2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - 2 Bears, 1 Dave w/ Dave Attell | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: April 1, 2024

SPONSORS: Go to http://Kettleandfire.com/BEARS and use code: BEARS to save 25% off your entire order. Visit https://Liquidiv.com and use code CAVE at checkout. Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code BEARS for $20 off your first purchase. Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Head to https://Netsuite.com/BEARS to get a one-of-a-kind flexible financing program now through April 15th. Welcome back to another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave! This week Tom and Bert are joined by Dave Attell for an old-school comedy hangout. Dave has a new special out on Netflix called Hot Cross Buns and he's also here to play catch-up. Tom and Bert chat with him about comedy milestones, new material, overseas touring, Bert's fear of flying, crowd work, stage time, and big venues vs small venues. They also talk about all the comics from their respective generations and beyond including, Zach Galifianakis, Louis CK, Greg Giraldo, Shane Gillis, Brody Stevens, Doug Stanhope, plus the business acumen of Taylor Swift. Take a seat and smoke 'em if you go 'em! https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 230 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Wait, how old's your brother? My brother's two years older than me. I have no one two years younger than me. Really? All white, if that was a question. That's a big deal. We'll be right back. 100%.

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That's KettleAndFire.com slash Bears with code bears at checkout for 25% off your entire order. Do you guys have an ashtray? Yes. Thanks. My daughter, Georgia, started smoking. Oh no. Yeah, she was smoking vapes.

It wasn't me, was it? No. No. That's war, you know? No, but I started buying her American Spirits. I wanted to smoke cigarettes instead of vapes. Have you guys seen the Gary Mule Deer documentary? You guys should watch it.

He's like 100, you guys would never know him. Wait, which documentary? Gary Mule Deer. He was the guitar guy who would shoot an arrow with his guitar into a rubber chicken. And he does like a lot of one-liners and stuff like that. He's a classic like 70s guy. So, you know, if you want to see how the comedy

before the boom, before the bust, before the, like, you know, take you back to prehistoric times. Wait, were you in, were you a part of the first boom? No, I was, I started comedy right at the end of it. So it was like, you know, really bad. And I was gonna tell somebody else, I was like, you know, it was so bad on the road that like, we thought, like I was thinking it was gonna be something like,

where it's like, you know, we do our show, and then afterwards we have to fight the cook for like bare-knuckle boxing. Like that was really what it would be. But it was so bad, I mean it was just terrible. What year was that? 87 is when I started. So I don't think comedy got good again

until like the mid-90s. I remember, cause you on comedy. When did you guys start? I started in 02, January. No way! Wow, amazing. I'm coming up on like 37. In three years I'll be doing it 40 years, Yeah. Wow amazing. I'm coming up on like 37 in three years. I'll be doing it 40 years. So

shit 43 years 40. No 40 years. It feels like that. I started when I was 26. I'm 51 today Happy birthday. No, no, no, no, no, no. No. He meant he just learned that he's 51. I thought I was adopted Happy birthday have a cigarette I thought I was 50. Adopted? Oh. Happy birthday, have a cigarette. No, I, yeah, I just turned 20, no, I just turned 23,

actually, I moved here when I was 22, and I started a few months later. I turned 20. Really? Yeah. Wow. But I remember you were- So now you're coming up on what, like 20 years or so?

22 years. Amazing. Yeah, amazing. So I must be 25, I'm guessing. I'm 51, so what? Yeah. I'm 52 years. So I must be 25, I'm guessing. I'm 51, so what? Yeah, 25 years. That's great.

You had the sports coat and the clean face. That was clean face. Yes. Yes, I remember that. And now it's all do-rag. A do-rag, yeah. For some beefs! Is this to get on Club Shaysay?

Is that what you're wearing? Hey, everybody dresses like this down at the shelter. Yeah. What is the durag? I don't know, I just figure the way things are going in the Middle East better be ahead of my bet. Anyway, well that's great guys. So, you guys never knew like a dry time in comedy.

Well, I mean, I don't know, like the early 2000s. Well, you both came to see me at Brea, right? I worked with you in Brea twice. Yeah, so there you go. I don't know, like the early 2000s. When you both came to see me at Brea, right? I worked with you in Brea twice. Yeah, so there you go. So, but that was already, comedy was big, but it wasn't as big as it is now. Not like now.

Yeah, not like now. That was the, that was the... Look at Dave. Look at... Ew! Oh, oh my gosh. Holy, wow, I didn't know I ran the Ukraine. Look at that. Look at that.

Ah, look at that thinning. Yeah. Thinning to bald. I saw your Aspen set where they had the gondola behind you. Yes. I remember that set. Yeah, we all thought Aspen was gonna be the Nashville, but it didn't turn out that way. Right.

It was like high altitude. Everybody's gasping for breath. Yeah. The crowd is so rich they can care less. Now when you did. Can we get that off? I really hate watching myself. When you did. Can we get that off? I really hate watching.

When you did Montreal was it still because when I did it everyone had like the high hopes. So like this is where we're like yes get made. But we learned that like oh no that's over now. Because I went for the first time in 07. They're like it's. Yeah. No that's where I remember Mitch Hedberg crushed. And like you know there was deals for him after that,

and also Larry the Cable Guy. That's where he played, and he had the best set of, we were playing jimbos or some comedy room there, and he just killed it, and I think that also led to stuff for him too. That was still happening. That was the- Nothing, nothing now.

That was the legendary Mitch Hedberg, where he did the set, and then Dave Beckie got him on a plane and got him out of there Really they were like they were like he went up did like one set and destroyed Everyone started flooding with deals and Dave Becky's like you can only fuck this up. Yeah. Yeah the fuck out just just leave you're gone That's nice. That's good. Yeah, it's great advice. I wish I'd taken that a few times That's good advice. It's great advice. I wish I had taken that a few times.

Get out of here. Because once you do good, then especially a guy like me, you got a few drinks in you and start fucking feeling yourself to people. Well, that was the whole thing there, is just like it was the party and then it was the shows. And like, I have to say the crowds were like the nasty show. They were great.

And Bobby Slayton used to be the host and he was the star and Dom Irera, those guys like they kind of like ran Montreal. And the crowds were great. And Bobby Slayton used to be the host, and he was the star, and Dom Iara, those guys, they kind of ran Montreal. And the crowds were great, and I think that was because Bobby broke them like horses. He showed them what to do, what not to do. And doing that show, you felt like a rock star. And then I did it years later, and it was the worst. It was nasty, it was nasty then.

Yeah. Because everyone was clean, everyone was trying to get a television development set. No one was going up talking about putting thumbs in asses. And then you'd go up and now it's like, they do the nasty show and I'm like, oh people are just doing their sets. But it's also the crowd became like this kind of feral,

wild, like almost like at a casino, here's some comps, go see the nasty show. Yeah. So I'm sure it's better now. I know the guy runs the festival. He's a great guy. Bruce. And yeah, I mean, it's really difficult to do festivals, especially since now

there's festivals everywhere. Would you start, because I always felt like the tour that you do could be a festival. Yeah, I don't know what that's gonna be. I honestly, right now I'm just doing it so I can spend time with my daughters in the summer. And my favorite comics, we just put out an offer to Christina see if we can get her to go.

Good luck. Where to go where? To the, do Fully Loaded. A run? Just do like a week. Interesting, man. But like, and then we do the cruise. How does that go?

Oh, fucking. So you mix with the crowd through the cruise? Oh yeah, it was, by the way, you gotta pick the right comics. It's funny In doing the tour. I've realized there are comics There are comics you can say that are on the tour they get everyone to go on the tour Like when you did the first tour Everyone immediately was like hey, can I hop on and you're like, oh you know that you didn't know I had no idea

Oh if I can get you Louis black was a big one cuz everyone everyone wants to meet him like no one gets to spend Time with them and then you get a night hanging out with them and everyone's like Cornering him and and we're helping me out man. No, but you we got you to go to To Scranton VA no, yeah, you know No, we went out we went out to that bar and date. Oh yeah, that was a flashback. It was like crazy, because we were like,

who wants to go out? And everyone's like, I don't know, it was late night. And Dave goes, let's go. And everyone was like, Tommy, we put 15 people in a fucking van for like eight people. I was sitting on the floor, everyone was like, we're going. And then we went to the bar. You're impressive, because you kind of did

what I did on that show, which is like, you went shop for And then we went to the bar. You're impressive, because you kind of did what I did on that show, which is like you went shop for shop with everybody. I went shop. And unlike the rest of them, you had someone to be the next day. They didn't. I went out with Dave in Inbrea one time. This is during...

The TGIF? During the Insomniac days. Yeah. I just remember I woke up in an apartment, someone's apartment. Wow. Like I I just remember I woke up in an apartment, someone's apartment. Like I blacked out and woke up in an apartment just trying to keep up with the whiskey shots. Smells like a book deal to me.

You know, the thing is like, I give you guys a lot of credit because like, you know, now that you're at the point where like, I guess you can control your travel, but can you imagine being like that, hung over on a regular flight on a Spirit Air how like bad that would go? You were you you that I remember I did when the weekend George was born they're like we have a you can work that weekend she was born on a Wednesday and I was like I probably should stay home with

my daughter and they go to tell in Miami I was like I'll be there I left Thursday morning George was born on a Wednesday I left Thursday morning, George was born on a Wednesday, I left Thursday morning. It was a tell. And so I went down and I was ready to party and you were sick. And you were like, the first night, you're like, I'm not going out, I don't feel good. And I was like, okay, so I drank at the bar.

Friday night, you sensed that I was waiting to go party and you're like, I'm not feeling good, we'll go out tomorrow night. And so I was like, okay, cool. And then Saturday night, you're like, give me one more night. Well, I promise, we'll go out tomorrow night. And so I was like, okay, cool. And then Saturday night you're like, give me one more night. Well, I promise you we'll go out Sunday night. So then Sunday night came around and you looked

and you were like, okay, let's do it. And we went out to a bar and I had never seen anything like that in my life. Everyone was throwing shots at you and you were like, I can't, I can't. And then I was just taking every single one with you. Yeah, no, you're good, man. And let's face it, that story says something,

you are a super fan of mine and a debatable dad. All right, you know, you could have kids anytime, but some hack is playing in Florida, I gotta check that out. Listen, 20 some years, that still holds true. No, I love that you bring your whole family on that tour. That's really cool. And I was also like the bragging rights those kids have.

I love that they, for Father's Day, me and Georgia sat and watched a tell together. On Father's Day. Well, that's terrible. It was fucking awesome. We sat and we did yoga in the outfield that afternoon. I think we flew on a private jet that morning. Yes, that was a great story because it was,

from where, it was like from Ohio to Rochester. It's like the work, like no one ever takes a private, even the president wouldn't do that. You know, it's just like, look at us everyone. They were like, cause. You did that for us though. I did that, I did that because you and Big Jay were there. And I was like, everyone wanted to be on the private jet.

But you were cool because the money, you guys know more than me, but you're like, they have all the snacks and you're like, take everything. Honestly, it was like a 30 minute flight. I said, everyone wanted to go grab seats and I was like, hey, two seats there, Dave and Big Jay, me, and I don't give a fuck who's sitting next to me.

And I was like, but I'm sitting across from these guys, I'm drinking in the morning with these guys. And then Big Jay had a couple cocktails, and then me and Jay just hammered you with questions. It was the- Well, Jay's a buddy of mine too, Jay, and I used to go on the road together also. He's a monster headliner now, he's doing great.

But I was gonna ask you, on your run, man, you're hitting towns that I never could hit, like Mississippi, like I've never played Mississippi, so I'm looking forward to that. It's gonna be fun. And it's in the summer, Mississippi in the summer. Woo! There are the big names, like Jay's,

I mean this with love, but Jay's like a name that you say Jay's doing the tour, and everyone's like, yeah, I'm in. Because Jay's such a fun hang. Oh yeah. It's all about Soder is just a great fucking hang. He's a great comedian. You got some really big names there too.

I mean, when I did it, you had, who was on that one? That was, Shane was doing it too. Shane Gillis, I think he told me, it's weird because Shane's gotten so big, you can't go to his agent. You can't follow him, he's really hard. He's a hard follower. I gave it up to you too, man.

You had to follow all that act. I followed Joey Diaz and Shane Gillis one night, and I remember being like, I remember my daughter's like, you go next? I was like, yeah, I know. It's death wish. I was like, don't worry, I take my shirt off. It's death wish.

But no, but Shane Gillis is like, man, he's really hit his stride. Yes. I feel like, did you feel like in your career there was a point when you figured it out enough and he's really hit his stride. Did you feel like in your career there was a point when you figured it out enough that everything you were saying was just popping? No. I feel like every time it's debatable,

like whether, it depends. When you go in front of your crowd, you kinda like, my crowd gets it, they love jokes. They love other comics. I always ask them who you went to see. They've always gone to see you guys, they love you guys. But when you go like at the cellar late night, you get a lot of tourists there,

there's a guy there with his rolling bag, you know, he's heading out for a flight. So I'm always like, you know, if it works here, it's gonna work, but you know, at some point you're like, it's two in the morning, you know, half the people in here kinda don't wanna be here now, but I'm still gonna try something. And then I get angry at them.

And then the people at work that go, that's my favorite part, when you get angry. You know, so, I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing it there for, but I guess it's habit. But it's also like, we know that like, you have to go on, like you guys going to the store, you have to go on in front of people

who like don't know you too. You know, that's part of comedy. You know, it's- That's the best part about jumping on shows like unannounced, is that you're getting like an honest take. Well, it's tough though too because, especially if you have a style that does work with your fans, like I feel like I've created this,

for lack of better words, like this like Harry Potter type story of my family. So everyone knows these characters. And then when I go in and I go, yeah, my wife's old as fuck, they're like, yo, that's your wife. And I'm like, oh, yeah, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what if it's like the one that

you don't wanna talk about that, you wanna work on something else, then they feel cheated. It's all fucking jokes. Yeah. I have so many fucking jokes right now. Oh, so many. Wow. I have a theory that school shootings are, was our,

like our fear was getting pulled in the back of a truck, fucked, and then your head cut off and left in a drainage ditch. Right. There's kids, all these kids are just afraid of school shooters. I was like, I think our fear was worse. Yeah. Well, when I was growing up, it was cults.

Like you don't want to get brainwashed and get cult. Yeah. And our parents, it was the Cold War. Yeah. Everyone get under their desks. Yeah, the Ruskies. Yeah. Everyone, every generation has a fear.

So I've been trying to work on, I've been trying to work on a joke that tethers addiction to alcoholism. Cause I... What? Yeah. You're two favorite things. You got a PowerPoint, you can show me how this... So, well, whatever.

I mean, you guys are working on new hours, right? Yeah. You're working on, yeah, and I've seen, that's an amazing turnaround, man. I think I'm spent now, it's gonna be. What's the name? Hot Cross Buns. That's the name.

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Where'd you shoot it? What? Where'd you shoot it? Shot it in Cobbs, and the one thing I wanted to do, and I'd like your opinion on this, is like going into it, I said to everybody, my director, really great guy, Scott Cowell, I said, I want it short. I want it really short.

I feel like no one has an attention span now. And that since I have to keep touring anyhow, it really is not like I'm gonna be able to take a year off or anything like that. I'm gonna have to go right back on the road. But that wasn't it to save jokes. I really didn't. I gave away most of my, pretty much everything good I had.

So I was like, I just want it short because I think that I pop better since my stuff is really short. Like there's like 90 jokes in the 30 minutes. So what is 30? Your skanks from the memories is the, what is for me the prototype of how a special should be done because you never in that special

and this is so important to me, you don't ever go back to a subject. Like once you cover something, you move forward. But I think, don't you think that's, because I was talking, I work a lot with Louis Katz who's a great joke writer by the way. And you know, the guys I work with also are like into jokes. So I'm like, I always have that one good joke,

and then I'm like, and that should open up a conversation about the topic, and it's like I never have that. You know? Right, right, right. Yeah, but you just keep firing jokes though. Yeah, but it's kind of sad that like, you know, because there's guys who are really good at that of where it's like, you know, this is like

I'm opening the door to the house of this topic. And now we're going to beat up the topic. There's so much stuff in there, you know, and I don't seem to get that, you know? Yeah. Malaney's like that. I think Malaney's so fucking talented. Malaney, man, talk about like another beautiful special,

that last one he did, man, that looked great, you know? Yeah, it did. Some of these are like better looking than movies. I mean, like, they're just like the cinematography and all that kind of stuff. Incredible. Well, I think those guys have a vision. I think like guys like Malaney probably entered this business with a bigger view of what this business could be.

He's like, yeah, I think he has a lot of skill set to that guy, like you know, I know he can write, he can do that, so you, you guys both have like, a lot of other talents, you know. The best part of Malaney is that he was addicted to coke. That's the best part? Yeah, I think that's, it's just, it make, it is just an extra layer on that onion,

where you go, there's a danger in him. Right, yeah. There's a, and I like, Maloney's brilliant before I knew that, but when I found that out, I went, I love guys that like running their finger through the flame. Like, I don't know, it's always been. It's the darkness.

I love the darkness. Like, Artie, when Artie, you know. Artie Lang? Artie Lang. He's a very good friend of mine. I love Artie Lang. I'll always love Artie Lang, cause you know that there's a part of Artie, you know. Artie Lang? Artie Lang. He's very good for art. I love Artie Lang. I'll always love Artie Lang, because you know that there's a part of Artie

that's a little deeper than you, than he's letting you in on sometimes. Artie's one, you know how it was like, be real and all that stuff. Is there nobody realer than him? Nobody. And I've seen, you know, like Artie is totally sober, I can tell you that with sincerity.

And even though he's going through some hard times, you know, he like would never pull back from like, he tells his stories are worth listening to and they're like exciting. But I've seen him done it in front of today's, I guess you could say woke crowd. And they're like, what, what is this? What?

Like all the things he says, you know, like a lot of it is so, you know, whatever. I guess they can't deal with it. They don't want to hear it. That's basically, you know. It's like too honest. Yeah, but it's also so funny. I mean, like, you know, you can't really like,

I mean, this guy really has lived a life. So. And he's kind of set up the prototype for the way a lot of us podcast. Cause when he was on the start. Yeah, he's great on the mic. Yeah. No one great on the mic. No one's better than him.

No one, I remember driving from the Borgata into New York to get a flight home, listening to Stern, and they were talking, and he, I think it was the time he opened up about using heroin. And I remember being like, he's telling us this? Like this is, like that kind of vulnerability though. Yeah, well, you know, people love him and I think there's also the flip side

of having like a fanatical crowd like that which is like you don't want to disappoint him, I'm sure you have the same thing. Yeah. So, you know, you don't want to let him down, you know. You gotta be there for them all the time, so. Artie's the fucking best, man. I like, I love that guy.

He's awesome. I can remember little things in your career, I don't know, did you ever have, probably not equivalent, but like first person to ever compliment me on a joke was Jim Norton. I remember when Artie Lang followed me on Twitter. I remember when Norm MacDonald, the first time I met Norm MacDonald.

Like I remember those moments. Well, I love that you brought up Norton because I was just talking about him too, that he doesn't get enough props. He really is a great comic. Amazing. Oh, yeah, no, we've talked about it. We talked about it. Yeah, like his stuff is really good It's really good and I see him at the cellar, you know Like he goes on way earlier than me He has a radio show and all that but like when I get to see him

I always want to see like his new stuff because he's working on new stuff and he doesn't like I pander to the crowd sometimes You know, hey, what are you gonna do with this kind of stuff? He never does that, he just does what he wants to do. And same thing like Ari Shaffir, who also goes on late at the cellar, like I go, like you're doing what you're supposed to be doing in a late spot on an off night. Here I am, like, I'm just basically going nuts up here, but he's working on actual material.

I think Ari is underrated in comedy. He is a true comic spirit. Flawed at times because everything for him is about, I was trying to tell a joke. As upset as you've gotten at him, the things you've done, he always has this good intention of like, yeah, but we're comics. It's what we're supposed to do. I put it this way, he's a great skier, you know, he skis. And for our people, that is a big win, that was a

feeling that needed to be crashed. And no, he really is always fun to watch and like, he doesn't take the easy road. So what are you guys thinking like for this year? I mean like just more touring, right? No, I'm taking time off. But you were overseas, right? Yeah, I started overseas in Asia, but last year I did Australia, South America, and Europe. How was South America?

It was awesome. I did Argentina, I did a show in Chile, and I did Mexico City. Mexico City, by the way, is just like doing a show in Houston. I mean, it was... Same amount of Mexicans. More like El Paso. It was a... But like full, like full fluency. So like when you do like Chile, we did Santiago, and we did Buenos Aires, Argentina. You get people that are... They know the show's advertised to be in English, and they come and they get it.

But there's a level of fluency. You forget that like Mexico City, you know, they're so close to the states, that you have like a lot more fully bilingual people. Mexico City's an international city. I've run into comics from Mexico City in New York, and like they're like, we got our own scene down there. Also a fucking impressive city. Yeah, oh for sure. You got like that city is massive and it's like it has

everything that you would want in like a New York or LA. It's cool. It's very cool. I can't leave the country because of my mom like she has dementia so I'm always afraid that like I'll be away when she's doing something you know. Sure. She's in the gun cabin you would love to show there yeah I love the international stuff I've done I would say the crowds were like the smallest part of it because it's just

you're in another country yeah you know have you done Asia never done I've only done what USO tours mostly the Middle East yeah and then whatever I did on the insomniac show we always did shows like we did Japan I guess you have to do though. Yeah no I've done that years ago yeah but like I heard their scene there is like exploded to the point like I wouldn't even recognize it now. There's a lot of guys move there from the

from the States and they start there. Patrice was gonna move there at one point. Oh how cool would that have been? Because he was he was right around like when I was probably 27 he was like he was getting big in Amsterdam and the UK, people loved him. And he was like, you know, maybe, I remember we were doing Edinburgh and he was like, maybe this is the move. Like maybe they seem to get me here and. Really? Yeah.

And then just shortly after that, ONA really took off for him. And then, but I think he still did, he dated a chick in the UK for a long time. I don't know about living there. That would be kind of like a lot, but I think Stanhope would go there for weeks and they were reviewing his shows and all that kind of stuff.

There was a lot of pressure on him, but he always said it was a cool scene. Yeah, but it's a different vibe. It was a different vibe of standup back then because it was very much like everyone had a new hour, their hours were thematic, and it was like, and it was a lot of puns. Oh yeah.

I remember me, Voss, and Patrice watched this comedian, and I remember Patrice's mouth was open, he was like, I don't get it. And he was like, and I was like, yeah, I didn't really get it either. But Patrice was just like. Did you ever do Melbourne International Comedy Festival? Never, we never had that kind of cash

to go to these other places. I did that one in 2011, and it's huge, you know? The Melbourne Festival's huge. And there's like 300 shows going on in a night. It's fucking wild. It takes over the city. And there's a lot, it's funny, because international acts, some of them they'll be like,

it's their show that year. They're like, I had a show last year. This year's show is about my dad. Like that's like the fucking power. I don't know about that. I feel like that's not my scene, that kind of long form storytelling. Yeah, but it's also like.

But Jimmy Carr is a joke guy. He's a joke guy. Him and I, I know him and I like Jimmy and I like the fact that he slams out those jokes. And he also comes up with a new hour every year too. It's a lot of joke writing. But these long form like Iliad kind of things that they're doing over there, I don't know about that.

No, it's a different thing. Bone broth, are you fasting? What's that? Bone broth, would you like some bone broth? No, I'm okay. Yeah, it's got some kick to it Would you like some bone broth? No. Okay. Yeah, it's got some kick to it. Will that stop the rains?

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We're trying to lose weight. I think you've lost some weight. I have lost weight. Since I last saw you, I definitely lost weight. But I just was like. Do you guys have a bed or something? No, we're doing a 5K. You wanna do our 5K?

Are you guys gonna get so thin that you both can wear the same pair of pants at the same time? One in each leg? We would be great conjoined twins comics. That'd be great, yeah. We could get conjoined. If I die, if my liver goes out, take just my head,

sew it onto your shoulder, and tour with me. That's a great idea. Those... You mean like a side head. Yeah, like a side head. Those conjoined twins. Facing the other direction, so you can't hear, I'm off, Mike.

Turn me around, Tom. No, but he's the back of the day guy. Back of the day, a guy could say this. Those conjoined twins that are teachers, they're married to different guys. Yeah. Isn't that wild? Where's their Hulu deal? I think they actually have one.

Well, you're doing the bone broth. Now what kind of exercise are you guys doing? I lifted this morning. I lifted this morning. And then I run. And then some MMA in the evening? Sometimes, when I do two a day. Yeah.

I was- Do you ever run? No, I have a bad knee and I'm pretty much a COPD at this point. I jump rope till someone knocks on the window, like when you do it in a hotel and somebody knocks, like, could you stop doing that thing in there? When was your first cigarette? You know, I grew up, I was like bronchitis and all that kind of stuff.

So I would say my 20s is when I really got hooked into it. No shit. But the, you know, I grew up, I was like bronchitis and all kind of stuff. So I would say my 20s is when I really got hooked into it. But the you know, I smoked before that, but it was really like I'm standing in front of a comedy club or I'm in a club. And like back then you could smoke inside in bars and all that kind of stuff. So it just was so natural. And I was I was just thinking about it when I was standing and smoking in front of San Diego, where, you know, I have plenty of company down there on the street late at night.

I mean, it's really pretty off the gas lamp. So it's just like, you know, I have plenty of company down there on the street late at night. I mean, it's really pretty off the hook. So it's just like, you know, this is like, if I had the time back of smoking in front of places, that would be great. You know, I spent years, I think, doing that. That and also waiting on flights. Like that's probably two or three years of my life, I think, you know.

I think, I wish I had never drank on planes. Yeah, see, I don't know how you could do that. Cause I never did that. For real? Never, never. What was your drinking like? Uh, I would drink after the shows and like, you know, like late, but you know, I'm like, kind of raised like, you know, work, you know, like worker guys.

So it's like, you know, no matter how hungover you are, we want you in there in the morning and like, you know, don't, don't push out on us. So that's how I always felt about it. But you know, let's face it, like once you're able to do something, you do it. So when you drink on a plane though, what happens when you get like, hey I feel like, you know, going,

well is it a private plane or a regular? No, no, no, no, I mean I drink on those too, but I, Private I can see, but on a regular one, you're gonna get in trouble. I have a hard time staying sober on a private plane. I'm not flying private anymore because I'm trying not to drink on flights, and I can't not drink on a private flight. Yeah, gonna get in trouble. I have a hard time staying sober on a private plane. I'm not flying private anymore because I'm trying not to drink on flights, and I can't not drink on a private flight.

Yeah, I think it's built for that. Yeah, and so I, and I gotta be honest with you, they're more steady on the big planes, like you're, and I have a fear of flying. You do? Yeah, I have real bad fear of flying. And so I would, it started when I was younger, my dad, my dad's the one that started it.

I was seven, 18, I was getting ready to go to college. We were flying from the islands back to the States and I was nervous and I had cried on the flight there. You cried? I still cry on planes from anxiety if I don't drink. Not less now, but bad when I was younger and my dad was like, Jesus Christ, just have a fucking drink already. And I was like, what?

He goes, it'll relax you. So my dad got me a drink and I murdered it. And then he got me another one and I murdered it. I was like 18. And I was like, I don't feel any fear anymore. And I got on the plane and I was like, well, this is what I'll do. And so I drank, I've always drank on flights.

What was your fear that it's gonna crash? The fear of death. Always fear of death. I feel claustrophobic on these planes. That's my biggest fear is that we'll all get in and lock the door and go like, guess what? We're gonna be here for 12 hours. And it's happened to me, like we've been there for many hours.

And I'm like, you know, you people don't get it. I'm claustrophobic. Like I could flee. That would be a great time for a drink. You never drank on planes? No, that was not my thing. Only when I drive. Hello?

Sorry, no. My favorite thing in the world is to get nice and lit on a plane start listening music and writing down ideas I love really I Don't know. It's just is really like it gets me inspired Like I feel creative and I feel loose. I feel comfortable really yeah Yeah, and and so I don't done you've done other like like have you done parachuting or gliding or all that kind of stuff? Skydiving. So that's pretty amazing for guys afraid of being

on a plane. I did it for money. Kind of crazy. Oh, okay. I did it for a TV show there. Was it a TikTok challenge? I did, I had to jump out of a plane over Montana. And Montana is, I mean, not everywhere spread out,

but for some reason it looked real spread out. Like it looked like you could see forever. And that anxiety, that's agoraphobia. So I get agoraphobia scuba diving too. Is just the idea that- The endlessness of it? The endlessness of it freaked me out. And the plane was bouncing around everywhere,

and it took forever to get to 15,000 feet. Wow. And it was a tiny plane plane and I was fucking terrified. And that was the last time I jumped out of a plane, I'll never jump out of a plane again. It was- Yeah, I did it one time too. You did do it?

Yeah, have you done it? No. You should do it once I think. You did it for the military. No, no, I did it because I was 17 and me and my brother wanted to do it and I had really cool parents. They were like, sign this, they didn't even know what it was

and it was the release and they let us do it. So. I mean, how was your brother? My brother's two years older than me. I have no one's two years younger than me. Really? All white, if that was a question. That's a big deal. We'll be right back.

No, I, yeah. So we were like, you know, that kind of kid, you know, like mix it up and that kind of stuff. But I would say now like zip lining, I wouldn't do that. You have young kids, do they do that? Yeah, they both, Georgia just went, Georgia and I both went zip lining. These kids are pretty brave when you think about

some of the stuff they do, all that like parkour stuff where they're climbing over stuff. Georgia just started rock climbing. Wow. And that's something you do when you're young. When you get older, I think you have a fear. I've been stuck on a rock, like, where you can't, you can't get your next grip, and you're stuck,

and you're just frozen. And that's fucking pretty terrifying. Well, now I'm at that age where I'll only do that stuff if I survive cancer. You know, it's like, hello, Mount Everest, I made it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm still here, everyone.

Wait, are your brothers funny? No, you know, we're kind of like worker people. We're like hardcore worker people. My sister's funny. My mom was funny, but she has dementia now. She just laughs. That crazy laugh with no light in her eyes. But I don't know, do you think that's part of it?

Like your family's funny? Oh, my sister, Cotty, is way funnier than I am. Really? And my sister, Annie, is, do you think that's part of it? Like your family's funny? Oh, my sister Cotty's way funnier than I am. Really? And my sister Annie is, when you put us in a group, I'm the very least funny, which isn't shocking. But I'm more, I've always been better at being able to be funny to strangers, but not with my family. My sister Cotty is fucking hysterical.

I remember when she moved out here, I was like, you have to do standup. You have to do standup. And she didn't, I don't know what she does now, but she works at Fox or Disney or something. You don't know what she does. You don't know what she does. I know what she kind of does,

but I always say it wrong, because I don't really, if it's not about me, I don't really listen to Don. My dad was funny. I mean, I feel like really listen to Don. My dad was funny, I mean, like, you know, I feel like if you live in a house where, like, you know, like super sarcastic, verbally abusive, like the fun he follows, you know, like that kind of thing.

So, but then there's people like these, like, cold houses, you know, where it's like, you know, I'm like, dad's resting, don't go in the study. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. See, I think my mom's really funny. She's really funny. Yeah, your mom is funny.

She's funny as shit, but I don't think my sisters are that funny. I think your sisters are fucking hilarious. Yeah. So. Have you ever met sisters, Dave? No, what do they do? They are fucking awesome.

Something at Fox or something? Something, I don't know, some network shit. I don't know. No, they're kind of funny, like. They're bigger personalities than him. He's you're more like your dad Yeah, his dad was more like a like a funny but quiet dude, right? Yeah, I wouldn't say he was funny Why it was a white man? I don't think it was funny. He loved jokes. He loved jokes He like like joke joke, you know, I mean like what's like if I told a story on stage. He was like, like joke, you know what I mean? Like what's, like if I told a story on stage,

he was like, what is that? Wow, he's a joke guy, huh? He's a joke guy for sure. But I mean, you know, he's a different generation. Like those guys grew up on street jokes and like. And those party vinyl, you know, like they would have like put on a red fox or something. He brought me to a dinner one time with his friends.

This is like, I've been doing stand up probably, I don't know, 10, 15 years. And like these older guys, these guys were like in their 70s and 80s. And they're like, all right, like, go. Like, let's hear some of your stuff. Oh, from you? Yeah. Oh, I hate that. I was like, what? And they're like, well, what's one of your jokes?

And I was like, it's not like that. And they're like, what do you mean? And I go, yes, you know. And then he goes, well, I'll tell you. So he starts telling me, you know, it's two blondes and they're hanging out in a bar. You're like, oh, OK. And they're like yes, you know. And then he goes, well, I'll tell you. So he starts telling me, you know, it's two blondes, and they're hanging out in a bar. And you're like, oh, okay. And they're like, now you go.

And I was like, no, I don't have that. We all know those jokes. They're really hard to come up with. You know, like those three guys and a this and a that. And I was, because I was telling somebody else, I was like, you know, that's almost like, you know, like for some reason, all those jokes have been written already and there's no new ones. Like, it's really hard to come up with them, you know, like for some reason all those jokes have been written already

and there's no new ones. Like it's really hard to come up with them, you know? Yeah, there's like no new ones. I called Stan Hope one day and I said, what are you doing? He said, I'm having a grapefruit and vodka, trying to write a knock knock joke. Yeah.

And I said, really? And he goes, yeah, I figure we gotta be as good as those guys, right? And I was like, I guess. And he was like, so we gotta come up with a knock, like I'm just sitting here trying to write a knock, and I thought that was like, it's cool the way Doug's brain works,

where he's like, just going like, I'm not gonna work on, I'm gonna just try to see if I can write a knock knock joke. He, I think I said this the last time we got together, was that he was always my favorite comic, he always represented like, you know, like he was always ahead of the. He always represented like, you know, like, he was always ahead of the game, if you ask me. Like, he did his specials and then he did his own specials.

He's like, I'm not gonna wait on them to like, and I'm not gonna censor myself, and like, I'm gonna release them myself, and all that kind of stuff. And he also like, did the book thing before anybody did. Yeah, he did. And his road is, no one does it like him, with that one show, get in the van, move to the next town.

It's like real vaudeville style. He's not doing amphitheaters, he's not doing theaters. He's doing clubs, bars, car washes, whatever it is, and then he moves on to the next one. So back in the day when we used to party and everything like that, we had super connection that way. Now, his Bisbee, the Bisbee experience is like, I'm really glad that he kind of found his thing, you know, like I don't know if he ever comes here. Does he come to LA? Because he won't come to New

York. I know. I've asked him a million times, like, come by the cellar and go on. I'll bring you on. He won't. He doesn't want to do it. So he ran his new hour at the store and he was, I went in the back and watched it was fucking amazing it was amazing and you know he's just self-deprecating he's like ah and I was like he had he had have you heard the joke he has about the telemarketer now it's I couldn't do it cuz I'd fuck it up cuz it's so but basically it is leveraging racism versus wrong. And he forces the audience to pick which one they

don't like more. Yeah. Now, Doug doesn't pull the punches, that's for sure. No, he's so fucking good. And he's someone, when he tours, I always say he had probably the best taste in comics too. Like when he did the Unbookables, he discovered Sean Rouse for me.

Sean Rouse was, like Leanne calls him a scoundrel, but like he had a mischievous look in his eye. Yes, he's still in my mind one of the best joke writers because he had a lot of problems. He had rheumatoid arthritis, serious drug, and all that kind of enabling. And most of the people that I know who knew Sean and we all were like, he got a sober,

I actually paid to put him in rehab. So the people who did get rheumatoid arthritis go like, now I get him, now I know why. This is so painful all the time that this poor guy was living with this, and he had it when he was like 17, 18, whatever it was, 19 years old, his whole adult life was with this thing, and for him to like still do the kind of stuff that he did,

he's amazing, I'm really lucky I was able to tour with him as much as I did. He bit me one time. Did he ever, talk about drinking, I mean this guy really knew how to do it. I used to look at this. Have you ever seen a guy drink with a claw? Like his hand, do you ever see his hands? Yes.

There was a thing about me that I've always liked, I've always, anyone who's a drinker, I've always wanted to have a moment, like Zach used to be a drinker, Galifianakis. He was a fun fucking drinker. He's another guy I think is like a talent beyond, you know, like, there's talented people and then there's Zach.

Zach really is super talented. I walked into his, he stayed at one of the, one of the Gramercy Park hotels, an older hotel in New York that hadn't been renovated yet. It had a real 1970s vibe. And I remember partying with them and then a bunch of us went back to his hotel room and he was like, and it's kind of a look into Zach's brain,

but like he kind of pulled me off the side and he's like, can I show you why I love this place? Because he is like an artist too. Yeah. And he was like, come here. And he took me into the bathroom and there was a bottle opener next to the toilet. And it was put on the wall and it was a marble wall,

like a tile wall. What hotel is this? The Gramercy Park Hotel. And he goes, they had a bottle opener in the bathroom. Like that's how they used to do it. I made it. And I was like, wow. And then hung out with him all night.

And he was never like, the last time I ran into him was at Brody's funeral. And he's obviously a huge movie star. And he came up and he's like, Burt, Zach Alfenakis. I was like, I definitely remember you. We all know who you are, Zach. And he was like, well, it's good,

I think he quit drinking. You know, I know Brody for years. Oh, Zach? Yeah. Yeah, no, he's- Brody quit drinking too. But, yeah. But like, you guys probably know,

you probably spent more time with Brody than I did, but I feel like every time I was with Brody Stevens, it was memorable. Totally. Because really, just immediately, we lit light into each other, and like, he was always good with the back and forth, and just his like,

you know, he used to do audience warm-up. Amazing. So like, he was used to going on to, like, people with no reaction. Cold! You know? So, seeing him do his act and the way he would do that, like, a man, like, where it's always about him, I loved it. It was so fun.

What a, you know, another guy, like, just sad. You ever hear the story of how they sold his TV show to HBO? Well, Zach. Zach walked in and they go, so what are we trying to sell? And Zach's like, there's no way to explain Brody to you. And they're like, well, and Brody's in the room. And they go like, give us an example.

And he goes, Brody, Top 5 Streets in LA. And he goes, Sepulveda, Satecoy, and just named his five favorite streets. He goes, tell us why you love him. And he just went off on the streets in LA and they sold it in the room. And they were like, I don't know if they know what we bought.

They didn't know what they sold even. Well. He would connect with me always whenever I got in the store about Starbucks cause he knew I liked like, and then, and sports cause he knew I liked sports. Yeah. So he would, he would be like,

do you have your Starbucks today? And I was like, yeah. He's like, I go, he's like, do you get it when you travel? I go, always. He's like, that's what I like about them, consistency. And I was like, yeah, that's very consistent. And then it would always be like, how are your teams doing?

The FSU win this weekend? And I was like, you know, they lost. And he'd be like, too bad. He's like getting ready for spring ball. And he would get excited about spring ball coming up. So you just talk about football with me, baseball, because he loved baseball. He loved.

Yeah, he was a baseball player, right? He was a baseball player. I didn't know that about him at all. Legit, like he was a legit pitcher. Was he a pitcher? Legit pitcher. And then, yeah. But how many years ago is this now?

Like five, 10, I mean like how many? Yeah, now we're talking, I mean the conversations we were having were 10 years ago. I think he's been gone, what, five, six years? It was before the pandemic, it was before all that stuff. It seems there's a lot of mental angst out there right now in the scene here. Do you feel like, do you have self-imposed pressure

to be good? No, my pressure is to come up with new material every time I go on stage. Is to have something new, just even a little bit, because I think I said this before, is that when I started, I was the doorman at the original Improv in New York, and I would see the same guys go up.

This is like there was no audience there. 12, 20 people at the most. Like, comedy's dead, it's dead. Even, I think even Dyson, I was doing movies, he wasn't even touring at that point whatever it was But it was like, you know These people come in and these guys would just go up and do the same jokes every night and I said to myself I ever get on if I ever get spots like these guys

I'm gonna try something new all the time and I've done that We're like even if it's the smallest thing or say it differently Yeah I tried to make the most of every stage time and I think that's important Especially for guys like us, since we get on a lot. And for the new people that once they get to that point, they should always try and push it.

Little steps lead to big things, so that's what I think. Yeah, I remember, because I've told this story, how I still remember that when I did one of those weekends with you, I would watch your set. And at the 30 minute mark, it would be this one bit, right? I forget what it is. But when I get to the punchline and it was like, at show one I saw it and like it worked,

like big laugh. And then show two, you switched it out. And then I was like, oh, he switched it. And then show three, you switched it, but to another punchline. And show four. And I was like, oh, every show, this bit has a different line you're trying. Well, I always feel like, you know, people always go punchlines, punchlines. I'm always like, it's setups, you know. Like, I feel like at this point, coming up with new setups is so difficult. That's

why I love that you incorporate all that family stuff into it. And it's funny, it's not like one of these where like, okay, now we're gonna hear about a family. No, it's funny, it's like not, it's not PC family stuff. It's real family stuff and I like that. And I'm like kinda jealous in a way. I'm like, wow, you have all these different topics to talk about, you know?

Like, if you go with your family to the ice cream museum, it means something different than when I go alone but yeah thanks for thanks for noticing that because that was like just like it keeps it fresh it keeps the joke fresh for me but it also keeps me on my toes you know yeah you had a joke when I was really young that I watched you like pick apart but the whole, you would put it all over the place and it was about hitting a man in the head with a hammer. And you were like, ah, and it was like, and it was fun to go watch and sit in the back

and find, especially watch different shows and go, oh, the hammer's here now, the hammer's there. And I think, I've said this a million times, but I was that guy that got 15 minutes and was like good I'm set and then I worked with you that weekend in Miami and I did like Thursday All I wanted you to do is go great set Thursday and I got off stage. You're like how were they go? They're good You're gonna kill and you killed and then Friday first show I got off you like how'd you do?

Oh, how were they? I said good you're gonna kill and then you first show I got off you like how'd you do or how were they I said good you're gonna kill and then you Killed and Friday late show I go out and I was like and I just go they're good You go, how about writing some new jokes and I went what you went you're doing the same act If you want me to watch you like write some new stuff and I went oh In my head I was like, oh, I'm not gonna get like Gifted a career by being funny for the same 15 Oh, I'm not gonna get like gifted a career by being funny for the same 15. If I want someone like a tell to watch me, I got to, and I went up and I did a brand new 15 minutes that was okay. And you walked up, you came up to me and you had notes and you were like, oh, keep, I like that.

And I was like, oh, and you said that weekend, you said to me, now is the best time because no one's watching you. You're not selling the tickets. You get to do whatever the fuck you want. One day you're going to be headlining and you're going to have to murder. Now is the best time, because no one's watching you. You're not selling the tickets. You get to do whatever the fuck you want. One day you're gonna be headlining, and you're gonna have to murder, and if you don't know how to write now, you're never gonna be able to write then.

I said all that? Yeah, and I, dude, it stuck with me. It stuck with me, I featured. It sounds mean, but I gotta say one thing. First of all, I apologize. No, no, it wasn't mean at all. It's what you wanna hear. But this is the story you should have said to me

while I was washing your tour bus. Like, I apologize. No, no, it wasn't mean at all. It's what you want to hear. This is the story you should have said to me while I was washing your tour bus. Like, and then you said, if you're ever going to headline, go ahead, sir, yes. No, but I remember I featured, that whole year I featured, and especially when I featured at places where I was like, where like, laughs unlimited in Sacramento. Where I was like, oh, I'm not I've the feature gigs a gig

They're gonna give anybody. Yeah, like I should just be writing right now well, well this is two things to get out of it one is that like Like you get it. You totally get the the whole thing of the feature like you can do no wrong really Yeah, I mean like you don't have to close you don't have to open so you might as well push it a little bit But the the other thing is that like now with these younger comics, like getting into the club is so difficult unless they have a following that like they want to murder and I'll say to my guys, I go kill it up there, like crush it and like try and get them to look at you so that they'll bring in. But it always comes back to the tick, you know, like tickets and like, I'm

sorry we got tick tock guys coming in, they can sell out the room and all that kind of stuff. So, but it's cool that you got that. Some guys, they never get that. They never get that whatever, like, use the stage time. You know, really use it. And like, I think that's really half of it. Cause I wasn't funny, right? It took me years to like, get comfortable and get funny

and then to figure out what I'm, kind of like how to put it all together and all that kind of stuff. And like, you know, when people go like, so, do you think your character is important? I'm like, like how to put it all together and all that kind of stuff and like you know when people go like so do you think a character is important I'm like no consistency is important yeah be consistently funny and once you have that confidence then you'll be able to break it and like start talking about all your truths and all that kind of stuff but you have to be consistently funny you got to be able to like you know okay this is happening in the room

right now I'm able to handle that and a lot of these kids are getting a free pass on this whole like you know people sit there and they and they that's why this is happening in the room right now, I'm able to handle that. And a lot of these kids are getting a free pass on this whole like, you know, people sit there and they, that's why this crowd work thing really kind of like, you know, I was talking to somebody else and I'm like, you know, crowd work is something you did when it was bad, when the crowd sucked. And now it's become this art form,

this like, you know, another like figure skating at the Olympics, you know, it's like another event. So, but I always feel that like, you know, the more you can, the Olympics, you know, it's like another event. So, but I always feel that like, you know, the more you can, the more, you know, and we've all done this where we do a joke we know is gonna tank and then the recovering, like learning to recover is important too. That's the whole thing.

It's funny, but especially at crowd work, like the way I used to do crowd work on the road was, and I think some people still do, some people, Mark Norm is really good at it. He's very good. In the moment, I think I write so much. Him and Sam Morell. They are a machine, they really are like the guys

when I go like, what are you doing? And Sam's like, I'm almost there on another hour. I'm like, already? How do you do that? Yeah, he is a machine. But I used to do crowd work where you'd ask them the question, but you already had your joke in your pocket.

And then people were like, you're amazing at crowd work. I'm like, I don't know. But they don't know. They don't know. They don't know the trick for sure. Now you told me one, so I featured for you one year and then the next year I featured for you at the same club. Yeah. And I didn't know that you paid attention to what I was doing.

So in the second year when I got off stage, you go, uh, are you doing some of the same jokes as last year? And I was like, yeah. And I felt like a cold sweat start. And I was like, what? And you're like, what, do you wanna be an actor or something? And I was like, what, no.

And you're like, you gotta write, man. And I was like, okay, okay, okay. It was good. I really don't think I said these things the way you're saying I'm saying. No, you did. That's why we like you. right, man. And I was like, okay, okay, okay. It was good. I really don't think I said these things the way you're saying I'm saying. No, you did. That's why we like you. Oh, okay.

No, we did, but here's the thing. The reason we remember it is, yeah, because it's you, but because it has an impact and because it was true. It was good advice. Like you cared. I gave somebody advice. Did I hand you a guitar? That would be like the ultimate insult.

I did it one time to a guy and I thought I was doing the right thing. I was headlining, he was emceeing. So there was still a middle after him. And we had done most of the weekend and I go, hey man, I got to tell you something. I go, I'm just telling you this because you should know this. You're emceeing on like a, this isn't a showcase show, this is like a headline show, and you're opening with like all this crowd work.

As he was like talking to the crowd, I was like, you can't really, you don't really get that to make that call. Like you're kind of dictating, you go for the feature, it's not even for me. I go like, you're putting that feature kind of in a weird place. Because the crowd thinks that like, that this is the thing now because you're doing it for like your whole ten minutes

Okay, he was like what I go. Well, there's some people that would like Just have you not do the rest of the shows like you're just you're I know what you're saying You know, I mean like you're you're you're setting up the show to be something cuz you've decided and you can't do that in that spot and Yeah, you could do crowd work. But like you're setting up the show to be something because you've decided and you can't do that in that spot. And you could do crowd work, but like you're, you know, you got, you have to have written material. Sure, that's true. But I will say one thing and like,

I apologize if it came off as, as current. If I did say that to you, it was because I think that, you know, I remember now like when you guys did work with me and how you were crushing it. And it really has to do with, a lot of people feature because they're not headlining yet. And I bring guys out like that too. And the one thing I will say that I've never said to any opener is that I don't want you doing this joke

or that joke or whatever. The only time on my special when I said, don't bring that up just because I want to do that joke, other than that, they know they can talk about whatever they want to talk about, or the guest bites, they do whatever whatever and I will adjust around it which adds another level of like working out in a way like Okay, well this guy, you know talked about whatever I can't talk about it now so yeah, but I look back on that when you said like when you said that I look back on that as like a

Turning point like it's it's something that I needed to hear because here's the truth Like if I hadn't heard it then, who knows how much longer it would have been before somebody had said that. You know what I mean? And especially someone you didn't respect. Exactly. Like if someone you didn't respect says it.

That's a big deal. So I've had people say like shitty things when I was a feature to me and I was like, oh you're doing that out of insecurity. And then there's people I respect that you're like, oh you're saying that because you want me to be better. And no one does that. No one's like, I think you're good, you can be better, this is what you need to do you want me to be better. And no one does that. No one's like, you know, you're I think you're good.

You can be better. This is what you need to do if you want to. Well, if you're going to be like, well, we are like we're different, like, you know, like the I'm a club comic. You guys are, you know, like you guys deserve every every everything that's come come your way and you've earned everything that comes your way. Not really. It all starts in the clubs. And not to make this whole like whatchamacallit, let's name a movie, The Blind Side.

No, no, no, it's like, this is about the worker comedy, and it's not easy, and it's not gonna be a victory lap, and for a long time, you're gonna have to go, the only person who cares that I do this is me right now, and you have to make peace with that, and you have to go like, the only person who cares that I do this is me right now. And you have to make peace with that. And you have to get out there every night and take the beating that you, you know, the beating I deserved,

which is seven, eight years of being not that funny. And then the beating that I didn't deserve, which is just like, hey, can I get in this club now? Can I headline? Can I do that kind of thing? So I think along the way there, there's a lot of of easy roads of like, hey, you know what, I know I can always close this way

and I'll go, but the real worker comedy is going like, okay, I got that, now what's the next thing out there? That scary blank page, you know? Yeah, I think another guy who really knows how to work for his stuff is Louis. Because he'll be like, he's like, you know, once these 15 minutes are down, like I know they kill, working on, I'm not working on them,

it's just like masturbatory up there to like, you know. And I feel like he really uses stage time to work. For sure, I mean, you know, that's why I'm doing it. You know, like all these shows during the week, that's what that's about. And the fact that you guys go out, that's why I'm doing it. Yeah. Like all these shows during the week, that's what that's about. And the fact that you guys go out, you don't have to do that.

There's a lot of big headliners that, the only time they're going out is when there's a check. So, I understand that too. You've done it, you've made it, why screw it up, you know? Yeah. Do you, like, I think Tom and I are pretty transparent with our wants out of doing specials.

Like, I've always wanted to do bigger venues, I've always wanted, like I... You're good in a big venue too. I love arenas more than anything. It's not easy. I love arenas. I know, but it's not easy. It's not easy, but it's a different muscle.

But like, what do you want out of this special? Like, what, cause you're someone I love. What do I want out of it? Like, cause like, I would love, I would love a David Tell arena tour. I would love. Never. I would never do it.

I could never sell the tickets and I never would do it. I think that even the theater work that I've done, I'm like, this is cool, but look, I only did one show tonight, I feel a little whatever. But for me, I got bills, so I gotta pay the bills. But I'm very happy with my career and where I am. I get to play clubs wherever I want, when I want. And I, you know, my crowd is really good.

Like, I mean, people always talk about, you know, like the crowd, a lot of people have been with me for decades now, and they really do get these jokes. And they really kind of like, even though they always bring up the old jokes you don't wanna do, it's still the fact that they are like, part of the comedy universe. Because they've all seen you. They've seen all the names we've talked about. And. It's still the fact that they are like part of the comedy universe, because they've all seen you,

they've seen all the names we've talked about, and like those are the people that like when you say like the super fans, that's who those people are. So what do I want out of it? I want to keep working, and like I want to hit that 40 year mark, and then you know, I guess I'll jump off the Hyatt. And uh.

And uh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't know, I mean what do you guys want? I mean like. It's mean what do you guys want? It's so funny because you're not a guy who wants to increase the ticket price,

you're not a guy who wants to do bigger venues, you're not a guy who, like, you're just, it's almost like, it's almost like, like an underground rapper, or like, you're like, you just are, like, it's the coolest thing about you putting out a special on Netflix, in my opinion, is like everyone's going, I hope it trends, I hope I can move on to theaters, everyone.

I mean, and I love Sam Rell and Mark Norman and Shane Gillis, but those were their ones. Look at Lady Mary here with the glass piece on the cigarette. When did that start? Oh, sorry, everyone. I'm so sophisticated. Collecting some data on myself there. That's the cool thing about you putting a special on Netflix. So you wouldn't though, you. I'm sorry. So sophisticated. Collecting some data on myself there. That's the cool thing about you putting a special on Netflix.

So you wouldn't though? You put out a Netflix. No, I would, like I worked at the theater in Atlanta and I hadn't been in Atlanta in a long time because the punchline there closed and I've done the restaurant, that's the new punchline, I've done that, but I hadn't been there in so long and they're like, well let's try a theater play and it was fantastic when they added another show and I almost sold that one out, but at the end of the day, I know that I'm best in the clubs, but the theater thing is something that I guess

I should have given more time to, because you know how it is, you don't start out where you're selling out theaters. You start out where like, hey, it's half full, I'm not making any money tonight. And same thing with the Netflix thing, I'm not doing it for the money because they're not paying me that much money.

I lost money making the special. So it's really about the jokes have been done, done now get them out and hopefully there won't be so much blowback on it And then you know you do like you do what you call it You have to start the next hour and like I'm telling you like these short jokes and the guys who do short jokes God help you because it really is like oh man like I thought I ran like my new all the jokes I don't have 15 minutes and I'm like wow that's yeah nothing yeah like I'm not even there it's not even like the the marathon just began they just shot the gun you know yeah so that's scary you know but I mean once you have something I guess like for you guys like do you have a plan like a special

every year every other year you know I I, I mean, I, the last, because of the pandemic, the turnaround for my last one was three years, and I think that's a, That's a good time, yeah, I think so. That's a good turnaround time. I think it's better. I think it actually made it better. Depends what you're going for.

I know you're working on one now, right? How are you feeling about it? Not good. I mean, I feel like it really is scary. Cause I just felt good about it for the first time Tom and I worked together in Vegas and I had to follow Tom and so I really, for the first time really sat and was like,

if I'm following Tom I gotta really put it together. I only did 30 minutes. We only had to do 30, 35 minutes and it went well and I went, I felt confident for the first time, but now I just feel confident about the first 30 minutes. So like. So, but you did 30 minutes of new, that's great. That's so cool.

I would kill for that. I'm doing an hour, an hour and 20 of new on the road right now. All of it is good, but it's not, there's like a skinning up process of like shrink wrapping these stories, making them a lot tighter. And then my big challenge has always been because I think ultimately when I was in, started in New York, I really respected every, all the joke writers is sprinkling in enough short jokes that you can sit through the story. And so that's for

me, ultimately, it's not even about time. It's more And so that's, for me, ultimately, it's not even about time, it's more about knowing when the hours do, that I start focusing. So if you give me three years, I'm gonna fuck around on stage for fucking two years. Like I'm just gonna keep writing and keep writing and keep writing and keep writing.

And then at a certain point I go, all right, time to commit to some bits and then make them good. You know what happened to me at the Vegas thing because we had to do shorter sets is I would, and I would wanna go from like this bit to that bit. Yeah.

That I ended up editing like on the fly. And then I was like, oh, that's actually a better version of that bit. You know what I mean? Like I didn't do it the long-winded way, and then I trimmed it down, and then in my head I was like, I think that's the way I should do that bit. Cool.

You know, so that was actually kind of cool. Like, you know, I give you guys credit because Super Bowl weekend in Vegas, like, I mean, like, I'm sure they were super fans of comedy, but it must have been like, you know, just the energy, you know, vibrating through the room must have been nuts. We closed on the national anthem.

Well, there you go. But also, both of them. Both of them? I hope so. The line- We're all walking right now. The lineup too was Trevor Wallace, Bobby Lee, Shane Gillis, Me Burt.

What? You closed it again? Dude, man, that's balls. Dave, no, it's not, it was panic, and then when we were doing sound check. Well, yeah, after I heard how he wanted to come on stage, I go, you can go last. Wow.

He's like, I'm gonna do a lap around the arena. Yeah. You can go last, dude. Kept Tom on stage as I took my shirt off. It was like, it was, but it was still, ultimately I had to follow my own entrance where I was like, well, fuck, and I was out of breath. So I was like, fuck.

But no, I think for a special, I commit, like I commit a full like five months to just, and it's a little, I think it's detrimental to being a parent, because I just go, I'm on the road, I'm on the road, I'm gonna be doing, during Fully Loaded this year, I'm gonna do theaters Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and to get ready for the special, because I shoot the special right after Fully Loaded,

so I'll do theaters Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, because I'm shooting it in a theater, and I did my first theater in like, probably two and a half years, two years, this weekend, and I didn't realize how different an energy an arena is to a theater. Yeah. It's, like, even comedy, when I do comedy clubs,

I notice that things that work in arenas don't work in comedy clubs. Like, small movements sell really big in an arena. And you do it in a club and everyone's not looking at the big screen, looking at your eyes. Everyone, so you're all of a sudden these eye movements that we get pops don't work. And I'm like, fuck.

And so a larger movement works better in a club. And so, and I think you're forced to write Smarter in a club. I think you can I think Definitely like a setup like a good joke when you it pops in a club. It destroys in an arena I'm glad you said that that whole thing of because that is so true like from either watching guys in an arena or like When I was part of the Madison Square Garden 9-11 thing, I was like, man, it's like, even the acoustics there are great, but still like the fact, just the fact that there's like, you know, you can't, there's nothing to grab onto

in the clubs, you can see the walls, you know? So like, you know, like at the very least, there's exits that you can see in this club. But in the arena, you're like a wash and you are the one little thing in the middle of it. And I was like, you know, what are these people looking at right now? I mean, my jokes worked and I did like, you know,

my recorder thing and all that just to do it, say I did it. But I was like, yeah, the really good guys are the ones who like animate themselves. Like really like the eyes, the movements, taking the right pause in a, in a. It's a different pause. The timing of the crowd reaction is so like, it takes you, you must be a master at it by now, but initially that must have thrown you off right away.

I said the joke, where are they, where are they? I bombed the first couple arenas I did. I didn't do great because I'd run through it and I'd talk over myself, I wasn't pacing myself right. And then you go back to theater and you're like, why isn't it, and then when I did a theater, this past weekend I had Reno. And I was like, and I was like, wait, I can,

and I wrote for 15 minutes up front and was like, this feels so much freer. You really gotta be on script in an arena a little bit. But you're the example of the exact opposite. It's like when we did Rochester, I remember you were doing crowdwork with the scenery behind us. Well, that's my thing. But it was so fucking brilliant. It was so, it looks like someone went to Brookside Community College and then there's a huge Brookside Community College in the background. Huge

pop and Big Jay goes, he's working the town. Oh, if you didn't like that one, pray to the cross up on the field to the left. And there's a big cross. It was fucking brilliant. I always liked making the room also part of the show, like whatever, or the street, or whatever it is. But that to me, when I saw you doing that,

because outdoor sucks, let's face it. Outdoor is the worst. But like, if you embrace that suck and really bring it close and give it a big kiss, it's a fun, it's a fun, like, you know, it's a slam down. You know, that's the way I see it. You murdered on, like. Nah, I feel like Shane was the one on that,

the one in Queens, remember we did the, I was like, wow, I mean, like these people, honestly, but you crushed it every time. It was crazy to watch Shane, like, wow, I mean, like these people, honestly, but you crush it every time. It was crazy to watch Shane, like, catch his stride. Like, because I've always thought he was funny, but then within those fully loaded dates, and to watch him, like, all of a sudden get to a place where he's just outpacing, like, and he really does,

I mean, like, say whatever you want, just about being funny, but he writes a lot. He writes a lot. He always has new material, and he's always opening on new material. Like, shit that I look up to, I go, God damn it, you're opening on that joke? He's like, well, it's not that strong,

so I figure if I put it up front, it'll force me to figure out what's good about it. And you're like. He's got so many, he's an impressionist guy. And growing up in comedy, I was the impression guy, but his stuff is good. And there's a few guys that are really good at it, he's one of them for sure.

He's someone that- Yeah, he's super self-deprecating. He's super self-deprecating. Before that show, we were in my room, and I was like, how's your hour? And he's like, it sucks. And then he goes, I suck. And then we walked out.

So I was like, yeah, that's good. That's gonna be insane. His pop in Vegas when he went on stage was so fucking insane. Oh yeah. We didn't tell him it was a fun show. It was a surprise. So we bring up Bobby Lee, everyone's like,

oh, this is gonna be a great show. And they went crazy for Bobby. And then we're like, Shane Gillis. And the place, Standing Ovation had come on stage and he sat there for probably real time, probably three and a half minutes of them applauding and was like, you guys are making me uncomfortable. And then he destroyed.

That's another difference between like, when I watch guys like him, where they'll like, I always felt the pressure, because the way I started comedy was in the real like, bad comedy world where like, the say way I started comedy was in the real, like, bad comedy world, where, like, you know, they say something funny and all that kind of thing. Where, like, you had to be funny within the first minute or else you didn't deserve the right to be there. So that was always the thing of, like, you always have to constantly tell them that, like, I deserve to be here.

That is no longer true in comedy. They'll give you, like, some time to, you know, like, whatever. They'll let people, like, I've seen it before where I'm like, why is this person starting with, like, a slow-burn whatever, they'll let people like, I've seen it before where I'm like, why is this person starting with like a slow burn joke when they have other jokes? And it's like, cause they can now. Like, where in the past, people would have thrown something or they would have, you know, the lights would flicker, you know, something like that.

So, you know, that's a different thing. Cause back then it was really like, you know, you gotta like, you gotta get them right away. Do you know who I'm gonna see today for the first time in like 25 years? Who? Demetri Martin. I saw him in New York, I hadn't seen him in a long time either.

He's doing the show with me and one of the shows we're doing at the store together. I started the same day he did. He was immediately so much better than all of us. He's a talented guy too. He is such a, today I was on his Instagram just looking at just his jokes. He just posts jokes from old specials.

And they're fucking so good. Yeah, great one-liners. He's so fucking good. He's so, who did you start with? Well I started with a lot of people who, I don't know, I'm trying to think. I was there when like Lou Louis and Nick DePaulo and all those guys, but like Zack, of course,

I saw those guys, but they were all younger than me, so I had already been doing comedy before them. I'm trying to think of like, you know, I guess the people that were of my generation are mostly dead, like the Greg Giraldos and the Mitch Hedbergs, and those are the names that you know. But there's a million million there was a million people coming and going through that that world but you know back then it was

you know a lot of these guys were trying to get a sitcom and a lot of them were trying to get writing jobs and it really depended on what you look like if you were ugly you're a writer you're a good-looking you were an actor yeah but now it's kind of flipped a little bit where it's's like, you know, ugly's in, or whatever, inclusive, you know, everybody's a part of the party. But I always was like, stand up is what I want to do. And you know, the few times, like, I never got to see Sam Kinnison live,

but he was the guy, like, you know, dude, look at this guy, man, this guy's fucking amazing. You know? And then like, you know, Bill Hicks, who I did get to meet once or twice, I was like, I'll never be as good as this guy. So like, there's not even, like, you know, Bill Hicks, who I did get to meet once or twice, I was like, I'll never be as good as this guy. So like, there's not even like, you know, there's no debate about that.

But those were the people that like, yeah, I wanna be those guys. And then Letterman, that was like the thing that like, whoa, I was on Letterman and now I'm booking shows across the country. That has no effect now, those late night things, it's all self-produced clips and all that kind of thing. Which is probably better in a way, I guess, you know?

Cause the stuff they would make you do to do those shows, like, you know, Nick Griffin's, you know, the, of course he's had a million of these, these, these, uh, you know, tonight shows and all those late night talks and how difficult it is and how much work it takes to put them together. Whereas at Tik Tok, you could just go like, you know what, I'm going to stick a firecracker in my, you know, and this is going to happen. And so it's like, there was a lot of work to that, to really build that kind of road business.

But now I would say that the people that I started with, a lot of them already moved on to producing and all that kind of stuff and things like that. It's very few people that can, we're all like Don Rickles, people go to me like, you're like Don Rickles, we're gonna tour forever. You know, and I'm like, yeah, I hope I can.

You know, like, it's not a given that we're all gonna be able to do this, you know, for ever, you know. Just one more time. You know, with the boom and everything like that, you know, it's great, like, I see like, it never ending, but I'm just hoping for all of us, you know, physically, mentally, you know.

Yeah, I wanna do this as long as I can. I'm taking my shirt off until I'm 70. Well, you guys are there already. You're drinking that broth, aren't ya? Yeah, yeah, the broth is working. Shout out to Fire and Kettle. Pour some out for Betty White or somebody. Somebody.

What do you guys think, since you're kind of in the world of big, big room touring of Taylor. I mean, like, it's pretty amazing, her business. Totally amazing. She is, she's somebody that really should be studied by business schools. I think she's like she's a year from being old enough to be president.

She should throw her hat in on that or whatever. Unbelievable, and she owns like, she's now like, she re-recorded the stuff that she didn't own because she signed a bad deal early on. What are you talking about, Taylor Swift or Taylor Tomlinson? Both. Both.

But Swift, so she owns all her music now and she puts together these tours and they add stadiums the way we add shows. Stadiums are added and turns them down. There was a show, I was in Asia and they were telling me, the promoter was like, yeah, Taylor Swift came here and we offered something like 50 million

to add two things in one of the markets and she was like, I'm good. Wow. Yeah. What's the, cause she's doing Europe and Asia now, so like how does that, like, you know, honestly, like does the tour ever end or does it keep going? Like I don't know.

I don't know. I mean, for her, she's, she can do, I mean, you know, she also, she has so much leverage. She did that document, she had her movie come out. I think she got 57% from Dollar One. Right, because it went right to theater or? Yeah, it was in theaters. But to have that much, be like,

I get 57% from Dollar One of this release. Wow. The most impressive thing about her, this is like my stupid brain, is her dad realized when he started touring her that it was hard to rent buses. So he just bought like 15 buses and was like, I'll just start a bus company.

Oh cool. And now if you want to rent a bus, you're renting it from Taylor Swift. Wow man, that's an empire. It's kind of, I love those little things, those little cheap codes of life you hear about. And you're like, oh I wish I had thought of that. I wish I'd bought my bus way before I did.

Well maybe there's something to the other way of it, which is the retirement tour. Well since you're going to play Billy Joel eventually in a biopic, let me ask you this. He keeps announcing this final MSG thing, like this is it people, I'm never doing it again. And then he's on tour with Rod Stewart, like I don't get it.

And his fucking like 300 MSG shows in a row. He probably has his own like house, like something, he has stuff there. It's crazy because I said, I said casually, I said something, I was like, yeah, I'm taking a break after this special. I'm gonna take like seven or nine months off. And the second, what?

Why not eight? Why not just seven or nine? Okay, all right. So a European tour. Okay. And so, by the way, I've already scheduled my European tour. Yeah?

Yeah, yeah. How does that work? Who do you guys open up for that? Whoever's. Locals? No, no, no, no. I usually take whoever's just parties. Because Europe's kind of a fucking grind for me.

Tom does it different. He takes breaks in between in Sightsees and East Croissants. I just go day, day, day, day, day, and I'll do like 21 days straight. Ouch. And just do like probably 18 shows. Wow, dude. Yeah, but I've already scheduled it.

I already know when I'm starting that tour. And then I think I go from there to Australia and then go to Asia. This is after the break? That's how I think I'm starting my break. Wow dude. I'm coming out of my break that way. Coming out of the break.

Yeah, so March I'll be in, I should just say. Yeah, do it when? How long will you be in Australia? Will you do like a month there? No, no, no, I'll do two weeks in Australia. You can clean up two weeks pretty quick. Do New Zealand, Australia, and, I'll do two weeks in Australia You can clean up two weeks pretty quick do New Zealand Australia and then come back hit Asia And then I really want to do like I want to do India like I've wanted to do India. Yeah, I

Just I just thought like I I just a theater in market. Yeah, just be careful of those Macau monkey troops Everyone that's been to India tells me not to go. That's cool. Yeah, but who are the, like, you could already tell that you would have ticket sales there, right? I don't need that many, I just need to feel like, I think they probably have a medium sized store. If like one out of every 10 people like you,

it's like 100 million people. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I got a few good Bollywood promos. It's so, but like. I can't wait to see you just sweating. It's so hot there, that's what I've heard. That's just like beyond hot. Pouring sweat with mud all over your shoes.

Are you gonna do a long European tour? Yeah. How long? Probably another, like just a month. Now do you guys make money doing Europe or is it just for the fun of it? You don't make crazy money. You do in the, you can do real money in the UK now.

Yeah, okay. In that strip, but when you start going into like, you know, over. Lithuania. Yeah, Lithuania. Even Western Europe, excluding the English speaking markets. Not even the Bosnia Funnybone? They're pretty good. Yeah, but you can get a door deal there.

You'd be shocked how fun Germany is. Well, they like if you played by the bases they they are all English. It's a lot like Greece was fun. I didn't think Greece would be fun. Greece was wild fun. Yeah. And I had an ass hair joke that murdered. Well when I used to do the USO tour and they would always the big base in Germany, which is like where they you know, it's the biggest hub. They would they would play you there and it was like, really like everybody would come because like, you know, there's nothing really much

to do from America and it was always disappointing. They were always like, I'm not famous enough or anything like that. They'd rather see like a, you know, UFC guy come down and like just take a picture, you know, like that. But like, it was just so funny how like, the kids growing up on that base, you know, they're like, so this is an American comedy?

I'm not that impressed. You know, like that kind of thing. You know, why can't like Jay-Z or somebody come in? You know? Yeah, yeah. No, so, but yeah, it's, I'm wondering what I'm gonna do. I don't know how I'm gonna take a break. Cause I can't, I've straight toured.

Yeah, like you never. For 20 years. 20 years I've been on the road, at least twice a month. Would a call from Willie Nelson help? Would Dylan be able to get you to take a... I would love to, I would love, there's people I'd love to go. But you're gonna break though.

Well, technically, we'll see. We'll see. You might go a little crazy not being on the road. I think I might go crazy, I can't imagine. I'll probably end up just in my tour bus pretending I'm in tour. You know what you should do is tour with other people like outside of like Salomon Rushdie, he's back out there.

Danger tour. I would love to team up with, I tried to come up with a horrible marketing idea. I tried to get the snack combos to do a comedy tour where you put on two opposing acts. Yeah, that's great. Yeah, and while they're Christian, so. opposing acts. Yeah. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and well, they're Christian, so.

We should wrap, though. Yeah, we should wrap. Dave's new special, New Phone, Who Dis, is coming out to Netflix. New Phone, Who Dis. March, what is it? March 26, Hot Cross Buns. Hot Cross Buns, March 26, you have to watch.

You have to watch this. This is a must watch. And as the old vampire in the room, I gotta say one thing. Love hanging with you guys. And am always impressed and thrilled that you let me be a part of your world. And you deserve everything.

And for the listeners out there, these guys, honestly, you know, this is what comedy should be. And if you're looking for examples of what to do, both on and off the stages, these guys, they treat everyone great. And thank you again. Thank you, what to do, both on and off the stage, these guys, they treat everyone great. And thank you again. Thank you.

We're your biggest fan. Thanks so much. Bye, guys. Did I read that right? Yeah, you did. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top and smile, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.