Toni and Ryan - Raw Dogging in Public

Episode Date: May 26, 2025

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Look, transform your living space today with Cozy. Visit Cozy.ca, that's C-O-Z-E-Y, the home of possibilities made easy. Hello and welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Tony, this is Ryan, and we never start an episode of our podcast without a tarpa approval. Yeah, that's Tony and Ryan podcast.

Now I've got Morgan who's currently traveling in Western Australia. You're originally from Hobart, is that right? Yes, that's correct. Now, can you confirm that- God, if you could just name my two favorite places. I know, right. But can you confirm you're not the person

that Charles met up with from Hinge when we were in Hobart? Is that definitely wasn't you? Yeah, no, man, I'm not my ally. Sorry, Charles. Oh, not anymore. Yeah. She met up with Charles and Hobart and she's gone, you know what? That does not look great. No thanks.

Morgan, will you approve today's podcast? Yes, absolutely. Even after that, Mooks. She went from Hobart to the furthest part away from Chasmania and became gay. She just made it as far as possible away from Charles. Hi, I'm Morgan from Hobart. I'm from Hobart. I'm from Hobart.

I'm from Hobart. I'm from Hobart. I'm from Hobart. I'm from Hobart. I'm from Hobart. I'm from Hobart. I'm from Hobart. I'm from Hobart. I'm from Hobart. I'm from Hobart. I'm from Hobart. I away from Tasmania. And it became gay. As far as possible away from Charles.

Hi, I'm Morgan from Hobart and I approve this podcast. It's Tuesday, Tuesday, gotta get down on Tuesday. It's so far from the weekend. You know how we've done medical comedy in the past? Failed medical comedy for the most part. Coming up today, Great Ocean Road comedy. Okay. And what I'll say is, they're the problem, not me. I agree.

Wholeheartedly stand by you. Thank you. Yesterday you took my side so hard you called a baby ugly. I am on your side so hard that I think the Great Ocean Road is fucking disgusting. No, my favorite place in the world. It's just two moles that work there.

Two moles? Yeah. Um, bring back moles. One at the pub and one at the uh, an ice cream shop I think it was. Okay, if there's two moles at two separate places, you know what the common den Molen and Maider is? I am the mole. You're the mole. I'd love to be the mole on the TV show. I love it. Have you watched the, remember I was telling you about the remake of on Netflix. It's so good. Yeah, and there was a Tony and Orion remember that? Yeah, I do remember. Yeah, you never listened to me. No, I don't watch TV I'm actually better than you I don't it's not a better than you go on next time you're watching TV and I go I'm not I we I wit look I wish I was we're trying to like reduce screen time for Mabes. That's so dull. That sucks.

Well, like being out in the world and living. Oh, no, but having the TV off at home. Yeah. It just turned it on. First let's do confessions. The only thing worse than pissing yourself when you're drunk is pissing yourself twice. This is the confession of a gas lighter.

A person who gaslights not. Yep, not a physical lighter. I was seeing a guy but not anymore for reasons that will soon become apparent. He was out with the boys. I was 16 hours deep into a bottomless brunch bender that ended at Rev's and I somehow still got the come over text. Hang on, who'd been drinking? The person who texted?

They'd both been at, they'd both had a big date. Oh, right. So she'd been out with the girls doing the bottomless brunch that it just kept going and going and going. Yup. He'd been out with the boys and then he's got home and was like, hey baby, you want to come around? Yeah.

Oh. He told me the back door was open and then he hoped mine would be too soon. So at 3am, blind drunk, I snuck into his parents' house, like a feral raccoon and jumped into his bed. We get it done. I fall asleep and then I wake up. And because of the 72 mimosas, I really needed to piss. Yeah.

So, I stumble around, seeing triple, and somehow I end up unleashing the Niagara Falls of piss. But instead of being in his bathroom, I was actually sitting on a bedside table that he made for his year 10 wood project. So, she just walked a few laps in the bedroom and just sat on the bedside table and just pissed. And not just pissed, a Niagara Falls of piss. Now you've been to Niagara Falls, Tony. I have, I have.

How would you describe the veracity of the water? Yeah, you gotta wear a cape. You gotta wear the little poncho. I wipe, I panic. Wipe with what? His year 12 fucking report card. I wipe, I panic, I do a clean up job that honestly deserves an award and sneak back into bed like nothing ever happened.

So you think. At 3am, that's what you reckon. I go back to sleep and I wake up and the sheets are soaked. I've pissed myself again. In the bed, didn't even wake up. Fucking hell. Still wasted. I got, I actually got a pretty good idea.

So she grabs a pump water bottle from the floor, like sort of loosens the lid and just puts the empty-ish bottle in the bed between them. Yes, yeah, that is pretty clever actually. And then she just falls back asleep in her filth and just sort of forgets about it. And then he wakes up and goes, have you pissed yourself?

And she goes, Oh no, this water bottle had stinky piss in it. He bought it. But wouldn't it smell? Like real bad. Especially if you'd been out on the wines all day. And the bedside table. Oh yeah. To this day, he still has no idea and we've never spoken since. I think in that situation, you know what I would do?

I'd wake up first and be like, oh, did you have an accident? Roll him into it? Well, I'd just be like, oh, I think you pissed yourself. You're out gaslighting a gaslighter. I think that I, I think I would. Yeah. Cause I would just be so embarrassed. And he'd wake up, no, no.

I'd just go. If I pissed on someone's bedside table, I would just go. But wouldn't, wasn't the bedside table full of weeds? Yeah. Like, I don't know how he's't it, wasn't the bedside table full of weeds? Yeah. Like I don't know how he's designed it. Yeah, true. I don't know. It was a high school project, so.

If the, you know. Yeah. The flow or if there was, but yeah, I mean, you don't just wipe it up. Like. There's a lot of questions. There's a lot of questions. But do you think the fact they've been hooking up for a while

and he never messaged again, Yeah. It's like, did he buy it? But also her being like, oh, he never knew and we haven't heard from him. I'm like, oh, he knew. Yeah. Like he knows. Yeah.

Yeah. So. Also that- He's a top confession. Is there a bit of a thing of being like, oh, so I snuck into his mum and dad's house. You know, it's like, oh, fuck. Remember those days? Yeah. Like, do you know what I mean? Like live at home and like. Great days. I just.

Great days. Bringing someone back to your fucking childhood bedroom. Like you still live at home. Tony, do you think you and Charles have a good moral compass? Cause I'm about to ask all three of us. I'm going to say a statement and we're going to all say if we agree with the statement. Okay. If what you did resulted in saving a child's life, then what you did must have been good. As in like, do I agree? Yeah, I guess so. Charles?

The outcome's good at the very least. Yeah, the outcome's good. Yeah. The kid survived. So whatever the person did must have been the right thing to do. Unless I killed 10 kids to save one kid, then obviously I should have reversed that. And killed the kid. No, not killed one, but saved 10.

Gotcha. You got to flip it right. A tarpa has a confession. When I was living in Amsterdam, I was totally broke. You got to flip it right. A tarpa has a confession. When I was living in Amsterdam, I was totally broke. I couldn't afford a car, couldn't afford public transport. And because I'm 5 foot 2, all the city bikes, they were just too big.

That's what happens when you're tiny. So I stole a child's bike. Oh. I felt bad. Hang on. were they drunk? Or it was just in general, they stole a child's bike because they were... They were like, oh I need to get around and then they saw this little bike and went, that's probably fit my little five foot two legs.

Might be able to crackle that. Oh my god, that's so fucked. I felt bad, but the bike didn't even run that well anyway. So she stole it and gone, for fuck's sake. So I went, oh, so you return it. Yeah. Like, you know, don't worry about it. No, you take it back to the family and you go like, I did steal this, but it's not that good.

So you can have it. Yeah. No. So she got her friend to have a look at it and the friend was like, good with bikes and whatever. And the friend goes, oh, this bike is so fucked up. It's pretty much a death trap, especially with how the front wheels basically hanging on.

And so my friend fixes the bike and gets it all good. Yeah. And I've practically saved this child's life. No, 100%. Says the tarpa. She finishes with, I am mother Teresa. I actually agree. Yeah. I think that's beautiful. Yeah. Yeah finishes with, I am Mother Teresa. I actually agree. Yeah.

I think that's beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. And we need more people like... Hey, it's Morgan from Hobart and you're listening to Tony and Ryan. A massive shout out to a few of our champion tarpas over at our Patreon. Hope, good on your hope. I hope you love this episode. Hope you like it.

How's it going, Solan? Mitchell, Jago, Franklin, good on your Mitchell. Madison, Gallagos, Niels Widders, Emma, the Sausage O'Brien. Wow. Very yummy. Think you know a guy. Ah, Susanna Stone and Crispy Noodles. A lot of food.

A lot of food today. Am I hungry? Maybe. Are you hungry? Yeah. A lot of food today. A lot of food. That's good. A lot of food. Am I a victim of Great Ocean Road comedy? Or are my jokes just not that good?

I feel like I'm on the defensive, because before when I tried to get on your side and I said that the Great Ocean Road was disgusting, you went, no, it's my favorite place. I love the Great Ocean Road. One day, if I ever go missing, just go find me, I'll be down there. That's where I'll retire and just look at the ocean,

have a Negroni, But I was just trying to be on your side. and just chill the fuck out. I know, but what I'm saying is the enemy is on the side. Just chill the fuck out. I know. But what I'm saying is the enemy is not the great ocean road. That's just where it occurred. And the, I said occurred again. The first, now I don't want to like

pick out people from specific countries, but the first girl I think was either Irish or Scottish working behind the bar. When I tell you how she reacted, you can guess that, where she's from. That's a lot of weird information. Yep. So, Mabel and I are going for a walk and on the beach. Beautiful. Beautiful.

And we actually like find this pub on the beach. Cool. I didn't realise it was there. I thought it was like an old surf club, whatever. And they're like, oh no, they do drinks and stuff. And I was like, fuck yeah. That's really cool. Do they do food?

Yeah. Like chips and wedges, you know, a bit of a snack, have a beer. Do they do a salt and pepper squid? That sounds like the perfect place for a salt and pepper squid. I didn't check the food menu, but you're right. If they're not doing salt and pepper squid,

they ain't doing it right. They're fucking giving money away. But it was just like the basics and a few beers. And you look, you're on the beach, it's like beautiful spot, beautiful spot. So I go up to the bar and it's just Mabel and I, Bridges, she was back at the house where we were down there for the weekend. And I go, yep, I'll get a beer, whatever's on tap's fine. And cause Mabel's like, you're not supposed to have like too much juice, like too much sugar.

Oh, totally. So when I give her a juice, I kind of like go half juice and just like top it up with water. Absolutely. And I go, but I was like, I wouldn't, because she wants to sit there with dad and have our drinks together, you know? Yeah.

And so I say to the person at the bar, I'm like, I know this is like how strange to order from a bar, but can I just get like a glass with like a little bit of orange juice and a little bit of water? Like, is that annoying? And she goes, no, it's fine, it's fine. And then she goes, so it's half and half.

And I go, yeah, it's for the baby. She's driving. Now I thought that was pretty funny. That's really funny. And she goes, and this is what she says, the baby's driving. Like she thought I was being serious and was like, she looked at me like, what an idiot.

Oh, what a bad dad. Clearly that kid is too young to be driving. And was like really fucked off. Like, you sir are an idiot. She's clearly too small to drive. You need to take care of your family. You disgusting father. Yeah. She's clearly too small to drive. You need to take care of your family you disgusting father. Yeah. The baby's driving the car!

Two questions. Was the gag good and where is that lady from? Um, you just did a British accent I think. The baby's driving. It's like a northern Irish, northern English accent. But... Classic backpacker place to be from. Oh, absolutely. Working at a pub on the Great Ocean Road. Beautiful. Yeah. And also. The baby's driving the car!

How can we have a baby driving the car? But also very funny. Thank you. And what was it actually though? Because I think that's really funny. She was just like, what the fuck? The kid kids driving? Can I also say it's like classic small talk humor.

Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like, oh, is that on savings? Oh, more like spendings. Like you just laugh because it's like a polite thing to do. I wouldn't laugh at that spending scale. No, but do you know what I mean? That's awful.

But how the, I'm on your fucking side. I'm sorry. But I'm saying like, you your fucking side. Right, sorry. But I'm saying like, you know, that classic joke, like, yep, you laugh because it's polite. But I think that's genuinely funny. I think where I may have gone... Also, the juice doesn't have alcohol in it. Yeah, I mean, yeah. So it's like a double part of joke.

It's funny multiple times. It's funny in a few ways. She's clearly not driving. Yeah. And obviously, even if she was, you know, it doesn't have alcohol in it. So it's just for fun. I think one of my mistakes, if I am to be at blame at all, is instead of being like, oh, cause she's driving. I like literally stone cold straight face just went, yeah, cause she's driving. So we just got to take it. Like I backed it in as if she was actually driving.

So you, that was the delivery? Was that- Can I ask her half and half? She goes, yeah, for the band. I go, yeah, like she's got to drive us home. I think that's really funny. Okay. Thank you for your support.

I genuinely think that's really funny. Thank you for your support. Okay. So round two. This is the next day. Yeah. God, you went back for more. Nah, just in place. So we saw this, like, I think we're at Lawn and we see this like local ice cream place. Like we make our own fun flavours and we do all this cool stuff.

What's the Cold Rock Ice Cream Reef? Do they have one of those in Lawn? Or they probably do, but it was... Cold Brock Ice Cream Reef is like that. Yeah. I think they do have a Cold Rock, but it's not, that was like a local place that makes ice cream. And then I kind of saw that during the day and I was like, oh, like, fucking that's good to know. You know, I might have a sneaky visit down there later on the side.

And then we ended up getting pizza for dinner and there, and because, you know, local small towns kind of stick together, the local pizza place sells the ice cream from the local ice cream. And so I see this thing and they've got like little tubs. Cause you know, you got it all dessert. Like a take home tub. Yeah. Yeah.

Can I take away a pizza? I'm like, Oh, a little heart, little thing. Me and Bridge could share that. That's great. Yeah. And because we're taking it home, we, we don't need any cutlery. Yep. And this, she didn't take, well, she took it the wrong way, but she had Tony Lodge energy,

this girl at the pizza place. Oh, so she was hilarious and hot energy, this girl at the pizza place. Oh, so she was hilarious and hot and fun. And watches TV. When you hear it, you'll... So I'm taking it home, so I don't need like a little takeaway spoon or a little... Because you're like, oh, do you want some cutlery? Oh, got you.

I was like, no, no. We're not eating on the beach. We're taking it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so she goes, oh, did you need some cutlery for the ice cream? And I kind of held my hand up like a claw and I said, no, I'm going to raw dog it.

And she goes, oh. That one's weird. Yeah. And I went like, I was like, cause I was like, oh no, I'm going to use my hands. But you said raw dog it and then she cummed. Well, she just went like I was like because I was like, oh no, I'm gonna use my hands But you said raw dog. Yeah, and then she cummed. Well, she just went But was it an all like oh, yeah. No, it's that one. It was that one that one that one that one or was it? Oh, oh No, it's the first one. Are you sure?

Someone said I'm gonna raw dog. I go Hang give me the range of sounds again. Okay. Give me three options. Oh. Nope. Oh. Nope.

Oh. No, it was neither of those. It was like a, like imagine you actually being raw dogged. Oh. But you liked it. Oh. No, no. Like it was like being raw dog. Oh, but you liked it. Oh, no, no. Like it was like, oh, yeah.

That was it a bit more like, oh, no, she wanted it. Ask Mabe, she was there. Um, okay. Why does that have Tony Lodge energy? Oh, it's just like the, it's like a sound you would make, but like for lols. Yeah. But it was like, as in she was imagining

getting raw dogged when I, it was like the word raw dog just clicked something in her mind. Yeah. And just reminded her of whatever she, and she just had a moment where she forgot she was at work. And you know, like sometimes you will be like, oh, we'll mention, oh, this guy was wearing some hot sexy, he had tats and you kind of go, oh. And I said the word raw dog and she was fucking butter.

Like she melted, not like she was fucking a butter. Why would anyone think that she was a butter? I'm just confused and stressed because the straight ocean road, the great ocean road doesn't get me. Straight ocean road. Sorry, it's next to the LGBTQI freeway. I'm rattled.

That one's definitely less funny. Her reaction is strange. Yeah. I think that we can all agree that the reaction is strange. So do you think that we can all agree that the reaction is strange. So do you think you'll go back? No. Or is that it for you?

I love, well, I was like, Hey, Bridge, let's go to the Great Ocean Road for the weekend because I want to show you where we will live one day. Sure. And we're not going to live there now. Yeah. That's a real shame. The ice cream was good. Was it?

Now, but here's the thing. This is what Bridget said. Somewhere down here on the Great Ocean Road, those two people are telling this story. 1000%. And in those stories, you're the fuckhead. Absolutely. And you called them two moles. And I don't think that the first one, I don't think she's a mole.

I just think like that's a real shame because it's really funny. Thank you. The second one, I don't think that she's a mole, but I think the whole interaction sounds very strange. It was very, um. Was it still daylight outside? Somehow that's important. Somehow like the sun being up makes it way worse.

And if Mabel was out with you, I'm guessing that the sun was still up. Well, what time do our family have a late dinner? Like normally 5.30, 6 o'clock. Oh, that's a real late. Yeah, I'd say it was probably 5 PM. Oh, that makes it way worse. I don't know why. I don't know why, but that makes it way worse.

But it wasn't bright, like it's getting dark now. It wasn't bright sunlight, but it wasn't dark. It was like getting dark. Nah, that getting darker now. It wasn't bright sunlight, but it wasn't dark. It was like getting dark. That's worse now. I don't know why, but thank you everyone for indulging me because I had a weird time. Yeah. On the great ocean road and then Mabel drove us home. So yeah, because she was the only one that wasn't drunk. I really love to see this. This will bring us back. Anwen. Hi Anwen. Now this tweet's been been doing around so if you've seen it fucking you'll know how great it is. Okay. Um, I just saw someone refer to mansplaining as correctile dysfunction So, please excuse me while I laugh hysterically for six hours. Oh my god, that's correct

top comment is From a guy named Matt, who I think we can all agree is playing with fire here. Cause sometimes you just gotta let a good joke be, let a good joke and just fucking cop it. Yeah. Cause that is hilarious. A correctile dysfunction is very, very funny.

Matt said, it's word play for erectile dysfunction, a condition exclusive to men. That's why it's funny. You're welcome, ladies. Do we think he knows? Is he doing a beard? I think he knows, but as I said,

playing with fire. Even if he knows, some people might think that he doesn't know. And you just. I wouldn't fuck with that. Or you if he knows, some people might think that he doesn't know. And you just, you just. I wouldn't fuck with that. Or you leave it and then you just put your phone in the drawer and go, I'm going to leave that for three days. Yeah, I'm not, I'll probably go dark for a few days

and I'm not worried about it. So I love the first bit. I'm scared by the second, but overall I love to see that interaction. That is really funny. I've got, you love to see here, Stephanie McKinley sent it through on Patreon. And she said, hey guys, I just wanted to share

that I helped my team win a trivia game by guessing the song Torn by Natalie Imbrulia. Congratulations. Put that on the winners list. Yes, absolutely. We'll do an update this week, I think. But another, I've got a second part of my love to see it. Please.

Is that, did you know? No. That torn by Natalie and Brulia is a cover. I didn't know that. And I don't think enough people message it through. Did you, did you know that? Tony would also like everyone to not send that through because-

It's a cover. It's not the original. How many times- Someone else did it first. Acting. She's acting like it's her song. Somebody else did it first. I don't think doing a cover, I think she knows too.

She's not even acting, she's just doing the song. She knows. Now would you like people to keep messaging, DM, email? Sometimes, what I will say actually, this is very genuine. I forget stuff a lot. You do. So if people want to keep sending it in case I forget, there's good refresher every now and again. How often would you say it's about right? Every day, I think, continue. For the next few years? Yeah. I'm actually fine with it. Good engagement. That actually reminds me. Did you know that you can't say

homeowner without meow in it? Cause like home, yeah. Oh, it's got meow in it. Yeah. Gotcha. That's good. And have a look at this one. You just fingered me. I can't believe you. Can you just for the record? In an episode of this podcast, you fingered me.

I put my middle finger up at Tony and pretended it wasn't. I don't like that. We'll be back tomorrow. It's Wednesday. So unfortunately it's not normal or nah day, but if you hang on tomorrow, Thursday we'll be doing normal or nah. Just two more sleeps. Just two more slots. All right. Have a good day.