The Jamie Kern Lima Show - How to Be More Assertive! Tools to Trust Yourself & Communicate with Certainty w/Jefferson Fisher

Starting point is 00:00:00 Get ready to learn how to be more assertive in your communication and in every area of your life on today's powerful episode. I am so excited for this. If you're someone who struggles to say what you mean and how you feel with confidence, if you want to learn to trust yourself and truly learn the tools to be more assertive in your communication, well, back by popular demand, communication phenom and trial attorney Jefferson Fisher is here to talk with. you and me today about how to be more assertive in our communication and in our lives. Jefferson Fisher is a trial lawyer, a fifth generation award-winning attorney, writer, and speaker. His work has gained him millions of followers all over the world through short, simple, practical

Starting point is 00:00:50 social media videos teaching people how to argue less and talk more. Whether it's handling a heated conversation, dealing with a difficult personality, or standing your ground with confidence. Jefferson helps you communicate during life's everyday arguments and conversations and his brand new book called The Next Conversation, Argue Less, Talk More, is out now. Jefferson says, we can change everything about your life by what you say next. And you and I are in for a treat because Jefferson has stepped away from his busy legal practice. He got on an airplane.

Starting point is 00:01:27 He flew here to be with you and me to do. day. Whether you're listening for yourself or because someone that you love shared this episode with you, I want to welcome you to the Jamie Kern-Lima Show podcast family. Remember, this episode is not just for you and me. Please share this with every single person you know because it can change their life too. Before we jump into this episode, I'd be so grateful if you take two seconds to click on the follow or subscribe button on the app you're listening or watching the podcast on. It'll help you because you're going to be the very first to get the episodes and it's going to help the show because by you following it, it's more likely to be promoted to others to discover. And if you leave a five-star review, that would be even more amazing.

Starting point is 00:02:14 And just thank you so much. This is our show together and it truly means so much to me. Jamie Kern-Lima is her name. Everybody needs Jamie Kurn, Lima and their life. Jamie Kearn Lema. Jamie, you're so inspiring. Jamie Kern Lima. Jefferson Fisher, welcome to the Jamie Kern-Lima show.

Starting point is 00:02:37 Thank you so much for having me, Jamie. I'm honored to be here. I'm so excited you're here. Wow. What has happened with you, with your advice, with your videos, it has become a phenomenon. Thank you. Very sweet. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:02:53 Yeah, it's truly been a blessing. And right now I'm just holding on. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm excited so much to dive into. today. Jefferson, how can we be more assertive in our communication? So many people, especially women, struggle to be assertive and to have, you know, to be confident in what we have to say, to say what we really mean. How can we be more assertive? Yeah, so confidence and

Starting point is 00:03:23 assertiveness are interrelated. They work in a loop. So if you want to feel more confident, you can't just conjure that feeling. Like if I were to tell you, Jamie, I need you to be extremely happy right now, or I need you to be really scared or nervous, you're not going to feel that. I mean, I'm not, unless I just scared you, you're not going to feel scared. Because it's a feeling. It's the same thing with confidence. And you feel more confident by saying more assertive things. The whole point of saying it with confidence is it's a language adjustment. It's finding their assertive voice. And everybody, everybody who's listening, you have an understanding. You have an assertive voice. You've used it at some point in your life and the tools that we're teaching

Starting point is 00:04:05 right now in this podcast, what we talk about in the book is these are the things that are going to remind you that the voice you've probably heard a long time ago is going to sound really familiar to you because you're going to start to use your assertive language more often to say what you mean and mean what you say. So it depends on your language. Things like unnecessary apologies, things like adverbs that say literally, essentially, obviously, clearly, things that you don't need to say that begin to add ice cubes to your drink and water it down. What I'm teaching is you need to serve your words neat. You need to be able to have that power punch right in there. Okay, this is so good. Okay, there's like three things you just said that I want to break down.

Starting point is 00:04:48 You know, in your new book, the next conversation, argue, let, talk more. There are so many tools in it on this. I've read it cover to cover. It's fantastic. And I want to just call this out because you've just said so many things that I'm sitting here having aha moments right now. This is really big because you're saying to gain, you gain more confidence by saying things that are assertive, by being assertive. So every time you make a decision to be assertive, you actually are building your confidence. And we have it in us. And when you said that, that it's going to feel familiar. Because for a lot of people, maybe we had not been assertive in a long time. Maybe we don't even know what that feels like. There's so many

Starting point is 00:05:30 people that are just, we struggle with people pleasing and making everyone happy and overthinking and ruminating and worrying. And before we know it, we're just like, you know, the last thing we're doing innately is being assertive. And when you said that, that it's going to feel familiar to all of us, that we all have that assertive voice inside of us, the first thing I thought of is like a baby when they're hungry. They'll yell. They just scream. We have no problem being assertive when we're little babies and we're hungry. All the time?

Starting point is 00:06:01 Yeah. You kidding me? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's in us. So everyone listening right now, it's in you. That assertive part of you is in you.

Starting point is 00:06:08 Okay, this is big. And I want to get to the watering down with the ice cubes because that's huge. And I say a lot of those words that you just said. That's going to be another big epiphany, which is great. I'm so excited about this. I always feel Jefferson like if I'm having aha moments, what I love is I know. you know, everyone at home is going to be able to apply these things in their life. They're more likely having them too.

Starting point is 00:06:29 And so, okay, so every one of us has an assertive voice inside of us and we build our confident. We don't have to be, we don't have to be so confident to be assertive. But if we do one thing that's assertive, we say one thing that's assertive, we start building our confidence. Yes. Can you explain that? Yes.

Starting point is 00:06:48 And this is so good. Yeah. So often we say, I wish I had the confidence. I'm just building, I need to get the confidence to say it. I need to give the confidence first. I hear that all the time. They think, yes, they think confidence is the first step. Yes.

Starting point is 00:07:01 It's not. Confidence is the outcome. And so whenever you go, I just wish I had to build the confidence to say it, no, that's not it. Confidence is what you earn at the end. And so when you ever, you're able to change your voice to use language that is assertive, you will feel confident at the end. And then that will continue to build. Now you feel more confident saying assertive things.

Starting point is 00:07:23 And then that will only increase as you go. And so it's confidence is a feeling. And it is the result of assertive acts. And so what I like to say is confidence is as assertive does. And so it allows you to, it's not the reverse. It's not build, just I wish I had the confidence to say it. Nope. It's the confidence is the outcome.

Starting point is 00:07:50 So many people get this wrong. Like so many people get this wrong. Okay, so taking the assertive steps. Yes. How do we do that? One would be you need to acknowledge and take a real honest inventory of how often you are over-apologizing, saying sorry for things that you do not owe an apology for. Save your apologies for the real apologies.

Starting point is 00:08:14 When you've made a mistake, when you've said something wrong, when you truly offended someone or you did something wrong, yeah, say the apology then. not the so sorry I just missed this so sorry I'm just not getting back to you somebody is right in front of you and cuts you off and line you oh so sorry as if it was your fault what does that do to us when we over apologize nonstop what is what is that what happens to us when we do that it slowly just starts to corrode your own voice it is it's a necessary a necessary apologies are corrosive in the way they will slowly it's not the one that's not that just one little so sorry

Starting point is 00:08:52 It's not the second one. It's the 30th. It's the 50th. I mean, you probably, the people that listen, everybody, when you're not thinking about it, you will say sorry. And it's also cultural. Yeah. Right?

Starting point is 00:09:06 You will use them. And what you're really, the point I want to make to anybody who's listening is your self-worth is not tied to how little of an inconvenience you can be. It is not tied. It is not tied. It is not tied to how out of the way you can make yourself feel in the conversations. Because that's what you're really doing. And whenever you're apologizing for somebody, well, I mean, let's say I didn't see your email.

Starting point is 00:09:35 I didn't see your text. Let's put in an email. You're at work. So somebody who's maybe you're at the office right now, you're on the way to work. If there's an email that you didn't respond to for three days. But I don't want you to respond to email with us. So sorry, I'm just now getting back to you. No. Why would you apologize for having priorities? There's a good reason you didn't get to that email

Starting point is 00:09:57 for three days. Instead, you need to use words of gratitude. Like, thank you for your patience. Thank you for giving me the time to think on this. Thank you for the time to give me to reply. Whenever you use words of gratitude, now it's not only giving them the patience. When you say, thank you for your patience, they go, yeah, I was patient, wasn't I? It's, it. It's, it's, it's, it's, you're not only giving them that gift of acknowledging what they also gave in the conversation, but you are standing your ground and using assertive words. Which builds confidence. It builds your confidence.

Starting point is 00:10:33 So instead of saying, it's so sorry, it's thank you. Use words of gratitude. I'm grateful for. This is a big one. And it's not even older generations or our generation. It's younger generations. There's even, I mean, and I, you know, there's so many women who are so smart, strong, competent, capable, bosses, all that.

Starting point is 00:10:58 And it's like it's in them to just over-apologize about everything all the time. And it's like we're ingrained to think, oh, that makes everyone like us. And they're likable and all the things. That's the whole reason we do it. And you're saying it corrods your confidence. Yeah, it's not tied. How many times you can say sorry and go, it's so sorry, I just made me that.

Starting point is 00:11:19 Whenever you're kind of pulling yourself away, you hear how even just saying so sorry, these are words that, you see how I just put my hands out in front? Yeah. That's really what it is. It's pushing yourself away from the issue, pushing yourself away from,

Starting point is 00:11:34 it's making you say, I'm less than what I think I am. Wow. And it's making you think that I am an inconvenience wherever I go, whether I'm standing in line or whether I am two minutes late to whatever.

Starting point is 00:11:49 The C friends. Using unnecessary apologies is one of the fastest way to all of a sudden feel like you're, you're less worthy of stepping into your priorities and your presence. Jefferson, this is big. I'm already like, as you're talking, I am imagining how many DMs, messages, comments, emails I'm going to get from people saying, was that episode for me? There's many people in my life that do this. Yes. The answer is yes.

Starting point is 00:12:19 Yeah, yeah. The answer is yes. This episode, if you're thinking this episode of me and Jefferson is for you specifically, you are correct. Right. It is for you specifically. That's really big. Okay. You talk about watering down the drink with ice cubes and all different words and things

Starting point is 00:12:37 that we can say that deplete or water down our assertiveness as communicators. There's so much more coming up in this episode. you are not going to want to miss it, but first, I wanted to share this with you. In life, you don't soar to the level of your hopes and dreams. You stay stuck at the level of your self-worth. When you build your self-worth, you change your entire life. And that's exactly why I wrote my new book, Worthy, how to believe you are enough and transform your life for you.

Starting point is 00:13:12 If you have some self-doubt to destroy and a destiny to fulfill, Will, worthy is for you. In worthy, you'll learn proven tools and simple steps that bring life-changing results, like how to get unstuck from the things holding you back. Build unshakable self-love. Unlearn the lies that lead to self-doubt and embrace the truths that wake up worthiness. Overcome limiting beliefs and imposter syndrome. Achieve your hopes and dreams by believing you.

Starting point is 00:13:45 are worthy of them and so much more. Are you ready to unleash your greatness and step in to the person you were born to be? Imagine a life with zero self-doubt and unshakable self-worth. Get your copy of Worthy, plus some amazing thank you bonus gifts for you at worthybook.com or the link in the show notes below. Imagine what you do if you fully believe. believed in you. It's time to find out with Worthy. Imagine what would you do if you fully believed in you? My weekly free inspirational newsletter is packed with tips and tools to help you find out. It's called one-on-one with Jamie and it's delivered right to your inbox each Tuesday morning. It's a love letter from me to you. From my soul.

Starting point is 00:14:45 to yours, and I hope it brings you the words and messages you need at just the right moment. Plus, when you're part of my free inspirational newsletter community, you'll be the first to get behind-the-scenes content, inspirational messages, and be the first to learn about upcoming events and more. It's the place to be, and I sure hope you'll join me there. So if you're not on the list yet, you can sign it for free at jamiekernlima.com or click the link in the show notes below, and here's to becoming unstoppable together. And now more of this incredible conversation together.

Starting point is 00:15:26 You talk about watering down the drink with ice cubes and all different words and things that we can say that deplete or water down our assertiveness as communicators. And there are adverbs. If you don't, just as a refresher for people who need it, you remember in English class, us adverbs, their words that typically in an L-Y. There's also like just so, but there's the most likely culprits are in an L-Y, like literally, or ever heard somebody begin their sentence with, so basically, or so essentially, anytime it's the L-Y, it's describing the verb, it begins to water down your sentence

Starting point is 00:16:12 because you don't need it. You're adding fluff into your sentence. So anytime, let's say, now let me make this clear distinction. If it's just one-on-one, if it's you and your friend and your pajamas and your living room with your wine, knock yourself out. And you're like literally, this is the best wine? Exactly. Knock yourself out. Then we're good. Yeah. That's not that. Okay. This is for the situations where you need the confidence. You need to say assertive things. Okay. Now listen to the difference. If I were, I need to talk to you about something. I said, hey, Jamie. So, so basically,

Starting point is 00:16:45 Look, I just need to tell you something, and you can totally tell me if I'm wrong in this, but when I'm really feeling is, so it's like essentially, you know how you're just going on what's going on here. But people talk like that all the time. You're just adding fluff and you say like all the time. And you used the word just all the time. Just is a very hesitant word. Hey, I just want to check in. I wanted to check in. You hear the difference. Just is I'm hesitant to tell you. Just remove it. You don't need it. Same for all the. other adverbs. So instead of using them, you just erase them from your sentences. You are removing the ice cube from your drink and you're serving them neat because you don't need them. And the point is whenever you write that email, whenever you write that text, you're finding ways to not only write shorter sentences and use more concise words, it's eliminating the fluff from it. I'm so sorry, I totally forgot about this. Oh my gosh. Like you just, you don't need all of that. Whenever you can remove the adverbs, it's going to make a much clearer sentence. You're

Starting point is 00:17:48 going to sound more assertive. That's the whole point. So I, you know, I'm just thinking of sort of this challenge for everyone right now, which is, you know, the next 24 hours. Any text you write? Yes. Before you hit send, just look at it. Are there any adverbs in there? Is there any fluff? Can you take it out? Not that you don't want to be conversational, but actually it's a tool in how can I intentionally communicate more assertive, which then builds confidence. Similarly, audio text. I'm just thinking, when you're saying all the things not to do, I'm just smiling, because I'm like, I say literally so often. But this is so great and powerful to learn. And I'm just thinking similarly, you know, similarly when we send audio text, you send it off.

Starting point is 00:18:30 Listen to yourself back. Yes. I know none of us like that. I do not like listening to myself. None of us like to do it. Play that audio text back to yourself and see if you hear what Jefferson's saying. And then, you know, and there, again, to your point, there's some friends you want to just be so conversational and this and that. But can you look at it and say, is there words I can take out? Because the thing I'm obsessed with about this conversation so far, one of the many things is this idea that, okay, you take a step forward in communicating more assertive, you build more confidence. And it becomes this snowball. And I love this because this is an easy step to take. It is incredibly easy. It's just taking the time to do it. So before you press enter on that email or that text, it's just rereading it to say, am I, do I have things in here that are fluff that are just weighing down my words? And most often you do. There's nothing wrong with it. It's casual conversation. But when it comes to saying things assertively, it's best to get rid of it.

Starting point is 00:19:32 When we are in a group, let's say we're around new moms at a school and we're like, do I fit in? Or let's say we're at a meeting at work or, you know, so many of us, I talk about this example a lot that I can remember being a little girl in the class. Like I always used to know the answer. I raised my hand. I remember like the moment I stopped raising my hand even when I knew the answer. Yeah. Because like, what if I was wrong? What if I?

Starting point is 00:19:59 Self-doubt started to kick in. and, you know, what that looks like for so many people now. When you look at the data, 80% of women don't believe there enough, right? 73% of men feel inadequate and not enough. And a lot of times we doubt ourselves out of even saying what we have to say or raising our hand or speaking up. So to use the example of being in a meeting at work or on a team Zoom, you know, or a group Zoom. And we want to speak up, but we're scared and self-doubt starts to kick in. when we talk about how we can be more assertive, Jefferson, in that moment, when you're,

Starting point is 00:20:36 and everyone's been here, when you're on the Zoom, you have the idea, you want to share it. Yes. Everyone might hate it. It might be horrible. You don't know. But your heart starts racing. And what do you do in that moment to become more assertive? Let me give you a quick little tip that they can use right away.

Starting point is 00:20:56 Yes. Put in percentages. So when somebody, you want to put out an idea to the table, but you're afraid it's going to sound silly. You're afraid it's going to sound dumb. At a percentage, you say, all right, I got 10% of an idea. I need y'all's help with the other 90%. It's the concept of I'm not, I may not be 100% convinced on this idea. In fact, I know that I'm not.

Starting point is 00:21:17 But I want to contribute, and even 50%, even 10% of an idea is worth sharing. So when you can put it in, I have about 20% of a thought here. and then you say it, you're communicating to everybody else. This is not fully thought out because if you don't, what happens? You give a thought, somebody shoots it down. You give out an idea. Somebody goes, no, that's never going to work. But when you give a percentage and say, like, I have 30% of an idea,

Starting point is 00:21:40 then you're telling them, I need you to fill in the other 70%. There's space in here. This is not a finished concept. So, I mean, typically when you offer up that idea, people expect that it's a finished product. There's a bow on it, and it's theirs to, they have to go with it, is if the idea is done. Yeah. Using percentages shows it's a work in progress and more so that they are there to help

Starting point is 00:22:02 fill it in. That's the whole point of brainstorming. Yeah, that's so good. So percentages help. And if it's something you're so sure of and you can't wait to share, you can be like, so I've got 90% an idea. You guys help with either 10%, like whatever kind of thing or I've got 50% of an idea. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:22:18 That's really good. And then also if for some reason it's just a big flop with a group, which by the way, it does not mean it's a big flop. It just needs a big flop with that group. It's not a vibe of you got it shot down, but more of a collaboration. A million percent. And another little tip that they can use right this moment is using the word confident more often. Instead of, I can do that.

Starting point is 00:22:43 I'm confident I can do that. If you're in an interview, if you just say, well, let's put it in a, I like the scenarios. So if you're interviewing me and you're asking how I feel. about coming here and I go yeah I think I can add some real value here versus I'm confident I can add value here which one which one sounds better I mean like huge difference huge different instead of I think I can do that I think I can be a big team player I think I can add a you know I can add to this community I'm confident I can add to this community boom I mean all of a sudden just by using

Starting point is 00:23:20 the word you not only feel confident you sound confident to the other person And by using it, it's a double trigger. Not only do you sound more confident, all of a sudden, you become that quality. And they're going to write down those notes, very confident just because you used that word. So it can be a very powerful tool, just using the word more often. Wow. Even in friendship, you have a new friend, you're going to coffee with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:23:45 They share something about it or share something they need or this or that. And you, you know, or they're like, oh, I really, you know, I like when friends ask me how I feel, even just saying back, I'm confident I can do that. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, if it's somebody saying, you're probably not going to listen. You go, no, I'm confident that I can. I'm confident.

Starting point is 00:24:03 Yeah, it's this, this, no, I'm here, I'm good. And now you just feel like you're 10 feet tall. So good. So good. Remember, this episode is not just for you and me. Please share this with every single person you know because it can change their life too. Make sure to pick up Jefferson's new book, The Next Conversation. Argue less, talk more.

Starting point is 00:24:29 And check out his brand new Jefferson Fisher School of Communication. We'll link it in the show notes. And if you love today's episode too, well, my only ask is you please click on the follow or subscribe button for the show on the app that you're listening or watching it on, then give it a five-star review, and then share this episode with everyone you believe in. Share it with another person in your life who could benefit. from it, post it and share it with others online or in your community who just might need the words and tools and lessons in this episode today. You never know whose life you're meant to change

Starting point is 00:25:04 today by sharing this episode. Just thank you so much for joining me. And before you go, I wanted to share some words with you that couldn't be more true. You right now, exactly as you are, are enough and fully worthy. You're worthy of your greatest hopes. You're worthy of your greatest hopes. your wildest dreams and all the unconditional love in the world. It's an honor to welcome you to each episode of the Jamie Kernelima show. And here, I hope you'll come as you are and heal where you need. Blossom what you choose, journey toward your calling, and stay as long as you like because you belong here. You are worthy, you are loved.

Starting point is 00:25:45 You are love, and I love you. And I cannot wait to join you on the next episode. of the Jamie Kern-Lima show. Do you struggle with negative self-talk? Living with a constant mental narrative that you're not good enough is exhausting. I know because I spent most of my life in that habit. The words you say to yourself about yourself

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Starting point is 00:27:07 you can grab your free guide to stop overthinking and learn to trust yourself at jamikernlima.com slash resources or click the link in the show notes below. Who you spend time around is so, important as energy is contagious and so is self-belief. And I'd love to hang out with you even more, especially if you could use an extra dose of inspiration, which is exactly why I've created my free weekly newsletter that's also a love letter to you delivered straight to your inbox from me. If you haven't signed up to make sure that you get it each week, just go to Jamie Carlinema.com

Starting point is 00:27:48 to make sure you're on the list and you'll get your wonderful. on one with Jamie weekly newsletter and get ready to believe in you. If you're tired of hearing the bad news every single day and need some inspiration, some tips, tools, joy, and love hitting your inbox, I'm your girl. Subscribe at jamiekernlima.com or in the link in the show notes. I am so excited for this book. You know why? Because it's going to save so many.

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The Jamie Kern Lima Show - How to Be More Assertive! Tools to Trust Yourself & Communicate with Certainty w/Jefferson Fisher

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