This Past Weekend - #574 - Mark Normand

Episode Date: April 8, 2025

Mark Normand is a stand-up comedian and podcaster. You can see him live on tour this year, and also check out his podcasts “Tuesdays with Stories” and “We Might Be Drunk”.  Mark Normand returns to talk about becoming a new dad, the uncertain future of Hooters, and his new show “Page to Stage” where he follows comedians as they write and perform new jokes for the first time.  Mark Normand: https://www.instagram.com/marknormand/ ------------------------------------------------ Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://www.theovonstore.com ------------------------------------------------- Sponsored By: Celsius: Go to the Celsius Amazon store to check out all of their flavors. #CELSIUSBrandPartner #CELSIUSLiveFit https://amzn.to/3HbAtPJ DraftKings: Download the DraftKings Pick Six app NOW and use code THEO. That’s code THEO for new customers to play $5, get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Better payouts. Bigger wins. Only with Pick6 from DraftKings. The Crown is yours. https://draftkings.com  BlueChew: Go to http://bluechew.com and use code THEO to try your first month of BlueChew for free - just pay $5 shipping.  Rocket Money: Go to http://rocketmoney.com/theo to cancel your unwanted subscriptions with Rocket Money. ESPN Plus UFC: Go to http://espnplus.com/theo to buy now and tune-in to UFC 314 on Saturday, April 12 at 10pm ET. ------------------------------------------------- Gambling Problem? Call one eight hundred gambler. Help is available for problem gambling. Call eight eight eight seven eight nine seven seven seven seven, or visit c c p g dot org in Connecticut. Must be eighteen plus, age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdiction. Pick6 not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Bonus awarded as non-withdrawable Pick Six Credits that expire in fourteen days. Limited time offer. See terms at pick six dot draftkings dot com slash promos. ------------------------------------------------- Music: “Shine” by Bishop Gunn Bishop Gunn - Shine ------------------------------------------------ Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [e-mail] Hit the Hotline: [phone] Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: https://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 1906 Glen Echo Rd PO Box #159359 Nashville, TN 37215 ------------------------------------------------ Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips Shorts Channel: https://bit.ly/3ClUj8z ------------------------------------------------ Producer: Zach https://www.instagram.com/zachdpowers Producer: Trevyn https://www.instagram.com/trevyn.s/  Producer: Nick https://www.instagram.com/realnickdavis/ Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I'm going to let you know we have these new hoodies, the onward hoodies in the merch shop. These are my favorite template of, um, of hoodie ever that we've ever had. I think you will love them and enjoy them. Um, they're at Theo von store.com. And, uh, thank you so much for your support. Today's guest is a stand-up comedian. Uh, he has two podcasts Tuesdays with stories with Joe List and we might be drunk with Sam Morrill. Uh, he's touring all over.

this year. He's a one of one. He's a new father, and he has a new series out called Page to Stage, where comedians take something from their notebook and you see it build

until it gets performed. Today's guest is a one-of-one my Louisiana brethren, Mr. Mark Norman. Are you flying out today? Yeah, my stepdad is sick, so I got to go see him. I'm all bummed.

I wanted to be there for Kill Tony. Oh, yeah. Are you doing it? Doing it with Kid Rock, so that'll be, I'm going to try to, I'm going to really sing him. That's the only way I can get to him, because if I do it at his house, he'll, you know, sick his security guards on me and call me the N-word. Dude, I didn't know. Oh, yeah. Dude, he has a dog that can say the N-word I saw.

Was it a, what, Black Lab, I hope? Oh, yeah, dude. BLM, bro. Black Labs matter. Of course it is, dude. Hopefully, it's not a German Shepherd. He thought a black lab was a place where they took. tested barbecue sauce. I was like, here, get on Mike.

That's where they make sickle cell. I was like, bro, that's not. I was like, Bob, you got the wrong idea, man. So, so you're doing Kill Tony coming up. Tonight, yeah. Tonight. Oh, yeah, the, what is it, the Bridgestone? Oh, yeah. Yeah, very exciting.

I feel like Nate Bargazzi. Yeah, I know, huh? Have you done one on that big of a level? That's big, man. No, no, I've done the arena shows, but I've never done like a panel with jokes and zingers. and that's going to be weird just making fun of these poor open micers in front of 20,000 people.

Dude, and imagine them getting up there that many people. They're going to be shook. Oh, yeah. How could you have a good set? That's insane. I mean, it's like losing your virginity to Pamela Anderson.

Well, that's a dated. Who's the new hot lady? Who is it now? Oprah. No, it's... Rihanna. Who do the kids like? Oh, ah.

Sidney, Sweeney. That's a good one. Look at the tits on Dickless. God. Oh, wow. Holy hachy-machi. She seems like a beautiful young lady, huh? Very attractive. She just got to separate it from her husband. Oh, hey, you're in.

That's slurplored. I thought about sending her a message, but I don't know what I would say. Hey, say nice yams, bitch. Oh, yeah, that's true, dude. I think she wants that. No one talks to her like that anymore, so it's probably turn her on. You think, oh, I'll definitely say something about that vegetation. Yeah, she's got some crop circles. Oh, yeah, brother, gang. Is that the ex?

That guy looks like an ugly me. Oh, man, I feel great. Yeah, that guy definitely fumbled the breast. Yeah, right? Yeah, I mean, he looks like an Uber driver. Yeah, dude, it would take you 70 minutes to get her bra on, I think. Yeah, that's a lot to compact in there. Oh, you would have to have a buddy.

You would almost have to be like two of those guys doing that slingshot. or whatever? Yeah, it's like trying to get leaves in a bag. Oh, yeah, dude, wow. Look, that is a lovely, lovely lady. It's good to know a blonde with huge cans. That's back. Fuck, yeah, that's a great point, dude.

Yeah, she could be anything. We need flight attendants like this now. Ooh, yeah, good. They're all gay now. Oh, they're all gay. Even you, a woman, like you're, I remember trying to hit on this lady, and she'll be like, I'd love to go out with you, but I'm only going to be a woman for, like, another week.

And I was like, what the fuck, man. Oh, damn. That's what this flight attendant said. I was like, oh, come on. Good Lord. Where's she connecting in Transville? I know, dude. Yeah, that's crazy.

Transville's vein, yeah. Yeah, they're all gay now. They used to be very attractive. It's like these sky homos. They've taken over the air. Yeah, dude. It is, dude, I feel like when you get on, you have to protect your straightness. The second you get on there, I lock in.

Dude, I tell my penis, I say, you know what we're here for. We're just here to get from A to B. Right, right. Do not look around. Yes, yes. They're going to tempt you. It'll be like a kind of a guy, you know, like a guy possibly dressed as a woman walking through with liquor or snacks. Or those goldfish.

My penis loves goldfish. Oh, love a goldfish. So, but do not look over there. You stay straight. We're just, we're going to Cincinnati. Exactly. No place straighter than Cincinnati. That is a straight.

town right there. It is, dude. They eat chilly and watch football. Oh, but wait, hold on. You said something. Oh, you ever get flattered by the gay, the gay love? Yeah. That is very nice when a gay guy's like, hey, cutie or whatever, and you're like, eh, this is pretty good. Yeah. Well, because it's replacing the old thing. It's like, you still want the affection. Right. And now it's like a lot of us didn't even have dads. So it's like they're kind of coming at you with that combo meal. Oh, you get the male attention and flirty. In the female flirty. In the female flurts. Yeah, that's good. You get it in one.

That's God, I'd love to be gay. That's a lot of gay guys' thing is don't you want that combo meal. Right. You know? Andy could blow the fucking chrome off your trailer hitch. Oh, dude, can you? This is insane to be talking about. Sorry, this is God's country.

I'm just going to Cincinnati, okay? You're right, you right. That's all I'm telling you, Mark. All right, I'm already getting a layover. I'm gay over. But, dude, yeah, there's just something like, they yeah you see them and they but yeah god could you even imagine some strong guy who was probably like on the um neck team in college whatever some sporting event like the uh wrestling yeah wrestling

or something like that oh yeah and he just pins your cock to the back of his throat with his tongue or whatever easy big fella sorry that's crazy that seems anyone else hard yeah that seems crazy you're gonna make morgan wall and uncomfortable Oh, man, yeah, it's got to be nice to be the gay. What about Gloryhole? Is that real? There was one at... What?

You know of one? There was one at Louisiana State when I was at LSU. Shut the fuck up. How did I miss that? I went there for a semester. Yeah, bring up Gloryhole LSU. What? They had one.

And you know where it was? I think it was in, I want to say, the library. Whoa. Damn, they plugged that hole. Look at that. Oh, there's one right there taking a, dump in Toro. That's one of those one of the halls there. Oh, there it is

right there. Whoa. Look at that. Look at that. Damn, you could even look through there if you wanted to, too, which is nice. But it's hard to look through there when there's a wiener coming through. You take your eye out. Yeah, dude, don't be that weirder that's trying to sight see at a glory hole.

Yeah, you just got to, you got to trust the hole. You got to go with it. Whatever comes through, you've got to eat it. That's the whole. Dude, that's the original game show right there. Oh, yes, that's great. Yeah, now it's like, I'm thinking of what it's called now. It's like, the floor is lava, dude.

Right. Nothing, that has nothing on the glory hole is open. That's a great point. Yeah, and you never know who's on the other side. Could be your teacher, your brother, your pastor. I mean, that's a real gamble. Oh, yeah, it could be your pastor. It could be your future, dude.

It could be some gay, dude. You're going to, they eat a woman. Nowadays, even lesbian. will stop in there just to couture their jawline. They'll pop into a male glory hole. Yeah, but what about lesbians? They don't have any weight of glory. You can't get a clit through that wood girth. I don't know. You put the softball team in there. They'll fucking, they'll hit a single at least through that thing. Yeah, Brittany Griner could get something through that hole. Oh, damn. That's what put her in jail in Russia. I heard. Have you seen her lately? She looks like Pete Davidson.

Yeah, I could see a crossover. Why hasn't she been on SNL, I wonder? Oh. Britney. Let me see something real quick. Oh, this is all great. Thank you. Get the fuck. Whoa. Look at those dogs walking on water.

What religion is this? What fuck is that? Dude, this is that new shit, man. This is what's coming now. Right. This is the new Christianity. This will be a story in the Bible one day. Brittany Griner shoots a three-pointer.

Yeah, she looks like Deuteronomy. Damn, that was good. Thanks. God, bro. Oh, that's a pretty decent start for an episode, I feel like. Hell yeah. Well, I love Nashville. I love this town.

We did the Rhyman last night. We did Zanis after that. Drop your mic down a little bit like this. Yeah. Went to a Kid Rock's house. It was a wild night. You did? You went to Kid Rocks? Yeah, we were just out with Tony.

And Tony's like, I got a surprise for you. We jump in a car. We drive a half hour. We did it. Yeah, exactly. And what a home. Oh, you go to, there's definitely, was it just him there? Was it other people?

It was just him and like a security guy. Oh, yeah, dude. And maybe a slave. I mean, it felt like it. Big jacked, scary, like marine-looking guy. Oh, yeah. A lot of those guys love to cook when they're not fucking, like, sniping fucking Gossens on behalf of Israel. But, yeah, dude, he...

Build that wailing wall. Jesus. Dude, I heard the wailing wall. This is the most Israel thing ever. The wailing wall is an ATM in it. Is that crazy? That's hilarious. Is it?

I mean, I wouldn't be surprised. You need some cash out there if you're going to buy a little dredal, some knickknacks. Oh, I'll fucking spin gimmel on that bitch, so that's all I spend, dude. He used to call me big gimmel in a lot of back alleys. Jimmy Gimmel. And a lot of... Jimmy Gimill live. And a lot of Yiddish back alleys.

They used to call me fucking Jimmy Gimel, dog. Oh, the willing... It should have at least two ATMs at it. I can't even believe this is an issue over there. It's got it. have one, or at least a glory hole. Yeah, definitely, dude. Get that no foreskin through there.

Yeah, only in the glory holes in Israel, it says FDIC insured. FDICK insured, dude. Nice. There it is. There it is. Holy shit. The only kosher ATM in the world, that's hilarious. It just takes money from Palestinians.

It's not even your account. Yeah, dude. That's crazy. Holy moly. That's hilarious. Wow. Speaking of going abroad, you have shows coming up abroad, man. Yeah, I'm very excited. Going to London, going Australia. I love those crowds. You do? Oh, yeah. I mean, the flight's a bitch, and you get homesick, and the jet lag's a real cum-guzzler, but I love Australia. I'm pumped. Do you ever go?

Yes, man. You have to, where are you going over there? Let me see some of his dates here. You're going to Rekievik. Yeah, I think that's Iceland, right? Rick Yerikovik. Rakevik. A Reykavik. That's how they say it? Yeah, I think so. Oh, Reykavik. Yeah.

It looks like somebody who's texting with T9. Look at those vowels and consonants. Oh, yeah. Jesus, that's like a drunk text. Salford, United Kingdom, Cardiff, United Kingdom, Bristol, United Kingdom, Birmingham, London. Glasgow, you're going to fucking Glasgow, lot. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah.

Get a smash burger, lot. Yeah, I get a Glasgow smile. That's where they cut you from here to here. A Glasgow smile. Terrifying. Those scots are really scary That's gonna be incredible dude So you have those shows coming up

That's everywhere over there Yeah yeah Doing the whole gamut Just taking a train from top to bottom It's kind of shitty because you don't get to see anything You just do the show and then you leave But the crowds are great And it's a fun time

You have a couple days off A couple days off Yeah not much But I get so keyed up I gotta get back So I just do the shows and I go home Well it's hard That's one of the things people don't realize

You go to these place People like stay do this and that But then like You do five, six shows show is you're on the you're on the road then for two weeks kind of right right or you know you know try to get into and it's like well how long you want to be over you're going to be over there for three weeks a month i know you start i get that foam oh what's going on in america you start looking at jd vance memes you're like oh i miss home he's fat putting chito dust on a on a president

oh yeah they had uh they had uh one the other day that said he has up syndrome is his picture jd vance has up oh that's fun look at that guy i i think he loves it too, which is fun about him. Oh, he has the best in humor. I bet he could I honestly, I should send him one of these and see what he thinks about it. Oh, I bet he's seen all of them. I would just scroll through those at dinner if I was him. Yeah. And look, you can't do that with Obama. You know, that's a different meme, if you know what I mean. So it's good to have him be into it. Yeah, I got to see which ones he's into. I think I would like to try and get to interview him again because now he's in there. Right. And I bet it's weird in there.

Well, in the White House? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, did you see Kid Rock over there, dressed like a fucking fire cracker salesman? Oh, he was dressed like a fireman at a glory hole. Yes, yeah, fire crotch. Dude, he was dressed like the Grand Wizard of Cracker Jack. Yeah. Look at that. It looks like he's selling used cars in Bristol, Tennessee.

Oh, dude, definitely, dude. This guy looks like he could fucking sign the Constitution with his cock, dude. This guy's unbelievable. John Hancock. Yeah. Yeah. Look at this. That is a wild.

He's like a gaitriot. Oh, yeah, brother. That's it. Dude, if this photo alone doesn't get the Tiger King out of prison. Ah, right. What are we even doing? And this has got to scare the foreigners. If I was a Chinese motherfucker and I saw that, I go, we can't fuck with them.

Look at this guy. He's like an Avenger. Yeah, they're like, we made that shirt, but we didn't know he'd wear it like that. You think Zelensky sees that? And he's like, shit. I really didn't try it. dress up. Holy, I dress like a ninja. Yeah, dude. He's like, oh, I should have really showed up. He looks like the pilot for

Malaysian flight 370 or whatever. The one that went down? Yeah. Where do you even get that made? I mean, that's crazy. Dude, the one that went down on Key West, bro. That's a fucking that thing landed on a cock, dude. Yeah. Well, the flights have been, I think they've picked it up a little bit, but we had some crazy flights for a while, like upside down and inside out. Yeah. Trying to show all these people would it's all about, dude. They had run DMC flying one of the planes, dude. Run, D.I.

But yeah, look at that. Upside, that's almost, it's like the movie Flight with Denzel. We ride here. Dude, and you have to listen to DMX when you get out of that plane, right? Yeah, right. There's no way. The plane's upside down, and now we have to exit.

There's no way I don't put a fucking, I don't bounce a track on my phone right there. Dude, I put on probably some DMX. Oh, yeah. As you walk out. What you really want. What you really want from a flight. I want some peanuts and an upright plane.

It's a wacky time. There was something you had, I want to talk to about a bunch of stuff. You have a new child. Yes, yes. Not mine. I can't. Matt Rife. He got it there.

Dude, unreal. And a lot of people thought Matt Rife is that guy who's trying to live forever, whatever. Oh, yeah. Well, he's got that beautiful face. He's shiny. Oh. He looks new. He looks very...

Yeah, a lot of people thought that that's Matt Wright, Brian Johnson. This guy, why does the guy who lives forever have to be annoying? You know, if the guy's going to live forever, you'd like him to be fun. I know, dude, why couldn't the guy that lives forever be... You're like John Daly to live forever, you know? Yeah. Although he'll die tomorrow. Well, especially because Hooters just went bankrupt, which is crazy.

Damn. He was keeping it in business, dude. I bet. I bet. Yeah, that guy could house some wings. Bro, and he would walk in, it would always be empty. Restaurant chain Hooters goes bust and files for bankruptcy protection. What is this?

The Asian version? And there is a, and if you can't see on the YouTube on the video right now, there is a picture of all Asian women in Hooters' in Hooters' attire. Where's that photo taken? Can you give me some information? Can you scroll up or down or something? There you go. Chinese waitresses dressed in orange shorts and T-shirts,

cheer while welcoming the arriving guests at the Hooters Restaurant in Bay. Oh shit. Damn, they're stealing everything from us. They got it. Hooters is going bust the U.S. restaurant chain known for chicken wings, and it's skinny Hooters Girls' Weight Staff outfits has filed for bankruptcy protection. Whoa. HOA Restaurant Group filed for the motion for Chapter 11. It's the latest legacy restaurant chain of running into financial trouble amid high food and labor prices. Well, is that really why? Yeah, I saw a couple of porkers in there on the last few years. Yeah, let's just say that

they got probably so many articles saying that they couldn't hire good tits in there anymore. Right, right. You got to be inclusive. Yeah. So you got to get the wheelchair hooter. You got to get the Downsy hooter. Yeah, you got to get an actual owl in there. Sure.

What are we doing? Yeah, it's a tough time. It's the end of an era, but we still got Twin Peaks. Just a sleeper that they just kept low and didn't talk and now they're still around. Yeah, that's like the Utah tits. His tits are clean over there. They're like the Kieran Culkin. McCulley's gone.

He was hot for a while, but now Kieran's taking over. We've got to go to Beijing. God, dude. I've got to be honest, I never felt comfortable to Hooters. Like, I like tits. I like wings, but I felt weird. It's just some girl named Stacy who's trying to make a few bucks. And I'm like, can I look at her?

Can I not look at it? What would I do here? There's a lot of them are like, I'm a model. And it's like, what are you? You know, will you model those sodas over here for me? Like, not in a bad way, but it's like, look, I want to support your modeling. I will tip a little bit extra.

Sure. But we want to eat, too. I don't want to... Yes, yes. And then am I supposed to ogle you? Am I a creeper? I never know what to do. Right.

Are you just a waitress? Are you... It was a gray area. If I have you signed my 11-year-old son's back with a Sharpie... Right. Am I a fucking sick dad or whatever? Exactly. And then do I tip you by putting the money in your G-string?

You know, like a strip club, at least you know. We're all here to see tits and ass. Everybody's on board. Right. Hooters was this vague thing. We're like, hey, while you're a pervert, order, like, let's get some fucking protein in you. And then if you go, sometimes you'd go with a girl. Like, you'd be on work lunch and the whole gang would go.

And you're like, I got this lady here. She's in HR and she's fat. Now we got the hot blonde. And the whole thing is awkward. Yeah. And then you try to make it equal. You're like, oh, well, they should have a place called Nuts that we could take you, Shelly.

Yeah. And she's like, I'm good. Yeah. And she's been losing her hair because she has like iron deficiency. or something. Anemia. Oh, that'll get you. That was my black ex.

Yeah, dude, Hooters is shutting down. John Daly is going to have nowhere. Because, you know, he used to live in a Hooters. He lived in a... I can see that. Didn't John Daly live in a Hooters bring that up? No way. I thought you were joking.

Yeah, that's amazing. John Gruden had an office apparently at Hooters' headquarters, and John Daly had a special sleeping room in there. Shut the fuck up. Where'd they hear that? Oh, on the most recent episode of The Yovans his best weekend podcast. So hold on.

You're your own reference. Hey, dude. This is where we are, dude. I saw John Daly overdose on gym one night and had to get carried out of a restaurant, not even a bar. Hell yeah. That's awesome. Man, he's like a superhero of this guy.

Oh, yeah. He's, dude, he's definitely him, kid rock. Now we have a superhero. Yep. We have Our Avengers, dude. Ah, yes. We need some more in there. We need a good woman in there.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Who's a fun woman? Ooh, I know who. That lady that cooks and that said the N-word. What's her name? Oh, Paula Dean. Yeah.

That's a good one. Boy, there's going to be a lot of N-word in that kitchen. Oh, dude. Maybe we should throw a black guy in just to even it out a little bit. Yes, and a keeper on her toes. Yeah, right, right. Who do we get in there? Who's a fun black?

Maybe, um, oh, uh, hold on. Kanye. Ooh. That'll really shake things up. Yeah. Now we're talking. Oh, yeah. So he'll be wearing the clan hood, ironically. But now it's their clanhood. So it's like, what do we, what do whites do now that there's, I don't want to say this is cultural appropriation? I mean, did Fubu make that? I mean, that's our thing. Yeah, I mean, I definitely, this is.

I mean, it's so weird because Elon's trying to tell him about, hey, I'm not an out. And he's like, no, no, I am a Nazi. Yeah. Oh, it's so hard these days to figure out if you're a Nazi or not. It is fucking impossible. I mean, did you ever think you'd see this many swastikas in 2020? The whole world's gone bad shit. No, and they're not even pointed.

You don't even know who they're pointing. It's like there's liberal people using swastikas because they're angry at Tesla. Yes. But now you're drawn swastika. So these poor Jews are like, oh, well, that means fuck me. I know you're mad at that guy, but I, well, well, What about me? But then you also have people saying that American Israel are swastika.

They're using it promoting them because they're killing the Palestinians. Wow. So you're saying that they're the fat. Like, you know what I'm saying? It's like, you guys are the new Germany. They're saying that Israel's a new Germany. Oh, geez. This is too much.

That's what I'm saying. It's just. It's so many layers. Yeah. It's like, what happened to a fucking, the business transaction of a glory hole, dude? Exactly. You know, I mean, we're buying green. Greenland, Gulf of America, Canada's mad at us, Beyonce's doing country.

Everything's topsy-turvy. Alec Baldwin shot a lady. I mean, I can't keep up with all the shit. It's all twisted. But at the same time, is it the most exciting? It's exciting. It is. It's the best of time and the worst of time.

But you could open X and you're just like, holy fuck my ass. This is crazy. X is like a portal to like Crazy Town. You're just shitting like, oh, that's a bear attack, a race riot. Oh, race riot. Black kids beat up another white kid at school. Right, right. Right.

Just a hate crime. Just a tweet. Yeah. And then there's like crazy tit lady and it says, don't open this if you're alone. And I always open it. I even have to, I'm at the library. I'm like, I got to do it. I can't resist that. It's like 10 reasons why apples are killing your body right now.

Yes. And you're like, fuck. You got me, clickbait. Yeah, huh? Did you see that Bill Burr thing where he yelled at the reporter? Oh, pull this up if you can. I mean, this was so cool. This is why I love Bill.

He's on a red carpet for some thing. And a reporter's like trying to get him to say controversial shit. And he calls him out. I'm not going to just have some controversial moments that can get clicks. I'm not doing that. I mean, I'm here for Conan. I'm not doing all of this. What do you bring up next thing?

The Middle East? I went to summer school, three out of four years in high school. I'm not qualified to talk about this. I was just going to read out. What do you think about global warming? You said about Elon that he was ruining Earth, I saw, on the view. You're critical of him. What do you think of all the boycotts?

Like, even the violence that's going on. I don't watch the news. I have no idea what's going on. I watch Instagram. I watch people wipe out on motorcycles. I watch lions and hyenas fight each other. This is the things that I do. And I don't think you should be asking you a comedian.

You're a journalist. are on top of current events. No, no. That's, that's weak. That's you guys passing the buck. You guys need to have balls again, which you don't. You guys always goes, should we be thinking this? You guys present stuff like that.

You guys just have balls. You need to get your balls back. And it's not my job. I am a dancing clown. But yeah, it's so cool because he's like, you're trying to get me to say shit so you can get clicks. You know, you guys report. Yeah.

Stop putting it all on me. I can get in trouble now and go viral for some ignorant shit I said. Yeah. Get out of here. Dude, that's a great point. Yeah, it has, it's definitely become crazy now. Yeah.

But it's because people are afraid to speak up because I think all those people feel like they'll probably lose their jobs. I think a lot of them are just caught in this old system with like, if I say anything that's truthful. That's why I think why a lot of like you even see like Candace Owens, you see a lot of comedians, a podcasters, like people are listening to them. At least they're trying to figure shit out or they're talking about things as earnestly as they think they can.

Yeah, well, we're so divided now that if you say this opinion, the other side attacks you. If you say that opinion, that side attacks you. So the newspapers want to sell clicks or whatever. So they're just like, we'll go down the middle. We got to keep everybody. You say the fucked up shit. We'll report about it. Yeah.

It's gross. It's a great point, he said. It's passing the buck. Where's the fucking, how was it that like, even during the first year of like the Gaza thing that not one mainstream network guy was like, hey, this seems kind of fucked up. Is that right? I thought people were talking. I guess it's mostly internet people.

Yeah, I think it was more internet people. That's true. But it was kind of like, hey, this shit, you know, or even just any side, like, let's get one interview from a Palestinian guy. Oh, yeah, yeah, true. That shit was just kind of crazy. Hey, basketball fans, are you ready to win real money? Well, check out pick six from Draft Kings. When it comes to basketball payouts, draft kings pick six dunks on its rise.

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Pitbull coming over from Bellator. Yaira Riggis, one of the greats. You got Volcanovsky versus Lopez. It's going to be a banger. You have a new show that you're doing? Yeah, I'm working on a, like a web series. I'm trying to sell it, but it's called Page to Stage. Page to Stage?

Yeah, like you come up with a bit idea, and then you go up at Zanies and work it out and it's clunky, then you work it out again and again and again, and then eventually you crack it, and now you're doing it at an arena. That's the show. So it shows the comic thinking of a bit and then struggling with it

and then eventually figuring it out and killing with it. And like in between, oh, that's an example of it right there? Yeah, we've done a couple episodes already, and this is episode one. We just put out episode two. Yeah, that's something. Hey, is this stupid? I'm bombing all day longer.

This wasn't an expensive ticket. Oh, this is great, man. Oh, thanks. I can't believe this has never been done. It's got a dumb idea. That's how comedy starts. You take it on stage. It bombs, and you do it again.

Too far. All right. We'll work on that. Oh, God, we're supposed to be there. What else do you do here? You break down the bit with other friends, kind of work on it? Exactly. Like, me and Samarillo, a Christa Stefano.

We'll sit at the cellar and chop it up and try to figure out where the funny is and what angle to go with. You guys have so many just artisans up there. Oh, yeah. It's like it's comedy college over there. It's chefs. You guys have chefs. Yes, yes, exactly. We're down here selling hooters to fucking people.

Yeah, but this is fun. This is fun as hell, though. I love Nashville. I mean, you got the Zanis has opened another room. I mean, you guys are cooking. Yeah, I've been in there. That lab over there. It's great.

Great room. So yeah, this, and each episode will be a different car. I do the first one. Then it'll be, you know, Ronnie Chang and Michelle Wolf and Shane. Yeah, I got to. So the show is going to be, it's just different examples of that. Yeah, yeah. Each one is a different comic working on a bit.

So you could do one if you wanted or whoever. Yeah, I want to start working on some new stuff, man. I've been writing a lot of stuff. I just have to start getting on stage. I think I'll go down to Austin probably to work on it. Oh, I like that. I mean, that's mother ship. You can't beat that room.

Well, just to have this. And also there's other rooms right around there. Brian Redband has a room right there. Yeah, the creek. Yeah, they have one room there. It's called like skinny f*** or whatever. You know what it's called. But it's like they have.

Tony's room? Yeah. Way dead it. Yeah. But they have a lot of like, yeah, it's like, um, like, it's like autistic cat or whatever. Right. Right. Right.

And word Jones. Yeah. They have everything there like save the, like, dude, things there are so progressive, but also way, it's like, I've seen like save the N words there and you're like, that does not seem. No, no. Like it's like racist and progressive. Yeah. Austin.

Good intentions, but bad message. Yeah. Bad title. Yeah. It's like, uh, save the whales, but you're talking about fat people. Yeah. No, but they, yeah, I mean, uh, Austin's fun because when you're working on new shit, you've got to be able to bounce around.

You can't just do one set every now and then. I agree. And it's even a lot of times when you're working on new stuff for, for me, it's like that third time you do it in a night, even if you don't even want to do it. Yeah. And nothing comes out of it, but it's still just burning that like, every time you cook it, you just cook it. And it's like, so the next time will be good, right?

100%. You know, they say when you lift weights, the one where you're like, and you can't get it up, that's the one that matters the most. And it's the same with comedy, I think. When you're working on that new one and you don't want to say it and it's not really working, that's when you find it, when you just push it. Yeah. Yeah, dude, I have a buddy that just started comedy last week.

No way. A friend of mine from A. Yeah, he just started. Aren't you glad those days? I would hate to just start now. I mean, we're 20 years in or whatever the fun. I used to watch you at open mics at fucking Lucy's Surfer Bar in New Orleans. Oh, my dude.

Yeah, you were the guy. You had a hot girlfriend. You had some money. You had a cool haircut. I didn't have. I did have a very cute girlfriend. Oh, I still remember her. God, she was pretty, wasn't she?

I think about her all the time. I'll be honest. I think about her a lot. Yeah, yeah, that was really something. No one had a hot girlfriend back then. We were all losers in Louisiana. Armour walking by like some of the Saints players, and they're all said, we're going to steal your girlfriend.

That sounds about right. That's what they do. And they did. That's a crazy part. No, I don't. No, but yeah, dude, bro, when we went to Lucy's, that was fun, dude. That was not a care in the world. There was no phones.

There was no, we got to get a clip. There was no video shit. It was just for the love of the game. And they had all kind of like Dane Foshae, remember him? Yeah, of course, funny guy. And he was in that documentary. Did you see that? No.

What doc? I don't know if he's okay with talking about this, but bring it up, Dane Fosha. I love those old Louisiana names. Fosha, Tibado, Landry. Yeah. It was like... Remember Sean Patton was down there. Oh, yeah, there he is.

Good old Dane. I looked up to him, too, when I started. Oh, dude, same, bro. And also one of the nicest guys. Oh, yeah, great guy. And he was really like, he welcomed everybody. Hey, we're doing comedy. Good to have you.

And it was the first time I had, like, a group, like a click. Yeah. Felt like a cult. Dude, yeah, Dane's an awesome guy. And, but they had a doc. He was part of a very important docu. No, it's called Our Friend. What is it?

Our Friend. Is it, our friend? American biographical drama film directed by Gabriela, Cal Perthwaite, and written by Brad Inglesby, based on Matthew Teague's 2015 Esquire article, The Friend, Love is not a big enough word. Jeez, Jason Siegel, Dakota, Johns, Casey Affleck? Oh, how did I not know about it?

This is huge. And it's based, one of the, I think the main character is based on him. Scroll some. Oh, God, are you going to tell me he's got some disease? In a flashback to 2000, Matt, a journalist and Nicola, a theater performer, living in New Orleans, she introduces Matt to Dane, a friend from college, working as a camera operator who dreams of becoming a stand-up comet.

Oh, yeah, you go. Yeah. Wow, dude. Yeah, dude, this is a very, this is a cool thing to watch. Good for him, yeah. Comedy's so big right now. I mean, you're talking to presidents, vice president, Bernie Sanders. It's weird how intertwined it all is.

Well, I think everything is getting kind of bizarre now, you know? 100%. Everything is getting, like, turning into the WWE. Yes. saying this for years, it's like, yeah, you can have, like, you can literally, next month, you could have Wolf Blitzer fighting that, um, who was that like, uh, save the whales, like, kind of like, like, kind of, a kid or whatever that was like, you are not representing us. Oh, David Hogg? No, you are not, it was a, uh, woman, more woman than. More woman.

You are not for us. Oh, Greta Toonberg. Greta Toonberg. What happened to her, by the way? She jumped ship. Well, she started saying stuff that liberals didn't agree. She started like, oh, she was speaking out for Palestine. And now they're like, oh, fuck her. Oh, really? Well, what about the environment?

I thought that was her. She would take a steamboat from Sweden to yell at somebody on a soapbox. The second she wore that Palestinian garb, they're like, now that she doesn't even make any sense anymore. Oh, damn. Wow. How old is she now? Is she got an only fan?

I don't. Oh, 22. Dude, all right, she's of age. Oh, we're going to hell. I'm sorry. But hey, we're going together. Dude, she's got a solar-powered vibrator. Remember?

Check out my carbon foot finish. This is fucking crazy, bro. Are you always as funny? This is the most, you've changed my life today, dude. Oh, oh, I'm hung over. I'm on no sleep, so I'm just, I'm riding off gay fumes here. No, sleep. Tell Brooklyn.

Yeah. No, dude, remember the other comics they had wild, Bill, remember Wild Bill Dikes? Wild Bill Dikes. He was on some TV show, like Bar Rescue, some bullshit like that. And that was, I was like, he's been on TV. And same with you. I was like, you've been on TV.

I couldn't believe it. Wild fucking Bill Dikes, dude. A legend, dude. But that's the thing. You had to wait to get tapped to get on TV and you got six seconds on some weird show. And now we got the internet so we can just put it all out there. Yeah. Now you can just be like, hey, I'm an alcoholic and just tell people straight up.

Exactly. And a lot of comedians in New Orleans were just alcoholics that were trying to stay away from their families or wives at night. 100%. Let's say that factually. No judgment. I didn't have a wife or anything at that time, but you'd see guys coming in, you know, have a couple in their car. Yes, yes, exactly. We were all, I was terrified.

I had stage fright like a motherfucker. We all had stage fright and salt poisoning from living in Louisiana, the gout capital. Oh, yeah. A lot of sodium. Yeah, they had that one comic black gout or whatever. was he was just like kind of an older black guy yeah well the black comics all had like chicken fry cornbread red bean red bean yeah yep they all had cool names salami rob yeah yeah they were fun gumbo jones spicy child evasion yeah sickle cell wilson yeah yeah those are those are those

were wild times and we all got along oh it was so much fun so much fun t ray remember him Ray. Holy shit. He was a pro when we started. That dude was a legend in Louisiana. He was a legend, dude. First comic I ever saw, remember the funny bone in Baton Rouge? Yes.

They had a funny bone. I saw Chris Porter there in like 2002 or something. And he was killing. I still remember his act. He had a bit about, he's like, smoking and drinking, they go together. You can drink without smoking, but you can't smoke without drinking. It's kind of like you can take a piss without shitting, but you can't shit without pissing. And I was like,

blew my fucking mind. Where are we? Yeah. God, dude. Yeah, Chris Porter. And that's when he got on to Last Comic, too. Yes, yes. Remember?

And that's when kind of the handicapped era started on Last Comic. With Josh Blue, who was hilarious, who made... Josh Blue is one of the best at having a disability, but also being a comedian, right? Yeah. But I think it definitely launched a wave of, you know, and it kind of ended with that guy who faked having cancer for Ellen or whatever. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that was bad. That was bad.

Chocolate cancer. What was that guy's name? What was that guy's name? I think it was Bob Melanoma. Oh, yeah, it was. Oh, I think it was Jarvis Malignant. That's great. Yeah, he, uh, colon cancer Powell, but.

It was fucking benign Johnson. You better get that lump checked out, Peter. But yeah, he, oh, that's, I feel bad calling him out. But he got kind of called out and then he got an HBO special. and it all just went to shit. Yeah, just click on that right there. Whatever happened to the comedian that Quincy Jones was his name. Jones graduated from...

On August 25th, Jones was diagnosed with stage 4 mesothelioma and given one year to live. He began receiving treatment with chemo for instead of a Kickstarter for him to produce a stand-up comedy special starring Jones. His story went viral after he appeared on Ellen. After he raised $50,000, wow, that's incredible. Jones filmed a comedy special at the Tehran Ballroom in L.A. Title Burning the Light. That's a great name for it, too. Yeah.

Whatever happened after that, anything? Go to that Reddit page then. Let's get some real info. Well, it's a weird thing when you tell me you have cancer because then they get mad that you're alive. That's a weird place to be in life. Oh, you're still alive? Fuck you.

Yeah, we had a guy like that who had done a couple of fundraisers or whatever, and he was still alive and people would get so fucking pissed at him. Yeah, we gave you money. We did a go-fund me and you're supposed to be dead. Yeah, right. Getting the coffin. Fucking the coffin. Exactly.

Like, why is he gay? Just because he lied about that. That's true. But I remember back then, I was like, oh, my God, I wish I got cancer. Because it was so hard to get a special or on TV. Oh, totally. I was like, oh, every mole I had, I was like, check this bitch. Yeah, put me in the sun and some radiation on my ass.

I'll start smoking. I would put little fake moles on my arm and I went on stage. But whatever happened, though, this is curious. He may have just gotten better, which probably made it also uncomfortable for him. Is there any information? Can you scroll up or down or something? I hope he got better. Six years old, it just says that he's still active.

Oh. That's tough. That's tough, dude. You got to get into remission. He's like the Magic Johnson of cancer. He won't die. That AIDS. What happened?

We used to be so scared of AIDS, and Magic Johnson is kicking. He beat AIDS so hard. I will tell a story, though. I've told this before, but I was at a restaurant where someone was choking to death, right? And Magic Johnson was there. So everybody, it was like a Chinese restaurant kind of place. So they brought out a wall. They brought out a little one of those Chinese walls.

They fold up. A great wall. Yeah, it's like a very great wall, but it's short. I know those. Yeah. You can change behind them or whatever. Yes. Change behind them real quick.

They brought that out and started doing CPR on the guy behind the wall. And we're all just sitting there. And it's kind of like a nice place. We're all eating. But everybody stopped eating because it's like you can't eat while a guy is like choking. Of course. And they're doing CPR and shit on him. So then everybody starts kind of looking at Magic Johnson, like, when do we eat, right?

He became somehow like the, like the liaison of feasting or whatever they call it in the Greek mythology or whatever. And so everybody's like watching him and you can tell he starts to feel this pressure, when do we eat? And they get the guy back, right? Oh, thank God. So you can hear him, he starts coughing. Everybody claps, right? So everybody takes one bite and then fucking something happened. immediately and they got coded.

The guy died right there. Shut up. Yeah. Holy shit. Guy died. Now what do you do with the food? Do you finish it? We waited like seven or eight minutes and then we ate as quiet as we ever eaten.

Oh, man, that's awkward. They got to wheel them out on the gurney and you got a mouth full of general sew. Oh, you chew so quietly, dude. Oh, dude. And if your wife doesn't salute you like that when you eat general so, you're not a fucking true American Asian. Yeah, she'll get a cun power. That's what I'm saying, dude. Speaking, did you see these Yankee bats, by the way?

Oh, I've heard about this. This is pretty well. I want to get your take on these bats. I don't know where the Yankees, their bats are fat as shit. Oh, come on. N'uh, that's what they're using now? The torpedo bat, yeah. They plump them up a little.

Like in the middle. Yeah, like a weird dick that girthy in the middle and then cones out. Well, that seems weird because wouldn't the angle of the bats then affect which direction you're hitting the ball even? Yeah, I think, but they engineered it perfectly where it just sails it. It works every time. During spring training, someone in the organization for the Yankees had mentioned to Kay that the team's analytics department had counseled players on where pitches tended to strike

their bats, and with subsequent buy-in from some of the players' bats have been designed around that information. And the hours before the Yankees' home game against the Brewers that day, K, who is the Yankees' play-by-playman, told the YES network production staff about this. alerting them so they could look for an opportunity to highlight the equipment. After the Yankees Club, four homers in the first inning, a camera zoomed in on Jay Chisholm's bat in the second inning. You see the shape of Chisholm's bat, Kay, said on there.

It's got a big barrel on it. Wow, and it does, it has a look towards like the one part, like a snake digesting something a bit. Yes, yes, exactly. Wow, and how are the Yankees doing so far? Was that just one good game to start off? No, they're killing it. I mean, you've got four homers in the first inning.

I mean, they're on fire, which they were already a good team, but now they got this secret weapon. Oh, they're four and two right now, gang, starting off big. Okay. Still no Otani. That guy is incredible. Oh, he's so good, man. Yeah, that's interesting. How, like, are they allowed to just change their bats like that?

Can you look why they're allowed to do that? I think it's one of those airbud things. It's other than the rule books as you can't have a fat bat or whatever it is. Yeah. The idea of the torpedo bat is to take a size format. say 34 inches and 32 ounces, and distribute the wood in a different shape than the traditional form

to ensure the fattest part of the bat is located where the player makes the most contact. Wow. It's just a loophole. They found a loophole that's still legal. It's the same amount of wood, but they just put it in different spots of the bat. The torpedo bat moves some of the mass

on the end of the bat about six to seven inches lower, giving it a bowling pin shape with a much thinner end. The benefits for those who like swinging with it and not everyone who has swung with that likes it are twofold. Both are rooted in logic and physics. The first is that distributing more mass to the area of most frequent contact aligns with players' swing patterns and provides greater impact when the bat strikes ball.

The second benefit in theory is increased bat speed. Imagine a sledgehammer and a broomstick that both weigh 32 ounces. The sledgehammer's weight is almost all at the end, whereas the broomstick is distributed evenly. Damn. Which is easier to swing fast. The broomstick, of course. So they're saying that it's slower to swing the new one.

Yeah, but it's got more impact. By shedding some of the weight off the end of the torpedo bat and moving it towards the middle hitters have found it swings very similarly to a traditional model, but with slightly faster bat velocity. Huh. I haven't seen a bat like that since the wet market. God, I know, huh? Damn, that's interesting.

I wonder what other loopholes have I noticed? What are the things? Well, there was a part where they allegedly deflated the ball some. Yeah, yeah, with the Patriots. What else has kind of happened over the years? Hmm. A lot of steroids. Yeah, steroids are so big.

I don't know if that's a loophole, but yeah. I'd love to talk to Barry Bonds. It'd be crazy. Oh, man, what a run he had. I know. And he looked crazy, too. He was like a superhuman. Yeah.

Mark McGuire. Yeah. Him too. You could see it. He's pink. He's got like ball skin on his forearms. Dude, can you believe that women, like, used to not even be able to talk that much, and that crazy?

Those were the days. But can you even imagine that? Like you're at dinner and a guy comes up to talk and you talk to him and your wife tries to say something, you're like, honey. Exactly. Let the, let us do business here. Well, women really got screwed because, like, they couldn't really make a lot of money back then. So they needed a guy who had a house and a car and a job. So, like, they had to be nice and play ball.

God. That's got to suck. You imagine the resentment built up in a lot of those women? Oh, of course. That's why a lot of third generation women are squatters, I think, because it's all that resentment built up. It's true. Yeah, it all comes out. That's fucking, what do you call that? Oh, what's the word when they can't vote? Oh, that's, um. Suppression? No, uh, what is a word where they can't vote. We'll get it right. Voter suppression. Something like that. Um. Suffrage? Suffrage. Yeah. Women's suffrage. That's women's suffrage, dude. Yeah. Yeah, it's a streamline, brother.

Yeah. That is a damn, damn, huh? You ever got a squirt from a lady? I mean, oh, I knew a gal that could, oh, super soak. No, but she was just articulate. Oh, damn. Like she could. Oh, she could fucking autograph a curtain. I knew a girl definitely that could fucking wash your cat's eyes before he could blink them. It was like those, the windshield wipe squirter, you know, you clean the window.

Oh, dude, yeah. Yeah, I had a lady. It was like a fire hydrant in a black neighborhood. I mean, she would just stand up, but it would gush. It was a great time. I loved it. I mean, my bed was ruined. Oh, dude, and there's a couple of young sisters double dutching in it.

That's the craziest part, dude. Oh, yeah. Yeah, love a squirt because with a female orgasm, there's not really a lot of proof. Right. So it's nice to get some results. Oh, yeah. That's David Slopperfield on me. That thing.

It's crazy, bro. Those things get going. Yeah, squirt and Ernie. And sometimes you can't turn them off, dude. No, no. And it's a lot of Asians, but. Bro, Sesame Street. Yeah, yeah.

Tickle me elbow. But sometimes you're like, enough, you've got to put a cork in there or an old rag. Oh, dude, it's crazy. Oh, bro, you'd have to put siding on your bed. You need a gutter on the side of your bed just to get some runoff. You got to clean the leaves out every year, but still. Bro, yeah, you get somebody that's a real galosh. You'd have to fucking, somebody like, damn, are you from Maine or something?

What's even going on here? Yeah, you need rain boots. It was crazy. Oh, you'd have to use that stuff that you would use on your car. It was like Rain X. Remember that? Oh, yeah.

Dude, when Rain X came out, we got high. We're like, because we'd seen commercials that would, like, make the rain beat off the window. Yes, exactly. So we'd rain X our cars, get stoned, driving the rain, and watch it beat off. We'd be like, no. That's a good time.

Those are the good times, dude. Yeah. You want to be ready when somebody knocks on your wiener door to A&&&S. That's what I'm talking about, baby, Blue Chew. Blue Chew will get you stacked up. I'm stacked. I'm upstairs. Have better sex with Blue Chew. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And starting now, Blue Chew is offering a combo so strong it'll knock your socks off your weaner. That's right. You'll have to move towns with the amount of noise. You'll be making Blue Chew Max.

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and reach your financial goals faster with rocket money. Go to rocket money.com slash T-H-E-O today. That's rocketmoney.com slash theo. Rocket money.com slash T-H-E-O. Yeah, what was I thinking about, dude? You want kids? Yeah, I got to get a kid, man. I mean, hey, no pressure.

I don't want to be one of those kid guys. You're like, you got to do it, change your life. Yeah. Super meaningful. I'm not doing that. I'm just saying you'd be a good dad. Thanks, dude. I appreciate it.

I think, yeah, I got to change some of my, a little bit of, like, some of my patterns, kind of. Well, we all have some fucked up tendencies and all that, but... Did you have, like, how did you change your tendencies to meet a woman and I know you have a child now? But how did you change your tendencies? Because you were kind of like a rost about man, huh? Sure, man about town. I like to paint it red, but, uh, I don't know. I just was getting older and I knew I wanted kids, and then you started doing the math.

You're like, all right, if I have a kid at 50, By the time he's 10, I'll be sick. You had an old dad. Yeah. You know, it's tough on a kid. It's tough. And I heard Bill Bursay, not to bring him up again, but he was like, I should have done this 10 years earlier. And I heard that.

And I was like, oh, shit, maybe I should do it now. And he's the truth. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So. The average age of New Father in the United States has risen from 30.9 years, risen to 30.9 years, a significant increase from 27.4 years in 1972. Wow.

Actually, I thought it'd be higher. So it's going up. So it's almost 31 years right now. Yeah, I live in New York. People are having kids at fucking 45. Like Schultz just had a kid. He's 41. Is he?

Yeah. He looks great. Oh, he's a sexy, sexy man. Definitely. He looks like an old bullfighter or something. Oh, he definitely looks like the last Matador. Yeah. Look at that stash and the hair.

He looks like definitely the guy that'll turn a triple play at a glory hole, you know? Yeah. Yeah. He looks like a French villain. Oh, yeah, he does, dude. Oh, he's always definitely had that very, like, America's favorite spice trader guy. Right, right. Like, he sells knives in Bangladesh.

Yeah, he definitely looks like a guy that'll sell you a secret. Yes. For sure. Definitely. He's a unique eye. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He's a very unique eye, dude.

His new special, I think, is the best-looking comedy special I've seen. He, oh, yeah, it's so beautiful. Like, the Beacon Theater is killer. And the way he starts it with that montage, like, you get choked up. I thought it was really, really amazing. You have a child now, man. Yeah, it's crazy. That's insane to see you right now and be talking to you for the past 40 minutes and then realize this guy has a human child.

I mean, it'll get taken away at some point. But for now, let it ride. God, probably from ice or whatever. Yeah, yeah, there it is. Wow. Wow, what sad news source reported on that. May Planner gives birth to her first child with Mark Norman. Look at that fat little nugget there.

It's got a bad hair line already. Wow, very much has that Kevin from the office look. Yeah, yeah. Wow, your wife looks great, even post-birth right there. She killed it, yeah, she looked good the whole time, and she did the old C-sect, so the clam is intact. Yeah, huh? Fresh seafood. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Still oyster shucking. But yeah, you really, you really get all mushy with the thing. Being as cynical as comedians are, right? What does cynical mean? Like negative and always looking at the bull. bad, not the good, I think, something like that.

I think, well, I noticed for myself it's hard for me, sometimes there used to be for sure. When, like, something was really real, like a real moment, it was hard for me to, like, experience it as a real moment. Who are you talking to here? Yeah. Come on. I thought that was you. Yeah.

I'm autism. Yeah. And so was that kind of, did that come into play at all? Do you notice that part of you come in and you almost have to stop it? Yes, yes. But with the baby, you can't help it. Like, you're talking baby talk and you're just like gushing with. love and you pour it right on them and you feel it and you go fucking i'm doing it anyway i'm letting go

i'm gonna love this kid so it feels really real so it's like super real feeling super real i mean that came out of your ball bag and her stomach i mean the whole thing is it's surreal that you made this thing yeah and it's gonna grow up and have a personality and you know weird addictions and you know thoughts on races and that's all gonna form right there in his little noggin god it's fascinating does it create a new relationship with your wife? Like, is there now some, like, because I've heard Schultz say that, like, you know, you now, like, he would have times where he would call his wife to check on the baby and not be checking on her kind of.

And so, like, he said just, there were little dynamics like that that that he started to notice where does it make like a new relationship with you and your wife? Does things still seem the same? Does it, or everything's just normal? Like, any calls on any of that? It's super different. Like, the baby becomes the priority. So you start to forget about each other, you know, it just becomes like, All right, I'll take them for this moment.

You take them for that moment. You feed them. Did you put them down? How's that going? So it turns into scheduling and very, like, calculated almost. So you got to stay lovey. You got to stay a couple. And so it's kind of like the two of you versus the baby.

And you become a team, but you got to make the team fun. You can't just go all in on logistics. You got to still be cuddly and sexy and all that shit and fun. And is it hard? How long do you have to wait before you can be sexually active with your spouse? I think it was six weeks. So we did like six weeks and a day before I went. And I jizzed dinner on accident.

I was like, what am I doing? I'm an idiot. This is how the Jackson Five started, you know? Why would you do that? I had been so long. And I lasted like eight seconds. And I couldn't pull out. It felt good at that warm meat pocket.

So I... Dude, you knew what just happened there. I know. I know. I'm an idiot. But hopefully she's barren at this point. But that's like going out of a burning building, right? And going into another one.

And then, hold on. And then. It's like leaving Tower 1 and going on Tower 2. Yeah. And it says gas above the door. And you go in there and fucking blaze up a smoke. I know. I couldn't help it.

And she was like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, you're right, you're right. So do you think you did that? Is it almost, was it territorial? Or you just partying? I think I was partying. I let loose too much. I'm an idiot.

But I'm just lucky we had a kid, the normal. way, the old-fashioned way. Everyone else is doing the IVF and adopting and all that. So, yeah, that's nice that these kids can swim. Oh, that is nice, man. I worry about that. Someone had a baby out of their butt, too. Do you see that? No, no. Bring that up. An ass baby? That's tough. Well, it's, uh, that's some good sperm. These days, it's the only way to get into this country, it feels like. Anal birth. Let's look at them. That's on Apple. Whoa, Whoa, buddy, hold on. Anyone else hard?

God, bro. Jesus. Just the article. That was wild. There is. There was something on there. Those are bands. Oh, there are?

They'll come around. Somebody will write the article. Yeah. Is that real? Huh? Real ass baby? It has to have had happened. Wow.

I guess it just came out the wrong shoot, you know? Yeah, the baby. A lot of them are working backwards. It's like, yeah. Have you ever seen those pictures of those guys that get stuck in those tunnels like in fucking. Jews? Yeah, of course. But the baby, it just got off on the wrong exit. They don't have GPS, you know. They should have, yeah. But it's like head towards the light, brother. I guess so, yeah. Avoid the boom boom and go with the clam clam. Come on, God, dude. That's crazy, man.

That is crazy. It's weird how close they are. Isn't that weird? The butthole in the vagina, they're like an inch apart. Put them further apart. What do we do it here? It's like Israel and Palestine. That's two arch enemies living right next door to each other. That's ridiculous, dude. And the Gaza Strip right in the middle. What has, speaking of that, has there been like a lot of turmoil in, do you see a lot of turmoil in the state, in New York City? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, it's crazy. Is it really?

It's real. I mean, Columbia University is a hotbed of controversy, and they deported that guy, whatever his name, Muhammad, falafel face. And, yeah, it's rough. Yeah, and one of the food trucks went missing, too, ironically, the same day. Bring that guy up. Is that right? I don't know. Oh, I didn't hear about the old Pita.

I can't believe after all the things that have been said, that's the one where you say is that right. I mean, I believe it. That swarma is missing. Oh, dude. Swarms my heart. How is that not a shirt? I'm sure it's the name of a food truck. It's got to be.

Yeah, what do we know about foreign college students targeted for deportation? Yeah, which one did they have? The Trump administration has set off a legal and ethical firestorm. by targeting international students at U.S. colleges for deportation, including some whom the government alleges participated in pro-Palestinian protests or activities on campus. I will say to be a Jewish guy around this has got to be awkward. I feel like there's a lot of anti-Semitism hurled at them and no one seems to give a shit. Like if you make black comments, it's like a bad national news.

But I don't think anyone really gives a shit about the Jew feelings. Yeah, well, I think you have to I think you have to be able to separate that. That's a good point. They don't get the, they don't get the oppression points that other groups get. That's a good point.

Yeah, that's a good point, man. Well, because I think that they've, from what I've learned, they've been like a tough time finding a territory to live in, right? Yes, yes. Like historically, that they've had a tough time finding a place to live in.

Yeah. I think what just hasn't helped has been the shit in Gaza. It's like, of course. I think it's just made like, and then there's a lot of, I think people start looking then at like ownership

and oppressors, right? And I think you have a lot of Jewish people that are super successful. They're good at being successful. Oh, the best. They're on the weather. The best, right? They got it all.

And so then I think it doesn't, that makes things like, I think that's where people go from one thing and bridge to another. Yes, yes, exactly. And there's so much nuance here, too, that people forget. It's just good versus evil, but there's this complex shit going on here.

It's a lot of layers. We want to just put black and white, but it's... It's true. There's a lot of layers. It's hard to figure a lot of it out. Mahmood Khalil, I think you're talking about. A 30-year-old Columbia University International Affairs graduate student of Palestinian descent was arrested on March 8th when ICE agents appeared at his student apartment building.

Can you even imagine that? I would think it was like one of those fraternity things they do in the morning or whatever. Yeah, yeah, like an initiation where they'd spread. a air horn on you or hit you with a fire extinguisher. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was like a Sigma Alpha genocide or whatever, and they're fucking taking you outside to tickle you until you fucking piss gin or whatever.

Khalil is married to an American citizen who's pregnant with their first child. The Trump administration accused Khalil, a Palestinian activist of supporting Hamas and distributing pro-Hamas propaganda, though it has provided no evidence to support this claim. Wow. Yikes, it's a tough time.

Because then you also wonder like what like if there's Israeli influence because that's a big thing now like how much Israeli influences they're in like American politics, you know? Oh, that's a lot. Yeah. And it seems to be a ton. I feel like America is just like it feels like we're just owned by Israel, you know? And we just never knew it. I thought we own them. That's what I thought.

Uh-oh. But here's the thing. If we're just a team, then just tell us we're a fucking team. Right. Tell us anything. We're all in the dark here. Everything's going over our Yamika. I don't know what's happening.

Yeah, dude. Everything's fucking slodding right over that little hair. wallet. Yeah, right? But dude, that's the thing I think that would help everybody if they would just say, hey, this is what's fucking really going on. Yes. So, because otherwise, I think you're just, there's still this ruse of pretending that people

aren't going to maybe figure it out. Or if you let people start to figure out themselves, then a lot of times people go to the worst place in their minds, right? Yes. And you pick a side and that's it. It's just, fuck that side. We're left in the dark. with light a menorah.

Get some light in here. Yeah, light one of the candles. One of them. Give us three out of eight. Yeah, that's not bad. Is it nine? I think it's eight. Yeah.

Give that a check, but I think it's eight. But I agree, dude. And also, like, how to be supportive of your Jewish friends. You know, it's like... Oh, it is nine. Shit, my bad. Well done. Labia menorah.

They snuck one in. Yeah, they always do. Yeah. Look, at that's the guy they caught. He'll get laid off this, though. He's got some deported pussy. Oh, definitely, dude. He's a bad boy.

He is, huh? Yeah. Mamu Khalil speaks to members of media about the revolt for Rafah encampment at Columbia University. Dude, I think, but also, dude, the shit that's going on over there is so horrific. Here's what I think is happening in Gaza recently, right? I think they are testing a lot of, like, the technology and things that they've weapons and stuff. I think they're testing it on that place. Who's they?

Israel? Oh, boy, you're obsessed with Gaza. This is really taking over a lot of your brain. Well, I'm just... I think I got, maybe I got caught in a fucking Twitter hole the other night. Oh, yeah, that'll get you, man. I had to call Sean Ryan and tell him, like, dude, everything is okay, right? I got scared.

Yeah, holy shit. But don't, that shit will make you sad. Don't let it in. Don't absorb it too much. Yeah. Yeah, let's get off. We'll get off of it. I mean, I don't know enough.

But sometimes it's heartbreak. Yeah, I don't either. But sometimes it's just heartbreaking when you're like, how is this fucking going on? Yeah. Or is there something that we don't know, then just tell us that shit. I know, I know.

They won't tell us, they think we can't handle it, but this is way worse. Now we're all killing each other and fighting in the streets. I agree. That's the thing. It's like, just tell us what is fucking going on. Yes.

You know? Does that make sense to you too? Or does sound crazy saying that? No, I'm with you. 100%. We don't know what's going on. It's like the drones. We had all these drones in New York

and everybody's like, is it weapons? Is it China? Is it this? And we're like, just tell us. So we can go to fucking lunch and not freak out every day. I just tell my niece that was Santa. Yeah. Is it fucking Papa John delivering N-words to people? Yeah. Now that's a service. Remember when he had that deal, dude? Yeah, Black Olives Matter. I don't know if black, do black people go Papa John? What's the pizza of Joe? I thought they

were more of a domino's. That's a good question. First of all, why don't they have more black-specific businesses, dude? Interesting. It's like, boo boo. But where, where's the black pizza company, right? Right, right. Yeah, that's a good question. They like to play Dominoes, or maybe that's Puerto Ricans.

No, but still, that's close enough, right? Yeah. It's like, why is there not more, what's the top black-owned pizza company? And I believe this about a lot of things. Like, where are the fucking black-owned businesses? Yes, they're out there. We just got to blow them up. Right, there we go.

That's a good point. So, Okay, slim and huskies. Fleming Huskies, that's in, I think that's here. Yes, that's in Tennessee. Oh, there we go. Dude, I met the owner.

Bring the owner up. I met him one time over at Fenwick's here in town. Nice. Do you save my day to day, man? Hey, we're saving their day. Go to Slim and Huskies. Get a fucking pie from these guys. Go to Slim and Huskies.

Get that fucking father figure omelet. You know what I'm saying, dude? No, but go to Slim and Huskies. There they are. They're the dogs right there. Who are they? Oh, there they are right there. Clint Gray,

Derek Moore, and Emmanuel Reed, baby. Hell yeah. Hell yeah, dude. Get the fucking big dog special over there. The founding, the trio who are also Tennessee State U.

Alumni, Tennessee State University. Shout out TSU where my buddy Zeta played kicker over there was the only white kid over there. Oh, yeah. Kickers are how we slide in. Oh, yeah, dude. That's it.

Yeah, but my buddy, John Laster, he has a thing called Blap. And it's a black app. It's like a app for black-owned businesses. Really? So, yeah, that's something. Get that shit. Yeah, go to Blap.

Check it out. Dude, this is one thing I think that a lot of cultures and ethnicities can learn from Jewish culture. Oh. Is how to, like, support your culture, right? Yeah. Like, like, we should do that. I think other groups should do it. I think, um, and other cultures may do it better than like Christians and Muslims.

Yeah. Um, but Jewish people do it. it well. They support their friends. They support their creations and the things that their friends make, you know? Yeah, I mean, they had to. I think they got pushed around. So they're like, we got to start our own shit. We got to start law firms and real estate and diamonds. But they do a lot of stuff like invest in their children, their children like, you know, like learning education. I think a lot can be learned from that culture, man. Is that crazy to say that? I completely agree. I mean, I'm circumcised. So there you go. We took that from them.

Yeah. Are you? Huh? Are you cut? Dun, dun, dun, oh, baby. Auction off, dude. Call in if you fuck Theo. The last inch, they call it. Dude, yeah, let's talk about something else. That's more fun, man. Sorry.

No, no, I mean, I'm interested. I just... But I think I was just curious what it's like in New York City, because, you know... It's, you could feel it. It's there. Remember how, like, BLM, you could feel in 2020 or whatever that was? You could just kind of feel it. It was an energy.

It's that in New York with Jew Palestine. Yeah. And it's heavy. Is it? Oh, yeah. Wow. Well, it's kind of crazy that two years ago you couldn't even say the word Israel. It felt like on a podcast.

I mean, you could always say Jews are great or whatever you said. Sure, sure. That's an interesting group because they're cloaked in whiteness. So you can't really tell. It's the only group. You don't like Asians. You can kind of eyeball it. Yeah.

You know what I mean? But Jews, it's just like a white guy. Yeah. You know? It's just a honk. It's like a very successful honky. Yeah. I mean, again, an Ari Shafir.

that's like Jewish propaganda. I mean, that's a mug. Yeah, that is. He's working for someone. Yeah, yeah. His show's coming back. Are you going to be able to do an episode of it? I am.

I'm working on a story now. I got to work on one duty. I just fucking, it's been hard. It's a lot of work because you've got to go out and run that. It's 10 minutes of awkward, weird, is this where the story should go and how do I end it? But you got to do it. I don't know if I can get it right now.

Yeah. Or something if I can get it ready. but I think I gotta do his podcast coming up Well your last one was killer with the cabby and the cocaine That was like my first story That was like when I started talking about like being sober and shit like that That was that blew up People really connected with that

That story was crazy I remember one part of it this girl like laying in my lap And like we were just like both Like We both had been drinking or whatever And I'm trying to like lean down and kiss her And I couldn't get to her face you know Oh yeah

Oh, yeah. And you get so close and you're right there and she's fucking, you know. It's like trying to blow yourself. You get so close. It's right there. God, that's a fucking Adam's apple stops you. That's crazy? Yeah, I got to lick once, but I hurt myself.

I like pulled a muscle. Oh, that's the worst when a guy's getting a tort all shot. Because he's been fucking tongue washing his own kick. Yeah, I got to do yoga or something. Oh, dude. Yeah. Oh, that's the craziest, though, dude. You asked Trump about.

Coke. Was that, give me, give it to me straight. I've known you for a while. How, how scary was it having him right next to you? Well, I'd seen him at UFC fights. I know, but this is like face-to-face podcasting, I mean, conversation. I think I've felt for a while that things are turning into the WWE, that nobody's like super famous anymore. Things are merging pretty quick. Oh, yeah. You have people who are coming up with like a crazy lyric on TikTok that are now selling out big music venues that bands who have been performing for 15 years can't sell out, right? So it's like, I think everything's just getting weird. It's like you could have like, you know, a year and a half ago, sketch the,

What's Up, Brother? That guy was probably for two months was the most popular guy in the world maybe. Totally. Like everything's just, it's very strange now. Yeah, the lines are blurred. It used to be like celebrity, now it's just everybody's in there. Right. It used to be like you and I would never talk to Harrison Ford.

No. Or get to, or like Kendall Jenner. You know, it's like, but now we have a chance to at least look at them as they drive by. Right, right. Well, you talk to Shalamo. I mean, he's like one of the biggest actors in the world. You're just hanging out with him. Didn't ask to edit the thing or anything.

Totally fucking normal. Cool dude. Cool dude. Regular guy. Yeah, and he's plowing Kendall, which has got to be a, or Kylie. It's got to be a good time. And it seems like they're honestly like kind of like in love. Lovebirds.

Like when I saw them, it just seemed like they're like lovebirds, which made you give you some hope for Hollywood because you just think like everything is so manufactured. But, um, but anyway, that's, so that was part of it. The second thing, oh, dude, I'd had an interview post Malone here the day before. And so I was so, like, just burnt out. Yeah. And I was just tired. And, uh, but I just went up there.

We flew directly there to his golf course. It was crazy. Like rich people were everywhere. Oh. Like kids were driving at the bottom of the pool and bringing up mutual fun. and shit. Like way different. Damn.

Was that Mar-a-Lago? It was something fancier than that. It was like... Fancyer. It was New Jersey, huh? Oh, okay. It was like Mar-a-Lago or something or whatever they have up there, you know?

Yeah, yeah. Interesting. It was like kind of like this year, like Italian. There it is, dude. Look at that. Whoa. And, bro, they had ducks out there in the pond that were fucking, like, organized as fuck.

None of these gay-ass ducks you see at the park like that are just fucking doing dope or whatever eating fucking bread from strangers. These motherfuckers, I saw him polish off, I think a sourdote line up in a straight line. Classy. And perform,

motherfucker. Damn, ducks in a row. Oh, yeah, you could tell they were going to be lunch if they didn't land every, every fucking, if they didn't land every move in sequence. Right.

So that was crazy. Then you had secret service everywhere, right? Oh, yeah. But there's still fans. You pull in, they frisk and shit, I'm all like, hey, I fucking love the thing. And then you're just taking selfies with them.

You're holding their gun, right? You're pointing their gun at them. And they'll shoot, you know? That's the best. I love getting the working man. Like, when you get like a garbage man or a cop, and he's like, hey, comedy. I'm like, yes.

I want you as a fan. That's the best, dude. The best. Yeah, there's nothing better, dude. Anytime, if I'm walking down the street and I see a couple of guys digging in a hole or whatever, or hiding the bodies or whatever. Jews again.

Yeah, are funneling monies for fucking Schwab through one of those fucking Yiddish mattress sail tunnels or whatever. I always stop and get photos with those guys. Anybody that does something real. Yes, yes. And those are the most sane guys, by the way. Yeah. By the way, you see that Adam Carollo went on some rant where he's like, you know, we hate dudes, but like, who do you think is fixing the L.A. fires?

It's just a bunch of dudes getting in there and getting their hands dirty and building shit. He's got a point. And, like, that's what's so annoying about politics. That's why I can't pick a side or it's so, like, Gavin, Newsom's got a pocket. He's talking to Steve Bannon. He's like, yeah, these trans are crazy. And you're like, he's like, we've got too many regulations in California. We're like, you're the guy. Right. You're the governor. You make the rules, Dickless. Change it. Why are you telling us about it? Well, it's the same thing with America,

even in like America's supporting like the Gaza stuff. It's like, then you're complicit. It's like all of a sudden we're complicit in it. That's what makes everything so tricky. It's like, are we standing up for ourselves? Are we not standing up for ourselves? Who are we supposed to support it? It used to, felt like we knew what was supposed to happen. Yeah, yeah, that's true. It used to feel like we knew. And whether we were right or wrong or just being fed like sheep, you still knew where to go.

Even if we were wrong, you knew what America stood for or whatever the fuck. But then it brings you back to, like, I think the Vietnam times when you saw this protest. Oh, yeah. Because I used to hear about the protester in Vietnam. I'm like, what would they be protesting? Like, we're doing this war. That's what's supposed to happen. But then you realize that there was a group of people who ended up being a lot of times, some of the coolest people.

who were like, this isn't right. Right. Who didn't believe, like, the propaganda machine. So it's crazy that if things could even get out then, that the same kind of, it's just, so I don't know, it's just interesting, man. It is, it is. And I think the cracks are opening up

because of the internet and everybody's talking and sometimes there's too many people talking, but you can kind of start to see the bullshit a little more now. There's more light on it. Yeah, it's just crazy because then it's like what happens? You just got to take care of yourself, take care of your loved ones. That's got to be important.

That's one good thing about a kid. It just, you focus. You're not thinking about Twitter. You're not thinking about this. You're just like, ah, this kid has got a shit diaper, and I got to change it. And that's it. Really? Oh, yeah.

So it kind of just, it makes, you get one problem. You don't have a million problems. Yeah. It's just get this kid to not have Down syndrome. And when do you find that out? I think pretty early. That's why you see less of them now. I think people are nipping that in the bud.

I know. It's sad because you. You like seeing one every now and then. Oh, yeah, man. Especially, well, they started, I hate to say this. Oh, baby. They got more talented over the past 20 years. Oh, yeah, there's a lot of models, Downsy models.

They got more talented. And I got proven wrong. I had always known that down center and people couldn't walk backwards, right? Is that right? Whoa. That had always been a big thing in our area. But now a woman disproved me on that. Oh, good for her.

This is like the Jackie Robinson of Downs. Oh, yeah, dude. Good for her. Oh, yeah, that's it. I mean, I don't know. The moment has passed, but yeah. I'll play it. He goes on a hell of a rant.

Does he? Yeah. To give a shit about young dudes now because they're losing their demo. They were the enemy. Young white dudes were always the enemy or heterosexual dudes or whatever. And now they lost, they're losing their constituency. So now they have to pretend to give a fly. Yeah, she signed an executive order aimed to.

at increasing young men's enrollment and education and skill training programs. So, yeah, they're doing some catch up right now. Yeah. Okay. Perhaps you shouldn't have waged war on them for the last 15 years. Amen. That would have been nice. We got a clip of a nitlamant.

Toxic masculinity and all you assholes. Shut up. Your Connecticut governor trying to. By the way, can I, just let me say this. Let me just say this. Please listen to me, everyone. I toured the sites of Altadena and the Palisades and Malibu. There's a whole bunch of people with dicks and balls who are fucking driving excavators and trucks

and operating all the heavy equipment, all the fucking people you hate, all the people who didn't go to college, all the guys with the cocks in the balls, all the guys who don't give you their pronouns, that place has been completely rebuilt by just them. Amen. Nobody looks like you. Nobody uses pronouns.

No he-shees. None of your fucking freak shows. None of your Admiral Levine's. Nobody looks like that. It's just a bunch of fucking dudes who go by he and him. Fuck yeah. That's good. Rebuild it.

Yeah. Yeah, you need Mike Rose children in there every now and then, dude. That's what you need. But it's a great point. It's like you're trying to build this. You're going to have places that are going to fall apart, you know? At some point, guys are going to be like, we're not rebuilding for these motherfuckers anymore. That's true.

At some point, you're going to have a military that's like, I'm not fighting this fucking war for you anymore. You go fucking figure it out. Right, right, exactly. That's why they contract military guys in there. So they're fucked a lot of times. People don't realize that. Yes, that's good point. But also, the binary world we live in now, everything's got to be, like I said, black

first white. So women hear that and they go, oh, you hate women? You're like, no, no, we love women. Women are awesome. Martha Stewart rules. But can't we both be awesome? Why don't we have to have one or the other? Like, oh, these men talking about, they're complaining. Fuck men. Women are great. You're like, yeah, women are great. But why can't men be great too? Let's just both be great. Yeah, but it's like, I don't know. Sorry, we went off on a road again. No, no. But it's just a weird time. It's a heightened time. It is. It is. And I think we used to go at each other racially and now that like I feel like

racial harmony obviously never gonna be perfect but now we just go out each other opiniony you don't agree with me you don't agree with me fuck you I'll kill you and it used to be

we used to be divided up in different ways mostly by race you know back in the 50s whites only blacks only but now it's like we're divided by opinion and it's if you don't agree

with somebody they just take it personally and then they lash out at you and you're like but not agreeing on everything is I like pussy, gay guys like dick. You know, we don't have to fight about it.

Yeah, we're both going to Cincinnati. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But, dude, no, that's a great point. Tell me a little bit more about that, man, because I think I fall victim to that too sometimes. Like, kind of say that again for me. Well, everything is opinion and what side you're on and what stance you take. And if you don't agree with that, opinion fully,

or one little thing, not even fully. One little thing about it, I don't buy that part. then they just turn on you and they go, you're the enemy. And you're like, well, how do we get here? You know? And we got to just start going, oh, you think that? Why? Oh, I never thought of it that way.

I mean, I still think this, but you think that and can we all get along? Yeah, why do we get so attached to our... I think because we have no identity anymore. People have no identity. Everything's so easy. We got modernity. We got a phone. We got Uber Eats up our ass.

We got anything you can just get shit delivered to your house and no one's living anymore. No one's like connecting. You know, we used to have kind of a community. And all this shit has been said before. But I think before you actually had to like do shit and get your hands dirty and now everything's given to us. And if something doesn't go our way, we don't know how to handle anymore. We're, shit used to not go your way at all back in the day. Like your fucking kids would die.

So you had another kid or, you know. It used to be your kids would die. You would have another kid like two days later. Yeah. And everybody just got along and dealt with it. They wasn't like a guy going, ah, my kid died, I'm bummed out, I'm doing a go-fund me. And everybody goes, you're so brave, good for you. Right.

And they would even name the new kid the same name as the other kid. They would be like Matthew the 2nd or whatever. Yes, yes. Matthew 2. Like it was like one of those Apollo returning things or whatever. It was a sequel. Yeah. Yeah.

Avengers 9. We're Fasten the Furious. This is Fasten the Furious. This is Fasten the Furious. This is Avengers 8. Yeah. Bro, that's such a good point, man. Wow.

It doesn't have to be like this. but I think it gives you an identity and a personality to attack oh, Theo thinks this, I'm going to go against Theo because I'm this and I got to show everybody on this. I got to plant my flag. Right. Yeah, and that's what they call identity politics, right? I guess so, yeah.

It's bad news. What is the term identity politics? Bring it up. I just want to see what it means so I know. And everybody has to start us in it as a white man, as a black woman, as a gay Jew, as a quefy bitch. Identity politics is based on a particular identity such as ethnicity, race, nationality, religion,

denomination, gender, sexual orientation, social background, political affiliation, caste, age, disability, intelligence, and social class. What's kind of interesting, because you also have to represent, like, you have to speak up sometimes for where you're from. Like, you know, otherwise your group

can get totally just trampled over. I guess so. But at the same time, it's like... But there's a hierarchy. That's part of the problem, too. It's like black trans is more important than white lady. Yeah, yeah, than Asian. Sagittarius or whatever.

Yeah, yeah. But three Asian Sagittariuses beat one black trans. Exactly. It's like poker now. Yeah. You got a royal flush. Oh, left-handed gay dude for Minneapolis. Forget about it.

Yeah, but that's the other thing is we have to have all these differences. Like black versus white, whatever. But really, when you think about it, we can find a difference anywhere and hate somebody. Like the Hutus and the Tootsies, they're all black, but they just hate each other for some religious reason. I'm too stupid to know. Oh, I'm too stupid too, dude. But what I'm saying is if they join together and just attacked whoever owned the fucking land right near them, there you go. Then they would make some progress.

That's a perfect example. The Bloods and the Crips. It just comes down to clothing at that point. You know, it's blue versus red. It's silly. Yeah. It was something you said a second ago. It was really great.

Oh, the... Oh, these tariffs are getting out of control. Oh, yeah. The tariffs are getting out of control. All the everyday items that will call. American's more following Donald Trump's global tariffs. But here's the thing with tariffs. The goal of tariffs is that if it costs more for people to bring their products in, then they'll build them here.

Yes, that's part of it. Yeah. So it's kind of a long-term play. It's going to take a while. It's going to be bumpy for a while. Right. But that's if it works. Right.

So we'll see. But it might take 10 years. Right. If we don't try this, though, then I think it's a rat. Oh, you think just go for it, bite the belt and go for it. I do because I think at this point, even from my own perception, we'd probably on this tour, this comedy tour, we've been in probably the top 200 cities like Sazwas in America, maybe, maybe even more than that.

And a lot of them, there's nothing there. Yes. It's empty downtowns. Oh, yeah. We're in Amarillo. It's empty downtown. Shreveport, Louisiana is empty downtown. Toledo, Ohio, right?

It's getting a little bit better there. but and that's just a few I mean a lot of places Montgomery just empty and so you start to be like nothing's going to there's nothing coming that's going to make that different right

and maybe it doesn't matter maybe that's just how society changes and evolves and we just end up with like seven big cities in America and the rest of it is just like rural land where people live and have great lives but they're not in like a city and these things fall by the wayside

and don't forget we got automation coming. We've got AI coming. So like jobs are going away quick and everything's digital now. There's nothing manufactured here. And why do we keep building? Right. And that's one of the, that's one of the things that people say, well, even if you bring jobs back here, those jobs are going to disappear because of AI

anyway. Oh, yeah. That's one of the side, that's one of the other arguments against against doing the tariffs at all. Damn. Alan Iverson. It's fucking, it's weird, man. And then the weirdest thing you start to realize, I feel like, is

that you're just a member of your government, whatever choices they're making. Yeah. That's something that's been big recently. It's like, oh, whatever choice the government makes, I'm a member of this country. But if they don't make you feel like you're a part of something, like there's no benefits to be in a member at a certain point, you're like, damn, it's a weird club to be in. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe we've got to overthrow the government. Maybe that's what's next. How do you do that, do you think? I think we got them outnumbered. I mean, we got a lot of people here. Right. And we can, you know, send out a couple of tools. tweets and texts and get everybody on board.

People have guns. You probably got a gun. So there you go. We'll get in there and shoot some people. And where do you meet up, you think? A dollar general or something? Yeah. You know, some nice community place we all know about.

And we'll meet at the KFC slash Taco Bell. Get a meal and revolt. Yeah. Dude, a belly full of fucking. That's a gas chamber. Oh, when those pizzas came out, they were so good. Remember that in high school? Oh, the Mexican pizza.

Amazing. That'll make you want to open the border. God, remember how fucking good they. And when they first came out, I think they might have had even real meat in them, dude. Ooh, those were the days. And someone pooped in the meat over in Mandibale. Really? Oh, the whole town didn't know what to do. There were people crying over at the parking lot.

Could you tell the difference? I don't know if you could or not. Somebody, I don't know who had it. Now, that's the thing. We never found out who had it, but they really busted it. Run a research on that poop in the meat over there at Taco Bell. Well, what do you think it is now? Horse or a dog?

Manneville, Louisiana. I'm not sure. It tastes damn good either way. I love Taco Bell. That's probably my favorite fast food. Sudoledges feces found in Taco Bell item. There you go. A new lawsuit has been filed against Taco Bell restaurant

just months after the company settled a series of lawsuits out of court following in 1995 Hepepatitis Hotbreak. In the suit filed Wednesday, third district. I don't know. This is fucking getting me laugh. an anonymous couple and their 10-year-old son alleged the boy found feces in a soft-shelled taco. Damn. bought it a drive-up window at the Cottonwood Heights Taco Bell, Fort Union Boulevard.

Oh, this is in a mind. Doesn't this Salt Lake City, man. Oh, yeah, imagine eating that, that Chippo. I know, huh? God. Damn, you got to put a lot of fire sauce on that turd. Yeah. Just to get it down.

Yeah, just to get that motherfucker down. Yeah. You ever tasted shit? Huh? I don't think so. Have you had any accidentally with the baby being around? Oh, well, they say shit's on everything. Your keyboard is apparently a fucking cesspool of flint water.

But yeah, I mean, I've tasted piss. Yeah. That was not pleasant. Oh, I've had a little even during a fast one time. I was fast for like three or four days. I was in the shower and I fucking, you don't even realize what you're doing. Wait, how did you get the piss in your mouth? I'll piss straight up.

Damn, that's impressive. Piss straight up. You got a good stream. I just think to the top of my head if I'm standing there. No way. Yeah. That's damn. That's not easy, especially at our age. I can piss really good, man.

Wow. I can piss pretty, I'm trying to think. Yeah, I can piss pretty good. And then you just get a fucking, yeah, I've been fasting. I took a side sip off that bitch, because. You know what I'm saying, dude? You got to try it once. I'll show them.

Yeah, it's a weird flavor. It's tangy as shit. Yeah, it's very, um, it's kind of like hot coffee. That's what I'm an ex-girlfriend used to say. Really, she's a keeper. I mean, I let her go, unfortunately. Oh, damn. God, dude.

What's she up to now? Hanging out with R. Kelly, I guess. Working in, I'm not even sure. Probably working at that Geiser Park in National Geographic, dude. Hot Springs, baby. What else do we want to talk about, dude? Well, I think the world is on fire. So buy some whiskey.

I'm selling a whiskey out there. Me and Sam started a whiskey. Oh, Bodega Cat. You got it. Yep. Yeah, it's not legal in Tennessee yet, but we're going to get it here. God damn it. Let me see if what we can do here.

Please. The red tape is bananas. It is? Yeah, it's so hard to get at places. Is it? Oh, yeah. It's all mob run. It's all super mobby.

And you got to work your way in. Yeah, there's all these old-fashioned rules and shit. Damn. Yeah, Sam's drinking it on Seth Myers right there. Oh, he took it on there? Yeah. So bodega cats. So didn't they just have an issue too about bodega cats in New York?

Probably. They're always there. That's where we got that. the idea. Really? Yeah, we just, you go, you're going to a bodega. There's always a cat sleeping on the bread,

and you always go, it warms your heart. So we go, hey, how about a whiskey? That'll warm your heart. Yeah, I love that idea. Bodega cats make New Yorkers hearts per, even if they violate state regulations. Oh, yeah, I'm sure it's a health code thing, but. But they had rat issue there, so of course you can't get

fucking mad. Exactly. You need a bodega cat. You need them. New York City's bodega cats are beloved fixtures in the Big Apple, but they're on the wrong side of the law. Ooh. The convenience store cats that live at many of the city's bodegas

and delis look innocent enough, spending their days lounging and sun-soaked storefronts or slinking between shells of snack foods as they collect friendly pets from customers. State law bars, most animals from stores that sell food with bodega owners potentially facing fines. You can't bill these fucking guys. They're probably charging these cats to even be in the city after 4 p.m., I bet. Yeah, right? But you need it.

It's old school. If you get rid of the rat, you get a cat, that's like as old as time. But the rats hate the cat. It's like an Indian with deodorant. They don't get along. Oh, yeah, bro. Oh, it's that full-body swarma, brother. Oh, yeah.

It's palpable. Oh, it's that scurry. I'll fucking run from that shit. If I smell it, I got to go. Oh, yeah. That's crazy. So, Bodega Cat is a new, it's a whiskey. It's a rye whiskey, yeah.

It's been around for a while. We're just, it's such a slow process. We're getting in one bar at a time. We got in all the comedy clubs, a lot of theaters. Do you? Yeah. Is it down at the mothership? It is.

Yes. That's awesome. So if you were at, At the Mothership, you can order Bodega Cat. Yep. Is it a good whiskey? It's a great whiskey. We taste tested a million of them.

We've had like experts try it and they like it. We got it at the comedy store, the comedy seller. I mean, it's all over. Really? Oh, yeah, coast to coast. And is it, it has alcohol in it? It is a big bottle of whiskey, yeah. Okay.

So you can't, so, yeah, if you can't drink, you can't drink, but you could get one for a friend. Yeah. You could watch your dad drink it, watch your mom drink it. Do you mix it with something? You can have it straight up. It's got a nice spice to it, or you can put soda water or coke or whatever the hell. Bad decisions. Mix it up. Bodega Cat, dude. I want to see you guys win with this. We're trying. We want to retire on this puppy, and it's people seem to like it when they try it.

So get a bottle. I love that. And this is you and... Sam Maril. Oh, that's hilarious, dude. Yeah. Just a couple of old pals. We feel like you're sober now. Everybody got sober on us. So we're like the last men barely standing. You know, we're, we're hunched over.

Yeah, Shane, but he's a beer guy. Yeah, he's. So we like the liquor. So like Dan Soder, Joe List, all these guys, they got, they got sober. Burt's out there. Yeah, Bert is definitely the Neil Armstrong of alcohol. Yeah, yeah. Or whatever that guy is, he's just out on the moon.

Yes, one small step for alcoholism. Yeah, I'm just trying to think of there's something else we should talk about. Go through the news really quick stories. a couple. Trump had that gold card thing for wealthy immigrants to expedite citizenship. Yeah. Oh, that's doing well. Oh, that gold card?

Yeah. Trump had that gold card. Is it doing well? I heard they sold a thousand of them already. Nuh. Which is what? What's that? Five million?

I'm an idiot. Times 1,000. That is 500 million. Thank you. That's a lot of scratch. No, it's more than that. It's $5 billion. Is it?

Jesus. Do 5 million times 1,000. God. We should know this. You had it. The second time. Second time. Asian.

St. Tammany Parish. Yeah, that's AI. He's going to take over. He pulled out the Trump car. President Trump proudly showed off the design of his administration's new $5 million gold card to reporters aboard Air Force One on Thursday. Let me just see what it looks like, dude. Yeah. Are they selling commemorative ones?

They have to be. That's a smart move. But does it look like a Walmart card or like a Costco? It's got to look cool. Ah, damn. It looks Chinese. That's like Mao. Bro.

Fucking so Mao, dude. But that's wild that they're selling those. What do you think about that? Because now it's like this. You can just be a citizen of $5 million. Well, I feel like if you got five mill to throw away to get in America, you want to get here. And you're not like a poor guy. Right.

So you probably have, you're probably doing all right. So yeah, bring them in. So it's become like a home for the elites. This has become a, it's become the centropay or whatever. There you go. Of humanity. But do they still have to pass immigration tests? What is the rules with that?

Oh, good question. You hope so. You can't just buy your way in. You've got to still do the homework. Dude, I'm going to do that. If I get to meet him again, I'm going to ask him if I can have one of those as a gift. Oh, my God. But you're already in.

You don't need one. But I'll stay in. Yeah, and you can frame that bitch. I'm staying in, mom. You could use that at every bar. Here, you want my ID? Goldie. Suck it.

Well, what does it say? Does he have any other information on it? Sidney Sweeney could sell a few of those to her box, I'll tell you that. God, dude. I can't believe you came in your wife again. I know. I got to get my shit together. Mark.

Yeah, I'm an idiot. We'll see what happens. She's very fertile. Is she? Oh, yeah, fertile, myrtle over here. God. You could throw a... I've never done that.

You've never gotten a lady pregnant? I've never ejaculated in a woman. What? Yeah. Wow. Talked about this before. Yeah, my whole life I haven't. That's, boy, you got good willpower.

Even when you were drinking? Yeah. Man, I'm impressed. Goodwill spunking. That's my movie coming out. The proposal aims to supplement or replace the existing EB-5 immigrant investors visa program, which required foreign investors to create or preserve 10 permanent full-time jobs for U.S. workers. The gold card simplifies this process by allowing the wealthy foreigners to pay $5 million for a visa,

granting them green card. privileges and a route to citizenship. Do they self to pass immigration? Let me see. At the White House press conference on February 26th, Trump and the U.S. Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnik introduced the concept of a gold card as a new pathway to U.S. citizenship. It's not a bad idea that there's this golden ticket, kind of, because at least they're

making money off it. I'm just curious to see. They've talked about getting rid of the Fed, getting rid of the IRS, if that shit can happen. Yeah, that's some big moves. Very radical. It'd be crazy. And we wouldn't have to pay taxes anymore, like just...

Well, we used to not have income tax in America back in the day. I know. That came up later. It'd be nice to get back to that. Oh, and we could use it. I mean, eggs are $9 million now. Are they? Eggs are way through the roof.

Yeah, they busted more people bringing eggs in than they busted fentanyl dealers, which is kind of insane. Is that a joke? No. Whoa! How do you carry that in? I mean, fentanyl. At least you can throw it in a car tire or something. But eggs, you got to really...

You got to hide that. Shipping and handling. I know. That's a good point, huh? You just walk real slow with them bouncing your head. U.S. sees large rise in border seizures of eggs while fentanyl rates fall. Damn. Well, at least fentanyl's going down.

With egg prices soaring due to the bird flu outbreak, border officials say they're catching more people attempting to bring eggs in the United States illegally. U.S. customs and border protection said this week that seizure of raw eggs have risen by 48% at entry points. Damn. In fact, sharp increases in egg seizures are outpacing borders. official interceptions of deadly fentanyl. It's so much easier to catch an egg, though.

Of course, of course. You just shake a guy and then watch it run down his leg. Yeah. We got to get a chicken. What are we doing? Just get your own chicken. You'll be like, it's like growing your own weed now. Yeah, it really is, dude.

Dude, make a fucking fenton omelet. That's what I would do about that. He's got to go, man. And then you wanted to the chickens know about the egg prices? They'd probably feel pretty good about themselves. Like, damn, I'm shitting out gold here. Yeah, imagine the press. They would walk around with.

Exactly. And now Hooters is gone, so they're not getting chopped up for the wings? Chickens are living the dream. Dude, I quit. The last Hooters I went to was that went around the fucking West Bank over there. Oh, yeah. The one where Anthony Davis... No.

Oh! Look at that! Oh, shit, I even realized that. That's crazy. That's a NOL one. That's a NOL one. That's one where Anthony Davis allegedly knocked up the waitress. Remember that?

Yes. Hoot Ed on the bag, baby. Yeah, that was a great Hooters. God, it was pretty good over there. Oh, yeah. But if RFK. saw us eating that. He'd shit the bed. I don't know. Yeah, it'd be crazy to see what would happen, man.

If they stop hooters, we're all going to be bad off. We do need better food. I think, like, a lot of people get mad about RFK, but I'm like, we are sick, we are fat, we are obese, and we are, we pay the most in health care, and we're the least healthy. And racism, too. Sure. I can't really fix that. But you don't see somebody fasting that's used into fucking racial slurs. That's true.

You don't see somebody fasting, yelling ch-out of their fucking window with their, last, like, living available energy. Right. But if you yell the N-word, you better run fast. You got to get the hell out of there. Yeah, you got to be fast. Yeah. That's a different kind of fasting.

One more thing. Anything else you want to talk about again before we leave, Mark? Anything you want to think of us? Oh, boy, I feel like we covered a lot. We did. We totally did. You got to ask out Sidney Sweeney. That could be your next kid.

Could be a Sweeney. She's going to be upset though. We talked about her breasts, I bet, in the beginning. Yeah, but I think she's hurt at all. I mean, imagine the fucking creepy. Bo's DM and her. It's a good point. Yeah, and you're telling me to DM her now.

Well, but you're a nice guy. You're successful. You're funny. She's going to be upset though. But we were just joking. Yeah, of course. We're joking, you know. We were just joking, dude.

I just watched White Lotus season one. That was great. Oh, nice. Yeah. Two is good, and three is bananas. It is? I mean, they upped it. I can't even imagine.

It's naughty. It's dark and don't watch it with your parents. I'll just say that. Tuesdays with stories, that's it? Tuesday's stories. and we might be drunk. Those are the pods. Yeah, I still gotta fucking come up there, man. We'd love to have you. It's an open invite anytime.

I owe you, man. No, no, no, no, I know you're a busy quiff. What about Luigi? I heard he's going to the death chair. Mangione? Yeah. Uh-uh. Oh, yeah. Did he really?

I heard he's getting the death penalty. Maybe I'm wrong. But, yeah, look at that guy. Kind of pisses me off, man. The irony. Well, it sucks that he did this. You know, you shouldn't go around killing people. But it didn't change anything. That's the worst part.

Well, it just shows you, man. I mean, I saw Luigi Mangione facing a slew of federal and state charges in the sling of healthcare CEO, Brian Thompson. Could be sentenced to death if he's convicted of federal murder charges and what criminal justice experts say was a rare but unsurprising move to pursue the death penalty by the Justice Department this week.

Damn. Dude, remember Attorney General Pam Bondi announced Tuesday that she's instructed federal prosecutors to seek the death penalty from Mangio in 26. Dude, remember what happened with those Epstein binders? Remember that shit? Oh, yeah. That and the JFK.

That just kind of went away. Well, I think there was nothing new in the JFK, right? I think everybody just kind of like, it feels like there's nothing new there. But remember the binders? They gave them all to these, like, six, like, kind of bizarre influencers. Yeah.

And look how, I mean, bro, how staged, this is the most staged thing ever, right? Yeah, and they can be like, today's the day, it's coming out. And you're like, what are you doing to me? And then nothing has happened since then. No, they're edging us with this list. Yeah.

How could it take this many years? How fake are procured. It's almost like you're just, I bet in the background, they are threatening everybody. You're going to be on this list. Yeah. If you don't fucking file suit right now. That's got to be it. It's leverage.

And then look at this binders. I mean, how fake is that? Well, we got Gislein. She's just sitting in a jail cell. Let's talk to that, broad. Who is it? Jisleine Maxwell. She did all the recruiting.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. She was like the, um, she did the college recruiting or whatever. Yeah, yeah. She ran the portal. Yes, exactly the portal. Yeah, she's around. We can talk to her, but no. That's a good point.

Where is she? What is she up to? I think she's sitting in a jail cell, like living it up. It's getting fucking interesting in the world, guys. If you want to live in an interesting time, fucking this is it. This is it. You like playing the game, Clue.

This is it, man. That's it. Every day is clue. You know, it's a school shooter in the homeroom with the AK. Yeah, every day, dude. The pelicans suck still. Yeah. Yeah. They fucking suck.

What else is new? Yep, that's it. Saints, you hope for them next season? Always, always. I feel like we got one Super Bowl win in 2010, and it's all downhill. But we had the Super Bowl in New Orleans look fucking amazing. Did you go? No.

I killed me. I was texting Gillis. I was taking Bert. Like, I had so much. FOMO because, you know, we're from there and it was just... We should have been there. The city was alive. We should have been there.

I just had a kid, so I couldn't leave. Oh, that kid's only a couple months old? Yeah, two months. Wow. Crazy. Is it, do you really miss it when you're gone from it? I do. He's in the car right now.

You're lying. No, no. But, yeah, he's... Oh, God, order him a coffee or something. That's a lot, man. Congratulations, dude. I feel like I didn't ask good enough about your kid. No, no.

Everybody's got a kid. It's a retard. and crackheads have kids, you know. It's not that big of a deal. Is it fun having a kid in the city, or does it make you start to think about moving out? Well, I got lucky me and the lady, we had the kid on the way, so we moved to Brooklyn, we got a backyard,

we got some space, so that helps. Okay. But I just, I like New York. Yeah. So we're staying. You're an energy. You like, you're that guy. Yeah. Comedy. Mark Norman, thanks so much, dude. You have your new series that's on YouTube. It's on

Punch Up Live, which is like a paywall. ball kind of thing. So go to punchup live.com, page of stage. Okay. Page to stage. You got it. And you have your two podcasts Tuesdays with stories. Yep.

We might be drunk. We might be drunk. Martin Norman, thanks so much, dude. Have a blast at Kill Tony, man. Thank you. If we can even say you're doing it. Yeah. Who'd at, dude?

Who'd at for life? Good to see you, buddy. You two, man. Thank you, bro. these leaves I must be cornerstone that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found I can