Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - 09/25/2013 - The Church Of What's Happening Now #115

Episode Date: September 26, 2013

Ari Shaffir calls in. This podcast is brought to you by: Onnit.com. Use Promo code CHURCH for a discount at checkout. Hulu Plus. Visit Huluplus.com/joey for an extended free trial. Dollar Shave Club. Visit Dollarshaveclub.com/church for great deals. Streamed live on 09/25/2013.

This show is sponsored by Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus when you go to huluplus.com slash joey that's huluplus.com slash joey and by dollarshaveclub.com. Get high quality razors into your door each and every month for a fraction of what you pay retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com slash church that's dollarshaveclub.com or just go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. It's Wednesday, September 25th, fucking deep day in your fucking world. You better focus in and drop some bombs on some motherfuckers today. All of them. It's a beautiful day to be alive. Get up,

wash your pussy. Oh shit. Oh shit. It's the real motherfucking deal coming at you. Couple jumping jacks, some alpha brains, some cereal, some Captain Crunch. Are you fucking kidding me or what? Who throws down with Captain Crunch in the morning? If you ain't fucking hitting the fucking reefer and listening to Jimi Hendrix, shoot yourself bitch. Listen to this bad black motherfucker. Oh. Oh. With the edge of my fucking head, a fucking mountain. Are you kidding me? What's the story? You got me all fired up with this bad black motherfucker. I listened to the music. I forgot what we were recording. God, that's fucking lethal. I put that on the internet about two in

the morning. Even the baby woke up and fucking asked me to roll the number. It's fucking Wednesday, cocksuckers. That's right. It's usually a shitty day, but fuck it. You're going to make it better today. You yourself is going to make it better. You're going to get up. You're going to wash your toes. You're going to put some powder on your nutsack, maybe some fucking antifungal. That's it. Wednesday's always a good day. I don't get the hump day thing. It's always like the first day that I start thinking about the weekend. I'm like, yeah, it's almost a fucking hump day. They're all a bunch of fucking savages. You got to take all of them individually and destroy them. That commercial makes me laugh though. Which one? That camel walking around. Hey, what day is it? What day is it?

And it's like a hump day. I don't know. I like stupid stuff like that. What's the matter with you? I don't know. What is the matter with me? What's up, Doug? Nothing. Tell me how yesterday went. Listen, it's so funny because the call time was 5.30 a.m. 5 fucking 30 in Hollywood. That means you have to be there ready to go. 5.30. Ready to fucking go. I was up at 3.45, like a soldier smoking reefer, eating a goomy bed. You know what I mean? I showed up fucking storm to the guild. I get on the fucking Paramount lot and some guy waves at me, some young brother, fucking tall motherfucker. I go over, he shows me, because I'm listening to the church right now and

shit. He was listening to the one from Monday. So I was talking, he was going to be one of the bicycle guys in the scene. So it was cool. I did one fucking scene. They said, you're going to do the next one? Relax. And then they came and got me to go, you're going home. Come back Thursday. And that was it. All right, awesome. You know, man, listen, I called George yesterday at like six in the morning. We were on the set at 6.45. That was when you were gonna rehearse. You get there for our dirty. I do makeup. You change into your clothes. You look over your script and your last adjustments. And you go in there. And just before I get in there, they give me a van and they open it up for me. And they're like, thank you, Mr. Diaz, for coming in today. And

the director comes over and shakes my hand. And he's like, oh my God, thank you for coming over here today. We'll be right with you. And we can do for you. And I'm like, no thanks. You know, and they walk away and I'm sitting there thinking to myself, but these motherfuckers only knew. But in 1994, I stole one of those blind kids change jar. The car fell in New Jersey because I needed weed money. You know, like what they come all, it's amazing. Like they don't fucking know. And I'm from the other side. I'm thinking to myself, how lucky I am, how lucky I am that I got to do this. You know, as a kid, I learned to speak English by watching television. So I was always, what's the word, enamorated with it, whatever. I was always fucking, I wanted to be on

TV. I just didn't know what capacity. I had no idea. I remember watching a sweet child of mine, the video in 87, right before I went to prison. And the guy that used to watch TV wouldn't get high when they said to me, you know, if you ever consider a career in this, my friend's a cameraman in LA, he could probably help you. And I would bug him all the time, you know, like call him up. I'm ready to be a star, you know, like call him up, you know, I'm telling. And it's so different of what your perception is and what really is in life. Like I know now that nobody could help you. You know, I know now that you could call a thousand people and they're like, all right, I'll look around. And you're like, fuck you, I ain't gonna fucking help you. But

if you set a path and you, you know, you and I both know we've had this discussion. I told you that my TV and film career were dead. Yeah. You know, so all of a sudden I walk into, I go to Denver, I come back last week and I have an audition. I look at this thing and I go, ah, I won't get this in the back of my mind. I don't think like that till it's time. Then I look at it and I go, I can nail this. This is me. Let me go make this me. And I go in there and you know what, it's really weird to see that, that I have the ability that I also went to prison. I did a lot of fucking weird stuff, but that now that I could read these things and get booked on these sets and talk to people and they have no fucking idea. They know I'm a stand up comic, but they have no

fucking idea, you know. And this episode is great. Patton Oswalt is on it and he's the regular, the guy from the wire is on it, my old friend from fucking Longest Yard, isn't it? Terry Cruz. Oh, cool. Yeah, he plays this. So it's a lot of people that I know, you know, again, who the fuck? I go on my wallet sometimes to pull out my ATM card and my union card pops out late from SAG. SAG. And I sit there and go, how the fuck did this happen? No, but you still think like, like I understand when you're doing the longest yard and stuff, and it's the first big thing that you're like, oh, I can't believe like if they had only known I was in jail, but 94 was freaking 20 years ago. Like, and you're still, you're still like,

of the only new. I don't, I don't forget nothing because I always want to put myself there so I could feel very fortunate. I never want my money to get away from who the fuck I am. That's the worst that could happen to you in life is for you all of a sudden to get $3 and think that you're better than somebody else. Or you get a shitty part on a TV show. I'm not saying that I'm just saying anything. I've seen so many people go from hero to zero when I was at the store. And then your bubble breaks and you don't take those your career because you put so much into that thing. And to me, it's a job. I don't feel that I'm better than you because I'm on television where a lot of people do. They go into a room and they want, you know, they just came from an audition. I don't

give a fuck, you know. If you look at Facebook and Twitter, a lot of people say I'm going on audition today or whatever. I don't give a fuck. It's a job for me. I know it doesn't make me a better person. You know, I never thought that. I never thought that just because I'd be, I do 10 minutes on a TV show that it would take away my sins. I never felt that way. Where I know a lot of fucking people that walk around here like, you know, they can fucking make water fucking disappear just because they've been in the movie. You've seen them. We've discussed this a million fucking time. To me, it's a job. I like doing stand-up. I like the nitty gritty dirtiness of doing stand-up. It keeps me who the fuck I am, talking to the people. And I really, I really

puts, it puts half of my life into perspective. The other half is when I go home, you know, my wife don't fuck around. My wife tells me I'm a fucking idiot. And that's how it goes down. And that's how it goes down, you know. But the other half part of that is I keep myself in check. I ain't gonna lie to you guys. I ain't gonna lie to you, Lee. I lost a little bit after the longest yard, but not me. It was the people blowing smoke up my ass that made me lose it. Because I would never, I even, I even took the competitiveness out of my life because I didn't like what it did to me. You know, because at the end of the week, you're gonna do what you're gonna do. And I'm gonna do what the fuck I'm gonna do, even though we're both comedians. And we're

both gonna get to the same location only through different paths. So what do you mean you took the competitiveness out? I took the competitiveness out. When you first come up here, you get pissed off. Oh, look at Lee. You got a part on this fucking. Look at that. You got to take that off. You can't worry about what this fucking guy's doing. But you still work hard. You're just not jealous. It's like jealousy. Yeah. Fuck with this. You got to do your own thing. Okay. You know what? I don't have a Porsche. I have a fucking Subaru. But if I wanted a Porsche, I'd have a fucking Porsche. You know me? Yeah. I like my little Subaru. I like going undercover. I don't even know who the fuck I am. I'm like nothing. You know? But it's just really hard that people always, you know, I always

hear, Oh, well, Jennifer Aniston, she got help. Her father was in the movies or whatever. Yeah. But then she had to go into an audition room and book that and keep that. A lot of people will get help one time and they'll get on the show and make some money. But then when they start audition, they can't fucking do it again. Yeah, we went to a, we went to you with a show and there was a bartender who after we left you, like it was a very sad, like she got one movie and then nothing ever happened. And she's still bartending 20 years later or something. Well, what happened to her was what happens to a lot of people, they start listening to people. They happen to me. But it happens to women more than anybody because somebody always ultimately wants to fuck them. And that

person who wants to fuck them puts thoughts into their mind. Oh, have you come to LA? So that's what happened. She did a movie with Usher in Chicago, where she played the Usher's girlfriend or one of those rapper's girlfriends. And she had to make out with them and the whole fucking thing. And so for months, the comedians, she was a waitress at the comedy club. So the comedians would come in and she would tell them and they try to fucking go move out to LA. I got agents for you. You did a movie with Usher. I'll hook you up. So when she came to me, she was my friend. Whenever we went to Chicago to work at Riddles, me, her and the owner would always go eat breakfast and lunch. She's a young girl. And I told about a word called work. And she fucking looked at me like,

well, these guys said, all I gotta do is walk into this place. And I was like, fucking mesmerized. I was a smart girl like that. Because she's a very intelligent girl, could get overtaken like that. And I still remember being at that boxing gym, you know, when I go to Hollywood, Justin Fortunes with McAffoldi and those guys, you know, have you been there with me? I still remember being there one time and her going back there for something. Like there's a store back there. Okay, there used to be a weed store back there. And there used to be a coffee shop, which it still is, but the coffee shop was tremendous. And one day I saw going into the coffee shop, this had to be five, six years ago. And oh my God, did she have

a story? But she asked me a simple question. She goes, I just moved here. And I found two places, I found an apartment for like 1100 in Hollywood, you know, and then she found one for 2800 in a wool shirt that the building has a screening studio and all this shit. And she's like, that's when people come over when I'm like, what the fuck's gonna come over your house? Fucking, you know, I mean, who's coming over that you have to have a screening fucking studio? Who's coming over Steinberg, whatever, when I was fucking meet the Greenbergs, who's coming over you out. So she's like, no, I think I'm gonna opt for the 25. So somebody already had her away from that. She's a pretty girl. Yeah. But she was mad pretty. Really? When we saw, yeah,

you could see the sperm got to it, the sperm in the stress that'll take a bitch down, especially Hollywood sperm that fucking Arabian fucking produces sperm that they give you, you know, that should have killed a bitch. And I've seen, I've seen beautiful women come here, come here with the work ethic, who team up with some guy starts sucking cock, no auditions, rich, boom, next thing you know, they're fucking pregnant. And they're moving back home. I've seen it. I've seen girls that were gonna be fucking stars that had TV shows. They're now fucking photographers and they're fat fucks. And if you would have seen these people 10 years ago, you know, you would have fucking died, you would go, Oh my God, that person's going to be a fucking star. No, they're

not because they had one failure and they quit. Yeah, they quit after one fucking failure. You're gonna have 1000 failures and come 1000. I was watching on myth on mythologic. Have you seen that? No, I documentary. Oh, is it the one you had on your house? He got fired in Vegas. At a time when getting fired in Vegas meant you were done. Wow. Why did they fire him? Because he went nuts one night blazing saddles was his movie. That was his movie. He wrote the fucking movie with whatever his name was. He was the guy that he can give it to him. He went up to his house and he shot the fucking house up and the goldfish, the tank he shot it with a shotgun or a gun. It doesn't matter in some people's world, those decisions will take you out of the game. Why

have you have a nervous breakdown? You know, I was I was getting dressed to go to the audition for the sequel to get shorty. It was between me and some other fucking guy. I was going to meet Gary, whatever his name was, the guy who directed Fridays and all that. I was going to meet him. I think that's the same director. And as I'm putting my warm-up suit on a week before Christmas, I get the call that they gave it to some guy in New York as I'm zippering up my jacket about to get in my car. For some people, that's a fucking killer thing. You ever see that movie with Blade where he goes to prison? He's a boxer and he ends up fighting, you know, what's the guy's name? Wesley Snipes. Yeah. Did a movie with the big black guy. Okay. What the fuck is his name?

The big black guy from Pope fiction. Oh, Ving Reign. Yeah. He did a movie. Undisputed? Undisputed. What year is that? 2002. 2002. So that was January 2002. They were going to shoot that. They started auditioning for that in like October. Oh, okay. And I went to the first audition and it was Wesley Snipes first. It was a Reuben Cannon. He's a big black, big time black casting director. He discovered Danny Trey on prison. Oh, yeah. He's the one. It's a Walter Hill director. Walter Hill. Yeah, this is a Walter fucking Hill movie. So here I am, a busted comic in Hollywood. I walk into Walter, into fucking whatever his office. And in those days, they used to have a thing called Pre-Read, where you pre-read for the casting assistant. Then if he thought you

were good, you came back and read for the casting director. Jesus. This is 10 years ago. This was fucking 11 years ago when they still had money in this family. It was time. So I get this fucking call, go down there and ref undisputed. I'm like, what the fuck is this shit? It's going to be the last big movie before the strike. Oh, the right of strike? Yeah, there was going to be a huge strike in 2002. This was going to be the last big movie before everything went into reality. I figured it'd be my shot. I could move out of the building. I could get a car, you know, this whole fucking thing. I don't know. I don't know none. I'm just living my life. I've done mad TV. I've maybe done a few other stupid things. I get a call to go pre-read for this casting director. I go in,

boom, pre-read, bang, go home. They call you. They loved you. They want you to go back to read for Reuben Cannon. No, they didn't say they loved you. They want you to go back to read for Reuben Cannon for the part of a gangster with the guy who played Colombo and all these fucking people. I go back two days later. I read for the part of the fucking the gangster. The guy says, take the sheet away and let's do this. Just talk. We fucking do it. It's beautiful. The guy goes, can you come back Tuesday? I'm going to put your camera in front of the producers. I go back, read, boom, dig it. Now they make me go to a fucking building in Wilshire Boulevard on the Monday morning at 10 o'clock and read for everybody, including Walter Hill. And he tells

me, he goes, I want you to get this part. The casting director is fucking pushing it for me. Okay. But they also wanted the biggest names in Hollywood at the time. They wanted to get as many big names. They got the guy from Sons of Anarchy. They had Johnny. Meatballs. They had the guy from Boardwalk Empire. I mean, they had a thousand fucking people in this movie that we're going to do this movie. So again, I go on Monday morning, there's Walter Hill with his fucking hair and the whole, oh my God, damn, fucking Walter Hill. So I walk in, I sit down and it's a guy from seven that at the time seven was still, you know, it was a guy, the guy next to me was the kid from seven that he killed. He killed somebody in seven and he leaves a witness alive. And the guy's

shaking. I've never seen anything like that. He's next to me. The guy over here was somebody else from a big movie. It was like I walked into a room and I had never been in that room. I had always auditioned with little people for little shows. Now I'm in a room with fucking actors and I'm dying by the minute. I'm dying. All my insecurities are coming out. I'm thinking about robbing the fucking milk man. I'm thinking about my mother dying. I'm thinking about going to prison. I'm thinking about being a failure. I'm thinking about a thousand fucking things like, you know what, fuck this shit. And I went in that big fucking room, Lee, and I destroyed them. I got them with comedy first and then I read the scenes and I had them. I got them so much that that Monday

night, Walter Hill and Ruben Cannon came to see me at the lab factory. Really? Yep. Yep. Wow. Fucking never. Jamie was pissed. People were pissed. He wanted to see me at 9.20. This is fucking Walter Hill. Why were they pissed? Because they wanted, they had other people they wanted to put up. But Walter Hill wanted to see me at 9.20. They got pissed. So fucking about three days before Christmas I get the call that they gave it to two more experienced actors. But they're heartbroken because they really like me. That they're going to see what happens after the holidays and try to get me a smaller part in the movie. There's a prison movie. Who didn't fucking give it to me? I was heartbroken. Heartbroken. I must have snorted a kilo of coke in January. I was so fucking

out. How long had you been here at that point? Five years, six years, maybe five years. Doesn't matter, Lee. These type of disappointments fucking kill you. Oh no, but I'm saying it wouldn't still kill you now? No, because now I know that nothing happens. Now I know that I didn't miss out on nothing. Do you know what I'm saying? Like for so long I figured that if I missed and there was six stories like that. I have six stories where I was right there towards the end and I thought that this was going to save my life. And the movie came out of the TV show came out and it was gone and done. There's a TV show I read for that was one of the funniest fucking things I ever read in my life. And I got to be honest with you. Whoever wrote it wrote it for me. Without

even knowing who I was. The guy that played this was this one guy in this thing was the biggest asshole you've ever met in your life and he sounded just like me, the people. He was a boozer. And his whole search in this episode was a Showtime show. Don't ask me the fucking name of it. Okay. Don't ask me the name of it. It was going to be Showtime's next big thing. They had big time directors and my role was a guy that was a boozer. But he needed a kidney. All right. Okay. And so he was trying. They wouldn't put him on the kidney list. But he had so much money. He had these goons that were going to go out and kill people to get his kidney. But it was the funniest fucking thing you ever read in your life. I still remember the guy,

like the guy would be drinking. Yeah. And the two goons would bring like a homeless guy. And I'm like, what do you think, boss? And he'd look at them and go, get him out of here. He looks like he sucked a dick yesterday. He's all moro. I don't want sperm in my kidneys or something like that. It was just disgusting, but brilliant. Right. I forget who the fuck was the writer. But who gives a fuck anyway. I'm just trying to let you know that sometimes those disappointments leave make people stop in their tracks. They stop, you know, what do you, what would you do if you got into Boston? You did stand up for six years in Boston, drove your car to Connecticut, Maine, Vermont in the snow, moved to New York for a year, lived in a fucking basement, you know,

with three Puerto Ricans and a roach, you know, the pipes leak. There was no heat in the winter. You'd be in comedy. And also in this one day that this agent says to you, you should move to LA and you fucking pack up your bags, you kiss your mom, you know, you tell him, move into LA. And there's your dream. Your friends have a going away party for you. You move to LA, you show up on a Tuesday, they get you a fucking showcase at the comedy store, and went into the lab factory and the comedy store tells you know, in the lab factory says, showcase again in six months. What do you do? I mean, it would be it would be terrible. I mean, I kind of not not the comedy version, but I did that. I went to college for four years and I did

that for TV and and my first job sucked. It was, uh, yeah, it was tough and not like I told you if I had a job and a dream or two different fucking things. Well, it was before I got out here, it was a dream to like be an editor. And now now I've kind of seen a different side of it. But I've already told it. It wasn't, I don't know what would have happened. And it wasn't me giving up. I just, I didn't really like it. I didn't like it. You don't like you. I probably would have gone home if I hadn't started working with you. So when something's unfamiliar to us, we hate it. Yeah. And this is a tough place to move to at first. When you're in Boston, you know the fucking area and you get on a train and go anywhere and you know,

with Cambridges and you know how to get down to Salty. And then you move out here and they fucking everything so spread out. And you're like, where's Sherman? I was 22 miles up. And you're like, what the fuck? And you got to get on the 10 and the five for a couple of days that you're like, I don't know if this is going to work out. No, I don't really. And it's hard. It's hard to meet people because no one's going to like it. No one's going to hang out. Like if you meet someone who at work and they work and they live an hour away, they're not going to come over to watch TV or something. But it's kind of weird that you bring this up because I got a call two days ago that my high school, my middle school and high school best friend just got engaged to the girl who's

been sitting for like six or seven years. And it's he was my he was my best friend. And we're still close. But like he's working for a concrete company, but it's as like a business consultant or whatever. His fiance is working at just a normal nine to five job. And I was telling my dad yesterday, like, he's one of my closest friends. But that's exactly why I left. Like it just, it sounded so boring. Like he said he said he works eight 30 to five. He had a bigger job at a different company, but he left because he didn't like traveling every week. Like he had to travel to different meet different companies. And I just I was like, what the like, and we at one point towards the end of the conversation, I was like, oh, I'm running into a I'm running into a dinner

or something. Like, and I wasn't I was like 10 minutes from home, but I just couldn't. We almost didn't really have anything to talk about. Anyway, it was weird. Like it would be it really. And he had like, I'm going to be in his wedding. And it's he's still one of my closest friends. But it's just next fall. But it's also and it sounds stupid. But my my phones, my new phones coming today and that Oh, shit. But the reason why I bring it up is you always talk about thinking about your life and what happened. It sounds stupid. But getting a new phone when I was ordering it, I was I was thinking about where I was ordering my phone two years ago. And I was at a job I hated.

And I didn't really have the money for the phone. And I it was like the first big phone I had and I was I was so excited for it. And now I ordered it here in this apartment. And we've done the CD and and and we I went and we did the documentary and we just did we just did another CD and it's crazy what happened like it felt like two years like it felt long but like looking back at I'm like holy shit look what happened in two years. Life is pretty weird when you have things going and when you're motivated and things are in your corner. And I tell people all the time man, we had nothing in our corner. It's not like we went to an office and they gave us a deal or gave us money. We had nothing in our corner, but we just kept doing and believing. Staying

active man is it for me. It's always been it for me in the game. I don't even know the word how to say the word. By the way, I start meeting with my fucking girl next Monday. For what? For history. Oh your tutor. Yeah. She's gonna bring me the book. We're just gonna meet Monday and talk about what I know and what I don't know. And you're doing American history? From the beginning guys. I'm not gonna go to college. I'm just getting a tutor once a week. That's awesome. And hopefully this one. And again you know it's not gonna make me a movie star to be a tutor or one of these things like a god. It doesn't matter man. I'm embarrassed not knowing American history. I'm embarrassed and once I get

good at it I want the people to come to the shows and we're gonna quiz each other after the show. Because I want them to keep me on my toes about 1776 and all this shit. I forgot all that leak. I don't know nothing. I'm so fucking embarrassed but if I can't tell you. No one remembers anything from school. Yes they do. Yes they do. You guys know more than me. I'm talking about the beginning. How England came over here with the Beatles. They took over and they bit slapped you. Where's some musically you bad motherfucker? It's Wednesday September 25th. Wash your feet. Wash your ass. Write down your goals. There's some fucking body waiting for you to stick your dick in that mouth. Oh shit. The mother fucker. Look at Lee. Oh shit.

Have I seen this movie now? Get it together cocksucker. Let's do this shit. Oh shit. You have to see this movie one. If you're watching a video. Yeah. Yeah. I'm watching him dance around. I'm fucking bad motherfucker. He's a bad motherfucker though. Smoking over. Smoking. What year was this you know? It's gotta be 50 something. Black and white. Yeah. Yeah. Listen to that shit. This is from a movie? Yeah. That's Joe House Rock. You know and they're cheesy and shit. This was the fucking king. There's nobody walking out that looked like him. This guy could take his dick out anywhere and just pee and shit. Look at this if he shat on the floor somebody would leave it.

Well what do you think? Are you worried about? Not worried but when the denier movie comes out you're gonna a lot of that same stuff is gonna happen again. What's that stuff? Well like when we started the podcast you said how the director was so thankful for you coming in and stuff and you've told me before how like they never used to do that. So no but like the same stuff after the longest yard is gonna happen when the denier movie comes out. In which sense? Like people are gonna be calling you for interviews and they're gonna be treating you like a star. But that's not what it was. That's not what it was. That got to me. That's not what got to me. Okay. When you work on a set there's people work on a set.

The PAs and ADs and all this shit. I tell you you work on a TV show. And you got a fucking director. Lee get yourself together. Drink some water with him. Your face is getting all red and shit. This is the shit they gave the devil when he had a fucking flu. So that shit's good. That's some good fucking reefer. That's the Yoda's brain from NoHo Organic. Motherfuckers. I'm telling you this is right to your fucking soul. I smoked a whole joint up to Son's Anarchy lesson. I had to go out of the house and run around the fucking YMCA a few times. I hit the bag. I fucking did the apolitical for four. I listened to the whole whole in the fucking sky. I'm sabotaged. I'm telling you that weed's tremendous. Look at you. Look at you and

shit. This is like 39 fucking percent THC with our room loads in it or whatever the fuck. I don't know but we got a cock coming in. Who's this? Sorry. Oh shit. Oh shit. What's up little brother? How you feeling? I'm doing great. I picked out of the apartment. Sorry. What happened? Come here to get out of your apartment. Your shit. Your father or something. Oh I just have a girl that's just sleeping. So fuck her. Throw her out. It's time. Rise and shine bitches. She should be making eggs anyway. I'm letting her get out. Yeah what the fuck. This ain't no fucking boy. Making omelette and hit the brick. And hit the bricks bitch. Do the walk of shame as though Jamaican downstairs. You got to give them a toll to get out. You like in New York huh? We should

fear. Yeah it's pretty fun. It really agrees with you. It's pretty fun. I always knew it agreed with you more than this place because sometimes you fucking you're a night owl. You're one of those late night Jews. Yeah. LA's not a city for that. Yeah no no LA blows for that. Only canthus is open after two. Only can't. Yeah you get swingers and um and a toy. It does not much. Fucking toy is good. Toy is good. I hate it. Some of the only kind of shitty egg rolls at all. Those toy egg rolls. I'll tell you what I like from the toy. The pad thai shrimp is to fucking kill. I went to lunch at Chibo the other day with uh with Aubrey. And I was telling Aubrey to go for some reason. People don't know that this is like a classic strip for food. You've got Chibo. You've got toy. You've got

aroma down the corner. Oh yeah. Aroma. And that's the billion place. This is the old aroma. The billion place is gonna be good to me more. Which one is that? Like two or three blocks further down. Yes on the corner. They have yellow rice and shit. A lot of people go there still. Oh really? Yeah a lot. I forget what the name of the place is. That place has a big time fucking following. Yeah yeah yeah. It's been around for a while. I've never been there. People always talk about it. I have no idea what the fuck it is. It's Brazilian but it's like a that really solid fuck. You know I'm not a fan of that place but I know a lot of people who are. The last time I ate I went there I got sick. I don't like yellow rice. But uh that fucking toy I tell you I hate

Thai food. But god damn that place is packed with hot women. You're right Lee. I gave Lee some fucking Yoda's brain from Noho Organic. You gotta see him. Ari Shafir he's fucked up. Is he out of his mind? Oh this is some good shit too. Ari you're missing out. Is the flying dude grounded? Oh he's all fucking done his yarmulke. He's ironing it right now. I'm fine today. The live podcast was bad. Oh my god Ari we got some 275 milligram gummy bears called Green Hornets from Chibo. Oh my god Ari fucking Shafir. I gotta get some of these. I gotta be there next week. Okay I'll save you. I got a bag over here for you. I got a box of dabbas. Those are the new mint chocolate bars from Chibochu. 200 milligrams. They have 100 milligrams sativa or 100

milligrams. So if you eat the 200 milligram fucking bar it's stronger than a Chibochu. Whoa really? If you eat the gummy bear it's 100 milligrams more than the Chibo deca. Why do you call it gummy bear when everyone else call it gummy bear? I don't fucking know because when you get high it's a gummy right? Who says gummy? What happened? I'm gummy dog. I'm gummy. I don't fucking know. Yeah GMI. You know because of the success of Dead Squad we've all had little great little things going on for us. One of the things you put together is the the story teller show. What do you call them? Yeah this is not happening. This is not happening. I mean it's a it's a great fucking concept. I watched all the videos from the first season

that you put me on and now we're gonna shoot the second season on Tuesday October first again at the cheetah where surprisingly it doesn't smell like pussy in there for being a how strict. I don't think it's been good pussy in there for decades. Really? I heard it's a bikini bar though during the week but they'll suck your dick. Yeah I think of a bikini bar. People go there. I mean it's fun to hang out in. It's mostly just a place to get a drink with a friend and that's mostly what it's for. So no chicks to the dirty there nobody licks your asshole or nothing like that? I mean I'm sure you could talk somebody into it. I'm sure you could talk somebody into it. Okay. You can always talk and go into it. It was there but not on the regs. Who's doing the shows this week?

It's a good one. You, Rogan, Moshe Casher, J. O'Gresson, Kurt Braunholer, Fortune Thiemster Results, Moshe Casher, Brenna Zeezy. Who do you think you will? Oh, Kumael, Nanjiani. No shit. Yeah. Oh, she's on a show with him before I think. No I've never done a show with him. I want to see him though. I love his bit about the roller coaster in Coney Island. That's one of the funniest things that we've ever done. Oh yeah. Yeah. No you do want him. You just shut up late. You did one with him and you talked about Lucie Snorbush. Oh shit. Yeah he'd already gone on I

think. And are you doing both of them and you're telling two stories? Yeah I'm doing both of them. I know my fight story. You're doing a fight story. I know my fight story. That is real. That might happen to Israel. And what's the other topic? Travel, correct? Travel. Yeah, Rogan's doing that one. That's the first show. Rogan's doing that one. Fortune, Moshe, and either Pete Holmes or just I. You got to see if Pete can do it or not because he's got a new show. He's going to follow Conan. They're putting him up to Conan. You believe that shit. That's amazing. How is Arsenio doing? Anybody ever watch it or has anybody ever stopped by it? I'm not fucking even stopping. I mean I know some old guys like some people my age were like you know it's just

like a little little. It's great. It's like fun again. But I know some other people were like it was horrible. You know what? Who the fuck watches TV after 1130? I don't fucking watch it. Anything after 1130? Yeah. Dude I go into these meetings sometimes with these people. And you're like so what TV do you like? I'm like South Park. Like what else? I'm like that's about it for comedies. I want to be like you guys have done a horrible job for the last 15 years. What do you even have on there? A lot of family was good for a year and a half. I watch TV cheering for it. Do you know what I'm saying? I watch TV and I cheer for TV. So when this a fucking point to me it tears me to fuck apart whether it's a new special, whether it's something.

You know I always try to watch something that'll but a lot of shit is fucking terrible in the comedy department. My god I watched a terrible show last night. What? What? What? The show with Urbisi and the other guy is Dads. Oh, Dads? Is that the name of the show? No shitties. Listen, I love Urbisi. That guy has a family guy. Whatever his name is. He got lucky. He was a family guy. Cleveland show's okay. Everything he touches is like I'm brilliant. It's like no you ain't brilliant. You gotta work it. Is that the typical fucking 80s sitcom? That looks so bad. Oh my god. I got stuck for like eight minutes. And all they do is get some fucking stars. Like oh it's good Giovanni Urbisi and the guy from fucking Angel or whatever the show is.

And it will be great. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be awful. It looks awful. I love Giovanni Urbisi too. I mean you know how can you not like I love them in Boiler Room. There's a lot of fucking little things. I like them and there's something else. He was fucking just dynamite in. But when I watched that. And it was great Boiler Room. He was a good friend. Yeah, yeah he is. He's a little Scientologist too, right? Yeah. Yeah, he's a little Scientologist. You know how he was in? He was in um he was in Lawson translation and the fucking the the husband of the check who was about to cheat on him. Yes, yes. Yeah. No, he's great. He's fucking great. So when you see this shit you sit there and go what the fuck am I watching man? What the fuck am I watching? Was there a laugh for the real obvious

laugh track? Yeah. Yeah, of course. And when you watch the specials on the show time. I'm up and I'm walking down to the danger smith and I'm never up this early and I was like let's watch it. Let me just go down to D and E. I live on D. That's about the border C and a half. Now I'm walking out of E. So what happens on E? They still saw heroin on E and shit. I don't know. I won't go out of here after fucking 3 p.m. It gets that bad. Is that much of a difference? No. New York was built by fucking Jews. You don't fucking feel that city. There's a yarmulke on every street corner dog. Like a GPS. There's a yarmulke guiding you motherfuckers.

We can have on today. Anybody crazy? Just you. Let me tell you something. That used to be a heavy, heavy, heavy duty neighborhood Ari that you're walking in. When I tell you heavy duty Ari, heavy duty. I haven't been in that neighborhood Ari honestly since 1982. Honestly, that's the honest. Really? I think I went back in 93 and 91 to go down there to get weed one time but that's a scary name. They didn't even call Alphabet City anymore. No, that's a scary name. There's a movie. There's a movie with Vincent Spano that was done in 19 whatever. Cheesy as fuck. It's called Alphabet City. Oh really? And I gotta tell you, I mean the movie blows. I don't even know where I'm bringing it up but that was, I gotta be honest, that was a scary, that was, you know,

like different parts of the city represented different things. Okay. When I was growing up, Harlem had the Coke and the weed. Weed being first and then the Coke. When you went to Spanish Harlem, every click had a heroin guy but I wasn't a part of it so I didn't see that click. Do you follow what I'm saying to you? Your eyes only let you see what you want to see. So let's say 148 Street and Broadway. In the middle of that block, they used to sell weed in the 80s. It was called the Master Mix. Okay. So they sold Thai weed, which was one brand for 20 and they sold green weed, Sense of Media for 20, but for together they called the Master Mix. They put it together. And on this block, on this block right there on 148, I'm just trying to sell you the whole example.

If you went, the weed was sold on the streets. The Coke, you had to walk. And that's because they had a hybrid. They just, they just mixed it together. Yeah, this is just, yeah, there was no hybrid. This is when they had Jamaican bread called Lambs bread. It's a weed that's very popular in Miami, Lambs bread. It comes from Jamaica and they would miss them. They had that. They had that. It's the place we saw some of them. Right. They say it's Lambs bread now, but it's very brown with reddish hairs and it's very thick. It's an indica, I think it's a very thick weed. It's toxic when you smoke it. But so if you want to blow an 84 or something, you want in the building.

If you want to Coke, I mean, yeah, if you want it like heroin, you went in a building, but since I wasn't part of that, I didn't see it. When you went to alphabet city, you went to alphabet city to get stuff like tumor and alls and xyle and alls and barbiturates and heroin. You know, like if you went to alphabet city and tried to get weed, they probably punch in the fucking face. Like that's all I remember. That's what I remember about alphabet city, like going down there one time and it was heavy duty, everything that I wasn't doing at the time. It was interesting. Like they had hookers down there, but it was very interesting. They had the shit that you didn't want, you know, like it wasn't what I like. Washington

Square Park used to be a very big pill place in the 80s and 90s. What got cleaned up in the 90s? No, but it used to be, we could go to Washington Square Park and get anything. You understand me? Anything. You get a gram of speed, you get a gram of heroin, you get, you know, it was that, that's how Washington Square Park and that's what I remember Dave Chappelle from. Like a lot of people don't know this. Now all you can do is find some weed. All you got to do is find some guy who passes you. I finally figured it out. If somebody just ethnic looking and when they walk by you, they just under their breath, they just say like, like real soft, they go like three, two, whatever they say, whatever they say, go to three and then you turn

and look at them and they try to keep walking, but they turn also. And if they see you looking, they go, it's very nonchalant. Remember a look is as good as a nod to a blind horse. So it's very nonchalant. It's a very weird look. It's so New York-ish. All that shit is so New York-ish. That's what weed and drug sales is different New York that the guy will be there. You won't even know it's him, but it's him. Yeah, nobody pays attention to anybody else. So if you do actually pay attention, even a look, you're right. That's enough. That's enough. That's enough. Don't get a look otherwise. You know, I was very fortunate when I was like in the eighth grade, ninth grade, all you had to do was take a bus into 42nd Street, go to that corner and Ari, there'd be 20 drug dealers at all times.

And as you walk through them, you walk through them with your mom, like, you know, let's say you were going to the circus. You had to get to Madison Square Garden. So you had to walk up a block and take a cab. Like, I remember going to the city with my mom and walking through those people. And all you heard was Yelba. Yelba, marijuana, acid, you know, cocaína. Like, you heard everything. And it was all beat. You did not stop for those guys on 42nd Street, right there, where the billboard is. You did not stop for those people. It was all fake. They would give you paper with the coffee. All fake. Somebody gave me, somebody gave me by there. Somebody gave me, somebody, I do that saying, somebody, we didn't have any. So I was like, the problem here is

it's not so much getting it. You can find it from delivery service. You can find it, you know, in places, just friends, like, Hey, my guy's coming. But it's when you're out and you don't have any on you. And then you're like, Oh, I want some weed. And you got to go all the way back home to get some and you can't pull over to a store like a fucking grown man, like a free American. You can't do that. So you got to find something. You're out. And this guy gave me somebody's like, here, I smelled it and it smelled like air. And for the first time, I was like, you know what, man, nah, there's nothing. And he goes, All right, all right, try this. And I'm going to wash them carefully because I know he's going to fucking switch them. How was the second batch I showed you?

Second batch is okay. Second batch, I can smell the first batch of the fucking fake back for someone who wants to come to New York, I weed for the first time. Well, in magazines, well, in magazines, in like, high times and shit, they sell fake weed. And they call it something else. It's like a fake. They have in there, like you buy a half ounce for $16 and this so it's aromatic and you smoke it, you get it sent to your house and nothing happens. But they let you ship it. It has no THC value out of it at all. But when you're young, you don't know you'll fucking buy that shit. You like they sell it in the magazine, you know, so you'll fucking buy it's like right now, I guarantee they somebody's got Chibo choose for sale online. They just got no THC in them. So you'll buy and

send any any minute any minute now people going to start duplication selling all over the country. It makes sense. It's a $20 for one of those Chibo Chew Deckers. If I sell 10 of those, it's 200 fucking dollars. Really? That's 20 bucks that you would choose? Oh, yeah, the quad doses, the quad doses. I could sell 50 of those for a fucking rage. Remember, everybody I gave the 500 milligram Brownie to New York, called me days later and said, What was that? What was in that? What was that? One guy being my brother, Mike Ronnie, who we did. I don't know how many pounds of cocaine together. I don't know how much time we smoked crack. How many times we did a bunch of shit? And he called back and he goes, What was in that thing? He goes, it was there when you wrecked

George at the UFC in Newark, and he couldn't even he dropped you off to find parking and then couldn't even find the place. He said, Fuck, it had to go home. What was that? A banana bread? That was off a whole piece of banana bread. I watched the decline. It was like Rome going backwards. I seen him driving from 60. And by the time he was doing 20 to 18 miles an hour and making right turns on my Georgia. Okay. And he's like, man, I'm fucking high. And he got back and he didn't get out of the car. I left him and he made a U-turn in Newark. I went into a black neighborhood and got scared. And he said he couldn't stop the car. He drove right home. He said he sat in the shower for like three hours. But this this last batch of fucking

Anthony Dolores has the 500 milligram brownie that I tell you what, I think she's wrong. I think there's too much. Yeah, I think there's I think there's more than 500 milligrams in there. I don't think she's wrong in the dose because I've eaten 500 milligrams in pieces. Like, I'll eat like a Chibo chew at like two o'clock and then I'll get somewhere. Yeah, I could do like 125, you know, but fucking the Chibo chew she gave us in San Jose that time. The Anthony Dolores, the 500 milligram. That time I took a little piece of that. And I had to fucking sit down. I'm a big guy. I eat THC. I had to sit down and order chicken fingers quickly, quickly. Like I was going, I was, yeah, I was going down quickly.

Yeah. Yeah, I was going down. So I had that situation. And then there was another time I ate all and my daughter was born about right after. No, she was a little bigger and I ate one on a Saturday morning, not the whole thing. Harry, a little slice of it. And I sat down and my wife was like, I got to go to yoga. Can you watch? And I said, you sure? And in the middle of watching, it was where I realized how fucking high I was. And I couldn't get up to Pete. She weighed like 800 pounds. She weighed fucking 10 pounds, 12 pounds. I couldn't get up. And then, uh, no. And then this last time in New York on stage at Gotham's, I was pretty fucked up that night. That's sad. Or for fucking anti Dolores, I cut the thing five ways. So if you cut out 500 milligram

brownie five ways, it's 100 milligrams a piece. Yeah, that ain't nothing. That ain't nothing. That's a, that's a buzz. That's a buzz. Let me tell you something. Two of my friends, I don't fuck with. Yeah. One of my friends, you know, when you hit somebody and they get up and you have somebody carry him like one guy on your right and one guy on your left. That's how he walked out of there with his wife and his friend. We're walking them out of there. The other one of my arm over their shoulders. Yeah, that type of shit. The other one of my friends looked fucking out of it. My niece Kelly was fucking hammered. She said she had to pull over and eat like six Dunkin Donuts right off the bat. She said right when she got to Jersey. She told me the

next day, she goes, what was in that? I go, why? What happened? She goes, I went right to Dunkin Donuts on Kennedy Boulevard. And she goes, I ordered 12, but I ate six before I could start the car up and had a half a cup of coffee. And then she goes, I went home and when I woke up, I was hot. I had to go get a three egg omelet at the fucking diner. Yeah. When you wake up, Oh, that's a whole day. It feels like you're just groggy. And then you're like, all right, whatever, I just woke up and groggy. No big deal. And then 30 minutes passes, you know, I gotta wake up a little bit. And then an hour passes, you know, like, oh, I ain't groggy. I'm up. I'm stoned. Well, once you go on the shower, once you go on the shower and then you have

coffee and you still have that feeling, you just accept it after that. You're like, I guess I'm starting my day off in this fucking cloud of debt. And that's what that brownie is with Manty Dolores. It really is death. And I go to these different weed stores. And I assume that that thing would move. It sits there. People are scared of it. Yeah, people are scared of it. They just sold the last two. I had no organic. They just sold the last two. And they saw I haven't been in the other one all week since because I got a bag of edibles at the fucking house. I can't get away from it. I got the dabbers. I got the fucking gummies. And I still got a bag of hybrid chibo chews sitting there for the fucking taken. That's how fucking stoned I am. And this week

I'm shooting that thing tomorrow. And then I'm going to Oregon Friday and Saturday. I'll have to tell you how crazy and how fucking what you should put the 99 again. Yeah, yeah, I got one more day tomorrow. Nice. Today I got to go your blood at 10 o'clock, which I'm fucking sweating, but I'm just going to bring my iPod and put on black Sabbath and look the other way. But I tell you what, I've been working on this story a little bit. And I'm excited about this. I really? Yeah, because I've written three stories. I just don't know. None of them are 15 minutes long, which means I got to mix them. Right. Well, you can go 10. Yeah, I got to figure out how to fucking mix this shit. This is now I don't want to give anything away if people see it. But like

this is the one you're going to talk about outside Yankee Stadium. Yeah, well, I'm going to mix that with what happened to me. You know, I don't know. I don't know. I have a couple of different options, but I'll tell you, I'm looking fucking forward to it. This is this is really cool. I'm really happy to line up this time. It's like everybody's really good. David Kekner is doing it. Okay, so what time does it start man? Seven o'clock and nine o'clock, right? No, 739 30 tickets are online free. I'll tweet about them. I'll tweet the link right now. What do you got going on this weekend? I'm just running that set. I got like fucking five spots on Friday and six on Saturday. Five sets on Friday. Five fucking sets on Friday.

And you got you have you have the cellar out of the cellar since Thursday. Yeah. And then you have the stands probably. Yeah. And stand in New York. Stand in New York. Wow. Are you fucking on your own back and forth in all of them? You got to get a cape. What's dice one? He came by the cellar. He was telling her and his wife, I don't believe you moved. I'm like, well, what do you want me to do? Because I know what you're pulling on me. I'm like, I didn't even tell you I was leaving. What do you mean pulling on you? He goes, it ain't gonna work. All right. And he just fucking around, but he went there.

And it was cool. He was there. Louis, he came there. We all talked for a while. It was nice. Did he get on stage? No, he said he went down there. He said he's got a rest as well. He's doing so much stand up. You know, it's like he says he's always afraid of like, I can't get sick now. I can't get sick right now. He's always like in the world. But he's got a lot of heat off that blue jazz and thing. Oh, yeah, they say he's great. They say he's fucking great at it. They say he's I almost saw it last night. I once went to see it last night. I got to watch it. But yeah, him and Louis talked. They were both in the movie together. So they were talking for a while. I don't know. It's cool.

It's always cool down there at the cellar. You know, you're having a good time. You're probably having a fucking good time. I still remember that skinny little fucking nerdy guy at the store on fucking the weekend, walking around tall and bumping into shit. Yeah. And you see how I change there at the store. That's why I change. Yeah. And you see how everything evolves. Are we like when you first got it, you're a big commercial guy. Now you don't give a fuck. You're like, I don't give a fuck about commercials no more. Give them to me. If you want back there. Aqua's over there. You got you put a fucking an extension on fucking Aqua's fucking house on the Koreans house. You made so much fucking money with those commercials and shit.

Now you're doing well with life. It was great. It was a great way to make money to give like fucking big comedy. Yeah, it really is. It does free up. Let me ask you something, Mari. We were talking about something early on. What was what was a disappointment early on in your comedy career that would have made other people quit? Did you ever have one of those? Like, you know, I know First of all, it was messy, messy. 34 showcases. 34 times I had to go from front of her. My god. 32 times she said no, no, no, no. I went to the main room and I threw chairs. I'd be like, well, how about that? No, I'm not even close. You kidding me? I was awful. I went to the main room. I threw chairs around when it was closed. I was just like,

just those pepper tantrums. I remember the only time I ever asked for a blow job. I got home and my girlfriend at the time. I was just disappointed. I thought that was going to be the day because I said, I asked her if she could watch me just to give me some advice. She goes, yeah, I set up a showcase. So I asked Corey, Princess Corey and set it up. She goes, oh, this is big for you. And I started getting in my head. I'm like, oh, this is big for me. Really? I just wanted some advice. I missed it. And everybody started talking about it. It was a big moment. And then she was like, no, like real, real harsh. Didn't even, didn't even try to sugarcoat it for anybody. It's just no,

feed it. And I got home and I was so sad and my girlfriend was like, you're right. I was like, can I just, can I just have a blow job? I just want to forget for a minute. That would have made most people quit. Fucking Comedy Central never saying yes for 12 years would have made people quit. I couldn't even do six minutes on that. I have my best showcase of all time, but live at Gotham. Best showcase I've ever done. And I was like, well, if they don't dig me now, they just don't like me. Well, they just don't like me. It really is amazing when the pain changes. When I first, you get like this initial pain

and then to sue that you go, you know what, they just don't like you. And that makes it easier. That makes it so much easier. Oh, no, it's real. You just don't like it. Nothing to do with my talent. And you guys don't know anything. You were in college two years ago. You don't know. I mean, I know comedy, but you do. It's okay. When you realize like who cares if one guy doesn't like you. It's funny that I bumped into when I went to Denver last week, one of the biggest accomplishments wasn't opening up for Dave Chappelle. Chappelle gave me a hug. I was really happy to see him. He was happy to see all that shit. It was really great, Ari.

The highlight of the night was when I had to talk to Wendy from the comedy works. She had to say hello to me. How was that? That was tremendous because I finally... How long has it been since you talked to her? The last time I had a conversation with Wendy was March of 1995 when she called me and she told me I was banned from the comedy works. Okay. Right. And guys, Ari, you know, again, that's like a disappointing thing. At that point in my life, at that point in my life, I thought that if I would get discovered, I would get enough money to get an attorney to try to fight for my daughter back. There were so many little variables, which you don't know.

That's why you don't know who you're cutting off and flipping the finger to. You know, it could be me or it could be the flying Jew. It could be you and we could be having a good day and go, we don't give a fuck about your finger. It could also be the day for somebody when they take their car, their wife leaves them, they have nothing to lose and they'll take that gun and shoot you in the fucking head. Yeah. And at that time, Ari, I wanted to kill my ex-wife. You know, I was broke. I was doing blow. I mean, there were so many variables and I got a call from Wendy, because the only bright light I had, I was doing star showcases at the comedy works, which are 10 minute spots before they make you a regular. Yeah. That's mind boggling

for a guy like me. You know how big it is to be a part of something like that in Denver, when you're doing comedy two or three years. And I get this call from Wendy saying, you can't do this. You got sexual harassment. This girl didn't file charges. She didn't have enough. But she said that you grabbed her ass. I was fucking heartbroken. But I knew that I couldn't sit there and wallow. So I had to pick up and leave. And so there's two ways to look at this. I could have told Wendy to go to Seattle or you go to LA after that. I went to Seattle. I went to Seattle, June 25th, 1985. I didn't even have all the money. I had two licenses then, because I had bought one, like I got one. And then I thought I lost it. So I got a duplicate and I found the one.

And to get out of town, I had like $80. So to fill up my tank, I went to the gas station in the corner and told them I left my wallet home and I just gave my license to hold. And I did my first triple run. It was in Ogden, Utah. But the moral of the story is, Army, you know what? If she wouldn't have thrown me out of the Denver County works, where would I be today? Would I still be in Boulder? Would I have been in jail just getting out for killing those dumb motherfuckers, my ex-wife, my boyfriend? There would have been so many options. So yeah, I was upset for a while when she told Joe Rogan. I didn't like how it went out and all that stuff. But thinking later on, I had to think about what Wendy did for me. She did me a fucking favor. So when she came over

to me and we talked, I finally, after 20 minutes or just the overall stuff, that came up. And I said, Wendy, I got to tell you how I feel. You saved my life. You made me a career by you throwing me out because it's the truth. Let's face it. If she wouldn't have thrown me out of Denver, I would have let my loyalties take over. And I would have fucking stayed there and tried to be a father the whole time getting kicked in the fucking stomach the whole time. I would have tried to make $3 to get four taken away from me. Eventually, Army, I would have snapped between the blow and my life and no comedy and doing fucking gigs in Wyoming on the weekend, you know, following a magician. I would have fucking killed somebody. So I told her the truth. I told her the truth.

But here's where it gets better. While I'm talking to us, guess who walks up? That's that Rick Greenstein. Oh, what I always knew was I always had heard this one. Which one? The guy that was there. The guy that was that gersh that fired Joe Rogan fired with that. He represented those and all that shit. He was doing that time. He was the one that told Joe Rogan to call Carlos and apologize. He goes, look, Joe, nobody wanted to go this far. And Joe was like, I did. I wanted to go further. What are you talking about? I mean, it was horrible. But he was always when they did that tour, he's the one that didn't want me and you on the tour. You know, he really was he really was an advocate against us. So without knowing that he is standing

with his dumb fuck that cunt. He stand there with his cowboy hat. And all of a sudden, Wendy goes, do you know Rick Greenstein? He very reluctantly puts his hand up me. I could have said something. I just put my hand up in sugar like fuck you, whatever. The next morning I get to the plane and I took an economy select flight, you know, the seats behind first class there, they're bigger. And I got the whole road on myself. And I see the kid from live nation. And he goes, you know, Rick Greenstein's on this flight. And I go, this fucking douchebag and sure enough, I'm sitting there. I'm the first row behind first class. I'm thinking Rick Greenstein, Dave Chappelle's agent is going to be your first class. This fucking Momo walks past me.

And I look at him and I'm like, so you Dave Chappelle's managing, you're sitting in coach, you fucking mutt, you know, and that was like, here I am in economy plus I want mutt, but at least I'm an economy plus motherfucker. At least I got more leg room, bitch. You're sitting back there with those fucking Expedia tickets with sitting next to a guy with handcuffs on and shit. And you're supposed to be some fucking, that's what you get for being a thief manga. You know, and people like that, like you look at no never get it because they're stupid. You know, I'm like that with some people like I don't like them because they are talented or whatever. And you say that person's not talented, but they're funny. But that to me was a personal

fucking victory seeing that fucking mutt. You know, yeah, it's all past you. You know, Madonna, you know Madonna about seven years ago auction off a letter or all the people that told her no. Did you ever hear? She wrote two pages or three pages of all the people that turned her down the beginning that told that she had no talent and she had the original letters. Did you know that? How many people ran for cover when that bitch released those fucking letters? People who told that she had no talent. Oh, that's kind of shit will shut you down. That kind of shit will shut you down because if you didn't believe in Madonna in 83, who the fuck are you? All your friends. Yeah. She's talking about you. You said no to Madonna.

You didn't know the Madonna. Well, she came in wearing a yellow beret. Fuck you. Shut up, yellow beret. You should have seen it more on your fucking mom. So what's it, baby? We're on for Tuesday, eight o'clock. Bring the reefer. Bring the fucking edibles. We're gonna be down there. I'm not gonna eat no edibles two days before. So everything was good. You were high off your mind last. Oh, I was too. I can't do that shit. No more. I gotta give these people a fuck. I gotta give these people a show. Ari, I'm happy that you're becoming the fucking comedian that you're becoming. You've always been a good guy. So I'm fucking happy. So I have a, I have some boomy bass for you Tuesday for sure. All right. Okay. When do you get, when do you get

into town? I get it on Sunday. Okay. I'll see you Monday for sure. I love you, cocksucker. Okay. Go back and eat that girl's pussy. You filthy motherfucker. One more time before. One more time before you go to work. Let me eat that fucking asshole. Yeah. That fucking hemorrhoid juice for breakfast that'll kill bad breath and everything. You squeeze out there like a fucking grape on a vine. You nasty motherfucker. Have a good day, brother. All right. Thank you. All right. Don't forget about me. What's the story where you're sitting there all stoned and shit? Yeah. His show is the first show I ever went to see in LA.

The storyteller ones, it was bad jobs. I don't think it was that one. It was like one or two after. Like as the first one, I went with two friends. Second one, I just went by myself. Like last time I went to comedy by myself. I always go. But it was one of the ones and you were shooting a Disney show and you were on the list. Super ninjas. It was before, no, it was before we even worked together. And I tweeted at you and I said, I always did because Ari said you had a movie or something. And you said to me, like it was like the first tweet I ever did. And you're like, it's a TV show. Let you guys know when it comes out or something. And it was like, I was just thinking like that. It was a storyteller about bad jobs. And it was the first

comedy show I saw in LA. Yeah. Almost three years ago. That's when I did super ninjas and they gave me a contract. Let's have a background check. I'm sitting there going, I won't be back here tomorrow. But I was there tomorrow, bitches. Anyway, I'm feeling good today. I'm happy. Everything was good. I went to Acupuncture yesterday. I went to the Y last night, but it's not all that shit. It's also you got to take care of the other stuff. And that's where honor comes in. You know, I preach about this shit every fucking day. I'm not going to tell you that you're going to see through walls, jump through mirrors and drop on walls. And when we on the take refresh out the box, you can hear our sounds from blocks and blocks. No, you want to feel better. You want to

feel a little better. You want to feel sharper. Do me a favor. Just get those little packages. If you just want to mix the alpha brain up with the fucking shroom tech, I don't want to go over this again. Guys, make the decision. You got to do something. Even if you walk around the block and take a few fucking alpha brains and sniff your feet, I don't give a fuck what you do. Go on it. In the box. What do you press? Church. Church. C-H-U-R-C-H. Bang. There you have it. You have yourself. You get 10% off. You get put on the list. Hopefully you'll mail your winter fucking trip to fucking Aruba. You do some acid and jump out of a helicopter. Right. There you have it there. What are you doing this weekend? What's the story? I'm sorry about fucking you

over with the podcast. In fact, I got to get a hold of Bam Bam Healy and let them know it's crack or lacking. We'll have, we'll have them call up next week and we'll talk to them and say, he's a good dude. Yeah, I'm sorry that he lost against that guy. And I'm sorry to Portland, but we'll be up there Friday and Saturday. But what you're saying, Joey, what am I going to do fucking Thursday night? This is what you're going to do Thursday night. You're going to go to Hulu Plus. Okay. And you're going to put the code word in one. Joey. Joey. Boom. You're going to get two free weeks for free. Yeah. Just give me ATM. But even if I got $3 on it, who give a fuck? Go on there. Get two free weeks. Free. Who gots? Free. That's it. Done. That's got movies. I don't

know what they got this fucking week. My wife was watching that last night before last night. We're watching Sons of Anarchy. So go to Hulu Plus. Get your two free weeks. And after that, $7.99 a month. That's $96 a fucking year. That's what most fucking cable systems are a month. And I'm going to trim it down for you for a fucking year. $96. Hulu Plus.com press. Joey. There you go. Caught sucker. How you doing? I was doing. Sons of anarchy alert. Sons of anarchy alert. Fat man alert. Fat man alert. Jesus. Sons of anarchy was pretty fucking good last night. Oh, it picked up. It's busting open now. It's busting open. He's going up against Donald Loog, Custison, aka Jack Teller. He looks like Justice in a little bit. But Jack's Teller's a bad motherfucker.

Somebody told me a really good story there. The Agostino said that he thinks that at the end, Clay Marl is going to really be Jack Teller's father. That it was all a lie. That she was fucking around. That he really was her for the kid's father. It's pretty interesting. Is this the last season of it? No, I think they got one more. But fucking tremendous. It's really opening it up now. Clay Marl is with the Black guys now in segregation. He steps on white dude in the fucking neck last night. You know, what's his name? He's gone. The cops are looking for the fucking gun that shot the school up. So it's very good. Kurt Souther's doing a great job with it, man. Last week was one of those. And I know what happened last week. Last week was one of

those episodes where they're setting everything up. Bam, bam, bam, bam. They're just setting everything up. But it's a great show. And I watched it. It's my entertainment valley on a Tuesday. I watched it till 8.12. I spoke to you. And I went to the YMCA. I made the best of both fucking worlds. I did the Epileptical for 40. I hit the bag for 20. I stretched. I cooled down. I went fucking home, fell asleep and smoked some pot. What do you want from me? You know what I'm saying? You know, I'm a fucking segregated type bitch. What's up with you, cocksucker? When does this juicing start? Tuesday. That's Tuesday. So you're going to come to the fucking story teller show with Kale on your breath and cucumber and shit. Huh? I guess. And what are you doing with the mama

this week? Put the cape on and tie her up and play Mexican music? What do you think? You ever give her a stabbing with mariachi music? No, no. I don't think we have any like concrete plans. You got to put a little Mexican hat on with those little hats. That's what you should get. You shouldn't get one of the robes. You got to have one of those fucking ponchos and just walk around naked and just flip open and show a little Cuban fucking Jew soldier. He got it every fucking hour. How do you smoke joints for the entire two hour show? How do you do that? It's a state of mind. It's a state of mind. And I got to go for a blood test, which means I'm definitely going to pass out, but I'm like Tupac and fucking 90, whatever. Your blood's going to

be green. Who gives a fuck that I don't even want to. I hope the fucking needle gets stuck on a stem in my arm. You know what I'm saying? Like he gets like a seed popped into the needle and nothing comes out like just green juice. I don't give a fuck. Did I give you a shout out today? No, you did not. What the fuck, Lee? You're slipping, dude. You're slipping, cock sucker. The brain food, I love you, motherfucker, is brain food medicine. Bung One Projects. Burn One Project. I like you like Lewis Martinez. The shirts are coming. Daniel Riley, who loves you. Cassius Morris, your little black motherfucker. Who loves you more than me, little 14 year old cock sucker. One of the best in the business. Fucking Cassius Morris. My man, water box is sticking up to me

against that fucking Christian dude. I saw that. Lee yesterday was all mad. He didn't know what had happened. You know, Twitter gets out of control sometimes. Some fucking kid, 15 calling me immature. I'm like, you fucking 15. Go eat that black chick's ass. You got to picture him as some fucking black chick that he said. You know what I mean? The Bible. If I want to read a Bible with a black chick, get the fuck out of here. Yeah, people attacked him. It was a water box and this other dude. Fuck it. And here's where it gets ugly. I fucking got into it with the guy at eight in the morning, Sunday morning. It's okay. I'm a loser. I do. I have a life all day Sunday. I get back on Twitter about six. It's still going on. Yeah. There's still torture in this guy. That's a lot. Water

box is a soldier. Water box is don't give a fuck. Water box, it would have been on fucking Apocalypse now. He would have been on the boat. You know what I'm saying? I know exactly what you're saying. Look at the shape of you. How do you want to drive to work? Let's smoke some more. I got a goomy bath for you. You want a goomy bath? Like a third to get you started, get the wings going? I'm not going to work if I have a goomy. Since I'm taking tomorrow off, maybe I'll do it one tomorrow. Hang out here, play video games all day. Yeah, but you got no fucking, no podcast tomorrow. People want to hear your story. You were very funny. You were very funny live podcast. I didn't talk much. That's all we don't want when you talk. Just to look on your face.

Jesus. Look good. You know what I'm saying? You bad motherfuckers. This is what happened in San Jose. What happened in San Jose? I can't move when you give me those edibles. I don't like it. I don't, I like, listen, do I ever want you to move? Yes. I'm trying to time when you do a few jumping jacks. I want you to dance a little bit, but that's it. I don't need you moving. Who wants you to move? What do you want? What is the circus? The fucking soleil? I don't want you moving. I want you to be you, Lee. That's it. Just be you. Stony, giggly, you know? Yeah. Your hair's growing. You're looking good. You're doing some shit in your head, dude. Nothing. It's cool. See the reefer, that edible. It grows your hairs out. I'll give you a gummy bear every day for a week. You'll have

a fucking pompadour when I get through with you. You'll be like fucking a Jew Elvis. I can't, I don't like the whole waking up stone thing. Like it's happened a couple. I don't mind feeling a little bit nice. Like after I have an edible, like if I have it early in the day, like I feel nice the next day, but with you, when I eat it late, I wake up the next day and I'm like, I'm still, like I wake up and I'm all disappointed. I thought sleeping would make it go away. Will you go for a nice steak and eggs? Like a soul? I don't go nowhere. I stay in bed and close my eyes. When was the last time you went and got a nice steak and eggs in the morning? I've never had steak and eggs for breakfast. Why not? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Because it's steak for breakfast. Listen, you don't get a fucking T-Bone from Auntie Chang, it's a big one. What do you got? You get yourself a little one, like a six ounce nice rib. You cut it up nice with some fucking onions, and you put it over the toast. Oh, that sounds good. You make the three eggs, you fry the eggs up, right? Yeah, I think two potatoes. Potatoes are overkill. You get fruit, little watermelon, little green melon, maybe an apple. And you take that fucking steak and you cut it up and you eat that juicy steak, and you take that white bread and you dip it in that fucking yolk. Come on, huh? Who's better than you? Eat that fucking yolk and you drink a big glass

of water and some vitamins, then you walk home, you take a nice big shit, maybe a little cup of oatmeal, you know what I'm saying? Keep everything normal, some coffee, you come home, you dump that fucking soldier, and you take a little hour and a half nap. Who's going to stop you? Countries can't stop you. You go walk into fucking Syria solo naked with a bomb strapped onto your body with fucking, you know what I'm saying? I lost you to Syria. But the fuck me, cocksucker? It's Wednesday, you bad motherfuckers. I'm happy you're listening. I'm happy here. I want to thank Ari Shafir. I want to thank all you motherfuckers for being soldiers. Like I said, Friday and Saturday, we're in Portland. Then Chicago got canceled because next week I'm doing a movie.

For two weeks, I'm doing a movie. I'm shooting Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and then the following week, I'm shooting like Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, right here down the block, we come home and steal some grapes and shit. So we're going to do some fucking, then after that, the week after that, I'm in San Francisco, then I'm in Ontario. With Ari, right? Then I'm in Jackson fucking Tennessee on a Saturday night. Oh, shit. And that's it. Then it's Halloween. And then we have the podcast, the live one, the 30th, the night before Halloween, we have a Devil's Night fucking podcast. It's going to be crazy. You know what Devil's Night is?

Yeah, the kids go out and they create havoc. I don't know. That's right. I don't know what they said in the 30s. They bully fucking kids. They beat people up. They hit their fucking nutsack with hammers. What did you do? What did I do? You don't want to know what I did. All right, cut a second. I'm going to ask questions. What are you going to do? You're going to go to work? I'm going to smoke this other fucking number. What's the Tupac? What are you going to do? Stop scratching. What are you scratching? I have no idea.

You're scratching your ass. Like it's probably red. My leg. I'm scratching my leg. What are you on your leg? You got angina? What are you on? I got fucking whatever that weed was. Oh, one last thing before we go. DollarShaveClub.com. I knew all about this. I was going to drop it on you in a second here. Okay. I'm getting more and more fucking emails every day about that. Listen,

if you listen to the podcast and you're a guy, unless your wife works with one of the fucking companies, if you're not getting Dollar Shave Club, you're slipping, especially the $6 package, the his and hers, those raises are fucking phenomenal. She could use them. You could use them. $6 for both. You used to fucking use raises. She shaves her pussy. You shave your fucking face. You could sniff her little monkey and your fucking razor. That's a party where I come from. You know what I'm saying? Right in the shower, you're shaving your mustache. You're trimming your little Hitler and you're banging one out. You're following me with Dollar Shave Club.

The peppermint wipes, they burn your ass. That's that $9 package, which isn't bad. If you got a hemorrhoid, you can't use the peppermint. But if you don't have a hemorrhoid, bust out that candy cane asshole, somebody's sniffing that fucking muffler. For $9, you get the easy wipe. You get the razor. You get the shaving butter. $9 a fucking month, people. $9 a fucking month. Are you kidding me? That's $108 a year for shaving products and all your shit. So for a $200 a fucking year, you get the television, Hulu, and you got that shit. Who's bet? What do they got to do? They got to press in church. Where? At DollarShaveClub.com.

That's it. That's how easy I make it for you. $6 or if you're fucking broke, whatever I understand. Get the $1 razor package. One fucking dollar. It ships right to your house. You don't have to leave and go to CVS and stand behind some fucking guy with a turban who smells like fucking onions and hummus. You don't need that shit in your fucking life. You don't need that shit. You know? The fuck, Lee. That's it. I love you guys. I want you to do the best you can. I'll tell you it's all about the no, I won't see you with the tutoring. I'm excited. I'm like a little fucking kid. You know, I'm sick and tired of being stupid. And listen, this ain't gonna make me any smarter. I'm not gonna be a stupider. Is that a word stupider? Do you say estupider? At least

Spanish. No, well, yeah, it can't hurt you. Yeah, it can't hurt, man. Knowledge is power. Right or wrong. They say I'm already explorer all the fucking time. Knowledge is power, bitches. As long as you got that going on. I feel like we're making a back to school coming on. And I'll tell you what, guys, I hope you learned something today. And what you're learning today is don't fucking quit. Don't let nobody fucking write out your dream. Not at all. Take it all, suck your dick at the end of the fucking one. Listen, if you keep working hard, they ain't gonna fucking stop you. If you keep putting fucking bullets in your gun, they're not gonna stop you. It's just ammunition. When people tell me no,

it feeds my fucking ego. It feeds it. Really, you don't want me. I'm gonna work hard. And when you do see me, you fucked up. You made a fucking mistake. That's it. You know, don't let nobody stop your dream. They're making a mistake. Say a prayer for them, and hopefully they'll get hit by a fucking train or something like that. What do you got for me, Lee? Break it down. That's it, dude. I mean, I love you guys. That's it. Don't fucking quit. Don't let nobody fuck with you. You just heard from Ari, how mitzy. I tell you all my fucking personal secrets. Fuck these motherfuckers in the ass. Take them all down. Fuck them. It's Wednesday, the 25th. By the end of the year, you're gonna do something with your fucking life. And if not, who gives a fuck? Get

your dick sucked, and end the day on a fucking salute. All right? Absolutely. Who's better than you? What do you got for me, Lee? Nothing. Now that the show's over, don't forget to sign up for your free trial of Hulu Plus. Free. Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of hit shows, thousands. Anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. Support this podcast and get an extended free trial of Hulu Plus. Free. When you go to huluplus.com slash joey, or go to joeyds.net and click on the Hulu Plus banner. And also, don't forget to sign up for dollarshaveclub.com. You'll get high quality razors sent to your door every month for a fraction of what you pay at retail. Now go to dollarshaveclub.com forward slash church,

or go to joeyds.net and click on the dollarshaveclub banner. And go to Onnet and get the whole fucking package completed, right? Have a great weekend. Stay black, Uncle Joey, and the flying jewel of you. Hit it, Lee. Oh, shit. Break out that reefer. Tell that bitch he's gonna work late. You're gonna eat that ass. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What? Oh, shit. I'm a bitch and money rider, but I take him home. Yeah, he don't like to complicate what you make at the feet. And my bitches that's a rider to catch you while she's hot. And who's going for cider? Then I split some game in the ear, go to the tennis court. He put with money in the beer. This bitch in bed broke. I'm smoking bomb ass leaves in the kitchen. From player to player,

to get fired in his future. From hustling to breaking. So breaking motherfuckers to pay. I got the time when he fit because he's trying to play.