100% Eat - My Erectile Functions - Subway Ride Along

Episode Date: February 13, 2025

Our Heroes run into the angry guy at Subway again but his space cadet friend wasn't there so at least there's a benefit. We didn't get the dippers, sorry Nick, and we also don't film under the bathroom door (also sorry Nick.) Ordering was a whole debacle and we make friends on the road. Slap some stickers on your van and pound pavement. Support us directly https://www.patreon.com/100percenteat where you can join the discord with other 100 Percenters, stay up to date on everything, and get The Michael, Jordan Podcast every Friday. Follow us on IG & Twitter: @100percenteat Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Get access to the discord at patreon.com 100% eat summons have been sent the monkey Bailiff is ready to kick you out be there for all the action this Monday February 17th at 6 p.m.. Central, but for now enjoy the episode We're the non-boss subway. Yeah, we went to a subway. We skipped the boss and turns out they had the food Yeah, it's weird when you don't we never know It's weird when you don't have to go to two subways to get it. I think it's part of the fun. The guy that was in there, was he the angry guy? Yes, he was very angry.

That was the angry guy, right? He took my order and he was very not happy to do it. No, he was, that was the angry guy. He seemed a little less angry because his other friend wasn't there. His other friend. Yeah, it wasn't as busy. That guy might not be alive. Yeah, he wasn't as busy. He that guy that guy might not be alive Yeah, he's probably buried in the freezer back there. He didn't seem full-blown angry today. Maybe a bit ornery

He was definitely ornery. There you go But he was full on angry last time. He was like I'll kill you I'll kill you I'll kill you die last time Yeah, was there a convention in town? Yeah I'm taking the scenic route. More dippers? We going to Walmart? Dude, Nick messaged last night when I'm like, hey, we're doing like this Oreo thing or whatever. And Nick went, oh, finally, we can get like the dippers and like, see what they're like.

And it's like, who gives a shit? We're not going for the dippers. Yeah, I know. Although we ordered other stuff. Why didn't you get dippers for yourself? Yeah, Nick, why didn't you? I don't know, I want to stay. I'm sorry, I didn't get the message.

I didn't know. How can I speak for you if I don't know? Yeah, how come you didn't it was in the thing? I don't know but this is probably where the most bus stop should be don't you think? Oh, yeah, it's all like yeah, I've never heard of the buses come from because we just went to a dead end This one is a bus Come out of the ground. Oh shit. Oh, oh shit, oh shit. They're running a lot of last three years. Yeah Dude what was that?

Why was not only was the the the ringer alarm for opening the door at the subway so loud? It was right at the door. It's over the door. Yeah, it's not where they can hear exactly right I was ending up lasting me to take a picture at the door. It was so loud. It's over the door. Yeah, it's not where they can hear it. Exactly. Why is it blasting me? To take a picture, 30 seconds to do it? If even. Probably less. And then we get a little alert saying, no bordering. It's like, no bordering.

Yeah, clear out. And I looked up at it. There's a little camera. And I could see it was like, it had lights on. Yeah, it turned on. It was clearly recording. Yeah. But I just, I waved.

You joined on the car and waved at it. I'm sure somebody got an alert and now they were watching. No they didn't. No they didn't. Well if they did, they ignored it. I have that, it's not connected to anything. You buy those dummy ones on Amazon all the time. Oh yeah, for sure.

I have that on my- I have one in my old apartment. I have that on my security system, I actually just upgraded like my cameras and shit, and my new cameras outside have that, and it's like, it's not called loitering, but it's what it is. Yeah. Yeah, what is it called? Person lingering?

Yeah, but the option, the options for the sound it makes are all far too pleasant. Oh, yeah. I wish it had that. It just goes, your choice of do do, do do. Like a chime. Beep beep beep. And I was like, that'll scare off an intruder. Beep beep beep. Oh, fuck, I can get it out of here. Excuse me, sir. Mine by default is like a whistle. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do That's Nick doing under the bathroom doorstep. That's right. Hey, that was one time and we all did.

You were there. It's regular and normal. We all liked it. You guys are always watching me. Justin Jordan. Apparently I was getting filmed in the bathroom. You know, it's a video. We have it on our YouTube.

You were blocked out at the time. Is the GamerSupp trucks there? What are you saying? Who? GamerSupp trucks? Is there, it's the animated- The tinny truck? Yeah.

I know what it is. Yeah, it's gone. Yeah, it's gone. Yeah, yeah, I was following it earlier. It's not there. I followed it right to a bathroom door. I filmed it so it was cool. I filmed right under that bathroom door, no big deal.

I kept screaming, it's content. We all did it, we all did it! You like this! This is being framed in a very unfortunate light. I don't think- Content? I thought you said I consent. Hahaha

Keep rolling. Yeah, that's what I thought he said. Keep rolling. That's what Jordan said. Yeah, man, you got him. Clearly me not remembering this- Oh, by the way- I don't remember it either, Jordan. I question whether it happened. Yeah. I feel like I didn't consent, I don't remember it either Jordan. I question whether it happened. Yeah I think I feel like I didn't think I don't remember

It was in the bridal on the podcast. It's a lot. Yeah, it's a ride along Somewhere it's all it's all mismatched. Okay. Yeah, that's a scary road where the fizzle is was was not there That's right. Is the fizzle is gone. I think it's gone our cigarettes So there are no more fizzle ease in Austin. There might be one in Lake Line or something. Or like you gotta go past like Slaughter. That was actually not there. I like by the way when we were in Subway and you ordered the Oreo thing or whatever

we were here for and then got a sandwich and it was like you, I think then Nick, then Jordan and me and you look down the line and said, hey, does anybody want anything? You can search for like, what do you want? And then Nick turns and looks, what do you want? And I went, thanks for letting me know. Thanks for passing it down the line.

So Michael just walked ahead of a foot next to you. I didn't know what I wanted. I was like, what do you want? What do you want? There was like no one else in that restaurant. What do you want? What do you want? It's like I didn't hear you.? There was like no one else in that restaurant. What do you want? What do you want? It's like I didn't hear you.

Yeah, right. Winning in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino, where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit kinexontario.ca. Please play responsibly. I just want you to be able to see the top of this. My erectile functions is what that sticker says on the top. You see that? Well, there's also a bunch of Trump stickers as well. When I die, don't let me vote Democrat. My erectile functions is what hell yeah on the time you see

When I die don't let me vote Democrat don't step on me That's what I like that. He's not a good action. No stepy. You don't step on me. Oh man that rocks Oh smoky the bear only you can stop socialism and he's wearing his MAGA hat, but it's his regular hat That's pretty cool. Damn way to go This is a I touch- You can make anybody say anything. Joke made to this guy too. This guy's gay. Oh, of course.

He's like walking into his phone. He's on the phone, on speaker phone, holding it like this, in his mouth. It was like in his mouth. He's got, he has like so many stuffed animals in the front of his car too. You know that guy's got a phone like clip belt Yep, yeah dangling keys. Oh, man. Yeah, and what you know, it's right next to his gun that he holsters

One time he's gonna make a phone call and shoot somebody. I was trying to send a text Siri Siri don't shoot Did you see that video with the guy, the cops like, all right, he's the guy who like had a, like he like had a gun and the cops accidentally shot him with his own gun in the leg when they were trying to disarm him. And it's like, ah, cool man, right on point.

It's a way to go. Dude, another one. This is, I mean, this car, 911 was an insight job for sticker. Oh, that guy. Is that ironic at this point? I don't know. We're having fun.

I think it's passed our names back to reality. Yeah, right. When I first moved- You can't tell what they're trying to say anymore. When I first moved to Austin, there was a bookstore called Brave New Books on Guadalupe. Is it there anymore? Oh, definitely not.

But they actually paid to have a full-time or like a weekend radio show like an hour-long radio Show where they talked about you know the read it man loose change is all real Loose change what the fuck that means change is real loose change is the definition of or was the title of the video about 9-eleven Dude you were like too many layers deep for me. Yeah, I mean I don't like loose change either But it's kind of like everything so expensive What am I gonna do with change? Can't buy anything with it anymore. What's the fucking point of having it? I know right just eliminate It's like eliminate change. I got I got KFC the other day. Do you pay with least change? I did not that's the snacker

We say you know the price is gone that snacker. Well, it's like 110 D on one used to be a buck It's like a.80. Yeah. What am I gonna do with change? What am I gonna do with change? Just round it up to $4. I don't understand. I'll pay $4 to not have change. I just, bright lights, big city.

The lights are fixed. I never, even when I was a kid, I almost never used change to like not break another dollar. I used change to buy things. Yep, right. This was $1.50, here's $1.50 in change. If you had three quarters, you were like, cool, I could go to the fucking candy machine.

How much shit you could buy? Yeah, I could stop at the swap meet. If I have a dollar, I almost have two dollars now. I don't get $7.15, I just give them $8. I don't give a flying fuck about this dumb Oreo thing, but I'm so excited to eat my sandwich. I'm starving. Yeah, I'm also hungry.

Well, here's your footlong. Yeah. Nick also got a sandwich. I did. Oh, he figured it out. Hey, does that erectile function? You knew where we were going. Hey.

Right. My erectile functions. What kind of sandwich did you get, Michael? I got cheesesteak. Nice. Double steak, double cheese. What did you end up getting, Jack? subway club is it's like ham nobody got the boss no that was yeah with some pepperoni

oh look at that why are you doing that music it's the majesty see Oreo Jurassic Park. No! Oh, that's ours. That's why I did the end. Is it hot? No, not at all. No. No, it's quite, it's cool. Why is it? Boss would've warmed it up worse. It was for a pick too.

I had to really push. Yep. Well, lights! The lights are working. Look how bright it is in here, dude. We've been going 10 minutes. Why? I didn't get to? I don't know.

Are we gonna eat 6 inches each? I'm gonna eat 6 inches. You asked it kind of like as a syrup. Well here's the plan, Jordan. We'll all eat half. No we won't. What a great idea. Do you want to take home for Nick? This one's your half. We'll get all the monkey money.

This is fucking monkey money! No, this is the show. Yeah. This is the fucking monkey money in it. I think the sandwich you got is monkey money. Yeah, no, that's not part of it. Yeah, I mean, listen, it's all monkey money. That was us doing you a favor.

Now, before we start, and that's why he's gonna come in and help. Yeah, so before we start, what do you think is gonna end up being monkey money? Because I think about half of my sandwich is gonna be monkey money Probably get it That's so he gets it I will eat it I did the company and by extension everyone a favor by not getting anything Thank you so much. Wow, I mean welcome. I mean, I appreciate it. It means nothing to me.

So how much do you understand? 25% of it. I understand. It's a relief to you. I understand. One full one, definitely. I work talking about it far more than I care. Really?

Yes. I don't really want to get into monkey money. You know, it's the thing you kind of say and he's right or he's wrong. Usually he's wrong. Like when he says this is monkey money, it's the goddamn episode. I've never been wrong.

Look forward to NPR's new show, Planet to and when I don't new show planet monkey Stop and break it down. You don't need a flow chart. I'm Kyra This is monkey money Erectile functions, uh, we'll see you next time. I don't think it's gonna enjoy the show We'll step on it after it might right the sandwichers dick whichever you want Do you want you put your dick in the same? It's like a bump Mcmillions was an inside job. Oh

No, it really was because they all work together. Jordan conspiracies! Lose monopoly! What?