Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Coming Out (w/ Sasheer Zamata)

Episode Date: March 7, 2025

Comedian and best friend Sasheer Zamata (SNL, Agatha All Along) opens up to Nicole about her journey coming out, discusses whether it’s lesbian to collect chairs, and the bizarre YouTube dating show Pop The Balloon Or Find Love. She also shares how working on SNL impacted her dating life and discusses how to actually make new friends as an adult.Meanwhile, Nicole reflects on how she thought getting a boyfriend would change everything… and why it really hasn’t. Plus, the truly horrifying story of the time she had sex with a man wearing Vibram shoes. Yuck!WATCH this episode at youtu.be/XTkHzLhi4dw.Write to Nicole! Send your dirty messages to [e-mail] with the subject line "Dirty Message" and Nicole may read it in a future episode.Follow:YouTube: @WhyWontYouDateMePodcastTikTok: @whywontyoudatemepod Instagram: @nicolebyerX: @nicolebyerNicole's book, #VERYFAT #VERYBRAVE: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746To support this podcast, check out our sponsors & get discounts:SquareSpace: Head to squarespace.com/DATEME to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code DATEME.Quince: Upgrade your closet this year without the upgraded price tag. Go to quince.com/dateme for 365-day returns, plus free shipping on your order.Panera: Use code TRUELUNCH for 20% off your Panera You Pick Two order on DoorDash.Audience Survey: ​​Go to GUM.FM/DATEME to fill out our audience survey.View all of our sponsors and discounts codes at wwydm.notion.site/sponsors.This is a Headgum podcast. Follow Headgum on Twitter, Instagram, and Tiktok. Advertise on Why Won't You Date Me? via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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A podcaster, Meena Kullbhier, was trying to figure out why I was so single, even though you could come in a little bottle and tell me that it's nail polish. My guest today is a comedian, an actress, and my best friend! You know her from SNL and the Disney floor series Agatha all along. She co-hosts on our podcast, Best Friends. The way I read that was bad. She co-hosts on our podcast. She's my co-host on our podcast. Yes!

Yes! I was looking at the sentence, I was like, what's wrong with it? Turns out it was the way I was reading it. It's the Shears of Mata! Yay! Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

This is Arsenio Hall now. Listen, Arsenio was onto something. Yeah, have a chant, have a grunt. Yeah, a nice grunt. So you're not single. Okay, wow. Nice segue. This is true, not single.

Do you wanna know something about that? Yeah. I don't know why I was getting comfy to talk about it. Being partnered, it's a fun thing, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's pretty fun. We can also just talk. Yeah, it's pretty fun. We can also just talk. You don't have to ask me questions.

I don't know why I'm being so strange. It's as if I've never met you before. Yeah. So, you're partnered. And it's fun for you, right? Yeah. How do you date? Like, can you you, right? Yeah. How do you date?

Like, can you be more specific? No. How do I date? Yeah, so like when you go on a date, I feel like you're pretty good at being like, no, that's not what I want, or yes, that is what I want. As far as a person? Yes.

And I feel like that means you hold good boundaries with people. So how did that come about? Ah, I got there. You did. A question. I think time and experience. Yeah, from like, you know, all the frogs I kissed in New York and being like, well, I don't like that. I don't like these things.

And I think also just being older and being better at communicating and saying like, well, these are the things I like, or these are the things I don't like. And if you don't like that, then this might not be compatible. But yeah, I think trying to be as vulnerable and as transparent as possible. Yeah. I think that's pretty admirable.

I think a lot of people have a tough time with like boundaries and like sticking to their guns about what they want. I know I do. Yeah. Oh, sips, okay. I feel like dating I've like dating I've tolerated a lot. I've been like, okay, whatever.

Just please like me. And then I've learned that doesn't work either. Yeah. It's hard. Because you're also like, is this a deal breaker? Or is this something that I can learn to adapt to or we can learn to find a compromise about? And sometimes it is a thing that needs to be compromised and sometimes it's just not working.

Yeah! And it's funny because I, you know I love Instagram and Instagram will be like, ick, this is an ick, this is an ick, but it's like, sometimes it's like, well those things are just weird things that people do that you can deal with. Totally. this is an ick, this is an ick, but it's like, sometimes it's like, well those things are just weird things that people do that you can deal with. Like I feel like we should be talking about like real icks, where like if someone's a misogynist, or like if someone says something hurtful to you

all the time, it's like, those are actual icks. Yeah, and like, it's okay to not like your person sometimes. It's okay to be like, oh this is annoying, or this like, I don't know, this thing is not great. But that doesn't mean that that's the end of my like of this person. But I feel like a lot of people do that. People are doing that, yeah.

Which is so wild. Yeah. Wait, have you seen Pop the Balloon? Oh, I have. Yes, that's right, it sucks. I love it. The host, not good at hosting. And she, but I find her captivating.

And I don't know why. Wait, so it's like you see someone and if they say something you don't like, or if they look like a way you don't like, you pop the balloon at them and they go away? No, so there's like, I guess like 10 people. And then the host brings out the single person. And then literally anything you see about the person you don't like,

you could pop your balloon. And then the host will go, why did you pop your balloon? Or she'll be like, why didn't you pop the balloon? No rhyme or reason as to when she asks the questions. And then when there's one left, they get to go on a date. If there is one left. And if there's nobody left, I think they go on a date. If there is one left. And if there's nobody left, I think they go away and then a new person comes.

Yeah. I mean, that's kind of what, like, swiping on your phone is doing. You're just, like, looking and you're like, eh, I don't like what they said, or I don't like that picture, or whatever. We're all popping the balloon. We're all popping the balloon. Right in each other's face. I can't believe.

Yeah, swiping is... sad. Yeah, swiping is sad. Yeah, you're just like, no, next, no, no, no. But I guess eventually you find somebody. Yeah. I don't know. It's bleak. It's bleak and depressing.

Yeah. But I feel like I want to go back to a time, well, I have somebody, which is nice. But like, if I have to go back into dating I Don't want to let's not think about that. You don't have to at least not now If I ever have to I do what it like I don't want to do apps ever again Yeah, I would love to like I wish we met in person,

but I think those days are gone. There is no community. You've been like shouting this from the rooftops for weeks. I know. There's no community. There is no community. And I feel like that's why people are like,

when I retire, I would love to live in a commune with my friends, this, that, and the other. And it's like, well, yeah, like I grew up in a neighborhood where my mom had like two very good friends in the neighborhood and we hung out with their kids and stuff. So it was like, well yeah, like I grew up in a neighborhood where my mom had like two very good friends in the neighborhood and we hung out with their kids and stuff, so it was like we had a community. But like, if I had kids, I don't know where I'd take them

to hang out. Well you don't know that because you don't have kids. I think once you have kids, you start hanging around people who also have kids. I'll have communities if I have kids. I mean, like I do, we know parents who hang out with other parents and their kids. No, you're right. I guess you have to create your own community. Yeah. I think there's, there, I think other people are also feeling that and

things are popping up to encourage that. Like I saw some like random Instagram ad that was like, like, hate the people you're hanging out with all the time or something like that. It was like, thirsty for friends. Parched for friendship? Yeah. We can set you up on like, dinner dates with strangers and they like have like, you know, large communal tables where you don't know anybody and then you kind of like get to know people

and hopefully make a friend. Wow. You hate this idea. Here's the thing. I want community. Not like that. Not like that. Not with strangers. Wow. You hate this idea. Here's the thing. Okay. I want community. Not like that. Not like that. Not with strangers.

Yeah, but some people might. They might be like, you know, I tried workout classes. I tried clubs, didn't like it, maybe. And I actually haven't looked into it, but I would hope that they do some sort of like, curating where it's like, oh, you guys have the same interest. So you guys hit this table and hopefully mesh.

I feel like that would be too much work on the organizers. I'm sure they're getting paid. I'm sure there's a service fee. Oh, you're probably right. I wonder how much it costs. Maybe I will do it. Oh, maybe I want to talk to strangers. No, I don't. I don't think you do. I don't want to.

You also have a lot of friends. I do. I have a great community. Hahahaha. You also have a lot of friends. I do. I have a great community. Hahahaha! You do. I need to get better at my organization skills. There was like a solid time during the pandemic where I was like pretty good at organizing things, but I think it's cause I didn't have

a single other thing to do. I was like, nobody's working. I can organize this. Yeah. But now that I've been like working and stuff, I haven't really organized anything. You mean as far as like hangs or something? Yeah, like I was the leader of a skate gang. You were. Remember?

I do. You were the leader of a skate gang. For one summer, I was the leader of a skate gang. Yeah. And I want to get back to being in a gang. Okay. That's the community that you're craving? A gang?

I want to be in a gang. Okay, I see. Oh, Sashir, Sashir. Nicole, my god. Can we talk about you recently coming out or no? Sure. Yeah, we can. Okay, that's fun.

What's happening? Why is everything fun? Well, it is fun. It's happening? That's, why is everything fun? Well it is fun. It is fun, yes. It is fun to come out. It's fun to be like, this is the way I live. Isn't that cool? Don't you like it?

Some people do. Most people do, I think. I also think it's nice, you know, I like thought about it. I was like, why do people have to come out and talk about their sexuality? And I was like, why do people have to come out and talk about their sexuality? And I was like, oh, it's literally just so other people can be like, oh, that's how I've been feeling. Maybe I can have the courage to come out in my life as well.

So was it a hard choice? I don't think I've ever asked you that. I don't think you have either. Huh, look at that. I don't think you have either. Huh. Huh, look at that. I guess, kind of, because I do like keeping my personal life private, and I have been doing that.

And I guess I have been public about the men that I've dated, but I haven't said, at this point, I guess, around the time it was coming out, I hadn't said anything about dating women, even though I was dating women. So I guess I was like, I do want to, I don't want to feel like I'm hiding that part of me, even though I still don't want to be like super open

about my love life, I still just didn't want that piece of me to feel like secret, I guess. Even though it wasn't, because people in our life and my family, everyone knew I just didn't say anything outwardly. So yeah, I guess it was kind of like, okay, I hope this information is good enough.

Please leave me alone now. And yeah, people have been very respectful, thankfully, and said really nice things. Okay, I hope I hope this information is good enough. Please leave me alone now and And yeah people have been very respectful thankfully and said really nice things and I got a lot of comments that were just like She was in Are we talking about the same person? Who? Which I mean it is funny the first time I saw you in Tiva's and you were like he's hot I was like The first time I saw you in Tiva's and you were like, he's hot, I was like, huh. Hmm, oh, yes.

Sure. Yeah, honestly, I was the last to know. Everyone around me was like, gay, right? And I was like, how funny? Like, what a funny joke. And then like, everyone was like, I guess. She'll figure it out one day. Yeah, when we discovered you love sturdy shoes,

I was like, that's pretty gay. And I don't know why, but I was like, that's pretty gay. I also, I think I sent it to our friend group on Instagram. I sent one up on a Billie Eilish video where she was listing how many chairs she has in her house. It was like 37 or something. I was like, is that a lesbian thing?

Are we all just collecting chairs? Wait, is it? I have no idea. Because you love chairs. I love chairs. And I have for a long time and I was like, wait, is that what we do? But I don't, you know, people are all different.

Of course. But it was just very funny to be like, is that another thing I didn't notice? Is that another sign? There's no room in your house. It's just chairs and you're like, no, was this it? Was this the sign?

Teapots and chairs everywhere. Teapots and chairs. I also, it's, you know, sometimes people come out and then their families are like, I will not accept this. I simply don't get that. Because you're not a different person to me. You're the same person.

Nothing has changed about you. I don't think so. No. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I think I feel very fortunate that my family did not react like that. And also kind of was like, okay.

I mean, I think there were like, there's like some adjustments to be made because they were used to one way of my lifestyle and now they're like, okay, now we have to be used to this. But, you know, I wasn't, I didn't feel like I couldn't see my family or like, you know, they wouldn't talk to me or anything like that.

So I feel very fortunate that that's not the case. But I know some people still have to deal with that, which doesn't, does feel weird. It feels insane. Where we have, well, you know, you'd like to think that we've progressed so much that people don't think like that. But people do. It's 2024.

Yeah. Oh, no, no, 2025. It's 2025. Yes, we're in the future. It really blows my mind when like things that don't affect people, like why I get so upset about it. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

It's like who you love doesn't affect me. Yeah, it's like then don't date me, you know? Yeah. But doesn't affect you at all. It's so strange. Yeah. It's also funny because I don't think you necessarily came out to me. You were just like,

I think I want to start dating women. Oh, maybe that's coming out. Yeah. Wait, what do you think? Did you want like a moment where I sat you down and was like, Nicole? Kind of. Kind of.

Yeah. But also, I don't know how, I would be like, oh, okay. Yeah, I don't know how I would be like, okay I I wouldn't have assumed that you would have reacted in a way that was like Wow, thank you for sharing this like they'd be like, all right. Yeah, I guess Yeah, I think I just told you I'm gonna start dating women now and that was that. Mm-hmm. I don't think... Yeah, I don't think the coming out moment really needed to happen. But I kind of wish there was.

Nicole. Huh? I have something to tell you. Hold on. Hold on, let me get ready. Yes? Thank you for meeting me here. Uh-huh.

I have something I need to tell you. Oh my god, what? Are you sick? No, no, I'm not sick. It's not like that what? Are you sick? No, no, I'm not sick. It's not like that day or anything. Are you pregnant? No, I'm not pregnant. Because you did that to me once and that was really mean. I know that was very rude.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to prank you that way. It was one of the worst pranks. One of the worst. I think about it often. No, this is a real thing. Oh. I just haven't told you about it, but.

Okay. You wanna grow your hair out? Never. But I really like you to wear a headband. It's a dream! I don't know why it's a dream, for me to wear headbands? I can wear them, but they don't look good on me. I don't know, I just really want to see you

in a headband and a tiny hat. I'll look like a baby. I don't know, I think you'll look dapper. Dapper? Uh-huh. All right, so it's not about that. I wanted to talk to you about my sexuality. Oh my goodness.

I'm attracted to women. Uh-huh. And I'm gonna start dating them. Whoa! Yeah. That's really cool. Hey, thanks. I support you.

Thank you so much. No problem. All right. Yeah, I guess I don't know why I thought I needed that. Yeah. But I also like, you know sometimes people come out and people are like, I knew it all along. I also didn't want to be like that.

Yeah. Even though I knew it all along. Yeah. But also like even before I started dating women, I think I was open about my attraction to women too. I would say like, she's hot. Oh yeah, you would send hot ladies back and forth and be like, look at the muscles on that lady. Yeah.

Like there's this WWE lady who gets me good. Her name is, I think it's Jade or something. Yeah, I think so. Oh my God. Oh, she grinds my bones. No. Grinds your gears? No, that's bad.

She makes me horny. Grinds my bones? No. Grinds your gears? No, that's bad. She... makes me hoiny. Hahaha! Great. Makes me hoiny. Hahaha! Yeah. Yeah, that's...

that's... that sounds right. Lost my mind. It's funny, I was, I was going through with someone all of the different sexualities. There are so many. There's a lot. There is one sexuality where it's you're attracted to one gender and then a couple hours later, you're attracted to another one and that has a name.

A couple hours? Yeah, like you're just like a little bit later, you're like, I don't like that anymore. And I was like, isn't that just like flaky? Like how is that a sexuality? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know if everything needs a name. I don't think so.

There's a, I feel like I'm always quoting Instagram videos but I love Instagram. Yeah, because we're sick. I just love Instagram so much. But there was a video of this man, he was like pulling people on the street and he went up to an older black man and was like, "'Excuse me, sir, how many genders are there?' And the guy was like,

"'Hey man, I just got here.'" And that's how I feel sometimes. I just got here. I just got here, I don't fucking know. I don't know. That's how I feel sometimes. I just got here. I just got here. I don't fucking know. That's so funny. Yeah. I mean, I simply, it's a lot.

It's a little overwhelming. It's a little overwhelming. There's like, demisexual. My friend was like, how do you identify? Are you bi? And I was like, no. And he's like, then what are you? And I was like, how do you identify? Are you bi? And I was like, no. And he's like, then what are you? And I was like, just Nicole. I don't know, I think it's weird to,

I don't ever want to be like, I'm bisexual because I primarily date men. And I don't know why it feels disingenuous to be like, but I, and then pansexual, I just don't like the word. It sounds nasty. Yeah, that's how I was feeling when I was like trying to figure stuff out. I was like, bi doesn't sound right,

but like pan feels like the last level of a video game. I beat everybody to pansexual. You're pansexual! I'm like, again, I just got here. I don't think I can say that. Yeah,'m like, again, I just got here. I don't think I can say that. Yeah, but late in life, lesbian feels right. Which doesn't erase anything else I've done.

It's just like, at this moment in time, this is how I feel. And I've seen some people online say things where there's women who like being in relationships with women, but they also still want to have experiences with, mostly sexual experiences with men. And someone in the comments of that video was like, well, I'm just a lesbian who likes to get railed sometimes.

And someone else is like, oh, I'm gonna start saying that instead of like, homo-romantic, like, it was like some long label. They're like, instead of that, I'm just gonna say molest me. It likes to get railed sometimes. That's so funny. Yeah. Oh my God. You know, sometimes I'm like, what if I just say I'm gay?

Yeah. What if? I think that would just be easier. I mean, yeah, it's kind of nice. Yeah, I'm just gay. Yeah. And then they'll be like, so are you dating women?'s kind of nice. Yeah, I'm just gay. Yeah. And then they'll be like, so are you dating women? I'll be like, no, not at the moment. Sometimes gay people date the opposite sex.

Oh! You know, sometimes, that's my definition of gay. Yeah. I love studs. Do you remember the trend where it's like, what's your government name? Or no, what's your stud name? And it's like, R it's like, what's your government name? Or no, what's your stud name? And it's like, Rottweiler.

What's your real name? Stephanie. Yes, that's really funny. That makes me so happy. I want a stud. Studs are great. No, I don't. I have a boyfriend.

You have a man, yeah. You know, isn't that nice? It's so nice. Ah! Cool. Yeah. So, Mars, my producer, was like, asked to share about your je ne sais beef, what's it called?

Joie de vif. I feel like Nicole has had a new joie de vif since getting in a relationship. I want to know if you've also noticed that too and how sort of Nicole's vibe has changed, if it has changed. I don't know if you've also noticed that too and how sort of Nicole's vibe has changed, if it has changed. Mm. I don't know. Like, I guess kind of what you were saying where it's like, you're the same person.

You yourself, I don't think have changed. Maybe you're more like, chill about dating because you're- I'm no longer in crisis mode. Yeah, but even before this, I don't know if you were in crisis mode. Yeah. But even before this, I don't know if you were in crisis mode. I mean, I guess there were times where you were like, anybody, anybody, please, somebody send me a man.

And then eventually you're like, whatever, I'll just like be with my friends and work on myself. And yeah, and now that you're dating with somebody, I mean, I feel like you said it, you were like, I thought everything in my life was gonna change when I got a boyfriend and my life's pretty much the same. Yeah, so, Shira, it fucking sucks. Like, nobody cares.

I was on the set of something, and I was like, oh, yeah, my boyfriend? And like, nobody's eyes lit up. Nobody like, smiled. And then they were like, waiting for the end of the story. And I was like, I don't know if there is an end. I was like, I just want to see my boyfriend, because it was so new at the for the end of the store and I was like And then I like I like said something and nobody was like, but how did you get the boyfriend?

How did like how did how did that happen? Yeah, I feel like on this podcast. I'm like, and how did you get them? Yeah Yeah, nobody asked that in real life. They're just like, oh, okay Yeah, unless they like I guess I guess they're getting to know you. Maybe if you and your boyfriend were at the same place, they'd be like, how'd you guys meet? But you know, it's not like, oh my gosh, you have a boyfriend? Tell me everything, you know, like. That's how I am, and I was like,

well, my therapist was like, about a lot of things. She's like, not everybody acts like you or does things the way you want them to do it. And I'm like, okay. But I do want people to be like, a boyfriend? Yeah. Like I want people to be like, oh my God. Yeah, wait, tell me, tell me.

Tell me you have a boyfriend. Okay. Ahem, ahem, ahem, ahem. Hello, thank you for coming over. Oh, thank you for having me, Nicole. Do you need your water refilled? No, I'm good actually. Thank you for offering.

Yeah, no worries. I'm pretty hospitable. Yeah, you are. So I just invited you here to let you know something. Oh my goodness. Are you pregnant? No. Okay.

Are you sick? I think I'm infertile because I've been coming so many times and I've never gotten pregnant. And this is what you want to tell me? No, no, no, no. Oh, okay. No, what was your next question?

Wipe my hair. Oh! You brought me here. I did, I did bring you here. Yes. I have a boyfriend. Oh my God! You have a boyfriend?

Yes, me! Little O you? Little O me! How'd you get him? Oh my God, I went on an app. Wow! Whoa! Oh my god, I went on an app. Wow. That's, whoa. That is such, such a special story. I have not heard anyone ever say that before.

I'm so glad you told me. It is such a special story that happened to nobody else. That's like so unique. I know. Yeah. Nobody else has ever met on an app. I will say it was nice to delete the apps. That is nice.

Because now I don't look at them anymore. That is nice. I would imagine they get like addicting and also like kind of feel, make you feel bad. Yeah. Swiping all the time. Yes. Yes. It becomes like a second, third, fourth job.

Yeah. Right after we decided to be exclusive, I was drunk one night and I opened Hinge and I was like, let's see what this man said. And then I was like, wait, I don't have to be here! You don't have to. Whoa! Yeah!

And I was so happy. Yeah. I threw my head back and cackled in my bed. Ha! Ha ha ha! Don't need this my bed. Don't need this anymore. You need it. Wait, I think I should take a break. Okay.

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Quince.com slash date me. Calling all listeners, we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash date me. And we want to hear from you so we can keep making content you love. You know this. Oh, we know this. There are ads on my podcast. We want to improve that experience. But in order to do this, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. This survey is quick, it's easy, and a free way to support this podcast. It'll take you

two minutes and you'll be helping us out so much by doing it. Go to gum.fm slash date me to fill out our survey. That's gum, g-u-m dot fm slash date me. And we're back. We're back with Sasheer. Oh, yes, hi. Yes, yes, yes, just one name. How do you balance dating and working? Or being in a relationship and working?

I guess it depends on what I'm working on. Home economics shot in LA, so that was wonderful. And I was able to just be home and be with my partner. But then I've had a lot of shows shooting Georgia or Vancouver, and like depending on the other person's schedule, they might visit me. But yeah, I think it's kinda like, you try to find moments to like be together

as much as possible, but I, yeah, I don't know. I think you just figured it out. Because I have not been busy busy while being partnered. And I'm kinda nervous about that. Because I'm kind of nervous about that. Because I'm already kind of like spacey about my schedule and whatnot. And then I'm like, oh no, I'm worried about making time for friends and my partner

and then working and stuff. I'm just nervous. Yeah. I mean, I think maybe it's good that you are not busy busy right now in the beginning of your relationship because then you're like establishing all the like good relationship stuff already.

And then when you are busy, you already know you have all the stuff in the bag, I guess, like you already know like this. I've already done like the nice good work. The nice good work. The foundation's already laid and you just kind of have to trust like. And it's earthquake proofed.

Well, hopefully, yes. It's been retrofitted. Yes, you've retrofitted your relationship. And yeah, hopefully, they'll be cool knowing like, okay, well, she'll call me when she can, or I'll see her when I can. But you can also have conversations about this too, and be like, when I get busy or when I'm on set,

sometimes I have 14 to 16 hour days and I don't know if my phone's gonna be on me or whatever. Like, how would you like to communicate during those times? And then they might have an answer or they might be like, we'll see when we get there. Wild. Wild. That never occurred to me to be like, how would it be helped?

Like, how would you want to communicate? They might, because they, you know. Oh my God. They might have an answer. He might be like, oh, well, just like, like reach out when you can. Or like, if it's possible, like, let's try to talk before you go to work and then I'm good

for the rest of the day or whatever. Wild, Sissier. That is, I never think to be like, hey, let's talk about this. Yeah. I just kind of stew in it until it happens when I go, oh no! Cause I was in a relationship,

well, we never put any labels on it, but it lasted a long time, you know. A situationship? Could be one of those? I think that's a good thing to call it. Yeah. But I was like very busy in the beginning and basically throughout the whole relationship and that was like a constant point of like contention

where it's like, you forgot this, you think your time's more important than mine, this, that and the other. And maybe it would have been helpful for me to be like, how do you want to communicate? Yeah. Yeah. I think like it's kind of scary to bring things up to people cause you're like, I don't know.

Cause you don't know what their answer's gonna be. But I'm kind of getting to the point where I'm like, I like doing that cause then I'll get an immediate answer. I don't have to figure this out for the both of us. It's like, what do you think? Do you have an opinion on this? Do you have a suggestion? Like, we could work together to figure this out for the both of us. It's like, what do you think? Do you have an opinion on this? Do you have a suggestion? Like, you know, we could work together to figure this thing out.

Wild. Yeah. My last long-term relationship, we started dating when I was on SNL, and I remember being very upfront and being like, I won't see you. I just will not see you. You like me? Sorry. you won't see me. But he was very understanding about that. He's like, yeah, girl, go get it.

Like, I'll see you when I see you. I don't think you've ever told me that. That's really funny. You won't see me. Because I was like, you just won't see me. Because like that was like the most important thing to me at that time. And also like the relationship was important to me. But I was like, I'm so sorry you got here after the show and

This is my top priority. So like I just I'm on call. I'm like a doctor. I might need to be called Call me a 3 a.m. To write funny sketch That is so funny that is such a funny way to describe that job it really is yeah I'm on a call. They might need me. I don't know I've been like ripped out of my bed many times and they're like we need you now at the studio and I'm like gotta go So yeah, it's like that's just what it is and he was totally down for the ride so yeah, kind of letting them know these are the parameters and either they're down or they're not.

And it also might not be as bad as you think. I actually did see him a lot considering how much I was working, so it worked out. That's so funny. Also lovely that he was like, okay. Yeah, yeah, we'll just figure it out. What I'm learning is, and a theme that keeps getting brought up, is you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Mm. I love that. I love that saying.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Isn't that nice? That is nice. Because with you, I feel like sometimes I'll say something and then it'll be weird or whatever, and you'll be like, hey hey what are you trying to say? Whereas other people I think would just be like whatever I don't I don't care to decipher this person yeah but yeah I think it's really nice that you can't say the wrong thing to the right

person. Yeah I'm sure there's some people who would be like wow I can't handle the schedule that you have. This sucks. And that means they're not your person. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that's a hard thing to understand and like let go.

Cause you're like, oh, everything seems like it's fine except for these like, these things that this person can't get over it. And it's like, oh, do I have to end it because they can't get over it? And it's kind of like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, or just have some serious hard conversations.

Like, is this really like a thing that you cannot move on? And sometimes it's yes and sometimes like, oh, well, let's try to meet in the middle. Yeah, but it's hard. It is hard. And I've talked about this before, but Joker 2, the squeak-wool, I think at the base of that movie, it is Harley Quinn meeting that man in the middle.

And they're like, we're lunatics. And then he goes, I'm not a lunatic. Yeah. And she's like, what? Yeah. This is what we decided on being. Yeah. I set fires and you murder.

Yeah. And then he said, I've changed. Yes. I don't want to murder anymore. And then she said, I gotta you murder. Yeah. And then he said, I've changed. Yes. I don't want to murder anymore. And then she said, I gotta be out. Yeah. Yeah. I think we should all watch Joker 2, The Squeakwool. With a new lens. A new lens.

And apply it to our relationships. If that person is not gonna continue to meet you halfway, you gotta go. Yeah, because she, I guess, spoiler, but also it's been out for so long, and also it's okay if you don't watch it. That was just the first Joker she dated, because then she dated another Joker after that.

Did you not understand that at the end of the movie? So... What? Because we meet Harley Quinn while she's in grad school, which means she hasn't actually become Harley Quinn yet. Like she's still like, because like the Harley that is in the comics, when she becomes the actual villain, like is already a psychologist who was like talking to Joker.

So the person, I feel like, I guess I can say this. It's been out for months. I'm gonna spoil the movie. So the guy who kills the Joaquin Phoenix Joker in the Psych Ward, you see him cut his mouth open, kind of signifying that he's actually going to become Joker. Oh. Like in the future.

Yes. So the guy who we've been following who died is Arthur. Uh-huh. And this guy is like becoming the Joker. And so I guess it's kind of to imply that later in years that we won't see, he will be the Joker that we all know.

Harley's gonna like be his doctor. They're gonna fall in love. They're gonna like run the city together and become criminals. Did you guys see that? I had no idea. I didn't see it. No, I didn't see it. This is crazy.

I mean, it was only like a split second, but I think that's what they were trying to imply and why we met Harley so young. Wow. But also to your point, she was trying to find her ride or die. This Arthur guy was like, no. So she said, no, thank you. Went about her life, found the love of her life.

Found the other Joker she wanted. The actual maniac that would ruin the city with her. Joker 2, the squeak wall has even more layers than I thought. This is the best movie ever made. We actually love it. We love Joker 2 The Squeakwool. I genuinely did like it. It was a wild ride.

People hated it. I feel like there's like a meme where it's like, critics are like, oh, it was terrible. Movie goers are like, oh, I didn't really like it. And then it's me. Oh, movie, honk, honk, I love movie. That's me. You love the movies.

I love the movies. We need to bring back community and go to the movies. As a community, we all go. Everything is better on a bigger screen. It really is. My god. Like, I saw Madame Webb. We saw Madame Webb. Loved it.

It was very fun. It was so fun. The whole theater was getting in on, like, we were all just talking in the movie. Yes. Just being like, what? What? What's happening?

Why? It was so good. It was good. And then I watched it again on a smaller screen. That's good. talking in the movie. Yes! Just being like, what? What? What's happening? Why? Yeah. It was so good. It was good. And then I watched it again on a smaller screen. That's good.

With less people. Because I was in a home. Oh, without your community. Without my community. It wasn't as fun. Yeah, I get that. That's what we need. That's what we need.

Community. Yeah. That's what Nicole Kidman's talking about in the beginning of the movie. Oh, she's so right. Coming together... In a place like this. I like the, there was a split second of time where people were reciting it with her.

I loved that. And I really miss it. Community! I know! As a team, as a gang. We've fallen back on community. Everyone start saying it again. Memorize these lines. So, Shira, do you have any advice

for people who are still single out there? No. I mean, I don't, like not like off the top of my head. I also feel like I, cause I found my current partner on an app and they reached out by like acknowledging something I said in my profile and I was like, I like the moon. And she was like, hey, I like the moon too.

I was like, I'm in love. So I guess like maybe don't be afraid to like say something unique about you as opposed to thinking about what's the thing that's gonna attract somebody. Just be yourself, which I think everyone always says, and I understand that it's not helpful, but yeah, I think the most you you can be,

like you said, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. So some persons might be like, I like that. Like the specificity that makes you you, I like that. So I think put that out there into the world. I think you're absolutely right. I think, yeah, just like being authentically yourself. I think on our second date, I talked about a car I like to visit.

And he was like, I like that you like cars. Yeah. I think the owner of the car moved because it's not there anymore. Oh, no, I'm so sorry. It really makes me sad. The car I used to like to visit was a modified Volkswagen Golf pickup. That either was modified or I think they sold a version of that in Mexico. So it took a journey to get to here. Wow. And I really liked that.

What did it see? What roads did it take? This Golf has lived. And it was cherry red. It was so cute. But yeah, that's weird. I feel like I've said that to other people and they're like, cool. But he was like, I love that you like cars. I was like, yeah. And he lets me just drone on and on and on about cars. It's delightful. That's nice. Yeah. I like that. Me too. Because sometimes people just don't want to hear it. You're kind to me about it. When we went to, um, we went to Africa last year,

or South Africa, I have to... People get mad when you just name the continent. And we did go to Africa. We did go to Africa. That's like, I went to the States. It's like, yeah, like, you don't have to say where. We went to Africa! And... And I bought the new car and driver,

and I was studying it. Like someone was going to give me a test, and I was giving myself a test. I would be like, Sashir, did you know the lulululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululululul And that's nice. You just got to surround yourself with people who just want to hear you talk about dumb shit. Yeah, I like when people are like really interested in something specific that I don't know about. Me too. And you're interested in like moon. I am. Yeah.

The moon. I do like the moon. The way I said it was so dumb. Moon. You're interested in moon. I am interested in moon. The way I said it was so dumb. Moon! You're interested in moon. I am interested in moon. Oh my God. I think if I had advice to give people,

I think it would just be you. Yeah. As authentically you as possible. Because you can only pretend for so long. I think three months is the longest someone can pretend. Okay. Have you tried that? Of course.

Are you kidding? But like, you're so you, I can't imagine you pretending. Like I feel like sometimes you're like, I'm so subtle and like they had no idea what I'm feeling. And I'm like, your face was like this. Like you were like mean mugging the whole time. You're not like, you're not subtle.

Okay, so maybe I was not successfully pretending. But you're trying. But I try, I used to try real hard. And now, cause I used to like pretend to be like more interested in someone's hobbies than I actually was. Like I dated this boy a while ago who liked baseball. So I was like, I like baseball. I don't know anything about baseball.

I know that there's a ball and bases. That's about it. I don't get it. But now I'm like, tell me, you just, I don't know anything. Tell me, I'll just be like, I don't know. And I feel like that has been much better. Absolutely, yeah. You don't have to do homework on your own.

We'll just tell you. better. Absolutely. Yeah, you don't have to do homework on your own. We'll just tell you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ah, shit, I had a question I forget. I'd love to hear about Agatha all along. Oh. I'd love to hear about Agatha all along.

Oh! What? You're on a Disney Plus series called Agatha All Along. I am, yeah. How was it? It was great. It was fun. Um... It was really fun to watch.

It was, um... Yeah, it was... I guess I'm not a Marvel head. I'm not deep in the Marvel universe, even though I've seen a lot of it. But it just seemed like a departure of Marvel. It didn't seem very like... Or those punches that were like action. Like super hero-y.

Yeah, exactly. It was magical. It was magical. Yeah. Yeah, I really loved it. And it did feel magical. It felt like the coven felt like a real feel magical. It felt like the coven, felt like a real coven. It felt like the whole team involved was using the best of their abilities

to create this very creative thing. And yeah, I really loved doing it. And a lot of the stunts were practical, right? Like the water shit, you said that was practical. Yeah, they flooded a room that we were in. We had to slide down a water slide. There was like a fire happening right next to us. Yeah, a lot of things.

I flew up in the air. It was very cool. That was very cool. And so she posted on her Instagram, the like behind the scenes of it, and it's so magical and wonderful. It's so nice. Her name's Deborah Rupp. Is that her name? Deborah Jo Rupp.

Deborah Jo Rupp is so funny to me. She's really, really funny. Is she a delight on set? Yeah, she's so funny and like was always cracking jokes and just down for anything. Like there's a moment where we do go down a water slide. We climb through an oven to go down a water slide to get back to the road.

And she had to, they wanted her body to slide backwards or like head first. And they were really pushing for the stunt double to do that. And she was like, no, put me in there. I wanna do this. She was like really vehement. She was like, I want to do this. I want to do it. Like she was like really vehement. She's like, I want to do this.

I can play. And I loved that. Like I love like she really was down to do everything. And like I guess most of what I know of her work is like Kitty Foreman from That 70s Show. But she's such a great physical comedic actress. Like, yeah, she's just improvising just like things like in the mud and like using her purse and like using props. She was just so inventive with creating her character. And it was so great to watch.

I feel like she's had a pretty long career. And I feel like actors from that era do use their environment a lot more than current actors do. Totally. And like she did fun things with her feet that were funny. She just walked funny. Yeah. I was like, that's great.

I love that. It was very funny. What's the wildest thing that happened on set that you can talk about? The wildest thing. Every day was wild. I don't know. There was like half the season I was in mud the whole time.

So they were just like putting mud on me every day. I think me sinking in the mud was like. Oh, that was wild. That was pretty wild. I didn't like that. I was like, my friend. Yeah, they just like put me on a platform and then truly lowered me until I was like submerged in mud.

And then I was like fully covered and had to like slink to this tent where they hosed me off. Oh! I think sometimes it's so silly like that. It's very silly. I did a job, oh, what was it called? It was Paula Pell's show on Quibi, and I was flattened by a wine barrel,

so they built a bed under the stage, and had to crawl under it, like lay down. And then they like lifted me up into the holes that they had made for my face and my legs. Yeah. And I was like, I can't believe this is my job. This is so fucking funny. Yeah. You were barefoot a lot in on the Witches Road. Yeah. Was that okay for you? Actually, I do feel like my feet got more used to,

like, rough terrain. Because at first I was like, Ouch! Ah, sticks, leaves. Oh my God, that's evolution. I evolved. I left that show different. But I do like,

cause I was trying to get used to grounding more anyway, like putting your actual feet on the ground. And we were really forced to do that. And we really were walking in dirt all the time. And now I don't do it all the time. When I remember, I'm like, girl, get outside and put your feet in the crowd and I go go outside in my yard I'm just walking around like ah the earth it feels good

That's very funny I've only done that once I was My best friend from high school John was visiting from Australia, and I think Nick was there too But we got very drunk, and I was lamenting about a boy, and the shot guy was like, you need to go home and be one with the earth, just take your shoes off in your yard, and I was like, okay, and I was real shit-faced, took my shoes off in the yard, and we did like a weird thing where we...

We were doing, he didn't tell us to do this, but we were doing that, and then I felt us to do this, but we were doing that. And then I felt so good. Yeah, it does feel good. Yeah, it feels more connected. I don't know, I think there's like some health benefits to it too. Really?

Yeah, a lot of like, things are happening in our feet. Like reflexology and stuff like that, but also just like, I think having your feet, like, not feel removed from the earth is also good for our brains and our body. Yeah. I don't know if I could get accustomed to be like, did you have to walk on sticks and stuff? Yeah.

Yep. Sticks, dirt, leaves. And then did your feet bleed? No, no, my feet never bled. Mm-mm. I'm so nervous. What if I have to take your feet bleed? No, no, my feet never bleed. Mm-mm. I'm so nervous. What if I have to take my feet out? What if you have to?

What is this? Who's doing this? What if I get a job where I gotta take my feet out? Well, practice now. Start walking around in your yard. Oh my God, there's this lady. She's like a naked foot lady. Barefoot?

Naked foot? Is the rest of her body naked or just her feet? Here's this lady, she's like a naked foot lady. And she like- Barefoot? Naked foot? Is the rest of her body naked or just her feet? It's barefoot. Just her feet. Okay. You're right, it is called barefoot. She's a barefoot mom,

and she like goes into supermarkets and stuff barefoot. I don't like that. And like drives barefoot. Isn't that sick as hell? I guess driving is kind of okay, because it's your car, but yeah, I don't want to be in public spaces barefoot. That's like people on planes who are barefoot.

That's sick as hell. That's really gross. They don't clean those planes quick enough. They don't clean them basically at all. They spray them down with whatever. And then I hardly ever see anybody cleaning the bathrooms. Yeah. Cause also, and you have to account

for like other people's shoes. Like they're also stepping in probably shit and piss and like gross stuff and like putting that on the floor. And then you're walking barefoot and bringing it home. I mean, maybe they're washing their feet before they go in the house, I hope. I doubt it. I doubt people are hosing their toes off.

They need to hose those toes. Hose those toes. Hose them dogs. Yeah, I mostly... ground... in my yard. I'm not out in the world doing that. Good, I'm glad. Because that would make me really upset to find out that you're a nasty naked toe freak on a plane. No, I'll at least put him in some Tivas.

The toes might be out, but they'll always be housed. I tried to wear Tivas. I simply can't. Yeah. I don't think they're a sturdy shoe. Are you kidding me? They have such good arch support and they mold to your feet. They're the hiking shoe. People hiking Teevas? That's what they were originally made for.

In sandals? I don't, I think some people do. That's wild. Yeah. I think for people who are like, I don't wanna be in case of a shoe, here's like a way for my feet to be out still or like get aired out, but not,

but still have like a bottom to them and some traction. Do you remember Vibrams? I don't. It was a shoe with- Toes? Yes. I see. I do remember them.

I dated somebody who wore those. I don't think I knew this. Mars just gasped. Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I dated someone on and off for a very long time who wore those. Now were they wearing them to run or like all the time they wore them? They were wearing them all the time.

Like sometimes I'd see them in sneakers and sometimes they'd be wearing those. And once he left them on during sex. And you'd think that's a dealbreaker, you would think that's an ick. But I stayed around for a lot longer than I should have. And I'm really glad that you have created boundaries and developed discernment. Yes, because if I... If my boyfriend wore those, it would be a conversation. I'd be like, hey, why? I need to... Can you walk me through how he had sex with them on?

Like, did he tank his pants off over them? Yeah, he was wearing loose shorts. Like loose cargo shorts. And he like took them off. And I was like, oh yeah. And then those shoes never came off. And did he lay in the bed with you? Or was he just standing the whole time?

He stood for a little bit of it, but then we were doing doggy style. So I don't know if the dogs were hanging off the bed or not. Mm-hmm. Did you cuddle after? Or it was like, gotta run. Gotta go! Uh... I don't think we cuddled for that long, but I think they were like in bed.

Oh. Isn't that sick? That's pretty sick. He did a lot of weird sick things. Anyway, give me more. Give me more. Give me more. Give me more. Isn't that sick? That's pretty sick. He did a lot of weird sick things. Anyway, give me more. I really should have been like, give me more, give me more, give me more.

I was real Britney about it. Yeah. She walked into a gas station bathroom with no shoes on. Well, she was having a hard time. I think this was before the hard time. This was like early career Britney. And I was like, what? Well, she grew up, she's a hillbilly.

Yes, this is true. You know, hillbillies love, well, I shouldn't generalize hillbillism. Not all hillbillies. Yeah, don't come for me. Well, Sashir, we have come to the end. Okay. Is there anything you would like to promote? Um, nah, I'm not really doing anything right now.

Listen, here's what you could promote. Agatha all along at Disney Plus. It's still at Disney Plus, you can watch that. And my Santa special is on Hulu, it's called The First Woman. Yes, and you can also watch Home Economics on Hulu. Yes. Give you those residges. Woke is on Hulu.

A lot of my stuff is on Hulu. Hulu is the Sashire network. I'm on the, I'm in the ABC Signature family. You can see me on Hulu, ABC, Disney. That's a good place to be. It's a good place to be. Listen, would you date me? Yeah, I feel like I do.

Yeah, this has been my longest relationship. Same, Yeah. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you could like it, you could rate it, you could sub, subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. Okay, I will. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to whywon'tyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com,

I will read it. We're running low. Please send some. Nicole, I want to shrink myself down to the size of a gummy bear, slip myself into a tub of lube, and have you use me as a human dildo. Ooh, what? But why not be shrunken to a dildo as opposed to a gummy bear? Yeah, unless the gummy bear is dildo-sized.

Well, the size of a gummy bear and then a tub of lube and use me as a human dildo. I'll slide in and out of you, screaming your praises the whole way. And when you come, I'll hitch a ride on your juices straight to flavor town, your butthole. Once it's over, I'll hitch a ride on your juices straight to flavor town, your butthole. Once it's over, I'll build a little gummy hut inside of you and just live there like a horny hermit. This reminds me of, I think kangaroos are like this.

Because they're so small. Pretty sure it's a kangaroo or a wallaby. I don't know the difference. But when the babies are born, they're super, super tiny, and then they crawl into the pouch, and that's where they grow more and more and more. So I think... I think, um... This person wants to kangaroo me?

They're gonna kangaroo you. Yeah. They're gonna make a house in your butt and grow bigger? And I'm okay with the butt house. Okay. Okay. I think my problem is the size of a gummy bear. Yeah. And then I'm using that as a dildo. It just wouldn't be pleasurable.

It's not gonna really do anything. No. And also, I'm like, I have nails, so I'm like, how would I grip it? Maybe attach it to a stick. Mm. Or maybe just attach it to your clit, and he can wiggle around, vibrate.

Oh, vibrate. Oh my God. That would be so wild. To just like undress and then there would just be like a little bear on my clit at all times. I feel like last time I was here, someone also wanted to shriek down and go inside of you. People were always trying to get inside of me. Why are they shrinking?

Why are they shrinking? Why are they shrinking? I don't know. This was fun. I liked it. That's fun, yeah. Okay. The gummy bear also reminds me of this woman on Instagram who makes gummy bears. So you send her cum,

and she puts that cum in a mold of like a gummy bear, and she makes gummy bears. For whose consumption? Nobody's consumption. It's like gummy bear jewelry. I promise I'm gonna eat it. I don't want evidence of those. I don't think anyone eats it.

And then sometimes people send her too much cum and then she'll make extra gummy bears. Like she was making underwear, but there was pearls that go in the privates or whatever. So she like move the privates, like, go up your pussy. And she replaced those pearls with gummy pearls and then they sent her too much cum, so then she was like, and then I just threw in a cummi bear.

Wow. You know, there's business ideas for everybody out there. I mean, you know, that person found their thing. Yeah. And there's someone who loves her for that. Yes, somebody loves cummi bears. I'll find you the real and send it to you. Please do.

Okay, goodbye. He he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he he. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me With Me, Nicole Byer. This show is produced and edited by Mars with executive producer Anya Kenovskaya. It's engineered by Casey Donahue with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. Our VP of content at Headgum is Katie Moose and our theme music is arranged by Mike Komete. Ah, thanks for listening.

We'll be back next week with a brand new episode. See you then. Okay, bye bye. That was a hate gum podcast.