100% Eat - Pizza Hut Spicy Lover's Pizzas

Episode Date: March 1, 2022

In this episode, Michael Jones and Jordan Cwierz eat and review Pizza Hut Spicy Lover's Pizzas so you know if it's worth eating. They also talk about previous Pizza Hut outings, their Chicago live show, evolving beyond lactose intolerance, and more. Sponsored by HelloFresh (http://hellofresh.com/facejam16 and use code facejam16), Upstart (http://upstart.com/facejam), and Honey (http://joinhoney.com/facejam). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is a Rooster Teeth production. Sorry the music wasn't even wearing his headphones. Well I need to hear the music. I don't like wearing the headphones. Somebody's feeling it. Wow look at this guy. Oh, whoa! Are we getting this on video? He's playing the ones and twos. He's doing the ones and twos. It's a disc jockey term. Hey, welcome to Face Jam, the show where we try every new fast food creation to let you know if you need it.

You probably do. I'm your host, Michael Jones, alongside my co-host, Jordan Sweers. Jordan, how are you? I'm great. Thanks. You didn't have your headphones on when we started. Then you took them off and you're still not wearing. Jordan doesn't do that.

I don't do the headphones. Why was he fighting them two seconds ago? Because I wanted to hear the music. He plays the music. He doesn't play it through the speakers anymore. He would have looked so stupid if I didn't hear the music. I would still look stupid. No,

he was doing almost what I would describe as a bat to see. Yeah, it was, it was pretty close. It was pretty good. Oh, this song gets me gone. He was doing almost what I would describe as a bat-toosie. Yeah, it was pretty close. I felt bat-toosie. Oh, this song gets me going. And then you started to pretend to spin records or something.

I thought he was playing whack-a-mole. It's pretty whack-a-mole, too. You can't see it. This is an audio podcast. You have to close your eyes and imagine. He was doing a real half-hearted muckering. It's not always. Right.

Sometimes we record video and then we don't do anything. Live from Chicago yeah which was also last week which is also only audio there's no video to it yeah but it was live but everyone is saying that there is video no everyone isn't yeah just like a couple angry people yeah everyone a couple of people who really know the score

we'll pile on top of them later. Today, we're reviewing Pizza Hut Spicy Lovers Pizza. Now, do you think spicy lovers like fornicate on this pizza? That got a whoa really loud from Nick. I don't think Nick considered that. That might have been the most audible thing

he's ever said on this show. There was no pretense and no voice put to it. He just couldn't believe what he heard. Everyone else probably already thought of this joke and was just like, Michael's saying it. And then Nick in the background was like, oh my god. It's mostly

for him. If he was wearing glasses, he would have taken them off And been like He's fucking cracking Eureka You think Jason Bourne is the only one? Spicy lover's pizza from Pizza Hut Is this a three-peat?

No Repeat Five-peat? I feel like we've gone to Pizza Hut So many times So many times No, no, no But apparently not

Nah, he's lying. We'll learn more about that one time. What did that fan spreadsheet say that you use? It said we've been one time. Okay. That's not right. Had to double check. We've only been for the show in an official episode one time,

and we'll learn more about that in the next section. We will? Michael's eating the pizza right now. We should just speed through this so we can get to the next section. No. We have eaten Pizza Hut on Jamsgiving, which again, if you aren't aware, is a holiday where you celebrate us, you give to us, and then we get. We get. We don't give.

We get. We get. Yeah. You give to us. For us, it's Jamsgetting. Yeah. For you, it's jams getting. Yeah. For you, it's jams giving. So that's the only other time we had Pizza Hut.

When I say you, I mean not you. Yeah. That was me saying you. Like a royal you. I got you. I'm so on the same page. Okay. There was some confusion earlier when somebody was pretending to be somebody else.

Oh, that's right. Yeah. When I say you, I'm you now, and you're not me. I'm you. Don't worry about it. I, last week, was Al Capone. That's true. If you haven't listened to that.

Right. Which was funny. So where was Michael? On the phone. He was on the phone the whole time. Which is also funny because my Al Capone was basically me just going, Chicago. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey-o, Chicago. As far as I know, like historically, that's accurate. Well, not only that, but then people were like, I saw people being like, I don't know why Al Capone's got a Jersey accent. I was like, well, you know he's from New York, right? Right, right, right. He's not from Chicago. Right, right.

He's from New York, and then he just came to Chicago, and everybody there was a bunch of little bitches. So he just took over. So he ran over them. Yeah, yep. He just used his silly hat and his 90 IQ and was like, I'm running this city. His syphilic brain.

Yeah. His 90 IQ. And he just said, I'm running this town. Blah, blah, blah. Really, that's a huge insult to Chicagoans. Well, you go to Chicago and you really go. I know. I'm saying like... Well, what I'm saying is

if you go... Like Chicagoans of the past. I think if you go to Chicago now and you look around and you go, I really understand how this guy made his way and took over. What he said. Eric kept saying before we left on the trip, he went, seriously, though, what if we just stay and take over?

I don't think it's that hard. I can't. And then we were there, and I just kept saying out loud, can't be that hard. The only mistake he made was not doing his taxes. It's true. Like, if we just do the same thing but pay taxes, we'll be fine. We could have started with that, with the jammers as being just in our mob. Right.

And we'd have a huge advantage. Right. But we already established. I would just say, use work for us now. Right. And we'd have a huge advantage. Right, but we already I would just say use work for us now. Go. Use work. We should have done that.

Instead, you had one trusted guy and it was a monkey in a hat. Well, he was my top guy. The hat wouldn't even stay on. He was my top guy and I let him take the gun back out. Fucking pointing the gun.

It was really exciting. when i was packing my shit back up i went to put that hat away and he was like no this is mine and i was like oh okay i really don't care but i didn't think he'd actually want it he was like it's my hat now did you keep the hat oh my gosh he's a fucking collector he has so many That reminds me of the other guy in the hat that we saw. After the show, we went back to the hotel, and it was pretty late. It was around midnight, and we were going to go up to the rooftop bar at our hotel, see if they had any food. And Nick got up there first and told us there was no food,

so we were still going to meet up and go from there. That was when I told you there was no food, we were still gonna meet up and like go from there but that was when i told you there was no food and you're like fuck this i'm out yeah i just went to bed but everyone everyone came up and our social media person uh maxi she was up there and she was like i'm gonna grab a drink and she goes to the bar and she comes back and she's got like the most like embarrassed look on her face and she's like guys there's a guy at the bar and she's got like the most like embarrassed look on her face and she's like guys there's a guy at the bar and she kind of gestures to a guy who's wearing a fedora she's like i thought it was michael i thought he was still wearing the hat i went up to him and said hey michael and the guy the guy was just like what and she was like oh no and then we look at the guy and

he like takes his hat off and he's like super bald. Not like a bald eagle either. Oh no. He's the bad kind. Doesn't even look. He's a bald people. He takes the hat off, doesn't even look like Michael. Dude, and it's funny because that happened right before I got there. So then as soon as I got there, I guess it just happened.

They were telling me about it. And then I look over. Maxie's back at the bar, standing behind the guy, like looking me pointing And she's going like this Gesturing like taking the hat off like like it was a mask like she couldn't see just like you good good guy My favorite part of that is like why would you still be wearing that? my favorite part of that is like why would you still be wearing the hat why would you have changed your outfit and in fact I did

like before she saw me again like I was changed out of the outfit before we left the theater and so it's like I went back to the hotel changed back into it and went to the bar we drank a lot

of malort too much that might have something to do with it We drank a lot of Malort. Too much, people would say. That sucked. That might add something to do with it. Also, no joke, that got the biggest applause. Yeah. The Malort.

First, it was the monkey, then the Malort. It was the Malort. Upstaged by Malort. I'd say Al Capone was maybe third. Yeah. Maybe third. Honestly, actually, Al Capone was probably fourth. My ex-calling was probably third. That's true. And then us bowing at the end,

bolstered by these two. That was a good-ass bow, though. So, you know, just process of elimination. Hey, we set out to do something and we do it. Yeah, you did it. We bowed. They clapped. Did you guys get a little bow? I don't remember. I gave him a little bow.

He took a little too much. I told him to dial back. I bowed and he was like, too much. I was like, why? I told him a little one. Then we drank Malort with people from New Rockstars who were there with the show. They were really fun. They were cool people.

Then Malort made everyone hellishish and insane i had two shots of that yeah nick over here had like three or four i had like three two wiped me out yeah it's pretty bad it's like drinking a tire like if you like liquefied a tire and then it's very bad it's crazy how like the taste doesn't go away it just sort of like hangs out and then you're like in hell for a long time and we were trying to find food at midnight. And the only place open was a Taco Bell. Yeah. How would you get cheesy gordita crunch?

Nice. I got a smorgasbord. He did. I got a lot. I got the cheesy gordita. I think I also got a quesadilla. I got chips. And then you'd get this.

I got back to my room. They must have fucked up. They also gave me the fucking, which I never order, the cheesy taters. Oh, wow. And I was like, free gift or mistake? I don't know. They probably saw a bug king.

That's why yours took so long. Yeah. The cheesy potatoes with sour cream. Dude, sour cream is just good. Oh, hell yeah. It's creamy. Does sour cream affect your intolerance? I mean, not noticeably.

It's more the cheese. Cheese and milk and ice cream are my greatest enemies. But as we established, you are winning. I actually am winning for sure. I've taken note of the last several times I've thrown caution to the wind. Actually, saying thrown caution to the wind is almost like I chose to not win. It's more just like, oh, I don't have any. Oh, well.

That won't stop me. Did you bring your lactate for this pizza thing? Yeah, it's back at the hotel. Oh, yeah. It's either in the hotel or in my car back in Austin. That even wasn't like, yeah, I brought it. It's at the hotel. I was like, yeah, I brought it, but only because I keep it in my travel bag.

Right. So it happened to be there. It wasn't like on the checklist. I didn't say going to eat at Illuminati, bring lactate. And in fact, I took none. And then I had Taco Bell. But luckily you're winning. I'm winning, dude.

It's getting scared. My stomach's getting scared. Did you take lactate today? Yeah. I guess that's part of it. Just for fun. Just to make your body think. That's what Jordan said.

Jordan said, I thought you were winning. I went, eh, it's in my pocket already. Just for fun. Just to make your body think. That's what Jordan said. Jordan said, I thought you were winning. And I went, eh, it's in my pocket already. It makes sense. So that was the Chicago show. It was a lot of fun. It was great. There was a video. We did make a video.

But it's just Wes taking pictures really fast. Really fast. 88,000 pictures that you just have to wind up. For about 85 minutes. And we're not going to put them together for you. No. You have to go, like, open one picture and then just hit, like, the right arrow key. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

24 times in one second. Right. But first you have to steal them from Wes. Yeah, that's true. Good luck. Oh, I thought he was going to post them for everyone. I don't know. 88,000 photos.

Oh, he probably started uploading them, like, last week. Oh, yeah. Honestly, yeah. He does, does like lossless picture files. They're all in raw. It's an 8K. So they look good. It was fun. It was fun

kind of going around Chicago, but not that fun. It wasn't fun at all. Going to the Michael Jordan statue was cool. I think that was the highlight. That was funny. Well, I think that statue was just so cool. Oh, it was awesome. The cool part of the statue wasn't Michael Jordan. No. It was the demons.

Yes. That he was jumping over for some reason. He was posterizing two demons and they were being sent to the shadow realm. They were fading away. Like in Dragon Ball Z when they get torn apart by the energy blast. Oh, yeah. Like when Cell dies. Yeah, exactly.

They just break apart. I think one of them had that face like you got to look at that and go which players were these supposed to be yeah was this another team or was this teammates are these the guys tracy mcgrady going are these the guys from the documentary hey dude i jordan put me in the fucking shadow realm i've never been a fan of him i took that personally and michael jordan oh right right right you would never put me in the fucking Shadow Realm. I've never been a fan of him. I took that personally. And Michael Jordan.

Oh, right, right, right. You would never put anyone in the Shadow Realm. Yeah. No, in fact, you posed like you were going to the Shadow Realm. Right. Well, we're not worthy. Dude, we had to keep saying over and over again. We're the guys. We were taking a picture, and Jordan and I immediately were replicating the demons.

And they just couldn't understand. What are you doing? We're trying to pose like Michael Jordan. We're like, no, we're the monsters. He's Michael Jordan. We're the monsters. And it's like, what? And I'm literally like, one of them has like a hand like, help me.

Like reaching out. And then the other one's just kind of going like. He's just a face. That was me and Jordan. Yeah. And then I think we all took one picture together in front of the Michael Jordan statue and then I was asked to step out.

So I took a picture with the Scotty Pippen banner. Yeah, but also you were having a mental breakdown at the bean. What do you mean? You were like, my phone didn't work. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not the phone thing.

The bean. We went to the bean and you looked up at the Bean. And you were like, ah. Your eyes rolled into the back of your head. Well, my eyes did what I call chameleon style, where they started going in two different directions so I could see all around me all at once. Yeah, I guess I should clarify.

It was definitely more of a physical breakdown. Yeah, it was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mentally broken. You shut down. Yeah. You shut down. You were just like, oh.

And then you just kept looking up and then meanwhile, Nick is just going, oh! Just staring up and he's like, and then he started pointing to his reflection.

Yeah, pointing at the other monkeys and trying to fight them. Oh, and then he was like, getting like, ready to go. He was like,

gonna fight. That was great. Man. But again, what if we did none of that? Oh, that would have been fine too. That would have been great. That's what I thought we were going to do.

And then we got there and I forgot we had to do a bunch of other crap that wasn't the show. It was a long day. That was a really long day. But the live show was really good. So hopefully we can do some more live shows and do one day turnarounds and just fly in, do the show and leave. That would be great. Spend time in these other cities. I mean, really, we're doing what we set out to do,

which is eat food from the city, judge the entire place, buy that food, and get out. We've got all the information we need. And possibly, now adding to that list, take over that city. That's true. That's what I'm hoping for next time. Maybe we should go back to Chicago and take over. What other cities do you think would probably,

I'm like, Minneapolis, St. Paul is probably pretty easy. Like no one's really going to put up a fight there. The thing is, there's going to be a lot that are really easy, but do we want them? Do you want them?

Right. What are we going to do with Twin Cities? We could probably go to Mobile, Alabama. You know, cause a ruckus, but I don't know that we want to. Cause a ruckus. You know what I mean?

Like, we could set up a, we just show them our cell phones and they go, which? I was going to say, honestly, we don't really need to do much. We could set up like a bridge troll toll on the railroad. They would just shut down the whole place. All we need to do is co-opt a term that they revere. We go in there and start saying, we're kings now. And they'll be like, oh, you're

in charge. See, I think innately they would hate kings because it's like I feel like they're going to be deeply rooted Americans and they're going to hate the colonies in Britain. I don't think kings is the way to go. We'd be senators, but I don't know if they know what that is.

Yeah. Or how exactly that works. We could be mayors. Mayor is a good one, right? Mayor feels like... The shittier, tinier the town, the more important a mayor is. Mayor is like God in some towns, right? We're like, what's the mayor?

He's the mayor! All four of them. Our four mayors have returned. It's like when I'm listening to, I don't know, maybe Dateline NBC or something. And they mention the sheriff. They mention the sheriff. And they say, then half of the police force was arrested. And I went, oh, my God.

It was two people. It was two out of three. And I was like, what do you even do with three people? They're all corrupt. Clearly nothing must be going on. There's three people? They're just whistleblowers, but they're blowing whistles at each other. Yeah, it's just that.

Oh, my God. So we could definitely take over. But again, it's what you said. You walk in and you go, well, there's four of us. Yeah, and three policemen automatically they're outnumbered. Hey, we win. Yeah. That's what you say.

We just walk in and go, hi, excuse me, put down your arms. And they go, yep, four. And they put it down. We walk in and say, we're outnumbered, boys. I'll take that hat. Then I turn around and I go, Maxie, it's me. Yee-haw. What a little ribbon to put on that one.

Yeah, what a little wet whistle. Yep. Jordan? How about a haiku, gentlemen? Haiku? Wow! This one's about Pizza Hut. Well, that's, I mean, not good.

Forged in grease and cheese. Take these insipid flavors and make it spicy. Oh, nice. He didn't say it. No, he didn't. Basically what the... Yeah, I did. There was an earlier version

where I was trying to work in Spice Rat. I figured Spice Rat would definitely make it. Dude, I was going... On the note, Eric wrote, will he say Spice Rat? Yep. But didn't put a question mark.

Nope. Yeah. It was a statement. I'm going to get to the facts. Let's do it. Let's learn. Our previous Pizza Hut episode was released March 31st, 2020.

Two years ago. 2020. What the hell? Where we ate the Big Dipper and Mozzarella Popper pizzas. It received an average score of 17.5. That's why we haven't gone to Pizza Hut. We were upset about it. Because it sucked.

Yep. Because it sucked. It was a regular haven't gone back to pizza. We were upset about it. Because it sucked. It was a regular pizza that they cut into squares. There was that and then there was the mozzarella popper ones on the back of the crust. You had to peel them off with little growths. And it got 17.

It's good to know that even two years ago, as long as this podcast has been going, you could say two years ago was a while ago. Yeah. Right? Like way earlier near the start of the podcast. Especially like the evolution of the show. Right.

Even two years ago, I can tell you, we were punishing restaurants because that wasn't just for the food. That was because Pizza Hut, I know we were like, you should be better than this. You should be ashamed of yourself. With score inflation, a 17.5 in 2020

is like it's like a 5.5 in 2022 yeah i think that might have been the last one that we did in person before we had to start recording well what started as remotely and then in our cars right so that's crazy pizza hut yeah they weren't good times. They were good times only in comparison to doing them at home. Yes. That was better. However, a lot of Eric's hood getting messy was very funny. That sucked. It was always getting sticky or sauce.

And the wind would blow. This guy, we'd get out of our cars. And we'd be like, what are you doing? And then he'd make the little picnic table on his car. Where else am I supposed to put it? And then it would spill everywhere. And then it'd make the little picnic table on his car Where else was I supposed to put it? And then it would spill everywhere And then it happened multiple times But one day was like the great disaster

It was like a bunch of shit everywhere I feel like it was like blue cheese And that was the day where Jordan just goes I mean why don't we just go inside I'm furious And Erica lost it Because we couldn't go inside Because that was the whole point we were

doing it outside like we chose oh yeah we shouldn't go inside lost it god i know that was close to us coming back inside but because because i think it was kind of like do you think we could go in and you're like i'm i'm i'm going through the channels to see if like because other productions were coming back but basically it was just like it cost a fuck ton of money to go through all the um like clearance and shit at that point and uh you know two years ago was also it was just way more complicated it cost more money right blah blah and it's like for this shit show fuck you a show that we can quite clearly do in our cars and we're just like we hate it though and it's like fuck off we but you weren't going i just i don't know why we can go inside

i had to get special permission to do it in our cars in the parking lot he may have actually gotten mad i was thinking about it at that point and then he was and then i think he said it and i think i got mad i think he actually was mad i just remember being very surprised he took it so, like, seriously. I was already starting to think about getting mad. That's what it was. I don't think you noticed he was thinking about getting mad, and you just kind of said it offhandedly, and he just blew up. I think that's what made him so mad.

He was like, yes! Hey, dumb dumb. Yeah, it was. It was so flippant and it's like what the fuck Yeah he was mad He was real mad That was when everything changed And the titans attacked Season finale part 2 Airing now

I think we're ready for fact 2 In the early days of Pizza Hut, before the iconic red roof logo, there was an actual Pizza Hut mascot named Pizza Pete, a mustachioed man who delivered pizzas to customers. Do you think he's related to pasta Pete and would make you drink six to seven glasses of poison water or take you to Olive Garden on a trick? six to seven glasses of poison water or take you to Olive Garden on a trick?

You know, describing Pasta Pete's character, he would really do well to have a sinister mustache. Yeah, definitely. Oh, for sure. Or like a Hans Gruber goatee. But he wouldn't know it, though. No, I was going to say, that's it.

He would twirl the mustache, but have no idea. Yeah, he would have no idea that it looks sinister. And he would be, there would be no like nefarious intent. Well, he would be saying things that were pretty like commonplace. But like the act of him twirling his mustache would make them seem very insidious. I feel like. If he was saying like, yes, I'll deliver your pizza.

I feel like though he'd be twirling his mustache. But you know, it's like the curl and you twirl but then it always bounces back. It would just be all fucked up and it wouldn't look right and instead everyone would be like yo your mustache is out of whack. He's like grabbing part of it but it's only half of the one side so like some of it's going down.

So now it's just like robot neck. He poisoned me. That maybe helped with the cheese though. Yeah definitely. I think maybe it's like now I'm sitting here going, what could it be? Boyle notice. Why? I had seven glasses,

seven glasses, sucked it down. It's like someone said, don't drink that. And I said, I'll show you fine. Yep. Totally fine.

Now I'm not lactose intolerant anymore. I'm pretty sure. You probably have another health issue to make up for it, but we haven't found out yet. We'll find out next year during the next boil notice when I start sucking it down from day one. From walk-in pharmacies to funeral homes, many businesses are housed inside former restaurant locations

proving that, in fact, you can out-pizza the hut. That's sad. I found a website that is dedicated to posting pictures of businesses of former pizza huts. Okay. And there are... They have, like, the shape, but there's something else. So many churches.

It's stunning. Stunning how many churches are inside of former pizza huts. Why don't they pray to pizza? Go in there and pray to Pizza Pete? Well, some actually say... Pizza Pete on the cross? There's actually some... He died for our...

Go ahead. You're almost there. You're so close. Here we go. He died for our sauce. Oh, there we go. He got so close. Here we go. He died for our sauce. Oh, there we go. He got there. Yeah, you're alright. I liked it. He clapped. He clapped at everything. I was gonna

say that there's actually, I don't know if there's new historians saying that the cross was actually triangular shaped. Oh! And so he might have actually been crucified to a pizza. His head was in the crust. Well, and You have to think about the people who crucified. Little Caesar was there and he was the one.

He's the Pontius Pilate in this whole thing of pizza pizza. I don't think they have planes. No, it's a band. This sucks. At those churches when you take the sacrament, it's just a pizza crust. Oh, there you go.

That was a long walk, but we got there. They should just cut the little wafers into a triangle. There you go. Still tastes like shit. Yum-o. Hey. Yep. Did you know that in 1997 of Our Lord and Savior,

comma, Pizza Hut, not... You know who I'm talking about. Pizza Hut sued Papa John's over its, comma, Pizza Hut. You know who I'm talking about. Pizza Hut sued Papa John's over its, quote, better ingredients, better pizza slogan, going so far as to have scientists perform tests to prove that Papa John's ingredients did not taste better. Pizza Hut lost. Looking back, I think that if Papa John should be sued for something he said, there's probably

a way more slam dunk thing they could have picked. Like what? I don't know. There's got to be something. Something he's been trying to take out of his vocabulary. Mozzarella? I forgot about that. It was mozzarella, right?

He posted a video and it had to be taken down. Isn't he going to be speaking at the Republican National Convention thing? I don't know. Is he? I think so. You'd know. No, Jordan told me. Oh.

Not me. Another Jordan. Michael Jordan. Michael Jordan told him. Oh, the statue was talking to you, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, I thought that was just me and I didn't want to bring it up. Well, he was definitely whispering to me and Michael simultaneously. Yeah, he kept saying, you're the demon. I'll set you free. I'll set you too. See, I thought that was just me and I didn't want to bring it up. Well, he was definitely whispering to me and Michael simultaneously.

Yeah, he kept saying, you're the demon. I'll set you free. I'll set you free. And I thought that was weird. Oh, that's weird. He whispered to me, Papa John is going to speak

at the Republican National Convention. He's all over the place. It's crazy. Multitasker. I want to point out, my favorite part of this is that Better Ingredients, Better Pizza isn't calling out anyone directly. No. Tasker. I want to point out my favorite part of this is that better ingredients, better pizza isn't calling out

anyone directly. No. But for pizza to be like, what the fuck? That's... Excuse me. Also, what is the test? Right? I just like to think of it going, scientist, what ingredient is better? And every

chef or judge in the world went, oh, fuck. Just so you're. And every like chef or like judge in the world went, oh, fuck. Just so you're aware, Nick was over there pretending to be a scientist by taking bites of pizza. Just so you're aware. I'm doing research. But it was a whole thing where Pizza Hut won

and got paid $12 million and then Papa John's appealed and another judge just went, this is stupid what the fuck apparently pizza hut has a slogan that says the best pizza under one roof and papa john's just went well what the fuck and the judge went yeah and made him give all the money back nice i got rules and that's what ruined pizza that must have it. At over 300 million pounds of cheese used annually, Pizza Hut accounts for 3% of cheese production in the U.S.

Lucky for one hero. It's weird that you used the number one. I agree. Type it. It's very, very odd. Well, it's one hero and two hero. He is evolving beyond lactose intolerance. One A hero.

Maybe we can up that to a cool 4%. I would argue I've already done that. I order extra on every cheese. Although, I guess I'm not helping Pizza Hut because I usually get Domino's because they're much better. Okay. Because they're much better. How much of that percentage is Domino's? I feel like Domino's is probably like a good 5%.

No, see, I feel like it's not because as we've discussed, Pizza Hut foolishly is still at the top for some reason. They shouldn't be, but they are. It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't feel right. It's not right. Yeah. It's not right.

It's like if Burger King were higher than McDonald's. It wouldn't make any sense at all. It makes no sense. There's somebody listening to this and you just said that. And they went like that. Hey, you guys guys You like McDonald's What's wrong With Burger King

Is anyone else tired of that They're the same thing Why do they keep Shitting on Pizza Hut I've been going there Since I was three I like the one guy I think I've already said this

But I like one guy We were talking about Burger King And how much it sucks And so He said something like The meat tastes like smoke. And he had a story of basically how he used to go there as a kid

and then went there recently as an adult and was like, oh my God, it tastes like smoke. Because he broke free from the chains that bound his mind. The thought that Burger King is good. If you are fed Burger King as a child you will continue to go it's people you'll continue to be fine with Burger King if you stop eating Burger King

and eat something else good for a period of time and then go back and then go back you'll go oh this tastes like smoke I argue you don't even have to eat something else good I think if you just stopped eating Burger King for a couple of months your body would cleanse itself of it, and then when you reintroduce

it, it would go, oh! There will be a period where you go through withdrawals, and you're sweating a lot, and you get the shakes. You start smelling like smoke. Right, it's coming out. You're sweating smoke out of you somehow, but

it's all part of the healing process. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So Pizza Hut being number one, insane. Burger King, I don't even think it's number two, is it? It's more like number poo. Whoa! Got him. There you go.

Those are the facts. How much cheese have you been consuming since you decided that you're evolving past that? Oh, not any more than usual usual because it's never stopped me. But I've had considerably less stomach aches. I think it is the water. I think pasta peat fortified your insides. It's possible.

Wow. Maybe you're just not absorbing anymore. I think we need to donate Michael to science. I'm on a donor list. Yeah. I dropped dead. You cut me up. Shit me out. Open up my insides and see if it's lead lined. Dude, the only

thing that sucks about... Find out what's wrong with me. The only thing that sucks about that is I'll never know. It's true. They could just keep my brain alive long enough where I can see. And then they go, you must have drinking all the poison water. And then you go? It's true. They could just keep my brain alive long enough where I can see. Yeah. And then they go, you must have drinking all the poison water.

And then you go, that's it. And then you die. That's how you could tell I have a heart for the people. Oh, beautiful. I have a heart for the people. You truly are a humble man. Yep.

You know? When I renew my license, though, I'm going to take it off. That's good. That's smart. Yeah, keep all those. That's yours.

Those are yours. Well, the thing is, okay, when you fill out your license, it's like you're going to be a donor. Yeah. And I go, what do I need it for? And now it's like, you can't have it.

I need this. Was there a reason you changed your mind or you just decided to change your mind? Well, now I'm just giving them away. I will be a donor. Hence the word donation. But now when I die, I'm going to privately be all chopped up and like contained. It's like, what if my kids need parts oh I'm a likely yeah right

so still harvest transplant harvest all the organs but keep it in the family nobody I liked enough to keep it in the garage Timmy that's fine but you know like family members are usually more compatible you know so it's like you need a new heart.

Michael's is in the fucking refrigerator. It's in the garage freezer. It needs to be on ice, but I don't think they want it frozen. I'm not sure how that works. Delicate balance. Anyway, my guts are coming out. It's just you, listener, may have gotten them one day, but now you might not.

You really should have a say as to where those organs go, you know? Well, I think you do. I don't even think that you need to have a say. I just think that if you ever had a podcast they should like attach something and goes like, hey, this guy had a podcast. Yeah, just so you know. Like, you might not want his. Yeah, where did like your fingers come from or whatever, you know?

And it's like, oh, this is from this guy had a fast food podcast. You think someone would turn it down? Yeah, yeah. They would go, the doctors are like, no, but it's a, oh, this is from, this guy had a fast food podcast. You think someone would turn it down? Yeah, they would go, the doctors are like, no, but it's a match. No, I don't want. Next. I don't want that spleen. It's probably seen some shit. Can I get a hog heart?

A red web? And then they turn it down, and it's like, damn. I want the heart of a squonk. Nick really liked that one. We gotta get hog hearts. Dude, I'll hog up. I'm ready. I'm ready for hog organs.

Bro, start fucking breathing that hog for me right now. I'll come pick it up. Let me know. I'll come by. I'll look through the window. That one.

Did you see that in order for the hog heart to work, they had to give the guy like a little bit of cocaine? No, I didn't see that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to get it moving? Yeah, they had to give the guy a little bit of cocaine. No, I didn't see that. Just to get it moving?

Yeah, they were just like, this pig heart must be slow. Like before or after the hog heart? Yeah, I don't know. Well, they probably went, you fucking lived to the hog heart, dude. They just start cutting it up. They take all the instruments off that silver tray and they just start pouring it on there. Well, it was weird because the operation took place in a Friday's bathroom. So that actually makes sense. Yeah, it wasn't on purpose.

It was just like a byproduct. This guy's heart failed in Fridays. What do we have? They're like, we got a bathroom, a cocaine, and a hog. What do we do? He's like, I need all three. Let's get to work. MacGyver shows up alright Jordan you wanna teach us about this food spicy double pepperoni

the pepperoni lovers dream layered with spicy marinara sauce two types of pepperonis classic and crispy cupped. Sliced red chilies and fiery flakes. Both F's capitalized. But no trademark. They all look like the same pepperoni.

They do. They're all cups. Were there any not cups? I think they all got cooked to the point that they cupped. Oh, good. Cat showing us pieces of pepperonis. There's a piece of a flat-ish one. Oh, there's a cupped one and non-cupped one.

Boom. That's good. The cupped ones are small. I have to say, I love the way Kat showed it off to the class. I was also going to say, I love how she could not look any more bored or disinterested while doing it. Right. It was like,

it was like something you asked for and she didn't want to do, but did it anyway. But it's interesting because it wasn't. And it was something she chose to do of her own free will and almost looked angry. Right? So bored, it was almost disgust. There's the fucking pepperoni. Look at it.

There you go. Look, and the pepperoni was falling apart. Helping out these idiots who don't know what two pepperonis look like. I can't believe I want to go into this line of work. There you go, Kat. That's being being a producer maybe Wes will release the video we've been taking pictures of her the whole time non-stop oh shit okay so that's the first one

so there's a spicy Hawaiian chicken there you go not just a spicy Hawaiian I don't know why it's a Hawaiian chicken so what's a Hawaiian at that point then right it's just a chicken pizza with the pineapple. Yeah. Let it go. It's not like it was chicken and ham.

Let it go. What I said before we started was I was like, wait, this isn't Hawaiian. There's chicken. And then Eric went, huh, maybe it's not called a Hawaiian. And then they see me go, ah, we did it though. Yep. Okay. For some reason.

Yep. It's a delightful mix of spicy and sweet. Spicy marinara sauce, chicken, pineapple, sliced red chilies, and fiery flakes. It was? That? I got a feeling this spicy veggie is going to sound similar. A colorfully vibrant sight to behold. Parentheses, Andy.

This one's fun. This one's like Eric wrote it. Spicy marinara sauce, green bell peppers, red onions, mushrooms, sliced red chilies, and fiery flakes. Yep. So you looked at that one and someone went, wow, that's a great looking pizza. Yeah. And then the person who brought it looked around and went, yeah. And you can eat it.

And they went, write that down, write that down. What? It's art. It's a feast for your eyes and your mouth. Wow. All right, Jordan. Press material. Oh boy, another long one.

How's this one going to make me feel? Are we going to learn about... Celiac disease or whatever? Yeah, whatever the fuck. That was crazy. What the fuck, right? All right. Quote, pizza has been making iconic pizzas for generations.

There's no question mark there. That's added by Jordan. That's me questioning them. And that requires adapting for each new wave of pizza lovers, said George Ann Erickson. Oh, no. Another wave of pizza lovers. They're coming right for us.

This is a big one. Brace. It's like playing Gears of War. I'm on the ninth wave of pizza lovers. Somebody close that hole. Get together. war. I'm on the ninth wave of pizza lovers! Somebody close that hole! Get together! We need to throw a cheese grenade into the emergence

hole! They're playing horde mode with pizza lovers. We can't use any more cheese! We've already used 5% of the US's cheese supply! Oh my god. Cover me, this one's lactose intolerant. Boom! supply oh my god cover me this one's lactose intolerant uh georgianne erickson is the chief brand officer of pizza hut as consumer tastes continue getting

more adventurous the launch of spicy lovers pizza allows pizza hut to satisfy the growing craving for well-balanced spicy flavor. No other national pizza QSR is offering spicy pizza in the space. Did this just turn into a tech company? Is that the QSR space?

Or the pizza space? What space are we talking about specifically? Are we talking about... I feel like she should talk like Elizabeth Holmes or something. This person's been in too many internal meetings and doesn't know how to speak outside. Guys, they're really infiltrating the pizza space.

Yep. And they're excited to bring this thoughtfully crafted spicy pizza to pizza lovers across the country. Which wave of pizza lover were you? Thoughtfully crafted. Spicy pizza to pizza lovers across the country. Oh, boy. Which wave of pizza lover were you? Oh, I was front line.

Front line. I was there. I was the first wave. Yeah. I was there on the beaches. Yeah. Yeah. Cheese beach.

I stormed cheese beach. They were just fucking. It was us against Papa John. It was Papa John. He was lobbing marinara mortars and slurs at everyone on the beach. It's such an easy one-to-one. Oh, shit.

Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. Oh, this is a good one. I was in the wave a couple days after. I parachuted in behind once the line was established. Mom, I have to do a report on pizza lovers and what wave they were. Can I ask Grandpa about it? Grandpa doesn't talk about his time.

He doesn't talk about that. I heard Grandpa was a POW. A pizza of war. A pizza of war. Ask your great uncle. He was the third wave. He just picked up topics. He's easier to talk to you about.

Don't believe all of his stories. He exaggerates. Those are not. How come when Grandpa watches. It wasn't extra cheese. How come when Grandpa watches Band of Pizza Brothers, he gets so sad?

Band of Pizza Brothers. When Grandpa sees a pizza commercially, he has to get up and leave the room. That reminds me of how my dad's dad was a POW in World War II. Are you serious? Yeah.

He was actually in the Army Air Corps and got shot down. But that show Hogan's Heroes that came on in the 60s would come on. My dad would watch it as a kid, and my grandpa would watch and go, this is inaccurate. That might be accurate for how the pizza wars are, but it's not. This isn't how it was. I still just want to circle back real quick. Yeah. That of all of the pizza talk we were having, Jordan just added the word pizza

to Band of Brothers. Well, isn't there a Pizza Brothers restaurant? I'm just saying that one was my favorite. God. Man. Fuck. All right.

So let's. What do we do? We don't get to the rating fast enough. Yeah, that's true. We should wait. Oh, my God. 48 minutes. We need to start.

Dude, this episode's almost over. Well, that's because we're. It's all filler, no meat. You know what I mean? And I'm a meat lover. People are starting to listen to these podcasts and go, I'm sorry. This middle shit, I don't come... This is not why I'm here.

I fast forward to the number. I want to know what you're reviewing, who are the hosts, because I forget every episode. Right, right, right. Who are they? And what is the goddamn rating? And there's just about, you know,

three minutes of content, then 58 minutes of filler. Yeah. Plus 10 to 19 minutes of ads. Yeah. Anywhere in the neighborhood of 10 to 19 minutes. Oh, man. All right, Jordan, what'd you think?

You know, I feel like the haiku was pretty accurate because the spicy shit they add to it just kind of covers up the horrible flavors of Pizza Hut. And really, it was just spicy. Like, it wasn't like, oh, my God, it's so spicy. It was, like, just spicy enough to, like, hang out on your tongue and not be any other flavor. It didn't overstay its welcome like Malort.

Yes. That Malort, I feel is, that's still, I still taste it. Yeah, definitely. It's in me. It's part of the flashbacks I get. But yeah, it was okay. But like it's Pizza Hut in general so greasy and then it's so unappealing in the way it looks it really is it like i pulled the slice off this pizza was not

cut properly no i had to rip it off no and like put it on like all we had was paper towels because nick couldn't fight plates that were big enough he found some plates he found he found the little plastic cover you'd put on like a salad lid. No, they're lids. Those are lids. No, it's a salad lid, but it's so small,

it's smaller than a slice of pizza. Kat's lid slash plate has turned into some sort of soup. She's making a meat salad is what it looks like. Well, she's picking off all the pepperonis and showing us the whole time. Yeah, it is every pepperoni.

I think she grabbed more off pizza she didn't eat. But also, that's it is every pepperoni yeah i think she grabbed more off pizza she didn't eat but also that's probably like you won't need these that's like a whole layer of cheese because like you go to bite it and all the cheese it is you can see why they're three percent cheese it's a lot of cheese on this pizza but yeah i just don't i don't like pizza hut and i don't need spicy pizza hut version so oh 20 okay fuck pizza hut damn fuck pizza hut um yeah it's not good it's i wouldn't say it's like bad pizza but it's just like okay this is pizza it doesn't have any like flavor like pop yeah you know as as cheap as a gimmick it might be with domino's doing the, like, the paste on the crust.

You know what I mean? They just, like, brush it on. Dude. Fucking tastes great. Tastes amazing. Tastes great, right? That was revolutionary in the pizza space. It's just, it's dry, not in a sense that, like, the dough is dry.

But it's just like, okay, it's decent crust, but it tastes like nothing. Yeah. Like, their breadsticks are good, but they flavor the shit out of them. And they just don't do it with their pizza for some reason. I don't understand it. This also didn't taste like Pizza Hut. It did not. The sauce is different on this and everything and it just didn't. It was just

whatever. If you told me it was Pizza Hut I would have been like Well wasn't it spicy marinara? Yeah. Maybe they should just default to that. It's like what you were saying with the spice. Like, it was spicy, but also it just tasted like you put a bunch of red pepper flakes on it. Yeah, exactly. You just ground it out.

You already. You can just do, they literally give you those. Yeah, I do that already, so it doesn't matter. I do it, this pizza was like, oh, this would be like more than I would use. Yes. That's it. That's literally what it tastes like. And so it was fine.

It did nothing to wow me. And I had all three, as you heard me, mostly eat the last one. When you say, do they eat on the podcast? And you say, no, they don't. Just don't recommend this one. Yeah, right, right, right. Fast forward through the first five minutes,

and then you're good. What would be funny is if someone listened from the beginning, got here, and then quit. They went, fuck that. I'm out. Turns out they do eat. Guys, guys, I just found out. But it's not good.

It's not good comparatively. I had Domino's the other day. It's good. Dude, what if Domino's did this? I mean. That'd be interesting. I'd probably be Domino's did this? I mean... That'd be... Interesting. I'd probably be into it more than this. Probably.

I'm going to have to also... Just give him a solid... I'm going to give him a 22. Really? Okay. No. Yeah. Okay. It's an average score of 21.

And that's higher than last time. Yeah. And this... This was slightly better than last time. So I will say that if we would have scored what we ate last time is what we talked about earlier with like that score inflation where it probably would have gotten like a five before. This is 21 on like a now scale back then probably would have been somewhere like a 50 40 something

50. And like it feels like this is we've really figured it out. And 21 is what this pizza should get. We have a snack attack. Just get Domino's. Yeah, really. I'm just saying it. We have a snack attack, and I asked Kat, I said, you can pick whatever snack you want.

Whoa, Kat picked the snack? Yeah, it's a Kat snack. It's a Kat snack? Yeah. That kind of rhymes. Let's see what she puts in these bags. You went to a different place? Yeah, that's kind of crazy.

Nope. That's kind of crazy. Nope. That's kind of crazy. Oh, nice try. What's in these? Nice try. Oh, so we have, oh, what's this? So it's just. Oh, my God.

Blink twice if he made you do this. Guys, it's. Cat betrayed all of us equally. Here's the thing. I can't believe she did this to us. To all of us, yeah. I can't believe she did this to all of us. Hey, that reminds me. It's tiny tacos. I can't believe she did this to us. I can't believe she did this to all of us.

Hey, that reminds me. It's Jack in the Box Tiny Tacos. Last weekend, we went to a soccer game. We're talking about what we were going to eat for this week. Eric was giving suggestions. He was like, oh, the spicy pizza. I think Schlotzky's came up. Didn't they talk about doing that?

Yeah. Somehow he was like, no. But then he was like, Oh, Jack in the Box. I mean, bleep in the bleep. Has something, and I was just like, why would you bring that up? I'm letting you know. Wow! Did you do it in public because you know I can't

meet you? Oh my gosh, she messed up so much getting these. I was gonna text you. I was gonna text you and be like, you'll never believe what Eric just tried to pull. And now he tries to find a workaround like this. So messed up that she did this and betrayed us all. Now we're not going to do snack attack. Well, no, we're doing snack attack.

No, we have to do snack attack now because we have this and we have to. And he's trying to do this thing where he's blaming Kat, like throwing her under the bus. Like, no, we're not that dumb. The monkey is holding a gun we know we know we know eric went and bought it and then like and then like dropped it in your bag if cat's in that picture you put a taco over it she betrayed us all equally and got the this guy could not wait to rip it open and start sucking it eric eric this is Eric, can you calm down?

You're like almost too surprised by this. I can't believe it. He ripped the tab on his box just to get it open. He was like- It's so crazy. It's crazy that she did that. So it's tiny tacos again? Yeah, so what is nachos?

Nacho tiny tacos. Fully loaded bacon. What did we have last time? Bacon loaded- They were the red ones. The red ones were red. Do you remember what we scored those ones? Low.

No, I think. Did we score them? Do you not have that guy's website favorited yet? Or bookmarked? No, not yet. I feel like you're going to correct that after this. I'm sure you could just start typing in autocomplete. Guys.

I'll help you out. Jammer website. It's facejampodstats.com. Just so you're aware. You're aware watching the little pizzas she's making I don't know what's going on over here she had a little shred of a pizza like a fruit strip that had been cut

and then started dabbing it into the remnants on her lid plate spicy tiny tacos what did you just say spiny what the fuck did you just say the remnants on her lid plate. Spicy Tiny Tacos got... What did you just say, Spiny? What the fuck did you just say? Spicy Tiny Tacos got 66.15. You both scored it 66.15.

Shirt's looking a little bit too groovy there, buddy. So, anyway, she... That thing's really high. She betrayed us and got the tacos, and now we have to one-bite review them. I'm not doing shit. I'm going to give it 33. Oh, okay. But you're supposed to take the bite. I'm not doing shit. I'm going to give it 33. Oh, okay.

But you're supposed to take the bite. I'm just assuming it's half as bad as the other one. Uh-huh. And then... No, don't do it, Michael. Here you go, Nick. Don't give in. I'm not giving in.

He's trying to bully us. I'm not bullying... This is... Kat did this, not me. What the fuck was that? I don't know. What did you do? Did you hear...

No, he just went... That was him. That was you? Uh-huh. No, that was you. No, that must have been Kat. I was willing to give it one effort because no one else clearly knew,

and Nick went, hell no. And I went, oh, okay. Kat betrayed us twice then. Oh, no. We knew it! Yeah! Look at that. No! no. We do it. Yeah. Look at that. Look at that abomination.

You dumped it out of the box into Eric's water, and it stayed in its box form. Yeah, it really didn't go anywhere. It's congealed. You want me to put this in my mouth? Look at this. He'd rather drink poison water. Yeah. Call up Pete.

I'm thirsty. Jordan? No, thanks. Damn, he's just not doing it. Look. We can't. We can't let Eric win. He won't win. Here's what I'll do. I'm going to try it. Oh. Hang on.

Oh. I'd love to review it, but it's banned, so. I give it an N-A. I can't. I wish I could N-A. I can't. I wish I could. This one was really worth reviewing. You give it an N-A? I give it a B-A-N. We should have

probably done this for a real episode. Why didn't we? Yeah, I agree. I can't believe Kat did this to us. Well, Kat brought it to the table. Why didn't you let her do it? Right. Why did you tell her you can pick whatever you want Just don't go to Jack in the Box

Why do you keep keeping her ideas down And we're back So when you use your good idea Man I wish you would have let us rate you I will say I tricked you It was my idea No way

Nani the fuck What are we doing No way. Nani? Nani the fuck? What are we doing? What's happening here? My reaction to that was similar to Kat's reaction when she was holding up the pepperoni. Bored and disinterested. You I care less about, though. You kind of have to be here.

This is like, theoretically on paper, like, wow, what a good experience what what's been here 10 years what's with the tiny tacos making everyone make weird sounds cats like what the fuck am i out of here we're gonna go change my degree she like wrote and prepared an episode of red web it's all thought out and researched. And then we messaged today and I went, can you pick up tiny tacos? Who wants to do homework, though? We're the fun class.

You can call us by our first name. We sit in our chairs backwards. We just rap. Let's rap. So that's Snack Attack. If you want to send us snacks, you can. You send them to Face Jam, Care of Eric Bedore, 1901 East 51st Street,

Austin, Texas, 78723. You can also check out the post stat, previous stats. The monkey's sitting in his chair backwards. He's so cool. Oh my God. You can check out our previous episode stats at facejampodstats.com.

Jammer Tanner is the one who made that site. Thank you, Tanner. Jammer Tanner. And you can follow us on instagram and on twitter at face jam pod store.rusheteeth.com for all your face jam needs we will have i've been talking to merch today uh spice rat shirt reprint whoa yeah finally i can get one jesus i know it was like well what about this color? Because this other color I can't get yet. Well, that's what I'm trying to get.

Make sure it's the same one. I want the first one. Bam! Yeah. That's the spice rat. Oh, wow. It sounds like a cat, but I like it. It's pretty spicy.

That's how it'll trick you. Yep. So there you have it. Jordan, any final notes? I think we take our big old face jam jam stick and put deeper in its hole. What? It ain't getting out any time soon. I was waiting for you to say more so I can envision what a jam stick was in my head.

It's a big old stick. And then you got finished and it didn't help. I'm just like, it's a shovel. It's a gun. No, it's a stick. I don't. And we're got it okay

jamming it into the hole more yep deeper into the abyss as you usually put something in a hole yeah we found her body jammed three feet

under the surface my god they must have used a giant jam stick you haven't gotten to that episode of Dateline yet they didn't jam her

deep enough the animals dug her up I have gotten to that episode of Dateline yet. They didn't jam her deep enough. The animals dug her up. I have gotten to that one many times. When you die, they jam you six feet deep. That's why when I die, I take all my guts. But save them. Don't jam them. I might want those later.

I'm going to have a refrigerator, and I'm going to say, Daddy's little organs. I'm going to write on it. And that's where they go. Wrap it up. Then you need they go. That's where they go. All right, wrap it up. Then you need to go, oh, no, I need a, we need to trade for a Hog Heart. Like, run, okay, you go into the garage.

There's a refrigerator. It's like, well, daddy's little organ. Rate and subscribe and tell a friend about the show where we eat food and rate the food. Send it to someone you know who's an organ donor.