What's Your Drama - The Pop in & Bailing for Your Boyfriend

Episode Date: August 13, 2020

Today we launch right into wanking off into a ziploc bag and I find out what the “cuckold scene” is. I'd suggest reading this link beforehand or admittedly, our conversation comes out of nowhere. But as we mention, please be part of this topic. We want to hear your thoughts so feel free to slide into our dm's at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. Then it's onto your drama for the week!Our first letter comes from "Jane". Jane is over her husband nagging at her ass constantly and doesn't know what to do. Is it a result or COVID close quarters or is she finally seeing her husband's true colors? Then we move on to "Brenda and Kelly". Brenda is always bailing on her friends to go be with her boyfriend and Kelly is totally over it. But as Lainey and I discuss, if that's always been Brenda's M.O. then shouldn't Kelly know what she's signing up for....?Finally, we end on my worst nightmare. "Kourtney" writes in to complain about her friend who loves to just pop on by unannounced or as Lainey calls it "Ding Dong and my three kids". I think it's majorly rude and for some reason Lainey does not agree.  We hope you enjoy the show and keep sending me all your DRAMA! Send your advice questions my way at [e-mail]. We also love hearing from you on Twitter at @sasha_tong and @laineygossip and Instagram at @lostandfoundapothecary and @laineygossip. And of course subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, and make sure to leave feedback and comments because it helps others find our show! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

But how do you fix that in a friendship if it's been happening forever? I just, the surprise ding dong, hi, I'm here with my husband and three kids. That's crazy to me. Hi, I'm Lainey, TV reporter, talk show host, and founder of LaineyGossip.com. And I'm Sasha, television producer and fashion reporter on LaineyGossip.com. This is a show where we get right up in your business. This is What's Your Drama? but we're not saying that the questions we get aren't awesome we've just never gotten

a jizz in a ziploc bag before okay and i am being okay so sorry before we press play on this i was getting lady to look up a cock hold right and i don't know what that is well a cock hold is like when you are being cheated on you are the cuckold you're being cuckolded if i'm being cheated on i'm being cuckolded yeah okay and that's and that ends up being a fantasy like some people i could use that in a sentence can you just use that in a sentence like use it in a sentence use cuckold in a sentence okay um uh this is like a spelling be for you come on this is basically your fantasy right now go fucking wank off into a ziploc um his wife's affair with the mayor of the town made him a cuckold oh okay yeah so then why is

that first why but again it's a role play situation okay we should let people know what we're talking about oh okay it has an advice column it's like a um it's a sex advice column and uh they had this crazy question this week um and like i i can't remember how i came across it but i was obsessed and so and so um it's for their column which is called um how to do it anyway so the question came to rich uh jazwiak i don't know if i'm pronouncing his last name oh yeah he's he was a writer for jezebel yeah exactly yes so love him um and the question is about this dude who said that his wife he and his wife are playing sex games um and so in covid their sex games are limited because they can't involve other people so what she and so now

they're playing sub and dom games and what she wants him and they anyway so they he said that he they used to like be on the cuckold scene and so so i don't know what that means that wasn't used in your sentence so that means that they were on the cuckold scene meaning they were maybe they get off inviting somebody like to who was like a me who's cheating on cory to do that with them got it got it got it got it okay i didn't know there was that scene that's that's my understanding of it, like given my understanding of the definition, but I'm going to look on porn sites right now and see if that meets what I think is, because that's not my, my kink, right?

Like cuckolding is not my kink, but because I Googled that and yes, every Google search was like linking me to a porn site and I was doing it off my work computer. So I was like, okay, well clearly I cannot. Okay. So I'm, I've opened up. Link to that. I've opened up a cuckold-like video, and it's a very attractive woman, and she's talking, but I'm not really sure what she's saying.

And then, oh, James Spader is in this. What? Oh, my God. Okay, this is a good movie. A lookalike James Spader? Oh, this is from the movie Crash, the cuckold scene. Okay. It's hot, though.

Maybe we do it. But what's hot? The fucking car crash scene? what are you looking at that's hot this the fucking the fucking cuckold scene between james spader in crash see you're losing me how are you seeing how are you knowing by just looking at it without audio that there's a cuckold scene well because it's labeled are there three people involved it's labeled cuckold there's a whole category of cuckold on porn sites okay for people who are there three people on in this scene so james spader is with his wife and has another

woman see according to kinkley um cuckold when used in a fetish context describes the fetish of men who find masochistic pleasure in watching their wives have sex with other men the man is complicit in the infidelity see that's exactly what i thought it was okay okay that is so way simpler that is the case anyway oh shit i better close this porn site but because i won't be able to focus while we're talking. Great. Oh, my God. Anyway, well, this makes me this makes me feel like I'm more than now. OK, good, because I was confused. All I could all I could center in on that advice question was the why they had to freeze the cum in a Ziploc bag. Anyway, for anyone who's listening, just read it. Maybe we'll link to it. Give other advice columns some love. Oh,

you did. I linked to it on Mondays. Mondays. What else? So no, today's Tuesday. Oh, sorry. I linked to it on Tuesdays. What else? Okay. Yeah. So let us know if you like if we've if we've missed the mark on anything. Let me know. Like I actually want to be educated on this. Yeah. Okay. I feel like it's a real horny time right now. Like between wet ass pussy being or WAP being the song this you know everybody's you know getting kinky and horny and gushy i feel like you are because even when we were hanging out this weekend remember i actually texted this to you you accused me of like maybe being into face mask porn on saturday i excuse me i don't remember this when everyone was talking about face masks and then and then i was talking to me i was talking

with you about face masks this weekend so it was you me lara and duanna and you said to me you were talking about face masks and you're like oh if there was face mask porn i'm sure you'd be into it remember i did not fucking say that i must have been so high because i have no recollection correct yeah and i was like i'm not turned on by masks i want people to wear them i don't want to fucking i have no ejaculate into a ziploc because of it okay i thought you meant like skin face mask not like actual COVID. No, for fuck's sake. No, COVID face mask. You did say that. Now I totally remember. I wasn't that high. There we go. Although I was. Anyway, we don't need to talk about that. All right. Are we into questions? Let's get into our questions.

Okay. Because they're just as good as the one on Slate. Okay. I love it. I love it. Love it. Okay. Here's our first question. Hey, ladies. Happy pandemic. Thanks. Okay. So I've been married for five years, but we've been together since our early 20s. Since December, we've had a baby and relocated to a new city right before the pandemic shut everything down. Since our move, I've noticed my husband has been hypercritical of everything. He'll bring up things from my past or things I did recently. He'll bring up inconsequential things. The one time I left the dog outside while grocery shopping three years ago or not picking up a dropped baby spoon immediately, getting a ticket 10 years ago or forgetting to put the recycling in the can. When I mentioned this to

him, he says I do the same thing to him and I'm sure I have during a fight, but not just out of the blue. Sometimes he says these things in a jokey fashion and other times he'll double down and just keep going about past mistakes. I really don't want him doing this to our daughter as she gets older. And I really don't know what else to do. Is this just COVID stress? Is this who he is now? Am I just being overly sensitive? Thanks for any help. You can give me whatever name you like. Okay. What's the name? You know, I'm not really good with this. Let's just call her fucking Jane. I like Jane. Okay. Okay. So Jane's husband is poking at her all the time and not in the fun, sexy, horny, gushy way. No. See, stop being so horny, Sasha. That was not me who said it,

you fucking weirdo. Okay. Let's, um, let's talk about this because I kind of see a little bit of myself in Jane's husband. Okay. Yeah. Are you always riding Corey's ass like this? well I feel like now when you spend so much time with listen I don't know what Jane's husband's like what his whole makeup is like he we can't really say 100% if it's like COVID stress or if this is just like a personality that's starting to um percolate um but I will say that it is stressful times as we've talked about many times and I think stress can come up and um show itself in different ways and I feel like with Corey and I like having been like having spent so much time together those last six months like day in day out um things fucking bug me uh like he will like

yeah but from 10 years ago maybe not from 10 years ago but they're still like they're no yes sure there's things that he's always done that I've just been like ah whatever like I'll take care of that or I'll throw that in the garbage like he has like this really annoying habit of taking something out of the package and just fucking leaving it there like leaving on the counter and with the garbage maybe one inch away like he just does that I've known that for my whole life with him but since the pandemic it's irritated me more and more and more and more and I bring it up to him all the time like I find that I am a bit naggy right um because everything feels like it's in your face right now right you know the mess uh the way you hear someone talk uh the way they like

type on their computer keyboard. Like everything is just heightened. So for me, I would give Jane's husband the benefit of the doubt and probably just say that he's maybe mishandling his stress right now. And we see this all the time that people take it out on the people they love the most and they can treat people unfairly that they love because they don't know how to internally deal with their own feelings. So I would say that that was, will most likely be what's happening in their relationship. But what happens if that becomes a habit? Well, I think you have to break the habit. I'm just saying, I think that is what is happening. What she does moving forward is, you know, ideally the next conversation we're going to have. I think for Jane too, and her

husband, it's compounded, right? Like they have a baby, then the pandemic hits. Now they're at home alone and there's a newborn. I mean, like all that, listen, you and I don't have kids and it has already been hard. The last whatever months we've lost count. So imagine like adding a kid on top of that and not just any kid, but like the most feeble kind of kid where it's just like you. Yeah. The neediest kind of human. Because they, they have to, my understanding is newborns have to like eat every hour or two hours. Right. That is true. Then everybody's underslept and then you're overstressed from this pandemic and you're like literally on top of each other in the home. Um, and you're like, I, they must have like job worries and financial, everybody has like

all that stress. So it's compound stress. And if that's the way for him, it's manifesting itself. I 100% agree that it probably is definitely a COVID thing, but yeah, the concern is we've all already started developing COVID habits that I was just going to say, we're going And as you know, it might not be like picking at your spouse, but there are things that we're now doing in COVID that have become, I hate this expression, but everybody's calling it the new normal, but like, this is the regular way.

You know how they say that they, they, they say that like, it takes what, 23 days to form a habit. Well, fuck, it's been fucking five months. So the habit of being home and doing the shit that you're doing home has formed, or at least the things that you've been doing for the last five months have formed. So what now? So that would be to me what the concern is. Jane is going to have to really, it sounds like she's addressed it, but he's kind of not getting it, right? Or he's countering and saying, well, you do the same thing too. So their communication is breaking down. Yeah. And I think that that is what they

have to work on. And typically when you're wanting to highlight someone's bad behavior, it's better to do it when that behavior is not happening at that moment because then everyone gets defensive. So I would just suggest to Jane to like when things are good, when they're like having a nice dinner or when they're just like sitting and watching a movie or whatever, when they're in a relaxed state is to bring up like, hey, you seem a bit off. You never treat me like this like just lately you've just been at me and I want to work on this like I can't we can't live in this house together if you're always pointing out the bad things I do things from the past like I think you need to have like a soft open discussion about that um and if that doesn't

work then oh my gosh there's so much online therapy right now yeah online couples therapy as well that is uh there's also so many free resources um so why not take this time to work on that, nip that shit in the bud before, as Lainey said, that it becomes a pattern into the future of your relationship. I know so many people who are doing Zoom therapy on Zoom couples therapy. And I think that this is the, if it's still out there, the misconception we have to address. Sometimes, you know, it's too late going to therapy when things are in crisis. When to go to therapy is at the beginning of when things start to bother you or when things are fine. think of it as like the gym you know you go to the gym when technically nothing is wrong you're

just maintaining overall health well i don't go to the gym but right now it's like tell me how that goes i forget or nor have i been exercising but i should but i mean i think that is how a lot of people should start thinking about therapy it's just something that you're doing to maintain healthy mental health and get stronger and get stronger. So Jane, therapy is not a bad idea here in this situation because clearly this is bothering you. It's bothering you enough where you addressed it with him and you weren't satisfied with the answer. And your, your attempts at addressing it may, if they're hitting a brick wall, then it might be time to get more creative. And I know of many couples who are doing, yeah, they're sheltering in place, but you

can do Zoom calls with your partner right next to you. And it's doing, and it's asking you to think about things a certain way and asking the other person to think about things differently. And from the conversations that I've had from people who are doing this, it, you know, you end up, you end up looking at yourself and things come up that you also need to address in you. I mean, in Jane's message to us, she says that she does bring up old things, but only during fights. And, you know, you may not be aware that you're bringing up things not during fights. Sometimes we're not aware of the things that we're doing. yeah that's problematic behavior on jane's side of things too and i would also say

something that um i've noticed like in the last two weeks is i'm fucking bored i'm bored i'm bored um and i think change of scenery and doing something different yeah there's a lot of monotony in these um during this pandemic so it's like maybe you guys have been doing the same thing maybe things feel just like really oppressive in the household so maybe it's about getting out or just mixing shit up a bit, especially with a baby, like things I would imagine feel pretty heavy and like fucking feed, shit, bathe, like it might feel too structured. So maybe just like breaking that mold a bit could allow for some freedom of feelings and emotions. And I think you could get a little further than you guys have in this current situation. So I think there's a

number of things you can do that could help the situation. So Jane, good luck. Let us know how it goes. But remember, going to therapy does not mean that it's a crisis. Totally. Okay. Next question. Hi, Sasha and Lainey. I have some minor drama developing with a relatively new friend and I'm trying to decide whether it's worth confronting her about it. Background, I met this friend. Let's call her B. Okay. Let's call her Brenda. Okay. Let's call her B. And our reader's name can be Kelly. Okay? Okay. Got it. Or writer's name. Okay. So I met this friend. let's call her Brenda via social media last year. We discovered we live in the same neighborhood and have enough mutual friends that I felt comfortable meeting her in person. We get along well and have

a lot of common interests and have since hung out several times in person, once on a group trip over a long weekend and a few times on our own. So here's the issue. Brenda is in a long-term relationship and seems to have a habit of scheduling friend hangs back to back with plans with her boyfriend. In the handful of times we've hung out, she has either showed up late or left early because she's with him. Once she arrived, once she arrived 45 minutes late to plans with me, with the boyfriend unexpectedly with her. Apparently he wanted to eat dinner together before she left to meet me and then decided he'd like to come along. She didn't give me a heads up about any of this, just turned up super late with an unexpected companion. And

I had secured a table that only fit two. So it was pretty awkward. That was earlier this year and shortly after the pandemic hit. So I let it go and didn't say anything about it. She has spent the entire pandemic in quarantine with her boyfriend out of town. This week, she was back in our city for a few days before heading out of town again. And we saw each other in person for the first time in months at her invitation. We made plans to meet at an outdoor restaurant with good COVID safety protocols. And I was really looking forward to it. I don't get out much these days and it's been really stressful at work. So you can imagine I was annoyed when halfway through our first drink, she started texting with her boyfriend. I brushed past it and just kept

chatting. She suggested we order a second drink, but shortly after they arrived, she abruptly started acting like she had to leave, clearing up her stuff, packing her bag, and then asking for the check. I asked what was up and she said her boyfriend was waiting for her at another restaurant to have dinner and she had to go. At no point when we made these plans, which were time for dinner, did she mention she didn't intend to hang with me for a meal and would be leaving for other plans with him. So I'm sitting there with half a drink still in front of me and she says sorry and bounces. Now I'm extremely annoyed and wondering if I just don't want to bother trying to develop a real friendship with this woman. I'm not in need of new friends. I have

a solid core of ride or dies and I'm never hurting for company when I want it. And her behavior with her boyfriend is just bizarre and not something I'm willing to tolerate. I should say that I've met him and though obviously I'm not inside their relationship, I don't get the sense that he is at all controlling or the one demanding this behavior as he has a very relaxed personality and seems like he's just along for the ride with her. That said, I'm wondering if you think it's worth it for me to try talking to her about this. If there is some kind of abuse dynamic in their relationship that I'm not privy to, I don't think we're close enough for her to talk to me about it. And I'm not sure we have enough of a foundation for me to call her out if this is something she's doing on her

own. But I'm hesitant to just throw the potential away if this can be addressed without a ton of drama. I would love to hear any thoughts you have. Developing new friendships as an adult is always tricky. Best. Well, we'll call her Kelly. Kelly. Yeah. Okay. So do you think that Kelly should be concerned that there is an abusive situation happening where the boyfriend is constantly like piggybacking on plans to make sure that he can pull Brenda away from whoever she might be hanging out with i mean before kelly had mentioned that obviously that was what popped into my mind but then i'm also gonna have to go by what kelly thinks is that she's met him he's pretty fucking laid back he just um it's just always there and it's interesting because there are some

um there are interestingly if none of our uh friends who have significant others bring them out. Like they're not part of the scene all the time. Um, but there are like, I've had past friendships where their boyfriends have been inserted into our friendships and it wasn't up for debate. Like they came, like they were just shadows of each other. They just always came with each other. Um, so there are dynamics in relationships where the boyfriend and the girlfriend in this situation want to do everything together. They want to be together all the time. They are attached to the hip and they come as one. So I don't think that's like, if that's the case i don't think there needs to be any like we don't need to alarm the sirens that oh my god she

could be an abusive relationship she could just be uh you know very tightly weaved with her man yeah that's a thing i think the problem here is i think brenda's um poor scheduling management like she's one of those people who just wants to be everywhere at the same time but doesn't take into account that it could inconvenience or slight other people yeah i think that's a i feel why what's your do you have spidey senses that are i don't have spidey senses about this being an abusive relationship like i just don't think that what we have here is enough to go around accusing something yeah someone of something that serious like you know she piggybacks her plans all the time. But she's a bit flaky. She seems to be a flake through and through.

She over schedules. And that is, she wants to do all these things at the same time. She wants to be with her boyfriend and she wants to be with his friend. So I just, you know, and if you're out there listening, let us know if we're wrong, but like nothing here is setting off alarm bells for me. And I know like abusive people can present as like totally normal. And that is the whole point where you know nobody really knows but again I just I just don't want to jump to that conclusion if there's there's no real evidence beyond she makes plans with me and him and like you know I don't see and everybody else yeah I would be more I would be more alarmed if um Kelly was like yeah like Brenda doesn't ever go out and when she goes out she has to leave right away it seems like

Brenda is quite the social butterfly like she's out she's doing things she does come late she does buck and bounce after a while but she's always around like she's going to the social events yeah and there are not there are no other things that are tipping kelly off like you know or i i feel like kelly would have let us know but here's here's where i look i would be more annoyed if and this is i think this is just human if brenda and kelly were friends before the relationship. And then Brenda was like, because we've all been there, right? Your friend meets somebody and then they like fucking bail on you all the time, which is a normal course of relationships. The thing with this that makes this tricky and why I don't think Kelly

should say something is this is even though Kelly might be or sorry, even though Brenda might be annoying. These were the ground rules that Brenda set up in their relationship. Totally. Like dude was around first, then Brenda and Kelly met. And Brenda has always just been like this with Kelly. She hasn't like changed up the contract, so to speak, right? Totally. This has always been the way it is. So I think the key for you, Kelly, is whether or not you can accept this in a friend. And that's what you're. Kelly said no. And if she said, yeah, I don't want to tolerate this. And you're like, you're not lacking for friends. So then then I think you have your answer. Right. These are clearly the ground rules or the conditions that you have to accept with this

friend. And if you don't want to accept them, then you don't have to accept them. Yeah, I agree. Like it can be you can either choose to have Brenda like literally breeze in and out of your life and you just don't get bothered by it or you just um actively um avoid her and don't make plans with her either way it's like a it's a win-win in a way like you either get rid of the thing that annoys you or you bring in some more friendship into your life yeah and I would just think of it as like a friend we all nobody's perfect right so obviously we all have quirks that we have to deal with with our friends so you know for me my quirk is that it really and you and I have this in common Sash is we are well you are chronically early and I'm

chronically punctual like right on time and so yeah it makes me crazy problems no it makes me crazy when friends are not on time well it makes um let's just call her out duanna crazy that i'm early right and i see why that's rude like i try to actively be late and i'm still early because i know that i'm being a dick and inconveniencing someone by showing up five minutes early when they need that extra five minutes sometimes people duanna needs those extra five minutes It's also chronically late. So the combination of the two of you is not ideal. But you kind of accept that in your friend, right?

Yeah. That is the deal. And that's what it is. I think Kelly is not close enough with Brenda to have that kind of expansion and contraction of a friendship yet. So until that happens, until they get closer, you can't really have those conversations. You can't be like, hey, B, you're fucking really annoying me. Like, you better come on time. You better stay the whole time we're out.

Like, you can't even cross that boundary. So kind of pick your poison. It's up to you. Like, pick your own adventure with this friendship because I don't think you're going to screw yourself either way. But you know what, though? Like, Kelly mentions that they have friends in common and they've done group hangs before, like this group trip. Yeah. So this just may be a friend that you see in a group setting but never solo one-on-one.

Which is great. Great. Right? Yeah. In a group setting, if her boyfriend's around or she like bounces to go check the boyfriend, then you still have other people around and it won't annoy you as much. The problem is that when you're one-on-one and you're solo, it's, yeah, it's annoying. Cause then you're just like, oh, what the fuck? Am I just going to stick my finger up my nose? Like I, you know, what do I do now? So ditch the one-on-ones. So ditch the one-on-ones, but you can still be

friendly with this person in a group setting without like making things awkward. That's totally chill. And that's the kind of friend this is. Yeah. Is that too simple? I mean, And I feel like… No, I felt like we were… No, I feel like we solved that one really well, actually. Okay, great. All right. I'm proud of us.

Ready for the next one? Yeah. Okay. Hi, Saj and Lainey. I have a friend who regularly stops by unannounced, sometimes alone… No. …and sometimes with her husband and three kids. No.

I love these people. They are my chosen family. But is it too much to ask for a heads up? Let me be clear. I'm all too happy to make plans. love a brunch, park meetup, or patio hang, but hate, hate, hate the pop-in. I have no issues seeing her or her family, but please do not ring my doorbell or text me that you're outside without an appointment. I'm only half joking about the appointment. Conversely, sometimes she'll say

things like, maybe I'll stop by later, then doesn't show. It's frustrating. I've made jokes and passive aggressive comments that would subtly suggest I don't like it, but I don't think she's picked up the cues. You may say that if we're such good friends, I should be able to tell her the truth, but she can be sensitive and I'm worried I'll hurt her feelings. How do you ladies feel about spontaneous visits from friends or family? Do you have any suggestions on how to politely address this issue and make it stop once and for all? You can use whatever name you like for this. Thanks and take care. Okay. What name do you want for this? Courtney. This feels like a Courtney question to me. Okay, Courtney. Well, it kind of leads into exactly what we were just

talking about before in in the sense that like you've known this about your friend for so long like this is who your friend is she is that person who drops by like i'm curious to know how long their friendship's been i mean she says that they're her chosen family so clearly their rider dies and have been in each other's lives for at least a couple of years i don't know can you bring that up years into a friendship and be like, you know what you've been doing our whole history of friendship has been very annoying and inconvenient to me. Oh, I don't know. I think you suck this shit up. Even though this is my worst nightmare people. So, and this is what's so surprising. I know you would probably be like, of course you don't like drop bys, but my whole, like my,

all of my high school, all of my university, my house was like the party house. People came in all the time unannounced. Like it was the place where people slept. You'd fucking wake up and there'd just be like people there yeah all the time and coming from a Yugoslav and uh Chinese background you always kind of have an open door policy in that way like Europe especially Eastern European families it's like everybody's welcome yeah so I don't know if that scarred me for life but like I don't since I've become like an adult I don't like people encroaching on my time and space without me getting a heads up so while this is my worst nightmare um and I understand And what did I give her?

What kind of shitty name did I give her? What kind of a heads up? Like half an hour? Because I- You give me half an hour heads up. I love a half an hour heads up. Yeah. I'm just like-

I can do a half an hour heads up. Am I swinging by? And I don't think you've ever said no. No, I haven't. Because that's, I feel like half an hour is a great lead time. Like if I was going to ever let you into my house during COVID, that would give me enough time to like tidy or like maybe take a shower or like something. Half an hour is a really good lead time.

But if you knocked on my door consistently, no, I would imagine if I did that to you. Never. I would never. I don't I don't think I like I yeah, I like a half hour heads up. Hey, I'm in the neighborhood. But how do you fix that in a friendship if it's been happening forever? I just the surprise ding dong. Hi, I'm here with my husband and three kids.

That's crazy to me. But I don't know. Like, I, I don't know if it's crazy to me because first of all, as we all know, I have stranger danger. Like I hate when the doorbell rings or the, and you know, during COVID cause packages arrive from work and you know, groceries get delivered and everything is, comes to your door. I live in a state of like, whenever someone knocks on the door, I'm like, oh my God, I

hate, I hate. Even though they're bringing you the neat, like the goods and services you've desired. But I, listen, I have stranger danger. I don't like people, as you know. So I'm just not that person, right? So how would you deal with someone if I just rolled up to your house and bum rushed you all the time to hang out? What would you do?

To your point, like this is an established thing. So how do you kill an established, like a pattern? We talked about patterns, like in our first question about like establishing patterns and breaking habits. Like how do you do that? And how do you do that with someone who's sensitive too? And this is, she used the word regularly. So what are we talking about?

Like fucking twice a week? Even if it was once a week. Like, listen, the other day, yesterday, my good friend Connor was dropping off these two pans that he had bought. So they were like really expensive pots and he was giving them to me for fucking free. It was the nicest gesture. So much so that he was so nice that he drove to the East End where I live, which is a half an hour drive away from him, to drop them off on my porch. Even that annoyed me. even knowing even knowing that someone was in my even someone in my square footage who's like

a dear close friend of mine was like no like he didn't get he gave me like a 15 minute heads up and that even flustered me even when I was getting gifts that bothered me so I feel unprepared and have no tools to give advice to this like I don't I actually like I feel like I'm paralyzed like I don't know what to tell Courtney. I just don't think we have enough information. Like to your point, like how long have you known each other for? Because there's two sides to this. If you've known each other for a long time, you should be, well, I don't know. She says that her friend is quite sensitive. They're family. She says that her friend can be quite sensitive and I'm worried I'll hurt her feelings. If you already know you'll hurt her feelings with this, like if you already

know then you have to balance like your irritation at the unannounced flyby is it worth causing her hurt feelings given how sensitive she is I'd like to know does it does she follow a pattern does she come on Mondays and Fridays does she come after dinner or is it like because maybe if there was a way to like see a pattern of her drop bys then maybe you could like prepare for them so maybe if she like always comes after dinner on like midweek and the weekend then maybe you can just mentally prepare yourself for that if that's not the case and she's like fucking shooting darts all over the place then again i have no i have no advice for you on how to deal with this maybe we can come up with like the grown-up friend version of the sock on the door what you're you're gonna

say hey no when you see a tie around the front door please turn away so maybe you can what i'm saying is the preempt like let's say there is you know don't do this every day but if there is one day where you just cannot handle an unannounced flyby and i'm i'm i'm gathering that these two people are so close that they must text all the time can you like preemptively be like oh today is a fucking shit show i am so busy hey if if you were planning to drop by not a good day today i'll i'll check you later i'll call you later and do it in an easy breezy way where you're just like oh my god my fucking boss just laid on me with like eight files or um so lie yeah or i fuck i have a headache today and i'm gonna be napping all day i really have to nap off this headache you know

not a good day to do a flyby like why why can't you just start preempting not every single day But on the days where you really, really can't handle ding-dong and three kids. So as soon as you wake up in the morning, you send that text. Exactly. Okay. Right? I mean, that seems like the easiest way to manage it with the least amount of emotions hurt. And don't do it every day.

That takes so much effort. Once in a while. But do you know what I mean? That takes so much effort. To eliminate. Listen, if you can reduce the fly. I'm just trying to do this. for Courtney. If Courtney can reduce the amount of flybys by even just 10%, I think Courtney would

be able to handle it better. Oh my God. Can you imagine? Did she say three kids come by to you and the husband? I fucking can't handle that. So what I'm saying is just be like, wake up eight o'clock in the morning. Holy shit. I just look at my- I have such a crazy day. I have such a crazy day. Not a good day for a flyby today. So that, yeah, you don't get the, hi, Jamie, Jane, and John Wait, let's, let's, let's just, let's just fucking point this out. So wake up in the morning, say crazy day, homie, crazy day. Please don't, please. Or however Courtney would word it.

Yeah. Yeah. Please. If you were planning to come by today, ain't the day for that. Thank you. Check in with me. You always spin it. Today's not the best day, but tomorrow looks free and clear.

Right? You always turn it around. Because if this person is sensitive, then that is a way to, like, steer it into something positive. Oh, shit. I just checked my email. Things are blowing up at work. Or, you know, I fucking ate some bad turkey last night and, like, I'm shitting and I need to take a nap. I have a headache.

Whatever. Do it once in a while. Like, once in a while. I'm not saying all the time. But start introducing that. But then at the end of the text, turn it around and be like, hey, but tomorrow's looking real good. Can't wait to see you next time. Can't wait yet.

Tomorrow's great for a flyby. Anytime. So maybe through osmosis, she'll get the hint that not every day is free game. Yeah, exactly. Maybe. Is that like a modified version of the sock on the door? I feel like that is very smart and the best option because I don't know. I mean, listen, I want to make it clear, though, to Courtney that she is not in the wrong.

Like her friend. It's some rude shit. It's some rude ass shit. i do i wouldn't come on like rude is a word that i don't know to define because there is i do think that there's a certain warmth and hominess throwbackiness to listen we're fucking weird people do not like i'm pretending i'm not weird right now i'm pretending i'm a normal person who likes people yeah to just be like oh i can't wait to go see my best friend let's just go over there i think there is something very as certain in a certain community that's charming like in the old

days. And it, you know, I can understand some people would enjoy that. I don't want to say the word rude because rude is like leaving a shitty tip and like fucking not picking up after your garbage. Um, I beg to differ. Rude is also not thinking about what your friend is dealing with that day. Or like, I think it's rude. That's not the active thought. Like Helen, I don't know, fine sure helen isn't like i'm gonna go over to courtney's because i'm gonna inconvenience that fucking cunt i'm gonna roll up with my three kids and i know she's annoyed i'm gonna ding dong right and i'm gonna ding dong and i'm gonna be like hey it's all of us jimmy john and jane fucking get out the hors d'oeuvres for us right now like helen is not thinking that all helen is

saying is oh i can't wait i i let's go by courtney's and say hi it's gonna be so fun love Courtney love love love so the intent is not like there's no rude intent there yeah it's not active but I still think it can be rude anyway it doesn't matter I I get what you're saying I you're a nicer person than I am because I would find that rude if that happened consecutively if I rolled up you're telling me I love you Lainey and if I rolled up to your house twice a week unannounced I think as much as you know my intent of wanting to hang out was good you would find that Fucking rude. I don't know that I would find it rude if it became a pattern.

You would find it annoying. A habit. Like, yes, it's annoying. That's a good word. Rude. I don't know. I don't want to attach that to Helen. Fine.

Annoying. Anyway. Fucking annoying. But as if you would fucking roll up to my house. You can't fucking. I'm going to now. I'm going to now just to see if you think it's rude or annoying. First of all.

We will take a poll. Throughout the last four or five months of this pandemic. You've come to visit me. I'm the one who logs the steps to come visit you sweaty as fuck. You haven't come to see me? Yes, and I appreciate it. Yeah, okay. Rude.

Okay, fair, fair. All right, Courtney, good luck. Try the preemptive proactive method. I'm really curious about this one. So hopefully that'll reduce the amount of ding-dongs you get. um okay keep your questions coming to me at sasha at laney gossip.com and uh don't forget to subscribe to us wherever you get your podcasts leave comments and reviews and we will be back in a couple weeks thanks for listening bye

Thank you.