100% Eat - Red Robin Scorpion Gourmet Burger & Scorpion Wings

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

In this episode, Michael Jones and Jordan Cwierz eat and review Red Robin Scorpion Gourmet Burger & Scorpion Wings so you know if it's worth eating in their first ever live episode. They also talk about the monkey making noises at red lights, calling a hot line for grilling questions, and cars almost hitting our heroes. Sponsored by Hello Fresh (http://hellofresh.com/facejam14 + code facejam14) and Upstart (http://upstart.com/facejam). Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is a Rooster Teeth Production. Welcome to Face Jam, the show where we try every new fast food creation to let you know if you need it. You probably do. All right. Thanks to DoorDash and Honey for making this show possible. I'm you, or host, Michael Jones, alongside my co-host, Jordan Sweers. Jordan, how are you? Ooh.

The word you has lost all meaning. It's just a sound now. It didn't have much meaning. I was trying to give it purpose. And I think I did that. You are the purpose. Oh. This guy's rubbing off on me.

We both, oh, at the same time. You had two intros playing about three seconds apart. It was melting our minds. Yeah, I didn't really like that very much. I'm glad we are in studio again. Not in our cars yet, despite some people's best efforts. Who? The people who are ravaging our city with COVID.

We call them deltoids. Everything about you, you can't see this it is it is a little chilly in the studio today and short of having a jacket michael decided to open a box of merch just shirts on shirts on shirts merch not put the shirts on like a shirt but like put them on him hey not put the shirts on like a shirt but like put them on him hey let's not get distracted by we'll we'll tweet these pictures where jordan is wearing and i am also wearing our cool new skeleton gang what are we called skeleton skeleton 21 pilots michael has bought us 21 pilots chipotle merch right the long sleeve tees but they only had them in small. I bought four of them.

None of us are small. None of us are small. Some of us shouldn't even be wearing medium. I feel like I'm going to Hulk out of this. And so I cut them all down the middle to make little jackets. So they're little jackets. They look like cardigans. They are. I said you could almost get away with it if the collar didn't betray you. What you need is like a little button or something to make it look like thisigans. They are. I said you could almost get away with it if the collar didn't betray you.

What you need is like a little button or something to make it look like this was on purpose. If you start at the bottom of the shirt and you look up, you go, oh. And you get to the collar and you go, you just cut that shirt. So we all have them, but Michael can't find his. Yeah. I bought four and I can't find mine. Mine was the prototype. So he was cold and just put on every piece of

merchandise we had in the studio. This shirt is actually perfect for how cold I was. I'm feeling great with this thing. So we'll post pictures on the Twitter of all this stuff. Can you put your arms down? You're like the little kid from Christmas story. What I'm trying to do is tell people what

we're reviewing. Oh, right. Okay. I mean, because some people, they can't read. They don't know the episode. They just see shapes and colors. So they know how to find the podcast every week. Just by clicks a day, you can't find it through touch without reading. Of course you could. They see the bright.

You got to memorize the amount of swipes and taps. We have a bright logo. They go, that's it. That's it. That's the one. That's shiny. Shapes and colors. Shiny food men.

And they play it. But today. Now we're shiny. Today, we're reviewing Red Robin Scorpion Gourmet Burger and Scorpion Wings. Don't get stung. Yeah. You got to check your shoes. I do that every day. Bring a black light. In Austin, you doung. Yeah. You got to check your shoes. I do that every day.

Bring a black light. In Austin, you do it? Yeah. Well, I'm less afraid of scorpions here and more afraid of giant spiders, which Jordan has assured me they are in the same family. Yeah, you called a scorpion a bug earlier. But if you put your foot in. It's an arachnid.

Yeah, you are looking pretty stupid right now. He said that when we were in the car earlier, and I made a point to turn around and look at you through the crack of the car seat so you could see my eyes looking at you. When we were talking about eating bugs, and you said scorpions and then spiders, he went, well, technically the spider's not a bug. Yeah.

A scorpion's an arachnid. And Michael just looks at me going, this fucking guy. Yeah. And then I also said, looks like Jordan's eating all those spiders. Yep. Yeah. Don't send us bugs. And that to me extends to arachnids.

You can send us spiders. Send Jordan spiders. I'm going to ignore science and include them in the bug camp I agree don't send them to us they're definitely all bug like I'll give them that what I was gonna say was

if you put your foot into a shoe with a spider just squish it though no I don't want anything to he doesn't want that to happen either if you put your foot

in a shoe with a scorpion it's gonna bite your ass or sting your ass you're probably not gonna squish it I don't wanna get bit by a scorpion. He might bite and sting. He's going to bite, pinch, and sting. Yeah, why not do both?

And then he's going to sting me. Oh, no. Well, he's going to sting you and then spit in the wound. Oh, no. And he's going to use his little clampers to seal it up. Guess how you just got COVID. From a scorpion? Scorpions are the original deltoids.

Scorpio variant. Now you're going to turn into Scorponok. Was that an X-Men? It's a Transformers movie. It's a Transformers. It's a beast war. I'm more of a rat trap, but that's just me. Yeah, you're more of one of those Predacons.

I like Zoids. Zoids! Anyway, so we went there and we ate it. So, you guys hadn't really been to Red Robin at all, ever? Not a Red Robin guy. I've been to Red Robin like twice in my life. That one was very different than the last

one I'd been to. That place, that Red Robin was a knock-off TGI Fridays. It was TGI Fridays, Applebee's, a knockoff TGI Fridays. They repurposed it. It was TGI Fridays, Applebee's, Chili's, all that shit. I've never seen or been to a Red Robin that wasn't inside of a mall. And this was like part of a shopping center, which is kind of like a mall, but it wasn't inside the mall. You couldn't walk out a door into a clothing store.

Yeah, exactly. Which is what I want. Which looks like you did, but that's not- It looks like you fell through it we make we make rick and morty well we make rick and morty shirts same thing isn't it he just didn't finish his thought right right uh legally we're fine red robin he Yeah, you just did. Red Robin, to me, is a restaurant that is, it's exactly what you said, where it's just,

this isn't TGI Fridays, but yes, it is. It's not Chili's, but yeah, it is. It's just every other restaurant, but apparently their thing is we do burgers. I think, and I didn't really look at the menu. TGI Fridays doesn't do burgers? Well, they do. What's the distinction?

They do, but they've got like one or two. They're all the same. This place, I mean, hey, look at the menu. TGI Friday doesn't do burgers? What's the distinction? They do, but they've got like one or two. They're all the same. This place, I mean, hey, you saw the signs. 25 and more. They had a big thing of like 25 gourmet burgers. What did it say? Craft brews? It said something like 25 beauties and more to come or something. Gross.

Very weird terminology for a cheeseburger. Like oddly sexual. Yeah. Hey, this burger is warm and gooey. Look at these beauties. I'm going to come or something. Gross. Some very weird terminology for a cheeseburger. Like oddly sexual. Yeah. Hey, this burger is warm and gooey. Look at these beauties. I'm going to come. Maybe someone with some chiseled stallion with a monkey mask could just take that burger and do something to it.

Stallion monkey takes on 25 beauties. He'd do it, too. He'd sit there and he'd go, he'd go, oh, I'm so full. I can't take any more beauties. Just one more. Coming soon, you are only fans. It's that title, but it's Nick eating 25 burgers.

Yeah. So the biggest difference on the menu, I didn't really thumb through it, was I think they have less variety than TGIF Fridays or Applebee's. They're very burger focused. I didn't really look at the menu, so I didn't tell. They don't really do stuff like ribs

and mashed potatoes and all the other stuff. It really is. They have wings, because we eat those. Yes. It is very much a do have wings because we eat those. Yes. It is very much a burger. Burger and fries.

Yeah, it does that. The second we mentioned it, this little mutant was like, endless fries. Endless fries. It's true. It's true. It's like, I don't even know if he's aware of it, but he has the knowledge stored away somewhere because we'll just mention it's like, I don't know anything about Red Robin. And then it's just like

in the back seat and then it goes bottomless fries. I'm returning bottomless fries. Maybe it's because in a similar fashion of this podcast he's in the back seat and I'm in the front but it always sounds like a whisper to himself. It is. It never goes like oh yeah they have fries.

He goes I know someone's bottomless fries. Nick doesn't make a point to be like, I'm the guy who knows. It's like he's just like throwing the information out there into the center of the room. It's like someone can take it. It's great because it's not for anyone but himself. He's reminding himself and then gets excited that we're going there.

I love this ride. You pointed it out when we were driving there. You're just like, we really lucked out with this guy because I know fast food stuff, but I don't know it on the level that Nick just has it encyclopedic. It's just ready. I'm like a loud, sloppy, general kind of fat fast food guy. Right.

He's over here talking about like stats and years and- Like Fazoli's. Old special. Never heard of the restaurant. Never heard of it. He's just like, my first date was there. Yeah, exactly. What?

The difference of like- It's crazy. Never having heard of Fazoli's versus, oh yeah, I took my wife there on the first date. I'm an experienced eater. Yeah. What does that mean? What the fuck? He dusts off my card.

He said on the way there, he goes, I don't know if you heard him he went i don't know if i should say this the last time i was at red robin i was on a date oh yeah that's right yep it's unbelievable it's crazy it's unbelievable it's crazy also i called him i said we hit the jackpot with this little deviant yeah he knows a lot about a bunch of this stuff that I'm glad I don't. It's a lot. Man. Should give Nick a crack at the facts section one time. Just like facts that he knows. They're all going to be straight up facts.

I went on six dates here. In 1995, I took a girl here and she ordered. Oh, man. So what do you think about like, I say you've been here a couple of times. What do you think about Red Robin just sort of like as an in general restaurant, like food wise and everything, right? I can't remember a thing about the food

the times I've had it. I can remember that on one of their signs, they spelled Friday like a French fry. Yeah. In their commercials, they go yum. Red Robin. Yum. That's it.

Yeah, that's what I know about Red Robin. Yum. That's it. Yeah, that's about it. That's what I know about Red Robin. And then we walked in and I went, this looks different when I was here 12 years ago. They got food. They got drinks. And people didn't want us to get there because they kept trying to run to our house. Dude. They didn't want us to get back to the studio either, apparently.

We didn't really have much of a event there but no there and back apparently people people hate face jam it's true that's insane anti-jammers are on the road trying to stop us from making the episode they were trying really hard too we got we figured we were home free and then we had the closest of calls that one was the scariest one we're just oh we're almost there we're just, oh, we're almost there. We're almost dead. Okay, now we're almost there again. It's one of those classic moves

where somebody's coming out of a parking lot and they're like, there are cars coming, but not in this close lane. I'm going to stick in this lane that's closest to me. And then they're driving an SUV and they can't do that. And I'm coming by and it's like, you're awfully close. You're really close. You're in my lane.

We almost died. Fortunately, he acted quickly. He pushed a button and we had the springs that lifted the car up. It was good. It's like the Mark 5. Yeah. Brain. The dog. The dog. Not the rat.

Okay. Was there a rat? The brain. Oh, that's a different animal with the same name. I wonder how often that happens. There's only one huckleberry hound. Something to think about. No. At this point, no.

Whoa. Did we do it? Is that the episode? I mean, no, I think there's more. I know you want to go to sleep so bad. I think we at least have to rate the food. We can skip everything else, I think. Yeah, the last episode was so fucking long that we can make this one about 10 minutes if you want to go to sleep so bad. I think we at least have to rate the food. We can skip everything else, I think. Yeah, the last episode was so fucking long

that we can make this one about 10 minutes if you want. Yo, it was a longie, but a goodie. It was a good one. The last episode, our first ever live one. That one was wild. Assman, sweers. That's the whole thing. That's the whole thing.

That was really something. Nick kept shooting people with a gun that was just his fingers. He just kept doing it. And he kept doing it execution style. He'd always point down to simulate like the person was kneeling or he was somehow standing over them. Right. Like they were Lenny. Right.

Look at the sauces. Tell me about the sauce. I'm the sauce tender see that's the stuff you missed out on if you didn't watch it live because we put out the regular episode so you could listen to it but I think seeing is believing

you gotta pay a premium for those visuals the farther I get away from that episode the more I really appreciated not letting people know what their total combined score was for their food we are the king of the bugs they are the bugs Or I really appreciated not letting people know what their total combined score was. Oh, for sure. That was fantastic. We are the king of the bugs. Put a stop to that right now. They are the bugs.

Yep. I didn't even know we were doing that. And I overheard it and I went, not in my court. One quarter of the bug king has spoken. The bug king's court says, and that tracked in that episode. I kept referring to them as royal guards that protect us with their lives, but do not get a vote. It's purely ceremonial.

Truly. Correct, truly. I like that. That was good. Did we wet our whistle? Wow, Jordan. Yeah, no, I think our whistle's pretty wet. Because Jordan's excited to get to this haiku.

I'm wet. Here's the haiku. I just want to get to the facts so we can get this episode over with. Alright, Red Robin. Walking at the mall. Too refined for the food court. And Red Robin, too.

Not your best work. I think it's up there. You don't have to criticize every single one. But I feel like if I don't criticize it, it was pretty good. You had some strong ones. I'm going to get to the point where we're going to start repeating restaurants that have haikus. And it's like, am I going to write another one? Welcome to the facts section.

I have to do it. You have to do it. I also like how he says the comparison there. I have to write three whole new sentences. I have 17 syllables. I got to bang out four. I probably put much more thought into the syllables and the counting of the syllables.

I disagree. You just wait until we get to these facts. When do you write it, though? Is it the morning of? Yeah, was that this morning when you wrote that? It's usually a couple days before when I go, oh, we have an episode. I'm going to get this out of the way

so I don't have to worry about it later. Wow. I should consider that. I'm going to get this out of the way so I don't have to worry about it later. Wow. I should consider that. I was going to say, if Eric is adamant about me having to do it for repeats, then I'm not going to. What the fuck? Damn. Well, he has to do something else, though. You got to replace a segment with a segment.

It's true. How about a limerick? Sure. Hey. Those are even more complicated. Hey. Feel free. Limerick is a very good idea.

I like it. Keep working yourself into a corner. There once was a man from Red Robin. No, uncover your mouth for the podcast. It's cold. No, you have to uncover your mouth for the podcast. No, I don't. Yes, you do.

I can hear him this way. Opening in 1940, the original Red Robin was called Sam's Tavern and didn't even sell burgers, opting for popped corn and sandwiches instead. What a combo. Why do all these restaurants start out with like, and Burger King started as a hot dog vendor. It's like you're Burger King. How can you even trace it back to being called Sam's Tavern? It's a totally different thing now. Yeah, it's a different name that sold different food.

I'm pretty sure it was just a different store. Sam's Tavern went out of business and Red Robin started. They were close enough. The guy who, Sam from Sam's Tavern, had this restaurant, like this tavern and then somebody came along and they're like, hey, you should do this. And he went, okay. And then he changed the name to red robin and then they partnered and made just changed the name

and went okay it's called red robin now and then they franchised it that's it it's not that thrilling i just like the popcorn thing is he trying to quarter the market of like nobody ever thought to combine sandwiches and popcorn i guess so i guess when you're eating a sandwich where else can you get sandwiches and popcorn sam's tavern i don't think I've ever eaten a sandwich and then gone, instead of chips, do you have popcorn? Yeah, because you never thought about it. I think you'd probably go to Sam's Tavern and be like, where's my fucking drink?

I don't give a shit about your sandwiches or your popcorn. Can I get one beer? Oh, a sandwich? No, a beer. A sandwich and popcorn? Oh, you want a wet Sandy? No, a beer. A sandwich and popcorn?

Oh, you want a wet Sandy? One of the hooks of Red Robin are the bottomless steak fries. But if you're not a fry guy, you can have bottomless steamed broccoli, coleslaw, and side salad like a legit creep just sitting there eating your bottomless coleslaw. On the scale of, psychos, like steamed broccoli, bottomless steamed broccoli. Like if I see a guy who's ordered the steamed broccoli. Like he came to Red Robin for a giant hamburger and bottomless steamed broccoli.

Trying to eat healthy. Oh, the wasters come back around. Can I get you a refill on your coleslaw? Oh, put a dent in your coleslaw. You want me to top you off? She's got a pitcher full of coleslaw.

Scoops it out with an ice cream scoop. Coleslaw just sort of exists. Yeah. Do you think it's the same size basket as the fries? That's a lot of coleslaw. Yeah, and it's bottomless. It could be a million. Any amount of coleslaw is too much coleslaw.

I agree. And I don't dislike it, but it's who would ever pick that as your go-to side. It's just always there, and I pick it. Yeah, I guess I'll put it in my mouth. Yep. Like the stallion. Give me 25 beauties. Give me 25 beauties.

What the fuck? Leaning into family friendliness, Red Robin is one of the most allergy-friendly major restaurants in the U.S. with an allergy avoidance menu and special seating for avoiding certain ingredients. But when I tell them I'm allergic to hamburgers, they tell me my special seat is in the parking lot. Right this way, sir. We've got a private table out back where Jordan tried to park. Man, where do you guys think the front door is?

Probably not in the back with the dumpsters. Here you go. You walk right in and he goes, table for one? Yeah, saying I'm allergic to hamburgers. All right, right this way. Are you satisfied? I'm feeling I'm allergic to hamburgers. All right, right this way. Are you satisfied? I'm feeling good. Satisfied.

Yum. On major grilling holidays, Red Robin opens a phone number so you can speak to their burger experts and ask them burger questions. The phone number is 1-844-RR-YUM with three M's. And it's real. There's no joke here.

Why would they do this? 1-844-RR-YUM What the hell? Can we get a phone number? What is even the RR? Red Robin. I'll be honest. I was like, what's yum?

Yum. I just couldn't get over. You start spelling yum. I'm just kind of. I'd like to talk to yum. Just one of your beauties will do. That makes sense. What kind of burger questions do you think they get asked?

I don't, like, imagine being so lost going to grill a hamburger, you're like, I better call that red-robin' hotline. The hotline. What do I do? Help! It's frozen. You call and you say, have you thought about adding seasoning? Yeah.

And the chef goes, huh? What? What do you mean? Yeah, no, toppings. No, no, no. Season the meat. Yeah, toppings. R.R. Yum here.

What can I do for you? Like, that's his name? Yeah, Reed Richards. From the Fantastic Four? No, he's just some other guy. People always say that. I'm the Reed Richards from Red Robin. I'm the yum guy.

Call me when you have a grilling emergency or want to ask me grilling questions. I'm not stretchy. I'm yummy. But I do know Chris Evans. We're all friends. I knew him before he started getting the needles in his ass. Oh, my God. We call that the super soldier. I knew him before he started getting the needles in his ass Oh my god We call that the super soldier

Oh man I gotta call I gotta call them All natural I'm sure Definitely I gotta call them on like our next major grilling holiday Which is Harbor Day Beyond 4th of July Memorial Day on our next major grilling holiday, which is... What is... Harbor Day?

Beyond 4th of July. Memorial Day. Memorial Day. Is there a major grilling... Thank you. Do people do grills on Labor Day? No. Thanksgiving. Labor Day.

Hollow. MLK Day. Halloween. I'm going to strike you. Hollow. You're just listing all of these. Stop over there. Easter. And the going to strike you. You're just listing holidays. Stop over there. Easter.

And the final mistake. Final fact. Famous Twitter user Chrissy Teigen once declared Red Robins ranch dressing the best around. When Nick did not like that. He did a full-blown raspberry to that. Jesus Christ. The next step up would be him going, Boo!

When confronted by our sauce monkey, she sent him dozens of threatening DMs. Then she apologized and said she was going to quit using sauce, but then gave up four days later and called the experience humbling. That's crazy. I didn't even know that happened. It was happening simultaneously with something else going on.

It got really lost in the shuffle. I like that before I even got to the punchline of the sauce monkey, he got mad. I knew he would. I knew he would. I wasn't even there yet. So who does have the best ranch dressing around? He already told us that it's the

Wingstop or whatever. He says no. That's blue cheese. Jesus Christ. That's blue cheese. Ranch is a whole different ballgame. Yeah, what is ranch? Where is it? Where is it? Which ranch is it? I thought you were asking like what? Chewy's. Chewy's. Oh, he had an actual answer.

He had like an actual answer. See, I thought he was going to say, I'm not sure, but I know it's not Red Robin. I know Chrissy Teigen's wrong. Yeah. No, they've been shooting for years. Instead, he said Chewy's. It's Chewy with a U. Yeah.

I don't think I've ever had ranch at Chewy's because it's- Jalapeno Ranch. Jalapeno Ranch, he said. Oh, okay. Now, don't you feel stupid? I certainly do. I feel and look stupid. Yeah, everything...

I feel how I look. Everything he said, jalapeno ranch. I just heard it because I'm the closest to it. It's just like little lobs. Little lobbed whispers. What do you think it's like when he drives home from work by himself he just goes red light i now have my my like inner voice which is my outer voice now is is nick it's sauce monkey i do it all the time or If something happens and I go,

oh, and I know it's from him doing it. Hanging around this guy too much. It's too much. Oh, my fucking stomach. It's too much. Ooh, red light. It's so fucking funny. Because I can see it so vividly.

Nick's laughing partly because he's like, yeah, yeah. He knows the light I'm talking about. He can probably pick it out. Oh, God damn. Oh, shit. Fuck, that's so funny. All right, and those are the facts.

Yep. Especially the sauce monkey Chrissy Teigen thing. Yeah. That's been confirmed and verified by our editors. Oh, my God. See, Jordan, did you learn a lot in the facts section? My ass is sore. The yum thing was interesting.

I started slouching. What happens if we call that number on a non-grilling holiday like right now? Like what if Eric pulls out his phone and does it? That's a great question. Do you think he's doing it right now

or do you think he's just texting someone? Do you think we're stalling so he can do it? I'm not at all. I live my life stalling for something I don't know that's happening. The last three numbers are 666.

Drink up. It's busy. Sorry. No lines are available. It's not a major grilling holiday, you little turd. Now, how recent is this information? Could you, like, date this? I don't think I could.

The yum? I don't. Is it from an article from, like, 25 years ago? I don't think I could. The yum? I don't. Is it from an article from like 25 years ago? I don't think so. Where are the burp? You're burping all over the place now. Where did this come from? It's from laughing so hard. You're just drinking water. I feel bad. Go outside.

Go outside. You got a special seat for burpy boys. It's getting fucking warm in here. Did they turn the heat up? It's too many What's up? I'm going to try it again He couldn't spell yum No I did

I did 844 RR Right Y Right U It's 7

That's right M 7 digits That tracks Unbelievable Nothing What's going on with Nick's standing now? Nick what happened? That's never good Seven digits that tracks Yeah, nothing What's going on with Nick standing now Nick? What happened ever good? Oh hang on

I'm finding 2016 Red Robin burger help hotline open on July 4th I see it's just fourth of July this one. Yeah, so I mean Fuck we just missed we. We just missed it. Damn it. God. Should I tweet at Red Robin and tell him to open it? Yeah, just for us right now. Okay.

Say, if you can crank this in the next 30 minutes, that'd be some real scorpion sauce. And then put, like, some scorpion emojis and fire. You'd be a real beauty. You'll be our first and only beauty. If we had a hotline, what would the number be and what would we offer? Like, certainly not.

Certainly it would be a recording because we're not going to answer the phone. It'd be a recording and I certainly wouldn't offer you anything. Right. Except maybe some insults. I think that's... So it's an insult hotline.

Okay. It would be something like, hey, is your day going too well when you want to bring yourself down a bit are your expectations too high and you know they shouldn't be call this number and get verbally struck

thanks to Face Jam okay I tweeted it Red Robin turn on the phone number if you can crank this in the next 30 minutes that'll be the real scorpion sauce and then also sent three scorpions

nice but no fire though no because you well you're not articulating minutes, that'll be the real scorpion sauce and then also sent three scorpions. Nice! But no fire though. No. Well, you're not articulating that the scorpion is hot. Oh, I thought the scorpion was supposed to be threatening. Well, no, it's because of the food. That makes sense. I'm going to unleash scorpions on you. See, you did what I did on the Red Robin.

I went with bugs. I didn't think about hot. I went backwards. You don't want these bugs on you, do you? Why would they be hot? You better do something about this or I'm going to be throwing bugs at you. Get stung! They're going to

bite you and then spit in the wound? They're going to sting you and then spit. That's right. So be careful. Be careful. Check your shoes. If there's anything I learned from this episode of Face Jam, you know, bang your shoes together. Yeah, just in case. They'll creep in there.

Scorpion socks. The tiny ones are dangerous. They are. I heard those hurt the most. I heard you die the most. From baby scorpions? Well, like the little ones. They got the worst poison, right?

Isn't that how that works? No, that's snakes. No. Oh, no. You know, I'm thinking of vampires. Thinking of vampire poison? In Twilight, yeah. Vampire poison? The new vampires are the strongest when they're babies. no oh no you know I'm thinking of vampires in Twilight the new vampires are the strongest when they're babies

he knows he just gasped he went he was about to go underwater but that's you know now he's swimming that's why when Bella got turned she was like I'm stronger than you are right now.

Because she was a baby and the babies are way strong. Yeah. Hey, read a book. The book's called Twilight. I really don't want you to explain. It's just confirming what I already suspected. That baby vampires are stronger? Which is Twilight's stupid as hell.

Hey, don't worry. Their power wanes. Yeah. Oh, thank God. Over time. Like snakes. It really flips the script on the whole older vampires are stronger. Because, you know, baby's having a tantrum.

Is there a Benjamin Button vampire who gets stronger as he gets older? I think in general they get stronger right after. It's like equivalent to their teething phase. Right? When all their baby vampire teeth fall out, then they're not yoked anymore. They're just regular vampire yoked, but not like...

But they still play baseball. That's like the thing. That is the only thing I remember. There's a thunderstorm. Yeah, this is the only time we can play for some reason. Because otherwise people would hear us and be confused. You're going out to the woods anyway. Come on.

You're also based somewhere in America, so people probably just assume there's a mass shooting going on somewhere. Look. Am I wrong? You're not wrong. It's not a bad joke. It's great. It's not even a joke.

I was going to say, what's the joke? I'm just saying. Oh, boy. Someone goes, oh, my God, what's that? Oh, I don't know. Somebody's probably just going nuts. Probably another rampage. Jesus Christ. Oh, oh, they're playing baseball.

This is nice. Oh, no, they're vampires. It's not nice again. This is turned around. Yeah. Oh, they're fighting the other vampires. Luckily, I'm an American. I got my silver bullets. Oh, no, that's werewolves. That's werewolves. That's werewolves. Now you're dead. I got my silver bullets. Oh no, that's werewolves. That's werewolves. Now you're dead.

Bye bye, Jacob. Team Edward for life. Like a cowboy. Constitution style. That's Nick with the silver bullets. Team Edward and then he shoots him. That's a nice flashback to 2008. And that's spitting silly.

That was very silly. There were phone numbers, tweets happened, vampires. I liked it. Oh boy. On to the press material. Alright, let's learn about our Scorpion Gourmet Burger. The Scorpion Gourmet Burger is the perfect blend of heat and flavor with a fire-grilled beef burger topped with our scorpion pepper sauce,

pepper jack, fried jalapeno coins. Ooh, trade those in for some money. Lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, red onions, and jalapenos roasted in scorpion sauce and roasted garlic aioli on a sesame seed bun served with bottomless steak fries. Jesus Christ, that's a lot of shit. I mean, that burger was stacked. You had to like... But that was mostly... That felt like mostly lettuce.

Yeah, they used that. It is stupid. Nick and I were talking about the stupid shredded lettuce that they put on the chaquing as well. I would say if your burger has lettuce, that's fine. If it's shredded lettuce, don't bother. Do not bother. It would be better off without it.

Yep. Yeah. I agree. It added almost, I would say it added nothing. Michael, are you talking? No. Are you hiding? I wasn't sleeping.

I was. Yeah, you guys were talking about Shreddus. I'm listening. My ears aren't covered. Shreddis sounds like a metal band about food. Or like Shredder made of lettuce. Very strong. Take that, turtles.

Time to eat your veggies. And then Michelangelo, he goes, oh, Calabunga, I only eat mushrooms. Are they pumping something into this room? I think... The shirt's coated in like... The shirt's going to be toxic. They haven't been washed yet. Technically, too, now I own all these.

Yeah, those are all yours now. I literally have to take them because I own all these. Yeah, those are all yours now. I literally have to take them because I've infected them. I'm using one to cover my mouth. The last handful of episodes, Michael's either poisoned or possessed or something. Why does this keep happening?

Was I possessed? Remember the salt? Michael doesn't remember. I wasn't there. It was someone else. Something's more sinister. Something wicked this week. Oh my gosh.

This goes all the way to the top. Trying to control me. Oh no, not the apple. Trying to control me. Oh, no, not the apple. Donkey muscles. Apples, roaches. We better be careful.

It's been a whole day. Oh, my God. There's more shit. The wings. The wings. Scorpion wings. Oh, no, a flying scorpion? Ah! Ah! My shoes!

They're taking them. They're flying away with them. I lose four shoes this way. Oh no. Available bone-in or boneless. Don't even give us an option. Just boneless, please. Served on a bed of our Yukon kettle chips and drizzled with

whiskey river barbecue sauce. That's it. That's how they came. That's it. I mean, we ordered a lot of shit. Can I just say? We ate a lot, which is why we're probably kind of

waka waka. There was also something that is not on the format and we're probably kind of... Well, there was also... Waka waka. There was also something that is not on the format and we're not grading, but... That we got. And that's the pineapple jalapeno margarita. And that was the first thing we got. And I loved it. Yeah, it was great.

I didn't like the first drink, but I did drink the whole thing. So I think I liked it by the end. It was the only drink. What do you mean? Huh? You said I didn't like the first drink oh like the first sip of it

I was like okay I thought it was super jalapeno-y it was great he was screaming and you were like I don't like it you were like I don't like it I said I would like it better without that like particular

spice and then Eric said why? because I don would like it better without that particular spice. Right. And then Eric said, why? And I go, because I don't like it. Yeah. I didn't say I didn't like the drink. I didn't like that spice. Michael's solution was ridiculous.

It wasn't ridiculous at all. What's the drink called? The jalapeno pineapple margarita. Right. So you just order the jalapeno pineapple margarita with no jalapenos. Yeah, that's not. Then you said, and then you said, just get a margarita. Just get a margarita. And I said, I jalapeno pineapple margarita with no jalapenos. Yeah, that's not... And then you said, just get a margarita. Just get a margarita.

And I said, I don't want the margarita. I want the special. I want the jalapeno pineapple margarita, no jalapenos. You just make whatever I want. You know what I mean? You just... I order it, and then you do it. Someone says, how was the jalapeno pineapple margarita?

And you go, I loved it. And then you just say, you stay vague. You're like, I custom ordered it. But you get it however you want. And then if someone goes, I had it. Oh, I hated the jalapenos. They're so spicy. Yeah, and then you go, oh, I didn't get them.

I didn't get jalapenos. I got, no way. I didn't get them out. I didn't get a margarita. I ordered the margarita and said, can you make that a Moscow meal? Yeah. But if it doesn't come in a brass cup i'm throwing it i'm whipping this thing across the red robin like a baby vampire

it's gonna go through a fucking wall dude i'm like like super serum yoked oh man i'm like i'm like baby russell is that the kid's name? I mean, that's his last name. His name's got to be Russell. I don't know. He came from Kurt Russell's ball sack. Oh, I thought you were talking about vampires still. No, I'm talking about Kurt Russell's son, Baby Russell. His name is Wyatt Russell.

Who was the second Captain America. I thought we were still talking about vampires. Who took the super serum. He got yoked like a vampire. That's what I'm talking about. He took the serum. It's all connected. It all makes sense. You see where I lost got yoked like a vampire. That's what I'm talking about. Because he took the serum. It's all connected. It all makes sense.

You see where I lost the thread there? Baby vampire, baby Russell, vampire strength, super serum strength. It all coalesces into one face jam episode. And that's this episode right here. So Captain America can only play baseball in a thunderstorm too. Well, they're fine with him. So confused. Until they weren't.

Presbyterial. Head to Red Robin for the summer heat wave. That was all caps for some reason. And it just appeared. The summer heat wave. It's the only place where you can feel the sting of the fiery new scorpion gourmet burger and scorpion wings. They should have said bite. Yeah, feel the bite.

Feel the bite of the scorpion. Let's give notes at the end, huh? Both are made with a spicy scorpion pepper sauce that perfectly preps your mouth to be refreshed by the pineapple chili margarita. I'll be honest, the pineapple chili margarita that doesn't say jalapeno. It says chili. Yeah. Oh, you're right.

That's weird. I was right. You get no jalapenos in it, you're still kicking that chili. You're still getting the same thing. You're still getting that chili. You know what I mean? Michael is going to fall asleep. I like the alliteration of pepper sauce that perfectly preps your mouth.

Yeah, and you nailed it twice. I'm slouching because I'm chill, but it's my ass bone is like getting broken in this chair. Do you want a towel to sit on? Nah. That's not going to help. Another shirt perhaps? That's just going to make things worse. Why do you sound labored now?

Yes, it's just I'm defeated. You sound depressed. Yeah, dude, because I know my ass bones just whacked out of shape now. What would a hero do? Just keep trucking. If you find a vial, just take it. Just take it, no matter what, no matter the consequences. There's at least a 50% chance it's Just take it, no matter what. No matter the consequences. There's like a

at least a 50% chance it's super soldier serum, right? At least a 50% chance. Just kind of in a warehouse and it's blue? Drink it. Drink it. It happens off screen, so I don't know. Did he inject it? Did he drink it? Did he mix it?

Who knows? He saw it. It looked good. He fucking sucked it down. Then he murdered someone. Then he murdered someone. Oh, man. Like me. That's the cap I want to be.

I like it. It's good. I want to be baby Russell. That's the true cap. That's my cap. Yeah, I want my shield spattered with blood. Oh, man. Blood of the innocent. Getting the food.

Getting the food. Well, people wanted us dead. That's true. We were trying to stop the troops from coming in. It was like two, three times he got cut off on the way there. And then there was the thing where we were entering the intersection, then everybody was like, no. That was fucking crazy.

Yeah, the car got mad. Beep, beep, beep, beep. Somebody's stopping. But then I feel like we got there, it was fine, and then we were on the way back. And then one last person tried to take us out. He was the last one. He was like, I'm going for it.

We have to take him out before they record the episode. They heard what Jordan was saying about the drink at Red Robin, and so they sent one of their agents. They cannot make it to the studio intact. We're going to be rude. We're going to be heading back to Sam's Tavern. The word gets out. We're going to go back to selling popcorn and sandwiches.

We're going to be done for. The thing I kept bringing up while we were there is that it felt like eating in that restaurant in the middle of the day with no one in there in the middle of a strip mall kind of like outdoor shopping center on a hot day is like that's just every city in Arizona all at once. It's just every suburb garbage place where no one's there unless it's 530 on a Friday. It's like that sucks. If. It's like, that sucks. If you live in Arizona, that sucks.

You're there, though. That's a bummer. You're there. You're there. I go and I go, what are we doing here? You're the garbage people. They're the worst. You have to sit up and talk into the mic.

I'm leaning. Yeah, it's not close enough. Yes, it is. Are you melting? Are you okay? My ass. Okay, it is. Are you melting? Are you okay? My ass. Okay, my ass. Switch chairs. Are you talking about the

are you talking to the ass man about your ass? Oh, boy. Uh-oh. Careful. He's done for. I'm good. Hey. Oh, hell yeah. Let's rap. Let's rap. Nice. Now I'm back. That's pretty good. Oh, damn. You're the coolest teacher I've ever seen.

This is fixing my posture. How's your sit bones? Fucking good. Hell yeah. Well, there you go. I guess now all we need to do is rate the food. Food rate. Jordan tried to tank this episode before it even began.

I want to point out. All I said was that I liked the wings. We sat down and he started spilling his guts. I like this. I don't like that. Here's what I think about this. And I was stunned. Yeah, and then Michael said, that's it.

I would cancel the episode. Go home and ruin my toilet. That's what I said. I was a couple bites in, and I already knew how this night was going to end. I said, call it off. Ruin my toilet. The drink was spicy. The wings were spicy. The burger was spicy. The wings were spicy.

The burger was spicy. We're done for. It wasn't. None of it was even that spicy. The drink was probably the spiciest thing we had. Comparably. I would guess. I think you're probably right. It just went from spiciest to least spicy because we got the wings first and then the burger. Everything you eat on a day-to-day

basis is more spicy. Consistently more spicy than that whole meal. That was not one of the more. I wonder if people who think they're Spice Rats are like, oh yeah, totally. I go to Red Robin, I get the scorpion burger. I don't even taste it. It's a step in the

rat diagram. Yeah, but they think they're a rat, but they're a mouse. I mean, again, just keep eating. You will grow. You will grow into a rat. And then you'll be a spice rat king. You can get there. Yeah. If you're a mouse, keep eating. You'll grow into becoming a rat. That's how rats are. You'll be a spice rat.

Then you need to get a couple of other rats getting tangled with them, and then you'll be the rat king together. It's true. Yep. If you all start working out what's your rats, maybe you get donkey muscles, and then you're a spice rat with donkey muscles. That's something to think about. Spice rat, donkey muscles.

And then you can even throw a compliment in there. Yeah. Yeah, see? We're all putting it together. We're really good at a variety of animals. Oh, yeah, definitely. Go us. Did we do this on purpose?

Give it up for us. Hey, guys, if you're listening to this at purpose? Give it up for us Hey guys, if you're listening to this at home Give it up for us Just give us a round of applause right now Welcome to the animal kingdom That show on TBS TNT, they know drama TBS is very funny

And that show doesn't look very funny That show looks very drama That show looks like it's been on for a long time And I don't know anyone who's ever watched it. It's like Burn Notice. What the hell's that? I'd say Animal Kingdom is the Burn Notice of current television. Do you want me to tell you about Burn Notice?

Oh, my God. Nick's a fan, too. He's all about it. We're talking about the revival of, what's his name, Evil Dead guy, Bruce Campbell. Oh, yeah. It was like his career revival. He was like, look, I'm big, and I'm just going to wear Hawaiian shirts now. And look damn fine.

I'm back, baby. Yeah. He'd go, hey, Mike. His main character's name was Michael. He called him Mike, but they were cool. Does that happen with you? Sometimes. Nice.

I haven't met my Bruce Campbell yet. He's out there. Maybe your Bruce Campbell is Bruce Campbell. Oh, my God. I better hurry up, because I don't know how much time he's got left. Better get all your Bruce Campbell time in. He's been enjoying life for quite some time now.

Yeah. He's been living hard and fast. Yep. So there's our take on Animal Kingdom and Burn Notice. He got burned. That was it. And he got a burn notice. I guess we were going to rate the food a second ago.

We were, and then you trailed off. You guys lost the thread. I totally lost where we were, too. Todd, who's a friend of mine, he told me that Burn Notice is the last great TV show where a spy gets a burn notice. And I agreed. I think that's probably right.

It's honestly hard to argue with that. Yeah, I thought that was some really solid, like, oh, yeah. I mean, those are, that's a true fact. His mom's in it. She's always like, Michael. He's like, Mom. But then he does jobs like the A-team, but he's just one guy. He does jobs like the A-team. He does. just one guy. He does jobs like the A-team.

He does. That's what the show is. If that's how the show was pitched, more people would have watched it. It'll be like, Michael, I was talking to Uncle Sal's friend, his daughter Susie. She lost her fortune due to some hackers. And he's like, I'll take care of it, Mom. And then he gets her money back, and he gets nothing for it. He makes like a dollar.

Or Susie's like, you get free ice cream whenever you want. It's like, cool. And then he goes, anyway, time to get unburned. Am I wrong? Every person just goes like, I heard from a friend, from a guy that somehow knew your mom, that you do jobs. He's like, I heard from a friend from a guy that somehow knew your mom that you do jobs. He's like, I'll do a job. You think in the first season it was a lot easier

for the people around him to need jobs? Oh yeah. They had to go outside. He had a cool warehouse. Pretty empty though. He never really got around to getting furniture. This sounds like a video game and it's weird that it's just a TV show and not a video game. What's weird that it's just a tv show and not a video game what you're

describing is side quests yeah not yet i don't think they're gonna make a burn notice video game they made a sopranos video game forget about it i just finished season five hell yeah all right how many what's the that? That dream episode is bonkers. Crazy, right? Five dream episode. What's the roach count? Oh, yeah. That's tough.

Not a lot of roaches. It's not like an X-Files. It's not X-Files. There is a horse in the house, though. Yeah. Yep. That's the Tony B season, right? Get out of here.

Okay, cool. Tony B's great. Steve Buscemi's so good in that. That show's good, except when they talk. The Sopranos? You like it when they're standing around Stop dreaming Talking to the psychiatrist

Boring I fast forward through all those scenes And then I go see Tony I fast forward until I see Food, guns, or boobies That's what I'm watching Oh man I hated the ending

What happened? Did it get wet? That's what I'm watching. Oh, man. I hated the ending. What happened? Did it get wet? Who opened the door? Who's there? Oh, man. Christopher. Oh, shit.

So anyway, what are you rating? Yeah, so what do you give the rating? What are we rating? All of it? All right, I'm not even going to talk about the food. Yeah, do I include the drink? I mean, it's on the list, but you can if you want. Because the drink helps. The burger has the same problem with every one of these fucking restaurants,

where the burger doesn't taste like anything. And it's just, we put flavorless meat between a bun. We piled it high with literally everything we could find in the bag. The coins? Oh, that's right. The coins. Jalapeno coins. Appetizing. I love when my food is money. Oh, cha-ching.

Yeah, the burger was my least favorite part. The wings, pretty good. I like that they were boneless, because as we know, that's 100% eat. And they were bettereless, because as we know, that's 100% eat. It was. And they were better than those Applebee's wings. Yeah. Okay.

They were more than a quarter. Yeah, they didn't cost a quarter dollar. That tracks. Yep. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I really like that they came on top of those chips, because sometimes you can snack on some chips. I didn't think I'd go for the chips.

I started going for them. Yeah. They were like, hey, the chips are here. It tempted me. Yep. They didn't really taste like anything, though. No. started going for them. They were like, hey, the chips are here. It tempted me. They didn't really taste like anything, though. No, no, no, no. But sometimes they would have barbecue sauce on them, and you'd go, ooh, chip.

That'd be it. I think the combination, once I started eating the wings and drinking the drink, that was a good combination. That made the drink a little bit better. So I ended up liking the drink at the end. And then I had a couple bites of the burger. It was like, I'm full enough.

I'm done. He ate all of his fries. He went, I ate all my fries. We're like, oh, it's bottomless. And then we looked and you had two bites of your burger. All the fries are gone. The fries were amazing. Those fries were awesome.

They were fine. They were so good. And it was probably that seasoning they put on it that they also had on the table. I think it could have been the ranch dressing. I don't think so. He got mad. I think it could have been the ranch dressing. I don't think so. He got mad. I hear they're the best around.

I'm going to give it a 62 overall. Okay. So we're talking drink, wing, burger. That's right. But side note, Jordan loved the fries, which I don't think we're rating. No. No, the fries were not part of my score. Drink was good.

I was like, oh, this is interesting and different. I would not order it again, but I didn't dislike it. The wings were very good, and we ordered two orders, and so it was just kind of like you know one for each side of the table and they brought them out and i went this is fucking too many so there's so many there was so many i didn't count them and and now granted i think it was a little bit of an illusion because the the base was a bunch of those chips right it wasn't actually as many wings as i thought but there were still a lot then by i don don't even know if it was by the time the burgers came out or after we left.

I think it was by the burgers came out, because I don't think we really touched the wings after that. There was like two left. Yeah. That told me how good the wings were. Not only were like, oh, I'm eating them. These are good. But we just kept fucking eating them and eating them and eating them.

We also thought about eating the last one on the way out, but then Eric stood up and was like, oh, no. I thought I was going to be sick. I was so fucking full. I had to walk away. I said, not this way. This might be the sleepiest I've ever been in an episode. The burger was fine.

The burger was good, but you're right. The burger itself basically had no flavor. It was a good cook. It was like a juicy burger. We asked for it medium rare. It was a good cook. It was like a juicy burger. We asked for it medium rare. It was pretty close. Man, and how rare is that that actually happens?

Usually it just comes out gray. It's just like this fucking sad. And if anything, I'd say it was on the cooked side of medium rare as opposed to not the rare side which is good because we were going to get medium which tells me it would have been fucking overcoated as shit. Absolutely. But it was just all the toppings. That's what it tasted like.

It tasted like the cheese and the lettuce and the coins. I kept in my head, I kept going, wahoo! Every time I took a bite. I didn't say that to you guys, but I was thinking about it. And then one time I bit my tongue a little bit and I went, oh.

I watched him get smaller. Yeah, I shrunk. 10 and 10? But, yeah, I mean, I got to agree. The wings were definitely the best part. Those were the highlight. It would be a much higher score, I think, if we just had the wings. I agree.

The sauce was good. We had a little bit of spice, but it wasn't like, oh, I think, if we just had the wings. I agree. The sauce was good. We had a little bit of spice, but it wasn't like, oh my god, no. When you throw something like scorpion sauce, that's just like, someone's sitting there going, how do we ratchet it up? I thought we were going to be in danger.

What's a hotter animal? I don't know. This one bites. It doesn't bite. It bites and pisses, so let's just do Scorpion, I guess. It glows under a black light. Let's fucking get it. But all around, I'm going to have to rate this meal a 69 for the monkey stallion. Okay.

Nice. And his 25 beauties. 65.5. And his 25 beauties. 65.5. And more. Imagine if we didn't get the burger and instead had one more of those drinks and one more order of those wings. I think the score would have been so much higher.

He just made noises over there. I don't know how to... We don't have a lot of regrets on this show. I'm not looking at him. I think the number one regret we've ever had is not buying the Popeye's chicken sandwich. Yeah, the guy's car. From the guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I sense a lot of regret from Nick over there about eating this burger. Okay. I guess it's snack time. Yeah, he made a weird motion. Whoa. Yeah, I flipped this chair around and my ass bone is back.

It's healed up. Maybe you were sitting wrong. I don't know. I may have been bitten by a radioactive scorpion that's given me regenerative abilities. Do you think you're growing a tail? That's probably about it. I don't think scorpions can walk on walls or anything. I'm growing a front tail. And it bites not in the way you think all right exactly

it's biting and spitting okay this is uh lornetta this is snack attack and then the music okay uh this is that's the the sound bite now lor lorenta i don't know if i can read it you're one of the you're one of the listeners this is from ryan r eric said no bugs so i immediately looked for these but all my favorite bugs i was excited to learn they are albanese brand what now i know i'm actually like gummy bears. Fun fact, I share a birthday with Michael's ex. So I made sure there... That's where it stops? Oh no, what happened?

No! I made sure there was! Where's the antidote? Oh no. Where's the serum? Oh no. Thanks, Ryan. Oh no. We got another listener. Where's the page? Where's the missing page? There's no missing page. Where's the page? Where's the missing page? There's no missing page.

So these are... If there's no page, then it's missing, Eric, by definition. It's not here. I don't know where it is. It's missing. Okay. No, it isn't. These look like candy butterflies.

Not like actual butterflies that turned into candy, but like they're in the shape. Turned into candy? Like through a magic spell? You sound ridiculous right now. Yeah. Hey, did that butterfly turn into candy? Whoa, how'd they get these turtles to turn to chocolate? I don't know about this.

I never ate a turtle before. No, this isn't food. This is just to keep things cool. I opened this like it was food. You fought your way through the gel pack. Where's the snack? That's how they turn the bugs into candy. They put it in there.

Look at all these fucking lions on the back. You're fiddling with it so much, dude. There's a bunch of really happy-looking lions on the back. Let me see it. You're fiddling with it so much, dude. I know. We want the snack and you're just fucking around. There's a bunch of really happy looking lions on the back. They're all like furries. And they're like all dads and it's weird because they're all wearing shirts but not pants. Holy fuck. Is that one? These are butterflies that turned into candy.

And one's like old with glasses. Look at these. Look at this. Look at them. And look at their shirts and lack of pants. And it's off-putting. What the fuck is going on here? It's off-putting. This looks like, this does look like furry art.

That's been commissioned. I told you! They probably paid $10,000 for this. They probably just erased the phallics. Yeah, right? The phallocytes. They all had giant dicks. No, they had tails.

I was trying to be tasteful by misusing words. Well, can I fucking have one? God damn it. Remember those, like, goopy hands? Yeah. Yeah, that slap to the wall? Slap on the wall. Remember them.

These butterflies remind me. They're large and in charge. They're very big. Get in my mouth, little beauty. You can open it if you want. You can have one of these. Oh, they smell really good. These are like the Albanese.

Like 100%. Oh, that's a winner. It's the same company? So they just have like a different... I don't know. I guess so. Brand? I don't know because I didn't understand the note at all.

They also didn't finish it. Well, you threw away the second page. Where's the page? Okay, so here's what I like about these. As opposed to even gummy bears. I like that they're flatter. They are very, yeah. Because it's not as thick to chew through.

It's like the opposite of what I said about the thin pretzels. Because the pretzels eat done. Gummies are thick in nature. And so reducing the bear shape to a thin former butterfly that's been turned into candy, it had some more satisfying to eat. I love this shape. If you were to mush this butterfly up into a bear shape, do you think it's got to be a little bit more gum than a

regular gummy bear? A little bit. But I still appreciate it. I don't think it would be huge huge but I think it would definitely be bigger. I still appreciate that it's easier to eat. This would be a chore though if this were thick like an actual gummy bear. I've eaten like three now. This is

good. These are fucking winners. Eric pulled them out. They're all different colors too to first and like there were two of them stuck together And I was like oh, and then it turns out they were like just like two of them. I was like oh, that's okay I don't have to panic more. I don't know what the hell you're talking about Don't know what you're saying. I like that. It takes a few bites to finish them Why are there lines on them if they're butterflies? We already said that they commissioned the furry art. Why? Is there no such thing as a butterfly?

Isn't that open? Does no one have a butterfly persona? He fucking threw it 35 feet in the air. It's because of the butterflies. It's because of the butterflies. It's because of the butterflies. What he's saying. He yelled, pop fly,

and then there he was back in Arizona in the empty parking lot. Just Eric looking around going, nothing but trash people hang out here. Not realizing he's the only one there. Can't wait to tell the guys about this rundown place. Arizona sucks. No one comes there. Am I right? Nobody else?

Hello? Hello? Where'd everyone go? These are here. Am I right? Nobody else? Hello? Hello? Where'd everyone go? These are incredible. They're good. I did like the gummy bears more. But they're good. They're better than like Haribo.

Yeah, they're great. These are phenomenal. I don't know what I rated the gummy bear, fortunately. I don't give a shit. I think it was like a 95 or something. I give these an 89 just to be safe. No, this is up there. This is 90s material for sure.

I'm going to go 93. Wow. That's a good ass gummy bear. That was good. I really enjoyed that. Those were good. Way to go, Ryan. Sorry about your note.

I hope you're okay. That you just ended it. He was typing it. Who knows what happened. His last breaths and then he hit send and like took the money from his account and like sent the whole thing and then he went, uh, and passed away. Who knows? It's true. We don't know.

I hadn't considered that. I like how you were tasteful and said passed away. Let's just say he's hanging out with Ariel. Yeah. Rotting at the bottom of a stairwell Well if you want to send out snacks You can Send snacks to get rated Send to Face Jam

Care of Eric Badour 1901 East 51st Street Austin Texas 78723 We are We have quite a few snacks still That we didn't get to at Snack Attack So don't feel like you have to send any But if you want to you can Follow us on Face Jam Two, three. We are, we have quite a few snacks still that we didn't get to at Snack Attack. Yeah. So don't feel like you have to send any, but if you want to, you can.

Follow us on Face Jam. Take two. Follow us. Get him. There is no take two. What are you talking about? He's going to cut this out. Follow us on, what?

Follow us on social media. At Face Jam pod. On Twitter and Instagram. Follow us on the Face Jam'silphorMedia platform. Yeah, OnlyFans. And you can see what we have going on, stay up to date with everything that's going on with the show. We will have more information about our newly announced Voodoo Ranger road trip, hopefully soon.

Like a new van? Well, that's important to the road part of the trip. The van's fine? Right, like the van working. We don't have a van right now. You saw it! You saw it out there. I see it. I don't see it driving around very much. There better be a red button up in the front seat for NOS.

Okay. I got you, man. You got it. No granny shifting over here. Hey, grannies die. Jesus. And keep listening. Yeah. Grannies die. Jesus. And keep listening. And keep listening to the show.

Keep listening. Yeah, duh. Set your spirit free, but not too free. Free enough to be able to keep downloading episodes. Still tethered to this. You leave your corporeal body. Yeah. But still listen to the show.

Take two. Take one. You can say take two. No. Because I, you know what? Hey, the jammers out there, they don't get reduced. Okay, I'm down here with you. This guy over here, pristine and proper, you know, he's like,

how do you like my veneers? Take two. I am the real Eric. You think? You think those are veneers? Yeah, really? Well, I mean, the cheap ones. These are donkey teeth.

And your veneers are the teeth that they took from other people who they gave veneers. Cadaver teeth. He's not using them. They're not even the right teeth. I'm in a morgue hunched over a dead body looking over and going, What? They're not going to do anything with them. It's just someone going, they're not the right size. They won't fit. Eric going, they'll they're not gonna do anything with them? And just someone going, they're not the right size. They won't fit.

Eric going, they'll fit. They're gonna fit. You can't put a molar in your incisor. I start putting them in my mouth. The wrong spot. I have six rows of teeth like a shark. Okay, so you can go to store.richeteeth.com for all your face jam needs.

We just released a lot of merch. There's a shit ton of merch. We could name it all. He's covered in it. In fact, we have. None of this is Face Jam. They don't know that. Well, he took pictures. They'll know.

There's a lot, man. If you haven't checked in a while, there's three new shirts. There's a hoodie. There's hats. There's fucking pins. There's a Happy Meal-looking box. There's all kinds of shit. So, you know, scope it out.

You got donkey muscles. Oh, that's a good one. And compliments crackle. That one just dropped. Yeah. Compliments crackle hat is fucking awesome. You know what I'm just saying? Scope it out.

Maybe cop a shirt. Yep. I like it. Buy it. There you go. Buy the shirt. Yeah. I think it means get, but I suggest you pay for it.

No, I like that. Jeez. The old five-finger discount. Damn. From the website? Yeah. There's probably a way. The next heist movie of our generation.

So that'll do it for us, Jordan. You want to take us out? I suppose. That's what I'm talking about. Alright, rate and subscribe and tell a friend about the show where we eat food and rate the food. Tell someone who likes to wear shirts on their body

but not the shirts the right way. What's this? No, look at this guy. Oh. What are you looking at?