The Life Of Bryony - EXCLUSIVE: Selling Sunset’s Amanza ‘I Was Suicidal at 27 - Now I’m Living My Dream Life.’

Episode Date: May 26, 2025

MY GUEST THIS WEEK: AMANZA SMITH This week, I’m joined by Amanza Smith—artist, interior designer, and star of Netflix’s Selling Sunset. You might know her for her bold fashion, razor-sharp wit, and interior know-how—but there’s so much more to Amanza’s story. In this episode, she opens up with extraordinary honesty about her childhood abuse, addiction, and mental health struggles. Amanza tells me why she almost didn’t make it to 30—and how becoming a mother gave her the strength to face her past. For anyone who’s ever hit rock bottom, Amanza’s journey is a powerful reminder that healing is possible. LET’S STAY IN TOUCH 🗣 Got something to share? Text or send a voice note on 07796657512—just start your message with LOB. 💬 Use the WhatsApp shortcut: https://wa.me/447796657512?text=LOB 📧 Prefer email? Drop me a line at [e-mail]. If you enjoyed this episode, please share it with someone who might find Amanza’s story helpful—it really makes a difference! Bryony xx CREDITS 🎙 Presenter: Bryony Gordon 🎙 Guest: Amanza Smith 🎧 Content Producer: Jonathan O’Sullivan 🎥 Audio & Video Editor: Luke Shelley 📢 Executive Producer: Mike Wooller 🛠️ Studio Manager: Sam Chisholm A Daily Mail production. Seriously Popular. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This episode of The Life of Briny is sponsored by Asda, celebrating 60 years of great family value. That's Asda Price. Hi, I'm Brony Gordon and this is The Life of Briny, the show where we talk honestly about the chaos of life and the strength it takes to keep showing up anyway. Today's guest is someone you'll definitely know from Selling Sunset, where she brings the glamour, the wit and the wow factor. But what you might not know is that Amanda Smith is also a single mum, a creative force, and an international contemporary fine artist.

And Mams has lived through more than most of us could imagine. Addiction, trauma, single parenthood, life-threatening illness, and she speaks about it all with grace, humour, and jaw-dropping honesty. This episode is about survival, self-reinvention, and why you don't need to have it all figured out to build something really beautiful. You know, as a woman, like, you start to think that you've expired, like, right before you turn 30, and it's like, I'd been living in Los Angeles and had my nose in a plate of

cocaine for the past three years. And all of a sudden, I felt like I had just completely failed miserably. My whole life was like, I was just just trash and I didn't I didn't want to live. My chat with Amanda Smith right after this. This is a paid advertisement from Asda. You know those weeknights where everything feels like a rush? Homework's finished, bath time chaos, kids running riot…and somehow, you've still got to make dinner too. It's the classic parenting juggle.

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the Rakuten app. That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N rakuten.ca. I'm so excited. We have Amanza Smith with us in the Life of Bryony Studio today. You've bought an item to make you feel at home, Amanda. Can you talk us through what it is? So I brought a few of these actually, and I'm gonna share these with you because I didn't have time. It was a quick from the hotel to here. So I went ahead and did this instead. This is making me feel comfortable.

So you're wearing gloves. To cover my carpenter nails. I look like a construction worker right now. They're dry, the cuticles. In case someone is listening and not watching, they're not like woollen gloves. They're not like mittens that you would wear on a cold day. These are like luxury lifestyle gloves. From the stripper store on Hollywood Boulevard for five dollars. Oh my god. So I love this is very selling sunset. You're like most of us when our nails

aren't that good, we just go, okay, fine. Like, and I'm looking at my own nails right now. But selling sunset, you put on luxury lifestyle gloves to cover them. Well, to be fair, I've been painting for like a couple of, like maybe a month. Okay.

And so I keep them really short and I'm washing my hands a million times with like paint thinner and they're just really dry. So I've been here a while. The weather's a bit colder in London than Los Angeles. So it's time for a manicure. And I know that the podcast has a video camera, so I didn't want to be... I could either look really super nervous and do this the whole time. Or I could have had these beautiful press-on nails, but I didn't have time. So you bought your press-on nails you're going to leave them with us?

Yes, because if you haven't tried these things, they may change your life. That's literally what Amanda Smith from Selling Sunset wears on her fabulous nails. In a pinch. Wow. Or on a day that I just forgot. I'm not the girl like remember Christine. Yeah. How could we forget? I used to say, I don't think even if I were forgot to, I'm not the girl, like, remember Christine? Yeah, how could we forget? Right?

I used to say, I don't think, even if I were a billionaire, I could not be that put together every day, like every single day. Like her hair weave would match her toenail polish, and then her design on her fingernails would go with the theme of whatever it was that month, and I'm like, how do you, you know, sometimes my toes are done, but my nails aren't and so I

wear gloves it's like I just can't get it all together. So I'm gonna be honest with you, Amanza. When I was preparing for this episode, very excited in my household because we love selling sunset... Who's your favorite? You are, Amanza, you are. Is she lying? Also, we just feel that like, when we have watched all of Selling Sunset as we have many times, we go and we try other real estate reality shows such as Selling the OC,

they just don't match up. They don't match up. They try, but they don't match up. And so we were very excited in our house that you were coming on the show. And I thought I've got to get selling sunset-ified. That's not a word. I've just made it up. And then I looked at my wardrobe this morning and thought, no, I'm just, I can't live up to it. So I'm in like a stripy jumper, jeans. I brushed my hair, but I haven't washed it. You look great. So I love selling sunset

but part of my love of it is like wow the level of maintenance here is like it's something else. I fucking love it but I couldn't do it myself. It's not easy and I'm gonna be honest it's like it's really exhausting. When we're not filming, I don't look exactly like I do on the show. I mean, my face is the same because that doesn't change. I might have cornrows, but I can tell you that there's probably been, when we've been on hiatus, I've probably gone a full month

without getting a manicure or a pedicure. And I didn't even care. Because I'm also single right now, so it's not like I'm scratching somebody's neck and they're like, ugh. But it's a job in itself. It's a job, yeah. I have Daisy that does my makeup and then I have another guy,

sometimes when Daisy's not available, and they're there at the crack of dawn. If we have to be in the office that day, I've got somebody that sort of picks and chooses like outfits, not outfits, like pieces. And I'll say, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I'll like put them together myself or I'll go online and pick things out

because I really like to dress myself. Yeah, hair, makeup, tan, nails. My hair is a whole thing. But I think that's really good for people listening or watching to know that you don't wake up like that. You don't just wake up like that. I mean, you are obviously, you are that fabulous, but it's, I think it's always really that

sort of like, you know, we see that like Instagram versus reality thing often, you know, like it's sometimes good to check in and remind ourselves that, you're like, yeah, you don't just come to and the makeup is perfectly done and the Chanel outfit is on and. Sometimes, but usually that's because I've fallen asleep in it because I was so tired or if my makeup's really good and Krishel's done this too and she's talked about it, we laugh, like if my makeup's really good and I was only filming for an hour that day. And I have a charity

event the next afternoon. I'll sleep just like this. And I'll wear the makeup the same the next day. Do you ever put like, spray on your face to make sure it's safe? Oh yeah, they spray it with like, it's like plaster of Paris I think. It's like got to be glued hairspray. Sometimes that stuff doesn't move. It's hard to get off. So people know you and love you from Selling a Sunset, but you're here in London and have been for some time.

And people will know this from Selling a Sunset as well, because in the last season, was it season eight? Season eight. Yeah. Yeah. This kind of came into play a bit, but you are also, as well as being an interior decorator, a real estate agent, you are also- I get excited to hear it.

You are an artist. An international, contemporary fine artist. Okay, so international contemporary fine artist. You are, I just want you to know, you are the first international contemporary fine artist that I've ever interviewed I thought you say that ever existed because I'm so new in the art world. Maybe it's not even a genre so talk to me about the art because

obviously in the last season you sold your first painting and It sort of started to come in and be a part of like the the narrative of the show Oh man, that actually does something, it's really cool. Also, were you using some of the art for staging? So at that point, I don't think I'd been asked yet to be a part of a gallery exhibit. I was just crafty and I loved staging, and I was like, you know what,

might start doing a little painting here and there and see, maybe some of our home buyers want to stage their house with my art or somebody looking at the stage at home will wonder where the art came from just for fun, you know, a little side hustle. Yeah, it was just to kind of maybe see if anybody would like it. And they did. What I just posted on a story one day, just a big canvas I was making for a friend. He's a famous actor.

So I was like, listen. But I helped him decorate and I said, he wanted a giant piece of art and it would be like really, really expensive. So I said, okay, you buy the canvas, like the paint and I'll paint it for you. But when all the other actors from your show and all your little athlete friends come over,

just tell them if they like it, come see me and maybe I'll start selling some paintings. It was literally like to be a hobby, like a fun little thing. So he did and I'm painting his painting one day. I'd had it in my studio for like, I don't know, two weeks before I ever put one thing, paint on it. I was intimidated actually.

Then when I finally put some paint on it and got going, I made a story for him so he could see. I was like, look, I'm actually, you know, it's moving. And the gallery reached out and asked if I wanted to be a part of an exhibit. And I was like, okay, yeah. And then we sold Michael's painting. It was the first one that I ever sold.

So I still owe him a painting. And I think in fact, now that I mentioned it, I owe him like 600 bucks for the art, canvas, and supplies. I never paid him back, I got busy. Was that the first time you'd done any painting? No, to be fair, I've been like a crafty little DIYer my whole life, like that's how I got started in interior decorating.

I started DIY projects when I was really young because we didn't have a lot of money. And so I would go places and I would see like a beautiful setting like this, And so I would go places and I would see like a beautiful, you know, setting like this. And then I would go home and I would try to mimic it with whatever we had. So this, I could make this in three seconds. I'm like, oh, we got some room. We have some, you know, I'm very good at making things that aren't, look like things that

are for a budget. So that was me at a young age just wanting my bedroom to look like you know the girls that had like the bubble-ville dances or whatever. So I would maybe cut the curtains and I would pin them up and I would shove them with like paper towel or clothes or toilet paper whatever. I'd paint everything in the room to make it look colorful. So I was very crafty. So this is very interesting because you've spoken about having ADHD and anxiety issues. What?

Sorry, I got distracted. Exactly. And how, and it's really, I wanted to talk to you about this because I find it really interesting watching the show. You seem to me like the most kind of put together, calm level one. But you've spoken about how, you know, the art and doing that painting and that creativity, is that a way that you've sort of channeled that energy that you have in your brain? Does it feel, it has sort of making things always been a way to calm yourself down? Now that I know and understand what it does to me when I paint, like a painting, now that

I've like, you know, I've learned a lot more about myself than when I was in like my 20s or when I was a kid. So I think it is something that settles my mind. And now with painting, I realize it so clearly, because when I'm painting, it's like, wait, I haven't thought about anything for like 45 minutes. So it silences stuff. Silences my brain. In fact, there's been a couple times,

one that I can think of in particular, because I was on my way to an award ceremony for Selling Sunset. This was just, I think during season eight, I forget, we filmed for so long, and it just goes so fast, and I'm like, what month was that? Everything seems like a blur.

But it was this past season during that time at some point. It was an award show, and I was in a full on gown. The hair and makeup person was super late. Or one of them was super late and one hadn't showed. So I had to like quick change up. I can't remember what was hair and makeup. So I started to get anxiety. Because I was scheduled to be on time

and now I'm gonna be late. And I'm the late one. Like they make a big deal of it. So I'm just like deemed late. And it makes me very anxious. So then I'm seeing like, I'm gonna be late. And it just, I'm just like deemed late and it makes me very anxious. So then I'm seeing like I'm gonna be late and it just I started to spiral and then everything is just impossible. It's impossible to get out of the house and I'm like it just gets worse and worse and I literally walked out to my studio

in a I think it was like a sequin Rick Owens gallon and I picked up a paint brush and the what's it called the fashion house that I borrow this from is probably like, oh my gosh. Went to the studio and I picked up acrylic paint. And for maybe five minutes I just, I was like, some people breathe. I just slapped some paint on the canvas. I think it was already hanging.

And it made me feel better. And I just like went back inside and then joined the madness again. Finished my hair and my makeup. And I got me feel better. And I just like went back inside and then joined the madness again, finished my hair and my makeup. And I got there super late. I sat down and they said in the winter is for but at a selling sunset. I was like, I just made it. But there's times that I haven't done that. And the anxiety is so bad.

I like just can't make it sometimes. But this is the one thing I know that settles me down. That's incredible. Interesting. This is a paid advertisement from Asda. Joe, I'm not a natural in the kitchen. I panic when it gets to dinner time. I don't know where to start.

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Can you explain what that is? So Joe Wick's Meal Picks are a series of recipes that I've created to make food simple and quick and easy to help families that are on a budget, that have lots of kids and that are stressed and time poor, to put healthy food on the table and do it in a way that's enjoyable, that's sustainable and that's achievable. They're created with kids in mind, but the whole family can enjoy them, is that right? Yeah, these are recipes that I've designed for the whole family to enjoy. You know, they're simple, there's very few ingredients. You can get the kids involved as well, make it fun, like come together and enjoy cooking because it can change your life in so many ways. Which of Joe Wick's meal picks would you suggest someone like me cooks first to boost their

confidence? I would give my sweet chilli chicken thigh stir-fry go. It's really simple, ready in about 10 minutes and it tastes delicious. Tell me Joe, how do your recipes make people feel less intimidated? Is it their simplicity and the kind of clear steps involved? One thing I try and achieve is that I try and get people cooking and make it, you know, not daunting and intimidating, make it just fun and a bit kind of accessible because we

don't have much time on our hands, we're stressed out, we're running around, we've got kids, we're looking after other people. So actually, if I can make it quick and simple with few ingredients then it's achievable and that is really the aim of the whole sort of as the meal picks ideas I've got. Okay. So what about making mistakes? Is there joy in making mistakes and can cooking be forgiving and fun? Listen, I'm always burning things. I'm not a great chef. I'm a cook, but I'm not the best of cooks. So I always say, look, it's okay. If there's a little bit of burn, if it's a little bit charred, it's more flavor. It might not look the most presentable, but I think you've got to be kind to yourself. And if you're somebody who hasn't cooked, you can really learn to love it. You just

got to start building your repertoire up and try a few different things. And by the end of the month, you've got maybe three or four recipes you've learned and that's going to give you more nutrients in your diet, a varied diet, and it's going to be fun. You just got to give it a go and take the first step. Thank you so much, Joe. To find out more, just search Joe Wick's Meal Picks on asda.com for simple, quick and tasty midweek meal inspiration from Asda and Joe Wick's. This is a paid advertisement from Asda. You know those weeknights where everything feels like a rush? Homework to finish, bath time chaos, kids running riot… and somehow you've still got to make dinner too? It's the classic parenting juggle.

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on everyday purchases. The PC Insider's World Elite Mastercard, the card for living unlimited. Conditions apply to all benefits. Visit pcfinancial.ca for details. Right, I think to myself, oh my God, I could not cope with the kind of bitchiness. Like, my anxiety couldn't cope with it. How do you deal with it? Obviously, you've got the painting now, but you've been in there since season two. So, you know, how do you bring yourself?

Because as I say, you come across as, like, quite calm and quite cool. Like, how do you deal with that? Well, nobody's usually bitching at me. And the shit that they're bitching about is so laughable to me. Mm-hmm. In my life, I've dealt with really serious things

still daily, like I have things going on every single day. And it's not to say that nobody else in the office has, but like from a very young age, the stuff that they are complaining about and fighting with one another about, I wouldn't dare waste my breath. So it's sort of as water off the duck's back. And I sit and I think, this show has changed my life

and it's feeding my children very well and I'm just going to sit here and if I feel strongly enough about something, I'll say it. I just can't be bothered. Yeah. It's ridiculous to me. We are grown women and I'm raising teenagers to be decent humans, to go in public and not shout and call each other names.

And if I saw my daughter or my son in a scene, like what I've seen on my own show with my friends that I love and care for, I'd be so disappointed. I'd be disappointed in them, I'd be disappointed in myself. I'd be very disappointed. So can we, do you mind talking a bit about some of the stuff I'd be so disappointed. I'd be disappointed in them. I'd be disappointed in myself. I'd be very disappointed. So can we, do you mind talking a bit about some of the stuff that you've been through in your life?

Yeah, I'm sure. So you- I'm like, yeah, sure. Have some coffee. Put the glasses on. I do. I like to, not that I enjoy talking about it, like anybody want to talk about me getting molested in room three?

It's not like that. Yeah, but no, but I- I want people to get a good sense that I enjoy talking about it. Like anybody wanna talk about me getting molested in room three? It's not like that. Yeah, but no, but I- I want people to get a good sense that I'm not just like the girl with cool cornrows. Like my whole life I've had a story, but I haven't always had a platform. And when people would get to know me and they'd hear my story, they're like,

oh my gosh, you need to write a book, or like this could be. And I'm like, who would read it? Like nobody knew who I was or any. I've always wanted to inspire. I've always seen myself standing on a stage and speaking to universities or masses of people in some way helping, whether it's one person in the crowd of however many.

But it's always been something that I've wanted to do. And this is giving me a platform so I suck it up. I've sucked up way worse and I love these girls and at the end of the day we're making a television show and some of it I think nobody would probably admit out loud of their mouth but I have a feeling that sometimes they may just go home and I'd be like oh if the world knew that I really didn't care that much about that Hmm, but we're creating, you know something that's entertaining I'm just funny. So I don't really have to get in the drama

But um, I have to be a role model for my kids and it's often been disappointing I like I had to go home when Chris shell and Nicole like had their whole thing It was so sad to me because my kids know them for a long time and they love both of them. And you know, they are old enough now they just rolled their eyes. It's like dumb, it's cringy. But it was a little hard for my kids to hear like Auntie Krishel calling Auntie Nicole a crackhead

or whatever she called her, you know? I'm like, if she's a crackhead, is mommy a crackhead? Like it trickles down, you have to like explain these things. So can we, so talk about your childhood. So you, as you said there, you were, you were abused as a child, which is just awful. And I'm really sorry it happened to you. Thank you.

Yeah, I was. I'm not sorry that it happened to me though, because it's, I get to talk about it and I get to help people and I don't abuse my kids and they'll never have to talk about something like that. Yeah. So I would do it over again exactly how, and I've said this many times, and I mean it with all my heart,

I would live every moment of it over again to know now, present day, that I'm the person that I am. Really? And I'm the mother that I am. And my kids will never sit on a sofa in tears talking to a therapist about that. You know, there's other things that maybe they have to work out. And I get to inspire.

I get to show people that if you keep going, this can be if you want this, like this, anything you want, it's possible you're not too old. At 27 years old, I wanted to end my life. Really? Yeah, thank God I didn't. Look at this. I'm an international contemporary fine artist. I love you, I love you.

With two amazing children. Yeah. Because it kept going. So yeah, I get emotional, but that's just because it's emotional. And I'm really grateful right now, because as I'm saying this, I hear everything. As I'm thinking everything, I'm telling you pieces

of my life that you maybe don't know. But then as I'm sitting here, I'm thinking, that's not happening anymore. And I'm really, I'm on a podcast and I get to now tell a little piece of my story and somebody might hear and it could help them. So it's just like, yeah, it's all very emotional, surreal, full circle. Are you safe?

Cool, grateful, I'm safe. I was abused mentally, physically and sexually from the time I was three until I was about 11. And then my mom, biological mom, is, was very emotionally abusive and physically. So as a kid, it wasn't safe to be anywhere ever. Nobody ever knew any of this was ever happening. I never told anybody. My mom didn't know until I was 11 and she asked me,

my mom asked me and I was honest. She asked me if anybody else had ever, you know, inappropriately done these things. And I said, no, I just lied because I thought in my head, I was 11 years old and I thought if I tell her she's going to kill him and I'm going to be stuck with her only, and I didn't want that to happen because he wasn't doing it every day. And she was mean every day. And I just didn't. So I kept my mouth shut. And I didn't.

It was the lesser of two evils almost. It sounds so crazy. I didn't. I finally told a friend of a friend when I was 19. And so my mom found out then, but then I was begging, please. I didn't want anybody else to know. I didn't want to make it hard for him. I was like still protecting him.

And not until I had my daughter that I realized how wrong I was. Because I- How old were you when you had your daughter? I was 33 when I had Noah. And then when I got pregnant with Noah, I was like, I really hope when I go to the ultrasound that this is a boy because I was terrified of having a girl because of

the tumultuous relationship with my mom. This is quite common, I think, with people that have experienced childhood trauma, is that they don't realize how dysfunctional it was until they themselves have children and then start to create their own families. I had my first panic attack. I never knew what a panic attack was. I didn't, I mean I'm sure I had anxiety. I knew I had ADD, but I didn't really know,

I didn't know what trauma, to me for so long, like trauma was like when you went to war. You know PTSD, it was like you had to be in the Vietnam War or like all the other wars after, like that's trauma. I had no idea, I'd never been to therapy. I'd never talked it out. I didn't know what a trigger was. I didn't know any of this.

For the longest time, I just thought that I was like an uptight, like, you know, super nervous, like, scaredy cat. So when I had my daughter, she was like almost two. I was pregnant with my son and I was visiting my best friend in Indiana and I was standing in our kitchen and I just I stopped breathing. Because I pictured it happening to my daughter. And I was like, oh, shit. All of a sudden, it was, it all hit me how awful

it was because I had a baby girl and it's very different to think that somebody would do something awful to one of your children. And so, I mean, I went back to Los Angeles and I was married, you know, at the time. My husband never knew this stuff. I never shared any of this with him. He had no idea. I had already decided in my head before I had my daughter, I knew I was gonna have to be strategic if we ever went home to see my family. I could never leave her in the room.

All these things I'm thinking, even though I was cool with him because I had pretended it never happened, I knew that I had to protect her in that moment. And I don't know what everybody's beliefs are or whatever, but I believe in God. And when I went to this ultrasound and I was hoping to have a baby boy,

and I found out it was a girl, I was like, oh no, this is gonna be so awful. Like, what if I'm like my mom? Like, what if we don't get along? Blah, blah, blah. And somebody told me God gives you what you need, not what you want. And yeah, he gave me my daughter and it changed everything.

So I wrote an email as soon as I got back to LA and that was it. I started going to therapy and it was the last time that I ever saw him or spoke to him or anything. And so that started a healing process and then therapy and realizing things about myself and understanding myself and just really wanting to be on this mission to not only teach parents how to talk to their kids

so that maybe they will talk and tell, but also to tell people that maybe have held it in for so long to let it out sooner. Because once you start to get this healing, your life is so different on the other side. So, yeah. Amazing. I'm gonna learn how to do it without totally breaking down. I haven't talked about it for a long time.

I think it's, I'm really grateful, Amanda, that you have. It's, and I think it's really important. Like we have to, when tears come, we just have to let them come, you know? Because for so long, you stopped them. You know, you kept them down. You mentioned that in your 20s, you were suicidal.

I wanna be very specific about that because I've never even actually said that out loud because my kids have been at an age that I didn't ever want them to hear me say that. But we're at a good age now and they could, I've told them this, so now I can say it. But I never wanted to talk about it before they were old enough to understand because I thought, well, God forbid if they ever have a feeling.

This is a very sensitive subject. But when I was 27 years old, I just remember I had just spent like the last three years just partying my ass off. And like I started not going to my auditions and I wasn't doing my modeling jobs and I was completely addicted to cocaine and other things like harder. And I was totally self-medicating.

I didn't even know what that meant to me. I was just living in LA and nobody cared because my family wasn't calling and I had nobody and the people that, you know, had raised me, my best friend's parents, our mom had died a few years before that. And so I was just like, I didn't have anybody to check into.

And instead of like, I didn't have anybody to check into, it was like, I don't have anybody to, it was like different. I wasn't thinking, but at 27, I got really sad because as a woman, you start to think that you've expired right before you turn 30. And it's like, I'm from a small town in Indiana and all my friends had been married

and maybe on their second, some third baby. And I'd been living in Los Angeles and had my nose in a plate of cocaine for the past three years. And all of a sudden I felt like I had just completely failed miserably my whole life was like, I was just trash and I didn't, like, I didn't wanna live. And I felt like so sad.

And I remember thinking, how can I just, like I don't wanna do anything drastic. I wanna like go to sleep and not wake up. I don't wanna to do anything drastic. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I don't want to feel like this. I'm so humiliated. And I have so... Like, I'm beautiful. And I could have done so much.

So talented. And I just felt like I... Like, my whole life was over. At 27, if I had a gun, I would have... I would have ended my life. I literally walked into, like got out of the truck. My friend was driving, I got out of the truck and then pouring rain on the PCH

and was walking directly head on into traffic, like shouting. I was coming off of drugs because I had stopped. I had stopped doing the drugs and then realized, like, what have I been doing? I wanted to die, I thought I was just over. Cut to I'm 48 years old. I'm an international contemporary fine artist. I'm two of the most amazing kids on the planet. Like I think I can literally survive anything. I was just thinking you're a survivor

but you're more than a survivor, you're a thriver. Don't you think? Yeah I guess. You know you're more than the sum of the bad things that you've survived. Do you see what I mean? Yeah, yeah. That sounded like math and I'm going to have to get my calculator. Maths is not my thing. What I mean is you are, you're not just a survivor. Like you have turned your life so that your life is not just about the abuse

you survived, the addiction you went through, you know? Like, people will be listening to this or watching this, Manza, and they will have no idea, no idea of the depths that you've experienced in your life, you know? This is, you said earlier, you're very good at making things that don't look good look good, right? And maybe that is your great talent in life, you know, to, you know, because- Pretend something is more beautiful than it actually is. But you are beautiful and there's a real beauty

in the kind of the openness, the honesty, the, there's a real power in it as well, Amanda, because there will be people listening or watching who will assume, this is this amazing woman on Selling Sunset, her life's perfect, she lives in LA, and she spends her life wafting around in designer clothes, and you're saying, no, actually, that is not what my life is.

That's what my life is now. But my life has been something completely different before and I have pulled myself up. And if you are listening now or watching and you are going through something really dark, there is no reason why down the line you could also have a turnaround. Because the other thing, you know, like you pulled yourself out of

abuse, addiction, suicidal ideation, and then, you know, you had your kids and that caused you to face your trauma head on, but that wasn't the end of your trauma. No, no. I actually, I had started to go to therapy for the stuff with my childhood. And then just realized when my kids were one and two that there's just no way I could stay in my marriage. I was miserable. And so we started to go to marriage therapy instead, like marriage counseling instead.

And then I decided I couldn't do it, and I got a divorce, I left. So all of that kind of got put on pause, and then it wasn't until my kids were, so they were one and two when we got a divorce, and when they were like, now when they're three and four, I finally went back to therapy to start to deal with, pick up where we left off, But now I've got a divorce and I'm a single mother of two infants and a very

verbally abusive ex-husband. Who doesn't want to be... Yeah, we don't know where he's at in the world. And never in front of my children would he speak. And it's important for me to say this because the kids never, I mean it was months after he had been gone, they never heard me even say one negative word about him out loud. And I think, and I still don't speak negatively about him. I know that he loved his children.

I know wherever he is, he still does. I don't know what happened and I don't know why, but I know that when he was here, he was a very loving dad and he was very hands-on. People are so quick to say like, what a piece of shit, like what a loser. I get it. I get why they say it, but it like hurts my gut to even hear that because to me there's just something. I don't know what it is.

There has to be some explanation because he loves his kids, loved his kids, and the one that I know wouldn't do this. So I started to get counseling, and he said it was the tip, like that was just like the beginning. And yeah, I mean, when people hear about my children's dad leaving, they're like, oh, that's devastating.

And I'm like, it is, but like, it's not the worst thing that's happened to me. And I'm gonna go so far as to say on this stage, on this tietsit, what is it, a tietsit? It's like a little clam sofa. The clam sofa. It's actually the best thing.

It doesn't look like it always right now. My kids probably don't feel like it always right now because they really would love to have a dad. It's the best thing that he could have ever done for all three of us. Because it one, has completely kicked me into high gear. Like I'm not stopping, I'm gonna be, I don't know where the ceiling is gonna,

where the roof like flies off if it ever stops. But I'm setting up a legacy for my kids. And I don't know that I would have had the oomph to do that if he was still here. Every other week I had a full break. I wasn't using it at the time to go and like read books and study and get better at this and craft and this and that. I was like chilling.

And that's when I would go out. I would want to find somebody to go on a date with. And he, I don't have a choice. Like I'm here, they're older right now, so they're with the nanny, but I can be here. But I'm working, I'm promoting art, I'm promoting the show, I'm working and I can explain that to them and they understand

because we're like a little team. But I, I don't know if you're watching, Ralph, thank you for letting me raise the kids on my own because I'm doing a better job. And I know for a fact that it would have been harder. It would have been harder because I know he wasn't as open-minded as me and we have a very artsy son that likes to push the boundaries and I have two really strong kids and I don't think the breaker would be able to dress the way he does if daddy was around. There's so many things that are just for me so much better. It's giving you freedom. It's freedom. I'm just a, look, maybe I'm a

control freak but when it comes to my kids I know what's going in their bodies, I know what they're hearing at the house. I know who's around them. I know what their feelings are because we do talk. My kids tell me everything because I'm in there. They're so lucky to have you. They feel safe. So I don't want to keep saying it. And there'll be headline news, Manson Smith is glad that her baby's daddy left.

I have to look at it like that because otherwise it would be even more depressing than it already is. I really truly feel like he had to go away from me to be able to soar. But sometimes you have to take away a lot to make space for what is meant to be. And what is meant to be is you're an international, contemporary, fine artist, you know, on like one of the biggest shows in the world. You know, what else? I mean, you're incredible. Thank you. I, you know, I was, when you came in, I was really excited because Amance is here.

You just wanted to show me those new nails. I just wanted to. But now I'm like, I just think you're the most incredible woman. And I'm so grateful that you have shared this side of yourself with me on this show. Like, this is a real, this feels like a real honor, actually, Imanza. And I'm really grateful for it. And I wondered if you had any advice or words of wisdom or kind of like comfort if there's anyone listening who is going through a really dark time be that divorce or abuse or just that just or their addiction or depression or just they're just not having a good time

and they feel like the world is against them. Yeah. What would you say to them? I definitely don't have it all figured out. There's no one way to do things and I can't tell anybody like, you need to stop drugs right now, it's gonna ruin your life.

I know that that is not something that people do until they are ready. And that could look different, it looks different for everybody but I know that when I started the cast of selling sunset the only difference between me I was on food stamps in America that's like government yeah money that you get and I was on food stamps because I refused to ask for child support from my children's father at the time because my mental peace was worth

more than his $2,000 a month that I would get, you know. So I was like I'm not even gonna ask for food for money because it's it's easier to keep the peace. I don't know if he's stressed out. I don't know how he is in my absence around our children. Until I started getting paid at the Oppenheim group or at Netflix. I was on food stamps. Nobody knew that. Nobody knew that if that show hadn't come along for me, our life could be so different. The only difference between me and somebody in a homeless shelter or women's and children's shelter or living on the street or living in their car was one opportunity. And it's like that that could very easily have been me. And it could change overnight.

And the only thing that you have to do, the only thing you have to do is keep going. You just have to keep going. It might get a lot harder, but eventually if you keep going and you just, it's gonna sound so cliche, trust the process and just try to understand and look at me and like I really got in trouble for the very first time when I was I was like three and a half

maybe four years old. I just remember because I know where we lived at the time and I got for scribbling on the walls with crayon and I that's the first time I realized that my mom was like really not just like a normal, like that wasn't a regular spanking. Yeah, yeah. And it was for scribbling on the walls. And now I'm scribbling on the walls and I'm getting paid for it. And so when I think about like that, it's full circle and like all of that chaos you see in my paintings and the color.

There's a lot there that's silencing, but it's come from, it's taken 48 years to get to this. So I don't feel guilty anymore when somebody wants to buy a painting for that much because it's priceless. This is the universe's reward for you. Like a massive exhibition. Yeah. Is it the Grove Gallery in?

In London, Fitzrovia. Fitzrovia! I'm from Vincennes, Indiana. Like I grew up in a trailer and I have art in Grove Gallery, Fitzrovia. I'm from Vincennes, Indiana. I grew up in a trailer and I have art in Grove Gallery, Fitzrovia. And also in Grove Gallery, Palma, Spain. I'd never even been there. Okay, so guys, you need to get down

to the Grove Gallery in Fitzrovia before everyone buys all of Amansa's work because they will. They're gonna buy it all. I'll make more. Grovegallery.com too, so they can pick before they go. You're gonna buy it all. I'll make more. Grovegallery.com too so they can pick before they go. You can pick before you go. And will London be seeing more of you?

Absolutely, I love it here. I love the tea, I love the accent. I like the architecture, the taxis are cool. Thank you so much, Amanda. A massive thank you to Amanda. I really did not expect it to get as honest and raw as the conversation did, but I also just love her humour and her nails. If there's one thing I took from this, it's that no matter where you've come from, you get to decide where you're going. You can be messy, loud, healing, and still be a work of art. Please share this with someone who needs reminding that it's

never too late to start again. Take care of yourself, and I'll see you next time. Hello podcast listener. If you're a small business owner or marketing lead looking to grow your brand or drive sales, listen to this. Two thirds of podcast fans have taken action after hearing an ad. And across all podcasts, 95% of listeners do something after hearing one. That's a 60% higher ROI than any other media channel. If you're ready to reach an audience that truly listens, advertise with us. To find out more today, email podads at mailmetromedia.co.uk.