I find myself just having one in my mouth the whole time. I don't even know that I am getting my nicotine fix.

Inside this ball care bunny basket, you'll find their lawn mower 4.0 trimmer, weed wacker 2.0, ear and nose hair trimmer, which I love, gets rid of all these Texas allergens that get stuck up in my nose

My name is Noah. I'm five foot six, so my girlfriend calls me buddy. I'm five foot six. I'm five foot six, so my girlfriend calls me buddy.

I find myself just having one in my mouth the whole time. I don't even know that I am getting my nicotine fix.

In terms of my... Like, I used to be a gay-for-pay sex worker. Wow! Finally! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Okay, that's my time. My God, that is a true William Montgomery joke.

My bad, my bad, my bad. Try my best. So what exactly... Make me nervous. What is it exactly that you do? It's at the North Pole. Yeah. I'm just trying to figure it out here.

I've been asked my whole life if it was my stage name and that's my real name, but now it's also my stage name. Wow, what other stages were you on? No, I'm serious. Is it just common?

My homeless man in Boca Raton. You're the crap. 90s shit. Yeah, I used to have a home. It's awesome that I got all my DVDs and my things and my special posters.

No, I was, oh my God, what the fuck is happening? Since my cat's birthday. You know what I like about you? You look like a baby doll from the 20s. Damn, really? Oh my God.

Even the police have caught on to my new found identity. Of course, I have to whip my ass for about five minutes. To be able to pull out my ID like, sir.

My God. Thanks, Tony.

I actually did take my test. Supposing my real love languages are quality time and acts of service. I mean, this chick we actually broke up because she used to beat my ass.

Yeah, my parents... My pop, on the mother's side, he was a sailor. Oh. He sailed on ships way back. And then my dad came as a legal immigrant, but he overstayed his visa.

My ex liked to choke me. Wow, that's fucked up, man. It's like a hate crime or something. That really is. I have to give you my critique before I lose my thought.

No, but my mom, she did love to drink and drive. And me and my sisters were always like, oh my god, like, someone has to stop her.

He's like my bodyguard. I was just about to ask, what's the height of your brother? Yeah. I have you as my lock screen on my phone.

Oh my God, is it David Lucas? Huh?

You know, the only thing that's been on me, I found to my dismay when I went to the doctor, is my vaginal walls. Oh, my goodness. So I'm out of the game, you know? Out of the game. What did they say?

I keep a little flower in my back pocket to find a wet spot every now and again. Oh, my goodness. Nothing but swagger, ladies and gentlemen, at 1,000 miles an hour. Oh, my goodness. Look at that.

Oh, my goodness. And I got expelled from having sex with my teacher. I love you, Mom. No, relax. Oh, my goodness. You are out of control. Relax. You are out of control.

Oh my God. Oh my God. I can't imagine what you fucking is like. Going at it anytime. I'm about to come. I'm going to shoot my load on your tits. My sex life is not as bad as you might think.

You want to drink my Kool-Aid? You want to drink my Kool-Aid? Hell, yeah! Hell, yeah! Oh, my God. You said Kool-Aid, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's Kool-Aid. Yeah, that's what I got.

Like when I make my when I make my cracker jokes there's a part where I say it's like a little poetic rhyme.

I was just worried I'd spilled my emotions. You know, I just go up to my buddy and I'm like, hey, hey, I didn't forgive my dad last night, did I?

Look, I don't always take responsibility for things in my life, but I blame my weight on my mom because when I was a kid, she let me eat whatever I wanted.

My wife has seen me naked a lot. Like my wife has seen my dick more times than I have. Thank you. Boom. Another new minute from Todd Royce everybody. Very fucking cool.

And I have the most mind-shattering orgasm of my life. The time that really makes you go, maybe I'm gay. Thank you so much. I'm John Henry. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

You're my mom. My dad was never in the picture. I think I reminded him too much of my mom. I got her eyes and her tits. Thank you so much. My name is Drew. Thank you. Thank you. Drew Blues.

And my penis went back into my pants, and I peed all over the front of my pants and just proceeded with my fucking night like nothing had happened. Fucking Laramie, Wyoming.

My boy.

My hair is not sewn into my hat. I promise, dude. This isn't a wig sewn into a hat, all right? I got my hair cut from a Mexican in Flugerville, and now I look like a Mongolian warlord.

My name is Michael Ridley, and I'm a comedian. It only makes sense because my parents are comedians. My dad is Theo Vaughn, and my mom is Bobby Lee.

You know my whole family's going to move in? Where are we going to put abuelita, my tios, my primos and primas? Tiny home. White people shit. My mom's really into Ace of Base.

Like if I meet a white man at the Ritz Carlton is that my Ritz cracker? If my white drug dealer sells me weed is that my graham cracker?

Yeah, my thing, my hole, my thing hole is real small. So it took him a while to find it. Oh my goodness. Stick it out. The big red machine. Sounds like you went to the irony mall this week.

My knees, my legs, my fucking, my head earlier got waxed by the cooler door, but what are you going to do? You got to stock the beer. So. A lot of hazards on this job. Yeah. Okay.

I'm talking to my bitch! I'm talking to your ass! Hell yeah! Hey! You can't take it! Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! Don't wait, don't be bad! You can't take it alive! Don't wait, don't be bad!

I can't record at home, I have to go to the studio to record, but my cat thinks I'm fucking dying. She's scratching my door and shit. Oh shit, wow! Oh my god, incredible.

And then she's like, let me go find my butt plug. Oh, shit. This bitch had a butt plug in her purse. Wow. Oh my God. Joe, Joe, isn't this called airtight when this happens? Oh my God.

To my friends, just because I saw no point to living doesn't mean you should, too. Thank you. My tragedy... My tragedy gives you a one-year pass for sympathy, sex. Good luck. Katie Felton.

I was playing my Bloons Tower Defense 6 game on my phone. I read The Catcher and the Rye three times. Oh my goodness. Yep. Olden Caulfield. It's a perfect Christmas book.

I use it daily to protect my privacy.

She taps my leg. She taps my crotch. She puts her finger on my lips and she goes, shh. And that's it. That's my time. Thank you. Okay. All right. Nathan Summers. I love it.

Oh my goodness. My parents were hippies, we didn't have TV. Okay, how about since you been an adult? I've not seen home alone too. Oh my goodness. My mom's favorite movie though, so I'm not.