Uncle Joey's Joint with Joey Diaz - The White Castle Incident

Episode Date: May 20, 2025

Go on a ride with Joey Diaz and Lee Syatt in the new episode of The Church. Joey and Lee talk the Mexican Navy running into the Brooklyn Bridge, why Joey will never eat there again, Joey tells Lee why he proposed over the phone after nine years and much more! Support the show and get your first month of BlueChew free. Press in promo code JOEY at https://www.bluechew.com Get Huel today with this exclusive offer for new customers of 15% off + a FREE gift (Minimum $75 purchase) with code CHURCH at https://huel.com/CHURCH Produced by: Andrew Houston & Joe Russo @andyfromontario @joerussomarketing on Instagram

What's happening you savages? Uncle Joey here and my main man, Leesayat. It's the church new testament coming your way. It's Tuesday the 20th of May. Do what you gotta do. Hey, Uncle Joey here. It's a beautiful day to be alive. I wanna talk to you about Blu Chu. Listen, even if the rest of your life is a disaster, you can at least have some great sex with Blue Chew.

In other words, you can sling dick like a fucking animal. Blue Chew helps men be stronger, harder and longer lasting so you have the time to pull out all your tricks in the bedroom. Listen, you can be giving her a stabbing and breaking bottles against the wall. The next day people say, how was the sex? It was tremendous. There was a lot of stuff going on in that room. Listen, just sign up at BlueChu.com. Consult with one of their licensed medical providers and once you get approved, your prescription will

be at your doorstep in days. You're going to love it. The mailman don't even know what he's delivering. Make life easier by getting harder and discovering your options at blue chew dot com And we got a special deal for church listeners. Try your first month of blue chew Absolutely free when you press in promo code Joey joey Just pay the final shipping. That's it. That's promo code Joey and you're gonna change your life You're gonna sling dick like a gladiator. You understand me? You're gonna bust bottles over your head. You're gonna be a fucking savage. Women will be calling you from all over the world Hi, are you available this Saturday? Listen, I'm busy with blue chew visit blue chew comm for more details and important safety

Information and I want to thank blue Chew for sponsoring the show and to help me sling dick at 62 you know I'm saying We're back! What's happening beautiful people? It's Tuesday the 20th of May, Memorial Day weekend, so you got this and Wednesday and then everybody comes off. They're thinking about potato salad and what color they're gonna fucking put the table cloth, you know, whether it should be red and white or blue and gonna fucking put the the tablecloth you know whether it should be red and white or blue and white or whatever the fuck

what's up dog dude it's my it's a it's funny cuz I know you hate it but for people who work like normal jobs weeks like this are like we dream about them listen it's fucking amazing even when I worked even when I was in prison okay we talk I didn't give a fuck I worked, even when I was in prison, okay? What are you talking? I didn't give a fuck about Memorial Day, right? Well, yeah, in prison every day is Memorial Day. Yeah, every day. Not really, you get scabbed, black people yelling.

It's fucking amazing in there. Well, yeah, but did you have a, you did have a job. You had the bakery. Yeah, I had the kitchen. And then the, yeah. I got fired from the bakery. Remember, I almost blew had the kitchen and then the yeah That must fire from the bakery Remember I almost blew up the kitchen right said we got a better job for you. We got something better What happens if you don't want to work?

Cuz that like to work all day for like a dollar Fuck you dog. It's like 25 cents an hour I Was getting like 37 cents an hour and I was like a high-paid dude I was like making buck 80 on the streets 37 cents a Week times five hours or something like that 37 cents a day Times five that's a dollar fifty a fucking day. I was getting ten bucks every two weeks

But I had the fucking bookmaking operation So that's not you have to you have to and then like I don't know if you saw it And I wasn't getting high in that let's get something straight. He did acid $3.00 I'm trying to say is For a joint in a half they call it what matchboxes they call what's the matches with the box that you hit on the side? Yeah, yeah. What's the name? Striker?

I don't know. A little box? A matchbox, that's what they call it. It's 50 bucks for a joint and a half, for fucking regular shit. I don't even know what they were painting there for coke and heroin. I know they do each other's cottons and shit.

Like one guy holds onto it and he gives it to the other guy. Oh, that's nice, isn't it? Yeah. Teamwork. Yeah, HIV for everybody. Everybody gets HIV. Everybody's gonna have a sore and a skinny neck in three years.

Fuck. I don't know if you saw, and I wasn't even planning on talking about it, but what happened, I think it was like New Orleans, like 10 people escaped, because they just ripped the door off of the hinges. In prison? Yeah. Yeah.

It might have been jail. I know there's a difference. But like 10 people escaped. They've caught like three of them. And like the guard said like they stayed away because they were afraid for their safety. Like they ripped the door off the hinges. And then like they took like the sink in the cell and pulled that away And I think it's it's I was on cnn today. It took them like eight hours to realize they were gone

Who the fuck about inmates? How about the mexican ship? Yeah back into the brooklyn bridge Mexicans jumping off the one guy playing the guitar as he's sinking. Oh, what the fuck? Why would you fucking go into the bread? Then You know, they killed like six people, right? Yeah. Killed two people, injured fucking eight, you know. Listen, listen. Columbus was the last Spanish guy. Knock it off.

If you're Spanish, leave it to the fucking white dudes that smuggle weed, whatever. And why do they have a sailboat? How the fuck are you gonna crack into the fucking Brooklyn Bridge? A bunch of people out there. Viva Zapata Selena Gomez was out there Oh poor bastard on a sailboat Did you see that? It's a fucking nightmare. It's it's you know, and I love Mexican people

But what's with the fucking ship leave that to the cartel, you know, I'm saying they're the ones that snuggle and shit Unbelievable the cartel does all that shit. These were amateurs. I gotta be honest the cartel. You know what I'm saying? They're the ones that snuggle and shit. Unbelievable. The cartel does all that shit. These were amateurs. I gotta be honest, the cartel does it better. Yeah, they wouldn't hit a bridge. Not in a sailboat. Those fucking, dude, can you imagine,

like imagine if the bridge went down. Like I don't know how that even happened. Imagine if the bridge would go down from that little faggy boat. I don't know. You gotta hit that with a fucking, you gotta hit that with like one of those Navy ships and shit to rattle the core.

But it was a Navy, but I guess it's a Mexican Navy. Mexican Navy. How many times have you seen a commercial for the Mexican Navy? If they got 200 people, that's a lot. You know what I'm saying? Have you seen, like they have videos of the cartel and they have better equipment than the Mexican armed forces do.

Bro, they got better equipment than fucking, they got everything. They know what everybody else knows. You don't make that type of money and you're going to pay. Let's pretend they pay, they make, I'll just give you a number, realistic number, a billion dollars a year, which is bullshit. Right. They probably pay 250 million in counterintelligence. Yeah.

You know, for that you gotta buy fucking missiles and cameras and fucking, you know, seeing the dark shit. It's the shit the government has. Probably even better. And when you say intelligence, what do you think it's like, does that include paying people off at the border? What do you mean? All that, even more.

That's a complete different envelope. This is an envelope that just goes to like DEA, they buy CIA files, they buy everything They buy everything with that type of money You know, it's no money. No, no numbers big enough Yes guys make a lot of fucking money Lee truckloads at a fucking time And what is what is what was fucking Escobar making in his heyday that he made the Forbes fucking list? He was making I think it was six million a day. Probably, yeah.

Six million a day, that's 42 million a week. Are you fucking kidding me? What can't you buy? Even if he takes the shipment and go, you know what, I'm just gonna get my dick sucked on this drippler. He can just light the fuck, he, when he froze, he burnt $100,000, a million dollars to keep his family warm.

Right. With matches, who does that? Who burns a million dollars? I gotta be, I don't, they'd have to be really cold for me to have to burn a hundred thousand. Oh, but you're Jewish. Would you burn a hundred thousand? Fuck for my family, fuck, you gotta keep warm, a million.

When you have, what I just said. Yeah, when you have that amount. When you family fuck you to keep more a million when you have? What yeah when you have that man when you have 42 million what's a million? When you have 42 million and you got another 42 million coming in next week What's a million you would think that but that's how I shoot even if I shoot the operation down after May I still got fucking You know after May I still got fucking you know 84 million coming to me in two weeks that'll make me laugh for a long time when you dude I can't I don't know why

people don't quit when they have that much money because think about it you want more fucking money look at Elon Musk why didn't he quit he doesn't have cartel money he passed pretty close to it all those guys all those guys in the fucking Forbes list those top ten guys they got dough they got loot yeah it's like I was watching that stupid show last night he robbed a nine hundred thousand dollar chain from some chick for somebody a woman for your husband to buy you pretty much a million dollar chain They gotta have 30 million in the bank

Let me buy her a million dollar chain. That's gonna sit in the fucking drawer is an investment And it got robbed. We have on this TV show. Okay, but who spends $900,000 that's fucking shit money. That's I I don't even that's so much money that I don't even it can't even wrap my head around no You're not supposed to so mind your business. You know I'm saying what are you worried about 42 million dollars? What we get me all hot and bothered? I was only almost start selling coke again I'll tell you what happened to me this fucking weekend. Parks was great, last week was great, Sunday,

I went to little Joey's eighth or ninth birthday party. And I get there, I go inside, it's like one o'clock, got a couple of numbers in me, and right away they got like really good Italian sandwiches, but they had little ones, you know, little bite-sized ones. And I go, you know what, this will hold me over till the dinner at four or five. Say a little piece of sandwich, fucking great bread, great Coke, I'm good.

I didn't wanna sit in the house no more. It was a nice day, so I went outside. And I'm sitting outside there. They ordered cases of fucking White Castle. Oh shit. So I'm sitting there minding my own business, watching the kids play, talking to some of the parents, and one of the kids goes, Joe, you want a White Castle?

And I go, you know what? I'll take a White Castle. And I ate one, I'm like, this is pretty fucking good. And then I ate another one, and you're like, this is pretty good, but I didn't touch the fries, and I only ate two. I usually eat three. With a little small slider, thanks.

Yeah, I usually eat three, but today I eat two. And it's funny, when you move here, like I did, you know, I went to White Castle the first time with my wife and daughter. Everybody loved it. You should have seen them on the way home. You thought I fucking introduced them to the fucking, you know, Johnny Van Butte. Then like the second time, they were all like a little hesitant. Like, I don't know, if you want to go get them, we'll wait for you.

And then when I brought them home, I went up a few hours later, it was like maybe two or three missing. And then one day I asked Marcia, you just want to go to White Castle? She's like, not in a million years, Dad. And I'm like, why? And she goes, Dad, my stomach got really sick last time for a couple days.

And I'm like, ah, she's young, my stomach don't get sick. Let me tell you something. I went home last night, I relaxed, I smoked some dough, but got the week ready. This morning I got up, took a shower, ate breakfast. When I was driving around this morning, I'm like, man, my stomach feels funky, right? And then I had to go to the gym.

And as I was driving to the boxing gym, I'm like, oh, this is not gonna work out. No. But they got a nice bathroom at the boxing gym, I'm like, oh, this is not gonna work out. No. But they got a nice bathroom at the boxing gym. It's never dirty. They always clean it, they keep it clean. So I went, and while I was at the boxing gym, I had to shit, but I bought a container of pineapple juice.

They have fresh squeezed pineapple juice, and I got one on the way home, and I drank on the way home, 10 minutes from the house, I'm like, I'm gonna fucking die. I'm gonna die, right? I'm gonna hit the fucking right turn to go on to Willow. I smelt an odor that I haven't smelt in years, okay? It's like when you have a dead body, you try to move it,

and it's got that last part in it, and it fucking lets it go, and that's the worst part, you'll ever smell. So, that is the worst. I think everyone can relate to that. Somebody's dead for like three hours, you try to move the body and you'll hear that last, well, you smell that shit.

So dog, I went to the bathroom, I went to the basement bathroom and I just unleashed pain, fury, anger, everything came out of my ass hole. Dog, I had to light two candles, open up the garage door, open up the door to the garage, and open up the back door, and I had to spray for breeze. I left for like two or three hours, I came back, it was worse, had to put the fart fan on,

I will never touch White Castle as long as I fucking live again. I don't know where that odor came from, but I don't wanna smell it again. Dude, but sometimes you need it. Like, if you ever need to take it. No, you don't need that shit in your life. You don't need that.

If I want that smell, I drive on the parkway in our park and sit there for 10 minutes and ah-ga-ga-ga-ga and smell it, that fucking rotten ass. But you never feel like you have to take a shit and you're like, okay, I'll get White Castle now. Not like that. Was that bad? Yeah, the odor was not, no, no. If a doctor would have walked by,

they would have called an ambulance. They would have said. Someone's dead in there? That horse died, something happened in there. It was not good, guys. And you didn't do that at the gym? Because I know you hate when people take shits at the gym. No, but if it's an emergency, listen,

before I go to the gym bathroom, I'll look outside and see if there's a palm tree or something like that. I have no shame with taking the good shit outside, okay? The only thing with my age, you can't do it close to a school. Because then fucking, you know. I'm a sexual offender. I think that's really anyone's age.

I'm a sexual offender that takes shits in front of kids. I don't wanna do 30 years for that shit, so. You know, so I don't wanna do time 30 years for that shit. So I don't want to do time for that. So I just. You'd rather, and obviously not in front of. This bathroom is clean though, very, very clean. But it didn't seep out into the gym? And there weren't a lot of people there.

Thank God. So I wouldn't have minded. It's when there's 200 people in the gym and you open up the door after you dump your liver and next thing you know there's three women waiting to go to the bathroom and you're like, I can't come back here for a week. I can't come back here for 10 days. I can't come back here at this time slot again.

Cause these women are all gonna see me and go, that dude no bueno, that motherfucker. See I'm surprised you get him. I would think knowing, if I had to guess, I thought you'd do the exact opposite like if you saw some women who you thought like would do that you just like Leave it for them, especially In my world the woman could do whatever the fuck she wants you ever have a woman shit in front of you

It doesn't even smell. I don't know what they do. They carry something that purse Yeah, listen better this Go out with a girl. She'll tell you she has to go to the bathroom after a dinner. That means she's taking a shit They carry something in their purse. They spray, listen, better this. Go out with a girl, she'll tell you she has to go to the bathroom after a dinner. That means she's taking a shit. Bring her back to your house and eat her ass. It doesn't smell like a follicle of poop.

It smells fresh. We can't do that. I take a shit, I take two showers, and my asshole still smells. I know that for a fact, because I always check my muffins. I go, Jesus Christ, I soap it, I loof it, I put conditioner in there. I put everything in my asshole.

And do you do a couple different passes on it, or just one pass? Because if I smelled and it smelled bad, I would do it again. No, but it's clean. It's clean. It's spotless. I know for a fact it's spotless.

It doesn't matter. It's like they have barnacles that stick onto the side. You gotta burn them off with a lighter and it makes flying ass shit. You gotta find yourself somebody who's willing to fucking do something like that. Obviously, I don't think your wife would do that for you. No, no wife would do that.

You gotta go for outside help. You gotta go for it. You gotta find that chick, the Chinese chick that pops the pimples on your neck. That fucking crazy bitch. And burn the barnacles off of your asshole Yeah, but they burn them nice Chinese people know how to dig it like a mouth sparkling like a little sparkler on a stick It's like a laser sparkling And also you just hit some hit the floor and that's it you're back to happy new year. Happy new year cocksucker, but

Philadelphia was really good. We had two shows last week that were very nice. We had Thursday at the Dojo. Saturday. Saturday in Philadelphia. And the Dojo, I was thinking about this, is becoming our little ice house. Yeah, it's very similar to the Stage 2 ice house for sure.

Stage 2 ice house. We were looking for it, and we fucking found it. The utopia. Yeah. We go there, work out, we're doing two Thursdays, the 6th and the 12th or the 6th and the 27th. Something like that. Who the fuck knows? I don't know.

No, 28th I'm at the park. 27th I'm at the park. The 26th I'm at the dojo. It's a Thursday. Nice warm up. Baboom. So the first in the last Thursday Yeah, fuck dude. It's it's funny. I never thought about it like the ice house But you're a hundred percent right because that the ice house always had like the audiences were always energetic game like and they would have small room powerful and

Once you get comfortable in that fucking Type of room once you get comfortable your guts will come out more mm-hmm so that's what's been going on your guts come out more because you're comfortable in that room you're comfortable in that setting and that's what you need a couple workouts in there a week you're tip-top my goo you're not bad but here's and it's not the anything above the dojo but like I had such a good set there on Thursday and I tried to like it was Not ad-libbed but like a different look at what I've been doing and I tried to do it at parks and I went okay

But I think it made me a little bit overconfident like though like that room is so good That it like I got overconfident for other shows. Well you're comparing a hundred people to 1600 people. Right. Okay. Remember I told you once when I first got moved here, I was trying to get back into comedy and what I didn't like about doing comedy then was I lost control of the audience and it was a hundred and forty seat room. I couldn't control him.

I could not fucking control them. It was like, and I've been controlling 140 people all my life. That's the normal number. You know, the comedy store's 180. So I've been running 180 people, 140 all my life. So me, I could control them. I was like, I'm done with comedy.

Something's not working. And then you go to the Dojo and you do a couple workouts in there. You do, you keep showing up and you start getting that control. I don't know if you know what I'm talking about. It's like you have to, what's that shit cowboys do? With the fucking lasso, you got to lasso them in. They all got to come together at the same time. And it's very tough to do that if you miss the fucking lasso

and you only have this side of the room on. So once you lasso them in, you know, that's what it feels like, I got them. Now I could do whatever the fuck I want. I could say what I want, I got them. That's it, I got them. Then you move on to 800 seats and you'll realize, that's why when you go to a theater after a small room,

it always feels kind of weird. Yeah, it felt weird. Okay? So it's the timing, it's the energy, Lee. The energy upfront has to be everything. If I go upfront, when I get off stage, I'm huffing and puffing and I'm sweating. Because I did 30 minutes in 15. You're not giving them a breather. That's the advantage of having more than 15 minutes

that if I have 30, nah, these bitches ain't gonna breathe. They're not gonna breathe. How many minutes you want me to do, 15? Okay, now you're dead because I'm gonna take that 30 minutes and condense them. Do the jokes I give them the greatest hits of and then do the long ones like a fit in 15 minutes and just fucking level them. It's all about energy.

The bigger the room, you better show up with some fucking energy, put your lungs into it and it's got to come from your feet. Like when you get off that stage, your hips hurt. They should fucking hurt. Your back should hurt, you know, because you're giving them everything you got. It's like when you throw a right cross, a punch doesn't come from the arm. A punch comes from the foot. When you push off that foot, you throw that right fucking number two punch, that's where everything is. And even when

you throw a jab, you're stepping forward and you're pushing off this leg and you're, you know, so it's always that fucking, so energy up front, energy in a theater is big. Or come out heavy, always come out heavy. For six minutes, come out heavy. You're fighting, did you see the Antonio Brown fight? Anybody saw that? And A.B. got it mugged.

Did you really? Nobody fucking saw that. Antonio Brown, they tried to rob his jewelry the other night. Oh, it was like a legit, okay. It was fucking, he was going off. And that's six minutes. Like, he probably couldn't do it for 20, because your heart will blow up.

But that six, whatever, he was fighting for two minutes, whatever, they didn't stop. They were throwing punches, people flying through the air, a guy fell down, he kicked him in the stomach. There was always action. And that's your, when you get into those bigger rooms where you might lose control, that's 400 seats and more. Like the club in Arizona has 650 seats.

It goes deep. Irvine. Oh, that one too. Irvine, I used to always eat a bag of dicks every year. I drove down there to pick up a nice check to eat a bag of dicks, and it was three hours of traffic. Yeah. We would have to leave at four to get there at 715,

eat that fucking Japanese burger, I shit blood. I forgot about that burger place. Remember what was the name of that burger everybody was talking about? They had the chain, wasabi burger, or burger. I'll look it up in the break. Oh, I It's at the tip of my tongue. Yeah, Yoshi burger was in Burbank. Then it closed Then it went then they finally had it somewhere else like, you know this that and Yoshi burger. I Got so fucking sick that night, but Irvine pissed me off

because in 23 years of doing Irvine, I never got control. It always seemed like I was doing jokes and they were coming out of there and the people on this side weren't laughing or vice versa. You would go down there and do two shows and drive home and go, what the fuck was that? Well, you know, it's the night before Thanksgiving. Right. that well you know so that before Thanksgiving right but that's I feel like I'm just in the last since I moved here almost by accident doing like

working on my energy or like because when you said like your legs hurt like I have nights where I think it happens by accident where I have like a lot of energy I always try to have energy but but that's not really my style. But I noticed when I... There was one time it backfired, but the fact that you can harness it and decide to do it, I'm nowhere near that yet. Okay, here's the deal.

Number one, I think it was Nick hit me up here, then he's like, hey, do you wanna meet and get dinner that'll never happen before show that'll never happen I don't want to talk to nobody before fucking show. Mm-hmm. That's too much energy talking to people They're gonna ask you goofy questions You know what made you get into stand-up all that bullshit you show up at the show you eat a bag of dicks You just put your energy out Sadly I did a bunch the girls went somewhere. I did a bunch, the girls went somewhere, I did a bunch of stuff, I did kettlebells and shit

in the garage, I hit the bag, but at 1.30, I was done for the day. I didn't do shit. And the girls were not home, but I didn't hunt anybody out to hang out, I didn't get on the phone, I didn't do anything. I'm resting, and energy's like anything else, okay? You ever do a HIIT workout?

Where you have to do 20 seconds on and then 40 seconds off? That's standup comedy. That's a version of standup comedy. Because you're punching, punching, punching, punching. They're laughing. So you're gonna give them a breather too. But very light breather. Very light that they think they got it together.

Like, oh, and they're wiping their nose and then you hit them again with another fucking array of bullets. You know, but in a theater, when you come out first, it's the energy. You can't come out fucking around. You gotta come out and get to it like if you're pissed. Like if you're fucking pissed and then they get it.

They're like, okay, but you know, if you do a club. Hi, my name is Lee. Don't forget to put away your phones and then. I lost you. Put away your phones and don't forget to go on the website to see what the upcoming acts are. Are you guys ready to have a good time? You know, you got to do that shit.

But there's a way to do it. Yeah. Have a great fucking time with it. And then it doesn't even seem like you're really doing it, you know Yeah, and it's Like I've been listening a little bit to some of like my older older stuff like when I first started like there's definitely a difference But it's hard I love when you when we have these talks and like you give me advice and I try to implement it. I genuinely will try to implement it.

But it's almost, some of them I'm like I just, I don't know if I'm not ready to or I just don't know how to really. Because it's, like especially from like that, because you have such dude when you're walking around and like you move and especially like when you laugh at yourself like all that stuff is something that like Myself and I think comics at my level like look at and we want to do But it's like a whole it's like a language on top of the jokes years. Oh, so remember you're looking at thirty five fucking years on stage

Holy shit already 35 fucking years on stage. Holy shit. 34 fucking years. You know, the only thing that I came back from those two sets last week were, I'm writing a lot more. I'm not writing anything fucking funny, but I'm writing, and I'm writing twice a day. And that's a muscle right there.

At least your thoughts are always racing. For a long time, I didn't do shit. I just wrote out like three sentences every day and something for my daughter or something like that. Now, I get up in the morning, I do some shit, I smoke some pot, and I fucking write. Once my wife goes for a walk at 715, I know I got 45 minutes of fucking peace. So I go right back in there again and attack it again.

And then she gets home, I do what I gotta do, I shower, I go out, and then I'll think about shit throughout the day, that's what I do in the drive. Turn the fucking music off and think about one fucking thing and beat it in your mind. I'd rather be doing it with a piece of paper, but I don't have a piece of paper in the car. And I'll have a car with a thousand dents.

So I thought that, yeah, you just can't. And I don't know what happened to my fucking, my video thing in the car. I used to be able to go, you know, suck my dick and tape it. And then go home later on, but it disappeared. I gotta go back and download the fucking app. So I love when you say things disappear,

it's still there. What do you mean? I don't know, but I don't think anything disappeared from your phone. Nah, it's not there. I had the voice memo. It just went away. Dog, I don't know what I'm doing on this phone.

Let's get something straight, okay guys? And for the people at home, I don't know what I'm doing on these phones. I touch shit, shit disappears, shit pops back up. I got the essential. I don't even put Twitter and Facebook on my phone. People think I got, they message me, hey man, we're here. Don't do it on, you're an hour away.

I don't have any. You know why? I don't even want those on my phone. And then just get like the whole distraction? Instagram's on my phone, but I don't have fucking Twitter and the other fucking thing. It's one less thing to worry about.

I have that, I have Zwoop. I have the things I open the most. I'll tell you right now. Whoop, DraftKings, Instagram, Apple Music, Weight Watchers, Lexus once in a while, the Zen Planner for Jiu Jitsu, so you could schedule when you wanna go to class and who's gonna be there and shit like that. Beside that, there ain't much

I don't fuck around because I don't know what the fuck i'm doing. I got a calculator. I got a camera I got a picture of a duck. I don't know what that motherfucker does It's like a duck, I don't know what the fuck he does with money on him Steamyard, okay. I don't know. Oh, yeah,. Oh yeah, that's how we used to do the old podcasts. I got a calendar, I got fucking productivity and finance. I don't know what any of these things are. Files, Coinbase, Dropbox, Meet Georgie, I don't even know it, Wallet.

Dude, it's one of my favorite, like one of the- Teleprompter, Notes, I don't even know how to work Notes. It says iCloud Notes and I don't even know where the fuck I go to that. This is not good This is not good and people think like oh, you know, no, I got United Case where you got a flight of newer. I Got the important but there's no way you're pulling up the app at the airport either. Well, you still use the paper They bother me. And they fucking make me open United. But I always give them the phone.

I just give it to them, here you go. Now you can talk about it. See if you get the wifi, it ain't working for me. I don't even have to fucking code it. Dude, it was like, I think the first thing you had me do for you, like, cause we met a few times in LA, we would hang out outside,

and then one afternoon, you needed help on your laptop uploading a picture to Twitter, and it took me 30 seconds, and you looked at me and said, you're an unadulterated genius. Like, dude, that was one of the funniest, it was just uploading a picture to Twitter. Anybody that could do anything I can't do

in my world is a genius. You have no idea how many mistakes I make. How many fucking people text me numbers and I'll say, text me the address and then I'll try to touch it and send it to somebody else and I'll send them something completely wrong. Don't be getting directions like Pennsylvania.

What the fuck were you sending me? I don't know. My wife has to What the fuck, where you sending me? I don't know, that's a thing. My wife has to, what is it, drop a pin? Drop a pin. You know, I don't even know how to drop a pin. How's that? Like if you called me and said drop a pin, I couldn't help you out at all.

It looks like you're gonna be lost like a motherfucker. I don't know any of that shit. I don't know how to Photoshop. I don't even know how to like put a picture on Instagram and put words under it. Like people put words under it and this shit. I don't know how how to put a picture on Instagram and put words under it. Like people put words under it and then shit. I don't wanna do nothing. I went to it one time, use a template and all that shit.

I'm done, I'm done, I'm done. I don't know and I don't wanna know. Forget about editing. I've tried to be an editor 80 times, I've downloaded the Apple program, because I heard that if you bought an Apple computer you go to the Apple store and take classes Mm-hmm, you could sign up. Yeah, but every time I signed up they didn't want to see me The fucking class was packed. I was three places Studio City. Yeah, city

Fuck do you hear in advance? Really? Yeah, so what the fuck you promised me fucking? You know how to do this shit for retards and now you're not even letting me in the fucking class. It's like SAG-AFTRA. Before you join SAG-AFTRA, AFTRA, they won't tell you nothing. For you people at SAG-AFTRA at home, you gotta go on the website and look to see what they offer, because they'll never tell you this shit.

They'll never tell you this. SAG and AFT, fucking put workshops on. And acting classes with like fucking big time people. But they don't send you an email. You gotta dig deep and go, oh my God. And then you sign up and it's the same thing. Class is booked. You're sitting there all fucking day

waiting for six o'clock so you can hit the link to sign up. You're right there at 5.59. You got the trigger finger, you took some Adderall, whatever the fuck it took to be speeding you. You hit that motherfucker within two seconds, it sold out. I never took it after a fucking course, ever, ever. Fucking, 20 years I applied for those things.

Are you self-conscious about not being good on the computer and stuff, or do you not give a shit? Nah, what am I gonna do? I don't trust myself on anything anymore. You know what I'm saying? I go up to my kitchen and it's those new stoves. Beep beep beep beep. You know.

Beep beep beep beep beep. Everything's a beep beep beep beep beep. I don't know if the stove is on. Listen, the first week I was in New Jersey when nobody knows we we stayed at... Corporate housing. Corporate housing. And the girls would go to bed early.

I was freaking the fuck out. I was living in anxiety. I could not sleep, so at night, I would make the Michael Jackson tea. I forgot about that. And I'd put like three coffees, I'd put a syringe of a thousand milligrams, I put a handful of fucking ABXs.

And I'd stare at the thing because the ABXs would melt in there. Right. Oh my God, I'd put a little fucking sugar in there to sweeten it up. Yeah, I'm sure that one little bit of sugar helped. So one night I drank one of those, and I was fucked up.

Yeah. And about two in the morning I go, you know what? I need another one of these to fall asleep before. I did the the first one like 11. Do you know I got so fucked up listen It was a metal coffee pot you know those pots you put on the thing and they go boo when it's ready I was so fucked up that thing went boo for like three hours The metal collapsed There was no water in it. It was burning. My wife woke up and she's like, what's burning?

I go, what's burning? I don't know. She goes, Jesus Christ, Joey. The thing was black. We had to take it out the next day and put it in the garbage before they charged me for like $82. Had to go buy a new one and shit.

I melted the thing. You melted a metal teapot. And what, you just were too high and fell asleep? I don't know. I don't know what the fuck happened. I just kept hearing beep beep beep beep beep beep beep boop whatever the fuck and then this new kitchen I don't know how to do nothing. I know how to work the microwave. Okay that's a start. But everything else is bullshit and I'm the type of guy go for the ice machine and break. Like my wife is in there fucking getting ice cubes, coolers. I put my thing in there. I gotta turn the thing around, put my hand in there and take a big fucking snowman fucking piece of snow out.

I don't have no luck, so my wife always goes, why don't you heat that food up? I'm like, not in a fucking million years. Because that's a new stove. I don't know nothing about that thing. It makes a bunch of tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, and then you turn it off and it still leaks gas. So I'm in the basement smoking a joint, next thing you know nothing about that thing. It makes a bunch of tick tick tick tick tick and then you turn it off And it still leaks gas so I'm in there. I'm in the basement smoking a joint next thing. I got no head Don't need that shit. I rather starve to death. I

Won't cook a fucking thing in my house one night. I tried cooking eggs in the house almost blew up I tried making scrambled eggs in the middle of night, right? As a cook, I'm fucking worthless. Guys, you gotta understand something. I'm very lucky to have, you know, to work hard to make people laugh. Because if I wouldn't, it would have been a fucking long life for me. I can't change a flat. There's a lot of things I can't fucking...

I mean, you put a gun to my head, I could change a flat. For $15 an hour, I ain't changing your fucking flat. You could change your own fucking flat. You know what I'm saying? Like there was things I couldn't do. Like I just couldn't do. When I was younger, you had to paint, I could roof. You know, I was a sous chef for a few weeks,

but I didn't like knives. I don't like working with fucking, my fingers, you start talking shit, next thing you know I'm thumby. Fucking, I don't like none of that shit. Oh, it gives me, I don't know how people do that. There was none I could do. I was telling someone, my friend retired, he's a cop. They gave him his military time,

they mixed it with the police time, and he retired when he's 39. Good for him. Yeah, good for nothing, because yesterday, he's telling me that, yeah, yesterday he's like, I think I'm going to get a bus, drive a job in Marlboro and drive the kids and lift weights for lunch and then do the kids. And I go, Doc, how long do you think this, plus he was a fucking undercover cop.

I go, how long do you think this is going to last? And he just looked at me, he goes, why? I go, that's not going to last. He just looked at me goes why? That's not gonna last. I go first of all we live in the most boring neighborhood in New Jersey. There ain't nobody out in the daytime. Not a soul. Like you can't find the fucking soul out in my town unless you go to a gym. Right if you go to the restaurants it's three four people nobody does anything in the daytime. But when I first moved here, and George will be my witness, I used to come up to North

Bergen a lot more. And I stopped because I was driving an hour just to drop 150 on lunch and tolls and shit. And I would look for people in North Bergen. Like seriously, look, like I would go to the parks and shit, like let's see who's at the park drinking and dog the same thing in my hometown a town that Every three blocks you could see three people on a corner or two people walking somewhere and pull over anybody see George A's that's a big board Street field boom. You could take a bus you go down to the field, you know

Yeah, they're having a party or whatever that does not when I leave here at night I make it a purpose to go down Kennedy Boulevard. I Make it a purpose to go down Kennedy Boulevard and my heart breaks Because there's a mile that you don't even see a fucking light Not a fucking light and what time do I leave you at 930? I know there's a curfew in my hometown for kids. I think so, 10 o'clock. But still, it's 9.30.

I would rock till 9.59. I'm out there fucking shooting bow and arrows like Rambo until 10.59, 9.59. There's not a soul out there, and let me put it even better for you. A couple weeks ago, I went down Bergenline Avenue. If you think I wanted to cry on Kennedy Boulevard, I almost fucking stopped at my mother's bar and just cried. I knew that. Listen, I don't know a lot of pieces of land in Hudson County, but I

knew one thing. I knew 29th Street all the way to 48th where Cuberville opens up with the Gino's just to be in the corner. I knew that. I knew that like the back of my hand. First of all, there was a movie theater on 45th and Bergen line And after that we want a lot of things open, but there were things open last week. I went down. I didn't see a light There wasn't a business open after you hit 48th Street past 29th There's a head shop that's open till 10 or something on 17th Street There's a head shop that's open till 10 or something on 17th Street. That's it. That whole block.

That was New Moon Chinese restaurant. That was Hernandez Cuban restaurant. That was Pino's Pizzeria all the way down to fucking 23rd Street. And Bergenland, you had action. There ain't nothing there. There's nobody on the corners. If you don't have a day job now in Jersey, you die. You fucking die.

I think that's what people like though. Don't you think your buddy who was a undercover cop in the army, like enjoys a little bit of peace? Or no, you think like... Listen, let's get something straight. I come from central New Jersey and everybody in this room will tell you When I was growing up as a kid, we looked at central, New Jersey and said fuck those rednecks

Because that's exactly what they were If you weren't from hutching county, you were a farmer. It's like that expression if you're not from brooklyn, you're a farmer Okay, you know all this shit hutching county nice. What's your sea caucus was a pig farm? Okay, that was a fucking pig farm. That's these you drive through sea car cause you still smell a little fucking And I love central New Jersey where I live but when I was a kid, let me tell you how this story goes. What's that when they say it's 60%, what's that when your world goes 60 degrees? When I was a kid, in 1969, 70, 71, 68,

that was my job, to go with the fucking Cubans who couldn't speak English, and I would get in the car with them in Harlem and go go to Marlboro, New Jersey because it was a farm The whole town of Marlboro was a farm It was a fucking farm and they would buy the santeria chickens to kill them And the goats and the monkeys and everything else you bought down in south jersey. So there was no paperwork You bought them directly from the fucking farm. That's why it's very weird that I ended up back in Marlboro 50 fucking years and let me put it this way. I used to go to English town in

1976 77 and 78 Every other Sunday me and Frankie Balzano would drive to English town and buy limousines for the feet for $7 They were irregular. This is way before What's the clothing store that you give all the irregular stuff? Ross, TGNX. Ross, Ross, you go in there, they have like a, the stitch says, well I can't say what the stitch says,

but instead of Nike, it's something else, you know what I'm saying? Right. Like fucking Mikey. You know. And you were, who were you selling these irregular shoes to? You'd bring them up north and You fucking selling for $15

Me and Frankie $7 every Sunday. We go down there buy all the sizes from 8 to fucking 13 and take our chances But that was a flea market down there. It's still there. What's it called? English town flea market. Right, but you'd buy, where would you sell these shoes? Up here, you fuck. To who? Are you just walking around and you want some shoes? Kids whose parents won't give them $19.99.

Those sneakers are like $22. If you save $7, you follow what I'm saying? You didn't get a box, that's it. You didn't get a box. Who needs it. You didn't get a box. Who needs a box for $7? They're irregular, nobody's gonna see that the star's a little smaller on this side. It was a hustle, but there was nothing down there.

But I'm not, it was a different, I remember going to a fuckin', like one of those bowl nights, like December 29th, 30th, like that. I was probably a senior in high school and a buddy of mine picked me up. We're like three other kids. And then we picked up like two other savages

and we were going to somewhere like an hour away. His cousin had told him there was a party over there. And I'll never forget, we walked into that party and we're like, what the fuck is going on Within 10 minutes one of us is in the bedroom stealing robbing the house Jewelry, and then we passed around Then they passed around the hat the people because we got there and they're like you guys got a chip in They passed around a hat and I'm not gonna tell you who from North Bergen took that

Took the cash out put in his pocket and threw the hat back at them It says we're out of here It was like 40 bucks and he just took that and I forget walking out of them. The people were like shambled So you guys are criminals your animals your savages and all this shit. We just got in the car left And I'm like that was easy That was fucking easy. Oh like they were just you know, it was like a different world That was yeah, dude. I think honestly The majority of people now if you work a nine-to-five if you're actually at the office By the time they get home they uber eats they watch TV. Like I I don't think people out and do anything. Hold on let's hold on to that thought we got to take a

breather we got to talk to you about Huel I got to take a little pee-pee and I'll be right back stay black. Hey uncle Joey here if you're tired of skipping meals and starving throughout your day just drink Huel. Huel is a complete meal in a bottle that you could take on the go. One bottle of their Black Edition ready to drink, has 35 grams of protein, 27 vitamins, minerals, tons of fiber, low sugar, just go and go. Listen, I love the chocolate, it tastes tremendous. When I get home from a nice workout, I chug a bottle of this stuff and it's tremendous. There's no prep, there's no prep there's

no cleanup just grab a bottle and go if they even send you a little shaker you could put this in it and drink it start saving time and money without compromising your nutrition today with my exclusive offer for new customers you ready for this one and you don't want to miss on this. 15% off plus a free gift using code CHURCH at HUL.com. Again, that's 15% off plus a free gift for new customers by pressing in my exclusive code CHURCH at HUL.com. Please see our description for terms and conditions. Skip the stress, not the nutrition. Try Huel today for complete nutrition bottles, Jack.

We're back, savages! So Lee, you were saying that people work all day, and then they go, they Uber Eats, and they stream a show. And that, dude, I think, cause that's how I got really fat. When I first moved to LA, I didn't, I worked 10 to seven, and I didn't wanna even stop at a restaurant or cook, so I would pick up fast food.

But I think now, yeah, I think a lot of people- Now, you live in New York City. I don't do that, but yeah. The Mecca of fucking everything. What do you see when you go out to do comedy at night? Like what do you see? So my problem is, is like I only got here in September. To me, I do see people out, but I have to be honest,

other than like a Times Square or like, you know, the parks, like where people are supposed to be, it's not Jam-packed a lot and I've talked to people who have been there for a while and it does seem less But I think like New York or honestly any city. I think is different. That's why I've always loved cities Because there's always someone outside. Well, let's say like What's the latest you stayed out in New York walking around the streets like from a comedy show you in two comics? To something stop and what's on the streets or to something?

How that bars with 20,000 people in it or not usually no I honestly I haven't I Got it was the one bar that I saw that was packed this week was a gay bar which I thought was great They're always back Giving out yum yum juice in there those fucking gay guys. They don't stream TV They don't eat that shit from fucking uber eats. They cock And carrot juice, you know I'm saying they're out They're out and they drink and they snort coke and they do method of method of do pills Then they go to the gym and work out like savages, you know, so here's my pop. Here's my point. Okay

40 years ago right now in 1985. I was living with George. I stayed with George for about six months and George would tease me George would say you're not gonna go out George used to go out four nights a week The weekends with his friend Sammy and then during the week with a girl and whatever, he would go to the fucking bicycle club, he would go to all these clubs, you know? And he would ask me every night, you don't wanna go out? I just didn't like it.

There was certain nights, but we did go out. We went to a club one night when I robbed a gas station to celebrate. I took him into the city to a club, and then, but besides that, I like going out, but this is what I like. Like a month ago, I went out two months ago, I stayed out till two in the morning.

That's fucking rare. But I'm not gonna lie to you, I had a fucking good time. I ate some mushrooms, I was at a strip club, all the chicks looked purple to me. You know, they would work me for a dollar and I would giggle in their face. It was fun, you know, it was fun. You're talking to other people.

But for me to get dressed on a Tuesday night or a Wednesday, come up here, pick Nick up, to go into the city to have dinner, to meet a bunch of people, go to a club, I'd rather fucking stick knives in my eyeballs. I'd rather stick knives in my eyeballs. Again, I was also the type of kid that if you caught me on a good night, I mean, I still remember lifting weights with lubs at 5.30

and hearing that Prince was gonna play with Nucleus and Sheila E for 15 bucks. And we made it by eight o'clock. That's cool. Into the city, I like all that type of shit. When I don't, that shit about let's go see Guns N' Roses in June and then we're gonna cargo, what's that shit they call? Outside in front of the stadium.

Tailgate. Tailgate, no, that's gone. We don't tailgate. We get there, we get there fucked up, okay? We're fucked up. You can tell gay with drugs now, but that's not no you can't because there's fags out there And white people who write yeah, you can't put a mirror on top of your hood and smoke coke on it no more That ships sale That's exactly what we're doing. But to get to the point here. I Wasn't an out guy then.

I get weird, I get, every once in a while I got a feather up my ass and I go, you know what, what am I gonna do with him? The girls are sleeping, what the fuck? I might as well, the other night from Philadelphia, I had that kid in the car, whatever, on the way home we talked. I didn't need him talking to me.

I liked that he was there, he's a great kid. But that talking took away from my thought. I dropped him off and went for a ride and I went to a bar and I had a fucking Martini you have fucking martini by myself. That's how much I needed when I called my wife at 10 And she's like I'm gonna be going to sleep and mercy just made cookies. We're gonna be in bed I'm not gonna sit there by myself and then trip in the basement. That's what happens, the four walls close in on a motherfucker. So I rather, that's what the ride home is for me. That's what the ride home is for me,

to see what happened, how did it happen, why did I say that joke. That's what it is, I don't need a tape recorder. I don't want a tape recorder. I don't want a tape recorder. I just, it's in my head already. It's in my head just. You can remember the whole thing? Pieces of it.

And then you call me and fill me in. Yeah, I try to, but that, dude, you need a tape recorder. I don't like listening to my voice. No one does. So it's never gonna. Dude, the reason why your joke works for me is because that's what my voice sounds like. I hate listening to my voice.

Anyway, nobody likes your fucking voice, alright? Thank you. I like your voice, okay? You have a very nice, Jewish voice. I appreciate that. But, alright, then I left Georgia and went to Colorado, and I wasn't going out in Colorado. I was snorting coke. Big difference. Going out and doing blow is a big difference. Yeah, once I started making money selling cars, I would go to what's the hamburger place? That there's one in by my house that they have on the list French fries. Red Robin. Red Robin used to have

tremendous drinks in Boulder. They used to have a Coco Loco. I'd buy a Grama Coke, put it in my pocket, go over there, get two Coco Locos, maybe a top shelf margarita, and I'd do two bumps. Once the Coke started hitting me, I stopped at a liquor store right there in Boulder, picked up my fucking six pack and went home. And that's what I did. I didn't like being out in public when you're that high. At that point, I didn't like it. So I never really liked going out. And then I did something for a guy who, I still remember being at Corky's and going, I can't wait till I move to Colorado. I'm never going to a fucking bar again. And I didn't, and I never did.

But guess what happened in 1991? I decided to get on stage. And I'm like, no matter how you cut it now, you gotta be out at night You're in a bar every night. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate it But then once I got into comedy, I started to enjoy it and the first five years you're in a fucking bar Anyway, oh constantly. Okay, so from 1991 Let's clean this up from ninth from October of 93 to

June of 2004 I Got on stage almost every night Almost every night the first time I took a break Almost every night. Oh, shit. Almost every night. The first time I took a break was when I started shooting Along the Shark

because they had no comedy in Santa Fe, New Mexico. I went to a couple strip clubs and talked to them about it and they're like, nah, nothing happens in here. I'm surprised you didn't somehow try to convince the other comics on the movie to do a show for the- Well, Tracy Morgan wasn't there for longer than like four days. So nobody, and you gotta go to Albuquerque.

And Albuquerque is a quick, if you want to get stabbed, go to Albuquerque. Go to fucking Albuquerque. Something always bad happens in Albuquerque when I'm there. So I'd rather not be there. But that was my life. I remember like going, oh, tonight I'm, like I still remember getting an audition for NYPD Blue. And going, I'm going to stay here tonight because I'd never seen NYPD Blue.

1997, I was doing stage comedy every night. Got to remember, I did not have a TV after I needed Coke money and I sold my Trinitron for like a hundred bucks. I didn't have a TV after February. From February of 95 to June of 95. I didn't have a TV after February from February of 95 To June of 95. I did not have a TV. There was no reason for me to be home. I did that on purpose. I Didn't want to be home. You don't need you're not gonna get funny at the house, right? Come home at 2 snort coke do whatever you want, but that's how I prepared myself for those times I was broke anyway, I couldn't afford cable and the whole fucking box.

I had to steal it. Forget it. I just not have a fucking TV. And I did that. And I fucking like, you know, when you're out doing comedy, you're doing blow, you're having a good fucking time. And then I stopped doing blow. And that was it.

Like my life changed because I didn't want to be freaky no more. I didn't want to be out of my mind anymore. And I knew that by going home, I wouldn't get in trouble. Cause you can't get in trouble at the house unless you stab your wife. Nothing bad's gonna happen to you at the house, you know? And now at my age, this is all I want. I want somebody to pick me up at five after seven.

With a joint and an idea Hmm. All right, maybe two joints We go somewhere we get out of the car. We smoke one joint we get back in the car We go for a ride We smoke another joint and then we take a ride to get something to eat like a milkshake If you bring me back home by nine o'clock I'll never bother you again. My wife won't even hear about it. Just that hour and a half, two hours, is all I need. I don't need to go to Studio 54. I need to go to the city to talk to people.

I don't need to go to a comedy club to talk to people. Seriously. And that's how I've always been. Yeah. The greatest times I've ever had in this area was when Lubez would pick me up at a quarter of eight, we'd go over the bridge, buy a bag of weed, roll it, smoke it on the way down the West Side Highway, pull over on 12th Avenue, get a pretzel and a hot dog, and come back to Lincoln Tunnel, and then come up fucking through Hudson County Park, back to fucking Kennedy Boulevard. That was the best times of my life.

I could do that five nights a fucking week and stop somewhere different to get something to eat, a slice of pizza, and I'll put it in my food budget. I'll eat early, I'll eat like at five, because I know I'm going out at 10 after seven to get something. A Sicilian, maybe we'll stop and get a fucking bar pie. Oh dude, I couldn't relate to anything more than you relate to anything more than just told me a couple weeks ago. She goes why don't you?

Get an apartment up there for the summer so you can see your friends. You're closer to George and I told her I said Here's the deal Terry Like I'm telling you guys and I'm telling people at home This is all changed my life has changed in my area. This is not, you started at Barone's, then you went and had a drink at the Midtown, then you went over here and talked to this guy. That's all that's non-existent in this world.

If I come up here, it's basically to go to Rudy's at night. Get a cup of soup, smoke a joint with George, and then I go to his house, or we come here, or I go to Nick's house. And we smoke weed, we put a movie on, catch the last half of a basketball game, baseball game, and then I go home at 10 o'clock. I'm not gonna move up here to jump up and down.

It's not gonna be the same thing. If I get in my car right now and go looking for somebody, I could paste a $300 bill on my fucking forehead and drive up and down Kennedy looking for one joint, I'll give you $300. You'll never find it. There's not a kid hanging out, there's not a parent hanging out,

there's nobody grilling in the front there, nothing. And like, but here's the thing, and the, cause I wouldn't. Life has changed, Lee, and you're right. But I don't fucking think young kids 22, 23, I don't see it, but I do. I do see them go home, get their little blankie, get their fucking computer game out, stream one of those fag shows on Netflix, and order some fucking Indian food from some store with their girlfriends that both were in sandals.

I could see that. I could see that this youth is going for that. That's not what I'd be doing. Right. That's not what I'd be fucking doing. It does blow my, because there are people who do that in New York, and I don't get that at all.

Listen, right now I'm the type of guy that George says to me, Doug, let's get in the car. Let's go to a, there's a little fucking Chinese restaurant on Park Avenue. Right in North Bergen, it looks like they bombed it. Every time you go there, it's all steamed up. You can't see the Chinese people inside.

But they make a nice pork fried rice. If you wanna get a container of pork fried rice and sit on the street and eat it with a schnapple with a napkin I'm in I'm one of those guys I don't need to sit in there at night but then some night we're gonna get really high and Nick's gonna go let's go down the river whatever and get a steak with River Palm and get a steak with mashed potatoes with a salad like a motherfucking dessert and don't worry about none just come to the 34th floor

and you can sleep on the floor. Yeah, but like, I got it, that all sounds great. But you're also a comic, like, you wouldn't be moving up here to have a night life, like you're not, if you were gonna do- No, no, no, no, no, no. I said night life, but that's not a night life. That's a fucking Joey Diaz life. Right? That's not a nightlife

I mean, oh you're saying for any normal person. Listen, here's how fucking lazy If I moved up here, I mean like you think I'm actually gonna go to the ferry and go over there do comedy It's not gonna happen either three Maybe maybe I really But I'll tell you what it's a lot different doing this shit in the spring and summer. Yeah, there's no winter Oh, dude, it's great right now, you know at seven o'clock when you walk them when that uber drops you off in there It's fucking beautiful at seven o'clock and you walk out to that fucking thing and there's a couple Herbie's coming back And you're going over,

you know? Right. So you go over there, you get on there, get an Uber, go to Gotham, wherever, like when I was here for the soprano movie, I fucking love it. I come over, go to fucking Rudy's, what's this other place? Toppers. We went a couple places at night and I would still be over the bridge by fucking nine. I'd be ashamed. All of us would eat and we look at each other tired yeah I remember going over there to a hotel like at nine and just going up to the roof to smoke every hour on the hour and I'm up at like one and I'm like I'm fucking starving and I'm like what the fuck am I gonna eat and I'm up at like one and I'm like, I'm fucking starving. And I'm like, what the fuck am I gonna eat? And I went downstairs and the lady's like,

you go over, you want, this is open, this is open. But if you want, go to Wohop. And I remember going, I can't go to Wohop by myself. It was 1.30 in the morning and then finally I get two. I'm like, this is getting serious now. I'm getting hungry. I called down there like at 3.30 and it was still open. We opened till 5.

I'm like, oh my God. Oh, this is going to get ugly up in this bitch. I missed that. That, I could, because I don't know what, but see again guys, I don't stay up in the late anymore. But when you stay up, you roll a little number, maybe you scroll the TV, and Rambo 2 is coming on HBO, and you're like, fuck it. I'm gonna go smoke a couple numbers, go upstairs, get some chips ahoy, or whatever the fuck you.

You know, you don't know, you can't, like I don't plan for that because it doesn't. Sundays, it's been happening. You stay up late. You know, I go to bed, I go to bed late, and then I get up like at five, and I watch the worst show on fucking the thing but it's my favorite show.

It's the worst. This season four has just depressed me more than anything in the world. Malcolm X is making dream comebacks and shit. I don't need to know. Godfather of Harlem. Oh boy. It's not good.

Yeah, the producers moved on. They got like 18 different shows. The chin is gone. Vincent Gigante went to some, you know, a different show. He's doing something for Marvel or one of those motherfuckers. And the show is brutal. It is brutal. My wife goes, how come you don't let me watch it?

I goes, I don't want you to watch it. I don't want you to laugh at me. It's fucking God awful. The fucking Tupac's mother is in it now and she became a Black Panther and fucking. So why don't you give up? Just tell, you could just be done with the show. I'll give up at the end of the season.

I don't think Bumpy's gonna make it. I think Frank Lucas is gonna kill him. So, because Frank Lucas is coming on the scene with Joe Colombo and fucking Bumpy's getting old. He just had a heart attack. So shit's happening in Harlem right now So boat so you that's what you do on Sundays now is you wake up early. I wake up early just to watch it alone I'll get high then I go back to bed Is it because you're embarrassed by it? Yeah, I can't have my wife walking into me watching that show

She'll lose she'll go Joey. What the fuck is going on here? Oh I'm doing it to jerk on they do it like another million dollars from production so the production looks like Like it's a high school thing like the other day. He was in the hospital dog It was not a hospital. It was not a hospital, no fucking way. It's just not, not. I don't like when they do that to shows. You remember that Clint Eastwood movie

where it was like the sniper one? I already made fun of it for years, but they had like a baby in the movie, but Clint Eastwood just had them have like a toy baby. And like was in the movie of like it was obviously not a real baby Like that's crazy when they were surprised. What isn't real like animals The animals aren't real no What are they petrified animals and the camera moves and the editing they put like a real fucking animal? Then they pull them away, and they put like a fake and then you shoot the fucking thing, it explodes.

Oh yeah, the ones exploding I figured were real. Whatever you could do with a camera is brilliant. What they could do with a camera, they could make you believe in anything. Yeah. So it's pretty interesting. But if it's that bad. Like today, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that Godfather of Harlem, oh my God, he crashes into somebody. It's a guy with a beard that crashes in and then fucking Pino comes out and he's got like an Italian guy. I'm like there was a terrorist just driving that fucking car I thought it was jihad in Brooklyn and now the guy's got a beard like they couldn't even a lot of movies I look for that stupid shit. Yeah, like when people fall off a cliff or something how they tuck their head Or they'll put like a wig on and you see the wig fly off shit like that what was the De Niro one where like you could see like the

Like the it was a casino where they blew up the car at the end Yeah, but they had like a dummy in the car. They're like there was like a frame They just cut the editing was just a little weird and And sometimes the editor goes, let's leave it in. To fuck with people. It's like if you watch the first Brad Pitt and George Clooney when they rob people. Ocean's Loving. Ocean's Loving, watch the first one.

There's a scene where they do that to fuck with people. Brad Pitt is eating a shrimp cocktail. He's eating it off a dish, dipping it in the thing. The next scene, he's got the shrimp cocktail. Really? The way the shrimp cocktail is supposed to come. That's a huge fucking motion picture. That's a huge George Clooney and Brad Pitt and eight other fucking animals. You got eight eyes looking at that. Not one person. That's how fucking monotonous something could get. Like if you keep looking at something over and over,

it just gets that monotonous. When I see it, I'm like, oh, there's a couple sopranos where you see the boom. Really? Couple sopranos where you see the fucking boom. You know, and dog, it's a busy day, it's 13 hours, you've been there since six 6 this guy didn't show up This woman's pussy hurts everybody's complaining. They can't find the missing shoe and also you just want to get out of that and

You shoot through it and whatever the eye is used to it's like when you go home You ever go home and look at the mirror when you get ready. We all get ready, you know It's not that you look on the mirror look at my fucking head. No, I got three heads ready, you know, it's not that you look in the mirror looking my fucking head No, I got three heads left, you know But I don't give a fuck who you are look at your home mirror and then go to Vegas And gonna take a shower and go in the mirror where your clothes are you gonna go? What the fuck happened? I aged I got fatter. I got skinnier my feet look big because your mirror you see what you want to see On that Vegas mirror that motherfucker don't lie. That's the real deal.

Who's the chick who looks at the mirror, mirror, mirror on the wall? Same fucking thing. Who's the ugliest motherfucker of them all? Jesus Christ, it's me. That's what the fucking problem is then. Could you imagine if you had a mirror that talked to you and told you what you look like?

I'm thinking of making one. That's a good idea. I'm going to patent it. You look like dick. You look like a fucking sack of shit, okay, with that fucking shirt on. Where the fuck are you going? But it's really weird what I look for at night in nightlife. Now, I'm not looking. The only way I could stay up till one

is if me and George had a coffee now. And I did like something like a half a mushroom or another taffy, I'd be up till one. Maybe two, I gotta know what it'd be tomorrow, till 11. So I don't give a fuck, but that won't stop me. I'll go to bed at two, but at 6.30, that cat'll be waking me up. And then I'll get up, and then I'll actually get up,

drink coffee, do what I gotta do in the morning, talk to my wife, and sometimes, once she leaves, I'm like, I'm showered, I'm going back to bed. Fuck it, I go back to bed for another hour, I get up. Yeah, I need my eight now, so. But no, I'm not looking to be Johnny bananas It's like game seven of the Knicks the other day game six. I Love what I do

I love that on the comic and I lucked out and shit works out to me but that doesn't give me the right to dress up like a fucking clown and By tickets, I can't afford to go to a Nick game to jump up and fucking down Like I'm somebody you know saying like and you watch it Listen you want to go to a Nick game and hide like if when you see what's his name the guy who? Dated his daughter what he Allen the Chinese girl Woody Allen. What do you remember used to go to Nick games? He didn't send the front. He sat in the corner because he knew he was doing something evil What the real gangsters don't want to be seen It does seem like that when you watch the front row.

That's what everything has become. That's what everything has become. When you look at those Nick games, here's the sad fucking thing. Those first 10 rows, they're not even there to watch the game. You can see it on the TV screen. They're talking to each other, they're looking at the sunglasses, they're looking at the phone. They're not there. They're talking to each other. They're looking at their sunglasses.

They're looking at their phone. They're not there. They just want to tell their friends. They went to the Nick game last night. Oh my God, how was it? It was so exciting. No, you didn't even watch. You couldn't wait for the game to end.

So you'd go home to your fucking ugly cat. You know? The fuck is wrong with people? No, it's for them to take an Instagram picture. That's it. But that's every game you see. Not if you're watching like Memphis or Oklahoma City or Denver,

but LA Lakers is the same fucking thing. Yeah. The Garden is the same thing. Miami, Miami, who's in the audience. Dude. And then people, it just, I don't know, it just sucks. I think it just, I don't know, it just sucks. I think it just, I don't know, you have to pull up to the side of the garden for a limo to pull you up.

It's just, I don't know, man. It's not for me, I just wanna fuckin' move in darkness. Yeah, you never wanna be seen. I don't wanna be fucked, you know, why? And to act that way bothers me Like to act that way like there's only one time I had a good time when somebody put a camera on me and that was last year at the UFC Oh, that was cool cuz I knew that dude. I know him

So he asked me and I was like, I don't know and they were all talking about they good Give it a shot and then he came back and then he came back another time. And they were like, no, that's it. But that dude didn't, but I see that dude all the time. He's been with the UFC for I don't know how fucking long. But that shit makes me feel like I would hate to get caught on the camera when you have to kiss somebody. You don't like to kiss Cam? I mean, you know, you're sitting next to, I don't know.

Your wife hopes. Yeah, let's say I'm sitting next to my wife. I don't mind kissing her, but it's just, I don't like kissing Your wife hopes. Yeah, let's say I'm sitting next to my wife. I don't mind kissing her, but it's just, I don't like kissing somebody on the spot. You know, that's my fucking, playing fucking spin the bottle, you know what I'm saying? Could you propose at a stadium, like people do that? No.

I saw that the other day, the guy, the chick pitched and she turned around, and he's on one knee like a faggot. Because what if she says no? Oh, I know that's fucking life-changing That's worse than your team losing and you got the Jacqueline the helmet on like a fucking 10 year old You know, so I proposed to Terry on the phone That's yeah, you forgot about that on the fucking phone. That's how normal people do it I gotta make a vent. I gotta make an event and put a bird trail on a sign

that says I love you, Terry, and I gotta get on my one knee like a fucking idiot. That's what you did in 19th century. You know, right, when you had the bow and arrow. That's not even the bow and arrow a little after that, like before the Titanic. Like the Titanic, right? You gotta come to a woman's house with a hat on your chest. Tell you

I'm here to pick up Cynthia And what do you plan to take Cynthia? I plan to take her for some tea and then maybe see a concert and Who's performing? Oh my goodness Have you heard of the white rail? Oh, we love the white rail. You'd have to like court them Have you heard of the white rail? Oh, we love the white rail. You'd have to like court them It was like courting. Yeah, you know the parents and the manage come out We you the first time and you know, you're just trying to fucking get a piece And they're watching you like fuck and you're a kidnapper Do you like

and Like do you think now you would like you would have texted I can't, like, dude I've never heard of anyone getting proposed to over the phone. I was with her for nine years. You don't need the drama. That's it, do you ever see Pretty Woman? The best part of Pretty Woman was when she's talking to Richard Gere and she's waiting for Richard Gere

to make a move. And Richard Gere shows up with strawberries and what else did he show up with? Champagne, remember that? She was eating the strawberries and he's like, slow down. You gotta fucking, because she's an animal. And all of a sudden she looks at him and goes, listen, before we get this started, I'm a short thing. Okay?

I forgot about that. I'm a short thing. So knock it off with the romance and the fucking, yeah, I'm here to fuck. You paid me two grand, there ain't no looking back. You know what I'm here to fuck, you paid me two grand, there ain't no looking back, you know what I'm saying? I don't need strawberries. No, I'm a sure thing, that's it.

You know, when you're with somebody for nine years, she's a sure thing, she ain't going nowhere. Right, but how? How she gonna carry all the cats out by herself? That's a sure fucking thing. You can take two trips, but like, dude, how did that conversation lead up to, why, were you planning on proposing?

Not at all. Not at all. I was clean off the coke for about a year. I was finally stabilized. And I was looking at her. You can love a woman with all your heart. You can love a woman with all your heart. Listen, I came from the fucking 70s where you meet a woman, you take her home, and whatever

happens happens. If she ain't got no family, ain't no sense of marrying her, getting stuck with the tab and fucking, you know, no. You understand me? Like I came from a different time. She's your woman. You don't need no fucking document to prove that she's your woman.

At the end of the day, every man in this room would not get married unless they're for her parents or your parents. This one would not get married unless they're for her parents or your parents. Hmm, so I Was just living with her I was already married I failed that Who would want to marry a guy that was already married and failed on it? Why would you want to fail because then you can't fall into that stupid fucking? Been married for four times. You're a fucking loser. You're a fucking loser.

Two is a lot different than four. Yeah, but after the first time, you're a fucking loser, okay? You failed at the basis communication. Basic, it's a man and a woman, you fucking got an F. Things happen, I get it, things happen. That's not what happened with me and my ex-wife. Things happen. But, you know, happen. That's not what happened with me and my ex-wife. Things happen. But when you're with somebody that long, it's like we just, what these idiots call my ride

and die and they don't even know what they're talking about. Right. They don't even know what the fuck they're talking about. Everybody's pissed off. Everybody's putting something online right now. I don't know how I feel about David Portnoy. You know, I know he's a great fucking guy and he's helped a lot of businesses and shit.

Sometimes he pisses me off with the shit he says, but you gotta love what the man said last week on Club Che Che. He said he broke, you see that? He broke up with his wife, they divorced, but she still has access to the fucking account. And he goes, why'd you do that? He goes, because she was with me

when I couldn't afford a hamburger. In, in, that's it. That's what people forget all the time. So most guys leave, and that's what he did. He got a 26 year old, you know, you got a young chick, whatever, but you forgot about that fucking cheeseburger. Like I still had the first TV me and that woman bought.

And I'm a fucking animal. bought and I'm a fucking animal Everybody knows I'm a fucking animal. I don't know. I have nothing from my youth. I Fucking stole people's houses that were holding my stuff You know, I'm like two people who are holding my stuff. I lost it all you know, but there's people, you know, and it's, I didn't know I was going to get married. I just knew she was sad about something. She had gone home and her brother and sister-in-law were about to have their second kid. And she's fucking around with me for nine years. We're still living in a one-bedroom fucking apartment studio

We share a fucking car, you know a woman at one point goes What the fuck and I don't blame you Nine years, you know, like I say all the time you could suck dick in an apartment You could suck dick in a mansion. I'd rather suck dick in a mansion with silk sheets and a guy playing the violin You know I'm saying yeah, Your church is nice and clean, you don't have to go to get up and go to work. But, you know, so I don't know, Lee, I went to this thing that day

and I talked to a friend of mine, a Santeria Baba Lao, he was my Kung Fu teacher. And one day I went over there for a read. And when I do Santeria stuff, the male saints don't ever fucking bother me. They always say like, you know, don't hang out on the corner, or don't carry a weapon, or don't drink, shit like that. It's before I leave, the women saints always raise their fucking hands.

And they always got something to say. You gotta do this, you gotta do that. You gotta treat this person better, you gotta do do this and you understand when they say it to you They don't say it to you like you gotta be nicer to Lee They don't tell you that they say something else to you and when you get in the car you like I know they're talking about And he was just she was she he was telling me that this saint kept throwing up That I couldn't let this woman go. The woman I had don't let her go. Because at that point I'm like I ain't doing nobody no favors. You got to be honest with yourself. I ain't doing her no favors. She's a pretty girl. She's got

three or four more years before she could have a kid. She'd go back to Oklahoma. Where my wife is from Tennessee and be the cowboy. You know, it's gonna, is it gonna hurt me? Yeah. But in the long, I'm gonna be a better man for it. And whatever that little guy said to me, I'll never forget I got in the car and I called my wife from the car. I put the air on and I'm like, listen, here's the deal. Let's get married, ba-ba-ba-ba, I'm gonna call your dad. That I did do, I called her dad.

He didn't even know what I was talking about. What? Yeah, I'm gonna marry your wife. What? Yeah, I'm gonna marry your wife. What? Yeah, I'm gonna marry your wife. Really? Yeah. You know, that's exactly what I did. The wedding cost us a thousand bucks, Guy. That never happened.

You didn't need pigeons. We didn't need white people jumping up and down in a band and us somebody banging a glass and making believe you love each other. And my love is this is my new sister-in-law I love we don't need that we don't need that that's what fucking people want to show you something that's what that fat chick that never had dick and she gets married at 48 she's got to show everybody

she's married now fucking the dress don't even fit no more. I think she might have earned it in 48. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. So what did you get for $1,000? Well, we got the cake, a dress, my wedding band, decorations because the Hollywood Bowl gave us the lounge for free. We got Cuban food from El Cochinito, pork chunks. We got fried chicken from Ralph's, from Rock and Roll Ralph's, has the best fried chicken. And

we got pastrami from Langer's. And fucking, and that was it. And we told people they have to bring a gift and it was on a Wednesday night. Yeah. I didn't want to put anybody out. Because when you have a fucking wedding on a Saturday, you put me to fuck out Okay, that's eight hours out of my fucking day. Let's narrow that down We got married one of those shapples on Willsha you walk in the midget comes out in the tuxedo Bop bop bop your sign we got in the fucking car and drove a half a mile up to the fucking Hollywood Bowl Everybody came with jeans and t-shirts. I did not give a fuck and

it was perfect and 16 years later was still fucking together So you want to talk to me about having pigeons and kissing everybody and white people everybody dressed in white suits And you don't need that shit at the end of the day, but you got to convince this chick you're marrying that That's the problem. You got to convince this chick you're marrying then. That's the problem. You gotta convince this poor girl that since she's been eight, she's been having a dream to marry a prince and you're gonna come in on a white horse and her dad's gonna pay for everything.

You know, that's the problem you have. It's pretty tough to convince a woman that we're not gonna get married like that. For what, for your fucking goofy friends? For those retards? No, I'm not getting married. We're getting married for us. I agree with that and I will say,

because I was teasing you when you reminded me about proposing over the phone, but there's a lot of people who are really unhappy in marriages and who are just like, they felt like they had to do it or they were giving up because they were getting older or for a million reasons people get married that they shouldn't And like you know like you said you're about to hit it

We talked with an episode or two ago, but 20 years about 35 year old Oh, no, but yeah, that's a 35 year old woman and 40 year old man I mean listen the biggest thing in this country right now is loneliness Okay, you see it every day, you read about it. People depend on, they've depended on this online dating and it's taken them out of going to bars and talking to people. They depended too much on online dating. Guys my age are supposed to be really fucking bored.

They're getting there. I'm getting there. That's why I do what I do. People my age get a dog. At least they walk a dog three times a day and you lose your mind, you talk to the dog, you buy cookies for the... Whatever the fuck you do. But right now a lot of people are fucking lonely though. It's hard to meet people, very hard to meet women, but I believe in something. There's an ass for every champ. Okay?

And you just got to get out there. And I've seen it. I've seen it. I've seen it. I fucking seen it right in front of my eyes. Chicks that can't catch a break and they marry some white dude and boom, they have a kid. You know, I just saw a girl on Facebook. I remember when this girl was struggling she's a fucking producer now her husband started producing fucking films they had a kid

I know this girl 20 fucking years she was an assistant you know I believe in it I seen it it's just believing that you're gonna meet somebody nice and fucking dropping your fucking whatever Your guys everybody wants a beauty queen, but you're 50 you're missing a tooth You know you live in your mother's basement. What's gonna happen? What fucking beauty queen are you gonna draw take what you want take what you can get? Like the man says what's the stone say you can't get what you want, but you get what you need, okay? Have you ever had that conversation with you get what you need, okay?

Have you ever had that conversation with a friend like you need to lower your standards? No, because they got no standards. They got friends that got no standards. That's true. You a little bit, George got no standards. He gets hooks up with a chick, next thing you know he's driving to the chemo.

You know, he don't give a fuck. Next thing you know, where are you, joining my chemo? I gotta call you back. I regret this piece of pussy. Yeah, you're gonna glow in the dark now. Because she sucks your dick with that chemo juice in her mouth.

Ha ha ha ha ha. I don't know where to go from chemo juice, to be very honest with you. Chemo juice is chemo juice. I don't know what to tell you. I had a good time with you guys today. I hope you have a great week. I want to thank...

We had Bluechew and we had Hewl. And Hewl, I want to thank them for sponsoring this. I want to thank you guys. What do you got this week, Cinderella? This week I'm all over New York throughout the week. Check out my Instagram. And yeah, I got shows coming up. Why don't you tell them?

So Broadway, Comedy Club, Wednesday night, Tuesday night I'm at Sheba's at the Three Monkeys Bar. And then Friday night at midnight, I'm on the Upper East Side. I'll have an exact date for you. You see, I got nothing. I'm on the Upper East Side. I'll have a nice act date for you. See I got nothing I Got nothing all week. I might pop up somewhere. I don't know. I got nothing. I got problems I got a little doctor on Wednesday and that tells me what they're gonna put me back in the hospital for good

And we won't be doing this podcast live no more we doing it No, you'll be here with fucking the boys and I'll be in the hospital room coming direct from fucking I can't even do this I'll be missing an ear. I'll just be on this hand here I'll be around cocksuckers. Thank you for watching and listening stay black Hey, Uncle Joe here, it's a beautiful day to be alive. I want to talk to you about Bluetooth. Listen, even if the rest of your life is a disaster, you can at least have some great sex with Bluetooth. In other words, you can sling have some great sex with blue chew in other words

you could sling dick like a fucking animal blue chew helps men be stronger harder and longer lasting so you have the time to pull out all your tricks in the bedroom listen you can be giving her stabbing and breaking bottles against the wall the next day people say how is the sex it was tremendous there was a lot of stuff going on in that room. Listen, just sign up at BlueChu.com. Consult with one of their licensed medical providers and once you get approved, your prescription

will be at your doorstep in days. You're gonna love it. The mailman don't even know what he's delivering. Make life easier by getting harder and discovering your options at BlueChu.com. And we got a special deal for church listeners. it by getting harder and discovering your options at BlueChu.com. And we got a special deal for church listeners. Try your first month of BlueChu absolutely free when you press in promo code Joey, J-O-E-Y,

just pay to find out shipping. That's it. That's promo code Joey and you're going to change your life. You're going to sling dick like a gladiator. You understand me? You're going to bust bottles over your head. You're gonna sling dick like a gladiator. You understand me? You're gonna bust bottles over your head. You're gonna be a fucking savage women will be calling you from all over the world Hi, are you available this sad? Listen, I'm busy with blue chew visit blue chew comm for more details and important safety Information and I want to thank blue chew for sponsoring the show and to help me sling dick at 62. You know I'm saying