10 Minutes of Schaub - Brendan Schaub is a DOLPHIN! And it's Christmas at CHANGS! | 10 Minutes of Schaub #29

Episode Date: January 18, 2023

Twenty-ninth episode of 10 Mintues of Schaub

Walk me to my truck, walk me to my truck, walk me to my truck, and in my truck I'm going to suck my verka. Bring in the holidays with Christmas at Chang's. I want to take you on a Christmas truck walk. It's all about merch. I want to wish you a Christmas truck walk from the backseat of my truck. 300 pages of Christmas wishes from some of our favorite chefs come together on one Spotify playlist, B.

It's gonna be Netflix. Are you alright? What a fight. All is bad. Worst pain your life. But your lip missed the shop. Many stitches guaranteed.

Racist Asian voice. Racist Asian voice. Racist Asian voice. Racist Asian accent not included. You ever get Crocs in your stockings? We got a good song for you, B. Just ask Jay. Crocs are lame. Crocs are lame.

Crocs are so lame. Croc shoes are gay and Crocs don't sling. Tiger and Boston will never wear them. Now the crocating has begun. Crocs are lame, crocs are lame, crocs are so lame. Croc shoes know when croc shoes blow. Blowing and sucking, no croc shoes in here. In the Dicey Air.

Dicey Dice, time is the right time to throw them crocs away. Must be homeless as fuck to order. Available in English and Shabanese. It's my time to go walk into my dicey sleigh Including some bonus tracks deep in the menu, B. Greg Hardy, the black snake, was an evil angry soul With a baseball bat and a big strong fist and eyes made out of coal Greg Hardy, the black snake, was a viper snake, they say. He's a great white shark with an evil arc.

How he came to life, XJ. But that's not all, folks. There's more. Here comes Gringo Poppy 1.1 stars right down Gringo Poppy Lane. Dicey, dicey. I'm dreaming of some digits in my butthole. Simply getting fingered at my house. Friars burning at a PF chain.

Orange sauce nipping at your nose. Dicey dishes being cooked by a chef do you want a hot chip i'm down i don't want that that's a no All right. Welcome back to 10 Minutes of Shop. I hope you enjoyed our Christmas special, Christmas at Chang's. We put a lot of effort into that, a lot of great songs there. Walk me to my truck. There he goes, one of the classics right there.

So shout out to everybody this year. Thanks for joining the show and and making it a hit and yeah we love you guys we love you guys you're welcome to join us at the carl bassett fight campaign anytime sin if you ever want to meet san jose jack johnson we're all in the discord we're all in he's on the discord all right but that's not why you're here uh you're here to watch tim is a shop so start the timer now and one quick note um before we start the timer yeah you just started the stop it stop the timer there uh rick glassman basically already did a full 10 minutes of shop on this entire episode so we're gonna i don't know if we yeah we we had to

like find other clips because basically everything is just shitting on them so that was a dense 10 minutes yeah yeah we watched the whole thing ourselves and we were like, what are we watching? 10 minutes of shopping? Everyone on the Discord was fainting and shit. Yeah, people kept saying it's great. You got to check it out. So anyway, so start the clip now. So for this first one, it's posted by LulzEXD.

It's called It Took Him 5 Seconds to Contradict Himself. That is genuinely impressive. Posted six days ago. Here we go. Here's the thing. People with fast cars, especially big guys with dope cars. The one thing people do, it doesn't matter if you're any of size,

like any of size, you go, how do you fit in that thing? It's like, oh, that's your takeaway from this dope ass car? Jeez, I can't believe you fit in that thing. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. That's the takeaway, huh?

Twin turbo Lamborghini Aventador. He's racing it. Is he racing it? Oh, you know, at the track. Oh, that's not Aventador. That's the smaller one. I can't. Again, it's not even hating on big guys and sports cars.

I just can't. I can't believe he fits in there. Oh, no. No, Papa, no. Oh, my God. Oh, really, dude? What are you doing? Oh, man.

He doesn't acknowledge it. He doesn't acknowledge it at all. I mean, I got to start with the way he looks though it's like a new look you know what is this this is like uh lyric hyperion coffee guy in a shop outfit it'd be funny to see shop dressing up as different kinds of uh people construction worker shop um silver lake shop, Hollywood shop. I feel like he saw Dahmer and he was like, man, everything he did was dicey dicey. He definitely, yeah, he definitely watched it.

He talked about watching Dahmer and he's like, you know what? I don't like all the murder and all that stuff, but the glasses that Dahmer wears, it might be good for me to say that big, oh, really? I'm big, so I can't drive a nice car fuck you but also man some of these big guys dude like they shouldn't be in these he's like i know people it's like how does he fit in there oh my god all right let's go to the next one that one i was waiting all week to show you that one that's a good that was that was great good job um well first of all thanks to the cats dude thanks to the cats posting me that was fucking hilarious i i never did what

fucking show was that dude yeah i don't that must be one of his many podcasts yeah it's not tfk it's one of the thousand other ones that there are um and he was also on this other show quite a bit this last week it says i think it's called dead talks but i was like i legit thought to myself when i first saw these clips like did papa start a show called dead talk i know yeah you never know he's got podcasts out the wazoo um but this one's called uh some might say the paintedest of narratives should have added a b right there and then uh posted by rogan and Shorty pie. Brian, thank you for being here, man. I appreciate it.

Of course, man. It's pretty, it's pretty badass to have you sitting next to me. And I do want to ask, I've, you know, I've hounded you to try to, you know, invite you on this podcast and you graciously said yes. Was there anything in particular

that interested you? And I feel like usually people have a willingness to do it. Maybe there's some interest in the conversation a lot. Yeah, people are commenting on how he doesn't look very good in this show.

He looks pretty swollen. He like just, you know, he had a big lunch or something. Or maybe he put the pouches in both lips or both cheeks this time. Drinking that Diet Coke too, B. Yeah, drinking that Diet Coke

after, because you got to have the Diet Coke after you get the kratom and whatever none of that none of that I mean I'm open

minded on all topics so obviously the title of your show I knew it was gonna be about death and stuff like that which is

I'm always down to talk about so many people helped me out when I was coming up so you know I give that that's just my thing

to do I don't know if you have one listener or 700 million. I don't know. I don't care. You know, so many people help me out coming up. So many people. So, that's what I do, man. Oh, really, dude?

But it wasn't money. But those old school days are still around. It's like, you know, I'm in San Antonio and we've sold a shit ton of tickets. Like, oh, can you do this Spurs only podcast? And I told my brother, I'm like, ask him how many listeners gets like, we get like 800. I'm like 800,000. Like, no, no, no. Like 800 people.

I'm like, well, no, I can't do that. No, that doesn't make sense. It's a waste of my time now. Oh my God. That's exactly right. Gotta XJj you know all that was not necessary but it was very welcomed it's kind of messed up to say i don't know if you have one listener you have a million is what the what he's saying there is you don't have any listeners yeah like i'm you're on you should be honored to

have me on when you have shop on your pod you got to know that there's going to be tons of clips of him saying dumb shit cut up and that's what most people are going to watch you know him just being a moron on your podcast but in the moment you're the guy talking to him is probably like oh this is nice dude i can have one listener he'd come on the podcast. But in the moment, the guy talking to him is probably like, oh, this is nice. Dude, I can have one listener. He'd come on the podcast. You know what I mean? Shob's like, I looked up your numbers,

and I'm a numbers guy, B, and your show sucks. But you're one of the few people that doesn't think I'm a moron. So here I am. I have stuffed my mouth full of stuff. I look terrible. What did I do last night? All right. So this one's another one from Rogan and Shorty Pie. It's called Dolphin DNA.

Are you joking or coming out of the comic book store, Bapa? Kids, you ever seen Shark's Tale? I know of it. So Shark's Tale, if you've never seen it, it's a kid's movie. Will Smith is in it. Why is he always describing kids' movies on podcasts? I mean, it's a kids movie. Will Smith is in it. Why is he always describing kids movies on podcasts? I mean, he does have kids. I'll give him that.

So maybe he's watching movies with kids. But I feel like it's not that. And I feel like Shab, that is the level of movie that he's watching. I feel like he's so busy. And he has kids, yes. I understand that. So he's only watching kids content. And so when he

goes on a podcast to talk to grown-ups he uses these references from kids shows that he feels like everyone watches because he watches it all the time yeah yeah he did yeah because he has kids he thinks everybody else has seen it but pixar executives do probably have to show their films to kids that are at the level of intelligent shop has to see it. Brendan doesn't get that one. We got to change the shark. We have to explain that sharks can't talk in real life.

Did he actually? He slaps another fish. Yeah. Way pre. This was eight years ago. Yeah yeah that movie was in hindsight how has that not been cut up on social media i know yeah he slaps another fish and uh but in that movie the premise is there's you know the great white sharks are basically like the alpha males of the ocean and then the one great white shark wants to be a dolphin he wants to like dance and do silly shit i'm that great white. I look like a great white shark,

but in my deep... He wants the dancer out of me and Dolphin. He called Greg Hardy a great white shark, too. Remember? He's evil. He's a great white shark. He's a cobra. He's a black snake viper snake. He's a big strong man

with a baseball bat. Man, Papa. You're wild. He's like a dumb, he's a big, strong man with a baseball bat, man. Papa you're wild. He, he's like a dumb, a very dumb Rogan. I love Brennan job so much, dude. He's awesome. That's so great. He goes, he should go out on like a Australian, an Australian, uh, like a Steve Irwin type show. Yeah. That would be great. Him out there with a, like the Australian guy has on all this stuff and the camo and the, you know,

the backpack and everything and shops just there in that with a diet Coke high on great alpha brain. Alpha brain is a losing stock with me. Oh my God. Dude, this is awesome. You know how dolphins dance. I'm gay.

What? They're all dolphins. I'm that. I'm that great white shark. I look like a great white shark, but in my DNA, I'm a dolphin. I'm gay. Dude,

they're all dolphins. They're one of the only gay gay. Dude, they're called all golf, or all golfers gay? Yeah, they are. They're one of the only gay mammals. Yeah, you know that? I'll be in all of them,

but they're just- High percentage, man. Maybe they're buying. Yeah. They get timeshares in West Hollywood. It's crazy. You know what actually makes sense?

That if dolphins are the gayest, they're also like the smartest. Man, he had me, dude, and then he said that. Something to think about. This clip has everything.

Something to think about. Something to think about. The punchline. All right, so I got to think about. Something to think about. The punchline. Alright, so I got to think of a punchline for this dolphin thing. Here's what I'm going to go. I've got three punchlines, okay? The first one is I'm gay.

Actually, that's the only one I have. If Rick Lastman was in this one, Bob would have a stroke. Dude. Oh, man. I did not expect to laugh this much right now. What's the matter with me, B? I'm a gray white shark, you know?

That's what I look like. But rarely, deep down, I'm a dolphin. And gay, by the way. Dolphins fuck people, dude. This one's posted by Roganis Shorty Pie. Wife's great. Would use her as a shield though i want to watch this whole episode i watch these clips now from delia and and shop and all that it makes me want to go through all of my jokes and be like all right well that's about animals it's got to go i don't want to look like that that's about

documentaries can't put that in there i've never met anybody in my life who i'd die for you know what i'm saying and to steal ryan reynolds line've never met anybody in my life who I'd die for. You know what I'm saying? And to steal Ryan Reynolds' line, he's like, I thought I'd be willing to die for my wife, right? And I thought she was the most important thing. Then those two babies came into this world. I would use her body as a shield to protect those kids. And he ain't lying.

My wife's great. Yeah, same thing. Use her as a shield. Oh. He's a shield. Listen, my Mexican wife, dude, she's from Guadalajara. Dude, like what I would do, somebody tries to kill my kids, pick her up. Pick her right up. She's a shield.

They're not going to turn them into chombies. Dude, man. That is a crazy thing to say. Brandonnan job went on this podcast dude for the homeless dude he's trying to get his homes dude he had something to say he's like i'm gonna say exactly what i think you guys think you fucking hate me dog i'm a dolphin wait until i'm willing to kill my wife for my kids why wouldn't you try and save all three is that not an option i have a feeling everyone that works around b Jobs sucks so bad, but he's the GOAT, dude.

He's Dave Chappelle, dude. Yeah, I mean, if he's doing this on purpose, he's amazing. Look at him licking his lips. He knows he said something insane. He's like, this is going to get on Chang's. He's just like us. He's like, they're going to like this on Chang's. Oh, my God.

All right, what's next? All right, this one's posted by a guy named Magic Mind. Good vibes really do come in a bottle, I guess. Oh, is this one of his sponsors? I don't know. Magic Mind, maybe. Yeah, probably. Yeah, because it's got all the classic shops, boost energy levels, increase focus, support memory, all the stuff he can't do.

All the things that he's not doing. He cannot do. What about Shab, Elevated Mood? He's like, he's on a podcast. Oh, it's Chris morning. I'm a great white with the DNA of a dolphin. I'm gay. Magic mind.

Yeah. What about you saying that dolphins are gay is supporting memory recall? How does that show that you're elevating mood? All right. Let's see what this is all about. It's on Instagram. It's fucking hard as fuck to make this clip, but ready? Yeah.

Warning you now, dude. I took Magic Mind. Your boy sent me Magic Mind. How about that magic? I took down my coffee. Bro, did I not tell you? Yeah, I thought you were full of shit. It's so good.

It's fantastic. You feel good, right? You're kind of like, you're alert. Yep. You're not wired. You're alert. You're just like, ah! Hey, I'm warning you now, kind of like, you're alert. Yep. You're not wired. You're alert. You're just like, ah! Hey, I'm warning you now, dude.

Man, they're merch. That's just the classic merch drop. Can you imagine if we did? Oh, dude, you told me about Manscaped, dude. Dude, my balls are clean. I know, man. Like, I just thought it was bullshit. All my balls.

All the balls. All the balls are clean. Like, before, women would not even look at me when i took my they would leave because it was disgusting there's so much hair and i would cut myself my balls just bleed everywhere that's just too gross it tastes great oh my god dude i mean yeah i mean dude i use that shit dude so i feel like these are just clips now that we've missed over the last couple months yeah so uh this one's from uh thunder lips 187 uh don't ask brendan to spell mean him connect joseph is he might be the best i fucking love that guy i loved and i love you

oh man that's so funny yeah spelling out Spelling out T-H-E. You're like, oh my God, how does this guy, how does this guy function? Yeah, and that's basically all the clips. I mean, dude, that was an action-packed episode right there. Yeah, the first clip was amazing. I'm glad that was like a little Christmas gift. Shout out to Rick Glassman.

Rick Glassman killed it on the fucking TFAK episode. All right, well, join the Discord. Have a great holidays. We'll see you next week. Bye.