Toni and Ryan - Victims of Accidental Boners

Episode Date: August 8, 2023

We've all had it come at us from nowhere, haven't we!! Love u xoCheck out our Patreon at patreon.com/ToniandRyan, and make sure you join our Facebook Group! Find #ToniAndRyan on Instagram @tonilodge and @ryan.jon OR on TikTok @toni.lodge and @ryanjondunn Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Tony and Ryan podcast. My name is Ryan. This is Dr. Author, best-selling Dr. Author, Tony Lodge, and we are calling Jordan, who is in London, Ontario. I can't keep up. I swear to God, we've got to come up with some new names for places. Hello? Jordan, it's Tony and Ryan. Oh my God, how are you? We're good, how are you? I'm doing really good. Now, I believe I said, tell me about yourself, what do you do for work?

And you've written, I am the cat lady building the... Oh no, I'm the cat lady building the catio for her cat. How's the catio going? Is it good? I have all the wood cut, but it's been really rainy here, so I haven't been able to do anything other than just cut the wood. Hey, I understand. It's been raining in Melbourne, and that's why I haven't been to the gym for five years. So I hear, I feel you. Jordan, it's fine. No judgment here, mate. But will you approve

today's episode? Yes, absolutely I will. Ryan, hail or shine, we'll take that. Hey, it's Jordan from Ontario, Canada, and I approve this podcast. All right, coming up today, the lamest reason to call in sick. I worked from home yesterday. Yep. These guys got an early, what was it, a 5 a.m. text message or something like that? And they don't know why.

I just said, I'll tell you on the show. Yeah. And so it's really hard, like a peek behind the curtain, I guess, of like something happening between the two of us and we can't talk about it. Yeah. Like we go, oh, we'll just save it and I'll tell you on the show. And we go, fuck, there's not a lot left to talk about aside from that.

So then I'm like, oh, should I check? Is everything okay? Like I don't know whether, you know. Everything's fine now. For now. Yeah. But I never know whether, you know. Everything's fine now. For now, yeah. But I never know whether that's like, should I, like, you know what I mean? It's really weird.

It's a weird relationship. So that's coming up soon. But first, Dr. Tony Lodge, what is a victim of medical comedy? I developed this concept early in my medical career. Yeah. When I shared a story about trying to break the ice in a medical appointment, making a joke and the doctor giving me absolutely nothing back. Because they've heard it all before. They've heard it all before and also they're doing a very serious job.

And they're also doctors and have no personalities. Well, I didn't say that. That was Ryan. You actually did say that. I don't think I've ever said that. That was on the record. But we talked about this. We talked about people that were on the receiving end and the giving end.

We're not talking about Tunnel Brothers again, don't worry. Fabulous Anonymous Gay. Self-proclaimed, obviously. Self-proclaimed. Fabulous Anonymous Gay says, My back end has been used and abused many times in all different shapes and ways and sizes. Did producer camera this?

But alas, I've been a good boy lately because I was suffering from a very large, very aggravated hemorrhoid, almost the size of a golf ball. Have you ever had hemorrhoids? Nah. Brutal. I've never had hemorrhoids.

I had like a really minor fissure, like a tear. Oh. But it was nowhere near, like, what they can be. But it fucked either way. But it's so sore because you don't want to eat because you don't want anything to come out. Like, it's so painful. But, like, hemorrhoids are fucked.

Like, oh so painful. But like hemorrhoids are fucked. Like, oh, awful. So anonymous fabulous gay has a golf ball-sized hemorrhoid and he says, I have a really good relationship with my doctor, but understandably, I think, quite nervous to go to the doctor and you have to, you know, like lay there. I think that it's the like taking your clothes off part. You're in the doctor's surgery and they go, let me just give you some privacy to get undressed.

I'm like, why? You're literally about to look inside my asshole. You can watch me get undressed. Do you know what I mean? Like why is there dignity in getting undressed but not in me fucking splaying my legs open and you fucking getting amongst it? You know what I mean? Like why do they do that?

Yep. It would be like if I was like, let's have sex. Do you mind leaving the room while I get undressed and come back in and then come back in? You know, like, why is one fine but the other is? I don't understand that. It's one of the weird things in this world. Isn't it?

It's like that is polite but then, like, shoving your finger in my ass is all good. And it is. I was just thinking Cam and I might have an awesome time making some reels using that speech in like weird context. Oh, yeah. Just like leaving a bit of context out. Yeah, that's fine. I sign up to that with this job, so that's okay.

Fabulous Anonymous Gay said, context out yeah that's fine i sign up to that with this job so that's okay fabulous anonymous gay said not only was i suffering from a huge hemorrhoid i also suffer from random boners especially when someone's touching my butt question that would happen right like i don't have a penis so i i don't know but i imagine that bon bonus like they just come and go don't they like don't say come and go sorry um like like surely you would be like or if you're a bit nervous and you like your mind's wandering or whatever like oh sometimes even like if it's the temperature the time of day like if it's a yeah no like just what is what do you mean god it's a beautiful 23 degrees. Like you're super into the Bureau of Meteorology.

I don't know if I've just – Cam, tell me if I'm wrong. Do you feel like morning wood is more apparent in winter? Yes. Yeah? Yeah. Okay, but do you mean because it's colder and you're, like, warm and cosy? I don't know. Because, like, when it's summer and you're just, like, hot and sweaty

and you're uncomfortable, is it that you're just like, oh, I'm so cosed up and, like... I actually don't. I'm not a doctor. I know you're a doctor. I'm not a doctor. But you just specifically mentioned the temperature when you get a boner. But if it's cold, your body all around can, like, tighten up.

Oh, so you get a boner? Well, I'm just saying. When it's cold. Oh, I thought that when it was cold is when it was all small. I'm not saying it's a big boner. Sorry, point taken. But I just think, like, yeah, as the temperature changes, it can have impacts on your body,

which can have impacts on your flaccidness or bonanness. Bonanness. So if you were like in a doctor's surgery, it's quite a sterile environment. Maybe there's a draft. Do you also think what about- No, ask my question. Well, I think sometimes just when you're exposed,

your body's like, this is not normal. So sometimes apparently when boys get waxed like they're yeah like like like you go to whatever yeah apparently they can get a boner because the the the person doing the waxing will have to like hold it to move it and do stuff yeah and it's just and they go oh it's just it's just part of the thing yeah so i think for this guy and and just in general it's not always like i want to have sex it's just like things totally to affect your body. Why am I explaining this? I'm not a doctor.

You're talking so much and I absolutely love it. I don't like it. I've heard of travel boners. What's a travel boner? Like that if you're like on a bus or a train and it's like the perfect like vibration or you're just like sitting on the bus and you come and feel like that's a thing. Maybe it's like, yeah, no, I definitely travel boner.

What is like the vagina equivalent. Riding a horse? Is that like a cliche? Oh, my God. Have you ever been to Adventure World in Perth? Well, not anymore. Okay, so there's this ride at Adventure World in Perth that's called Bounty's Revenge.

I'm really sorry, but I've started saying this and I can't stop now. And it's a big pirate ship boat and it swings backwards and forwards and it makes your family feel weird. And I remember going as a kid. And, like, as you swing, you're kind of like, you're, like, you know how you, like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you're kind of, like, suspended in midair for a set, right at the top, and then it kind of drops back down.

And the, I guess, like, the pressure of nothing and then all. Yeah. Yeah. And I went on the ride like, because you just get a wristband. You don't have to pay every time. You just – It's free. You've paid for the day.

You pay for the day and then you can go on whatever ride it takes. Tony's loving that pirate ship. Bounty's revenge. Anyway, I would love to know. That's a very niche Perth reference, but I would love to know if anybody has experienced that. For those playing along at home, Adventure World in Perth is actually the place that banned thong bikinis.

Yeah. Which was deemed sexist because the pictures were of girls. So me and my mate Jared wore man thongs for the day to prove a point. Yeah, it's like a mankini, wasn't it, kind of vibe? Yeah, it was just like a man speedo, a thong speedo. Oh, but it was up the bum. Sure, sure, sure. Did you get kicked out?

No. Shocker. No. I know. They were too busy with the fucking masturbating women on the Bounty's Revenge probably. Where's security? Oh, they've got mops at Bounty's Revenge just hosing it down. I can't believe I can remember the name of the ride.

Anyway, yeah, so you get the bonus at the doctor's office with the big hemorrhoid. Yep. Well, especially for fabulous on-home skate girls, when someone touches my butt, I'm just like, ooh. That's fair enough. Absolutely, yeah. Especially when my ass is being touched. And as soon as he touched me, I was more firm than a politician's handshake.

That's funny. I tried to cover it up because he's laying on his stomach, so he's sort of like, oh, just fold it up underneath. But he's in the air. Yeah so he's sort of like, oh, just fold it up underneath. But he's in the air. It's like a table leg. I tried to make a small joke to lighten the mood. I said, oh, doctor, better lube me up before you smash in the back doors. Yeah.

The doctor laughed. Medical comedy for the win. But then the doctor said, seems like you're enjoying it either way. No. Doesn't seem like you have any issues here. We could be at Adventure World for all I can see. Yeah, have you been on the Bounty's event? I used, oh my, that is fucking amazing.

I laughed at his joke. That is fucking amazing. I laughed at his joke. I laughed so hard that with my cheek spread and my doctor's face right in my butt, I accidentally farted a nuclear bomb point blank into my doctor's face. Hemorrhoid and all. There was silence. I instantly lost my accidental boner, and I'm never going back to that doctor again.

Do we have a comment from the doctor? No. Well, because he's got a job to do. Yeah. And doctors would have seen it all, you know, so hopefully that already had a bit of a rapport. Yeah. Well, and that's the shame of all of this is they've lost a friendship.

Yeah. He just said, it's actually not a hemorrhoid. Use this cream. You'll be fine. And he went, thank you. And left. Never to return. What was it?

If it wasn't a hemorrhoid? I don't think he asked. He just went, oh, that's good news. What else? But he just goes, good news. It wasn't a hemorrhoid? I don't think he asked. He just went, oh, that's good news. What else? But he just goes, good news, it wasn't a hemorrhoid. Okay. Again, it wasn't much of a chance for me to follow up. So he did the fart and then he went, use this cream.

Bye. So imagine that. You're laying there face down with your own hands spreading your cheeks. Oh, yeah. And the doctor's looking in there. Yeah. You tell a joke, he tells a joke. I can't believe there was no poo.

To be honest with you, he obviously didn't have Domino's for dinner last night. No, obviously not. Hi, it's Jordan from Ontario, Canadaair conversation about whether we'll make a reel out of Tony talking about the Bounty's Delight. What was it called? Bounty's Revenge. Bounty's Revenge. I mean, it was a delight.

Is that ride still there, Cam? Maybe we could all go to Perth. It's been upgraded and is no longer part of Adventure World. Oh. What a real shame. What a real shame. I have to masturbate like a dickhead. So we will, like, I mean, people in Perth will, it's, like, relatable.

That's so embarrassing. People in Perth will be like, oh, I get a girl, I've been there. Yeah, but, nah. Because everyone will agree with you. That's so embarrassing. That's really embarrassing. Okay, in the episode thread, Girls of Perth, just put an emoji, any emoji.

Maybe a thumbs up or a thumbs down. In the comments of the episode thread in Facebook. Whether you know or whether you don't know. And if there's enough thumbs up, like a, not solidarity. Is it solidarity? I guess so. Yeah. Support.

A supportive thumbs up. Yeah. If you know, you know. Kind of ups. And then if there's enough, then we'll know. Yeah, we can post it on TikTok and Instagram because people are supportive. Fuck. Cam, can you make a note for me to put multiple thumbs ups?

You can put multiple thumbs up. Sorry. Massive thank you to a few of our champion tapas over at Patreon. Morgz. Fucking love to see it, M tapas over at our Patreon. Morgz. Fucking love to see it, Morgz. Thank you. Lucia Tinayero. Tinayero.

Ben Bagshaw. Should we get a bag? Sure. Canute. My canutes go without a bag. Bound his revenge was a boat, not a canute. And Monica Samande. Thank you, Monica.

I fucking love it. Thank you very much for being part of our Patreon. Sorry, I just got like a little crack in my throat. Yeah, do we need some water? Let's all have some water. I need a fucking cigarette and some water. Let's all calm right down. Yeah.

God, the temperature in this room is, it's boner degrees Celsius. That's too warm. I hope it's not cooling here for you. That's too warm. I'm going to start calling here for you. That's your... Sorry. What about like a gust of wind with that? If it hit the pleats the right way. Yeah, okay.

It's just the illusion on the pants. Being sore from the gym is not a personality. Last week, Tony was called out for it. And to be fair, called yourself out. Called myself out. I think that's fair enough. I didn't come into work yesterday because my wife, Bridget, was so sore from the gym she couldn't lift our baby.

That's not embarrassing. I mean, it's a pickle to find yourself in, I guess. Do you remember, like, we spoke about in the office one day that, like, you mustn't use your triceps in day-to-day activities. No. So when Bridget's gone, she did, like, a mums and bubs class, and I think she said, oh, I've got a bit of a sore knee, and I went, oh, well, just do some upper arm stuff instead.

And so she's ended up doing the upper arm stuff and then followed it up with some more upper arm stuff. And then the thing with the triceps is you often don't know until two days later that they're like real sore and real tight. So it was 5 a.m. in the morning. So Mabel wakes up 5 or 6 in the morning. Bridget gets up and she just like puts her arms out to grab the baby. And so I'm sort of half asleep and I just hear this, oh, oh.

And then she just comes and lays next to me in the bed and Mabel's still in her bed sort of crying. Yeah. Why didn't you grab the baby? Yeah. And she goes, I can't feel my arms. They don't work. It's like, what do you mean?

She goes, two days ago. I did that class. I did that class. No. And I did this like over arm medicine ball throw thing and I can't lift up the baby. Oh. And I go, oh, okay, that's going to be tricky.

Well, I'll feed her now and then I've got to head in to do the show. Yeah. And she goes, nah, like I can't lift the baby. Like that's not something I'll be doing today. Oh, my God. I've never even thought about that being like a- Yeah, well, you wouldn't have to because how dumb can it be? I'm just imagining, like, all of the women from the mums and bubs class,

like, all of their husbands all calling in sick to work, like, all of their partners being like, yeah, so my wife, like, went to the gym one time and she's really dining out on it. Obviously, I'm going to say like most, but a lot of people, I don't know how people can exercise when they're pregnant, but Bridge hasn't done much for a while. And then obviously, like we said, triceps, it's not like,

I feel like when I lift the baby up, it's like a little seated row. Yeah. So when you go and do a seated row at the gym, you're like, man, I've been doing this with the baby 10 times a day for ages. And so it was just this one little – and she's like, I actually can't. So actually Bridget called in sick to work. Yeah. She went, I can't.

She called in sick to me. Yeah. And then I called in sick to you guys. I go, guys, I can't come in. I've got to take care of Mabel. Because to be honest, I mean, I rolled over. I heard the text on my bedside table and I was like, I've left that turned on and then I realised it was my phone.

Yeah. Thanks. Well done. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. And I roll over. It's like 5am.

I rolled over, read the message, turned my alarm off, went, fuck that. Good news for everyone. Can't come in this morning, fine by me, mate. I'm like, yeah, mate, no fucking worries. Yeah, so Bridget was still parenting. Yeah. But it was sort of like, can you bring her over here? So she was director for the day and you were doing the lifting

and she was doing the pointing. Yeah. I like that. She's like, I could fucking get used to this. She was getting a bit used to it. And I said, well, I've got to go in tomorrow. I can't. Yeah.

And she's like, oh. So I was like trying to get her to do some stretches and take some magnesium. Well, that's the thing. Like you have to like stretch it back out. Otherwise it stays tight and you can't do anything. Yeah. And I just thought like obviously we don't have a formal workplace. Yeah.

But could you imagine like at a, in inverted commas, real job, calling the boss and be like, oh, hey, I can't come in. They go, what's wrong? You go, my wife saw from the gym. Yeah. That's actually a really good point. Well, you've really buried the lead because you were like, oh, like, something really funny has happened.

Like, we're all good. Yeah. The top line was, we are fine, but I've got a good story out of it. So you butted us up by being like, no, we can talk about this on the podcast. Well, you know how you said you rolled over and said, oh, this is good news. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so I texted you guys about 5, 5.30 in the morning.

And then you fucking went back to sleep. Well, I fed Mabel and I was like, well, if I can't go to work. Oh, unfortunately. Yeah, so we got up, watched a bit of play school, had a feed, I played with her and Bron and then I put her back to bed at 6.30 and I was like, well. Be rude not to. Be rude not to go back to bed.

A hundred percent. I would be fucked off if you told me right now that you're like, so I got up and like, I went to the gym or whatever. I'm like, both of you. Yeah, be easy on that tricep machine, mate. At least if you're both injured in different ways so Bridget can do the squatting but you can do the lifting or something. So I'm sorry that I couldn't come in yesterday.

Yeah. But I hope you appreciate it. Does Bridget need a note? That's very funny from her PT being like, Bridget cannot lift her baby today. Then this morning. The first one I'll let you have for free. Okay.

This morning Amber is the PT and this morning I went and got a coffee and Amber was at the local cafe. Oh. So she did the mums and bubs class. Yeah. And she goes, oh, g'day, Ryan. How you been? And I was like, you don't know what you've done to our family.

But I reckon all of the mums that were in the mums and bubs class, all the parents that were in there, all of them are probably dealing and they go, fucking hell. Well, Bridget's like, I'm not complaining about having sore legs because this is the consequences. Yeah. Yeah. And then, you know, when you get really sore from the gym though

and then you go, oh, probably can't go tomorrow. And then six months later you go, maybe I will go back. And then it hurts just as much. You go, this is why I didn't do it. I don't understand how it could happen any other way. What do you love to see? I'm just opening a video because I saw this on Instagram yesterday, and I know that we've talked about twins a little bit recently,

but there is a twins festival in Twinsburg, Ohio. Really? Yeah. What doesn't Ohio have? I know. And the sound isn't really relevant, but basically everybody who is a twin, they dress up together. Oh, that looks so good. And there's all these-

It's like a parade. Yeah. But the twins who have posted this video were like, oh, you know, we always feel really self-conscious, like being twins, people always look at us or ask questions or whatever. And then they go, but we didn't have to be self-conscious here because everyone's a twin. And everyone's dressed up and matching. And I thought that was so sweet.

This might seem like a really random story based on what you just said. Okay. But. Lay it on me. Bear with me. Yeah. One of my mates when I was younger playing volleyball, he played in the Paralympics.

Yep. The guy I know has only got one arm and usually he was, oh my God, that guy's got one arm. Well, you're fielding questions because people are curious and rude and don't understand. And then he's like, and I'm at this party and lots of people have one arm and some people have one God, that guy's got one arm. Well, you're fielding questions because people are curious and rude and don't understand. And then he's like, and I'm at this party, and lots of people have one arm and some people have one leg and that guy over there.

And so everyone just went, well, there's fucking something a little bit different about all of us. Who gives a fuck? Let's hit the beers. And then just like all of a sudden they're not the one being looked at. They're just all having the maddest time of their lives. Oh, that's amazing. And he's like, it was the best feeling ever.

And that's exactly like what in the caption of that video, they're kind of like, I just, it feels amazing to know that we aren't, yeah, the ones that are a bit different or whatever. Or exactly the same. That's weird, isn't it? Exactly the same because two of them. I think I just kicked my neck, love. There's been too much twin chat.

Oh, my God. Yeah, we need to lay off the physical activity. I'm working too hard sitting here 30 minutes a day. I was going to say, yeah, it turns out that us as a team, we need to stop going to the gym. Everyone needs to calm right down. But, yeah, I love to see that. All right.

Have a good day, everyone. Do you have who you love to see? Was that not my love to see? Oh, it can be. Oh, no, you're right. It was yours. I hijacked someone else's story. That's okay.

My love to see it is Bethany. Got to get home. The wife can't lift the baby. She's just looking at Mabel on the floor being like, what do you want from me? Yeah, I can't help you, babe. Yeah. I can't help you, babe.

Bethany said, I just passed my Australian citizenship test. Oh, congratulations, Bethany. I reckon most people in Australia couldn't pass that fucking thing. Yeah, I know, right? Makes me one step closer to being the mashy, loving, sunburned, dodging British tarp or an official Australian citizen that I am meant to be. Oh, you loved it.

Well, that is so exciting. Congratulations. Do you reckon there was some mashy questions on the test? Surely, yeah. Is that only an Australian thing? Mashies. Imagine if she went through all that trouble and someone's like, you know they're in the UK as well, right?

I'm sure that they're not just here. They must be other places. Don't tell Bethany. I'd hate for her to. She goes, I'm one step closer to being the mashie-loving. Well, our friends in the UK that I talked about the other day, on Monday I think it was, with the fake away, they made mashies at home.

So they mustn't have them in the UK, which is where Bethany is. Forget I said anything. Well done, Bethany. Oh, good job, though. Don't look into it. Either way. Yeah. Just appreciate what we're saying.

Love you, Bethany. Welcome to the country. Welcome. Welcome to the country. All right, we'll chat to you tomorrow. Love you. Bye.