Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S1 E4 Who shat on the floor at my wedding? 'Solid as a rock'

Episode Date: December 18, 2020

The team goes on a road trip back to the scene of the crime to see if they can unearth some important clues. Detective Lauren Kilby dazzles the brides with her innovative - never seen before - forensic examination techniques and they uncover something very surprising in a secret cupboard. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Previously, on Who Shit On The Floor At My Wedding. Did you or did you not shit on the floor at our wedding? I did not. As you walked into the toilet, the sinks were on the right, and then you had two cubicles on the left and then one at the end. That's how I remember it. And I went to the one at the end, and you opened the door, and the toilet was on the left-hand side.

There was, I think it was like three nuggets, and Hank was like, who the fuck's done that? I backed off because I was like, I think it was like three nuggets. And Henk was like, who the fuck's done that? I backed off because I was like, I love these girls, but I'm not picking up someone else's shit. Luckily, Henk jumped in and basically volunteered to do it. Here we are again, episode four. And no closer to finding who shat on the floor at my wedding. All the days are blending into one now. It's like a mirage of horror.

Yes, basically have not made any progress in the case after talking to Tobin. I must say I'm a little bit embarrassed about what happened last week. Why? It just became very apparent very quickly that he had nothing to do with the crime. Maybe we can just put it down to a test, a test interrogation.

That's what it was. Oh, like a warm-up session? A warm-up. Yeah, yeah, why not? I'm still not ready for the big one. I'm not ready just yet to bring in Henk. Still just warming up, really, a limbering up. And the thing is, it's also convenient that I'm not ready to talk to Henk

because he's also not ready to talk to us yet, it seems. He's kind of refusing to be questioned at this stage. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. I mean, refusing, he's a little busy at work. He's actually got work, and we're trying to get him to come in. He's avoiding me. I don't think he's, whoa. I mean, refusing, he's a little busy at work. He's actually got work. Yeah. And we're trying to get him to come. He's avoiding me. I don't think he's avoiding me.

I think he's genuinely busy. And also, I just learned something quite important in my online detective course this week. Do you want to know what? Yeah. I'm interested, yeah. Okay. It's about the investigation process.

So I decided I should learn a little bit about the process rather than just quickly finding a potential suspect and going to their house and framing them. Which is what we did last week, which they're advising you not to do. They're basically saying definitely do not do that. They're saying find out exactly what is being reported, obtain as much detail as possible before making any hypotheses. Any hypothesis made before all information is an assumption and nothing more.

Gotcha. And so what that means is we need to gather detail, gather information, rearrange ourselves. We need to go back to the crime scene. And that's what we're doing today because Karen has somehow managed to get us access to the boat. I am extremely excited. We are going to the scene of the crime.

In 100 metres at the roundabout, take the first exit onto Bergsy Lake. In three minutes, you will arrive at your destination. I can't believe someone shat on the floor at your wedding so guys how do you feel about going back to back to the place where you had arguably the best day of your lives i think my first primary concern is dealing with the boat owner, mainly because I had to call him last week to try and tell him why we needed access to the boat. And he's such a lovely man. I don't think he speaks English fluently. So my concern is he's not entirely sure. He didn't quite grasp the fact that one of our guests actually shat on his boat.

Lauren, I'm not sure we should introduce you as a detective. I'm not sure that will reassure him or soothe him. Well, he's going to take one hard look at my magnifying glass and say, what the hell is that? What I'm really hoping for is I'm hoping to just step foot into the bathroom and just for the whole crime to just be played out right in front of my very eyes. I'm kind of hoping for almost a come to Jesus moment where I am faced with the perpetrator. I am faced with the victim or I'm already with them in the car now, both of of them and I just want to visualize what happened that day and have to not really do any further work on this case because I've just

seen what happened right in front of me. So sorry can I just get this right so you're putting all of your hopes into cracking this case into just hoping that when you're actually at the crime scene you're going to have some go into a sort of psychic trance and visualize everything that happened on that day it's called a premonition karen my money's on the divine intervention the come to jesus moment i think we're going to learn a lot from uh how lauren feels and what comes to her at that moment when she sees the boat so we're coming into view of a a harbour now um which way is it this way or that way that way this way yeah no i think straight on and then in 300 meters you have reached your destination it's a big day it's a really big day right so uh we're here.

It's a beautiful boat. It really, really is. And I think it's got capacity for 200. And we used it with 100. It's got a really big open deck at the top. And then it's got this middle deck, which has massive big glass windows. And then you've got the toilets actually downstairs in the bowels of the boats yeah you can see on that second floor the windows are panoramic basically all the way around if you're sat inside at a table you really have a wonderful

view of the landscape as you're going by and that was part of the charm of the boats we just fell in love with it didn't we yeah I was kind of expecting to see a lot of kind of dark corners, you know. I mean, obviously I was at the wedding, not as a detective, but as a friend. But, you know, like ever since this crime has come about and the developments that we've made in the past few weeks, I just expect to see a dodgy boat with a lot of dark corners for doing dark, creepy things. But what I'm saying is a huge huge

open space with not a lot of room for you to get away with anything you know it's huge like if you creeped out of a place where you just shat you know you just feel like you'd be instantly exposed to the rest of the boat yeah if I was about to conduct such an audacious act, I would certainly target a boat that was preferably brown coloured rather than sparkling white with touches of beautiful silver. Let's not forget the fact that this poop was actually on the floor and not daubed on the white walls, okay? Yes, let's not forget that, Helen. Boarding the boat. Standing up onto the wonderful grey concrete floor. It might not be concrete, but it's a tough, sturdy material,

one that you would probably make boats out of. So shall we go up to the top deck? So what would you say the vibe was like on this top deck? The band started playing Ella Fitzgerald, Solid as a Rock, and we walked down the aisle and sat down on our little chairs to have the ceremony. It's funny you said Solid as a Rock, because that could be taken a couple of ways. So our relationship is still Solid as a Rock, although this has really tested it. And then the other thing, having spoken with Emma, it could have been solid as a nugget.

Yeah, just a couple of ways you could, you know, interpret that. I mean, also everyone loves a lesbian wedding. There's part curiosity from a lot of people that haven't been to one before and they, you know, they just love it. It's like it's entertainment more than anything. Yes, that is actually an incredibly good point.

And that is actually a potential motive that we haven't explored yet. Homophobic behaviour on the boat. Remember, Mike Berry suggested that as well. If it's intentional, somebody could be expressing their anger at your marriage or the anger at the relationship. They may be homophobic. And this is some way of expressing their anger with with you i would say

it's probably the second thing the first thing is is what do they do in bed that's what they're all thinking and then the second thing is what's a lesbian wedding like it's like well the same as any other wedding you fucking goon i think the first question that everyone had in their heads when they were sort of peering over the side of the boat waiting for us to arrive is who's going to wear the tux who's going to wear the suit who's the man in the relationship i do remember when we were planning and people were saying what are you going to wear and karen is more feminine than i am and wears dresses well way more than i do because i don't really wear them and i remember saying to people ah what we're going to do is we're going to get an outfit made where it's half a dress on one side and then half a tux on the other

and have it in the opposite side. So when we're dancing, it looks like we're dancing with like the opposite and spinning around and then people would look at me and say, really? So what you're saying is so we had the facade of a straight couple and yet it was actually quite the opposite. Well, it's one of Karen's favourite things is to mess with people's minds as well. So we did tell that story quite a lot. Right, so should we head downstairs to the middle deck?

Yeah, so we've got a bar, marble bar, brown marble. Nice touch. Brown floor, actually. A lot of the interior is brown. So, you know, it does make sense that you could defecate in a space like this because there's a lot of ways to hide it. We also had the photo booth at the back of this middle deck, which was right next to the bar, which is quite an important bit of evidence

because we've got all the time stamps of when our guests entered that booth and took photographs. Yes, that's a very good point. The photo booth images are suspicious, to say the least, for not just the crime that we know of, but potentially for a lot of other crimes. So let's move on. Carry the computer, please. So we're now going downstairs, below deck, to the ladies' bathroom. I'm passing the mic over to Detective Lauren Kilby, ready for her to assess the crime scene.

Here we are. I'm looking at the door to the ladies' bathroom. Now, it is clearly the ladies' bathroom. It has a typical outline of a woman because it's wearing a dress, and obviously that screams woman. And then what is clearly the men's toilet, which I can see the label on the door is kind of a skinny man with bootleg pants on, no hair. So that would suggest that is definitely the men's bathroom. So there's definitely no misunderstanding here

which bathroom you should be going to if you identify with either male or female. This is it we're inside the bathroom wow I can see three sorry four doors um which would appear to be entries to bathrooms however the fourth door has a lock on it a different type of lock so that doesn't appear to be entries to bathrooms however the fourth door has a lock on it a different type of lock so that doesn't appear to be a toilet entry the door to the bathroom from my memory was already open because it was busy there were always people queuing outside of it it's important to note that it doesn't have a hinge on it in any way so it it doesn't automatically close so if somebody was you know born in a barn and had no manners they might just leave that door open let me have a go at that door please helen okay yeah it's a very smooth

oh it's a very smooth door it just kind of flows open and closed it doesn't seem to kind of you know how some doors just drag themselves closed which you normally would put on a public toilet just to avoid people seeing in but in our case it's actually quite handy that they've not had that attention to detail. Oh, I've now just opened what I thought would be a locked door, and I'm seeing cleaning equipment, funnily enough, placed in the place where you would most likely need cleaning equipment, which is where people would shit on the floor. So that's a tiny room.

You wouldn't necessarily see anyone hiding in there. I'd love to get in there and see what that thing is in that plastic bag in the corner. Could that be relevant? Okay, I'm just going to get into this cleaning cupboard. I'm just lowering the vacuum cleaner and I'm just grabbing a plastic bag. Oh, it's tight.

Okay, this plastic bag looks like it's been here for numerous years. It's some sort of... Oh, it's a filter. Yeah. It's a filter for the hoover. Right, it's not important. OK, that was a waste of time. But, you know, sometimes detectors like me,

you've got to explore your gut. You've got to check it out, even if it might end up not being a lead, it might just be a vacuum cleaner filter. All right, shut that. Thank you, Helen. So we know that the crime didn't occur on the left side of the toilet. So that's the two toilet cubicles.

We know from Emma that the crime happened on the cubicle that faces the main entry to the bathroom. Listeners, you can actually review this floor plan for yourselves. We will be posting all of the evidence on our Instagram page who shat on the floor at my wedding. So we've got Emma, who is suspect number one, who we have interrogated, who has marked on the floor layout of the boat where she thinks the faecal matter was positioned. And she did confirm three dollops. She referred to them as nuggets. And they are very, very far from the toilet.

I mean, dollop number three, you could almost think, could be maybe associated with something that happens with someone sitting on the toilet. But dollops one and two i wonder if no chance well what i remember was i walked into the main door to the ladies bathroom and i saw henk hunched down he was on his knees and as helen said it's actually quite it's a smaller space than i remember so for him to fit in there hunch down on the floor and clean up the turds, my gut feeling from what I saw from my own eyes

is that the turd might have been outside of the door. What? Well, let me demonstrate right now. I'm going to get on my knees where I saw Henk. So he was facing me as I entered into the main door of the ladies' bathroom, and the shit was in front of Henk. So as I'm experiencing now hunched down where hank was there's just not enough space um for the shit to have been

inside the cubicle so it literally had to be outside in the main bathroom area this we really need to hear what hank has to say for himself so detective lauren killbyby is actually bending down right now, awkwardly trying to get in front of our forensic numbers one, two and three, exhibiting where the faecal matter was found. And she's about to do the smell test. If I could just pause you there for one second, I just think for our listeners out there, this Detective Lauren Kilby actually is a very unique detective in that she actually doesn't make use of the traditional dog sniffer team that many police units employ. She actually has the sensory capacity of something between a cocker spaniel and a German shepherd. And so she actually takes this on herself to avoid any bias from the case. So we'll watch her go into this now. It's also quite a nice method of cutting costs

when you're doing these kind of pro bono investigations. OK. I don't really smell anything. That's a good thing. Partly because the wedding was one and a half years ago and this floor has probably been cleaned, what, 85 times? A dozen times. A dozen, apparently.

Helen seems to know the cleaning schedule of the boat. I feel like you're creating a whole new branch of the detective work here, Lauren. There's a lot of people following with great interest. Yes I mean what I'm proving to the audience is that anyone can be a detective and everyone should be a detective. It's like Ratatouille, anyone can cook. Exactly, well it's a bit more extreme than that actually Karen. Look a bit like Ratatouille. The thing is like this, yeah, these sniffer dogs don't really give you much anyway.

So there's not a lot of point in hiring them when you can actually, you've got the kind of nasal capacity to do it yourself. Yeah, so I would conclude from my infamous smell test that there is nothing to conclude from the smell test. Coming up next on Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding. Have you ever shat on the floor of a boat? On the floor of a boat? No. Have you ever thought about shitting on the floor of a boat? No.

Have you ever dreamt about shitting on the floor of a boat? No. Word on the street is that suspects one and two have differing stories Yeah, I don't know where that came from though I don't know why we think there's... The street I didn't get that close Explain that to me

They've been colluding then