2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - 2 Bears 5K Predictions | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: April 29, 2024

SPONSORS: - Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. - Download the DoorDash app today! Use code BEARS24 to get 25% off your next alcohol order of $35 or more, up to $15 off max value. This week on 2 Bears, 1 Cave, modern medicine has brought Bert and Tom back together and they want to chat about some changes in-store for the podcast. They try to make right by the fans by reducing ads at the top and being more mindful about Bert's interruptions. Speaking of interruptions, doesn't it suck when Uber drivers interrupt your chill ride with unwanted conversation? Bert and Tom talk get into some bad Uber driver experiences, before getting into ex-Presidents they've been alive for, plus some wild thoughts on Biggie, Tupac, and Diddy. Plus the 2 Bears 5K is just around the corner and there's still time to sign-up! Other topics covered in this one include: OJ Simpson's passing, Jerrod Carmichael, boys trips, amusement park rides, 5K predictions, the "new" Bert, comas, running shoes, the Netflix series "Ripley", and more.  https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 234 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Congratulations on that. Do you know what? Do you know what? Why is it that... Okay, well listen. Okay. Guys, we're making changes to this show. We are, yeah.

We're making changes to this show. There's no more previews at the top. No more previews at the top. Number one, you will never see me cry. I will never cry. For now on, from this point on, in any podcast, I promise, I will never cry. If I start to cry, I'll walk off, I'll walk off set.

I will not, you let anyone see me cry. Do not watch the next three episodes of Birdcast, but. Three, three in a row? Yeah, anytime a musician starts playing, I start crying. Any? Any song. Really? Yeah, it's just, it's powerful. playing, I start crying. Any? Any song. Really? Yeah, it was just, it was powerful.

Yeah, I hear you. I'm done crying, I'm done crying, I'm gonna start grounded. Yeah. You're never gonna ever hear me say what's a phrase no one likes? I had just had the best night of my life. I just, I won't have, I've already had them all.

Yeah, they're all done. So they're never gonna have. We're doing an event tonight, I think it'll be okay. Yeah, I think so. Yeah. So no previews at the top. I think it'll be okay. Yeah, I think so So no previews at the top no previews at the top you're never gonna cry or say you had the best night of your life Yep, I'm gonna talk very grounded in every story. It won't be interesting. They're gonna be just like it happened. No exaggerations Very minimal exaggeration. Okay, very minimal exaggerations. We what do we do? We reduced our

Very minimal exaggeration. Okay, very minimal exaggerations. We, what do we do? We reduced our, we moved at from the top of the show. Oh, we're gaining weight too. We're gaining weight. We're getting fatter? I'm gonna get fat again. I'm done.

Listen, if you can allow me just get jacked for my special, I'm gonna be ripped for my special. I'm gonna be ripped. I'm gonna fucking go hard. I might get on Winstral. Nice. Yeah, I know. I just think, I just think.

Anivar. Can I tell you the only reason I want to do it is? Yeah. I feel like every special looks identical because I had the exact fatness on all of them. Yeah. So I won't want to on the thumbnails. Some would argue you got fatter in some of them.

Did you hear that guys? Yeah. I'm trying to tone down my laugh too. All the things you don't like about me, I'm changing. I don't like them about me either, okay? By the way, I've listened too. Look at this bare wrist. He took an UberX here.

I did, I did. I actually did the Uber with the person next to me. Pool, Uber pool. So I get it, I get it. Listening, we're listening. Reduction of ads. Okay, I can't. What else? listening. We're listening reduction of ads What else I'm trying to change but I could never take an uber pool. Oh, yeah, it's could not take an uber. It sucks

Have you taken one? Yeah I've done it. I also have had heavier had an uber driver talk to you What are you doing in town and you're like, oh Jesus Christ, where are you from? You're like I'm from Boston and And then they keep telling you their story. This guy told me this story. Did I tell you this? Where I got in the car and he's like, where are you from? And I was like, Austin.

He's like, oh yeah, I've been there. I was like, cool. He's like, where are you from? And then he's like, well, I live in this place. I hate it here. And I go, oh, that's interesting. You know, where do you like it? And he's like, oh, there's this town in South Carolina.

And I go, oh yeah, he goes, it's a dream. And I go, really? Well, tell me about it. And he's like, well, there's like a, you can just sit and there's just bar after bar after bar and you can just go to every bar and there's live music. I was like, oh, it's interesting how other people's perfection is not yours.

I was like, that sounds like a fucking nightmare to me. And then he was like, oh, it's interesting how other people's perfection is not yours. Yeah. I was like, that sounds like a fucking nightmare to me. And then he was like, yeah, um, I was also just in Dallas and I was like, oh, cool. And he goes, yeah, man, fucking JFK was not a one man job. And I was like, can you pull over? Um, then he went into a whole, like a whole spiel about how the CIA was involved. And there was seven shooters. And I was like, how far are we from the destination?

Just total fucking conspiracy guy. And I was like, great, great. Yeah, that's interesting, man. He's like, I can hook you up with the guy that took me out there. I was like, I'm good. Crazy guys driving you is definitely, that's the one thing I think about touring life

that you realize, one of the most inconsistent things, because you're always in a car with somebody, are that drive, you're like, I should just have a rental car and drive myself in every city. It's really crazy how much you're willing to roll the dice on your life and let a person who possibly didn't grow up in this country

knowing these road rules, drive you on the interstate in a fucking Corolla. All over the placement and you realize first of all, like sometimes, sometimes it's even a car service and you're like, you start to know it, you're like, you're a terrible driver and this is your job and they don't know where things are and they're not following the rules of the road

and they're either driving like way, like we've had multiple times, I don't know if you have, we're in a Sprinter van or something and they're not following the rules of the road and they're either driving like way like we've had multiple times I Don't know if you have like we're in a Sprinter van or something and we're like, hey man Could you slow the fuck down and they're like what and you're like you're doing 85 like could you slow down a little bit? Or they're going 45 and you're like, holy shit So the whole thing is it makes me fucking crazy when someone else is behind the wheel So I have started renting cars in some cities. You like driving. I like driving.

I don't like driving. Yeah. I hate driving. I had an Uber driver. My favorite Uber conversation ever was the night of the election for Trump and- Biden? No, no, the first one. Who did you run against the first time?

The- Clinton. Hillary. Bill Clinton. Hillary. Hillary. And- Jesus, I can't believe I drew a blank on that.

I know. I can't believe we've had so many fucking presidents in our lives. Have we? Yeah. Had that many? Like five. More than five.

10? Name them. From my birth? From my birth. Your birth is before mine, so. By a year or two. Seven years. Be uh.

Seven. No, it's not seven. It's seven. You just or two. Seven years. Be, uh. Seven. No, it's not seven. It's seven. You just turned 45. Happy birthday, by the way. Did I call you on your birthday? I don't think so. Okay, happy birthday.

So glad we're done with that fucking bit. So, uh, so, uh, my first, Jimmy Carter's the first one I remember. The one- I remember Reagan. I remember, I remember Reagan getting shot remember Reagan. I remember Reagan getting shot. Yeah. I remember Reagan getting shot. I remember John Lennon getting shot.

I don't remember that. I do. And then Reagan, Bush, Clinton. Bush. Bush, Obama, Trump. Yeah. So we're- Biden.

Biden. And so on the day of we're doing the end of the world podcast at the store and I get an an Uber to go there because we're gonna get lit. And I said to the guy, he goes, where are you? I said, we're going to the store. And I said, yeah. And he said, what are you doing?

I said, podcast, it's about the election, end of the world. And he goes, yeah, when is that? It was that day. And I said, it's today. And he goes, yeah, who's in that? And I said, I said it's today. And he goes, yeah, who's in that? And I said, Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton. He goes, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get around a vote in this week.

I was like, good, you know what? Wait until the end of the week when there's not a lot of lines. Yeah, yeah, go Friday. Fucking idiot. The best is when you bait a Uber driver into being sexist. When you can tell they're not from this country

and they're a little older and they're from a Stan, or the Stans, and you're like, fucking women drivers. Buddy, don't tell me. Oh, fuck. Well, they know, they know. They're like, also like if a woman, if you're with your wife and then she talks and the guy's like, fuck do you let her talk for?

That's a good one too. Like the time we told the Marines to tell our wives. Oh yeah, we were in Hawaii and it was Pearl Harbor tour and then we got the naval tour on the water and then we had the Marines take us out to some, I don't know, the tour of their base and they were showing us their range and then they were like, let's, oh yeah, you were like, I have daughters. And the guy was like, meh. He's like, I got one, but I got a son. He's great.

We got one rule here, if it's brown and it moves, shoot it. Like, wow, we're glad we didn't have Russell Peters come with us on this. And then our wives go, we're gonna use the bathroom. And then they got lost, they took forever. And he goes, what are we waiting on? And I started with our wives. And you could see it in his eyes.

We're like, hey, when they come in, just kind of light them up about women. We were light on it. And this guy, he's a character actor, because he fucking. Those guys are fun, man. God. Military guys, a lot of them know how to have a good time.

If you had to do a boys trip based just on the occupation. Based on the occupation? Five dudes, and you had to do a boys trip based just on the occupation. Based on the occupation? Five dudes and you get to pick their occupation. Oh, I thought you meant like an occupation of a land. Like I was like, what are you talking about? You can pick one trip, just Gaza. Who would you take? I'm like, uh, I don't know. No, no, no. This is, okay.

Occupation, so you get five bros, and they're from different cities, but they all have the same occupation. Cops, firemen, military, bartenders. Sure. Investment bankers, lawyers, doctors. What occupation do you think would be the funnest for a boys trip to Vegas to go with?

Well, definitely one of the emergency services people. You want at least one of them. Someone who can perform CPR. Yeah, yeah, paramedic, fireman, those guys are fun. They have great stories. And you get in trouble with something, they're the ones that can get you out of it. Don't want cops cops cops fucking start flexing I just watched the OJ documentary the one that's 30 for 31. He really did it Like there's no question about it when you watch that I never watched did you watch the the 30 for 31?

No, the five part. Yeah. Yeah that one. Yeah, I watch that. It's one of the by the way I Talked about this when it came because when it came out, I saw it a few years back whenever that was it is possibly the best docu series of television that I've ever seen and if you think you're like, well, I already know that story You don't know really don't the depths of this story. It's so good You don't know the depths of this story. It's so good. It was ESPN produced and it was originally released there as whatever, a five part series that was unbelievable.

Made in America. Made in America. And now you can see it on Netflix, I think. Netflix, I downloaded it for my flight last night. It's so fucking unbelievable. The layers that this thing gets into, it's like, it really presents it to you from a different perspective. I've never seen something that good, I really swear.

It, by the way, he fucking, he completely did it. Like I can't believe it was a real question. Like as you're watching this, you're like, no, no, no. You know they've like tapped into some of the jurors now, right, and they were like, yeah, we knew he did it. Like the jurors are saying that. Are you serious? Yeah, they were like, yeah, we knew he did it. Like the jurors are saying that. Are you serious? Yeah, they were like, this was like payback

for Rodney King and LAPD and shit, yeah. Well, I didn't realize just how bad, and I mean this with respect to the police officers, because I do like cops, but just how fucking bad the LAPD was. Like how out of control they were. Like in the thing, the wild shit Darryl Gates said in public Yeah, well, it's hard to choke out a black guy. They're different. They're different

They're like a different than us and when they did that raid and just like destroyed people's homes You know what they said their defense for Rodney King was well if we could use the chokehold we would not to beat him so hard and They were killing people in chokeholds. I mean the track record for the LAPD at that time was absolutely fucking horrible I gotta watch the documentary on Biggie and Tupac now because I'm sure there was a guy that was on Vlad TV who said he killed Tupac. Yeah he got arrested. He did? He got arrested like a month later so he said that Diddy... My algorithm fucking sucks. Diddy, he's he had arrested he did he got arrested like a month later So he said that did he my algorithm fucking sucks

Did he pay he's like did he offered me this money to do it right and the only reason did he? Isn't like really held accountable for that is that he never paid him So like if they had paid if there has been like a transaction of money like but this guy is like yeah He said to do it and he'd pay me this much, so he did it. This guy, yeah. Keef D. Yeah. Keefie D. That's him.

Yeah. He told that on Vlad and like a month later, they arrested him. That's crazy. Yeah. And he's been saying it for a while. I think he even may have even written a book or something about it.

Vlad's Nori Drink Champs episode is really good. Is it? Yeah. Is it recent or? It's kind of recent. Yeah, kind of like a month. But that interview's really good. You don't realize how deep into the scene Vlad was and is. Getting ready to host?

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to me, it's like, those, I say old school rappers, but I don't mean old school. They're like our age. Like, Norrie, Cam, Mace, all those guys, you don't realize what a tight, small community that was. Yeah, they're all friends. It's insane to me, as they all get podcasts and all start sharing stories, it really is kind of like, almost like, when people talk about what was the store like back in the day, you know?

Like they all just grew up together, and like even Vlad, who I always thought was an outlier, was not. He was in the New York scene. I just, I didn't know, I thought Vlad was just an internet guy at first. And then all of a sudden I did a deep dive and I was like, oh fuck, and then I did his show.

I texted him after his drink chance, it was really fucking good. Let's get into Diddy real quick. Are you following any of it? I mean, I would say I get some of the headlines, I'm not like super deep into it. I guess what I don't, what I haven't followed in the last few weeks was like, I remember the, you know, the, the feds raiding his place.

And then they're like, Oh, he's on a plane to an island. And then he was just like, no, I'm in Miami. And there's footage of him in just in Miami. Yeah. Then you go kind of that where I kind of tapped out of it was just more people keep telling stories about him But I've heard nothing legal developed. Yeah, I've heard wild stories. Yeah, people are saying incredibly crazy shit Yeah, dark shit

Do you think we got one of those in comedy? That they're like the supposed diddy probably not no That's usually like, you have to have so much power to wield. Like he was a, I'll do the, like if you now are, have a deal, Burt. Like so somebody, there's not really that in comedy. You see it in Hollywood more because

that's what the Weinstein stuff was like. You know, I could like, he's like I'm a movie producer so it's like, all right, I'll give you the part in this. But like now I have something over you, you know? So like, you don't movie producer, so it's like, all right, I'll give you the part in this, but now I have something over you. So you don't really see that in stand-ups. It doesn't work like that. If you got a call from Diddy today. Today?

Today, and he said, hey, bro, I just saw you guys talking about me on the podcast. You guys didn't talk shit. A lot of people were talking shit about me. Hey, game respects game. I'm throwing a party in Miami. I got a jet waiting for you. Okay, what time?

In a heartbeat. Yeah. In a fucking heartbeat. You'd be shocked who I'd party with. But it's like, I think I'd party with some pretty... Well, a ditty party, at this point you'd be like, okay, I'm gonna go be a spectator. Did you hear Howard Stern's story about it?

No. Howard Stern was saying that they had an outside party and an inside party. The inside party were for celebrities and the outside party was for celebrities that did he wanted to show up but weren't celebrities enough to go inside and he wouldn't let them inside. So they're like, I want to go in the house and he's like... And they were like, no, and it's Howard fucking Stern. Maybe inside was like the circle of trust, right? That's people that he felt like.

Do you think he's gay? I don't know if he's gay, because I don't know enough. I've just heard a lot of people say that he fucks guys. I mean, so I don't know how to phrase that. There sure are a lot of people saying that. I heard a guy tell a story about how he was like walking through the halls of a party and that he could hear Diddy and some guy in there, he's like, you just hear cheeks clapping, you know? You hear nuts slapping on his ass.

Heard a dude just wiling, ah, ah, ah. And I was like, good story. That'd be a great door to open. Oh my God. Just fly and see Diddy going, shut the door. Yeah, and he's not, you know, I think we forget that like, I'm not saying that he's gay, but you forget that not all gay guys are effeminate.

You know, that's like the old stereotype. Some really are. Some of course really are. I like those gay guys better. You like when they're a little swishy. I love it. Like Lil Nas X. But he's not, no I'm saying there are some like, hey, that's a really deliberate gay voice

and way of being, right? Yeah, I know what you're saying, no he is, but I'm saying there's people that are, there's gay guys you've met that are the extreme of that. Like when you see two dudes with cool groomed beards holding hands and you're like, whoa, I didn't, I didn't like that. Yeah. And you're like, I see it, but I don't see it.

And then you see the fucking, there's the really super jacked gay dudes that you're like, wait, and then you see that they have gaunt like cheeks and you're like, oh, he's got HIV. Okay, okay, boys weekend, you get to pick what type of gay guys you get to go to Vegas with. Boys weekend, what type of gay guys?

You wanna mix it up, right? No, no, no, you can't, you gotta either got bears. Bears. Or you got like the investment broker gay who you can't really clock it until you show up at his house. Those guys are the darkest though, because you can't really clock it until you show up at his house. Those guys are the darkest though. Because those guys are really hiding who they are.

Like when they're, you have no idea, like the emotionless eyes and you're like, I didn't know that guy. Like those guys are the scariest. They're off. The Wall Street guys, no way. I want very fun, five minute. The family ones would be very fun.

The bears you fall right into. I would ho ho ho ho. I would be in fucking chest straps with a fucking harness in the center. Because you would be shirtless first, they'd be like, oh, I think he's the leader. I think you're right. I was gonna go, I would go like very effeminate,

toe sucking gay, like that. Like, did you see Gerard Carmichael's new special? No. You haven't? No. Oh, you should watch it. Why? It's pretty fucking, it's like, I, well listen,

I'm the wrong person, cause I like things that I don't understand why I like it, but I like it. I feel like, I like being a voyeur. I like seeing things that aren't the things I'm into, or I do, I like watching them and then trying to figure out Why you're attracted to it or why or why they're doing it sometimes? So what's in what are you saying in that? Gerard car first of all, I don't know I don't want to sound like I'm talking shit about Gerard Carmichael because I'm certain people are probably talking shit about Gerard Carmichael

but like he people are probably talking shit about Gerard Carmichael. But like, he, like his parents, once again, I'm talking about a comic and I don't like talking shit, so I'm trying not to talk shit. But I'm trying to say what it is. I think Gerard would be cool with me saying what it is. His parents are not cool with him being gay. And his mom tries to pray it out of him a couple times.

I think he's from like small town Carolina or something. Yeah, something like that. But he is unquestionably who he is. Like he is like putting on different outfits, having boys, I say boys, but younger guys than him come over to his hotel room and he's hooking up with them on camera. This is in the special?

It's not a special, it's a documentary he's doing on Max, I think. And it really is, like he brings in Tyler, the creator, and apparently he's in love with Tyler, the creator. And apparently they must have had a relationship in the past. And he brings Tyler, the creator in to address his feelings for him. And you can clearly see Tyler is not 100% comfortable with the fact that there's cameras around or that they're doing this or that they're sharing these feelings.

And Tyler seems like a dude who's just having a good time. Like, he seems like a guy who's like, yo, I party, I have fun, yeah, I hooked up with you, but I'm not ready looking for love. I'm looking to have a fucking good time. And you can tell he's, just by the way he eats his french fries, you're like, you can see him looking at the camera,

he's like, yeah, are we done? He's like, yo, hit me up, we'll hang out. And then you see him hit him up, and Tyler just kind of ghosts him. But it's, I don't know why I'm into certain things that are so different than me. Well, I think that makes sense. But most people, like, if you look at most people's algorithm,

it defines them. You think so? Yeah. Like you look at, I had Tom, I went into Tom Poppa's boring ass fucking algorithm and it's- How? I took his phone and I went through it Poppa's boring ass fucking algorithm. And it's- How? I took his phone and I went through it and it's,

I mean, I love you Tom, but it's like bread baking. It's funny cat videos. It's not, you don't get an insight to the serial killer in him. What are you, what's in your algorithm? I don't know how, I don't know how to represent this because once again, I feel like because I'm a comedian, people think I'm making fun of it, but I'm not.

I'm just fascinated by people who show their lives so intimately and unabashedly, and it's absolutely nothing to brag about, but they're putting themselves out there. Like there's this woman, I know I've told you about her, Catpaw is 77, seven, seven, seven, seven, three sevens. And she's a security guard in Nashville and she works the night shift.

She goes live streams every now and then, they're like 35 minutes, but mostly what she does is she shows her meals and her meals after she gets off work She drinks black velvet by the way, I'd love to sponsor her with porous. I love sense of porous Oh to her. I'd love her to drink our stuff, but she Shows her meals and her meals You know, I gotta be honest with you. I feel like They she puts herself out there in such a vulnerable way.

And it's wild that someone would do that. And so I follow her. So you like that it's genuine and it's not, most people on social media show like an aspirational life, like, hey, here's me on vacation, or here's me going to like an awesome event, or here's me, you know, doing something amazing. Look at my five-star meal. And this is somebody who's like very much not doing that. Living paycheck to paycheck.

And you can tell, she shows you her grocery list, what she bought, she buys stuff that's sometimes expired. She tried out different types of flavors of Mountain Dews. Do you think you're drawn to it because it's just so unusual for someone to be that honest about that things aren't great for them? Maybe. I think I connect with her in a weird way that I would be doing the same thing if I

was her. There's a thing about- You would. That's what it is, I think. I would be doing the same thing, and I do it, and I think I overshare, I think I overshare in a maybe what could be deemed a gross or flashy way. Like I've never not posted if I'm getting on a private jet, because I don't know, I just think it's cool.

Yeah. And so I'll be like, yeah, I'm getting on a private jet. I think it's cool. I don't do it very often, it's cool. And so I'll be like, yeah, I'm getting on private jet. I think it's cool. I don't do it very often, but when I do it, I post it. And so I would be doing the same thing she was doing. There was one. Do you get upset when you do that? I don't know, I don't read comments.

I don't read comments, like genuinely I don't. I'll catch one every now and then, and it'll fucking bum me out. And I'll be like, oh. And so I just don't read them. But yeah, I think people get upset. I think they'd also post pictures if they were getting on a private jet.

So I don't really know what they're getting upset about. I know I got upset when Anthony Bourdain posted a picture of him getting on a private jet. I got upset. Yeah, we were all on Travel Channel at the same time. And I think I got bummed and I think I might've texted probably Adam Richman or someone and Adam Richman's like, buddy, there's a picture of you on a private jet like three weeks ago, and I was like fuck. I did the same thing

I did the same thing. I was flying on a private jet with for travel channel Yeah, he was doing it for travel channel. Yeah, and I was like god damn it It's just says hip hypocrisy is the thing. I try to fight it hardest of ends. Here's here's my thing This is a deep dive. Do you have her channel? It looks like it's down. Like this is what's coming up every time I click on it. No, it's not. Yeah, I mean, we were just looking at it.

Maybe she's like private or something. Like only you can see her if you're following her. Can you see her right now? No, I found her. I found her. Can you pull it up right now? Yeah, of course. Well, just see if it works for you.

Cause let's just figure this out for one second. Yeah. What's behind the Dairy Farmers of Canada Blue Cow logo on your favorite dairy products? It's high Canadian standards, which means we meet 42 food safety requirements. We work with a team of animal care experts and work towards a sustainable future.

That's what this logo certifies. We're behind the Blue Cow logo. Dairy Farms of Canada. That's dairy farming forward. Okay, so we should just inform people what just happened. Okay, so go ahead. You were talking about the fact

that this is an account that you really love because it's like this genuine look into somebody's life where it's not glamorous, but they're honest and they share what their life is and this is something that you enjoy. So then we went to pull it up on the YMH account and we were blocked. And then I did it on my account and I'm blocked. So we had to find an account that was not blocked.

So we've all been blocked, but I don't know why we've been blocked. Can't figure that out. Well, I'm saying I don't know specific like what the... What sucks is now I realize I'm about to be blocked. But maybe you won't be because she's going to hear this. I hope she does. I hope there's a thing about life When it's and I'm dealing with this in therapy kind of How much of my life is performative?

You know, mm-hmm. So like I'll give you a small example So I had a very busy day yesterday very overwhelming started at 6 a.m And it didn't end until I got in last night at midnight. I was having anxiety, but I was showing everyone I had anxiety. Like I wanted Leanne to feel it. And so I was being anxious. And I was like, and then I realized in the car,

when I was by myself, my anxiety started to go away and I started wondering, was I being performative? I've noticed that I'm performative at times. Like, I'll bring out my phone and I'll post a video and whatever's happening in my life, I can disconnect from it, get a video of me in the sauna and the Polar Plunge or in the gym and all of a sudden I get put into a better mood

and it's performative. And then all of a sudden I stopped posting a lot on stories. I know that I still post probably more than most comedians, but I don't post like I used to because I was having a hard time connecting to what was real and what I was wanting people to see. And so, so much of my life is, for such a long time, especially when I got hot on Instagram, I kept using Instagram, so much of it was to show you I was okay. Does that make sense?

And with CatPaws, I was wondering if there's something in her, but there's so little performativeness in her. What you said about yourself, first of all, is very insightful. I mean, that's really, that's very insightful. I think you should, you know. Oh, that's why I'm terrified about these next nine months. Because I don't, I don't know what

I'm gonna, if I'm not promoting something or having tickets to sell or I don't have an hour to work on. I mean my next hour is not due for another two years. Well I think you're gonna be. I know but like I wonder, I wonder what if you take away the performative aspect of me, what if you take away the performative aspect of me, where do I land in myself? And I think what's crazy and I wonder what fans think is, do they notice it? And don't say like I noticed it now because you brought it up, Bert.

If you noticed it because I brought it up, that's okay, I get it. But like if you noticed it before that and you were like, yeah, he's not being genuine anymore. He stopped being genuine. You think you've stopped being genuine anymore. He's stopped being genuine. You think you've stopped being genuine? I feel like a little bit. In which way?

I feel like I've, when I, okay, so when I started working on Travel Channel, I had a hard time talking to people on the street, because that's not a normal thing to do. Yeah. To like, up cost someone and go, what are you eating? Where did you get it? How do you taste it?

Yeah. Do you like it? And I, I lost that entirely, that uncomfortableness of intimacy of people when I started working the Travel Channel, and it's why I took to Instagram so easily, because I didn't have a problem pulling a camera up and talking to the camera. I didn't have a problem ignoring the people around me,

putting them in the background, not asking if they wanted to be in the background. And like Joe is not performative. And I would at times pull my camera out with Joe and he would be like, what the fuck are you doing? And I would, in my head I was like, well if it's, like I hung out with, I hung out with Chappelle for Eclipse and he's, at the end of the day he said,

did you have a good time? And the only way I could quantify to him that I had the best time of my life was saying, Dave, I thought about taking my phone out about 15 times. That's how I knew I was having a good time. How fucking sad is that? Where you're like, that's just but that's just your gauge for it. My gauge for it is like, Dave, I wanted to record everything.

But you didn't. I didn't. I didn't post anything. I had a great time. Didn't post anything. But you bummed too that you didn't post? No, I posted one thing and that's Donnell Rollins on Instagram during the fucking eclipse. and that's Donnell Rollins on Instagram during the fucking eclipse.

Donnell was on Instagram scrolling Instagram while the fucking eclipse was happening and I was like, I'm taking a picture of this. It's the eclipse and Donnell looking at his phone. But like, it's, and I think some of like with cat paws or the people that I follow, and I don't someone like with Catpaws or the people that I follow, and I don't wanna like out all the people I follow, but there's something less performative about her

and maybe more authentic. But you're saying that you're becoming, are you saying that you're becoming less, cause you sound like you're saying you're becoming less authentic, but what you're really also saying is you're less performative, which is more authentic, right? I'm trying to become less performative.

Okay. But I felt, I'm trying to become less performative. Okay. But I feel like I hit the crux. I can tell you exactly when I hit the crux. I can tell you the moment, I don't know if everyone knows this. So we get ready to go out there to do the road, everyone meets at my house at like six in the morning. I party the night before and I'm hung over.

I think I just left the gym, everyone showed up, and they're like, what are you gonna do now? What I really wanted to do was just go in, take a shower and come out, but I got into the polar plunge and did a three minute polar plunge because people were there. We're there, yeah, yeah, I get that.

And I wanted to show them that this is how I live my life. Yeah, yeah. If they weren't there, I wouldn't have done it. I understand that. And in the polar plunge, I wouldn't have done it. I understand that. And in the Polar Plunge, I went, how performative are you? The word performative hit in my head at that moment. And I went, my whole life is performative, my whole life. And when I spent time with the girls,

they asked me not to be performative. They'll be like, dad, no phones, no nothing. We're going to a Dodgers game, like be present. And when we went skiing, they said no phones, don't put it on Instagram. And it was cool, I felt grounded and present and I felt of purpose, I felt of use to the girls and I'd get up and get them breakfast.

But even as I get them breakfast, I wanna pull my phone out and be like, but I'm killing this dad shit, you know, whatever the fuck that is. And it's just, it's this inauthenticity that I think I've let permeate my life because I have all these things that I'm trying to sell does that make sense Yeah, it does. It's like hard to sell a summer festival if if you're like not going like hey, we're all gonna have a great time Yeah, you know like yeah these insights that you're sharing are insightful

They are like you're being like very introspective. It's why I'm taking time off But can I tell you what I think you should do in your time off? Like the best. Sail to Hawaii and record it? No. That's, that's all. Can I tell you? All I can think of is doing stuff to put on social media.

And that's, it's like, I want to sail to Hawaii. I want to do it for me. I want to sail to Hawaii. But then I go, I can't comprehend not sharing that journey. I can't, it doesn't compute to me. Would you learn to sail or are you a proficient? I'm a fairly proficient sailor. I'm not, I can't sail, I can sail a boat,

but I can't sail like a fucking gunboat. Like I couldn't, I'd have to learn, but that would be my. Yeah, that's a very cool thing to learn. Yeah, it's an 18 day trip to Hawaii. That'd be very cool. They're like, I have to document this I would wouldn't you I mean like okay, and I put this to the fans listening

Would you? Wouldn't you document it like at least for yourself, right? It is something you we do have phones we have cameras and we do want to film it. Why not share it? Why not because because also in a weird way, I love following someone doing something. I love when like, like I follow a lot of sailors, a lot of sailors, like Vagabond, sailing the Vagabond is like my favorite one.

I follow their journey, I watch them have children, and they have two children now, and they've been sailing the world for probably six years. Jesus. And, but it's like, I, that I lose myself in their journeys. And that's what I love about Instagram. It's like, I lose, I think about Catpaws all the time. I think about her all the time.

So can we see like what, one of the things she posts? Like. Look, okay, ready? This is very simple. And this is one, the first one that really connected with me was go to the second one, okay? The second one is, I guess people were giving her shit. So here's another thing about cat paws is she reads the comments and she

responds to the comments. Yeah. And people were giving her shit saying that she lived in a one bedroom and she says, no, I live in an efficiency. Now here's what connects with me. And once again, I'm way oversharing. When I moved out of our house that, uh, and moved to our new house, I had a really hard time showing that house because I felt like it was kind of too big. And I didn't for the first three months, I wouldn't post anything around the house.

And then it got to a place where I was like, well, I don't know where to post anything at. If I can't post being in my own house, I'm just going to have to deal with it. But I was self-conscious of it. The fact that CapAuth shares her efficiency and literally gives you aPaw shares her efficiency and literally gives you a walkthrough of her efficiency to me was so vulnerable and so honest and

so real. Is it the second one? It's the second one and it's and just play that. I have problems understanding the difference between efficiency apartment and studio apartment. Let's just say efficiency apartment when you rent it, you get one solid room other than the bathroom. You get four walls, a floor, and a ceiling. Nothing else. Studio apartment, you get one room, but you also get a little kitchenette and possibly a little invert to divide the room up for a bedroom and not.

But efficiency is basically this. My entire apartment and then my kitchen like I said single burner little griddle crock pot toaster one fridge one and toaster two coffee pot bathroom front door fridge and toaster oven that's it my entire Coffee pot Front door Fridge and toaster oven. That's it my entire apartment. You can see almost from the front door Okay, seems like people have so like she's defending as people were like saying you don't live in an efficiency Yeah And by the way, I'm also fascinated by what she spends her money on like she spends her money on coffee

Like she she wants good coffee. That's fascinating to me that she would, she had one of the, great, she shows her breakfast, she had one breakfast where I was like, I fucking love that breakfast. Scroll, scroll, scroll more. And you do, like you deep dive into the town. I've watched every one of her videos.

I've watched everything she has. She broke her foot. She has, here go to the one in the middle. Go to the one in the middle. This is a typical cat paw's breakfast. Breakfast, and yes I just got from work. Having Baja Blast with black velvet. All these dill pickle fish sandwich

with American cheese, hash brown, garlic, turmeric, ranch dressing, and then chips with honey mustard. All right, my- So what do you think she blocked me? I'd be curious why you think she blocked you. Well, can you scroll and see if, I wanna see if any video closed that, and does anything look familiar?

Did we play something from here? Oh, what pizzas did she get? Yeah, that foot kind of looks familiar. Go to the breakfast on the far right below the foot. That's her breakfast. And tell me if this doesn't sound kind of good. Pancake, sausage on a stick, hash browned with taco cheese, garlic, honey butter, peppers, onions,

on Dave's Killer Bread Epic Everything Bagel, and to drink Skull Crushing Espresso from Fire Department Coffee. That's my dinner. She spends her money on good coffee, yeah. By the way, can I tell you, I'm also, I'm shocked, because I would eat two of those plates. I would fuck that up.

Yeah, that's pretty. Hearty breakfast. How'd she break her foot? I don't know. Oh. Yeah, I don't know why she blocked me though. Well, I'd imagine there's, I'd imagine your fans are,

the YMH fans would have fun in her comments. You think that's what happened? It has to be. Well, cat paws, I don't know what happened. By the way, I want Black Racket Full Coffee to sponsor her because she loves their coffee. And like, okay, here's the other thing. She's got 9,000 followers.

9,000? So is there a thing in her that wants to monetize this? You know, does she wanna monetize her? I don't know how, I mean 9,000 people follow her. That's a lot. It's a lot. That's something. Single, not looking, 42 years old female

that enjoys outdoor activities, amusement parks, dragons, animals, watching TV, drinking, lives in Nashville. I almost fucking hit her up when I was in Nashville. I wanted to meet her. when I was in Nashville. Yeah, I wanted to meet her You're interested you have you have an interesting mind I get I get lost and I don't know it's like well Here's what we're talking about algorithms. I sent Zola one of the things that I'm obsessed with what's that? It's from Instagram, too. Let's see if you can I am really into

Okay, I'm really into amusement park accidents like because they just get they get just put up in some places by anyone some traveler. Oh you're talking like traveling fairs. Yeah like things like that. Oh those are dangerous as fuck. And Especially when you get into like third world countries and they're like get on the fucking ferris wheel. You know the laws are different. You're talking to an amusement park expert. Yeah, you've been to a lot of them. I've been to almost all of them and the laws in Europe are different. If you get hurt, the amusement park can sue you.

For getting hurt? Yeah, and in the States it's not that way there was one six flags I think in Louisville that ripped the girls legs off yeah there's there's a whole bunch that have had crazy things oh and I see all the videos you know like check this out look at this thing going around. Oh, oh, shut the fuck up. Jesus. It's like one of those where your body is hanging from this and you just hit metal. I saw one go, somebody last week go, flying from one, this was like in Eastern Europe,

goes flying off one of these, lands 40 feet away, and then people just walk around and walk past the body just like dead on the ground. And you're like, shit, I just can't imagine saying yes to any of those fucking rides. I've ridden some of the most wildest fucking rides you can ever imagine. Yeah. There's one in, I think in Utah, the guy just built it.

He just built it in the middle of the fucking field. A guy by himself a flying eagle See if you can find flying eagle in Utah, Utah. I Think it's soaring eagle. Maybe flying eagle amusement Okay, the flying eagle zipline no, that's in Park City No, that's in Park City. Is that it? Yeah. Soren Eagle. It's in the middle of a fucking field.

And... That's not it. That's the zip. I'm getting confused. I've done so many. This guy just built a tower, right? I almost bought one. They cost three million dollars. This looks like a tower in the middle there. Yeah, Logan, Utah. That's it. Logan, Utah. It's just a tower.

They cost $3 million to build. I was going to build one invest in one and build one in Florida because it's wild. His drops, his drop seat is just a saddle, right? And a lap band, no arms, no, no restraints. And they drop you like fucking 300 feet and you come up out of the belt like, and you fall crazy He's got another one where you get on on like another saddle and you sit on the ground and it just shoots you up in the fucking sky and then he's got

There is soaring Eagle you can buy these and he put he put them up for you. Okay, Jesus Christ Let me uh Switch to this real quick. We are just over a week away from our 5K. And for those of you that put it up, that have not yet signed up, you still can go to tobears5k.com. But here's kind of one of the cool things. We have a whole bunch of people coming to do this in person in Pasadena, part of the

greater Los Angeles area. You can register to run. You can come for just the party, by the way, or you can virtually participate. If you virtually participate, you're sent a shirt and these bad ass fucking medals. These fucking medals are awesome. Leanne scouted the location and she was fucking through the roof I'm gonna facetime her. It's very very she said I think The the track you know out and back so you'll be able to see everyone running with you

it's so at one point and then and There's a party everyone wondering party real quick. You're on two bears Can you describe can you describe the two bears location for the 5K at the Rose Bowl? Can you sell it to Tom who hasn't seen it? Oh, it's so cool. Hi, Leanne. Register in the parking lot. You have to run over like a little bridge

and then you run up the street on one side of the Rose Bowl and then sort of kind of hook back down the same street to the finish line is tree line streets really beautiful run and then the after party is inside the Rose Bowl on the field the stage is on the 50 yard line we're gonna have a recovery center we're gonna have corn hole tell about the polar plunge recovery center we Tell about the polar plunge Recovery center will have a polar plunge. We have four no norma tech stations for the boots for recovery I have a DJ Dave Williamson's hosting There's tons of food and beverage outside the Rose Bowl

We have some great photo ops underneath the big Rose Bowl sign that has awesome bears Under the sign it's gonna be amazing. I under the sign. It's gonna be amazing. I walked through yesterday. It's gonna be so great and so much fun. There's 1,400 people running. That's incredible. What you guys did was incredible. And there's more people signing up actually.

So we might be at a crazier number. And tell them there's no time limit. So if you're someone who just wants to get outdoors and get out in the sun and and see your favorite comics or Celebrities and just enjoy the Rose Bowl you can also it's like tell them about that Leanne There's a spectator only ticket you can purchase at the same link To bears 5k calm and you can just come and spectate if you want if you don't want to run you can also walk There's no time limit.

It's only, you know, 5K is only about three miles, a little over three miles, and it's flat. It's pretty flat, so. Cool. Yeah, we're excited. It's gonna be a... We're hot. What celebrities do you have booked, Leanne? Do you know any of the hot names?

Well, Jelly Roll is coming, Whitney Cummings is coming. Gosh, I'm on the spot. I don't know. I haven't looked at my spreadsheet lately. We have invites out to so many comics. We have- There's a bunch confirmed. I know. Stavi's doing it. Yes, Stavi's doing it. Thank you for filling in my brain. Yeah, no. A bunch of comics have said they're going to come do it. We may have a soft commit from a drummer from a certain band He does yeah, yeah, it does don't say anymore don't say anymore. Okay. I love you great job in a Commit soft commit got it. All right. Love you So, yeah, are you garbage guys are coming these days they're posting content of them running I love it

I love it. Well, here's the thing, because this is a- Kevin ran a lot faster than I thought. Are any of the Barstool people coming? I don't know. Because you know, Frank the Tank, I think that's his name. Yeah.

Bigger dude, knows everything about baseball. Yeah, yeah. You know, he's getting in shape. I did not know that. Yeah, he's losing weight, he's doing great. I follow his journey, I follow fucking so many people. Anyone who's losing weight, I get really into. This is one I wanna ask you, because this is what you're,

you could really birdify this right now, or you could try to be grounded. What's your 5K prediction for yourself? Okay. So we're doing new BERT, right? Yeah, new BERT. I got on the treadmill today to see how fast I could run, run a mile.

And I ran a mile in 10 minutes, but I walked at certain points. So what I was doing was running as fast as I could, getting my heart rate up, and then I'd walk. So I'd run a third of the mile and then walk a third, fourth of the mile. Run a fourth of the mile, three quarters of the mile, walk a fourth. You'd run three quarters of the mile. Yeah, okay. Run a fourth of the mile, three quarters of the mile, walk a fourth.

You'd run three quarters of the mile. Yes. Okay. And so I would like to, I would like to keep up with the pack. I know these races and I know that your adrenaline carries you through that first mile so easily. So easily, yeah. And your adrenaline is,

I'll be honest, with the whole group, you get pulled with them. But I don't wanna go through and run it and not enjoy the fun of the run. Sure. Like I wanna run with people, I wanna keep up with certain people, I wanna slow down and keep up with people,

I wanna make an event. I was actually thinking, and I don't know if it'll work because of how me and you need to host it, because I think we have to get there early and kind of organize it and talk on mic and make sure everyone's having a good time. I would like to go out with the first group and then go out again with the

celebrity group at the end. Really? Yeah. You're gonna do it twice. I was thinking I mean I can definitely run six miles but like I mean I ran a marathon with no training so I can definitely do it but uh but I want to do it as much I want to be with as many people as possible. Okay. Like I know at one point they're like why don't we just put you guys on the golf cart and you go off for the first group and and and cheer them on and stuff and I was like I was like I bet I could run that one and then run again Maybe I definitely want to run with jelly roll. Okay, and he'll be running I think in the last group Okay, so so I was thinking of going out with the fans on the first group. I think cam Haynes is in that group

I think cam Haynes I bet cam Haynes could run it every fucking heat. Well, of course he could. I bet he could. Yeah, he could do 50 and 80 mile runs. I bet Michelle Wolf could run every fucking heat. For sure. So you're not going for a time then? I'm not going to go for time. I want to enjoy it.

I'm really excited about this in that it's the way our stupid brains work, is we came up with this as a lark, and then everyone started going, this is a great idea and then Jelly fucking changed it. Jelly changed it because he said it on the Nelk Boys that I'm gonna run that 5K and all of a sudden that took off and then he started really losing weight. He's lost over 70 pounds.

Yeah, he looks great. I went to dinner with him and he was not eating rice. He was eating clean, he looks he looks great. I went to dinner with him and he was not eating rice. Yeah, he was eating clean I didn't drink he was like, yeah, you know, you know, I'm trying to get in shape and he's really doing the work That's awesome. So and then and now the People magazine wrote an article about it. They did Yeah, he is the largest artist in the country right now He lost 70 something pounds as he prepares for the 5k. I remember his first video He sent me where he was like Burt and he's covered in like dog hair

and there's crumbs on his chest and he's like, tell me this gets better. It sucks. I think it sucks by the way. So I fucking, I was training for the 5K on Thanksgiving Day and I broke my toe exactly seven weeks out and then they go to heal a broken toe, the big toe. They're like, yeah, probably four to six weeks.

It healed in six weeks, so I didn't run, because you can't run for it to heal. And I did it, and I fucking, man, I was trying to get through that, and it was adrenaline carrying me through it, but I've been training for this one, and I fucking hate it, dude. Really?

Yeah, I don't. Oh, you're gonna love the event, though. No, I think the event will be fun. I'm saying Really? Yeah I don't. Oh you're gonna love the event though. No I think the event will be fun. I'm saying like, I don't, it's not like it's a joy for me to go for a run. I may run that first one with the first group and stream it live so that people can run with us. With, okay.

So that they can go get on the treadmill at a certain time in your hometown and run it with us and I'll have my camera filming everyone running with us. That's cool. Having said that, I definitely, as I was running today, I could feel my lower back hurting and I was like, fuck man, I'm getting old.

Like, when I would run before, I never had any pain. Some of that's probably hamstrings too, you know. I'm so tight. I don't stretch, I think stretching's stupid. I don't know that it's stupid. It's stupid. Yeah, so, that it's stupid. It's stupid. Yeah, so, okay, this is a very, by the way, super grounded. I know.

I just hope to have a good time. Not the best time of my life. Just a good, old fashioned fun time. I will probably over drink and I'll notice that. Do you think you'll spend a lot of time at the after party? Are we, what bird are we at right now? What bird are we in? Cause I don't know who he is anymore. Yes, and it'll be sad. I think people will feel bad for me. Right?

Is that what you're supposed to say? People will go like, God, he's drinking too much. So you think you'll hang out? I'll have seven doubles, but I'll tell you it's four. I guess I'll have a few drinks after too to celebrate with you. Just a couple. Just a couple? Just a couple. I'll be over drinking at our event to celebrate with you. Just a couple. Just a couple? Just a couple. Dude, I'll be over drinking at our event. Sounds like we're gonna have quite the party afterwards. And I'm gonna eat a lot, and I'm gonna go hard, and my shirt will be off, and I'll be flexing my shoulders.

These are all the things that I'm, what am I? You're okay, you're good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're good. I'm trying to be honest and non-performative. Trying to be grounded. It's, really, it's, I like it. I won't wear a Rolex. Good.

I know, I'm gonna wear a Garmin, Sapphire, 6X, keep my heart rate, track all my running. Yeah, I'll track mine, I won't run. I fucking hate it. I'm gonna wear Cam Haines' shoes. Are you? His shoes are fucking awesome, he's sending me a new pair too.

I will say this, I got shoes that were sent to me, not by him, by somebody else, and I ran into them the other day And I was like, oh man, like my feet hurt me in them Yeah, this sucks So I switched to another pair such a difference when you wear one that that actually is a good fit for you There's a sweet spot for shoes like especially like if you can break them in just before a race So you still have kind of new shoes, but your foot's used to them. Yeah, that's the fucking best

It's a nice I did that when we went, when we did the marathon, I went out, I was so fucking obnoxious, of course, all on camera, and I was like, I just got brand new shoes for this, and everyone's like, you're not supposed to do that! Yeah, yeah, they do. I was like, did you guys stretch? I didn't stretch, I'm gonna take a shit on the course.

And they were like, you can't do any of this, you can't do any of this! I love tweaking those people. My favorite pair that I run with are the hot pink, like they make a white one and they ran out, so I had to get the hot pink ones. I think I'm going to wear those. What's your prediction for the 5K? Here's the thing I realized is that I did it in November.

I think I ran in 30, I think it was 32. That's really fast. 10 minute models are legit. Yeah, but that's a little over. And so I think, look, honestly, I would just like to do better than I did then. I'm trying not to make a bold prediction because your brain goes into like go for this time.

And then I'm like, nah, I should just try to do better than I did in November. Yeah, I would like to do sub 10 minute miles. Yeah, me too, but I think that's almost, I know I can run sub 10 minutes for mile one. And I know I could probably keep that going for mile two. Like dude, the endurance, I mean, I've learned so much about my fucking cardio

in this training. Oh, well you have been talking to me about like keeping your heart rate in a certain zone when you train. I didn't realize how bad my cardio was. So at first, yeah, I could run a mile fine, right? And then I'm like, oh, run in zone two, or maybe tap lightly into zone three.

That's like keeping your heart rate 135, 145. So I thought, oh, for me, that should be like 10, 10.30. Now, my heart rate cuts into like the 160s when I'm running that speed. Well, you know what I noticed, is that if I can get my heart rate up to 160, that if I push it real hard, that it does drop and lower after a while.

Well, for me, I just was like, oh, this is not gonna help me so to train I've been doing these fucking slow ass runs. We should make campaigns do a blindfolded Yeah, we should give him or one leg or something. There's gotta be a blind person to do our 5k I'm sure yeah, you should run with a bell in front of them. I think is that how you do it? Thanks. I Saw video I Didn't know what I was watching I know I showed this to you and it's a guy and his wife mm-hmm he's like go and she starts running like a fucking lunatic down the beach he's like you're doing it you're

doing it yes and she looks like a fucking lunatic and I was laughing so fucking hard I said the way she runs? She just is running like, wah, screaming. I send it to Isla and I go, look at this fucking moron. And then Isla went back, she's blind. He took her to the beach so she could feel what it's like to run. And I was like, oh, I'm such an asshole. You didn't realize that. I didn't realize she was blind and that he was allowing her

some open space to run. Allowing her? Did he keep her in a cage? No, no. No, but I would do that for Leanne. If she were blind? I don't know if I'd be a good caretaker if something happened to her. Yeah, what if she were like severely disabled tomorrow?

Like define it, like bedridden? Yeah, she needs. Okay, here's a question. This is the question. She needs care. And I'm so sorry that I interrupted. I didn't's a question. This is the question. She needs care. And I'm so sorry that I interrupted. I didn't mean to interrupt. Please finish your thought.

I think she needs, you know, she needs to be helping Fed and like, you know, she can't really get around without assistance. So like when you come home, she's like, Oh wait. Can I eat? Can I do the road still? Sure, as long as you have a caretaker at the house.

Yeah, here's a question. Push is bedridden, in a coma, doesn't look good. In a coma? In a coma. Did you guys sign a DNR? I don't remember. Do not resuscitate? Yeah, I know.

Luckily Leanne said pull the plug. She did? Yeah, she said pull the plug. Yeah, Christina's. Luckily Leanne said pull the plug. She did? Yeah, she said pull the plug. Yeah, Christine is big on that too. Don't let me just sit there all fucked up and sick. She's like just smother me, shoot me in the head or something. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. Put that online for a good promo for a tour. Just you with a pillow. And you're like guys, I'm heading back out. And then she's just like I'm taking a nap Yeah No, did you want to be kept you want to be kept alive? Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna be kept alive forever Yeah, that's right. Yeah, you actually get my blood work done every day and get me healthier. What if you're in a coma? Oh cool Work it out. Leave it. Leave me in a coma. Leave me in a coma forever.

What if it's a bird in everybody? I don't care. I made the money that's going to pay for it. It's my fucking money. Pay for me. I want you to drain your accounts, keeping me alive. Really? Fuck yes.

It's the best gift I could give them. Why? Because they have me as like a, they could come in and talk to me, hold my hand, squeeze it, if you can feel me, Bert. But you're just, the whole time. Get my teeth done. While you're out? Yeah, mine as well.

Get veneers? I want hair transplants, I want veneers. Get all the work done. Yeah. Get all the work done while I'm in a coma. That's for real, they should put that in a DNR. If they did like a facelift too, so that when you do,

your face is pulled back. I come out of a coma looking better than I did going into it. Yeah, nose job, everything. I look in the mirror and I go, wow, what have I done? Yeah, that'd be cool. Wow, look at that. No, I would tell them to pull the plug on me too. For real?

Yeah. If they told, if they're like, you're in a coma, yeah, I would just be like. Do you know what fucking wild thought I had the other day? What? I was like, I saw a video of you doing something dangerous and I was like, God, if Tom dies, I could sell this vlog, there's so much money.

Well, if I died. Yeah, but what do you mean? Your wife has the... The branding goes up. If I die. Yeah, the branding goes up Oh fuck it in memoriam bottles and oh fucking pour some out for bird pour the whole bottle out. Goodbye another one Yeah, that's we fucking okay gonna be wild. So you got excited that I was doing something dangerous. I was like, ooh Take the helmet off

Go for it Tommy Is that that I think that way though, isn't that crazy? I think morbid thoughts. Did you ever think like when you were a kid and you were like, I have a test today, I hope there's like a bomb threat or something so I can get out of it. In a weird way you'd be like,

I hope something really tragic happens so that I don't have to deal with it. Oh yeah, sometimes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I would think that all the time. Have you watched Ripley yet on Netflix? No, oh, I, no. I had so much hesitation, because I was like, oh, the movie's great.

It's a great movie. The Incredible, yeah, yeah. The Talented Mr. Ripley. And so you're like, they made a series? Like, why did you make the series? And then you watch the series, and it is, it's great. Really? The setting, the writing, the actors,

and then like it's really, there's this thing about, can you watch Breaking Bad, right? Oh, never seen it. You've never seen Breaking Bad? I hear it's good. It's really good. You're not interested? The guy from Malcolm in the Middle?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not into it. No. There's this thing in some of the Breaking Bad episodes where an episode will start and there's no dialogue for like five minutes as a story plays out but the story is playing out in what you would probably call just pure movie

making in that you're seeing it come together just in pictures, right? The car drives up, parks at the side of the road, plant something in the desert. Guy gets in the car, car drives away, another car comes, sees what was planted. You're watching something play out just in pictures without anybody talking or telling you. And by not having the distraction of dialogue and showing you all these things,

it kind of really engages you as a viewer, right? Because you're seeing the story take place. You're not being told the story. The tension builds more. And in Ripley, there's so much of that where you just see him do all these, I don't want to give away, but you see him do things and long shots of like, without tons of edits. And it's so masterfully done. It's like, I mean, it's like top tier filmmaking.

Really? Yeah. It's, it's fantastically done. I think for anybody who's- I can't watch a movie where like, say they bring in a nanny and the nanny's evil and she does bad stuff to the family. Yeah. And she's like, I can't watch any of those movies. There was a movie called The Guest.

Have you seen The Guest? The Guest, I don't know if I have seen The Guest. Type in The Guest. It's, yeah. It's it's uh, It's yeah, that's it. That's it. So I started watching the guest and it's about this guy who he goes to this house I'm butchering it he goes to this house and he's there because he served in the military with their son who passed and He ingratiates himself in the family.

And you can tell there's something evil going on. I am the person that has to stop it. I can't watch it. I just go to Wikipedia and I read what happened and I go, okay, I'm done. Really? I can't watch it. Because it's just, it bothers you.

It makes me uncomfortable to see him conniving. Like if there's conniving in a plot at all, like someone's, I get out. Well, you're gonna, you'll get so much anxiety on Ripley. For real? Yeah, I mean, did you see the movie? No, I never saw the movie. It was about Matt Damon and Philip Seymour Hoffman, right?

Well, those are two of the actors in it, yeah. Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow. Who's Ripley? It's Matt Damon. Matt Damon, so he assumes someone's identity, correct? Yeah, he's a- Immediately I'm out. Oh.

I'm uncomfortable. There was a guy we went to college with who was a liar. Yeah, I mean, Ripley's a con man. There was a guy we went to school with in freshman year who was a liar. He told you about his life. I knew a freshman liked that too, by the way. I think there's a lot of kids that go. Yeah, I'm gonna be fucking awesome Especially when you go to college your first step away from where you're from

Yeah, and he and I love this guy. He was so interesting. He spoke Portuguese he was was gonna play soccer at the at Pepperdine, but he chose to go to Florida State, and all these crazy wild stories. Like there was an earthquake that summer in LA, and he got really emotional. And then as people would talk to him, his story started to disintegrate. And my buddy, Jeff, figured it out first.

He was like, he's lying about all this shit. And I stayed friends with him, and I let him lie to me. I just liked it. I let him lie to me. I just liked it. I liked the lie. Yeah. And then I remember one time we ran into someone who spoke Portuguese and I was like, oh, he speaks Portuguese and he couldn't speak Portuguese

and I got him out of it. Oh, you did? I was like, no, no, no, no, no, it's probably a bunch of different dialects, come on, let's just leave. Like I didn't want to call him on his lies because it made me uncomfortable. And even at the very end

at the very end he Tried to apologize to me. Mm-hmm And I just was like I just don't ever want to see you again Like I don't just let let you be in my head what you were I don't even want to know start Ripley start watching it for real Yeah, I can't stand though like the con man people that fucking makes me so uncomfortable. It's very well done It's really well done. I think I think you should try it really yeah, it's so it's really really well done

That would be I wonder how fucking exhilarating it is to like and you're gonna be like You're gonna be filled with Different emotions okay, yeah newurt's gonna watch that. Okay. New Burt's gonna watch that and be uncomfortable. Do it, good. And be uncomfortable.

All right, we gotta wrap it up. I'm starving. Then we can go eat. Let's eat something. Okay, we'll eat and thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening. It's not too late to sign up for the 5K. Meet us out in Pasadena.

Have a great fucking day. Yeah. You can make it, you can run it. If you're in the surrounding areas, take the day off, have some cold drinks outside in the Rose Bowl with me, Tom. Music, food, drinks. It's gonna be a fucking blast. It's not too late, just get out there.

Everyone can walk three miles, trust me. All right, we'll see you then. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the other wears a shirt. Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top and swallows the other, wears the shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.