Trillbilly Worker's Party - Episode 26: The Tale of Tiddy Roosevelt, America's First Woman President

Episode Date: September 22, 2017

The gang travels to Bristol for a music festival. On the way there, Tanya unveils her magnum opus about Tiddy Roosevelt, America's first female president. Other items: Thrillbillies, kittens, and stealing Texas valor.

but yeah she was out in the hall jib jabbering around going on and uh i could tell alex didn't even know what the fuck she was talking about and so finally i come out because there ain't no mmt staff here and she says i need that album that they made about cowing hands for hands for she just kept yelling hands for and so i got her in here on the computer, and I was like, well, let's look through the thing. We'll search hands for. You mean for like F-O-R or for like F-O-U-R? She said for like hands for, but I said I don't know what the fuck she was talking about. So I searched it off.

So she said like hands for, and then she flashed that. So you mean like hands F-O-R, like hands used for something? Yeah, I literally still did not know. Or for like what you yell when you get ready to hit a golf ball at somebody? Yeah, I had no idea. And so I just, I was like, I really don't. And she's like, Apple Shop made it. And I'm like, Apple Shop has created

thousands of shit. A lot of things. What am I supposed to, god damn, break me some slack here, Zelma. And so finally, Sister Zelma. Finally, so nothing was turning up. Finally, I just searched hands. And finally it come up, something about cowing. And it was called All Hands Join. There wasn't nothing for or about it.

I never did figure out which for she was talking about. Oh, God damn. Anywho. I should have known I couldn't eat peanut butter and talk. We had us a big weekend this weekend. Yeah, we did. What was your favorite part? I think, to look back on it now,

I had Ray Wiley Hubbard's Snake Farm as a song that I always heard in the honky-tonks, but I'd never heard Ray Wiley Hubbard play live, but I'd not heard Ray Wiley Hubbard play live, but I'd not heard him play that song live, but it was like a staple of George Moulton's Real American Honky Tonk in Moorhead, Kentucky. Oh, wow. And he played it live not once, but twice.

He did an encore of it. And me and Alex from Alkaloid, I said, nah, God, we got to go back. Oh, my God. So it was fortuitous. I've never even heard of him. Oh, right, well. Hey, friends. But I did catch some of his set.

Hey, there. Hello. Terrence Ray, the cat's meow. If you're wondering why he's late, it's because he's nursing a sick kitten with a lazy eye back to health. Yeah, it has a lazy eye. It looks real fucking nice. Oh, really? You weren't going to tell me that in the message trying to get me to take it, was you?

You were going to say, look at this cute cat. What's wrong with the lazy eye? Yeah, really. That is the lazy eye. You're like one of those people that shops for fruit, and when they see a fucked up fruit, they're like, no. It's like that fruit's somehow less nourished. I think that's a funny social justice cause. Buy ugly fruit.

Turn these headphones in just a smidge. Oh, I don't even have mine on. My shit's already buzzing from the weekend. Your head's buzzing? I've had tinnitus for three days. Oh my god. Well, what's the verdict on the cat? Somebody going to take it?

You going to make it an office cat? Well, I'd like to make it an office cat because I think that would be pretty hilarious. You know, the only thing a sitcom about a not-for-profit legal firm is missing is an office cat. missing is an office cat. We need an office cat. And hilarity ensues when you get a minor with a black lung in there.

It's also allergic to cats. Yeah. He dies, and then you're trying to cover it up. Oh, wow. So, yeah, no, I haven't found anybody to take the cat yet, but I'm still holding out hope. Plenty of people like cats, right? Am I right?

Yeah, and I considered it today when you sent it to me. You did. You considered it. I did consider it for a moment. You need a good cat, Tanya. Listen, ever since I have lived on my own, all my friends keep saying I need a pet, but I just... Me and my plants are fine. Well, here's the thing.

Also, I have like 20 plants. Don't cats hate plants? No, they love plants. They love them. I mean, don't plants hate cats is what I meant. I mean, they're poisonous for some cats, but cats... We haven't pulled the plant community on this yet. Don't they tear up plants?

No. We haven't pulled the plant community on this yet. Don't they tear up plants? No. I mean, they'll piss in the bowl sometimes and fry the root system. Some plants are actually poisonous for your cats. I just feel like getting a cat is more than just owning a cat. It sets me on a trajectory that I'm not fully comfortable with.

You know what this is called? It's called committophobia. It's called being afraid of commitments. And a cat is literally the perfect pet for a committophobe. It's the lowest maintenance commitment you'll ever make. Not lower than my plants? I water them once every two weeks. Once a morning, you scoop its poop once every three days. That's it. I would say for

the benefits you receive in return, it's way more low maintenance for plants. Because plants don't interact with you in the way that cats do. But honestly, some cats require even less maintenance than some plants.

Yeah, that's true. Plants are very fussy for inanimate objects, which aren't really inanimate, I guess. I guess they're all living. But you know what I'm saying. They don't do anything. They just hang out there. That's true. I don't know.

Something else being relying on me for life is a lot of pressure. And, okay, my friend from college from college divina we have a mutual friend i was telling tom and the last time i asked about how our mutual friend was doing she said oh you know she's good she she says she wants to find a man and like she wants to be dating but she just keeps getting more cats so i'm not really sure what her plan is from all the vitriol of her juice spew against men And just dating in general That sounds like a good thing Like why would you not want that

Yeah I'll just get more cats and never find Love No that's the secret to being You might be dodging a bullet there What she should be doing is dating women Probably Nothing says you can't date women While also having cats i know yeah

they're not mutually exclusive they're not mutually exclusive yes i finally used that right i've always never really i've always been the same way because i'm like trying to picture it in my head i'm like do these two things overlap i'll say that and celebrate that. Somebody's going to be like, actually, you didn't. You misused that. Y'all are walking around with Venn diagrams in your head. Oh, yeah, many kinds of diagrams.

At all times, I have some sort of diagram going on. Anyways. I travel too much for a cat. You have to admit that. I'm gone every weekend. You travel too much for a dog. That's true. If you I'm gone every weekend. You travel too much for a dog. That's true. If you stay gone a week, your cat will be alive when you get home.

Really? They can survive a week? Yes. Especially if it's an outside cat. That's what I would need. I would need an indoor-outdoor situation, and I have a fenced-in yard. I do have a fenced-in yard. But how do I make a cat door or something?

Cat don't give a fuck about your fenced-in yard. It can hop right over there. Oh, really? Cats don't abide by the same laws that we are. Oh God, that four foot fence, so daunting. Cats are well versed in property rights. They observe boundaries. That's true.

Before they cross over they pull out a deed map. Yeah. Texas cats won't go into mexico because like you know they get their proper immigration papers right yeah i was stupid enough to think that i could leave a bag of trash out on my porch because of my fenced in yard and uh possum got on it got in it tore it up oh yeah oh yeah my fenced in yard was a Yeah, that possum or raccoon, whatever it was, laughed at your fence. Yeah, one morning there was raccoon footprints all over my car. Like, it danced all over my car.

Fuck your car. Get this car out of here. It just went and purposely got in the mud and danced on your car hood out of spite. Yeah. Oh, God. It's better than walking out and finding a bear dancing on your car hood out of spite. It's better than walking out and finding a bear dancing on your car. That would do some damage. Or, I mean,

when a bear comes through their window, I couldn't. Can you imagine being invaded by a full-on ass black bear? I can imagine it, but I don't want it to experience it. I don't want to be on the business end of that. Yeah, the first time that happened at their house,

it's been a few years ago, I was helping house sit for them that following weekend, and Kentucky Wildlife and whatever had brought up a bear trap. And when I tell you that thing may not have fit in this room, it was enormous. Yeah, you need a big trap to catch a big bear. That's an old

proverb. Yeah, an old Indian proverb. An old proverb that I learned. It was terrifying. It was like a big storage unit. They had just dropped off. Well, so cats are way less

maintenance than bears. Especially ever since the passage of the Affordable Bear Act. God, if we had to prop up them sons of bitches. All they do is take, take, take. That was one of the best bits we ever did. The Affordable Bear Act. I don't remember that. We ever get you on the Affordable Bear Act?

Remember a couple summers ago when the bears kept coming down from Town Hill into Whitesburg and eating trash? Right. And we were like ever since the past. Because we gave them the Affordable Bear Act. The Affordable Bear Act. Because their unemployment was nearing 100%. Yeah.

We started giving them handouts, and they started coming into town to vote for their handouts. Because that's what happens when you give people handouts. Give them an inch, they'll take a mile, those bears. That'd be funny. I wish you could converse with a bear. I could just imagine because they look all mopey and dopey.

You just walk out your house one morning and there's a bear just drinking malt liquor out of a brown paper bag. You alright there, pal? I think we said in the last episode that we are bears. We're three bears. Yeah, I was about to say. This has come full circle.

That's a funny point, though. I was just thinking about that right-winger talking point you always hear. When you start giving them things and they vote for, you know, the argument during 2012 was that like people are just voting for obama because he gave him health care and all this other shit and like that was the one like that was yeah that was the like the one time that the republicans were right about that and like the democrats totally missed it so they're like well god we gotta like pull it back a little bit make it it imperfect so that all the other guys will have a chance.

What the fuck? I don't want to win without stiff competition. Fair game here. Republicans are like, oh my God, they really fucking have a problem. They're really falling for this shit? Today in an email I sent, I used the words, centrist and leftist alike. That's a big tent.

Send them down a barge. Centrist and leftist alike. Yeah, someone's probably going to respond and say, I'm not sure what you mean by this. Because the centrists are all convinced they're leftists. Yeah. And I almost put, I almost added a sentence. I typed out the sentence, Hillary herself just threw us under the bus in her book, and I deleted it.

Because I was like, man, I'm not going to stick my stick in that hornet's nest. Some centrists, if they're self-hating, or I'm sorry, some leftists, if they're self-hating, think that they're a centrist. Sometimes I do that. You ever just sit around being like, oh my God, am I actually a liberal? Oh my God. Me too.

Sources of your anxiety. It's just bizarre. Am I going soft? Am I going soft? Oh, wow. I used to think that a little bit, Bizarre Am I going soft? Am I going soft? Oh wow I used to think that a little bit Cause it's like You know you see Obama on TV

You like wanna like him A little bit Even though he's not for us You know what I mean? He's with Michelle What's that? He's with Michelle I mean like

Figuratively or Like I mean you see Michelle makes me want to believe Oh okay I see what you're saying Want to invest You have the same experience with Michelle

I like Michelle too As like you know surface level I see what you're saying Like you Like It's hard to reconcile this like seemingly nice, caring guy as a war criminal and

a guy that's making buku money. I'd give him all three speeches right now. Yeah. In the beginning, his biggest real skeleton was that he smoked. I was about to say, he did cocaine once when he was in college.

He even smoked cigarettes. He's soable it does it feels like with every president it gets a little like you remember like bill clinton was like i only i didn't inhale i only smoked and then like with what was the george bush it was like i i smoked a little bit and I inhaled and with Obama he was like I did cocaine with Trump it's like I raped a child and he's like on prednisone yeah I was gonna go with that and then that means the next president will it's just gonna get more crazier and crazier I did a little bit of meth in my college days I spent a couple years taking it across the border I

was hooked on smack for 13 years look at what track marks you ever heard of a little thing called horse we need a president that's a degenerate gambler. Just an unrepentant gambler. I think that

might be. Whenever Charles Barkley finally decides to run on the Republican team. That's probably the last person you want to have with the nuclear codes. A gambler. A heroin addict would be like, nah, I'm just gonna go to sleep.

Coke head, I don't know, coke head would be dangerous, but a gambler. What's the worst that could happen? Right, right. Well, so, where were y'all talking about when I came in? We were talking about you. Oh, you were talking about me and the cat?

No. We were talking about Bristol. Oh, yeah're talking about me and the cat? No. I was trying to make you paranoid. We're talking about Bristol. Oh, yeah. I was going to ask you about that. We're doing Bristol recap. So let's do a little bit of a recap at the Bristol Rhythm and Rhythm Festival. I kind of want like, I know we have to add this in post-production, but when we start, I kind of want like some kind of intro.

Yeah. I want some music to come up. Okay. Yeah. Um, well, I think the best band I saw that I didn't know about before was Lily May. Oh,

yes. Yeah. It was good. I, I think I saw them. And then my immediate thought was like, Oh, we should get them for apple shop ball that'd be baller as hell and then i looked her up some more and just she's like she's signed jack white yeah she's been on tour with jack funny me yeah you just thought she's some bristol local girl doing good

well she like it was like her and her brother and her sister and so they grew up in a family band. I was like, oh, this is true. This is cute. I'll just get the siblings. I'm always wary of kids that grow up in family bands because they all think they're stars because they've never been told they're not stars. That's true. I will say, I hate to put this girl

on blast because she was really beautiful and I'm sure she's wonderful. They played an hour set. Her sister, which was named Grace, they played an hour set. She smoked two cigarettes. Lily Mae? I saw her. Lily Mae's sister, Grace. Her whole band was blowing them down up there.

Oh yeah. Blast and Cigs. I have never seen artists play chain smoke on stage. And when Lily Mae... You ever watch Guns N' Roses concert? No, no, I guess not. does chain smoke on stage and they definitely was and when lily may ever watched guns and roses concert no no it's not well i meant live but when uh when lily may went around and introduced them all she saved her sister for last she started on the other side with her brother and then went around the drummer and the keyboard guy or whatever the fuck what else was going on over

there and then went as soon as she got to her sister she pulled around a cigarette and lit it as she was saying her name and i was like this is the most like branding situation i can fathom on stage marlboro reds like i care so little about this how do you know it wasn't a joint? I hope it was. My God. It'd be healthier for us. Smoking the lab. What's so funny about smoking the cigarettes is that's one of the three things these limp dick presenters kept saying.

Oh, yeah. Have fun. Yeah, you're right. Don't smoke. I was just like. I forgot about that. What presenters? Like all the MCs.

Oh, on the stages. Yeah. They were telling people not to smoke. Yeah. It's like really made them just going harder just to buckle. Yeah. I know. And all the signs said, thank you for not smoking or vaping, which I was into.

And I wanted so bad to catch a picture of you vaping near one of those signs. I wasn't vaping. I was only on edibles. They told me no smoking or vaping. Whatever I saw you with a vape out. You're out there vaping sure as hell. Good boy. Good boys don't vape

when they're told not to. So I was going to go somewhere with that. I don't remember where it was. Anyways. I know where I want to go. Okay. I want to know what your big birthday plans are for next week. I don't want to go there. Okay. I want to know what your big birthday plans are for next week.

I don't want to go there. Let's go back to Bristol Rhythm and Roots. Let's go back to- Hey, there is no plan. I want to know what you want for your birthday, and if you're going to donate your birthday to a cause on Facebook. Let's go- Stick a pin in that.

Stick a pin in that. I want to- We're just talking a little bit about Bristol Rhythm and Roots right now. All right. So I was a little shocked at the amount of old people there. Have you never been before? I was there like four years ago. Is there usually that many?

Yeah, I was there three or four years ago. It's always very generational. It probably has its roots in sort of an older crowd. And it's starting to become younger and younger a little bit. It was overwhelmingly old

and overwhelmingly white. Oh yeah, it was a very white festival. I saw a lot of... Imagine that. Bristol Rhythm and Roots. I saw a lot of Life is Good shirts

Salt Life A lot of fanny packs I saw a Salt Life, that's true too A lot of fanny packs A Salt Life? Yeah, you know Like a Salt Life for the alt-right It was pretty funny

There was Some really good moments, one of which Tom made up a traveling act for us. We're going to be, if we take our show on the road, we're going to be the Thrillbillies. We're going to do stunts. Evil Knievel type. You're going to shoot like a cannonball into my stomach.

Oh my God. No. It seems like this would look a lot like what I know to be. I would just die the first time we've gone. That's the show, folks. Thanks for coming out. My question about those. Donate to our Patreons.

This sounds like the Hillbilly Olympics. We could pay for Tom's funeral. Now we got split it two ways. You know what I've always found interesting about those daredevil type people? Is how do you train for something death defying? Like the people that jump into high dives into like kiddie pools that are like 5 inches deep how do you train for that without killing yourself um

that's true and like nobody sees it yeah what if you nail it every time in rehearsal and then during the actual run you just you fucking blow into you know a million fireballs well you can simulate things.

Like the kiddie pool example. Like with a video game? No. Although, maybe. I don't know how you can consider that. It's all VR, man. It's all VR. No, with the kiddie pool example, you could put a net or something however deep in a deep pool.

Oh, yeah. And dive and make sure. Like if you, you you know camera footage a bunch of those little foam objects yeah if you don't you just got to make sure you don't touch them right i don't know how that works do people dive into kiddie pools this is news to me actually well you know like the the old like carnival act where the guy jumps off the high dive until like yeah a foot of water or something right like what i'm. What I'm saying is it's kind of like the Wright Brothers

when they were flying. Yeah. Like, if, okay, when they first took flight and it worked, wouldn't they also have had to crash

several planes to get to that point? Yeah, it is kind of. And why did they not die during that process? Do you think the Wright Brothers were actually the first people to fly? I doubt it.

Or were the first people to fly dead and couldn't tell about it? Because they took off and couldn't land. That seems more likely to me, you know? There was no black box on the planes in those days. What if the black box technology is magic and that's why it never gets destroyed when a plane crashes?

So we've had the technology forever, but they were on old planes. That's right, brother. I just wonder about that. That's a good question. I don't know, man. Yeah, I think that they have nets and trampolines and stuff

and foam pits and stuff that you can fall into, but I don't know how you would do it over the Grand Canyon unless you filled the entire Grand Canyon with foam bits. We need $14 million worth of foam bits. I don't even know if this goes around. Foam objects that... Yeah, I know what you mean. They're little crunchy things.

They fall into packing peanuts. Yeah, packing peanuts. Packing peanuts. Can we phone a friend here? That's what it is, packing peanuts. So the Thrillbillies, look for us. We'll be performing at fairs and rodeos all across this great nation in 2018.

I think it will be pretty fun. Yeah, I would like to, if you get to take a cannon, I want to swallow a sword that's on fire. You should be blasted out of a cannon. You could be blasted.

I'll just grow a beard and be the bearded lady. We'll all just die the first go around it. Well, she gets to live. You don't die from growing a beard. That's true.

What were some other old-timey acts back then in carnivals? There was always something with the elephants. Or am I getting that mixed up with something else? Aren't elephants always a part of carnivals in some way they do like tricks they like balance 18 elephants and what have I told you about my circus scare when I was a kid

I went to a circus in Pineville when I was a kid when I was really young because I wanted to ride the elephant like after the show you could do little elephant rides around the park and a fight broke out and scared the elephants and like chaos ensued oh shit these dudes are stampede not exactly but these do one of the elephants did run out i don't know what happened when it got out but the other two just like started screaming in there and it

was just like deafening it was fucking nuts or they're like blowing out their noses or whatever the fuck i was really little but my mom took me and these guys right up behind us got in a fucking fist fight in the stands in a literal tent damn that's badass and they were like rolling down that's a fucking elephant's like stepping on people killing all these that's one of that could have stormed people that is one of those things like the renaissance painting just the image that you just described men fighting and elephants tumbling around elephants storming but I was big enough to walk I was like 4 or 5 maybe 6

and my mom picked me up I was like a chubby kid obviously I was not often picked up and my mom picked me up and like stormed out of the circus with me I remember just being like what the fuck I want to ride the elephant. She was like, uh-uh, not today.

Elephants are fucked. I mean, carnival, or circuses are fucked up. Yeah, circuses are fucked. We got well. No, it's a carnival. What? You like the carnival?

You put a carnival to the circus? Is the carnival like... Like what we got going on over here now? Like these sketchy-ass rides? I do love to catch up with the carny. I was actually going to say that. Is that a derogatory term?

Can you say carny? It's just short for carnival shit. I don't know. My Uncle Don, I can actually answer this one. My Uncle Don was a carny. They don't take offense to it. My Uncle Don has also got a great they don't take offense to it. But my Uncle Don has also got a great story

about being in the carnival. He was also a member of the Pagans Motorcycle Club. Oh, hell yeah. Pagans were like some bad dudes. They still are some kind of bad dudes. And he said in those days, before they were the Pagans, they were called the Cherokee Indians.

Did someone make them change their logo? Well, no, no, no, no. The Pagans Motorcycle Club was so woke. That won't do, man. You're right. This is terrible. Basically, they started as the Cherokee Indians, and they dissolved into the Pagans,

because the Pagans were the bigger club, and they would dissolve all the smaller clubs. But to get into the Cherokee Indians and they dissolved into the Pagans because the Pagans were the bigger club and they would dissolve all the smaller clubs. But to get into the Cherokee Indians, which paved the way to join the Pagans, a quasi-criminal organization,

you had to stand in the operator's box on the, not the tilt whore, what's the one that spins around like real crazy? The scrambler.

Scramble. You had to stand in the operating box with the scrambler operating and jump into one of the booths and he said he did and it smacked him

and broke his ribs and his jaw oh my god damn Jesus Christ but he said the club anyway was pretty pathetic

in those days because he said it's basically seven carnies sharing a 47 pan head. Like taking turns riding it. I want to be a part of that. I talked to one of them today.

She was walking back to the library at the same time that I was. And I was like, how's it going? She's like, well, I'm tired. And she goes, I just love the carnival. It's the happiest time in the world, but you're miserable.

That's what she told me. Oh my God. I was just like, wow. I bet it'd be like going on tour in a rock and roll band except the tour never ended. Was that totally unprovoked? Were we all in conversation

or that was just her like, hey guy, I love the carnival. No, I was just, I was, she was like, I'm, she goes, I'm tired. And I said, yeah, it's hot out. And she goes, oh, well, you know, just working over at the carnival. I love the carnival.

It's the happiest time in the world, but you're miserable. Oh my god. Woo. Do carnies have a union? Is there like a union for amusement workers? We should organize the fucking carnies. Let's organize the carnies. They're probably the least unionized.

Unless they're the dark carnival. They're very organized right now. Is there an opposite of a dark carnival? Well, dark carnival is like standing for Juggalos. Why do you look at me like I'm a goddamn Juggalo expert? I was just mansplaining. Because you acted like you were a Juggalo expert.

On that one episode. A Juggalo. I tried to convince you that hatchet men were terrible. Turns out you were right about their class analysis. But that does not change the fact that they are literal rapists. They sing about rape. That's not

the same thing as a literal rapist. Artistic license, Tanya. I'm not gonna go so far as to defend that, but I will say that talking about rape is not the same thing as being a literal rapist. Being a literal rapist means being a literal rapist. But I see your point because to some

fragile minds that may be you're right. ICP does have a lot of rape lyrics. I don't know. I've never listened to their lyrics. Cool guy over here. Never listened to ICP. He claimed this on the last episode too. I'm starting to doubt it. So that I don't listen to their

lyrics? That you didn't have a Juggalo face. A mutual friend of ours? That you didn't have a Juggalo face. A mutual friend of ours admitted one time she went to a Juggalo show in face paint. The Gathering of the Juggalos? No, a show.

That's the big show is the Gathering of the... We should go to the Gathering of the Juggalos next year. Why are we back on this? Onside. Why would we do that? It would be so fucking baller.

No, it wouldn't. I'm not going. Y'all have fun. Let me tell you. Knock yourselves out. I'm going to go ahead and confess something. No, I don't want to. I was a teenage juggalo.

I'm not going to call that. I went corning, which for the uninitiated, in some regions they call it devil's night, where you go play pranks I went corny one night in full shaggy too dope face prank I wasn't a teenager

I was like 12 or 11 that's their target audience they like to play it off like they're all, because they're like old men at this point. They're in their fucking 40s. But their audience are 12-year-olds.

I'd say their audience is a pretty wide age range. I've seen like 40-year-old juggalos. I know, me too. When do you age out of juggalos? I don't think you do. Oh, that's a slippery slope. Even I think he themselves are probably in their 50 slope. What's the oldest juggalo? Even I think he themselves are probably in their 50s. What's the oldest juggalo?

Like, you know how, like, Beyonce is the oldest millennial? What? 34, 35, you've heard this? Like, the oldest millennial is Beyonce. Juggalos are timeless. Juggalos are timeless. I mean, Mark Twain could have been a juggalo. I thought we determined that Jesus was the oldest millennial.

Jesus was a Juggalo. Yeah, it's true. I guess. Oh, for God's sake. Revisionist history. Okay, what historical figures would have most likely been Juggalos? Oh, fuck. Augustus Caesar. Caesar was definitely a Juggalo.

E2 Brute. Oh, yeah. Just bleeding out. Trying to think. We were talking about historical figures this weekend. Oh, wow. What do you think ICP's getting for a show right now? I bet it's fucking unreal. I bet it's for a show right now I bet it's fucking unreal

I bet it's a lot yeah I bet it's like Beyonce six figures what came of their clash with the Nazis

or whatever the fuck they were hopping I don't know I was at Bristol Rhythm and Roots and I haven't had oh was it this weekend wasn't it

I think it was I don't know I haven't had Twitter for a week now it's pretty nice oh yeah how's that going it's been pretty badass.

But all that to say, it's been interesting because I've had to find a new way to get news. You know, I didn't know about, for example, I had no idea that shit was going on in Georgia Tech and St. Louis and all this. I had no idea. Because you weren't on Twitter? Because I wasn't on Twitter. It was pretty crazy. And then I was like, maybe I'll get some push alerts.

Y'all ever got some push alerts, some push notifications? I always decline them. Well, if you don't have Twitter, I guess so. I guess that's the only way I know what are your news sources. I don't know how to set that up. Washington Post. Yeah, InfoWars and Washington Post.

Just the Juggalo Report. Yeah. Back to Rhythm and Roots, though. Tom saw me still Texas Valor. Oh, God, man, this was so good. Tom witnessed me in real time still Texas Valor. Oh, you told me about this. He pulled out his Texas driver's license

and showed it to the guy at the beer garden. And the guy goes, he goes, oh man, Texas, you weren't in one of the places affected, were you? And Terrence goes, no, I'm from Lubbock. Which is where you were born and spent a little time. Well, Tom, it was funny because I got the sympathy without having actually. What I told him would have been funny is if he would have just kind of looked real forlorn.

Looked off into the distance. Lost a lot of good people down there. Oh, God. That's terrible. Or just said, I don't want to talk about it. Just looked off into the distance. Or just didn't answer. Just didn't answer.

Hey, there's some places I can't go, man. Oh, my God. What's the greatest amount of rain you've ever received in 24 hours? Yeah, pal. Top 54 inches. Oh, my God. Maybe that's too soon. I'm sure of it.

Oh. Let's see. Let's see. Okay. All right. There were some other things that I needed to get off my chest about the weekend. Let's see. We covered the thrill billies.

We covered stealing Texas valor. Tell me a little bit about your experiences. You got any good stories like that? I had a very whimsical weekend. I walked around a lot and did a lot of people watching. Yeah, I did too. I was with a girl gang the whole time. Oh, yeah. We were like running deep.

And we had a very odd long conversation about neck tattoos because we saw a few. Oh, yeah? What did you come to any profound conclusions about? Well, we were kind of split. The group was split about how sexy they were. Okay.

That's where this went. Quickly. What was the consensus? Actually, just what was my girlfriend's take on that? I don't know who I gotta start side-eyeing. Maybe you should get a neck tattoo. Let's do it. Let's see if we're looking at you with lust in our eyes.

Oh, God. I hope not. There was no consensus, turns out. We were split on it. But some people thought it was really hot. Seems like it would depend

a little bit about where and what it was. And the whole rest of the package. I mean, you can't just zoom in on a neck tattoo and be like, hey, hey. Like, it was, anyway. That could be someone's fetish. Or you think, oh, man, that's kind of hot and you get necktact and be like, hey, hey.

Anyway. That could be someone's fetish. Oh, man, that's kind of hot, and you get up close, and it's a hatchet, man. But we kind of ended up spiraling into what does it indicate about a person, and maybe what does it indicate about their sexual prowess, because this is where every conversation I have goes, actually. To me, it says either independently wealthy or... That's what most of us are like, how do you work? Like, will you never work?

You're either a tattoo artist. Or somebody that... Or you don't work again. Yeah, you're either a tattoo artist, you're independently wealthy, or you don't know how to balance a checkbook. What? Or possibly live with your... Okay, but what does it say about how you like to fuck? No, showing your ass too much.

You're overcompensating. Does any... Yeah, I don't know. I can't make any indictments on that. I can't make any indictments on the neck tattoo community. Probably for the best. I wanted to ask,

how do you get independently wealthy? I just wanted to get that. You're born into it. You're born into it. All wealth is generational. Or be like an entertainer. What about if you, I feel like IT guys can have neck tattoos.

You know what I mean? Like software engineers. Oh, like you think Silicon Valley is full of neck tattoos? Maybe not those, but maybe the more rougher edge of that crowd. Like, you know, I do hacking sometimes, and I also fix computers. Yeah. If you're like a Ukrainian hacker, you can probably pull off a neck tattoo. Yeah.

And like big gauge earrings earrings like large gauge earrings like i feel like i see those guys fixing computers a lot of times and i've always been like oh that makes sense i mean yeah i've dated a couple yeah it's a very it's a skill not a lot of people have therefore you can kind of be your own boss unless you got to work for the geek squad then you can't. Therefore, you can kind of be your own boss. Unless you gotta work for the geek squad. Yeah, you gotta wear a tie. Then you can't wear it. Then you gotta cover up the neck tattoo. Well, we kind of wondered

into the territory of wondering if, like, enjoying pain around your neck means that you like to be choked. Interesting. Interesting. Maybe you're trying to project that you like to be choked. Interesting, interesting. Maybe you're trying to project that you like autoerotic and asphyxiation.

Asphyxiation. Asphyxiation. Choking, a lot like tattoos, has found its way into the mainstream now. Well, it's kind of like you were saying. Choking's not that outlandish. Yeah, it's like you were saying. It's hard to be a freak these days.

It's hard to be a freak these days. It's like the tattoo thing. It's hard to be a freak these days. It's hard to be a freak these days. It's like the tattoo thing. It used to be the case that only real degenerate sociopaths and outcasts got tattoos. Now I feel like you kind of have to have one. Right. Yeah, like your uncle's cherries on his arm. You knew that meant something. I have an uncle with cherries tattooed on his arm.

The aforementioned Uncle Don's got a naked woman right here, and it says pussy. Oh, wow. But he puts a Band-Aid on it. He got saved. He puts a Band-Aid over it when he comes to church. Every day? Yeah, I swear. You look at his farm, it's got...

That's cool. But it was like one of those guitar string tattoos he got in Detroit. Oh, that sounds brutal. Yeah. He's got all kinds, though. A guitar string tattoo. My God. He's got his kn, though. A guitar string tattoo. My God. He's got, like, his knuckles are all tatted up with shit.

I guess he just never thought he was going to be a thing but a factory worker in Detroit. Turns out. Another thing you can do with tattoos. Yeah. Neck tattoos. Well, back in the day when they had factory jobs. Back when that was a thing. I didn't mean that, like, all he was going to be was a factory worker.

I just mean that's a job where you could have tattoos. It doesn't fucking matter. Right, right, right. A mechanic. A mechanic. Like a lot of manual labor shit you can. You can get away with it. Right, right, right.

I feel like they get bitchy about working with the public though. Yeah. Bosses are bitchy. Like being customer service of any kind. Unless you're like, oh, you could do a telemarketer. You could be like a call center. You could work on a podcast. Work on a podcast.

Go into radio. Go into radio. Turns out there's all kinds of things you could do with a neck tattoo. Well, and in 2017, you can about do anything. Yeah. Maybe not run for president.

No, there will be a neck tattoo president at some point. I'm going to write that dystopian. If there hasn't already. A minute ago you said to have a neck tattoo you have to be independently wealthy or

maybe they just have a hard time balancing their checkbook. And I was thinking about that. I mean like, you know, just like kind of irresponsible person. We are was thinking about that. No, I mean like, you know, just like kind of irresponsible person. Right. Well. We are throwing so much shade. No.

That's not, I don't mean that. If you want to get a neck tattoo, get a fucking neck tattoo. No, no, no. I wasn't going anywhere with that at all. What I was going to segue into is when I was a kid, balancing the checkbook

was like a fucking traumatic event. Like every time it happened, my parents got in a huge fight. You know what I mean? Like back in the day, balancing checkbooks was a fucking affair for like a lot of families. But now this is one of those instances where technology has actually helped us a little bit. Now it's all in the fucking computer.

You don't have to balance your checkbook anymore. They take a photo of your check when you put it in. You know, you don't have to. I bet that cut down on a lot of fights. Yeah, financial technology, it made a lot of people rich. And really all it did was give banks an excuse to close their brick and mortar, so. Right, right.

I'm sorry. Well, what about you, Tom? Do you have any stories from the Bristol Rhythm and Roots? Other than our little side bet of the guy that I told you was not, in fact, a teenager, but a traveling musician. Yes, yes, yes. I served you on that one. Let's hear all about it.

We'll just say that I served you. I was owned. I don't have a political science degree. I was, in fact, very owned this weekend. I used to, well, for people listening, I used to manage a rock and roll slash bar venue, gathering space, whatever, whatever. Which is now sitting.

Which is now sitting, which you could buy for the low cost of $13,000 if you want to move to Whitesburg, Kentucky and open a bar. If we can raise it on our Patreon, we will take it over and call it Trillbillies. That's actually a good idea. Yeah, let's do it. This is for Terrence's birthday. He's donating

his birthday to the cause. We need $13,000 to open a bar. Okay. To open Trillbillies in downtown Whitesburg. A co-op model. What are we going to serve? Hot takes? Oh yeah. Cold beer hot takes. Like the Dairy Queen sign.

Equal smut and empowerment here in Honky Tonk Neon Lights. God damn, I would like to have a Honky Tonk. Anyway. I wish y'all could see Tom staring off into the distance. I'd love to have a Honky tonk. Anyway. I wish y'all could see Tom staring off into the distance. I'd love to have him. He was just staring into a light bulb just then.

Anyway. Chasing that neon flame. There's this kid that played in a band out of Bristol, Tennessee called Bluestone. And, god damn, this was four years ago, and he was young then. And he was busking at Bristol Rhythm and Roots. I said,

hey, that's the kid from... Was this the blonde kid y'all stopped and talked to? Looks like he had a helmet. Yeah. Uh-huh. Yeah.

He had the bow cut. Yeah. Yeah. So, little does everybody know that kid has opened for a veritable who's who

of 80s hair metal bands. And you, you recognized him on the street. I recognized him. Wow. But Terrence was like, dude, that kid's in middle school. of 80s hair metal bands. And you recognized your brother's truth. I recognized it, but Terrence was like, dude, that kid's in middle school. I was like,

he's not gonna come out tonight. He's got homework to do. And I was like, well, we kept, you know, I didn't want to fuck his program up because he kept having people like, you know, follow around him

and like listen to him play. So, just fortuitously on our way out of there, he's there busking by himself, picking and nobody's around there. It was Providence. I said Terrence got

a crisp $1 bill out of his pocket and goes, go stick that in his hat and let's see what it says. I said, I'm your huckleberry. I walk up to him and I said, hey man, I hate to bother you, but I had a question for you. We kind of got a little bet going here. You told him? Yeah.

I said, did you ever play in a band called Bluestone? He goes, yeah. And I was like, yeah, I remember you all played in Wattsburg. I knocked them both out and then ran. He ran with his busking money. Grabbed the money. Made out them both out and then ran. He ran with his busking money. Grabbed the money. Made out with nine bucks and nickels.

I will not be owned. No. No. So that was like the highlight of my weekend other than seeing Ray Wiley Hubbard still have it.

Yeah. And he still has it. Oh, God. I saw y'all, y'all like were bringing up the rear talking to that guy. I was like, I don't know Yeah. And he still has it. Oh, good. I saw y'all, y'all like, were bringing up the rear, talking to that guy. I was like, I don't know. They've went up.

We've lost them. Why are they approaching that 12-year-old? He could be a huge fan of this show. So if you're out there, you look great for your age. We're not saying this disparagingly. Great for your age. Yeah, not saying this disparagingly. Yeah. Great for your age.

Yeah, 20 going on 13. Yeah. You missed it on the ride up because you weren't in the van on the come up, but I told Tom about the porn I wrote. Oh, yeah? Oh, let's hear it. About Theodore Truman. This is very much my shit

Who the fuck is Theodore Truman Teddy Roosevelt Teddy Truman Theodore Truman 23rd President of the United States Theodore Truman Oh god damn William Howard McKinley

Well that's what I couldn't remember Oh, God damn. William Howard McKinley. Well, that's what I couldn't remember. I was like, I know everything there's to know about TR. Dropped a big... Warren G. Taft. They didn't even have bombs when T.R. Roosevelt was president. What would they have dropped on a city? A bunch of grass, everybody got allergies. It's a biological warfare.

Oh, grass bomb. Drop and pollen. Drop and pollen. God, that Roosevelt, you son of a bitch. What's so funny about that is nobody calls Teddy Roosevelt Theodore or anything. I was trying to be proper. That's why I fucked it up. Is the porn about Teddy Roosevelt's Rough Riders?

Is it called Rough Riders? Sort of. No, it's called T.R. Titty Roosevelt because it's a woman. Okay. You've got me interested. I'm hooked. Revisionist history. I'm hooked.

Y'all have given me the goddamn hiccups. Okay. So, I couldn't remember the name of the president right before T.R. Because T.R. became president because McKinley was shot, right? The second time, right? Yeah. Is that right? No, the first time.

No, I don't know. McKinley was killed by an anarchist. I remember that. That's, okay, yeah. But I don't think that Teddy Roosevelt was... I don't remember, but anyways, go ahead. So,

you know, the true history is that TR, he was an avid outdoors man. He hiked all the time. He actually co-founded Sierra Club with John Muir. Little known fact. Right. That Tom just told me. But, um...

That's my employee. And so, TR... There's a dark side to that. I'll get to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's a very dark side. Titty becomes the country's first female president. Okay.

When McKinley is shot. And as TR was, indeed, during this time, he was up in the mountains somewhere. Uh-huh. Hiking. When this happened. So him and John Murray might be having like a you know kind of a

Jack Nasty. And so the Secret Service have to hike deep into the bush. Wish I could quit you TR. Go go. I'm sorry. We could have had a real fucking good thing together I'm sorry

Keep going He says, I'm supposed to survive a few high altitude fucks every now and then I've memorized that scene, I love that shit It's such a good movie Anyways Anyways, Teddy was in the mountains when he found out that McKinley. Titty. Titty.

I'm sorry, Titty. T.R. Titty Roosevelt. Titty is deep in the bush when McKinley is shot. And Secret Service have to hike for days to find her, to swear her in as president. So the country is very vulnerable in this time. No presidential leadership until they can find titty in the woods and so the opening scene um or i don't know probably

not the opening scene who knows but uh i didn't uh properly uh what's it called when you script it out and uh it's and get a skeleton outline. Yeah, they call it something where you have pictures. Storyboard it. Storyboard. Didn't get the storyboard. From my days on the TV. Yeah.

So anyway, the Secret Service are just dropping like flies as they get there. But one lonely man makes it all the way to titty and he finally said and she's what the hell are you doing out here he said ma'am i have to i regret to inform you that mckinley has been shot and i need to swear you in as president of the united states you need to come back for a proper ceremony and she's like, you know, she has her feelings there real quick. There's a lot to take in. She had her whole evening planned of

bear hunting or whatever. Right. Whatever. Back then, he was like, ma'am, here's the nuclear football. But back then, they didn't have football, so it was like a badminton. Here's the nuclear badminton, man.

So anyway, long story short. Didn't Teddy play for Harvard's football team? He probably did. Teddy? Yeah. Anyway, long story short. She delivers, you know, after she gathers herself, she delivers some one-liner.

Yet to be determined. Asking the man if he'd ever fucked a president. Hard, dirty turn. I've been out in this bush for days. You trying to get in some bush for a few minutes? Hey there, boy. So they start going at it. You ever fucked a president?

Hey there, little boy. I don't know how people talk. I don't know. I can do the talkie. You should show the record and Y'all ever fucked a president? Hey there, little boy. I don't know how people talk. I don't know. I can do the talkie. You're like show director. Say, want to have a go? Yeah. But let me break down the rest of it.

So, you know, I mean, it writes itself, honestly. You got the Rough Riders. Yeah. You got the Bull Moose Party. Yeah. T.R. is probably- Walk softly and carry a big stick. Walk softly and carry a big stick. Walk softly and carry a big stick.

He had a fucking Okay. She. Don't miss gender titty. Yeah, don't miss gender titty. Had literally teddy bears named after this person. Like, you know, pop culture icon. The rapper 2 Chainz.

TR is a pop culture icon. And rapper 2 Chainz is a teddy boy. Yeah. TR is a pop culture icon and then even the teddy. Oh yeah the clothing item?

Probably not actually named after TR but it is called teddy. The hot teddy. The hot

teddy. It's like a hot teddy. Yeah so I figured once I got that out it'd ride

itself between Rough Riders and carrying a big stick the buck stops here yeah you're right come on I'm with you on this there's a great story at Electric County about the jailer

of our county our former jailer from the 1890s that swore up and down that he was part of uh the rough riders which the rough riders was basically like the 1886 harvard football team and like some ponies scouts from like montana and the badlands like killed natives really yeah but like somehow this guy who was the jailer of our county at that time, said he stormed San Juan Hill with Teddy Roosevelt. It said as they ascended.

I mean, Theodore Truman. It says as they ascended. Teddy Truman. That Teddy Truman looked over at Fess Whitaker, who was the guy's name, and said, Fess. Said, you know, when we finish here, and we're victorious,

I'm going to run for president, and you know what, Whitaker, I'm going to put you on my cabinet. And Fess famously turned to him and said, no thanks, Teddy, but I just want to be the jailer of Letcher County. They ate that shit up. They ate that shit up. He told us on the

campaign trail. But what's crazier is that when Fess died, the New York Times ran his obituary and referred to him as figure in Kentucky and friend of Teddy Roosevelt. Fess Whitaker died in a car wreck today. And this was like two weeks after he ran from Congress, and he lost by like six votes or something, like very narrow margin. Damn.

So the jailer of Letcher County was almost a U.S. congressman because of his fabricated relationship. You couldn't fact check that in those days. I guess you could. Yeah, back then you could be whatever you wanted to be, really. Yeah. There was no Facebook trail to prove otherwise. Right, right. In fairness to Fess, though, his claims were never debunked.

Yeah, Fess is like our Z-League type character, who's been everywhere at every moment in history. Like Forrest Gump. Fess is like our Z-Leg type character, you know, who's been everywhere at every moment in history. Like Forrest Gump. Yeah, like Forrest Gump. Fess is like Forrest Gump. Yeah. Worldwide West for you sports fans.

Right, right. Wow. Titty. Titty Roosevelt. Titty Roosevelt. We could do it. We could send this to Bollywood. Yeah, you're right.

Or whatever. We're going to make this in India. This movie's going to be a massive hit in Mumbai. They'll understand none of the references. Yeah, we'll shoot it on one of those man-made islands and do that. Oh, my God. Teddy Roosevelt was like Adolf Hitler. He was a eugenicist.

He did believe in white men's burden. Well, see, the reason I know all these stupid details about TR is that one of my college professors was obsessed with him, and one of my mandatory history classes half of it was about TR. Like in an idolizing kind of way or just that was like his research area? I don't know what's the difference? I mean like you have people that could like was he at least

balanced? Well I mean like Nazis don't like the people who study Hitler aren't solely Nazis. Nazis. Like there are intellectuals who study I don't remember him ever saying anything bad about TR. That's problematic, man, probably. Because I don't remember. I mean, maybe I only remember the good stuff.

There was like a speech he gave to the Naval War College in like 1898 or something like that. Now you're a history major. I like how he couldn't remember McKinley. It was like, well, not 1898 at Naval War College. I'm really bad at dates. I'm really bad at dates. I'm really bad at things. A little known seaman named Frederick Wilson.

You know that my mind only works with ideas. It doesn't work with hard numbers and shit like that. Anyways, I just remember the speech because I remember reading it and thinking, Adolf Hitler could have given the speech. It's all about creating a living room, Leavens around for like the white man well maybe the the grand finale of titty roosevelt will be antifa taking her out or something john muir should i think for it to be poetic and makes like coherent narrative sense john muir should be the one who assassinates titty roosevelt because he got jealous because T.D. Roosevelt

while running for her second term went on a tour around the country. No, it's during her term with the Bull Moose Party. Yeah, with the Bull Moose Party. And it was just an orgy. Everywhere they went all around the country and John Muir got incredibly

envious. John Muir was like Philip Seymour Hoffman's character in Boogie Nights. Yeah. I'm an idiot. Idiot. Idiot.

She tries to make a pass at Teddy and she rebuffs him and she's like, I'm so stupid. And then eventually is the one that shot him. Right.

You know, he had the Bible in his pocket or something and it stopped it. Oh yeah, it stopped it. But that was like John Muir. Right, right. Yeah, I like that.

I like that. Yeah, I think we got a concept here. You could do several series, several. This could be one in a series. Or a presidential series. Yeah, yeah, or a presidential series. Sort of like how they did the John Adams thing with Paul Giamatti. We should do one with someone playing Titty Roosevelt.

Who would be cast as Titty Roosevelt? Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton. Wow. And she could say this was the role I was appointed for. She's going to need a job. She needs to get back to work. Oh, shit. Fucking lay about. That's a good question. I'm going to steal on it.

Yeah, I'll let you steal on it. I'd lean toward Julia Roberts. Meryl Streep could pull it off. I don't know. She'd pull everything off. Meryl Streep. Well, how much time we had over there T we are at one hour exactly in 32 seconds okay well let's uh

let's let's wrap up a little bit on the old Bristol rhythm and roots you have anything else you want to say about it at last night I was being a little cranky about it um but um want to say about it? Last night, I was being a little cranky about it. But, I don't.

What were you being cranky about? There's no, let's just, this isn't a good bit. We'll move on. Not a good bit. Let's wrap up the Bristol Rhythm and Roots. Any last words? Not a good time. It was very white.

But, uh... Yeah. But I like... But, uh, it's what I'm most comfortable in. I like a festival. I like an intergenerational festival because I went to Forecastle and I felt like a fucking mammal. And everyone was tiny with like, festy clothes on. but this was just a regular ass

yeah there was some fun fashion i like festival fashion normally a lot of honky-tonk festival fashion a lot of life is good shirts i didn't notice all those i was zoomed in on the rompers and the cowboy boots i i tell you what the the one good thing about having a lot of the old heads there was that the festy hippies were pretty limited. Yeah. You know, the shitty white dreadlocked hula hoopers. I saw one, actually, during Lily Mae's thing. Yeah, I saw one hula hooper.

And Amethyst said there was a hula hooper there. Which is so weird because it's like she was just blissfully unaware of her appropriation in her. She was just so wavy gravy, man. Wavy gravy. Amethyst played two amazing sets. She's just a gift to us all. But, yeah, I saw one hula hooper and there were two dudes with, like like a lot of hair. One of them was dreadlocks that were wearing poly like like vintage polyester suits. And they looked crazy.

It was so hot outside. And so our friend that I was standing with, she said, well, that guy arrived here in a time machine. But he just looked he had to be sweating profusely. It was so hot. Yeah, I one of my favorite parts. But he just looked, he had to be sweating profusely. It was so hot. Yeah. I, one of my favorite parts, I don't really go to a whole lot of music festivals. I don't really go to a lot of stuff like that in general, but one of my favorite things about those scenarios

is people watching. And not just that, but like the snippets of conversation you hear. Like me and Tom and Alex are standing in line for ice cream on I think the first night. And this girl and her boyfriend walks by and she goes, and that's just how I was raised. like me and Tom and Alex are standing in line for ice cream on I think the first night and this girl and her boyfriend walks by and she goes and that's just how I was raised me and Tom and Alex just looked at each other just lost it it's crazy I heard a couple he was just

like wow I heard a couple in a food line talking about moving to Bristol they were like and the guy was trying to sell it to the girl he he was like, we could get a little apartment. Keep our flat. I swear to God. And I was like, are these people stoned? And finally she was like, I don't want to be here that much of the year. I mean, it was ridiculous. Keep our flat? Were they British? No, that's what he said.

Should we keep our bloody flat? You're sitting here on your Jack Johnson when we could be moving to Bristol. That was a good character I had over the weekend, like a Cockney GPS. you're going to oh cockney gps millennial you turn you're going to want to go up the road and just turn around go like four or five miles that's the most annoying anyway we were standing in line for tacos and then finally she broke that conversation by to say, I just think this is too greasy. It's going to hurt my stomach.

Let's go. And she just stormed off. And left me standing in the grease line like, damn. Don't care. Me and him were walking by one of the food trucks and we overheard this one guy go, just a snippet of conversation. This guy goes, how much

can one noodle cost? I mean, really? And that's all we heard. I mean, really? I heard a lot of good shit like that. There was a funny thing. Did y'all at the Tyler Childers, the private show? We didn't get in. I know, I know. Y'all were on the outside

looking in, but what was funny was that old fucker that just left his wife behind. I'm a one, I'm a single. Shit, no way. Did you not see this? I wasn't, I didn't even show up because I was lightly. This shit was hilarious, Tanya.

Somebody texted me and said we couldn't get in, so I went to something else. So we were standing in line, and this old couple was standing behind us, and it was already packed, and one of the ushers came out and said, we have room for one more. We have a seat for one more.

And he fucking beelined, cut in front of all of us, and Hootman lost it. Hootman was like, hey, buddy. Hootman did the hey, buddy voice. Hey, buddy, get back here. The Midwestern dad voice. Yeah. Hey, guy. Hey, guy.

Yeah, it was like trying to get him to come back. And this guy was not listening. He was on a fucking mission. And he was back in the line? His wife, poor wife, came to the door and was trying to get him to come back. And this guy was not listening. He was on a fucking mission. And he was back in the line? His wife, poor wife, came to the door and was trying to get him back. He bailed on his wife. And so eventually he just got so far ahead

that she just let him go. And she turned back to all of us and she goes, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh my God. It was literally like... It was the most inhumane. You see like these grown men at baseball games that like take foul balls from kids.

Like, you know, the kid's got the glove and a grown man dives over four people to steal. That's what it was like. Yeah. I look back at that guy. I was like, buddy. And he knew he did wrong because he just kind of put his head down. It's so embarrassed that he like cut line in front of like of a literal baby and four women to fucking see. Yeah.

What was funnier was his wife, her just total embarrassment. She was just so embarrassed. Absolutely ashamed. He didn't only leave her without a seat. He left her to pay for all of his embarrassment. She had to stand there and take all of it for him. God, I hope he gets divorce papers. What a fuck.

Probably not. She's like, that's just who he is. 30 years strong. 30 years strong. Yeah, that's fucking great. He's so passionate. Women are always making excuses for their sorry ass men. I swear.

Don't do it, ladies. Don't do it. Do not take a bullet for these motherfuckers. That ain't worth it. Damn. Wow. That's good shit. Really good shit.

Yeah. So now tell us, where are you going to donate your birthday? What cause do you donating your birthday to? Humane Society. I'm saying that because I've got a literal adopted kitten in my house right now. The ASPCA? Spay and neuter your pets, folks. I'm going to be the new Bob Barker about this cause.

One of my favorite tweets of all time was Little B said that he was the first rapper to adopt a cat straight from the ASPCA. He probably was. Now, Tom, tell us the story you told me right before we came in here. About what? Which one? About lunch. Oh, yeah. When I pull up to get you and there's like three rough asses in big dually trucks behind us. Yeah.

There's like three rough asses in big dually trucks behind us. Yeah. Terrence comes out of the office holding a kitten wrapped in swaddling clothing with a little baby bottle feeding it cat form. Yeah, they were honking. Beeping, honking at us, cussing us. But the funny part is that they weren't beeping too loud. They were just doing little nudges on their horn. Like a little love tat. Yeah, like, hey, come on.

Hey, buddy, that's a cute fucking cat, but goddammit, I got places I gotta be. Your cat is fucking adorable. They were rolling coal back there, but just gently, just a little bit. Cute cat, bro. Cute cat, bro. Well, that's probably a good... That brings us back full circle so why don't we

put a cap on this one and spay and neuter your cats and your pets everybody and we'll see you next week and donate to our Patreon page in honor of Terrence's birthday that feels pretty cheap

definitely wouldn't say no, but if you want to send me a personalized birthday card with like $500 inside of it, that would be tight too. Or you could put it on Patreon and he'll share it with us. I don't know. Wait, is this your 30th? No, that is my 30th birthday. It is your 30th.

God damn, that's right. Because last year I bought 28, a two and an eight for your birthday cake and then realized it was nine and we had to improvise. I don't think I knew that until just now. I still have that eight. If we still have a show next year, which, wait, your birthday's

July 16th? August, September. The gates of heaven have opened, you two. Listen, you remember the factoid about my life? Oh, no, I know your birthday. I don the factoid about my life oh no i know your birthday i don't have anything about your life uh i edit you once a week i know this weekend i was like you never listen to me and you i listen to you too much if we have a show if we have a

show next year we should give like that month's patreon to the birthday person you know like you get july's i'll get August, you get September. But here's the fucked up thing about that, is that at any point in time, it could be more or less, you know. I know. We had Patreon in July. We had Patreon in August. That's the game we played. Actually, this

sounds great. Let's do it. But then we'll abandon it at the end of this year, because it's unfair. Let's do it for this month. So donate to us, everybody. Thanks. We'll see it at the end of this year because it's unfair. Let's do it for this month. So donate to us, everybody. Thanks. We'll see you next week.