100% Eat - Traffic Jamming - Ride Along Hattie B's

Episode Date: January 1, 2026

Did you forget about construction? Nick's invited. Did you know Austin used to be called Waterloo? Pfuck Round Rock though. We're going Super Playan Level 5. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

All right, so here's where we parked. Yeah. Oh, yeah? And here's where we didn't pay for parking. Dude, this guy's on a theft street. Let's go have a look. Stealing SpongeBob, stealing parking. Let's go have a look.

Stealing parking. What a concept. Here's where we're supposed to pay. It's a great shot of the tree. Yeah. I was zoomed. I know you were. It also kept trying to.

It wasn't that far. Nick was like 20. This is where it was. I think those are parked over there. You're supposed to. type in your fucking license. Get out of here, dude. Even if you're going to do this,

like, how do you not have the ATX app? Dude, fuck this place. The PARADX app, like using like the Metropolis app that's really good. Yeah. I guess that's, you need the cameras or whatever. You just put your phone

and you don't have to do anything. It's so much easier. And it's already connected to your car. Anyway, victimless crime. It's the only reason I pay for parking usually. Oh, with you. Because the park Atex app is so fucking easy. It's so convenient.

It's just like, I'm not going to get a ticket or towed for $3. Yep. But I would absolutely not do it out of laziness. Yeah, when it's like, walk down four blocks. Yeah, especially the station's down there. Visit that station and punch your license plate number in. Yeah, sounds fuck.

Yeah, cool. Sounds bad. Here's another suggestion. Can you build the city with parking? Yeah, no shit. Nah. How about that? No deal. You piece of shit. No deal.

More tolls. God, you trust me. I pay plenty on them. Yeah, me too. Fucking hell. Believe me. So coming out to Hattie B's, there's one down south, there's one up north here at the domain.

So we came to the domain one, parking debacle. Really is a pick your poison kind of thing. Do you want to drive far away or do you want to drive to the worst parking situation? Let's go to the city. And I know this is like the third place I've said that up, but they're all tied. The domain's crazy because it's an outdoor mall that also has apartments. A lot of apartments. So people like live here.

Yeah, they live above the stores. They live like next door to the antibodies. And so many like of the parking structures are. stanged off for the residential party. So there's like maybe 20 spots for just visitors. It's nuts. Is there more than 20 people in Austin?

They trick you with dead ends. You have a barely. Damn. Yeah. We all into that garage at the same time. Yeah. This car tried to pull out to get, yeah, it's right now.

Uh-oh. Someone sheepish. Welcome to bad drivers of Austin. Spoiler alert, it's all of them. I watch this happen. Here they come right into me. Okay, you can stop now. No, keep going.

Keep going. Please stop. Nope. Now are they going to put it back and drive? Are they still in reverse? No. The lights turned off. God.

Yeah, but I mean they're part back. They're part. They're part. They're going to throw in reverse. This happened to me like two days ago. Guy was stopped at the line. Which is crazy because so many people stop almost a full car length path the line. Yes.

Usually passed. And then the rare like car length and a half in front of it. Yes. Yeah. The line is there. The line is the line. That's where you stop. I don't understand.

He was a full car length in front, and I was waiting where his car should be. It was like a car length gap in between us. Or sorry, no, he was at the line. It was red. Then he did the like, all right, it's going to turn green. Oh, he drifted forward. Dude, halfway and still kept creeping. And I was going, it's still red.

It's still red. It's still red. Now, don't worry. It's still red. It's still red. There was such a gap. There was such a gap. I was like, all right, I'm going to start pulling up.

I start pulling up as soon as I're pulling up, he throws it in reverse. No way! Because he realized he's almost in the middle of the intersection. Fucking back backs up, stops, light turns green. Takes like four seconds to go. Oh my God. I was like, Jesus Christ, Eric's going to commit road rage right now.

It's unbelievable. I was like, this is the person stopped in the light. They're like, I'm going to go. I'm going to go so good. I'm going to go so good. It's green. Hello. Hello.

Oh, sorry, I was answering an email. I've decided I don't care anymore. Yeah. I never cared, actually. Yeah, I actually think that driving actually sucks. And it, like, if you actually do it, that says more about you. Look at you. Contributing to the traffic problem.

I'm sitting here. Yeah, that's right. I'm sitting here. Yeah, Eric's fucking up everybody's day. Dude, that fucking parking. But, yeah, we didn't really get into the parking situation. That parking structure. It was like 15 minutes.

I cannot believe that. I cannot believe that. You got double dead ended. How? On one level! You were going on one level that thought looped around and it looped around you a dead end? You had to like K-turned out. Yeah, that went down slightly. Yeah, not like a level, but it was a slope.

Yeah, yeah. It was one of those like, oh, this is where the trash bins are. They tricked us. Turned around. It wasn't even that. It was like half of what you expected and then it was a hole. So we're like, all right, let's go back the other way. We'll go up because there's an up and I guess we'll just go to like the second level and park there.

You go and then there's just a big garage gate. As soon as you started driving, you're like, is there no up? There's no up, and there's just a gate in front of you. There's just a gate for residents, and it's like, okay, so we have to stop here and fucking K-turn to get back out or whatever, and the whole time that's happening, there's just people stopped waiting for spots that aren't, they're just stopped waiting for spots that aren't opening up. There is a moment, too, where you have to realize, I'm going to save time by parking further

away and walking, then sitting here waiting for a spot to open. Yep. Like, it doesn't matter if you end up being close. No. You've wasted so much time. I do not play the wait for parking. Fuck. No. Always moving.

I don't give a fuck how far or if it's like street parking. Someone's like, oh, there's free parking, 67 blocks down. Yeah. Like, I'm just going in the garage and paying for it. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to pay $10. I don't care. And then we ended up parking in that big lot on the backside.

And that was a paid parking thing. $40,000 parking swapsed. One day it will be paid parking. Honestly, it seemed like it was more of a pay. He can. Yeah. We could have. We didn't.

Yeah. I paid exactly as much as I thought I needed to be there. Yeah. Yeah. That was ridiculous. That's just a huge lot that you can just. Hi, man. Such a waste of space.

Huge. Crazy. In a city like this too. Yep. Build a parking structure on that lot. Yeah, right. Exactly. You can fit so many more spots.

Insane. For the people that live there. We'll put apartments there soon. God. Oh, cool. Good. Are you putting parking for that? What's that?

No, it's just apartments? No, dude, it's nuts. I hate it. No, I hate it so much. I hate driving anywhere that's like in the middle of Austin. It's miserable. Yeah. This light sucks.

This light does suck. Well, it's because they have all this lane, the second lane walked off. Oh, did you forget about construction? Let's steal the cones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I forgot about construction. If we take the cones, then we'd open up the lane. Yeah, you didn't remember. Did you remember?

I didn't pay attention. I'm not driving. He didn't forget. I didn't forget. what Nick remembers or doesn't remember. It doesn't matter. Oh, are you talking about the previous time? We don't know what we're talking about.

I thought you were talking about this instance. Also, he doesn't even care about the Rubira. Hey, fuck him. That's what I said. Hey, look, there's Gitu Stadium. Yep. Wow. Do they have a better parking light yet?

No. No, the parking has always been bad. You got to park on the backside. You got to park on the back side of the street around the apartment. Even that sucks now. That used to be like the secret way. Yep. Now it's the main way.

Now it's what everybody does. Because you used to have to hike through the woods. Yeah. It was fucking ridiculous. Oh my God. Where are they? It's so great. You had to walk like crazy style.

Like through an apartment complex, so fucking crazy. Like insane that they made you do that. I say woods, but really it was just like overgrown shit. It was a lot. Oh, yeah. But it felt like some days it was. like the woods. Yeah. And then they built the metro station there and now you can just go across and everyone's like, oh, I could just park here. Yeah. And so that's what everyone does. But I don't

have my season tickets anymore. No. No, me neither. Oh, really? No, yeah, yeah, I gave up on it. Oh, man. Why is Nick still friends with you? Why don't you tell him sooner that you didn't have season tickets anymore? What the fuck? How many games did you come to us with? Yeah. What? Huh? I was invited to a couple. Right, that's what... He remembers that. Right, that's what we're saying. Right.

Right. I wasn't able to go. Hey, hey, I'm O for O. Yeah. That's true. That's true. Yeah, that's right. Never once thought Michael would be interested.

And you were right. And I thank you timely for that. How many games did you go to? I was invited to several. Right? It's invited to two. Right. Severals more.

Yeah, it was just a couple. Yeah, you were invited to a couple. Yeah, just a couple. The people who actually went to the games got invited. Try to just say that. Don't ever sell your generosity. I was like Jeb. That baseball game together.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Wow. Yeah. That was a whole thing that scared us. That was a whole, that was a grand slam. Yep. That was a great episode.

We need to go back to some sporting events. We should. The Spurs come soon. Yeah, I don't know that we can do an episode. That would be crazy. If we did an episode during the Spurs game. That'd be something. Maybe not during.

That would be fucking crazy. Like the only reason. I would actually be trying to be trying. to watch that yeah me too like the only reason we went to that uh don't worry i can do the episode by myself i'll be i'll be outside no the pretzels are in yeah the coco's bavarian baby uh we went to that round rock game because it was during the day yeah they don't have like a lot of day games that's true there's no more pool they got rid of the pool is the round rock still there uh yeah we drove past it the other day oh yeah we drove by the actual round rock i've seen the actual

round rock now yeah it's just in the middle of like a stream yeah it is it's right home about it's off the highway on a road in a stream that you drive by and you go is that it and that was it it's not it's not even around yeah no it's flat i hate the round rock it's a flat rock maybe maybe if you looked at it from above it looks kind of i hate the round rock how are people in in the old western days that's establishing this town that's what i'm saying how are they looking at it from a bird's eye angle Well, maybe the stream just continually going against it has caused it to erode down to the shape it is now. And get sharper? Flatter.

Yes. Do you think it happened, though, in like 100 years? I just don't know why you would see that rock go, this rock is round. Home! This will be round rock. This is where we live. What do you talk? Where do you live at the round rock?

Austin is called Austin because it's named after someone. Yeah. Round rock. Steven and up Austin. Round Rock couldn't get somebody famous enough to get named after him. No one wanted to go to. I prefer Austin's original name.

This used to be called Waterloo. Yeah. Oh, really? That'd be a cool name for-Waterloo is a great name. Yeah. Yeah, but what about Flugerville? I mean, that's cool. Is it?

Isn't it? It's fine. Yeah, it's cool. It's better than Round Rock. It's better than Round Rock. Fuck Flugerville, I said. Whoa! That's how Gracie curses is right?

Hell yeah. Yeah. Was that the joke? I don't remember. Dude. Don't. Sorry, I know. This is why not an unpack, a Gracie conundrum right now?

Yeah. I shouldn't be bringing her up. She's not around anymore. Yeah. I thought we all agreed about this. She's gone. Unpacked. After what she did.

Unpacked a greasy conundrum. I mean, because it's unpackable. We all know that. She's not even here to like make it more confusing. I know. Yeah, yeah, because she doesn't know what we're talking about. She doesn't know what she's talking about. What am I talking?

Yeah. She doesn't know. what she's talking about. She knows she doesn't know but we'll argue anyway while knowing she doesn't know what the fuck is going on. Bring up the point, lose the thread,

not listen to anyone, and then end with the opposite point than when she's guarding it. Oh, man. Oh, I want to do a, I want to do a Jordan podcast. Oh, we should.

You want to go to Lobowski's grill? Yeah, I love Lobowski's grill. We'll get a... I want to go to fucking Highland Lane. Yeah, that's where Lobowski's grill is. Yeah, we're going to go there. They have a... When?

Today? No, I'm like Nick. They have like one of my favorite burgers. Right now. One of my favorite burgers in Austin is in the Lebowski's Girl, inside Highland Lanes. We have to get the, what's the drink he drinks? What's the deal? A white Russian? Alcohol? Oh, okay. Well, yeah. Is Sam Elliott there? Is there a rug? What? He's on two-y. Is there a rug? Oh, what movie do you think is on? Oh, let's see. It went from hardcore Henry.

Hardcore Henry was on. Yeah, uh, is it? Yeah, that'll probably over or ending. Doom would be awesome. Yeah, Doom. Yeah. Doom? It might be doomed. Yeah. Doom? The first Doom? Yeah. That's great. I love that movie. No, Doom. Yeah, I'm saying Doom. Oh. D-O-O-O-M. Yeah, Doom.

Yeah, I love that. Do you like that movie? Yeah. It's a piece of shit. I love that movie. Okay. All right. We were talking about, like,

the first person of Hardcore Henry and how, like, that first Doom movie was like... Yeah, that one part, yeah. It was also cool because the Rock was a bad guy. Yes. He was never the bad guy. He's also still a normal man. Yes.

Yeah. He was a movie. And it's, um... What's his name? Carl Urban yeah we got young Carl Urban yeah that's how you knew the movie wasn't gonna be very good it's just like TV actor guy in like a movie he was I think some of it sometimes they're kind of related like the way they like roll into one another so I think it'll be the Carl Urban judge dread that movie was also really good that movie was actually very

good the sluma was shit though yeah did Gavin tell you that no I oh okay no he did it That's the joke. Didn't know. He did some of it. I remember he was selling me, he spent one day just sitting there watching him drop shit. That's the drug that like time slows down and they like throw people off the buildings.

That's the whole day. And it's like a day of them just like dropping shit. Just filming it. Crazy. Wow. We should start slow-o guys. That's good. Yeah, I love it.

We can bring it back. Yep. Ooh, I think we gotta go in a different direction. We go fast mode. You go, we go, like, just. I'm just thinking normal. Blinket. Normal,

normal, guys. Normal motion, guys. We're catching normal motion. I think we should. Hey, check out this baseball. All right. All right. All right.

Tune out. Tune in next time. Hey, this is a good idea. We should get, we should get lab coats. Can't do this. And we'll go to normal. Go-mo guys. Check this out. Throw a water balloon. Crazy, right? Let's see it again. It's the same thing. It's just from a slightly different angle. Yeah, yeah.

Wow, crazy, huh? Maybe speed it up like a little bit? No, never speed it up, but we can still steal Gavin's slow-mo sound effects. It'll just go 10 minutes longer than the normal. Yeah, the video will be over. Yeah, it'll be a water balloon that goes, psh, it'll go. It'll be you guys wrapping up. It'll be you guys wrapping up. The video with the sound. Thanks for watching. Yeah. Yeah. Or maybe both.

We also pick up the mantle of the Impractical Jokers. Whoa! Oh! Yes! This guy! Yes! Oh, did they get another one? Oh, man.

No, but their dynasty has crumbled. Yeah, well, it's just the three now, right? There's a vacuum, a power vacuum. A power vacuum. Right. Instead of us joining, we kill all of them. That's right. Whoa.

As Iris told me, the best way to get back at someone you don't like is to become them. Oh, that would be the practical joke. That wasn't like a lesson in empathy that was just the... Oh, no, no, no. That was a lesson in like fucking someone over. Iris just goes, I told you guys this, but she goes, who's someone that you don't like?

I'm like, I don't have a list of people I don't like. I go, let me tell you, I just don't talk to people I don't like. So I'm pretty free of my life at this point of people I don't like. She's like, yeah, but I'm like, don't you like. And I was like, all right, Eric. This is yesterday. And she goes, you should, so what you should do to someone you don't like

is become. Oh my gosh. And I said, what does that mean? He was like, just become them. Just dress like them and act like them and go where they go. And just take over their life. You know, it's just like, uh-uh.

All right, well. I don't really get them. I was like, I'm going to have to turn my hair gray. And she goes, then you're going to look like a grandpa. Yeah. And I go, right, like Eric. Yes. All right.

So you're catching on. Good door, kid. Become them. Become them, my God, man. Sinister, shit. That is pretty sinister, yeah. Wild, man. Jordan replied, whoa.

Yeah, and said, holy shit. It's crazy. Become them. So we will become slow-mo, guys. Yeah. But normal low-guise. No, we're becoming impractical jokers. That's right.

Okay. We can't become solo-gued. None of us know how to do that. That's true. No, but we know how to be normal. We know how to be impractical jokers. Roller skates a spaghetti, oh my hat! Yeah, we're good at this already.

All right, money please. We already got rid of Gracie's. Yeah. That's good. All right, finally, just four white guys. Oh, we could shoot an episode where she is though. That's where they do it. We could, we won't though.

Yeah, you're right. What do you want to lose viewers? Oh, that's their turn. Oh, she's back. Back talking again. So he's talking. She's here and she's woke. She's here.

She is not woke. She might be woke. She's not awake. Yeah, no. She is. Certainly not aware. She is running in standby. Whoa.

Hello? It's like when your computer is off, or it's not off, but it's asleep. Yeah. And you're like, am I waking you up? Oh, you never start with pushing the button. Yeah. Right?

Because sometimes then it turns off. You got click, click around. You got to tap control. Tap the space bar. Make sure the monitors are on. I got four of them. Yeah. I got to turn them all in a set.

Last step. All right, I guess I'm going to push the power button on the computer. It's blinking. I think it's asleep, but it's on. That's Gracie. Just, crazy, he's on a clicking. Hey. You up?

Get up. Wait, up. Show me the screen. One screen finally turns on. It's not where your login screen is. Okay, it's on the other monitor. Excellent. Oh, I'm on display.

I need to be on HGMI. I hate when it moves. God damn it, Gracie. What are you talking about? I think of Gracie when I launch a Steam game and it opens on the wrong window. Yeah. Just imagine Gracie going, Gracie, as Steam, going, what are you talking to? Why do you want it over there? Are you talking to me? I mean, that's where I'm trying.

Ugh. Yeah, you know, I have this screen set as my defaults. You know, my applications are supposed to open on this screen. I really don't want to go to the other screen to hold Windows key, shift, and the arrow key. You could just open over there. What are you saying? Yeah. What's Steam? Is the game bald? Does the game?

The balder's gate? Oh! I'm launching bald game. God damn it. Yeah, Hitman. Ooh! Have I played this game? What game is this?

Is this Matt? Is this Matt? Hitman Matt. Hitman, Matt. Hitman 47? I haven't played the other one. Oh my god, there's 46. What do you think of me? I got to catch up.

How did they get a guy that looks just like him? I think what we're realizing is Gracie will never leave. Yes, George. Gracie is forever. You won't even notice the gap between the next Gracie episode because we'll still be talking about this. Here's what we're going to notice, not her absence. When she's on again.

Jesus Christ, it's going to be like at a nuclear scale. Like, you see how she acts when it's like a month between episodes? She's going to be so happy. She's going to be so pent up. Play mode is going to be insane. It's going to be play mode level two. Yeah. Like she's ascended past the...

A new plane of play mode. Yeah. She's going to be like, this is to go even further beyond. Whoa. Was she all right? She's going to be plus ultra. What is that?

Her hair turns blue. Sorry, Superon's calling me. Super plan mode. Super plain mode. Super plain. That's good. That's good.

Super playing six. Oh my God. Super playing blue is here. Super plain God. Yeah. Oh, that'd be great if she understood any of that. She had no idea. No.

No. No. Is that a reference to something? Yeah. Where are you talking about? What are you saying? I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything.

I didn't say anything. God damn you. Dude. Dude. That's, ugh. And she was mad at my memory. I'm mad at my brain right now. It's shoving from my brain to my mouth

when I was telling her about the you review. Everyone, you review in the live show. Where can I watch? Where can I watch them? On YouTube. Where? Like in the episode. I don't think you understand what I was just like,

if I ever wanted to choke her, it would be in that moment. I was going, ah, I think I have to understand what you're saying. I'm answering you. That's what I went, okay. Do you see what we're doing right now? This is going to be recorded and this is going to come out. I'm going to watch it, that's what happened. It's crazy.

Oh, it's in the episode. Why don't you just say that? He didn't get what I was saying. I don't think you understand it. She literally like chuckled and smiled. Oh, man. You poor dumb fool. In that moment, Gracie pitied you.

Yeah. I know. I know. And I still like. I refused to like, I didn't want to just end the conversation by just getting right to the chase. I was committed to like a child teaching them.

It's like, you teach her Gracie how to find the episode. I have the answer. She watches episodes for her life. I'm explaining you. But she won't. I'm explaining you the mathematical equation and how you can solve it to get to the answer. I can just tell you the answer.

Right. And you're fighting me every step in the way. God damn you. It's not like she's fighting you. She's telling you no. that you don't understand. I know. That is crazy.

And it's like, not only do I understand, I understand how well she doesn't understand. You know what I mean? Like, it's not like, oh, I was confused. And you were confused. No, you were confused twice. I was confused zero. It's like, I get it and I get what you don't get specifically about this.

This is the conversation we're happening. This is why I'm saying the things that I'm saying in the order I'm saying them. Oh, man. Because of the scenario before us. What are you talking about? It was even funnier because no one else was in the room. I was there, I heard it. Nick was like setting up in the background and I was going, Jesus Christ.

Oh man. I wish this was being recorded. Fuck, it's so funny. Oh, God damn it. Oh, God, I'm sweating my ass off. Jacket's so heavy. It's so much rainier than it is cold. Yes, I agree.

It's really hard to balance, like, how much. jacket to cover a ratio. Yeah, I wore this jacket and then had hot chicken. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. The restaurant was also hot. It was hot in there. This should make the restaurant cold because it's hot food. Yeah. And then they should make cold food go oven. Yeah, then they should make cold food restaurants like a burning inferno. Think about it. Yeah. Rain picked it up. Dairy queen should be hot. Welcome to Amy's ice cream. It's 105 degrees here. What would you like to drink? Well, I'll have the stone gold.

Steve Austin special. Again, all comes back to Gracie. Remember when we both told her that and never corrected it. Are you for real? He's the guy, yep. Wow, I didn't know that. Oh, my God.

Well, hang on, we're still going. You usually stop my garage? We always stop in the garage. What are you talking about? What do we do now? We don't have any food to. What are you talking about? Oh, well, this is new.

We don't have any food. Oh, my God. It's a dark night. This is the same person. Whoa, it is the Dark Night. Oh, cool. That's pretty cool. That's actually good.

Yeah, this is a good movie. It's a great movie. Dark Night, next time we're trying to assassinate a political thing, yeah, a public figure, I suggest you buy American. Bang! Yeah, fuck yeah, turn up. YouTube, don't copyright claimless.

I'm not looking at it. You bring to the organization? Order. Or we're just to treat the way this is hostile. Hostile? I show you a style. Yeah! America

Carbon fiber 28 caliber name China if you want to kill a public servant Mr. Remy I recommend you buy America Oh

the judge is like Don't give him that please And then everyone claps And then everyone claps That's why everyone has to

clap There's no security Where's the bailiff Are that happened Batman Batman Batman risked it all for Maggie Jillenhall well he didn't

he risked it all for Katie Holmes that's absolutely true he let Maggie Jillenhall die yeah yeah that is suddenly he wasn't interesting or was she pregnant why didn't she do Katie Holmes yeah oh oh I don't know I think they just recasted her yeah I think I think there was a reason yeah the uh they did not

I think the funniest choose to recast Katie Holmes with Maggie Jill and all for no reason no No, they did. I think the funniest part of the movie is... No more dead copts. When she's about... No more dead copse, rocks.

Is when she's about to... Bruce, it's okay. I bang! She explodes. It's like a looting tune's car. Yeah, it is. It's so... It's so like...

Sylvester the cat is about to give a speech and explodes. Abaddee up and deep. Yeah, it's fucking... Dude, remember when you thought Gary Oldman was getting old in the movie? Yes. Yeah. And now look at him as the movie. And I go, he's so young.

He's so young. He's so young. Crazy. But then also you look at him now and go, is he old or is he just doing slow horses? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who gives a shit? He's a sir now. Guys, Christian Bale was only 60 in this movie.

Damn her! We're walking up the stairs. We stopped in the garage just like we didn't have RTX out here. No, we didn't have one. Oh, I don't remember. Was I there? Did I work there? Was I had RTX?

Stop talking. So what is Batman's totem in this movie? It's in the same. I haven't seen Inception in one year. It would have been perfect. And right along we referenced Mount the Curbs so many times. It would have been perfect if like that scene was like here. My favorite thing to say.

We could have gotten it in. Remember Gracie apologized for using this napkin? Yes. Because you're getting true on it. Oh, man. All right. That's Tisha. That's Tisha.

Her heads a box of tissues. We're going to do the episode, but we're probably going to watch Dark Night for a little bit. So, Mount the curb. No, we're not. Yeah, come on just like a little bit. Yeah! We said maybe like a bitch.

Oh, short bit. He had three things to say at once. And they all came out together. Oh, that's like the magic game one gave three answers at once.