2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - 2 Bears, 1 Happy Ending w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: August 11, 2025

SPONSORS: - Upgrade your wardrobe and save on @trueclassic at https://trueclassic.com/BEARS! #trueclassicpod - For simple, online access to personalized and affordable care for Hair Loss, ED, Weight Loss, and more, visit https://Hims.com/BEARS The Summer Bears are back and Chris Distefano and Stavros Halkias are fully locked into their takeover of 2 Bears 1 Cave. With Stav in a floral shirt and Chris squeezed into a Darryl Strawberry jersey, the two dive headfirst into tales of the wild ‘86 Mets, Kevin Spacey offering unsolicited shoulder rubs, and the horrifying science of ALS—because what’s funnier than degenerative nerve disease? Stavvy also gets a massage from Chrissy, we learn about Lenny Dykstra's podcast rates, and the guys debate polyamory, prostitutes, and just how many years Bert Kreischer has left. Speaking of Bert, he sends the guys a morbid video asking them to predict which comedian friends are not long for this world. Plus, Stav makes a strong case for becoming a Japanese-style husband, Chris recounts a near-affair that lasted 12 seconds on the LIRR, and together they fantasize about future threesomes with suspiciously supportive fans. Is it a good episode? No. Is it packed with fake current events, conspiracy theories, open marriages, and physical touch? You bet your bottom dollar it is. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 301 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:01:42 - Baseball Greats, Kevin Spacey, & ALS 00:10:31 - Reading Fan Comments 00:27:20 - Swingers, Cucks, & Flirty Fans 00:36:33 - Montreal Screwjobs & Polyamory Shenanigans 00:44:58 - Trisha Paytas Baby Theory 00:51:34 - Comedian Death Pool 01:00:49 - Chrissy Massages Stavvy 01:07:23 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100%. What's up, everybody? Welcome to yet another summer. Two bears, one cave episode. I'm Chrissy. That's Stavi. We're here. We're chilling.

I'm wearing a Daryl Strawberry jersey. I'm wearing a Daryl Strawberry jersey. Stavros has got that flower shirt on so you know one thing and one thing only. We're both doing cocaine. Yeah. We're dressed like the boys of summer in two ways. right now. Yes. Absolutely. No, you are looking good. I do love Daryl Strawberry. I also, I was hoping this wouldn't be as tight. You know when you put on a shirt and you only put it

on standing? Right. And then you realize, oh, I'm going to be sitting in this for an hour. Yeah, but dude, but I've told you this before. You, you pull off. Just a little of this. The weight, but I know it might not feel good for you, but it looks good on you. Thank you. That's all it matters. It's more about, you know, I, you know, I'm just, I need to, I'm going to Lock in. Listen, episode five, folks, you're going to see me. You're going to be like, who the hell is this guy? Yeah. Who the hell is this guy who has lost three pounds? Yeah, dude. I think, I think that you look good in it. And I feel like we're now, this is the fourth episode. We're now settling in. We have taken over the show for the first

whole month of summer. Wow. And I feel like, I feel like this is becoming. our thing. And I feel like we're stepping into the stride here. You know, Tom and Bert are sending in videos that we're now ignoring. We used to comment,

we used to put them all in the show, but now they're sending them in and we're just ignoring them. We're like, sorry, we got to, we have very important topics to discuss. Yeah. We got to talk about

the ways Chris nuts. Yeah. You know, I'd love to get more about Daryl's, I mean, you want to talk about a legendary team. That Mets team doing cocaine, getting their dick sucked in the dugout.

Oh, it's amazing. Cool team. I'm sure you've seen that talk about that flight they took after they beat Houston. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, Lenny Dykstra nails just having, dude, they were, they, the 86 Mets once, I was at a game when they like came back to be like honored and like the whole team was there.

And like we were in the stands and we can kind of like see where they had them sitting. And I mean, Dykstra was falling over. Like he still was, I mean, just 10 out of 10 drunk. Now he'll do people's podcast, but you got to pay him. Interesting. Ian Fine Dance. He did Ian Fine Dance podcast. And then he was done with, like, being Ian, and he was like, where's my hundred and twenty bucks?

Yeah, wow. And then Ian was like, what? And he said to, like, pay him, like, out of his pocket, I think. Oh, I'm sorry, man. I don't have it right now. Yeah. He was just sitting there in a mumo. Yeah.

Wow. Two minds. Ian Fidance v. Dykstra. Yeah. It's the, like, it's the Frost Nixon of our day. Dude, because Lenny Dykstra was certainly the hero of the Delaware water gap. So I'm sure that Ian must have really looked up. up to him. Absolutely. I met one of your

heroes, Cal Ripkin. Did I ever tell you that? Dude, okay, so this is, so I got asked to open up some, uh, like, political, you know, like, like, this was 2015 maybe. Okay. I got, it was like some, you know, political fundraising thing

in D.C. They, they were like, benefit, whatever. They asked me to do five minutes of comedy. And this was before the whole, uh, scandal went down, Kevin Spacey. It was the Kevin Spacey Foundation. And it was Cal Ripkin and Kevin Spacey. Wow. And, dude, we were in there.

Two at the time, straight men. Yep. You know, Spacey didn't do. Brilliant move being like, I'm actually gay. Right. I mean, you got to respect him trying to be like, hey, you're an abuser. You're like, but I'm gay. Come on, maybe.

Trying to throw it's like, just like, you actually can't play that reverse card that's not powerful enough. Yeah. And so, but I will tell you. I do think even back then He did because I remember Jasmine came with me. You tried to suck your dick? Well, yeah, he did not try. He succeeded.

You're like, can I be in House of Cards Season 7? Yeah, the show's been off the air three years. He's like, yes. Yes. Do what I say, Chris. Yeah, Frank. And so he... Ma, ma, that's a nice mouth you got there, Mr. DeStefano.

He... So, but Jasmine even said when we were in the green room with him, she was like, he's a little weird. And I was like, I thought it was a nice guy. She's like, yeah, but he keeps putting his hands on your shoulders and massage. You know, it's like, he told me he's calming me down. I got a big show.

And then I remember, but I actually liked him. For the one day I met him, I was like, this guy's actually pretty cool. He did tell me, though. This is how fucking pathetic you are? Yeah, he did. Post cancellation, you're like, not a bad guy. You might have some juice in the industry. Yeah, yeah.

I could see. The comeback's coming. House of Card season two. So he, but he said to me, you know, he was. like, oh, I'll find you after the show, and I'll find you after the show, and, like, you know, we can, like, hang out, whatever. That must have been flattering because he, like, twinks. Yeah.

And you've struggled with your body image issues for years. So a guy who likes to fuck svelte teenagers wanting to fuck you. That must have felt good. Yeah, it felt good. I was having one of my skinny months. Yeah, okay. That makes sense. And so, but Cal Ripkin, dude, first of all, he's got the bluest eyes, like, baby blue where it's, like,

actually, like, it's stunning where you're like, what is he? what with your eyes dude like are you like from Iceland or something yeah yeah yeah and so but he tells me he goes he's like dude I I don't know how you can do stand-up comedy I'd be so nervous I was like you broke Lou Gehrig's record yeah he goes yeah but baseball he's like I'm playing a sport he's like it's not all on me it's like a team game he was like I just got to do my little and I was like no no Cal what you you've broke Lou Gehrig's bless you you broke Lou Gehrig's like record. I'm going up there doing five of the hackiest minutes

because they told me I have to be clean and I can't make fun of Puerto Ricans and I can't do my barrel of tricks. So I'm just going to go up there like a hack fest to open up the show and then bring up Kevin Space who was going to try to peg me. And you what you've done is like

amazing and he literally couldn't get over like how and then he watched me and he was like I can't believe you could even do it. And he watched you and he's like never mind. He's like yeah you know what? You're right. I see it. I broke Lou Gehrig's record. He's like, you look like you're just doing comedy with ALS.

They should, yeah, they're going to name a fucking brain disease after you. They're going to name a type of Down syndrome, DiStefano's disease. Yeah, what is it, Garrick, Lugarich's disease. ALS, amyotropic lateral sclerosis. What a sick disease that is. It's like, so ALS, that you have like upper motor neurons and lower motor neurons. So it's basically like ALS. Well, PhD, Chris, coming through.

Dude, it's one of these things because it's like terrifying when they teach you like the physiology of it all where you're like, oh my God, because polio is a lower motor neurone disease. That's why, like, just messes really with your legs. Interesting. But like, and, you know, we got a cure for that. And listen, FDR showed us you can still be in a wheelchair getting your dick sucked on the sneak. 100%, dude. You know what I mean?

Polio, not so bad. You can still set up a nuke for deployment, you know. You'll die. Let Harry Truman launch it. Your lesbian cousin wife is in the White House. you're getting your dick sucked in the hot springs. 100%. It ain't so bad.

It ain't so bad. FDR proved it. Americans are the best. So, but the ALS is terrifying because it's an upper motor neuron and lower motor neuron disease. So it means like the upper part of your, you know, upper body and lower body. But it's like what happens is, is like there's a thing around your nerves called the myelin sheath.

And it's basically like if your nerves are like a highway, the myelin sheath is like the car that's like driving on the highway. And then with ALS, the mile and sheath, the car starts to deteriorate. So, like, your nerves are like, the pathway is working, but you can't, like, tell your arm to move, even though, because, like, the car, you don't have a car. Or you can tell it to move, but it's like you're walking. So it's like, move, and then your arm will go like that. Damn.

Right? And then, but the thing that's terrifying about it, and so, you know, no cure. Nobody knows how it happens, how you even get it. Jesus Christ. They think now it's a little bit linked to, like, head trauma, at least some parts. because an alarming amount of, like, boxers and NFL athletes start to get ALS because of, like, concussions and all that stuff, they think, but I don't know if it's been, like, proven yet, but, like, you know what's happening to you. Like, your brain doesn't, isn't affected. So it's like, your lungs and arms and, like, like, you know, like Stephen Hawkin is a perfect example. Like, he was still a brilliant sign who's on Epstein's Island getting blown, creating, like, new Pythagorean theorems. She didn't on his wife in a weird, can't even move. But his bot, so he's like, what do you think he had, like, could his, Goosey fingering clits like it was the wheelchair thing? Yeah.

You think you would just be like, bring your pussy right here. Like Professor X. So, so, but it, that's what's true. That rift was about him cheating with an overage woman. Let me be clear. Yes. We're not riffing about the stuff. We are not riffing about that.

We do not think that's right. Epstein did not kill himself. Release the files, President Trump. Yes, release the files. Ridgewood is up in arms. You're threatening to lose your most racist idiot base. Yeah. Throw the... That's how you know.

That's how you know it's bad. We voted to see the Epstein files. Yeah. I'm a one-issue voter. Yeah. And I want to know how much pussy from children Bill Gates got. I mean, it's even getting... And if you don't tell me that, President Trump, we are true.

The president of Greenland has said, Trump, we'll give you the country if you just release the Epstein files. Remember when you wanted us? You can have all our land. Just release it. Just tweet it. Yeah. So anyway, let's finish up our ALS discussion.

So it's, it's just a scary disease when you learn about, like when I was going through physical therapy school, it's like, you were saying your mind knows what's going on. Yes, it's like, and when you learn about, and that's also what blows your mind too is like when I was start doing like these clinical rounds, like when I was in school, like you'll be at like I was doing one at like NYU, like the, you know, like the neurological floor and you're like treating a kid that's like you're. rage that just like had some wild disease happen and you're like, oh my God.

So I don't know why we need to get into that on a comedy podcast, but sometimes I like to just throw a wrench in it. What we like to do is just kind of cool off. This shows that a little momentum. Yeah. We don't want, let's be clear, we don't want this to be successful. No. This is a bullshit part-time summer job.

Remember when you were 14 and you would work at a fucking lemonade stand, an ice cream stand or some shit for a little spending money? That's what we're doing here. Yeah. So we've decided. bad episode today. This is Uncle Louis G's Italian Isis. Yeah, yeah.

We're going to do depressing ALS talk. We're going to, you know, we'll read comments. Yeah. We're going to play a video from Bert, which you guys seem to hate. Yes. It seems like Bert fucked all your moms or something. I don't even I don't know what's going on. It's his podcast, but you all hate him.

I don't know. So we're going to play a video from him. We're trying to stop any momentum that are. So let's be clear. This is like what your mom is dating a guy, and he gets you a ninja, he gets you a Power Rangers action figure, so that you'll play with it so he can fuck your mother. Right. And you think he loves you. No.

Yeah. He just wants the time to go by fast. Yeah. So don't start getting feelings for us. We're not sticking around. Here's how committed we are to making sure this episode is awful. We want you to stick around to the end because the last five minutes, I'm going to massage Stavi. Yeah, that's our big teaser.

I'm going to pop my top. I'm going to take my shirt off I did sign a contract where the fact I does have to show his nipples at least once on this podcast basically they were looking for a guy with an annoying laugh who was willing to take a shirt off

that's how I got the job and so the contraction we're going to we are going to fulfill that so that's our big only fans tease wait till the last five minutes Chris is going to prove he's a physical therapist I have a crick in my neck he's going to see if he can get rid of it

I'm going to see by the way that counts as the hour so we are like I said A bad episode phoning this one here. We might even do some current event stuff about things that happened when you're listening four weeks ago. We haven't decided yet. We're going to see how it feels. We have places to be.

I have an exterminator to see. Chris probably has to go to court again. I have to go to court again. I have movers coming. And that's why we want to talk about the shocking death of Hulk Hogan and Ozzy Osborne. Who could have seen those two going? Two of the healthiest men with the show. sharpest minds left. Dude, this shirt is a true classic. I'm telling you. You look great. Dude,

it literally frames your body. Like, people have been saying, it's hiding that guy. You look jacked and you are not in good shape. Right, exactly. That is a beautiful t-shirt. So people have been saying to me, like, all weekend, I had some show, I was in Winnipeg. Shut out, Winnipeg. And people are like, like, five-year people like, dude, you're Jack. Like, you're more jacked than person. I was true classic t-shirt. That's all true classic. You don't even have to work out. Just throwing true classics. This shirt. It just fits tight on the arms. What it does is it fits like it frames this up top, like guys that are broader shoulders.

But then it gets loose at the bottom. It's a little tent. I also, when I'm not wearing gas station T-shirts like I am currently. You're not dressed like you're going to a fish concert. I do. I actually also am a true classic guy. And even speaking, now, these are the two things you can do for you. We are the two types of bodies that watch two bears.

Yes. Secretly fat. Yep. But to the eye maybe could be jacked. and incredibly obese. And for both of us, it knocks you into one level hotter than you are. You look jacked, and when I wear a true classic, I get to like, have you lost weight? Haven't.

Right. But you always get that look. It tense your fat little belly. The fabrics are nice. I really enjoy true classics. They are a go-to for me. They're my new, like, basic key. Then I'll be completely up front.

They first, you know, they were advertising a lot on podcasts. I'm sure you've heard a lot of ads for true classics. so I got them sent to me and then I love the way they fit that I literally have like maybe 30 True Classic T-shirts I bought them all I mean I forgot to even use

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Look, I myself have experienced some of it. Now, I'll be honest with you, you don't got what it takes to rock balding hair, most of you out there. No. Okay. No, do it. This is, this takes a psychic toll. People look at me. If they don't know I'm a comedian, this is, I get the widest range.

If you know me, people treat me with like respect, you know, if they're a fan, and what woman might even have sleep with me. 100%. But when people have no idea who I am, I'm treated like the scum of the earth. They spit in my face. I've had waitresses. When I was toothless and bald, I had waitresses laughing at me. Right. You know, when I would, it was so, well, the point is, you don't want this life.

No. It takes too much. It takes a toll. Only certain people can pull off looking like a founding father. That's right. And you can't do it. And that's what we have today is our pals and hymns are going to save you from this, this wretched existence that I live every day. I have to do it.

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Yeah, so we're coming to you live from mid-August when, yeah, Hulk Hogan passed away, you know, July 4th. And we thought now is the good time to talk about Shane hosted the espies. and uh yeah yeah um so all right we'll do like we said we're we do as much as we are going to have a bad episode we do want to our dear producer Benson Spoon has put together some comments so you know we're gonna just check in sure we're gonna again we're coasting to the finish line that's it we're over halfway 100% two more episodes after this so we want to see you know what some suggestions yeah what can we do we're like the team that's already made the

playoffs and we're just resting our best players. We're just resting our best shows. We haven't made the playoffs. We're tanking to get a number one pick. We're sitting our guys. We're outsourcing, talking to internet commenters. That's a good point. We're putting ourselves on the bench and we're going to read what you have to say.

In effort to get YMH out of the mud, we're tanking the show on, we're tanking the show on purpose so YMH can draft Shane and Matt McCusker to save this thing. No, you get rights to Shane's firstborn child. Yeah, that's what it is. Oh, I would love, like, actually, you get rights to match daughters. Oh, some black, black, half-white. Yeah. Girl podcast. If he puts those, the way like, you know, guys put their kids, football players put their kids in sports,

Matt better put his daughters into conspiracy podcasting. I love it. Because he, that will be, if you can merge, call her daddy and, you know, fucking Matt and Shane. and, you know, and tru anon and all this stuff. Perfect. Now we're thinking. All right. Okay.

Here what we have from. This is from Nivek 1590. Go ahead. Stav, you apologize for interrupting. You have already improved two bears. Hello off. Okay, here you go. Very good.

Bar is low. I guess because Byrd interrupts a lot. Is that what they say? I guess so. All right. All right. Good. See, this isn't good.

Next one. Yeah. These are too positive now. Come on, Spoon. Come on your guitar rips. Oh, here we go. Be more racist. Oh, be more racist.

That's for me. You have. You're letting down your base. Sorry about that. Yeah, because there was a couple of times earlier in the show where Stav was like, oh, we're not going to get into making fun of the Chinese. I was like, I thought that's why I was here. I thought that's why I lost my gig on Netflix.

Yeah, yeah, that is why. I know, I remember. Great story. Thank you. Binfong into the duck sauce. All right, we'll, okay, death by Jay Gypsy. We will try. We will try.

Mike Jenkins, 8333. They are doing so well, it should be renamed 1. One Greek, one gay for the rest of the summer or however long hiatus is, filming two blockbuster movies, I cannot wait. YMH for Laid. All right. So that was like one of those ones

where it's like good, bad, good bad. So I think this is actual a genuine fan. Filming two blockbuster movies, I cannot. I was expecting people to be calling me fat. No. You're saying shut up stuff. No. I don't think, I don't think.

Chris, you're straight. Right, right. Two bears, two bears fans. But see, the thing is with this, I don't know if filming two blockbuster movies, I cannot wait. I don't know if they're being sarcastic or that's genuine. Do they think we're going to do movies?

Yeah, because I'm not. I got very close to be playing and Hathaway's love interest in the devil wears Prada too. Get the fuck out of here. I swear to God, dude. And then it was just revealed that I can't act.

Yeah. Wow. Dude, literally like so close. My agent was telling me, like my agent was like, you're close. And then and then it was... Do you know who got the part? I don't.

That's going to devastate you would find out. I know. It's going to be like Killian Murphy. Oh, I'm like. Damn, but they said they go, they go, you know, if, not that I'm a horrific actor, but they were like to be the love interest, like we were, you think. You need a little more range. But the part was for a, like, hey, Chris, you keep pulling your eyes back and making,

we wouldn't even say the noises, but they end with I-N-G and O-N-G. We don't like that. Well, the problem is with that is like, you know, we just wanted you to like, you know, if you could have, like, acted in the role a little bit better. I'm like, the role, literally her love interest is a construction worker from Queens. So I'm like, I was just being me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was one of those ones where, like, the eight, my agent, like, let me down.

It was like, they said you were great, whereas probably like, immediately they were like, no. You didn't get close. In fact, there was no audition. Your agent gave you a fake self-tape to boost your confidence. Well, here's why, here's why I don't believe my agent. Here's why I'm in full agreement with you and I don't think I got close. Because after I, you know, it was on Zoom, obviously, the nobody does. in person anymore and they and they and they uh the after the first take she goes that was great i have

no notes so and then she was like let's just do one more just for just for fun let's do one more and then i did the second one she was like chris great and then it was the audition was over in like 90 seconds or like two minutes and it was one of those things feels bad where i said i said to jazz because i was still being very positive and that's why i love jasmine because she's very much just like tells me the truth whether it hurts or not i go i just did two like they said they had no notes and she was and she literally put her hand on my shoulder she was like I really I have faith that it's really good news she's like but honey I want you to be prepared that that could be really bad because they may have just noticed immediately that you're not right for the

part and then I kind of like immediately like I initially got like angry with her and then she just kept her hand on my shoulder she's like honey I love you we're all proud of you no matter what but I don't want you to sit here and mope around if you don't get it I want you to set a realistic expectation to you and then she gave me a kiss on my forehead head and then went back to cleaning the house. Wow. And she couldn't have been more right. That's a good woman who's correct.

She was correct because she was like, you know. No notes. No, no. No disrespect. There's probably a couple notes. I literally was asking ChatGPT. I was like, what does that mean? And then ChatGPT's response, it went, that's a tough one.

Yeah. Because it didn't know and it was an immediate no. Yeah, Chad Sheept is like, don't worry. You will not have to cancel any road dates. That's like when I didn't get the, that's like when I auditioned for Bradley Cooper's movie that he's doing about comedy. I just with that, too, also didn't get it? Well, yeah, my agent calls me.

It says, Bradley saw it, said, you're just too well known for the part. I was like, that's a lie. Yeah. That's a 100% lie. So, again, not a good enough actor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all right, man.

But it actually comforts me that you didn't get it. Yeah, there you go. But the difference is you actually get roles, you're in great in tires, you're in movies. Thank you. I've gotten nothing. You've never acted in anything? I've gotten one thing called Benders in IFC with me and Andrew Schulton.

It was in 2015. It lasted half a season and got canceled. Okay. And then the only other role I've played was in like a mom administration. Yeah. A made for TV movie where the title of my character was Staten Island Dushback where I throw the guy who played the Hobbit, Martin Freeman. Yes. I throw him off the BQE.

Okay. That's fun. They had to keep asking me to do. We were there. What was supposed to take an hour took close to six hours because they asked me to improv some lines as I'm throwing them off. and one of the lines I improv I threw off I was like

you fucking Hobbit and they were like you can't call him the character from his old movie where in a different universe where he's not

the guy that's not it's nothing to do with the Hobbit and I can't call him a Hobbit yeah I threw out

and one of them I was like go back to Narnia you fucked like role movie right right right right right right right

at least technically it's not the movie he was in but it's still kind of making a reference to it yeah you can't do it so

so but that Yeah, so that, I don't know why I brought that up, but all blockbuster movies. Yeah, there you go. Too bad. We will not be doing any of those. I'm not in Devil Wears Prada, too. Right. Yeah.

I hope it goes to Bowen Yang. Just like, well, I'm just like a gay Chinese guy. Yeah. All right. This is from Megan Ferguson, 4122. She said, great substitute teachers. Why not try to come up with a different theme song for Tom and Burke by the end of the summer or one starring YouTube? Oh, we did, right?

John, you got a thing. theme song? We got a theme song. Let's listen to it. Let's see what we got here. This is from, you know, it's better not sound like beautiful things by Benson Boone. Chris and Stov view,

Stove and Chris, neither grows a beard, and they both wear shirts. Stalve is a Greek, and Chris is a gay, everyone knows the show is better this way. Here's what we call. Two bears one came

It was fun I like the banjo It's making me think like we're just You know The opening of the show Should be that song And then you just plowing me Like we're in deliverance

I know they did highlight my lack of a beard here Okay You got something going I can't I have medically rosy cheeks I don't know what happened I well you can is that Do you shave your legs? I don't shave my legs

See, look, we're similar that way. I don't have... Oh, look at my compression socks. I don't have any hair in my legs either. Wow. So that's interesting fact about us. People accuse me of, not of, like, shaving, but I don't know what happened. I don't have any hair in my legs or arms.

I'm not very her suit. No. I'm for a Greek. I mean, my brother, one of my brothers is like... Jacked, right? Well, he's, yeah, he's strong as fuck. But he's hairless. And the other one, my boy is carpeted up.

Yeah. My dad, too, thick layer. So you got in between. You got kind of the best. of both worlds. I got a little in between. You don't want to be a Sphinx cat, but you also want to look like you have a hair condition.

I would like a little more hair, to be honest. I think you got good hair. You know what you frame nice? The chain and the hair is nice. You got a good length chain because any longer would look weird, but you got a good length. Thank you, brother. I appreciate that.

Looks like a Baltimore special. Yeah. Yeah. This is the one. I do like a little, uh, fuck my diet cook. You're all right? I'm going to you to burp me. I can do it.

Oh, fuck. God damn it, dude, I suck that Coke down too fast. Oh, there you go. Nice. Came out. That felt good, dude. Love it. I would like to get burped by a large woman.

Yeah. And I don't have a, I don't have like a baby fetish, but the idea of like a large woman burping you and then like maybe even washing you sounds pretty nice to me. Yeah, I like that. You know? I like, I thought, I mean, I don't have any like weird fetishes, like. Foot fetishes or anything like, I mean, other than obviously on last episode, I said I would predominantly like to have sex in my mother's room. Right, right, right. But I, other than that, other than that, I don't even like when I'm watching porn, I don't even like when the woman's in like lace bras and stuff.

Like, I just want you butt naked. I kind of agree with that. Right? Like, I don't like when you're in an outfit, in other words. I like if you're dressed, I like, I think traditional lingerie is a very, it has to be in a very specific mood. It almost feels old fashion. Yes. But I like, I would like some athletic, some athlete, you know what I mean?

Like I'll watch a, I'll watch porno set in a gym, for example. Yeah. It is, we're trying to be healthier. The hardest thing is being a good citizen and not like getting hard when someone's got a highlighter pink sports brawn and big ass titty's bobbling. Yeah. I was, I was in LA and there was literally like an Asian with, an Asian lady with like humongous breasts. like a goth Latina that was tatted up with a fat ass and they were literally, I was doing like

the lat pull down and they were on either side. There was like, you know, tables. Yeah, yeah. And so I just have to be like, don't look at her tits and look at her ass and look at her teeth and look at her and you're a good guy. You're not a predator. You're not a fight. You're not getting horny at the gym. But it was the hardest thing. And then, you know, you walk home and you're like, would have been awesome if those girls could have sucked me off at the same time. Yeah. And I'm a human being. I'm flesh and blood. You're right. Sue me for having those thoughts. I didn't bother them. That's the thing. I just thought would have been cool to get double

sucked by them. But that's the thought, because the thought, those thoughts used to paralyze me where I'd be like, shit, I'm only going to be alive once. I got to go talk to that girl. I got to say something to her. I got to try to invite her to a show, like whatever. But now I just say to myself, oh, me wanted to have sex with the both

of them. That's for me, not for them. They don't need to know about that. Sure. I know about that. That's a little treat for me. I know about that. And I'm going to have sex with my lufa in the shower. And I'm going to think about them and there's nothing they could do about that because I've mental snapshot image them you've you've decided ma'am to walk out in public right so now I can take snapshots of you in my brain to work out like a whore yes and now I deserve to jack off to you in the prep you want to have tattoos have a fat ass

and be latina those are three big check marks for me so now you're in my brain forever and there's nothing you do about it and you'll pop out periodically and I'm sorry yeah and that's just the social contract you make with the world when you step outside. That's a good point. Some might be jacking off to us. That's fine. It's men. It's all men, for sure, but I appreciate that.

Well, I'll tell you what, though, dude, because we think it's only men listening to podcasts. And I think that's still majority true. I got stopped. I was on the Long Island Railroad today. L-I-R, baby. Shout out to L-I-R. One of the, stop, I'm telling you, like, when, like, one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen in my life. Like, like, I'm talking about.

from movie actresses to all the show like I'm talking about gorgeous she was like I think Latina like tan but she had like that like 1950s like hair like flip she had like a couple of tattoos here and there I mean she was like wearing like nothing like like she was going to work so she had like on like these like pants that were kind of loose but you could just see her ass was like perfect like a like a cutoff like shirt but like it was like nice like and like appropriate for work like a summer work. And I mean absolutely stunning. We're like everybody on the train was like kind of looking at her. And then to where we're getting off here, getting off at my stop. And she gets off. And she goes, are you Chris? And I literally like, you know, now you're just like, oh my God, like holds it together. Like I literally was like you have a family of a family fit.

Like you're just playing like all that like all this scenario. You're playing winning. It's funny happening. You're funny happening. Don't do it. I almost like close my eyes. I'm like, yes, I am. Chris, I'm Chris.

I'm Chris. Yeah, you become rain man. I'm Chris. Yes, I'm Chris. Yes, I'm Chris. Breathe. I'm going to help you. How can I help you?

How can I help you? Yeah. I'm like, before I answer that, I just need to do five box breaths. Hold on. Hold in for four. And release. And I go, yes, I am.

She goes, I'm loving you and Stavi on two bears one cave. Wow. And I said, you listen to that. And she goes, it's great. She was like, I love it. And then she said to me, she goes, me and my husband listen to it.

And so I said, oh, okay. I was like, great. But it actually made me. feel relief, right? Because I said, okay, you and your husband was great. Great. And then she goes, you're out of the danger zone. Out of danger zone. But then she's thinking for me, because I was hoping maybe you're a married man. You're a married man now, you don't have to, you know, if she's listening, she's single, how much, how much are you loving it? Yeah. Let's find out. Yeah. Let's go get a suvlaki and a story and figure it out. Yeah. But anyway, continue with

your story. So, yeah, you're like, okay, but can your husband show you the backroads of Baltimore? Yeah. I can. Can he grill up a lamb chop and an octopus for you? Is he going to take you on the water in the inner harbor? I don't think so. I don't think so. Is he bi-coastal, aka New York and Baltimore? He doesn't have a fully refurbished row house, does he? But then she says to me, and this is this is what I wanted to bring up, she says, oh, me and my

husband, listen. I said, oh, great. And then she goes, I've seen you and your wife walking through the neighborhood. She's beautiful. And so that made me think. Your swingers' antennas pop up. Right. And it's like, is that the raw like what is that normal to think that am i crazy because i was like you mentioned you have a husband then you mentioned my wife and you the commenting on okay nothing is weird until even you could argue the your wife's beautiful is not weird but it's the it's the crack of the door being open where it's like does she want to swap with me yeah you know what i mean like is she saying

that because she's so fully secure in her relationship she knows i'm secure in mind or she's saying that because she's like, let me let him know that I know he has a wife and he knows I have a husband. So that, maybe it's like, she's like, if you're that hot, you're probably used to men embarrassing themselves trying to fuck you. That's true. I respect him as a podcaster for some reason. I guess she's a one with bad taste. Yeah. She likes this show, so something's wrong with her.

But either way, she's like, I respect him. He's about to risk. He's about to try and fail to ruin his life by asking me out or why. whatever. So I'm going to let him know I have a husband before he flounders. Maybe that's what she was doing, right? Or the, the, if you really, here's something, here's something you should never act on, but something that will allow you to jack off to. Or she's like, she thinks I'm hot. She thinks my wife's hot. Maybe her husband's a cuck who likes his wife fucking hot couples. And now you get to have a threesome. Right. And this guy, now look, is this guy jacking off in the corner shore?

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. But there's a cost of doing business, Chris. You can't have it all. You want to fuck this lady or you don't want to fuck this lady. That's what you can jack off to. Exactly. Or the worst part of that is like, does she want to have a threesome with her husband? Right.

You don't want that. No, I don't need that. Personally, that seems like something Guido's would do, though. Is that like, that seems like a Ridgewood move is to have two guys threesome. Like with your boys? Well, we've done that before. And then you do what you call the Statue of Liberty where she's, the girl's suck in your dick and your boy's banging from behind. and you give him the high five.

Yeah, I'm not interested at that at all. Yeah, I don't want that. That's sort of my, yeah. Yeah, I don't need to see your HPV dick flapping around. I just don't need to be looking at a man. I don't need to accidentally, you know when you're like just on the train looking at your phone and you look up and you just make eye contact with a guy you don't know at all. Yeah.

And you're gazing into each other's eyes. Yeah. I don't need that happening while I'm inside of a woman. Right. And he's inside of the same woman. I don't want that sensation. Yeah. And, you know, I totally understand, but it is one of those things where like it immediately,

you can't help but like it just I guess just because she was even like looking at me it just makes you so horny and I just wanted to say that publicly for the people who were wondering why they some of the other fans of the show who did notice me why now you know the reason I was masturbating outside the Chipotle at Penn Station why you kept slamming your dick in the fucking in the automatic doors outside of Penn Station hey blue shoe told me to enter dick first so that's what I was doing that's beautiful It is one of those things, but I will say what's been nice. And I would like to say if there are any incredibly beautiful fans of this show, Meshislavi. Me personally, I don't have a family to ruin. I don't have a wife, a woman I'm finally committing to after 10 plus years. Yes. I'm single.

I'm ready to go. You know, I'm the only member of this universe of podcast that does not have a wife. Right. So that's it. You know, let me know. And I'll have you know, and this is a message directly to my family, I'll have you know that even though I was in Montreal for the weekend where massages with hand jobs are fully legal under Canadian law, I did not embark. Is that so?

That's what I was told by a friend. I don't know. Because I was just in Montreal. I would have love to have that information. Yeah, my friend, by the way, by the way, my friend who I was in Montreal with, tells, proceeds to tell me and the guy who comes with me, my tour manager, Steve Chaconi, Reisarone, shout him out. He goes, we're having lunch, right, down in the old port of Montreal, which is gorgeous. Beautiful. And then he goes, um.

Moncho is a great city. Great city. I mean, the women are almost too hard to take because they're all like, they're all like gorgeous, like tan skin, have those cool tattoos and they all have French accents. So you're like, I can't even be. Thank God I was only there for one day. Yeah. So. Wow, the foundation is really cracking on this marriage.

The half hour in, you're like, thank the Lord, I was only in Montreal for one day. Thank God the woman who talked to me for 15 seconds was married. You're acting like you've been in temptation for a year, like, you know, you've faces for years. You've faced theoretical Canadian temptation. Yes. You walked by women for one day. Yeah. And one woman talked to you for 25 seconds.

And that's what you're sweating already. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I just, well, no, I can know now that I'm just, you know, 40, I'm like, I am good. Like, I will not. I want, like, the love. Like, the peace and joy that you wake up with. with when you're like, you can look yourself in your family mirror and be like, I am a good guy.

Yeah. You know, that is like what I'm chasing. Yeah. So, so, but anyway, he proceeds to tell us. He's like, oh, I, you know, I have a wife and a girlfriend, right? And we were like, what? Who's this your tour manager? The guy.

The friend. I don't want to out him, but I'll tell you, you probably know him. But he goes, he goes, you know, I have a wife and a girlfriend. Just look at Chris's Instagram, see who was with him in Montreal. It's probably pretty easy to discern. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, I'm sure he probably lives in Howard Beach area. And so he goes, he goes, I have a wife and a girlfriend. And I was like, interesting.

And he was like, I'm on dating apps now here in Montreal. And I just met a girl last night. Is it okay if I bring her to the show? I'm like, so you want me to bring like one of your mistresses into my green room? Oh, into the green room. Yeah. And he was like, yeah, is that cool? I was like, yeah, I don't care.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then he says to us, and this is like was blew our minds where he goes, listen, dude. He was like, and my wife also is allowed to hook up with other dudes. He's like, because honestly, once you get. get past the barrier if it's like, oh, it's just some guy's dick and your wife's pussy, it's not that big a deal. It's just physical. And I was like, isn't that the only bar, like, that is the barrier. Like, I don't care. But then he said, but would, he goes, the only rules we have is she can't

give blow jobs because that's more intimate. That's nuts. And I was like, that's crazy. That's crazy. You can't open it up. Yeah. My rule legit, this is how much of a cave membrane I have is like, no nutting in my wife. I mean, like, that's for me. Yeah. You can't nutting my wife. You can't do that. And look, would I be pumped about her sucking a guy's dick?

No. Right. But if you're getting, he's getting his dick sucked? I think so. You got to let her suck dick. You got to let her suck dick. If she wants to. If she doesn't want, that's up to her.

Well, yeah, it's one of the... You're telling me this is a, they're polyamorous, essentially. That's what they are. I was looking for the word. I was like, Pollyoio. Wow, that's finally made it to Brooklyn. Yeah. To your part of Brooklyn.

Yeah. It's been in the other part of Brooklyn since 2000. It's been in Janus's part of Brooklyn, but not in my part. It just made it out to Bay Ridge. It's just crossing the Marizano Bridge. It is nice when Republicans get, you know, liberal shit. Although I will say they're swing. There's like polyamorous Republicans have existed in Arizona for years.

Like you go to fucking, you go to like, Phoenix, the suburbs, whatever. It's like leathery. It's like people that vote Republican and just like, have potlucks where they all fuck each other's wives. Yeah. And they have like leathery skin and like pierced nipples and shit like that. Some are listening now. Sure. So that's interesting. So he's

now to me the thing with that is isn't the whole point of being married you don't have to be on dating apps anymore? That's what I was trying. Because it's exhausting. It's like all the fucking like I did hook up with a girl who was on who was who was on is it field or something like that? It's one of those

freaky one. Yeah. It's the one that's pretty fuck forward. Right. But But, you know, I was, I hooked up with a girl who was engaged in an open engagement, I guess. It's weird. And it didn't last, I don't think. And, but it's like, yeah, she's on, she's like on vacation, just swiping Tinder nonstop. And it's like, this sucks. Like, I hate that part of being single.

Dude, I was trying to tell him. I was like that I am also acknowledging that the women here in Montreal are stunningly gorgeous. But because I have like a wife and a family, it's great for me to just look at them. Yeah. And, you know, I'm a man about, I'm allowed to say, hey, that woman's beautiful, but then not have the pressure of being like, do you want to come to my show or do you want to hang out? Like, I'm not doing any of that. Of course. So it's like, I'm going to, I can look at her and then put her in the spank back and she's just for me.

And then you go to a legal massage parlor. That's it. Why didn't even do that? Well, that's what I think that you can. I went to a Tim Horton's and jerked off. You nutted at a fucking, at an A&W burger. Yeah, yeah. They, I will, Japan, culturally.

They don't consider prostitution cheating. And I kind of know what they're talking about. So I should float out. Hey, do you want to have a Japanese marriage? You're like, baby, I got you a Zajirushi rice cooker and a Toshiba. Yeah. To have a dinner on the floor. And this also comes with certain other things.

Yeah. Bring in the Toro. Yeah. Bring in the Toro sushi. Yeah. Anyway, I'm going to, I just book three. Is that a fact? I've seen, I've seen like, man on the street interviews where people do that in.

And I think it's generally they're like, you know, it's like, oh, look it as like if it's a pro, if this is a professional, it's not really cheating, which I don't necessarily agree with, but I see the logic where you're like, look, this woman doesn't love it. There's no feelings here. It's a pure sexual act. I kind of see the argument, even though I wouldn't agree with it necessarily. Yeah, like I have. Because I know plenty of people who just buy pussy and they pretend. the woman love. You know what I mean? Like it is cheating and it's like compulsive weird behavior. Right. I know one couple. They've been married like 25 years. Listen, no. Shout out the sex workers. You want to sell a little pussy. Good for you. And listen, I'll buy it. I'm just saying if I was married, I would not be buying pussy. Well, it depends too. I agree. I agree on that. But I do have one case study of a couple that's been married 25 years, friends of the family. Every five years, they allow the other one to get a prostitute.

Whoa. So every five years, the guy can get one and the girl can get one. And the reason why it's a prostitute is because they don't want it to be any type of thing that could potentially lead to like a real lover. See, exactly. That's Japanese of them. So they feel like, and both of them are very open about this, like we have light at the end of the tunnel and it makes our sex life better.

Yeah. But every five years, that's what we do. I respect that. And it's fine. I have a friend who, you know, they're in an open situation and they got a problem. They got prostitutes together. They had like a fucking awesome threesome or foursome. Sounds pretty cool.

That's the dream. To have a wife that cool. Yeah. You're like, yeah, let's suck pussy together. Yeah. That's what, Lord, I see what you've done for others. Yes. May you do it to me as well.

Bring it to me. Yeah, I mean, you know, I feel like, you know, look, prostitution's been around a very oldest profession. Oldest profession. So, I mean, it's got. of work. I mean, it's got to be good for humanity. What's goddamn pure panical American society? Down with that

shit. Bring back to Toots. I agree. I agree. What is this, when you say Trisha Paitis has this baby theory? Who cares? You don't want to talk about it? I mean, it's just apparently she, every time she has a child, a celebrity dies,

and they're saying that her child, who I believe is named Aquaman. That's good. And there was a period of my life where every woman I had sex with loved watching Trisha Patus on YouTube. Right. That was about, I would say, four years ago. Right. Four or five years ago, that was happening a lot to me. I loved her. So this is my knowledge, you know, they'll still post about it. I love that like, because four or five years ago when I was single, every woman that I had sex with love watching

Ben Shapiro. Okay, Chris, let's hear your penis. I am going to second right now. And I need you, I need to last longer than 30 seconds. And by the way, we should exterminate children in Palestine. Moving forward Let me see your asshole I am going to eat your ass and you will bust hands free Yeah I don't know much about it Other than

She says reincarnated When you die they get reincarnated You get reincarnated as a baby So Razi Osborne is now her newest son That's what she thinks I believe I think that's what the internet thinks Okay

And then who are the other ones Because this happened a couple times didn't it Yeah let's Yeah let's Yeah so baby theory connection explained what does she say and remember we said you would hear current events from a month ago this is that this is going and by the way

we're doing this as our big lead up to the massage and we're going to have bert's video we promised them a video of birth oh yeah yeah right so we'll do that after this um what is she saying um trisha paid us announced okay the birth of pedis so okay it originated in september 22 when queen elizabeth died September 22 and I think that's when her daughter Malibu

Barbie Paitis Hackman was born so we think that the queen of England is Malibu Barbie Pateas Hackman and that she has two other kids now and who are those they are Ozzy is Aquaman

Pate as Hackman right and then lose the other one We're laughing at her but Moses Pateus Hackman I love that we're like laughing at her but then like literally all this baby tries to do as enslave Indian people. Yeah, it takes in a cab and gets viscerally upset. Yeah.

It's like, why are you paying him, mommy? He's our servant. Yeah, she just keeps trying to get indentured servitude. Her baby is trying to hide the fact that the baby's child is a prince. And then Elvis, her second child, Elvis paid, Hackman. Oh, there were false rumors that Pope Francis died. So we don't actually have. Oh. Well, this theory completely has fallen apart. It's done. Yeah. The Queen and Ozzie, that's okay. But we really

needed the Pope to die for Elvis. Damn. Elvis Patis Hackman. Great name, by the way. Elvis. I do like that name. Aquaman, Elvis, and Malibu Barbie. I actually think Malibu Barbie's a great name. Great name. I think breaking with the tradition is great. Like when I was in high school, there were these two really good basketball players. They were brothers and their names were scientific. And majestic map. That's incredible. That was there. And they were great.

Scientific map. Scientific map. M-A-P. So they spelled MAPRong. Yeah. That's awesome. Scientific and majestic. Yeah.

Awesome. I think I would, if I were to have kids, you know, still don't, we, whatever. I don't know. Maybe I'll be a family man. You know, maybe I see. I'm going to watch and see what happens with you. See what happens. Do you mellow out?

Does it actually help you? Or in eight years are you crashing on my couch? Yes. Because you've been taken to the cleaners by jazz. And your children won't speak to you anymore. Well, that, no, that, I'll always maintain the relationship with the kids, definitely. But that might be inevitable. No, actually, Jazz and I are in a great place.

So we'll see if, so that's what I'm saying. I'm waiting and seeing. I feel like it can. I'm rooting for you. I'm just saying. I will say about kids, though, if you kind of, what you have to do with children, I've realized this, you know, after being a father for a few years now, you, you, like, you, like, it's like when you're going to be long lines. You're going to wait in the line. There's going to be stress that comes in.

this but just kind of if you laugh at all and have fun with it all you're all good it's like to be expected with kids it's like they're not going to listen to you you're not in charge they're going to yell back they're going to talk back but if you look at like that there's all beauty in that like you literally i know it sounds corny but like you almost get like saved by them like you realize like oh my career actually doesn't matter yeah the call the phone call or email back about devil wears proditude that doesn't matter it's like look at your kid on the swing you know yelling at you saying she wants ice cream crying like this is all beauty like this is all beautiful, like this, and don't give it to her.

And that's like, that's for not listening to me, bitch. Exactly. When I told you yesterday, it was time to go to school and you said no. Yeah. That's why you don't get an inch chocolate chip right now. I bet you think I'm a bad actor, too, just like I'm half the way. I'm good. I'm a good actor.

Look, I was on Benders on IFC in 2015. Anyway, I would name my, I would go some kind of very traditional Greek name. Like Pericles. Oh, wow. Odysse. I thought like Helen, but you're saying. Old school. Girl names, there's a lot, there's a lot of great girl name, girl Greek names.

Yeah, Eleni, Helen, whatever, like, you know. Pericles is nice. Because all the old ones shorten into cool shit. Paricles, you know, Pelly, you know, Perry, Aristotel, Aristotel, Aristotle. Telly, Covellis, his name was Aristotle. Aristotle, that's nice. Odysseus. Yeah.

Leonidas. My cousin's name, no neither. Oh, wow. Yeah. So, yeah. So you call them Leo. It's great. Odysseus, call him Odie, like Garfield's friend dog.

So I'm going to go very classic. Is Stavros like in Greek mythical culture? No, it's actually Christian. Stavros means cross. So I'm actually, my name comes from Christianity, which is interesting because I am a heathen. And I don't really believe in Christ. Right. But my name is fucking sick.

And so shout out to him for that, you know. Yeah. And, you know, maybe he was a real guy. Who knows? Getting his dick sucked by Mary Magdal. I think that's cool. I think he was a fan of sex workers Jesus was 100% that's what they say

And there's probably some apocryphal text Where he's getting some pussy to somewhere in there What was he up to? Don't the scriptures They lose him from the age of like 16 to 33 They lose them out there yeah How convenient Yeah Just getting ahead

In every temple in Jerusalem So anyway look We have we do have some We want to see what Bird is saying to We want to check in with our We know that's what the fans want We know that's what the fans want. So we wanted to check in, see, you know,

last time he did give us some great talking points like, talk about Indians. Yes. Yes. Let's see what race he wants us. Let's see what, you know, what type of person he would like us to. You've asked us to be more racist in the comments, so we're hoping that bird provides for us.

So let's check in with our, with our, uh, with our, uh, Burr Kreischer, uh, video this week. What's up, gentlemen. Okay. So I got into a texting argument with Arj Shafir the other day on who is going to live the longest. Oh, interesting. We said we're basically a coin flip that Tom would die before us and that Joe Rogan was going to have to attend all of our funerals. Yeah.

And we almost felt bad for Joe. Here's a deal. He'll be fine. I want to give you a list of comments. I want to tell me who's going to die first and who's going to live the longest. Oh, okay. I want you to predict how everyone's going to die also. This is more good.

Joe List, Louis J. Gomez, Big J. O'Cry, J.Ocris, Arthur, Andrew Santino, Bobby Lee, Chris DeFephano. Stavvy, Yannis. Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker, Tom Sagarra, Joe Rogan, Joe DeRosa, Sam Marell, Dan Soder, Tony Hinchcliffe, Bobby Kelly and Nate Bargazzi. Who's going to live the longest, and how are they going to die? I love you guys. Have a great fucking day. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Permission to party, World Tour starts September 18th and Rockford, Illinois.

Red Rocks, October 1st, boom. We should plug our dates, by the way. We haven't done that. I know. We haven't done that. We'll do that. Ben, can we throw some at the beginning of the episode, actually. that would be nice. Yeah, definitely.

Do some dates. Well, I could just tell... That's too many... That's too many guys, by the way. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he was talking for 45 seconds. Yeah, I would say... There's no text.

He didn't text those numbers. He was just... And you can tell he was just going off stream of consciousness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I could tell, by the way, also by how dry Bert's lips are, that he's close. I mean, he does look bad. Yeah, I mean, it's never good when your lips are the same shade as your beard. Yeah, I mean, were you filming a, is this part of the sitcom where it starts like law and order?

Are you the dead body that the episode starts on? Because that's kind of how his lips and face look like right now. Yeah, it's just like this is almost like a video that like is starting at his funeral. I would say, though, if he's going to, who's going to live the longest? I would have to think is Joe Rogan just because he has the most knowledge of longevity and the most longevity physicians around him. Maybe. To help him live the longest.

But there's also the coin flip that, like, Joe gets into something cutting edge too fast. Right. You know what I mean? Like, that he just injects, like, the wrong type of platelet. Yes. Or he puts, like, elk DNA into his heart. And it turns out, like, they were close. That was almost going to make you immortal.

But this, the beta version makes your heart explode. Yeah, yeah. So I would say there's just, like, a small version that, like, who know, you know, he's geared up. We know that. We know Joe's on the, on juice. That's not good for your heart. And I think probably. but he just has he has you know he's going to live a long time but he has that there's that dark

horse that one of the ways one of his longevity hacks like what if cold plunging actually is the worst thing in the world right you know what I mean like what if one of the like 15 crazy things he does right actually kills you you never know or what if like he gets into like you know Elon convinced him to get into like a spaceship that's not ready and it explodes you know what I mean like what if he's just like one day doing like some type of wild military press in and And on it kettlebell just crushes his head. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. What if it's not his fault? What if one of the kettlebells, like it's faulty, he's lifting a world record amount. The handle snaps right on his fucking dome.

That's a good point. You know what I mean? Yeah. So that never happened to me. Yeah. I will never go because of, you know, a kettlebell. Yeah. I will never be crushed by a kettlebell. That's true. Okay. So that, that's interesting for that. Joe List could live a lot. He's been living this long with herpes. That's true. He's mastered herpes. He's mastered herpes, had children with herpes. He does eat like a child, though. He has like a preschool. Like, he has chicken parm and chicken fingers.

Right. For every meal. Right. But he's just veldt, man. But he's feldty, skinny. He does UFC. I'm going pretty fat. Like, here's the thing.

I know I'm going to have the best funeral. Right. Because like, oh my. Everyone's going to be so sad. Oh, yeah. It's going to be too fast. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Even for being fat, it's going to be like, ah, geez. Yeah. We thought he had a couple more years left. Yeah, you're the only ones at funeral. you're going to have like nachos and cheese. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Like a fun cheese, fond newfound. It would be catered by Buffalo Wild Wings.

100%, yeah. Which is great. You'll have a Buffalo Wild Wings casket. You know, and then Sam probably will go in the inevitable. He'll never leave the island of Manhattan. So whenever the terrorist attack, the next 9-11 happens, he's going there. Well, I was going to say, I think Sam and I are both doing gigs in Saudi Arabia. So Sam's days are numbered.

Yeah, the Saudi Arabia Comedy Festival, which is just a way to get a lot of Jewish entertainers into their hands and then beheaded. So Sam's going in about eight months whenever that festival is. Yeah, yeah, so Sam, so I'll be there and I will join in with the Saudi people if it means I get out of there alive.

Yeah, you convert to fucking Islam. Yeah. So Sam, okay, Mark Norman is very, very, very healthy. Mark is actually the sneaky pick to live a long time. Longest, yeah, because he also doesn't feel like he takes on a lot of stress. He's shredded.

He's, you know, He performs being stressed. Right. He's always like, ah, but I don't think he cares about anything. It's not real. Nate, you would think clearly has the most money in the biggest career, but could go the quickest, because he's the guy who will get in a helicopter in the fog. Yeah, he's going to get COVID. Yeah, yeah.

Or one of the roller coaster he's planning for, you know what I mean, it's malfunctions. He hires some toothless hillbilly to put together his fog. He's pinching pennies. He's doing great, but an amusement park costs a lot of money. Yeah. So he hires a couple of car and he's caught a. a couple corners and then the fucking, you know, the Nate Express or whatever, you know, the like one of his, the roller coasters just, yeah, it just crashes.

Bang, yeah, you know, something like that. That could be, I could see that going. That's a good point. Lewis Gomez, you can't believe it's still alive. Yeah. I mean, you know, like you is the one who actually will live the longer. Yeah. Because he's, he will survive. He's a survivor. He's a survivor. He survived like being, you know. His father was further was stag. His father was So Lewis is like, look, they're not going to get me. Yeah, Lewis is just the kind of guy. Like, Lewis has been doing ketamine at people's weddings for 20 years. Lewis will be here for, he's the one who outlives everybody.

So Lewis, so Lewis, you're like, if he hasn't died yet, he's not going to die. Soter is all like, you know, fully sober, getting married, like healthy now. He's from Colorado. So those guys just, like, figure it out. Like, they figure out some, they smoke weed, they chill. Yep. So I got to say out of that whole list, I mean, It's, I mean, other than Burt, who is actually now purple.

Yeah, I mean, we will actually, we'll probably, the seventh episode will be us and Tom. Yes. From now on, it'll be one of us will be going back and forth with Tom because Bert's not. They will have to finish this sitcom. He's shooting with AI. Yeah, Bert's going to have to, he's not going to make the, the way they did Olivia Soprano after she had died. You're going to have like Bert's face over some other shirtless guy doing his lines? Burt's going to be the only guy to put his stand-up dates on his casket.

Just still just Red Rock, September 12th. His funeral is to hold his funeral at Red Rocks. But so, yeah, so I would say that, and by the way, I appreciate that. You can't say, Bert would have an incredible funeral. Oh, my God. You know, in fact, what's going to happen is Bert fakes his death. He's going to Tom Sawyer himself so that he can watch us, like, cry. give fucking speeches, and then he's going to be like, I'm actually alive.

And I'm going to be like, well, you're not getting a good funeral now. You know what I mean? Now you've pissed us off. Yeah, fuck, yeah. I could see that happening. I could see that happening. Yeah, Bert. And, you know, but you know what happens?

Actually, we never find out. He's so happy seeing how much his friends love him and what a good time it is. He has a heart, his heart just gives out then and there. And he's like, I can go. And that's how he dies. After faking his own death. Interesting. Watching us have a funeral at Red Rocks for him with like a slip and slide and a fucking,

it'll be, it'll be like, the fully loaded tour with like a fucking Sunday bar. What I would be interesting to me, what I'm really interested in seeing is

is, you know, when and if Bert dies, how quickly Leanne moves on. I like to see how quickly she's just like, I couldn't be happy.

We are out of here and she was just married to another man happy as happy to be doing a book. Just a guy, like a guy who like reads, he doesn't have a drink

in his life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. As like a card again. Like just lay Do you not see his stomach, but he's just like, you know. Yeah. But, yeah, but, but, Bert, I appreciate the video. There was a lot of people on that list.

A lot of people on that list. So we have to go through the ones that we could remember. And that's, we're not, you know, the other thing is we're running low on time. There's a phone in episode. We're not going a second over one hour. No. And it is important that I do get my massage. Yes.

So I'm going to set up the table. Can you set the table on? Where's in the business, we call it the plinth? Oh, set the plinth up for us, my friend. Yeah, a little bit. Benson's coming in here. This is all on the show. Set it up.

Get close up, zoom it on his, on his tiny little butt. Oh, bad. You can't even open that? Come on, dude. You're fucking blowing it. Dude, that's it. We're going to get on there. Now, have we checked?

I am excited. The weight limit? Yeah, because that is a genuine question. $5.50. Okay, great. All right. Don't look at me after he said that. You were doing the, you're looking at me doing the math.

Yeah. All right. I think we should be good. Yeah. The one thing I did forget is my tool as a physical therapist. It's called a goniometer. where you measure like different joint angles and stuff and I did forget that.

We'll do it on the neck on the last one. I'll bring it my goni. I need to know my different angles. Okay, here we go. All right, here, I got you. Or we can do it. You know what, save it for, we can do it for a Stavi's world.

Okay. I'd love to have my goniometer. There we go. Okay, wonderful. I'm going to take my shirt off and I'm going to get massaged. Yeah, that's why. I have a little creak in my neck.

This part of the episode sponsored by Blu Chu want you guys getting soft out there and then getting rock hard with Bluio. Oh, all right. so there we go talking to the mic that's it

all right so what we have here are we good so what we have here is we got stavi okay so you said you have some what is it sir

you have some neck so write some neck paint so what I'm going to do is what we call this is palpation so I'm just going to palpate and I got to be honest with you I have to dig pretty deep

to even find a bone okay so right here all right here so here you know what here let me put your glasses over here by the way I got to be honest, dude,

stobby, you do have, like, legitimate muscle under here. Thank you very much. Oh, yeah, here we go. So, Stom's right there. Oh, beautiful. Thank you. So, okay, so here's what we're doing. But you also have bruises on your back.

What the hell's going on over here? I don't know, man. Dude, my, uh... I'm not sure. My lab partner, when I was a physical therapist, he had what was called hyperhydrosis of the hands. So his hands were just soaking wet. Oh, no.

And when it would get nervous, they would get even wetter. So he would be practicing massage on me, with the teacher right there and just hands like it. Oh, no. So it's just disgusting. But what I can definitely already tell. What are you telling? Which, by the way, by the way, I can already tell I haven't practiced physical therapy since 2013.

But I can tell that you definitely do have like a lot of like tension and stuff up here. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to, because everything's connected, right? So what I'm going to do is I'm going to massage. I'm going to start. That feels nice, dude. A little efflurage massage with. Give me the efflurage, baby. Just what you want to do is because a lot of this stuff has got to.

do with blood flow. I also am doing this dry. I should have brought some type of massage cream. Does anyone have any blotion at all? Ooh, that feels good, though. Right? So, so, because what it is, is a lot of time, you have, you have, you have some, you have some lotion. If not, I'll just use my hair gel. So what, what it is, is like, you manipulate the spine just a little bit here, okay? Because I can feel you got some tense spots, and what happens is things get tight all the way up the chain. You got to look at, you know, you're going to look at, you. You got to look at, your spine like a train track.

And if there's one thing messed up, especially at the top, it's going to come all the way down. I assume you have some back pain, too. I do. I have some lower back pain. Here we go. So now we got good sake hand cream. So here we go.

Wonderful. And by the way, dude, Stobby may have the best caps in this whole business. Thank you. Thank you. That means a lot. Oh, this is awesome. I mean, here, you're feeling this, dude. Oh.

This is it. Oh. So here's so here's what we do. Right? Yes, dude. That's awesome. So here. So I'm going to.

what you got to do and also too the key to a good massage is you just always keep your hands on the patient I love that never take your hands off don't text

you know you can't be checking draft kings and trying to massage or whoever the sponsor oh dude this is so awesome and I can feel

because you got some tense musculature around your spine your spine is a little out of whack because I can feel your spine there

and I'm like okay I know why your neck hurts now okay Okay, so, here we go. Yeah. There we go. Hold on.

Now, this is what, we used to call this the locomotive, where you're just going up the tracks. Hell, yeah. The Choo train. Hell yeah, dude. You feel that, right? Yeah. You feel it? Mm-hmm.

There it is. Okay, let me lotion up. Hold on. You know what I'm going to do, dude, just because you're going to spray you down. Spray me down. I'm just going to put the mail on like you're a turkey club. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, here we go.

Yeah. yeah all right oh yeah so now here's what i want you to do is just just put your arms here if you can there we go yeah sorry i just have my balls in the cup of your hand so here so let me know of any pain at all just let me know any pain at all no nothing okay try it the other way any pain at all i am feeling your nuts even more yeah yeah i don't need a blute you now you feel any pain no okay all right so here we know? Oh, fuck. I'm literally going to nut, dude. This feels awful. Do it. That's why there's a hole at the bottom, too. These tables have a hole for the face.

Is this a milking table? Yeah, dude. And I could also do something what's called an occipital release, which is you have the occipital bone right here in the back of your head. And so you can, it really does literally feel like I'm massaging. From this angle, it's like I'm massaging Ben Franklin. But I could do an occipital release, which would hurt. your neck but no don't do that one I'm just because I can already see dude I can see how much blood flow it's just like going to the neck so here here we go hold it mm-hmm let me stretch out up here you feel that you all right yeah any pain you might feel some pain but any type of like discomfort shooting tingling you let me

know right away no shooting no shooting except for me that's it I might be shooting any moment now wow oh Here we go. Okay, let me just do one more of these because let me just get up that spine. Okay, and then one more.

Yeah. Okay, and then and then this is just for no reason whatsoever. That was two bears one cave. That was two bears. Thanks for watching everybody. There you go.

That was Two Bears One Cave. Christycom for all my stand-up dates. Come check me out. In August, we are in Oklahoma. We're in Pittsburgh, Detroit, and then September 11 theater at Madison Square Garden. That's the big one. And September 5th, Chicago Theater, Chris D.comedy.com.

Hello, folks. I'm going to hit the road soon. I'm going to be in London, September 7th, Dublin on September 12th. Then we're coming to America back to, I'm going to be in Memphis, November 6th, Huntsville, Alabama, November 7th, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Asheville, Greensboro, Wilmington, North Carolina, Myrtle Beach. South Carolina, Austin, Texas, 1122, and then Boston, Massachusetts, on the 13th, and I think we're adding a show on the 12th as well. So yeah, come check me out. Thanks for, thanks for watching and listening. Bye-bye. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert, one goes top and swall the other wears a shirt. Tom tell stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean.

Here's what we call. Here's one cave.