100% Eat - Church's Texas-Cut Bacon Chicken Sandwich

Episode Date: November 9, 2021

In this episode, Michael Jones and Jordan Cwierz eat and review Church's Texas-Cut Bacon Chicken Sandwich so you know if it's worth eating. They also talk about Jessica Simpson's teeth so much and for so long, who is dressed like a cartoon character, and if they got bacon or the right thing or whatever. Help Church’s Chicken Put Bacon, TX on the Map: https://www.change.org/p/state-of-texas-help-church-s-chicken-put-bacon-tx-on-the-map Sponsored by Hello Fresh (http://hellofresh.com/facejam14 + code facejam14) and DoorDash (download DoorDash app + FACEJAM2021). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is a Rooster Teeth production. different way. Who's that? Oh, the guy from the road trip who did good. Yeah. I just feel like there's usually more fucking about and he's like, can't get the intro working. I think he's a little frustrated today. It was just like, okay, let's start and we started and it kind of caught me off guard. He's pissed about the food. Oh, he is pissed about the food. Welcome to Face Jam, the show where Nick gets pissed about the food.

We also try every new fast food creation, asterisk, not everyone but as much as we can, to let you know if you need it. You probably do. Thanks to DoorDash and HelloFresh for making this show possible. Just food on food on food. Oh, yeah. I'm your host, Michael Jones, alongside my co-host, Jordan Sweers.

Jordan, how are you? I'm great. It's a very rainy day. Rainy, cloudy, thundery, lightning-y day. Yeah. I took a shower this morning. Almost died. Were you showering outside?

I don't know. What if my house got struck by lightning and it shot through the pipes? Oh, then we all almost died. Yeah. Oh. I hadn't considered that. I didn't shower this morning, so. I usually don't.

Jordan lived. I was feeling bold. Dirty. Well, I like that. It's like Jessica Simpson when she said she liked the grime on her teeth. What the fuck? Yeah. That's like way back in like newlyweds days where she like, you know, like the film, if

you don't brush your teeth. Yeah. She was like, she was like, I like scraping it off. Yeah. Oh, that made my butthole so tight. Yeah. Like I feel. Oh, that made my butthole.

I don't know why anyone's butthole is doing it. I'm talking about. Oh, she like scrapes it off? Something to that effect, right? Again, I'm basing this on MTV newlyweds, what is that, 15, 20 years ago? What did Nick Lachey have to say about this? I don't think he liked it. Are we eating chicken or tuna today?

That's a reference. That's fun. Yeah. Chicken of the sea. Today, we are reviewing chicken of the land. Church's Texas cut bacon chicken sandwich. Past experience with the restaurant.

Oh, we also had the spicy chicken sandwich. Allegedly. No, chicken sandwich. Allegedly. No, we did. Allegedly. We ordered the Texas cut bacon chicken sandwich. But we ordered two versions. Which also, yeah, that's not even.

Which was the honey. Hold on. Pump the fucking brakes. We're two and a half minutes in here. We're talking about the food already. Well, I'm just mentioning what. We're not talking about it. I'm just saying what it is.

And then we can go back to not talking about it. We were dangerously close to talking about what happened at this restaurant. No, no, I understand. I just want to say we got two chicken sandwiches and neither one were just this. So it's a little confusing. Right, but again, that's what we ordered. I never said the words Texas

cut bacon. He didn't order that. I said give me the sandwiches. No, he didn't. He got the something fucking Q sandwich. Yeah, the honey Q is He didn't order that. I said, give me the sandwiches. No, he didn't. He got the something fucking Q sandwich. Yeah, the honey Q is part of the Texas cut. The honey Q and non-sandwich. Okay, so this is like the special though, not the sandwich. No, there's three versions of the sandwich. I mean, I don't understand what you don't get.

I'm just saying we didn't order the one you wrote down. No, that's what we ordered. There are three versions of that sandwich. That is what was written. Where is the subcategory of the version we ordered on this piece of paper? It's under the Texas. Why is it at the bottom? It should be at the top of the show.

People need to know what we ate. No, but no. They know what we ate later. No. Because what we ordered was those sandwiches. That's what's the start of the show. This is what we ate. And you're being too vague.

No. Yes. Definitely. Yes. No. You son of a bitch. Nick is in the corner holding up a Looney Tunes dialogue sign saying there was no bacon. I'm telling you what we ordered.

We ordered the smoky honey Q sandwich. That is correct. That's what should be at the top of the goddamn piece of paper. There's nothing Texas bacon cut about this. Which is in the Texas cut bacon chicken sandwich. So then under it, you write. There are three versions of that sandwich. We ordered two versions of that sandwich.

And we got these two and you tell people what they are. We didn't decide which two we were getting. We were only going to get one until you decided we should get two. You knew we were going to get spicy. Don't shake your head. We've said every single episode ever. We always get spicy. I simply wrote the sandwich and the sandwich what it was.

I slapped that cup right out of your hands. That is the sandwich that we ordered. You didn't say those words. He's putting words in your mouth. It's true. You didn't say those words. He's putting words in your mouth. It's true. I did not say those words. And I'm looking ahead since we're definitely talking about the food at this point. I'm looking ahead to the description.

I'm not entirely sure I ordered the right thing now. Oh. Well, I'll tell you, if you didn't, he let it happen. He produced. He wouldn't order. We told Eric to order, and he refused. It says Texas cut applewood smoked bacon. Yeah.

That was not on any of the food we ate. We don't know if it was or not. Hang on. The church's Texas cut bacon chicken sandwich. Two versions are what we ordered. You're going to die. It's a rainy day in Texas. Someone dies tonight.

Someone dies tonight so past experiences with churches I don't know if I've ever been not a whole lot zero maybe used to drive by one a lot that's about it church or church's chicken oh maybe it was a church right I've been to church yeah oh man I'm always forced to go to church's chicken on christmas eve oh no i hate it like a midnight mask yeah and you're eating chicken it takes two hours to get the chicken it's a two-piece and you just go oh i want to go home yeah i want to open presents uh i don't think i've ever in my life been to Church's Chicken. I didn't even know there was one here. It's like down a street we drive by all the time.

I've never noticed the Church's Chicken. I mean, I think Nick said that he used to eat there during band. He said they fed it to him. Like a dog. They cut it up and they put it in our bowls. I put down my trumpet and I started eating. I wore a bucket around my neck. Did you ever try to cut it up real small and then eat it through the trumpet?

Yeah. By like inhaling it? What instrument did you play? Drummond. Oh, I was close. I was really in the neighborhood. No wonder he didn't try. That's much more like tubing to go through.

I could have sucked the whole sandwich down. I get caught in the spit valve, though. Oh, yeah. You don't want to get that backed up. I heard that Jessica Simpson likes taking the saliva from the spit valve. Well, it helps get that film faster. It builds up. You want to get the build up.

This episode is just going after Jessica Simpson. I'm not going after anyone. I'm just saying what she said. She went after herself. Right? She proclaimed it on television. Truly. That was, what a weird time where she didn't have to do that.

And it did make her popular for a year. At her most famous. Yeah. It made her more popular for a year. And there was like an SNL sketch, I guess. But like, in the long run run it's just like oh she is dumb she helped she helped her sister Ashley a little bit

and then Ashley couldn't help herself so now we're in the situation that we're in she's still married to Pete Wentz or no I don't think so oh he died in 2010 oh no oh no another one gone too soon damn Bonaduce

can you Another one gone too soon. Steroids claim another victim. Damn. Bonaduce. Can you believe that her Nick Lachey broke up? Yes. Yes. Yeah, very much so. Yeah. Oh, I was shocked. Yeah. I love the episodes.

This was a great marriage. They seem so happy. They did that. They did that punk sketch with Dax Shepard. They seem so happy. They did that punk sketch with Dax Shepard. And then Nick Lachey did it again in a music video referencing that punked episode. He made a music video with Dax as that character.

Cool. That's awesome. Yeah, I'm glad you remember it and are talking about it. I'm sorry, do you want to talk about the food? I mean, somebody's got to remember it. There's got to be one person. Someone right now, they're like, it's flooding back to me. I've watched every episode of the newlyweds and also the Osbournes. The CSI for some reason.

Jessica Simpson did a whole music video that was just based around her from that show. It was her just like being dumb, like in the whole music video. Oh, so she was being herself. Oh. Damn. He's Duncan. Way to go. Got her.

He's Duncan. Way to go, got her. He's Duncan. Way to go, slam Duncan. She's rich and you're not. Hey, at least my teeth are clean. Look, hers are very white. Yeah. She just likes the film. You know what I mean?

Do they do film on veneers? Do they? I don't know. She got veneers in there and she's like, well, this won't ruin the film, will it? No, my delicious teeth! Yeah. And she's like, all right, won't ruin the film, will it? And then they were like, No, my delicious teeth! Yeah, and she's like, alright, I guess I gotta do it myself. So she just applies it every now and then. That's fucked.

She gets it from other people. Jessica Simpson's dentist, shocked by her lack of brushing habits. May 5th, 2010. Jessica Simpson's dentist. The year that Pete Wentz died! Jessica Simpson's dentist, shocked by her lack of brushing habits. I assumed everybody brushed their teeth all the time says Dr. Bill. What the fuck are you talking

about? The dentist thinks that everybody brushes their teeth all the time? Second headline. Jessica Simpson's dental hygiene is questionable at best. Yeah, get her! Get her! Oh, is this one by Perez Hilton? Whoa! hang on

Jessica Simpson doesn't brush her teeth every day for this weird reason August 2021 Whoa Did you write this? Is this you? No, this was M. Jones Brie Williams His pseudonym

How'd you know? She only brushes her teeth three times a week. Oh. Oh. A week? That's what it says. Oh, no. Oh.

Like, I don't like the way my mouth feels when I wake up in the morning. Yeah, right? When asked why she isn't a regular teeth brusher, you know, like an adult, a normal person. Why aren't you a regular teeth brusher? What's going on? Simpson gave me a somewhat unexpected and weird answer. Quote, because my teeth are so white and I don't like them to feel too slippery, Simpson explained. My lips just slide all over the place.

What is happening? Hang on. I can't catch up with my mouth. I need a little coating, a little plaque. A little coating. That's a quote. I do use Listerine and I do floss every day. It's why she's such a good singer.

She's got a little bit of traction on her lips. I know it's gross, but I always have fresh breath. I doubt that very much. I got to take my hoodie off. Hold on. She brushes her teeth three times a week, but flosses every day? And uses mouthwash. That has to be... Oh, that has to be so fucking disgusting.

Probably because she gets the gunk and she likes it. Like the gunk buildup on the floss. She uses like non-white floss so she can watch it turn white. My floss started red and now it's white. She just eats all just... Just chunks? Well, she probably has red floss. It tastes like cinnamon.

And she doesn't have to see her blood. I hope someone's eating the sandwich right now. Don't talk about the food. Jordan took his sweatshirt off and his hair went wild. Yeah. It's just surprising. It looks like he just woke up. I think it looks cool.

It looks good, but he's always like a cartoon character. He's exactly the same. And so it's weird that he's different. I'm glad you think that. I put a lot of effort into it. I just show up how I show up. And you might notice that. You are a cartoon character with different seasons

where you have a season where your sunglasses and a little hat and a season where you have long hair. There's just like different changes. Right. Michael sleeps in his face jam biker, I'm pretty sure. There's a clear lack of giving a shit most times. And it only accelerated with children. Totally understandable.

Anyway, 12 minutes. Do they brush their teeth more than three times a week? They don't, but I get to. Oh, okay. More than three times a week? When does that handoff occur? How does that handoff occur? Well, one, it has happened already.

I just like to not do it. Like Jessica Seuss. You help. They've been reading articles. No, they don it has happened already. I just like to not do it. Like Jessica Simpson. You help. You help. They've been reading articles. No, they don't like the plaque. Oh.

They just want me to do it. Oh. Maybe that's what Jessica Simpson needs. Someone should brush her teeth. Someone should. There you go. The thing is, my kids have yet to say, my mouth's too slippery. What an insane thing.

Don't give them that idea. Don't plant that seed. That's more insane than what I remember. My lips are going everywhere. What I remembered was that something about her weird obsession with the plaque. And I was pretty sure. What I just read is fucking weirder. That was from two months ago.

That's insane. What the hell? What was everyone for Halloween? I was Sven the reindeer from Frozen. And I was also dressed like a dog that a friend of mine has. Oh, yeah. Getting stepped on by my ex who's dressed up as a person that we know who stepped on that person's dog. It was like a couple's costume that he did with his ex-girlfriend.

I can't really picture it, but I bet it was great. Yeah. Oh, it was very good. I was a dog getting stepped on that person's dog. It was like a couple's costume that he did with his ex-girlfriend. I can't really picture it, but I bet it was great. Yeah. Oh, it was very good. I was a dog getting stepped on. I'm shitting, I'm shitting. I kept saying I'm shitting. Was the Sven thing just like on your own or was it part of a group? That was with the family. Right, right, right. So you were all Disney characters.

Well, just specifically Frozen. I'm just waiting for the explanation. I don't think it needed to be explained. I was Sven from Frozen. What else do you need? I figured everyone else was in that theme. I didn't think that you were going to go and everyone else was Ninja Turtles.

I explained the dog thing. That's what I was worried about. I explained the dog thing because it needed an explanation. I don't think this did. But who was everyone? I'll tell you this. If you're Sven

who's Elsa okay I can wrap it in that very same dog stomper I was having a conversation with her and I said Sven

I was gonna be Sven because there was also a fake out that I was the dog that she likes to stomp I said that I was Sven from Frozen and she said

oh who are the kids gonna be and I said one of them's to be the murderer Hans from the first film. And she said, oh, and what about the other one? And I said, she's going to be one of those little trolls that does the magic. Everyone's favorite characters.

And she looked at me and she said, as to these two small children who are sisters, she said, they're not going to be the princesses? Jesus. And I said, oh my God. And then she said, fuck you and walked away. That was kind of the interaction I was hoping we would have. We got it both ways. We got everything.

We got a little bit everything the last telling of the story so you got all the parts congratulations yeah wow yeah yeah i'm shitting yeah there's a lot of stomping your your ex was stomping hard yeah she was like then the stomper herself stomped me oh my god she was Well, she saw the dog and was like, oh, I'm a stomp. She just started stomping. I call it blood lust. Yeah. It was a lot. It was like that Simpsons episode and she just went, I'm just gonna stomp and if you get in the way, it's your own

fault. Essentially. Fucked up. You were there when it happened. Yeah, it's fucked up. You were there during the stomping. She dog stomping, road hopping. Is the dog okay? As well as it could be. Like physically? Yeah. Mentally? Remains to be seen. Young dog.

It runs from boots now. Yeah. It's pretty fucked up. Do we wet our whistle? I'm wet, bro. I'm sad. Why don't you go ahead and read that haiku? I will read the haiku. Can you make it about a dog? Can you make it about Jessica Simpson?

Jordan's shitting, he's shitting, he's shitting. Kind of late in the game. The House of the Lord. Or that Red vs. Blue guy. Never eaten there. Damn. That was good. That had a little bit of something for everyone.

Or nothing for someone that's true someone didn't understand any of it I've eaten there never watched Red vs. Blue I don't know what religion is yeah

Jessica Simpson she's out there scraping her teeth eating a chicken sandwich back to not brushing my teeth you can scrape it and put it on the sandwich Nick is that a sauce?

is that tartar sauce? oh tartar sauce I don't know he hit you with a fuck no sauce? Is that tartar sauce? Oh, tartar sauce. I don't know. He hit you with a fuck no, but then you said tartar sauce. I'm starting to think maybe yes. And then he went,

mmm, on the inside. Jessica Simpson makes her own tartar sauce. This is a good episode. This is very good. A lot of Jessica Simpson. A lot more, and none of it planned. All of it on the fly.

True. And it's very good. You said it like it wasn't true, but it is true. No, it's true. It just sounds like everything you say is a lie. No. It's a trait that you have. Even the way he says no.

Right. Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm right. It's fine. Sure. Yeah. See?

I'm starting to think he's wrong and it's not fine. Church's facts. Here we go. Let's get on to the facts. Let's do it. Something's happening in the show. A true Texas original. Church's Chicken opened in 1952 in San Antonio, right across the street from the Alamo.

Remember that? The Draft House? No, the boring one. The first. That one was on 6th Street. No, the boring one. The one that's just kind of an empty room? Yeah. Well, no. No, the boring Alamo. A bunch that one was on 6th Street. No, the boring one. The one that's just kind of an empty room? Yeah.

Well, no, the boring Alamo. A bunch of people said we should go die there. Yeah. Yeah. They said we should go die there. Everyone was going to die there. Did they? Yes.

Okay. Yeah. Remember that. Remember that. Remember the church's chicken? Across the street from the Alamo. Across the street. Yeah.

Should have went there. I didn't know it was from Texas. I didn't either until I wrote this fact sheet at 4 a.m. Good for you. Here's your sticker. You're allowed to sleep. What? Can I continue? Absolutely. Are you done with your banter?

I'm sorry. I thought the wet in your whistle was over. Now you're talking about your sleep schedule. But which one was Elsa? Let's get back on track. Well, the older one, obviously. Oh. Churches has over 1,700 locations around the world, including restaurants in, I don't even know how to pronounce this. Bahrain.

Sure. Bahrain. Bawalrus. Bawalrus. I am Boris. Honduras. And Singapore. And more.

And more. And Singapore. Known in these countries as Texas chicken. Now, if you're traveling in New Zealand, you can stop there and still say, why did we go here? Just like in America. Did you call it Texas chicken everywhere? I can't use that before you've ever even been there.

Yep. Yeah. I'm still dogging on him. I knew who we were getting into. There's a reason he hasn't been. How many times have you had it? I had no fucking doubt. Yeah. So they were called church's Chicken around the world,

and then they closed a bunch of them, and then a bunch of them opened back up, and they went, Texas Chicken. Can't imagine a place called Church's Chicken was really big in Bahrain. There was a problem in Malaysia where it was called Texas Chicken, but on their sides, like the cups and stuff,

they serve everything in it. It said Church's Chicken, and everyone went, what the fuck? And they thought they were coming in to impart religion, and I went, serve everything in it. It said church's chicken and everyone went what the fuck? And they thought they were coming in to impart religion and I went that's pretty cool. But they probably were. Yeah. If it's from Texas. I would think so. Yeah. I mean they came with promise of a new god. It's all that soft

power. It's all that soft chicken. In the late 90s, churches partnered with White Castle to create co-franchise restaurants along the east coast. This is to create co-franchise restaurants along the East Coast. Whoa, tell me more. This is like the co-franchise of Pizza Hut and Taco Bell, but less successful and for drunker people. Wow.

Okay. I never heard of that. I'm from the East Coast. Could you pick two worse restaurants to combine? Exactly what I thought. Not even like Popeye's in White Castle, which to me is like, you know, like that. That almost fits a little bit more. Church's chicken pairing with anything is very like.

I'm not going to go to either of those. Now they're both contaminated. I don't understand pairing at all. No. Just go to the restaurant. Why do you need a combination pizza, hot taco bell? I don't understand. They do worse versions of both things.

Yeah. And the menu's smaller on both sides. What? Whack. I still don't know what green burrito is. With the Carl's Jr.? Carl's Jr. original. You can just get a taco there. That's it. Whoa. Couldn't you get tiny tacos somewhere?

Where was that? Yeah, I don't know what that is. How come static just came out of your mouth? You can get tiny tacos at bleep. Is that what we're doing now? You opened your mouth and the internet dial-up tone just came out. Despite church being part of the name, Church's Chicken is not a church and has no affiliation with any churches. This fact is straight up taken from a Mashed article just in case you thought maybe this was a church too.

Oh, like the church is saying that it's not a church? Yeah. How do we know Mashable's not a church? Why name it that? Because the guy's name is, was it William G. Church? Just don't do it. Something like that. Yeah, just don't do it.

Call it Texas Chicken. You're going to have to come out and go, we're not a church. Don't put church in the name. Just don't do it. Call it Texas chicken. You're going to have to come out and go, we're not a church. Don't put church in the name. I don't know. Emergency room hamburgers. When I get to the emergency room, oh no, not again! I was really looking for a place to pray

instead of serving up chicken. I mean, since I'm here. So it was named after the red versus blue guy. I was really looking for a place to pray instead of serving up chicken. I mean, since I'm here. So it was named after the red versus blue guy. Yeah. I was right. In 1952. Working in tandem with the sandwich we got today, probably not true based on what Eric wrote at the top.

We didn't order that. Right. Churches launched an online petition to, quote, get bacon back on the map. We don't need that. We don't. We also didn't do it with the sandwiches we ate today. No, we didn't. Stating that they want the city of Bacon, Texas back on the map after, quote, falling off.

What does that mean? The petition sits at a whopping, I added the whopping, 183 signatures. So if you thought things were bleak before in Bacon, Texas, just know that not even 200 people care if you're a place or not. That was a good fact to end on. That was good.

So it's a place outside of Wichita Falls that is, and I looked, is not on the map anymore. Oh! But Houston, is it not even on Google Maps? Oh!

You could search it on Google Maps and I couldn't find, like, the city of bacon, but, like, you search it and it's just outside of Wichita Falls. What happened to it? I think the population is probably so low.

Yeah, they ate all the bacon. I mean, it's like the bacon that we got on our sandwiches. It's just not there. How do I sign this petition? Online. I can include a link in the description, I suppose, if we can get it up over that 200. Yeah, it's like the bacon that we got on our sandwiches. How do I sign this petition? Online. I can include a link in the description, I suppose, if we can get it up over that 200.

Yeah, that's it. That would be the face jam push. Just 200, yeah. That would be the face jam push. If we would see a real-time number going up and then people are like, oh, we're getting bacon back on the map. When somebody signs it,

someone's phone probably rings. Because that's how infrequent it is. Yes. Oh, yeah. when somebody signs it, someone's phone probably rings. Infrequent it is. Yes. Oh, yeah. I was surprised it was over 150 because where would you ever see? Did you sign it? No, absolutely not. Not yet. Not yet. There you go. It went up two. Wow!

185. Wow. 15 to go. I think we get 15 people here to do it and then just not bother. Look at that number. It says 200 to get this on featured and recommended. Oh. Wow. Let's get it.

Featured. Yeah, is that their goal? Can you help Church's Chicken, not affiliated with any religion, put Bacon, Texas back on the map? Uh-huh. Let's get it on the fucking map, okay? I think the saddest part is not so much on the map. Let's get it on the fucking map. Okay. I think the saddest part is not so much about the town.

It's about how church's chicken isn't able to get more than 200 people on board with this. The last part of that read, read the last paragraph or the like, you can actually read that whole description. It's not that long. Okay. And you can see what they're doing here. A while back, the Wichita County community of Bacon, Texas fell off the map. You can certainly find a bacon on a menu in Texas, but in 2021, you won't find it on a map. So at Church's, we're celebrating our new Texas cut bacon chicken sandwiches in the most Texas way possible by coming together to put Bacon, Texas on the map.

That's right. By signing this petition, you can help support our mission to officially bring bacon back to Texas. They said the same thing a lot of times. We'll be going on the road to get the word out about our petition. Make sure you follow our story on social YouTube and right here. And if you see our truck out in the wild, say hello and grab a sandwich. This sounds a lot like something we would do. Yeah, but we would get more than 185 people to sign it.

I mean, that's how many people showed up. And that was in one place. Hey, guys, Bacon? Four hours, 23 minutes. I'm confused, though, because it is on the map. Well, I think it's not on the map. We can make a pilgrimage.

I typed Bacon, and it said here it is. It's like, yeah, we'll take you there, but it's not really on the map. In true church fashion, we can make a religious pilgrimage. Wow, to Bacon, home of church's chicken. It's on it is. It's like, yeah, we'll take you there, but it's not really on the map. In true church fashion, we can make a religious pilgrimage. Wow, to bacon, home of church's chicken. I mean, it's on the map. It's right there. It says bacon. Nah, it's kind of like it's hard to read.

It says bacon, right? No. It definitely says bacon. Well, then we must be working from the future where we did it. We did it. Wow. You know how? That's a face jam push.

Because it was on recommended and trending. It's true. On whatever the fuck. On whatever the fuck. On whatever the fuck. And that's, those are the facts. We learned a lot about churches that we didn't know anything about this restaurant. Not religious churches.

No, that's a different thing. Yeah, not a lot of church talk. I've purged any information that I once had from my brain. How are they not like going into towns that have like defunct churches and turning those into churches? Because they don't want to be affiliated. Yeah, they don't want to have anything tounct churches and turning those into church churches? Because they don't want to be affiliated.

Yeah, they don't want to have anything to do with churches. You know how Pizza Hut has the Pizza Hut shape? Jordan, I agree. They should lean into it, but clearly they don't want to. Yeah. It's a confusing name to have. We opened this by saying that we drive by it and didn't know it was there. Yeah.

If there was a church there, I'd be like, whoa, what the fuck? A church? And then, whoa, what the fuck? It's a chicken sandwich place? What happened? Hi, everyone. If you're filming content soon at where we are, we encourage you to wear merch. fuck a church and then whoa what the fuck it's a chicken sandwich place what happened hi everyone if you're filming content soon at where we are we encourage you to wear merch from the holiday collection we're filming right now we're not wearing it oh no wait i think maui brewing company

is part of the merch this year is mega 64 part of what we do or no what is that it's uh some friends i've heard of those guys yeah you. You're wearing. There you go. You're like decked out. I'm decked out? Yeah. What does that mean? You got. In merch.

Yeah, but none of it's holiday. Oh, yeah. Not in holiday. Right. I don't have clothes. What are you doing? That's not holiday merch. That's not holiday either.

The fuck are you? He's going. He's just pointing at himself. Because his better self is on a shirt. Yeah. That's what it is. Do you ever become the monkey at home ever?

No. He thought about it. He did. I saw it. And he had like a wry smile. Kind of like in the way when Eric says no, I don't believe him. I heard what he was going to say. You know what? I might be on your guys' side now. I don't believe me either.

I get it! Now I understand. It's fine. I'll say, that was some bonus press material we just got. It was a freebie. I just get a quick glance. There is. Calm down.

There's some press material. We're allowed to talk on the show. That, what he just read read isn't on the paper it's exciting close your mouth why was your mouth open like a muppet excited beaker style like he did like the little like

us Kermit the frog in it huck h, huck, huck, huck. All right, should you fire off? On this bitch? Yeah, dude. All right. This bacon bitch. Texas cut bacon chicken sandwich. As read earlier, Texas cut applewood smoked bacon.

Press X to doubt. Crispy fried chicken. Now that's what we like to call best flavors forever. BFFs. Build fac fetter. Add thick Texas style bacon to any chicken sandwich. Original spicy or smoky honey cube for only $4.99. Oh, you finally got to the thing we ordered. Yeah. At the bottom of the page. So we have to

ask for the bacon? You did. And you're fine. It's fine. They just didn't give us the bacon. Why didn't you tell me I needed to ask for it? You wrote it. Because you failed. I'm sorry. I didn't write that. So you didn't read it. You also supervised him ordering it.

Yeah, I told him what to say. He said it. And they didn't read it You also supervised him ordering You supervised the order Yeah, you were telling me what to say And they didn't give us the No It all comes back Eric, Texas cut bacon chicken sandwich He didn't say that And then he said honey cube

And then she said three? The church's Texas cut bacon chicken sandwich Did not come out of his mouth Yeah, no, he said it Here's the way gaslighting works You can't try to do it to three people Who know you're, he said it. Here's the way gaslighting works. You can't try to do it to three people who know you're wrong. Right.

Well, here's the thing. You're not that good yet. It's not gaslighting. I'm just lying. That's true. Yeah. That's the thing. What he's doing is just- People are just-

He's believing his own lie. Yeah. It's not an interchangeable word. That's the thing. People are using interchangeably. What he's doing is a George Costanza. Yeah. That's what he's doing.

I think he's doing an MJT. I think he's buying and selling. Wow! Okay. Wait, what is it? MTG? Magic the Gathering? Yeah, I'm doing a classic Magic the Gathering.

Wow. You're buying what you're selling. No, I don't think he's buying it all. I think he's just selling it and he's reveling in the stink of shit. Texas style bacon on a chicken sandwich. All right, let him read the rest. Press material. Let him read the rest, you rat.

A natural evolution of our more distinctive menu innovation journey is bringing even bolder Texas-inspired flavors to our guests, said Brian Gies, chief marketing officer at Church's registered trademark. I just want to say in that first sentence alone, evolution, distinctive, innovation, journey, bolder. It's chicken. It's nothing. Chicken's in the name of the restaurant. Nothing was said. It is one sentence where he It's nothing. Chicken's in the name of the restaurant. Nothing was said. It is one sentence where he says absolutely nothing.

But I got to give it an A+. That's some press material. You work at churches and you're busting this out. He typed that and went, My hands are cramped. So glad I went to college for this. Our thicker cut applewood smoked bacon is unlike any other in quick service dining. I sure was.

You're losing me. You're losing me. Creating a perfect flavor pairing. Back on board. While still bringing the signature Church's Texas flair that guests know and love. Church's registered trademark. Yeah. Why do you need to put that every time?

People love it. I don't understand. I don't understand. We know who you are. Yeah. Church's registered trademark. Yeah, why do you need to put that every time? People love it. I don't understand. I don't understand. Churches are. We know who you are. Yeah. That's fine. I'm not taking it. I think that they're.

I'm churches now. I'm registering the church's registered trademark logo. Sorry to me. I think that they're the little dog. And so putting the registered trademark makes them excited. They're like, we're like McDonald's. Don't forget, we're official. McDonald's registered trademark.

You know the way you always see it? I think they have to put that because otherwise people would think they're talking about churches. Oh, that's true. Or Chavertges, the band. Oh, I didn't think about Chavertges. Oh, no. I didn't think about it either but that's because i didn't i know what it is so we're kind of on the same page but we're not we're on the same

page in that i was also not thinking about it right but also i never would have right right right i've never thought about it before i will never think about it again that's the difference between me and you i don't listen to music what he just doesn't listen to traverses right right all right and then that violent femme song came on is this the crash bandicoot and it was right it was like i i love that song it's like playing a marimba i never i've listened to that album i mean a hundred times is probably a low number. I love that album. I think that's a great song.

And you said it sounds like the Crash Bandicoot soundtrack. I've heard that song probably a half a dozen times since the trip. Every time I just go, oh, fuck. It came on a couple of weeks ago while we were playing baseball, and I was like, oh, this is the Crash Bandicoot song. That rule. It sounds like, it sounds like in a cartoon when someone's a skeleton

and they start playing him like a xylophone and it makes that sound. It had an interesting effect in the car when I said it and it was a slow roll of like, it does kind of sound like, I can actually see it.

And I was like, yeah, oh yeah. And then I kept going, I was like, that seems spinning yeah. And then I kept going. That's him spinning. You kept making sound effects. I was adding the sound effects. You had like the jumping sound effects. Oh, we just killed a guy.

I was going, whoa. Yeah. Whoa. And then it all came together. Oh my God. Oh my fuck. What's the name of that song? Gone Daddy Gone by the Violent Femmes.

And then it's just Michael doing Crash Bandicoot. Please, somebody put the sound effects over the song. I've searched. I don't think I told you this. I've searched to see if I can find a Crash Bandicoot mashup with that song. Can't find it. It hasn't been done yet. Until now.

Yes. Now now. Yes. Yeah. Now it will happen. Damn, dude. Pigeon Studios, Pete and Jen are going to be all over the Crash Bandicoot theme song. That's like too lowbrow for them, right? That's just taking two tracks and putting them over each other. And it's the same thing.

Right. But it's just a Crash Bandicoot noise. It's just one of them. Whoa. Whoa. Eric's hiding in his hat. It sounds so good! It's just like Crash Bandicoot!

This guy plays Crash Bandicoot. You can tell. I don't know what it is. It's like the pitch and the inflection is so perfect. It's like you close your eyes and it's really Crash Bandicoot. It's like the pitch and the inflection is so perfect. It's like, really, like, you close your eyes, it's really Crash Bandicoot. To me, I've never played Crash Bandicoot, but it sounded like that one song in, it was like a Banjo-Kazooie stage.

Oh, yeah. Oh, big time. Like the shipyard one. Yeah, it's all of them, trust me. Yeah. You just catch someone with fucking xylophones and, like, triangles and shit. And then if someone talks, they go... If it's a 3D platformer, it sounds like Gone Daddy Gone by the Violin Fist.

You're very good. You've got like a real knack for this. Oh, thanks. Eat them, bulk them. Oh! That's mumbo jumbo. Yes, it is. Well, that's actually

when you get the mumbo token, to be fair, but I associate it with him. I'm just, I'm more of a... It's still his voice. I'm a Jinjo guy, but that's just me. Jinjo.

Jinjo. See, it's exciting. It's exciting for everyone. Jinjo. That's the end of the game. Spoiler. It's his. Anything else?

I haven't beaten it yet. This is a good episode. That's the end of the game Did anything happen oh well we didn't get out of the car Should we get out and you go you were like I'll go through the drive-thru and you don't want to go in you went Yeah, let's go through the drive-thru. And he goes, you don't want to go in? You went, nah. Yeah. Let's go through the drive-thru. Drive-thru. It was wet and raining. Yeah. It took a long time.

It was at one point, we were waiting so long. You went, I forgot we were in the drive-thru. Yeah, we were just hanging out talking. We were just hanging out talking and the seat warmers were on. It was very comfortable. Yeah. And then we went, oh, yeah, we're alive. Where's the food? There's like a line of people behind us and they got to be fucking pissed.

It's because we ordered eight sandwiches at 11 o'clock. They told us they haven't finished cooking yet, but they should by the time you pull up. Yeah. Which was crazy because we ordered four. We ordered four and then she went, three? Yeah, she did. What? Yeah.

I was like. So the plan was four honey QAnon sandwiches. Right. Uh-huh. With that, from Magic the Gatherer. Four spicy. They all just came back from seeing JFK Jr., who definitely showed up. And now they made their way to us.

And then four spicy. Four spicy. Yeah. And then we were going to get some fries and the baked mac and cheese. Oh, that's right. Yes. Hit a snag on plan uh phase one we did get the fries and the mac and cheese no problem but but when i said can i get four of the honey cue uh-huh she was like she immediately said they're

not cooked yet yeah but they should be by the time you pull up. And then she was like, okay, so that's three. And I was like, four. Four. And then I said, can we also get four spicy? And what didn't inspire a lot of confidence was her going, yeah. Right. The first sandwich just got an explanation. She didn't say it back to me. The second one was, okay.

Yeah, this one was like too easy. Like suspiciously easy. Because my worry was like, look, you haven't cooked four. Yeah. You got to cook eight now. Is that going to be okay? Oh, yeah, no problem. I think she heard that and she went, we're just going to give them whatever the fuck.

I don't give a shit. I laughed waiting for the food because I was like, remember when she said three? And I went, three doesn't sound at all like four. So my thought is she just heard a number and guessed like fuck i know they wanted more than one yeah definitely wasn't one i'll just throw a number out and see if i was right start stabbing two's not enough four is crazy four is outrageous fuck it was four oh no then then then we were talking about whether we're gonna get the other four or not but jordan said based on the price right, he was pretty confident we were getting them.

We pulled up to the window, and first we're waiting there forever, and Jordan says, shouldn't they have us pull up out of the drive-thru and they'll hand it to us because it's taking so long? Then we sat there for five minutes and then they opened the window and said, can you pull up and we'll hand it to you? And then the guy came over.

What did he say? He was like, I don't remember if it was at the window when they gave it to us. But the guy goes, you got the eight sandwiches? Eight sandwiches. Again, again. If only I had asked, like, how that broke down, you know? Really appreciated. I said it in the car.

We were all on the same page with whatever question this man is about to ask us, the answer is yes. You got the eight sandwiches? Yeah. The baked mac and cheese? Yeah. And the one French fry? Yeah. The the eight sandwiches? Yeah. The baked mac and cheese? Yeah. And the one french fry? Yeah. The two french fries? Yeah. The one french fry? Yeah. He went two french fries and I was just

like, free fry, yes, sure. And he's like, no, one french fry, yes. I told Michael it's the equivalent of just hitting A in a text box. Get to the fight, get to the fight. Dude, whether we pay for the extra one or not, don't send that man back into the computer. Exactly.

Don't make him do more work. Then it's going to be a nightmare. We're going to be here for 10 more minutes. We don't need these windows closing more. It's going to be a Whataburger situation. Just like, no. I heard him say two, and you said, yeah. And I immediately thought, smart move.

Excellent. We all know we only ordered one. No one say anything. Everyone be quiet. Then he corrected himself. And you just went, yeah. If I were the guy, I would be like, why did you just say yes both times?

But then if I were the guy, I would also think, smart. Don't want me to go back to the computer. It's not worth it. I don't want to go back to the computer. It's 1130 on a Wednesday. I don't want to go back to the computers. It's 11.30 on a Wednesday. I don't want to go back to that. Eight chicken sandwiches in a Tesla. Oh, man.

So they brought our food out in the rain. And then we brought it back here. And then the food rained on our parade. Yeah, we ate it. So I started with the honey cube and I liked it. I was surprised by it. Couldn't tell you which was which.

It was tasty. Well, that one had sauce. And then I went to the next one being like, oh man, I can't wait for the spicy one. Took a bite and was like, this ain't right. And I lifted the bun up

and there was nary a spicy thing to be found. Yeah, and you know too because this guy is a mouse. You know what I mean? I would have been. He would have known, right? I think a rat might say, there's no spice on this. And Jordan would go, no, no, there is. You just don't detect it.

But as a little mouse, if he's not tasting spice, it's not there. Yeah, that's when I started sniffing around with my little mouse. Yeah, I saw your little rodent nose getting into the bag. Nick was doing it too. I think we got sound effects covered in this episode. Just rooting around in this one.

All right. But yeah, that kind of just ruined the mood. Because I was so surprised by the Honeymuster one that I was like, oh, I can't wait to get the spicy one. And then like we immediately just talking about which ones we were going to get is like cut the regular out. We don't need it. Right.

Who needs it? Just that's. Apparently churches thought we needed it. Yeah. They're like, oh, you got to try it. You want, you need a baseline. No, I don't. We don't need a baseline.

I've had chicken before. I've had enough baselines. I'm good. Yeah. Also, we didn't. We don't need a baseline anymore. I've had chicken before. I've had enough baseline. I'm good. Yeah. Also, we didn't get bacon. There was no bacon. I don't know why. Texas got bacon.

He told you to order the thing that doesn't have bacon. He said smoking honey and then found out you had to say bacon. He didn't tell me there was a code word. Yeah. We didn't also say, we didn't say bacon cut chicken sandwich. What is it, Subway? You got to tell them what to put on the sandwich? It's fucked up.

They should just give it to you. It's fucked up. Yeah. You should just fucking order it. It should have it. That's what I'm saying. And you should tell us that. Yeah.

And I did. That's what we got. But we didn't get it. Yeah. Subway style. They fucked it up. Damn. Really hoping that would pause.

Is it enter? No. I'm not going to touch that. I think you might have to click. I'm not going to scroll. Try the touchpad. No. Wow. That's that's crazy yeah eric how does it work this thing broken it's a miracle it's still on honestly wow see how this thing works see that yeah uh yeah so i mean this is just kind of a lost opportunity for churches because I think they could have had something pretty interesting here, but we're not getting the whole picture. In fact, I got too much of the bottom part of the picture.

I didn't need to see it. I didn't need to see the baseline. I want to see what was on top. I want to see the features. So it's going to get dragged down a little bit but I did like the honey mustard one enough I mean it wasn't honey mustard right it was honey barbecue the Q is barbecue

he thinks the Q is QAnon and that's somehow linked to mustard he thought he was eating mustard what? why did it taste like honey mustard? what? it's like a brown sauce. I think something happened to Jordan.

He took his sweatshirt off and everything changed. Well, that changes everything. It doesn't. It's a 59. Oh, okay. That's a pretty decent score. It's a decent Jordan score. It is.

You got to understand. There's a score and there's Jordan's score. 59 is like a 70 or an 80 normal people If you grade on the curve, yeah Pretty much it's not wrong There was no bacon the honey Q mustard Marjorie Taylor sandwich Was good good good chicken um but like and this really came through on the non-spicy one just like it just didn't have the flavor right like it was a good piece of chicken

it was big juicy you know it was crispy on the outside it was juicy on the inside nick wanted it crispy on the inside too he pointed He pointed out. He was talking about that. I think he wanted a deep fried. Like, cut it in half, deep fry it, put it back together. And then wrap it in butter and put it on the sandwich or something. Right, right, right. I thought it was great. It could use salt, pepper, anything.

Yeah. Right? It was just, like, a really good thing that didn't have flavor. And it filled me up. Really wish we got that spicy. And the other one was the exact same sandwich with sauce. Yeah. Right?

But it was better because of the sauce. It was. It was better because of the sauce, which tells you, again, imagine how good the spicy would have been if it had something on it. I wish we had gotten the spicy. If they were going to fuck it up, they should have given us the spicy and the regular. Because I feel like the spicy one's probably the best version. It probably is. It probably is. Because that's the

chicken itself, right? I mean, it's still like, it's not a sauce. It's just like embedded in the chicken. It was fine. I took one bite of mac and cheese. I went cheesy. Very cheesy. But it was good. It was fine. It had this big blob of baked film

on top. Like something from Jessica Simpson's mouth. And this dude was... And you couldn't stop gobbling. He was just playing with it. He was like, who wants the blob? And nobody said anything. You just continued your own conversation. And then we were walking in this room to do the podcast. He goes, I ate it.

Jesus Christ. He wanted somebody to eat it so bad. He was like, guess the burden falls to me. Also, you guys walked away and the mac and cheese was sitting there. It goes, what should we do this? And I go, throw it away. Yeah. I was throwing it away.

Yeah. It was just like, just toss this. I took one bite. That was the same. It's cafeteria. Mac and cheese. I'm going to give it away. Yeah. It was just like, just toss this fucking I took one bite and that was enough. Same. It's cafeteria fucking mac and cheese. I'm going to give it a, it was pretty good.

I wish we had the spicy, but it was still, it was a pretty good cut of chicken. I'm going to give it a 70. I think that's, Oh, that's a good normal people score.

It is. It is a good normal people score. Look at us doing the same scores. Yeah. I would say, I would say my score with the curve is probably lower than yours. I think a 58 for you is closer to like an 80.

Yeah, I like... Or 75 at least. I like the honey whatever it was. You really like the mustard that wasn't there. What's going on? Was your phone working? You seem to be struggling. 64 an hour.

Usually he's like that i hit over he was like i i kept hitting clear i'm like it was clear fuck i did it twice i don't know why i just can't i'm like typing what's wrong with us today astros lost oh they did? yeah I thought they were going to make a comeback they tried they somebody somebody hit a baseball

so far it went through the window yeah of their stadium a guy hit it it was the only way to describe

the home run was violent it was fucking insane you know when they say like it's out of here but it's just like

into the stands this one was literally out of there damn it left the stadium it went onto the street yeah it was pretty cool did they did the guy get charged yeah they took him away in handcuffs vandalism yeah it was fucked up damn dude that's fucked up in the middle of the game there's a lot about it but he was still an mvp yeah whoa of the year or uh the world series. Damn. Wait, it's over? Yeah, I thought we established that. When did the Astros get their trophy?

They were in it, right? Yeah, they were in it. They get a flag. Okay, that's pretty cool. They get a pennant. Don't call it a flag. It's not a flag. It's just like a little piece of felt. You put this under a wall, I guess.

It's a little triangle. It's a little triangle. I made that shit in ninth grade, okay? Actually, it's probably like sixth grade. It's more of a middle school. Ninth grade is pretty old. It's more of a middle school. It still wasn't very good.

Snack attack. Dear heroes, it's time for the snack attack. Welcome. Hello. It didn't say that. We're changing gears. It's a very different show now. You're looking at the card like you're reading it. I am reading didn't say that. We're changing gears. Yep. It's a very different show now.

You're looking at the card like you're reading it. I am reading it. But that's not the words. That's exactly what it says. You want to read this? It's exactly what it says. Snack attack time. Okay.

All right. That's not what it says. See? Ridiculous. See? No. That's what it says. Get out of here.

That's what it says. Who's what it says. Who's gaslit now? Still no one. The audience at best. Dear heroes, as an avid and loyal listener of the podcast since episode one, I've been trying to find the perfect snack for such worthy kings

of bugs. I'll just point that out. They didn't write bugs. But, um, these... What is this fucking called? Bavarian. I couldn't tell what he wrote. These Bavarian meats... Bawalrus. Ugh. What the fuck is this word?

How do you pronounce this word? That looks like land-yager. Land-yager? They're like big fucking beef sticks. These... Please stop using complicated words. Okay. Wayne, I appreciate it, but these Bavarian meets land Jagers.

It doesn't sound like a food, like something you ride in star Wars. Quick escape on the land. Yeah. Come from Seattle, Washington and are one of the tastiest meat sticks I've ever had. Hope you enjoy best

Wayne Evans. And then it says some other stuff at the bottom. What's that say? It's more something. At real Wayne Evans. I can see why it is an at. He didn't write it the right

That's the thing did he draw you see steps like you what he did is he wrote it looks like an e you need to Do the circle uh-huh and then and then right a right a first read a backwards But then I looked at Jordan's drawing Forgot about your ass. Yeah, but look at that. I mean go on I know how to make an ad simple all right. That's true the very in meat looks like that you make an a Go around, but no yours doesn't look at all like that kind of looks like a see shut up I make sense makes these Bavarian if they're from Seattle fucking question. There's a lion shit all of his yeah There's a lion shooting fire out. Yeah, it's pretty cool. Oh, that's that coppy see that infringing on our spice rat. Oh I

Don't say you're right. All right, you looked away, but he executed someone no I Don't know who I guess I guess the Bavarian meats people. He's killing They're very potent they potent smells. Yeah So I'm fucking full from those two chickens sandwiches. Yeah. This is very dense and very chewy. It is. It is dense. Imagine eating- there's two in this pack. This is just one bite. Yeah. One bite and I'm done. I should have a sandwich in my mouth.

If you're going on a hike bring these. Yeah. I heard Elvis loved these. Is that- He ate them twice. Elvis' favorite snack. Watch the road trip stuff. Don't worry about it. We'll pepper it in. You'll watch it and go, oh, I like that.

I'm in the show too. Or you won't and I won't care. Yeah, right. I'll forget what we said. A little spice at the end. Very little or very mild. Like, I was going to say, they're very easy to eat. It's misleading that he's breathing fire.

Yeah, it must be a reference to something else because it's certainly not from eating these. Maybe it's not fire. Maybe it's like a meat stick flying in his mouth. Maybe that's Jessica Simpson and that's her not stinky breath coming out. She uses mouthwash every day. It's so fresh. It looks like fire. Three times a week.

You know how it's like, not like, they say you shouldn't shampoo your hair every time you take a shower. It's like that. Yeah. Don't brush your teeth every day. You gotta let the good bacteria to work.

Yeah. Well, you don't want your tongue slipping all over your mouth. What? My lips slip? What the hell are you talking about? Are you Mr. Potato Head? Your fucking lips are falling off?

What the hell are you talking about? That was crazy. I brushed my teeth. That was so much crazier than what I was loosely sure about remembering. Sorry, I'm not making any sense today. I brushed my teeth this morning. Going a mile a minute over there. I never brushed my teeth before a big concert.

You can smell her breath from the nosebleeds. Sorry, I got toothpaste mouth. Yeah. Dentist Bill can't believe that everyone is't a regular dad rusher that's what happened to Ashley Simpson Ashley Simpson's she could rush seeing she had her he imagine that guy being a dentist and every patient comes in he goes another perfect mouth everyone brushes their teeth I was

that's what I was talking about. You're a dentist. You should know nobody brushes their teeth. You must look at mouths all day and go, what the fuck? I, as an adult, floss every night. And whenever I go to the dentist, the hygienist asks, how often do you floss your teeth? And I always feel like it's

a gotcha question. I go, every night, and I expect them to go, don't look like it. Like, am I doing it wrong? Do they say good? They say that's good, but they don't tell me that it's reflective in the quality of my teeth.

It's like, am I doing it wrong? Not you. With floss. Yeah. The string stuff? Are you sure you're not flossing somebody else's teeth? Yeah. Jessica Simpson's teeth, right you're not flossing somebody else's teeth. Yeah, Jessica Jessica, are you brushing Michael's kids teeth? And then flossing just they wouldn't do it. I had to you keep going after that meat stick speaking of flossing It's it's all in my teeth now. Oh

So much. Oh, it's embedded. I need a I need When I wash my teeth in three days Can have a little extra surprise. My brother's fine. I'm just sucking on some Bavarian meat land yeagers. What the fuck? Sucking on land yeagers all goddamn day. It's a very simple, very lightly flavored.

It's pretty good. Yeah. It's a very simple, very lightly flavored. It's pretty good. Yeah. It's fine. It's a little, not dry, but the skin's a little rough on the outside. Yeah, and it gives some chew to it, so I don't mind it too much. But then you're kind of going to work on it a little bit. You go to work on it. It's stuck in like four different teeth right now.

I'm thinking. It's a little bit right now. I'm thinking... It's a little bit of spice. I'm thinking 66. The spice is like after you're done eating it. Yeah. It just kind of sits. It's just kind of hanging out. It sits in your mouth.

Like if I brush my teeth, it's gone. So in three days... You're going to have... Do you have to talk anymore today? You're going to have a fucking out of control mouth, dude. I like that if someone only listens to 10 minutes of this, they still got it. That was at the top. Got to put the best content at the top.

Got to hook them. Right. If they don't get the review, that's fine. We'll stick around through the food stuff and we'll get back to the funny jokes at the end. We're almost done. We're almost done. Hang on. Hang on.

We'll talk about teeth again. Just sit tight. Hang on. I can't wait for the comment. It's like, don't you hate when they review food on our teeth-based podcast? Our Jessica Simpson podcast. Remember at three minutes when Jordan said, hey, we're talking about, we're almost talking about the food.

This is dangerously close to being a podcast. I think we course corrected quite well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. Okay. We still won't rate this. I'm going to give it a 70. Is that what I gave the chicken? Yes. Okay. We still won't rate this. I'm going to give it a 70. Is that what I give the chicken?

Yes. Oh, 70 day. Just as good as chicken. 70 day. I mean, in the realm of snacks. It's a 68. Now what? Well, if you want to send us snacks, you can.

Send snacks to Face Jam, care of Eric Badour, 1901 East 51st Street, Austin, Texas, 78723. Okay. The Face Jam Voodoo Ranger road trip is done. Why don't we do one now? And we have new videos

out now. What? All this month. All this month. It's out now? It's Voodoo Ranger month. By the time this is out. Right.

All this month. When's it come out? Next week. I think he's trying to get us to chant with him. What's the day? The same day that this comes out? No, no, no, no.

It'll be out like a day or two, two days. Sunday, Monday. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. All this month, we will have new Face Jam exclusive content. Wait, wait, wait, wait. All this month? All this month.

All this month. What about next month? It might go into the first week of next month as well. December. December, well. December. December, December, December. Happy holidays. Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. All I want for Christmas is more face jam.

Die, Christmas. We're at a war on Christmas, and God damn it, we're going to win. You can check out our road trip vodka take two. Check this out. Here we go. Cut right here. Have you brushed your teeth recently? No.

You can check out our face jam voodoo road trip vodcasts where we're eating road trip food along the way. We're also going to have two. That's right. Two road trip videos coming out. You can follow us on the journey that culminates in Fort Collins, Colorado, the Voodoo Ranger Brewing Facility. And just know when you watch it and you go, that was enjoyable. That took us

five fucking days. But remarkably, remarkably, we came out on the other side still friends. We did. I say, end it on a high note. I agree. So if you like that, watch that. Let friends know.

Check it out. We'll also probably have some announcements for stuff right after the beginning of the year. So tune in through December and we'll hopefully have some stuff. So if you're looking for new news, don't listen to the next couple of- That's what he's saying. Come back next year. No, listen to those. No, no, no.

I'm saying, no, because it'll probably be- We'll have to announce it before I would think, before the end of the year. So definitely. Yeah, but. Actually, Eric, let me fix this for you. I heard that

in a fortnight's time, we might have an update. So stay tuned. And you can follow us at FaceJamPod on Twitter and on Instagram to stay up to date with all that news and information or just listen to this episode over and over. Coming in December at best. Yeah.

If you, well, maybe November. And if you missed any of this news, listen to the whole episode again. Finish what you're doing now. Don't rewind it. Finish this episode. Just leave. This part sucks. Just go back to the beginning.

And then play. Good part's over already. And then play it from the beginning again. We put some breadcrumbs in there. It's like the snowman. We gave you all the clues, Mr. Policeman. It's true. Dude, we are the snowman.

Michael Keaton died twice in that movie. It's fucked up, dude. What the fuck? Let this man die. Did Harry Hole make it out alive? Oh, no. You got to start out Rooster Teeth. Speaking of Harry Hole,

startoutroosterteeth.com for all your face jam needs. 100% eat ass shirt and sticker on sale now. When can I have the fucking shirt? Buy me one. What the fuck, dude? Well, we don't have them right now. I got, why? Why don't we have one?

No, I'm saying, you just said they're out now. No, no, I'm saying we don't have them. Yes. Why? Yes. You're the producer. Produce one for us.

So there's also the tarot card shirt. That's available now also. I want one of those too. Oh. Take his. I know he has that one. Just take it. Oh, I definitely have that one. Take it. Yeah The new face jam voodoo ranger Mashup sure that sure the little rule lab sure I got to get the orange one That'll be on sale along with the video. So check it out. Check it out. Check it out the orange and gray both look good

All right, bubs. Yep The homestar runner reference in the year 2021. Anyone who's not Nick always makes it. Yeah. All right. Make sure you brush your teeth. Missed. No way.

It almost went. He went for flair, too. He's missed every time he looks at it. He basically handed it to the trash can. He leaned over and just went, and then turned to you. Astro Swim! Woo! Rate and subscribe

and tell a friend to brush their teeth! Only three times a week! Even worse than Nick's. Instead of brushing, Simpson will, quote, use a shirt or something to scrub her chompers clean, which she said is pretty effective. A shirt? Expert dentist.

It's pretty good. So her teeth are gross and her shirts are gross. Yeah. Is she using the same shirt? She's absolutely using the shirt she's wearing. A few months before the interview, Simpson revealed this fact about herself at the iHeartRadio Presents, an evening with Jessica Simpson in New York, sharing that she still has, quote, strong teeth, despite her lack of brushing. Quote.

Says who? Find me when I'm 60 and my teeth will probably be all out, she told the audience, according to people. What? But, quote, but I literally have these strong, powerful teeth that don't need to be brushed. What the fuck? End quote. I'm going to stop brushing my teeth until people get my teeth. They're strong.

I don't need to brush them. My teeth are strong and will fall out by the time I'm 60. But they're going to fall out strong. They're going to fall out so strong. After they fall out, she can use them as tools. She said that she has strong, powerful teeth? Yeah, dude. She uses her shirt to brush her teeth?

Is she putting toothpaste on her shirt? No, no. I guarantee she's just grabbing part of the shirt and going scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub, scrub. So here's the thing. She does not brush her teeth at all. Because she admits she only does it three times a week. So three times a week she gets her shirt and goes. Maybe three times is with a toothbrush and then the in-between days are shirts. I'm trying to clarify.

She needs to clarify. In-between days are shirts. Look, quote, it's great that she's flossing all the time, but you have to brush too, Dr. Dorfman said. Oh, another doctor. What goes on in your mouth really affects your whole body i think it's the same doctor i think it's bill dorf build well yeah this is the guy who thinks that everyone's brushing constantly all the time hopefully hopefully simpson heard her doctor's recommendation and applied it to her daily routine because we

would hate to think that she's still going days without brushing her teeth this is like how celebrities don't shower yeah and i don't like Yeah, it's all information forfeited by them for no reason, and everyone goes, what the fuck? You're fucking weird. Okay, but the thing about her, I'll give her credit, you don't want your lips sliding all over the place. That's true. I didn't think about that because if you're going to do a special engagement

with iHeartRadio, which Face Jam should definitely do, we all have to make sure we don't brush our teeth that day and use our shirts because we don't want our lips slipping and sliding all over our teeth. I really need to know if she's just doing the sleeve thing in between the actual

brushing. Is that show, that podcast mystery show still around? Can we get Starly Kine on it? We should see if Red Web can take this over and just solve the mystery for us. Wow. I'm floored. Mystery solved.

She doesn't want her teeth slipping around or her face slipping around. Michael is satisfied. She doesn't want her skull skin slipping around or her teeth or whatever. My lips just slide all over the place. I can't catch up with my mouth. I need a little coating.

A little plaque. And that has been the Face Jam Extra. Extra, extra. Fucking disgusting. Mario Lopez?