The Matt Walsh Show - Sneak Peek Inside What Happens In The Walsh Home Part 2

Episode Date: January 28, 2023

Ever wondered what happens inside the Walsh family home! Here is your inside scoop into the Walsh homestead. Sponsored by ExpressVPN. Get 3 Months of ExpressVPN FREE! https://www.expressvpn.com/walshyt Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You know, I had hope to be more rested today. I was intent on catching up on some sleep last night. But that plan was foiled when our four-year-old came into the room at about one in the morning because he had a bad dream. And now, you know, my wife is nicer in these situations than I am. And it's not that I'm mean. You know, I do take it seriously. I try to cons – when there's a bad dream situation and I'm on the hook for it, I try to console the dream victim. especially because kids really do have terrifying dreams. If you ever listen to them, describe their dreams. It's like something out of a horror movie.

So like the other day, again, my four-year-old had a different bad dream. And he told me about it. And he said that in his dream, he heard something in the basement. And so he opened the door to the basement. And there was a man standing at the bottom of the steps, staring up, like silently, not saying anything. And I said, well, who was the man in the dream? I mean, maybe it was, you know, maybe it was Santa Claus or something coming to, you know, try to look at, try to, try to see this in a positive light. And he said, well, I don't know who the man was, Daddy, because he didn't have a face.

And I said, wow, that is, yeah, that's terrifying. I am scared now, actually. You're spreading the bad dream to me. Now, I'm infected. Stop talking about it. Keep this to yourself. So I get it with the dreams. But I, so, but I'll, I'll try to console the child and then send them back to their own bed to sleep. or I'll bring them back to the bed. I'll put them to bed and I'll say, good luck with the faceless guy. I got to go back to bed. But my wife, she'll always let the scared child sleep in our bed. And that's what she did last night.

So our four-year-old ended up in bed with us. And if you know anything about young children and how they sleep, you know how this goes? Like little kids when they sleep, they're like wind up toys that are still wound up but knocked over on their side so their legs and their arms are still flailing around. So this kid is thrashing all over the bed, all nice, he's like pummeling me in the side of the face, karate chopping me, kicking me, dropping elbows. I felt like I was trying to take a nap in the middle of a mosh pit or something. Meanwhile, the kid, you know, he's drooling all over the pillows.

And then morning finally comes, and you as the parent, you're like a zombie, sleepless, battered, broken. And the kid bounds out of bed full of energy. Well, rest. We were experiencing a kind of a contentious moment in our household, which I share with you, because why wouldn't I just share it with a bunch of strangers? You know, I went into my daughter's room this morning before I left for work to say, say bye to Earth like I always do, and she told me that she had, she had lost a tooth the night before, and she didn't tell us that she had lost a tooth because she was running a test. She's a smart girl. She's smart, and she was

running a test. She's like, Daddy, I lost a tooth. I didn't tell you. She was, she was running a test because she wanted to see, like, yeah, the tooth fairy comes, allegedly. But if I don't tell mommy and daddy that I lost a tooth, will the tooth fairy still come? Because the tooth fairy should still come if the tooth fairy exists, even if mommy and daddy don't know about it. Tooth fairy should know. And so she told me that night, you know, I'm kind of like scrambling and I'm like, well, yeah, Well, we communicate with the tooth fairy or something. I don't know. We have to send her an email.

I just trying to think of an excuse. And, of course, the whole time I'm thinking in my head, like, what, why are we doing this? This has been my point all along. If I could go back and redo one thing as a parent, go back to the beginning, it would probably be this. I don't think I would do the fantasy. I don't think, you know, I think I might not introduce tooth fairy, Santa, Easter Bunny, all that.

And the problem is, or maybe you pick one, like just do Santa, not the others. Because the problem is now they're a package. And the tooth fairy is a lot more frivolous than Santa, and it feels not as important. And also somehow even weirder and crazier and harder for kids to believe. Like, they're going to figure out tooth fairy before they figure out Santa. But now it's a package. So I was talking to my wife about it. She's like, oh, we can't tell her about tooth fairy because then Santa goes and I want to get another Christmas out of that.

It's not worth of trouble. I think you're just lying to your kid's face about it. All for what? All for what is what I ask. It's extremely important to protect your online privacy with a VPN. Choosing a VPN you trust is equally as important. ExpressVPN is the best VPN on the market. Here's why.

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But she's starting to figure the tooth fairy thing out. And yesterday, you know, I went into her room before I left in the morning. And she told me that she'd lost her tooth. And she didn't tell us the night before that she lost it because she wanted, she was running a test to see if the tooth fairy would still come. even if she doesn't tell mom and dad. And, of course, the tooth fairy didn't come. One of coincidence because she didn't tell us. And then, so the problem is that my wife, she really wants to, she realizes that it's a house

of cards. And if you lose the tooth fairy in the Easter bunny, then you lose Santa Claus. And she really wants to hang on to Santa Claus for the kids for one more Christmas. It's really, you know, she just wants one more Christmas out of it, which means we got to keep the tooth fairy going. And this is becoming difficult because last night, my daughter, I'm not making this up. This is, she came up with this on her own because she's like really trying to figure this out. And so she came up with a plan last night where she, um, first of all, she had the tooth under the pillow, of course.

And she put out some food for the tooth fairy. I don't know. That's not usually part of the tooth fairy deal. The tooth fairy doesn't usually eat. But so she put out so like a little bowl of water and I think some peanuts. Maybe the tooth fairy eats peanuts. You know, why not? Everyone likes peanuts.

and then she put out some baking soda around the dish so that she could get the footprints of the tooth fairy. Really, tooth fairy is probably flying, but still. And then she also said, yeah, she asked if she could use one of our phones and put up, like, put a camera there so she could capture the tooth fairy coming in. And this was this whole plan she concocted. And my wife told her, yes, let's do all that. Of course, I'm saying to my wife, what are you, what's your plan here with the camera part of this? How are you going to make that? Apparently, there's an app for this exact situation where a little girl is trying to figure out the tooth fairy is real.

And anyway, there's an app where you can have like a tooth fairy come in and show it to the kid. So, we got her. We fooled her for another few months. Yay us. I'm so proud of us. Well, I hope you had a blessed and happy Easter. We had a lot of fun in my house. Started the day with a 6 a.m.

Easter egg hunt outside before church. We had to get it in before church. It wasn't going to work to hold the kids off on the Easter egg hunt until after church. We figured we'd do it before. So I apologize to our neighbors for that because we were outside doing an Easter egg hunt at like 6 a.m. Fortunately, my kids are, you know, they're only about as loud as a busload of Coke up spider monkeys. So it probably wasn't that much of a disturbance. I have to say, though, Easter egg hunts have become, they've kind of gone downhill for me in terms of how fun they are.

Ever since I got fired from the job of filling the eggs before the East Egg hunt. So now I'm the guy, my job is to go hide them, but I don't get to fill them. And the reason I got fired from that job is a few years ago, you know, I had the idea to fill, because my wife, you know, made the mistake of giving the job to me. And she left me unattended and gave me all the empty eggs and said, yeah, fill these and we're going to do the Easter egg hunt. And so I filled half of the eggs with things that no kid would ever want, you know, like olives.

Some of them just had rocks and grass and stuff. And then I also put real raw eggs in some of the eggs. And I thought it would be hilarious. And it was until one of the kids opened one of the eggs with an egg inside. and dropped it and it splattered all over the place and got on his shoes and everything and then it was a big scene and my wife gave me that look that said

you're banned from doing this again but I still think I believe the game it lent the game some necessary intensity when the eggs contain both good and bad surprises that's my feeling on it now you might there are those who theorize that filling the eggs is a tedious task

And so I did that on purpose so that I would be banned from it forever in the future and I would never have to do it again. That's also a theory. I'm not going to speculate on whether that's true or not.