The Scathing Atheist - 648: Chopping Wood Edition

Episode Date: July 31, 2025

In this week’s episode, a Christian college in Australia buys a robot dog that works in mysterious ways, Scott Kupor watched The Right to Believe on his work laptop, and Ryan Walters did NOT watch The Right to Believe on his work laptop. --- To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Outbreak-Crisis-Religion-Ruined-Pandemic/dp/B08L2HSVS8/ If you see a news story you think we might be interested in, you can send it here: [e-mail] To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To check out our sister show’s sister show, D and D minus, click here: https://danddminus.libsyn.com/ Report instances of harassment or abuse connected to this show to the Creator Accountability Network here: https://creatoraccountabilitynetwork.org/ --- Guest Links: To see DJ’s incredible balloon art, click here: https://balloonsinbold.com/ --- Headlines: Trump wants federal employees to be more openly Christian: https://www.chcoc.gov/content/protecting-religious-expression-federal-workplace Kim Davis is going to overturn gay marriage https://www.kentucky.com/news/politics-government/article311312655.html Ryan Walters gets caught watching porn at work and then can’t shut it off and then blames “the media” https://www.friendlyatheist.com/p/ryan-walters-tv-displayed-nude-women Missionaries using illegal drones to evangelise Brazil’s isolated peoples: https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2025/jul/27/missionaries-using-secret-audio-devices-to-evangelise-brazils-isolated-peoples Insolvent Christian college buys robot dog and gets busted for fraud: https://www.abc.net.au/news/2025-07-25/bridabella-christian-college-likely-insolvent-2021/105571656

Warning, the following podcast has been rated R for strong language, partial nudity, and mild drug use. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by My Sheets Rock and by 7 a.m. Eastern. 7 a.m. Eastern. Because if you have to be up this early, at least somebody can be telling God to go fuck himself. And now, the skating atheist. This is DJ Morrow of balloons in bold. And considering the current state of our country has pushed me from twisting at kids' birthday parties to making balloon art. speaking out against fascism, I can assure you we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. And it's Uncommon Instrument Awareness Day. The hydrolyphone will have its day at last. Yes.

I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Keithanwright. And from Andy Kim's, New Jersey, Ann Arbor, Michigan, and Waycross, Georgia. This is the skating in East. On this week's episode, Scott Cooper watched The Right to Believe on his work laptop. A Christian College in Australia buys a robot dog that works in mysterious ways.

And Ryan Walters did not watch the right to believe on his laptop. At first, the diatri. I'm not normally polite about my atheism. Kind of my thing. But in this instance, I was as nice as I am capable of being. Still didn't fucking matter, though. That should have been mean from the start. So the subject under discussion here was a local Facebook group.

Though to say that it was under discussion is giving too much credit to the moderator. So when I went to the local No King's Rally in my incredibly Trumpy town, the main way that I connected with the little blue speckles in my red ocean that I met was through Facebook. I joined several local Facebook groups, including a local LGBTQ group, a local group that helps the unhoused, and a Facebook group for local Democrats. And that last one was by far the largest and the most active. But it had a problem, and that problem, of course, was Jesus. One of the moderators decided that the page didn't have enough of him in it.

So about a month after I joined the group, he started posting daily affirmations about his Lord and Savior. So I reached out to the guy privately. I said, hey, man, and I'm directly quoting my message here. I'm like, hey, man, I appreciate that in your mind, you're just sprinkling some goodwill on other people's Facebook feeds, but that's not how non-religious people take your daily religious posts. As an atheist in way across Georgia, I'm already bombarded with Christian messages everywhere

I go, and I'd love not to have to deal with that when I'm in my home. This is a really useful page for local liberals, but part of being liberal is welcoming a diverse coalition of people, and these daily religious messages are doing the opposite. His response? Still waiting for it. I messaged the group itself, hoping that maybe one of the other mods will rein this asshole in,

but again, I get nothing back. So then I try rude. Not because I think it's any more likely to get a response, but because that's my natural setting, and I'm sick and fucking tired of pretending otherwise. Now, of course, nobody ever read this response, not because they didn't care. It actually just got bounced for profanity, and I didn't feel like it would have the proper impact if I bollarized in a bunch of references to nether regions and maternal copulators. But it seemed to shame to let it go to waste entirely, so I at least copied it for y'all.

So here it is. Dear delusional moderation team that seems to think Wakeross, Georgia has LGBTQ affirming politically active liberals to spare. I'm not normally the type that would announce my departure from a Facebook group, but when you run a motherfucker off with your petulant assholery, you should probably know about it. I joined this group after the No Kings rally in hopes of finding a place where a progressive-minded person in Wake Cross could feel welcome, and I was able to cling to that delusion for about three fucking weeks

until name of asshole removed, decided to turn this group into a carnival row for Christ. Just step into my shoes for a second. Imagine tomorrow as you walk through this bursting with Jesus City that every bumper sticker and billboard and church reader board and Bible verse on a cash register and message on a cop car and plaque at the courthouse and posters in the library and words in the pledge of allegiance and slogan on your fucking money challenge rather than affirmed your religious beliefs. Just consider for a second how unwelcome it would make you feel and then consider what a prick you would have to be to insist on forcing that bullshit even into the few rare spaces that bill themselves as inclusive. Or hell, if that imagination is too much work for you, what about you just imagine if I took it upon myself to start posting an atheist affirmation every day?

Every day I could drop another post about how evolution clearly disproves the biblical narrative or about how okay your God book seems to be with slavery. Or hell, maybe I could point out how easy it was for unethical people to weaponize your faith and use it to usher in fascism in this fucking country. At least that would be on topic. There are conservatively 26 billion places you can go on,

Facebook for daily doses of your Jesus bullshit. There is, as near as I can tell, one place you can go to connect with fellow liberal thinkers in this blood-red, magified city. But you've gone out of your way to make it unwelcoming. Keep in mind that many people outside your religious bubble,

especially people in the LGBTQ community who are constantly being targeted by your religious bubble, see the cross is the symbol of a fucking hate group. And maybe instead of shoving it down people's throats, you should be working on rehabilitating it by not being the same petty, thoughtless, assholes that those of us victimized

by your church expect you to be for once, eventually, ever. They're talking about your Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Abra-Kadabra and Hocus Pocus to My Open Sesame, Heath, Enright, and Eli Bosnick fellas. Are you ready to make some magic?

Check your wallet. Nice try, Heath. I learned how to make all my money disappear way before this week. Check your Bitcoin wallet. Yeah, right, yeah. And speaking of making magic and taking money out of your wallet, we're excited to announce that we've got another live god-awful movies coming up in September. September 27th, we're going to be in beautiful New Orleans,

which Eli probably also thinks is Rock City, for a live record of our sister's show. So while you rush to godawful movies live.com to get your tickets, we're going to pause for a word from this week's sponsor, My Sheets Rock. See? I mean, it's better, but what about meltage? Oh, meltage is a problem. Yes, yes, it is.

What are you doing? Oh, Heath is trying out my brand new invention. The ice bed. The ice bed. Yep. Perfect solution for warm sleepers everywhere. It's a whole bed made out of a solid block of ice. Yeah, I see.

But Eli, if you're a warm sleeper, why don't you just try the regulator sheets from My Sheets Rock? What are the... Okay, I think I'm stuck in the bed. Yeah, I'm stuck in the bed. Yeah, it's like a tongue and flagpole situation. Yep. Okay, but what are the regulator sheets from My Sheets Rock? My Sheets Rock created the regulator sheets

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But have you actually tried them? Like really stuck. I sure have. My Sheets Rock sent us a set to try when they first became a sponsor and I loved him so much that I bought three more pairs. Now My Sheets Rocks are the only sheets that I'll sleep on. But what if I don't believe you? Don't believe me? They're 2,200 5-star customer reviews speak for themselves. Plus, they offer a 90-day risk-free trial and free shipping and returns.

Check out My Sheets Rock at MySheetsrock.com slash scathing and enter our code scathing for 10% off and free shipping. That's Mysheetsrock.com slash scathing code scathing. All right, Noah, thanks. So, Heath, do you want some help getting unstuck or do you want to wait for it to melt? Wait for it to melt. Smart. It's got my flaps. We see that.

And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, newly confirmed head of the Office of Personnel Management, Scott Cooper wants to send a message to federal employees, and that message is, Jesus. And rather than hold down the E key long enough to fill five pages, he instead presented it in the form of a five-page memo encouraging federal employees to be more religious about it. The memo emphasizes and expands all the various ways you can express your religion up to and include proselytizing your coworkers and subordinates and the public that you serve. Yeah. Note to staff, we're doing theocracy now. Also, don't forget fun shirt Friday. Yeah.

But not too fun. Keep it fucking professional. That's a sin. And only brown shirts. Right. Yeah. So, right. So for the most part, this memo just says shit that's already true and pretend. it wasn't before, right? Like whenever they say that they're going to make it legal for kids to read their Bibles in school, but buried within five pages of, and we're going to make it legal for you to love Jesus during work hours, are a couple of terrifying expansions. For example, the memo specifically allows for, quote, posters displaying religious

messages, end quote. And of course, we already know that religious messages can and often do mean expressions of bigotry. So this memo has just encouraged Christian bigots to put up posters about how many genders their God created, or how Adam and Steve it isn't. Yeah, I mean, sure, but I am going to get creative on those posters if there aren't cameras in the brinkering. I have a sharpie and a vivid imagination, Cheryl.

I'm just telling you. I have posters made of brick and mortar and no imagination. Oh, okay. Well, there you go. Whatever that meant. The most terrifying snippet, though, comes in the section on conversations between employees where it specifically allows for federal workers to engage in religious conversations with other employees, quote, including attempting to persuade others of the correctness of their

own religious views provided that such efforts are not harassing in nature, end quote. Nope, that does not exist. If you start a sentence with the word Jesus while we're at work, that's harassing in nature now. Right. So if you stay calm enough, this is what they're saying is if you stay calm enough, you're allowed to tell your gay co-workers that they're going to burn in hell now. Yeah. Okay. Satanists, you know what to.

do. Time to set Carol from HR who wears the obnoxiously large cross straight. She's been waiting to hear from that. That is legal now apparently, but pin in that right. But that same section, by the way, it also allows religious people to quote, encourage their coworkers to participate

in religious expressions of faith, end quote. Now, would that remain true if those co-workers that you were coercing were say your subordinate employees? Well, there's nothing in the fucking memo to suggest otherwise. And if you think, by the way, you're safe because you're not a federal employee.

I should point out that this also applies when they're dealing with the public. The memo specifically says that and uses the example of a park ranger praying with the group that they're giving a tour to. Now, kids, this bristlecone pine tree is older than I think the earth is. But why don't we take a knee for a moment? That's the big boy upstairs what he thinks. Okay, clearly a Christian park ranger met a young Noah at some point and showed up at Scott Cooper's office just weeping after losing a fight with a job.

I like that part of this origin story. Can you put this in your memo? Put the part about Bear Mace in there. That I get to use it. And look, so the knee-jerk response to this from a lot of the people in our corner, including some of the people on this show, will be some variation of, well, they sure aren't going to like it when they see my religious expressions, right?

Like, we'd like to imagine a bunch of Muslims bowing to Mecca and Satan is drawn bloody pentagrams on the floor and Wiccans dancing naked around a fire in the middle of the office. And these idiots are going like, oh, what have we unleashed? But in reality, the social contract already excludes those people, right? The way the majority of their coworkers would react to them is enough to dissuade their religious expression already. Just ask anybody who's got a religion that requires wearing a turban or a yarmulka or something

like that. Something tells me that not a lot of office Hindus are going to avail themselves of their new right to evangelize their religion at work. So what this actually is in the end is a bunch of new ways for Christians to make everyone else feel unwelcome, which is exactly what it was intended to be. Okay, but Chas Stevens does work somewhere.

And now he has weapons in his arson. And in what a Davis has been news. Oh, nice, nice. You know, one of the most common questions I get when I get to meet folks like you at live shows is, doesn't your job bum you out? And

honestly, 99% of the time the answer is no. I mean, yes, we report on the horrors of theocracy, at least once week, but we do so in solidarity with you. We are listening. We are not dwelling on the awful, the evil, and the bigoted. We're reminding you that this shit is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-N-A-S, and that you are not alone, which is pretty positive, actually. But sometimes, sometimes the enormity of awful is too much to bear, even with that in mind. And this week, we learned that the death blow to marriage equality might come in the form of

ex-county clerk and permanent lurks the Uric high cosplayer, Kim Davis. So we're going to talk about it. Even as we were dancing on her grave, they were sewing her back together. Yeah. Bigot, stronger, faster. Technology. Great. Kim Davis is back.

It's not worth the money, though. Yeah. So if you're unfamiliar with Ms. Davis, I assume you're a fantasy creature who's accidentally stumbled into the human realm. Let me be the first to tell you you should go back. Whatever you were running from in the wild hunt or whatever is significantly better than America right now. Go back to the nothing. Grab some Starbucks, maybe a Rice Krispy Tree, head back into the Fay Wild.

Trust me. But quick reminder for those of you who don't know, Davis is the Kentucky County clerk who refused to marry a gay couple after the Obergerfeld ruling here in the United States. And her deep biblical loyalism expressed within the confines of her fourth marriage to her third husband cost her and her county almost a million dollars in legal fees. And honestly, Davis's case was kind of a shining beacon for us for a little bit, right? The living milk-curdling proof that in the end, bad guys do see their comeuppance. But like everything good in American history, this Supreme Court is now positioned to overturn it.

I feel like it's fucking lazy the way they keep bringing back the same bad guys for the sequel. cheapens the ending of the last one. Okay, lots of project 2025 was just about thawing Kim Davis out of the cryoprism, I'm pretty sure. Exactly. Here it is. Yeah, so Liberty Council, Davis's lawyers, have asked the court to weigh

in on three points of her case. One, whether Davis's First Amendment religious liberty rights were infringed upon when she was asked to certify marriage certificates for gay couples since it violated her evangelical Christian beliefs. Two, whether she has qualified immunity

that should shield her now as a private citizen from having to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars and damages to the gay couple or suitor. And three, whether the very case that legalized gay marriage in 2015, O'Bergeville v. Hodges, should be overturned. And I should point out that these are all points

that this court has either explicitly said or already demonstrated they are eager to take her side on. Well, yeah, and as near as I can tell, there have been zero cases where this court has found that a Christian did not have the legal right to do whatever the fuck it was that they were doing. So I feel like we can all mark down the 6-3 split now.

Yeah. And that includes the religious right of removing your kid from a class that has a book with a lady in a leather jacket. Yep. I wish that was a wacky sarcastic example. It's not. It is not. So do I. Yeah. That's real. Yeah.

Now look, this is far from a done deal. We don't even know if the court is taking the case yet. And if they do, we don't know which points they're going to agree to weigh in on, right? as awful as this court is, they're also tremendously cowardly. And that NYPD mugshot of Luigi Mangione looked fabulous. So they may fall short of their theocratic goals. But I am not optimistic.

What is Eli talking about? I don't even understand it. And in pubic education news tonight, we have had very serious internal discussions within our company this week about whether we should even bother to keep doing comedy now that the funniest possible thing has happened. We seriously thought we might have to come out here all serious as fuck, like an East German documentary from 1968 or something.

Because how to fuck could anything ever be funny again after professional inept Bible purchaser Ryan Walters, who wrote a wave of anti-pornography rhetoric to his position as superintendent of Oklahoma schools, was caught watching porn during a meeting with the state board of edge of fucking gay. They should have sent a poet dance. They should have sent to poet.

Okay. So there's this Christian right activist group who think they're spies called Project Veritas. They go around trying to discredit liberals with insane entrapment operations and deceptively edited video. But they're all idiots and they keep failing. Ever since I first learned about them, I've been working on a plan for my own version of their thing. and I'm brainstorming ideas and then Ryan Walters Project Mendaciums himself

so fucking hard in reality. I'm actually mad about it that I didn't think of this. Regardless, the new plan is going to every public meeting for every Republican I can find and projecting porn onto whatever screen they're using all the sure. It's my singular focus for now.

Fair, and a good use of your time. Now, to be clear, the type of anti-porn sentiment that propelled Walters to the 193th most powerful position in Oklahoma state politics was the type that actually is just anti-LGB bigotry, masquerading as a concern for children, right? So the porn he was crusading against was along the lines of Heather has two mommies. And while the porn he was watching, no doubt, had two mommies in it, it was a fundamentally different thing.

Porn. Porn was the fundamentally different thing. It was the other thing is a kid's book. And I make that distinction because I think it's kind of, kind of homophobic to even call this hypocrisy, right? It's not. Like, anti-abortion people who murder abortion doctors are only ironic if you buy into the bullshit claim that they were pro-life in the first place. It's like that. Right. Yeah. It's important that we clarify that Ryan is the thing he only imagines other people to be. Right. And we got to get out in front. Yes, exactly. So,

so let me set the today's here for you because again, this is the funniest thing that ever happened. So, absolutely. Ryan Walters is wrapping up a meeting with the State Board of education last Thursday morning, and at the end of the meeting, he has to step into the office with a couple of members of the board to discuss some personal stuff about students that shouldn't be like a matter of public record, right? This is a typical thing. So they go into the office and Ryan Walters fires up his computer forgetting apparently that he's got one of the TV screens in his office set up to clone his monitor. And apparently, he's getting himself a pre-boner in advance of the very important jerk session he's planning to have the second this

meetings over. Because the lady and the schoolgirl outfit on his screen was not a student. Well, those are way too short to be the new uniforms, Ryan. And seeing you pass the test that they are too short. Yeah, right, right.

So, okay. So apologies for the length of the quote here, but this is all too delicious. I was trying to like trim this down. I cannot leave a word of this out. So I'm quoting from the local news source that first reported the story as quoted on the friendly atheist blog. This is the account. This is the account given to them by the two board members present whose names are Ryan Dyrthridge and Becky Carson.

Quote, D'erthridge said he noticed the video first while a parent was speaking about her appeal of a district transfer denial. As D'erthridge weighed his options about how to bring the video to the room's attention, Carson noticed the nudity. Yeah, you want to come up with like a funny way to bring that to the room. Yeah, right, exactly. Yeah, exactly. You got to get a judge.

Oh, my gosh, Rebecca, that is so sad, but just real quick. I'm just a teeny got to address this. I'm just going to take out my laser pointer. So, okay, so now we're quoting Carson here. We're quoting Becky Carson. I was like, what am I seeing? I was kind of in shock, honestly. I started to question whether I was actually seeing what I was seeing.

I was like, is that woman naked? And then I was like, no, she's got a body suit on. And it happened very quickly. I was like, that is not a body suit. And I, sorry, I love this quote so goddamn much. And I hate to even use these terms, but I said, those are her nipples. And then I was looking closer and I got a full body of view. And I was like, that is pubic hair.

Even right now, I couldn't even tell you what I was watching. Okay. I'm not sure I'm loving. that the first lady had a Lovecraftian response to a picture of a naked body? It's just lovecrafted tentacles not porn. Wait, yeah, that's

porn. That's porn. Let's be fair, though. We all watch porn at the office on Thursday morning and we all cast it onto our big TV. We're human beings. But dude, get a

dedicated porn laptop, you fucking weirdo. What are you doing? Obviously. So, okay. Who has a dedicated laptop? Whatever my old laptop is, that's my dedicated boy laptop. That's the boring laptop. All right.

So, okay, so at this point, Carson decides it's time to put this smut to a stop. Or as you put it to the local news, quote, the mama bear in me came out, end quote. And then somehow it gets even funnier. Back to the local story, quoting Carson's recollection. Quote, I was so disturbed by it that I was like very loudly and boastfully, like I was a parent or a teacher. I said, what is on your TV?

What am I watching? He was like, what are you talking about? He stood up and saw it. He made acknowledgement that he saw it, Carson recalled. And I said, turn it off now. And he was like, what is this? What is this?

So he acknowledged it was inappropriate just by those words. And he was like, I can't get it to turn off. I can't figure out how to turn it And I said, get it turned off. So he finally got it turned off. And that was the end of it.

He didn't address it. He didn't apologize. Nothing was said. And the greatest quote in the history. And I'll go ahead and say it, the future of this podcast. Turn it off. No. Don't air drop it to me.

What the fuck are you doing? I'm not a cat. Wait, I am a cat. Where's the fucking cat button? I'm not a person. So yeah, so move aside congregation who found out the savior blood dripping from the tree outside

that they were eating was aphid shit. Pack your bags, time that Jerry Falwell Jr. fell drunkenly down his stairs and then refused to let ENT's until he passed out. Move over Ben Shapiro's wife telling him a wet vagina was a disease because now I have the image of Ryan Walters standing up trying to panic,

close his porn window with an awkward boner while the church lady screams spittle at him and then trying to sit down and carry on the meeting like nothing fucking happened. And that will be the last thing that keeps me warm as the light from the world dies around me. I really, I'm hoping a bunch of pop-up screens

kept happening. Oh, yeah, he's just trying to get you up. He's like, whack a mole, right? Wack, never mind. Do you think he went with an anyways? I bet he went with it anyways. And in naked and a drone, Whether or not they're willing to admit they're inherently Christian problems,

most people know about things like Christian homophobia or the Christian war on bodily autonomy. But when you do our job, you're privy to the deep cuts. Theocratic assholery is so absurd, it sounds like something atheists would make up to make Christians look bad by exaggeration. Like, for example, the insane insistence of Christian missionaries to reach out to isolated jungle tribes, often at the expense of their own lives or the lives of the people they're reaching out to. As a result, these tribes are often legally protected from contact.

And this week, we learned that the Christian response to these laws in Brazil has been solar-powered drones yelling Bible passages in a language these people don't speak. So we're going to talk about it. I feel like you should have to at least believe in all the technology that makes a device possible before you should be allowed to use it, right? This combination of smart and stupid is infuriating. Yeah, but they'll happily get flying gas-powered chainsaws to fly around the rainforest and then also shoot their Christian thing.

Fair. Exactly. So first off, big thanks to will you guys actually say whatever I pretend is my name if I send you atheist news to scathing news at gmail.com for both sending us this story to scathing news at gmail.com And including the plug in your message. Yes and yes. Scathing News at gmail.com. Okay, so this story in particular is about the Karubo people in the Javari Valley near the Brazil-Peru

border. Now, it's worth pointing out that there are humanitarian agencies in the process of safely making contact with these tribes. These groups are providing food, medical care, and knowledge of the outside world in a way that's safe for everybody involved. A job that has been made significantly harder by the fact that their biggest challenge, and making contact with a Stone Age people is the Christians who bash through the trees

with the full-on flu to tell everybody about a dead carpenter from a country they don't know exists. Yes, right. Like the fucking, the licking all the brownies before anybody else can get to them system of tribal outreach, yeah. Yeah. So, okay, these Christians are liars,

but here's the narrative if they're telling the truth about their belief. They worship a God who sends people to a lake of fire for eternity if those people don't learn about that God's whiny fucking son who really needs attention. And that God's plan

was to keep doing that until people invented solar-powered drones in this case. And then that God was going to keep doing it because the drone doesn't speak Karubo. That's what's going to happen. That's their narrative. As I said at the top of this story,

this week it was discovered that Christians have been flying in solar-powered drones that preach the gospel in a language the tribe doesn't speak, according to the Guardian, quote, the first device uncovered, a yellow and gray mobile phone-sized unit mysteriously appeared in a Karubo village in the Javari Valley recently. The gadget, which recites the Bible and inspirational talks by an American Baptist,

can do so indefinitely, even off-grid, thanks to a solar panel. Up to seven of the units were reported by local people, but the photo and video evidence were obtained for just one. A message on the device located by the Guardian states, Let's see what Paul says as he considers his own life in Philippians, chapter 3, verse 4. If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more. This is really embarrassing, y'all. We already bought them before Larry realized that babblefishes weren't a real thing.

It's just from that book. All right, we got to get some duolingo drones or something. Figure it out. Now, you might be wondering yourself, okay, why the hell wouldn't these tribes just smash the hell out of the boring? bird they got handed. Well, it's because, nefariously, the talking box is also a solar-powered flashlight, as in-touch ministry's chief operating officer confirmed in an interview with the Guardian last year, quote, it is built for functionality, solar-powered with a flashlight, then they discover the content. Oh, yeah, give them the old in-and-out burger. Gotcha. Yeah, exactly. So

obviously there's an investigation in progress here. Local authorities are doing their best to prevent further contact, which reminder could be deadly to literally everyone involved. But it's also an excellent time to remind ourselves that for whatever good missionary groups pretend to be doing, their first priority has been and continues to be pushing their beliefs at the expense of literally any other possible consequence. Yep. And, And finally tonight, in Dog Forbid News, a Christian college was found to be run by stupid liars last week. And we are shocked. Despite having an amazing source of absolute morality, we got a good deal of immorality.

And there's a dog's dog forbid knelt it. The school recently went bankrupt and got forced into receivership to unwind all their debts. The Deloitte accounting firm is handling the operation. and according to their 113 page report, the administrators of Brindabella Christian College in Canberra, Australia, were fully aware the institution was completely insolvent for years, and they bought a robot dog for $336,000.

Jesus. Okay, they didn't even buy a real dog. Consider me unhooked, sir. Unhooked, I say. Okay, so my instincts tell me that spending a third of a million dollars on a robot dog is the only thing they ever did that didn't make me hate them. So this seems like weird framing, Heath,

But I'll ride with you. Yeah. This is probably like the best expenditure they ever made. And a big thanks to Peter for sending a link to Skating News at gmail.com. Peter gets to wrestle with our robot and mammalian dogs anytime they're available. Okay. Madge is a lady of years in repose. Russell Bailey or Heath.

Okay, Peter. Yeah, no, you do not want to wrestle Lucinda's robot dog. She could ride it. She could ride it. Madge is delightful as just kind of like a. A little bit old, a little bit slow, but Rassler, for sure. Oh, she's not there for wrestling. She's a lady in repose.

She loves to wrestle with. So the absurd expenditures went beyond the amazing purchase of a robot dog. The school was aware of their financial problems since at least 2018, and they were clearly entirely insolvent since at least 2021. But that didn't stop three board members of the school and two other administrators from taking an expensive trip in April of last year. that included a five-day retreat, three days at the Kentucky Derby. Really? And, yeah, and...

And what are you doing? Side-tackle these motherfuckers, come on now. Weird thing. Yeah, plus however long it takes to buy one of those robot dogs from Boston Dynamics. No idea why they needed to see that horse race. And I'm pretty sure the dog robot is for something layer-related.

Like, that's what they're using for. And I don't like it. Hey, guys, we don't get in trouble. for spending money we don't have, right? Because I've got to start apologizing for my college years now. If that's the case, we've got to get ahead of this thing. Guys, Eli is currently rioting one of those Boston Dynamic dogs right now. So, yes.

I'm too fat, so I'm just kind of sitting on it. So the total debt amassed by Brindabella to their creditors is about $12 million. And during just that time in April last year, they spent $460,000 total. according to Deloitte quote the robot was not a core operational requirement and had no clear link to the college's curriculum or educational outcomes

end quote from Deloitte's Department of Understatement in their report. Stupid dog prey or something the accountants are like stop putting a mortar board on it that is nothing it doesn't change anything it's an erudite

robots so in the end Deloitte found some to buy the school and its property, but it's another Christian education group. And that group might have a robot dog with fucking layer-based training. So not great.

And with our Australian listeners duly warned, we can wrap the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumaji. And when we come back, we'll have an intervention with Eli. Do you love our shows? Do you wish we'd stop visiting metropolitan mechas like California?

Drew's up. New York City. I'm walking here. And Cleveland, so we could come to a place near you? Oh, yeah. Well, good news, you southern bells and bows. We're dipping back below the Mason Dixon line for God Awful movies live in New Orleans on September 27. Bonjour.

That's New Orleans for Rock. Enjoy all your favorite god-awful movies with all the visual shenanigans you've been missing. That was a backflip. But don't wait, these tickets are going to sell faster than Marty Grubbeads after midnight. Woo-hoo! Head over to godawful movieslive.com or check the show notes to grab your tickets today. Godawful Movies Live in New Orleans, September 27. It's going to be French as fuck.

We'll love. Here at the Skating Atheist, we often focus on the bad things that people are doing in the name of religion. Well, today, I'm going to mix it up a little bit and focus on a religious person who's doing much better. Ooh. He's curing Christian men of watching porn. And that's nothing, which is way better than average.

Except, well, okay, he's charging money to cure the nothing and wasting people's time while they cure the nothing. So, oh, well, also bad. not be mixing it up. The format lives on, perfect. And the porn recovery ministry has an extensive website detailing all their amazing offerings. So welcome back to another installment of gaw, god-awful websites. All right, you guys ready to heal? Yeah, cut to Ryan Walters furiously taking notes. And he's used to furious activity with that arms. Isn't he though? He's ready. On Thursday mornings. It's like fucking pop

Why? So let's start with the leader of the team, Blaine Bartel. Godfell Movies listeners might remember that name. He's the former host of the Christian Saturday Night Live ripoff called Fire by Night, that we've covered multiple times over the years. But now he's a dedicated minister. Here's what it says in the Meet Blaine section. Blaine is a modern-day Lazarus. Oh, is that a refractory period reference?

That would fit. Jesus resurrected him out of 23 years of sexual addiction and the death of everything he held dear. Death? Today, he coaches men out of sexual brokenness and into the Jesus life. Blaine and his wife, Lori, reside in Tulsa, Oklahoma. They love going on long walks from the kitchen to the living room and have a weakness for reality shows.

Okay, so first of all, I'm dying to know what he jerked off to death. But also, like, I love this. feels they need to go in like, I like to go for walks. I'm kidding. What am I gay? No, no. But seriously, folks, if you masturbate, you will kill the things you love. All right.

So here's a little backstory on Blaine. His righteous path started as a kid growing up in Saskatchewan, Canada, where he fully absorbed their legendary culture of very serious martial arts. What? By the time he was only nine years old. Blaine was the provincial judo champion. And we know that's real because Blaine very clearly made his mom find an old photo for the bio section of his anti-masturbation website. And we can see a young Blaine wearing a ghee and holding, well, three very small trophies.

Very tight. Well, yeah, the one is almost unseeable. It's so small in the middle there. A lot of people were highly decorated martial artists as children. you guys actually sound jealous all right a lot of similarities Eli and Blaine

so after a childhood of judo mastery Blaine naturally became a superstar of Christian sketch comedy on VHS and Betamax ordered by subscription You remember those channels

through a church and that brings us to the tragic incident that incited a 23 year addiction This is very serious. One night, while living in the fast lane at a hotel in Pennsylvania, he was tempted away from the path, and he watched an adult film. That started what he calls a debilitating addiction that led to his divorce.

Okay, it's less debilitating if you use enough lotion, Blaine, Jesus. So, after hitting rock bottom, Blaine finally decided to start a support group for his fellow. Recovering porn addicts called Chopping Wood. Okay, I want to make a joke about chopping wood being the title of his anti-porn thing, but isn't divorce also a sin? I feel like you undo that one before you pledge to never touch your weenie again, right? Like, priority-wise. So the online home for Blaine's ministry was choppingwood.org,

and it presented a variety of useful techniques for staying sober. one major risk of course is morning wood right you wake up and you have to pee but you also have the uncontrollable urge to masturbate furiously we've all been there and we were all confused at times which do you do first do you pee or masturbate sure can you do both at the same time is that even possible how do you pee at that angle even if you just decide to pee most christian men just don't have all the information they need well according to blaine you can relax that erection by drinking a bunch of water when you wake up, which reminds the brain to focus on the bladder

instead of your uncontrollable urge to masturbate furiously. And then you pee at a normal angle and also you never watch porn for the rest of your life. Yeah, I'm sorry, drinking water when you already have to pee is such a great euphemism for Christian advice, right? And thinking a pee boner is sexual arousal is a close second. Right there, tracks. Well, apparently Blaine decided that chopping wood was a little on the nose for the name of his anti-erection group.

Wasn't the nose that it was on. And he wanted to be taken very seriously as a professional. So he rebranded and split his operation into its two major components, his online education department and his in-person recovery department. Yeah, that was mostly handcuffs. So it's all available under one umbrella at. Blaine Bartell with 1L.com. So if you know anyone who's struggling, that's where to go.

I'll start with that first component, Blaine's online recovery seminar, known as the Catharos Masterclass for Men. And the very first thing at the top of the landing page is an important stat about porn. Quote, 93% of pastors have no plan to combat the greatest enemy to growth in their Sure. Let's change that. Preach about baseball. Too much Thai food. And here's the main description. Catharos is an eight-week small group curriculum for men who want to put pornography in the past for good.

Blaine walks men through the eight transformation practices that liberated him from a lifetime of sexual addiction. This groundbreaking training program beautifully merges. sound behavior science sick with the life altering teachings of jesus sick sick you can become a certified catharos coach today i'm i'm pretty sure none of us are uh qualified hey speak for yourself i stayed celibate the entire time the urologist was doing my of a sexy Did you? Full time. Did you?

Well, yeah, we're obviously getting certified as anti-Wank facilitators. That's going to be awesome. So according to Blaine, his coaching materials, quote, fully equip you to walk men into freedom. All you got to do is order the group Catharos Masterclass curriculum bundle. You'll get eight film quality training classes, six workbooks. Extras can be ordered for $20 each. Six sets of declaration cards. They say, I am fully surrendered.

Yeah, I can see that, Fred. Would you like a tower? I'm a master of my domain. And they have a Bible quote on the back of the card. You also get six handcrafted wooden crosses. Extras could be ordered for $750 each. A promotional package. That's all it says.

It's a mystery package of some sort. the facilitator training manual and personal email access to Blaine Bartell himself. And you get all that for just $299 or as low as $27 a month if you get approved for a payment plan. So Heath has included some photos in our notes here. Imagine the guy who had to arrange this photo here that you included to make like six workbooks, a deck of cards, a half dozen tiny little cheap ass crosses and website access look like $300 worth of shit. Right?

This first one, amazing. I mean, I would love to email Blaine Bartel and $300 is an amount of money that I have, but I'm really only going to get one shot at this email. Everybody, it's got a count. Get it? Right. Okay, so don't believe me? What are you, My Sheets, Rock?

You skeptical about this amazing system? Just listen to this very, satisfied customer. This is Jeff Stone, a certified Catharos coach. Honey, they're putting me on the website for the anti-porn course you made me go to. That's fucking awesome, babe. Here's the quote from Jeff Stone. Unlike other programs that focus on behavior modification, Catharos challenges men to experience real resurrection. I saw lives change as a Catharos group leader. Catharos changes. lives because it addresses the core issue in pornography's addictive behavior, the heart of man.

No, no, that's not the, if you think it was the heart, you've been tugging on the wrong place the whole time, man. I hate to tell you that. Okay, but what about teaching kids? Great question. Don't worry, Lane's got you covered with another master class called Catharis for students. Oh, fuck. Arming teenage boys with the power to say no.

Just below that on their student page Wait, who are they saying no too? It's, you do this to you. Porn hub, they yell at the screen. Just below that, it says, 11, that is the tender age. Our kids are being exposed to pornography. The porn kingpins are waging a war

for the souls of our children. It's time we equip them to win this battle. I am not exaggerating when I say I would rather give my son free reign through my Pornhub's search history than have him learn about porn from Blaine. Right, yeah, right. No, and the latter is far more abusive, yes.

Yeah. And if you're interested in Catharis for students, you can get the group curriculum bundle for $149. Wait, hold on, hold on, I'm being told they are slashing prices for a long time only. It's just $75. And that comes with a set of...

I'm glad I didn't answer yet. You did not. Good work. Way to hold out. You're breaking my balls, but I'm slashing prices. That makes one of us. For $75, you'll get a set of field journals for the kids. The journal is called 30 Days to Purity of Heart.

Do you jerk off? No. Do you jerk off? No. It's basically it. According to Blaine, quote, journaling, scripture memorization,

and a clear blueprint. for a life free from porn are all a part of this practical resource. And you also get access to his video series. I watched a little bit. He has a teaser in there. He sits in front of hot rod cars

and like shiny crumbed out engines and he tells kids to stop masturbating. Yeah, right. Yeah, no, these perverts are the reason that I have to spend so much time thinking about what 11 year old boys are doing with their penises. And that brings us to our next amazing vacation together.

Buddy vacation to Blaine's Inpatient Rehab Center for Porn Addiction. This is real. It's called the House of Resurrection. Oh, come on. Seriously, you're making it too easy, man. So here's what I learned at House of Resurrection. Life, which was under Blaine Bartell.com. Very first thing, we're told that Hope has an address.

That address is in Wagner, Oklahoma, just east of Tulsa, like a 45-minute drive. And it's near a lake. They have a lake near their thing. They describe their venue as a picturesque residential healing center where they serve men in crisis with a program called the men's freedom intensive. According to Blaine, freedom. belongs to you. The men's freedom intensive is the pathway to freedom for any man who has struggled with porn and sexual compulsion. This two-day residential program will

provide it's fast. Yeah. It'll provide the wisdom. I bet it seems like a long time when you're not jerking off. It might. But just during those two days at this residential program, you'll be provided the wisdom, tools, and healing for lasting freedom. And then it says, come on in. No, don't come. And also don't bring a fucking black light. He talks like Tobias Fungay so much. It seems like it's almost on purpose.

I don't think it is. Here's the pitch for the men's freedom intensive. Your marriage can't afford another failure. That's the first thing it says. Yeah, that's how Anna responded when I asked to be Polly. So I guess. That's what I said to Anne when she proposed to me. you promised yourself it was the last time you swore you'd never do it again yet here you are

stuck in the same cycle clicking hiding deleting and drowning in shame deleting like downloading you downloading yeah fucking weird continuing let me get a screen capture on this one and if you're married your wife knows maybe she doesn't have all the details but she feels the distance nobody takes that long to poop the tension is growing and so is the risk porn and sexual addiction don't just steal your integrity they rob you of intimacy trust and the very life you were meant to live and that says your life it says two days that will change your life a full year of personal aftercare to keep you free should i google aftercare to make sure it doesn't have any associations outside of spiritual support to stop jerking it?

Nah, how bad could it be? Okay, I feel like maybe they're doing aftercare for people who relapse. I feel like that might be happening. So here's the list of key components you get during the rehab. You'll get the eight-week Catharos program, plus two days of transformation at the House of Resurrection, skilled and compassionate therapy, including trauma and healing work. Well, they will include trauma at no extra cost, yeah.

Marital Trust Restoration Practices, sacred routine formation, including deep spiritual renewal. I thought this was about not masturbating. Five acres of timber and tranquility, with plenty of room for therapeutic recreation activities, and most importantly, a full year of... aftercare with blame and all of that by the way is christ-centered and neuroscience backed once again sick nope no pretty sure those two hyphenations cannot legally be linked with an and no they cannot okay but don't answer yet still don't answer yet okay i haven't told you about the facility itself which is beautiful they included some photos of the property and also a photo of a nice boat taking a

on a lake. At first I figured this was the lake they mentioned and they have a boat. But then I saw watermarks for Stocksy.com on that photo. So it's just some guy on a boat somewhere. There's a concept of a lake is what we meant.

That being said, they do have a fire pit with Adirondack chairs around the side of it, a dedicated cornhole area and they might have a guitar guy. I love this pick, though, because Heath has included a bunch of pictures here, including

guitar guy. And you know, this starts with Jerry going, you got to get a picture of me with my guitar, right? And it ends with him going, okay, but one more with me doing the hoodie and the flannel, though, right? Right? Podcast listener, I don't know much, but I know that nothing would make Heath happier than a day trip to the House of Resurrection to destroy these half-chub-carrying Christians in Cornwall. That is the gift I have for him. I want to go and just masturbate constantly, just the whole time. What are they going to do?

I'm relapsing again. Everybody lock eyes with me. I'm relapsing. I need help. I need to have to care. Blaine, I need after care. I need after care. And I need during care.

Come on, man. Jerry, play something that's not arousing. I can't do it. Don't do Wonderwall again. Okay, so I'm sensing you might still have some questions. questions. That's totally natural. Maybe you're wondering something from the FAQ page. Oh, good. Question. How many men suffer a relapse after residential treatment? Answer, recidivism rates in the sexual addiction industry are alarming. Eight out of 10 men who attend

long-term treatment programs completely relapse within 12 months. Our long-term success rates with men are over 70%. Both. Either that, or they aren't more honest with us than they are with their spouses. It's one of those two things. Yeah. What do you think they meant by completely relapse? Like you do a half a jerk? They go all the way.

They go all the way back. They don't just like take a little bit. We're talking about stuff up their butt relapse. Okay. All right. Here's another important one from the FAQ. Question. Do I have to tell my wife about my struggle? Answer. Blaine believes disclosure at

some point to your spouse is an important step in finding freedom. However, the how, when, and where are critical. Blaine will help you understand and discern this process, but ultimately, this decision is up to you. Okay, so a podcast listener is a little science experiment. When I read this paragraph in our notes, I turned to my wife and I said, Anna, I masturbate. And her response was, I'm playing Tales of the Shire. Please don't interrupt me. So let's get down to brass tacks. Yeah, way too sharp.

You're going to start with a pinky, everybody. All it's going to cost you to get yourself a three-day, two-night, inpatient rehab in Oklahoma, with Christian men who think their wives hate them because they're porn addicts. They think that's the reason. All that's going to cost is $1,500. Reasonable. Payment plan. available. And again, don't take my word for it. According to BG of Vancouver, he's smarter than

the guy who gave his first and last name to this website. I feel like right away. Sure is. It sure is. According to BG of Vancouver, quote, I did my research. Programming similar to Blaine's cost multiplied thousands of dollars. I would have paid twice as much for all that Blaine poured into me Oh, come on. End exact quote. Fraising. Okay, I'm just saying, patrons, if you fundraise me $1,500 plus however much the Pina Colada mix, I can sneak into my luggage, we'll talk.

We have one hell of a prank on our hands, people. Okay. One other important component. If you're the type of guy who just explored the entire site from Blaine Bartel, you're probably concerned about the debilitating pornography addictions of the women. in your life. And once again, the FAQ has you covered. Question, does Blaine work with women who suffer from sexual addiction? Answer, he does not. In fact, he treats really hard not to think about that existing at all for a living. That's what he does. However, there's also a version of

the rehab program for couples being torn apart by Pornhub called The Marriage Intensive. And, I feel like all of us might be in that exact situation, depending on the vacation schedule for Lucinda Ann and Ann, and how much all three of them want to lean into this bit. According to Blaine, if you're willing to do the work, this intensive is for you. God is not finished with your story. Podcast listener, he has included a picture from, I assume, this program in our notes. And the best description of the couple pictured in this photo is at gunpoint. or not they are.

It is the best description of them. And the price, by the way, for the couple's rehab is $2,500. And I think we can all agree. That's a bargain to save your marriage and your eternal soul.

Oh, yeah, big time. Blainebartell.com. God awful websites. Signing off. Before, we take our place in your memory, I want to remind you that you meant to hop over to Godolpham MoviesLive.com and get your tickets to the Noron's live show on September 27th at the end of this show.

VIP and Platinum Night tickets are still available, but they will sell out fast. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,000, 22 minutes with more. If you can't wait that, long be to look up for a brand new episode of our sister's hot friend, God Offen Movies, being at 7 Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our half-stress-s citation needed to be being at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would lack showness. If I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being so damn compliment him.

that I'm still finding new ways to compliment him 648 episodes in. I'd like to thank Eli Bosnick for starting later and for being real sport about the way I always make them the butt of these jokes. I also want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda illusions who will be back next week, I do believe. I also want to thank DJ for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. And hey, if you heard that Farnsworth quote, and you were like, what the fuck does balloon art speaking out against fascism look like?

I would strongly encourage you to go to balloonsinbold.com Or check the show notes for a link. You will not be disappointed. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best bipeds. Trevor Natalie, the Coffee Mancer, David, other David, David, Carrie, Gridfire, Chris, Magenta by five, and Stubbs, the three-footed rescue dragon. Trevor, Natalie, and the Coffee Mancer, whose punches register on the Richter scale and whose kicks register off of it. David, David, Carrie, and Gridfire, whose IQs are so high Starlink satellites, fuck up the pictures of them, and Chris Magenta and Stubbs, whose coolness is what's going to finally dissipate this heat dome.

Together, these 10 mellifluous mammals managed to maximize our message of mindful management of monotheistic madness by meeting out some money. Not everybody has the illiterate of qualities it takes to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per episode donation to a Patreon.com slash Scathing Atheis, whereby you'll earn really access to an extended ad-free version of our episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at Scathinga-Alius.com. And if you'd like to help it help but you're saving all your money

for having more money, you can also help a ton by living the five-star review, telling a friend about the show and following us on social media. And speaking of social media, Tim, and our audio engineer is Martin Clark who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments or death, On the contact tempo on the contact page, it's skating aadys.com.

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