100% Eat - Red Lobster Wagyu Bacon Cheeseburger

Episode Date: February 16, 2021

In this episode, Michael Jones and Jordan Cwierz eat and review Red Lobster Wagyu Bacon Cheeseburger so you know if it's worth eating. They also talk about Donkey Muscles, Nick's return to editing, Moon Cheese, and more. Sponsored by Hello Fresh (http://HelloFresh.com/facejam10 and use code facejam10) and Honey (http://joinhoney.com/facejam) Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

That's the sound of unaged whiskey transforming into Jack Daniel's Tennessee whiskey in Lynchburg, Tennessee. Around 1860, Nearest Green taught Jack Daniel how to filter whiskey through charcoal for a smoother taste, one drop at a time. This is one of many sounds in Tennessee with a story to tell. To hear them in person, plan your trip at tnvacation.com. Tennessee sounds perfect. This is a Rooster Teeth production. Welcome to Face Jam. I'm just as surprised as you are. The show where we try every new fast food creation to let you know if you need it, you probably do.

Thanks to HelloFresh and Honey for making this show possible. I'm your host, Michael Jones, alongside my co-host, Jordan Sweers. Happy to have him. Nothing but compliments. Not backhanded at all. Great that he's here. Smile on my face. The sun is shining. Not a cloud in sight. Jordan, how are ya? Confused

now. Why are you confused? Last week I gave, or the last episode, I gave you a good intro and I got shit for it. And you went, did he mean it? And I was just trying to remove all doubt and I feel and I got shit for it. And you went, did he mean it? And I was just trying to remove all doubt. And I feel like I've just added more. Yeah. How I feel is doubtful.

Put me on the injury report. I'm doubtful. Also, it's cloudy as shit today. Liar. No, no, no. I mean, when I'm talking cloudy, I'm talking like storm clouds, I guess. You know, they're not rainy looking clouds. They're nice and fluffy.

I feel like Michael's confusion is now spreading through the cast because right before we started, he looked at the fact sheet. He just looked at the format for like the first time and he went, that's what we ate? And then the music started and we're right into the episode i'm always thinking i'm always thinking that was really something never never stops moving up here okay like the you look at the side of an old locomotive uh-huh i'm that little bar that goes around by the wheel that's me whatever that bar is called Yeah, there's no name for it, it's just called the little bar It's prominently featured

You know I think it's the chugga part of the choo choo Oh, okay, yeah I'd be the chugga chugga I feel like Eric would be the choo choo Oh, definitely He comes out of the Friday's bathroom and screams choo choo And we have an engineer

Oh, we got him. He's got the hat and everything. So what's Jordan? I'm in the caboose. I think Jordan's the rest of the train. Jordan's the entirety of the train. That's what I thought. I'm like,

Jordan's keeping it on the tracks. The rest of us are trying to derail it. Well, this is Face Jam, and we do review fast food items here. So I feel at this point I should inform you that today we're reviewing the Red Lobster Wagyu Bacon Cheeseburger. Red Lobster Cheeseburger? Huh? What? Was there fish in it?

No, because I didn't throw up. And that's why we're doing the hamburger at the seafood restaurant. I like it. I like it, dude. This is where we get Red Lobster checked off. Yeah. But we didn't have to have another Long John Silver situation. What do you mean another?

What do you mean? We didn't have to have another Long John Silver situation. What do you mean another? What do you mean? We didn't have to have another. What was the previous Long John Silver situation? Where did we go? What was the disgusting fish thing we ate? Arby's? Sorry, was it Arby's? Sorry.

We talked a lot about Long John Silver and how we hate it. We're never going to do it. And it crossed my wires. Because in another fashion, that's a fish place. But we ate a fish place at the roast beef place It all got mixed up Yeah it's all confusing Like stay in your lane

Yeah That's my audition for Fear Factor Eating that sandwich That's a pretty good audition I don't think they're making that show anymore But you should send it in Send it to Joe Rogan Was it Donkey Piss?

Was it Donkey cum and piss? Was that what it was? Yeah, it must have been donkey cum and piss. No, I'm serious. I don't know what your... Is that the reason they stopped? That was the last episode. That was the last episode of Fear Factor and they didn't air it. People had to drink either donkey piss or donkey semen.

And they went too much and cancelled the show. When you say or, do you mean they had an option between the two? Yeah, it was one or the other. It was one or the other. I'm almost certain. You got to go piss, right? Here's the thing.

You say that, but like no nutrients. That's true. Well, at least it's sterile. The donkey cum will keep you fuller longer. You're talking straight waste. Donkey cum, you might get some benefits from that. Calorically, there's protein. Benefits. Like, baby, you'll be half donkey now.

Just close your eyes and you're just drinking a thick smoothie. Wait, do you think drinking donkey cum makes you half donkey? I don't know what other benefits he could be talking about. Nick, look it up. Look it up and give me a thumbs up or a thumbs down. What are these benefits? Maybe you'll get. Nick, look it up. Look it up and give me a thumbs up or a thumbs down. What are these benefits? Maybe you'll get a 401k in health insurance.

I don't know that it's better than piss. The way you implied that they would need to be full is like, fear factor, you have to drink the semen or the piss, and then they throw you into the wilderness and you have to survive. I'm just saying. Did you drink piss the semen or the piss, and then they throw you into the wilderness and you have to survive. I'm just saying, you know?

Well, did you drink piss or semen? Because if you chose wisely, you're going to last longer. At the end of the day, your muscles are probably going to thank you you chose the semen. Right. Because they got something for you.

Your wife will go, hey, do you want something for dinner? And you go, oh, no, thanks. Thumbs up. Nick looked it up. I'm right. Thumbs up. That's real.

Thanks for looking up. What a cool search history you have now. Now I got donkey muscles. Guys, I think I tricked him into doing it. Anyway, there's none of that here. Oh, hang on. Hang on. We might have a new shirt here. Donkey muscles.

Jot that one down. That one's going to the... That one's getting pitched after this episode. But'm going to hit Tony. But anyway, it's Red Lobster. Donkey muscles aside. We ate a bacon cheeseburger at Red Lobster is what we've done here today. They said it couldn't be done and we did it. At least we got some cheddar bay biscuits out of it. Yeah, they were so goddamn good.

That's like the whole reason I wanted to do Red Lobster. I'm like, I knew we could get these biscuits. I went straight to the biscuits. Then I dropped one. I was so excited. You did. But good thing we had about 40. I didn't know that they came with the order.

There was never anything that said it came with the order. So I ordered a dozen because I went, well, that means like we get three each. And then I opened the bag and I went, what's this other bag? And it was like another dozen Cheddar Big Biscuits. It's like, oh, this is too many. Surprise biscuits. Are you still kicking those around or is Nick taking that home? No, no, they're in my car.

Okay. He's keeping them warm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. He's not editing this. He can say whatever you want. Oh, sweet. What was that?

Oh, man. His one word. He's excited. He's excited. I just don't know what that gesture was. Well, I can't see him. Oddly, I'll say you're parked over there for some reason. Yeah, this is weird.

Yeah, mix it up. It was an interesting call. Yeah. I don't need to see Eric. I watched Eric violently react to it. I couldn't believe it. Oh, I knew he would. I couldn't. It was out of my routine. I was pulling up and I was thinking, oh, watch this.

I started yelling. I started getting mad. My routine. I was the accountant. My routine. And I was just getting mad. Like Ben Affleck? Yeah. Were you killing people? Uh-huh. Damn, dude.

Yep. Hang on. Let me crunch this number. We should talk about the goddamn restaurant. Addition by subtraction. Red Lobster, ever been there? I don't go to Red Lobster very often at all, despite their delicious Cheddar Bay biscuits. And I don't imagine you do either, because you hate seafood.

Correct. I'd been there a fair amount, but for some reason, it hit with my parents were like, whatever, they liked it. But it was like my grandmother's favorite restaurant. So anytime- Really? Dude, she loved it. were like whatever they liked it but it was like my grandmother's favorite restaurant so anytime really like dude she loved it anytime that was like oh we'll go out for your birthday we'll take her to red lobster anytime i bought her like a like a present for christmas or whatever i would just get her a red lobster gift card so i got i come from a trashy family i got no way with you

drag there it's true. I know. Close your mouths, guys. Okay? I know this is shocking, but I am not... Hold on, let me just pick my jaw up from the floor real quick. You do that. I don't come from the royal lineage you assume.

But I am who I am. Moving on. So I would go there a lot, and thankfully, being a seafood restaurant, they do have burgers and steaks. So I would just get steak when I went there. So, I mean, I've been there more times than a lot of restaurants that we've reviewed that I've, like, never been to. And the saving grace was always the biscuits.

Yeah. They were always there to coddle me and fill me with warmth fluffiness and cheese and a lot of salt they're very salty they're very salty it's probably why they taste so good that's exactly why they taste so good i don't think i've been to a red lobster since 2008 what why specifically 2008 i'm just kind of i'm trying to ballpark it because i think the last time i went was when i was living in Georgia and that was between 2007 and 2010. And so kind of in the middle there is 2008. So I'm going to say 2008.

Was I right? Who are you asking? You're getting word back. Hang on. Let me see. Yeah, no, that's right. Yep. Yeah, you got it.

Thumbs up. Word two for two. I was right about the piss and donkey cum, and you were right about when you went to Red Lobster. Damn. So, yeah, been a hot minute. Well, that's the show. Yeah, I was going to say, learned a lot about Red Lobster, I guess.

I got those donkey muscles now. I'm good to go. Donkey muscles, man. Do you think they serve them at Red Lobster? Probably not. Donkey muscles? Do you think it's a muscle from under the Donkey muscles? Do you think it's a muscle from under the sea, or do you think it's a muscle from

a donkey? Well, it's a seafood restaurant. Don't be ridiculous. Right. They sell burgers and steaks. We've just... I'm thinking more, though, if you want donkey muscles, they go, much like they have the lobsters sitting out front

going, which one would you like us to smash to bits and feed to you? Don't worry. They're taped up so they can't fight back. We have all the power here. They do that, I think, with donkeys where they go, donkey muscles? Well, there's the donkey. And here's a club.

Go get him. Go get him. But his legs are tied up. So it's not. He doesn't put up much of a fight right he ain't going anywhere he just looks at you you raise the club and he's looking up at you and he's braying and it's just

that's why you wear the bib so you don't get covered in donkey blood you beat the muscles out of it you're just tenderizing it soft easy yum they have the lobster tank when i went to red lobster i had to go inside to pick up the food because they don't do curbside at this one so i had to walk inside and they have just a lobster take and it's just a sad red lobster

with people who are inside eating and also just lobsters who are just swimming around in like this tank. They're just walking around and hanging out. They probably got the vaccine. You don't know their lives. It was fucking depressing to see all those lobsters. Did it fuck you up? No, it was just one of those things where you go, that sucks. And then like, why would you eat here?

I will say, it is a thing where to me, I just go, why? Yes, why? Exactly. Why do you need to you need like what other animal would that work with no no i get that there's see this look at this live chicken we're gonna chop the shit out of it and feed it to you it's like why is there like bugs distance i don't know lines between i think that i think that there's something weird with lobsters where people think there's something that they're not.

Like, they're bugs. You're eating bugs. You went, hey, what if we caught these bugs and then cooked these bugs? I want to pick out which bug I want to eat. Again, that's the part I don't get. Why do you got to pick it out? You don't pick out any other fucking food.

No. That one. I want to pick out that one. And you're picking out a bug. What are you doing? That's gross. The whole thing is gross. People love bugs. out that one. And you're picking out a bug. What are you doing? That's gross. The whole thing is gross. People love bugs.

People love bugs. Yeah, I don't like it. Don't send us bugs. I don't want them. Disgusting. I don't know where to go from here. I'll be honest. What?

We're talking about Red Lobster. My favorite part is when- I feel like we're talking about everything but Red Lobster. I feel like we're face jamming. We're making jokes. and then Eric goes, you see the look on his face, and he goes, enough jokes. No bugs. No bugs.

It just, and I don't want to put the idea out there, it just makes me want to fill your car with bugs. No. You know what I mean? No. But that was that guy. I can see him crawling on you right now. On the last episode, there was a guy who's like, oh, you didn't say don't send you bugs. Can we do that? And I just replied, this isn't

funny. Like, don't send, would you eat? That's it. Just don't send bugs. But fear factor, bug piss or bug cum? Depends on what kind of bug. How many bugs would you have to milk To get like a fucking Drinkable size you know what I mean Damn dude Yeah I don't know

I'm the bug milker Man Donkey muscles and bug milker I think like donkey muscles is probably Gonna be easier to be made I don't think bug milker. I think donkey muscles is probably going to be easier to be made. Yeah, I don't think bug milker. Bug milker is a good backup. What the?

We haven't gotten anywhere yet on this piece of paper. We've gone nowhere fast. Let's get on to the facts. Clearly, we all don't give a shit about red lobster. It's time to learn. And we don't eat bugs. I hope there's a fact on here about why no blue lobster. It's time to learn what Eric made up this morning.

These are all true facts. These are all 100% true facts. What are you guys talking about? Founded in 1968 in Lakeland, Florida. Red Lobster rapidly expanded across the U.S. in the 1970s thanks to the financial backing of General Mills. Wow. The cereal veteran. Yeah.

Didn't they invest in like another restaurant we reviewed? Oh. That was surprising. Hey, Jordan, let's stay tuned to the facts section and find out more shortly. Man, I just walked into a tease, you guys. Oh, baby. If you took the number of Cheddar Bay biscuits served in just one day, it would be six times the height of Mount Everest

and 13 times the weight of an average elephant. Um, I think I'll have seconds. Why does this fact exist? What is this? Who wanted this information? What is that? Really, it just makes me feel bad. It feels like I'm Eric looking at the lobsters in the restaurant.

I'm just thinking about that lobster tank being filled with too many biscuits. How's that possible? Is this not made up? No, that's a real fact. I mean, it's a real fact, but how are we going to fact check this? First of all, unfact checkable, okay? That's true.

That is true. Second of all, think about what they're saying. They serve more in a day than six times the height of Mount Everest? Who's going to Red Lobster that much? Your grandma, I guess. They're banging. They serve more in a day than six times the height of Mount Everest? Uh-huh. Who's going to Red Lobster that much? Your grandma, I guess, but... Not anymore. It's hard for her to get outside the house now. She's in her 90s. Yeah, it would be dangerous.

Okay, so here's how I think it goes. Downright irresponsible, especially in these times. These trying times. I think here's what happens. They dupe everyone online by giving them free biscuits, but not telling them they're going to get free biscuits, and then you order a dozen for you and your friends. Here's what we do.

There is a very specific term. It says served, not, like, ordered. Consumed. Or wanted. Yeah. It's just like, we're giving them out. Six times the height of just like We're giving them out We're six times the height of Mount Everest Just giving them out so we can Have this fact

We need this fact to be true So they So do you think You know a lot of people have climbed Everest Somebody climbed Everest and said They stacked them all up and said Damn that's only a sixth That's only

If you did this six times Then it would be Cheddar Bay Biscuits. They got to the top of Mount Everest and they were like, finally, I've reached the pinnacle. The highest point in the world. And they looked over and they saw an even taller tower of Cheddar

Bay Biscuits and were like, what? A very thin tower of biscuits reaching to the stars. Anyway, we should climb Mount Everest just so we can get a true sense of how many biscuits we're dealing with. Anybody know a Sherpa? Well, the Sherpa's got to carry the biscuits. Where are we getting those from? The founder of Red Lobster, Bill Darden, is also the founder of Olive Garden.

Boom! After Darden died in 1994, General Mills launched Darden Restaurants, so his name would always be attached despite launching unsuccessful change, such as China Coast and a place called Smokey Bones Barbecue Sports Bar. What do you think their bathrooms are like? Oh, man. I got Smokey bones. I think that's like

a pre-symptom for osteoporosis. How have you been feeling? Well, my bones have been a little smoky. I feel like I got smoky bones. Well, let's take an MRI to make sure feel like I got smoky bones. Well, let's take an MRI to make sure you don't got smoky bones. Oh, yep, yep. These bones are filled with smoke.

Oh, God. A parasite has bored its way into your bones eating all the muscle, but they've replaced it with smoke. Smoke? What a rare condition.

So this dude, Bill Darden, he's pulling the strings. Well, not anymore, he's not. He's making us fight over which is better, Cheddar Bay Biscuits or Breadsticks from Olive Garden. It's like he invented them both. He was laughing because he's going either way, I'm rich! That's what he was saying on his

deathbed too and then somebody whispered smoky bones and then he went No! And he turned to smoke. Yeah, he died with a grotesque horrified look on his stone face. Like how Walt Disney's last words were Kurt Russell that he wrote down on a piece of paper. Bill Darden wrote Smokey Bones.

They knew what they had to do. It was his rosebud. God damn. In 2017, Red Lobster was sued after over-serving 82-year-old Marlene Spencer when she fell in the parking lot causing her to break her arm and hip.

Spencer reportedly blew a.31, three times the legal limit, and became a hero of Brookdale Senior Living Center because she nearly managed to escape. Jesus Christ. Goddamn, dude.

See, this is why your grandma can't be going out to Red Lobster on her own. That's why we gotta watch her, dude. Do you... What do you think... What do you think she drank? What do you think she drank to get the.31?

Do you think she also drank an advent calendar of wine? It was... I'm going to guess... I'm going to guess it was like a flavored wine. Like a... One of those blackberry things. Right, right. You know, like the fruit punch wine. That's one of those blackberry things. Right, right. You know, like the fruit punch wine.

That's what I'm guessing. They're not even mentioning on here, like I just assume all old people are. She was probably a diabetic too. I would assume so. Yeah. So a point. Dude, how do you just serve an old woman until she blows a.31?

How did she even walk out of there? Well, I mean, she didn't get very far. I'm just surprised she made it to the parking lot. If you read the fact, she fell out of there. Yeah. They kind of rolled her out.

Damn, dude. I'm surprised having.31 didn't kill her instantly. Kill her? Yeah, no kidding. That's a third of your body. Yeah. She's more alcohol than blood.

And that blood isn't even good blood. I'm telling you, all the listeners in the Brookdale Senior Living Center, they knew. Those jammers at Brookdale, they fucking knew about it. Listening here or in the beyond. Yep. Yeah. Hanging out. Because they fucking knew about it. Listening here or in the beyond. Yep. Yeah. Hanging out.

Because they're very close. They're very close to the door. And you know what I say if you're listening? Just open it. Just walk through. Go towards the light. Final fact. This is a great name.

Maria Dingham, former waitress at Red Lobster, was 86 when she retired in 2014. After 36 years of service, we at Face Jam salute her and can only assume she's listening to her heroes right now, along with Marley and Spencer in the big Red Lobster in the sky. Wow. Wow. 86. I mean, 2014 was roughly seven years ago.

So, I mean, that's a short retirement. You got to think that she's still, you know, she's still enjoying her retirement. She's got to still be kicking. Oh, man. Oh, my God. Those are all the facts. Do you guys feel like we learned some stuff about Red Lobster? It was really senior focused, which isn't surprising. What do you guys feel like we learned some stuff about red lobster i learned a lot it was really senior focused which i learned surprising what do you mean

reading between the lines here i learned that red lobster does not serve a very livable wage if it takes you 36 years to retire no shit red lobster um i just felt like we needed to speak to our demographic a little bit in this episode. We've been doing some young people restaurants like Shake Shack. My grandparents don't know what that is. But Red Lobster, they say hot dog, a red lobster. Now that's eaten. They say Red Lob.

They say that? It makes more sense because it's not a hot dog restaurant. Oh, you were saying instead of hot dog, you were saying Red Lob. Yeah, they go Red Lob. I didn't connect those dots at all i was watching michael did he's just staring at me well i was just i was i was doing it was like i was watching tennis you guys are both you yeah you do got a good view of Eric trying to put these pieces together. I was working hard. I was working hard.

I was trying my best. So what do you think it is about? Is he sleeping? I didn't want to draw attention to him because now he's looking, but he's just fiddling. He's just playing computer games or something. This is the only time he has to do that. That's why he comes to do this. Yeah, he was just looking around going, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.

And I didn't want to say, hey, look at Nick, because he'd be alerted. So I just started pointing at him. This is the only time he's allowed to come out and, like, look at his phone. And play. And Nick and I play. And then the baby just goes, wah. Sorry, I can't. Dude, baby's a wah.

Every two weeks, he gets an hour and a half to himself. Let him have it. We yell at him while he eats a hamburger. I would not classify this as time to myself. No. No, I definitely agree. I hope he doesn't. I guess what I'm trying to say is this is the closest thing he gets to time to himself.

That's true. I'm going to just enjoy some time to myself. I'm going to drive to the office and sit in the parking lot and talk for two hours. Eat a hamburger silently in my car while everyone yells about it. Again, he's not editing this episode. I want to give a shout out to Kelly for editing this episode. Shout out to Kelly. I'm sorry that Nick has terminated your contract.

Early. Early. Yeah, this is what we, the narrative we've decided to go with is he was afraid of you encroaching in on his free food, which is a very valid fear. We have threatened, Kelly knows better than anybody. We've threatened for several episodes to give his food to her since she's doing the work. We've been trying our best to get it to her.

You know, here's the thing. We think he's just a little sauce monkey, but, you know, he's like, hey, I'm king of the jungle. Don't touch my life. So, he sees that King Kong vs. Godzilla trailer and he goes, yeah, that's me. I could take it.

He's fighting for free food. That's my hamburger. I think Kelly's done a great job with these edits. And, you know, thank you so much for your service, Kelly. I hope you listen to the show in the Red Lobster in the Great Beyond. I assume she dies. I don't know. She'll still be.

She's going to die and listen and we'll still be going. So do you think we're just going to live really long? Or are you predicting she's going to have some sort of unfortunate accident? I just figure. I figure a fate worse than death. She's listening to this. She's editing this. Yeah,

but I figure not being able to work on it. Don't put a hex on her. Don't put a hex on her. It's gotta be crazy because this is how she's gonna find out that she's not, that she doesn't work here anymore after this.

Yeah. Is this like a Trump tweet? Yeah. Hey, I heard Trump fired you. He did? When? Oh,

I saw it on Twitter like an hour ago.'s twitter what in the middle of this in the middle of editing this we're gonna get a slack and it's gonna be kelly going guys is this a joke and then we say um if we say yes will you finish it? Let me know when the final draft is done and I'll let you know. Seriously, Nick, I hope you didn't burn any bridges because I don't know who I like more at this point. I hope it was worth it. I hope it was worth it. We got free food.

It's definitely worth it for him. Yeah. Well, I got nothing else, man. Well, I mean, we're on the spit and silly. I got nothing to spit silly about. We already, you know, in typical fashion, we started with it. Yeah, I feel like most of this episode has been spit and silly. It started pretty silly.

What's to say about Red Lobster? It sucks. Who cares? I go there. That's pretty much how I feel. Jordan, tell us about the food that we ate. I suppose I could do that. The Red Lobster Wagyu Bacon

Cheeseburger. What? What'd you say up for? I heard that too. What was that? I was laughing. That was a laugh? Did you say the word laugh? Can I say it from here? The look of fear in his eyes. When he said I was

laughing, I could see them starting to water up. Oh no. Sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm laughing, I could see them starting to water up. Oh, no. Sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. I'm sorry. Don't let them scare you, okay? I got you. You're on my side now. He parked over there.

Us versus them. Okay. This guy over here. He's got the king of the jungle on his side. I got the king of the jungle. I got the fact-checking cum-drinking donkey. Yeah, well, we got Red Lob. It was his phone, Your Honor.

He's the donkey cum guy. Who has the biggest donkey muscles here? The man in the monkey mask? The Red Lobster Wagyu Bacon Cheeseburger is a grilled wagyu patty, crispy bacon, white cheddar, lettuce, and tomato on a toasted brioche bun served with choice of side. As long as that side is cheddar bay biscuits. That's what we ate. Press material. Oh, boy.

This is fun. Our new... All in capitalization and, for some reason, exclamation mark. The end of the sentence. In the middle of a sentence. Our new end of sentence. Wagyu bacon cheeseburger is more than a burger. No, it isn't. It's a masterpiece. Wagyu bacon cheeseburger is more than a burger. No, it isn't.

It's a masterpiece. Wagyu beef, aged white cheddar, a brioche bun. It's even better than it sounds. Boy, they really phoned this one in, guys. Yep. Just like the meal. It's more than a burger. Question.

Yes. How? What do you mean? How is it more than? It's quite accurately a burger in every way, shape, and form Eric gave it to me and it sure looked like a burger Listen It's more than a burger

It's got beef, it's got cheddar It's got a bun Sounds like a burger No! Never thought about that It's a masterpiece It's a masterpiece I think we're like seasoned enough uh press material readers

at this point to know that whenever there is a phrase like it's more than x yeah that that it was it surely is not they didn't care yeah like yeah there's no effort put into this uh what can we say about i don't know call it more than what it is. People fall for that. If it was that good, it would be a regular menu item like the pretzel pub chicken sandwich from Wendy's. Also, here's the thing. We're talking about PR talk.

They didn't say it wasn't more than what it was. Here's what you got, right? You don't need to lie. Just go with what you got. Talk about the Wagyu. That's the thing right that's where did you get it from what is it how long was it aged despite like is it like sell me on this is it australian we have the wagyu burger this is how we got it blah blah blah blah blah also other burger stuff you're telling me it's it's a more than a burger. Cheese, bun, lettuce. Uh-huh.

Great. More than a burger. Yeah, exactly. You're fired. They suck. You suck, Red Lobster. Eric. I want you. And if you're listening, I hope you're fucking crying.

If you're a Red Lobster right now, I'm going to push you in the dirt. I'm going to kick dirt in your fucking mouth, red lobster. You little lobster. Eat concrete. And not the dessert kind. Eric, I would like you to reach out to Red Lobster Press. Okay. The press department.

Uh-huh. Ask to speak with who wrote the copy for this. This was on an Instagram post because they never released any press for this. Okay, well, you can still do this. Someone wrote that post. Yeah, you can still do it. Stop trying to look for reasons not to work.

I don't know if you know how I got to where I'm at. That's mostly bad. I see right through your little plan. Just you. Ask for their supervisor and then request this person be fired. Wow. And then next fortnight, I'd like a follow-up on how that played out. Okay.

All right. Hey, you heard it. You got it. Audience, tune in for that. We're going to do that. And I'll just say this. And we're definitely not going to i'll just say this and we're definitely not gonna forget if this is no not only we're not gonna forget but i'll also i'm

gonna promise it and if this is the first episode you've listened to you know it'll be on the next one which is a fortnight yep uh because people don't understand how much effort this is it's very exhaust i sleep for 10 days after we finish one of these. It'll be at the very end of the next episode. So look forward to that. It's a fortnight and then like an hour. Yeah. And then like the longest you could wait. Yeah.

And then if it's not in that one, it'll definitely be in the one after that. Well, we'll have more information. Right. At that time. Correct. You know, if we don't have the the answer which I'm sure we will. There will definitely be an update at the end of next 100%.

Yep. Damn, we're good. What was it like getting teases out there? People are waiting with bated breath. We're just good. We're funny. We're good looking. We're professional. We're also skinny. It's crazy, man. Damn. What are you got a monkey. It's crazy, man. Damn.

What are you down to? Oh, I don't even know. I stopped checking because I just went mission accomplished. Yeah, so small. You know what I mean? I try not to float away sometimes. Were you getting worried? Did you stop checking because you were getting worried that you were wasting away?

You were just like, oh, there might be something. Yeah, it's not good to look at the numbers. And then I start thinking of my muscle mass. And then I think, well, can I supplement this with any sort of donkey fluid? And I just, the idea starts swimming around in my head. It might be swimming around in your stomach, too, if you follow through with it. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yum. Face jam. Hashtag yum. It'll tickle your yummy bone. Oh, it'll tickle. That's it. Yeah, I can speak to getting the food.

It was easy. Too many people were eating inside the Red Lobster at noon on a Tuesday. But we didn't get unlimited shrimps, so that's kind of sad, right? Was that supposed to be part of this? No, I'm just saying that we could have, maybe. Is it shrimp season or whatever? But you didn't mention it prior to this at all. Yeah, this is the first you're saying unlimited shrimp. Yeah, but that's if we were going to go into a restaurant.

We're not going to go in. But also, I don't know if it's the Red Lobster shrimp fiasco time or whatever they have the... It's definitely called shrimp fiasco. We would have heard about it. Yeah, I didn't see any commercials during the Super Bowl for a shrimp fiasco. That's what I'm saying. It's just sad that maybe we could have, but I don't know.

Shrimp-ageddon. Yeah. Shrimp-ageddon. Shrimp week on Discovery. They're falling into my mouth. It's shrimp-ageddon for them. Yep. Yeah, no doubt

now let's rate the food I only eat shrimp that I get to pick out yeah you have to that one one you say that when you eat shrimp cocktails that one it's swimming away I didn't see which one you were pointing at

should we review the food now I guess I mean I don't know it's only like we're 35 minutes in I feel like it's way i didn't see which one you're pointing at should we should we review the food now i guess i mean i don't know it's only like we're 35 minutes in i feel like it's look every time we say that every time we say that 20 minutes come out of nowhere yep okay he'd come upon us look i'm sure i'm sure we're at an hour plus now yeah just right there yeah we're on the cusp probably did a really did we probably did a really good job with the ads. Yep. That's true.

They were probably really funny ads, too. You forget when we film this because we do the ads separately. You forget about the secret third of the episode. Yep. This is just two-thirds of the work right here. Yep. Yep. Okay, well.

This is the boring part. I can't wait to get to the ads. This part is like paperwork. Right. I gotta submit. The ads are like the Marlene Spencer third. I wanna do the ads,

fall over and break my hip. Yeah. That's where the party's at. This part here is the Maria Dingham part. This is where we got to work for 36 years to retire. What did he blow? A 0.0.

But he did a third of the episode just on ads. All right. Rate this. Rate this beast. If this is your first episode, and I doubt it is. Could be your last though. This is how it goes. If this isn't your first episode,

you know how this works. The food is garbage. It tasted like nothing. It was overcooked. No, I'm just describing what it is. This is not a shocker to anyone. Okay. No, that's fine.

I thought it was just a regular cheeseburger. I was of the same mind as you when you read the format at the top of the show and I saw the word Wagyu and you went that's what we ate and I kind of felt the same that tasted awful for Wagyu it tasted like nothing

and I feel like we've done another restaurant that touted a cheeseburger that was unlike anything else you know we've done hundreds of that touted a cheeseburger that was unlike anything else. You know, we've done hundreds of episodes at this point, so I don't remember specifically what restaurant it was. But it tasted like that restaurant's burger because it tasted like nothing. And I don't know what it is about these. They know who they are.

These restaurant chains. I don't know why they don't do anything with these burgers. They just throw them out, and they eat it up, and it's like, did I do it? I don't know. It didn't taste like anything. So I don't know. It's not that it was bad. It was just that it was like nothing, you know?

Now I feel like I'm a little lobster in a in a tank just waiting to get picked off you know damn i'm sad uh-huh just waiting to get cracked yeah throw me throw me in a boiling pot so i can scream i want to get cracked and sucked ain't that the dream though what are you gonna do to that guy I think I'm gonna slurp his guts out come here where's my bib I mean

cheddar bay biscuit 100 no problem oh god it was so good I mean Cheddar Bay Biscuit 100 No problem Oh god It was so good It was so good In fact I'm gonna eat more I'm gonna break into Eric's car

And eat more And we're done here Yeah don't let him Don't let him Like let you in Break in His window His window is cracked

Just enough for me To get in there To rip it out Of it's fucking spot Give me the biscuit You better roll that thing up enough for me to get in there. To rip it out of its fucking slot. Give me the biscuit! You better roll that thing up. This is a solid 40 burger.

It's a 40. Whatever. Why did they give us the lettuce and tomato in a separate container? He stopped and asked me he handed me the whole thing and he went oh, do you want the lettuce and tomato in a separate container? He stopped and asked me. He stopped and asked me. He handed me the whole thing, and he went, oh, do you want the lettuce and the tomato? And I went, if you have it.

And he went, yeah, great. Hang on. And then he ran to the back, and he came back with the lettuce and tomato. And it's like, were you just not going to give that? Yeah. Was that extra? No, that's part of the fucking food. I don't understand.

You know what it is? People who go to Red Lobster don't like their vegetables. So they're like, ew, gross. That could be it. Keep it away from me. That's true. Yep. You guys, we use these to wipe the floors after they eat.

We save on towels by using lettuce. We use this tomato. We just have so much. Smash it up. That's our cleaner. All the lettuce we don't serve could be 12 Mount Everest's. Whoa! Wow! Damn, dude. Okay, a 40. How are you going to rate it? Did you really not

know it was Wagyu? Did you forget? I totally forgot, yeah. I just thought it was a cheeseburger. Why? Did you think it tasted like Wagyu? No, it was Wagyu. Did you forget? I totally forgot, yeah. I just thought it was a cheeseburger. Why? Did you think it tasted like Wagyu? No, not at all. Okay. Okay, good. I just like the idea that you thought it was a cheeseburger and didn't question why we would just be eating a cheeseburger.

I thought they had a special cheeseburger on Red Lobster. Because Red Lobster doesn't do cheeseburgers. This is how I'm thing. This is how, I'm just saying, go back to Jordan episode one. Wide-eyed, hopeful about what the show is. He would have, the second he'd been handed this, been like, a cheeseburger? This is just a cheeseburger. We're supposed to be doing something special. What's the limited edition?

And now, in 2021, he goes, whatever, I'll fucking eat it. I don't care. I'm not going to ask questions. I'm not going to ask questions. I'm not going to ask questions. And that's the right mindset to be in for both this show and the time we live in. It's true. It was terribly overcooked. It was terribly overcooked.

You're right. I mean, I prefer my meats, my, my burgies and my steaks on the rare side already. Yep. I know there's a lot of restaurants that go, we don't do that. We make it how we make it and you eat it. And so, you know, that's usually closer to like a medium.

I ordered these medium. I ordered these medium. Okay, yeah. That makes sense. This was like a fucking almost a well done. This was like a puck. This was too much. There's no sauce on it. It's like a puck. This was, yeah. This was too much. There's no sauce on it. It's just so dry. There was no sauce.

It, you, if I didn't know, my incredible acting aside, introing the episode, if you didn't know it was Wagyu, you would never

in a million years think it wasn't just a cheeseburger. Yeah. You would think it's a dry cheeseburger. That's what you would think. Right?

When you say dry aged, usually that's good. Uh-huh. This is just dry. Yep. Aged? It made me feel like a thirsty camel. Kick sand on me. Absolutely.

Kick sand on me. You know what I mean? The whole time I was eating that, I was just looking around the parking lot for the Oasis and I couldn't find it. Nope. So, um, I got to agree with Jordan. It, it was just like a run of the mill cheeseburger you'd order at a restaurant that makes cheeseburgers, but I wouldn't say they're known for their cheeseburgers. Right. It, it being a Wagyu is only more disappointing.

And I question whether it's like a real Wagyu or not, because people like to throw that word around and they go, eh. Yeah, they're being pretty coy and hush-hush about like exactly what kind of Wagyu they're serving us. But it was fine. That's it. If I ordered this and I had been dragged a red lobster for my grandmother's last wish. At least it wasn't a lobster. I would have eaten this and said, eh, it's better than the fish I don't want.

But I'd probably, I'm with Jordan, I'm giving this thing 48. A 48? Yeah. Jordan, how do you feel about that? They really fucked it up, man, with the Wagyu. It was... I probably would have given it

a better rating if it was a regular piece of meat. If it was just like a run-of-the-mill hamburger. Because you got expectations. That's what makes it special. They put the Wagyu on there going, eh, Wagyu,

that's good, right? You like that? And I went, this ain't good. For Jordan to like it. But it was so dry. It was so overcooked. It was very dry. I didn't realize that.

And no season. They didn't have any sauce. Nothing. Why don't they season these patties? Not a special sauce. Not just. Yeah. There was no seasoning either.

I don't know. I would say the most flavor I walked away from was the fucking cheese. Yeah. I forgot about the bacon. Dude, there's bacon on this thing. Did you taste bacon at all? Oh, yeah. Did you taste the bacon? Yeah. The only reason I know there's bacon is because I kept pushing it back

into the middle of the sandwich because I kept trying to get away. No, it really didn't. But it didn't matter. There could have been anything on this. It didn't taste like anything. It didn't taste like bacon. It was fine, but it was a letdown. Yep. Damn. More than fair. Average score, 44.

We got it right. How do you feel about 44? Yeah, that's right. We got it right because we always do. We didn't make the rules, we just follow them. But also we made them. I would dare anyone listening to point point us where we got it wrong because guess what no matter what you say we'll just ignore you maybe you yeah i'll just say i'll just say or you're wrong oh yeah or we'll get him to yell at you he hasn't yelled at the

person who gave us our snacks this episode do you he's gonna? Are you gonna yell at anybody this episode? Okay. That's true. This jammer. You might yell at this guy or girl. Well, why? Oh, this is good handwriting. I hate when you hand me good handwriting.

Because it's so good, it's hard to read. Oh, that type of good handwriting. It's like super cursive. I usually equate good handwriting with it's legible. Yeah. No, it's legible. It's one of those things where when you look at art and you just don't get it, but everyone around you is going

this is a masterpiece. That's like me. I understand it's out of my scope of brain power, but someone's looking at this going, this is excellent. I don't like what you handed me. I'm just holding it. Go ahead and eat the snack. I can't pick up the note you gave me. I'm just eating what you've handed me. Why? Let's take a beat. I'm just holding it. Go ahead and eat the snack.

I can't pick up the note you gave me. I'm just eating out of my hand like a donkey out of a trough. Let me flex my donkey muscles. What is moon cheese? This is weird. There's so much going on with these little things you've handed me. So we have yummy chow and Moon Cheese from Laney aka Sestiva.

Thank you for sending in the snack. We have two different things. Yummy Chow is from Palmer Candy and is a chocolate and peanut butter cereal bite dusted with sweetness. And then Moon Cheese, I don't have. Can you read the Moon Cheese? I don't have a Moon Cheese. Hold on. Anyone? There's three people with Moon Cheese?

Calm the fuck down. Anyone want to read the moon cheese? Crunchy bites of golden delight. I was giving Kelly a B. That's what it says. Man read what it said. That's moon cheese. Was he right?

I don't know. I don't have it. Thumbs up from Eric. You're right. We're three for three. Three for three. You're giving me a thumbs up for saying you were four for four. Whoa.

Did you get glitter bombed? Did you open this note? Yeah. There's a surprise. Let's see here. What's her name again? Lainey. Oh, God.

Yeah. I would have never. If it's cursive, give it to me next time. Elegant handwriting. You've got to stop handing me shit like this okay what's wrong with it look at it I can't process this I told you my family likes to go to Red Lobster what am I gonna do with this I'm not a scholar do you want me to hand it no but from now on from now on uh-huh from now on what give it to Jordan yes if you see some sort of serial killer scribbling, hand it to me.

Got it. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. I hadn't planned on sending another package so soon, but I saw these and I just had to. I've never seen puppy chow packaged in a way that made it easy to send to people. It's apparently pretty regional. There's a lot going on. Anyone I know who doesn't live

in the Midwest had never heard of puppy chow before and assumed I was talking about dog food. I've eaten it already and I was still confused reading this thinking that you were talking. And I just went, did I eat dog food? Three weeks in a row, we've eaten dog food. Always excited to share with others.

It's super addictive. Yeah, that's from the cocaine it's covered in. It's a peanut butter and chocolate treat covered in quote-unquote sweetness. Oh, it's sweet. Oh, it's... Does it taste like a Friday's bathroom? Is that why my nose is running? Yeah, I mean, it's covered in mountains of cocaine.

Moon cheese is something I've never seen before, but knowing Michael's love for cheese and his dedication to protein consumption in any way, shape, or form. Eric read the script for this episode before he chose this snack. You already knew where you landed on donkey jizz. Everyone's always known where I've been on donkey jizz.

I can't wait to hear what you think of the snacks from Lainey. Also, love the spice rat, and she drew a perfect spice rat. Wow, that's great. Good job, Lainey. It really came at me.

I thought there was bugs on the paper when I opened it, but it was just the spice rat. The rat was going to jump out and get you. All right. So you guys ate the yummy chow first, right? How did you think that was? It was good, but it's fucking sweet. It's so sweet. Michael, have you never had this type of treat before?

I don't think so. It's the typical holiday festive kind of treat that you make with Chex Mix and peanut butter. Do you do it in the Midwest? I don't know where I first had it. I think my sister made it one year. She probably stole it from the internet. Where does she live now? She lives in Kentucky, but

he's specific. That's just right. Anyway, I think I've only ever had it homemade and this being like I don't know, mass produced is pretty good. Manufactured.

Still pretty good. But man, Michael's right. It's fucking sweet. I have a much higher tolerance for sweetness I think. He's losing it. Uh oh, I'm feeling good. I got a lot of energy. He's got a sugar rush. He's losing it. Because I thought it was. Uh-oh, I'm feeling good. I thought it was A-OK. I got a lot of energy. He's got a sugar rush.

Eric's got a sweet tooth. You guys want to come up with new business ideas? Eric's getting wet again. I'm soaked. Eric's going to go home and crash. I'm grinding my teeth and I'm soaked through to the bone. Smoke bones, wet bones. Eric's going to go home and run around in circles.

Eric's smoky bones, badour. He's going to go run around in circles with his dog And then just pass out on the couch What do you uh Michael what do you think of the puppy chow yummy chow thing Um I mean it was good it was fucking sweet I couldn't eat more than a few bites of that

I was hitting my limits there Um I give it a 65 Just based on my like i i just couldn't i could not eat a bag of that it's too sweet i was thinking 85 if you've got a sweet tooth it's probably fucking delicious for you like this would give me a stomach ache if i ate it oh it would give me a 75 on the average score nice good i think 75 is is i think i think it's a that's a good snack that somebody else buys for you

or you find at someone's house. And now, Moon Cheese. This is Moon Cheese shit? I don't know what they did to this cheese. Awful. This sucks. It has so much protein in it. I didn't get one.

There were only three and I gave them to you guys. Thumbs up or thumbs down on this? Whoa, thumbs up. He three, and I gave them to you guys. I'm not going to. Thumbs up or thumbs down on this? Whoa, thumbs up. He said, and then gave it a thumbs up. I mean, I'm not going to finish it, Eric. You want it? I'll grab it. I'll grab it afterwards.

But yeah, I don't know what they did to it, but it's bad. What's that flavor? I mean, it's. So it's crunchy, right? Like. Yeah. I mean. It's like a manufactured crunch.

It's like dried somehow. I don't know. I'm scared of it. Yeah. It's crunchy like if it were like a nut or something. Yeah. But it isn't. It's just like it's like compacted powder.

Very powder. Yeah. That's created a crunch. They like put in like some sort of condenser to just like push it all together like they're trying to form a diamond. And instead it's cheese and it's bad. It's um, and then like the cheese flavor isn't great. No. And then the aftertaste is terrible.

Yeah, it just gets worse. You guys haven't said a single positive thing about it. There's nothing to say It's honestly Bad all around This thing is bad I would gladly go back to the sugar thing Give me the dog food okay

I need the dog food I'll drink the donkey jizz Yeah I can't I won't milk him but I'll drink it Like we've had bad things before They're like ew nasty But then I'll like eat a couple more And be like oh it's so bad

But this is like I'm disgusted And will not even I want to throw it out of my car It's just all around not good And it's really insulting to little protein snacks Yeah It's touting itself as 11 grams of protein It sucks They tried and they failed I give it a 15 15 to little protein snacks. Yeah. It's touting itself as 11 grams of protein.

It sucks. They tried and they failed. I give it a 15. All right. 15. Fuck you. Five. Hell yeah. I would score a 10.

Let the hate flow through you. How do you fuck up a little cheese ball? Right? Cheese. I agree. You have a fucking cheese-based snack.

How do you fuck up a little cheese ball? It's terrible. Fucking get them. Fuck you. It's terrible. Fucking get him. Fuck you. It's not good. Oh, my God. Well, if you want to send us a snack that you think is going to get higher than a 10,

please send it. This might be. Send it to Face Jam. Care of Eric Badour, 1901 East 51st Street, Austin, Texas, 78723. We are getting to a point where we might have to think about getting Face Jam Snack Attack going. Every six months or so. Yeah, they just get loaded up so much.

There's just like a lot. We have a lot. It's time for our semi-annual Snack Attack show. Yeah, pretty much. So if you guys want to follow us on social media, hit us up on Twitter at FaceJamPod. You can stay up to date on everything. Usually it's images of the food.

You can see that. You can stay up to date on when we do anything out of the ordinary. Any videos that we have coming up. Stuff like that. Speaking of videos, I was re-watching the vodcast things that we did With Voodoo Ranger

Those are so fucking good Those are like Those are really fun Like having time away From them and then going back was like Oh these were great What a fun way It wasn't just this show on video

We translated it really well To do like something different and include a person. And I like that. Yeah, Eric, we're fucking awesome. Why are you reading from a piece of paper when you're saying? Yeah, so weird. I'm not reading anything. It's just from the heart.

I liked when the light fell on me. That was fun. That was fun. Those were fun episodes. If you're a fan of the jam yep um you know and here's the thing if if video does scare you just close your eyes yeah you know there's also an audio version yep we still yeah but if you want to like watch the video like you need the video to play like if you have some sort of extra sensory abilities where you know the difference

between audio playing or video playing but also on top of that video scares you you can play it just close your eyes and then while you're watching it just think about the red lobster in the sky wow you'll be there soon and the rivers of donkey cum that flow

you just you take like one of those Be there soon. And the rivers of donkey cum that flow. You just, you take like one of those, you know, it's like Valhalla. You just take a horn and you just dunk it into the river. Skull! Skull! Skull! And then they all just start fucking drinking. And then you chug the donkey. Yeah, dude.

Try walking home with a belly full of that. Eric, please. I'm going to blow, I'm going to blow, I'm going to blow 0.31% of a donkey. dude try walking home with a belly full of that Eric please say the next thing I'm gonna blow.31 percent of a donkey this guy's almost a third of a donkey that's what I meant

you become half donkey oh my god Jordan take us out of here rate and subscribe tell a friend about the show where we eat food and rate the food send it to someone who you think would benefit from donkey jizz ingestion if somebody sent you this if somebody sent you this just consider that that's what they thought of you yeah if if you got this show in general but

especially this episode from someone your first reaction is probably what the fuck did I do to them I mean we came out the gates with that it was five minutes it was yeah slurping off the top man well we're gonna help you work through some things with your friend

and that's what we're here for we're the heroes. And Jordan, right at an hour. Wow. Come on. We saved it. We did it. We saved it from being a decent length.

We don't do that anymore here. Yep. Remember when it was bite-sized? And we all said, it doesn't need to be any longer than that. Don't worry. Things change. People grow. Sometimes we get donkey muscle replacements, and we realize things aren't the way they used to be. We'll make sure to

inflate this episode real good in the ad section. Make it a good hour. We're losing him. He's mindlessly staring out the window, just looking at a garage door. It's all that sugar. Alright, we're losing him. He's mindlessly while he's staring out the window just looking at a garage door. It's all that sugar. I'm looking at this taxi. I'm scared.

Alright, guys. We'll see you next time. Bye. I'll see you next time.