10 Minutes of Schaub - The Gringo Papi (Episode from Raccoon Tweeties)

Episode Date: January 15, 2023

People asked for an audio only version of TMOS so here it is!

🎵🎵🎵 Kuni kuni kuni kunai Kuni kuni kuni kuni Kuni kuni loser bold guy Kuni kuni kuni kuni Kuni kuni kuni kunai Kuni kuni kuni kuni Welcome back to Raccoon Tweety's podcast, a.k.a. Flappers East, a.k.a. the open mic comedy podcast of Los Angeles the comedy bureau comedy cult

Bad Slava the new and improved and consistent podcast of Brendan Cooney and Gerard Allercon thank you for tuning in

I have a huge announcement I teased it on Twitter my stand up special the gringo cooney is coming out tuesday oh shit right yeah we're editing it tonight will it will i be able to get it out by tuesday i don't know hopefully gerardo's gonna show me some of his premiere skills yeah um i have a lot of big name comedians helping me work on it and edit it we have uh gerardo alarcon is in charge of he's the director of photography um i did i set up the camera for one of those those uh sets you did yep some of the door good well thank you

why are you so nervous right nervous i'm not i mean a special is a big undertaking and i'm proud of you dude you're right it is a big deal and you know this could this could be huge this could change everything yeah i feel like you could have named it something but i like the name though too i named it the gringo cooney after gringo poppy well no i'm just kidding that's i'm just i'm giving it a bit of uh of shove there to uh dren and shod because i mean who would have thought two guys coming out specials they'd be that similar the poster so similar yep and like you know a lot of the just the way it was shot and it's very like the ending the getting credits i have pictures with comedians too

oh what i have picked yeah i have a bunch i don't want to reveal who the comedians are but you know i do photoshop uh chris d'alia with ken gar at some point some of the writers i want to give credit shout out to some of my writers chris estrada uh logan gunselman jay light um who else who else wrote on it? Who are some people on it? Luke Schwartz. Shout out, Luke Schwartz. Luke Schwartz was the color editor.

Yeah. He touched up the color on the special. You know, Brennan Cooney specials, a lot of door guys on that special. A lot of door guys. I've been working on trying to get body cams for of door guys there i and i i'm uh i'm gonna get some i was i've been working on trying to get body cams for the door guys yeah so we can you know when something happens they can prove their innocence or be held accountable yeah a lot of stuff happens on the sidewalk i mean we could do some body cam footage dude you know right well anyways um i have a special that's coming out

tuesday so check it out. The Gringo Cooney. So, you know, a lot of people are telling me, hey, you're in Schaub, you have the same first name, your specials are very similar. And I was like, well, I don't really know anything about Brendan Schaub. Yeah. I barely know him. I remember him from the UFC show, and I know he's friends with Joe Rogan.

And so I was like, you know, let's watch the special and see what the big deal is and see what people are talking about. Poppy. Poppy. You haven't seen the special yet? I haven't seen the special and I don't know any of the lingo that people are doing.

You know, when they're like, when I posted it, people were like, I can't talk. I can't talk. And they're like, something Poppy. Yeah, you know, he says subscribers instead of subscribers. Subscribers. Yeah. Blogbuster, what was it?

Netflix. Oh, yeah. Blogbuster or something. So that's what. Yeah. Yeah. He says that, right? He said that he was a huge comedy fan

and then he said, I'm a huge fan of George Carlton. He said George Carlton. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, see, these are things I don't know. I mean, I am a comedy fan of George Carlton. He said George Carlton. Yeah. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, see, these are things I don't know. I mean, I am a comedy fan.

I consume media, but I haven't really tapped into the whole universe of like Shab, Callan, Theo Vaughn podcast, Bobby Lee, all that stuff. I'm like sort of out of that. I'm sure some of that's great, but I just am not familiar with it. So let's watch it.

Oh, you want to watch the special? Let's put it on and talk about it. That's why you tune in to Raccoon Tweetease. All right. Well, we got the Gringo Papi himself, dude. Gringo Papi. That's so loud. It's a little loud, yeah.

Oh, what song would you put on a big rap song like this when you're rocking? Big Boy. I think he had somebody make this for him. The song itself? Yeah, Thick Boy Squad. Thick Boy Squad. Not Dick Boy Squad. Oh, okay.

I'm sorry. I'm having a little bit of a shot moment myself. But mine comes from working all day too long, and not from head injuries and whatever. CTE. CTE. What song would you come out to? What song would you have made for you?

You know what? I've thought a lot about this, and one of my favorite songs of all time, and I get a lot of flack for this, is Super Trooper by ABBA. I don't know that song. Super Trooper, lights are gonna find you. And I'm not alone.

You want that to be your comedy song you're coming out to? I want that to be involved with my fucking life, somehow. I think I might, like, I think I like the rap thing,

but you have to make up your own lyrics. Like, so he's thick, but mine's like, ball boy squad, bring it coming out. He's probably gonna bomb. And it's thick boys. Mine's like, ball boy squad. Brendan coming out. He's probably going to bomb. In his own special.

Yeah. Same name as Brendan Shaw. Same name. But nobody knows him. He won't even get sued because he doesn't have enough subscribers. He never even fought. He never even fired? Fought.

You never fight. Yeah. Well, no. Not really. I have lost some fights. Oh, really? Butought. You never fight. Yeah. Well, no. Not really. I have lost some fights, but I haven't really gotten any UFC fights. We won't go ahead. Let's keep going. Okay. Here we go. Still going.

No. What venue is this? What city is this? In Dallas. Dallas. So that's the Dallas skyline. What's up, Dallas? Has anyone said this is the worst thing that happened since JFK? Probably, right? Probably, yeah.

It's a good way of taking it. Yeah. Look at you guys. I'm not used to this. Dallas is a little different. There's some ladies in the crowd tonight. Deal friend tonight Deal friend Deal friend

He just goes into like The 2 Chainz You know what I notice Is Dallas is a little Different Deal friend You guys know that rapper I can't even do

You know the rapper 2 Chainz Cause he has that song Different Brought me a lot of dollars But like You know like People aren't really Different though Like different Would be like yeah you know like people aren't really different though like different would be

like if i was like oh i got a fucking i'm fucking gay my demo 18 to 36 bros that's talk about. Yeah. It's a real cock fest usually at these things. Right, right, right. What's your demo, Cooney? My demo is Latino youth. We've talked about this before. Open micers. Yes.

People that work at comedy clubs. Love interests of Dominic. Autistic people. Autistic people have been attracted to me um probably probably because i don't know why i don't know i don't want to get it i don't want to get into it uh people with emotional issues i don't mind it though i'm the bro whisperer that's what they call me Gerardo said he didn't laugh once he's already seen this he said he did in a straight face he said I didn't laugh

one time and he said and he waited he like a dramatic pause and he's like and I'm serious about that yeah no I mean I don't mean to be like I'm not trying to like kill a dead horse or you know punch what is it called punch a dead horse kick a dead horse yeah you know I just I watch I consumed the whole thing you know punch what is it called punch a dead horse kick a dead horse kick a dead horse yeah you know i just i i watched i consumed the whole thing you know yeah i mean i'm intrigued yeah here

you go i want to see you already because you already laughed just at him naming his demo yeah because that's such a ridiculous thing to come out and do yeah hey you guys all right you guys are different and then and then he's like you know my demo. And then, and then he's like, you know, my demo, there's no joke yet. He's like, but the first joke is that he's the bro whisperer.

Yeah. Yeah. He's, uh, my favorite comedian for sure. Stayed up in here, Dallas, everybody vaccinated.

Okay. Is it going to be anti-vax? Dicey, dicey. I love you, Texas. That's how it is. I love it. There's always one guy. No fucking way, bro. Because guys do do that, right?

You know, like when they walk like that. When they've made a point, they get up and they walk back and forth. You know who else walks like that, though, is like Chris Rock when he gets a real punchline in. He does do that? Well, he walks the whole stage while the laughter's happening. Oh, yeah. He walks. You know what?

Like, Dad, I like that. I like that Schwab is comfortable with himself and movement. I don't like walking on stage. I don't really either. I like just delivering it, but I think sometimes, I mean, I've seen people do it very effectively. Chris Rock is pretty good at that. Diovan.

I was just watching this guy, Willie Barsena. He was walking back and forth and he had some good bits to go with it. I want to walk more on stage. But not, this is an act out. It's not really walking on stage. He's doing a thing where he's not really walking on stage he's doing a thing where he's like and they're like dude and like that but does anyone really do that

i don't know ever have you ever um asked somebody if they're vaccinated and they were like nah bro and then walk back and forth like that i mean it's pretty specific what are you doing why are you is that a symptom of being this COVID make you do that? COVID ridden bitch. This is a guy who's got a nacho dip in a nacho cheese. Oh, my bad, Mr. Whole Foods. Oh, my bad, Mr. Oh, my bad, Mr. whole foods is good enough for a knee slap microphone knee slap this is this is something man i told brennan you have to watch the whole thing i want to watch the whole thing i'm intrigued now the knee slap is yeah whatever

it's like this is like being at an open mic legit. Like when a guy doesn't realize that they're not great yet, you know, at stand-up and they like are kind of just like, I'm intrigued by people like that. It's better than like bombing and just being all sad and angry. People that just totally don't get it, it can be funny because you're just like, whoa, this guy's totally insane. This one guy i saw an open mic he had his eyes closed and he was like yeah yeah just like uh something about like they

wouldn't make any sense he'd be like you know when you're at school and the bitch ugly and then he would slap his thing and go he's kind of like that guy rye rye that we watch on tiktok yeah and it was good because he was totally unselfaware i mean not good but better than the alternative of being sad yeah so yeah okay mr whole food i'm not anti-vaxxer man i'm vaccinated but it's uh it's all in their marketing they fuck this whole thing up in their marketing right operation warp speed when they launch that remember they're trying to get everybody get vaccinated and they're like yeah go to krispy cream buy a dozen donuts get vaccinated like the fuck that makes sense fat people are like hell yeah fuck this everybody that agrees or disagrees with something walks yeah they all walk certain you know like you

either walk if you don't like something you walk side to side and you go fuck no but if you do like it you're like hell yes and you walk forward who a fat guy walking that Krispy Kreme like that I'm sure a fat guy's walked into Krispy Kreme like that though fat people have more self-respect than Brendan Schaub is willing to give them, I think. And so do people that don't want the vaccine as well. Both of them are unfairly being characterized. I like pretending like I'm being serious. This is not true, what Schaub is saying.

Believe me. Believe you me. Are you getting vaccinated she's all I wasn't tonight we're going to see Brandon Schaub okay he's my favorite

we all love Brandon he's so great Trump I'm Trump and I love Schaub remember the first dumbass that messed it all up for

everybody scared the shit out no we don't from getting vaccinated remember that idiot he's all over the conversation the first more

no one knows what we're talking about I know what he's talking about he's talking about the guy in Florida. You remember that? No. There was a guy in Florida that had an adverse reaction to the vaccination when it first came out.

Is that a real thing? Yes. Yeah. We should watch that too. It's too late though. I've already had three of them. He's literally a math addict. They just... Nobody checks his background. Remember that? They put them on the news he's sweaty as shit he's on all the major

broadcasts he's like holy shit dude yeah i got it done i got that johnson johnson bro i don't feel good bro i can't stop sweating bro did he say he say this? The real guy? No. I'm going to lay low for a little bit on the vaccination. I'm just going to. Remember that moron? It's all in marketing, man. Like, you need to hire some just a dime. It's all in marketing. His own special.

He has to say something to remind him what's coming next. He did that joke and he forgot the rest of it. And this is like, what? A few minutes in? Like two minutes in? He's already forgotten the rest of the 25 minutes. And he's like, it's all about marketing. What's next?

What's next? Killing time. No silence in between. I have a theory. You can't wait. My theory is that I think I heard he had five shootings of the special like he shot it five times and you'll notice that like the next couple jokes all of them have to do with like like he's like love dallas dude i feel like he did the first joke like from each of those sets differently and then he put those in order in the special

it's all about marketing man it's all about marketing dude that's what i'm trying to get to here i think that it's hilarious to say that in your comedy special yeah that's what you like of what you you only have 25 minutes to to uh tell jokes and you've chosen to use the phrase it's all about marketing twice that's wild just blast them all over the news right just somebody who's fine get them on there and just put them all over the news all over the nation like i yeah dude i get the johnson johnson i feel pretty good i feel great actually if i'm being honest one side effect if i just want to be up front everybody goddamn dicks down to here I feel great, actually. If I'm being honest, one side effect, I just want to be up front with everybody. Goddamn dick's down to here. Just freaking...

You got the line of bros at CVS just like... Damn, dude. He's doing a joke about the vaccine making your dick big. Yeah. Yo, you know what would do... Like he's in a writer's room. Brandon Shaw's's writers are they smarter than him or worse than him they make him feel good does it sounds like he wrote this does he have writers i have no clue yeah shab you should do the joke where your dick grows because of the john johnson and john he doesn't do it you think

he would say john and Johnson dick something. Yeah. But no. You know which one makes it the biggest? Johnson and Johnson. Not Pfizer. It could be twice the size of your own Johnson. Dude.

The fucking vaccine, dude. The fucking vaccine. Too bad he's not a hype beast. It's good to be in Dallas, man. See what I'm saying? Right. It's good to be in Dallas. I know know this is stuff you say when you forget your shit there's so many there's gonna be so many like instances of him in a 25 minutes hey good to be here though right oh look at this guy how much do you think he charges for tickets? I don't know.

That's a good question. I mean, he probably make a lot. People will pay to see it. He has fans. Yeah. Right? He has like a very successful podcast. You want to go see the Shob special?

I'll try to look it up. Who says that to anybody? Yep. Even in Dallas. There's a reason I decided to shoot my special here, man. You guys just give me so much love. I absolutely love Texas, man. I, yeah.

Yeah, thank you, thank you. I haven't touched a mask since I touched down. It is fantastic. LA is not like this, y'all. LA is North Korea with a beach. But they give us wifi, so that's cool. They're talking about locking us back down. I can't go through it on a lockdown.

Straight up. The shop household barely made it through the last one. We eat our way out of that last one. We did not do well with it. Also, it's different. I got a five-year-old, three-year-old. You guys know what I'm talking about. I would rather do anything else than be locked down with those fucking demons 24-7.

We're not even locked down. My girl was fighting with me the other week. We're locked down. We're fucked. She was fighting with me. Fountain, Delta, Mass. What are we going to do? Oh my God. Those probably aren't the real arguments that she's having. He's probably like,

why are you cheating on me? The problem, so Shab is claiming that he doesn't want another lockdown because he's worried that his wife is going to argue with him about Fauci. That can't possibly be. If your wife is

arguing with you about Fauci, there's underlying causes. It could be the fact that you try and get blowjobs from other comedians and other people's girlfriends and wives. If I've heard about it, you know, I mean,

I just heard about it today, honestly. But I think someone else told me that too. Yeah. God, there's a whole subreddit. You tried fucking me one night, dude. I tried to fuck my host. Look, I'm, you know, there's, I don't have an exclusive rights then, but Maria does. His girlfriend, Shab.

Jeez. Dude, we're five minutes in. This is a bigger task than I had imagined. Yeah, I mean, I'm enjoying kind of shitting on it. I didn't really want to just shit on it, but it is good to like, it'll play into my special because people can judge both, like which one's better, which one had higher production value. How long is yours?

Minus three minutes. But there's no point in the special where I'm like, hey, LA, good to see you, man. You know what? I love LA. I just got back from Virginia dude dude Virginia dude is uh fucking

they're like this they're like Nazi Germany with a beach Nazi Germany with the capital because he said North Korea with the beach or whatever I just got back from Boston they're like power of the year thank god people wear masks here back home in Virginia people're like, get, get, get Pau Revere. Get, get, get Dr. Fauci. Thank God people wear masks

here. Back home in Virginia, people are like, I want COVID. It's different. It's different. Dude, I want to be locked down again with my no one. I was locked down with the bros, Dallas. Quarantine with the homies.

You know how much more fun we would have? Oh, my God, dude. All right. So he said, if I was locked down with the bros, we would have so much more fun. What do you think they do? Yeah, that's my question. Like, what does Shab do with his bros? That's like.

I mean, for the joke. What do you think in the joke? What does he do with his bros? Oh, let me guess. Drink a lot of beers. You know, never. Like, I don't know, go play. I have no idea. I can't even guess.

Well, think like Jokey. Like, if I was locked down with the bros, guess what we would do, Dallas? Jokey? We would, like, talk about our feelings, manicure, pedicure. I'm going for, like, a stupid Jokey thing. We like talk about our feelings, manicure, pedicure. I'm like, I'm going for like a stupid jokey thing. We jack each other off. I don't know. Yeah, exactly. Is he what he says? No, but he's

you'll see. Ready? It's hard to get in the mind of shop. We'd play video games all day. We'd work out. At night, we'd fuck each other. Fuck, that is what he did. Dude, the punchline, the rule of three. Video games, workout, and then we'd fuck each other.

And I said jack each other off. Yeah. I thought it might be even dumber with the pedicure manicure thing. Because I told you, this is a thing. Like, even the better comics are all saying that they have bits about being gay or whatever as a bit. But Schaub picked up on that and made it even dumber. Fuck no. So we're going to play video games, bro.

Schaub thinks the idea of him being gay is so outrageous that it's hysterical to say. But it's like, it's not. It could be. I don't know. Probably not because you it's like, it's not. It could be. I don't know. Probably not. Cause you try and fuck all everyone else's girlfriend. Yeah. But my big thing is like,

that's not a standup joke. No, that's like a joke you tell at the workplace. Like how was your COVID lockdown? Oh, I fucked all my friends. I don't know if you should tell that at the workplace, but it is like something that a teenager,

I guess a locker room joke or whatever. That's like, man where you'd be like, man, you're not funny. Yeah. Put, don't talk to me. I fucked all my friends when COVID was happening.

Yeah. And you're just like, what? He's still laughing. No, fuck. No, I'm not into that,

dude. I don't want to be locked down with you anymore. I just, what are you going to do, bro? You're bored. Yeah. One can dream, Dallas. One can dream.

I wonder how Dallas feels about this special, dude. Yeah, he's like, it's a negative for their city. They're like, stop saying Dallas this whole time. He said Dallas like 15 times. Dallas used to be a great city, but now look at it. Instead of like torn up streets and like homeless people, they're like, it's the child's special. They can make

how Republicans say like, look at LA. It's homeless people and they show the homeless encampments and we're like, look at Dallas. It's just this special. Beautiful streets, amazing restaurants, but then it's like Shah being like, different. Oh my God. I never thought I'd say this to a live

audience. One thing that I'm grateful for, for the governor of California, Governor Newsom, for locking us down for an entire year and ruining small businesses. Because I wouldn't have realized this unless I was locked down with my family for an entire year. I realized my girl's not cool.

She's just not... She's not a friendly human being. I bet. I bet. I married a goddamn rattlesnake. This is my girl. This is my girl, man. This is what I'm dealing with. Yo, listen. LA's different

than Texas. They just opened my son's school last week. He hasn't been to LA is different than Texas. They just opened up my son's school last week. He hasn't been to school in a fucking year. They just opened it last week. He's really nailing home points, though. LA is different than Texas. Backwards hat. Looks just like me.

I'm walking up for school. I'm like, dude, it's about to be lit as fuck. People walk. All his little friends are out front in their first day outfits. I'm like, oh, my God, you guys are cute as shit. I need to document this. Everybody is like something. There's a bunch of you squeezing tight.

Daddy's going to take a picture. Ready? Cheese on three. Ready? One, two, three. Cheese. They're all cheese. I take it on my phone.

I'm all, hell yeah. I snap a pic. I text it to my girl. She gets it. She looks at it. She goes, crop out the uglies. Resend. Oh.

See, like, we have, I have bad clips on the internet. I'm sure you've had some bad clips. Yeah. Couldn't do what we're doing to this,

to that, those clips. You couldn't stop it and be like, what the fuck? Like, even my worst shit. Yeah.

You just be like, ah, I can't believe I used to think that was funny. You're like, but none of it is like, dude, I was walking around and like, Oh,

crop out the ugly. I'm walking in Texas. This is so bad. It was atrocious. Crop out the uglies, dude. I'm sorry. That was funny.

This is like a real thing from his life. Just his wife's like, the bad ones, take them out. He said that in a special. And then he, that's probably his best joke so far. He fumbled his joke book. He's like,

oh, crap about the ugly dude. His wife should have been the fucking stand up in this. Oh, I said, you're in a group chat with other parents,

dumbass. This is stand up from that movie, Idiocracy. Yeah. Savage, y'all. Savage. Yes, of course.

You know Dallas lingo. Yeah. I married a Mexican, y'all. I married a Mexican. No cap. Keeping it 100 with you guys. Married a Mexican. I'm in Dallas.

You know I like Dallas because Dallas keeps it 100. Listen, I thought you guys would enjoy that. Listen, Dallas, I don't mean like Taco Bell Mexican. No, no. This is like a drunken robot.

We gave a drunken bro robot and said to make a special, you know how they make specials from robots or whatever and then it's this. Dude, Dallas, Dallas,

come on, bro. Different, different cap. Dude, Dallas. Dallas. Come on, bro. Different. Different. Different cap. Born and raised. Came to the States 10 years ago. Illegally Mexican. The real deal. Holy field. Y'all, this shit is...

I dated a lot of white girls, big titties and flat asses before her. It just never worked out for me. It just would never work out. And I don't forget this. One of my boys goes, Dude, goes dude dude papi what are you doing bro get with a latina bro you know why because they're fun and they're spicy no doubt definitely spicy girl spicy right girl spicy you know what spicy means they're assholes that's what that means you know what's great about other comedians is when they don't laugh at the joke and then they're just in the fucking you know the punchline right you mean open mic or like an open mic no when you

don't laugh at your own joke oh yeah if you would have said like they're fucking assholes and then just stared you down it's a lot funnier than to be like, they're assholes. Yeah, that might be good advice to give Shob. Right. If he could hear that. Yeah. That's something you should tell Shob. Yeah. I agree. Also, but I mean, you know, square one, don't record your special yet.

I mean, you can laugh and it's sometimes funny, but that is like, I just think Latinas are great because they're spicy. And then he doesn't have anything to say yeah except for that their assholes are spicy i want like what is that what are you talking about like he's is he talking about is he going to talk about eating ass no he's saying they're assholes like they're oh they're assholes oh jesus yeah that's why they're spicy no when people say they're spicy they mean that they're they mean that they're jerks they're spicy? No, when people say they're spicy, they mean that they're jerks. They mean that they're jerks.

They're assholes. Oh, man. So Latina women are bad. They're assholes? I mean, I'm not going to say that. I have a Latina girlfriend. She's amazing. Yeah, Maria seems pretty nice.

Yeah, she's not an asshole. I don't think so. She is spicy, but she's not an asshole. Yeah, spicy to me is not a negative thing. It could be sort of a compliment. It's like they're fun or interesting. They don't. They're not just like a passive, boring person.

Takis are spicy, but they're also delicious. You know what I mean? I see them, but I never eat them because I'm afraid it's going to hurt my stomach. Oh, do they hurt your stomach? Maybe. I mean, I don't eat them. Oh, OK. Some of the spicy Cheetos stuff.

I used to eat a hot fries a lot when I was a kid. Oh, it tears me up. Oh, yeah. No, I love hot fries. I can't do it anymore. The little guy hot fries. lot when i was a kid but it tears me up oh yeah no i love hot fries i can't do it anymore the little guy hot fries you know what i'm talking about yeah i skin him from the ice cream truck hell yeah this would all be better to talk about on the special when we first got together shoes cooking authentic mexican food seven nights a week i'm not used to this i was like what fajitas every wednesday it's so crazy because this stand-up like it reminds me a lot of luke schwartz's stand-up no luke schwartz is immensely better than this i mean there's nothing like luke but it was fun

i was like what name should i use i'll just use another ken gar my special my special would just be like instead of different and dallas is different like than lele it would be like you know flappers you know right flappers is different than the comedy star right and i just do a bit like ken gar was out there they're sucking dicks you know because he's gay that's not the heat is every wednesday real mexican dishes y'. Real shit from the motherland. I'm talking huevos rancheros. Carne asada. Pico de gallo. Un bote de agua.

Hey, don't compare. Un bote de agua is funny. This is not good. My favorite, chili. I don't compare un botte de agua is funny this is not good my favorite chili I don't do that every night though every night un botte de agua

I know I look Latin there's no way she's like honey what the fuck is happening I did think that he was Latino until today is he not a Puerto Rican shortstop for the Dodgers

what the fuck is happening dude I did that 23andme I did that shit you spin the cup you mail? Dude, I did that 23andMe. I did that shit. You spin the cup, you mail your DNA in. I did that. This ain't me driving mayonnaise back. I am white as shit, guys. White person handout, page seven, bitch.

I need a fucking tater tot once a week. Would a fucking Hot Pocket kill you every now and then? Every time dinner would come, I'm like, oh, does she really think beans go with every goddamn meal? Is she serious? Is she for real? Every time dinner would come, I'm like, does it ever occur to her? Maybe Brendan's not trying to shit his pants tonight. How about that?

Fuck. Oh, you hear that change, dude? Heavy editing, dude. It is? What what do you mean there's a change in audio there oh okay so they put in laughs or something no like heavy editing they fucking i don't think they put in any laughs you would put in more laughs than that if you put in laughs right yeah the the editor of my special is um kevin Tinkin edited my special with Lisa Chenu. Lisa Chenu helped out. What are some more?

What are, what are, oh, Mike, the gaffer of my special was Scott Lurz. Oh, I thought, oh no,

Matt Lockwood was the key grip. There's a key grip. Yeah. Yeah. I don't even know if some of these people I'm naming listen to the pod, but you know, who was not involved at all was Caitlin Jeffers. Yeah, yeah. I don't even know if some of these people I'm naming listen to the pod. But you know who was not involved at all was Caitlin Jeffers. She didn't help out at all.

Every time dinner would come, my asshole would go like this. Fuck, bro! We're dying down here, papi. It's so spicy, bro. Spicy food does not hurt my ass i'm tired of people making jokes about how oh it hurts like on the way out yeah i don't i never really understood i mean i have such terrible uh stomach issues that every food makes my asshole hurt so like burritos don't make my hurt more than like fries fries do you know turkey sandwich is gonna make my asshole hurt. So like burritos don't make my asshole hurt more than like fries do. You know?

Turkey sandwich is going to make my asshole hurt just as much as anything from Chipotle. I'm just a fucked up guy. I have so many problems. I can't relate. Shob's more normal than I am. My bodily problems are so deep, dude. I drink too much coffee

if you could do some coffee bits I maybe can relate to that I've never been thicker since I got with a Mexican man thick with three fucking C's dude everything they eat bean cheese, bean cheese, bean cheese I'm like what the hell man we're just going to carb load year round

we never tailor off the carbs that's the game plan I don't believe this. Is his wife cooking all the time? Sounds pretty great. Yeah. He gets like Mexican meals every day? Yeah, it's like,

let's make amazing food funny, you know? I'm fucking into it. Yeah. I wish I could have my mom's cooking every night, dude. I wish. My ex was like an amazing cook. Yeah.

Alright. I think I'm gay. Brennan claimed he's never going to have sex with his ex unprompted earlier. Let's not even. Let's cut that part out. Back to the special. Don't you dare.

I'm so sick in the pandemic I decided to go on a keto diet if you know what keto is keto is a diet where you can't eat Mexican food that's the diet that was okay that didn't make me laugh but that's not

bad look at Brendan's face that's how you are right now you're like it's not that bad you know what a keto diet is you just can't eat mexican food and i guess it's not funny but it's like the closest thing so far well that's a good setup and then you can go somewhere from that yeah yeah but he's not gonna you know there was a comedian who was doing a joke um about he he's a white guy he dates a latino chick you'd know i'm you might know i think you know him and he did a joke about how like every meal that their family eats with bread it was like so i

don't remember what the joke was but like they put the bread like they put everything in bread yeah and something about carbs or whatever and after that there was that comic um adam conover he went up and he was like that's racist you're a racist you fucking you racist like you can't do they say that stuff you like you're so racist or whatever so ridiculous was he serious? dead serious I mean I didn't see it so I don't even know

but this was told to me dead serious and then you're like oh I didn't see it I was like throwing people under the bus but I just that's so fucking he's they've been dating forever. They're still dating. He's not racist. He's just saying about the bread.

I don't even think Brendan Chobb's racist. I think it's just fucking not funny. No, he's just an idiot. Yeah, he's just a moron. He might be slightly racist. Well, yeah, he might be racist. He might own slaves. I have no idea.

I don't know what that, of course he doesn't own slaves. But Gerardo, do we keep him on the podcast? It's up in the air right now. It's really up in the air. He's probably not racist. I can't imagine he is. He's just a moron. Here's my problem though.

Here's my problem. Every Friday, my mother-in-law cooks my favorite Mexican food at my house. She has her own house, but does that mine. It makes no sense.

So before I started this, cooking her house and bringing it over makes more sense. That's my favorite. That's why I house, but does that mine. It makes no sense. So before I started this keto diet... Cooking her house and bringing it over makes more sense? That's my favorite. That's why I'm so fucking fat. Listen. Do me a favor, though. I don't want to be tempted. I don't want it in the house. Do me a favor. Tell your mom I'm on keto. Can you do that? She goes, why don't you tell her?

She speaks English. I went, but she doesn't, though. But she doesn't. That could have been funny if there was some setup for it. If he's like, but she doesn't, though. but she doesn't. That could have been funny if there was some setup for it. If he's like, but she doesn't though, but she doesn't. You need some setup for that. For that, because like the way he delivered that was fine. That was actually like,

that sounded like the end of a good joke. But there's no, we don't know if she speaks English. We're not idiotic racists like Shab. I just assume that any old Mexican woman can't speak English. Yeah. Okay, so he might be racist. I'm sorry. I don't even like, not in the like the, you know, there's like different, there's like ignorant.

He's like more ignorant. Yeah, there you go. And I honestly, I may get canceled for saying this, but this but like ignorant not great but it's not the same thing you know racist to me means like really bad it's like a really bad thing yeah ignorant is bad but it's not almost sometimes not your fault really yeah i don't even know if i'm making sense this is making me stupid watching this is making me dumber do me a solid tell her I'm on fucking keto okay 8 weeks goes by your boy has been he doesn't explain at all

it's enough for him to just be like but she doesn't though we don't know if she does still idiot I walked in the house last Friday sure enough there's a fucking fiesta my favorite food. And you were saying

he's not racist. He mentioned Theo Vaughn and everyone's like, oh, he said, what do you say about Theo? I don't even know. Oh, okay. It's not worth going back.

Man, they have a good family. He struggles with cocaine. Who struggles with cocaine? If there was cocaine on the table right now, he'd fucking snort it from right field you feel me god bless him i love that fucking dude that's i am with fucking pozole i see it dude i will fucking take it to the snout i can't be around it you put it in your nose nobody eats that way for sure yeah he snorts i know you I know you know I'm on keto. I know you know somebody told you I'm on keto.

She goes, mijo, mijo, bueno, andale, andale, mijo, mijo. Cabron, cabron, look, cabron, cabron. She calls him cabron? Cabron. She grabs his tray. She goes, cabron, cabron, look, taquitos. It's keto, bitch. Fuck. Oh, fuck, dude.

What? The joke is that she thought keto was taquitos. Yeah. Fuck, dude. I hope that's not true. It can't be true. No, I don't think it's true, but what do you think funny-wise? Do you think it's funny?

No. No? Check it out. Taquitos, but you said keto. I thought when he said taquitos, and it took me just like you, but let's be honest, it takes you a little longer to get things.

Sure. But it took me, let's say, three, four seconds, right? Yeah. Took you what, nine, eight, or nine? I got it immediately. Play back the tape, Gerard. I got it. But when I understood what he was saying, oh, that's funny, but it's not like, you know,

laugh evoking. I don't know. I understood what he's trying to do. Yeah, exactly. But it's not like, that's like a joke that you might tell like at the dinner table maybe. If you're like, you know.

I'm keto. Good thing mom made taquitos. She thought it was taquitos, but I said, it's like a joke like a rich white man would say. And then she thought it was like my own, but I said, it's like a joke like a rich white man would say. And then she thought it was like my un bote de agua character. He's like that. He's that guy.

But dumber. Wait a minute. You're telling me that a bottle of water is un bote de agua? Wow. Got to get this one out to the public, man. I'm going to tell my dinner party. I'm ready for jokes. I'm stocked up. I mean, un bote de agua. I'm going to tell my, I'm going to, dinner party, I'm ready for jokes. I'm stocked up.

I mean, un bote de agua. That's going to kill. Okay? Taquito, baquito. Mexicans, they got so much time to say all these words.

Figs me. Mexicans are nuts. Fiesta. I want to do a whole statement. I want other comics to do this special in their mannerism. I'll see you.

James Fritz, gringo, poppy, Alan, trick the Williams, gringo, poppy, Steve Hernandez,

gringo, poppy, Steve Hernandez, gringo, poppy. That'd be great. KJ Robinson. I'd pay to see that dude.

KJ. That'd be great. Yes. London Lee, gringo, poppy. That would be an. Yes. London League. Ringo Sala. Stay fit, y'all. It's my DNA. Oh, no.

That would be an insult to London. Oh, the other thing you should know about Dana Mex, nobody told me this. There's going to be flaming hot Cheetos all over your house. Not true, by the way. Yeah, well, I didn't need to hear you say that. It's like catnip for Mexicans. They love them.

Catnip? Yeah. Because we're animals. Yeah, it's like an animalnip for Mexicans they love them catnip yeah because we're animals it's like yeah it's like an animal's food for Mexicans I'm the only person

in my house who don't speak Spanish I feel like a refugee in my own goddamn house it's so stupid that it's not offensive to me though I'm a white guy

no I'm not offended by anything he's saying by the way right you aren't though no like actually you're not no not at all

you are offended as a comedian, in a way, though, right? Yes, but also, like you were saying, they have an awesome fan base. I can't hate on any of that. I don't really give a fuck that he makes specials and they're terrible. Yeah, this is just fun. We're having fun. I like that he did it, kind of,

because he gave us something to talk about. Yeah. And it's not my idea. Oathman Boucher, my best friend he was like hey check out shaw special joking because he's like a comedy fan subreddit guy and he sent me the special and i don't remember whose idea was but i think he said why oh yeah he's trying to motivate me he's like why don't you do a special and i was like i could like i could easily photoshop gringo cooney into that and he was like oh do that you know so i photoshopped sent it to him and he's like dude why don't you just like do like a three

minute cut up of your best jokes or whatever yeah so hard to figure out what's the best stuff you know that's the major problems on the editing you know just you which ones which great joke do i do and um so i was like yeah i'll do that and he's like oh you gotta do it or whatever um and he was like you have to do it today you have to do it and i was like how about tuesday and he's like all right tuesday and i might let him down but uh we'll see i'm gonna edit it i'll make sure that it comes out dude i'm trying i'll try who's the editor gonna forget the edit oh tinkin i'm gonna make sure tinkin fucking yeah we gotta as yeah he does it's co-edited by alex hannah my white friends on a day at latina before i go dude just like to learn spanish put a little It was, yeah. He does not listen. It was co-edited by Alex Hanna.

My white friends on a day at Latino before go, dude, just fucking learn Spanish. Put a little effort in. Learn Spanish. How hard can it be? Learn English, dude. I'm 38.

Yeah. I struggle with English at times. Yeah, you're not good at English, brother. You know what it feels like to my five-year-old son roll up on his bike and talk shit to me in Spanish?

You know what that feels like? As a father, you know what that feels like? What does father? You know what that feels like? What does it feel like? I don't have a clue what he's talking about. I don't have a clue. I thought puto meant dude for the longest time. I dropped him

off at school last week. No, you didn't. Later puto! All of his jokes have that in it. Yeah. I was like, and then a movement. Yeah. and it's kind of similar to dalia and that in that way yes you know he's copying that i'm kind of guilty of that too though but i try not to do that now i i haven't thought about it i have to look at my act a little bit to know if i i don't think i don't think i do much of that. You do that, but without saying, he was like, g-g-g-g-g. They were like, g-g-g-g-g.

That's a good one, g-g-g-g-g. Hopefully no one steals that. Who told us that? Oh, yeah, we told Luke to make that a thing at the store. Oh, right, right right right okay yeah inside jokes they're meant for the outside you know what i mean i love inside jokes this whole podcast is inside jokes you know what this special probably should have been all inside jokes yeah like not filmed in his house with his friends teachers like grab that mic stand baby one of the many things i love about the mexican culture

is uh and i do love your culture man he hasn't said a single thing you guys always have something to celebrate every week you have something to celebrate as a white person my dad's like only your birthday motherfucker i'm like all right once, once a year, be cool, dad, be cool. Not Mexicans, every week something's popping. Last week, some girl turned 15. Not even related to us. Threw the party at my house. Apparently the Mexican culture,

turning 15's a big deal. White people, we don't give a fuck. These Mexicans gave all the fuck, yeah. I walk in the house, these Mexicans give a fuck about social distancing. There was a mask in sight. I walk in the house, there's a mariachi band. They're beating the shit out of this piñata. There's flaming hot Cheetos spraying over the goddamn living room.

I walk in, I look at my girl Jesus Christ quite the party what are we celebrating? what's she into Harvard early? what's going on here? she goes nope just turned 15

I went fuck yeah that makes sense I did a review of Nate where I just like stare at it and I'm just like I shake my head and I'm like this is fucking I'd say all this like I think I said that Nate this comedy special Nate was like if um what's that guy that the comedian Andy who does a like he died and Jim Carrey did the movie

about Warhol no um what's his name fuck I can't remember his name but i was like it's if his andy kaufman andy kaufman like was being held hostage or like held you i forget what i said it was terrible and this is just like it there's really it's very similar yeah you know it's somebody like not really trying that hard but they have like um heat kind of or like people backing them. Yeah. You know, like Joe Rogan sponsors him. This Nate person was being sponsored by Amy Poehler. And they're like, isn't it like great? Even though no one respects this and they say it's like really dumb.

The other Nate is just as stupid. Who's his Nate? I don't even remember their name. It's like the clown shit. The clown stuff or whatever. It's awful, but this is not... This is exactly the same. The other thing I love about the Mexican culture

is you guys stick together. You guys are so loyal to each other. You fucking have each other's back and I love that. White people, we're not like that, are we? As soon as you turn 16 we'll fucking see you Peter and Debbie and fucking Another walkout. Yeah.

White children are leaving their homes at 16. See you Peter and Debbie they say as they drive off to where? No, that's not true. What? When did you move out of your mom's house?

I didn't move out until I was like 22 or something, 23. Yeah. And I was not like, see ya, Ed and Lynn, and drive off in their car because that's what I had. They gave me their car. Dude, this is terrible. Yeah. Ugh.

I just farted. Hey. i've had gas building up this whole time hey man you can fart and we're friends thank you i don't mind if you fart hopefully you know oathman's farts smell really bad really he's the only person where i'm like can you not fart dude i saw dave chappelle and uh john stewart at the uh comedy store last night and i was doing DoorDash before. I had an order to pick up at some Indian restaurant, right? And I walked in. You know how the Indian restaurant smells, right?

It just smells. Like Indian food? Like Indian food, but you know that smell, right? Like that curry smell. I think so. It doesn't smell bad. It's just a smell. Like it's very strong, right? I farted, right? Because I was waiting for the order and it was the worst smelling fart of the last week for sure for me right i promise you wasn't

as bad as othman but continue okay i bet i bet like that guy just the pictures smell too you know um i'm just kidding i didn't say that shout out othman um what's it called so i farted it smelled terribly and then right after that i was like fuck it's a bad one you know what i mean and then the guy came and gave me the food and then i dipped out and i didn't turn around because i was like i know he's gonna that was fucking bad dude you know right so i go to see dave chapelle and john stewart and i'm in the crowd at the comedy store and i have a fart brewing up right and i was like can't let it out right now dude because you know it's a big moment right in netflix is a joke history john sir is like what is that so i held it in dude and then i went outside and frank was trying to tell me something and it just came out like unprompted

dude and then did everyone hear it yeah everyone heard it so what happened i don't know as i was telling the story i'm like how do I make this worth telling? I don't even know. I thought you were going to say that, like, you turned around at the Indian place and it was Jon Stewart handing you your food because he worked at the Indian spot. There we go. That's exactly what happened. Dejpo was there and he was like, that's my food.

Oh, what's that? Oh, my God, baby. What's that smell, motherfucker? Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. What's that? Oh, my God. All right, let's continue this fucking. I'm a turf.

I told you I'm one of the shit, man. That fart. I hate it. Yeah, Mexicans stick together. Like, you're never walking on Barnes. You want Mexicans hammered by themselves. No way. You're there with their amigos. Yeah, I know. I definitely have seen that. I've also seen every other race that. The other night, my family, I mean,

all 15 of them. My family is big. We walked outside and they all gather in my car. Isn't it insane? It makes no fucking sense. My other family has 15 people in it.

Mama, we just talked about this inside the house. This is like funny if you're the dumbest racist ever. Or like a Mexican person that's like,

I love it when you say we're 15. It's like, yeah. I have a big family too. That's hilarious that we both have families with many people in it.

Trash. This is trash. I cannot believe that Paige Weldon wrote some of this. No, you don't fit. She goes, bueno, we fit that page weldon wrote some of this no you don't fit she goes bueno we fit i went please don't do this i promise you you do not fucking fit sure enough we fit y'all we fucking fit man yeah

louise lemus and daniel cabral helped write this special. I'm so fucked up. Vince Caldera's favorite comic is Daniel Cabral. And he was the co-head producer of this special. Let's stop watching this. No. No? We're in it. We're in it.

Oh, it's already an hour. Yeah, we're at 51 minutes. Damn. Okay. It's just bad. I thought this would be good to do. But a lot of the fucking episode is just Brennan Schaub's special. Yeah, that is, yes.

It's probably not good for the pod. I am mad. You know my favorite episode of the pod is when they just watched Brennan Schaub's special. No one's going to say that. Although, people might not want to watch a third Coco Briscoe episode. There was a bit of a dip after the first.

Really? I think so. Although this month, again, most downloads ever. So we're growing. We are growing. It's very slowly,

but we are growing. Yeah. It's slow, but at least it's more. Yeah. All I want is more than the last month. Cause at some point that's going to be a lot. Yeah.

Um, this is, this is the sad part of the episode. I guess we're not we're tapping out then well i'm tapping out i told you not to tap out and i'm tapping out dude that's fine it is that's how bad it is yeah uh so what do you review it let's say you know what dude i want to start a review channel dude i don't know if you're down where we just there's no fucking stars dude it's just like we watch a movie and you review it the review is good or bad dude there's no amazing there's no terrible good bad dude well and that if they're my criteria then bad that was fucking atrocious that is wild like but then again like so many people are like this you give if you gave

this opportunity to many comedians i've seen at the open mics they would be just like this terrible yeah i mean the thing about it too is that watching the special it made me really look at my own comedy and be like damn dude i don't need anything yet i don't need jack shit for a couple more years dude you know what i'm saying i need stuff right now but um yeah i mean it takes a while to be very good and you know this inspires me somewhat because i'm just like if that's worthy of a special then i'm certainly worthy i have a 30 minute tape at chatterbox yeah you just put that out yeah that should that should just be gringo cooney but you only have one angle of it though yeah it's true i need more like i need to be in like five

dallas's dude we should just make it different the gringo cooney dude and then put it out yeah maybe but we i told people the three minute clip i'll just do that and then i'll be like gringo cooney to the real gringo oh dude. You didn't tell me that. I don't know. Maybe. We should shoot it. You're from the visionary producer of the ECMO pod show that's going to be May 23rd. Yes.

Comes Gringo Cooney 2. The real Gringo Cooney. Yeah. Maybe I can scoop some of your listeners and they will come to the show. I don't know. I definitely need more new material i mean i put out my chatterbox tape the 11 i was like 11 minutes or so and that's about what i have for the new shit i have i have a little bit more than that but not much more and i i learn that every time i do a show

i'm like doing those bits and i'm like uh all right all right and try all right i got that new bit so that'll be this long and then i get to a point where i'm like damn okay okay so so how are we doing tonight dallas this guy how would you feel if we do the raccoon tweeties live dude we're nice we saw the podcast we just do stand-up that's a good idea too yeah and then we film it that's the gringo cooney dude oh the gringo yeah not a bad idea i like it well we'll see how the clip does if nobody likes the three minute clip that i edit then not maybe you're gonna delete it can't really live off that but if people like it then maybe we can do a show dude like retweet share fucking yeah i'm gonna put up some hopefully some good bits there so comment dude let's do it let's do a full-on fucking

brochure right now dude for your fucking special dude yeah also um okay i mean i'm gonna do scottler the chicken with scott but what is what can you see me at? This week, again, hosting Apocalypto on Thursday for Cinco de Mayo. So check it out. Great lineup. And then I won't announce the other shows, but this Thursday, Apocalypto. Do you have anything? May 23rd. May 23rd.

We'll do that every time until it comes. issimo live.issimo live. I will be there. do you have anything may 23rd may 23rd we'll do that every time until it comes more live easy more live i will be there i'm willing to buy at least one other ticket if somebody wants to roll with me i'll go i don't care yeah shut up uh checking in with scott checking in with scott boom boom boom boom scott this fucking idiot he what he sent out an email about suits for his wedding like what suits you have to buy. Yeah. And like everyone in the thing is like way bigger than me. So I look at the linen, like the pant size,

and it's all like, they can't even order it. They're like, you can try to order this, but it won't come. That's what the guy at men's wears out. He's like, you know what? It's just not going to come, dude. You might as well not. So I was like, what are you? He's like, oh.

And I said, I guess I can get 38 and get them altered. He's like, yeah, that's what you have to do dude scott has not been tweeting oh he's still not tweeting yeah oh you got it up there uh bartender just told me that was last week's do you fucking idiot scott see you're fucking up on all jesus christ what about this one just sent an email to my staff reminding them not to smoke weed in the bar. Or as myself, even three years ago, would have put it, I just committed a very chill war crime. Happy 420. That's funny.

I like that. Retweeting. Good. I'll retweet it too. I mean, he did do a good job three weeks ago when he tweeted these things. Yeah. Fucking moron. Yeah.

Way to lose momentum, Scott. I call him an idiot more than so many times. I'm meaner to Scott than... There's a Heather Marooly one I wanted you to put. Oh. Here we go. Is Heather okay? Is Heather okay?

Is Heather Marooly okay? Is she doing well? Is she losing it? Yes. No, she's not doing well? Is she losing it? Yes. No, she's not doing well. Should I do an open mic tonight or just cry? Oh, come on, Heather. You're great.

Do an open mic if you want. You're not going to cry. Have you ever decided not to do an open mic and cried by accident or just coincidentally? No, the two things have nothing to do with open mic and cried by accident or like just like coincidentally no the two things have nothing to do with the other one really no i mean some there have been times where i'm like i remember back in the day where i'd be like i didn't do an open mic tonight i don't deserve anything you know like i'm i could have i could have been like made this huge stride in my talent if i'd done fourth wall tonight but not not fourth wall, whatever the old mic is that I would have done.

Normal people don't do open mics. I'm different. I'm different. What's up, Dallas? You know why I like open mics instead of staying at home?

Because staying at home, they're all like, there's food here and open mics, there's not food. I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm different. I'm different.

I'm different. T. Chang's. You know, you catch catch Brandon Schaub on Netflix as a joke at the Elysian Theater tonight

with the fucking Insane Clown Posse or whatever the clown school is called. That'd be funny if they were called the Insane Clown Posse.

Yeah. We can't have your show on our thing because I know that you're a Latino comic that lives in the neighborhood but we'd rather have someone from chicago who jacks off on stage we'd rather have oh what's that you're uh plugged in with maria bamford who's the most uh important and um famous

all comic uh maybe of all time and uh talented and you have a track record of successful shows and you've built a standard community. No, we don't want that. We'd like a 5'2 Chicago guy who shows his asshole on stage. That's what we want. Who are you talking to? I don't know. I don't know anymore.

Gerardo. I'm just making shit up. I would be really stressed too if I had a big special coming out tomorrow. I'm just making shit up. You know, I would be really stressed too if I had a big special coming out tomorrow. I know. I'm just flipping out because I got a lot on my plate. Everything is on the line now. It's a three minute special.

Gringo Cooney. It could go either way. Some people might think that I stole it from shop. Some people think that shop stole it from me. Some people just want to watch a comedy show where the host pretends that they're louis ck and they're jacking off and there's no jokes but they'll say they'll do that and um you know the women who've had who've been assaulted in their life will tell them you know i don't really like pretend rape it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable

so maybe you shouldn't do that or at least tell people that you're going to do that before the show. But that's real comedy now. Real comedy is dildos and jacking off. If there's not nudity or simulated assault, count me out. And the more jokes there are, no thanks. Do other people's jokes. Yeah. Jack off and do other people's jokes because that's what everyone wants. Yeah. That's what I want. I want to watch that. That's the best form of comedy now.

Yeah. You know, sometimes I don't like people like Shob. Sometimes I'm not into the bro comedy. It's kind of dumb and gay this and spicy assholes that. But what I always love is people who uh get naked and uh pretend to like jack off i mean that's my shit like i got that i wish i was here right now. I want to. You know, like, you know, like, I like, if I see, like,

someone jacking off and, like, doing Jim Gaffigan's jokes, I'm like, okay, sign me up for that. Okay? What's up, Dallas? I want that. Hit me up.

Tell me about every Elysian show. Okay? Call me spicy, but that's what I want. What I want is someone whose dad paid for NYU to get naked and jack off. Ga, ga, ga, ga, ga, ga, ga. Ga, ga, ga, ga, ga. I'm looking at myself in the camera.

You're looking at yourself in the episode. I'm sorry, man. I'm a narcissist, okay? Look, I'll be honest about my faults, too. I am a narcissist. If I see myself on camera, I'm going narcissist, okay? Look, I'll be honest about my faults, too. I am a narcissist. If I see myself on camera, I'm going to look. All right? I'm tired of this shit.

Stop fucking getting naked on comedy shows. No more fucking pretending to kill yourself with a gun. No more of none of it. I've seen it all. I don't want to see it anymore. I don't want to hear about it. I don't even go to want to see it anymore. I don't want to hear about it. I don't even go to these shows. I know.

I don't want to hear about it. I'll block you on Twitter. I'll block everybody. I've told you about Mario at the Back to the Grind. I'm so crazy. I'm so crazy, dude. I've told you about Mario at Back to the Grind. Mario?

Yeah. What the fuck are you? No, I'm sorry. Go ahead. So've told you about Mario at Back to the Grind. Mario? Yeah. What the fuck are you? No, I'm sorry. Go ahead. So he had this rule thing, right? He got, he was, he's since then been fired from doing the open mic there at the Back to the Grind. Famous fucking coffee shop.

Mario Rodriguez? No, not Mario Rodriguez. It's some random guy named Mario. Oh. So he had a preamble at the top of the show where he said, no getting naked, no raw meat, and no homophobic slurs. Right? Sounds pretty good. Yes.

One night, he got naked. I don't know if raw meat was included, but he said, look at me. I'm an effort for gay people kind of thing. And when I say this, I'm not talking about kenny lyon because i love kenny i didn't ever support him did you hear what i said or are you just thinking about kenny lyon sometimes you go off on these tangents and i have to reel a show in by talking about kenny lyon you i'm saying you're going up in a tangent no martin that's funny that he did that he like broke all his own rules yeah that's one of the first rules of comedy, you know, break all the rules.

And sometimes that can be funny. Maybe don't use the F word or whatever. Yeah. I prefer not at this point. He was also gay. So, you know. Oh, then that doesn't matter. Yeah.

You can use it if you're gay. Those damn the rules, bro. I don't know, man. You know, I think I said my piece. People may think I've gone insane. You may have had to watch the whole episode. You spoke to everyone's heart right now. I don't know, man. You know, I think I said my piece. People may think I've gone insane. You may have had to watch the whole episode. You spoke to everyone's heart right now. I don't know.

I don't know if I did or not. I hope people agree with me. I might be in the minority. You know, this might be what Gen Z comedy is now. No jokes, just, you know, making some, doing some character and like that may be a social commentary but probably isn't and you're like a clown or something and you went to clown school and you paid some fucking weirdo to like teach you how to find out whether you're a sad or happy clown

you're doing it again you're just going what kind of clown am i how about you're a dumb clown do you ever think that you're just a stupid clown what kind of clown am i how about you're a dumb clown do you ever think that you're just a stupid clown what kind of clown am i maybe you're a fucking sociopath clown that's ruining my life i hate it so much it bothers me to my core yeah what bothers me about it is like it's the old cliche thing you know p Picasso? Picasso could draw very well, right? He's a great artist. He can draw this iPhone perfectly. Probably wouldn't draw an iPhone,

but he could if he wanted to. But he decided to do abstract art because it spoke to him. And he was good at that, great at that too. These comedians that go out on stage and pretend to commit suicide naked don't know how to write jokes or tell jokes. And that's why they do that.

They're not good at the joke part. They didn't start doing that. Instead, they fucking go on the stage and get naked and piss me off. Don't like it. Stop it. I'm starting to sound like Shaw. It's different. Stop it. I'm starting to sound like Shahab. It's different.

I don't like different. If there's any comedian in the LA area that pisses you off the most, who is it? I mean, the people that piss me off the most are people I legitimately hate. So I don't want to... I was trying to key you up to say Ken Gar,

you fucking idiot. Oh, fuck, you're right. You're right. God damn it. I can't even do... I can't even be in character in my own show. That's that's problem i should probably take a clown can i tell you can i okay i need to do an amendment here all right all right you already know this you know you got at me you laughed fucking really hard right you're fat fuck

no i take back everything i said about ian rus, dude. Oh, okay. Yes. Why is that? Because I told him that I think he has a very unique voice, that the people may not be laughing. You didn't fucking, you didn't tell, you didn't say what you said about Ian on the podcast. You texted all that negative shit. That's also if you texted to me. No, I know.

But I'm saying I did say something positive on the podcast. Okay. you shot it down as fast as possible which i appreciate now okay right right right i haven't told the people what happened with ian russo yet okay go ahead so i came up to him in person literally after we recorded i went to an open mic and guess who's there the rooster right i went to him and i was like hey i just said some really nice things about you on raccoon titties but brendan wasn't hearing any of it you know i was like brendan did not like what i had to say at all right and then uh he goes why what's up with brendan and a guy right and like why you think about him that way and stuff which you can speak for yourself but let me finish the story first okay um and and then i was like no think, listen, you're not fucking funny, right? You said that.

Yeah. I was telling him, like, nobody laughs, but you have a very unique voice, and I think you're developing into something that could be hilarious, right? Okay. That's what I told him. Right. And then guess what he told me? What did he say? He said, I have 40 minutes.

Yeah. I mean, that's all. Yeah, he just said, I have 40 minutes. And then he walked away, and then somebody that was next to me cj you know cj the white guy with glasses nah cj price he i was like i don't think he understood what i just told him right now you know right because he walked away really fast right after he said i got 40 minutes he just dipped out yeah came back with a quesadilla and i was like dog you do not have 40 minutes right you don't have 40 he's like yeah you're right it's probably like a strong 20 i'm like dude you don't strong yeah

i was like you don't have 20 minutes either right um i'm looking up cj price while you're saying this because i don't feel bad if i actually do know i don't know if you do he's been to the mia's a couple times oh yeah this guy's funny yes he's hilarious yeah and so when ian left me and cj were cj's like i was like i don't think he got what i'm saying like i wasn't telling him he's funny i just think he's got a very unique you know ism about him like voice like that thing is working right anyways long story short i'm making it a long story than you know than it should be because this is about eden Russo. But he continues to tell us that he has

40 minutes. CJ did a funny joke where he was like, hey, come to my open mic with a mic and a PA system across the street and do your 40 minutes. You know? Right. Trying to tell him, you don't have 40 minutes. No one should ever tell. I mean, I wouldn't be like I don't want him to do 40 minutes.

CJ also regretted saying that because apparently Ian has a better PA system than CJ does. Dude, it's so funny to tell somebody that you're bad. Like you're saying you're bad at comedy and then their response is, I have 40 minutes. Yeah. That's hilarious. That's actually pretty funny. Also, he didn't say like, oh, thanks, dude. I appreciate that he just

immediately went to i have 40 minutes yeah well you're not gonna say thanks dude i appreciate that if you say you're bad enough no i said the people are not laughing but that's also like you're probably not gonna get a good the people are not laughing it's just true it is true but ian's not gonna understand that and you don't like yeah it's like you probably can't you have to phrase it a different way yeah because it just um you know saying no one's laughing so i go on stage it's a 10 minute mic where you get 10 minutes right i go on stage i do 10 minutes and i'm working out new jokes that two of them did not work at all right but and then i had a sandwich between other jokes that work so i'm getting laughs

whatever right i don't give a fuck about this set you know did you pretend to like rape somebody or jack off no well there you go i mean that's the new that's the new comedy yeah so i walk off stage and fucking keep in mind i have not told ian russo how much time i have i don't give a i don't have i have eight minutes strong right right so i walk by ian russo he grabs my arm and he goes tell you what you, you don't have 40 minutes. And then I called him a couple of bad words and I left. Good. So I had to get that off his chest. I take back everything I said about Ian Russo. That nice stuff.

You mean? Yes. I take back. Okay. So you're just, yeah. The stuff you said over the text made me laugh. It was very funny.

Yeah. It was like, you were like, I take back everything I said. He's never, and like, it was a flurry of like, he's trash or something. I can't remember what it was. He yeah it was like you were like i take back everything i said he's never what and like it's a flurry of like he's trash or something i can't remember what he pulled me aside and he said you don't have 40 minutes like i didn't you know do you not understand how like kind of funny that is but also like i just knowing it's fun i don't i mean i don't take

anything ian russo says seriously he's a crazy guy well yeah i mean but i'm talking right now it's not you're just talking that's so funny i'm like trying to and i'm like trying to indict an entire form of comedy and you're talking about ian russo you're trying to stop me from like ruining my life and you're just attacking someone that there can never be any blowback no one's ever gonna be like i can't believe you said that about ian man it's like a a great friend of mine. Yeah. Yeah, Ian's safe. That's one of the safest people you can criticize, probably. And then he messaged me probably, oh, the next day. The next day he messaged me and he said,

hey, man, sorry, I feel like we ended on a bad terms last night. He's a nice guy. But he said, we'll both be doing 40 minutes one day. Leave me alone. Neither of you will be doing it. What? No, you probably have almost 40 minutes now you're a great comic

no I don't have 40 minutes well I think you're funny I can't imagine watching for 40 minutes unless it was on some sort of court TV thing or something then I might watch if he was getting like cross examen he's like

you said you were at here but really the phone cover the watch, and you said you were at here, but really, the phone cover, the watchtower said that you were at this thing. I wasn't there. And then he starts doing a bit. The judge is like, we've told you before,

you're not funny, Ian. Objection. He's like, you can't say objection in the court, Ian. The bailiff hits him with a nightstick. I can just teeth fly all over across the courtroom. Ah! I can see it happening.

Alright, well, we've done a lot of time. I'm done to get burritos. Yeah, you're fine. I'm sorry that I got so worked up. I feel like I might meet some of these people and actually like them someday and I'll take it back. There's been plenty of people I don't like that I meet and i'm good that's so funny if i if i delete your apology to them right now i mean do whatever you the gerardo edited me to make it seem like god my favorite

thing isn't like a 23 year old bicycle snl writer jacking off on my face and that's my favorite shit so you know that's what the family wants okay we want that we want birds aren't real conspiracy that's hilarious too great birds aren't real feels so funny we want stuff boomers think is good okay fuck you god god god god god damn it you've driven me insane yeah i've literally lost my mind i have a real job and this is what i think about all right sorry tune in next week bye enjoy the special ken gar fucking sucks i fucking hate him no dude ken he tried to like play poker really late at night the other night he texted he's like um do you want to come play poker and i was like you have a gambling problem you fuck that's not real