Triforce! - Triforce! #41: Poopin' on Mickey

Episode Date: April 19, 2017

Triforce Episode 41! Pyrion has a problem with Minstrels and the guys talk about comedians and terrible movies!   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Hello. What's up? Yo. From London. All the way from London. Live from London. It's very fast. Live and direct.

So this week we are trying to get ready to go away to Insomnia. Spank holiday Easter weekend. The Easter bunnies are laying eggs. Nice. Which I'm pretty sure bunnies don't do. No, you're right. And then they get eaten, because they're made bunnies don't do. No, you're right. And then they get eaten, because they're made of chocolate, by children. No, no, no.

Rabbits are not made of chocolate. Rabbits are not made of chocolate. I don't know what you're talking about. What? It's a thing that happens. They don't lay eggs. They're not made of chocolate. All right?

They do little poops that look like chocolate balls, though. They do. Don't eat them. If you get Maltesers for Easter, that's probably the closest. Yeah. Actually, that should be an Easter egg. To what a rabbit can make, yeah. I see.

So we should try and start a movement to get rid of eggs and get instead like poops. I don't know, man. I think Malteser eggs, like if you've been to any of the shops recently to get Easter eggs for your loved ones or whatever, maybe for your personal trainer, you probably noticed that Malteserers are a pretty fucking heavy hitter. Yeah, they're good. Everywhere you go.

They're good. Good eggs, too. I think they should do away with the eggs and just give you a box filled with Maltesers only and call it rabbit poops. I mean, eggs, right? Chocolate eggs. I was always a little bit kind of i guess disappointed by chocolate eggs

i i guess because i was always assuming that if they would be when i was a kid this was like i always just assumed that inside when you cracked open the egg it would just like maltesers would spill out but no it's probably like inside the egg is a little plastic bag yeah with like five maltesers in it it's not even like a heaving bag of Maltesers. No, it's like a really, really disappointing crappy bag with like five Maltesers in it. At best. I was very disappointed. I purchased what I thought, according to the bag, was a large bag of Galaxy's Minstrels the other day. And I thought it's a large bag.

It's about the size of a big envelope. Right. Like a birthday card sized envelope. Oh, okay. okay okay i don't know what that is you know when you get an i don't know it's an envelope size you know when you get an envelope through and it's it's clearly not a letter it's a card right it's like a birthday card sized envelope it's a big yeah big bag and i was expecting it to be chock full of delicious galaxy menstrualsrels, which are one of my favorite things. There's 118 grams of the fuckers in here, all right? It's like 66% of the fucking bag is air.

So it's just big so that I can get almost my whole fucking hand in this thing. And at the bottom, I've got to tweeze out the minstrels at the bottom of the bag because there's so fucking few of them. I was furious. What the fuck is going on? This could fit in a regular bag of minstrels. It's a waste of plastic. And frankly, it's false advertising. Fuck you, Galaxy Chocolates. And stick some more fucking chocolates in your cocking bags.

Maybe it's good for you because those things are like black holes, though. They're fully concentrated down. And they weigh a ton. They do. I eat like two or three. I eat like two or three a day. It's just my long-time little snack. You have a couple of minstrels delicious i like it's like a little

treat for you it's lasting me like a week and a half like i hardly eat them i just have the occasion that's some tremendous willpower fuck holy shit flex so if you had a proper like fucking sack of them it would last for years it would last me most people would open that bag and it would be gone it would just disappear like all of them and then maybe people would open that bag and it would be gone. It would just disappear, like all of them. And then maybe they'd open another bag and do it again, a two-for-one deal or something. I think what you've done there shows that you've got some good willpower. Like, I don't think a lot of people would be able...

Yeah, they wouldn't be able to restrain themselves. Hold themselves back. You're right, I deserve a lot of credit. Not, I'll tell you what, I deserve credit The makers of Galaxy Minstrels Deserve no credit Free post Mars Consumer Care 0800 95200

Why don't I call them right now I'm going to call them up and say I'm going to call them, here's the phone Okay I'll put it on speaker You're going to get the music. It's going to be like, Ba, ba, ba, ba. Can you hear this?

Galaxy. Everybody's favorite chocolate. Yeah. Thank you for calling Mars Chocolate UK. Your call will be recorded for quality and training purposes. Right. Oh, dear. Please choose one of the following options.

Oh, here we go. If you have a product complaint or a concern, please press 1. I'm pressing one yeah press one straight away yeah hello good afternoon thank you for calling my that was quick my name is period facts okay and how can i help i'd like to talk about your galaxy minstrels i bought the large bag it says on the back it's like the larger bag of galaxy minstrels. There's only 118 grams of minstrels in here. I was kind of surprised that there were so few.

Do you offer a larger bag or is it as big as it gets? I can just have a quick look for you and find out what the largest size is. Yes, please. Okay. Okay. Okay, no, this is fun. This is a really good idea. Oh my God.

Oh my God. I feel like I'm eight years old again. And my dad... Listen to this. A lot of cowbell. I don't want to laugh too loud in case that guy hears me. How long are we going to be on hold for? Oh, man.

I don't know if we just carry on. You have dropped a bombshell, Flax. They've got to regroup and fucking figure out a strategy to deal with you is that we got a code red somebody's actually phoned us uh what do we do nobody ever presses one who do we have call in jimmy jimmy can sort it out jimmy the fixer jimmy's jimmy's on vacation, though. Whoa. Oh, no. Listen to that music. He's negotiating someone off the top of a building. He's doing some serious damage control elsewhere.

The negotiator. Oh, Christ. I don't think I've ever rung any helplines in my life, actually. The thing is, Flax, you know that by doing this, you're going to get a couple of free bags of minstrels. You're going to have to give him your address and stuff number one the moon what's your postcode i think we should just stay here while we wait.

Man, I think what they're trying to tell you now, Flax, is that they couldn't give less of a shit about you. Thanks for holding that. Yeah, the largest size is 210 grams. So that's 210. How much bigger is the bag? Is it the same size bag, or is it like a much bigger bag for the 210? Yeah, the bag might be slightly, will be bigger if it's that size, yeah.

Because I reckon you could fit 210 grams in the 118 gram bag and save on bags because this bag is, the bag is way too big for 118 grams. Okay. Okay, just FYI. Okay, well, thank you very much for calling and letting us know. No problem. On our system. Cheers.

Take it easy. He said he's going to put that on the system. Oh, nice. Great. Holy shit. He's got an open a new file here. 1127, 13th of April. Some fatso thinks the big bags could be bigger also has concerns

about the environment so that's a plus yeah probably couldn't fit his chubby hands into the bag once the bigger one we need oh my god can you imagine that's how the note got written down it's like the bags weren't big enough. Not big enough. No. Oh. So they're going to have a meeting now and discuss making even bigger bags. Oh, man. Yeah, and we're going to... It's going to be like a flipping poster-sized bag next time. It'll have, like, four minstrels in the bottom of it.

Minstrel sack. You'll have to, like, get a torch to, like, search around in there. Oh, man. Man, I don't know about you guys. Like, you guys seem to have, like, disappointments and reservations and stuff. If somebody buys me chocolate, I just fucking eat that shit like straight away like i love chocolate i'm never disappointed you just give me a small bag of chocolate i'll eat it give me a big bag of chocolate it's gone like that's it no complaints here i'm just i'm i'm like a robot

just ready to eat whatever you put in my mouth as long as it's chocolate yeah i don't want to be eating shit or anything like that but you know what's your go-to chocolate though it's like if you if you're in like a service station on a motorway or if you're in like uh if you're in the local newsagent what is your go-to if i'm feeling like a bit desperate and uninspired i'll grab a snickers bar every time i really like okay. But if I'm feeling like a bit spicy, you know, I want to like branch out a little bit. Sometimes I might get a Twix, you know, other times. I wouldn't just get a Mars bar. Like I'll eat a Mars bar quite happily. If somebody gets me like a Mars bar egg or like, you know, just happens to give me a Mars bar, I'll eat it.

But I'll never go out of my way to buy a mars bar like i find them too boring i think snickers is a bit spicier like a little bit more fun you know it's got some nuts in there and some caramel and uh whatever that fucking shit is in the middle i'm not even sure like you go well i guess i don't know like i've never looked at the ingredients it's nice whatever it is but it's hot zebra semen that they've aerosoled and piped it in. Is there a place I can buy that stuff in bulk on the internet? The zoo? Oh, man. The zoo gift shop.

It's next to the coconut milk and stuff. Vats of zebra semen. That's not coconut milk. That's ape cum. It makes my hair so shiny. How could it possibly be semen? How different would it used to be if that's what we celebrated it with? With cup after cup of animal semen.

It is all natural. It's organic. Oh my God. You've got a semen mustache whoops honestly i'm surprised the hipsters haven't haven't hooked on to that they're like we got almond milk we got soy milk and we got zebra milk what about bull milk let's get it we got chimpanzee milk we got any animal that could wank inside the cell phone will be wanked off. It is available right now. I'm not sure that a chimpanzee would have a pleasurable wank, though.

I was under the understanding that only humans and dolphins will have sex recreationally or just for pleasure. Does that mean that a dolphin monkeys well and apes they just they'll do it for fun they wank for fun i mean you know i don't think monkeys do wank for fun though well you think it's like their job like they turn up no i've got to wank again before i get a banana they're like they're primitive right so like a lot of a lot of like um a lot of animals, they have a sex drive and stuff, but it only happens around a certain time, like a mating season, and then they just stick it in and blam.

They do it, and then the babies are made. But they don't just sit around all day watching anime and then fucking rubbing their balls and being all creepy and stuff on their own like i think generally they just sort of mulch around and eat bugs off each other's backs and eat grass and fucking sleep that's about it like i've never seen a gorilla or anything i've seen like we have a zoo here we like take our kids all the time because we have like a seasonal pass for it and every time we see the monkeys they are not masturbating at all like maybe have you ever thought that maybe they do it

in privacy no i don't think they do because in the zoo there is none like you can see them inside and you can see them outside so no matter where they are i would catch them why you don't see him doing it they're looking for a little corner i think they should give them a little darkened corner like the jo chamberO. chamber. And they can go and jerk it in there. I don't know. The what chamber? Jerk-off chamber.

What the fuck are you talking about? Well, they put like a port-a-loo in the middle of the fucking chimpanzee enclosure. We went to Amsterdam a couple of years ago and they have little jerk-off chambers like in a store like upstairs you go in to this store and on the on the ground floor there's like a bunch of dvds and like dildos and it's like a big sex shop right what if it gets too much for you no and then in the middle

of the store there was like this big round thing and you you there was like a it was like a like a coin slot you put the coin in and it would unlock the door and you'd go in the door and you were just in this little room that you stood up in with a window and in the middle there was just like a man and a woman having sex and you'd watch them for a bit and in the room as well there was like a towel dispenser i guess if you you know wanted to of course and then if you if you went upstairs, there was the same thing, but it wasn't live. It was just like little video booths with like a chair

and a towel dispenser right next to it. And then like a screen and you could pick whatever you wanted to watch. It was like pretty weird. So what did you pick? It feels like those places. I like the movie Star Wars. Yeah. Moana.

Yeah, I watched Moana a couple of times. Yeah times yeah no i feel like those places are so outdated now with the internet and like with anime and stuff like you could just sit in a hotel room and just like you know masturbate yourself into oblivion if you wanted to and you're not out in public you just need a phone or some shit i mean exactly exactly but i don't know you know i've often wondered what what kind of popularity would you get if you could have one of these masturbation booths that was just located in like a public place, like in the mall, right? It's just got one-way mirror and you can go in

and you can watch all the other people out there and you can go in and pay and just have a wank and watch the people walk past. Maybe what you do is you have one next to the changing room in H&M or whatever. Like when the grants come in to try on their bras or whatever. You can have a peek.

But the grants know what they're getting into because they're like exhibitionist grants. They're like, oh yeah, I like showing my butt off. Look at my saggy ass, sonny. Banging their cane on the glass. I can hear you in there, whacking it off. Whatever you're doing.

Dirty boy, dirty. And then you can hear the intensity that goes up a notch. That's someone's fetish, I guarantee you. Honestly, yeah. Ask them anyone and an old woman scolds them it's 2017 now we're becoming a lot more liberal with our sexuality and stuff people are exploring a lot more people are getting arrested for fucking bicycles and pavements and stuff like it's that old fallback topic of ours would a man fuck a bicycle yes he would yes he would and would

a man watch an old granny getting changed at h&m probably most definitely yeah i think it's on my bucket list yeah me too man i don't know fucking a bucket fuck a bucket that's on my bucket list as well that's yeah yeah fuck a bucket why not why the hell not masturbation booths just like dotted around in the city i think would think would be a danger a little bit. How do you feel about like that kind of exhibitionist, like sex in public, kind of on the beach or like on, like with a thrill of being caught, I guess. Is that like, have you guys ever like?

I've seen people having illicit sex, like if you're out, you know, in London on a Friday or a Saturday night and it's really late after hours, like, you know, you walk around at four or five a.m. There'll be people doing all sorts of things on the night bus. You get, you know, people getting blowjobs and stuff like that. It happens. And I think at that point, you know, everyone there is an adult. Everyone's too fucking high or drunk to give a fuck and no one really cares um but that's kind of the the the silent contract you enter into when you go out on a bender

is that you know you whatever happens happens and you know as long as you survive at least it'll be a good story but i think the silent contract is like you just accept that there's going to be people like having sex in public around yeah it Yeah, it's just shit to have. When did you sign this silent contract? Like this sounds, I don't know, I don't think I signed that. It's a silent contract. It's an unspoken, unwritten rule. If you've got a problem, go and tap that guy on the shoulder and say, excuse me, can you stop banging that girl loudly on the back of the night bus and see what happens?

The silent contract is you get your fucking head. Stop thrusting so hard, please. It's making a lot of noise. I'm just trying to have a quiet bus ride here. Please. Do you even know her name? This is shocking. This is shocking.

This is appalling. Do you even know? You don't even know her name. This is appalling. Have you even taken her out for dinner yet? No. Have you even considered buying her a pack of Galaxy minstrels? If you do, don't waste your money on the 118 grammer.

Get the 220. They offer it. it's available somewhere oh man you can find it well i like what i'm amazed at by the way about that call is that guy took like five minutes to find out about their own product line i could google look at this biggest galaxy minstrels man maybe you should go and replace him. You could take his job. Boom. Took me two seconds. He was off checking the system. I don't think he was necessarily

checking the system as deciding how to respond to you. Because your complaint was very broad. It was both there were too few minstrels in this size packet. So he came back to you saying, his answer was a very diplomatic one.

He said, there is a bigger packet. He didn't say the reason that there's so few in there. He let your fury cool down by putting you on hold. It was probably a very planned thing, P-Flax. He's probably just sitting there twiddling his thumbs with a timer on saying, okay, we need to give this guy three minutes to cool off you know i reckon i'm very cynical no but they say these that's how these people work though they have like a like a strategy for dealing

with people like a psychological strategy to deal with yeah yeah and one of those things they probably like in their rule book or whatever is if somebody comes off even slightly annoyed it's probably just like written down like if the customer is coming through from option one um say that you need to put them on hold for five minutes so they can cool down a little bit and maybe like rethink why they're actually phoning and stuff because like sometimes i bet you a lot of cases they come back and the person's hung up because they just are so furious they don't want to be on hold for five minutes or whatever i think it's a way of disarming you yeah i think so anyway man i was just thinking now you've been disarmed moana moana sounds like it could be a porno already doesn't it because it's got the word like moan

in the in the title it's about a child isn't it it is about a child lewis well it's a children's movie but i'm saying that they normally do like porn parodies of like all sorts of shit don't like harry potter's got all of them you guys how many times have you watched moana do you think let me count um today i need more yeah let me count i need more hands um i mean it's 11 39 in the morning it's been on in my house since about six o'clock this morning like non-stop like they've watched it back to back to back to back it's just on in the background they're not even just sitting there watching it half the time like they'll they'll be off doing stuff and then when one of the songs start they sort of rush back dance around a little bit and stuff and say this is my favorite one try to sing along a bit and then just go back to whatever it was they were doing putting their fingers in sockets and stuff on chain play is there other other movies that have

done that or is it just is it is just this one for us no we used to because we got netflix and stuff too like like my son will watch like paw patrol or like spongebob or or something like that and they've got seasons and seasons of it so you know that'll just be on like all day but it'll be different episodes and stuff so it's not too bad but it is still the same thing and you have to listen to the theme music every time and like you know you get to the part in the show where it's like let's let's do it team and then the music starts again and and stuff and it it's a bit repetitive but no i guess in terms of movies like for for my family i think moana's been the first one where it's just been

like back to back to back to back but they're too young to have gotten into frozen frozen came out before they were born oh i see so and with my with my son like he was he's not too keen on frozen because there's a lot of girls at his school who have like frozen t-shirts and stuff like that so he he kind of knows that it's for girls sort of thing so he's sort of right i think he likes it but he would never admit it sort of thing okay but i guess has like um like a strong like male character in it and stuff and he seems to really like it and he doesn't seem too embarrassed by liking it sort of thing so um that's nice my daughters love it my wife loves it

i have oh god who loves it more i have yet to see it because every time they say let's put moana on i say i'll see you later peace out yeah out you go i mean i leave the planet that's your cue to like you know now my people see like it's different for me because my games need me my kids aren't old enough to just be sort of left to it in a lot of ways i still have to like sit in the room with them a lot and watch them and make sure they're not clubbing each other and whatever so i end up having to sit through a lot of this stuff honestly in the grand scheme of things i think moana is a pretty good movie for a disney movie it's it's totally manageable it's not like super obnoxious or annoying or anything like

you know the songs are like pretty nice it's got a pretty nice story and stuff um like technically i think like the graphics or like whatever the cgi, whatever it is that they use for those movies is really good. Like it's amazing. But yeah, I mean, I've seen it like a fucking billion times. So I don't know. Jesus Christ. I don't know. Kill me. It's like some dystopian nightmare.

I mean, that's probably what they do to like terrorists in, you know, Guantanamo. They kind of just play them back-to-back Disney movies, like the same one, though. No, I think they would do it with the Dreamworks movie, though, because they're like the fucking shitty versions of Disney movies. I feel like Mulan's pretty good. Which is the worst

Disney movie? Stop it. The worst Disney movie? You mean of the cartoons of the modern era? Which would be the worst one to have to watch back-to-back? Probably something really boring like The Aristococats i think when i was a kid it was dumbo that's the one that i ended up watching that's not too bad like pinocchio now pinocchio is pretty nice though 101 dalmatians is pretty fucking bad 101 dalmatians yes pretty they made like a they made like a fucking real life one of it too didn't they with

glenn close a couple years ago i think oh god with i i i looked in the mirror today and i've got this like gray streak in my hair at the front and i thought fuck me i look like cruella deville nice i'm like i'm like i need to just do something about it so i'm gonna have to start i think dyeing my hair i'll tell you which what animated dis Disney movie I really did like was that Robin Hood. Remember that one? It had like all the cool whistling songs and stuff. That one was all right. I remember liking it as a kid.

So like I'd probably still like it as a 37-year-old man, I'm sure. I like the Winnie the Pooh movies as well. You know, like the original ones. Oh, they're pretty good though. Yeah, they were like, I mean was i was little when those came out so i still have like some like nostalgia about them i guess but cars i would hate to have to watch cars back to back i don't know i think the original cars cars wasn't as bad as like planes and cars two and cars three and they're all pretty fucking measurable aren't they the toy story movies were okay they were pretty

good i really love the toy what was that what about the snail snail it was like a racing one oh there was a snail one it was it was terrible right yeah i don't know if that was a disney one oh no it was probably like a dreamworks wasn't it i think we're blending we're blending into the other studios yeah yeah it seems like it seems like like do they do they have crossed over i mean i say dreamworks make shitty movies like the shrek movies were okay they were like pretty funny i guess shrek movies okay they were like funny Donkey. Some of them were okay. So funny. I'm through the fart in the swamp. So funny. Fucking Shrek. Donkey.

I don't know, Shrek. I think we should go for some pot of hay. I love me some pot of hay. Okay. Donkey, stop blowing off. I'm the fart king around here, you know. I'm in a fucking swamp. I'm an ogre.

Jokes about monkeys and such. On the topic of Eddie Murphy, though, did you guys hear that fucking Eddie Murphy's brother died? You know, he was in like Chappelle's show. Yeah, Charlie Murphy died, yeah. Who? Who is that? Charlie Murphy. Nobody is.

I don't know who that was. Charlie Murphy was not unfamous, dude. Yeah, he was pretty well known. Did you never watch Chappelle's show? He was in it a lot. Chappelle's show was great. His bit on that was funny. He was Eddie Murphy's brother, or he was in it a lot no it was great his bid on that was funny he was like he was eddie

murphy he's eddie murphy's brother he was and he was his bodyguard a lot of that period when when eddie murphy was very famous and obviously charlie murphy was like a real he was a real dude like he was you know you didn't fuck with charlie murphy he was not to be fucked with he was a big guy very tough and he was you know eddie murphy sort of head of security sort of thing he was a bodyguard yeah yeah i mean he hung out with his brother and he was part Murphy's head of security sort of thing. He was a bodyguard? Yeah, he hung out with his brother and he was part of that crew and everything. I don't know if I'd want my brother to be my bodyguard. I think he would if it was Charlie Murphy

because he's a badass. Or is that like... I don't know. I think there's something weird about that, isn't there? Do you not think? Maybe not, though. Is your brother the exact kind of person you want to show um think about this your brother isn't gonna let you down right you know what i mean this is true but is he

gonna take it he's gonna be there for you he's part of the family and you know i think it'd be great i would love to have is he's a bodyguard supposed to take a bullet for you um no that's the secret service yeah right oh i see no bodyguard, you're just meant to look... Like, you know, Britney Spears used to have that really gigantic bodyguard who looked like... He kind of looked like a cruise missile, but like maybe five or six cruise missiles combined into one. Right. But like in the body and not at the tip. Britney Spears bodyguard.

Yeah, he was big. I think his name was like Bubbles or something. something he was huge i don't know if it's fernando i don't know if it was actually bubbles but like he was he was a really big big guy yeah he would just sort of stand there and look imposing so so charlie murphy he was part of that whole hollywood scene with with eddie murphy because so everywhere eddie went obviously he would go and all the different hangers on and everything but charlie murphy had a million funny stories about being you know with eddie and all that's kind of weird fame and stuff like that it was really funny he's he's really fucking funny like himself so like he's probably the best person to tell those stories right exactly like the one where he went to prince's

house after a party and they played basketball was that is one of the best Chappelle show sketches of all time. Yeah. I will have to watch this show. It's so good. Like he literally, they go to Prince's house for this party and Prince was like, hey, Charlie Murphy, would you like to play some basketball? And Charlie Murphy and all these guys are there

wearing their like appropriate gear for it. And they were like laughing because he's Prince. He's tiny. And all this little like kind of slightly uh camp looking crew and they're the what was the um what was the name of the prince's guys the something generation or something like that like whatever the oh fuck i watched it like recently too it was um yeah i can't remember the revolution or something the revolution yeah so they're all there wearing like you know they've got the kind of looks like a doily around their neck like all these fancy cravats and they played wearing

that stuff and they fucking destroyed charlie murphy and his crew they absolutely tore them apart and afterwards he's like would you like some pancakes charlie murphy when he's fucking when he's when he's humping the ball he's like doing like that fucking weird Prince sound. Oh, shit. Oh, man, that is a funny sketch. But yeah, Charlie Murphy is great. It's a shame.

If you're going to watch Chappelle's show sketches, Lewis, you want to watch that one. And another really, really good one is the Player Haters ball with Ice-T in it. It's got Ice-T, Charlie Murphy's in it as well. Holy shit. This really is like like early 2000s like thing isn't it honestly chapelle show was one of my favorite shows and i was gutted when it went away i'm glad dave chapelle came back he did i saw his special on netflix it wasn't like his best work but i'm just glad to have him back i really am man i really enjoyed the i really

enjoyed the chapelle stuff on netflix actually it was really good though like it was it just shows like how fucking good he is at at writing comedy because like the whole the whole thing with the with the pussy padding um superhero and and then linking that back to bill cosby like right at the end was was really fucking funny actually very funny guy it destroyed me i was laughing very very hard i'm really hoping that um he keeps going rather than just does like these occasional comebacks because i think a lot of the comedians like my favorite comedian is stewart lee like a british comedian and he he is always working he's always always out there doing comedy doing stand-up and i saw him in like some teeny tiny venues honing his material in front of an audience and really

getting it just right before he takes it on tour and does like a big tv show and stuff yeah so when he did um stuart lee's comedy vehicle i'd seen him do that material like a year and a half before in a really small comedy club in london and it was almost the same material but he just tweaked it and honed it it was perfect it was absolutely perfect his stand-up is so fucking good his delivery is perfect his timing everything yeah his understanding of how the audience is going to react and he plays with with that and it's like if you're not out there doing it all the time i feel like a comedian that sort of makes it writes the material comes back and does a big special i i would like to see him do like back to the grind just straight up comedy touring because

that's how they get really really funny stewart lee's great i mean he's like the original kind of inspiration i think for like like one of our one of our big like comedy inspirations really simon like is huge oh he's great and used to listen to i think he still listens to the leon herring kind of podcasts they do and yeah man like all the way back he's simon's just a huge fan as well so yeah i don't know if i've ever seen him do any stand-up but i recognize the face i just like him and him and richard herring the stuff that they used to do in the 90s was genuinely there was nothing else like it on television like that 90s comedy you had you had uh lean herring and you had like um chris morris and people like that they were all suddenly arrived and they were fucking amazing and And they'd been funny for ages.

Was he anything to do with them? Like brass eye and all that? No, that was Chris. That was like Chris Morris and Steve Coogan and, and, um, people like that.

So Chris Morris is sort of a different, yeah, he's very funny. I mean, I, I, I've, I think I watched the,

um, the Alan Partridge alpha Papa movie, which, um, with Simon, we watched it in the cinema and I've really enjoyed it actually. So if you haven't seen that, like, I watched the Alan Partridge Alpha Papa movie which with Simon we watched it in the cinema and I really enjoyed it actually

so if you haven't seen that I thought it was good fun I actually saw Chris Morris at a Stuart Lee gig

so I was at we were at the gig it was in Leicester Square and there was Chris Morris I was like holy shit

I was like that's how you know that Stuart Lee's fucking the real deal when Chris Morris is coming to see him other comedians generally don't enjoy watching other comedians because they sort of see what they're doing and they sort of you know

it's like watching someone do your job as well and you're like yeah that was funny that was a good bit because you could see it from a professional angle I guess like I've read a lot I've seen a lot of interviews with comedians where they say they don't really go to other people's comedy shows because it's hard to watch. You know how they've got there and where they're going.

And you can already see the tracks and stuff like that of where the jokes are leading. And of course, a lot of jokes, you've already heard them before. Or it's just a play on another joke sort of thing. But I mean, yeah, Stuart Lee. Everybody fucking loves Stuart Lee. What a guy. I need to check him out. Honestly.

His book is excellent, by the way. wrote a book um about his stand-up and it's like annotated notes that go along with his set so it's got this transcript of a stand-up routine and then it's got tons of notes about it and the notes are fucking hilarious but they also show how much he's put into coming up with that material that's the thing is you think these guys just write this stuff but it's years of work to get a really good hour and a half routine. So that's how, you know,

Dave Chappelle has fucking honed that. Like he was on, he's done a tour to back that up and then he records a special at the end once he's got it just right. There's so much to it. It's crazy how much work it is. There's so many, yeah.

But part of the art, it's the same thing with Louis C.K. It's like, you know, the art is to make it feel like it's still the first time you're doing it almost. You know, make it feel natural. He's brilliant. He's probably the best comedian around, I think. I mean, every single word is chosen very carefully on these stand-up shows.

Louis C.K. is very funny. Distill it. It's like it's so honed. Not a word or a sentence is wasted. There's no fluff. It's just everything's leading in and the delivery is just right and the little turns of phrase and everything.

Oh, he's brilliant. I love Louis Sinko. It's good. You look at his appearances on talk shows. When he goes on a talk show, he's always got a bit that he's doing that feels like it's just part of a conversation. But I guess before the show, he says,

I want to talk about so-and-so. I've got a bit prepared. And they're like, okay, cool. So then they ask him a question and then he can lead into this five minute sort of monologue if you like that he's got i mean it's just they're so good all these little snippets of material that he's just using for that talk show you just think how the fuck can you be that funny it's incredible and here we are turning up and just doing a fucking podcast talking bollocks off the top of our heads if we went away for a month and prepared a podcast and just honed it and scripted it we wouldn't make it look even a tenth as good as

no it would be terrible i like i i find in my experience if i overthink things or like try try to come up with something like elaborate or whatever it's never it's never like as good as just something that's like you know happens randomly or like is off the cuff or whatever it's never it's never like as good it's just something that's like you know happens randomly or like is off the cuff or whatever you know what i mean like but they make it look off the cuff but it's not it's incredible it is like uh it's like a like an art isn't it yeah they're just very very very good at it i saw jimmy carr live one time like this is a long time ago back when jimmy carr was just sort of like you know popular now like you've seen him like you see him everywhere on like every fucking show on channel four or

whatever but fucking yeah this was like a while back before he was like on tv all the all the time and stuff and he was sort of like people were just kind of finding out about him and stuff and his you know he's got his some of his some of his comedies a little bit like um offensive and controversial and stuff but one thing i found was that when i went to see him live because he was over here it's like jimmy car let's go see him like he's you know just at the fucking opera house like in town so we went to see him and um it just it it just felt like super recycled you know like he was just doing he was making jokes and doing bits that like I'd already seen him do on TV sort of thing. Yeah.

And then like, and I know that that's kind of how it works, but like, it was just a bit, it just, it wasn't like that funny. Like, I think that like a lot of the laughter felt like it was just nervous laughter because people thought they were going to get heckled or something by him by him but like it wasn't i don't know it didn't it didn't seem fresh or new you know there wasn't anything like in it that just sort of like fucking sent the the crowd like spinning or anything you know what i mean like it was okay i remember because i remember jimmy car was like in doing like there was this dodgy thing with him tax doing tax avoidance on jersey right and that was like what and i remember when I went to Jersey for the first time, one of the first things I saw upon landing at Jersey Airport was like a massive poster advertising Jimmy Carr being on it,

like the theater in Jersey. And I was like, well, I guess he does live here then. No, it's just like... Jersey's funny because it's like, occasionally you get people come through here when they're doing like a UK tour or whatever, but only very occasionally. So like sometimes... To defer all of the tax.

Sometimes we'll get like, you know, like a comedian come through if he's touring the UK. Like very, very rarely will we get like, you know, like a big musician come through. Like I think Robbies came here one time there's like there's not really williams or robin williams robbie williams you know like uh fucking the bad williams yeah yeah yeah millennium that guy oh god he came he came here one time and like you know this this is a guy that plays like arenas in the UK. And he came over here and played like up at the fort, which is like fucking, it's like a high school gymnasium at best.

Like with bleachers, like, you know, they must have sold it out to 200 people or something. Tell us about the world. We don't know anything. We're stuck here. Help us. Thanks for coming, Jersey people. anything. We're stuck here. Help us. Thanks for coming, Jersey people. Thank you. I'll see you next week.

Is the war still on? Are we liberated yet? Oh, man. Oh, guys, right. I've got to tell you something. I've got to tell you something. Okay. So this was very exciting for me, and I almost jumped out of my seat.

I watched a movie the other night with Mrs. F. I think it was on Sunday night, right? It was the movie Battleship. Have you ever seen it? Oh my God, I have, yeah. So it's a huge budget movie, right? Massive. It lost a fortune.

It was a disaster. It had all kinds of people in it. Is it new? No, no, no. It's a few years old. Okay. It was made in that period in Hollywood. 2012.

Right. It was made in that period in Hollywood when everything had to be orange and teal. Do you remember that phase? Orange and blue contrast. They were obsessed with it because it makes the image pop off the screen and all the rest of it. There was a website that just lists

all the movie posters that used this colour scheme. Orange, blue contrast. It was ridiculous. And they would filter everything. And every scene seemed to need someone wearing dark blue or teal while something orange was also it's still a thing it's totally not as bad i've been watching for it because i was offended by this idea and it's not

as bad as it was uh but it's still pretty bad but in the in the movie battleship in every fucking scene even if there's no reason for it to be that color something will be bright orange and something will be blue so that it all sparkles and pops off the screen. So anyway, I'm watching the movie Battleship. It's a ridiculous movie. The part of it is they're on some kind of exercise and aliens invade. And for some reason, these aliens invade the planet by the ocean. So this giant alien battleship lands and starts sending out all these weapons and stuff like this. Now, I at no point knew until I saw the credits that this movie is based on the board game Battleship, right? I had no idea that this was the case.

I just thought it was called Battleship. Which means that was in the credits. It was in the credits. It said, based on the Hasbro board game Battleship. And I fell out of my seat, and I was laughing so hard, I was almost crying. And I was like, oh my God, so much in this movie makes sense, because there's a scene where the aliens are moving, and they can't see them because it's so hard i was almost crying and i was like oh my god so much in this movie makes sense because there's a scene where the aliens are moving and they can't see them because it's night time

and their radar's not working so the guy says that the japanese guy on some kind of exchange he says the boys we got these underwater boys or buoys as americans call them hilariously the underwater buoys have formed like a net around this island they're for checking seismic activity we can use the buoys to locate their presence they're like oh my goodness this is working so they have this grid arrayed and suddenly if i'm looking back now i should have seen it the ship the film's called battleship and this is literally from battleship they say e15 and they fire and the guy goes miss and then he says d12 and they hold their breath he goes miss and then they go all right g7 he goes hit and they go and i'm like

wow this is so dumb and i didn't realize until the credits i was like wait a minute how did someone was given the task about that game of all the games you make a movie about this sips imagine this someone comes to you and says we have to make a movie about the board game battleship and you're a writer and you have to come up with a way to shoehorn the board game battleship with its very iconic e15 miss g12 hit they have to shoehorn that in some guy came up with this did somebody do the hats off to you sir did somebody do the catchphrase for battleship like you sunk my battleship did that come i was praying for it but it never happened

i didn't obviously i didn't know until the end but afterwards i was thinking about did anyone say you sunk my battleship but get this the the highlight of the movie is that i think it i think it's in whatever island it is they've got this ancient world war ii battleship that's just stationed as a museum in the harbor. Now, their ships are all fucked up. And they're like, we haven't got any ships left to take out these aliens. And the guy's like, wait a minute, there is one more ship we can use. And they go and they get, it's like the USS Minneapolis or something like that.

It's like this huge battleship. World War II era, it hasn't been out of dry dock in like 20 years or whatever. And there's all these old dudes that worked on the ship back in World War II manning the ship and they turn up and all the guys are up in the rigging and I'm like how did those old dudes get up in the rigging like that that's crazy but they're like what do you need sir

and he goes gentlemen we're going back into action and they're like how much ammo do we have and he goes oh not much I'm thinking no you have no ammo you're a museum it's like it's like a museum ship yeah yeah yeah but they have all these i enjoyed that movie i enjoyed that movie but they said no we got a few bullets knocking around it's like cool get the shells out and fire up the briars so they fire it up and they fucking motor out there and they win the fight with this world war ii battleship that is somehow fully functioning operational and it was insane it was such a ridiculous movie it was possessed you to watch this movie though like

where it was on where did you find it it was on television oh it was on tv okay i see i was like me and mrs f were like you know because i obviously i spend a lot of time streaming in the evenings and stuff and she works late a lot so we don't get to hang out as much as we used to. So I was like, you know what? We should have a couple of nights a week where we just sit down and watch shit television. She's like, cool. Because that's like, you know, I love watching shit movies. And she does too.

Yeah. So it was like fucking Battleship. She's like, I've seen it. It's terrible. You'll love it. I was like, cool. So we just watched it. And I was like, in heaven.

I was loving it. Man. It was so fucking fun. Jesus. You want to watch other shit movies then? I mean, people can recommend it. Oh, I've seen wanna watch other shit movies then I mean people can recommend it I've seen a lot of

shit movies I mean it's not you wanna stumble across it that's the joy of a shit movie if you're like

yeah you don't really seek out a shit movie like you just sort of you like the sound of something or something sounds

like it might be okay and it turns out to be really heaving steaming shit but you know you tried it out anyway just to see like the room i watched the room you seen that movie you know you're tearing me apart lisa all

that stuff oh my god that's what about the game with michael douglas do you ever see that one yeah that's pretty fucking bad fuck it's so fucking bad i just found it boring yeah i mean it needs to be ridiculous the battleship is you never bored watch a battleship it's so fucking bad. I just found it boring. Yeah, it was really bad. I mean, it needs to be ridiculous. The battleship is, you're never bored watching a battleship. It's so terrible. And it's also so high budget. I thought Pacific Rim was pretty fucking terrible. Oh, God, some people love that fucking movie.

I don't know why. It was terrible. It's really bad. It's just, it was, it was, oh, fuck me. Like, it was, it felt like such a fucking chore getting through it i was like watching it on the plane which didn't help either but man it was like visually impressive but holy crap like that it was that's fucking bad jesus well i mean like i i think like there's a you don't have to watch bad movies either though right like i was um talking to tom and ben yesterday and

we were like talking about demolition man you know yeah from the 90s like it's a classic kind of it's a classic 90s action yeah which may not hold up now but at the time you know i mean the 90s was that was a different time right like when when when something came out in the theaters it was a big fucking deal like i remember when terminator 2 came out and people were just losing their fucking shit like it was crazy we went to see it on not even opening night it had been out in theaters for like a week or something already and my dad took me to see it i was i was young at the time too he wanted to see it so he took me to see it we went to see

it at like late it was like it was like 10 o'clock at night and there was a fucking lineup all the way outside like around the mall it was it was insane it was just it was huge everybody was like so fucking excited to see it and it was the biggest movie of 1991 god it was it was cool like it was really cool but like i don't know does that happen in movie theaters anymore i feel like people just fucking you know get like screeners it does feel like every movie is bigger than the last like no no no every movie grosses more than the last like movie you know it's always like this is a record-breaking weekend this is a record-breaking weekend like every movie breaks all the records a lot of movies when they talk about the budget they don't include the marketing cost like that's not something that you see so when they talk about

this movie cost 150 million to make they probably spent that again on marketing for a big budget movie a really big budget movie so i mean for instance and they'll consider it a loss if it only makes like 10 20 million they'll be'll be like, this was a dud. Because we spent all this money and we basically barely made anything compared to the outlay. Like you expect to make a movie for like $100 billion. You expect to make like half a billion off that shit. Yeah, yeah. The Star Wars movies make a fucking fortune. Coming back to Moana, I was reading about it because I've seen it so many times.

So I looked it up because i wanted to see like you know if it fucking did well or it was received well and it turns out it was it's received pretty well and um it was like they they're not sure but they estimated that it probably cost about 150 million to make like all in um but it grossed like something crazy, like nearly a billion worldwide. And that's just box office. Like, you know, this is Disney, right? There's fucking Moana toilet paper out there right now. Like the licensing for merchandise and shit is going to be another couple of billion easy. Oh, yeah.

I love to take a shit on the rocks face. My son's got a little toilet seat that has fucking Mickey mouse on it. And that's what he shits on. He doesn't shit on Mickey's face, obviously, but he's got shit on Mickey. But like he sits down on this seat every day to take a shit. Does he shit in Mickey's mouth?

Well, yeah, I guess so. His little happy face. Hey, shit in my mouth, kid. Yeah,

but no, there's literally, there's merchandise for everything when it comes to disney and like and people buy it up like it like it could be anything like you can probably get a fucking moana themed toaster if you look really hard you know what i mean like there's just it's it's everywhere so like the fucking amount of money that that movie would have made for them is staggering it's just crazy you know have you seen the film battlefield earth that's one of my favorite bad movies oh my god what the fucking scientology one of ultra in and it's that's the that's the that's the true story of scientology yeah right i never watched it i remember when

it came out you should see it it's so good i was working in blockbuster at the time and this is back when they still have vhs tapes it was when dvds were just coming out right so you had half vhs and then half dvds because it was 2000 it came out 2000 yeah so yeah i remember like the cover of it like john travolta looked like a klingon or something it's yeah yeah he's um oh he's got big blue face i've never actually seen yeah you must see that movie dude it is hilarious i don't want to i i find it really hard to watch travolta movies now i don't know what it is terrible like terrible but honestly you've got to watch that i was it was one of my i mean there's a bunch of talking about bad movies like the ones i remember are jack and jill i saw the adams sandler movie did you see it in the cinema oh no fuck me i didn't

but it's famously fucking garbage like it's just so bad what about that one um what about that one about video games or the internet or whatever that sandler did what was it called like um could you narrow it down a shade no the one that has like the big pac-man in it it was like a big pac-man i think was it wasn't click click was the one where he has the magical remote control i never saw that pixels yeah what did anyone see that no no not one person not a single person jack and jill was stunningly bad oh the what was that movie the happening i saw that in the cinema because i got a i was writing movie reviews at the time i think i've spoken about this before actually but i was writing for a website i was

doing movie reviews uh The Spinning Image, I think it was called. And I did a whole bunch of reviews and they sent me on this press pass to go and interview M. Night Shyamalan and the stars of the movie

on the red carpet at the London opening of the movie. Nice. So I was there with, like, the movie guy from, you know, these various radio stations, the BBC,

and there's me, who's got no press credentials whatsoever and has not studied anywhere. And there's Paul Giamatti, who's like, I thought was a brilliant actor. And then I saw this movie. And then there's like Bryce Dallas Howard, who's like one of my top crushes in the world. And there she was, I almost fell over.

And then we had to watch The Happening. Oh no, that was Lady in the Water. Fuck me. I saw The Happening on DVD. over and then we had to watch the happening oh no that was lady in the water fuck me i saw i saw the happening on dvd because i knew it's gonna be a shitter so i had to see it it was so fucking bad but lady in the water was just as shitty but oh man oh god oh oh my god watching both of those movies back to back would make my day this is so terrible freddie got fingers yes i love that that movie's fucking fantastic holy shit look daddy i'm a farmer i'm a farmer and he's waiting i want some sausages daddy would

you like some sausages fucking tom green is amazing man he's so fucking funny maybe you've got to be canadian or in my case half canadian he's from the same city as me he was he grew up like he's a bit older than me i remember watching one where uh he went out into the audience he did a bit where he went and got a turd from a toilet and then took it out into the audience like it was a big old turd and he brought it out in a bowl and this guy touched it thinking it was a prop and he was like you thought that was a prop turd didn't you sir and the guy's face was just like oh my god i've touched a giant turd the guy in the audience reached out and touched it thinking it was a prop why would you touch touch it? I was... Oh, my God.

What else is terrible? I mean, Catwoman was bad. I saw that on a plane. What was the last movie you guys actually saw in the theater? Do you guys go to the cinema a lot? Very occasionally. Arrival was the last thing I saw in the theater. Arrival.

Oh, I watched a screener of that. It was great. It was good. It was real good. What is Arrival? It's about aliens that turn up. Arrival. I'm going to keep...

There's no spoilers, all right? Don't worry, podcasters. It's about aliens that turn up. I'm going to keep, there's no spoilers, all right? Don't worry, podcasters. It's about aliens. There's no spoilers. Amy Adams, this is the synopsis. This is the synopsis you'd get. Amy Adams is a linguist. She's like a specialist in languages and translation and stuff like that.

Aliens turn up. They need her help to talk to the aliens. Movie. All right? It is brilliant. A very, very, very good movie. It's really really tense really nice really well shot okay yeah enjoyed it all right i saw the lego batman movie

um recently that was um that was something sure i can't remember the last time i saw like an adult movie in the theaters like because we mean we take my yeah we take my son to like see movies but obviously he's not gonna go fucking see pulp fiction or whatever you know like everyone else in the office or get out the new um written by jordan peele apparently yes apparently it's really really good everyone's amazing um it well it's yeah yeah i don't want to spoil it just i think you just have to you have to just watch it it's definitely a little bit kind of um of creeps you out a little bit. I can't not see like the frog face from Essay like next to the title of that movie, like the get out guy.

Get out. Oh, cool. Yeah, it is cool, isn't it? Sorry, I've just got a text. All right, I'm going to have to go. We're going to have to. You have to go? My friends.

Well, we've got time for a bodega, haven't we? Yeah, I mean, you've literally got a text and you're leaving? No, well, my friend turned up that I haven't seen for like 10 years and he's like, I've just parked up in Bristol, town centre, so I'm going to have to go and head over and have lunch with him. If you want, you can go and me

and Sips can do the bodega. I can take another five minutes for a bodega. I'm going to take my time with this one. All right. Okay, well, go ahead. Bodega. Nice. Part 21-ino.

All right. Nebish sat mesmerized by the incredible array of ships before him. Some kind of space yachting festival was taking place around Baboosh 3, home of the infamous Wallop bar and grill. And as spectacles go, it was, well, it was spectacular. The magnified wide-angle viewport from the lounge of the Disco Volante acted as a wonderful front seat view of the competition, as the beautiful old-fashioned space yachts used their solar sails to glide around anchored buoys as they raced against each other.

Sadly, behind him in the cargo hold, a far less seemly competition was afoot. Rab, you're wasting your time, said Nebish wearily. Shut your piehole, chum, slurred Rab, who swayed uncertainly despite being seated. Do you wish to continue, said Varu, sitting bolt upright opposite Rab. The two towering figures were squeezed into a pair of portable plastic folding chairs at a small portable plastic folding table, as if they were having a picnic. Instead, here they were in the cargo hold of the Disco Volante, having an impromptu drinking contest. In one corner, Rab of Tartania, holder of the thrice regurgitated crown of Dunyirnek,

founding member of the Iron Gut Combat Battalion and possessor of a liver so powerful he was occasionally asked to consume dirty rocket fuel that he might then pee out pure rocket fuel. In the other corner, Varu, a combat droid so devastatingly powerful that it had been banned from setting foot on most inhabited worlds. Its inner workings were so complex that even Nebish, that master of technology, Nice.

Do you wish to continue? Varu asked again, a small yes slash no question mark flashing red on his face display. Why? Fucking yes? You cut your shot with Rab. Both competitors picked up their drinking vessels, lead-lined tankards filled with Spatial Brew Plus, which

was actually banned on more worlds than Varu, and then cracked them together. Doing it goes, said Rab, bobbing briefly into his lap before necking the viscous booze. Varu, and then cracked them together. Do ne gos, said Rab, bobbing briefly into his lap before necking the viscous booze. Varu poured his drink into a small funnel that emerged from a slot on his neck. Rab blinked

hard and attempted to stare down Varu. Do you wish to continue? asked Varu, the same readout appearing on his face. Fucking spiders! screamed Rab, pouring at his face with one mighty hand, one of his eyes screwballing wildly to the left, while the other rolled madly in its socket,

some more vomiting, this time from his nose and ears. Nebbish peered back out at the graceful dance of the space yachts, sighing at their majesty. I think, perhaps, he began, before Rab pounded the table with his fist, cracking it in two. Empty cans flew in all directions, several crashing into Nebbish, who shielded the table with his fist, cracking it in two. Empty cans flew in all directions. Several crashing into Nevesh, who shielded his face with one arm, pleading, Rab, you're going to kill yourself.

I the fucking way to the party is doing the wee little hole. And then you take a left turn with your fucking more. You escrowed your fucking fucking ass, said Rab. All of this vital information spewing out in one long string of vowels as he slid hopelessly down out of his chair, passing out on the floor. Varu is victorious, said Varu, and a party popper on a tiny arm emerged from his shoulder, and a second tiny arm emerged slightly below it and pulled the string,

sending coloured paper everywhere with a small bang. Varu, how long has Bodega been down there for? Six hours, 13 minutes and five seconds, said Varu. That seems like a long time for a simple meeting, said Nebish, turning to his computer screen. He said he wouldn't be long, so maybe we should try to contact him. Possibly he might also be getting his balls wet, said Varu, accessing his common parlance library.

True, but I don't know. He seemed kind of all business when he left. I think we should try the signal, said Nebish, pursing his lips. Very well. Varu concurs, said the robot, rising and moving to the ship's communication station. All the members of the disco were fitted with a small signaling device on the inside of their left wrist, a simple vibrating implant that let someone know they needed to contact the ship. Nebich had insisted that a tracking device would be a disastrous idea in case the ship was captured. Their enemies

would immediately be able to discern all of their whereabouts, but a receiver was different since it couldn't be located. Nebich sent out the wide beam, where the flaw of are you signal and sat back to wait. Something was bothering him, however. They needed a way to communicate. That was a given. They also needed a way to let someone know you needed to communicate with them. It was no good just calling someone's communicator if it was a bad time to talk. Instead, you sent them a discreet ping, they knew you needed to talk, and they called you when it was convenient. But the ship's outbound sailing signal. Was there a way to track that? Surely not. It was so broad,

so omnidirectional, it could have come from anywhere. Here they were, cloaked up in the third moon's shadow, unnoticed by any possible federal ships patrolling the area, and for all anyone listening knew, someone somewhere had sent a simple one-byte message to the whole flarving planet. Hell, you'd need a hundred ships in an impromptu net, all listening in. Hundreds of ships. Nebish's eyes widened as the blindingly obvious slapped him in the face. The space yachts! Rab! Varu! We have to leave, shouted Nebish, lunging towards the bridge. Varu turned, processed a look on Nebish's face, and began powering up the hyperdrive. Rab dragged himself

from the floor with a deathly groan and attempted to stand, but instead made do with a manly combat crawl towards the weapons station. What's on? he cried. Feds! shouted Nevis, sweat beating on his brow as he pointed to the viewport. The space yachts were wheeling away as behind them a fleet of Federal Pursuit ships burned straight for the third moon of Babush 3. What about Bodega? asked Varu. We'll have to come back for him. We have to leave, now! And with that, Nevis slapped

the go-go button, and the Disco Volante span up its hyperdrive and vanished. On the planet below, Bodega was quite unaware that his getaway vessel had just peaced out on him, and that the combined forces of Krem Slumdump's personal combat retinue now knew they almost had their man.

Again. To be continued. Ah. Oh, good work. A bodega. Good work, bodega. It's exciting. That's a good setup for the next for stranding our hero. Big ol'

bodega. Fucking, I'm loving the to be continueds. These are good. Yeah. These are nice. I feel we need some continueds. Continued These are good. Yeah. These are nice. I feel we need some continueds. Continueds are good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just thinking like while you were doing this, right? It's like Battleship made a pretty bad good movie, right?

Right. And Bodega would make a pretty bad good movie, I think, too. But, I mean, what if you tried to do like other movies like with a board game? Like Scrabble? How would you do that? I mean, what if you tried to do like other movies like with a board game, like Scrabble? How would you do that? It'd have to be like a documentary style, like Bobby Fischer sort of thing.

You know what I mean? Like it would have... Yeah. Oh, I see. About the Scrabble World Championship. And it would have to be done maybe kind of like Best in Show. Remember that movie, Best in Show? Yeah. It was really crazy.

You could do Monopoly. Yeah. Just have really crazy. You could do Monopoly. Yeah. So you'd have to find, like, some people that could play, like, eccentrics that, like, you know, go on world tour to play. It could be like the Wolf of Wall Street. But with four businessmen, one who wears very large shoes, one who does a lot of ironing, one who owns a small dog, and one who drives a very old-fashioned car.

They should do. And they all have to compete to monopolize each other. bulldog and one who drives a very old-fashioned car that's they should do that's what they should do they should do like a they should do for like red nose day next year comic relief they should get the cast of dragon's den to play monopoly like just live stream it for a couple of hours get like get like the old crew too like get fucking like theo profetus and like duncan bannatyne it's like the other guy and that lady oh i'd watch it boardwalk i don't have enough money for that i'm out you just rage quits just like fucking flips the table the business deals they do yeah to trade like old kent road for for park lane it

would be it would be one of the business deals of the century you'd see how real business people play monopoly that's it i wonder if they'd ever trade. That's it. Because they all know how to deal. If anyone knows the cast of Dragon's Den, UK edition, float that one by them and see what they think. And thank me later when we get to watch this next year for Red Nose Day. Like, how fucking funny would that be?

It'd be great. Shit. Right. Lewis, you need to go see your longtime friend. I'm going to go see my bro. Yeah. Incidentally, they did retire the iron from Monopoly. Yeah, I know.

Why? I was really upset. They replaced it with the cat. I guess because women were like, mums didn't like playing with the iron. No, no, no. They wanted to bring it up to date. So they put a vote out and they said,

pick one of these and we'll stick it in the game instead of the iron. I guess so. I think you voted for one that you didn't like and then you voted for a replacement see if you could name the current eight tokens all right well the eyes are there so the cat the dog yeah the top hat yeah the car yeah the car um yeah so there's eight tokens yeah yeah one of them it happens to be something we've mentioned quite a few times actually a thimble yeah yeah thimble thimble was retired this year actually guys i have something that's gonna blow your mind i saw

monopoly in the store the other day and it doesn't come with monopoly money it came with like this like little fucking like pocket like calculator thing uh with like a like a credit card sort of thing what the fuck that's a little train one of the things oh the old no the boot yeah the boot yeah there's two more there wasn't there a boat a little boat that's right what kind of boat was it a tugboat i think no it's a battleship was it a little battleship really i've never seen that i've never seen the battleship and the wheelbarrow i've never seen battleship and wheelbarrow that must other one. Oh, the wheelbarrow. I've never seen Battleship and Wheelbarrow. That must be new. I thought it was a little tugboat. I've never seen eight.

I remember Shoe, Iron Thimble, Dog, Car, and whatever the other one was. There used to be like a Cannon and a Horse and Rider. The thing with Monopoly now, though, there's lots of different editions too, right? There's like a Star Wars Monopoly, Moana Monopoly.

There's even a Jersey Monopoly now. There's a monopoly electronic banking edition that's the one i think that's the one i saw yeah america's national parks pokemon token nintendo phineas and ferb futurama disney villains jesus christ there's a sephora edition where you can be like blow dryer, compact lipstick, mascara. When did Monopoly sell out so hard? Coca-Cola edition. Hello Kitty edition.

They used to stand for something and now I don't know. Oh, man. Oh, Monopoly's a terrible fucking game. I hate Monopoly. All right. Well, we're going to end on that. Thank you for listening to the Trials Podcast this week, everybody. Yeah, cheers.

We'll see you next week. It was a good podcast. I enjoyed it. Me too. Love you. Bye. Bye, y'all. Goodbye. Bye. Goodbye. See you later. listening to the travels podcast this week everybody we'll see you next week it was a good podcast I enjoyed it me too love you bye bye goodbye

see you later