The Jacqueline Monroe Show - 431- Happy 6th Birthday TJMS #Draft

Episode Date: September 9, 2026

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Hey, what's up? It's Jacqueline. Welcome back to the show. Happy fall, okay? Happy September. Happy spooky season. But most importantly, happy six years to us, okay? Okay, it's like... It's like, why did I actually sit my fat ass down and press record today? why did I actually come back after however many weeks it's been that I've put out a podcast

because I looked at my calendar and I had a no shit moment where I go it's my six-year anniversary I better put something out okay I better fucking sit down and record okay and by the way we're sitting down today um things are different things are more challenging now I am shaped like um Santa Claus okay if you if you're new here I'm pregnant whatever I'm pregnant and I'm shaped like Santa Claus and it's funny I'm sitting down for the first time in a few weeks and the last time I sat down in this seat I this drawer I set my microphone in didn't hit my stomach the way it's hitting it now so basically it's a whole situation like I it didn't touch and now it touches and um yeah I feel like we're gonna get a kick here

and everything's gonna fly off this desk um because this this drawer is a little it's a little unstable. So yeah. Um, you know, I'm a real mom. I'm a real wife and I'm a real woman. Okay. Um, it is what it is. We're yeah. We're, we're almost to the end here. We're almost to the end. And, um, it was fat bitch summer. It's going to be fat. It's still fat. It's fat bitch fall. And then it's going to be flubby bitch winter. Okay. Postpartum flubby, flubby, flubby, flubby, flubby bitch winter. It is what it is. I'm very grateful. I'm happy you guys. I feel like, you know, part of what I've learned in six years podcasting for this long is that I'm, I lean into, I lean negative and I lean bitchy, complaining, whiny, moany. I lean very,

uh, yeah, negative. And the truth is, is like, I am so happy. Everything is beautiful and amazing. I don't want to sit here and complain about my body and my fat ass and my gut and my fucking Bert Kreischer beer belly. It's like, nothing pisses me off more right now than the fact that Bert Kreischer is in better shape than I am like this. Okay. Honestly, I will be negative for two seconds. Um, I'm going to, do I have any other negative things I want to get off? Should I just purge it now? Um, yeah, I will. I will say this. I fucking hate being fat and I don't like being big and I don't, I don't love, I love the kicks. I love, you know, what I'm doing here and creating life and all that beautiful stuff, but I do not like being big. I don't, I hate it. I don't love

the body changes it's yeah not for me okay not for me I'm doing it but it's not for me that's what I've learned okay whatever I'm gonna be that's me being honest it's um it's cute like I get it it's cute I look cute a lot of people are like oh my god you're so cute and they like want to touch my belly whatever Corey hates when I say belly my bump my my stomach my gut um um but yeah I'm looking forward to not having this whole situation to maneuver um in the near future like I'm yeah um am I mature enough to have a child if this is how I'm thinking about my pregnant body like is this I always reflect on that I'm like am I do I have the maturity is this like is it's like should I have whatever um okay moving on so I have a great show for you

today, six years of podcasting. We're going to do a quick reflection on that. Um, and then I've got, yeah, show and tell, which is crazy. A tchotchke from six years ago, um, to show you, and then we've got life updates. I'm going to catch up to speed where I've been, what I've been up to. Um, not, there's not much to say. Okay. But we're going to do it. We're going to do a little deep dive, um, into the life updates. Um, and then we've got some palate cleansers, some, uh, just stupid shit. And then like tick tocks and nonsense. And then we're gonna talk about the Lindsay Clancy case because how could I not, um, it's captured me. It's consumed all of my mental time, energy, mental space. By the way, speaking of mental space, I do know my brain

has shrunk 5% or that's allegedly what happens. The gray matter in your brain when you're pregnant shrinks by like five, up to 5%. I think mine is, has shrunk a lot more than that. Words are hard. sentences are hard I struggled to put like I have to stare and think I'm one of those people now during conversation I just I blanks I blank stare into the into the wall and I have to close my eyes I close my eyes a lot and I pause and I have to think about my next what I want to say next so yeah let's just take it slow together give me grace take it slow um we're a little brain dead um did I sleep well last night I slept really well the thing is is I was at the the doctors yesterday and they're like they're like how are you doing um you know how are you feeling like

how's and you know other than telling them like I hate being fucking fat um I'm kidding I didn't say that I'm like I feel great like I'm honestly sleeping amazing and I haven't had issues with sleep. And I think that's the biggest blessing when you're pregnant. Like I truly have had the easiest ride other than a few hiccups in the first trimester with sickness. Like I've truly, I, I just feel a little more tired, but I've been sleeping really well. Um, even, but even though Christ, I'm going to, do I want to rerecord? Do I want to rerecord? I need to make a game time decision right now. What are we five minutes in 10 minutes in? do I want to rerecord? Do I want to start this over? Do I want to come up with a shtick and do

a funny thing instead of what I just did? And like practice that like 10 times in the mirror and then sit down and then come with something a lot more exciting. Cause I'm already what I'm, what's, what's going on right now. What's going on right now. If you know me, if you know me, If you know where, um, what my truth is and what my, my mindset, my mindset is as a business woman, as a content creator, as a podcast host, as a woman who puts herself out there online, you, you, you might be aware right now that I'm aware of right now that I am pissed that I've already talked about being pregnant this much because I wanted to delete that part of my life from the internet and net or not delete it. Never have a record of it. Okay.

I wanted to keep, it's the most sacred thing ever. And I just wanted to have something in my life that I kept extremely private and it's not part of my content. And here we fucking are. Okay. Let's, I'm going to give myself grace and we're going to keep, we're going to keep recording. We're not going to delete anything. We're just going to keep rolling with it. Already lost my train of thought. I have no idea, um, what I was about to say before this. Um, let's just, you know, we were talking about being pregnant. I don't fuck. Oh, I'm sleeping well. Oh, even though I'm sleeping well, tired as shit. So it's like, you're just always tired. Um, how far along am I um great question thanks for asking um we're far enough okay let's just say that we're far

enough we've we're in this we're in the phase of of this it sounds like I sound like such a negative bitch like do I like am I do I find joy in anything do you know like actually let's I'm gonna do my six years of podcasting reflection like very like shortly here do I find joy in anything okay this is what I find joy in wallpaper okay picking out wallpaper I love the baby gear I love the clothing I love the I got bottles okay I loved imagining the I'm gonna do my birth chart by the way this is like all over the place I'm gonna do like a quick birth chart astrology thing after my six years of podcasting reflection. Um, and then we'll do life, life updates, um, and the fun stuff. And we're going to keep it light today. I'm not going

to hit you hard. I mean, I'm going to hit you with a, the Lindsay Clancy case at the, at the end, we'll touch on that. Um, but like, it's going to be fun and light and whatever, but, um, anyways, I'm going to do my birth chart. Um, and, and literally I was like, Hey chat, like spit me out my birth chart birth chart quickly um so I can explain or I can talk about on the podcast and it was it literally it it told me because your Venus is in Leo and this and that about your Jupiter and this and that about your I don't know I don't know how anything works it was like you're obsessed with sex you're a highly sexual person and here I am telling you what I love about pregnancy and mother and this I'm not well I'm motherhood whatever I'm I guess yeah I am a mother

um I have a leg inside of my body right now that's not mine and I'm growing it I am a mother okay um that might kick this drawer and and launch the microphone off of the desk okay like my stomach is touching this drawer it's actually helping my posture I feel like this is good for my posture um I'm sitting here about to tell you about baby bottles or I did tell you about the bottles i picked out bottles i researched bottles and the thing about the bottles is you want to you want to get the the the ideally the bottle the nipple on the bottle resembles the nipple on your body okay and so i was going to do this thing about um enjoying like the process i enjoyed the most is and this is the sexual thing about my astrology

chart whatever like i was going to do this whole fucking in my head immediately as i started talking about bottles. I was going to make it sexual. Okay. And is my mind, I've never been, okay. I've been, you, you are some people's libido decreases during pregnancy, which I understand, like that makes sense. Can't relate. I it's like my mind is so like, what is going on? I don't know. It's the hormones, right? It's the hormones, but like the, the way the hormones are responding in my body is like I'm a teenage fucking boy in their garage discovering a porn magazine for the first time I don't fucking I used to find shit I don't know okay this is like getting weird um okay so yeah there was always like a weird box in the garage and I'm like what the fuck is this

okay so yeah i am enjoying so what am i enjoying i love it's it's such a fun like hobby like collecting all these tchotchkes for a baby and like like organizing it like i'm getting my dresser today like talking to cory all day long about little tchotchkes baby tchotchkes and like the books we're reading and like the tiktoks are watching like we're we're constantly just nerding out to this like i love it okay i fucking love it it's so fun it's so exciting um I'm it's such a trip like I don't want to overthink or if I think too much about it I get I get tripped out because like in a very short amount of time I'm gonna be like the it's holy shit my life is gonna go like 180 um and be forever changed and it's the most

beautiful amazing thing and it's it's just it's so yeah I don't want to if I think too much about it like I have the ultrasound pictures all taped up in our kitchen and I just look at the the face I'm trying to be gender neutral here I don't think I've done a gender reveal I'm sure that's a one piece I am actually keeping sacred um I might have accidentally done it in a previous episode I kind of think I think I did towards the end I don't whatever but um and I look at the the 4d image where you can see the face of the baby the baby's face and I'm just like i i i like it paralyzes me mentally i'm like what the fuck how is this yeah so that's what there will never be the words do not exist to describe what this experience

truly feels like um as a as a woman who's pregnant and going through this and um yeah i'm just so grateful blessed I am so I'm trying to be positive and happy like let's be like not not everything has to be self-deprecating and I'm fat he he he let me drink some water we have plain filtered water today not everything has to be self-deprecating he he ha ha I'm fat and I'm over it and Okay. Um, cool. So we're going to start the episode out on that note, speaking, speaking, being fat. Um, this is our like little intro. Let's start the podcast. Um, happy six years. Let's start the podcast. This is the intro video we're going to watch

together. And by the way, I, I'm so grateful for you. Let me continue being positive. I'm so grateful for you. Thank you so much for your support. Does this feels like I'm being disingenuous? Like I'm just doing this to do it. No, like truly, by the way, thanks for letting me continue to record. So we worked that out together. We continued, we didn't restart. So like, thanks for giving me grace, um, during this time, thanks for being here and supporting my show the ones that just tuned in for the first time today to you don't forget to hit that subscribe button okay let's do the should we do the plugs should we do the plugs no whatever uh yeah please hit that subscribe button if you're new if this is your first show you're tuning in

for tuning in to um please hit that subscribe button review the show five stars all that jazz follow me on socials, um, getting, uh, we're rusty. Um, and then into those who have been here from the beginning, um, like I'm deeply passionately physically, um, mentally, emotionally in uh yeah deeply in love with you because one thing about me is that i just want to be loved everyone just wants love and they want to be liked and loved and accepted and for the love of god for those of you who have been here since the first episode. I am. Thank you. You've been through a lot. And it means a lot that you're still here. And I really appreciate you. And I love you. I truly do. Okay, let's start

the show. And I absolutely do body shame, man. Yes, I sure fucking do. Yes, I'm fat. And I have Childbearing hips I'm white at the hips Because I'm supposed to Push a fucking motherfucker Out these hips That's why the fuck I'm big I'm supposed to nurture

Somebody from this body You can At least six kids Can live off me And be alright And live good That's my excuse I'm supposed to

Push off human beings And make sure they can live Off the nourishments From this body I got enough nourishments To feed five six kids And I'm good Why the fuck

Is you big though As a man Fuck is you doing big I know why the fuck I'm big I'm big I got estrogen I got big old fucking jumbo titties

All type of hormones jumping through my body and shit I'm supposed to make children This body is supposed to bring life and put energy into other things What the fuck is you big though for? Why the fuck your ass fatter than mine? As a man Why you don't got a six pack? It's so easy for y'all to get a six pack

Y'all literally just gotta stop eating bullshit and get a six pack in like two days Why don't you got a six pack as a man? Yes I'm judging you Why don't you have a six pack? Why your shoulders is not brolic as a man? Why you don't have triceps and stuff as a man? And y'all gonna jump in the comments right message wrong messenger i don't give a fuck i'm fat i'm a woman i could be fat

i'm supposed to you ain't never seen them bitches how they look back in the day when they was giving birth to all them fucking kids all the big bitches had husbands first because that's what the fucking healthiest bitch looked like that's the bitch who's supposed to make kids i'm big because i'm supposed to push people out this body they supposed to live with me and the fat off this body as a man the fuck is you doing fat why what's your excuse poetry straight fucking poetry the more you think about it though the more the more she's she's she's on to something or she has a beautiful point um yeah why the fuck don't you have a six pack there's also this other bro like this site not science bro this

fit bro dude that like made the same point about how like it's like weirdo behavior to be a man and not have a six pack and to not be in shape like it's like that's there's something like deeply wrong with you it's like you're his internalized whatever fat phobia is so insane like it's so I mean he's in my in my fat phobic you guys clearly like I'm fat phobic like I just you know um I think I'm fat phobic and I think that but I also but when it comes to women it's like a different I'm fat phobic towards men because like she said what the fuck like the fat on my body is is used for uh it's it's it's used for something it's used for um the children and raising and nurturing the the next generation of a human being what's the fat on your body for Chad

dad um so okay um six years of podcasting uh should we do it like what's the the the thing is is like okay I want to have fun that TikTok was fun um yeah dad bods are kind of bullshit when you think about it because if you're not a dad and you have a dad bod like what the fuck are you doing? What the are you doing? Like, if you really think about it, it's like, yeah. Uh, I mean, some men are thick in all the right places, like women in that way, like with the dad bod, like it is a vibe, but you have to have, like, there's a certain dad bod that's a vibe. And then if you there's fat and then I'm just, you have to look built underneath it. And then it's like kind of okay. But then if you're not a dad, I don't know. Okay. I didn't,

I didn't form my thoughts on that before we started recording. If you can't tell, um, I'm just trying to put together something here about fat men. Um, I'm saying fat a lot today. Um, and by the way, you know how women are like my weight during my pregnancy is none of my business. I don't weigh myself in. I'm on them. I'm on that scale. Okay. And I'm keeping track and I'm monitoring very closely. Okay. Cause I do give a shit. Okay. I do. And I don't think you could call that toxic. You could say that's like really like psychotic and whatever. I just like to know, I like to know where I'm at and I'm neutral. Like I sound like I'm not neutral about it here. We are talking about it. The pregnancy shits were continuing. Like I'm neutral. I'm

but I'm, I just like, I don't want to spiral out of control. And if I have no awareness, like that's how that happens. And then, oh shit, I gained 130 pounds during my pregnancy. Like that's kind of why I'm doing it. I'm like, I do like to, obviously they weigh you at the doctor, but, um, I like to, how much have I actually gained? 50, 50 pounds? No. 30. I should, I'm saying like, I'm talking about this. Like I know it, like I weighed myself this morning and I'm, I'm, I have a calculator on me at all times. Like I should know this off the top of my head. 40 pounds. Wait, hold on. 30, 35. So we're cruising. Okay. We're, we're fine. I was told that the doctor yesterday to cut back on the sugar because we don't, I will say the percentile,

the baby's in the 86th percentile, the gender neutral. We were not saying the gender of the baby, the sex, gender, whatever it's called. We are in the 86th percentile. And at this stage, you know, eating half a pan of, of chocolate chip banana bread that I homemade chocolate chip banana bread the other day for breakfast. Um, uh, and this was the type of, this was a deep pan this was a meatloaf style pan so if you could picture the depth of this banana bread the width and the depth um also I doubled the chocolate chips in this recipe so yeah doing that on a consistent basis needs to stop um the sweets need to kind of chill out because this is when the baby packs fat on their body the most at this stage and this is going to be for me it's going

to be the difference of, uh, we're looking at, you know, this, this is the difference. We don't want a nine pounder. We don't want a 10 pounder. We also don't want a fourth degree, fourth degree tear. Um, so we just got to rain it, rain it in, switch out the banana bread for, for a few blueberries and call it a fucking day. Okay. At least I'm laughing. At least we're having fun. you know, like that's one thing I can always give you here. And by the way, I want you to end this episode. The feeling I want you to walk away with after you click out of this episode is okay. I want, I want, I want to make you feel like you can have it all. That is my why, that is why after six years of recording podcasts, after six years of

podcasting, the feeling I want you to have after listening to an episode of my show is that you can have it all. and by listening to my stories and by yeah listening to the good word of my life and the stories of my life and my trials and tribulations and the trials and tribulations of my of my my journey as a woman living this modern life and lifestyle addicted to her addicted to her phone um really addicted to true crime right now like all the other suburban housewives across america

they are talking out of their ass about the lindsey clancy trial i'm just a modern bitch okay and by but what but you know a woman who is um you know loves loves a good matching set loves a good matching set and um a spicy mark I don't know I haven't drank in a while and we haven't we haven't talked about alcohol in a while here I don't know I'm just a basic bitch okay but I want to make I want you to make I want to make you feel like you can have it all okay so I don't know how we got there got too deep for two seconds It's going to get even deeper because now we're going to actually talk about the six year, um, six year, the, the reflection we're going to reflect on six years.

Um, holy shit. I'm getting hot. Okay. okay I think I'm ready sometimes you just need to take a moment it. You know? Okay. So we're going to start with a show and tell because it's funny. It's funny. Like I can't believe I kept this in my podcast desk drawer for six years. It's kind of disgusting, but I think it's funny. Um, I have a locket of blonde hair from six years ago when I started podcasting, go to YouTube or Spotify to watch. Hi, I'm on YouTube. Subscribe to my YouTube channel.

I'm on Spotify video. Um, you know, this might turn into a, a vertical clip on Tik TOK. You can follow me on Tik TOK. Okay. Uh, or Instagram, um, the Jacqueline Monroe show, go check it out. Okay. This is a locket of blonde hair. I kept after I obviously cut my hair, but then I dyed it back to Brown. Um, this is definitely a trim where these pipe bangs. Um, and the reason I did this is because I didn't know if I was ever going to go bleach blonde again you know I didn't know and so for and this is the part of my birth chart we're going to learn together learn about together like I'm deeply sentimental and whatever I wanted a locket of my blonde hair to remember that the time the one time in my life if I never do this again that I was blonde and I wanted to have a

memory of it wasn't just a picture so I literally kept a chunk of fucking blonde hair I mean it's in great shape I mean the thing is is I went blonde in one day I found this guy in La Jolla here in San Diego and I said look I'm seeing a lot of uh I'm seeing a lot of celebs going you know I brought up the Kardashians I'm like look the amount of times I've seen Kim go from brunette to blonde in less than 24 hours is confirmation that it's possible and you know I don't want to hear because because what you do is you tell the the hairstylist I went to a few people to like get a consultation they're like we're gonna have to do it in stages and take do it over time and you know I'm like otherwise your hair is gonna fall out and and um I called bullshit on that because

I've seen how many times again Kim's gone from brunette to blonde in a day and maybe it's a wig she was I don't know I feel like they act it's possible because I know it's possible because I did it and um anyways so I was there for like nine hours it cost me like four thousand dollars This was during the fucking, this is pretty pandemic. Was I on government checks yet? What the fuck was I on unemployment yet? I don't know. It was an absurd amount of money. I was there for, I had to order dinner, um, lunch and dinner and long story short, none of my hair fell out. He was in shock. He's like, wow, like it's processing perfectly. Um, no, I'm not, I'm not, as he was rinsing my hair out there was no fault like nothing was falling out in the sink or there

wasn't crazy damage or anything and um yeah so I was so the the reason I brought this to the the set today was because it's all over my keyboard shit no it's it literally I'm like stroking this hair bush stroking my bush okay I'm stroking this blonde bush and it's just dumping like the little strands are falling all over um my my desk um god this is giving me ptsd you guys if you ever find if you're a brunette if you're a brunette this is for my brunettes okay if you're a brunette in a relationship with a man right now i'm just letting you know that um one of the the worst potential worst moments of your of your life this could happen, always be on the lookout, always be scanning for it. Okay. Especially if

they live alone. Okay. If they have roommates, it's a little less, it's still jarring, but like it's a little less of a blow. Always be on the lookout for a singular blonde strand, a rogue blonde. If they have a golden retriever. Okay. If they've got a white lab. Okay. You're going to know the difference between a golden retriever hair strand and a and a woman's hair strand but just always be just always be on the lookout um you know for a long blonde strand a rogue long long long long long blonde strand um in my experience it was stuck to a bar of soap in his bathroom. Um, and I remember picking it up, going back into the bed with him, sucking his

meant to do this one sucking out of rage um and then laying back down and then yeah that was out of pure rage so that was a rage fuck okay and then uh then ripping a piece of hair out of my you guys nothing is more barbaric than a woman or no no what's the quote it's like a woman scorned or whatever I don't know um and then I ripped out a strand of my hair and this is like two months before I figured out what was actually going on and I ripped out a strand of my my brunette hair and I lined it up I'm having like PTSD I'm having heart palpitations right now because this was very traumatic for me and I like took my hair out ripped it out of my head and I lined it up with the blonde hair I found on his

soap in his bathroom. And I was like, these don't match. And the texture is not the same. Like I have fine, thick hair. This was a different, this was a coarse strand of hair. Like, do you go horseback riding anytime recently? Like were you around a Palomino? uh this is the given this is given palomino main okay uh you know i didn't question about it but i remember i was just laying back and i was staring at this blonde strand next to my brown hair and it if you're even doing this leave them get the fuck out if you're even considering this is a possibility get the fuck out you guys the amount of red flags that i in not just with this relationship in the past. Oh my God. I let so much shit slide. We're not doing the six year

reflection, but anyways, I have, Oh, well this is six years ago when I started podcasting, I was bleach blonde. Let's move on. And I kept a bushel of blonde hair as a memento. Okay. So let's get deep. Um, okay. Let's get deep. Six years ago, what was really going on? Um, besides being blonde. Um, okay. So like, God damn it. We're just, we're muscling through this. We're muscling through it. We're, we're, we're muscling through it. Okay. We're fucking up with the sound effects. We're muscling through it. you guys, this is the truth. I was at my rock bottom six years ago. We've talked, I feel like here's the thing. I don't do the introspection stuff a lot anymore. I mostly

just entertain, keep it light, keep it fun. Talk about the current events of the world, the good news of the world, the, the trending topics on Tik TOK and all, you know, like right now we should be talking about Alex Earl versus Alex Cooper and the fucking text message that everyone's show. I don't know. Like there was like a text and there's a, there's a reality show. The Earl meets world reality show going on. We could be talking about Dajon love, uh, and the, the fake 49ers player and the scam that he was, uh, I mean the risk, probably one of the most respectable. I mean, like I said, I love when people are committed to excellence and like when it comes to scamming people, he was so committed to it that like, I respect, I'm like, that's

respectable. I know it's like disgusting. He like stole people's money or whatever. And these women were, they're dumb. I mean, they're dumb. He wasn't even on the rock, like bitch, like you can't, how did you get, I mean, I know some people like the videos of him. Okay. So we can be talking about all of this instead and not the deep introspection. Like I was in my healing journey and six years ago I was at my rock bottom, but like, we're just going to do a quick recap of it, because I think it's important to do this every now and then. And essentially what I'm saying is that I, yeah, six years ago, I was, it was September 4th, 2020. Okay. I was so depressed, like the worst I was in the darkest. Yeah. Like, and, and, and then the

thing is about depression if you've never gone through it it's like it's hard to understand like what that what that even looks like day to day but for me it was very much like I'm just waking up and like staring at the ceiling and going what's the point and not doing anything all day long and just like laying around and yes I was on well no I did have a job I did have a job I was working for um I was literally director of media relations that was my title so I'm depressed but I'm director of media relations. Okay. And I'm working with celebrities and influencers and, and putting people in Forbes magazine and like fucking doing all this media relationship and PR stuff for company and startup company. You know, I was getting interviews with Paris Hilton. You guys

have no idea about my past career history. Like I don't talk about a lot, but like, so I'm like doing that. And that, that just kicked off. Like that was a job. I kind of forget how many months I was in um so I'm doing that kind of a rock star job kind of a cool like it was a cool experience um and then also depressed also fat and blonde I don't want to keep saying fat I keep talking about me but I was like extremely unhealthy I was just like not like I was just like you know when you look at someone who's not healthy and they just look on they just they don't look healthy Like it was my eyes. It was my, my face was extremely bloated. My whole body was just like inflamed. It's like, and I was 35 pounds overweight. Like it's funny. I look, I'm, I'm

heavier now this many months pregnant. Um, should I just tell you guys like, fuck it? Like I'm, I'm like I'm like 45 weeks pregnant I'm like we're getting close we're like very pregnant um but I look skinnier now like in my face even like than I did when I was going through this depression and during um 2020 and when I started podcasting anyways so whatever I I needed to fix my, fix my shit, my, my personally and then in my relationships. So essentially podcasting came out of nowhere. Someone DM me, they're like, you should start a podcast, whatever. I press record on my, on this like audio recording app. I made my first, I recorded my first episode all about my 2020 experience. Like, you know, what each month was

kind of looking like I went, I went through like March when COVID started and then all the way to September. And I just, it was therapy, right? I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm, this feels so good to talk about it and, and be honest and raw about like what's actually happening in my life, um, as an unemployed, depressed. Well, I was employed. Okay. So we were employed. Um, but I was, you know, at first I got, I lost my job and then, um, I was living alone. I had no friends, nothing going on, no social interaction. It was so isolating and terrible and whatever. So I told a story of my, my 2020 basically my first episode. And then immediately like after I finished that, I was like, Oh yeah, this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Like, this is my calling,

all the stars aligned. I'm a podcast host. I'm obsessed with this. I need to buy a microphone now. I need to get, I need to do it all. Like I need to get a setup and make this my thing. And I literally did it seven days a week for about a year. Okay. That was my first year of podcasting. Um, okay, cool. So I was recording every day, talking alone with myself, um, about myself. Like I was asking, I was very instantly curious about my behavior And it became a show where I was like very comfortable sharing these really uncomfortable thoughts about, about myself publicly. Like I just purged it. I was, it was like, I was talking to a therapist, but I was just talking to the people listening to my podcast. It was, it was, um, kind of like a phone call. Like you're calling a friend and you're just dumping. Right. And that's how the, that's, that was the format of the show at first. And I always

mixed in news and pop culture. And it was fun. Cause it was, it was during a crazy time. It was like the 2020 election. I, I also at the same time, so I'm doing a lot of introspection. Also, I'm also discovering that I'm, I'm good at storytelling and, um, entertaining. And I, I developed like pretty quickly, this satirical ranting style, I guess you could say, um, kind of comedic satirical ranting style that just naturally that became, cause you're finding your voice when you're podcasting every day. You're like, you're not at first you're, it's a little rocky and then you start finding your voice and that becomes your show. And that's, that becomes your, you know, what you, um, what people know you for and the vibe you give off when they tune

in. And, um, that was cool to like realize. Cause I'm like, wait, this is fun. I feel people are giving me feet, positive feedback. They, they're like, I love listening to your show. It's, you know, they're laughing. They're DMing me there. You know, it's like, oh my gosh, I'm not a loser. Like people give a shit about me and want to know what I have to say. And up until then, if you don't know my backstory, I was very much in the, yeah, not the depression was like obviously the cloud at the time, but internally never really liked myself. Never thought I was good enough. Never. I could never find a positive thing to say about myself. I was constantly trying to fix, fix, fix. Like, and I was insecure about my personality. I was insecure

hear about. Yeah. How I, yeah. Especially how I looked eating disorder for 10 years, uh, was really uncomfortable with when I'd have conversations with people. Like I never felt comfortable in my voice, if that makes sense. Like, so the podcast obviously healed that. And so I'm doing, so let's make a long story short. So I'm doing a lot of personal healing. So this is the, this is the before and after. So six years ago versus now. And like, what's happened in between. I'm going to make this very short and sweet. So I was doing a lot of internal healing of the mind. Okay. It was all internal. I was alone. And by the way, you can't just heal alone. Okay. And I think the truth is, is I

actually healed. Like my actual healing happened outside of podcasting and outside of being home alone thinking about myself all the time and talking about myself all the time it happened in my relationships because the thing about being fucked up and having trauma and hating yourself and having an eating disorder and all of that bullshit as a woman or a man I could be whatever man woman doesn't matter is that it you don't you're not just born thinking this way it happens those scars and those things that burn you every day and that, that hurt you happen in relationships. And so the only way to heal from that is to be in real, you have to heal with it, with it comes from the trauma comes from other people. And then it's, Oh my God, get it together.

Okay. So you have to, so in order to heal fully, you need to be triggered. You need to be yeah like you need to be exposed to people and you need to be triggered and then apply all of that internal healing you've done in those relationships so you're triggered now you're exposed to people in situations and those people in situations used to might they used to fuck you up. Maybe they used to be part of the, they might be the reason why you're traumatized and fucked up. But now that you've done the inner work and you've, you've worked internally and personally healed and worked on yourself. Now you can go into those relationships and actually apply it and actually heal because that's when it becomes real. Okay. It's easy to be healed when

you're alone in your apartment and you're like, I talked to myself all day on my podcast about X, Y, and Z and why whatever. And then I feel better after it's like talking to a therapist. It's like it was a release. You feel better, but then it that's great and all, but like until you go out in the world and interact with people, especially the ones that might've fucked you up in the past and, and, and get triggered again, cause it's going to happen. It's good to get trigger. That's, that's what happens. Um, it's impossible not to, I mean, unless you're a monk, okay. And the fucking, uh, God bless Nepal, Jesus Christ. I didn't, we could also talk about Nepal. Um, yeah, you're going to get triggered and things are going to set you off and that's when you can

apply your, um, apply what you've learned in your own personal healing. You get the idea. So you need to expose your therapy. It starts in relationships, the trauma does, and it ends in relationships and it's, you have, you can't isolate. So my whole thing is like, you can't isolate. And I was isolating for so long in my twenties. I was alone. I was, I always lived alone. I always had my own place. I was always isolated. And obviously that creates an environment where, yeah, bitch, you're going to get depressed, especially when the world shut down. Um, and then it's not until I, my life became more social and enriched with people in relationships that does this make any you guys I don't do I'm rusty I don't we used to only do this like you tune in

you do it you would tune into an episode and this would be the episode it'd be deep like this for like three hours okay we're not not gonna do that to you today but you get the idea um yeah so basically and then like things I've learned I wrote some stuff down um this is like the part two. So healing, I, so healed internally podcast helped me do that. Healed my mind actually liked actually. So I needed to do this in order to get to this next part. I actually learned, I liked myself for the first time. I actually like liked myself. Um, I was my biggest fan, my biggest cheerleader. And I was proud to say that, Like I always hype myself up, hype myself up on the podcast in the early days. I was talking a

big game. I was really cocky and like overly confident. And I just, I didn't get, cause that's what I needed to do. I needed to talk highly of myself and I needed to say it out loud for it to become real in my head. And now I that's, I feel like you can't penetrate me. You can't, nothing can, I'm so assured of myself and so, or sure of myself. And so like, I'm like a pillar in Rome like you can't fucking knock me over like I'm just like a and that's something I always admired in other people and I was like wow like they're so um and and sometimes that can be a facade right like that can be a front for me that the reps of just talking every day and the podcast whatever we know that and then just honestly that is what made it real and not this

facade. Cause I could fake confidence up until that point. I could fake confidence. I could pretend I could mask. I could do all of that like a pro. Um, but it never felt, I knew deep down that it, that I was insecure and I, and I didn't like myself. Right. And so it actually became real. And that was the best feeling ever. And then because of that, now we can get to the part two. So internal healing and then did exposure therapy in my relationships with people and actually healed. Right. We did the full kit and caboodle there. And then, uh, part two of this is I learned to say no. And I learned how to ask, ask for, okay. So I learned to say no and ask for exactly what I want with no shame and be okay with what I want. Um,

and yeah, learning to say no was, was a big one for me. Um, because my breathing, hold on. Nothing like plain water, you know, when you want a nice, uh, second round of what is this iced espresso I get a quad espresso on ice and a grande cup half decaf with pumpkin spice cold foam uh nothing yeah nothing tastes worse than plain water when you you want a second coffee when you're trying to get through a monologue about your your health and wellness mental health journey okay no but like learning to say no these are all the cliches right like okay and now I'm like fuck I'm just doing cliches this whole podcast fuck we haven't even gotten to the life updates. Um, okay. So yeah, I learned to say no, and that was a big one. And, and cause I was like,

okay, yeah, people pleaser to a T people pleaser to a T yes person. Um, and then I realized like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You don't get a reward for suffering in this life. You don't, you don't get, um, there's like this weird suffering Olympics that exists out there, especially with women. And like, you don't have to subscribe to that. You don't have, that doesn't, you don't get, there's no reward for that. It's this invisible Olympics that exists, especially like as I've gotten older and now I'm married, I have a kid on the way and I'm around a lot of other women who are also in this chapter of life or beyond this chapter, way beyond this chapter. I'm like, you don't, you don't get a prize like for suffering.

and I really that was something I a huge lesson I learned um yes you can sacrifice yes okay sacrifice is inevitable you're gonna have to sacrifice you can't actually have it all right we know this we've covered this man woman doesn't matter child when you're when you're in the workplace like people there's given there's a given taken life like at some points you're going to have to sacrifice more than other parts of your life. Like, so yeah, sacrifice is a, is inevitable. Damn it, Corey. Not the time, bud. Shit. Sorry. But suffer. No, like you don't have to suffer. There's a difference between those two. And I think that what I realized is that suffering felt like self-abuse like like like after so post-depression like after I got on

Prozac and after I like worked with the psychologist and therapist and I was like oh my god like sitting in my apartment all day and just thinking about myself and spiraling into this dark stair spiral dark what does Corey call it he's like don't go down the spiral staircase like it's funny because like if I start there's like a look on my face where I'm spiraling in the the dark down the dark spiral staircase um it's still like I'm not perfect like some days I have like you know I'll do a little spiral anyways um you realize how it's like it's like not loving to do that to yourself it's like it's like abusive to to sit it's like the opposite of self-love. It's like, it's like a demon you're possessed by internally. That's like, it wants

to like pull you down. And if you let that demon pull you down, you're not, that's not love. Like you're denying yourself of, of, of, of love. And, and, um, yeah. So does that make sense? So yeah, I don't, I found that I don't get my worth from how much I can endure. it's almost like I feel I do kind of feel like I personally like I have I get a a badge or a prize for how much I can say no because it's hard to say no you know what I mean it's hard it's hard to be comfortable saying no um especially if you're someone like me who used to never be able to do that. Um, and yeah, if you get your worth from how much you can endure and how much like shit you can take on and how much you can deny yourself of what you really

want or, or, and yeah, how much you can put yourself in the back seat. If that's how you your worth that's like self-abuse um because again no one's looking at you and going like oh they're they pity you it's like you're a martyr like like you're not um people don't feel bad for you even or they they feel bad for you that you does this make like you're you know it's bad when I keep asking you guys if I if if it makes sense like I need to form my thoughts clearly first. Um, yeah. So basically I've gotten good at asking for help, um, being okay with needing help and knowing what I can and can't do on my own. Um, and being completely comfortable and confident in that. And there's no shame in that. There's no,

like, I don't feel bad about myself because of that. I feel good about myself because of that, because um that's human that's real it's it's honest I think I think it's not it's not honest if you're suffering and you're enduring and you're struggling and you're in pain and you're stressed out everything's like a a fucking like thing and a fight and a, and a struggle, um, you know, I think, yeah, should we do my birth chart? Should we do my birth chart? Um, you get the idea. so yeah six years ago that's what I learned in six years those are just a couple tidbits um some cliches for you some self-improvement self-help cliches um

trying to think if I have any other last minute thoughts um basically this is what I'm going to say if you don't know what you want And if you're not clear on it, you're more susceptible to suffering and enduring a load that you probably wouldn't allow yourself to endure if you went after what you want and didn't accept anything less than that. because I think when you are blowing in the wind in life and you're not clear on your, your true desires, I'm talking about what your soul wants. Okay. This isn't just like, I want a new bag or I want a new car. Like, no, no, no. Like what your soul wants. Um, yeah, you're more easily pulled into things and, and, and swayed and, but and but if you know what you want you can say no right you can say no because it doesn't

align with what you want it doesn't align with and there's nothing wrong with wanting things and saying no because you and say no to things that don't align with what you want and they won't bring you closer to that period okay this is like I'm we're rusty on this in the self-help department introspect like we're doing a lot of the the stuff we used to do when we're rusty because we don't usually do it um or we haven't done in a long time oh my god not chewing ice sorry so this is my birth chart this will make a lot of sense I guess

for you guys it's time we do this I don't know I love this do I love astrology I think it's fascinating I think there's some I think there's a lot of like I believe in this shit like I do you know I'm coming out six years after six years of podcasting saying I believe in this shit I I believe in the sun and the moon and the stars, okay? And call me Mother Nature. Call me Mother Nature. I am a mother-to-be, and I've never felt more connected to nature in my life.

I find myself, yeah, breaking my neck every evening when it's a clear night, just staring into the stars and looking at the moon, okay? I have a mockingbird I've been monitoring in my, in my backyard that that's nesting where we've been nesting together. This mockingbird and I, since the spring, she's constantly got, she constantly has a branch, a broken little twig or branch in her, in her beak. And, um, she's, she's nesting and she's been doing this for a while and she's been around, yeah, since the early spring. And I would have never have

noticed this mockingbird hadn't I been pregnant. Okay. Um, there's something going on where I am so connected to nature and the stars and the moon and the sun. And, um, it's so it's to the point it's to the point we're getting, we're going to get, get a little graphic here and a little disgusting. Okay. We're going to get a little, I don't know if this is graphic. It's not really graphic it's it's like hey like you're this is a little you've gone a little too far um with being connected to nature you guys we have an ant infest ant these mini ants they're like the tiniest little miniest ants we have a little infest infestation okay we live in a canyon I don't know if it's because we're in a canyon but they didn't come here last year but it wasn't

as humid in Southern California as it is this year, as it is this year. And the answer out and they're, they're out and about they're, they're, they're marching in a line and they're in our bathroom. They're in our master bathroom and they love my retainer. And I've had to disinfect my retainer so many times because I refuse to kill the ants. The whole thing is the whole disgusting thing is, is I cannot kill the ants. Okay. Or the spiders will do like, I'm going to talk about this national geographic situation I have going on in my master bathroom. And like, this is going to lead into the astrology chart. It's to the point where if I see there's usually a few ants in my sink at the bottom of the sink. And honestly, I think former me would have just

blasted the water on when I brushed my teeth and drowned them out. You know, I would have, I would have Nepal their ass fuck me no delete the episode okay something I learned very early on in podcasting and we are going to keep reflecting because it is my six-year anniversary and I'm pregnant and we're just like we're mentally insane we're we're we're, uh, now we're not, we're not going to, we're not going to make a, a, a Lindsay Clancy joke right now along with that. Are we Jacqueline? No, we're not. Um, so let me have this.

I realized very quickly with myself and podcasting that what makes something funny. So most people barely get up to the line. There's like the line of, of, uh, you're crossing the line and you can't say that most people don't even get close to that line. Okay. But what I have learned with myself is that I'm willing, it's like, put me in coach. I'll do it publicly and I'll, I'll post it. Okay. Um, I'll let my future employers eat their hearts out with, with, with this and whatever I the funny is over the line it's like you have to cross the line like that is what I find when people go over that line that's and say the most fucked up thing that's when I think it's fun that's when I'm like actually laughing at it people back here doing

dad jokes okay I was like a lot of all a lot of my ex-boyfriends were yeah they're hot but their humor was very like dad jokey. Like it's not actually funny. Okay. They're back here. I'm over here. Okay. This is a different, we're, this is a different level. Okay. And so I Nepaled back to the Nepaling drowning out the ants in the bottom of my sink. That was over here, right? I was over the line. That's a, that's a little too soon, but when it's too soon, when there's death And you say the fucked up thing too soon That makes people uncomfortable, but it's also that's where it's also funny. Okay, so you get the idea So I learned this quickly in podcasting because I I found myself

having Every podcast is we're unfiltered and we say what's on our mind. Okay. No, no A lot of these bitches could never okay, I mean i'm not sitting here saying Never mind so, yeah, I typically would have drowned out these ants turned on like I would have woken up in the morning when I wasn't pregnant and I would have just brushed my teeth and oh if there's a couple ants down there oopsie they're going down the drain now it's so bad my connection to nature is so

heavenly and beautiful and crazy that I literally, I will, I will, I won't turn the sink on. I won't even try to relocate the ants with like my finger, like, Hey, little guy, like crawl up my finger, come on my hand. I'll put you on a safe location away from the water. No, I go over to Corey's sink and hopefully fingers crossed, there's no ants in his sink. And then that's where I'll brush my teeth. Now, if there's ants in his sink, we're going to the kitchen. Okay. It's that bad. I cannot kill these ants. I can't put up, I used to put up these traps, these little plastic traps with poison inside of them. I can't, I haven't even, I haven't even looked at a death trap for these ants. I

haven't even considered it. I can't kill them. I can't even vacuum. There's a, there's a string of ants in my laundry room. There's like a laundry rug in front of the lawn, the, the, the machines, there's a rug they're following the line of the rug okay the perimeter of the rug now i vacuum every day like sometimes twice a day i have two dogs it's a whole it's a whole thing and um i can't vacuum my laundry room right now because i don't want to kill these fucking ants so i can't kill the ants and then the spiders okay cory is deathly afraid of spiders i'm not i am i used to be more skittish of them now I know where every spider is in my house right now I I love them I take care of them I don't kill them um there is a monthly murder on the on the there's a monthly

murder that happens that I unfortunately cannot put a stop to because I know that would be too much to ask my cleaning ladies, but you know, the once a month, the spiders go bye-bye and it's because we have the cleaning or cleaning team come through. And it's, it is a team. We graduated a three, three women that clean our house instead of one, because it just, it's, it's so much more efficient and like better. And seriously, like having multiple people clean your house versus one is like, that's like the, the, um, what am I saying? The cheat code, you guys, I'm brain dead drinking tap water. I'm fucking brain dead. But yeah, they kill the spiders and it's really sad and they'll kill, kill all the ants. I'm not the one doing it and I don't see it happen. So I'm

like, cause like if Corey kills any of the ants in front of me, I literally like he'll step on them outside by the cars. Like I just, I literally start, I cried everything. Right. I can't handle it. But anyways, their national geographic situation in my bathroom is the ants, you know, they love my retainer. I mean, I'm so crazy that my fucking retainers on my desk right now because the ants aren't in my office. I bring my retainer to my desk because if I don't, the ants will crawl all over it. And then I can't wear my retainer for however long it takes them to crawl off of it and leave the bathroom, which it's usually like a three-day thing. Or if Corey, Corey's like, I cleaned your retainer, the ants were all over it. Or if Corey

goes in and kills them. Okay. But there's, um, back to the national geographic, there's a big spider, um, kind of where I hang my towels behind my sink. And there's a big house spider, like a daddy long legs type spider, um, and, and a baby spider. And they've built a little nest, built a little nest in the corner by the shower. Okay. And the ants crawl all around in a line around the shower. And then they like crawl. And you might be like, this is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. I don't want, I don't give a fuck tune out of my podcast. Okay. This is for people that love animals and are connected to nature. This is like, you guys, I've been vegan before. Not for ethical purposes. It was for, truly it was for aesthetic reasons, aesthetic

purposes. Cause I wanted to have abs, abs like freely the banana girl. Okay. It was a very vain reason I was vegan. I, you do kind of get sucked into like the ethical side of veganism and like, oh, like save the animals. Okay. But like really I was doing it for like, I wanted to, I was, it was an eating disorder. Okay. Um, but like literally I don't want to think about, yeah, this is like, I could go vegan. Like I'm very, that that's how connected I feel to animals and nature. But anyways, this spider does the killing for me. Okay. Cause, cause what it's doing is it's, you know, a few times a day I'll find an ant spindle spindled up in, in the web. and I'm like ah but it wasn't me I didn't kill it it makes me sad but I can't kill a spider right

like I can't kill the spider and then I can't kill the ants and if if that happens and I'm not watching it happen I'm fine with it but this this daddy long legs in the corner it's been there for like three weeks and Corey's been instructed to not if he if if he killed I told him he could he's not allowed to kill the spider um and he he's been very respectful um he's been very respectful but yeah, that's what's going on. Okay. And when we've got hurricane Maria or we've got tropical storm Marie coming through this weekend. Um, so hopefully the rain will help the ant situation die down. But, um, for now we're just living in unison. We're living among the ants and it's, it's crazy. I'm so connected. I'm so connected to nature. Let's do my astrology

chart. What time did I start recording? I really wanted to knock this out in an hour. I say that every time. Okay. Sun and cancer, moon and cancer, rising Leo, Mercury and Gemini, Venus and Leo, Mars and Gemini, Jupiter and Scorpio, Saturn and Pisces, Uranus and Capricorn, Neptune and Capricorn, Pluto and Scorpio. who did I just lose? Okay. But like, let's break it down because like, I want to break it down. Um, so chat to BT. So your 30 second summary could literally be, this is like the, the, um, yeah, if I, if I could summarize it all, um, off the dome, but I'm not, I'm going to read this verbatim. I'm a cancer sun and cancer moon. So underneath everything,

I'm extremely emotional, loyal, domestic, and attached to my people. But I'm a Leo rising with Venus and Leo. So externally, I'm louder, more dramatic, more expressive, and I like attention. now we know why I have a fucking podcast and why I'm so dramatic and loud and obnoxious and angry for for entertainment purposes remember that it's always for entertainment purposes I'm not actually like that then Mercury and Mars are both in Gemini which basically means my brain never shuts the fuck up and I process everything by talking, arguing, making jokes, and finding contradictions. And then Jupiter and Pluto and Scorpio explain why I'm obsessed with psychology, sex, crime, taboo things, and figuring out what people are really doing underneath the surface.

so basically I'm an emotionally sensitive homebody disguised as a loud mouth with a microphone who wants to psychologically dissect everybody you know and that's why I believe in astrology and that is why I'm coming to the internet today I'm coming out of the closet as someone who was on the fence a little skeptical like I don't know if I believe in this guys in times like these I said this last year, last year, I was all about believing in God. I was like, Hey, the planes are crashing. Like it's time we find God and go back to Christ. Okay. And I was all about Christ last year. And now because I'm connected to nature, I'm pregnant. I'm connected to nature. Not that I don't believe in God. Cause it's something, there is something there, but it's more of like

a spiritual thing I'm going through. And that is why I'm coming to the internet today as someone who believes in astrology, 100%. Like I'm not even one of those people and say, ah, some of it's valid. No, what I just read you, I need to chomp beef stick. Like I'm not, I'm going to pass out. I do have a snack on deck because blood sugar's dipping. I am coming into the internet as someone

who 100% believes in astrology. And I mean, yeah. Okay. So if you miss a phony, I'm so sorry. Like I really am, but I'm pregnant and I need to eat. Okay. So this one tastes a little too beefy. The chomps sea salt beef stick. It's like a little too me telling you two seconds ago, I might go vegan. and I'm just chowing down on some beef is this even pregnancy safe like I don't know I feel like cured meats or beef I don't know I had a I had a I had a Jersey Mike's turkey sub the other day everyone left your house party we catered it with Jersey Mike's subs and I didn't eat during during the the house party because

the last thing I wanted people to see was the fat bitch, the fat pregnant, but the pregnant lady chowing down. So everyone left the party and that's when I started. And that's when I actually sat down and ate for the day. Um, and, uh, I'm eating this turkey sandwich and I'm, I'm thinking in my head, like, is this child abuse? Like, could someone call CPS on my, on my ass for, for eating this? Cause the way they talk about deli meat when you're pregnant, it's like, I mean, there's like, what is it? Listeria you could get, but then the lettuce has listeria or that's more risky. I don't know. And then you, then you see women that are on their fifth kid and they're like, I eat sushi. I eat raw tuna and, and Turkey sandwiches and deli meat and

every other day. And, you know, my kids, they're, they're just a little autistic. So I didn't fully fuck them up for meeting this way, but you know, what do you, what are you going to do? You know, nine months is a long time to sacrifice on deli meat. And sushi my god i'm not i'm not okay we did the snack now we're gonna do life updates i'm trying not to eat in front of the microphone sorry okay remember no reward for suffering no one was going to give me a prize for

being hungry during the rest of my show so I did what I wanted because I know what I want which was food and I ate it okay there's the lesson of the podcast oh also like I want to make you feel like you can have anything you want is that what I said yeah because yeah I yeah okay so football season is back um do we need to do something more upbeat god this is such a draft type episode in my brain i'm like football season is back you know yay like honestly yay go seahawks

super bowl champs let's see if we can do it again um we've been watching the hard knocks series on what is it hbo they're they're doing a behind the scenes documentary style thing on the seattle seahawks we've been watching that um it's very corny i don't like how they call them the hawks and they do a lot of there's a lot of b-roll of slow motion hawks flying over seattle washington i don't know it's like very like the way they narrate it and shit is corny um as a seahawks fan i just think like referring to the seahawks as the hawks is it's like an i don't know there's something about the Hawks that like it's cornball to me um and and and and McDonald is a little bit of a a cornball what's Mike McDonald he's a little bit of a he's like

a nice guy um he's like clean cut if that makes sense he's not he's not very like he's a great coach obviously they won the Super Bowl it all worked out but like there's something about him that's a little, yeah, a little cheese ball. I don't know how to explain it. He's a great, he's a great coach. He's a great guy. He's like very, he's a family man. I don't know. Um, so we will, we've been watching that first games next one, next Wednesday, um, Seahawks Patriots. Um, I didn't know this, but during the, during one of the episodes, they were showing how I'm too pregnant to be podcasting. I should be on maternity leave.

I should be on maternity leave. Honestly, this is pushing my body probably farther than I should. Anyways, I didn't know that they tarnish the footballs like that. In the NFL, so I've been watching football my whole life. And this whole time, I'm like, I'm not thinking about... I can do this the football isn't the football that comes out of the box in football the football is like a ballerina shoe that they cut up and and mess up and re-texturize with this black stuff it's like a coating

that they massage into the the leather of the football and then the quarterbacks come through and they're like yeah this one's a little bit too slippery or the this one's just right and i was looking at the before and after of the football and it's like it looks all bruised up and i've never in my life known this is a thing until this hard knocks seahawks episode i was watching but yeah the football is manipulated um to to improve the the grip and I I was just like wow I would have never thought I just thought it was hey here's the what is it Rydell football I don't know what is it Rydell like what what's the Wilson who makes the foot who makes the footballs I just thought oh they're getting fresh new

football like when they have all the footballs on the sideline the new footballs they just like it's just the it's out of the box you know it's a fresh football out of the box no they like there's a whole department where there there's a workshop and they're they're doing things to the football so that was something I learned I don't know if anyone else knew that I didn't know that so that was fascinating um oh like life updates okay so we're in this segment now, whatever. I'm going to a Padres game tonight. I think they're playing the Yankees. Um, it's going to be thing is, is I know, I know ideally this would turn into like a, we're out until 2am thing, but I know like, I, I'm not going to be able to do that with this,

this crew of people we're going with. So, um, I'm gonna have to call it short, but, um, Guys, I miss turning up. I miss turning up at the ball game. Um, our friends have a box. It's always a good time. There's like free food and shit. And, um, you know, one year I drank like six cut waters. I really probably not that many. I probably had three and that was a rough next day, but, um, had a great time. Um, those cut water margaritas I've, I've sworn I'm not allowed to have hard alcohol. We talked about this in a few episodes back. Like I'm just not a hard alcohol girl. Um, only if I'm in a setting where it's not like we're going to go to the Padres game, they go, go to the bars after, and then go to someone's house after. And we're out until like

two, three, four, like, no, it's not, that is not a mark. That is a, Hey, we're drinking Modelo's. Okay. We're having a light beer or a few, a few of those over the course of the evening. um we go to the bar we're having more beer it's like a beer night okay um but if I'm I've I've given you guys the the example I've explained that if I'm in a if I'm in a Mexican restaurant and it's like a Thursday and we're getting tacos and whatever I want a margarita I'm having a margarita because I know that I'm going to bed right after and it's just like we're stopping at the Mexican restaurant but if it's if it strings out to multiple locations I cannot start with the cut water margaritas I can't start with the hard alcohol the mixy the mixed the mixed

stuff um because it just ends really bad for me because and the hangover is so bad so it's like why even do that oh man when I see people drink I think martinis are they're like people love martinis i don't know i'm like how the fuck do you do that actually like like just people if you drink vodka if you drink vodka i hate i don't think i i don't remember the last time i had vodka i don't want to think about it i hate i hate it okay anyways um so we're going to a padres game tonight go padres i guess um they're playing this they're playing the Yankees um I didn't I mean we haven't podcasted since this all happened but we went home to Washington to my hometown for a baby shower so that happened

life update we had a baby shower it was really beautiful at my mom's house and okay and then we hosted like a week or so after we had people here we had a little summer get together um with people and that that's when we ordered the jersey mics and I didn't eat the whole time because honestly I was the bell of the ball everyone's asking me questions about pregnancy so I'm talking whenever I'm the thing is is whenever I'm at dinner especially and I'm talking to people and I'm the one carrying the conversation I'm not eating so I look down at my plate I have this beautiful dinner and I've I've taken two bites so same thing goes for like when I'm hosting like having hosting I'm having a party here like I'm talking I'm not eating I'm not picking at stuff

Um, but anyways, uh, yeah. Oh, I've been golfing still, which is a really funny thing to, yeah, that's a really funny, um, feeling golfing right now. I'm still doing it. Um, I've become like extremely, uh, like what's the word I have to stare and think and shut my eyes. excuse me. I need to think of the next word. I don't have the out of breath thing yet. Like I'm not, I don't know if that will, I hope that doesn't happen. Cause that sucks. But like some people at this stage are like always out of breath. I'm not, I'm not there yet, but I'm, I lose my train of thought. I'm like obsessed with figuring out my golf swing right now, my downswing. And I'm nerding out to so many, like, what do you call it? Weight.

weight distribution drills. What is that called? Weight shift drills. Weight shifting for getting to your left side. Like what is that called? Anyways, I'm like really, but I'm like, like right now I'm like so pregnant and like, I'm not really golfing like that, but I'm going to the range here and there. And it's like a hot mess and um i'm trying so i'm still like golf minded but it's like kind of it's taken a little bit of a pause um anyways let's like oh what other life updates you guys what else can i say i'm in nesting mode all i care about is like getting everything ready and perfect and organized and set up and furniture and like binkies i don't know like just all this stuff

like, that's like what I've been up to. Honestly, that's my life update. Like what have I been doing? Nesting like all day long, every day. Um, I don't have the urge. Like people are like, you're gonna have an urge to clean your baseboards and I don't have that urge. It hasn't happened yet. Um, I don't know how people are getting that low to the ground, um, comfortably to do that. I'd prefer not to, so I'm not going to clean my baseboards. It doesn't bother me, but, um, I have been decluttering. That is kind of my, my kink or what my, um, passion is, is decluttering, like making more room for the baby and getting things out of the house that are unnecessary. I did have a day. So I will say I did, I did have a day where I cleaned out the entire garage and

reorganized everything. I put my, I put my, my eyes and my hands on every object in the garage and I re redid it um yeah then we got a new garage fridge so I'm obsessed with like oh it's so full of wine oh my god we have so much white wine for the party in the garage um I do like wine okay I can't wait to drink I cannot wait to drink again I can't I'm having champagne I'm I'm giving okay first of all what's my birth plan epidural in the fucking, you guys ask me what my birth plan is. Hey, Jacqueline, what's my birth plan? Okay. It goes like this epidural in the parking lot, epidural in the parking lot. I pull up, they're inserting the epidural.

I'm high on fentanyl. What other pain meds can they give me in the, in the parking lot? So that's done. I'm not in pain. I'm not even i'm there. I'm in a wheelchair somehow and they wheel me up and then I'm having some liquor Like once he's once i'm 10 centimeters Once i'm 10 centimeters i'd like some champagne Because that to me is the finish line, right? Like he's not fully out yet. I'm doing the gender reveal shit If you made it this far i'm doing the gender reveal as i'm telling the story

yeah 10 centimeters is the is the point where I'll have a nice glass of champagne and I'll be sitting back numb just you know I don't give a fuck if I tear at that point I'm just like actually I'll have the mirror down there um so glass of champagne I'm drugged up I'm numb Um, I'm at 10 and then I just, yeah, I give birth and I'm a little drunk and I'm a little, I'm a little drunk. I'm numb and I'm drunk and I'm happy. I want to feel the warm and fun. Oh, and the oxytocin is going to be flowing. Um, not the synthetic. I'm anti-pitocin. I'm not a big pitocin bitch after, after delivery. Yeah, you can give me all the Pitocin so I don't have hemorrhage. Okay. Whatever. You can contract my

uterus with the Pitocin post delivery. But before that, I'd like to avoid Pitocin. I'm just not a fan of, I just don't want to have that. I don't want that to be my journey. The only journey I want to go on is the epidural in the parking lot and the journey I want to, and I'm going to ride into the hospital, get me up to the top floor with a nice view. I have no legs, barely able to feel anything from the waist down. And I'm just, I'm just being doted on because I'm, I'm paralyzed. I'm, we're not going to make a Lindsay Clancy reference, Jacqueline. We're not, we're not going to do that right now. Am I congested? I feel like I'm congested. We're paralyzed from the waist down and we're, we're numb, but we're also high. They're giving me like a little

something else to make me feel high so it's not just um it's not just the epidural like I want to feel like if you've ever had morphine shoved through an IV before or yeah like fentanyl I don't know what is it that they give you when you're in pain and they you literally feel like immediately on vacation you're like oh my god I feel it's like you're drunk but you're not and it's so great but then when I'm 10 centimeters I'm like at that point we're having a we're having some champagne, some, some Dom or, you know, we're having a, who's delivering the Dom. No, Corey's a, where's Corey? Corey's with a nurse holding my leg or something. I don't know. He's not looking, but he's there.

And then, um, we have a, we have a door dash delivery driver with a Dom Perry, The fucking door door dash delivery. I'm at 10 centimeters. He's coming in with the, the champagne and I'm making him pour it. Okay. Cause he got those plastic fucking champagne flutes from, from Vons to go with the champagne.

Cause you can order champagne on door dash and he's, he's Demetrius is pouring champagne. he's like, I won't look. I won't look. I'm like, I know you can look like whatever. Hey, like you'll probably, maybe you'll never see this again in your life. And I'm like, it's okay. Like we're all family here. Like you guys, you gotta have fun with it. Again, you don't get a prize for suffering. These bitches who want to go in there. I'm sorry. I love, okay. My mother did it three times with like no pain meds. I mean like a goddamn gladiator. Okay. It is sure admirable commendable, incredible, amazing. If you've got the gusto and the will and the, and the, the,

the, you've got the, the chops or the balls to feel the pain. I mean, I'm, you know, I respect that. Okay. But you don't get a prize. Okay. Let's have some, because here's the thing you're bleeding. You're not bleeding out. You're not hemorrhaging, but like you're just, you're maybe you tore, maybe you didn't, but like you're freshly post, you just gave birth. You're skin to skin. You just experienced the craziest adrenaline rush and like pain of your life. And you're, you're still in pain. It's like, it feels like the sort of what's the Arthur sword and arthur the sword and the stone that sword just it feels like a sword just did something down there violently and yet you're trying to bond with your baby and you're like in pain i feel like

it's like you can't actually like relax and enjoy because it's like you're in pain i don't know i don't know i've never done it before but maybe you don't care maybe the pain goes away the second you see your baby so you're like ah like i'm in i'm in this bubble there's like golden hour blissful like skin to skin bubble. And you're like, I don't care. Um, we're rambling and I'm completely off the topic. What, what's the, what is the topic we're on right now? Oh, nesting mode. Here we go. My birth plan. Drugs and alcohol being high. The thing is, is here's what's, here's what's fucked for me. Okay. Let's be, let's be vulnerable. Do I need a powder? Hold on. Let me see.

um oh shit oh no looks like I just did a line under my nose okay which by the way I don't partake in I fucking hate that shit I find it annoying when people do it I'm judgmental people that do it I'm kind of judgmental of weed too low-key weed and coke I'm judgmental I am I'm judging you and I'm like like especially if you're loud and proud about it and like not low-key about it it's like you got to keep that shit in the closet a little bit you know like you got to do that like like an addict like who hides things from people I don't want to know

that you do it you know what I mean certain things you need to like conceal because if I know about I don't know if you tell me too much about your your weed and your your coke life I'm like please don't this is what's bullshit for me okay and this episode is way too long it feels like a draft but we're getting back into the swing of things and we're just doing it so I okay I the food part of pregnancy sucked has sucked for me because I don't have cravings and I don't enjoy food and it's I'm doing it out of like like what happened earlier with the beef stick like I'm doing it because oh my god my blood blood sugar is dipping I need to eat now

so it's very utilitarian and it's it's not because I'm craving food and I food tastes so good and oh my god I love food and I can't stop thinking about chick the chick-fil-a drive-thru and the the chick-fil-a sauce or whatever like that's never happened once in my pregnancy so not only am I stone cold sober? I'm like the only, so it's like food and sex, food, sex, and oh, so sex, food and drugs. Right. Wait, what are like the vice on gambling? Okay. That's not me. Oh, that was my dad's thing. And like, just same with alcohol, but like, that's definitely my thing too. Not as probably bad, but like, you know, uh, enjoy a cocktail, whatever. So, uh, so it's like, what's left, you know, you're sober and, and you're, and this is, I'm being so

dramatic. Okay. Let's remember my birth chart. Remember what we said about, or what we learned about my, my, how I dramatize everything. It's really not that bad. I am at the point though, where I'm just like, you know, I'm fucking over. So it's like, when you're in that mode, you're like I could go for this or that. I need to, I want to feel something again. I need a stimulant. You guys, I need, I've always kind of had, whether it's been exercise, whether, whether it's been food, whether it's been nicotine, whether it's been, uh, never got into weed. Alcohol has been kind of a, not a full on thing, but like, you know, I've had not struggles with it. I wouldn't, I would never, I've definitely had bad episodes with alcohol. We've talked about that a lot on

here where I've like, I mean, I made an ass out of myself and I'm embarrassed by it, but not like I can't get off the bottle or whatever. Like I'm not like in that I've never been that deep into it. Um, but I enjoy a drink. Like I like drinking, whatever. Um, so what other like things have I, whether they're addictions or like vices. Um, anyways, so now it's like you remove the alcohol and drugs and then foods, like whatever. And then it's like, what do you have left sex? And then it's like, that's not the same. So it's like, I'm just like, I'm watching these fat people eat on Tik TOK. This is, I keep saying fat a lot for inspiration. I'm like, it's like what I eat is eat in a day as

a baddie and she's 400 pounds and she's starting off her day with 14 donuts dipped in ice cold she always like dips her donuts in ice cold like two percent milk and I'm looking for inspiration for food because I want to feel something I want to crave something I want to put something in my mouth and be like oh my god that was so good you know and that's not happening so I'm just kind of left here with my plain tap water um you know this pumpkin spice what do you call it this pumpkin spice cold foam. You know, that first sip is, is it's very brief, but it does make me feel a little something. It feels like, you know, falls here. Baby's almost here. Cause it's, he's, he's going to be a fall baby, you know? So I'm feeling, yeah, but it's been rough. Okay.

anyways um speaking of let's just do some palate cleansers we need to move on post this shit on fox news yeah i'm gen z and yeah i don't want to work i'm fat gay and lazy and i don't want to go to work fuck you okay wait this is one of those people that that what i eat in a day is one here we go what i ate today as a baddie pumpkin cheesecake bread i'm ready for fall um for breakfast slash lunch i got a mediterranean frittata has veggies oh it's kind of stinky so i don't know i'm grossed out um i'm fat phobic it's because i'm fat phobic um oh yeah yeah i mean it is spooky season here we go i i got bored so i called the the funeral wait this is actually so funny let's listen to this

there's something i call a funeral home hey how you doing my name is stacy adams okay um i'm calling to see what is y'all biggest casket like what's the biggest casket size i personally do not have that information but i can have a director to give you a call back and um provide you with that okay why is because so my husband was cheating on me and he was with these three bitches in my motherfucking house!

And I'm finna get him and them bitches in that same casket since he won't be with these hoes. You know these bitches that had an orange in my house? I'm sorry to hear that. These bitches that had an orange in my

house! Somebody gonna have to come get this bitch and them bitches with it from the corner because I'm going to jail tonight, girl. I'm going to jail. Oh, no, it's not worth it. It's not worth it. It's not worth it. This can't be real.

Girl, that's so hurt. Yes, ma'am, I understand. But I promise it's not worth doing your whole life for me. You right, girl. So should I just join in with him? No, ma'am. All right, girl. your head up all right girl and remember who you are you're right i'm a badass bitch

that's right that's right all right thank you you're gonna be okay thank you girl thank you yes ma'am have a you too you have a good evening you too oh my god i saw this other thing that was like tell chat gbt you got swallowed by a whale and then see what it does. I don't know. This girl made a video. I don't know. We could do some stupid shit like that. Um, Oh my God. It's so hot. I'm so hot. I need to call Corey back. I need to, um, what other palate cleansers do I have? Oh, what's the pettiest reason you lost interest in someone? I was going to read these cause it's actually good. Um, uh, we'll read this, but yeah, what do I need to do okay so we're gonna read this call Corey um and then Lindsay Clancy

thoughts and and whatnot and um a little self-reflection because I do recognize that you know like I said earlier I'm just a regular bitch I'm just a basic I love um what's what is what are i'm looking at the wall we're staring we're blank because we're trying to think of what we're trying to say because we're pregnant and we're brain dead um i acknowledge that with this lindsey clancy case that i'm i'm trying to find the like with all the evidence presented and all these tiktok videos and what people are saying I'm trying to, um, it's hard not to get locked onto a good story, a good, a good theory, a good alternate, because that's what makes a good true crime story.

It's not, it's boring if it's just like they did it, they're guilty, the end, they're in jail. Like it's, that's boring. So I think a lot of us are being swayed by these potential holes in the timeline and, and, or they're not potential. A lot of them are very compelling, right? There's a lot of compelling, but I feel like we're trying to, a lot of us are really getting swept up in the, the, the crazy potential story, the, what could have been of it all. And feels kind of icky. Like the more I get really, it's like you fall in, you fall into it. You're

like so entertained by it, honestly, which is fucked because like, let's reflect on like, what's really going on here. Three kids are dead. Okay. Three babies are dead. So anyways, we'll get into that. Um, what's the pettiest reason you lost interest in someone? These are so good. This is on Reddit. I love Reddit. Okay. Um, this one's, this one is so great. okay one of the pettiest reasons so I'm thinking of myself let's start let's start with myself a petty reason I lost interest in someone um yeah I was dating this guy found him really you know I was really into him thought he was really great whatever but he We were cooking dinner and we were making pasta and the top lid or the lid on the pasta water pot fell off the stovetop and it hit his toe, his big toe on the ground.

he was barefoot in my kitchen and the way he reacted was so bitch it was like oh that hurt me like it was so little bitch it was not like fuck like when a guy stubs his toe the only appropriate reaction is for him to be like fuck like god damn it like fuck that god fuck like that's it not like oh he was like a chick and I was like already hypothe or hypothesizing that he might be um how do I say this it is gourd season we're in spooky season it's fall it's pumpkin season I was already kind of hypothesizing that he might enjoy gourd shaped objects up his ass so I was Corey's calling me I should ask him what the pettiest reason he lost interest in someone is

oh fuck okay anyways hi honey you're on the cast how you doing good we're just doing a segment here called what is the pettiest reason you lost interest in someone and where are you with that um i just told a story about the way a guy reacted when he stubbed his toe oh he didn't say the f word he just he screamed like a little girl yeah oh yeah okay well so you don't have any of that no um what is the pettiest reason you've lost interest in someone um areola size no forehead size it was just a little too big okay good answer yeah okay and that's why i married you because yours is just perfect that was your first compliment

we can't have big foreheads i mean you like what you like you know that's right that's pretty petty yeah well how are the dogs how are you dogs are barely alive uh jimmy puked twice from the heat and he's taking a nap nice other than that we're good we're just living the dream okay good well i'm about to wrap it up i'm like wrap it up love you i'm like an hour out probably but i'm gonna try to get sooner bye everyone okay bye i love you i love you okay bye I love his answer. He's like, did he not say he, do you not say fuck anyways? Um, so, Oh, he was calling. What was I just talking about? Oh, gourds up the ass. Yeah. Okay. So this is someone's answer. So what is the pettiest reason

you lost interest in someone is the question. Here we go. She ate the centers of two Cinnabons that were supposed to be shared among a group of five people because it's the best part. I knew immediately that she was a selfish person who didn't think of anyone else but herself. So they're sitting at a table at breakfast. There's two Cinnabons. There's like a plate of two Cinnabons

and she's there with the knife or the fork And she's going around the center part, making a little circle, a circle cut. She's turning this Cinnabon into a donut-shaped situation with no center. And she's stabbing the center, the juiciest, most gluttonous, best goddamn part of a cinnamon roll. She's just eating it. And she's just like, fuck you guys. but again you don't get a reward for suffering the bitch knows what she wants can't you also think that's endearing at the same time like she knows what she wants

she wants the center and she went out she knows she's like not the thing is is like knowing what you want and not and not accepting anything less and not and saying no like can there's a fine line with that where it can become sociopathic narcissistic like you legitimately don't give a shit about anyone but yourself like and I'm not trying to promote that okay I think there's a nice there's a respectable way to go about living that lifestyle of knowing what you want and going after it and not accept and a piece of shit way of living that lifestyle and like you have to be considerate of other people along the way but not considerate of other people to the point where you put yourself completely dead last every time you

are being considerate of other people and like you know it's the whole put your face mask on for other people's we just watched that Boeing documentary that was crazy um anyways so next reason why what's the pettiest reason you broke up with someone um didn't like the clicking sound or what's the pettiest reason you lost interest in someone didn't like the clicking sound of his dress shoes it sounds like a woman it turned me off that's so good like click click click click like okay and that's the thing about attraction like if you get icks from little stuff like that you're not you don't like them they're not your person like you nothing about them should deter you and gross you out or or I'm okay I'm saying this though

but I am our anniversary is coming up oh my god you guys his birthday is Sunday and I haven't done shit Corey's birthday is Sunday it's fucking Friday and like my mom I was on the phone there I'm like she's like what's going on with you guys and I'm like well his birthday is coming up and then we have our anniversary at the end of the month two-year wedding wedding anniversary she's like oh my god like I completely forgot about that all I'm thinking about is the baby I'm like me too bitch like I'm not thinking about anything but this god damn baby like it's so so there's like a lot of okay I haven't done shit but um anyways I'm saying this as like nothing should turn you off and gross you out or give you the ick whatever but like I'll be honest the other

night you know we're we're putting our mouths on each other on each other and we're kissing whatever and the thing is is Corey has a beard and he has a beard and nothing wrong I love a beard love a beard really into the beard really into facial hair nothing I love it I love I prefer it over clean shaved every time but there is a rogue and like this should not if you're it's like if you're really in love with someone if you're really meant to be together like what like this rogue like it's not even rogue it was just like a little too low on his upper lip like a little tiny patch of hair that just needs a little trim a little low on the lip where it was interfering with my experience making out where I was like sticking my tongue in it like trying to scoot it

up and I'm like like like okay if I didn't love him if I was like if I wasn't if that would have been enough for me to be like I can't I don't enjoy kissing this person I can't be with them like if like if you first if that's something you're picking up on early and it every time you kiss it like like the way they trim their beard was a little off or like they needed to like cut back a little piece or whatever. Um, you're not meant for each other, but I literally like in the moment can be like, Hey, can you go fucking shave that off? No, it wasn't in the moment. I told them like at a later date. Um, and we laughed, like it was fine. But, um, that's like a, like a, that wasn't an ick. It was just like a practical thing where I was like, it just felt funny. Like,

and it's usually not like that and this time it was so I'm not like it just felt like it it was interfering with yeah kissing is everything kissing is everything um yeah okay so the clicking shoes is funny what's the pettiest reason you lost interest in someone she told me I couldn't buy her ice cream because the idea of men paying is too patriarchal I mean, I'm all for feminism, but this just struck me as a little extreme. God, I'm so happy. I'm not like that. Oh my God. I don't even bring my wallet. I'm like, I don't even, huh? Oh, my, I got a new iPhone. I haven't set up Apple pay yet. Oops. I'm being funny, but like,

Like you just, the thing is women listening, this is what you need to know. Take it from me because I'm a professional. Okay. About to celebrate my two-year wedding anniversary. I've sustained a marriage for almost two years. The thing is, is when you go out and meet a guy, again, you have to know what you want, right? You have to know and you have to be clear about it. and you have to put out little feelers. And if you're, if you're not into guys that are cheap asses and you're getting the vibes that he's a cheap ass, it's just not ever going to work out. Okay. It's just never going to work out. I've been in a situation where I was taken on a road trip and then Venmo requested for gas money.

That kind of stuff makes you feel like you're a broke college student all over again, but yet you're like almost 30 like at the time I was almost 30 and it's like that's just never gonna get me off like it's just not and so it like and I stayed and that was a situation where it's like hey I'm blinded by the attraction I stayed in it way too long and blah blah blah but like that kind of shit it's like you have to have and and don't feel bad about it like if if certain things like that rub you the wrong way and piss you off like don't feel bad about it like that's just how attraction works and how it's like little, the little things like that add up in the, add up to big things in the, or it can over time. If you overlook it and overlook it, it will,

you'll crack, you'll crack and you'll go cheat on them with a billionaire. um cool and now we're gonna just like spitball about lindsey clancy this is all off the top of the dome we're not reading articles we're not watching videos of the trial we're not um we're just gonna go off of we're gonna speak from the heart here as someone who's been captured by this case. Um, here's what's, here's what happened. Here's what my experience of the Lindsay Clancy, uh, case and now the trial has been. Okay. So I didn't know anything. I didn't hear about it when it happened in back in, what was it? 2023, 24, 23, right? 2023. So I had no idea about. I zero clue had no prior knowledge up until a few weeks ago when this trial started

and before this, so I'm nesting. This is like not you guys. I have a lot of leisure time right now and downtime and time. Okay. I have a lot of like, I'm at home. I'm just, I'm at home and I'm nesting and it's very slow around here and life is very chill. And so I've nothing but time on my hands to, um, I have so much, so, but to research and nerd out to true crime and, and that's just, what's been capturing me lately. Okay. True crime Before this Lindsay Clancy case, it was the Idaho 4, the Idaho murder case because there's this, it wasn't new evidence, but I started coming across some interesting information that I really didn't consider before when it comes to the timeline of what happened in the Idaho 4 case. So I was like kind of veering in that direction with my true crime, like research and rabbit hole, um, direction going down the rabbit hole.

Okay. Get it. And then all of a sudden I'm like seeing Lindsay Clancy, this Lindsay Clancy that, and I'm like, I keep hearing about it. So I got suckered in. Okay. Like the rest of us, like I just, I got really suckered in. and the thing about it that I initially was so captured by was the fact it was a mother

who strangled her three kids and I was like whoa this is crazy because like when does and then I learned about postpartum psychosis so now I'm researching postpartum psychosis and as a pregnant woman who's about to have a child I was like oh my gosh like what is postpartum psychosis so now I'm learning about that. And then I'm finding videos of women in the psych ward and like the UK that are, you know, that, that had, that went through postpartum psychosis and they're completely out of it and they're saying crazy things. And I'm coming across, yeah, a lot of personal, um, stories of people that have, so, so now I'm like, whoa, postpartum psychosis. Like, Cause that's cause I'm in that phase of life right now where I'm about to be postpartum and I had never heard of this before. And here's this woman who killed her three children. Okay. So then, then, then there's that. Right. And then it's like, okay, the fucking trial and then it's Reddington being a, being a badass. Okay. And just being such a great fucking lawyer and people's takes on the trial.

and their takes on the husband, Patrick, and their takes on, just their takes, right? I'm getting all these takes about it. And over time, I start becoming more and more aware of the timeline and the case and what happened, what happened, the actual evidence of what happened and the lack of evidence, right? And like the lack of investigation,

I'm becoming more and more aware. So all of these like pieces are starting to come together after a while, like as I'm watching these trial videos and as I'm watching these people just regular uneducated, they didn't go to law. Some of them went to law. Okay. So a lot of lawyers have spoken a lot of, there's a lot of people that are in the industry and they industry in the field, in the attorney world that are educated. that I've spoken on it that I listened to, but I also listened to a lot of people like myself who talk out of their ass online for a living. And then they're not even for a living. They just do it for a fucking sport. Okay. It's like, they're just spewing their thoughts on the Lindsay Clancy trial all over TikTok. So I'm getting fed a little bit of everything. And again, I think what I've learned, it's like, why do I want to tell you my, i have multiple the thing is is i have multiple thoughts that contradict each other so i'm not

dogma i'm not dogmatic on like she did it or someone else did it or i'm not and you might be like she confessed like three kids are murdered like whether she was psychotic or not like she can you know stop trying to find a way and do mental gymnastics in your head that she didn't because you don't want to believe that she did like I get it I get it so the thing is I'm not ruling anything out and I see multiple scenarios possible scenarios in my head based on the evidence the thing is that I always go back to the evidence I go back to the trial what was presented what people testified to, like what, like the hard, the hard facts. I try to stay as close

to that as possible because it's easy to create stories in your head. And I think a lot of us want to, cause we don't want to believe a mother could kill her three children and premeditate it and strangle them like that and, and, and do that. But basically what's, there are things that are confusing to me. Okay. That are very, that don't make sense in my head. And I think this is what's happening with a lot of people where, but, but the things that don't make sense, basically they're not just about, I'm not saying this, like I get your, get your Jacqueline wrap it up like get your thoughts out basically what's confusing is this like okay the conspiracy theorist the theorist the people that want to don't want to believe she did it

and want to believe that the husband did it and that he he he framed her and and did this whole setup where you know she had the history of postpartum psychiatric stuff and she's in and out of the doctor she's getting prescribed all these medications things aren't working she's having trouble right like that because of that and because she had these intrusive thoughts of killing her three children that were just intrusive thoughts but yet that's enough for him to go like okay because she said this i think she wrote it down. I'm not quite sure. Not everything in my head is like concrete, um, that he framed her. Right. And, but here's where I'm at with that. I'm like, look, okay. So if, if he framed,

if Patrick framed Lindsay and try to concoct a situation where it looked like she murdered her three children and attempted suicide. Why would he show up at the scene and save her life? Call 911 and react the way he reacted, which was a very human reaction. Like you show up to your home after you ran errands for your family your wife's in the snow she's half dead and you're realizing oh my god where are the kids and then you go and this is all in the 911 call and then you go to the basement and you find your three kids strangled if you premeditated or if if patrick wanted if he's the one who allegedly did this which is what a lot of people want to believe he would just let that he would the whole thing which she she would be dead he wouldn't go and

call 9-1-1 and have the paramedics show up and and revive her and and attempt to revive the and get Callan's was it Callan the baby's heartbeat back like if the goal was to get rid of your three kids and your wife and kill them but frame it so it looks like the wife did it why would you call 9-1-1 and why would you you know find her alive in the snow and and do that you would let her die right you would make sure she was dead and make sure the baby you know like that was so that's a part where I'm like okay if he's such a murderer if he's the one and if he's the one that that did this and plan this and because that's what a lot of the that's the conspiracy right it's that she

was framed and, um, he wanted to start a new life and go off with a mistress and get rid of his family. Like, I don't see the, the, not him going and calling 911 and, and, and basically saving her. Cause if he didn't do that, she'd be dead. Right? Like she, so that's the piece that doesn't make sense to me. Cause if, cause if you're going to, if your goal is to wipe your family and kill them, you're going to, you're going to do that. You're not going to call 911, have the paramedics show up and keep them. You know what I mean? So like, that's a part I just can't, I don't understand when people bring up Patrick did it, Patrick did it. He's guilty. Patrick, like that's, that doesn't make sense to me. Um, that just doesn't. So, you know, you could go, oh, well,

trying to think of what, how that would make sense. Um, because he didn't expect her to be, maybe he did have a, maybe he, okay, let's say hypothetically, allegedly whatever he did it he shows up and then realizes oh shit she didn't really die and he does have a human moment even after attempting to murder her and the kid like he killed the kids but or someone not i'm this is all alleged i'm saying this hypothetical scenario where he was like oh fuck like i'm not actually evil and i shit like i shit she's still alive like I gotta call 911 and it's and he's probably and hypothetically he was thinking well it still looks like she attempted suicide and killed the three kids because he was gone the whole time

so by him showing up and realizing she's still alive and being human and calling 911 and it still doesn't make it look like he was responsible if hypothetically that's what happened so there's that okay so that's the thing that's that's that, that, that portion of, of this, of the conspiracy is what confuses me. Um, so there's that number two. Um, I think people's interpretation of what happened at the hospital. Um, and if you don't know anything about this case, the end, the end of the episode was like five minutes ago like sorry like we're just gonna I don't want to explain every like I don't want to explain every detail at this point like if you're following it this is your segment if

you're not sorry like I'll see you next week um anyways so there's confusion about it seems like especially online whether or not she was in a coma how deeply out of it she was when she was intubated for a week was she able to hear what was going on around her and if she could was she able to could she have potentially constructed a story in her mind based on what she heard the police outside talking about or the nurses and doctors around her in the in the hospital room when she was intubated talking about when it comes to them describing what happened to her like she had come up with I killed my three kids and I tried to kill myself and I heard a male voice and all this there's confusion on that and I think the number one

thing that I think people are getting wrong is Callan's coma score the baby I believe was a level three which is a very low consciousness you're basically a vegetable your brain dead okay which is so sad and I think he was taken off life support after three days okay I think people are thinking she was in a level three coma and she was completely wiped of any memory and ability to recall anything. Um, and the reason I'm saying this is because she had the spinal injury, right? So she was paralyzed. She had the thyroid, broken thyroid. Um, there wasn't a brain injury like a um what obviously the the wounds okay so she was wrists were her cut were cut and her her neck um so she had multiple injuries paralyzed spinal

injury okay so she was technically deeply sedated and intubated her coma score when she was admitted out of a one through 10 was not at the low, low, low level where you're like her, her baby, right? Who was a level three. I think hers was a little much higher. I need to, maybe I should do fact checking as I discuss this. Um, so just, I think that's actually, well, I don't want to completely talk out of my ass when it comes to this true crime stuff. I should get it correct but um if I'm doing my job properly and discussing these topics I should get it correct but so the the coma thing that this is why I'm saying that it's because people theorize that maybe if she wasn't um fully oh there goes my microphone wasn't it it was it was my hands it

wasn't my stomach that did that that she would have been able to hear stuff right and maybe that's why when she woke up she you know alluded to hearing the male voice instructing her to kill the children and herself because of maybe what she heard in the hospital surrounding her over the course of the week when she was intubated okay and because she had ICU delirium right and that was someone someone testified that she had ICU delirium where you're not thinking clearly So, or speaking clearly or coherently. So a lot of things are weird with a hospital when she woke up because the reason I'm also saying this

is because someone testified that she was informed when she woke up what happened. Now I'm unclear and I think a lot of people are unclear about whether she wakes up, she's extubated and they're like, hey, so sorry, Lindsay, your three children are dead. versus and you and you um you know you're you broke your spine you cut your wrists you cut your throat and you jumped out of your window

okay you attempted suicide basically versus lindsey's extubated she wakes up and she's told you killed your three kids you strangled them and you tried to kill yourself like because I think yeah a lot of people are just making stuff up and I'm like what what what was it did she was she directly told like you did this like you killed your three children and she was she goes I heard a male voice like she she put the two and two together and and recalled that that That evening when this happened, because she still had a memory of that evening because she wasn't fully like, by the way, her toxicology report of what was in her system was not at a lethal level. like the the pills in her system that were the crushed pills that were in the lemonade or whatever were not at a level of it wasn't a lethal level and it wasn't at a level where she was like

a vegetable drugged and would have no awareness of anything like someone like some which is what you would do to someone if you're trying to like murder them right and like kill them you'd like get them really fucking like you that's like what Dahmer did okay um you turn them into like a vegetable and like drug them so you're just so out of it I don't think based on the report I don't think her level was there was an elevated one of the drugs was elevated I think it was like double the therapeutic amount everything else was a therapeutic dose so um what I'm saying is that she could have recalled that night. Technically, obviously after the injury and after being sedated and, and out for a week without being able to speak and hooked up to stuff and in the process

of healing, like her ability to recall things might've obviously been blurred. Like that can fuck you up a lot, right? Like a lot of things can be blurred, but I'm just basically what I'm saying is if she was told like you did this you killed your three children and attempted suicide and she's going like in her head like I heard a male voice that told me I had no choice but to do this those two things like go together and would make sense but that's accusing that's immediately accusing her as a doctor the one who testified like that she murdered that you're in it so first of all, first of all, have we all forgotten you're innocent until proven guilty in this country, right? Like you're innocent until proven guilty. And so that's, what's frustrating is that yes,

you can, sure. A lot of people want to characterize other people right now. A lot of people right now or characterize them as pieces of shit, horrible people for thinking that Lindsay potentially didn't do this because um you know three kids were murdered and she confessed and she admitted to it so you're a complete piece of shit if you think otherwise that she didn't and um the thing is is innocent until proven guilty the prosecution fucking failed their job and they did not based on the evidence like this is what The whole thing for me is based on the evidence presented and based on what the prosecution did in court, I'm like, for anyone to come up with, it's very like on a technical level to just based on what was presented and the evidence presented and the facts we have to put together that she committed this crime. and she is guilty there's just not enough there and that's and that's not me saying she didn't do

it that's just me saying like clearly the investigation was botched that's I mean that the investigation just did not happen like it should have and prosecution sucked it so so it's like it's it's one of those things so back to um the hospital when she woke up and her recollection of events and and what she said so she so what happened was she woke up asked what happened and then a doctor testified they told her what happened i'm not i'm not back to what i was saying i'm not clear on what she told your children are dead and you attempted suicide or was it like you killed the kids and you know you did this shit um because some people are kind of making it sound like that. There's another piece. I'm not sure where this

fits in, in the timeline at the hospital. The reason why I'm hung up on the hospital is because this is when she talked to Patrick on the phone. This is where the quote unquote admission happened after the event. And I don't, sorry, we're going to get into the timeline and we're going to get into um the night of and what Patrick said um in a little bit but before I do that I think it's vital like we need to go go off of like the when she you know woke up came to whatever was extubated like what what she said and what she was told then because I think that that is missed a lot by a lot of these internet uh true crime junkies that just you know talk out of their ass about this like they're missing

i think they're missing this part because they're so stuck on the timeline and poking holes in that because they want the story to be what they want it to be i think more than focusing on like lindsey and the facts around what she said and and because, because that's everything, right? When you have a suspect, it's like, you have to focus on that. That's not nothing. You can't just go, ah, she was delirious and she was in ICU delirium and she was, she was all fucked up and on drugs and she was psychotic and she was just saying things. No, like you can't, you can't just say that. Like you have to. So I think that's where people are getting a little cuckoo. Okay. So back to the hospital, she wakes up to doctor

testifies, she's told what happened. I'm not sure how that went exactly. You know, I've explained the two routes there. Also, there's another piece where she's with the chaplain who was praying over her. Um, and she, at one point, Lindsay in the hospital, I'm not sure when this was, when she first woke up hours later, day later, the chaplain, she wakes up and goes, you know, I'm so glad the children are safe and then the chaplain told her and said that she told her that excuse me shit you know lindsey um your children are safe in heaven basically and then after that happened is this heartburn we're running out of liquids like i'm sorry i'm not trying to be funny during this

intense segment I'm down to like melted ice melted pumpkin spice coffee ice and um no more tap water or no more whatever filtered water okay um if the kid's anything like me they're gonna have a head full of hair and I think that causes heartburn so anyway so the chaplain okay so she is told they're you know Lindsay they're in heaven now right and then I believe after that Lindsay starts alluding to to the chaplain that she heard a male voice instructing her to kill the children and then kill herself like she had no choice but that's also so that's the part that's also confusing because she also said the exact same thing to Patrick so if I'm getting it right here if I'm following things correctly which

again this is the part where I think a lot of people are like we don't have the facts straight A lot of people are saying one thing and it's the other, and I need to get the facts straight, honestly. So I'm just trying to work this out in my head, how I've like, how I'm seeing it and my confusion and questions around it. so um and a lot of people are like pack it up move on this is disgusting you're doing this for entertainment and and clicks and um you know this should have been a private matter and now it's this worldwide uh trial and and the three kids are dead and this is insensitive and and like it's an amazing it's not an amazing story it's an it's a it's a horrible obviously a horrible story that is very um you know and I kind of get that you know it is entertaining it's fucking entertaining because

it's very it's confusing and I think that's what's fucked up about true crime the more confusing it the more, the weirder the cases, the more the timeline doesn't make sense, the more it's going to capture me and make me, uh, obsessed with it. And it's, and that's gross. And I will, yeah, you know, I'll acknowledge that it's gross because yeah, three, three, three babies are dead and it's like, huh? Like, but I also acknowledge we're all human. Okay. We're highly entertained by, um, um bad news and horrible events and um this is kind of how we're getting our dopamine these days bad i mean it's this week it's the nepal flood it's the or the landslide flood horrible tragedy

and the lindsey clancy case and it's dajon love scam and pretending he's in I mean that's just pure comedy we should have just talked about that today honestly like this is like getting so heavy sorry anyways um the piece that um the hospital okay then she talks to Patrick on the phone okay so then she's like with a psychologist first time she calls Patrick doesn't answer second time she calls Patrick he answers um I believe she tells him she loves him and um then she said the the part she said that I think everyone is like this is the admission she goes I was hearing a male voice that instructed me that I had no choice but to kill the three children and kill myself so what I'm saying is she said this to the chaplain

maybe I'm not sure if she said that specifically she said I'm so glad the children are safe then did she also tell the chaplain that she heard the male voice and then did she also tell Patrick on the phone call which is on speaker witnessed by the psychologist guy that she heard the male voice and so there's two situations two interactions where she's saying this it's not that she was told it right it's not that she was told you did this and then she just admits to this voice and goes with it because she's whatever it's it's coming from her she's remembering something it's not that she's not remembering anything it's that she's remembering something and she's saying it maybe multiple times I'm not clear if it was both with the chaplain and Patrick

um so that to me isn't nothing and i think that's important because it matches what happened that night three kids are dead and she attempted suicide so what happened on the evening of of this of the the murder matches what she said in the hospital so we can't just chalk that up to oh it's the icu delirium she just and then some people are just completely making up that patrick told her what she did you did this you killed the three kids and tried to kill yourself like no no she that's not how that went um i think the piece that now let's go to the the night of the timeline of events the cvs run the 3v run the how that all went down because of course when i first came across this

this case I that's what I was heavily focused on because a lot of that shit doesn't make sense the timeline right and it that's why I became oh like this husband's looking sus right like because of the timeline so the thing but I did start this segment by saying that if if it was if it was Patrick why did he call 911 why did he save her life why did he you know why would he do that if his end goal was to get rid of his family like that doesn't make any sense but then I put an asterisk or I put a pin in that and I said well maybe he had a human moment after the fact when he came home and was like oh shit and then like it's still he was in his head thinking like I gotta make this look like I came well here's the

thing though here's the thing it's like he realized things as he go on hold on he couldn't just go run errands and come home and sit on the couch and go to bed with a dead family because he would look like the he would he had to call 9-1-1 no matter what he was coming home from the CVS run and the restaurant and he was calling 911. If this was all planned and it was all him, which is what people want to think and have created theories around that, no matter what happened, like as the husband, as the dad, he would have, no matter what he was coming home and calling 911. And so I guess that contradicts where that answers my question of why did he call 911 if he wanted to have it he had to have because that would immediately place him as the the suspect

because you're not calling 911 you're just with your dead family in your house and you're just going to bed like no no no like that that would have never have happened so the 911 call was always going to be made by by him no matter if he did it she did it someone else did it like that's just how that was going to have that was going to happen of course that was how it was gonna happen so okay but he finds her alive and he's like shit if he did it right um hypothetically if this is based on what people want to think but that still wouldn't place him as which is crazy because it's like she you know she's all fucked up and the kids are in the basement and the one person that's like alive and fine is not, but it's like, how do we know they didn't investigate

him thoroughly? I don't know. Like, but it's weird. He like, didn't he sleep there the next night or that? It's weird. It's really weird. Um, but the piece that I think is completely screwy is the him showing up and saying like to Lindsay in the snow and then saying and telling and testifying that he she told him you know he goes like he recalled like asking her Lindsay what did you do which is immediately accusing her right instead of being like what happened are you okay like so people are really on that um and he said that she was laying in the snow and is like, like I tried to kill myself. She verbally, that came out and then he asked her where the kids were and she told him they're in the basement. So then he's telling the cops that, right?

That's the story he's telling them. Um, and then people are like 82 body, 82 degree body temperature she was grunting on the 911 call she wasn't speaking in clear sentences it was like grunts of pain or whatever and then the paramedics the people that worked on her in the hospital are like yeah she couldn't talk so like what the fuck was that Patrick okay so there's that that's weird this is what I'm saying like the things that are weird really make you go like what the fuck is you know and then yeah the body temperature people that have worked on dead bodies and that's their field have broken down the timeline of well technically based on her body temperature and based on the fact they could revive Callan like biologically like this could not have

been possible for her to have murdered the children because she would have had to have been in the snow this whole time during the timeline of when the kids were murdered so like people are really like on the body temperature which I was too right like I'm not again I'm not like ruling anything out but I'm everything's so she's fuck everyone everything's fucked he's fucked she's fucked I mean the pork everything's sad like and no one wins like this is not about that obviously it's just um like no matter how you slice this no matter what happens what the verdict is like they're already it's looking like a mistrial right now I think the latest update is they're gonna interview the juror that was not following the law of the

reasonable doubt law or whatever he's like the one I don't know if it's a male or female people are assuming it's a male um people are assuming he's holding out on the fact she's guilty you know and everyone else is probably innocent the reasonable doubt side of they're they're all reasonable doubt and he's or not reasonable doubt they're um not guilty by reason of insanity which is it's called something different in Massachusetts but so um but yeah back to okay so like the weird things sure um the body temperature the fact Callan was revived or he got a heartbeat within the time frame of basically when Patrick showed up and called 9-1-2 when the paramedic showed up like if that was for that to be possible he would have had to have been strangled around the time

Patrick got home which and then if Lindsay's body temperature was 82 degrees technically she couldn't have strangled Callan because she would have had to have been outside in the snow getting that her body so being that cold um very strange very odd um you know I got suckered into the Bratz doll video but like that just to me now looking back is just gross like I just I don't know I'm I'm again people want they want a story a good story a compelling twisted story they don't want abcd they don't want it to be that um but but you know i'll i i and i do a lot of flip-flopping because i do acknowledge like yeah a lot of things are weird so it's like how can you not

how can your mind not wander how can it not come up with these theories and ask these questions because things are so like um i'm trying to think of what other little holes or things that confuse me and then we should wrap this up i'm just spitballing about this because it's um top of mind you know and i i think it's a really yeah one of the craziest cases I've ever come across um I could just do true crime as my podcast honestly like I definitely this is my um one of my biggest curiosities like these stories these the documentaries I've watched I mean just there's a reason why women are it's just it's very much you know what like I said I'm not special I'm just like the rest of them on TikTok

like I'm just a basic bitch basic housewife basic bitch like this is what you do okay you talk you all you do with your friends talk about these true crime things and you watch these documentaries and you watch these stupid TikToks and it's like it's like a it's like a but here's the the thing why it feels gross is because it's real life right versus like you're reading uh what were those books ed hardy no not ed hardy the hardy boys you're not reading um the hardy boys uh fictional crime books or what was agatha christie was that crime were those crime books um no like this is real life so that's why I feel like about it um but anyways back to do I have any other okay the the CVS run okay the 3v run

um people have broken down the the timeline of his email being sent and there's just what what's like is there any big things for me that are like I think the body temperature is very curious the body temperature is very curious the fact she was soaking wet so very curious Callan's heartbeat getting getting him getting a heartbeat back on him is is very is very strange um but then I'm like fuck okay here's kind of how is there a world where like he could have been strangled at like 5 40 but not obviously enough where he was fully out no heartbeat but he still had something

like when they showed up was it like no heartbeat and they got it back or was it like a little bit the reason I'm saying this is because then that would give her time to like go up and do the thing upstairs and then jump out the window and then be in the snow long enough to get down to 82 degrees you know what I mean like I'm like is there is did that is that even possible but then I'm like I don't like to think about this like now I'm getting like weirded out by this segment because I'm like I just feel so sad and like um and then there's the conversation about okay if she's not guilty by reason of insanity this is going to open a whole new can of worms for women where fucking mental health is going to be used against you and like you're this can just not be an excuse to

be psycho because you can get away with it you know like and the thing about that and and there's this other case of I think this man because people are like if this was a man this shit shit would be over like three weeks ago um but every case is different and unique right like you this I think a dad had murdered like his three kids or five I don't know there was like it was horrible right and he's boom guilty like in prison whatever but I'm like okay well the investigation and and the what the evidence presented everything would probably have if the if the law did its job or if the court and the jury if everyone if everything did was wrap it up then yeah it could have been abcd and then boom you know but in this case the

evidence is very it's lacking like the investigation is is clearly lacking and so it's not that cut and dry. So we're like other cases of parents killing, killing their children could be more cut and dry. So that's why I think you have to be able to like understand that there's nuance to this. It's not like every case is exactly the same and should be tried exactly this like no um and I think when people characterize let's just say I don't think she did it or you're who when people characterize other the when people are care I can't how do I say this what's the correct sentence When people characterize other people or people for like immediately write them off and characterize them as complete pieces of shit, horrible human beings for being okay with guilty by reason of insanity, not guilty by reason of insanity.

because that makes it in their mind they're seeing these people they're characterizing as bad people and pieces of shit as people who think that it's okay that she murdered her three kids because she was going through it and had a psychiatric psychosis episode that that may no we're not we like I'm if that was my opinion the thing is

I don't think it should be guilty because of evidence right and the trial there's not enough there for me there's just not so then you're left with not guilty or not guilty by reason of insanity or mistrial or whatever like

it's not that I don't think she did it it's just there's not enough evidence showing for me showing that she did like I just that's the part where it's like god if they just investigate this shit properly maybe we could that would have been easier to conclude but it's just not and that's why I'm really hung up on the hospital that's why I'm really hung up on what she said in the hospital because I'm like okay well that's not nothing but is that enough again is that enough to convict her of of murder murdering your three children

is that enough you know and it's I don't think it is I don't think that's that's a that's the thing there's not enough to go with that for me um which leaves you at not guilty by reason and saying you're not guilty and I I um and back to what I was saying it's not that you believe that it's okay that she did that the three that she killed her three kids because she oh the poor thing was wasn't um you know she was failed by the system and and her people around her okay um so that makes it okay that she did that we're not no one is saying that i don't think the people that think she's not guilty by reason in standing. Not a single person really thinks that. Okay. Um, I think,

but fully being not guilty, they're not saying that either. I mean, there are some people think that it's, she's just fully not guilty, not guilty, which I'm like, okay, well shit. There's a lot of compelling stuff, um, against Patrick, you know, the moving in with the mistress within a year and going on the Costa Rica hike and leaving a review and same with the new wife and the new wife looks just like Lindsay. And then the yacht club thing, I don't know, they're like in a yacht club or he ran a marathon that she ran in prior and maybe there was an affair and um he like got rid of the nanny or like something there was like an apartment lease something with that prior to this this event so there's like some weird stuff um

it's easy to find things that are things weird in this case when it matches the story you want it to be in your head, if that makes sense. Like if you can like create a story around the weird timeline with Patrick, like you can immediately, if you want, if that's, if your POV is that he did this and he framed Lindsay, then anything he did prior to this, after this, you could immediately come up with that's weird that's uh you know um it's hard to look at it objectively and without uh you know a furrowed brow is that the right term i don't know um which you're you have to speculate right you have to you have to um you can't

you have to use discernment and you have to speculate like that's just that's the that's how you um sniff things out right that's when you um that's important to to have the ability to do that and do that well and and but in this case like this this is not about Patrick's story this case is not about what Patrick said it's about or this trial's about was lindsey uh was she like fully aware of of of what she was this premeditated was she fully aware and or was she of what she did or was she not and was she in this psych was she psych psych psych

end the episode, end the episode you get what I'm saying, this was about if Lindsay was insane was experiencing postpartum psychosis during this event those are the things they're trying to prove the prosecution wasn't trying to prove so this has nothing to do with Patrick

and it became all about him because of the sus behavior and the weird stuff that backed up or that reinforce people's inklings in their head about him and the story they wanted to be true about him because they don't want to believe that a mother could murder her three children.

Because it's really hard to get your mind to that place even though that does happen and that is a possibility. So I think that's why this turned into a shit storm of split opinions on, like the country is divided, right? Like it's because of that. But again, it is a little sus,

like all of the witnesses, everything is what Patrick said, right? Patrick said this, Patrick. So it's like, that's just like not great. They're referencing everything. everything, everything is based off of what he said. Um, it's kind of fucked. Like, honestly, it's like, so he just went with whatever he said there. It's just, that's the part that I think, yeah, I understand why people are so hung up on him. Um, so anyways, that's the episode.

happy six years. A little rusty there with the, you know, it's okay to be rusty. Like we are six years deep into this podcasting world doing this. But we're still, we're still learning and growing and getting better. And I'm going to be honest, like it's not, everything is harder at this chapter of my life like the littlest things are just hard right like putting my socks on right like putting my pants on like doing everything is hard um I can't say that okay podcasting is the easiest thing I've ever done it comes so naturally right like that's why I've been doing it for six years but it is challenging when you your voice is your like your weapon what is your voice. Your voice is your, your paintbrush. My voice is my, you get the idea. It's challenging

when you're low on brain matter because you're, you have a leg inside of you that's, that's growing. You have a arm, you have a couple arms and a couple legs and a full body. And it's taken up. It's, you know, it's hard to like get the words out and I feel insecure about, no like I kind of am a little bit like I was spewing a lot of nonsense but like we did it we did it and we don't quit and we never give up and the thing is about achieving your goals I just want to like end with another cliche I'll just like end with this because this is probably the most important thing I'm gonna I'm gonna say this entire episode and remember and after I say this this will reinforce what I said in the beginning that I want you to walk

away feeling like you can have it all. I want you to feel like after listening to me, you can have like whatever you want, you can have it because of, of, of me. That's a service I provide here. Just like understand that. And I, and I want to be honest, like I'm looking out this, this is a, this is a real moment I had this morning looking out my bedroom window. did we talk about crying we didn't really i you guys you guys know i cry a lot now i think i have discussed that that's been part of this journey it's like i cried everything cory made electrolytes the other day and i cried because he remembered the recipe and it made me cry thinking that he remembered like watching him scoop the different ingredients for the homemade electrolytes into his

water bottle made me cry because i'm like i told him this recipe once and now he's doing it for the first time by himself and he's remembering the different measurements and I watch him I literally I'm staring at him doing this and I'm I'm getting emotional I'm crying just like the other stupid thing I cried about was him taking the dogs to work I'm like he I didn't ask to ask him to this wasn't today this was a few weeks ago I didn't ask him to take the dogs to work but I'm in the shower and I hear him talking to Louie in the bedroom and he goes Louie do you want to go to the office? And he didn't tell me, Oh, I'm going to take him today. Or like he didn't, we didn't, nothing was planned about this. Usually we kind of know which days he's going to take him.

And I, and then he takes obviously Jimmy, he takes both of them and he's in, he drives away, whatever he's in the car. And I call him after I get out of the shower and I go, and cause I was crying in the shower thinking about the fact that it made him happy to think about taking the dogs to work. He, that made him happy. That made Corey happy to think about taking the dogs to work, made him happy. And that made me cry because his happiness makes me cry. Okay. But back to what I was saying about having whatever you want. I had a real moment. I woke up this morning. I knew it was my six year anniversary. So I was already kind of thinking about like this, this episode and the last six years. And I'm looking out my window

up palm trees and there's this really pretty tree that's like very dainty out my bedroom window and I like it because I really like this tree because there's always a there's always a hawk in it that like sits at the top of it and it's like the silhouette of the hawk on this tree is like really like I'm literally looking out the window it's a nice sunrise it's gonna be a stormy weekend so there's some cool clouds but it's like the sunrise colors like sherbert colors and i'm like i'm pregnant i'm cuddling louie came in the bed like early in the morning i'm cuddling my cute little bulldog jimmy came and said hi i'm with cory we skipped the gym so i'm like stoked i'm like great um it's just kind of a little bit of a

it was a little bit of a sleep in seven o'clock sleep in which is that's a sleep in for us and I'm looking out the window and I'm just so fucking like pinch me you know like I'm looking out the window and I'm just like my life is so sweet and it's so good and it wasn't like this six years ago my whole point of saying this is like I sometimes you like life hits you fast you're like how did I get here I know how I got here right like I know exactly how I got here this isn't random like getting the life you want isn't random and when I I need to give myself more credit because I think from a very young age I've always been a big dreamer I've always like visualized my life and like painted a mental picture of what I want so I've always done that

but yeah I it's like and I do, I do believe there's luck involved. I do acknowledge luck. Um, I met my husband on hinge and that was, you know, previously dating apps were not, I was not successful at that, but so it's like, there's a little luck in that. I do think finding a solid partner, especially a man is, um, it's a crapshoot. Like some people just get really lucky and they meet someone and they it works out and like some people don't I think that but then but I do believe in like a manifestation they're like being like that comes to people that are

self-actualized healed like like they've done the work so then the universe like puts on in front of them even though it feels like a crapshoot and random like it wasn't because the divine, like you've are receiving the gifts of your, of the universe when you do the work. Right. And all that cliche shit. So like, I do have to give myself credit. I don't think it's random. Um, but yeah, I'm looking out the window and I'm just like, wow, that's crazy. um I'm just like everything's dialed in like health happiness love um family everything like everything that I all the pillars of my life are pretty 10 out of 10 like there's some that are worse than others like I could do a whole

analysis of what could be better every there's always things that could be better but compared to six years ago night and day like completely different life like completely and I think that's how it should be I don't think I'm into um I think it's good to have a rock bottom in your 20s I think it's good to to have that moment with yourself I think everyone needs that. It's like, it's, it's like that, like in order to really grow and like get to the other side, you have to have, I think you have to have that moment. Hopefully you don't have it too many times. I don't think it happens. It could happen, you know, 10 times in your life. I think that's, there's peaks and valleys, right. But to have a really hardcore rock bottom in your twenties,

I think is, is healthy because, um, I think that if, if that happens to you and you're the type of person that, that wants a great life and a, and a, like a bitch in life for yourself, um, that's going to whip your ass into shape and motivate you that rock bottom. And I think it sucks that you had to get there, but it's, it's because of the perspective. It's because you cannot get that perspective. The perspective you gain on the other side is the most important piece of hitting rock bottom. Like that is the most important piece. And I think that's when I, when I look at my life and all the adversity I face and all the crazy shit from my childhood and my personal shit, my young adulthood and, and my, and into my twenties, like the per it's,

it, I don't live in outer space, right? Like I'm not, I'm, it grounds the fuck out of you and it gives you perspective and it, and if you don't have that, I don't know if it's good to, to just be, um, I think it helps you relate to the world and people better than anything right facing adversity and overcoming it and then and then gaining perspective and that that that is what um versus not not experiencing anything hard and not having any personal anything you just because the reason i'm saying that is because people in connection and community and all that is is number one and if you can't really relate to human like raw human hard things that that much the majority of society goes through

i guess you don't have to get your teeth kicked in but like it does i don't know i just feel like those are the best people like i don't know like, but, um, yeah, I was going to say something else. It's like, boom, I just lost my train of thought. Um, you get the idea. Like I, yeah. Oh. And then now that it, Oh gosh, the, you know, I told you I'm connected to nature, right I'm like so into but but speaking about being connected to other people and being able to relate and empathize with other people like these homeless people now I just can't like I just get I'm so sad about people people I get

I get really sad about people and I get really sad and I didn't touch on this at all and like this could be the deepest part of the episode. I don't, I'm going to just scrape, scrape the surface and be like very gentle on this, on this topic. But like it's had a, this whole pregnancy experience and just being the connection I feel to people and animals and universe, whatever has really made me, um, think about my dad and how, like, cause we don't have a relationship, um barely like very bare like it's only gotten worse I think it's been 11 years I haven't seen him in like eight um but now that I'm going through this chapter of my life I'm like yeah it's kind of weird I'm not I kind of want to ask my dad like what was it like having babies

what was I like as a baby like what was it like the first time you saw me and held me like like you know and it's making me kind of rethink my um that's it's really complicated again I'm just gonna scrape the surface but like um yeah it really makes you look at your parents differently having a kid and and just like it's also like how could you you know there's like there's like both like this push there's always this tug of war this push and pull with my relationship with my dad where it's like going towards it feels therapeutic but a simultaneous simultaneously like going towards him and towards our relationship feels yeah therapeutic and

good for the soul and simultaneously like terrible like how like how could after all of that like how could I you know um that's what's really complicated the tug of war and if you've been in a if you have if you've ever been estranged from a parent or fallen out with a parent like depends on the circumstances like what caused that and what led up to that but if the situation was very unhealthy and and horrible for you prior to the falling out which is probably why you fell out growing older and when time passes and you feel those feelings like oh what would it be like to you know now that I'm pregnant to like have those conversations and if it's just a mind everything becomes a mind fuck because you're like

yeah um yeah like I couldn't even get through my baby book my mom came and visited I couldn't even get through my baby book because she was writing about me before I was born and I like lost it I couldn't even read like like every word I was bawling because I'm like oh my god my mom is describing me a baby inside of her like before she's having me like I'm not even here yet and she's already talking about me and thinking about me and like loving me like what so that's why I'm like with my dad it'd be interesting to like hear about should I just have him on be like let's just cut the cord like let's just recut the umbilical cord no like let's just fucking rip the band-aid off and just I don't know I don't it's so complicated you guys this is too deep we're

like this is the end of the episode um I think we covered it all oh having everything you want make you feel like you can have it all um here's what I was gonna say this was the this was the final thought. There is like, I don't know what the actual math is on this, but there is in my opinion, in my, I'm not a mathlete, but like in my opinion, yeah, in my opinion, There's a zero probability, 0% chance that if you have a goal and you make consecutive attempts at it over time, no matter how long, like this could be a week, it could be a year, it could be five years, it could be 10 years. It could be 30 years. Okay. But I believe there's a 0% chance that you won't achieve it. As long as you keep making reps at it and reps towards it. Like there, there, there's no way it can't happen. Does that make sense? Like there's no way you can't achieve it

because there's too many. there's too many at bats. There's too many. You're taking too, you're taking the amount of swings you're taking at it won't amount to zero, right? Like it won't amount to zero, not taking any swings towards your goal would amount to zero, right? So the fact that you're taking swings and you're never stopping, the whole thing is you can't stop based on the math in my head my opinion of the math that will result in you achieving the goal and it might take longer than you want it it might happen overnight like but it's it's about showing up and taking a stab at it and putting the reps in and never stopping the reps it's all

about the reps in life. Like whatever the goal is, you have to be consistent at taking reps towards your goal. And you can go three, three steps forward, two steps back every time. Ideally you don't maybe, but, but Hey, you're still moving forward. I know this is like really obvious, but I think some people give up too soon and they pivot too quickly. And I'm all about sinking your teeth in digging your heels in and just grinding it out and not swaying from the goal and for me like it's so fucking like you call this stupid but I'm like just posting another episode I don't care where this it's not that I don't care where this podcast goes I'm in this weird phase right now where it's like I'm becoming a mother and then like I'm also

trying to continue my podcast journey and like I'm not trying to continue I am continuing it like I don't know what this looks like in a year or five years like um I can pre-plan and pre-script I could I could construct this all and but things are going to be really different very soon here and I'm gonna have to figure that out as I go I think that's just what happens when you become a parent like you can't um you can plan plan plan plan plan but you have no idea until you're you're kind of getting the kinks worked out of what the other side career wise is going to look like. So, um, but yeah, as long as you make the reps or you never stop, stop taking the reps, like you will become successful and, um, that's the tea. So, uh, what an episode I'm

basically, here's what I'm going to do for the rest of the day. Hi, we're going to Kiki and like be girls. Okay. So I am growing out my nails, my natural nails. So I'm going to fix my big nail, big thumbnail, um, because it's split. Like it's so annoying when it splits. So I'm going to do that first thing after this podcast and then full, full everything shower Padres game tonight. I need to wash my hair. I need to dry my hair. I have like four hours right now to work with so shower scrub off this this makeup skincare I need my skin's really dry right now I need to like deep moist deeply moisturize I might do a mask um am I napping before this fuck probably I'm gonna eat nap fix my nail shower or no shower

fix my nail I already know my outfit I'm wearing a bump suit um leotard or no like a onesie thing with a jean over like shirt jacket thing with studs like tennis shoes um I'll probably eat again and then go to the game I don't know that's my that's what is it Friday oh this weekend so we do have something planned so I'm planning a massage Corey we're doing a massage for his birthday um per his request so I did plan that and then um we're going to Odyssey on Saturday so we'll do that this weekend and then yeah that's it okay love you uh this was kind of long like it always is I'm back happy fall go Seahawks go team go go whatever team you're rooting for fuck the Rams um Corey thinks they're gonna go far which like so does everyone

and their mom like oh the rams the rams rams i guess there's this new like or this guy that was he's a defensive lineman i think i don't know and he like came back after all these years to the rams there's this other guy that's really good on the defensive set i don't know so cory texted me he's like i'm the rams are gonna go really far and i'm like if you're in this household now that he's a diehard seahawks fan because he's he watched hard knocks and he he now wants like a Seahawks hat and merch. Um, cause he, he, he literally said like, okay, now that I'm with you and like, this is what it is. I need to be a Seahawks fan. So like, I need to learn the team. I need to know everything. Um, we're working on the pronunciation

of Smith and jig. We got some pronunciations, last name pronunciations to work on. He can say cooper cup really easily cooper cut he like he likes to say cooper cup um but anyways the rams i just any la okay other than lakers and dodgers like football in la should not exist like an nfl team in la is just like a joke and i hate obviously the chargers went there but like there's so many other rams that i just it's like it's an unserious the rams are an unserious football team because they they're based in la like there's it's just not i can't stand it i hate the rams um hate that they're the chargers and the rams need to go like they just need to go somewhere else like if they go back to where did the rams start st louis milwaukee i don't know

all right that's the episode love you uh please hit that subscribe button oh god have i ever done this oh my god oh my god should i just do you guys this is how you know it's a draft episode we're just fucking around right now oh my god okay literally like this is like throw it in the drafts please hit that subscribe button wherever you're listening right now i'm on apple spotify oh my god we're fucking up so bad please hit that subscribe button wherever you're listening right now i'm on apple spotify google podcast stitcher breaker overcast wherever you listen to podcasts please hit that subscribe

button and review the show five stars while you're there follow me on instagram and tiktok at jacqueline monroe subscribe to my youtube channel this is a video and audio podcast hi youtube subscribe to my youtube channel and finally if you want to support the show patreon.com slash tjms patreon.com slash tjms it's five dollars a month go check it out all right that's it thanks for listening and I'll talk to you next week if I don't give birth love you bye