100% Eat - LIVE IN CHICAGO - Lou Malnati's Deep Dish & Crustless Pizza

Episode Date: February 22, 2022

In this Bonus episode, Michael Jones and Jordan Cwierz eat and review Lou Malnati's Deep Dish & Crustless Pizza so you know if it's worth eating. They also talk about a surprise from Michael's Ex, Chicago guys, a lengthy press material section, and a very regional Snack Attack. This episode was recorded Live in Chicago at Thalia Hall on February 11, 2022. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is a Rooster Teeth Production. What's up? Where's the format? It's right here, baby. When did you write this? What time is it right now? 9.26. 9.26. Sit.

When did we get here? I got here. I wrote this. When did we sign posters? I wrote it then. Then my SIM card died. Then they gave me a free one because my phone background was old dirty bastard

from Wu-Tang Clan. That is probably why you got it. That's absolutely true. He said I like your background also you can have this for free. Yep. How am I supposed to read this?

What do you mean? Don't worry about it. I got this ready. Hey. Here you, here you. Stop. Can you chill out? Two seconds here.

No I'm setting you up. Welcome to Face Jam the show where we try every new fast food creation to let you know if you need it, you probably do. I'm your host, Michael Jones, alongside my co-host, my friend, my lover. That was loud. Of food, Jordan Sweers. Jordan, how are you?

I'm scared. Jordan, I had that. I said, I'm going to call Jordan my lover and then make a beat and then say of food like three days ago. I've been excited ever since. That was right around the time you decided to become excited. Look, I'm excitable. Did you also text Eric at one o'clock in the morning about that? No,

I'm an excitable person. Yeah. We're in Chicago. Yeah. What are you doing? There's so many people here I can't see. Yeah. And ghosts I also can't see. Yeah, if there's an empty seat near you, it's filled by a ghost, a former jammer.

That's what we're telling everyone. Hey, Eric, don't you have something to say to me about what say to you oh hey michael what's up it's a nice jacket oh thank you what'd you get a new jacket let me tell you the animals we work with i bought a coat because i was like chicago is cold let me buy a a coat. A $50 coat at most? Every single person. It was $109. Every single person said, oh, my God, that's a nice coat.

And I was just like, because it doesn't have a hood. It's not a hoodie. It's astounding how many people they go. Normally, myself and everyone I work with is a piece of trash. Nice coat. Is everyone just coming up to you and going, oh. I mean, yeah. Yeah. It's a lot. It's pretty consistent. It's a whole bunch of people who I guess just don't know how to dress. They say, nice coat.

I'm not kidding. I'm serious. It's a nice coat. Well, that was mostly a guy we know named Blaine. Who couldn't stop apologizing. Blaine said it. I mean, for real. Blaine said it. He's like, where'd you get it? I went, online. And then we had a conversation and he went, but seriously, so you're not going to tell me

where you got it? And I was like, Amazon, Blaine. It came in a bag. It came up rolled in a bag. And then he said, I'm sorry. Yeah, oh, well, I told him to look at the floor. I'm sorry.

As a friend of mine. I'm sorry. But, okay, let's see. Hang on. This is why I make the sheet. Quiet. Today, we're reviewing Illuminati's deep dish pizza. Watch.

Woo! Now, what do you think the ratio was? I think that the VIP definitely lures. New rock stars definitely lures. People in the back, definitely booing. Right. So we had a little pre-Q&A where we said, when we mention it, chant Lou,

and then everyone else will probably think you're booing and start booing. And I think most people booed. Yeah. Well, I'm fine with that because now the expectations are below the table. Well, now they're at face jam levels. I'm booed everywhere I go.

Or you lewd everywhere you go. No, I'm definitely lewd. I know that for sure. All right. Okay. Past experience with the restaurant. Never heard of it. I don't know how long.

I've spent a lot of time in Chicago O'Hare. I was just here in Chicago O'Hare in November. I had a connection. I'm usually sprinting. Yeah. Typically the worst airport I connect in. Oh, it's the worst. Everything's delayed forever. Yeah, yeah airport I connect in. Oh, it's the worst. It's absolutely.

Everything's delayed forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I like, it's not even people like cheering or booing. It's everyone just going, yeah, I mean, yeah. One person wooed and they somehow make money when people's flights are delayed. Oh, shit. Hang on. Oh, no.

Are you okay? It's my ex calling me. Are you serious? Oh. Hold on. Should I put it on speaker? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She doesn okay? It's my ex calling me. Are you serious? Oh. Hold on. Should I put it on speaker? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She doesn't know he's here.

Hang on, hang on, hang on. Hello? Hey, we just got a package delivery from Dirt Rat Deliveries. What the fuck? Come on. I'm, I'm, well. Do you, what's, I don't even have a receipt for this. I told you, look, I told you I'm doing a show right now.

This sucks. Yeah, but this is so much dirt, Michael. It's too much. I don't know what to do with all this. There are rats everywhere. Where are the kids? Give them the dirt. What?

They're with the rats, but it's beside the point. That's not what the problem is here. The problem is the lack of transparency in the relationship. That's the issue. Whoa. This is turning into a thing. I'll be right back. I'll's the issue. Whoa! Oh, Jesus. I'll be right back. I'll be right back.

I'll be right back. Oh. Uh, um... What the fuck? Did he just... Did Michael just... Is this wedding our whistle, or are we still talking about the food?

This sucks! Michael! Is this wetting our whistle, or are we still talking about the food? This sucks! Michael! Is this for real? He's really fucking gone. Uh. Eric, Eric. Just for a sec. How do you feel about Lou and his food in general uh well michael i would have

to say having never heard of him i thought it was a typo and his name was illuminati uh and i thought it was gonna be like secret society themed restaurant uh much more blue collar focused than I expected. He really left. You know, he kept saying before the show in the green room, he was like, alright, I'm gonna head out. And I was like, haha, good one, Michael. He really kept saying, I'm gonna head out. I'm gonna head out.

If you think that something... I don't know where he went and I don't know what is going on and what I'm living right now is everything I've ever feared. As a producer, this sucks. I would kill to be the sauce monkey right now and have nothing to do, but no!

No! We can't We can't He's just kidding guys Oh my god So we did go to Lumin I guess we'll just Okay So we went to Luminati today

So we've been in Chicago since This time last night Yeah about 24 hours Yeah I've been to Chicago one other time And don't remember anything about it We walked by a Target That I know I've been to Chicago one other time and don't remember anything about it. We walked by a Target that I know I've been to downtown where, like, nope. Nope.

I thought I heard something. Not him. It wasn't Michael. Nope. Been to Chicago a handful of times. Great. Been to Luminati's. Lou Malnati's.

Not Illuminati. Different thing. Been there a couple of times. It's, boy, it's pizza. I saw somebody do this in the crowd. I don't like it. There's, not Illuminati. Different thing. Been there a couple of times. It's, boy, it's pizza. I saw somebody do this in the crowd. I don't like it. There's a secret. I do.

There's a secret. Try being ha. I don't like it. Ha! Been there a couple of times, and it's always that thing where it's like, this tastes like what I think Chicago tastes like. What?

And that is, you're going to be upset about that, I understand. Nope. We chose this restaurant because it's not a limited time thing, but we felt like it was a very, like, boilerplate Chicago thing, right? It's very, like... Yeah, we were looking at restaurants that, like, are Chicago-based and also kind of ubiquitous in the city and our calling card's an iconic.

So we had to go with either, you know, if not a Chicago dog, then definitely deep dish pizza. Michael? No? Okay. So yeah, we picked Lou's only because I've been to Giordano's before. Yeah.

And whenever you bring that up to a Chicagoan, Chicagoite. The last 24 hours has been surrounded by people just going, Chicago! Chicago! And it's just him and Michael. Chicago! Hey, hey. I'm Chicago over here.

I feel like people are really split on those restaurants. Chicago! Someone say Chicago! What? Did you say Chicago? What? Did you say Chicago? Are you Bugsy Malone or Al Capone? Are you Al Capone? Who's that?

You can get out of the seat now. That took, whoa, whoa. Look at this. Look at this pinstripe suit. Yeah. Look at this pinstripe suit. Yeah. Yeah. You may notice I forgot my tie in my hotel room, so Wes made one out of paper towels.

You know, I was wondering what that was for. He spent about 25 minutes before the show. Very committed. That's a full Windsor knot right there. This is when I got excited. That took... You put on a full suit. Wait, I... Where?

No! No! It's very hastily thrown together. Oh, thank God. He just walked... He just walked... You gotta have trusted guys. You gotta have trusted guys. He's my number one.

He's my trusted guy. Watch out. He looks like... Do it. You can have it back. No! This bit is insane. You left for 10 minutes. It looks like he's the guy who runs the rum up from Cuba. It's so hot in here.

It's so hot. I was going to say, this is clearly very hastily thrown together on Michael's part because when he got up, I watched him go and his shirt is all untucked in the back. Oh, that's the style. Untucked shirt, riddled with syphilis.

I got the brain capacity of an eight-year-old. That's how we do it in Chicago. I let it gobble my brain. So how do you feel about Lou Malnati's in general? He's a good guy. It's all right. Oh, did you know Papa Malnati?

There's a picture with Lou and Papa. God rest his soul. Gone too soon. Papa. He's one of the good Papas. Oh, you're saying there's a bad Papa? Not the other pizza papa. There's another pizza papa that we don't talk about?

No, we don't talk about him. There's a bad pizza papa and he hates hat history month. He hates it. He doesn't like it. He keeps saying, why do hats get a whole month? Why? My whistle is wet. Come on.

I told you I gotta walk. You put me in front of a stage, I'm gonna walk around. Oh, my God. I've been cooped up. Is everything okay with your ex, though? I just hung up on him. You just hung up on Lindsay? You don't say that name.

I respected your privacy. We went to Lou Malnati's earlier today because we got in yesterday. I'm trying to think of how to describe the people that we saw because there was... Okay, all right. Because it was mostly people that look like us,

little monsters, but... People like it was mostly people that look like us, little monsters. People like me? Not people like you. People that look like they would date people that dress like this. There was one woman. Trying to get a big catch of someone like you. At the bar at. You saw my dame.

My dame. It was. She in the front row? Was it noon? Was it 1130 AM? And there was a woman dressed like she was going to the Met Gala. He looks great. Sitting alone at the bar having like whiskey neat.

She was sitting alone, but her fancy coat was on the chair next to her. Yes. She was still taking up too much space. Yeah. And really, whenever I think about Chicago from this day, it'll be that woman. It'll be people like that totally done up

in a ball gown at Luminati's at the bar at 1130 AM. It was, you look great in that hat by the way. He does.

He looks so good. Of course, look at him. It's been a minute since he's gotten a new addition to the wardrobe. He's a made guy. Yeah, he's a made guy. I will say I think he looks like a park ranger and less like a mafia guy.

No! You're about to end up buried in a park. He's going to shoot me Kingo style. Guess who watched Eternals on the plane? He's big on Eternals now. He loved it. He loved it. It starts with text scrolling, and I laughed out loud.

There's a guy named Kingo. Oh, a couple of Kingo fans. All about the Kingo fans. Kingo's here. Whoa! Jordan. How'd you get up there? Jordan, do you have a haiku?

A Chicago haiku? A Chicago haiku. Keep clapping. Do you want to borrow the hat for a haiku? Wow. Do it. Whoa! My boy!

Alright, my only request is everyone snap at the end of this. Okay. The wind carries tastes. Dishes deep and dogs relished. But not Lou's secrets. Hey, that's what I'm talking about.

Not Lou's secrets? Yeah, Illuminati. Oh. Stop doing this. That's what it is. Everyone is doing it. It's's like it's really like cultish i mean that's what it is we all ate the pizza we all ate the pizza yeah this guy tried to cut it it was a nightmare oh i forgot about that and sawing and slashing a woman who worked there

was like oh we'll cut the pizza for you. And she's cutting the pizza. Well, the thing is, they bring it out, and they don't put it on your table. No, they keep it. They leave it on the side of your table for you. They keep it a foot and a half. I was freaking out.

He kept going, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it, I want it. They keep it a foot and a half away from you for seven minutes. It made Eric... And he made you wait. It made Eric what we would usually describe as about to get angry which just means he's angry no i'm not angry i'm about to get mad it's different uh-huh

it seemed pretty similar no i just wanted the pizza so nick after she served us our first slice we wanted more pizza but nick was afraid to cut the pizza that we were paying for. I'll say. It's our pizza. He kept looking at it going, and then he started, he didn't want to get up. He had a weird angle, and he just kind of kept stabbing at it, and I kept yelling, help, help. Help, this man's trying to cut his, help, he's taking our pizza.

Help, this man's stealing the pizza we paid for. And he's just kind of hacking and slashing at it. Also, this woman was working about 19 tables at the same time. I think she was the only waiter there. I sat there and I went, they need to hire more people. This is crazy.

Like I'm not even, she's serving like 12 people at the bar. She's doing like four tables. I was happy to wait and I was just going, you should put out a want ad. I was like, people want to work. You know what I mean? There was a sign up that said nobody wants to work anymore.

It's very confusing. I don't understand it. They paid me protection money. Like, the amount of tables that she had to take care of was outrageous. And so we just sat there going, well, I mean, I can't get mad. She's working herself to the bone. But what is happening here? We're having our own discussion.

Don't worry about it. Keep talking. What are you, a rat? Whoa! Uh-oh. Hey, you got real Christy energy about you. Mind your own business. Oh, that's good.

If you ever just want, just stop. You want to be done with the conversation. Just tell someone to mind their own business. The alternative, too, is say, hey, grow up. I've been saying that a lot, too. I'm not going to answer that. Grow up. It's been working out.

It's good. Hey, do you want to teach these people about Lou Malnati's? Not really. Okay. Well, it's the next part of the... How do I get one of those? Can you teach me how I get one of those in my hand? Hey, Nicole, can you give Michael one of these? Don't give it to me. Please sling it to me.

I requested before the show that it be slung to me. I'll get on with the facts. Lou Malnati's. Not a Lou Malnati. Facts. I'll get on with the facts Illuminati Not Illuminati Facts Not to be confused With the thick crust pizza Chicago style deep dish pies

That's what he calls it Pies Actually have a thin flaky crust That curves up the side of the pan Like an actual pie See Hold on Hold on Everyone stop 20s gangster uh

whatever his name is i don't know gabba gabba gone mr mr ghoul from new york we located to chicago and i feel like i embody his spirit fully he's's in this room tonight. This is a perfect accent. Jordan, you have no idea the excitement that tickled through me every time you mentioned Al Capone on this trip. And I kept going, oh, maybe he'll show up tonight. Who knows? I don't know. Oh, Ted, you like my new coat?

I bought it for no reason. I thought it was weird that you wore it on the airplane. What does Al Capone wear? I don't think he wears anything. He's dead. Forget about it. I'll show you my syphilis backstage. You want to see it too?

I was just amazed that this was in fact a fact. Yeah, well we've never done this restaurant before. Okay. Well, don't worry. They'll get bad. Here we go. In 1971, when Lou and his wife Jean opened their first pizzeria in Lincolnwood,

Illinois, a car crashed through the dining room area at Gene opened their first pizzeria in Lincolnwood, Illinois. A car crashed through the dining room area at peak evening hours. This is called a drive-through American Idol style. You really did write this today. I told you. It's right here. We signed the... That just happened. That's dark.

Just wanted some pizza. That was like three days ago I can't believe that's a Lou Malnati's fact Michael, you were right It got bad Moving on Your honor, strike from the record You better watch yourself up here from the record. You better watch yourself up here.

If you're not a Chicagoland native like me, you can order Wait, I thought you said you were from New York. Shut up. You can order frozen Luminati's pizza right to your door for like $75 for two pizzas, which is so worth it and you surely have the money for it if you listen to this podcast.

Okay, so that immediately must lead into what Nick told us at the restaurant. What? He doesn't even know. He doesn't remember. He's lost his goddamn mind. We're at the restaurant, and we're sitting there. It was quite crowded popular place and he leans in and he goes hey that woman over there just said she likes to eat frozen pizza oh oh that's right

i forgot about that and i was like and we all go what he's like yeah she's talking to that guy and she just and we're like not cooked and she goes yeah sometimes i just eat it frozen it's like a snack and i was like one what the fuck is she talking about? Two, what are you doing? Why are you eating something? She's just like, hey, that woman over there eats frozen pizza. She nibbles on it. Does she nibble? She nibbles it like a snack.

You are having a problem with that. I thought that was weird and then moved on and then I guess everyone forgot about it. Can I ask real quick? Go ahead. Because I have a theory. You got one favor. Classic Al Capone. All over the place.

You'll get one. You can't even see the monkey's backing you up and I don't like it. He's my guy, he's my made guy. You gotta put the hat on. Look, he's untouchable and if you touch him, it's gonna be bad. Real quick, question for both of you. You guys are up to date

on your taxes, right? What the fuck is happening? Oh, shit. What's that? Oh, no, no. What are those? Oh, no. Like sales tax?

Yeah, you pay sales tax, right? I don't pay for nothing. This woman in this restaurant that Nick overheard said that she eats straight frozen pizzas. Has anyone here done that? I heard one woman say, yeah. Are you her? I'm waiting.

Did you go today? Were you at Illuminati's today screaming you ate frozen pizza and Nick overheard you? Yeah, I figured that one of these little freaks would have been like, yeah, I eat a frozen all the time. Frozen pizza. Frozen pizza.

Frozen pizza. I can't get on board with that. I like Heaven's Gate just as much as the next guy, but this is getting like... I just like the tapes. I just listen to the tapes. They put me to sleep at night. That was a great speaker.

I was talking to my ex earlier. We got suckered into doing a bunch of work, which really pissed me off. You know, part of the reason... I thought we were going to do this show. I was already not... This doesn't even work. I was already not excited enough to come do this show,

this miserable show. And then I found out as I got here, like, oh, yeah, I forgot. We have to do all this other work. Really pissed me off. Really ruined my day. So I'm out doing this and that, you know, making magic happen. I go back to my room for, like, a short respite. And then my ex calls me, nagging, as usual.

And I say, hey, I'm resting. resting and they're like what are you doing and i go i'm just hanging out in the room just chilling out resting with keith there's a beat they go i don't know who that is and i went keith morrison of dateline mbc i was casting it he soothes me to sleep he's, and then the head came off. All Michael listens to, Michael doesn't listen to music. He listens to murder podcasts. You got to know, one, they won't get me. They won't kill me. And they won't catch me.

You got to learn from the other's mistakes. Right. He'll just tell me about it. He's like, yeah, this is the one about, this is called like the woman who couldn't scream. And it's like, what the fuck are you listening to? She died in silence. We got about two facts left. Oh, facts.

Okay. That's right. We're learning about Lou Malnati. Everything I just said was a fact. Yeah. Chicago, the hometown of Lou Malnati has a place called The Bean, but no one can tell you when it's called The Bean, and it's...

Did you mean why it's called The Bean? Yeah, I wrote this earlier today. Why it's called The Bean. Okay, no one can tell you when it's called The Bean, and it's not worth your time to visit, but boy, we went there anyway. I think Eric doesn't like The Bean because we went into the under part,

and he looked up, and he almost threw up. What I would describe as the anus of the bean, if you walk in the middle of it and look up, it doesn't feel good. It's like looking into a thousand multiverses. Eric pulled his hands out of his pocket and his hands were black. That's true. That did happen, but he was also touching his filthy shoes a lot.

Well, part of my boots came off today. Eric? This guy says at the airport. Let me tell you, Eric's had a great day. This guy says at the airport, he's like, I was going to wear this and that, blah, blah, blah. I wore boots. I wore boots for the trip because it's not that long and now I'm going to be slipping all over the place, falling on ice like an asshole.

One day, and he's like, my boot broke. The heel came off his boot. My heel came off. He started, he was walking like this. And I was like, what are you doing? He went, my heel came off. Little did we know that was only the beginning of Eric's problems. Then he gave away a SIM card, which was weird.

My phone just stopped working. We got one more fact. We'll get to you. Here's a fact. He's getting very upset about it. He's about to get angry. I looked up in the middle of the bean, and it was like my eyes went chameleon style. They went two different directions. I saw everything and nothing, and it made

me so sick. I almost laid down on the ground like Wes. Wes, our photographer, keeps rolling around in puddles and talking about licorice pizza. He goes, he was taking a picture here earlier, and he goes like, you know, and he just goes on and on about it. Like, I can't get enough pictures.

He'll walk into a room where it's totally silent, and he'll say, you guys talking about licorice pizza? Dude, nonstop. So anyway, he's like, hey, would you, well, I don't want to make you sit on the floor. Oh, is this a sling job? Sling.

Sling it to him. Thank you, Nicole. Another one of my maid guys. Nicole is the reason that this event Thank you so much. has gone so well, and we were able to do it. Nicole is the best. So if you have a drink,

please raise it for Nicole. Thank you so much. Appreciate gone so well and we were able to do it. Nicole is the best. So if you have a drink, please raise it for Nicole. Thank you so much. Appreciate it. Thank you, Nicole. Like a part-time hero. Part-time hero? Like a hero helper. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm fine with that. It's like her and Kayla.

That's pretty generous, I think. So he was like, can we take a... No. You probably don't want to sit on the floor, do you? And I went, we're inside a building. Who cares? We're not sitting in the water like you all day.

And he goes, hey, I do what I gotta do for my job. And I go, no one asks you to. You just kept sitting in puddles all day. Wes is like, I'm gonna take a picture. Woo! I was like laying in the snow. And I just kept sitting in puddles all day. Wes is like, I'm going to take a picture. Woo! He's like laying in the snow. And I just kept going, he loves it. Why does he keep laying on the ground?

I don't know. Does this make any sense? He was all about it. He was splish splashing. Yep. He kept telling me everybody loves jumping in muddy puddles. And I didn't quite understand what he was talking about. Maybe in licorice pizza.

Oh! Jesus. Okay. Ow. Oh! Jesus! Okay. Wow. Oh, God. This is the last fact that Eric wrote. Yeah, it's a fact.

These have all been facts. We went to Lou Malnati's. The guy who checked our vaccination cards asked Nick why he had his monkey mask, then laughed at him and took a picture.

We don't know what he's doing with that picture, but we assume he's texting it to his friends with the caption, quote, look at this broke-ass Harambe. The funny part was he asked him on the way out. We were walking out, he clocked in,

and he was like, man, what are you doing with that? And most of this trip is me leaving Nick behind as he looks like a fool in the middle of, like like Chicago, people everywhere. And I just hear someone going, what's that? And then I hear Nick going, oh, it's a podcast. And so then we took that and then he went, uh-huh. We went into the lobby and then the other thing I didn't,

the work I didn't want to do was like, it's time to do that. Everyone, stand in the way of the entrance and block the entrance so no customers can come in to halloum el nadi's and while we take a picture for 14 minutes and we're standing there and there's people outside the building like trying to get in but also going like oh no i don't want to be a bother and eric and i are like please come in please please come in it's fine as this is happening the guy this is like the hostess by the way the guy sitting at the front who pointed out the mask, he's in the window of the door taking pictures of Nick with the mask on.

And people kept coming in and I just kept saying, we're an anti-pizza union. We don't like pizza. Don't cross the picket line. We want to shut this place down. I hate cheese. Hey, geez. It's been a full 24 hours of trying to get content and everything,

and our social person Maxie and other people going, okay, Nick, put on the mask now, and Nick going, dude. Do I have to? A guy tried to take it from you. A guy just tried to take it. Yeah, what was that? The guy who tried to take it in front of the theater? It was in front of the Chicago sign.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, you know, like from that play. Not only did the guy try to take it, but it wasn't like a guy ran by and tried. The guy was posted up there, like handing stuff out. There was some sort of kerfuffle with Nick where he was like going to take it, and he was like, nah. And then, anyway, I'm going to go back to standing here

right next to you. And Nick's like, I got to try to take my mask. And I go, oh, well, I guess we wouldn't have the monkey anymore because we don't have any more. Yeah. We did learn, however, before the show. Someone in the audience, we learned during the Q&A, has another monkey mask, and we're trying to make a trade.

Negotiations have been ongoing. So we can get a backup. I offered a blue wolf head. negotiations have been ongoing. So we can get a backup. I offered a blue wolf head. I don't have it, but also this guy has a $100 bill on him. What?

So if you want to jump him after the show. What's going on? I don't know, dude. Hey, hey, hey, hey. I take care of my people. All right, okay. I say just a taste. It's a taste. I gave you those pizzas I say just a taste. It's a taste.

I gave you those pizzas once. That's true. It's true. Daddy gets a taste is what you told me. Daddy gets a slice. To a tree. Yeah, and then it was I got two frozen pizzas from DiGiorno. Yeah, and then he started eating them uncooked.

I know this woman who loves him swears by him because it's a delicious snack. She has no teeth, though. Nick, Nick is an incredibly talented like audio engineer. What?

Yeah. So he, okay. She didn't do that anymore. He's a great audio editor. He runs our audio stuff. He's great. He does a great job.

Watching him over the last day have to put on the hat and then we all stand around and Maxie goes, okay, dance now. And he goes, oh yeah. And then he goes, da-da-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh-eh Yeah, that's true. How else will he dance? He needs something to dance to. You got problems. You're falling apart. You got problems.

He wants to get into it. He's wearing a shirt with himself on. I think he's getting hot. Come on. We're going to go backstage and Nick's going to be drenched. Look, he can take the shirt off. He can't take the mask off. That's true. Yeah.

Yeah. What a show. He takes off his shirt and it's just this. With his white-ass hat. No. No. He's a father. And those are just the facts.

Should we talk about, in addition to the deep dish pizza we ate, we also got a special thing from old Lou that he cooked up for us. We don't typically talk about the food much on this show. In fact, I despise it. Yes, but we will talk about what we ate slightly. Deep dish pizza. Great Chicago stuff.

Whatever. The reason, one of the reasons we chose Lou Malnati's is because they have something called the crustless pizza. Hold for cheer. Thank you, one person. Hold for Lou. That was another Lou chant. There you go. Lou! Lou! Lou!

It's all weird. It's all messed up. This is not what I envisioned when I bought this dude. The crustless pizza is what we learned about not too long ago. It's gonna burn the stage. No, no, put it out. The crustless pizza,

and you're like, oh, the ends. No, no, no. There's no dough. There's no... Don't cross me again. It ha- What? Finish telling your contrived story, and then I have something to say. It's not a story!

It's about the food! That's what I just said. Oh, my God. What did I say? Go on. The crustless pizza has no crust, has no dough. It is on a slab of sausage.

He's upgraded to dough. He keeps saying bread. Yeah. It is just a slab of sausage that He's upgraded to dough. He keeps saying bread. Yeah. It is just a slab of sausage that they put pizza parts on top of and then you pay for it. But you eat it. The monkey talk?

He said pizza parts. I'm telling you, the vision of him going, we need to get some tape or something for this hat. Trying to cut that pizza and the woman came over and was like, do you need help vision of him going, we need to get some tape or something for this hat. Trying to cut that pizza. And the woman came over and was like, do you need help? And I went, yes.

Please, God, yes. And then, so we got the deep dish and we got the crustless, right? Just between the four of us. And so he had two. Oh, Jesus. He had two crustless. And then he had one. Oh, Jesus. He had two crustless. And then he had one of the deep dish. He's trying to communicate to me that he went back and forth.

He went back and forth. And he was like, one. He's like, I don't know if I want a fourth. Of course he did. Had to even it out. But then he was like, I don't even know where it started. Like, did he want the crustless again? But he was basically like, well, if I have another one, I can't.

I have to have the deep dish because I have to even them out. It's only right. Like, I had two of the other one. I have to have two of this one. I can't have three of them. But, like, there's no bread on the crustless one. So does it even count? Yeah.

He was trying to argue, like, I really only ate two. He kept explaining how he only ate two slices when he ate four slices. Because one didn't have crust. Then it was like explaining that he had zero pieces of pizza? What?

Guilt free. The sausage pizza is so good. Who said that? Our little monkeys growing up. Ah, it's hot. Tell you one thing, when we were at that bean, he saw his reflection for the first time.

He's going to fight. There's just no one. I don we were at that bean, he saw his reflection for the first time. He was going to fight. There's just no one. I didn't even know that we recorded it. He saw his reflection. He put his fist. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then he started counting how many of them there were.

The lengths that this guy goes to for no reason at all is astounding. No one knows his true depravity besides us. It's true. Where we just go, nobody's looking at you right now. And he likes to, a lot of times, he'll lean in and go, I heard what you said. He says things like that.

We took a picture earlier, as mentioned, when Wes told us to sit on the floor, he was standing and he kept leaning over at Eric, and Eric was looking up at him, and he was like, I don't like this. And I went, it's the nostrils. He was doing this. I'm sitting on the floor, and he just does this. Why?

That's not the direction that Wes gave at all. He just keeps going, hey, look in the mirror. Can you look in the mirror? Ignoring him. Turn around. This guy's not listening. It was weird. What I was going to say before, talk about this monkey. Because the

funny thing about Nick is like, this is why he's important to the show. Yeah, you know, I made him a star and all that stuff. Everything funny he does is a byproduct of Michael. It can be attributed to Michael. Welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome. Welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome. You don't have to know, I made him a star and all that stuff. And that's great. Everything funny he does is a byproduct of Michael. It can be attributed to Michael. We all know this. Welcome, you're welcome, you're welcome.

You don't have to know, but it's true. But the initial thing with Nick, even before he was this freak you see before him today, is I love that he didn't have a microphone in the podcast and he just chuckles and giggles in the background. And I would say, I like when Nick laughs because it tells the audience to laugh. He was the person on the outside of the show going,

if this guy thinks it's funny, other people might, or they don't, but they're tricked into thinking. They go, oh, someone's laughing, I'll laugh. I think we tricked plenty of people. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you so much for coming. We tricked you, we tricked you, we tricked you. Wedding, wedding, tricked you wedding wedding wedding wedding

wedding uh your bugs your bugs your bugs so so earlier we were here in the green room and uh god we were just like sitting there before we did the tech rehearsal which is questionable because we started very late and eric kept going man we should have done a tech rehearsal. The joke was we did. Got that background. We're sitting there talking about something, and I don't remember exactly what I said, but you were talking about your mask, and I was just like, hey, make sure you wear the mask. And you were like, oh, yeah, whatever.

And Eric's like, what? And I go, make sure he wears the mask. Oh, what? The mask. Make sure he wears the mask. Oh. What? The mask. Make sure he wears the mask. What? What mask? And I go, the goddamn monkey mask.

I lost it. And Nick was laughing for like three minutes. And it was just so annoying. We have to wear it. I said it over and over and over. And I said, god, no, I said, god damn you. The monkey mask. And Nick just went,

that tickled me. And he just kept laughing. And I was just staring at Eric going, what? Wake up! What are you talking about? The, uh... What? We live in Austin,

Texas. Your, don't cheer it, and I brought enough tap water for everyone here. we live in Austin, Texas. Your, don't hear it. And I brought enough tap water for everyone here. We've been under a boil. We've been pumping it into the plumbing of the building. You've been drinking it all night. It wasn't boiled. Good luck.

Good luck. Our COVID regulations are so lax that they are negligible. To come to Chicago and to have my vaccination card

checked everywhere was like yeah, why isn't it like this fucking everywhere? Everywhere we went. Why? Everywhere we went. Everywhere we went they asked for ID and vaccination card and I was just like this rules

yeah it was like fucking great check it awesome in Texas people just don't wear a mask all the time and nobody checks shit it's fucking crazy yeah Lou blame Lou

that's why when you said make sure you wear the mask, I'm like, we don't, but we're, does he need to wear a mask? Like, we're walking to the stage. Does he need to wear? Right, but instead of that, you just kept going, huh? That's because I knew it was you, man. What mask? Huh?

What? Almost struck to death. If it was after the show, I might have dispensed with you. Oh, shit. Hey. What the fuck? You better watch out for this guy. Take him out to the...

Hey, Jordan. How do you like those kneecaps? All right. We've seen a lot of people almost get hit by cars in Chicago. I will say... It's a real pedestrian versus automobile kind of thing.

It's a bit like coming home with angry pedestrians and angry drivers, and everyone beeps at everyone. Oh, you're a car? Well, I'm going to walk out in the street. It's pretty cool. It's like, you know when rats get that toxoplasmosis thing where it makes them fucking brave and they fight cats? That's how it feels watching people cross the street here.

They're just going, I fucking dare you. I hope you have insurance. We watched people almost get run over backwards and forwards. Insane. A lot of falling ice signs. A lot of signs that say, beware of fallen ice. And it's like, what's going on? And then you look up and it's sky.

Yeah. where? Fallen Ice. And it's like, what? What's going on? And then you look up and it's Sky. Yeah. There was one part we were walking and there was a person with their dog right next to the sign. And I said, do you think that dog's name is Falling Ice and they bite?

Caution. They're telling you to be where? Caution. There were signs like in the middle of the street and I was like, that's just snow. What am I What are you talking about Hey you might get impaled to death by ice But there's a sign so get fucked

We're not liable We're cleared You want me to read about this shit Yeah will you teach me about the food we ate Okay this is the description of deep dish pizza I've never heard of it Made with Lou's lean sausage, some extra cheese,

and vine-ripened tomato sauce on butter crust. Trademark. It's authentic Chicago. Hey! Lou. So many Oscars. Why did he get...

Are you going to fight Lou Malnati? I guess this is a real Mike Illett situation. Is he dead? Is he alive? Lou? Yeah. Does Lou live? Audience, is he dead? Does Lou live? Lou, are you with us?

Guy by a car. Stop touching me. Why is the other support? a board they don't know oh okay i think he's dead yeah he's dead whatever uh we didn't get one with sausage on it why'd you that's true it's cheese well i thought we were gonna get the one with sausage does that make sense but it's fine we got this all right cheese one crustless pizza wait also we got the cheese one did you take a lactate no well are you feeling well hang on you said did you bring lactate? No. How are you feeling? Well, hang on. You said, did you bring lactates? And I said, yeah.

And you're like, oh, so you're good? I went, well, they're in my hotel. It's fine. Also, I told you, I think I'm winning. Oh, Michael thinks that he's- The tide has been turned. Michael thinks he's evolving past lactose intolerance. Yeah.

I'm in charge of my digestive tract, not you. I'll process whatever I goddamn please. You may find out on the next episode of Face Jam I may have been tricked into drinking six or seven cups of tainted tap water, and boy, I'm fine

after that. Turns out that's the cure for lactose intolerance. If you know our friend Pasta Pete, tune in to the next episode of Face Jam. After that. Turns out that's the cure for lactose intolerance. If you know our friend Pasta Pete, tune into the next episode of Face Jam. Jordan, teach me about crustless pizza. All right, crustless pizza. Perfect for those on a gluten-free or low-carb diet.

Oh, just like me. Our crustless pizza is made with loose lean sausage as the base and then topped with mozzarella cheese and vine ripened tomato sauce. No period. Yeah, no TM either. Yeah. I mean, that's really, it's just a slab of sausage and they put pizza parts on top. Yeah, I didn't really know what to, like,

I was envisioning, like, for some reason, and I know this is dumb, not so much just like a big old round thing of sausage, but a bunch of slices of sausage that have been reformed together into a base. I agree with you. That's dumb. That is stupid. But it turns out it's just a big old, like, big cookie-sized of sausage. It's like they made a pizookie size of sausage.

It's like they made a pizookie out of sausage. Yeah, that's kind of what I was thinking. It's a pizookie. But it doesn't seem natural. I guess sausage. Hey, Jordan. This press material is thick. Can I borrow this?

Yeah, go for it. Hit me with it. Seems as though gluten intolerance has become more prevalent in recent years, but maybe its awareness is due in part to people educating themselves on the way their bodies react to certain foods. Hey, you can learn a thing or two about that. Oh! Gluten intolerance is basically the body's inability to digest certain types of proteins.

The hat makes you illiterate. That are commonly found. It happens. Okay. He's laughing. You laugh. He's laughing. You laugh.

I've turned it over. Guys, I think we're going to learn a thing or two. Hold on. Gluten intolerance is basically the body's inability to digest certain types of proteins that are commonly found in wheat rye and barley products right so that means pasta cereal and bread all the things all all the things that make up carbohydrate lover that make carbohydrate lovers salivate are all off limits hey you're a fellow carbohydrate lover i love i'm a carbohydrate lover we had butter lover yeah it's time for

carbo lover right right right uh i'm not even halfway guys yeah it's a disease it's a disease for which testing is available to determine if a person has an actual intolerance, but the expensive price tag causes some people to shy away. That's usually the point at which people start taking their health into their own hands. I feel like we're... You're almost there! I feel like we've gone away from science here. Keep going!

Keep going! It's usually the point at which people start taking their health into their own hands and start experimenting. What? If their symptoms subside and they no longer feel like their body is waging war against them. Waging war against them. I feel like that phrase has been said on the show. I feel like that phrase has been said on the show. They start transitioning their diet and finding ways to create their favorite dishes using different, more intestine-friendly ingredients.

Incredible. Holy shit. That's from their press release for their pizza. What? They didn't even come back around to explain how this pizza is for you. Anyway, we put sausage on the bottom what the fuck it the press release is so much longer and doesn't come back around it just keeps going I know I have lot of press material on this show, and it usually all follows a certain formula

with a little bit of like, you know, you can call out certain things that are tried and true in the industry. I don't know what the hell this was. What do you mean? This certainly broke the mold. It's a disease for which testing is available to determine if a person

has actual intolerance, but the expensive price tag causes some people to shy away. So try our pizza with sausage on the bottom. If it doesn't make you feel bad, eat some more. You want to feel like shit? So is

Lou Malnati's pizzas, is that prescribed? Yeah. You go, dog, what do I do? And he's like, I'm giving you two large pizzas now. You need to get over to Lou's. Get over to Lou's, tell him I sent you. Here you go. It'll be $4,000.

Welcome to America. I love experimenting with my health and taking it into my own hands hey when your body's waging war against you

go nuts hell yeah we're always waging war I'm waging war I think you should get to the park that's a first where we at

how long we been going nice man how long we been going like 20 minutes, right? Yeah, yeah, right around 20, 23. We should get to the point where you guys review the food. I don't think we're ready for that yet. Yeah, no, I think we are.

What are you ready for, Michael? Just hanging out. I mean, I just want to hang out with people from Chicago. I got excited! I got excited! This is what you wanted, Eric. people from Chicago. I got excited. I got excited. This is what you wanted, Eric. Before we came out,

a couple minutes before we came out, I just saw the glimpse of someone going to the bathroom and I quickly went, who is it? Who's in there? Is that Jordan? And three people went, yeah, it's Jordan. I started banging on the door and shaking the handle violently. I don't even remember what I was saying. I don't think you said anything.

I think you just went, and Jordan's just going, hello? And Eric looked at everyone else and goes, you ever wonder what making face jam is like? And me going, Jordan, Jordan, Jordan. Well, then you went in there and then you were trapped. Well, I went in there and then I started screaming, oh no, my shoe's untied.

And then I couldn't get in. I was trying to get in and I was started screaming, oh no, my shoe's untied. And then I couldn't get in. I was trying to get in and I was shaking the door handle. He was right inside your shoe. Also, lest we forget if we're on the topic of doors being stuck, who, Eric, in their own hotel room was trapped yesterday, screaming

I can't get out, I can't get out. Oh. Eric trapped himself in the bathroom and started going, I can't get out! I can't get out, I can't get out. Oh. Eric trapped himself in the bathroom and started going, I can't get out! I can't get out, I can't get out! And jiggling the handle. And I'm on the other side of the door last night and I'm going, what are you doing?

He's like, ah, the door went open, I can't get out. Oh, never mind. And then opened it. And I don't know what happened. I thought it was a slide door. Oh yeah, so I kept sliding it left to right, but it wasn't a slide. So I kept locking and unlocking it

and pushing a door left and right. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It's a handle that comes off out. It's a goddamn handle like a door. Right. So you were holding that and doing this? I can't get out. I'm strapped. I can't get out. I can't get out. I'm strapped.

This door's fucked up. Michael was just on the other side going, what? And then I realized Then he opens and goes, I thought it was sliding. The other door is the sliding door.

Yeah. It was tough. What? We're staying in one of those cool hotels. With some doors slide and some doors don't. Yeah, and you set the temperature to 65 and it's still 72. Yeah, really. And I scream.

My demons get me. I'm talking about waging war. We were supposed to meet at the lobby at a certain time this morning and then and then earlier Eric's like

oh we should show before that time and sign these posters and then I just went like nope I didn't say that I just said it to myself you can't change the rules on me

and then and then Jordan Jordan texted me like right at the time I was supposed to be there and he goes, Eric's telling me to text you. And I went, nope. And then about 15 minutes

later I said, I will not be there on time. My demons are dunking on me. Getting dunked on by my demons. I wrote, Eric wanted me to text to see if you're awake. Wake up and come to the lobby soon to sign some posters. And he cannot.

And he said, I will be there not soon. Getting dunked on by my dreams. I was waging a war and I won. Congratulations. He's here, ain't he? I will win every battle knowing I will lose the war. Jordan, what did you think of Lou Malnati's pizza? May I give my review of the food?

Go ahead. You asked me a favor. Is that a favor? It's a favor. I just want to know the number. I got my phone out of his calculator. Hey, I see you got a problem with your boots. You want some new concrete shoes?

You ever go swimming in the Chicago River? When I look at you and I see him, he put his hat down lower to be more intimidating. Monkey, hold him down. No! We're giving him a new pair of kicks. Bring in the cement truck. And then I kill you.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Go ahead. It's a very normal podcast. Everyone has an opinion on deep dish pizza. I've only had it a few times. The first... Lose. Yes, that's where we went. The first time I came

to Chicago, we went to Giordano's. And I tried it and I was like, I know this is a big old chain, so I'll cut it some slack. And then we were talking about what restaurants to go to, and you brought up Lou's. Don't look at him. It's fine.

It's embarrassing. I was like, I've been to the other place, so let's try something else, and maybe we can get to the other place, so let's try something else. And, you know, maybe we can get to the bottom of whether or not deep dish is good. And very interesting to have tried the sausage one first, the crustless one first. Oh, yeah. Yeah, for her to serve that one first was bold. Hey, hey, you want some Lou Malnati's?

This one's got no dough. It really set a weird standard to, like, go up against. Okay. Hey, you want some Blue Malnati? This one's got no dough. It really set a weird standard to go up against. That one, at first, you try that one first and it's like weird. You really do eat it with a fork and a

knife. You cannot pick that up. I picked it up. Eric tried to pick it up and then it started leaking and he looked like Aaron Rodgers. He was really sweaty that up. Eric tried to pick it up and then it started leaking. And he looked like Aaron Rodgers. He was like really sweaty and like his hair was like too long. But

and he wouldn't be allowed in this theater. He did a holistic thing. He ate clay. Eric was holding up and I said, you look like you're not allowed to come to the show tonight. You're giving me vibes. I'm a four-time MVP and I'm here to see Face Jam.

Walk away. Anyway, go Bears. Go Bears. So that one, it set a weird standard. And it was like, at first was like, okay, this is interesting. Halfway through, I was like, I kind of missed the crust on this pizza. And then we went to the regular deep dish and I was like, okay, this is interesting. Halfway through, I was like, I kind of missed the crust on this pizza. And then we went to the regular deep dish and I was like, this is kind of

too much crust on this pizza. It was very thick on the bottom and very, very dry. When you get... The one thing I do like about deep dish is like, and it's the one thing people will complain about, is the sauce is on top.

That's all pizza. Well, the sauce is under the cheese. I mean, it's still on top of the crust, though. Listen, let's not split hairs here. Okay. I like my sauce under the crust. Whoa. Whoa.

But the sauce they use at Old Lou's's is uh is really good because it um you get you get those big old vine ripe and tomatoes and it's really fresh and nice uh but then i was missing the sausage from the other one and i was like there's got to be an in-between sucks there's got to be an in-between where there is an in-between much less sausage and much less crust the in-between is sausage pizza. No, somebody, I don't know if it was when you said that or it was some of the other people we were with. Someone said something similar to that of like,

ah, it's just like. How do you have less dough? It was like an in-between of like less this, more that. And I went, yeah, that's called pizza. That's a regular pizza is what you're describing. So the place I'm at is I've had deep dish from two different places in Chicago. The place where it's known for. Right.

Chicago. Okay. Thank you. And I'm still not sure if it's good or if I've had good deep dish pizza yet. What? So I'm not writing it off yet. But I've had good deep dish pizza yet. What? So I'm not writing it off yet. But I'm writing Lou's off.

God rest his soul. Maybe. We're in the city of what was supposed to be the name of this podcast, Mr. Michael Jordan. Right. We saw it. We visited his statue. They really didn't kind of want to let us in,

but they did let us in eventually. Eventually they let us in, and that statue's awesome. The statue's awesome because Michael Jordan... He's dunking so hard, he's sending a guy into the shadow realm. Two guys. It's Michael Jordan flying through the air, but there's just like a hand of a man. He's incinerating, I guess, with a face,

but then there's another face, like a demon coming out of it. This guy's over here like, ugh. And so Maxie was trying to take a face, but then there's another face, like a demon coming out of it. This guy's over here like, ugh. And so Maxie was trying to take a picture and she kept going like, oh, are you Michael Jordan? I kept going, no, I'm the guy with the hand. And Jordan was like, I'm the face. We're getting dunked on. We took a picture being the demons he was killing.

Then there was this really cool thing where we took a picture with a bunch of hockey players and a bird That might be the coolest thing I've ever seen Jordan walked up to it and he was like, I'm going to be honest, this is incredible This is so cool But I wanted to give it in honor of Michael Jordan a 23, but I felt that was too harsh

Wow So you're going to do a Scotty Pippen? So I was like, I'll go with the number he came back with I'm going to give it a 45. Okay. Okay. Pretty harsh though. Yeah, really.

I mean, that's kind of how the show works. So it makes sense. Too dry. I liked how dry it was. Eric loved it. It was weird. I really loved it. Here's the thing.

It was... You've got to be kidding me. How did it get so far away? You knocked over my beer. Did you spill your beer? Because nobody would kick it. He keeps saying, why is it here? Why is it here? He can talk when he's angry.

Jesus Christ. I might drink it by accident. The monkey's been drinking. He's about to get angry. He's about to get Eric angry. So the sausage thing was weird, but it was good. I didn't miss the crust, and it didn't taste like a pizza at all. It was like removing the crust.

It's like a casserole. Just having sausage, cheese, and sauce, like you said, tasted like an Italian dish. It was good. I was very good. I sucked it down. But I was like, okay, regular pizza time now. And the deep dish was good.

The crust was dry, but it wasn't bad. It was very crunchy, which I really enjoyed. I guess the only thing with the crust is I felt like it didn't have that much flavor to it. Like the crust wasn't spiced at all. If you got too much. It was just very plain. If you got a bite that didn't have like a good tomato bit on it and it was just crust, it was like oh, this is a bad bite.

I wish it had a little bit more flavor, but I love the consistency. It was a little dry and then for about 19 minutes, I was like I'm so thirsty. He was a thirsty camel for about 20 minutes. But again, our woman, the waitress and the person working the bar was serving about 97 people. So I was just like, oh wait.

Somebody. Yeah, I was like, about 97 people. So I was just like, oh wait. Somebody. I was like, hire more people. People want to work. Pay someone a livable wage, they'll work. I swear. Let's go Face Jam. Let's go Face Jam. Coming soon, let's go Face Jam.

Is this where we debut? Let's go Face Jam. At the end of. Let's go Face Jam. Is this where we talk? Is this where we debut? Let's go Face Jam. At the end of the last episode we recorded, like right after it ended, I don't know why, Jordan goes, I kind of want to make a shirt like Let's Go Brandon, but Let's Go Face Jam. And I just went, I love that.

And so none of it's in the episode, but then I was like, no, we're going to fight for that. And so we've already seen mock-ups of a shirt that just says Let's go face jam you were wearing the listen to face jam shirt and the age wrestling stuff and I was like every time I look at that shirt for some reason I think it says let's go face jam

and Jordan's like but I mean like you know that basically means like you know we want to make a shirt that says like fuck face jam and Eric and I go fuck face jam fuck off so let's go face jam I think bing bong what do I give this go fuck face jam. Yeah fuck face jam. I'll say it. Fuck all. So let's go face jam. Yep. Um I think bing bong what do I give this?

I'm gonna give this nice. Whoa! Alright. Get encouraged. Let's be serious. I'm gonna give it I'll give it a 78. Wow. I liked it.

I liked it. I mean, I'm not sold on like, dude, this is the best pizza. I don't care. Shut up. Nobody cares. Is there like a non-chain restaurant we can go to? We don't need a pizza fight. Who cares? Don't ask them. They're gonna answer and I don't wanna fucking hear it.

It's 61. Someone's gonna go, but not me yeah yeah guys don't answer i will 61.5 that's too low minus student of uh pizza i think that's more than fair no i think it should have got at least a 70 you're crank you're the pizza guy cranky baby oh it's snack attack this is usually when we put in the sound effect do the sound effect do the sound effect. Yeah, do it. Do it into the microphone. No, it's good. Are you the crunch?

Really? Did you? That's you? What were you eating? Well, why'd you fucking lie, dude? I can't trust a... Where'd I ask you and you should have said no? Uh-oh, that hat's about to...

You're gonna get whacked. Uh-oh, that hat's about to... You're going to get whacked. Ladies and gentlemen, we're in Chicago. Holy shit, we are? When did that happen? For a snack attack, we had to do a Chicago staple. Wow. Wow.

Biggest applause of the night. Fuck us, right? Yeah, interesting. You fucking drunks. Wow. Biggest applause of the night. Fuck us, right? Yeah, interesting. You fucking drunks. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's snack attack, we'll be taking a shot of Jepson's Maloney. I purchased, packed, and changed

in a whole goddamn Al Capone outfit, and a bottle of liquor gets a bigger applause. This is bullshit. This is why you're down there and we're up here. You don't know what's good. We do. Malort is something that I've had once before. Uh-huh.

I don't understand. So many, I don't care, but so many people who insist on caring keep going, what is it? Is it this? And you say, it's Malort. And they go, is it tequila? No, it's Malort. And they go, is it tequila? No, it's Malort.

And so I don't. Thank you. I feel like you want people to ask you because it makes you feel important and you're not. And I insist on you knowing you're not important and you're replaceable and you're a rat. Go ahead. Let him explain it.

Malort is a drink that I've only ever had in Chicago, only ever seen in Chicago. You can't take it out of the city. And to me, really sort of encapsulates the city in a flavor. Oh no. Is it like dirty snow? Michael?

Is it like the guy that tried to steal Nick's mask in liquid form? Hey. Hey Michael, come on! Hey. I told Nick that we were doing Malort. He got so fucking excited. I went deaf in my right ear. He said, he's like,

did you say you wanted Malort at your wedding or something? What? No, fuck no. No, it was... Hey, how come I didn't get invited to your wedding? Oh, that was, I think that was Eric from New Rockstars. When was it? What year was Eric from new rock stars when was it what year he doesn't remember what's going on ladies and gentlemen it's my Lord it's snack attack let's raise a glass to the jammers that was all right

fuck here we go you're done take that hat off turn it in your out here's cheers I guess. Cheers. Why do you have... Oh, never mind. Here goes nothing. Here goes my lord. Yuck.

They like this? That sucks. Ah! Ah! Dude, it gets worse. It really does. It's not getting better. By the way, I'm only 19.

I'm 28. I can tell. It was a passage of time. We got a licorice pizza situation over here. This is... This sucks. This really sucks. I don't know. It's like...

It tastes like tires. It's gone from... It's like... It tastes like tires. It's gone from... It tastes like our van smells. Yes. It's gone from like this weird burning... No chaser will fight it. It's unkillable. It's gone street medicinal now.

Dad would fight it. Have you ever had something that's had like three aftertastes? Yeah, it just keeps going. People drink this? Mm-hmm. In Chicago, why? Guys, that's bad. Told you, it's Chicago, man.

Oh, it's after a hard day down at the plant. The pizza is better than this. We drink some Malort. I think the Chicago accent anywhere is really cool. Phoenix, Arizona. I kept doing it

in the street. We'd walk out of the hotel and I'd go, Chicago. And Eric was like, are you fucking serious? What are you going to do? Okay.

So you had Malort. Yeah. What's the rating? I think it sucks. Yeah, what's the... It tastes like shit. Uh-huh. What's the number?

I'd put it on the hit list. Uh-huh. Oh, no. I mean, it's not the worst thing I've ever had, but it's not good. 27. 27? Yeah.

Wow. Is that too high? Yes. I don't know. I mean, you know, hey, I kill with kindness. Yeah. Jordan? In honor of the Steve Kerr of this podcast,

I give it a 25. Wow! Yeah! That's an average score of 26. You really doing the math on that one? I started typing and I went, what am I doing? Why are you standing? Because we had to talk about Malort.

Why are you standing? We were at an actual good restaurant last night and you brought up Malort. Holy shit. Fuck this show. Fuck the food. What was the restaurant we good restaurant last night And you brought up the Lord Holy shit So fuck this show Fuck the food What was the restaurant we went to last night? Three dashes Three dots and a dash

Three dots and a dash Holy shit That place was good And their drinks were delicious Drinks were delicious And the food was even better They were only about nine dollars a sip Yeah

But damn were the cups cool This guy drank out of a murdered turtle shell That's what I kept saying It was like a big ol' abalone he was screaming for his life when they cut him to bits that was a cool spot you mentioned Malort and he Nick was like to my right and he like leaned forward

clapped and went yeah why? right in my ear why? you just had it he wants more you're insane He wants more. You're insane. He wants more backstage.

You're a maniac. I'll have you drink more now. It's been a couple of minutes since we drank it, and also I've taken two sips of this beer. I still taste it. You can't defeat it. I still taste it. Give me it. If you want to be a made guy.

It's like a Dead Souls boss. This is time to get canonized. Well, if you want to send a- Are you wearing a wire? No! Are you wearing a fucking wire? Never! Take your shirt off.

Wait, hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Don't take your shirt off. Stand up! Stand up! He's clean. He's clean. He's clean. He's clean. He's clean.

He's clean. He's clean. Well, if you want to send us a snack, you can. What? It's over? Yes. We have until 11. No, we don't. We have 10 minutes.

What are you talking about? I keep getting texts from Nicole going, Hard out, 1045! He's lying to you. Send it to Face Jam. He's lying to you.! He's lying to you. Send it to Face Jam. He's lying to you. Nicole would never lie to us. Send it to Face Jam.

Care of Eric Badour, B-A-U-D-O-U-R. 1901 East 51st Street, Austin, Texas, 78723. That is where we work. How did the paper towel tie look, do you think? Oh, great. Do you guys believe it? Not buttoning all the way was a choice, but I like it. Well, normally it's like up here, but it's kind of hard to tell with the fucking paper towel.

It's also paper towel, so you can't really move it. Oh, I can move it. Well, if you want to see us with that picture of hockey players and a bird, you can follow us at FaceJamPod on Twitter and Instagram to stay up to date on

everything. And as always, go to store.roosterteeth.com for all your FaceJamPod on Twitter and Instagram to stay up to date on everything. And as always, you can go to store.roosterteeth.com for all your FaceJam needs. Grab that shirt. Grab that shirt. Spice Rat shirt reprint coming soon. I have put in for it.

They are happening. What? Don't forget, let's go FaceJam shirt. Oh, yeah, let's go FaceJam. Let's go FaceJam. Yep. Also, hey, if you are looking to travel this summer we no what's up wait until at the end rtxevent.com come and see us at rtx we have we have a show planned for rtx

we've been wanting to do this idea for two freaking years since the beginning of face jam we've had an idea for what we want to do at RTX. Why is this in front of me? Because this guy's over here fucking slurping it up. Dude, he drank it. For monkey access. No shit he drank. Yeah, look at him. So come to RTX. RTXevent.com where you can check all that out. Also, there's more shows going on tour.

We're not, but it's a podcast tour. Well, I will. For other podcasts. You are. Well, I'll be at some of them. Not all of them. He won't. Neither will Jordan. So come, I will. For other podcasts. You are. Well, I'll be at some of them. Not all of them. He won't. Neither will Jordan. So come check us out, rtxevent.com, for all that information.

Jordan? He's doing like a monkey paw thing. I don't know what that means. Yep, go ahead. What the fuck is going on? Hey, everyone. It's a live show. I told you I need to walk around.

You can't. Everyone, take out your phones, rate and subscribe. You can't. Everyone, take out your phones. Rate and subscribe. You can't hold me down. And tell a friend about the show where we eat food and rate the food. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so... What? Stop.

You're in the way. You're in the way. Look, I want to get almost near them. It's like he's going to sing a Frank Sinatra song. Start spreading the news. He did it his way. How's that? I think that was Wesley's story.

You look like shit, by the way. I said earlier, I looked at Eric when we were at lunch and I said, you look like a fisherman with his hat on. He did, yeah. And then Wes went, let me get into my bag. And 19 minutes later, I went, what are you doing? He went, I couldn't find it. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for joining us at Face Jam Live.

Thank you, Chicago. Thank you, Chicago. We'll see you again soon. Have a great night. Hang on. Jordan, Jordan, it's time. It's time. And now, we bow.

Oh, crap.