You are the Universe! - E42: Heal the Mother Wound - Reclaim your Voice and Activate your Phoenix Child

Episode Date: August 21, 2026

What if healing the mother wound isn’t about changing your mother, getting an apology, or pretending the past didn’t hurt?What if it begins with becoming the safe, loving adult your inner child has been waiting for?In this episode of You Are the Universe, Victoria Haffer explores how the mother wound can shape your relationships, career, money story, self-worth, boundaries and ability to receive, especially when you had to grow up too soon.But this isn’t about staying stuck in the wound. It’s about the solution: reparenting your inner child and becoming your own safe place.We’ll explore conscious movement, play, breathwork, emotional release, boundaries, self-love and learning to listen to the younger parts of yourself.You don’t have to erase the past or excuse what happened.You can acknowledge it, release what you’re ready to release, and begin giving yourself what you needed all along.You get to stop surviving.You get to play.You get to receive.You get to love without abandoning yourself.And you get to become the woman your inner child has been waiting for.You are not here to repeat the story. You are here to rewrite it.Want support? www.VictoriaHaffer.com#HealingTheMotherWound #InnerChildHealing #Reparenting #SelfLove #EmotionalHealing #YouAreTheUniverse

Welcome to the You or the Universe podcast. I'm your host, Victoria Hafer, sacred disruptor, dragon priestess, and holistic alchemists for humans, horses, and dogs. With over two decades of supporting people to activate their sovereign divinity, and I am so flipping glad you're here today. Today's topic is Healing the Mother Wound. Oh, yeah, this is a big one for me. This was a challenging one. for me. Yeah, I won't get into the details, but it's a good one. Many of my beloved clients suffer from this, or I should say have suffered from this wound. A lot of the deep work that we do

is typically on the mother wound and the father wound as well. So, thank you for being here. like to open the conversation with this. You can love your mother and still have a mother wound. You can understand or not understand her story, her trauma, what she might have gone through, that she did the best that she could with the tools she had, and still be angry with her, and acknowledge that something happened inside of you because you did not receive what you needed as a little girl. So this episode is not about blaming your mother or making her the villain. And it is certainly not about forcing yourself into some artificial version of forgiveness because somebody told you that you needed to forgive in order to heal. healing doesn't require you to pretend something didn't hurt or didn't happen.

Healing asks us to stop carrying what happened in the past, and that is a very different scenario. Sometimes we think we're over it. I hear it all the time, but I've done so much work around this. Maybe even a decade of therapy, all the stuff, read all the books, did all the things, and we're adults now, right? So we have careers, we have relationships, we pay the bills, we take, maybe you take care of everybody else, everybody's a little different with the mother wound. And we look perfectly functional on the outside, right?

Like, you've got your shit together, whatever that means. But often there is still that little girl inside of us standing at the window, waiting, for someone to come home, waiting for someone to notice, waiting to feel safe, waiting to be chosen, waiting to be mothered. And sometimes that little girl is still running our adult life from behind the curtain, you know, like Oz. So let's chat about it. The mother wound can show up in many different forms.

and can look like many different things with a relationship with our mother. Maybe your mom was emotionally unavailable. Maybe she was overwhelmed. She struggled with addiction, drinking, using drugs, working constantly. Maybe she was a single mom and just didn't have the support that she needed. Maybe she had her own trauma. Maybe she had her own relationship with her mother that didn't give her what she needed. And the bottom line is she just didn't have the emotional capacity to give you what you needed.

So maybe you became the responsible one. Hmm. The nice one, the good one, the peacemaker. You didn't want to make waves. You didn't want to cause problems. You learned that you should be, you know, seen and not heard or even worse, not seen or heard. maybe you became the little adult in the house. And if you were the oldest child, this is a whole, that's a whole other situation.

That was me, actually. You may have grown up before you were developmentally ready to grow up. You may be helped raise your siblings. Again, me. You may have monitored the emotional temperature of the house. You knew when mom was upset. You knew when someone had been drinking or drugging. you knew when not to ask for something.

You knew when to quietly disappear. You learned how to be useful. You learned how to be responsible. Maybe you learned how to take care of everyone else. But you know what? Most important thing is nobody taught you how to simply be a child. Most likely because you didn't feel safe enough to do so. Because childhood isn't supposed to be an unpaid internship.

in emotional crisis management. A child is supposed to play. A child is supposed to explore. A child is supposed to make noise, ask questions, get dirty, laugh loudly, change her mind when she wants to be silly and discover who she is on her own terms. When a child has to become an adult too early,

she can become extraordinarily capable. Anyone relate to this? and sometimes extraordinarily exhausted. Once again, anyone relate to this? You may become the woman who can handle everything while secretly, desperately wanting someone else to care for you, to ask you if you're okay. It may show up in you have difficulty in receiving,

difficulty asking for help. Ding, ding, ding, ding. You may equate love with usefulness. you may unconsciously believe if I am needed, I will be loved. If I make everyone happy or make them laugh, I was actually voted class clown in high school, senior year, then I will be safe. If I don't have needs, I won't be a burden on anyone.

If I can just do everything perfectly, nobody will leave. and suddenly we're not talking about childhood anymore, are we? We're talking about all of our relationships. And it may show up in all of these areas or some of them. Your relationship with your business. Your relationship with money. Your relationship with relationships.

Whether it be romantic or friendships. Your ability to receive or your lack of ability to receive. and most importantly, your relationship with yourself. Because what happens in childhood, unfortunately, doesn't stay in childhood. It can become a template. And the good news is a template can be rewritten. Another way the mother wound shows up in our attraction to emotionally unavailable people, friends, or lovers, right, because of that frequency.

You're not consciously attracting those kind of people, but subconsciously you are below the surface, and it can simply feel familiar. If you spent your childhood begging for someone's attention, your nervous system may recognize that dynamic as love or adoration. It may show up as you overgiving, over explaining, over functioning, over pleasing. Where are my people pleasers out there?

And that's the fawning part of the fight, flight, freeze or fawn, right? It's how we respond to stress, fawning for someone's attention. Your dog may do that as well. Maybe you're anticipating everyone's needs. Or you may go in the opposite direction and become fiercely independent. Sort of sounds like my story. I don't need anybody. I can do it myself.

Right? The pain and the suffering of the not wanting the rejection, not wanting to have to depend on anyone because they're just going to leave anyways. And that can be another form of self-protection. If depending on someone wasn't safe when you were young, you may have created a belief system that needing people was the problem.

But healing isn't. about becoming dependent and it isn't about becoming completely self-sufficient either it's about learning interdependence being able to love someone without abandoning yourself right i that was oh that was the thing for me when i would get into romantic relationships it was like as soon as i my little my little girl fell in love it was sort of like i just lost all my sovereignty also So being able to receive with ease. Some of my clients often think that they're receiving channels are broken because it's really hard to receive.

Receive love, receive help, receive a compliment. Receive support. Being able to ask for what you need without feeling needy, right, because your little girl didn't get what she needed. And it created that shame. the shame cycle. Being able to recognize that healthy love doesn't require you to audition for your place in someone's life. Right.

No need to chase or force or prove that you're, you know, good for them. And this is where reparenting becomes so powerful. Because the question isn't only, why do I keep choosing, right? the wrong person. Why do I keep responding this way, the reactivity that shows up, or even the addiction? The deeper question is, what does the younger part of me not have? And what does she need for me now? Reparenting means becoming the adult who notices your inner little on the regular. Becoming the adult who listens, the adult who protects you, your inner child, the adult who

says, you don't have to earn my love. You are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to say no and you are allowed to say yes. You are allowed to make mistakes and giggle about it. you are allowed to take up space and you are allowed to ask for help you don't have to take care of everyone you don't have to be the strong one every minute of every day the mother wound can create some incredibly high functioning over achieving successful women workaholics the perfectionist

anyone relate yeah been there done that myself We become the woman who can handle everything. And then maybe when you're all alone, the tears flow. And you just kind of get to the point where you think, is this just the way life is going to be. You are the woman that gets shit done, right? I know that. That was like I didn't, years ago.

Yeah, it was the thing. I just made shit happen. I was a woman who made shit happen. Get it done. The woman everybody calls when there's a problem. I always had a solution for everybody else but myself. But underneath all that achievement can be the ancient question. Am I good enough yet?

And you begin to think that you're going to spend your entire life chasing an emotional gold star. You are supposed to receive simply for being you. as a young child. The mother wound isn't asking for another achievement. It is asking to be seen, acknowledged, except in loved. And that is something achievement can never give you. So reparenting in your career might mean asking. Am I doing this because I generally desire it, enjoy it?

It brings meaning and purpose to me. Or am I doing this because I'm trying to prove something to someone else. Am I building a life I love or a life that makes me feel worthy? Can I succeed without abandoning myself or selling my soul? Can I allow my work to come from a deep place of joy and creativity instead of constantly coming from force or pressure? These questions can completely change the way you experience your entire.

reality. I have another question for you. So how's your relationship with money? Money can be such a beautiful mirror. Our money story often carries family stories about survival, scarcity, worthiness, and safety. Maybe you watched your mother struggle financially. Maybe money was unpredictable. It came, it went. Sometimes you had it. Sometimes you didn't. Maybe addiction meant money disappeared. Maybe you became hyper responsible because you never, wanted to experience that instability again. Maybe you learn that money equals safety or money equals conflict or lack of money equals conflict or too much money equals conflict or you learn you have to work your ass off for every dollar you made. Again, these are all belief systems.

And did you know that by the age of seven, the majority of our belief systems have been made by the age of seven. So your relationship with money, your beliefs about money happen at a very young age. And then some part of your nervous system maybe doesn't recognize money as being safe. And then the other thing to consider is sometimes we don't have a money problem. We have a safety problem around money. I'll say it again. Sometimes we don't have a money problem.

we have a safety problem around money. And once again, this is where reparenting can enter your money story. You can begin teaching yourself. It is safe for me to receive. I don't have to struggle to deserve. I can be responsible without being hypervigilant. It's okay to have more than I need. I can make money without sacrificing myself.

And I can receive without any guilt because you deserve it. So your relationship with money may not only be about numbers. It may also be about what your body learned about security, receiving, power, responsibility, and your own self-worth. So how long have you been in the trauma loop of trying to figure it all out? Waiting for your response? Yeah. how's that working for you? Maybe it's time to do something different.

So we have this incredible tendency to analyze our childhood until we can practically earn a PhD in our own trauma. We know what happened. We know what our parents did, specifically mom in this situation. We know why we think we are the way we are. We know what we wished had happened. And by the way, that is called suffering, right? The Buddhists say that the majority of our emotional suffering comes from wishing things

were different than what they are. However, knowing the story and changing the pattern are two different things. I often say that, you know, that awareness is the first step. But just because you're aware of something doesn't mean it changes anything. Your mind wants to fix the problem. right through the same reality and lens that of the problem sort of like the definition of insanity do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result we all know about it however the truth is your body needs to get involved it has to this is where we what we call the somatic

process of being in the body and helping to move that energy experience or trauma out of the body. Stress and emotional experiences can influence the nervous system, muscle tension, right? Oh, we hold our body, how we hold our breath, our breathing patterns, obviously our posture. If you're not feeling good enough or confident or you have low self-esteem, you're going to maybe hunch over and compress and really close off that heart chakra. how we sleep. If you're tense in your body on the day to day, if you're in that constant state of fight or flight,

anxiety and depression, manic and, you know, all those things. Yeah, it's going to affect all the bodily processes, my friend. It affects how you digest food, your hormones, all the things. You go on and on and on. So you've probably heard the phrase issues in our tissues, especially if you're, you're one of my clients or you come to my yoga classes. And you may have heard of the author, chiropractor, Dr. Bradley Nelson, he's the creator of the Emotion Code and Body Code Systems. Emotion Code is one of the many healing modalities I frequently use on myself and with the emotion. my clients, both two-legged and four-legged. And it describes that emotional experiences can be

energetically trapped in the body. And it uses muscle testing, or also known as applied kinesiology, to identify and release the trapped emotions in our vessel, in our body, in our field, as well. So the truth is, somatic movement practices are needed to move what we've been carrying things like dance and again it's it's about intentional conscious being present with the movement in your body with your breath dance chigong yoga lymphatic shaking conscious breathing speaking of breathing big breath in and big breath out. So I'd like to chat a little bit about one of the most important pieces of healing,

really healing in general, but specifically having to do with a mother wound. And that is play. Cosmic play, joy, and laughter. Now, especially if you grew up too fast and your childhood was dominated by responsibility, chaos, addiction. emotional instability, or you were the primary caretaker. Play may feel strangely uncomfortable or just you don't even know how to do it. You don't even know what you enjoy. And that's okay.

It's okay. There are no expectations here. Just be in the question without attachment. So you might find yourself asking like, okay, what, what, I don't know, what makes, what brings me joy, you know, just start simple, start small. Think about maybe, you know, did you have times when you were a younger version of you? And again, this could be little girl, inner, it could be tween, teen, even in your, in your early 20s. You know, was it art? was it singing? Was it dancing?

Did you like to play in the garden? Play in the dirt. Get your hands dirty. Maybe it was singing. Maybe it was spending time in nature. Maybe it was just laying on a blanket and looking up at the clouds. Maybe you like to build stuff. Maybe getting a Legos kit, right? These are all things that like little kids or younger children would do, but maybe Maybe it's exactly what your inner child needs. Make up a magical world. Your imagination is, oh my goodness, the most powerful aspect of yourself in all aspects of your life. And remember, you don't need to monetize this. You don't need to make it productive.

You don't need to turn it into another seven-step healing protocol. all. Sometimes healing looks like doing something completely silly, unnecessary, just because it feels good or it's fun. And that is especially important for the woman who had to become responsible too soon. I know that all too well. Guess what? Maybe your inner child doesn't need to be healed. she just needs to be integrated into your everyday experience. She needs to be invited into your daily life. Maybe she needs to be invited into the boardroom. Remember, your little one brings the magic, the innocence, the creativity, and the playfulness to the partay.

And this also helps explain why we can. sometimes feel much younger than our chronological age or when we act out of character like through the day and you get like you respond in a certain way and you know when people might say you know you're acting like a child right like that's this happens and you might experience that with other people your partner your friends your you know parents your mom when you get triggered when they get triggered see how they show up you know you could be 45 and suddenly feel eight when somebody somebody raises their very voice at you to you, right? Ooh. You can be 52 and feel 12 when someone doesn't respond to your text message. Suddenly you feel like you've been rejected. You can be 38 and feel six when someone

absolutely rejects you or doesn't pick you. Your adult mind knows this isn't the same situation, but your nervous system recognizes the emotional pattern. So instead of asking, what's wrong with me maybe try what younger part of myself needs my attention right now you're the ones calling out to you that question creates space between you and the reaction and then you can become the adult in the room once more not your little girl let your girl know little girl knows she doesn't need to take care of this. She can go off and play, go to her, you know, the fabulous little magical place where the unicorns and the dragons and the butterflies and all the animals roam. You, the adult, can respond to the situation. You could say,

I know this feels uncomfortable, but we are safe now. Even though part of me, still feels like I had to grow up too soon. I am willing to meet this part of myself with unconditional love and compassion. Even though I didn't get the mothering I needed or wanted, I now acknowledge the little girl who needed more. Even though I still carry some of this in my body, I am open to creating safety now. And notice that we're not forcing ourselves to say, everything is fine, everything is wonderful, everything is beautiful, you know, that was then, this is now. Mm-mm. If it doesn't feel true, don't say it.

Start where you are. And maybe this is the conversation you've been waiting your whole life to have. There are many different healing modalities you can explore. You don't have to choose one magical modalities. modality you can just intuitively tap into something and say okay this feels light for me this doesn't try it see how it feels for you ask your little girl what does she want to do so the invitation is to discover what actually helps you feel more present more regulated more in your body more connected to you and more

capable of living your life with ease and joy. On a final note, this is a big, this is a big topic and it's forgiveness. So I'm just going to touch on it. But ultimately, forgiveness is about no longer allowing the wound to control your present moment, no longer allowing your past to control how you respond in the day to day. You can choose to understand your mother's story without making it your responsibility. You can choose to have compassion for her humanity without abandoning your own.

You can choose to love or like her or not and still set healthy boundaries. You can grieve the mother that your little one needed. You can acknowledge what happened, and you can choose that the energy of that experience is no longer going to run your adult life. The truth is, I don't want you dragging your mother into your future in a suitcase labeled resentment.

Yeah, we all know resentment. the frequency of resentment, it's low. It can turn into liquid poison in your body. And I also don't want you dragging yourself into the future with a suitcase labeled, I must pretend it didn't hurt. So guess what? There's another option. You can choose to put the suitcase down.

You can say, this happened. It mattered. It affected me. I deserved more, and I don't have to carry it forever. That is what I mean by clearing the energy. Not magically deleting history, not erasing memories, not bypassing grief, and not pretending everything is fine when it's not. What it does mean is changing your relationship with what happened.

And perhaps the deepest form of healing the mother wound is not because, the daughter who finally gets her mother to understand, it is becoming the woman who no longer needs her mother to validate her experience and existence in order to believe in herself. You become the witness. You become the protector. You become the safe place. You become the mother to the parts of yourself that still need mothering. And every time you choose yourself without abandoning love, you are rewriting the pattern and the story of the original wound. My dear sister, I see you. And the great news is you don't have to do this alone anymore.

And maybe that's where the real healing begins. Need support? I got you. Reach out. You can find me at victoriahafer.com. and remember you are the universe you create your reality through your thoughts your words your actions and your belief systems peace out sauerkraut