10 Minutes of Schaub - Brendan Schaub is in a FAILING MARRIAGE!! | 10 Minutes of Brendan Schaub #4

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

Fourth Episode of 10 Minutes of Schaub

10 minutes of shop baby pull it up all right pull it up 10 minutes of shop let's wait i don't have my timer started but you're pulling it up so yes i will start the timer when you have the clip do you want us to do his uh instagram today you know what you pick dealer's choice baby oh shit dealer's choice chin chin yeah i wish i had looked up more shabby knees yeah but people uh are loving shops they can't get enough can't get enough so far let's see here so 10 minutes to shop wait don't start yet don't start i haven't started listen i'm not gonna start until the clip starts playing how much how much job do you get outside of this 10 minutes? Zero minutes.

Really? Yeah, I really do. Well, I mean, every once in a while, Reddit gives me alerts on my phone. Yeah. So I might see his face in a funny title. So I'll read that. Sometimes the titles make me chuckle. You know, because it's all from the fighter and the kid.

And they shit on him even in the title, and enjoy that i mean he is a fool so as we know from the all we learn we learn something kind of new every 10 minutes you know yeah i mean the last one i thought was interesting uh when i posted the 10 minutes of shab uh this one guy wrote that Schaub has too many designer hats. He has a hat for every football team or every sports team. Someone wrote that it was an off-white hat. Virgil Abloh, RIP Virgil Abloh. Brandon Schaub is wearing your hats now, Brenda. Brenda's got a Virgil hat. All right, dude

I got one. All right, I got a stand-up right now. Yeah. All right. We're ready to start it Let's see what this is I think it is. Why is this this not playing why is there no sound oh that's why here we go okay yep it's from our favorite

it's from our favorite stand up special let's just do this one really quick yeah yeah yeah I married a god damn rattlesnake this is my girl

this is my girl man they just opened my son's school last week he hasn't been in school in a fucking year they just opened it last week first day of. He hasn't been to school in a fucking year.

They just opened it last week. First day of kindergarten. So I got him his first day outfit looking all fucking fly. Dope kicks. Giant backpack. Backwards hat. Looks just like me. I'm walking up to school.

I'm like, dude, it's about to be lit. Dooming his children. All his little friends out front in their first day outfits. I'm like, oh my God, you guys are cute as shit. I need to document this. I go, T, get tight. There's a bunch of you squeezing tight. Daddy's going to take a picture. Is this the cut out the ugly thing?

Ready? One, two, three. Cheese. They're all cheese. I take it on my phone. I'm all, hell yeah. Even his kids do the thing where you say something and you move. Yeah.

You know? Call back. Everybody in Shob's mind, if they do something, they're all like, yeah, moving and shit. Yeah. He's so dumb. He dresses his kids.

He dresses kids like himself. Like I've thought about that. Like if I had kids, I want them to like look cool. Cause my parents put no effort into me looking cool. But I mean, his version of cool is much different than mine. I wonder if they're skinny pants.

Look at that, dude. Wow. His caption is, been in Portland 20 minutes, I've changed. You know, I'll give it to him. He sticks to hack. Yeah, he really likes shitting on Portland. Yeah.

So his fans in Portland must also not like living in Portland. Which is a weird choice. You're like, you fans in Portland must also not like living in Portland, which is a weird choice. You're like, you live in Portland, but you're like, man, I fucking hate this city. Thank God Brennan Schaub is here. Thank God. I can go to the show with Antifa and the Proud Boys. Apparently, remember, they're both big fans of Schaub.

B-Schaub, as he called himself. B-Schaub fans. He brings them together, B-shop they should have him solve the roe v wade stuff knew some piece of shit but um right handsome devil though handsome fucking dude i'll give him that oh she went so fucking handsome this guy looks like his son what are you a fucking model you're distracting dude what are you a model what are you what are you the next captain america what's happening right now are you the voice of the new Buzz Lightyear sir you are breathtaking

he says what other comedians say you know like he's watched probably hours and hours of other terrible comedians of his ilk go up and like I mean the lay in like oh dude who is this guy he's fucking so hot though

oh really dude he watches is this guy? He's fucking so hot, though. Oh, really, dude? He watches George Carlton. Do you remember? George Carlton. Yeah, that's true. He's a very big fan of George Carlton, too. Gavin Newsom sucks. He has an erection, but he's fucking tight.

There we go again. Chobb thinks it's hilarious he's gay. Yeah, Chobb always finds penises funny. Yeah. Well, he always says something about him being gay but it's so obvious that he's not that that's the joke the joke you know which is like at this point him still doing it kind of funny right a little dicey dicey look at this gentleman out there i don't know what you do man the sky is the limit, my man. I mean, the next Top Gun?

Fuck sakes, dude. On your helmet, it just says Dime Piece. That'd be fucking sick. Is he younger than me? Okay, dude. Let me see. I'm not even gay, but fuck. We don't really need to know.

Newsome said today, KTLA. Shout out to KTLA. Out of my face, dude. Shout out to KTLA. Jesus Christ, man. Let me try to... I'm just going to hold this here so it blocks you out. You're one lucky lady. He's 39.

He's 39 years old. Okay, good. Shout out to KPCC. It took me so long to remember that. I don't know if that means anything. It doesn that. I don't like karate. I don't know if that means anything. It doesn't. It doesn't, no.

I like the life, my man. Are you an actor? Are you a model? This is the third time he's called him a model, dude. Yeah. He's like, are you an actor? Are you a model? He sounds like he's in an M. Night Shyamalan movie where they're just, you know how they always identify

what job titles everyone has. Like you're a carpenter. I'm a cowboy. I'm a middler. Shaw would be perfect in that M. Night Shyamalan movie. He's been an idiot the whole time. I'm going to call Tommy Hilfiger up when we leave here. Like, I got the guy, bro.

Nobody wears Tommy Hilfiger anymore. I don't know if you saw that documentary. They need some help. Shit, who couldn't you help? Nobody wears Tommy Hilfiger anymore. I did see it. Damn. We're only halfway through. It's so bad. How old is that? Blackfish?

Eight years? Yeah. He's got some hot Blackfish riffs. I'm just going to put you in a baby seat. Guys, remember when those fish were dying? Remember how sad I was? Boy, it was funny, right? What?

Still relevant, right? Yeah, yeah. He's like, those are the only two documentaries he's ever seen. The Abercrombie thing, and he heard about Blackfish SeaWorld. He was like, those are the cross section of Schaub's interests. His pink hat. The pink hat

is probably the thing I like most about this getup. Fucking splashing around. Short shorts. What are you doing? Your girl's all mad like, fuck whatever. Tossing fish in the water and you don't even like fuck whatever tossing fish in the water and you don't eat them just fucking just chum in the water and my big ass just cannonballs in and fucking that's my man whoosh just gets gay well yeah well what do you expect you know yeah yeah

his big closer is something about him possibly being gay. By the way, that whole joke, I was gay. This is Pride, Shob. We're doing this on Pride Month, man. Yeah. That's bad, dude. SeaWorld Gay. SeaWorld Gay.

SeaWorld Gay. The Laugh Factory is gay. You guys are all gay. Comedy is gay. Gay. The Laugh Factory is gay. You guys are all gay. Comedy is gay. Wouldn't it be gay if I tried to do jokes? You're hot, gay. Gay, gay, gay. Penis, penis, penis.

You know what? You should get pants that don't look like that. How about start with the way that you look. Just stop dressing the way you do. You know what, though? I don't look like that. How about start with the way that you look. Just stop dressing the way you do. You know what, though? I do have pants like that. Where your dick is just all out like that? I don't need my dicks on all like that.

Is that his dick? I don't know. I'm just fucking. You're so distracting. All right. Here we go. The first ever having a crowd after seven years. I might have to escort you out of here.

You might have to fucking leave, dude. I might have to escort you out of here. You might have to fucking leave, dude. I might have to calm down, Sean. I have one. Escort. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Talking about handsome people. The Shaw household, we can't go through in our lockdown.

Telling you right now. We can't make it out of it. Yeah. We'll be locked down, dude. I'm telling you right now. We can't make it out of it. Yeah. We won't be locked down, dude. I'm just saying. If you want to lock down. Nothing he says is true, but it would be funny if like it's really bad right now. Like it's very tense in the shop household.

She's like very close to leaving. Yeah. And he's like, dude, I got to go. I know we just had a fight and I want to work this out, but I got to go to the laugh factory and say that i'm like you know attracted to a guy i might be i gotta talk about blackfish at the laugh factory for like an hour but then we'll we'll work it out yeah also too i i picture he's in a you know tough spot with his girl. And what's his escape, dude? Comedy.

Comedy, yeah. He uses his humor to get out of it. She's like, you cheated on me. You told someone to suck your dick and walk into the car. And he's like, all right, I'm so sorry. But like, dude, like, do you see that guy that delivered our Postmates? Was he like a model, dude? Like, I'm straight, but like, I might suck his dick, right?

And also, he laughs at his own jokes. He's like, what if I fuck him? That's your dad, kids. This is your father. I'm like, hey, man, I'm thinking about locking us down. What do you think, bro? I got fucking Xbox Live, bunch of snacks what do you eat like probably not much right i i eat sugar you're into sugar or no you tell me you're into gushers

we're fucking dude you tell me you're like dunkaroos we're getting married he has like children's he has like a child's appetite and a brain. Dude, if you tell me you like playing with trains, train sets, we're going to eat some Gushers together. You know what's funny to me is that he probably does have people help him write his jokes. Yeah, and they write this.

No, they write probably really good jokes. And he's like, no, no, no. They're really good comedians. And he's like, damn, dude, that's really funny. He's like, but what if I was gay, dude? Yeah, and they write this. No, they write probably really good jokes. They're really good comedians. He's like, Dan, that's really funny. He's like, but what if I was gay? Here's a great written joke. He's like, what if at the end of that, I'm gay? And then like a fruit snack falls out of his pocket.

Oops. Oops. Child. We have seven seconds left. It's almost over. Sir, I will lick your asshole. Dicey, dicey, bro. That's it.

Ten minutes of Shab. Let's see. How many likes does that have? Too many. 8,688. Of the smartest people around. Yikes. Dicey, dicey. D the smartest people around. Yeesh. Yeesh. Yikes. Dicey Dicey.

Dicey McDicester. Dicey Dicey Dicey. All right. Arnold Schwarzenegger, my favorite comedian. Dicey Dicey guy. I love the shop. I love the... I have a stand-up joke that I'm working on right now

that Schwarzenegger's in it where I say actors, you know how actors are like, sometimes I say they're shorter in real life, so like Tom Cruise, Arnold Schwarzenegger, that kind of thing. What if you met Danny DeVito and he was six foot eight? See, that'll do a chuckle. Is that Danny DeVito over there dunking that basketball?

Getting a cat from a tree? Guys, did you hear Danny DeVito went 32nd overall in the draft? He would have been an NBA player, but instead he's the uncle on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Big turnaround for old Danny. He doesn't not have a sports name. Danny DeVito kind of sounds like a baseball player's name. Yeah.

Here goes Danny DeVito driving down the court. Euro step by Danny DeVito. Danny DeVito, working class Italian, makes good. Star of the Milwaukee Bucks. Three championships. Kind of sounds like a player before the modern era. Yeah. Not really playing with black guys probably

danny devito is not although i don't know they kind of sounds like tyler hero he's white right yeah is that a basketball player is that a rapper oh basketball that's right what do i get him i get him mixed up with the other guy what's the other what's the rapper's name first class oh up in the sky jackson brown no what's his name jackson brown i don't even know jackson i know jackson brown but i can't think what are his songs very sad songs yeah yeah i have something to say about the youtube comments what i am not going to be reading long comments yeah you know like i like i like the positive comments. They're great. They keep them up. I appreciate it.

But if you write something that's like, some guy said it was five sentences. I have a real life, okay? I have a job. I do stand-up. I can't imagine justifying taking the time to read more than, you know, if you're going to insult me, make it quick and funny try to make a quick insult that's like will stick with me yeah you know those are good yeah and i don't necessarily

want that because it will hurt my feelings but i i would i almost would rather that than the stuff that people are writing is just not good well now how about this if they're gonna insult you make them long so you don't read them i guess so that's one way but it's like do you even yourself like you should have you should have more to do in your day yeah then like to sit down and analyze yeah people are like psycho analyzing me and you do you notice this i don't read them see you don't read it no why i mean i I like it because I get these notifications and I'm like drone adventures going on. Yeah.

Commenting, I'm like, all right, thanks, man. Drone adventure, I saw that. Yeah, thank you. And sometimes I like responding, thanks, Bop Bar, thanks, Chan, or something like that. Yeah. I hope Shub gives me more slang to work off of. But the ones that like somebody said something about

my brain is too fast or something like that i'm like what the fuck are you talking about idiot anyways 10 minutes a shot