutty.But if you can separate you from that voice that won't shut up,then it makes room for the other voice, which is,
41:22dude, we're chilling today.Yeah, I don't do a whole lot of that.Right.Drives my husband nuts.And so here's the, as with anything that's uncomfortable that we have to work towards,I'm going to give you an annoying word and you're going to roll your eyes and go, good gosh, are you serious?And the answer is yes.You're going to have to practice.
41:52And you're going to have to put on your type A calendar.do nothing.I do that, and somehow it always gets erased or, you know,something else comes up, and of course I'll say yes.So let me ask you this.The things that, like, when you look at the so,some total of your life, you know what, that's too big.How long have you been married?
42:28nine years.Okay, let's say the last 10 years, okay.How would you answer this question?For what?Like nine years for what or 10 years for what?Like, what is the things you've done,the tasks you've accomplished,the perfect way you make the bed,
43:01the way you clean the little holderthat your toothbrushes are inbecause you don't want any soap residuewith the, like, if we back outand say the perfectionof all these things,like for what?Has it brought you the life
43:21that you want to be living right now?In some ways, yes, and in some ways,perfect, great.If you had said either one of, like,no, not at all, or yes,everything, I would have called BS on both of them,but you answered it perfectly.Some ways it's brought order to chaos.
43:41It's brought your family along, right?Yeah.And thank God your husband has you in his life.You know why?That means the electric bill gets paid every month, right?That's awesome.And think God he has, you have him.Because y'all have a thing you'll have to go to and you are going to spend the evening dancing in your living room.
44:05Or you're going to have a bunch of plans this weekend.And you know what?You're going to end up camping somewhere.And you don't even like camping, but it was funny.Right?Yeah.It's you giving yourself permission to believe unlovable when I'm not.doing something.
44:29So in the practice, is it, is it practice, like truly just practicing doing nothing?Like, that's it?No.And then, not, especially not for people like you and for people like me.It's towards something.Okay.Okay.So it is, reverse engineer it as you do everything else in your life.
44:55Give me four words.If I was to say, how do you want your house to feel on an ongoing regular basis?What are the four words you just throw out there?Um, orderly, um, welcoming, comforting, um, hospitable.Okay.If you have attached orderly to comfortable, you're going to have a challenge.Because comfortable is shoulders dropped.I don't care where the blankets are.
45:30There's bags of popcorn on the floor or whatever.We're just here.Orderly is everything's in its place.And so finding out, I want my house to feel like this.and there's some misalignment here, right?I want it to be hospitable,but can somebody just drop byand there's laundry still out?
45:55You would never still have laundry out,but if you did,and they are so happy to see youand they get a cup of water,but you're not able to be present with thembecause you're worried,like, there's laundry out over there,there's laundry out over there,
46:10there's laundry out over there.Would that be hospitable?No, and there are certain people in my lifethat I'm 100% okay with that.Like, I have two small kids, a three-year-old and a six-year-old boy, so it's always likea bomb went off in this place.Like, you're always cleaning something up.And I do want people to still feel like they're welcome here.
46:37And you always have a place here.It doesn't have to be perfect before you show up.So a couple of people have gotten past your, have gotten backstage in the play that isyour life.What is it about the other people that you feel like you have to go out on stage in front ofthe curtain and perform?I guess in some ways that's been my whole identity from when I was little.There you go.
47:12I've always been the smart one, the prepared one, the successful one.I was always the kid that other people compared themselves to.Yeah.And I'll circle back to the word you gave me earlier.that's exhausting.It's not a one for one.It's not always.But generally speaking,
47:38the things that got us what we wantedor kept us safe as kidsend up messing up our adulthood.And so it's being able to saythis thing played an important rolein my childhood.And it's played an important role in our life.And it's not serving its purpose anymore.
48:03But as for me in my household,I'm not doing any more performances.And if you don't love me,if you don't want to come to my house,if you don't want to be my friendbecause I no longer have these clothes,this dollar amount,this, my house looks a certain way,
48:22then probably we've moved pastthe facade of this fake relationshipthat we're both pretending we have.And can I give you a practical thing too?Yes, please.I'll give you some very practical tips here at the end,but there's a practicality to itthat I don't want you to have to have
48:46we're all by yourself. You also have to be honest about, it may have been the last 10 years,you have to take on this role because your husband's not, right? Yeah, I think part of it isI don't really give him all a lot of room. Well, there you go. God, you're the most self-awareperson. Do you go to counseling? Are you in therapy? I'm just an overthinker. Okay, okay. Gosh.I mean, it's pretty amazing how articulate you are. I mean, how well you've thought through these things.Okay, so yeah, you are, sister, you are straight at the implementation phase.Take action.You're ready?
49:28Yes.For the next 60 days, do not skip a day.As soon as you open your eyes in the morning, do not pick up your phone, reach over and grab a small little journal and write five things you're grateful for right then.Okay.Then wake up.And then, before you pick up anything, go do one nice thing for your husband.make him a cup of coffeego
49:54I don't know what he'ssmack his butt in the kitchenI don't know what he's intolike go give him a hug for 60 secondsI don't care what it isdo one nice thing forokaydon't look at your phone
50:08until ohafter you do something nice for himdo something nice for younot for the stage version of youbut for backstage youdoes that go for a walk outsideand get some morning sun in your eyesis that go exercise
50:24is that go write poetry and I don't know do a nice thing for you okay and here's what we're doingpractically and it sounds so pedantic and it sounds so small and lame what you're doing isyou're orienting your body towards this I just opened my eyes I'm so grateful to be alivenext I'm going to orient myself towards service I was made I was put on planet earth to lovewell. And I'm going to act towards that. Not with criticism, not with we need to, not what we'vegot to, but with here's a cup of coffee. The next is I'm going to do something for me because I'mworth an hour by myself so that I could spend the rest of this day with my husband and these kidsanchoring into me. And none of that is about, has anything to do with prepping the house for
51:29the big theater show tonight. And then I want you to put, I want you to do the opposite.of what I told you to do earlier, okay?Don't put free time on the calendar.I want you to instead block offcleaning time, 30 minutes.That's it.Whatever I get done in 30 minutes is awesome.And make a commitment to yourself
52:00that when your husband walks in the house,you don't immediately announcethe things that you didn't get done.That one's going to be hard.I know.But because if he walks in the doorand the first thing is not a smileand I'm happy to see you,
52:15it is you trying to pull all the bulletout of a gun you think he's about to fire at you?Oh, I'm sorry, I'm a mess.I was doing this and I didn't get this cleaned upand I can get this finished.If he's a guy who walks inand is demanding his wife be perfectand then he's got his own problems.
52:35But the way you've described him ishe's a guy who's just kind of recklessly in lovewith his wife and he's kind of happy to be alive.He's got two knuckleheaded little boysand a good setup going, right?Yeah, exactly.I'm not going to flinch in the face of a manwho loves me like that.
52:50you're pretty amazing Sarah pretty amazing another powerful tool for overthinkers is gettingwith real people in the world and dropping your shoulders with them and being honest andvulnerable and saying things like I feel jealous and I am tired of like sharing that with other realpeople your body tends to go oh we're safe now which can be a blessing too thanks for the callyou're on the right path now it's practice time I cannot wait to see how this workout for you. We'll be right back.AI is blowing up all over the place, and now people don't need to know you to sound like theydo. And with technology like voice matching, scammers can use what they know about you in
53:36ways that are almost impossible to detect. That's where Delete Me can help. Delete Me goes to hundredsof data broker sites and removes your personal information so scammers can't grab it and use itagainst you. And then if your data pops up again, Delete Me keeps removing it month after month.Go to join Deleteme.com slash Deloney to get 20% off all plans or click the link in the description.All right, Kelly, am I the problem? As always, the answer is yes. You are. Disagree.We can agree to disagree, but I'm right. So before we go to the, am I the problem, we,are changing things up a little bit without either problem,and we want your voicemails, people.
54:23Yes. So not only,not just type them and send them in,we want your voicemails. And we're going to playthe voicemail, and then you willget to, you know,you'll get to reply to the voicemail.Now, there's a few things people need to know.First thing.
54:39Phone number.844-693-3-291.844-6-93-9-3-9-9-1.3-2-9-1, call in, leave a voicemail.At the beginning of that voicemail, say this is for, am I the problem?So we know that that's what it is.That's also the number Kelly gives out to men when she's out on the town.So she needs to be able to parse through who's calling what?
55:07I go back to yes, you are the problem.So when you call in, give us your first name and tell us where you are, tell us that am I the problem.It has to be something that John can answer without any more context.This can't be your big life storyand a question that involvesyou know a ton of other questionsand having to dig deeper.It's the same thing as if you were typing an end.
55:30If we can't use it, we won't use it.Please keep them to less than a minute.And you could put a fake name on there.You can say hi, this is Janet from North Dakota.Exactly.I just need something or I will make something up myself.There you go.But keep it short, keep it to about a minute.
55:44We will edit them if we have to.But keep the question brief.you know, keep us up that we can answer without more context.And, yeah, send us those in.And I look forward to that.I'm super excited to get more voices out on the show.And every time we do, Am I the Problem, I always have to imagine who wrote this?What were they doing?
56:07What's their, like, are they angry?Are they laughing?So this will be awesome.Get your voice heard.Get out there.I'm hyped for it.Yep.All right.
56:14So for today's Am I the Problem?This is from Gerald in Boston, Massachusetts.And he writes,I've had struggles with my weight most of my life.One of the reasons is I'm a grazer.Mostly chocolate and sugary snacks.I am seeing my son follow the same pattern.I have asked my wife not to buy these type of snacks regularly.
56:35Buying them for parties and special occasions is fine,but not regularly so that we are not tempted by them.She says no, because then we are not fixing the issueand we need to use willpower to just not eat them.Oh my God.Am I the problem for just not wanting the temptation in the houseinstead of working on my willpower?Yeah, I actually, I got, like,
56:58I think it was two grams of cocaine and, like,not a full pound of weed, but I got a bunch,and I just lay it out on my kitchen counter,right where the kids walked by,and I'm like, willpower, kids, willpower.Yeah, and I have a, like a laptop that's just,unfiltered and it's just like guys type in whatever you want and just use your voice justSiri will find it for you no that's madness madness madness madness a yes like you know what this may be
57:32dumb of me to say at this point I too am a grazer I love candy and I love shenanshenanagan food I'm through trying to get to the root of that I have a simple choice do I do it ordo I not do it. And by the way, I've been sober from candy all the way sinceof May. I'm still plugging along. Very proud of you. And can I just say thisshockingly? I'm having to go get new pants. I last night at the concert, the guy who wasgrabbing the shirts was like, are you getting an X-L? And I was like, nope, large. And he's like,whoa. Like, it just happens. Just, you know what I mean? It's just math. But here's the thing.I'm not getting to the root of it.
58:12I have to stop.And one of the great ways to stop is to not have it around you.So, yes, you're dead on to say, hey, as a family,we're going to stop bringing this kind of garbage into the house.And by the way, because she loves me,my wife, occasionally I'll open a drawerand there will be a bag of gummy candies.It's probably been in there six months
58:38where my wife can just eat three at a timebecause she's a serial killer.but she can just eat a few and then put it back in the drawer.She hides it from,I think she does hide it from me,but it's not out in the cabinets because she knows,I'll walk by and be like,yeah,
58:52I got to have that right now.And so if your wife needs a sugary snack,great, awesome, cool.Ask her to love you welland to put it in a place where it's just for her.And here's the next step.If I was in the same situation,like, hey, I want to stop having candy and junk in the house,
59:11I'm trying to clean up my diet.And as you mentioned, my son is picking up my habits.My daughter's picking up my habits.And my wife looked at me and was like, I don't care.Then when it came into the house, I would put it in the trash.I'd throw it away.And like, that's my new willpower.Right?
59:27My willpower is I will pick it up and throw in the trash.So like, yes, madness just to be like, no, we got to do it with willpower.Ridiculous.What do you think, Kelly?Oh, 100%.I kind of like, I feel like I got up on my little soapbox here.Oh, I think it's 100% right.you don't like go to AA for alcohol and they tell you go sit in a bar and just don't drink it.
59:47A's not at a full bar.Right.They tell you you have to stay away from alcohol.You have to get new friends that are drinking, you know, that aren't drinking anymore.You have to cut all of that out of your life for a reason.We'll figure out why later.Stop doing that.Stop doing it now and then we'll figure out why.
01:00:04I mean, like I used to love soft drinks.I mean, like back in high school, college, I loved them.and then I just quit drinking them.Now I can have one Coke every three weeksand I drink half of it.Right.But I didn't go just set them all around meand be like, I won't do this.
01:00:20I won't.Yeah, duh.I mean, support.Especially when your spouse is trying to do something healthy,be supportive for the love of heat.And when they say, hey, the thing that I've struggled with my whole life,I'm watching my kids become a part of this.Will you help me?
01:00:38and they're like, no.That gives me the hemorrhoids, man.That gives me the GAS on a stick.You are not the problem, my brother.Love you guys.Bye.
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