Toni and Ryan - Raise The Ruth

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

A marathon runner gets into some trouble, and so do we. Love you!!!Check out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toniandryanpodcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author Tony Lodge. Hello. And we are calling Michelle King. Michelle King. And not only is she a king, she is from the OC in California. So she's a hot girl. A hot girl king. Ooh, a hot king.

Hello? Michelle! Hello, Michelle! It's Tony and Ryan. Yeah! Hi! How are you going? What have we interrupted you doing today? I actually just got my son from the bus and he's sitting here

and I said, oh, my gosh, they haven't called yet, so you're going to be here when they call. Do you want to listen? He's only nine. We've got two for the price. Hello. Hang on. Are you saying he is nine years old?

Yeah, he really is only nine years old. Well, we'll be patient. Yeah, that's all right. We'll take our time when he's driving ahead of us. Michelle, will you approve today's episode? Oh, absolutely. I've been waiting for this for a couple years, so 100%. And we've been waiting for you, a hot California girl, to approve our podcast for years, so congratulations.

You know, I was really hoping you would say that. Oh, and we did. And you're hot and we're approved. Let's get it. Hi, this is Michelle from California and I approve this podcast. Happy Tuesday. Happy Tuesday. We're going to do confessions. You can go to our brand new website and submit your confessions. There's a whole page where you can submit anonymously.

There's a page where you can submit normal or nas. And I think we've got a page that's just like any other random cooked story that doesn't fit anywhere else but you feel like we need to see it and read it out on the show. Pop it in. Pop it right in. There's also merch you can buy. Also merch you can buy, which will help pay for the website,

which was a good job, though, by Siri. It looks great. Oh, it does look really good. Marathon running confession from NotRuth. Oh. So just like. Struth. Just like anyone who is not the girl from Veep,

this confession is from anyone except Ruth. Okay. Well, I think it's pretty fucking clear that the person that wrote this was Andy McDowell. It's actually a confession from Andy McDowell. Andy McDowell run the Melbourne marathon. If she was a 25 year old from Europe. I guess she was at one point, weren't we all? Marathon running confession from

NotRuth. Hang on, a European? Didn't you say that they run the Melbourne? I guess you could travel to Melbourne. I guess you could probably maybe listen to the story. How about I shut the fuck up? Yeah, I mean, I didn't want to be the one to say it. Sorry, Andy McDowell, I can't talk right now. I'm just recording a podcast. Sorry, she just called me. I'm European, and when I

filled out the Melbourne... Oh, but in the toilet, she's European. Just call me. I'm European, and when I filled out the Melbourne. Oh, but in the toilet, she's, you're a poon. Something tells me this one-minute confession story is going to take a long time to get through. If you're Australian in the lounge room, what are you in the bathroom? You're a poon. Oh, my God. Sorry. Oh, my God.

But if you're from Queensland and you're in the toilet, you're pooing. You're pooing? That's in New South Wales. That's funny. Fuck! Fuck! It's in New South Wales. I'm so angry about that.

Keep going. The Yippoon pineapple. Are you sure that's in New South Wales? I feel like Yippoon's in New South Wales. No, Yippoon's in Queensland. Yeah, fuck you! No, it's in New South Wales. I feel like your poon's in your- No, your poon's in Queensland. Yeah, fuck you. No, it's far north Queensland. I take back my angry yells.

I'm sorry. I thought that my joke had fucking shit the bed, but now we're all okay and we're all back on track and I'd love to hear about this beautiful not Ruth who was running the marathon. When were we talking about that? I don't know. I'm so sorry.

Shout out to everyone in Yippoon. There's heaps of people. How many people have been in Yippoon this week? It's booming. Tourist time. Tourism is hot. I know up there they don't have summer and winter. They have hot season and wet season.

Yeah, but down there they do. So when is wet season in your poon? Is it now? It's always wet season in your poon. My poon. Oh, yours. Oh, my poon's actually in South Australia. Your poon's far north.

They're two separate towns. I'll give you a blowy and mowy. James, can you let me know when I'm good to do the confession? Yeah, let us know when we should start recording this podcast. Okay. Thank you. Marathon running confession. So the thing about your pen.

I knew it. Nah, sorry, sorry, sorry. Marathon running confession from NotRuth. It's truth. I'm European, and when I filled out the... I can't do the confession without saying where she's from because it won't make sense. Okay.

So she's from your poon. She probably is from someone's poon, I guess. Let me rewrite this because if I say the word that starts with E and ends in European. Fire? Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll be a professional.

I'm all good. All right. Just don't question. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'll be a professional. I'm all good. All right. Just don't question. There's a marathon running confession from NotRuth.

It's true. I filled out the Melbourne marathon entry form and I put the month and date and year in the wrong order because I'm from another place where that's how they fill it out. And there will be no further questions on that. where that's how they fill it out. And there will be no further questions on that. Even though I was 25 years old, turns out I entered myself into the over 75s category because of the numbers in the wrong spot. And marathons, everyone runs at the same time.

They just have staggered starts, but it's the same thing, isn't it? So she went, oh, you know what? Probably doesn't really matter. Doesn't really matter. Until a few weeks later, I received a huge package at home with a medal and a frame certificate because I was the winner of the over 75s category. I broke the all-time record for an over 75 marathon run. Straight.

Straight. Some lady named Ruth came second. She also. They're both called Ruth. Coincidence chat. No. What are the odds of them both being called Ruth? Some lady named Ruth came second and would have also broken the old record. If not for me beating her time on this day. She's not called Ruth. Some lady named Ruth came second and would have also broken the old record

if not for me beating her time on this day. She's not called Ruth. It's because it's not Ruth. I think it's pretty clear who's not Ruth. See, I'm not really getting it, but now I do. Ruth will never know. My mind's in your mind. Sorry.

Yeah. Where's your mind? It's in your map at Tassie. Sorry, my eyes are twitching because I'm really trying not to laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know the town that's just slightly just next door to your poo? My arsehole. Sorry.

I'm fucked. I'm done. I'm actually done. Sorry. Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So both called Ruth. Sometimes we, as a teenager, I'd go on holidays to Yippoon,

but after a while you'd want to like change. You went to Yippoon a few times. But then after a while you'd like, oh, maybe we should change it up, so you'd instead go to the town called. My asshole. Birth rate surprisingly lower there too. I know I've been called been trying not to laugh, but that might be the funniest thing I've ever said.

I actually am about to throw up. I'm so hot. I'm really hot. If this is your first episode, I'm so sorry. We're normally more better than this. Okay. Ruth will never know that she was beaten by someone 50 years younger than her. And if not for my data entry error, she would be the winner

and the record holder of the 75 years and over Melbourne marathon. Wow. Well, good job. Good job, Ruth. Both Ruths. There's only one. Blow the Ruth up. Raise the Ruth.

Raise the Ruth. She's broken a record. Fucking Ruthless, eh? I'm actually not going to read the next one. No. Because I don't think we've got the mental capacity. I'm sorry, okay? Next week on Confessions, instead, we will

learn about the girl who has orgasms in weird places. Actually, that might have taken place in Yippoon. And I've also had one in my arsehole. The birth rate, though, quite low. I'm so hot. Play the music sting and let's just take a moment. Hi, this is Michelle from California and you're listening to Tony and Ryan.

A massive shout out to a few of our champion tapas from our Patreon. Where are they from? They're from my arsehole. Kiar Zarafa, thank you so much. Catherine Ellingsworth. Thanks, Catherine. She's getting her Ellingsworth. Marissa Wilson, Carly Coco and Emma Orkavanyi.

Thank you so much Legends You can also check out the new TonyandRyan.com.au Where you can submit your confessions and we'll try and fucking read them We'll give it a good shot The normal or nice And there's a lot of merch there as well New merch you can go and check out

The website's great TonyandRyan.com.au So thanks to everyone who's buying them So we've recently kind of announced and talked about Well shared with the Tarpers, Tony and Ryan podcast, from around the world, that we've just gotten our own office. We have. And we feel like big kids because we've been sharing

for such a long time. It feels like moving out of home. Don't you reckon? It's kind of got that vibe. And because all the guys we share with now have been, like, so nice and supportive, it's like, oh, like mum and dad are like pushing us out of the nest. Yeah.

And we've been. Pushing. Yeah. Get the fuck out. I'm sorry to let you guys know we're actually leaving. They're like, oh, thank fucking Christ. Thank God we don't have to deal with Tony anymore and her tuna and rice in the office.

Anyway, just a hot girl eating tuna and rice in the office. Yeah, it's that good. Yeah. Just, I just wanted to refresh everyone's memory. What is, Ryan, the highest qualification you have, like, tertiary-wise, like, for university? That I have? Yeah.

A graduate diploma or an honours degree? I don't know which is higher out of those two. And what's that in? Commerce, business. So, like, but you're an accountant, right? I don't know which is higher out of those two. And what's that in? Commerce, business. So like, but you're an accountant, right? I was, yeah. Math chat. No, not really.

Not really? I'm not good at maths. But are you, what's that thing? You're a qual or a quant? A qual or a quant, yeah. Yes, but you're a quant. No, I'm a qual. Oh, so you're not good with math chat.

No. But did you do year 12? Yeah. Okay. So same, did you do year 12? Yeah. Okay. So same, right? And I've got my advanced diploma, but in sound engineering. Yeah. So no math chat.

I'm also a qual. If you had to decide what I was, I'm absolutely a qual. Business school chat is qual versus quant. But it's like the big picture versus the nitty gritty of the numbers, right? I've got the big picture in my mind at all times. But I wouldn't say. You've decided that leap. I don't know if anyone's going to back you up on that.

Okay. But I'm not really good at details. Okay. I'm also not very good at maths. Fuck, what have you ordered now? What have you ordered now? For instance. I don't know whose card.

For instance, if... Don't gas me up with the NBA chat to soften me up. Because you know that's my area. Oh, she's talking about my interests. What a lovely girl. I do know that's your area. And I thought I'd just like to set the scene as well. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So... How much?

No, no, no. Oh, no, don't be silly I'm not a details girl So I would just like to say that I have actually taken on the project of the office Like I have done Well I've done You've done all the ordering stuff

Like all of the stuff I've been waiting there for deliveries and stuff And you've been doing a great Actually I'm going to actually reserve my Because Okay Yeah, before whatever you're about to say You have been doing a great – actually, I'm going to actually reserve my – Okay. Yeah, before whatever you're about to say, you have been doing a great job.

Oh, thank you. So – Take the compliments while you can, mate. Like we needed a big piece of carpet. Yeah. And I knew – Soundproof, big empty space. Yeah, so we kind of needed like a bit of carpet so that we weren't stomping around and you couldn't hear it in the podcast.

Yeah. And so the area was three metres by three metres. Yeah. And so I was like, cool, need a big bit of carpet for that area. Yep. And I ordered a big piece of carpet. Yeah. That was three metres squared.

So three square metres. I think three square metres. Yeah, so three metres squared. Well, three metres squared and three square metres is not the same thing, which is maybe where we went wrong in the first place. So the thing is, is that three by three isn't three metres squared. Isn't it? Is it way How big?

Is it way too big or way too small? Way too small. Oh, okay. So I wasn't supposed to get three square metres. I was supposed to get nine square. Because three metres squared is. Thank you very much. But three square metres, yeah, they're not the same thing.

The other day I'm like waiting at the office. This is qual chat though. Okay, good. No, this is quant chat. Okay, they're not the same thing. The other day I'm like waiting at the office. This is qual chat though. Okay, good. No, this is quant chat. Okay, don't call me that please. So I'm waiting at the office and the guy drops the carpet off. And I go, like, that's a lot smaller than it should be. I fight a dollar for every time I'd heard that.

And I go, well, that's not it. So you didn't let him take it off the truck? And he goes, this is what you've ordered. And I said, no, no's not it. So you didn't let him take it off the truck? And he goes, this is what you've ordered. And I said, no, no, no, no, no. I ordered three metres square. And he goes, oh, well, it's probably like longer. And I said, no, no, no, no. It should be as long as it is wide.

And he said, what? And this is just a delivery guy. And he's like, I don't give a fuck, man. I'm going to pay to drop it off. All good. But I said, I ordered three square metres of carpet. And he goes, I don't give a fuck, man. Like, but I said. Drop it off. All good. But I said, I ordered three square meters of carpet. And he goes, I don't need. Because I'm looking at this box and it looks like it's one meter long.

You've ordered a doormat. Well, I ordered one meter by three because it was three square meters. So we've got a little landing strip. So we've got. And so a bit like the business class flight palaver of 2023, I got what I thought was a really good deal. I was going to say, how much did we pay for this landing strip? So this landing strip of carpet was like $300.

What the fuck? For a doormat? No, no, no. So it's still three metres long. It's just not three metres wide. So it's still three metres long. It's just not three metres wide. So it's three by one instead of three by three. Yeah.

So three of those would be $900. So that's not a good deal. So not a good deal at all. Yeah, basically the opposite of a good deal. I'm just going to get an off cut of this carpet, she said. Because I was like, that's so much cheaper than a rug, and especially this bit that I found. But so basically I just wanted to clear up that like it's actually really confusing whether it's three metres squared or three by three.

Like how are you supposed to know? Show me the website and I'll probably show you how you're supposed to know. Well, I'm just telling you that I did my best and everybody, the whole team, is very happy with our office. Why are you being so aggressive? No, I just need to redo the carpets, the only thing. Okay. And I'm really sorry.

Are you going to go back to the same place or do we maybe reconsider getting a rug? I think I'm just going to call a carpet place and get nine square metres or a three-by-three room, which you can get for like $400. I just fucked up. Why are we anti-rug is my question. Just because a huge rug is really expensive.

So is fucking. No. So what? Yeah, yeah. question. Just because a huge rug is really expensive. So's fucking. So what? Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe just buy a doormat for $300. Okay. No. No, no, no. That's way cheaper. Well, um. So I've heard. Yeah. Okay. Well, yeah. So I'm, I'll fix it.

I'll fix the problem. I just wanted to say that it's really confusing. Well, I don't know what the three square meters is. Don't fucking... I'm just a tiny girl me right now. My strengths lie in other areas. And I actually didn't fuck up really anything else yet.

So I still think that I'm on a winning... Touch wood, everyone. I think I'm still doing really well. It's just that little minor detail. It's going to cost us a bit more money. Please sign up to Patreon. Yeah, we really need your support right now. Question. Will they take it back?

Will they do a refund? Will they do a return? I am in the process of trying to... I think you should call them. Not message. Call. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I reckon go Celia and Younger. Oh, you won't believe what I've done. That's okay, sweetie.

Yeah, I'll try that. Turn on the waterworks. Turn it right on. Where are they based? I'm not sure. Can we return up? No, you can't do that, can you? Give them the waterworks.

Go in there. I'm so sorry. And my boss is really angry. Yeah, I'm the boss. Yeah, your boss sounds like a real bitch. She is. She is. Yeah, she's really pretty though.

Yeah, she's so hot and I wish she put out more. So. Yeah, so it's just like I'll fix it. I just needed everybody to know that I've done really well up until just that one little maths error. Okay. And it was just. Because you're a qual, not a quant. Exactly. And I've done really well up until just that one little maths error. Okay. And it was just. Because you're a qual, not a quant.

Exactly. And I've always said that. Yeah. How was the quality of the carpet? Beautiful. I mean. Just not the quantity. See how the difference.

Yes, I understand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you're looking at carpeting an area, buying a rug, whatever, I would just double check these things. Random. Random. Any tarpers looking for one metre by three metres of carpet, it's $450.

Or flip it, anyone got a fucking off cut of high pile rug that they wouldn't mind bloody chucking off the back of a lorry, we would take it at our office. And we'll pay cash. We won't pay anything because I've spent all our money on it. Okay, mom's safe, mom's safe, mom's safe. And you must deliver. Yeah, you have to deliver and it has to be right.

I don't think my nerves can take another fuck up. Actually, genuine question. Genuine question. How many, with a three-by-one strip of carpet, how many door mats or bath mats could we slice out of that? Oh, that's a good idea. And can we sign it and give them away?

That's a good idea. Love it. Or someone could lay that in their house. We could sign the bottom and it would be like a one day like a, oh, I remember when that happened. Remember then? Yeah. Before the scandal?

Yeah. Before the incident? Yeah. Before the incident? Yeah. No, remember that before they fucked up with the other carpet? We've got like another other bit of carpet that we fucked up. Yeah. So just wanted to flag early. No, that's good to get ahead.

Good to be honest. One thing I will say, is you're building and I'd hate to bring this word into disrepute a reputation um tell us version yep for uh interesting purchases on the work card yep uh strangely you bought a lotto ticket not that long ago. I'll just like remind everybody of that. Okay, so my $18 lotto ticket returned $12. Your $300 carpet purchase returned nothing of value to us. Your $3,000 purchase of a plane ticket that you thought was in Australian dollars that was in American that was for your boyfriend on the work card cost slightly more than the $8

that were out of pocket from my lotto. So don't, don't be like, oh, we're all making silly purchases. No, but you were gambling. I wasn't gambling. I just spent the money. It's not gambling if you just throw the money away. It's worse if you might get a return. Disagree.

Because of this, I get to buy that shit lamp I've been showing you. No, disagree. The one that looks like a pencil. We actually can't afford it this, I get to buy that shit lamp I've been showing you. No. Disagree. The one that looks like a pencil. We actually can't afford it because we've got to buy more carpet. Yeah. Yeah, let's rein it in, guys. Let's rein it in. But haven't I done a great job of the office?

You have. Yeah. Thank you. Well, no, I've still done a good one thing doesn't fuck everything up. Well, it depends what the one thing is. Yeah, but this in particular, this one thing doesn't undo all the good work I've done. One thing doesn't fuck everything up. Well, it depends what the one thing is. Yeah, but this in particular, this one thing doesn't undo all the good work I've done. I'd like everybody to remember that.

Thank you. But, yeah, just a little bit of logistics chat is that I'll have to obviously repurchase a different piece of carpet. I'm just going to, before we get to the you love to see it. I love to see how good I am at decorating offices. So you've been doing a lot of like the core products, tables, podcast equipment, decorating. Is that a separate category?

Like when we're talking about like the stuff we need is there and then it's like sprucing out. Is that a different category or taking care of that as well? I can kind of take care of that. I've just like got better taste than you. I don't think so. Because all the weird shit that you've sent through is not okay. No, I just agree.

Actually, I wasted money by accident. You just straight up want to throw money in the bin. A pencil lamp. Absolutely not. If people saw this pencil lamp, they would fucking love it. They would throw up and be like, as if you spent money on that. Here's a question for the tapas for the episode thread today. Question for the tapas for the episode thread today. Question for the tapas for the episode thread today.

When did you order the wrong amount? Too much, too little, wrong size. Yeah. Like, we've all been there. I'm not going to pretend like I haven't been there. Yeah, and I don't just mean like, oh, I bought the wrong size T-shirt, exchanged it, all good. I mean like a real fuck up like this.

Here's an example. Because this is not good. For the new office, I remember yesterday I mean like a real fuck-up like this. Here's an example. Because this is not good. For the new office, I remember yesterday I was like, oh, those little coffee cups? Yep. And so I clicked on it and it was $6 for a cup. And I was like, okay, that's probably very fair, I would have thought, for a pretty fun-looking cup.

And then I click on it and it goes like click purchase to get 12 and it's got 12 in there. And I went. Six bucks for 12 cups? And that's why I was like, are they fucking, I can't believe it. That's like 50 cents each. Yeah. So I'm actually like the official interior decorator.

And until now I've actually done a really good job. So I would like for everybody to just say thank you. Thank you, Tony. And yeah, maybe a rug will come. Yep. Great. Thank you. Thank you very much. And, yeah, maybe a rug will come. Yep, great. Who knows? Thank you. Thank you very much.

Let's not hold our breath. Let's get into a You Love To See It instead. I've got a great You Love To See It to add to Bunker Sticker Chat. Okay. Fran Yong posted this in our Facebook group, and Fran posted this photo. Sorry. Just says, don't honk.

Sorry, we did the office chat and it was really official and sophisticated and now we've gone straight back to your poon. This sticker says, don't honk at me or I'll come. It's got a little emoji. I feel like the emoji is saying, please honk. Please honk. I want to come. Yeah.

Yeah. To your poo. Haven't we seen something similar where I was like, don't bully me or I'll come? Yeah. Which is the best defence. It's so funny. Yeah. Imagine a bully being like, oh, what do you do?

And you go, oh, I love when people bully me. I'm going to, oh. And the bully will just go, oh, fuck it, I'm out of here. Well, yeah, like, I don't want to be in this. Don't want to be jizzed on. So, Fran, thank you for sharing that. Very on brand. Very on brand.

Yeah, very good, Fran. I love that. Headline. Corgi-sized meteor as heavy as four baby elephants has hit Texas, according to NASA. Want me to read the top comment? Can you read the headline again? I feel like I need to get my head around this animal maths.

Corgi-sized meteor. What's a corgi? Like size of Pippa. A bit bigger than Pippa? Yeah, bigger than Pippa. Maybe even BJ size. My dog. Yeah, corgis are big.

No, a corgi's not that big. Oh, but they're not. Pippa's real little. Corgis are little. They're low. But it's. My dog. Yeah, Corgi's a big. No, Corgi's not that big. Oh, but they're not. Pippa's real little. Corgi's a little. They're low. But they're still like a dog. Well, so true. Pippa's like a little ball of cuteness.

She's a little cute. Corgi-sized meteor as heavy as four baby elephants hits Texas. So that's dense. Oh, that's dense. Can I read the top comment? Please. Wow. Americans will go to incredible lengths to avoid using the metric system.

Hey, they're bad at measuring just the same as me. Yeah. Three square meters. I mean, what does that fucking mean? I should have said I need a fucking carpet about the size of yay big plus yay big. You know, two Ryans times one Tony. That's what I should have said I need a fucking carpet about the size of yay big plus yay big. You know, two Ryans times one Tony. That's what I should have told them. If a Ryan and a Tony, two BJs and a Pippa were to lay down.

Yeah, and they go, so what's Pippa? And we go, not a dog, just a ball of cuteness. They go, oh, sure, okay. And do we need enough room for your poon? As long as my arsehole fits up. Yeah, okay. Yeah, all good. Checks out.

Checks out. Tomorrow on the show we've got another edition of Mild Revenge. And it's actually, I think I'm going to change it up. I'm going to call it Mild or Wild. So, Tony, you'll decide if it's like a good mild revenge or if it's actually we're getting a bit crazy. So, if it's actual like getting into like, oh, not just to be. Legitimately fucked.

Yeah, but this might actually be fucked. Okay. Yeah. Well, this is my area. Yeah. It really is. It really is. All right.

Well, we'll chat to you tomorrow. Love ya. Sorry about everything today. See you in your poon. I'll see you in your poon. Yeah, you fucking will. Is that where my wedding ring is? Don Hongo come.

Love you, bye. Bye. Is that where my wedding ring is? Don Hongo, come. Love you, bye.