10 Minutes of Schaub - Bapa is a FAST READER! | 10 Minutes of Schaub #22

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

Twenty-second episode of 10 Minutes of Schaub

T for K to Major Shub Papa T for K to Major Shub Take your alpha brain and put your dumb hat on T for K to Major Shub Check the friar's fires on T5K to Major Sharp. Check the fryer's fires on. Check the chicken and may Chang's love be with you.

This is T5K to Major Sharp. Your stand-up is so shit. And the papers want to know what are we doing here. Now it's time to read the comments. If you dare. This is Major Shob to T-Fat K. I'm slipping on my words. And I'm speaking in the most peculiar way. And almost all of my jokes are about being gay.

One take. Stop at my favorite time of the week. When you get to hear Papa try to speak. one take alright welcome back to 10 minutes of Shab that took us just one take yes obviously it was one take took us a very long time to do it so if you didn't like it that would be pretty sad.

We'll stop doing the songs. Gerardo learned how to play the piano for that. Yeah, but I'm dressed up like a leprechaun because I had a work office party for Halloween. At some point, we will do BGL, but for the 10 minutes of shop, it's got to get to 20,000 views. Yeah. Dress up like BGL. But anyways, that's not why you're here. You're here for 10 minutes of shop, it's got to get to 20,000 views. Yeah. Dress up like BGL. But anyways, that's not why you're here. You're here for 10 minutes of shop.

Boom. So this first one. Start the timer. Everyone knows. Yeah. I think they caught on to the, you're acting like, they act like you don't start the timer. Yeah. Somebody said the fake timer thing is like their favorite part.

And it's hilarious because I just botched it. All right. So this one's called Boppa Claims. like their favorite part and it's hilarious because i just botched it all right so this one's called boppa claims people accuse him of having others write jokes for him like chris rock possibly then compares himself to lebron and tom brady sounds great yeah so here we go i'm crazy like that's not real that that can't be real that was so impressive that can't be real you're actually helping jake paul in this that's all you're. You're actually helping Jake Paul in this. That's all you're doing. You're just feeding into his narrative. When you say that, that's a compliment. That's such a compliment. It's the same thing. I've had people go, Shobb doesn't write his jokes.

There's no way. They come to the show and then Mark Toney, this guy, thinks you have someone writing jokes. I'm like, damn, that's a compliment, dude. What do they think? Chris Rock's writing them? Who's writing them? I'm like, oh man,'s a compliment, dude. What do they think? Chris Rock writing them? Who's writing them? I'm like, oh man, that's dope. I'm never like, what? That's ridiculous. No, dude. Hell no. I'm confident nobody thinks Chris Rock is writing Brendan Schaub's material.

Oh, really, dude? That's an early oh, really, dude. That's an oh, really, dude with an exclamation point. Chris Rock? Why would you pick him? You should do the oh, really, dude, like a leprechaun. That's offensive. That's the worst thing exclamation point. Chris Rock? Why would you pick him? You should do the O really do like a leprechaun. That's offensive. That's the worst thing that's happened to Chris Rock since the slap. That's the worst in the slap. To be accused. I'd rather Will Smith

punch me. Hell yeah, man. Fuck yeah. You think somebody else is doing that? That's dope, dude. That's great. I mean, it's a good show. It was so good. You think somebody else is writing it. Hell yeah, dude, this is great. This is fantastic.

So with Jake, same thing. He says it so many times. Same thing. Exact same thing. Same thing with Tom Brady, right? Dude,

he's whatever he is, 44. Dude, there's no way he's that good. Yeah. He's on steroids, right? We always want to cut the legs from under.

Wait a minute. He's saying there's no way I'm that good. He has compared himself so far to Jake, Paul, Tom Brady, and Chris Rock. Like, it got progressively, like, better. More athletic. Because nobody really wants to be Jake Paul, probably. I'm sure he loved it.

It was money. So Jake Paul, and then Chris Rock, who's one of the greatest stand-ups of all time, and then Tom Brady, who's legitimately the best quarterback to ever live. So what's the last one? Didn't they say Le they say lebron let's see if he does all right let's see what does he say about people because we could never comprehend that somebody could achieve these accomplishments oh my god tom brady he's on so much shit lebron dude so much shit okay okay just makes this makes you feel better about yourself. What?

The reason that if Shab is watching this, the reason that people say that is because, and I want to try to say this in a way that's not super mean, but it's because you're so bad at standup that if you have a joke that even has like a, is written in a way that has like a punchline, people assume that someone else has written it. Yeah. Because they've seen things like the Magic Johnson thing. Like nobody would accuse you of writing, of not writing that. That has Schaub written all over it.

I need Magic Johnson jokes seven times a week. I tried to force that one in there. I just love that. The tater tots thing has been stuck in my head. So I've been doing it nonstop with Gerardo where I'm like, I need tater tots seven times a week. Oh, really, dude?

This one's called the stop painting narrative, Bapa. Dana is going to call you a dummy. I really, before you, I want to know what, where does Shab think Jews came from? I guess he's talking about like Egypt Egypt maybe when there were slaves in Egypt. Oh yeah. Well, does he elaborate more?

Do you think? Well, you know, he watches George Carlton and Dave Chappelle. So Dave Chappelle has that one joke about going one toe to toe with the Jewish person and seeing who had it like the oppression Olympics kind of thing. Oh, I don't even remember that. But yeah, maybe he stole it from that. It's quite possible. But anyway, sure, pal and George Carlton. So here's

the change of the narrative. Bapa watch the fight. He goes definitely one heart emoji. I agree. And then since then, Daniel Cormier, he says he's been hearing stuff about Peter Yan because, you know, Peter Yan, he lost a split to Al Jermaine He had the DQ because of the knee

And then now this Sean O'Malley thing He's saying that he thinks the UFC Doesn't have his back so he might want to do something else And not be in the UFC He doesn't want a Russian champion During these times I don't know That's what Daniel Corbin says

Because he's Russian yeah yeah, good chance. Oh, fuck. He's saying Russian? Yeah. What did you think he said? I thought he said he doesn't want a Russian champion, but like rush in. Oh, yeah, yeah. Because he kind of, it's also, look, he just,

this is another time where it seems like the Kratom is either wearing off or coming on. Or kicking in. Or kicking in, yeah. Because, like, people explain Kratom is either wearing off or coming on or kicking in or kicking in yeah because like people explain kratom but and no offense this the explanation of kratom is so boring that i can't i just can't bring myself to read it i like that you're commenting i like that you're engaging and i wish you well but i'm never gonna take it so when i'm like what is kratom you know i don't care really we'll take Kratom out of the conversation. If you see something longer than a sentence, you don't read it.

You said that before. Not yet. Well, it's like, no, no. If it's like eight, nine sentences, I'm not going to read the whole thing. I got a job and I can't be like reading it. There's like 300, 400 comments on these things. So I do read the comments, okay? I check my social media.

You have two jobs, dude. Chang's and your job yeah i got my shift at chang's i gotta do you know i had to cover for chase super respect my guy sorry you got you got hit but you're gonna come back even stronger next time i feel it i feel it got that chang's blood running through you all right let's finish chang's never quits what are you gonna do with that you can't fight in russia definitely can't fight in russia not right now what do you do with that? You can't fight in Russia.

Face of, you know, that division's Russian? With what's going on right now? It's going to be tough to market. You think Americans are going to get behind that? Your American audience? Can't advertise in Russia for the most part, I don't think. Can't advertise Russia for the most part, you think? Okay.

From a business standpoint i'm i'm a peter yon i'd be like i'm fucking out of here dude i don't know if that's true i haven't heard anyone say that but him what does him being russian have to do with anything well he's saying that let's say peter yon because the champion you can't go to russia to fight because of the war happening do they normally go to other countries of the fighters to fight yeah they they do like a there's a brazilian champion they'll go to brazil for him to do a title defense really yeah i don't even know that yep like ufc does that yeah like uh what's his name meet you meet uh steopage. Fuck, I'm like Schaub, dude. What is that guy's name?

What is that guy's name? Stiopich. Stipe. Stipe. Stipe Miocic. Stipe Miocic. Fuck. But he's from Cleveland.

Yeah, so they'll fight in Cleveland. Yeah. For like a title defense. Cleveland's a little different than Brazil. Or Russia. Well, Cleveland's a lot like Russia. The continent, bro? What does he say? The country, not the continent bro or what does he say the state the country not the continent or whatever he says so this one's called the sebastian mistal

sebastian maniscalco in the hizzy again sclob on people who believe the rumor the paul fight was rigged dude these titles that chang's makes they're like tongue twisters yeah they're trying to make you seem dumb they're great though yes they're like tongue twisters. They're trying to make you seem dumb. They're great though. Yes, they're amazing. Here we go. What I think is funny is, and I've had people say, listen, I was at Star Wars this morning. Do you think that's real?

I'm like, oh my god. Was it? Yeah. He talks so fast for no reason. It's got to be, like people said, the Adderall. That's one thing he does in Shell. You're probably not allowed to promote that or whatever. Yeah.

But he's definitely on Adderall, right? Yeah. And he's on Kratom and Alpha Brain and Tiger Thick Whiskey. So at different points, you know, it's like he's very fast. Uppers and downers. There was a guy that messaged us about potentially sponsoring us for his rehab center and like shouting him out whenever shab does crate who talks about or looks like he's on kratom or tiger thick a little bit thick a little bit thick ski yeah um and i would definitely

bring it up now if i knew the name but i don't know so hit me up guy yeah that could be a fun bit we'll just bring it up and help people out anytime. Yep. He seems like it, which would be probably a lot. So a good sponsorship opportunity. Here we go. You guys got a pumpkin spice latte? You know, like if you think it's staged, you're also the same grown man that orders pumpkin spice lattes, right? So, boy.

What? I didn't know that Shab was another one of these people that says grown man. Because that's a huge thing on the YouTube. It's like, I can't believe a grown man did this. A grown man does this. I responded to one guy. I was like, would you rather Shab less make fun of a child? It makes no sense.

Because a grown man doesn't have to do anything. Why can't a grown man have a pumpkin spice latte, Shab? It's probably because he doesn't want to say those words. Pumpkin spice latte that's a lot of that's a hard one for shop he goes into starbucks and he's like he wants to get a pumpkin spice latte he's like can i get a guadalata hard scarf what i need a guadalata times a week listen puppy dude um before we go let's play one more clip and then i'll bring what i was gonna say all right this one's called brain dumb having a seizure it's just so mean that's silly you meanest one brain down

that's silly you talk a lot of shit about MMA fighters you want to bring fighters up and you want everyone to get paid but you cast everyone every time they fight is he really reading right now that's silly this is like what happens when a dog would try to read

you know that SNL sketch where they put a helmet on a dog and he would try to read a dog was like you know that SNL sketch where they put a helmet on a dog alright let's try to see if we can guess what he's saying ready don't laugh don't laugh you talk a lot about MMA fighters then you pretend that you want to bring fighters up and you want everyone to get paid better but you trash everyone every time

they fight okay I kind of understood that I think yeah he said you talk all this shit about MMA fighters but you bring up trash talk them or you yeah i got the beginning that's one of the things where you'd have to like listen to it a lot like an fba investigator they have their helmet you know they're like okay what did johnny say to the guy he's a wire oh fuck the wire's not plugged in right that shit yeah stop moving around jenny oh i remember what i was going to bring up um when i was driving back i was telling gerardo that I'm coming from a Halloween work party. And Gerardo sent me a text saying, did you hear about Shab's wife?

And I wrote, no. What happened? And he wrote, she dressed up like a hot Cheeto for Halloween. It's a pretty good bit. I was like, there's a chance that could be real, though. I thought you were making a good bit joke. Yeah. And you were but uh i thought i was like yeah it couldn't be real i would totally fire a shot but i'd be like can you be a hot cheeto so people think like my stupid bits are like not out of bounds all right so this one's called naters will say it's fake

short little clip here now the neighbors can be like it's fixed. It's not real, blah, blah, blah. This is a great... The knitters? Yeah. So he really says to... Jeez. Maybe his neighbors hate him. Wait, I thought he was trying to say haters. Yeah. But maybe he was starting to say neighbors.

Oh, because his brain... Yeah, he has all those break-ins in his house. Love that. How old are you? He's always drinking out of shoes. Yeah. So I could see it. All right.

So for this clip i i saw this before uh like i think last or yeah yesterday and um it's it's called compulsive liar lies about his age and then so i looked it up and brendan is 39 years old okay but this is a recent podcast and keep in mind too his birthday is not recent whatsoever. Okay. Love that. How old are you? 38. 38. Okay, so you're a little bit older than me.

So is he lying or is he just forgot? Because, Papa, there's a chance he forgot. He's so stupid. It's Fred. I'm 38. I'm surprised he didn't have to do the math in his head. Brain dumb forgets age. All right, so this one's called,

Francis Ngannou may need to investigate Tripoli's whereabouts when he did food truck diarrhea. It's Francis Ngannou on this week's food truck diaries. And we booked him really short notice, so we couldn't get him a food truck. So I went and picked up chicken sandwiches, and we got him out of the trunk of my car. As I stuck my dick in his chicken sandwich and then watched him eat it i have to check that you know i'd love to see fight john africa you'll see in france john africa

even mike tyson somebody who's been hit in the head quite a bit he's homeless as fuck yeah he's not only is he homeless as fuck, but he's catching Brennan's mistakes. He's like, what? John Africa. All right, I don't know if you keep up with the aerial beef with Brennan Chobb. Very little. It's fucking epic, dude.

Oh, yeah? So I can cut this part out if it's not good, but this is just an aerial clip. Okay, yeah, yeah. Mix it up. Mix it up, Chin. So this one's called the PF Chang's supports aerial. When I, when the, the broadcast ended and you know, you,

you take off your headset, you're like, Oh, all right. That was, that was fun. I'm done as I'm leaving. There's all these people around the, the ring. I saw the great Mike Goldberg there former UFC play-by-play man said hello to him that was lovely kind of weird that I'm the one getting off from the broadcast and he's just standing there usually that's him anyway as I walk out there's still a bunch of fans there and it was a very young crowd as I'm like leaving the gated area around the ring and making a right to go into the back.

There was probably a good 30 or so youngish guys there. And all of them were just chanting PF Changs, PF Changs. You didn't get any of my video. No, I was just like, are you kidding me? A hundred percent.

I would be doing that. Yeah. I would do that at any age, but I like right now, a hundred, that's like, that would be the most fun part of going to a UFC match is chaining PF Changs.

To meet Ariel Helwani and champ PF Changs. That's so great. I mean, he's got, he's got a fan base there of just the Changs people. And there's so many of them. I can't talk. I can't talk.

That's what happens when you eat that orange chicken, B. Yeah. All right. I saw this one a couple can't talk. That's what happens when you eat that orange chicken, B. Yeah. All right. I saw this one a couple of days ago. Okay. It's called the Bop and Nose We Meet at Chang's. Did you see this one yet?

No. All right. So check this shit out, dude. What else you got? Come on. You got to come up with something. You should all get together. I don't know where you guys meet, whether it's a P.F. Chang's, a Starbucks.

I don't know where the guys meet, whether it's a Piff Chang's Starbucks. I don't know where the hell all these haters, sugars, haters meet. All these sugars. Sugar Shane O'Malley's haters. Oh, so Sugar Shane is a fighter. I know Shane O'Malley. That's the guy with the crazy hair. That's the guy that beat Peter. Yeah.

I don't even know how you say Peter, but Jan. But why does he think that haters, all haters just go to P.F. Chang's so he thinks that people hate Sean O'Malley and meet up at P.F. Chang's too no dude no dude no really dude no it's just you

Sean O'Malley is not getting hated on at the Chang's subreddit as far as I know and I've been trolling that recently so I think I would have seen that. He's like, I don't know where you guys, why doesn't Starbucks, where does he get these Starbucks? Where does he get these ideas?

Why do they come into his head? I've been to Starbucks seven times a week. Need to get you a PF Chang's, Poppy. I've been pretty excited to show you this one too. As you can see, I rated it Netflix. You know what modern MMA shows are lacking detailed breakdowns of widely seen cartoon episodes that came out five years ago that's what

ready if you watch the Piggle Rick episode and you're not like holy shit it's fantastic I mean dude the family because the family's so fucked up the family's going to therapy in order to get out of family therapy Rick turned himself into a pickle to get out of it. And then his daughter's like, do you turn yourself into a pickle because you don't want to get therapy?

He's like, no, no, I totally forgot. But then he has a needle that is a syringe hanging above him where you just hit something and it turns back into a human being. And she's like, Oh, well, if you forgot, then you probably don't need this. He's like,

no, no, don't take that. And he's like, God damn it. And then they leave, go to therapy. And he's just sitting there.

He's just all, she's going, okay. And he's like trying to roll and rock. He rolls and rolls into the sun. He's about to die. They start draining. This would be a great down the fucking drain,

uh, the storm drain. And about to die. They start draining. This would be a great stand-up bit. The fucking drain, the storm drain. And he gets into like the sewage and then there's rats there. And then he kills a rat. He's the smartest person in the universe. He turns himself with all the rat bones and muscle. He turns himself into this badass superhero.

It's insane, dude. It's so creative and well done. It's by far the best even when he tries to say creative he says kratom it's so kratom and well done that was like yeah that was like uh when you talk to a little kid like a little kid tells you a story and then i went on like this really fun ride but the ride had like a there was like a monster on it and you just like sit there and you're like okay okay, great. Good, good, Brandon. And then I took my shoe out and I poured

my thick whiskey in it and I drank out of the shoe. These guys broke into my house and I wasn't there but then I arrested them with my guns and then my wife was there and she was throwing hot Cheetos all over the place. Alright, so this one's

the last one for today. So this one's, uh, this is the last one for today. It's called the amount of nicotine pouches he shoves in and tries to speak through is astonishing. There's a code and it's being professional too. Shane and I, we just grew up hard knocks. I remember before Rothwell fight,

which he didn't hit me that hard, but you know, mess me up. And then even no gear a week before I flew to Brazil, we did that mock fight where we had a crowd there. Shane was my sparring partner. Shane came in. He was at the lake. He was like nine beers deep.

Came in late. And I'm like, what are you doing? Let's go. And my coach is like, no talking. We want this as real as we can. First round, Shane knocked me out a week before my fight. I came to him like like what the i go what are you doing dude the fuck he's like i'm so sorry brother i'm sorry what about anderson silva they said god damn so he's chewing tobacco that's what that is no nicotine pouches oh you put

nicotine pouches in your mouth yeah i didn't even know that you put it on your arm it's like the lozenges, right? Lozenges? Yeah, whatever they're called. Los ninjas? Fuck. The los ninjas. Okay, shut up.

Man. So he smokes or like vapes or some shit? I didn't even know that. No, it's just he's sponsored by that nicotine company that puts pouches in his mouth. Oh my God. He does need a handler, dude. I need a handler. Yes, you do. Yeah.

You've got to start. You don't just because you sponsored something doesn't mean you need to necessarily use it. All the time. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, nicotine losses, you know, that's not good for you.

Don't do that. You do that if you smoke to get not smoking and then eventually stop. Just take nicotine losses forever. Good God. Well, yeah, that's all the clips for today. All right. Well, that's all of the clips. smoking and then eventually stop just take nicotine lozenges forever good god well yeah that's all the clips for today all right well that's all of the clips uh thanks for tuning in um hope you enjoyed this episode and we had thanks again to walsh the world record podcast for the last one that was great um join the discord join the discord uh we we may or may

not have alan stricken williams on a 10 minutes a shot thing coming up. We might have recognized, been on Conan and Comedy Central, so he may do it. I don't know if we can talk him. I don't know if he's homeless yet. Yes. We'll see. We'll find out. But anyways, thanks for tuning in. Have a great week.

We'll see you next week. Bye. Happy Halloween. Bye.