100% Eat - Michael Jones: Ultimate Hero - Dairy Queen Ride Along

Episode Date: October 30, 2025

Our Heroes somehow got unstuck from the floor and escaped the workers only to lament the disaster of not getting the food but what surprise does Michael have in store for everyone? You don't want to miss it, unless you're a Manor ISD student then DO NOT ENTER! Support us directly https://www.patreon.com/100percenteat where you can join the discord with other 100 Percenters, stay up to date on everything, and get The Michael, Jordan Podcast every Friday. Follow us on IG & Twitter: @100percenteat Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

That was fun. Eric, Eric is at the time of his life. Get me away from the stereo. Let's go through the drive-through. I don't wanna be- Let's pay 75 cents for those sauces. I don't wanna be friends with that guy. He wants to be friends with you.

God, I'm down. Damn. He was like, get room in the Trump. Eric's been in a mood today. Hey, we don't have those. Yeah, so we went far as fuck. We finally for once left Austin. Yeah.

Which is crazy because it's not that far east. No, no, it's just on the other- Sometimes we drive 38 minutes northwest and it's still Austin, which is bullshit. We're just on the edge of Cedar Park. It's just like, okay, dude, there's no way this is Austin. Like we're in a, we're in a cave is not Austin. We're in a town called Mainer. They've been building up a lot of stuff out here.

And it's pronounced Manor. I don't know why it's not Manor. Manor. Yeah, that's probably named after some guy. Yeah. So this is our first one. We're like, oh, hey, let's go to a different Gary Queen. So we went to a different Gary Queen. So we went to a different Gary Queen.

The sign was there. The Dairy Queen sign. The sign for the sweet, chili chicken strips. Boom. It's on the rotation. Boom. Hey, get those. Lock it in. We don't have that.

We only have the spicy and the regular. There's especially funny the way he said it where it's like, oh. I thought I told you. Hey, you fucking moron. Did you not know that? Oh. Did you not get my news letter? Oh, we don't have that.

Hey, I'm not, I don't work here. Oh, you must be little baby gum go. Sorry, little baby gum gum. We know I have chili strips. During that whole thing, I just kept looking at Michael, and he kept looking up and down. Staring at Eric. Are you a Mainer ISD student, you fucking moron?

Not welcome here between four to eight or something. Get out. You know what this means? It means no mainer ISD students are welcome. There's like a, oh, little gumgum. I know you can't read. There's like a laminated sheet of paper printed out that's like no mainer ISD students.

unaccompanied or some shit between 8 a.m. to 4 p.m., right. And so it's like, okay, you don't want school kids fucking around. Yeah. It's not that close to the school. It's not. There's a highway. There's a highway. There's a highway. You don't have to drive over there. Well, I mean, look at all the crosswalks. But also, it's just so weird to not stay children or students. Right. Yeah. If you're from Austin, ISD, come fuck this place up. Right? Are they, like, are they scanning the school IDs? Yeah, right. Biometrics.

Right. We have you in the system, kid. Facial recognition. They're opening apartments over here? No steak bites for you. What is this? I can't read. Discount tire?

Discount tire. Oh! Discount tire. Planet Fitness, Burlington. Home Depot. Buy a co. Home Depot is already open. Oh, it's open?

Yeah. Oh, they got Oofku. The HV opens tomorrow. HV opens tomorrow. There's a grand opening tomorrow. Chipotle, Chila, Chick-fil-A. They got it all. Yeah.

Wow, this place is rocking. All the seas. Don't they know Austin is right there? Look, Nick. Look at the Waffle House. What is that logo? What is that logo? That must be a new one.

Oh, God, I missed it. Yeah. Look how tiny it is. I'm sorry, when you were saying, what's that logo? What were you filming? Yeah, what were you filming? Oh, no, I was on it. I was trying to zoom in on it.

zoom in on it and when i zoom in it's too far my fingers they're so big that's not weird what the fuck and then we're taking the picture with the outside and then comes running out oh yeah oh yeah he missed it by he missed it by so much we were walking away and he was like done out of the restaurant he was like running out oh i didn't get to be in the picture Did he run towards it? He ran to the doors. I don't know how with the floors that were made of shit. Did he was movie theater sticky?

That was the first thing I said to Eric. It was pulling your shoes off. It was. It was real like 90s movie theater. It was so sticky that when you found a spot that wasn't sticky, it felt weird and then you made it sticky. Yeah, that's the worst. It's so sick, you multiply stick.

It's like, sell. It's like when you're drumming on a trampoline and then you go on back on solid ground and you're like, oh, yeah, this is so weird. It's exactly what it felt like. I don't know why that was top of mind. Yeah, it's like if you go to a Taco Bell 25 times out of 30 days, sometimes dress like the moker, sometimes you drive at 11.55 p.m. get it, park, eat it, and drive back through again after midnight because it's the next day.

Did you feel different? I fucking sure felt different. The guy, the guy felt different. Yeah. Not only, not only it was. Oh, fuck the mokers back. It was like probably 80% of the time. I went to the same Taco Bell when I did it. And of that 80% of the time,

it was probably another like 75% of the time that it was one specific guy. It was always the same time. You're back. Yeah, because I usually went late at night and he worked a nightship. Sure, sure. So I think I ended up going 24 or 25 times. I would say 15 of them was that guy.

Oh. And he was there at the time I went through twice. He didn't say nothing. But I'm like, you know he's thinking it. You had someone different from the moker, though, right? I had someone different from the moker. I think it was a woman. Or as they said on the internet, a female.

They do be saying that. They do be. That is how it do you. The other thing that we just didn't even mention because it was just, it happened and we went, of course. There was no ice. Oh, yeah. And then they eventually had some ice,

but they put it out in like a bucket. And they just went, here you go. They fashioned up the ice bucket of ice. Use a bucket of ice. Idiot, enjoy. Oh, wow. And it was like, okay. It's not throw around the eye slur.

Yeah. Michael was not thrilled with the sauce selection. And so Nick went, don't worry, we'll get these DQ sauces. Yeah. Right. I'm just going to say, not thrilled with the sauce selection was, did we get sauce with the chicken? And you went, I don't know, gravy, I think. Yeah, he comes to the gravy.

So it wasn't really the selection. It was the lack thereof. It wasn't so much the sauces as much as it was. the gravy. So Nick's like, oh, don't worry, we'll get this DQ sauce. Yeah. And then as we got our food,

he's like, hey, can we get like some of those DQ sauces? And she said, they're 75 cents each. And Nick went, never mind. I said, never mind for two reasons. One, that would have taken a bit longer. And there was already two people waiting in the line ahead of us. Fair.

However, in a Larry David, Curbier and Theasms type way, I would, I would purport. Uh-huh. One, it will be much faster to just pay and get the sauce packets that someone's entire order.

Two, they are in line, but technically you've already waited in line. This is an addition follow-up to a current order that you had already placed. You do not need to wait in the back of the line all over again. Just to simply get lost and added to your completed order. You don't buy the right to being in line again. You're not perpetually in line. No, after being in line one time. This is not a full-blown cutseys, but it is you walk straight up to the counter to the side.

If there's an interaction. It's an act. That's exactly. Right. That's what I'm saying. It's not a full-blown cutsees. But if there's an interaction, that's happening monetarily. You don't want to be a half-cutter.

No. No, I want to be, this is right and justified. It wasn't. It wasn't? It would have been. I don't think so. I think the cutting, I'm more just, the spending, and we don't care because we have 7,000 sauces back at the house.

Well, that's true. Well, then you know what would happen eventually in true Kirpenter enthusiasm style is that, like, later that day, someone's going to catch wind of you doing a half cut at the Dairy Queen. Yeah. They're going to be like, I heard you did a half cut at the Dairy Queen. Is that true? Yeah.

It wasn't that big of a deal. Archie would have asked you about it. See, but again, being Larry David, I have no problem with this. I'll say, you're absolutely goddamn right. I did a half cut at the dairy queen. I'm entitled to my half cut. And I implore you to do it as well. That's the best thing about it is stick to your standards, okay?

I would not admonish anyone else for doing a half cut. The man waited in line. He just wants some sauces. When we were ordering, like, I couldn't believe that we were ordering the food that we ordered. Yeah, he also was like, it's... Four? Four, four, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six, six in the deck! He laid back, a lot of chicken coming back.

He's like, we got a lot of chicken coming down on that. Four people wanted four pieces. He goes, we got a lot of spicy chicken. Yeah, yeah, oh my God. It was like, Jaws is like, we're going to need a bigger gravy boat. It really, it was ridiculous. We're going to need some wet wipes in the bathroom. All hands on deck, four chicken.

When he said that, the woman in the back said, okay. Okay. 16 chicken tenders coming in now! Jesus Christ, this guy of Maynard ISD students? I'm sorry, sir. Is your parent accompanied? Yeah. He used to be a teacher and that's why he doesn't.

It also took- We don't sell the baby gum gums. No, no, we don't sell two little baby gumb gung gums. It took all for ever. Yeah. It's just chicken. Yeah, it's just chicken tenders. It's also nachos. Can I put this dessert back in the freezer?

It is nachos. I don't think the, um, Oh, man, he was real concerned about our ice cream. What was that all about? He was like, guys, you can't eat this before you eat them. Who does this? Do you want this now for a dessert? Who gives a shit?

Just bring it out of the ice cream. And hey, true to Dairy Queen? Turn it upside down. He did. Turned upside down. It had a lid on it. Yep. Well, just in case.

Yeah. He's not that confident. He wanted to do it, but he's also a fucking pussy. Whoa. He's a picture pussy. He'll be in your picture. What if he said, yeah, okay, do you think he would have stood it and done it? Yes, oh, he would have been thrilled.

I think he would have left. Tag me. Hey, tag me on Facebook. What the fuck? Where were you, remember when that guy, uh, when he was taking pictures of the food? What did he say? He was like, oh, are you going to put this on Snapchat or something? What is something like?

What did he say? Oh, yeah. And Eric was like, idiot. What was he? Why would I do that? Oh, oh, oh, it was P.F. Chang's. Oh, it was P.F. Chang's. That's right.

Yeah. But it was a totally valid. I'm doing this for fucking work, buddy. Yeah. Are we going to put it on Pinterest or something like that? It says something. I don't remember. It's like, I'm not, I don't want it.

And he was like, can you believe this guy saying talking to me? Like this doing the leg thing into talking to me. It's a bullshit. I thought it was good. Good. I enjoyed it. My drugs! Prescription.

If you're watching this different drugs. I dropped those two. Guys, I want everyone to know. You guys already know. I want everyone to know. Listen into this right along. Finally did some cratum. Oh my god.

Do you bring it with me, Nick? Oh, we need some office cratom. Okay. We don't need office craters. I do a crazy Michael thing. Then Nick tries to be normal. guy about it. I know. Okay? I bought some perfectly

legal cratum from a vape shot. Shouldn't be legal. I had no idea what it was. Let's go upstairs. The lady's like, it's like opiates. And I was like, oh, really? Is that what she said? Yeah, she did. I was like, I had no idea what the fuck it was. The lady at the gas station told you it was like opiates? No, at the shop that sold it. Oh, I just assumed

it was a gas station. No, the gas station didn't sell cratts out. Uh, but I was like, oh, okay. She's like, these are 60 milligram pills. I was like, okay. I went home, I took one, I was like, or I took half of one. I'm like, oh, that's pretty, oh, okay, yeah, that's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. And then about two hours later, I vomited for 10 hours. Oh, my God.

And I was like, no more cratim of that dosage. Yeah. Let me try again. That dials it in. It's about one eighth of a tablet for me. And then I'm soaring, flying. We were talking about. A star in heaven that you can reach.

That was pretty accurate to what we heard in the story. Hey, Nick. Yeah. About being with God. Oh. Oh. Fire in the hole. Yeah.

Oh, hey Nick. What is that a tube? Some sour cream. Oh, it's for the nach. Sour cream. For the nachos. All right, so we got these nachos. Let's get a look at this.

Oh, they're warm. I would fucking hope so. They look like shit. Yeah. from dairy queen these are the deluxe ones yeah yeah which i didn't ask for he ordered it yep and then i just wanted regular and then here are the spicy chickens oh they look so spicy are they hot hot hot hot feeling hot hot you know spicy yeah

picking up what you're putting down he's having fun he's having fun what jordan's having a good time like from the office what does he say jamaica doesn't have a word or what Well, it's like failure or something like that. They do. They speak English. Well, we didn't quite get the food that we set out to get. Are you sure about that? Yeah, why.

Why, what's up? Nothing. Surprise. Nothing. So I guess we'll see how this is. We'll see how it is, you little bitch. There's a fork if you want. Dude, what the fuck?

The chips are all tiny and shit, buried at the bottom. Dude, this sucks. I'm mad. Dairy queen might be on my... Dairy queen, you fuck! Dairy queen might be on my list. The whole favorite restaurants.

No. Restaurants we don't do anymore. But what if you want to vamp for like three more minutes and see how this story ends? What? Which one? Well, so we didn't get the sweet chili chicken that we went there for.

So I ordered it from another Dairy Queen. And it should be here in like two minutes. And so I'm going to see if they actually have it. I just ordered a six piece. It's going to be more of the spicy chicken. It might be, so I feel like it... This is actually pretty spicy. This might actually be like a good time to find out before we do the episode.

Let me actually get the food that we're going to get. It says it's going to be here at 116. It's now 114. It truly is gravy. It truly is gravy. Here we go. This one, this one I ordered for Mainer Road. Manor Road Dairy Queen.

Not the other one. That's the other one. That's the one we usually go to. Got it. Well, let's see if it's a hit or not. That's how popular this guy is. He's got streets. This fucking Mainer guy.

Schools. How is it with the gravy? The same, but watery. Why is gravy watered? Their gravy sucks. Their gravy is always watery. They're so watery and it just tastes like gravy. They're hot.

Well, we got ranch and shit downstairs. I got ranching shit right here. You got shit and ranch. Oh my God. Dude, I was so itchy. Just turned on the eye. Ice cream. I was itching up inside the Dairy Queen. I don't know why. Spices.

Ice cream, spices. Spice cream? Yeah. Spice cream in my face! I'm not allergic to Kratum. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It only makes me make me sick. I'm not allergic to alcohol either. It doesn't make me itchy. It makes me throw up.

There's a difference. It just makes me nausey. Oh my God. Are they coming down the street? Well, I don't have our GPS tracker, but it is one minute away. What do you? Oh, my God. With the ranch good? Better.

Oh, okay. I go with the right. These are the saddest little tender strips. Look at this. That's a strip? This is a whole strip. What? That can't count.

This is a nugget. You ate one already, didn't you? I did. Okay. But like, they're supposed to get four pieces. But it was also about this size. Yeah, but it's a four piece. You got like seven little nuggets.

So they gave me six nuggets to make up for it. Try the ranch. He's dancing, dude. Ranch is perfect. That was like a jalapopper. Yeah. No shit, she's almost here. Maya's coming.

Very buttermilky. Yeah, that jack in the box is buttermilk ranch. If we get more of this with what he ordered, we're not eating dairy queen anymore. It's on her restriction. Will they have redeemed themselves if this is correct, though? Or are they still kind of on your watch? Thank you. I won't go back to that dairy clean. Okay, that's fair. Well, that guy's waiting for us.

Yeah, we can hang on with that guy. Bada-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-a-da-da-da-a-da-da-a-da-da. Did we get it? How we do. Uh-oh. A marinera sauce. Okay. That certainly goes with Thai chili. What is it? We got napkins. Bump-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah-pah

Another box. We got the boo! We got the boo! Derry Queen is saved! Did I just do your job? Yeah! I just knew your job. Good, I paid with it with my own card.

What? It's a new app. It's a new app. Don't make me pay for membership. I'm going to be made! Are there is cheese? Oh yeah, that's, I got those kids. Yeah!

Oh, cool. Sorry, I spoiled my kids. Pretty good. Thank you, Popol. Well, guys, you can see our review. Take a picture. Mm-hmm. And our real reaction.

Michael did it. That's a radical optimism. Yeah. Wow. Incredible. What a day. What a day. Mikey saves the day.

Wait. There you go. Find out what he thinks about it. Find out what he thinks. Ah!