100% Eat - IHOP Elf on the Shelf Menu

Episode Date: December 24, 2019

In this episode, Michael Jones and Jordan Cwierz eat and review IHOP Elf on the Shelf Menu so you know if it's worth eating. They also talk about Mike Ilitch, IHOPplebees, Megatoad, and more. Sponsored by DoorDash. Download the DoorDash app and use code FACEJAM for $5 off your first order. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Boom! There's the music! You hear it, Eric? It's pumpin'! Welcome to Face Jam, the show where we try every new fast food creation to let you know if you need it, and you probably do. Thanks to DoorDash for making this show possible. I'm your host, Michael Jones, alongside my good co-host, Jordan Sweers. How are you? Why are you laughing? I added good, because I was like, let's compliment the guy. Thanks for adding good in there. It's the nicest thing anyone's said about me ever. Sad. Yeah, I don't get it. Nobody likes it.

Jordan, tis the season. To be jolly. Yeah, so this is our holiday episode. Really, slop right out on Christmas Eve. If you're listening to this, you have nothing better to do, right? Or it's the highlight of your day. Right. That's the same thing, what I just said. In which case,

I just said, a little sadder than me. Yeah. If you're listening to this on Christmas Eve, odds are you're probably gonna go to IHOP. Yeah. You're in that family. That works out great because what we ate today was the IHOP Elf on a Shelf

platter. There's a lot. We did it for you, one sad person. Now we're the sad people. Yeah, dude. It was something. We got through it, though. They don't even attempt. I'm still getting through it.

Yeah. I'm in the middle of it. Dude, I took a picture of you before we started, and you looked like you were having a crisis on the couch. You were waning between sleep and death. I just woke up from either sleep or death. But usually the food is like the last one we did. It's just a little item. But it's in the name, like KFC Nashville Hot Chicken and Waffles.

It was chicken and waffles. This is Elf on a Shelf because there's just too much shit. The Elf on a Shelf menu. There's a lot. This is a two-pager. The meat of it is probably the omelet. Oh, here we go. That's true.

Yeah, that would be like the main food section. And that is food. It was a holiday ham. I won't get into the whole thing here, but basically it was a ham and sausage omelet. Then there was a marshmallow hot cocoa. then there were jolly cakes which were you know pancakes covered in stuff and uh oh what funnel cakes very sweet very a lot of sweet items definitely targeted at children oh god or this or sickos i guess we're sick man. I don't know what to tell you.

I mean, I ate it for the show. We're doing a show? Yeah, this... I'm usually all about the trash food or the snack food or the fast food. This is your nightmare, though. I'm not a huge sugar person. And this was, I'd say, 80% sugar.

If not more. And so was all the food. A lot of it. The food was probably 90%. First ingredient was sugar, if not more. And so was all the food. A lot of it. The food was probably 90%. First ingredient was sugar in all of those. It was the first, middle, and last, I think. It was sugar in all its forms. But we went to IHOP to enjoy this feast, I guess.

I was trying to come up with a word for it. I really didn't know where to set that. Well, we definitely ordered a feast. We had to. We ordered two of everything. We had to. What I like, my first thing is we sat down, and the waiter comes by, and he's like,

can I get you a drink? So I think you and I just ordered water. So I get a water. And Eric ordered a coffee, and he ordered the hot chocolate. Yeah, he dove right in. And that was it. And we sat there. And then I went, oh, is that one of the things?

I thought, that's weird. He ordered a hot chocolate. But then I was like. He's a 33-year-old man. I was like, was that one of the items? He goes, yeah. And I go, well, why did you order one? And he went, I don't know, because I don't even want this.

I was like, surely you'd order two or three. Why the hell did you order one? And he went, I don't know, because I don't even want this. I was like, surely you'd order two or three. Why the hell did you order one? He's just going, I don't know. Why did I do that? I have no idea. I don't know what happened. He started cracking up. He didn't know what he was doing.

He just kind of lost it at the table. I didn't know what happened. I just said, we should. He asked us what we wanted to drink, and I went, what a great opportunity to get this thing. He asked us what we wanted to drink, and I went, what a great opportunity to get this thing. And then if you never brought it up, we wouldn't have talked about it until we got one and went, oh, no. Why do we only have one? But, yeah, there's a lot of, first of all, that drink and then three dishes. And there's like a good amount of food.

There's two funnel cakes that come on the order so we had four funnel the pancake i think it was three pancakes and the omelet looks like the omelet was huge the omelet was huge it was about the size of an arm it was like a burrito it was fat it was yeah it was like a big bigger than a burrito but uh also you know a whole breakfast in that thing. Yeah, dude, it was a lot. We'll get to that. I just wanted to keep it vague, keep it light for now.

That's a teaser for later. Before we dive into the deets. That's short for details. I like calling it a teaser. Yeah. Ooh, what's going to happen later? You've got to keep listening to find out. You know what I mean?

We can't give it all up front. Yeah, we're always just about to talk about the food. If we give it all up front, people are going to squirt their icing and then they're going to be done. And they're going to leave. You always think when you're going like, oh man,

I can handle so much. And then once you squirt, you're done. Nothing matters. You know what I mean? You're like, I, man, I can handle so much. And then once you squirt, you're done. Nothing matters. You know what I mean? You're like, I can squirt. I'll keep listening. And then you do, and you go, no, I won't. So that's all I'm trying. Jordan's making a face, and I don't understand why.

Hang on. You've been calling it pounding off all day. What the hell are you talking about? I was talking about icing. What are you talking about? I was talking very literal terms here. I was talking about pancakes and icing. You, sir.

You said something and I mentioned pounding off. That really tickled you. It's such an aggressive, violent way to describe masturbating. We were talking about cranking off. Cranking off sounds like, and we said the same idea, like, it sounds like a task in Resident Evil. I said, like, if you

crank, like, that's a bicep workout. And then, because we were driving there, and I made a motion with my hand of spinning a crank, and in my head I thought like in Resident Evil, but I didn't say that. And then you went, yeah, like a crank in Resident Evil. And I went, dude! And I turned around, like, that's but I didn't say that and then you went yeah like a crank in Resident Evil and I went dude and I turned around like that's what I was thinking

and then we discussed like what like you doing like a square crank or you doing like a hexagon crank but anyway we've gotten so far away from the food here I was just saying please listen to the end that's all I wanted to say and then you made it filthy a great thing to ask

of a podcast hi if you can please listen all the way to the end thank you right you know it filthy a great thing to ask of a podcast hi can if you can please listen all the way to the end thank you right you know what i mean it's the least you could do you know they might never listen again i want them to leave with the whole thing intact but you recommended you're like hey there was a lot of food you know we should just get one each one each and share and i you were flatly refused. I'm never going to share food on this show. You get your own order. I get my own order. Yeah, Eric and I have to share.

No, he could have ordered a third order. It's fine. Oh, yes. Thank you for not doing that. Listen, if you don't want to, that's fine, but don't make me do it, okay? I want my own plate and my own fork. I'm a big boy. Daddy eats first.

Okay? You're a big boy, but you're a little elf. I can be either. I can be a big boy and a little first. You're a big boy, but you're a little elf. I can be either. I can be a big boy and a little elf. We'll get to that. You're jumping all over the place. That's a teaser. But I was just saying.

Should we talk about how we don't know what elf on the shelf is? I absolutely know what it is. I had to explain it to you. You had to explain it in depth because we didn't know what the fuck it was. This was not a thing when I was a kid. No, it wasn't. No, it wasn't. I've known about it for like 10 years again because of my nephews the holidays and like and like santa now he's got this little

this little bastard that like kind of takes the glory everybody's always like elf on a shelf elf on a shelf yeah when i was a kid it was all about santa yeah dude the big man yeah he's doing the work okay he's got his slave elves and then he they make the presents and then he hands them out and takes all the glory. That's how it works. As it should be. I guess he feeds them stuff I guess. But you put like a little elf on a shelf somewhere in your

house. You gotta move him every night. So like the elf's there and they're like he's gonna report to Santa so no shit. Or it's going right to him and then you're done. You know, Cole, whatever. And then if then the next day they wake up, where do you go? He moves somewhere else.

So he like comes alive at night and he moves around and then it's fun for the kids. Is it? They run around. They go, where is he? Where is the elf? And they look around and like, oh, he's watching the toilet. That's weird. Eric just wheezed.

I'm trying to get the guy off his phone. I'm just trying to get him off the phone. I know we're in a taping. I have work. I'm sorry. I know, but I'm just trying to reel you in without me. With the big wheeze. And here's the double thing.

So you already have to leave out the milk and cookies for Santa. And, like, write a note for Santa. Do you leave anything out for the elf or his heart? No. Not really. Not that I know of. The elf leaves you a note. So then as a parent, you got to write the damn note to the kid.

Like, hey, you know, good job. You did okay. Good job. You didn't fuck with me during the day. I did see you pounding off in the bathroom that one day. And then he goes, noise. But that's basically Elf on a Shelf. It's some little asshole.

And so that's basically Elf on a Shelf. He floats around your house and they say, look, there he is. So why is it fun? I don't know. I don't know. I'm not a child, Jordan. I don't know. Why is a fat man in the North Pole watching you all hours of the day fun?

That's already nerve-wracking. I don't need a physical manifestation. He's been worried about it since he was before 19. Honestly, I would call it troubling. But that's just me. Don't let him do it because you never know when he's going to hit you with it. You can't just pull it out of nowhere. So now this guy is slammed all over the food.

There was no Santa pancake or anything. He got nothing. The theming is interesting as well. First, Santa bumped Jesus, and now the elf on the shelf is bumping Santa. So Christ is in third place. I mean, that I know of. Maybe there's some other independence I'm not aware of but like as far as like the big three. The big three?

Yeah. Are Jesus Christ, Santa Claus, and Elf on a Shelf? Again, who was all over the promotions at IHOP? Just one guy.

One little guy. Not a single word of Santa. Yeah. Not one mention. You know? I also don't know what the elves had to do with the funnel cakes

and the... They're just there to take the credit. They didn't make it. They'd be crazy if they did because they were huge. They should have decorated the restaurant with some elves on shelves. I think as we were leaving,

they were beginning to decorate the restaurant. It's Christmas Eve. They were putting stuff up. No, that's not for us. I like Jordan's timeline. It's Christmas Eve. I'm not going to put out the narrative that this is what I was doing on Christmas Eve. I don't, you know, I don't need that.

Sorry, kids. Daddy's got to go to Iowa. I'm going to visit the elf on a shelf. You, Baxter's watching you. That's going to be my elf's name. I just invented that right now. That's a good one. It's better than Chippy's.

Years from now. That was something I said in confidence. You guys used personal information. This is the one and only time I wish this was a video podcast. Michael dropped his paper

and was wide-eyed staring at Jordan. Sorry, I just doxed your whole family. Yeah, dude. Now Chippy's got gotta get his name changed. He's gonna go to Argentina or something. Santa's gonna send a different elf. Yeah, Chippy's gonna go to the farm now when he gets executed because

you're just, oh my god. This is still about the food, though. Yeah. I wonder how much of that's gonna get cut out. Any minute we're gonna get to it. You guys demanded the explanation and you just wouldn't let me have it. No, you're, that to it you you guys demanded the explanation and you just wouldn't let me have it no you're that's it you were playing with your phone bottom line i don't get it let's get into some ihop facts what do we know about now okay so here's the thing if

you're an audio listener um we had two kind of test episodes of this show before it officially launched launched with the with the Popeye spicy chicken sandwich. And the first pilot came out with it, which was the Quattro Pizza. But basically we had another one that was just a video format for first members on our website, RoosterTeeth.com. So that one isn't on the audio. That's the only one not on the podcast networks. And we had IHOP as well. So this is our second.

It was the Addams Family family it was the adams family thing um so eric had to do some work here like you know reworking this this ihop fact sheet because this is the second fact sheet he's done these are new facts but also i don't remember any of the effects no i don't remember anything at all the only one we both remembered you brought it up was uh he mentioned he had it he had an ihB fact about the International House of Burgers. And the original one was like, and that's stupid. And he's like, I put that on and I had to take it off because we already used that.

Should have just been a reminder, honestly. But anyway, so here's, if you have listened to that episode or watched it, here is a brand new set of facts. The first International House of Pancakes was opened in Los Angeles in 1958 and wasn't called IHOP until 1973. Do you think people just

started calling it IHOP and then they were like hey we should run with that. Kind of like KFC did. KFC did it. Fridays did it. See I try to put the strongest fact first. Okay. Probably somebody else did it. You got a lot of heat for your fact last episode though. But it was the one that we went with. Well we didn't. You did. Yeah. Probably somebody else did it. You got a lot of heat for your fact last episode though. But it was the one that we went with. Well, we didn't. You did.

Yeah, us. You handed it to me. Not all of us. He said that the 11 herbs and spices were patented and people were like, well, it can't be patented because then they'd have to say what it is. But then Eric had a really good point where he replied no, I'm right. I'm inclined to agree. Case closed. Here's the thing. He's got a podcast and they don't.

Seems like he would have to know a lot to have that. So, seems like a fact to agree. Case closed. Here's the thing. He's got a podcast and they don't. Seems like you would have to know a lot to have that. So it seems like a fact to me. Fact number two. The lunch and dinner menus weren't added to IHOP until the 80s. Imagine getting a steak at IHOP then going, oh, that was great and exactly what I wanted to eat from here, the IHOP. Yeah. You know, I...

Has anyone ever eaten anything that's not breakfast at IHOP? I mean, I guess you can get steak and eggs, but even to me... Nick's nodding. What did you eat? The steak thing. The steak thing. He had the steak thing. Did you...

That's exactly what he wanted from IHOP. So Nick ate the steak. After you ate it, did you say, oh, that was great and exactly what I wanted from here, the IHOP? I was drunk, so yeah. He was drunk. Sounds right, to be honest. I feel like the only time that's ever appropriate to have a steak is with steak and eggs. But then I think, do I really want the steak from here?

And I still don't get it. Because why would I do that? It still seems risky. You know what I mean? You know the steak's not going to be good. I'm just hoping for decent eggs i'm just i'm just increasing the chances that this is gonna be awful if i add it's like i add steak you know what i mean it's on the side and even if i go at night like to an ihop i get the breakfast i don't know why you would

ever order anything else yeah yeah there's no reason reason. There really isn't. IHOP owns Applebee's. No! There is one hybrid IHOP slash Applebee's, and it is located in downtown Detroit, former stomping ground of the late Mike Illich. Rest in peace, big boy. Rest in peace, big Caesar. That's awesome. We were just talking about that guy today? Yeah. We saw peace, big Caesar. That's awesome.

We were just talking about that guy today? Yeah. We saw a picture of him for the first time. He is now my desktop background at work. That'll keep you awake. I'll tell you, it's a conversation starter when people walk by and see it. There's more to that fact. What do they call it?

This is Eric continuing. This is his question of the hybrid. I-hopple-bees? Apple-op? Complete waste of company resources? You decide. I'll be honest. How is I-hop bigger than Apple-bees?

I'll be honest, too, though. Dude, people love that slop. When I-hop bought Apple-bees, their plan was to close all the Applebee's and then put IHOP's inside of the restaurants where Applebee's was going to be. But Applebee's was making money. They reworked it and continued it together.

Let's keep the place with real food. Exactly. Got it. And then that's how I found out about the IHOPlebee's. Yeah. I like Appleop. I'm not going to knock you. It's good, but it's hard to follow Mike Illich.

I agree. You know what I mean? You had the punch and then finish. Just turning into a joke critique. I'm just saying. It was good, but you can't top the late Mike Illich. That's already got podcasts. I think I mostly wanted to write Ihopelbees.

It's also kind of fun to say. Ihopelbees. Ihop used to use a cartoon kangaroo as a mascot. His name was I hop. Get it? Anyway, he's dead now or they don't use him. I couldn't find rule 34 of him either. Well, you know what, Eric?

You just didn't look hard enough. If you ask me. You know what they say, though? If you can't find any you make your own Oh is that what well yeah I guess I have something to do after this Merry Christmas. Yeah dude Thank you Eric. When you say he's

dead or whatever did they use like a live action kangaroo? No he's just making a joke He's making a joke. I think maybe they went eh he's dead now I do hate to watch like old movies that features animals and think about how that dog's dead now or something. I mean, it doesn't really have to be an old movie. Dogs don't live that long.

Could be a relatively new movie. If you watch a five-year-old movie, that dog could be dead. I'm just saying. I'm just throwing that out there to blow your mind. But it could be. I mean, yeah. It could be. If you watch a really old one, there's no two ways about it.

Yeah, along with people. Sure. Yeah, but that's not a sad. You know what I mean, yeah. It could be. If you watch a really old one, there's like, there's no two ways about it. Yeah, along with people. Sure. Yeah, but that's not sad. You know what I mean? You watch a really old movie, you go, that guy's dead. The Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity started on the menu in 1985. I, this is Eric, refuse to order the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity because I will not say those words to another human person.

Rootinist. There were some borderline words on the menu today similar to that. Oh, I had to say them all. What you did say, and I think... I'm surprised you didn't just say, give me the funnel cakes. You were like, can I get the oh what funnel cakes? Uh-huh. Jordan actually commented

that when you ordered it. He was like, I'm really glad you said it. This is it. This is the final fact here. In 2011, Matt Megatode Stoney. Who? Matt Megatode, that's in quotations, Stoney. Must be his nickname.

Ate 66 pancakes in one sitting. Everything about that sentence sounds made up. It would definitely be made up if he had eaten three more. If he had just eaten 69, that would have been great. I couldn't get through three. Granted, he didn't have the whole spread.

Dude, he... You know what I mean? Yeah. And he wasn't eating them Jolly Cakes. 66 pancakes is probably close to what we ordered individually today, which Eric screamed to share and I refused. There was so much food. I think he was like, please don't do this to me.

There was so much food. And as people are like, obviously they got their finger on the pulse. They've listened to every episode. They know the ins and outs. They know who we are as people. They're wondering, was Nick there? Did he get invited? He did, but he was busy.

So he couldn't make it. So I said, hey, wrap this up. We got to bring him back a little something. I wanted to but he was busy. So he couldn't make it. So I said, hey, wrap this up. We gotta bring him back a little something. I wanted to bring him back everything. Most of it was half-eaten food, though. So I think we just grabbed him some... He's showing the carcass now. He ate a bunch of it.

He had pancakes and the funnel cake, I think, he got brought back. That looks radioactive. If you want to check it out, you can go on the Twitter, at FaceJamPod. That's right. So if you're saying, hey, I wish I could look at the food or see you at the restaurant, because we usually catalog it pretty well. We made

a Twitter account at FaceJamPod. That's short for podcast. That's short for podcast. There's no pod people or anything like that. We're all real people. No P's in the pod. And it'll just have pictures of the food and the experiences. And good tweets. You probably won't see Nick on there.

We don't want to do that. Maybe we'll take a picture of his foot or something. He's just always barely off screen. Yeah, he's here. He's a person. Barely, but he's here. And I want people to know that. He's definitely not canned laughter.

No, not at all. He's live laughter. Yeah. He just took a bite of his funnel cake and he looked pissed the whole time. As he was chewing, he was wondering what the rate of chew to minutes off his life

was. This episode of Face Jam is brought to you by DoorDash. If you had a long day at work, tough day at school, still stuck at the office, treat yourself to the meal you deserve and have your favorite restaurants come to you with DoorDash. That's right. You're sitting there. You're playing games. You're about to get that frag. You don't want to stop playing. But you're hungry. You're feeling the need.

Boom. DoorDash. You bust out the app. Boop, boop, boop. Get whatever you want. There's over 340,000 restaurants. You don't have time to eat at every single one of them. You have too many options. If there's a problem, it's that there's too many options.

That's the problem you want. Right now, our listeners can get $5 off their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter promo code FACE, our listeners can get $5 off their first order of $15 or more when you download the DoorDash app and enter promo code FACEJAM. That's $5 off your first order when you download the DoorDash app from the App Store and enter promo code FACEJAM. Don't forget that promo code FACEJAM. That's this podcast you're listening to. For $5 off your first order from DoorDash, $5 off your first order from DoorDash. DoorDash.

Treat yourself to some food right where you are currently sitting or standing right now. Thanks, DoorDash. What's on the IHOP Elf on a Shelf menu? Well, we kind of already talked about it. No, we didn't go into the deets.

Not at all. We gotta hit the deets. We gotta really slam into it. That was the whole pounding off conversation we had earlier. Pound off on these. I'll finish off on you. I'll take the first one, you take the second one. Okay, sure. Thanks. Oh, we'll tag team it. Pounding off together. Why is everything so funny to you? Why is everything so funny to you? Oh, what funnel cakes.

Oh, what funnel cakes. Here's what pisses me off. He's laughing, but he's doing it quietly. Here's what pisses me off. He's laughing, but he's doing it quietly. So people don't know that he's laughing at our funny jokes. That's what really pisses me off He's laughing but he's doing it quietly So people don't know that he's laughing at our funny jokes That's what's really pissing me off You got a microphone? That's gonna be great We'll give that to Nick I swear to god

Banging it on the table Oh what funnel cakes feature Two golden crispy funnel cakes Lightly dusted With powdered sugar And topped with glazed strawberries Whipped topping and shimmery elf sprinkles I want to talk about these Is that what we were eating? cakes, lightly dusted with powdered sugar and topped with glazed strawberries, whipped topping, and shimmery elf sprinkles.

I want to talk about these elf sprinkles for a second. Is that what we were eating? Those were shimmery elf sprinkles? Yeah. Because that shit was on everything. They were like these little chocolate balls. I would not in any way call them sprinkles. No, they were not.

I have a very clear definition in my mind of what a sprinkle or a Jimmy is, if you're one of those weirdos. Jimmy's a name, not a thing. Right. I don't know why.'m shocked i agree with you uh but yeah they were like they were hard they were very hard i took a bite so like at one point i was they're very tiny eating the funnel cake and i was like let me get everything in here so i got some of the strawberry some of the whipped cream some of the quote unquote sprinkles and took a bite and uh don't know why i did that because boy my tooth came right down on top of one of those bad boys and

just crunched it it very much rides a line of like they're they're not so hard like they look like marbles though they're like tiny little ball bearings yeah you wouldn't want to just put that in your mouth and chomp it no if they if they were silver, I would be like, they look like BBs. That's what they look like. They do look like BBs. They're red and green BBs. They're so big, they're like borderline ornaments. And like, you can bite them, but they're like a little harder than they should

be. They're not like jawbreakers, but you gotta work it. But then also, I don't know why I felt like they were gonna taste minty, but they don't at all. They probably should, because they, I couldn't figure out what it was it was fucking weird how did they like the texture of a nerd right like also a hint of chocolate it was a chocolate which is not what a sprinkle is it was a chocolate bb nerd ball it was very confusing I don't know what the hell it was that's what a shimmery not until this piece of paper saying sprinkles, I thought, why didn't they just use sprinkles?

That would have been way better. Shimmery elf sprinkles is just more fun. Maybe they would have dissolved too easily in the mountain of sugar and syrup and goo and cream. Dude, it was just, oh my God. It was icing and sprinkles and whipped cream and syrup. It was fucking crazy. The last fucking thing it needed were those sprinkles.

Honestly. They were taken out of the kitchen and went, that's not enough! We need more shit on this. God, okay. Then there were the jelly cakes. Those were pancakes. Two fluffy green pancakes topped with sweet cream cheese icing, whipped topping, and again

shimmery elf sprinkles. They were fucking sweet. It didn't taste like a regular pancake. Like, just the pancake itself, it tasted sweeter than, like, their normal pancakes. I mean, I don't know how you would suss out what the pancake tasted like in that pile. Is it the green? What happened to the pancakes where there was a crater in the middle? It was like a donut.

Whoa. It was like a donut. It was like a donut. Whoa. It was like a donut. We left it sitting long enough for some chemical reaction to transpire where in the middle of the stack of pancakes, it just kind of started sinking. Yeah. Like all the whipped cream, whatever icing's on there.

There's the weak point. And the sprinkles. The furthest from the edge. Yeah. They just started sinking into the bottom and created a pool of all those ingredients. Kind of reminded, it was like something out of Chernobyl, you know? Yeah, you mentioned it being like radioactive, and I said it was like a piece of graphite was right in the middle of the pancake, and it was just like evaporating everything around it. It was weird.

Yeah, it was a strange phenomenon to watch. I wish, I wish. It's like nature. I wish we had a time lapse of it so you could see it slowly sink. Eric, next time bring the tripod. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that. Set it up on the table.

Yeah, you got it. I'll slow-mo guys it. Don't worry about it. Thank you. Yeah. And then where's the, oh, no, you do this one. Here we go. So the holiday ham and sausage omelet.

So this is the closest to food. This is real food. If you're going to go there and eat food and not just a bag of sugar, this is it. This is for the grown-ups who wanted to... I didn't feel grown-up. Who want to partake in the Elfinish shelf menu? Yep. So it was... It says, our fluffy omelet.

IHOP's, clearly. IHOP's fluffy omelet loaded with diced ham and sausage, fire-roasted peppers and onions, hash browns and cheddar cheese, topped with more diced ham and sausage, peppers and onions, cheddar cheese, and white cheddar cheese sauce. Goodness gracious, there's a lot of things in there. I'll be honest, too.

Looking at this, it's cheddar cheese and white cheddar cheese sauce. Was there not sour cream on that, too? That was the cheddar cheese sauce, my boy. So there wasn't. Are you nodding? There wasn't sour cream? There was no sour cream. I thought that was sour. Are you sure? Yes, it was white cheddar cheese sauce.

Because the Addams Family thing did have sour cream. Yes. And it tasted the same. Weird. Well, I'm the IHOP. I'm renamed the same thing. I'm shook. I'll be honest. I thought that was sour cream as I was eating it. I don't know that they didn't add sour cream

and just didn't. It's not on this list. Maybe white cheddar cheese sauce just happens to taste like sour cream. That seems weird. I know what cheese tastes like. I know what cream tastes like. I'm going to have to research that one more. Maybe check out the Twitter account if I get any. You can zoom in on some pictures. If I discover

anything post this show because now I need to head back to the lab and do some science. It's a foot. That thing was a monster. It was huge. It was absolutely enormous. It's like a whole breakfast in an omelet. I don't know how many eggs it is. It doesn't tell you, but it was like... It was enough. It could have been like five. It could have been a carton.

If you had to guess, how many eggs would you say? I would honestly guess like five eggs. I think minimal. I don't think it could be under four. I don't think it could be under four. I mean, it was massive. And there was a, they're not wrong, there was a ton of meat. It's very dense, so it's not just like wrapped or folded once. It was like snaked in there. Yeah.

They snaked it in. Maybe six. They did it. They snaked it. And then finally, the thing Eric ordered for himself that he didn't want. It's the thing Eric ordered for himself that he didn't want. The merry marshmallow hot cocoa, rich hot chocolate flavored with toasted marshmallow syrup and topped with whipped topping and shimmery elf sprinkles. Not whipped cream.

Whipped topping. Yeah. We had that again to go back to the Adam's family thing. Same thing. But you didn't. Nobody listened to you. It was whipped topping. That one was also very sweet and didn't need any more things in it than it had.

It tasted like melted ice cream. That was the first thing we had, and it was like, whew. I got through it. You drank the whole thing? You drank the whole fucking thing. That was wild. Why? Because it was in front of us,

and I didn't want it to get cold. We found out later. You drank it so quick. I got it before we got the food. that was gone before the food showed up we found out later that there was a smaller size that we could have ordered right that was the call that mentioned earlier where i'm sitting there looking and there was a two of the same thing on the picture the exact same thing called the exact same thing they They're both called like the Merry Marshmallow Hot Cocoa, but one of them was like Elf. Little Elf.

Little Elf Merry Marshmallow Hot Cocoa. And it was just like. It was a smaller cup. That was like a regular like coffee cup, whereas this one was more of like one of those cups that like a woman would drink out of while having like a shawl on. You know what I mean? And like some kind of commercial. She's like watching

your kids go to school and she's like be safe. And she'd be drinking it with two hands. One of those big ass mugs and then the other one was just like a regular coffee cup. She's holding the mug with one hand and then her shawl closed with the other. And I said, why the hell didn't we get that? It's the same thing. Like we just wouldn't have had to drink that giant

vat of cocoa. And Eric said, uh, well that's for a little elf. And then I said, I'm a little elf. With no hint of irony, just shark-eyed at me. I'm a little elf. Don't tell me what I am and am not.

Okay, I could have ordered that and that guy would have been like, one little elf coming up. We also didn't really mention the waiter was- Kind of trying to talk us out of all the food we ordered. Rightfully so. Eric ordered the food, and it was like two of everything, and the guy just stared at us, and then Eric stared at him, and nothing was happening,

and then Eric just kind of nudged the menus closer to him like, okay, that's it. You're done. We're done now. We ordered and you you wrote it down and he was like just so you know the funnel cakes come with two funnel cakes there's two and i just went just two of them i went yeah just two or whatever yeah bring us two whatever this is there's two just show that means four bring it to show the cook a picture of the menu and say two of these three times. And he did it. Yeah. We got it all.

We got it done. Despite his protests, we got all that food. Then the food came out and I went, this is way too much. And Eric kind of lost it. I was furious. Oh my god. Oh man. Let's see how Iop explains this one.

Quote, we're so excited to ring in the holidays by announcing a partnership between Iop and the Elf on the Shelf. That's a brand? Two beloved family brands. That blows my mind. What is this name? Go ahead. Go ahead. Eliza Gmelich?

Maybe the G silent.ich uh vice president marketing at ihop our culinary team returned one morning to our kitchens only to find oh fuck only to find that scout elves had snuck in and created colorful whimsical food that deserved its own menu although in typical elf fashion they left behind a bit of holiday magic. So this woman's crazy. She's lost her mind. Right? Does she think that's real? I don't know. I didn't know Elf on a Shelf was like a name brand.

Yeah. Me neither. It kind of ruins the magic of it. You own Santa. Right? Brought to you by the Santa Company. Well, I mean, all you gotta do now is create your own thing that knocks Jesus Christ down another notch.

Just leave him alone. If you got any ideas about how to knock Jesus Christ down, tweet at us, let us know what you think. I mean, the spear worked the first time, right? Well, if the crucifix didn't get him. Merry Christmas, one and all. That's in the Bible.

Yeah, 100%. Right in the rib. He was fine, though. He came back. Move that boulder right out of the way. He came back. Took a couple days off. Yeah, he came back.

He probably pissed because he missed all the specials. He comes back in Santa and Elf on the Shelf? Or like, what the fuck? Three days that all happened. It's a bummer. I'm a little confused on the timeline, though. But then he came back and it was Easter. Yeah.

Who knows? Yeah, we already have a holiday there. Was the bunny in the cave? So is he? No. Did he find the eggs there? I'm out. I'm free.

Christmas is getting really crowded. Is there a way we can add an Easter thing that moves the rabbit down one and Christ down one again? Oh, like an Easter replacement? Yeah, like an elf on a shelf, but for Easter. Oh, we'll have to workshop that. Bun on the gun? What does that mean exactly? Bunny on the gun.

So now there's two Easter bunnies? No, this bunny has a gun. But he's on the gun or he has a gun? It's a giant gun he rides in. Sounds like Bonnie also has two guns. He also has two guns. He's got an M16 strapped to his back. Oh, this is going to take off in America.

This is a good idea. I wasn't on board. I'm on board now. What are we talking about? You said it. I don't know. Before this, what were we talking about? Nothing. We were done. We were talking about the name you couldn't pronounce, the vice president marking it IHOP. And that's it. That's it. We're done. Then the back is just where

Eric tells us what to do. What do you think of the food? I think I have thoughts and I'll tell them after you. I think the same thing. I bet you don't. 98. That's what you're giving it?

No. That's what you're giving it? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Jesus. Elf on the Shelf. There you go. For Elf on the Shelf.

Guy's got a great manager. That's all I'm saying. He's a successful brand. Good brand images. Very on brand. The omelet was really good. If I was hungry and I went to that IHOP and I only ordered that omelet, I would have left a very satisfied customer.

Fortunately, I already had lunch. Crazy. You knew we were doing this today. I knew. And Eric warned us there are four items. Eric had lunch too. I also went and had lunch. Yeah, but you don't rate it.

That's fine. Exactly. Do whatever the hell you want. Look, I ate enough to make an informed opinion. Yep. Eric had lunch too. I also went and had lunch. Yeah, but you don't rate it. That's fine. Exactly. Do whatever the hell you want. Look, I ate enough to make an important opinion. Okay. And then you wanted to take a nap afterwards. You moaned on the couch. I took a picture. That'll be on the Twitter.

Yeah, it was a little rough. The omelet's great. Very similar to the Addams Family thing. The omelet was probably the strongest thing. And also a lot. Very similar to the Addams Family thing. The omelet was probably the strongest thing. And also a lot of similar ingredients to the Addams Family. It's very similar. Damn near the same thing. Again, I noted as I was eating it.

Except for the sour cream. Oh, they added sour cream on this one, too. And I still am in disbelief that there wasn't sour cream on that. Was it sour cream on the other one, too? Or was it? There was sour cream on the Gomez Addams Omelet. Because I remember thinking, I've never had sour cream with an omelet. This is awesome, is what I thought for the Gomez thing. The Gomez. Gomez Adams omelet. Because I remember thinking, I've never had sour cream with an omelet.

This is awesome, is what I thought for the Gomez thing. The Gomez. The Gomez. The Gomez thing. And then I thought that again, I guess incorrectly today. Yeah, you like white cheese sauce. They need a little elf version of that omelet, though, for the little elves. Or like a human.

It was huge. They need a two to three egg version right where the like you just make it to scale that was really good you get like bits and pieces of different things every time you eat it i had to take like bites from like different sides because some had hash brown some had the sausage sausage was really good i don't know what the fuck's going on with these pancakes like they're green they're bright green they't look great. They got the sprinkles on them. I don't know how you saw the pancake under that mess. You know what I mean? The icing was also like

jizzed on top and then like the topping was melting as well. It dripped down the side. Yeah, I don't know what was going on with the icing. It was oozing after the initial squirt. Thank you. Oh, yeah. I get it now. It'll take a whole episode.

You were talking about pancakes. This is my favorite podcast. I don't know why it was melting. Why were the pancakes melting? I get why everything else was melting because the pancakes were probably hot. I don't know why the pancakes were melting. That was crazy. If we had left it there long enough, would it have been through the plate?

It would have had to lick the plate. Through the table? Now it's going through you. Oh, God. Maybe that's why I had to take a nap. The funnel cake, it tastes like every funnel cake you ever had before. The strawberries were fine. They didn't really do anything, take away anything.

The cocoa, way too sweet. And it also didn't taste like chocolate. It kind of just tasted like very artificially sweetened for the sake of kids drinking it. Kind of sweet, you know? What flavor is that? Artificial okay flavor on chocolate uh so it's it's really hard like it's a lot like a lot of the adams family a lot of food there are things that like work in its favor and things that don't the thing about it i would almost argue is no human should go and get all

four of these things. And that's what we did. Right. You could pick one, maybe two. Nobody's going to eat it the way we did. Don't get all four. Yeah. Maybe just get one thing.

Right. But that's what we have to rate. So, yeah, on the whole, rating it on a scale of 1 to 100, based solely on the product that I consumed. Wild. I think 66. Okay. Two-thirds. The same number of pancakes Megatoad.

You remembered. You remembered his name. I guess it stuck. I guess it stuck. That's a good name. Who is he? He ate the pancakes, dude. Oh, okay.

That's what he's famous for. In Santa Clara, California in 2011. Not that long ago. Nope. But long enough, he could be dead. Like a dog. Years have gone by. If that guy had a dog, that dog's dead.

He's dead and his dog's dead. His dog's definitely dead if he had one. I'm just saying. Unless it was like a brand new puppy. If it was a smaller dog, odds are it's still alive. But then you never know. They can get cancer. They get tumors.

You never know. This is, but then you never know. They can get cancer. They get tumors. The point is, you never know. This is really sad. I'm preparing the audience. You know what I mean? Like, what you know and love will die. So what did you think of the food? That's what I was getting. So, omelet.

You started there, right? Omelet. It was good. It was honestly too big. It was way too big. Even if I was hungry, I wasn't going to finish that. The fact that they didn't offer a smaller portion is kind of crazy. That they would just assume Is that what a normal person orders? Is that what all their omelettes are? I will say. Are they all that big?

Hell no. The Gomez one was not that big. It was big. It wasn't that big, dude. It was pretty big. Just so you guys know, it was supposed to come with pancakes, like regular pancakes, but he put our stacks of pancakes to save us money. Oh, okay.

So again, like a normal human, it was one item. I know who Trevor is. But it was just absurdly large, where I would not want to eat that not doing a show just going i could eat breakfast that that's a two-person meal for sure yeah um but the omelet was good the cheese was good the the fake sour cream sauce was good i really liked it i'm still blown away that that wasn't sour cream cheddar cheese sauce sir sauce, sir. Here's the wild part, and you said this in the restaurant,

or maybe it was right after we left, and I was like, whoa. I hated the sausage. Really? Yeah. I was like, the one thing that killed it for me was, I did not like the sausage. I kept getting bits of that. And it was in every single damn bite.

I couldn't not eat the sausage. I went digging around for the sausage. And I was just like, get this damn sausage out of here. The ham was too diced for me. See, I like diced ham. I like the little cubes. You know, that's like my little elf self. Your little elf, yeah.

Likes the ham. But other than the sausage, I enjoyed the omelet as a whole, except the fact that it was too big. Then the pancakes, they were, again, insane. Just insane amount of sugar you had one bite i had a couple bites but it was it's just too much damn sugar more than enough yeah that aside i honestly thought they were good i actually like the pancakes i thought the pancakes were like pretty solid not physically solid they were melting into clearly not to nothingness but god it's just like under the layers of seven different kinds of sugars. Could you imagine eating a stack of those and the omelet as IHOP God intended?

No. Absolutely not. It was crazy. The other thing I was going to mention is I don't know where exactly what items. If it was just the pancakes, one of them was available in like a half size. The pancakes. It was just the pancakes. But again, they didn't have that option for the omelet that i'm aware no which is crazy order it and say i'll

pay full price just cut it right please don't even bring me give me less yeah don't even bring me the other um pancakes are pretty good the funnel cake boy let me tell you i'm a fan of funnel cake it's one of the few like sweets that i enjoy i I thought it was fucking awful. I hate it. It was terrible. It was way too hard. Like way too hard. It's supposed to be crispy, but like fluffy and you could rip it. It was like fucking hard.

Way, way too little powdered sugar. It was almost none. I put a bite on like a fork at one point and like raised it to put it in my mouth and it like shattered. Yeah. Midway. In transportation. It was like burnt grass, you know, where it's just like crunchy and just like dead. And I literally— They were also like really tiny.

Most funnel cakes are like big, and that's how they're able to like— They're wide and thin. Yeah. This was like small and thick, super thick. I just had a funnel cake like three weeks ago. And it was good. It was perfect. I mean, I still wanted to die and vomit after I ate it. Yes.

But eating it, I was like, fuck, this is a good funnel cake. It was at Six Flags. How much powder sugar was on that one that you got at Six Flags? I mean, a lot, but like an even coat. You know? Yeah. This was barely any on these. I actually, when we talked about this a while ago, the thing I was excited the most about was the funnel

cake. Not knowing there'd be 17 other sugared dishes. And I was just like this sucks. I hated it. I flat out hated the funnel cake. And then the hot cocoa I was fine with. It definitely tasted like artificial chocolate. I think the fucking hard

sprinkle balls in there ruined it. Those things, like, I didn't I just, those things were like, I didn't hate them, but they were like, what are you doing? It's just like, I can just drink this and call it a day. But now basically just because of that,

I need the fucking spoon. You know, you can put whipped cream or whatever the fuck they called it with topping. You can put it in there and still not have a spoon. Like you can slurp a little up or it'll melt or whatever. Get the things out of the way. The balls were just like, stop adding this i feel like they like i hot bought something and they're like we'll throw in a barrel these balls it was probably the elf on the shelf brand insisted

that was part of the con if you want the elf you buy the balls or else uh or break yours so they were in everything and they were totally worthless they should have put it on the omelet dude you could have just got rid of them they even it's even they knew, like, no, we can't go that far. We'll put them on everything else but not the omelet. So it was a roller coaster, man. It was like the omelet was good, but there were some parts I didn't like. The pancakes I was fine with, but I would never eat them. It was just way too much.

Hated the funnel cake. Cocoa was whatever. I'm going to give it like a real human, you know, number 60. Interesting. That's a number. And that's high. I feel like that's high for me. For what I ate.

Okay. Sure, yeah. That's sugar? That's a word for it. Yeah, dude. Do you want me to change it? Not at all. How much of that is the omelet?

The omelet's probably most of it. Yeah. The only thing I disliked about the omelet was the size and the sauce. How much of that is the funnel cake wearing it down? The funnel cake is most of it. The pancakes and the cocoa probably are non-existent. Of that 40. I think the 60 is like a 100

or like a 90 something for an omelette and then like a 40 or something for the fucking funnel cake. The funnel cake was disappointing. You can do better and we deserve better. That's just what I'm saying.

They should really just stick to what they know. That's a 63. Average of a 63. Honestly, as I say that, I feel like that's not fair. I feel like it should be lower, but that's the score we've given. I mean, it seems proportionate to the amount of the strengths and weaknesses of the menu. That's true. That's true.

You can't weigh it down too much because of the fucking shitty phone case. It's weighing me down. It's been weighing me down since before we left the restaurant hey it's been weighing me down since since before we left the restaurant been weighing you down since before you ate i could see the look on your face oh yeah just um trudging along another another day on the podcast nothing too crazy about the rest unfortunately i couldn't really this was mostly the food and i hate to say that the score was mostly the food no yeah no hijinks you that. The score was mostly the food. Yeah, no hijinks at the restaurant. You got in and out of your car properly,

and the restaurant had people in it. They were eating. That was the IHOP that in town somebody robbed at knife point, so I was hoping something exciting was going to happen. Nothing. Nothing, just a regular old Christmas Eve day. Spending it with the ones you tolerate yeah there was there was a there was a sign there was like a big uh not painting but some sort of like advertisement or banner hanging over a couple of booths and it said something like pancakes

are always more enjoyable when you when you eat them with family and friends and i was gonna take a picture of it, but there was a bunch of jokers sitting under it. And one, them in the picture. And two, them to be like, why are you taking a picture of us? And I'd be like, quiet, you. I'm taking a picture of this thing behind you. Why are you taking a picture of that sign?

Yeah, before my podcast. Don't ask questions. And that's the IHOP, Elf on a Shelf. Yep. Whatever. The Gambit. The Gambit. Was it better? and that's the IHOP health on a shelf whatever the gambit we've done IHOP twice now was it better than the Adams family menu? I feel like it wasn't

yeah I can agree with that I recall enjoying the Adams family more that one had problems that were not within our control true that one we ate off-site. This we were there. I feel like I still enjoyed that one more.

Of the things I liked in that one, I liked more than the things I liked in this one. I would say that omelet was almost perfect for me. I don't even remember what the hell was in it. I just remember going, I'm sucking this down. And this one was like, eh, you know, I have complaints. Well, that's Face Jim. Yep. Be sure to rate and

subscribe and tell a friend about the show where we eat the food and then rate the food. If you don't have any friends, just tell anyone. There's not someone on the street. Michael did it when we were at KFC. Yeah, I just told the guy. And then, and then, the guy, I mean, he said he was gonna. We don't know that he was. But, after

we recorded it, he ended up, like, replying to a picture I'd posted from the KFC, and he was like, hey, I'm going to listen to the show. And then someone of you was like, we got him. Yeah, ladies and gentlemen, we got him. We got him. And then he probably didn't. Yeah, probably not.

But, like, we might have gotten that Brink security guy. There you go. We might have got him. Not a little thing uh we haven't started it yet because you know the new episode just went out right uh but if you have any snacks you want to send us to review we're gonna do a little short like a bit at the end where we might just do like a super quick review on some little weirdo snacks i think you're like one bite i think i think you get the snack that we that we haven't had you take one bite and then

boom what's your and that's Then that's like listener interaction. Exactly. That's the thing. Yeah. And we'll call you out and tell you that your snack was bad. You will, for sure. Or you will, for sure. I will, for sure.

That's an option? You can send it to Face Jam at 1901 East 51st Street, Austin, Texas, 78723. That's Face Jam, like your face, and then jam. Gotta put that... If you don't put a space, we won't get it. Where is it going to go? And again, if you want to see pictures of the food or us at the restaurant, follow the Face Jam

Twitter account at Face Jam Pod. Very informative. Very funny. Just like this podcast. Just, dude, perfect ending. Bye.