Triforce! - Triforce! #47: PU55Y: The Musical

Episode Date: June 14, 2017

Triforce Episode 47! Sips won't hire an ex-con for his seedy strip joint, Lewis spent his childhood in a tent and Ted Dicksmith doesn't have any friends.   Music courtesy of Epidemic Sound. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Hello and welcome back to the Triforce podcast. Thank you for tuning in, guys. Thank you for listening. And girls. To me, Lewis, of the Oskast,

Pyrrion, Ted, Forsythe, Flax, of Twickenham, London. Am I not of the Yogs cast? No, not really. Yes, of course. And Sips Chris Lovitz, Canadian citizen living in Jersey, the little island near France. Didn't vote. Englishman. Non-voter.

Through and through. Non-voter. It is voting day today in the United Kingdom. So the podcast is usually delayed about six days yeah uh we record it on thursday it goes out the wednesday after yeah and uh although it might be a little bit delayed this week due to the fact that we're moving office yeah um next monday tuesday you we were just mentioning before the podcast that poor old sipsy can't vote but he can vote in the canadian elections yeah but i didn't vote in that one either. So you do get to vote.

It's not like you're completely excluded from all opportunities. It's a waste. I never vote. I don't care enough to vote. I didn't think you'd get to vote because you're a convict or an ex-convict. Well, there's that too. But I wouldn't have voted anyway, so. They called you the portage runner.

Yeah. No, runner. You stole from banks by portaging up to them. If I'm going to be a convict, I'm going to be a convict for something cool and not for running a portage away from banks.

What is not cool about portage and run robbery? That's pretty cool. If you were in prison for that, everyone would be like, oh my god, it's the portage robbery. They wouldn't, though. You would be like, oh my God, it's the portage. They wouldn't, though. You would be a bitch straight away. You wouldn't be a bitch.

They'd come and ask you about your stories. Hey, portage boy, come into the shower. I'm ready to fuck you. And I'd be like, no, I actually killed people. And then they'd be like, oh, I don't want to fuck you now. Like, that's how prison works in my eyes. So I guess if you're in prison, you can't vote. But if you're an ex-con, can you vote?

Do you get your vote back when you're out of prison? I mean, this is an interesting topic because, you know, they always talk about prisons and reform and stuff like that. And, you know, people go into prison and the idea is that you spend a lot of time in prison and you contemplate the bad things that you did. You become a better person and then you come out of prison and then you can just start living life again. But the reality is, is like if you go to prison, you are basically fucked for the rest of your life.

Nobody wants to fucking touch you with the barge pole after you come out of prison. Nobody trusts you. Regardless of how reformed you think you are or actually are, nobody's going to give you a job. Like if I, if I ran a business where I actually hired people and I found out somebody was in prison, fuck you. You're not getting hired. Like I like i don't want i don't want it doesn't even matter what you did you just it's the trust that's broken right so like basically you become like a leper society after you come out of prison so just don't go here's my question though would you hire a leper no i would not so you don't like the lepers either i think it's contagious what kind of things could you it's not contagious well how do other people get it then?

Like, where does it come from and where does it go? Prison. You get it in prison. Would you judge people differently if you knew what their crimes were, though? You know, if it was like some marijuana that they had been dealing when they were a teenager or whatever. Would you judge them about that? No, I mean, if it was... Yeah, I guess like if somebody was in prison i mean you wouldn't

really be in prison for dealing marijuana as a teenager though what if you were 18 or 21 did like if you did like 20 years in prison you you did something pretty bad well this is this you know what this is an interesting story actually because uh i was at university with a guy who'd spent a lot of time in prison, like years and years in prison. And I went to Plymouth University and the day that I got there, we went to the house. We'd gone down a couple of weeks previously

to find a place to live and we'd found this shitty apartment or it was a house and we had a room in it. And we're there, I'm carrying my stuff up the steps. Mrs. F's parents are dropping us off. And this guy, he must have been about 42, 43, quite hard-looking guy, tattoos on his face and his neck. He starts walking up the steps.

I was like, wow, I wonder who this guy is. And he was like, all right, my name's Graham. Can I help you move in? I was like, you live here as well? He was like, yeah, yeah. So we got chatting. And he was starting a university. He had come from prison that day.

Like, he got out. And this was where he was living now. So he left prison, day like he got out right and this was where he was living now so he left prison got the got the bus and the train everything back to plymouth i think it was like whichever the one is like dartmoor prison which is a hard prison right that's where he'd been and he'd been there for i think he'd served an eight year sentence for armed robbery right and he'd robbed post offices um with a gun. It wasn't a real gun, but it counts as armed robbery if it's a pretend gun. Otherwise, everyone would

go in with a pretend gun and get like five years off their sentence or whatever. So he goes in with a fake gun because he didn't have a real gun and he would rob village post offices because there's never any police around. It's worth a good few grand or maybe 500 quid or whatever. Giveid all those stamps

i'm gonna need all those all those uh pencils and rubbers give me a give me those notebooks you got any of those airmail stickers in here i'm gonna need them all i like to stick them on my face just waving a pistol around this old lady oh yes please don't shoot the envelopes they're very precious to us i'm gonna take two of those pints of milk well i submit this to you i'm sure the guy was probably pretty nice and helpful moving and stuff like that but the thing is i think like human nature like once you've popped your crime cherry you know what i mean once you've crossed that threshold he's gonna probably do something like that no but he's gonna probably do some fucking devious shit like that again in his life no he this is the thing he was terrified of going back to prison like he just

done this spell he hated it i mean everybody should hate being in prison he fucking hated it like he wouldn't really talk about it much he told us when we we would tease him occasionally about getting um you know what what happens in the shower graham and stuff like that he was like we didn't didn't see any of that. I was like, really? He goes, yeah, because if anyone was caught doing any of that, you know, we'd fucking kill them. And I was like, okay, let's not bring that subject up again. Jeez.

But he, like, if we were, we got in trouble with the police a few times at university. You know, just student shit. Like, we stole a bunch of street traffic. What do they call it? The street furniture, you know, like the stuff they put around potholes. We robbed a load of that and stuck it in our back garden and stuff and um one time we burnt it all in a bonfire and the fire brigade and the police turned up because it looked like a massive fire but in fact it was just a a bin out the back that we'd filled with plastic

and set fire to it so they gave us a bollock in there we would also there was like a four-lane road outside our front door it wasn't like a motor it was like a main junction uh on mutley plain in uh in plymouth and we would throw in an american football across the road like over the heads of all the cars and everything like that and this police car turned up and bollocked us now the moment the police car turned up graham disappeared it was like a little cloud of dust in the shape of graham where he had been because he was so scared of his probation like so he literally he wouldn't do anything at university he was super careful spending a lot of time indoors you know didn't sort of go out he would come out to the pub with us but he tried

to keep it on the dl rather than going nuts because he was worried you know i'll get drunk i'll do something stupid and it'll be bad because he had like prison tattoos you have them on your face for every year in prison you get tattoos. You have them on your face. Every year in prison, you get another dot on your face. And I think on your neck is borstal, or one of them. There's one of the ways around it. It's on your hand and stuff. What is borstal?

That's prison for young offenders. Is this a thing you have to do? I think when you're in prison, you do what everybody else is doing. You don't be like, well, I'm not interested in all these tattoos and roughhousing and jugging. I gonna just stick to to something more more normal i'm gonna read a book how about that you read a book and you like your fucking thickos that's why you're in prison you get stabbed it's like a it's like a shitty shitty society in there you have to sort of like befriend people and do the things that they're doing and go with the flow in a lot of cases and stuff you

know like the last thing you want to do in prison i think is isolate yourself from everybody because then you're more likely to be like you know raped and whatnot like by other inmates and stuff like that like there's a lot of shit that goes on in jail that you have to sort of like you know be on on top of i guess the rules of community yeah but the rules of the prisons are obviously there in a way to maintain the balance right like these are these rules of prison i'm sure they've been the same forever if you stick a bunch of dudes in a fucking jail for years and years there needs to be very strict social order rules you know to cook not i don't want to say etiquette because i doubt they call it that but the way things are done right in a big ass which is the

way we do it which is the way we do it and you know you don't want to fuck with that and going well you know there's a lot of inefficiency in your system here yeah you're not gonna you don't want to go into into jail and be a revolutionary because, A, nobody's going to get behind that. Like all those guys in there just are doing their own shit and stuff. Like they don't want you to get up and do some really like tearful speech and like overthrow the warden and stuff like that. Nobody's in there to do that. Like they're all in there to like trade smokes, like, you know, kick each other's butts a little bit in the showers and stuff. Do their time and then get out and then live a normal life.

But again, I think any normal life after prison is hampered. Like in the States, I don't think you can vote anymore after you've been in prison. There's a lot of things you can't do. There's a lot of things that they do to keep track of you and stuff like that. I think it just becomes a lot more difficult like like life's hard enough already right but then prison is like one of my greatest fears as well if you got jail time under your belt like life is like a hundred times harder well i mean there's there's a bunch of things like you

have to declare when you're traveling like i think when you enter the states isn't that you have to fill out a little form that says yeah i've broken the law because if it's something bad they'll be like fuck off yeah yeah immigration slips and everything when you go to other countries always ask if you're an ex-con like it it's you know they they want to know this about you because i think i think people generally just don't trust people who've been to jail and rightly so probably because i mean if you've if you've if you've robbed somewhere you know what are the chances you're gonna then suddenly go i will never break the law again you know it's like you've crossed the line you know maybe you don't

even mean to like you know like your situation is just is gonna vary right like you might get out of jail and you might be poor as fuck you probably you don't have anyone around you no support nothing you you might be inclined to go back into committing a crime just to stay alive or something like that but i think like after you've committed a crime it's probably easier to do it again sort of thing you know yeah like maybe you're comfortable being a seal has been broken that's it that's what i think that's what i think it's a classic it's a classic suggestion, though, isn't it, that people meet people on the inside who end up hooking them up into deeper things.

You make contacts, and those people are in that world and around that world. People coming up with a scheme to maybe rob a bank using a portage, and they're like, we need the portage now. And then changing their mind and killing people because that's cooler than like just robbing a bank and yeah getting street cred and jail credit and stuff sips like if you were running your strip club on jersey as you have previously strips yeah strips uh it's like a cd strip bar near the airport um you know catches

the the old crowds heading back you know they think oh you know it's a business trip but maybe i'll just stay a little bit later yeah catch the later plane and i'll visit sip strips and i was thinking about my strip club the other day and it was it happened when i was i was cooking some i was cooking dinner okay were you doing cooking with sips were you cooking the halloumi peppers recipe yeah i was doing the do we have another one of those halloumi peppers um i mean i didn't prepare one but i'm sure i can wing it if you want okay yeah definitely so there i was preparing a halloumi pepper surprise and uh it was nice it was sizzling away it was smelling really good and i had some music playing because it's nice to listen to music when you're in the kitchen i do a little bit of dancing and like oh yeah do the dinner and shit like that and um high voltage by electric six came on yeah yeah and i and and when i was listening to it i was like man i would love to see women strip to this song i would have this

song i would do like a choreographed strip with all of my girls in the strip club and they would strip to this song and it would be really good i think would you show them how to do it as well well no i'd hire somebody do it like this girl you gotta you gotta shake your hips ladies no like this i'd get like uh like you know i'd get like one of andrew lloyd weber's like choreographers or something in to like do a little jig for them and stuff you know andrew lloyd weber's choreographer well so it would be like cats the musical but yeah but to high voltage but with and they're naked instead of cats and do like a recreation just call it pussy that'd be great yeah so so yeah

so that was my genius sorry i mean p55y call it p not even a shower thought it was more of like a cooking thought it was weird too like my family was just in the other room and there i was thinking of my strip club so that doesn't even exist wife come in here i will show you how to strip in my strip club which i haven't even opened yet would you hire though and this is the case where it might be good like imagine you were looking for a heavy right on the doorman would you hire i thought you meant a stripper i was like no i'm not that's not this would you hire someone who had on the cv um you know i've i've you know i've beaten up a bunch of guys before you know i've been to prison a few times no i wouldn't i would be really apprehensive about

hiring somebody who'd been to jail because like you just don't know like who they know who they hang around with what they're capable of that's exactly who you need in that world Sips you need someone with criminal underground connections no you don't for a bouncer jeez you just need somebody who's gonna hit the gym for 12 hours a day and is ripped to fuck and is

ready to like just intimidate people you know like all he's got to be able to do is like occasionally shove drunk people out of the way like it's not crack some fucking heads they're not street fighters yeah yeah well i'm just thinking like you know if i'm gonna set up my own cd strip bar i'm gonna want a fucking series of like what are they called um well i'm not setting up a cd strip bar unlike you lewis i'm going for something high class where they listen to high voltage in the mafia you have like the godfather and then you have like the capos the tenants they're the they're the lieutenants the capo did to decappy is the top guy we need some capos we need some

like head crackers yeah no that's not capos the capos are the captains capos aren't men those are soldiers of the headcrappers yeah the soldiers the soldiers of the headcrappers. Capos aren't cracking heads. They're sitting in like a mahogany room with stacks of money around them saying, Hey, go out and crack some heads. Come back to me tomorrow. Get me Jimmy glasses. Jimmy, Paulie No-Nose owes me five beans. Go get the beans. Go get the beans.

Right you are, boys. I picked me up some fucking gabloosh and a finazi on the way back. Go buy my sister's house and get some ziti as well. Get the fucking ziti. Tell the comms ziti is the best. You fucking ape. You fucking ape. You get the fucking ziti.

I'll never get tired of Mafia chat. No. It's so good. Lewis, you need to educate yourself, motherfucker. Like, that's poor coming from you. Like, read about the hierarchy of the Mafia before the next episode, and we'll quiz you. I think that if I was to hire any ex-cons, right?

You seem to not know shit about according to peeve lax's story sips if i were to hire any fucking ex-con so thinking oh this guy's gonna be a right bruiser right heavy he's gonna be like poof like a cloud of dust as soon as any trouble starts if he's on probation yeah well here's the thing if you hire the like what kind of club do you want if you want the kind of club that's like a hangout for a gang like the like the restaurants in goodfellas where they always go no it's like on the sopranos like the front one yeah the strip club what was that one called again oh god i can't remember the slippery slippery have you ever been in like a mafia front no um i mean yeah probably not knowingly because i i i've definitely like when i was like on a

family holiday definitely walked into like a a really sort of quiet italian down a quiet italian side street this is the kind of thing my parents used to do you know my dad and mom would wander into like a quiet italian side street where there's this sort of little little quite little restaurant and we'd go and we were obviously little kids so you know it was it was all it was all quiet in there and there'd be like one woman in there she'd be like surprised to see us yeah and we'd be like do you serve food she's like yeah i guess just come and sit down you know and you'd end up like eating in someone's felt like someone's living room wise but you know it's like one of these quaint little yeah it's like a club or something that's like a society meeting

place and there's like a bunch of guys sat around another table with like prison tattoos and like dots on their face. Not so much those places because like you never know. But like I think definitely fronts for drugs are places like, you know, those like earthy stores that sell like chimes and like fucking scarves and crystals and stuff that you never you never fucking see anyone in they have to be they don't make any fucking profit i can't see that anyone goes in those stores so like they have to just be there's the person in there knows nobody wants to go into that store because it's too fucking weird and like there's nothing in there to buy really that's of any interest right so what they do is they sit in there and then they just like ring up sales through the cash register and that's how they launder money that's what they do they just like all day long ring up like because they're

just selling rocks for hundreds of pounds exactly so they're like yeah they just go outside the back garden pick up rocks and like occasionally they order in some stock, but, like, barely ever. But, yeah, like, they must just be in there laundering money because, like, you never see anyone go into those places. Well, it must be the same with, like, fine art and stuff like this or arts, these very high... Also, maybe sex shops too, right? You never see anyone going into a sex shop, right?

Well, it's different with the sex shop. Nobody wants to be seen going into one. Maybe the sex shop is the perfect drug thing because it's like, you know, you go into the sex shop well that's it's different with the sex shop nobody wants to be seen going into one maybe the sex shop is the perfect drug thing because it's like you know you go into the sex shop yeah and you buy some drugs and you're all embarrassed because it's a sex shop but but people won't think it's like yeah you step outside and there's a whole bunch of people looking at you like i didn't buy sex stuff i was buying drugs in there like and you just like put a big bag of cocaine wave it around exactly it's the classic way to lie right it's like it's basically is is you know if you're if

you're caught in a lie you should say something embarrassing that's that's not true because people will think oh well he wouldn't have he can't be he can't be buying drugs he's just said he's buying a big deal though you know that's embarrassing enough to admit to that there were there are those companies aren't there that rip people off and if people request a refund they send them the refund but they send it from their other company that's called giant dildos inc and when you take it to the bank you have to cash the check from giant dildos inc uh so people don't that's that's the scam you force people to you embarrass them so greatly that they don't want to see that on their bank statement or take it to the bank cash oh i see you don't want to see on the bank statement yeah yeah it could be even worse than that could be like you know red hot

prison prison yeah they give it a name that's like super embarrassing yeah i have a tiny penis limited consider this okay you're an undercover cop and cop and you're led to a sex shop where the guy that you need to do an undercover arrest on is – he's definitely in there, okay? An undercover arrest? Yes. You're doing an undercover arrest of a guy in a sex shop, okay? But you know you have to get him because this is your big chance. But he's in the sex shop, okay? So you're an undercover cop and you have to like walk into the sex shop, okay?

Your name can be, I don't know, Burt Reynolds. Kaminsky. Kaminsky. There you go. McGarnacle. Your name is Kaminsky and you're going to do this bust. But you have to walk into the sex shop to do it, right? And it's on a really busy high

street and there's like women and children all over the place like you know doing stuff like that and there you are walking into the sex shop right there's two cops mcgonagall and kaminsky no no there's only one it's just you it's just you by yourself you don't have any backup walking you're going solo kaminsky no backup so you have to so you have to do you have to enter the sex shop which takes balls i would say like you don't want anyone to see you doing that really realistically yeah and you're wearing a wire so when you go in and you arrest the guy do you make a big show of it to like when you're on your way out to be like i wasn't going in there to buy sex stuff everybody i'm a cop yeah I was arresting this guy

Like would you make like a big hoo-ha about it And what if you went in there And the guy wasn't even fucking there It was like you know some bogus information You're like ah fuck now I gotta walk out of this sex shop But I suppose the thing is If you're walking out of a sex shop And you don't have a bag

It's probably okay right But then people are just like he's fucking perverted He went in there to look around He didn't even buy anything he went in there he bought a butt plug put the butt plug in and he walked straight out maybe it's in his ass right now he didn't but maybe mcgonigal went in there and he was like oh wow this is not what i expected this sex shop to be like this is really nice there's all sorts of good things in here yeah oh man i could really do with one of those popcorn this is an incredible you know a friend a school friend of mine ran the sex shop in bournemouth it's gone

now sadly but it was at the top of the triangle for any of any of you that know bournemouth you guys don't obviously but that was what he did like after school he um we know we were all sort of university and stuff and we come back from time to school not after school after school had finished classic thing you do after school he went and ran the sex shop those two after school. After school had finished. That's a classic thing you do. After school, he went and ran the sex shop. And then after we'd finished school. Oh, he'd go home and change out of his school uniform into something more appropriate. And then off he went, up to the top of the triangle, to run the sex shop all night long. He was only 13, so he didn't know what he was talking about.

But people went in and... What a hero. Is this any good? I don't know. I'm 13., but people went in. What a hero. Is this any good? I don't know. I'm 13. I'm a virgin. I'm a child. McGonagall, quickly, grab all the butt pucks. Okaminsky, we're here on business. You've got to trap this 13-year-old.

Listen here, you little child. I went into a sex shop once when I was in Amsterdam because there's a lot of them. sex shop once when i was in amsterdam because there's a lot of them and it's it's more it's less frowned upon there right because that like the red light district is the red light district you're just gonna go see it it's fine yeah you just go in and you you browse around and laugh a little and you say like oh my god this is crazy and stuff but like i've never actually been into a sex shop anywhere else and honestly i i don't think i ever would like i would feel so fucking embarrassed doing it like i think they're not for people i think nowadays obviously you can order everything online so this the age of the sex shop is kind of dying out because there's

no embarrassment say if you wanted to order a massive dildo it's just gonna be a thing in a box like who cares right i mean you get something from amazon there's no way you'd know it was a dildo the it doesn't come in a branded box dildos.com it's like bright pink picture of a dude sticking a dildo up his ass on the front buttplugs.co.uk so you need to order sign for this dildo yeah sure yeah that's one every day this week so you've had one of these dildos delivered oh i'm going through them fast mr post man they keep getting lost up there it says here on the contents extra extra large anal beans um could you it's a string of beach balls yeah a string of beach balls but um he's he it was weird i think um with the whole uh sex shop thing like now it'd be like i said online i think it's killed the the top shelf

magazine and sex shop industry at a at a stroke i've noticed that there's not there's no longer top shelves in places like like some places yeah yeah but they're not like everywhere they had that like that like the sensor uh plate thing right like the the sensor the censoring plate i should say on the top rack right like the rest of the the rest of the racks had like that see-through plastic to hold the magazines in and then the top rack had like the like the solid one that you couldn't see through but people would always pick move them down to like the comics shelf just to mess with the kids like we yeah we would move that was like when we were kids that was the big thing that you had to do you had to go into the store and buy like uh try to buy like a playboy or something like that yeah

like everybody got dared to do it everyone had to do it everybody had to like suffer like the humiliation of the guy saying you can't buy this and like laughing at you and stuff i wonder what percentage of customers are going into a shop on a dare probably like 10 10 of all the people that walk in the door are there on a dare to try and buy booze or porn or steal something on a dare it must be boring as shit just watching these people industry is key to our economy in fact it is but they never buy anything that's the damn shame so i went to i remember going on a french school trip right because we were i went to school in essex it's not too far from france so we go on these day trips to france fairly regularly on the old ferry yeah and um i remember one time we were in France.

Obviously, some of the kids had dared each other to go in and buy the dirtiest French magazines they possibly could. That's all of them. They're all dirty. They're all very dirty. They came out with some absolute filth. I remember one of the weirdest ones was women putting candles in, like just up the bum And then lighting the candle.

That was the thing, right? Would they wait for them to burn down? Was it like a challenge thing? Women with lit candles sticking out their bum. That was literally the whole magazine. Is that like candelabra porn? Like, really, really, really into candelabra. It was very specific and weird.

And I remember, like, this magazine magazine had been it was partly because it was quite dirty but partly because it was it got passed around the whole like bus of kids you know um and eventually you know the teacher got it and sort of told that told everyone off kind of thing but it was i don't know i don't know why i remember that now but dirty magazines would definitely think we had we had when we used to have we had lockers obviously in our school um we had this one kind of locker and it was full of copies of the daily sport right it was just like it was like the porn the daily the porn locker right and everyone knew about it and you could get the key to the porn locker and i don't think you know it was just it was just like an

interesting no one was like jacking off to air anything i mean like in school i mean i grew up it was more this i grew up in canada so we had like a cache in the woods we had like a cooler you had to walk out into the woods and find the cooler and it was full of porn. It was great. It would get raided all the time as well. It was ridiculous. Yeah. I think the old porn locker got raided a few times and moved around. Man, that was fucking weird, the shit that you do when you're like a 15-year-old. Yeah, I know.

14-year-old kid. Jesus Christ. I miss being a kid. Not like a little kid but i miss being like about 11 or 12 years old because like man we just didn't give a shit like the fucking dumb shit that we did though as well before the internet i mean i don't think 15 year olds these days have like porn stashes in the in the woods you know it's just not gonna be a thing is it no you know it's never it's it's a forgotten world, you guys.

So it was a wonderful time, romantic, heady, going out, portaging out there in the freezing cold. Do kids still set up a tent in their backyard and have a sleepover in a tent in their backyard? Yeah, they love all that kind of shit. The only reason they do that is so the parents can fucking have sex. Jesus Christ, noisy loud sex while the kids are out of the house for an evening. Right?

Nah. Nah. Right? High five? No. Families? Mums and dads? I know what you're doing when I'm in the...

I was always set out in the fucking tent in the back garden. I spent half my time in the fucking garden. It all becomes so clear. Jesus Christ. I know. It's becomes so clear. Jesus Christ. I know. It's 10 below and Lewis is out camping. Do I have to go out and sleep in the garden again? It's not camping weather out there, Mom and Dad. We're desperate, son. It's fun.

I haven't jammed your mother in months. Dad, the dildo collection arrived this morning. Son, you're going to live in the fucking garden now. Get out. It'll toughen you up, son You don't want to go to prison, do you? Like I did for 30 years For dildos

So listen, we started off this podcast Talking about saying that it was voting day Have you guys voted? We don't need to talk about this for long But did you guys run out first thing in the morning All excited and vote? I was there at about 9am Because I dropped my kids off

at school so i always vote i'm not sure i agree with with like oh let's just talk about politics oh my god it's too stressful we're not going to talk about everyone else yeah let me talk about something else because even us being like best friends we always have things to argue about we're never going to see eye to eye on if i don't think anyone does in politics ever see eye to eye no everyone has their own little opinions and it's too it's too much everyone's very stubborn and set in their ways it's not fun to talk about it's not it's stressful it's so all right so let me tell you something for fuck's sake ted talk i was watching this is about the internet this is salient point we were talking about kids on the internet and everything like that so this is a ted talk about safety for kids on the internet it was a pretty dark talk it was talking about you know all these kind of

groomers and all that kind of shit that goes on the internet but this is this is a this is a more important bit that we don't need to go into that stuff this was about parents letting their kids online and the guy told this story he said that when you like when you get to a certain age as a kid your parents say to you okay you can walk to school by yourself now now here are the rules you you go from here straight to school you don't go anywhere else when you get to the corner you look both ways before you cross the road always cross at the at the junction don't talk to any strangers you just go to school and then on the way back from school you come straight home you don't stop blah blah blah you give them all these rules and everything like that so he said

imagine if instead of doing that the rules were okay you can go to school today off you go and then a month later they say oh yeah don't forget to look both ways before you cross the road and then another month later they're like oh yeah and don't uh forget to only cross at the corner and stuff so it's like instead of giving these kids these rules for how to use the internet and how to be safe up front it's sort of drip fed to them all you shouldn't do that or not at all as time goes on and by then the damage might have already been done so the important thing is to tell them how to use the internet and the problem is a lot of parents have no fucking idea about the internet the internet begins and ends with them at what their friends list is on facebook or and maybe

the yahoo main page or god knows whatever fucking aol fucking main page god only knows or some news websites or maybe some online shopping stuff whereas they don't have any idea what kids are up to online no apparently a big thing now is is kids taking pictures of like their dicks and stuff and sending them to like their girlfriends and shit like that that's what snapchat is so popular isn't it that was not a thing like when i went to school like it was just nobody was coming to school with a polaroid like of their dick to give to their girlfriend or anything like i mean you could they could people could have done it though people could have done it but You would have had to have a mimeograph of your penis or whatever

the ancient photo version would be. You need a microscope to see yours. Is that what you're saying? I thought that was microfiche. Ah, yes. You need one of those little magnifying glasses that you hold up to your eye to check if a diamond is real or not. A jeweller's loop.

Oh, that's quite the penis. Oh, yes, this is really doing it for me. Jersey boy. I mean, I can't imagine when I was younger ever even being remotely interested in taking a picture of my dick or my balls or my tits or my asshole or anything would you have been interested if a lady would have sent you a polaroid picture of her her boobies i'm sure i would have been yeah like i'm not gonna lie like i would probably been like great i now have i now have in my possession

of polaroid of a woman's tits great this is nice but it's all it's been normalized now like um i guess i think i think that the the real i don't want to say groundbreaking because that implies a really good thing but all those celebrity sex tapes that started to come out normalized the idea of sending stuff to people and then obviously all this online dating and stuff like that a lot of the early uh the groundbreakersers, the real pioneers of online dating just cut to the chase and sent people pictures of their dicks. She did it.

Pamela Anderson. She triggered it. Was the first one I remember having a sex tape. Remember, she had sex with Tommy Lee. Tommy Lee on a podcast. What's wrong with Pamela Anderson? No, nothing. I'm just saying that it's just such a product of our time isn't it so she's so ingrained old pami in our psyches man she's she rocked that

bathing suit oh man she was like my number one for the longest time yeah boobies and boobies i guess like fucking kim kardashian is another well. Yeah, but she kind of did it on purpose, as did Paris. Like that was deliberately leaked to sort of add a bit of woo. Aren't they edgy? Aren't they? Yeah. Interesting. They saw how well it worked as a PR stunt for Pammy,

and they were like, I want a bit of that. Pamela Anderson is one of the most American-looking women I think I've ever seen. Like if you look at her, she's just super- the most American-looking women I think I've ever seen. She's just super-duper American-looking. If you look at her in Baywatch, she couldn't be from anywhere else. I think she's Canadian, though. Really? I think she was actually – I think she was born in Canada, yeah. Let's have a look.

Pamela Anderson. She was, like, born in Alberta or something. You're fucking right. Oh, she was born in Ladysmith, British Columbia. Yeah, Ladysmith. The thing is, though – Exactly, where they make women. That's my occupation

i'm a lady that's where they carve them into into beauties yeah it's weird like over here in the uk um i guess like abby titmus was had like a weird sex tape as well and she was who else it's not i was a big fan of abby tit it's not It's not like a super common thing over here, the whole sex tape. The damn shame. Well, look what happened to Abby Titmuss. I mean, she has a great name to be a large-breasted glamour model. She does have. It would be like me being called Ted Dick Smith, you know?

Yeah. You'd know straight away what I was about. Ted Tiny Dick, yeah. Ted Microcon. It's the viewers that have tiny pen Dick, yeah. Ted Microcon. It's the viewers that have tiny penises and the listeners. Microcon. And huge gaping vaginas as well, of course.

That's true. And never the twain shall meet. It's like Jack Spratt and his wife. What's her face? Somebody in Game of Thrones, I think it was. I think she was like a German actress, but I think she'd done like a bunch of porns or something. A bunch of porns. I guess that's Germany's answer to like the home sex tape.

Can you hear me in a way? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. Is a leaking sex tape something that happens a lot in Europe? Because like the only ones I can think of are ones that have come out of america oh five porn stars who appeared in game of thrones there are five oh jessica jensen uh she was a prostitute in many of the illicit game of thrones scenes samantha bentley uh worked so um she uh yeah she was in porn and now she's uh she was in game of thrones well there are aie D the most successful porn actress

to end Game of Thrones I think she was the one that got shot by a crossbow bolt by spoiler alert by that little shit that's right the girlfriend she was quite a famous one anyway let's move on from this or else we're going to get in trouble really? so I moved out of my old flat

oh edgy don't go there, sister. The landlord sold the flat. I had to move. So I moved. I've got a little story from when I was moving out. Oh, this is going to be good. So we were going through the inventory, clearing out everything.

And so basically, you know, because this is the flat with the cockroach and stuff. It's a classic flat. Part of me is like looking forward to getting out of there anyway anyway so but basically i put everything back for because when i moved into that it was full of crap and so i shoved all that into the cupboard and i'm getting all this stuff back out again and there was this big old dirty old carpet in the middle of the lounge and i shoved it under the um washing machine kind of cupboard and i was getting it out and um so he was just like standing there like looking

over my shoulder it was basically like doing the inventory of the house was like having some sort of school kind of exam okay and he was going around checking on all the cleaning he was checking on all the things were still there and he was like examining me basically it was like it was really weird anyway um I unrolled this this carpet um just i just put through because it was rolled up i the carpet i i threw it down to the lounge floor unrolled it and i was like oh my god it looks really weird and then i realized it was covered in bugs it was full oh of black and brown little bugs and they scattered right all over the lounge floor yeah instantly and and they just scattered and and i went ah and he the guy was like ah and so because it was a huge rug

and so they scattered just under under the sofas under the chairs under everything and i was he was like what are we gonna do and i was like oh, I don't know. So I rolled it quickly back up and dragged it out of the flat and I took it down through the lift to the bin. But I noticed that I was covered in little eggs and stuff, little pears, and I was like, oh, my fucking God. So I was like, I just dusted myself and went just into the office and had a normal day and did everything normal. But I was literally just genuinely considering going home i'll go to my new flat like stripping off on the doorstep

putting everything in like a metal bin and then just chucking some light fluid in there and just burning the whole lot because i felt like oh i don't want to contaminate my new flat with that shit yeah so that's a little goodbye present to the people who've moved in nice they don't know whether that's a thing so yeah um that's that's what happened so i've moved into this new place in clifton and i've got a little story of something that happened so first of all i broke up with my personal trainer oh what did you say did he or did he break up with you or did you break up with him well i broke up with him yeah that means he broke up with you or did you break up with him? Well, I broke up with him. Yeah, that means he broke up with you. Keep going. So he basically texted me one morning. We can't see each other anymore.

Because he was off on holiday. And when he came back, I'd moved. And so he texted me at 4 a.m. saying, hey, I just landed in Bristol. I don't know why he texted me. Because I've got this new stupid phone. I don't know how to use it. It obviously was on. But my phone wasn't on silent. So it beeped and it woke me up in the

middle of the night and i was like oh for fuck's sake so i better reply because he said i would you want to go to the gym you know see you at the gym in like four hours and i was like uh it's been awesome to train with you and i've had a great time and learned a lot but can't do this week at all i'm afraid i think we're gonna have to stop training too because i'm moving and won't be able to make it down to harbourside in the mornings okay so i've made my excuse and he's like okay lewis gutted to hear that dude have thoroughly enjoyed training you what this is a lie how can that be true he said fancy meeting up for a coffee at some point to have a chat about it whoa i know god so and i didn't reply to that. So that's where, that's it.

That's the end of our relationship. You didn't reply. It's really weird. It was really uncomfortable to break up. I really feel like I've broken up with someone. You should reply and just be like, oh, yeah, sure. I'll give you a call like in a couple of weeks when I'm settled. And then just never call.

No, just say nothing. Why lie? Just say nothing and they'll get the message. I'm not going to get his hopes up, Sibs, for no reason. That's another human being with feelings. Yeah, but you're advocating lying rather than just ignoring. I think being ignored is preferable to having someone lie to you and then he'll get in contact in a couple of weeks and say,

how about the drink? And you'll be like, oh, this week is busy. How about next week? No, just clean cut. Don't ever contact again. Done. You don't need him as a friend. I make very few people attempt it i'm just like i can see why jesus yeah because i don't fucking lie to him well you've got a whole bunch of quote-unquote friends that you just fib

to sips is that what you're telling me just i keep them close and then when i need to then that's when i execute so um so i've moved to this new place right and um the people who lived in before me had these newborn twins that i think they were a little bit overwhelmed by and so they moved out to a slightly bigger place and um so i'm renting their place so i think they left in a bit of a hurry and also they took a lot of stuff with them that i guess they needed and so i've moved in and it's kind of a bit it was supposed to be a furnished place but it's not really furnished right and as a result it's got it's weird so basically like first of all sometimes when you move into a place there's always instruction manuals for everything right so one of the

things the first things i did was um was try to like just use the the the hob, the hot plate. And it didn't work. And it was weird. It was making weird clicking noises. I was like, what the fuck's going on? And in the back of my mind, I was like, is this an induction hob? Have you ever used an induction hob before? No.

That's why I don't like electric. You have to have these special frying pans, right? It's like a magnetic thing. So it generates this magnetic field. You have to have these special frying pans, right? It's like a magnetic thing, so it generates this magnetic field. You have to have a special pan. And obviously they're quite expensive, and I don't have any, do I? And there's no instructions that even told me that this was a thing. No one told me. And so the house is full of that, right?

I don't know how to open the back door, right? I can't figure it out. I've tried everything. It's got multiple keys. I've stood on a chair. I don't know. I don't know whether a fireplace works. open the back door right i can't figure it out i've tried everything it's got multiple keys i've stood on the chair though like i don't know i don't know whether a fireplace works there's no 4g at all there's no internet there's no phone signal you didn't even go see this place did you you're just like wait wait you texted someone you were like i'll have it and then now you're

screwed did you even look or did you just look at pictures on the internet no i went around and i'd look but i didn't know that there wouldn't be, like, I didn't know that these would be problems. Like, I didn't know that when you move into somewhere new, you don't know that the washing machine is going to be full of mold and other things. You don't, well, yeah. Is there a carpet rolled up in the cupboard full of bugs as well? No, but there are like, I think because they had dogs, I think I've seen a few fleas around. Man, it's freaking me out a little bit. Oh, man.

Why are you wearing a fleece? Whoever you're renting it through, just get them in and say, look, this place is a fucking disaster, mate. Anyway, I've got a story. So anyway, there's a lot of problems with it. For example, there's like, it's not a problem, but I'm going to fix it. It'll be fine. It'll be fine. But one of the main problems is like, this really freaked me out.

I got like an email that said, lewis i'm watching you i've noticed that the garden light has been on for three days would you like and he said like i'm coming i'm going to come around to turn it off for you or something like that and i was like what the fuck maybe he's got like a webcam set up you can't see it and it's like it was from the fucking estate agent, right? The letting agency. So I was like, first of all, I was like, one, how do you know? Two, who told you this?

You know what I mean? And three, why are you even telling me? Like, if I want to leave the fucking garden like that. Are there any properties that overlook the back garden? Well, I guess so. There must be like other flats above. So you've got a back garden in a flat? It's a basement flat.

So it's very dingy. What if the landlord lives in one of the upper flats or something? Well, no, they've moved to Cornwall. So basically. Why did you move into a dingy basement flat? Like, what are you thinking? I don't know. You're not fucking poor like why don't you get like a nice place that has like a fucking view of the river and shit like

i mean no that's what i had before but i got kicked out oh man i felt like i wanted to change i felt like change is good and i want change and i want to mess things around and i shouldn't have done i should have just stayed with the same i should have stuck with what i know like an old man you had it you know what you had a personal trainer what you need is a fucking personal assistant that can sort all this shit out for you yeah you need a fucking life coach more than a physical coach i do i need a fucking pay some old indian dude to follow you around and be like your guru fucking pay me i'll sort you out jesus i i i was like a bit freaked out by this so what i did was i looked through the tenancy agreement right i was like two could play this game right and i found the email address of the landlord and i sent her an email did you say to her

hello i can see you've left the bedroom light on you left a pair of your underpants in the flat i've been sniffing it i've been sniffing them all night long here's a picture of me in your underwear i did write like i hope all the video cameras are working properly do you know what i mean like oh god like but i deleted that in the end and i just sent a normal email to the landlord asking about all of these questions that i had like weird thing and so and they sent a very nice email back this morning reassuring me that it was just um a misunderstanding and it's all fine it wasn't creepy at all and i think you know what if you want to creep someone out i'm thinking of good ways if you wait until wait until the evening when they're when they're probably like watching tv or something Just send them a message saying,

can you change your channel, please? I've already seen this. Something like that. That would imply that there's no way that you could see the TV. They're in bed watching TV and you're like, no, I've already seen this. Change the channel. Just an email from a complete stranger.

You go, oh! That would be my reaction. But, okay, problem one. Who watches fucking channels anymore, P-Flax? Everyone watches Netflix or fucking, I don't know, other shit. No one watches TV channels. You know what other people, you know what another thing people don't do is live in a fucking basement with insects for company.

That's another thing they don't do. You go back to your fucking flea-infested bunker. And most people don't leave their fucking garden light on for three days either. Yeah, go back to the flea bunker, you fucking animal. I'll tell you what the worst thing about it is, is that there's no fucking, they took the headboard on the bed, right? Jesus. And the wall is kind of a little bit dank and cold.

What are you doing? And the pillow keeps like slipping down. I need a new headboard. You need a new house. Get out. Get out of the house. I need a new life. I've actually booked a hotel this weekend. To get out of the flat? Yeah. This is not a good sign. To just be out of the house! I need a new life. I've actually booked a hotel this weekend. To get out of the

flat? This is not a good sign. To just be out of the flat. Jesus Christ. Well, I'm going away for the weekend. You make bad decisions for a smart guy. Well, there's no internet yet. If there was internet, yeah, I would be okay. But there isn't internet, so... So you're going, you're taking, you're having

an internet vacation over the weekend. Well, I made the traditional fucking mistake, though, of signing up to the bane of all of our internet existences, Virgin. Right? I'm calling them out now. Other internet service providers are available. Probably better. Right?

Period. Complained about them all the fucking time on Twitter. Right? I booked the appointment for, like, this week. And they were like, okay, it's booked in, in the morning. And I was like, perfect. You know, I can stay at home.

This is a, you know, we're sorting out other stuff. I'll take this morning off. And they emailed me to say, yes, we will see you at the appointed time, the Thursday afterwards between 1pm and 6pm. And I'm like, what the fuck? I can't take like, I can't take the thursday oh oh my god i'm just super salty oh man that's why you never move yeah well i didn't want to you never move

you know what you need to do you need to buy a place so that you don't have to ever move again and you buy a nice place and you put it just right and there's no problems i mean no there'll be a couple of little bits and pieces but like like for instance we were cooking dinner the other night i was doing my uh no here we go this is a segue we were using the oven okay we were cooking up the kids wanted to have some oven chips okay so we put some oven chips into the oven all right oh this is fascinating and it was like early it was like early too it's like five o'clock we're like fuck this is great like they'll be done like half an hour the kids can eat and then we'll put them to bed early and then maybe for once like actually have an hour in the evening to like not do kid related stuff so sex well maybe anyway so so the chips are in the oven

right and then we were just like playing with the kids and stuff and i looked at my watch it's like fuck it's six o'clock like i can't even smell the chips i go to the oven and like the oven's on and like the light's on and you can hear the fan it's an electric oven but like i looked in and like the fucking the chips were still like they still had like a bit of frost on it was like oh shit what the fuck like an hour what the fuck is going on i open up the oven it's like no heat whatsoever because the fucking element went so i had to get a guy well i could have done it myself but i'm lazy so a guy came out and fucking replaced the element like the your typical fucking ass crack showing oh yeah leaning into the oven replacing the element luckily he had the right element like

he had he had this van and it had like 40 different elements in it it was like you know like when a guy opens his leather jacket he's like hey i'm selling knives like this guy just had like all these like coiled up oven elements it was really good so we so it's fixed now but like you know what i mean it's just little shit like that that you can just about handle but not big shit like no internet or like a fucking damp wall where a headboard used to be and stuff like that you know you don't you don't get shit like that in your own place because you put it like the way that you want it right and then you never move ever again because moving sucks balls yeah it does oh my god well let's let's have sips this cooking segment

if it's got if you've got time. I mean, that was kind of it. If you're hungry and you want to put your kids to bed early, just get an oven tray and put a whole bunch of frozen oven chips on that motherfucker. 200 degrees on your oven and then bam, you're good. 200 degrees? That's very hot. I can give you a little recipe if you like.

Let's hear it, go on. This is for a good Thai curry. You need some shallots. Don't use a big onion, use shallots, it's much better. Cut them up real fine, dice them up really, really fine. Set those frying nice and gently, you don't want to brown them. While they're going, you're going to chop some chicken up. You could use something else, sips, I don't know, beans or whatever.

And then you're going to seal the chicken. So you fry it just so it browns on the outside. Not too brown, just sort of, you know, just color it on the outside. Then you're going to add your Thai curry paste, which you can get it from like a supermarket. So you can get it from one of those Chinese supermarkets. Just a couple of teaspoons of that. Get that frying, get all that flavor soaking into the chicken while it's cooking. Then you can add some kaffir lime leaves,

whack those in, and then you add coconut milk, like a big old whole can of coconut milk. Whack that in there, get it all mixing around. Get it, get it all mixing around, get it bubbling nice and juicy. Then I add bamboo shoots and you know the ones it looks like a piece of cardboard. It's like a little rectangle of bamboo. Not a bean sprout but like the bamboo shoots like that. Yeah. Yeah those, whack those in there and you set it chilling for like 10, 15 minutes.

And then you get your Thai rice, your hom ma li Thai rice, okay? Now, the key to cooking this is not too much water. So what you do is you rinse the rice just under the cold tap because it's better wet. Whack it in a pan. And let's say I have one mug of rice. However much I've put of rice, I put one and a half times of water. You can add a little bit more water if you get afraid. But it gets really nice and fluffy. And then you get it simmering,

and the moment it starts any kind of bubbles, you turn the heat down as low as it'll go on the smallest burn you've got on the hob. Put a piece of kitchen paper over the top of the pan and whack a lid on it to seal in the steam, and you give it 10 minutes, almost 10 minutes exactly. You won't even need to drain it.'ll be bone dry nice and fluffy white rice enjoy wow there you go go enjoy yourselves enjoy your lunch yeah thank you for listening to travels

podcast this week with me sips and proof facts hello we'll see you next time and goodbye goodbye And goodbye. Goodbye. Bye. Goodbye. Bye.