The Unbelievable Truth - 26x06 Singing, Shopping, Moths, Football

Episode Date: February 20, 2022

26x06 30 August 2021 Lucy Porter, Neil Delamere, Sally Phillips, Frankie Boyle Singing, Shopping, Moths, Football

We present The Unbelievable Truth, the panel game built on truth and lies. In the chair, please welcome David Mitchell. Hello and welcome to The Unbelievable Truth, the panel show about incredible truths and barely credible lies. I'm David Mitchell. Many of us are emerging from a year of lockdown having learnt some surprising new skills. Personally, I'm delighted at how much my boxing's improved.

I've lost count of the number of orders I've sent back to Amazon. Please welcome Frankie Boyle, Neil Delamere, Lucy Porter and Sally Phillips. The rules are as follows. Each panellist will present a short lecture that should be entirely false, save for five hidden truths which their opponent should try to identify. Points are scored by truths that go unnoticed, while other panellists can win points if they spot a truth

or lose points if they mistake a lie for a truth. First up is Lucy Porter. Lucy is 4 foot 11 inches tall. Her ambition is one day to make it onto one of the scary rides at Alton Towers. Lucy, your subject is singing, the act of producing musical sounds with the voice. Off you go, Lucy. Fingers on buzzers, the rest of you. Singing was first invented by the Romans in 620 BC.

Before then, everyone just used to hum. Opera was invented in 1772 by Sir Sidney Opera House. Famous operas include The Barber of Waterlooville, Madame Setsi Fly and We Will Rock You. Sally? We Will Rock You is a rock opera, isn't it? It's called a rock opera. It was actually called a jukebox musical, not a rock opera.

And also, I think even if it was called a rock opera, I think opera purists would say that a rock opera was not an opera. OK, I'll go for the other one then. Am I losing a point every time I guess wrong? Oh, yes, yeah, yeah, that's... LAUGHTER Is that where I came last? That's the game.

I was wondering why it was fun. LAUGHTER Please don't ask that question. Are you going to guess another one? No, I won't go for The Barber of Waterlooville then, because I've got something to lose now, which I did not understand before. No, I actually don't think you have anything to lose now.

All right, Barber of Waterlooville, I'm going to say that. Yeah, that's not true. I'm still just amazed that We Will Rock You just couldn't even bring themselves to call themselves a musical and had to add a qualifier. Oh, if you're expecting a full musical... No, we're just a jukebox musical. Has anyone seen it? No.

No. I mean, yes. Millions. Have you seen it? But no, I haven't seen it. Kenneth Branagh is doing a musical about the life of the Bee Gees. Is he? Yeah. Who's he playing? All of them. Who are the Bee Gees? Morris... Is that the Bee Gees is he yeah who's he playing all of them who were the Bee Gees Morris is that the beach you asking me who the Bee Gees you've come to the wrong place to find out who the Bee Gees were Morris Robin and Barry was the big one the scary one with the highest voice

this is like a conversation on old people's voice this is like a conversation and old people that's gonna be incredibly out of place and ready for Lucy amid its songs of pain and misery the musical genre called the blues includes screaming Jay Hawkins'r sgrin, blues haemeroid ledbellys a blues ffyrdd Lemon Jeffersons'u symud, oh na, rydw i wedi llwyddo fy llyfrau mewn y car eto. Yn ymwneud â'r cwmnïau sydd wedi dod o hyd i atebion ddysgu i'r problem o gofio'r cwn a'r lyrau ar yr un pryd yw Tom Jones sydd â llyfn i that relays the words to him Mick Jagger who uses an autocue and Dame Kiri Takanoa who has the entirety of

Strauss's De Rosenkavalier on her left arm as a sleeve tattoo Sally Come on one of those has got to be true I keep getting these lists I believe that Tom Jones has words in an earpiece No not as far as we know. DeRozan Cavalier is a sleeve tattoo. I hate to say it, but I'm sorry to say.

That's not true. I know that's not true. That's obviously not true. This would be staking another point. No, I'm not going to sacrifice a point so easily. She looks tough, though, doesn't she, Dame Kiri? She looks like she could take a tattoo. Sleeve tattoo, though, that's just a fake. No, no, no, no, no.

A sleeve tattoo is the name of a tattoo that's on your arm. I've got a sleeve tattoo that you just put it on. It's like a pair of tights. That's a glove. Yeah, I'm wearing a body tattoo. Some people call it a dress, but, you know... On a cold day, I like to wear hand socks. So you're not guessing for another one, Sally?

You're like a problem gambler in a casino. Just one more roll of the dice. I'll go for Mick Jagger's one. You're going for Mick Jagger? Yeah. Oh, this is going to be very bad for you because you are right. Mick Jagger? Yeah. Oh, this is going to be very bad for you because you are right. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, Mick Jagger uses an autocue. During the Rolling Stones' Bigger Bang tour, 63-year-old Mick Jagger at the time had an autocue on stage to remind him of the lyrics to the band's songs and the name of the city where they were performing. It also provided his in-between song ad libs. Celebrities' taste in songs tends to be oh-so-predictable. It's no surprise that the Queen bought no less than six

big-mouthed Billy Bass singing fish for Balmoral, Vladimir Putin has been filmed dancing shirtless to the village people and renowned atheist Professor Richard Dawkins likes nothing better than belting out Christmas carols. Neil? I think one of those as a ring of veracity to it So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna get my esteemed panelists to guess which one using Morse code I'll go for the last one. Richard Dawkins likes a good old Christmas carol.

You're absolutely right. Yes, Professor Richard Dawkins, author of The God Delusion, has admitted he celebrates Christmas and enjoys singing traditional Christmas carols. Quote, I actually love the genuine Christmas carols. What I can't bear are the ones that make no mention of religion like jingle bells and Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer dreadful tunes and even more dreadful words he sounds like a difficult man Lucy in the animal kingdom song is a universal part of communication and

mating rituals true in the animal, song is a universal? I don't think it's a universal part of communication. You don't get a point and yet you do lose a point. Do I really though? Do I actually lose one for that? I think that was ambiguous. Audience, do you think I lose one for that? That's what's known in the game as a miscalculation. And that's why I'm not a stand-up comedian. That was Theresa May snap election time. That's about it. Should we have a vote? Oh, shit!

Never trust the public. Lucy. Giraffes attract a partner through a complex system of rhythmic tongue-clicking. Neil. Well, in my experience... LAUGHTER Yeah, you can't move in the Serengeti for one giraffe looking at another giraffe going...

They absolutely love them. That's not true, unfortunately. While humpback whales can sing non-stop for 20 hours, which is why you should never book into an Airbnb next door to them. Frankie. I bet they can. What else have they got to do? You're absolutely right, they can. Yep.

Male humpback whales have been recorded singing for up to 20 hours without a break. In 2017, the Office for National Statistics recorded poor singing as the third most common cause cited in divorce proceedings in England, right behind disputes over how to load the dishwasher and constantly trying and failing to guess the murderer throughout every episode of Death In Paradise.

I was in Death In Paradise and everyone said I came on and everyone went, well, it wasn't her. My husband was in it. They film it in Guadeloupe in the Caribbean and he went over during lockdown in December, beginning of December, for two weeks in the Caribbean. I was pleased for him. of December for two weeks in the Caribbean.

I was pleased for him. That is the number one cause of divorce in our house. Thank you, Lucy. And at the end of that round, Lucy, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that the musical genre called the blues includes screaming Jay Hawkins, constipation blues, which includes the lines, I don't think I can take much more.

I got a pain down inside. It won't be denied. Every time I try, I can't be satisfied. Let it go. Splash, splash. Maybe, maybe I'm going to be all right. That's a nice journey there. And the second truth is that the Queen bought no less than six

big-mouthed Billy Bass singing fish for Balmoral. And that means, Lucy, you've scored two points. African-American singer Screaming Jay Hawkins was famous for a song called constipation blues and if you're interested in buying the record I'm afraid it's still not out Okay, we turn now to Neil Delamere Neil recently presented a documentary on his Viking roots titled the only Viking in the village He traced his ancestry back hundreds of years, or, as the DUP would call it, to the beginning of the world. Neil, your subject is shopping,

the act of purchasing goods, typically by visiting a shop or online retailer. Off you go, Neil. There is nothing I enjoy more than shopping. I always enjoy signing autographs for fans while shopping, though I find it can be awkward while I'm browsing the shelves in Anne Summers. Not least because I need all my strength

just to carry my basket. You can imagine my relief when they opened a branch in Mecca, where I am blissfully undisturbed. Speaking of Saudi Arabia, in 2019, Argos airbrushed all women out of their catalogue in Saudi Arabia. Sally. Did they? Did they do that?

Airbrushed all the women out of the Argos catalogue in Saudi Arabia? Sally. Did they? Did they do that? Airbrush all the women out of the Argos catalogue in Saudi Arabia. Actually, I would retract that. Women are allowed to shop in Saudi Arabia. No, they didn't. Lucy. Well, if she's not having it, I might want it. It's very much like shopping. I've seen her pick it up, I've seen her look at it, and I'm like, I'm having that bitch.

Wouldn't suit you anyway. So there's the Anselmers in Mecca, there's the Argos catalogue airbrushing out women. Yes, that's it. Can I have a buy one get one free on those? It's taking two buzzes. But ideally I'd only lose one point.

No, no, no, no. The situation is, if they're both not true, you'll lose two points. If one of them's not true, it's like this never happened, except we're all a bit older. If they're both true, you win two points. I feel like a splurge. I'll go for both. So you go for both. This is really high roller stuff.

OK, you've broken even. One's true and the other isn't. Would you like to guess which? No, I'll tell you. There is an Anne Summers branch in Mecca. That's true and the other isn't. Would you like to guess which? LAUGHTER No, I'll tell you. There is an Ann Summers branch in Mecca, that's true, but there are no Argos's in Saudi Arabia at all, so there was no airbrushing of the Saudi Arabian Argos catalogue. I just couldn't conceive of there being a place where there was no Argos.

That's awful. Yeah. I mean, there's many bad things about Saudi Arabia, but not having an Argos, God. In 2000, Ann Summers was granted permission to open 22 shops in the Middle East, including one at the International Mall in the holy city of Mecca. You won't find sex toys there, as they're illegal, but you can still purchase exotic lingerie, leather goods

and PVC bodyware. I do delight in supermarket shopping. I especially love all the things you can get in cans. From pickled goat through sperm whale fillets to delicious silkworm pupae which if correctly stimulated in your gut will mean you merely defecate a small cravat.

Sally? I think you can probably get the first two of those in cans. Pickled goat and sperm whale fillets. Yeah. You can't. Sorry to disappoint you. Not even at Argos. I'm now going to lose

confidence because all the truths are still sitting in there. Sorry, now you're going to lose confidence. The current Earl of Sandwich has set up a chain of sandwich shops called Earl of Sandwich has set up a chain of sandwich shops called Earl of Sandwich, although he might have been better off using his real name, which is Peter Amoge.

I think he has. I think he has. I think he was on Dragon's Den. Well, I don't know whether he was on Dragon's Den, but he has, Sally, you're right. Yeah. Yes, there's a sandwich chain called Earl of Sandwich, owned by the Earl of Sandwich. The franchise

currently has 37 locations, mostly in the USA. Anyone who has to take two buses to get to the shops then struggled home must envy Barbara Streisand, who has a shopping mall in the basement of her own home. Themed outlets there include a wellness centre named Mind Your Yental Health.

Lucy. Yes, she does. I've seen it and I love it and I envy her. Have you seen it? Yeah. What, on television? Yeah, and it looks like a shopping centre from the 70s and I would love to live there. That's my ideal place to live.

Is it like a toy shopping centre? No, it's a proper shopping centre. But she's the only shopper? Yeah. She's mad. Well, it's absolutely true. Barbara Streisand has built a shopping mall in the basement of her Malibu home.

Among the storefronts are a doll shop, a costume shop and a functioning candy store where she serves guests frozen yoghurt. Although critics of her mall say it has always lacked the two ingredients that would make it a real American shopping mall, McDonald's and a mass shooting shopkeepers have always gone out of the way to promote their products in Roman times gladiators in the Coliseum would shout out product endorsements to the crowd like my name is Maximus Decimus Meridius and I have been injured in an accident that work

that wasn't my fault. Thank you, Neil. And at the end of that round, Neil, you've managed to smuggle two truths past the rest of the panel, which are that among the things you can get in cans, the true one was silkworm pupae. And the second truth is that in Roman times, gladiators in the Colosseum would shout out product endorsements to the crowd.

The makers of the film Gladiator planned to show this. In the original script, Maximus does a product endorsement for olive oil, but they abandoned the idea out of a fear that the audiences wouldn't believe it. And that means, Neil, you've scored two points. Next up is Sally Phillips.

Sally was born in Hong Kong, or as the Chinese call it, China. Sally, your subject is moths, insects similar to butterflies that commonly fly about at night. Off you go, Sally. In 2017, biologists identified a previously unknown species of moth which has a silky yellow patch on ginger beer, lime and moths. Children in the audience of Oscar Wilde's The Butterfly Prince will know that every time you clap your hands, a moth dies.

In fact, Wilde believed that there are moths that stand guard over children at night, and if you listen hard in the dark, you can hear them singing as they gather to drink the tears of sleeping birds. Lucy. Oscar Wilde believed that moths guarded children at night. No, he didn't. OK. Glad we've cleared that up. Yep. Lucy. No, he didn't. OK. Glad we've cleared that up. Yep.

Neil. Well, there's things that are true and there's things I want to be true. The ultrasonic song of the moth's melodious wedding tackle. Neil? Well, there's things that are true and there's things I want to be true. Well, I'm happy to tell you that that is true. Yay! Yes, both male and female moths, specifically hawk moths, have been observed rubbing their genitals along their abdomens rapidly to create ultrasound clicks as a self-defense mechanism to interfere with the hunting calls of bats

when i was little i did think moth balls were actual balls of moths well i mean i say little i mean until very very recently no because i'd never seen moth balls so I just presumed that to deter a moth, you would display their genitals. Oh, I see, like a little warning. The last moth that came here, we cut his balls off. Exactly. Yeah, did you think that this was industrialised,

like that there was a factory somewhere? What do you do? Well, you won't believe what I do. Moth castrator. Yeah, just... No wonder they're flying into flames flames just to try and kill themselves. Or possibly to cauterise a wound. Why would they need to cauterise the wound? Because their balls have been cut off.

Have you not been listening to the last two minutes? I have, but in this scenario, the ball cutting off happens as a sort of separate industrial process. But there would always be one man who would go, I'm not paying that. I'll do it myself. Oh, Dad's down in the shed again, cutting the balls off moths. In their first year of life, all young moths look alike

until they develop their full adult plumage. Only then can you identify genuine moth species, which include the speckled Bavarian, the twin-spotted Goik, the Quaker tradesperson, the ruddy highflyer, the dotted lowflyer, or the fretful skidmark.

Frankie. Is the ruddy highflyer a moth? You're right, it is. I mean... Is the ruddy high flyer a moth? You're right, it is. APPLAUSE Absolutely, you've expertly removed the balls from those lies. Just don't look in my shed. Helena Bonham Carter called her daughter Moth Bonham Burton to please her ex-husband, the director Tim Burton. Moth Mad Burton produced moth-based movie remakes

such as Black Hawk Moth Down, The Grapes of Moth... ..and What's Eating Gilbert's Drapes? Eric Carle actually wrote a follow-up to his book, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, called The Very Hungry Moth. In it, a beautiful moth flies in through a window and chomps its way through an entire wardrobe, from undies to overcoat. However, before it could be published, Carl discovered that moths don't actually eat clothes, and it had to be pulped. Thank you, Sally. And at the end of that round, Sally,

you've managed to smuggle three truths past the rest of the panel, which are that there are moths that drink the tears of sleeping birds. Tear-feeding moths are known to exist elsewhere in the world, but they mainly feed on larger animals, such as deer, turtles and crocodiles. But there are no such large animals on Madagascar. The second truth ism mis 2017, fe wnaeth biologaethau ddysgu ar ffyniad o ffyniad anwybyddaf sydd â llaw o ysgol ymlaen ar ei chyffyrdd ac genhedlau cyffredinol.

Roeddant yn ei alw'n Donald Trump Eye Neopalpa. A'r llaw tair, mae ffynion ddim yn bwyta clyw, mae eu llawau'n gwneud y bwytau. Ac mae hynny'n golygu, Sally, that you've scored three points. APPLAUSE In 2019, the National Trust for Scotland solved a moth problem in a 17th-century house by freezing the house's entire contents. They turned the heating off for a week in June.

Just minutes after a moth alighted on the cheek of Cristiano Ronaldo during the 2016 Euro final, more than 50 Twitter accounts were opened in the moth's name. Not that Ronaldo knew much about it, as he was still rolling on the floor, clutching his face. It's now the turn of Frankie Boyle. Your subject, Frankie, is football or soccer, a game played between two teams of 11 people

in which each team tries to win by kicking a ball into their opponent's goal. Off you go, Frankie. Football was invented in the 1980s. The brainchild of former Shadow Secretary of Education, Michael Foote, and comedian Bobby Ball. The fastest red card in football history was two seconds. Lee Todd was sent off for foul language after he exclaimed,

F*** me, that was loud. F*** the starting whistle. Neil? I don't think you could get sent off any quicker than that, so I'm going to go that's true. It's absolutely true, yes. Yet in a Somerset Sunday League game in the year 2000, Cross Park Farm Celtic striker Lee Todd was sent off after just two seconds.

According to Todd, we were about to kick off and the referee reminded us about swearing, like he normally did. And as he walked past me, he blew the whistle for kick-off right in my ear. I bent down, muttered, **** me, that was loud. And the next thing I knew, I had a red card in my face. Todd was also fined £27 and banned for 35 days. Unlike some other sports,

the Premiership has never lost its soul in the pursuit of money. And at least the FA takes racism so seriously that they've promoted the recent growth of women's football in the hope of luring the most problematic fans over to misogyny instead. Statisticians believe that any random sample of England fans throwing stools through a Belgian cafe window has a 90% chance of containing someone known as Fat Alan. chance of containing someone known as Fat Alan. The amount of physical affection a player gets after a goal would take the average man 15 Father's Days and a wife's funeral to achieve. In 2004, a petition was launched to introduce drugs to the sport

from people who couldn't bear to watch Scottish football sober. Football games are the only sporting events that have never been abandoned because of adverse weather conditions. However, they have been called off due to human remains being found under the centre circle, sexually aggressive earthworms, a general sense of ennui, and most recently in Chile, when a goldmouth was haunted. Neil. It's ridiculous as I say it, but the goalmouth being haunted in Chile, they called the game off.

It's not true. Because there were sexually aggressive earthworms who had died there many years before. No, no, you went for the goalmouth. Sally? I'll go for human remains. Human remains under the centre circle. That is not true either. You also lose a point. Lucy? Shamelessly goal-hanging, I'm going for the sexually aggressive earthworms.

That is also not true. Oh! The first ever football chant was written by Edward Elgar. He called it Land of Hope and Glory and meant it to be sung sarcastically. It's incredible Iceland play football at all, as Iceland doesn't have a word for ball or foot and has more volcanoes than professional footballers.

Sally? More volcanoes than professional footballers. Correct. APPLAUSE Yes. Iceland has 126 volcanoes and, at the last count, 120 professional footballers. Football mascots in the UK include Watford's Thomas Stevenson,

the gay tomato, Newport County's Baphomet, Archduke of Hell, and Colchester United's Othello, who for one controversial season was played by Derek Jacoby. Up until the introduction of standard UK postcodes, Merseyside resident Anne Field would receive upwards of two sacks of fan mail a week. When England played Germany in Berlin in 1938, the entire English team gave a Nazi salute.

Neil? Yeah, I think they might have done that in 1938. Yeah, they did. Well done. Yeah. On 14th May 1938, as the English team lined up in Berlin's Olympic Stadium alongside their German counterparts, Captain Eddie Hapgood and his team-mates, which included the legendary Stanley Matthews, gave a Nazi salute to the crowd.

It was part of Neville Chamberlain's policy of appeasement and a direct order from the Foreign Office, but the gesture provoked outrage in the British press at the time. England and Scotland play as themselves rather than Great Britain as football is set in a utopian future paradise. In tournaments, it's always been difficult for the English football team to find a referee who isn't biased against them, despite UEFA's best attempts to find officials

who know absolutely nothing about world history. But in any case, most World Cup referees have little time for history as they're too busy learning swear words and other languages. Sally? Do they make them learn swear words and other languages? They do, yeah. According to Brazilian referee Altamir Haussmann, we have to learn what kinds of words the players say.

All players swear, and we know we will hear a few. And that's the end of Frankie's lecture. And at the end of that round, Frankie, you've managed to smuggle one truth past the rest of the panel, which is that the first ever football chant was written by Edward Elgar. Elgar was a keen fan of Wolverhampton Wanderers and would cycle more than 40 miles from his home in Malvern to see them play. For

his football anthem, Elgar took a phrase used to describe Wolves striker Billy Malpass in an 1898 newspaper report of a 4-2 victory over Stoke. He banged the leather for goal and set it to music. And that means, Frankie, that you've scored one point. Which brings us to the final scores. In fourth place, with minus two points, we have Sally Phillips. In joint second place, with one point each, it's Lucy Porter and Frankie Boyle.

And in first place, with an unassailable three points, it's this week's winner, Neil Delamere. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's about it for this week. Goodbye. MUSIC PLAYS The Unbelievable Truth was devised by John Naismith and Graham Garden and featured David Mitchell in the chair, with panellists Lucy Porter, Neil Delamere, Sally Phillips and Frankie Boyle.

The chairman's script was written by Dan Gaster and Colin Swash and the producer was John Nesbitt. It was a random production from BBC Radio 4.