What's Your Drama - Ex Best Friends & Tropical Love

Episode Date: June 10, 2021

By now you might think Bennifer 2021 is old news but I still can't seem to get over the fact that they are back on. I'm concerned for JLo and her love ways, but it should come as no surprise that Lainey finds no issue with it at all.  Then it's time to get into your drama and you guys brought the heat.First up is Sarissa who is still licking old best friend breakup wounds. Laura is, in Sarissa's words, "that toxic friend", but she still feels regret on how it ended. Should she reach out or just leave it be?Then it's on to Jennifer who hits us up with a rant. She's trying to get to the next phase in her life but her partner's brother is shitting on these plans. We help her out with setting some strict ass boundaries.Lastly, we wrap things up with Mila who is earning major air miles trying to make a relationship work. I let Lainey deliver the bad news to Mila so that for once, I’m not always the person to tell someone to break up.We hope you enjoy the show and keep sending me all your DRAMA! Send your advice questions my way at [e-mail]. We also love hearing from you on Twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and make sure to leave feedback and comments because it helps others find our show!  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

you know she says i feel he loves me but i'm like what's love how tell me what are the details hi i'm laney louie talk show host and entertainment reporter i'm also the editor of laneygossip.com and i am a bts yeah you are i'm sasha tong i am a producer at an entertainment show here in canada I'm also a fashion and beauty columnist on LaineyGossett.com. And I am not a big BTS fan. But this is What's Your Drama? Where we gossip about you.

Don't tell me that you're going to complain about. Don't tell me you're going to complain about Bennifer. I'm not. Everybody's happy about this. I'm very happy with this. And I don't want to be like, oh, like Ben and Jen are together. Obviously, they're together. It's been news for weeks.

But from like from our vantage point as a podcast that talks about drama, how do you feel about? And I love Jennifer Lopez. Please do not get me wrong. But she was engaged to what's his face? What's his name? I hate him. That's why I'm like, nobody cares anymore. Right.

Who cares? Yeah. That person, like they had plans to get married. And then within just a couple of weeks, she pivoted and is now with her ex-boyfriend. And they are like knee deep in their relationship, like in love. And so, yes, as like taking this from like the what's your drama? Like what's Jennifer Lopez's drama when it comes to relationships? I know she loves love.

First of all, you skipped a step, which is that A-Rod was sliding into people's DMs. Still, don't you want to feel the pain of, like, your man cheating on you? Like, don't you need to find yourself, find why you keep on getting into shitty relationships? That's the beauty of J-Lo. Like, she's not going to stick around and feel the pain. Or if she did feel the pain, her pain threshold or pain, like, time is so much less than ours. And she's like, I'm going to bounce. Oh, hi, Ben.

Let's pick it up. I think the reason why she's been engaged, like, 17 times and has had, like, a slew of many men in her life, like very quickly is because she doesn't digest the feelings of the previous relationship. I don't know. I feel like she's actually really, I don't think that you can, again, talk about processing feelings in a box, right? Like, you know, that is a template that's like, you know, it's a schedule. And what if someone's schedule to get over some shit is two years and what if someone

else's is two weeks? Every time it's two weeks, come on. Listen, I'm not pigeonholing her into like she doesn't process her emotions, but she really does get on with it real quick. And that's why I think like like when she got together with A-Rod, I was like, A-Rod's a piece of like who stuck onto the bottom of my shoe. He sucks. Like anyone with half a brain would have been like, don't fucking get with him. Get back with Casper. At least get back with Casper before you get back.

but don't you love i but i do love that she like is like she'll get together with someone who's like a plus plus listen and then she'll get and then plebby she's so high low which i love it anyway so you have no problems i have no problems but i'm sort of just like a bit suspect with like how she deals with breakups i don't think she does i i i also think that in that a rod relationship I don't think that there was any heat there. I mean, I think that it was, oh, look, on paper, we match, right? We're two moguls and we have kids that are around the same age. And culturally, we have so many similarities and we can merge all these entrepreneurial things.

But was there like hate? No. And I think it makes it, like, do I think that she was, if I were to psychologize her, do I think that she was deeply in love, like the way that J-Lo has, you know, talked about being in love with A-Rod? Fuck no. Right. Well, yeah, I know. You're right. And so that makes it easier to get over.

What I would do, can you imagine, like, Blue Sky if Jennifer Lopez just wanted to be on this podcast to talk about relationships? I would that would be the biggest dream come true because I feel like I'd like to know more well you know what I'd like to know more about that I wish that people would ask her about that because she's either really shitty at relationships or she has like like relationship advice dialed in like she's either I would be curious to know what kind of friend she is when she's like that what she's talking about boyfriends and ex-boyfriends is she just like yeah yeah go date that person that you dated 10 years ago that's a good plan well I'm I listen I would love to have j-lo on this podcast talk about anything that's true that's true we could talk

about her skin yeah we could talk about her dancing yeah we could talk about fitness everything we could talk about her business yeah we talk about everything um and then that's never gonna talk to us about it right that's never gonna happen what what what happened to you like from a couple months ago weren't you the one we were talking about on this podcast about manifesting that was not me I secretly think about manifesting but I sure as shit would not talk to you about manifesting I know that I have other friends to do that with definitely not you that is for sure why don't you think no you don't like to talk about stuff like that I wish you were but it would actually creep me out if I had to talk to you about like dreams and like uh like writing

down feelings. Like, no way. Thank you. Do you think she would be a good person to talk to about manifesting? Anybody would be but you. Yes, of course. That shit has like, she definitely has a dream board. Okay. Should we get to the drama? Yes. Okay. So hi, Sasha and Lainey. I have a big story for you. This does look like a long story. So dig in everybody. All right. So my name is Sarissa, I'm 24, and my ex-best friend, Laura, also 24. We have not spoken now for almost two years. We became really good friends in university. We studied similar programs, shared many mutual friends, went traveling together, and we even lived together for a year. When we moved in together, I got my first serious boyfriend, Zach, and we became very close and fell

in love quickly. I'm only mentioning this because I think it's important background. Because of my new relationship, I wasn't as wild anymore and I spent a lot of nights with Zach instead of going out with Laura partying because I didn't need to. I felt like Laura was really annoyed that I became less fun right when we moved in together. She never said she didn't like Zach, but whenever he wasn't around, she would kind of talk shit about him. Nothing crazy, just sort of make fun of him in a strange way. And Zach never liked Laura, but she was my roommate and best friend, so he put up with her.

Upon us moving out of the apartment together, Laura actually moved abroad a few weeks before our lease was over, so I was left to clean up the apartment and deal with getting our security deposit back from our landlord. I arranged for a professional cleaning team to come and do the move-out clean so I didn't have to do it all by myself. However, our landlords turned out to be super rude and aggressive on the move-out day, saying it wasn't clean enough and that we should have got the carpets professionally cleaned as well, even though that wasn't in our tenancy agreement. Zach ended up saving the day and going to the store to rent a carpet cleaner and spent the next two hours deep cleaning my room

and Laura's. I called Laura later really upset with how the situation went down and explained to her that Zach was a huge help and paid for all the cleaning supplies. I said I wanted us to pay Zach for all the labor he provided and the supplies he rented. She agreed at first but then later decided it wasn't fair for her to pay for anything. She also said her financial situation was tough so she couldn't spare any extra money. This pissed me off because I wasn't asking for hundreds of I was only asking her to cover the costs of what had to be done in order for us to get her deposit back. Her parents also paid for everything she had so I didn't understand why she couldn't ask them for $50 if they already had been paying for her rent for the last year. She said I wasn't

being respectful of her situation considering she just moved to a new country and was working a low-paying job. I get it we're students we don't have a lot of money but this apartment was equally her responsibility and she's required to hold up her end of the bargain. After some back and forth she ended up sending Zach some money but then requested that she and I take a break from our friendship the break never ended I was fine with that at the time because I was pretty annoyed and how about how petty she was being and felt like she gaslit me by saying I was not understanding her financial hardships I'm honestly pretty over our friendship as this incident was almost two years ago but I just wish our but I just wish our friendship didn't end over something so stupid

I wish we could still be friendly but I don't think I would ever want to be super close with her again she's way too much drama and was always quote that toxic friend at this point is it something i should just continue to forget about or should i extend the olive branch to try and make amends she still loves abroad she still lives abroad but i know she comes home for holidays thanks in advance okay so the question here is should sarissa reach out to laura and see if they can make up as friends no what do you think no no well it's the friend's name again laura laura i just don't think like like yeah she's our writers correct in terms of like uh kind of a bummer that it ended over like 50 bucks um but and i wish i had more backstory like i

always do because like why was she the toxic friend what other toxic shit did she used to do like yeah um i would love to have more intel on that but yeah like it sucks that 50 bucks was the deal breaker but it seems like in fact kind of the best way to get out of a friendship like there didn't have to be some big fight about her toxic behavior it was just like oh okay fine like we ended it on this like it came to that this was the straw that broke the camel's back and that's where we are like i wouldn't i would personally never revisit a friendship um that felt toxic that felt too dramatic and that also like was uh slightly disrespectful i feel like towards her friend and not like trying to like support her relationship and all that sort of stuff to me

yawn fest like I'm congratulations that Laura is no longer in your life that's how I feel about it I I feel the same way too I'm just curious as to like out of one side of her mouth Sarissa's like I'm over it I know this is a toxic friend and then the other is like I'm curious I it bothers me how I like you know how can you say those two statements don't match up to me no like you can't be like this person is toxic I really don't miss them but hey should I reach out so something there because those things are so incongruent I'm curious what the intersection is I think then I yeah I don't think Sarissa has closure I think that's part of it I think Sarissa doesn't have closure because Laura has the upper hand in this weird like way that they broke up right Laura was

like let's take a time out and then sarissa never got to be vocal about why she also wanted that fucking time out and might also not want to fucking come back to it right but she didn't get her chance to really be like well no i want to end it with you because it just kind of like evaporated and that's probably fucking frustrating so this is about like petty bitterness yes like you just want to have your say you want to have look i think you're a bitch too yeah exactly Exactly. Totally. I think so.

You know, you suck more than me. Totally. You were toxic. You didn't like my boyfriend. Right. You didn't fucking want to pay 50 bucks. You left the fucking apartment dirty. Like she didn't get to say her piece.

And I think that's probably what's eating her up a bit. I think that's, I definitely think that's the, like Sarissa, are we calling you here? Or have we nailed it? Yeah. Is this the thing? Because I've been there. Like, yeah. Where have you been?

Sometimes it burns you. What have you been? No. Sometimes it burns you inside. Like you want to, even small things, right? Like, you know, if someone cuts you off in traffic, sometimes I'll spend the whole rest of the day daydreaming about what I would do if I wasn't so afraid of like being shot if I drove up next to them and yelling at them.

Do you know what Corey does all the time? He gives the finger to everybody. And it's the weirdest thing. Like, I get it. Like, I've done it before, but he does it all the time. And I always say to him, like, we live in a neighborhood whereby we know some people. What would you do if, like, your boss or, like, Lainey or anybody was driving by and you were the one fucking so aggro giving the finger? He does it all the time.

I actually think it's psychotic behavior. But anyway, I digress. Go on. No, I mean, it's like I don't give the finger, but there are things that bother me that people do. Eats you up all day. It eats me up all day. And then, so I spend the rest of the day fantasizing about, you know, what I would do to that person who cut me off or to whatever, right? So I get where, I think that Sarissa's issue might come from that same place.

Obviously, it's deeper and more profound. Sarissa didn't get to give the finger. She didn't get to give the finger. Yeah. You know, there are some times in life, Sarissa, where you're good. I mean, clearly, it seems like you're doing okay. um if but you know if if this is what it's about then understand that you know it you're compelled by something it natural petty is natural yeah but neither one of us thinks that you should

rekindle that no um i will say though that although that is probably 99 of the reason why sarissa wants to reconnect or i think there is also one percent possibility of something else which is so i was with sarissa through all of this the one part i didn't love okay is this part and maybe it's the way that she worded it was i said i wanted us to pay zach for all the labor he provided and the supplies he rented supplies for the rental of the carpet cleaner? 100%. The labor? Real weird to me. She's only asking for 50 bucks. So she actually also thought Zach's labor was worth like a penny because it's $49.99 to rent a fucking carpet cleaner. But I want to know how that came out, right? Yes. Like that's the thing. I know it

amounted to $50, but I want to know how that came out in the conversation. Hey, Laura, so this is what happened it was so shitty but then zach saved the day he went to go and rent the thing so i think we need to pay him back for the carpet cleaner and also like you know he put in like five hours of work yeah like that's right in my mind i i i think that's i think that there's a time in your life and they're in their 20s where you know you fucking help each other move yeah and it is like a really weird thing that's why when we get old enough we never help our friends move anymore because that shit is just fucking stupid. I don't want to help.

I love you, Sasha, but when you move, pay for your fucking own mover. Right, right, right, yes. Right? But for anybody who's helped their friend move, imagine having that conversation. Usually, like, I guess in the old days, I don't know how you kids do it anymore,

you help a friend move, then the friend who is moving treats everyone to pizza. And the pizza comes, and you eat around the boxes. And everyone's happy. then do you does the friend go up to you and hit you up hey so uh i spent three hours here and my fucking i'm clocking you at 20 bucks an hour so can i get uh 60 bucks right it's fucked up but to me that's so fucking awkward but all she was asking was was for 50 bucks cumulative for rental and his labor and i think really she threw in the labor as a passive-aggressive dig which was like

fuck you bitch you dirty ass hoe like you didn't fucking clean up your shit and my boyfriend who you fucking always like talk one side of your mouth is was the one who fucking cleaned up your shit like yeah i get it i get it like i get it on but coming across i'm getting like coming across and i wonder if i i don't know we don't know how all these conversations went down and i wonder over the last two years sarissa's been replaying all the conversations in her head what was said to who and who said what back and whether or not there may have been a little yeah passive aggressive. Well, my boyfriend spent five hours helping us move. You know, his time is worth money too. And I wouldn't take that. Well, I would be like, that's your fucking boyfriend. You know,

he loves you. That's why he was helping you. Don't put a fucking price tag on that and send me an invoice. Are we doing accounting here over love? But it was 50 bucks. I understand. But like 50, clearly 50 bucks to them is a lot of money at 24 years old. Like, I mean, no at 24 years old 50 bucks is not a lot sorry it's not well so people are acting like it's a lot so i'm gonna i'm gonna make it so that in their world 50 bucks okay fine fine i get what you're saying i get what you're saying i'm sure it came across pissy and that's why laura was like fuck you or like let's take let's take a break i'm sure she yeah laura obviously has her own bag of dicks that she is like dragging with her for sure around so she has a point of view she has

like another side of the story but my advice to sarissa i don't remember her name is that what it is yeah is to her fake name yeah move on and who cares bye laura anyway yes the point of the story though sarissa is you know we were just exploring why you felt this itch so let us know if we're right but no don't contact laura anymore yeah get over it okay next hi sasha laney i'm in need of some advice and maybe validation around a situation with my boyfriend and his younger brother for the purposes of the question i'll refer to my boyfriend as ben his younger brother as casey and you can call me jennifer there we go i've been with ben for two years and we've been living together since late 2020 december ever since i met ben his little brother casey has been living

with him. Casey is 10 years younger than Ben and in his late 20s. Ben and I had been talking about moving in together for about six months prior to me moving in with him, and one spot of contention, for me anyway, was Casey. Ben made it really clear that he was not comfortable with asking Casey to move out, and we agreed then that I would move in for a few months, and then we'd start looking for a home to buy together, and at the time, it would be a natural process for Casey to then be out on his own. I really struggled with this, and this is where the resentment started to grow and fester. I couldn't understand why Casey wasn't taking the hint and moving out on his own to give us space and move on to the next chapter in our lives. And I couldn't understand

why Ben wasn't pushing him. This was messing with the vision I had with my partner for the first time and it was incredibly frustrating. One night before I moved in, I pushed Ben on the issue a little bit more. I asked what the real issue was with Casey spreading his wings and moving on as all adults do. I just couldn't understand why I had to be okay with this. This is when Ben broke down, literally in tears, and shared more about the family history. Ben and Casey have no living parents. They share the same mother, but she tragically passed away along with a sister about five years ago. There were addiction issues in the home, and with there being a 10-year age gap, Ben did what was best for himself and left that home at 18, and he feels he abandoned Casey in

an environment that was not good and likely contributed to a lot of his current shortfalls as a functioning adult. Ben feels a lot of guilt about that and immense responsibility for his brother's well-being. It's heartbreaking to see and hear. So the fear of feeling like he's casting Casey out and abandoning him is very real. So with this knowledge, I've sucked it up

for the last six months, and the three of us have been living together. Fast forward to present day, and I'm so excited that Ben and I have bought our first home together, and we get the keys in a week. We are so excited. We can't wait.

I can't wait to start a new chapter together and be alone and I hate that Casey's situation is tainting the experience. Ben communicated with Casey early on that we'd be looking for a home in the spring summer. He had a lot of warning and time. Fortunately, Casey is in a field that makes it easy for him to transfer offices and he was able to secure a position in their home city about two hours away. Casey is not a doer and Ben has often described him as someone who will do whatever is easiest for himself, like selfish as fuck. He won't get a COVID vaccine, for example. What? Okay. I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Why wouldn't you get a COVID vaccine if you're someone who will do whatever is easiest

for himself? Okay. Anyway, with the news of the job lined up in good time, Ben and I felt really encouraged and happy that we didn't have to push Casey and nag him to get shit moving like we thought. Life was great for about two weeks, and I thought it was all working out. Casey even had a sublet lined up. Forward to this week and Casey hasn't been very proactive and communicating with us the details of his move, which is annoying in itself. We're trying to plan here. Maybe you can help or act interested. We're constantly packing at this point and movers are lined up. When Ben checked in with Casey about his plans, Casey then shared that he was still waiting on a move-in date. The family friend of his who's subletting the apartment is moving to the States, but the pandemic

has slowed every process down and there's no definite date in sight it then slowly started to dawn on me Casey will probably be moving with us to the new house likely for maybe the first month but because I don't trust his planning it could be more I am so resentful frustrated angry and feel guilt for feeling these things I'm trying to keep Ben in my mind's eye and remembering that by supporting Casey I'm ultimately some ultimately supporting Ben because this relationship is so important to him and his brother's well-being but what about me I've had to do a hell of a lot of compromising and being understanding and having Casey move into our new home with us sharing a bathroom being in our space when we've been trying okay so we get it I'm just gonna skip um and for

what all because this man child can't think critically okay we get it um another factor Casey is a selfish dick uh he has no emotional intelligence yeah okay um okay so he doesn't make small talk. I got, uh, he didn't congratulate them when they got the house. Um, he's in his late twenties though. It really hurt. Um, and he only cared about himself when he found out about the house. I recognize this resentment has been stewing ever since I moved in. And so, so I guess my question to you both is how can I move on to this next chapter and manage this resentment? I often think this would be much easier if he and I were close in some way, but why should I be so understanding and patient with someone who has never thought of me or my feelings once? I'm

really struggling here when i should be 100 focused on my exciting next chapter thanks for the time and uh think okay jennifer okay jennifer got it jennifer needed to vent yeah she really did and i hear you jennifer i would yeah so yeah okay so casey is like freeloading yes and right what do you call a couch surfer or whatever sure he's just kind of useless yeah this time yeah in his life which and obviously jennifer um also feels empathy and sympathy for him like i'm sure you and i do lady because dudes have been through some emotional trauma and that is hard to sometimes pick your life up and deal with that sort of stuff so he's he's like a lost puppy what do you do with the lost puppy, you let them in. I know that's not what she wants to hear. And I feel I would

probably fucking pull out all my hair as well, especially having to live with someone who doesn't want to even put in the energy to get to know me. But I feel like we're at the last, we're at the last fucking leg of this marathon, right? Like, yes. Does Jennifer want this to be different? Of course. Does she want to fucking like knock boots in her new home with her shitty boyfriend's brother next to her. No, I get that. But it's probably, he does have something lined up. And I think what you need to do with Casey, or I think what you need to tell your boyfriend or husband, what is he? I don't know what he is, your partner, to let Casey know that there is like a lease up when it comes to staying with them, that he will give him six weeks. You can

even be generous. So it's not even just a month. You have six weeks to get your shit sorted. You're allowed to stay with us help us move into our new place but after six weeks I need you to make sure that you move to your next place like I think there needs to be some concrete like here's your yeah here's your start and end date the end yeah I I'm I like I'm not so confident that Casey's going to get a shit together right because I feel like I can see it where he like we saw it coming in in this message right like we were so excited and he had lined up a place it was all good and then boom right and then so they all move in and then one thing like is going to change and then it's going to turn into two months and then it's going to turn into four

months and boom it's six months and then you're like what the fuck right so you're right I do think that there's nothing they can do about it now no um but there has to be a very clearly communicated plan yes about timelines and boundaries and I also think that um you know what you can say. I'm not sure what conversations you've had with Ben, uh, Jennifer, but I get like, of course Ben's like, Oh, I feel responsible. I feel guilty. Cause in many ways he's kind of like a brother parent. Yeah. And so if, if that's the mindset, how do you parent kids? Sometimes you have to let them fall. Like if you give them guardrails, yeah. If you give them guardrails all the time they'll never be able to stand up and so in this situation i wonder if you can

i'm not sure jennifer what conversations you've had with ben but like encouraging his parent that's why parenting is so fucking tough like i yeah you know that's i have no desire to do it but i watch friends i watch people and you have to kind of like hold your breath and let them make their mistakes and like you know and that's how people learn and this this there's a difference between like the fact that you said that he's selfish he's been through a lot of trauma but she also saying he's selfish yeah because he hasn't been asked to actually like do you know exactly yeah so this is actually good for his development but you have to set those boundaries and I would also like, you know, now that he's moving in and you guys bought a house, you have expenses. So some

of the boundaries while he's living there can also be, Hey, smart. So, um, can we divide up the chores or groceries or heat or electricity or whatever? Can we divide up that payment? Yeah. Or like I'm doing like, I know he's in his twenties, but we have to backtrack and like, this is a teenager now. And this is how you set structure for teenagers. I would do the same. And I think you're well within your rights because now you have a mortgage girl. Yeah. And so if three people are living in the house, then I think it's totally fair for you to be like, hey, when you're living here, then can you chip in? Yeah. And I think Jennifer and Ben have to be on the same page, especially in this new chapter. They're like a team, right? So they have to start acting like

one and I think I as you said like we don't know what Jennifer's talked to Ben about but a I think it would be worth it for him to listen to what you've just said Lainey because it's true um like putting up some boundaries and like you know stop being a helicopter brother parent and letting you know letting your brother fly and like let him go on his own and then on top of that I would probably like find some books for Ben like there's got to be books about like kind of like codependency and like letting like your kid or your whatever a loved one like as you said like grow and stumble and walk on his own because I think he needs some I think he needs some guidance so that he can let go of his guilt and I think what would be good for Jennifer is kind of to like when she's starting to

talk to Ben about this to kind of drop the whole why me like stop making it about you and even though I get it it should be about you and that fucking blows but I just don't think that's your best angle when you're approaching Ben. It's like, how do we best set up Casey for like a positive life moving forward? I think we need him to like, yeah. If he's going to be here for like the month of the six weeks, he needs an end date. He also needs to contribute into this household and there needs to be an action plan. And that falls on Ben. It really does. And so I hope Jen is able to communicate that and again, take herself out of the equation because it sounds really, really pissy the way that she's like, me, me, I want me. Even though I hear her, it's just not going to do

her very good in that conversation. For sure. I would center Casey in the, we're doing this for his own good. Yeah. And you get to benefit from it for sure. Yeah. But yeah, center him and what's best for him. Because in the long run it is, right? A hundred percent. If he is going to be an independent functioning adult, he's going to have to start being an independent functioning adult. Yeah. Amen. So JLo, good luck. And here's our final question. So here's someone who really needs advice on this one. I don't want to turn to anyone I know or knows my boyfriend about this. Call me Mila, 26 years old, Canadian, living in a tropical country for the last four and a half years. I traveled to another country when I was 21 and did not intend to stay that

long, but I found the love of my life there. He's the most amazing person I have ever met. We are so similar, but yet so different that it makes the relationship super fun. We established over the years an amazing relationship with each other's families and friends. We travel a lot together, laugh, and plan on soon building a house in this country and talk about a future together since, and we've talked about a future together since day one, but it's been extremely complicated for me to live my life peacefully around his country requirements living on a tourist visa. For example, I'm unable to obtain a credit card. I need to pay ridiculous travel insurance.

I need to get out of the country every 60 days to renew my visa, every year to get an international driver's license. I lost all my benefits in Canada, and on top of that, I work remotely, but I can't get paid on any of my Canadian bank account due to all these expat requirements. So my money is accumulating on PayPal, and I can't really touch it, spend it, or live my day-to-day life with it. With COVID, it's even worse.

I just went out of the country and they did not approve my visa for more than 30 days, so I need to go out of the country again very soon, not by choice, neither to a fun destination. I ended up spending all my money on flights and this paperwork mess. I'm getting really frustrated because I know that marriage is the fastest and only way to get my resident status in this country, and it hurts my feelings that my boyfriend won't help me with that after happily living together for four years. It's super difficult to make future plans not knowing if I would need to go in and out of the country all the time I feel it harder and harder for me to keep going like this

I want to be more established be able to be a resident somewhere but without putting him Putting the marriage pressure on him If the situation was the other way around and he'd be living in canada with me I'd never let him go through that for so long I feel I have been doing everything to be there with him and I know And feel he loves me with all his heart We had the discussion a couple of times and he says he wants to wait for the perfect moment, but I'm getting discouraged and frustrated with all this.

What would you do in that situation? I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I can't advance in life like this. Thank you. Okay, Mila. So I'm not sure where this is, but that sounds fucking complicated. Like Mila has to leave the country, what, every six days, get a new driver's license. Mila can't really establish real roots to a real identity, really. Like, if you can't, not that credit cards are your identity, but it helps you build, like, a life and stability.

Totally. And then with all your savings in PayPal, it means, yeah, the banks don't recognize you. Totally. So, and clearly she isn't, doesn't have roots in that way in Canada either. So it's very, yeah, it's a restless, and of course she feels unmoored. um i really really feel for mila wow that's fucking intense yeah that's intense and it seems like it's getting more intense with all those covid restrictions like having to leave every 30 days and like she's somewhere tropical so that sure shit is like at least a six hour

plane ride to get back to canada something you know what i mean yeah a very minimum okay yeah this sounds like shit so i mean i know that she says that she's talked to her boyfriend a couple of times but like i don't i and they've been together for four years i'm feeling about yeah yeah i like i'm i do you want to say it no you say it you say it no you fucking say it wow i don't want to always because i'm always the one who's like no you're the that person's a dick i'm always the dick person when it comes to this advice you be the person mila i think that what you you said it yourself you go and read back your note to us i couldn't you said that if you the situation was reversed you wouldn't want to see him go through what

you've been going through like who would i'm trying to picture and i'm pretty spoiled in my marriage like my yeah dude does everything for him for me yes like he's gonna love hearing this too I know I'm gonna get a text being like yeah I totally do everything she wouldn't survive without me and it's true it's true I and and but I like but I appreciate it you know and I I couldn't watch him like you know for him to see that you go to these lengths yeah to be with him yeah to leave to deplete your savings to have to but also doesn't he miss her too like isn't he like oh my god you have to leave again this is so sad and hard for our relationship i just you know she says he i feel he loves me but i'm like

what's love how tell me what are the details you Mila give me some details of how he loves you she did in the beginning she did say that they like he's amazing and they laugh and they do the things and there are all the things that's having fun together how does he love her how does he show her he loves her like their families get along great I mean right to me it sounds like he's so convenienced by her he hasn't had to lift a love finger no no and i'm not saying love has to be all sacrifice i'm not saying that but when she sacrifices all the time every 60 days to be together i want to know what his like match is and i'm not saying love also has to be a ledger like you know i'm trying to like bat down all these it kind of does though it kind of does he

needs to do some heavy lifting. Yes, exactly. There has to be a meeting. That's why relationships have to be equal. That's why equality is important in a relationship. To me, I'm looking at this relationship, Mila, and there is an imbalance. Like, wow, an imbalance. So when we're talking about that ledger, sometimes as Sasha says, you know, you don't have to tit for tat all the time, but it can't be such a gross mismatch no totally I know I know and I feel bad and like I would just if I like either Mila can like handle stress like nobody's business or she's falling apart either way the fact that he hasn't seen either of those sides like oh babe like holy shit you're doing a fucking like a lot of shit right now let me help you or oh my god you're in shambles because you

have to fucking pack up your life every 60 days and peace out and you have like no actual like tangible fucking money yeah like the fact that that hasn't like listen i get that he doesn't maybe want to put a ring on it for that special moment but fucking put a ring on it for that fucking visa like the fact that he won't even do that as like an exchange of goodwill and of like having a history together for four years and caring about you and loving you that's whack to me, but I, so like, what, what are you telling me? What are you telling me? Well, I just want to go back to what, here's what I'm going to tell her. Do you, Sash, do you know what like Maslow's hierarchy of needs is? No. So it's that pyramid, right? Like essentially it's, it's a,

it's a happiness theory, but it's essentially not a happiness theory. It's a theory of, how do I explain it, Maslow's? Google it. It's a psychology concept, let's say. It's a psychology concept that essentially identifies what people need in order to be fulfilled. And so it's a pyramid. So at the bottom, foundation is like a certain set of conditions. And then once you've met those, then you can go to the next level of fulfillment, right? And then the next and the next, right? It's very basic if you really think it out, but Maslow was the one who really like spelled it out. Anyway, so when I think about Maslow's hierarchy of needs, at the bottom is safety, belonging. We can't thrive in other ways of life,

You know, finding happiness in our job and having friendships, traveling, whatever it is, if we have no basic sense of belonging and safety, we can't do anything else, right? Because we don't have a foundation. And so Mila, you, I'm telling you right now that you might be in love and you might believe that this man loves you but you can't truly be happy unless you belong somewhere and I'm sorry to tell you but you've told us you belong nowhere oh my god I want to literally set my heart on fire that was very well done Lainey it's true and that's so fucking sad yes yeah and belonging doesn't have to be a physical space belonging can be a spiritual place which a

relationship right a friend group but but i can't say to you it doesn't sound to me like you have you you have belonging you have a home in this relationship yeah and so what is my advice to her is if he's not gonna marry you and get this settled even though he's told you he loves you and you have said to each other, you want to spend the rest of your lives together from day one. You fill in the rest. Right. Not you, Sasha, but Mila. No, no, I know. I'll leave it to Mila. Yeah. Well, you're right. There are no roots. She's no one to lean on, you know, and you're right. There's like, there's no safety, right? There's nobody that you can be like, I am drowning in my debt and non-belongingness anywhere. Help me. Like you have the, you have your proverbial

land up and he's not fucking taking it and that really blows so yeah i think you're right lady like i don't think we're in the place to say anything i feel like you've delivered the facts to her pretty like heartfelt and mila needs to like come to terms with that herself like that's the growth yeah that she needs to do because yeah she's writing us flailing and she finds it you know it's you and i that she's asking for you shouldn't be having this discussion with laney at you should be having this fucking discussion with your dude and if he's not willing to help you then like yeah as lady said where's the foundation there is none i i also like not to pile on but that reason that she gave i've talked to him about marriage a couple times here let me

see what exactly she said i've talked to him about marriage a couple times he said it wasn't the right time like um okay he wants a special moment he wants to wait for the perfect moment so i get that i mean everybody has these fantasies but i i'm picturing you every 60 days fucking put your passport in your backpack and get on a plane and be tired and unmoored once again and just have no anchor anywhere versus his fantasy of the perfect moment and i'm like the perfect romantic moment would be one of the days where you're getting on the plane and him saying to you i don't know in some cheesy romantic way baby you're not getting on that plane today that not this time no oh my god not then you're gonna get to go on the plane

you're gonna pack her shit do it on the on one of the days she's fucking on land with him do it on the day before what are you doing i'm packing no you're not i have to i have to go tomorrow otherwise they'll kick me out they'll arrest why does everything have to be this okay and then what then they kiss and then i but i'm just saying right like his search for the perfect moment. Again, imbalance. Balanced out with the shittiness of her having to go every 16 days. Like, dude, fuck your perfect moment. God. Yeah. And you're right, Mila. You can't force someone to marry you 100%. But if that is you floundering is, what am I trying to say? If you floundering is the consequence or the alternative to you not forcing, quote, someone to marry

you, then you are putting yourself second best, second class citizenship, and that's why, girl, you have no citizenship. Oh my God, the fact that you wrapped that up in terms of a visa, good for you. Anyway, good luck, Mila. Yeah. I mean, I would actually really like to be updated on this one. This one I'm actually- I'm sorry.

I know. Sorry, but I would actually. I'm sorry. I do really want to know what happens here. I feel really bad, Mila. I'm so sorry. That was probably not what you were expecting. Yes, she was. Do you think she likes fucking like, you know, repacking packing? Like she's basically like, why won't this man fucking step up and like engage me? Like, come on. She's coming at it from like a very normal place, which is like, what the fuck is going on? Well, Mila, you need to figure out what the fuck's going on because shit is not functioning very well in this relationship. Mila, we're sending you love. Yeah.

At least you have lots of air miles. That's worth something. I don't know. Paying a bunch of fucking flights. Anyway, who cares? I hope you do, Mila. Yeah, keep us posted. Mila, thank you.

Thanks to the rest of you for listening. Subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts. Leave comments and reviews. We really appreciate it. And keep your questions coming to me at Sasha at LadyGossip.com. Bye. Bye. We'll be right back.