2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - 2 Bears Live From SXSW | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: March 24, 2025

Check out Bert's new special "Lucky" streaming on Netflix! SPONSORS: - Stop paying full-price for streaming services and only getting access to a fraction of their content. Get your money’s worth at https://EXPRESSVPN.com/CAVE. - Sponsored by Better Help. For a limited time, visit https://betterhelp.com/bears to get 90% off your first week! - Make friends and grab some merch at https://www.drinkporosos.com/ Bert and Tom take 2 Bears 1 Cave on location at SXSW, broadcasting straight from The Portal, a Por Osos sponsored party house—where the drinks are flowing, fans are mingling, and people are literally jumping off the roof into the pool. The chaos kicks off as Bert calls back to an insane AI-generated video called "Fat N-word Season," that does in fact exist. From there, they tackle the big questions in life, like what is the perfect boob size and do Black guys really not always fit all the way in during intercourse? They also get deep about comedians being forgotten in pop culture history, before immediately pivoting to Bert’s questionable SXSW outfit and how he narrowly avoided disaster with Magic Johnson. Ari Shaffir’s name comes up, Bert lays some praise on Tom for his Robert Smith costume on YMH Live X, and Tom tries to wrap his head around Bert becoming friends with Mel Gibson at a UFC event—which might just be the most Bert Kreischer thing ever. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 281 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:47 - Fat Big Word Season 00:07:07 - Perfect Size 00:14:15 - The Legacy Of Comedians 00:18:48 - Dudes Jumping Off The Roof & Ari Shaffir 00:28:16 - Bert's Outfit 00:32:29 - Magic Johnson & King's Coronation 00:38:28 - Mel Gibson 00:48:08 - YMH Live X 00:55:35 - Hunger For Touring & Hanging With Fans 01:03:22 - Bert's Death Wish Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

My new special Lucky is streaming right now on Netflix. Check it out Wait wait, oh wait, hold on our words are being streamed to the people out there. Yeah, that's a horrific idea I thought so too. Oh whose idea was this? So they're just gonna be standing there and Tom and I are gonna be talking about fucking gay booty shorts and Adobe music oh cool so it's not like a really weird EDM song okay okay yeah yeah yeah shit I almost I almost wore my new live should we start with?

I love it Can I tell you I this I listen to this is crazy I Listen to this all I listen to it too much. No, shut the fuck up. It's fat cracker season. Okay Okay, let's roll. Yo, shut the fuck up. It's fat cracker season. There he is. Well you were But you were adamant on the last pod that You're like fat n-words fat. It's my obsession. love it. I'm always playing fat n-words and I, and then you, we were doing searches for it and we- No one could find it.

No one could find it. It wasn't like a song that came up in the results of like Spotify or Apple or any of that. And by the way, they're big fans of mine, we found them. You found them? The people that run the account, they're big fans of mine. But that's AI. That's AI and it is so engaging that I gotta be honest with

You I wish it was a TV show I would follow these guys they're going to Dubai to close a new oil deal for P. Diddy baby oil Then yeah, dude, it just delivers. Can I tell you what it just delivers every time Ieezy. It's Fat Nigga Ceezy. These fat niggas just launched their own crypto on Salon. Bridge that shit nigga. Look at these fly ass fat niggas. I love my fat nigga. Besides making money, these niggas love eating small ones.

You know what the thing is, the problem with that? What? It's so catchy that it makes you think it's okay to say it. I know. You know what I mean? It's like one of those songs where you're Like everyone's having a good time Like why can't I have a good time with them? Just singing it to yourself

Yeah, because there's but I'm always afraid I'm gonna get recorded doing the worst is so shack called me up the other day He's like, you know, can you do my podcast our guest fell out? So I was like, yeah, well, Zoom. The first question he said, he goes, have you found the clip? And I played it for him, and he lost his mind. And he was like, do not say that ever. Never.

Yeah, he knows. Oh, it's so, and you know what I do is I just go up to Leann and I go, God, I love this time of year. And she go, really, what time of year is it? And I go, yo, shut the fuck up, it's Fat Crack of Season. No, you say it, Fat and Weird Season. No, no, I love this time of year. And she go, really, what time of year is it? And I go, yo, shut the fuck up. It's fat crack season. No, you say it fat and weird season. No, no, I play it, I play it. If I can have that as my ringtone.

You can. Can I get that as my ringtone? Of course. Will you set that up as my ringtone right now? Oh my God. But, let me ask you this. Oh my God. You're obsessed with this, be honest.

Okay, I'll be honest, okay. When you're alone, you actually say it, right? Nope, I have not said it yet. I have not said it yet, I swear to God. Can I just tell you something'll be okay when you're alone you actually say it right like we know I have not said it yet I have not said it yet I swear can I just tell you something I know when you're lying so it's okay you say I have not said it yet so you put on Wu-Tang Clan you go shame on anyone who tries to run game on anyone I sing the n-word yes okay that's what I was getting to don't look shocked like I just told you, your dad fucks your mom. Like, come on, it's real.

What do you, yeah, when you're singing, hey listen, I don't think you're supposed to, but I'm old school. I'm grandfathered in. I'm 52. Hip hop came out when I was a kid. And then- No, you were probably older than a kid.

No, I was a kid. I was like, I saw it on 20 20. They had it on 20 20. They were like, these blacks are dancing and singing in a whole new way. And you're like, I like this stuff. I did. I did. I saw it on 20 20.

I was like, I think I'm going to get into this. That's how you think. I found hip hop on 20 20. That's the widest way you could discover hip hop. Is that as a news magazine show. Yeah. Like there's an all new movement starting called rap. I went to Philadelphia the next summer and they had they played hip hop. They played uh Mantronix I think was the name

of the band and I was like oh John Stossel just covered this on 2020. Oh my god. And my cousins are like huh? Yeah. Baseline. But Mantronix I think song was song was Baseline and then. But the interesting is you said the song's actually it's fat N word season. Season. Not summer. Yeah. Because of Chad I think song was song was baseline and then but the interesting is you said the songs actually it's fat n-word season I'm not summer. Yeah, of Chet Hanks. Hold on. Did you see how good Chet Hanks is in this fucking TV show? No, no idea the Netflix TV show about Jeannie bus Chet Hanks plays like a loose out of control kind of he's so good Is he he's really talented? He's not tall enough to look like a basketball player

He's like a little stocky. So that pulls me out of it. But I just want to say, shout out to Chet Hanks. Remember Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, they did that movie about Jordan signing with Nike Air, I think it was called. One of the things that took me out of the movie is the actor, they don't show his face. But the guy that they clearly

he's supposed to be Michael he's like 6'1 and you're watching this thing and you're like why wouldn't you just because the whole thing is they were like we don't want to show somebody's face yeah because he's so iconic you're just gonna go that's not him so they shoot it in a way where like he walks in rooms and you're seeing like you know profiles and like the way they shot the shark in jaws kinda. Kinda, but you're like, this guy's clearly not 6'6". Why wouldn't you just, I don't understand. Yeah, all you need is 6'6 and black. That's it, 6'6 and black.

That's fucking like a diamond, that's like a fucking a blonde with big tits. They're everywhere, you know? Blondes with big tits are everywhere. Yeah, especially they're here too. That's all for you. By the way, can we just talk about where we are? Yeah.

Can we, and can we get just piping the audio for the fat and word season? Just just so they know what they're what they're in store for We just see everyone walk out I'll tell you why I like that. I'll tell you why I like that. Yeah, it is AI But I just like I love that there's they have them doing stuff that I don't think they would really, I love that they have them doing stuff that I don't think they would really do. Yeah. Like they have them snorkeling.

Yeah. I just see it and it makes me giggle. And then, but it does have them doing like legit, like fat guy stuff, fat fella stuff, where they like sit with a white chick and a cigar and a painted suit. Just like, yeah. There's this thing too that like, because there's something

where black guys can just make anything cool that they they're like the first guys to be like, nah, if you're a fat, if you're a fat motherfucker, that's cool too. Yeah. Cause like Biggie, you know, I think of like him and Big pun and fat Joe and all those guys were like, yeah, we're fat, we're fat as shit. And so what? And they were still cool. cool do you know I feel bad for about black guys

so many things but yeah what's one of what's one of the number one on the list they don't get to put all of their dick in a vagina they only can put like the first like the little beginning of it because they have big dicks not all of them I put all black eyes have big dicks. No. I gotta take you to this gym I've been going to. I was talking to Shaq and I was like you don't you'll never know what it's like to put your whole dick in a vagina and like be like and still have room. And what did he think of that? He got really shy. He was like I don't know. No he was like no mine actually fits. No he can he can only put like the head

Yeah, when you have a big dick, you can only put the head of your dick in the person Yeah, and then you just go like you have to you have to kind of like it's almost like jerking off in a vagina Sometimes in porn sometimes you watch the guy if you're like really dialed in on you watch him giving her a quarter of his dick Sometimes you're like this guy's got a hammer on him and he's not slam. He's like taking it easy on her. I don't actually, I think I'm on the, I'm changing opinions on big decks. I think I'm glad I got a pretty medium dick. Yeah. Like a medium dick is the best dick to have.

The biggest dick is the, is this best for show? That's the only reason I want a big dick is to show men is to be like at the gym, pull my dick out and be like, what do you guys think now? That's the only reason I want a big dick is to show men. Is to be like at the gym, pull my dick out and be like, what do you guys think now? Yeah, that's the only reason I want a big dick. I don't want a big dick for a woman. No. Like I don't want to take it out in the hair and go, oh, that's gonna hurt. You're like, yeah. Yeah, the one who goes, oh, that's all I've wanted, 10 inches and as big as a liquid death can.

She's so deeply traumatized like mentally, you know, her upbringing was not ideal. And she's the one who's like, that looks perfect. That's not a chick you really want to settle down mentally, you know, her upbringing was not ideal. And she's the one who's like, that looks perfect. That's not a chick you really want to settle down with, you know. You want a girl who wants a normal sized dick. I think. Yeah, I don't know. I like like Leanne's boobs are perfect. They're perfect.

Perfect. I mean, like perfect. And they're just getting better. Like, I gotta be honest with you. With age? I settled on those boobs. Like I gotta be honest with you. With age? I settled on those boobs. I gotta be damn honest with you. When I met her, I settled for her boobs. I went the boobs aren't bad. They're not bad.

They're not perfect but they're not bad. I go the ass is great, the face is, I mean, mwah. The fucking personality, home run, boobs, pretty good. Wait, you liked the personality. I loved the personality when I met her. Yeah. The, it's gotten me a lot. pretty good. But you liked the personality. I loved the personality when I met her. Yeah. I was gonna say I've heard some different opinions over the years you definitely have changed. So the tits got better the personality soured but so the

but the tits have gotten so much better. That doesn't usually happen. I know well you know what they were really perky. I wish I had video of them. They were really perky when I met her like really perc I was gonna say you can make one really really perky and then as she's and when she got pregnant They got huge and they never went down. Yeah, and they're and they've always stayed perfect now. That's great Yeah, I'm like really happy with her tits hmm That's really cool. Yeah, she's she's gotten too skinny, in my opinion. Too skinny?

Yeah. She's doing one of those, I don't know if I should talk about, but one of those, you know? Uh-huh. And, you know. And she's gotten really skinny, and I'm like, kinda liked her a little bigger.

Yeah. You really are like a black guy. Yeah. You're wearing their clothes, you want your thick woman. I want a thick woman. Just just you know, I put her in AI and I jerk off to those pictures. It's insane. That's real love. You really love her. She said this hurt her feelings but I thought it was what the right thing to say. Yeah. Cuz I showed I'll show

you the picture. I was like. She got by the way she got mad at you when you showed me a picture that was AI at that party Remember you show you like I'm gonna show Tom this a and then she jumped and grabbed the phone Yeah, I do this picture. I was like and then she goes I don't even look like that I don't jerk off to these I look jerk off the ones where you're a little bigger and she was like what? And I was like, yeah the thicker ones. Those are the ones I or when she's blonde Yeah, she looks so good blonde I mean, I I just do blonde pictures of her and go just dye your fucking hair. What are we waiting for?

Why won't you do that? She just you know, I don't know she I don't know man. That could be a nice like Anniversary gift. Yeah using Netflix without Express VPN is like being stuck with food from just one country with Express VPN You can change your location and unlock thousands of shows from over 100 countries. It works with Netflix, Disney+, BBC iPlayer and more, giving you endless streaming options. Super easy to use. Just open the app, hit a button and you're set. Stream in HD with zero buffering on any device,

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There you go. There you go. That's my plug. Where'd you shoot it? I shot it in the Mahaffey in St. Pete. Okay. And I'm touring again. I set up a new tour. I know. I know. I'm so excited. I feel like I, but I'm really at a place where I go, I realize

why I like touring. It distracted me from everything. Yeah. Right right I know when I haven't toward Tom all I do is like I've gotten crazy like crazy and so I'm like I announced a tour in the second I announced a tour I started relaxing yeah makes you feel better yeah are you doing the whole are you doing a certain region are you like is it a whole no just months or is this gonna be it's gonna be September, October, November, December. And then I have a big event planned in January, which we haven't announced yet.

We'll announce in the summer. Okay. And then I think I'm going to do a movie for a little bit and then go back on tour. Great. Yeah. Yeah. That's cool.

Okay. It's crazy, man. Being off has really made me question like, what motivates me? What do you think it is? I don't, man, I, you know, can I tell you, I think that, I wanna go back to college. I wanna go back to college when like,

I didn't have any motivation for anything, and everything was just about exploring the day, and just going like, what are we doing today? I never thought about tomorrow, I never thought about September. In college I never went like, what, I wonder what I'm gonna do September? What's my summer gonna look like?

I was always like, what's going on this weekend? That's the big fucking move. And I wanna get back to that because I feel like I'm so overwhelmed with career goals, legacy. That's the thing that's really fucking me up is I actually thought the other day I was like maybe I'll quit comedy and just go be of service to people because like what what so what you die and then people make fun of you the day you die occurs you're a comedian and then no one talks about you.

I mean we had so many friends that happens and you go okay doesn't seem like the fucking good way to go out. You really think about that? I think about that yeah. I've never thought about that? I think about that, yeah. I've never thought about that thought. Are you serious? Zero. Zero percent.

Zero. Zero percent have I ever thought about. You don't think it's sad to think that like, so Ralphie just died and he was a great comic, but no one talks about him. Right. Yeah, it's just the way it goes. Greg Giraldo is dead. His kid's doing comedy.

No one, no one ever like mentioned it's just a great guy goes. Greg Geraldo is dead. His kids doing comedy. No one no one ever like mentions It's just a great guy Greg was and what a great comic he was how talented he was. No, no one brings it up Well a few people that's the yeah. Yeah, George Harlan died and I would say most people 35 and under That name doesn't even ring a bell. No, it's just the way it goes If you ask Peter who George Harlan is he go is he working right now? Yeah. Yeah, you really think you wouldn't know 35 and under, that name doesn't even ring a bell. No. It's just the way it goes. If you ask Peter who George Carlin is, he'd go, is he working right now?

Yeah. Yeah. You really think he wouldn't know? Peter wouldn't know. Did you know who he was? You did know. From what, your parents? You just knew yourself?

Yeah. Most people, I was asking Tanner off camera. Most people I think, I would think don't know. So then, so then what's the goal? So like- So you want to be like- No, no, no. I want none of it to matter to me. That's what I want. I don't want to try to make myself Live on carry on a legacy or or be important to the world any of that

I don't want any of that. Yeah, but I just want to genuinely not want it. Does that make sense? Like I wanted to genuinely not care and go care about your leg is like so like what if I just was like Like my grandmother didn't give a fuck she just died right yeah And then she died and then she just knew that we'd always talk about her Yeah, we're like cool, but she just she just did good things around the community and she was like a good person I was like, okay I don't want to think on the larger scale what I want to do is get to a place where I was in high college where I just thought about the end of the day And thought that's how I lived in the moment and I'm not living in the moment and I've been off for so long

I'm living less and less in the moment every fucking day Okay, so yeah, so that's my goal is to get to get back to a place where I just it seems attainable man I know I'm in a lot of therapy right now. Are you I mean doubles? I fucking doubles therapy and single therapy? Yeah, it's like all I do is talk about fucking things. Well, he seems like real therapy thoughts Yeah, I know but do you feel good about it? You know what's crazy is I'm happier than I've ever been in my entire life Yeah, I really am. I really am the girls are Self-sustainable they're having a fucking blast. I love my job, I love what I do.

I love my wife, I love my house, I love everything. I want for nothing, except I don't wanna think about tomorrow, I just wanna think about right now and I'm not there yet. Oh, I got it. Once you get to that place where you can be super present about today, that's the goal. But if you're working on that, I bet you can get there.

I'm trying so hard. I'm thinking about, do you think if you take SSRIs, do you think that it makes you just a little happier? So I'm not depressed, but I wouldn't mind being a little happier. I don't know, I've never been on them, so I wouldn't know. Is your SSRIs? SSRIs.

Okay, were you depressed? Uh, yeah. Okay, well you don't count. Was I depressed? Yeah. Were you depressed when you got on them? No, did it make you a little happier? Really

Are there any great men on SSSRIs? Great men? He wants to think of innovators and world leaders that are. Kim Jong-un. Yeah. Openly. That would be a thing if they put Kim Jong-un on SSSRIs. It's just two S's.

SSS. SSS. Yeah. SSRIs. SSRIs. Yeah. Did I just develop a lisp in the middle of this? Yeah, you did. SS SS SS yeah SS our SS our eyes yeah Just develop a list in the middle. Yeah, you did SS our eyes. Yeah Kingman's bod Where's I go? Can we talk about where we are real quick? Yeah, we didn't get to that. God. He's look at him He's fucking jacked. Yeah shit. I

Saw that lean she's like whoa So we're at a chick with red hair You what I never dated a chick with red hair. You what? I never dated a chick with red hair. Never? No, never. Did you ever sleep with one?

No, never, never, never. Why? Never. I regret it now. You can still do it. Have her dye her hair red. Did I ever tell you the time? This is such a good story.

I like how you whispered like we're not on mic. What's the matter? You just jumped from the roof. Kingman did? Jesus Christ. Is this a prank? Such a good story. I like how you whispered like we're not on mic What's matter? Kingman did she's are you this is a prank. Is there someone's dick and balls present? No, no, no, there's that Look at that psycho Jesus Christ We have insurance right? Okay, so we're on the roof. Okay, we're on the roof of a place Ari was with me oddly enough. It was the week before he drugged me. Do you see the whole thing about that too?

What? Like that whole thing online about how that's a bit, it was made up. You never seen that? No. Is that even live? Yeah. Yeah. You didn't see it for real? No. You know.

It's like, it's pretty like, somebody goes, come on, and then he goes, no, it's a whole bit we did pretty like there's somebody goes come on and then he goes no It's a whole bit we did like already tells that it's a whole bit. Yeah, I don't really He's a fun guy to have in your life So that's not a bit I almost called you to be like wait this is a bit It's why I told it really well, this is a bit, that's why I don't. He sold it really well. You're a fucking asshole too. Let me tell you this, what you did. You, you with fucking Jay Okerson, I saw a clip where he's like, uh, he's like, everybody says that, oh yeah, everyone's critiquing every part of my personality. And then you're like, Tom's a fucking Ari's

a girl. I'm like, yo, it was right at, you caught us stray. You caught us stray. Thank you. It was, you caught us stray. That you. You caught us stray, that was unfair. It was a day after you go, you know, I actually find myself not interested in what people say, but I'd like to be interested. Then you're like, Tom's a fucking, speak up motherfucker. I'm like, what?

Hold on, hold on, two things, two things, okay? Don't let me forget the, okay, fuck the story. Anyway, so I went to dinner. I can't really say names, but I but I can say names of you edit them out Okay, he just did it again I got the worst seat in the house People are watching this people are jumping off buildings behind me. It's kind of cool and they're like stop talking. I want to watch it It looks good

It's came in doing it for the camera. I don't know why he's doing it, but he's having fun. It seems in it for the camera? I don't know why he's doing it but he's having fun. It seems somewhat high risk. If you don't know by now this is me and Tommy's vodka. It's called Porosos for the Bears and we want you to make friends. There's nothing better than having a best friend that you can share secrets with, share a cocktail with and you're gonna love this vodka. It's got a smooth taste, a beautiful finish and we taste tested a hundred different vodkas and landed on this one mutually. And we were not wrong. We have won two huge awards, USA Spirits 2024 gold medal and the Tasting Alliance 2024 double gold medal.

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I went to dinner with, I went to dinner the other night with a mom who, so I had two dinners, but I'm gonna tell you the one that's safe. I'm gonna tell you the one that's safe. Back to back dinners? Yeah, but you have two dinners. The mom wouldn't shut the fuck up, okay?

She was, she just was talkative. Everything was about her, but it was really enjoyable. And I thought it was nice to have the heat off of me for a minute. Sure. I was like, and Leanne was like, man, she would not stop talking. I go, but hang on. Didn't you enjoy it? She goes, I go what she goes, she drove conversation. She orchestrated our event or evening was she took care of all of our we didn't have to do anything. We just sat and drank and giggled. Yeah.

And I and she goes, well, I guess if you look at it that way, I go, that's the way I look at it because what that lady did is she provided a service and she put herself out there. She said wild **** wild **** the I mean like, do you know why all the all the kids are gay these days and I was like, boom, I love this woman. I love when reckless talk. I love it and especially she doesn't even know me and she's saying like that I go this woman provided a very valuable service so next night I gotta say this and and edit the names out we go to dinner with uh yeah

you know that is yeah okay we're with a bunch of people but he's okay. Clean it up cuz I don't want this I don't want this to sound bad and he held court and he talked. That makes sense. And it was so fucking enjoyable and I looked at Leann and after she got my perspective I said no you know I go babe you know if he wasn't at this table I'd be doing that. I would be orchestrating conversation. I would be Almost like holding court. I go but isn't it nice to just sit back and allow someone to do that and and almost say Thank you, and she was like god damn it. You're right. I want to be on the night I was like dude. Thank you so much for just being you you're great American storyteller And it was fucking fun having dinner with you, and he was like well

Thank you, and I and I thought you know there are there there every personality is needed and I'll tell you what I did No, that's true. That is true I was really fascinated at how enjoyable it was to sit back and listen Would he tell stories or just like fucking stories stories great fucking stories? Oh, I mean, yeah And I was like, yeah, and you know the person I'm editing them. I'm sitting And I was like, yeah, and you know the person I'm editing name. I'm sitting And he's fucking enamored and watching and was like, I mean the guy fucking held court Yeah, and it was like so fucking enjoyable. So I was like everyone needs to pay attention sometimes just cuz Ari can never hold court Just because he's got a like a six personality, right and that's and that's for a famous person. That's crazy, right? Yeah

He shouldn't be upset that he's sitting next to what fucking 11 right right who is a masterful. Yes. He doing it again That looks like a little Phillip. That's Phillip It looks like a woman. That's Phillip Lee All I saw were the legs I was like nice legs. So they're all jumping off the, this is cool. This is how you break your heels everybody. Yeah, that could be a fucking rat. I would love if there was an accident. No, I joke about Ari, but like it is interesting. There's needs for every personality. And just because you're Leanne and maybe you can't like orchestrate an evening and hold court. Would she ever hold court? Never. And she's chastised me for it before.

We go to a dinner date with two of her friends and they're fucking lunatics. Sidebar, both Scientologists. And so I just talk. I fucking filled the, I filled the dead air, right? Yeah. And I go that was fun. She goes well you didn't let them talk at all and I went well yeah but they're lunatics. Yeah. I go wouldn't you rather me just make sure no one said crazy shit? Wouldn't you, wouldn't you mind me metic make sure no one said crazy shit when you when you mind me? Meticulously orchestrating the night so that we don't get into hey, why are you guys Scientologists? And then she's like, yeah She's like she's like well, I'm just saying sometimes it's nice to let other people talk I went cool. We go to dinner with him again, and I'm fucking you know what I'm gonna be old fucking Anne Frank

Not Anne Frank Helen Keller. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll be a Frank to just be a little quiet. I'll be Anne Frank, not Anne Frank, Helen Keller. Helen Keller. I'll be Anne Frank too, just be real quiet. I'll be Anne Frank. I'll be Anne Frank as fuck. Fucking don't open the door. And fucking, and I let them talk. And you know what they did? They fucking unraveled. Unraveled, started questioning our religion.

We get done, we have not talked to them since. I go, so what was the, so I'm sorry, what night was more fun? And Leann goes, well obviously the night you talked. And I went, yeah, yeah! You're making a good case for yourself here, okay? I'm gonna fucking, I'm in a really good mood today. Yeah, I see, I mean the outfit looks like

it's a good mood too. Yeah, it's a. Where'd you get that? I bought it in Las Vegas. I didn't look at the price tag and I really regret that. I looked at the price tag today as I was unboxing it and and it was a little pricier than I imagined. Really? Ever paying for anything. For anything? Anything. Where'd you get it? I don't know.

I got drunk in Vegas. It's like a cool like a cool gay... Well hold on, I'm not a bad thing. I'm thinking like a cool rich rich, gay guy in Palm Springs who has kind of like a cool estate. Yes, it's perfect for this house. Yeah, it is. We still didn't talk about the house. Okay, we'll talk about the house. Let's put a pin in that. Hold on. Can I tell you what I got into? I'm going to need to show you these so you can understand them. So I have a problem with underwear, okay? I've always had a problem with underwear. Here's my problem is if it's boxer briefs, I feel like I'm putting on too many clothes. So I got clothes under my clothes and then I get claustrophobic If it's underwear, I feel like it just smashes my dick and balls

I kind of want my dick and balls away from everything. That's why I don't wear underwear Well Leanne found a solve and I got to show them to you. There's so I'll show them to you what they look like on Amazon They are of course, I don't have fucking glasses. Yeah, they are your orders. Not the best Wi Fi here. They are ultimately gay men underwear. Okay. So they have they're like silk. Yeah, they're see they do like that. They're see through. Oh, they're see're like silk Yeah, they do like that their see-through other see-through their silk almost wore a pair and I and And they have a hole like this size in the underwear and then they have a pouch out there for your nuts This you put your dick and balls through so it kind of shoves it front and forward and then it sits in this pouch so it looks like you have a fucking wad of cock and because it but it's your dick

and balls and I'll show you what I look like in them because I cannot take I look so fucking good you know the name of the brand I don't know the name of the brand but this is what it's on you got it on Amazon look at this look at this yeah those are gay can gay. Can you see those? Can you see them? You see the dick? And you see the dick? Imagine what your shit would look like in these, any.

Oh, fucking those like, are they comfortable? They are so comfortable because it keeps your dick and balls. I'll order them. They're so comfortable. And I tell you what, dude, I get hard for no reason at all like I'm just sitting there I was on the plane with Leanna was wearing on the plane And I just was like I thought about what my dick was touching and I was like boom rock hard I get hard on every flight. It's testosterone. I think no it's flying for real. Yeah, you just that into aviation No, I read about it. I do like aviation

It's like this you lose your inhibitions because you're not in control and it happens to a lot of people like I just I get Like a 50 shades of gray flyer Oh, I almost busted not sitting there sometimes just like what just cuz you lose control where flight attendants like sir I need your seat upright and Tom's like yeah upright. I'll put it up right dude I also tell me my seat belts not tight enough I've also fallen asleep had like a near wet dream experience on a flight woken up and had a male flight attendant being like do you have a good nap like just staring at my dick yeah dude we gotta turn this into a challenge wait what's this brand I want to know the brand okay I pulled

up on on they're really fucking. And we still have not said where we are. Holy shit. We are at, hold on. It's South by Southwest. We're in Austin. We're at the poor Osos portal house. This is like an invite only experience where we've invited a bunch of people.

We have NADC burgers here. We have a DJ. We have giveaways. There's porosos everywhere and people just having a good time. It's been, we just got here like 30 minutes ago, but it's been super fun. It's been going off. And it's going to go off for the next few days, I think, right? Doesn't it like through the weekend or something? I kind of wish I was staying. I got to go to Palm Springs tomorrow.

To return that fucking outfit or what? No, I'm going to keep it. to return that fucking outfit or what? It's loading it's loading do you can I tell you what I did? Yeah You want to talk about dodging a fucking bullet? Yeah, I saw a picture of Magic Johnson on on Instagram you almost fucked him and I was like, no, I was like, oh I got a similar picture with me and TI I say, you know I'm gonna do I'm gonna screen grab this picture and then I'm gonna I'm gonna Photoshop it and make it look like Magic Johnson and I were on vacation with magic with TI and this guy right? Uh-huh.

And I wrote I posted I went to post it and I said missing you guys and then I sent it to my team and I was like hey post that and I got a text back maybe you should have read Magic Johnson's post oh yeah his friend had just passed away and I had screen grabbed it Photoshopped myself into it it said in memoriam and I was like huh do you know how fucking horrible it would have been if I had posted missing you guys? And it's Magic Johnson with his friend's wife who passed away and me and TI and fucking Fluffy not fluffy. Lucky. What's not lucky? What's her skin? It was Buffy. Pimp. Bony. Bony. What's TI's wife's name?

Come on, Eni? Tiny. Tiny. God damn it. Yeah T.I.'s wife's name. Woo my name out your mouth, Burt Kreischer. That's a good impression of her, man. Wow. I just did the, I did an interview for my UK shows, and I had a total brain fart, where I was doing an interview with a radio show in Belfast

and I was like oh the last time I went to Ireland it was on the days of the King's coronation. Oh yeah I remember that. So like there's no way you could duplicate this experience. Like it happens when it happens. I happened to be but what I forget is that that day I was in Dublin. I wasn't in Belfast. And so I tell these radio they're like all happy I was like, yeah, so I went up there. And I go this it was magical. I got on stage and the first thing I said

on the day of the King's coronation was fuck the king. And the place went. They went into song this. Yeah, I didn't know We were able to Around I have it on video turn around to my guys. I was like and they started singing I was like, oh, maybe they're not even gonna stop singing. Yeah, I'm looking at these three guys I'm telling this story and they're all like And they're like, yeah, this is Belfast like We're not Dublin. This is Northern Ireland. A lot of people support the king. I was like,

oh, you could, I go, you can cut this out of the interview because they were like, yeah, a lot of people here would don't like that. And I was like, sorry. And they were like, anyway, go see Tom show. I was like, I probably should have thought about this before I spoke. They didn't like it, dude. They didn't like it at all Wait is the King King Charles? Yeah. Yeah, it was his coronation day when I was there last. Oh wow Yeah, but it's a different reception in Dublin than in Belfast Man, I remember when Charles and Diana got married you do what were you like 30? No, I was a kid It was a big fucking deal. There's a huge deal. It was a big fucking

deal. I mean, she was like so fucking hot. It's crazy to think she's been dead forever. She's been dead as long. She's been dead longer than I've been doing comedy. Yeah. I mean, when was that death? It was in the 90s, right? Yeah. That's what I want. That's what I want. That's what I want. Nope. That's what I want. Okay, I just realized what I want. I wanna die and I want people to say, do you remember where you were when Bert died? Oh my God. That's what I want. That's what I'm looking for in life.

Oh, there's an ass behind you now. A thong. Jesus Christ. A thong? Wait, a thong? A thong, yeah. A woman's ass just appeared in our face hers He knows he knows who we're looking at now. I can't get hard dicks in this outfit

Can't you get those underwear on or anything? Oh Man, no, I don't if I did I would fucking be in that pool in those underwear. Just raw dogging bitches Just Can you imagine can you imagine can you imagine taking your sexual skills now? You get pretty in your own place, right? Yeah. It's like you do your thing. You and Push, when you guys have sex, you kind of do your thing, right?

Can you imagine taking that to a stranger and doing that with a stranger? And how they would react? How they would react if you're like, okay. Yeah Wow, I imagine if you took this you That type works your skill set now and put it in 18 year old Bert and let him have sex with someone Back then with who you are now, dude. That's not a bad idea. Well, it's an impossible idea I'll just go back and fuck all the chicks you fucked.

Right, but with your current day approach. Oh, with my skillset now? Yeah. With my skillset now, where if I get a little drunk because of the testosterone, I can't come forever? Dude, there's times, the other night, by the way, I don't care that I'm sharing this, the other night, I gave Leanna Rogasm,

and then she was like, I do not think it's gonna happen for you tonight. And I went, I think you're right. And I just went to bed. Really? Yeah, I was like, we were in Vegas. Your sensitivity changed? No, if I drink a little bit because of the testosterone,

I can't come at all. The two of those is the reason? Either that or I'm gay, I don't know. It's one of the two. It changed for whatever reason, like, alas forever. What was Mel Gibson like? Okay. So I told this to Joe and I didn't know if Joe...

Because you know, there's parts of my personality that I overshare, but they're real. And I can't believe that other people don't think this way. I shared it with Joe and I looked at Joe's face and he was a little bit like What the fuck is wrong with you? Yeah. Well just to put it in perspective for people you're in Vegas. I'm in Vegas Well, it starts with we get an a call from Dana or not a call You know he reaches out and says would you come to powerslap? Yeah, and so I was like, of course I want to take Leanne. He says it's so funny. He said I got a plus one for you and I go immediately It's Leanne. That's why I want to take I don't want to take out one of my friends. I'm gonna take Leanne

I want to see the look on her face when she watches people get knocked unconscious. Yeah, like that's my person. So So we accept thing and then Joe reaches out and he's like, you know If you're gonna be there watch come to UFC and I was like cool and then he's like he goes I got tickets But Dana's got better tickets. So I'll set you up with UFC people. So I'm like, cool, I go, Liam, we're going to UFC also. She's like, nice, I go, it's gonna be fucking fun. Get on the plane, JSX. Theo walks over.

I mean, we spent the fucking weekend with Theo, really, honestly. It was a triple date. Theo walks in and he's, I cannot express how funny he is just in private. Like he said, I texted him at the end of the week I said man I had so much fun with you and he goes you're my favorite person to make laugh He goes you laugh so good and so we And he says you know Mel Gibson sitting behind us and I was like what and he was like he's on our flight He goes I think so because I'm I met him a couple times. I'll see if I can introduce us and so

So, I met him a couple times. I'll see if I can introduce us. And so, we get on the plane, Mel Gibson's sitting next to me on the plane. It's me, Leann, and Mel Gibson in the single seat. And I'm like, okay, play it cool. But you know me, and I don't give a fuck what you think about me, but I can't help but not want to meet a famous person.

And it is the same way that you see a guy driving through the streets at three in the morning looking for a hookerer and he's like, I can't help myself, man. This is what I do. Or the way a girl's sucking guy's dick behind a dumpster and he's like, give me coke, right? Give me coke.

That's what I'm around, famous people. I don't get it. And if I've been drinking, I cannot shut the fuck up. So I am, Leann is, do not say anything. Do not make this a long flight for him. Do not say anything before takeoff. Don't say anything in the air if you say anything it's got to be when we land just like a

Always do this to a celebrity it always works. You're an absolute legend and you just walk away. That's it. Just you're an absolute legend that's all I'm gonna say we land flight attendant comes over and Comes up because I'm such a huge fan to me Well, Gibson's like who the fuck's this guy? She's like you have no idea. I mean two bears is my favorite. I listen to it all the time Your special Razzle dazzle was so good the your last bit in that and I'm like nice nice nice nice

So what are you doing now? I'm like, I'm like, I don't want to say Dana or Joe's name not name-dropping so but I go we're coming out for the UFC fight. And Mel Gibson's just like, so what do you do? And I was like, nice. I'm like fucking hook, line and sinker. And I was like, I'm friends with Joe Rogan. God damn it, what the fuck did I say? No, I didn't say that.

I was like, oh, I'm a comedian. We're going out. I did say Dana's name. I said Dana invited us out to slap fight. And then I said, we're going to UFC the next day. And he was like, oh, I'm a comedian. We're going out. I did say Dana's name. I said Dana invited us out to Slap Fight. And then I said, we're going to UFC the next day. And he was like, yeah. And then I was like, dude, I just got to tell you, you're a fucking absolute legend.

I said, I'm a ride or die Mel Gibson fan. I have always been. You're my favorite filmmaker. You're fucking so great. And he was like, well, thank you very much. He was, maybe I'll see you at UFC. And I said, yeah. And so then we get to UFC.

And I'm sitting in the front. Me, Theo Leanne, Taylor LeWan, Max Crosby, Mario Lopez, Taylor Sheridan. It's like a wild fever dream. Mark Zuckerberg is sitting in front of us and fucking Mel Gibson walks by. Walks by everyone, looks at me, goes, hey, what's up buddy?

Shakes my hand, I'm like, shut the fuck up. Max Crosby and Taylor are like, you know Mel Gibson? And I was like, we're getting a picture. We're getting a picture. I go gentlemen. This is what I'm good at So we fucking we I perfect. I mean right before the main right for the main event happens I grab all of them. I go come on guys. I walk over I get down I go mr Gibson the boys and I would love if we could take a picture with you, but we totally understand he goes no fuck Yeah, let's do it. No, Kim stands up Taylor shared and I'm like Taylor get in here I should have grabbed Mark Zuckerberg

that was the missed out but then I got drunk and I fucking creeped him out. You did? Yeah. What'd you say to him? I don't know let me see your watch. Yeah he's gotten really into it. It's a $600,000 watch. Every day it's a new one it's pretty awesome.

He's got he's got pretty crazy swag like he and he was cool. He was cool I was with that pivot for him of being like a pivot of he was like weird robot Autistic guy. Yeah, and now he's like I do jiu-jitsu aware gold chains and diamonds. He had holy grail Diamond necklace on that was kind of fucking sick. Yeah with Dana the whole time Yeah, I guess the best jujitsu guy in the world came up and was talking to him I don't know Mark Zuckerberg was pretty fucking cool. I gotta be honest with you who Ryan. I don't know Okay, is that his name? I mean, yeah, hey, no, they hang on a

Canoe something okay. I don't know that guy but know that guy. But it was a really epic fucking night. Like we had... Dude, if you are interested in like directing or filmmaking, the must is Apocalypto. Apocalypto is the greatest. It's so fucking amazing. It does not get talked about enough. If you've never seen it

Mel Gibson directed this movie is not in it. Just he directed it and there's no dialogue and it's an Epic so you're watching epic storytelling without people speaking that is so compelling It's all about all none of them had acted in it. They're not actors. Yeah, and they're amazing in it. They're amazing Yeah, apocalyptos, just the fucking greatest. But yeah, it was a crazy, crazy, crazy fucking night at UFC. But the funniest is, and I always say this, I'm really lucky that I have funny friends, but I have funny friends that to me are funnier

than other people think. I always say that about you like I don't Know why people like you yeah, you always say that because but I like you. I know what makes me like you That's what you always say the funniest part of you doesn't get shown To to to like the funniest part of you sometimes I don't see it in your stand-up the funniest part of you like the thing about you that I that endears me to you and the thing about you that endears me to you and the thing about Theo, he basically did a private show for me in my ear. He wasn't talking to anyone else. I could not stop fucking laughing. At one point, the guys got the other guy in a fucking choke hold pressed up against

the guys got the other guy in a fucking choke hold pressed up against the Up against the chain and we're in the front row He were like five feet from him and I looked at the guy and I go you got this big guy and Theo started making fun of me and then the whole time anytime someone got pressed up He would communicate to them making fun of me at one point He goes rumor has it this next guy's Elliot, and I was like just I was crying laughing He's so funny. He's so funny. We had such references are his references are like from another planet I laughed I laughed the whole time I laughed the whole time and then and then I got it at the end of the last fight. I got a

text from Someone on my team and they're like, they're like, you and Theo have been on camera the entire fucking fight. And I was like, for real? I have no idea if I was picking my nose, if I was eating it. I don't know if I was drinking too much. I don't know what I was doing. I have no recollection of like any of that.

All I know is that if my recollection was just me leaning over to Theo the whole time, I didn't talk to Leanne once. I laughed the whole fucking event. Yeah, that's awesome. It's a fun night. It's crazy though, I said to Theo at the end, I go, so what are you gonna do? So it's interesting to have friends like this, where he goes, I don't know. I said, what do you mean? I go like, you go home tomorrow? And he goes, I don't know. Where will I go? He's like, I might just stay in Vegas.

He doesn't have any family, he doesn't have any kids. He can go to anywhere he wants, he's got tons of money. Makes you fantasize, huh? I literally was like, my fucking whole month is planned out. Oh yeah. Like I come here, I leave from here to go to LA, Leann picks me up at LAX, we go to Palm Springs. I go to Palm Springs for two days,

I then fly back to here to do Joe on Monday, I then fly back to LA to do Kimmel on Tuesday, I then fly out to Palm Springs. I go to Palm Springs for two days. I then fly back to here to do Joe on Monday I then fly back to LA to do Kimmel on Tuesday. I then fly out to New York I mean like every day is planned for me. Yeah, the way that he just looked at it He goes, I don't know. Maybe I'll sleep in tomorrow might go for a walk And I was like really I go where you going after this he goes. I'll figure out tomorrow. Maybe I'll go to Nashville. I Was like really I go just does what he wants I was like that's gotta be insane. It could be when you're when you have kids Yeah, and you're like if you know if you left your family like I could it would be so easy right now

Yeah, just leave Leanne. Yeah, the girls are gone. I'm not doing notice. I could not even tell them They wouldn't even notice. Yeah, just I still text with them. No. No, I'm downstairs. Oh, my mom's crazy. Don't listen Yeah, just I still text with them. No, no, I'm downstairs. Oh mom's crazy. Don't listen Yeah, you could get away with it man, I guess I'll start drinking That's cool. Are you gonna drink today? I've already been drinking. Oh for real. Yeah nice What does your day look like today? How long you gonna be here for? a little while after this then go home and like you I have things a little while after this then go home and like you I have things Completely scheduled all the time all the time. I have I thought that was really Robert Smith

Wasn't that I thought that was really Robert Smith. I really like I said, oh fucking I said to Leanne I go how cool is it like our jobs are cool But the access we get to like meeting people that are our heroes and I know that she was a big cure fan. Yeah, I go that is so cool that that they got I get so many spam calls. Yeah. Yeah, it happens to all of us. You can find that underwear out. Oh yeah. Hang on. Um but I'm like that's so cool and then Leanne goes baby that's Tom. It's really nuts, the way that it came together. It's really crazy. What?

Tell me. The way that, so I brought in Chris and Michaela, who did hair and makeup on my series. It's called Zonba, Zonbalon. Let me see. Zonbalon. That's the name of it, Zonbalon. Zonbalon.

Pouch underwear. Oh, yeah, for sure. It's for gay dudes. But I brought the people who did hair and makeup for the series. And we just gave them this photo of Robert Smith. And then they just transformed me like shave me he got the wig Chris did Chris Clark and then Michaela did the makeup and it was like it was pretty spot on. It looks it looked. Can I tell you that's what,

if you're a young podcaster and you're listening to this, and I know that sometimes young podcasters will listen to other podcasts, I listen to people's podcasts, but there's one thing I think you've done really well in this business is you have created a community, like a legit community of fans, where you guys all have similar senses of humor,

and it's all inside jokes. It's really like a family. And I think it's so cool. I actually said to myself, apart from being a part of Two Bears, I don't really have that. Like with Birdcast, like the other day I was like, maybe I'll just quit podcasting, just Two Bears.

I was like, you know what, I'll just cancel everything. know, there's a magical moment that happened on the show too, which is that we had this guy, Tony John, the guy who's Tony Johns. I always fucked that up. How he's all he's like this, you know, wild dude, who's like, I like blowing bitches backs out and shit. He was working at Lowe's a long time. He got fired. And we brought him and we did like a bachelor style show. And then he started posting online that he wants to get into the adult industry and be a male performer. Yeah. And he tagged in a video, Alexis Fox. And then during the podcast, Alexis Fox was watching and called in and was like, I'll do a scene with him. And then we got to tell him live

that she said yes, and he was he's working at Walmart. He's like, fuck, yeah, I'll do a scene with him and then we got to tell him live that she said yes, and he would he's working at Walmart He's like fuck. Yeah, I'll just leave Walmart. So he's quit his job He's just like I want to I'm gonna be an adult performer and this is like coming together now that happened live on the show Oh, wow, so it was pretty crazy I think see I think you know It's like when I look at the YMH lives and it seems to me that you guys are investing a lot of money into it. That was it doesn't seem like a cash grab. It's it costs a fortune to put that one on.

But I think that's what's cool about that is it's almost like making a TV show just for your fans. Just for a special audience. Can I tell you what I was thinking about doing? Because I always I just always play with the idea of doing something different with broadcast. Yeah. Is we've been doing a lot of bands lately, but I was like, what if I just made a 22 minute version of Birdcast and put it online? And that was it.

Just a TV show. It's like the highlights of the interview. And then I just put the full interview behind a Patreon. So if you really want to get it, you can get it. But like, because I was like, I don't know. The cooking show I enjoy, but I'm not doing a community. And that's what I- It's not a bad idea. It's it's I'm just like, I think you never too late to reinvent what you're making.

I totally agree. I totally agree. And I think it's what is going to be special about your TV show. It was special about your TV show is I think you are making it. You're doing the same thing. You're making it for your fans. Yeah. I mean, it goes a little beyond that. I think we're going to bring in new people, but it's it's incredible production value. Everything is cinematic. The stories are completely insane. It's wild stories. So it's a lot of fun. I think we're gonna have something pretty unique. I think it's a cool thing that we're doing with the 2Bearers 5K is that it does create

a community. The cool thing about podcasting is it allows you to have imaginary conversations with people you don't really talk to, but you feel like you know them personally. And like I was doing that, I was doing that today on the treadmill. I was like talking to our fans. And I was like, what do you guys,

like I was like, what do you guys think? Do you think I can run a sub-30? And they were like, in my head I was at a bar, and I was like, and they're like, oh, you can do anything, man, you can definitely do it. Do you have a goal time for the 5K? No, so today I got on the treadmill and I was like, I wonder how fast, what's the fastest mile I can do?

So I said, I'm not gonna run the whole thing. One mile? One mile. And then I'm gonna judge it off that. I said, you know what, better that, I'm gonna do a half a mile, do the fastest half a mile I can do? So I said I'm not going to run the whole thing. One mile? One mile. Okay. And then I'm going to judge it off that. I said, you know what, better that. I'm going to do a half a mile. Do the fastest half a mile I can do and then I can judge it off that because I know if I can't last, at a half a mile I'll be like, I couldn't have lasted for that.

So I did a half a mile and I went down and the comfortable pace for me was a seven minute mile or no, no, no, I'm sorry. Comfortable pace for me was seven miles per per hour which is I think translates into an 8 8 minute and 47 second mile which is still not that impressive Oh, I mean you're like 27 minutes is not impressive But aren't you like to? For To something 245 to 45 okay if you did that at 245 that'd be that's pretty

impressive actually yeah like I fuck man I really hate running and I've been doing it more just trying to get myself in the running mindset for this thing my goal is just to do something like you you okay? I would not, I don't think I can run a 24 minute five-day. Twenty-four minute mile is impossible. I mean, not impossible, but it's like, you got to really, the whole thing is your heart rate. Your whole thing is your heart rate, getting your heart rate to a manageable level. Because if your heart rate's at, you can't keep your heart rate at 160 for fucking 26 minutes.

It's a lot. It's a lot. You know the worst part, by the way, I didn't tell you this about Robert Smith thing for YS Live? Weeks before we were entertaining this idea and I was just like looking at Robert Smith on the podcast, I was like, man, this guy looks like a fucking bag of shit. He looks terrible. And then when I became Robert Smith, everyone was like, you look exactly like him. like you are a dead ringer That looks like hot shit you've been shaving your beard a lot lately. No is both times it was for something I know but it's it's kind of crazy is that I've never I'm I have not shaved my beard. This is the shortest. I've made it in a long time This is at least for me

Like when there's some some growth, I'm a little more comfortable being myself. When it's fresh baby shaves, I cannot stand it. What's interesting about you and Christina is that you guys don't mind hair and makeup. What do you mean? You guys almost enjoy like putting on costumes. I'm not really that big into it, honestly. No, but like you do it.

And by the way, it's like, if you put me in a costume, you see a different side of me where I'm very uncomfortable. You are, you more comfortable just. I'm more comfortable as me. Shirtless. Shirtless, 100% shirtless. Yeah.

Do you think I'll do my next special with a shirt? We've discussed this before. I know, but I'm thinking about my last special. Yeah. It'll be my last special. Your last special will be your last special? The next special will be my last one, I think. The one after Lucky? Yeah, the'll be my last special your last special will be your last special the next special will be my last one I think the one after lucky the other one after lucky. I think it's gonna be my last special

forever Yeah, maybe yeah, maybe maybe why is that? Why I don't know I was thinking about it. I was like I was like what am I what am I doing? I just don't want to I don't know. It's like there's a lot that goes into releasing a special Yeah and it's a lot that does make is starting to make me uncomfortable about doing this much press and going out and hitting all the outlets. And then, I don't know, I used to enjoy it a lot and then as I was promoting Lucky, I

just started being like, I don't know man, the last thing I want to do is talk about like, how do you think this is going to pair against your other ones? Where do you get your material? What do your kids watch your material? Does your wife ever get mad at you? You really go hard on your wife, this one. And so I was like, what if I just go, it's like, you know what?

I just did one more special. I do it in a suit and tie. That'd be cool. And I fucking go, this is my last special. And then just, and just, you know, also the other thing is like, walk away from the game when the game still wants you. Yeah.

You know, it's like, I don't wanna be like, Begging for one? 60 years old going like, fucking Hulu won't call me back. Yeah, yeah. I don't think that's gonna help a relationship with Hulu. My sister works there, I should be fine. Okay, all right. No, but you know what I mean? I do know what you mean. Walk away from the game when the game still wants you.

Yeah. You know, like how long how much longer are we going to tour for? That's a great question. I mean, it would be nice to do what Seinfeld does and do like or or Chappelle just do some pop, but me and you are doing legit fucking tours. But you have the option now. Nah, and I still have a little hunger for the tour. I love the tour. I'm excited to go back on the road. Permission to party, that's what I name this tour. I'm gonna get, oh that's good. I'm gonna have a good amount of time off. Oh when? When this tour ends. This tour ends for me in December and I have a- I could be honest with you. I'm gonna call it. You guys ready? You will never tour again after this tour. You ready? That's my call. Really? I know it. What am I gonna do? You're gonna start directing and you're gonna- this TV show is gonna be a success. You're gonna do a movie. I know you have a movie or two movies lined up and those

will work well and you'll start doing more acting and then you'll get into directing and you'll find that you enjoy directing and doing your mom's house and two bears that that and you'll be like why am I gonna leave the boys the boys are at the age when they're yeah by the time they get to the age where you can go back on the road you're gonna be like yeah man I don't have a hunger for it anymore this is your last tour if you want to see Tom live fuck if you want to see him live this is your last opportunity Bert Kreischer saying this not Tom Segura. Yeah, but the weird thing is you're kind of reading my mind

I know checking out this chick's ass, too. Damn it. I need a mirror Yeah, that's fucking Philip again. Oh, hi. How are you? Hey, how's it going? Hi, you're on TV. We weren't talking about you Yeah, this is piped in there, sorry Look at this chick's ass god damn it man. I would fuck her I Mean I'm telling you I'm looking right at it. This is what dreams are made of Jesus Burt Burt you shouldn't talk like that Bert, you shouldn't talk like that.

That's somebody's mother. That's what I'm telling you, man. If you wanna see Tom live, I would get tickets to these shows because you will never see him again. I'll tell you this, you're not wrong, man. I mean, it's possible. Yeah, I think you are someone who has fleeting interest in things. Where you, I think you get into something,

you love the way the business works, and then once you kind of figure it out, you're like, okay, I want to be interested in something else. Yeah, you're right. And I honestly see you directing, I see you setting up projects at different places. The things that you're doing with comics now,

I can see you definitely going like, you know, I got an idea for Tim Dillon Tim you want to maybe do something it'll be like you know 13 weeks I don't know that's what I see I mean I'm not saying the same wouldn't happen for me but like I definitely have I feel like I have two more tours in me yeah I see I see your your love of touring is very authentic yeah really you you actually becomes you become a different person when you're on tour. I tried to skim this one down initially. We're going back and forth for a long time about what we're going to do on this tour. And I kind of initially was like, I really miss

the body shots world tour where I would go do smaller theaters and then go to the bar with everyone afterwards. I bet. And I was like, those are my the last one I did. I'll tell you this because I don't, I mean, I obviously don't know exactly what the future holds, but one of the things I did tell my agent about a, a, a next tour, I was like, some of these markets that we're doing, I go, just let me do a theater run the next time. Yeah. Like I, I, I missed that experience of like park in the city and do Wednesday through Saturday. Park in the city, be on like the coolest park in the city and do Wednesday through Saturday Parking the city beyond like the coolest street in the city. Yeah, go have lunch get a coffee and go to the fucking YMCA One a night I go no doubles

I want to do one night would be fucking gold and and you just go and and like actually enjoy that week in that place I think that'd be fun to do split it up I said that at the beginning of this and I was like I was like I miss hanging out with fans I miss go to the bar with fans the last time I did that was Boston What's that? What's that venue we did used to do in Boston? outside the city Outside the city. Yeah, but oh, I know what you're talking about. It's like it's like 3,500. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah I know what you're talking about. I did it. I did it at I did it in

March of 2020 March first week. It's one of Bill's places. Yes one of Bill's one and And I bought a hazmat suit as a joke because it was about to be coronavirus And I went to the bar in a hazmat suit and we all laughed. Yeah Little did we know Didn't didn't post that video And so but I missed that. And then, but then I got to this fucking thing

where they're like, well, you know, I mean, we'd love for you to do arenas one more time. We have a deal in place. And I fucking love arenas. I do love arenas. They're funny shit. And you get great gyms. And I was like, but I'm trying to figure out something.

If you're listening, if you're coming to my shows, think of something, a way for us to hang out after the show. Where I can't hang out with like all the people, but like, I don't know. Just if you're cool. I just want to go to like a dive bar and fucking hang out with people. Yeah, you really do love that shit, man. I fucking love it, dude.

I was, you know, I was thinking about, I think Travis Barker was maybe saying it, but I was thinking about putting up on 5k's every day before my shows So I'm running 5k. Anyway, just go hey guys. Everyone come out. We'll do a jog together We'll plan out a jog around the city. Not a bad one, man Nice it with disc golf. I don't know. I'm excited to get back on the road. You're gonna have a lot of fun So this is the end of my tour forever. Yep I you just do you think you could direct me in a movie?

Yeah, I think I, I think I could. Do you think I would, I would drive you fucking nuts? No, I think I could, I can work with you. What are you talking about? Yeah? Yeah. Let's do that. Okay, we could do that.

For real? Yeah. I have, I have a movie set up with a guy that you know. Okay. How fun would that be? I think it'd be a lot of fun. Yeah, I would have a lot of fun doing that. Oh, that would be cool as shit. Yeah. Oh man. I think it'd be a lot of 5757.

I'm in double numbers all the time with good thoughts and good intention and good energy. That's called gratitude. There you go. There you go, dude. Fucking love life. There you go. But I do want to die and I want everyone to go, where were you when Burt died? That's the thing. You want, do you want it to be the paparazzi chasing you? Um the way they did Diana? You would love that. In a tunnel in Paris? Same tunnel. Same tunnel? Oh I gotta rescue someone. I gotta get like. If you died rescuing someone, god I got the best., here's what I want. Okay, this is what I want from the fans. The day I die, I just... All I want you to do, all I

want you to do is tell a stranger that I died. Oh shit, Bert Kreiser died. Because that's like the... that's the crazy thing. Like when Gene Hackman died, everyone at the bar was like, oh fuck, Gene Hackman died. I remember where I was when Gene Hackman died. He's 95, it was 95. 95. I was at a bar at the airport. Gene Hackman died. Old guy next to me said,

ugh, you don't wanna have dementia, man. Get Alzheimer's. I went, what? He goes, you don't want dementia, you want Alzheimer's. Alzheimer's kills you dementia You're healthy as a fucking horse and no one can talk to you. I was like great. I'll never forget this conversation Can I get another porous and soda, please? Double god damn it make this guy go away

Well his wife killed her I bet his wife killed her so everybody was saying that shit You know, it's like living with someone dementia. I just went off I was like, well, he used to be Gene Hackman wasn't at the end man wasn't at the end Well, how about one let's raise one of Jean Hackman? Hey to Jean fucking Hackman Can I tell you the great thing about Jean Hackman didn't get famous until he was like 44? Mm-hmm If you're if you're wondering what the fuck am I doing my life realize Jean fucking Hackman was 44 going the fuck am I doing? My life. Well, if you want to see what got him famous too, and you haven't seen the French connection of my life realize Gene fucking Hackman was 44 going the fuck am I doing with my life?

Well if you want to see what got him famous too and you haven't seen the French connection it's fucking unbelievable. Is that the one where he goes this is Chinatown Jack? You don't think that's Chinatown maybe? Oh it's Chinatown. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's Chinatown Jack. No but he's he's awesome and the movies unbelievable I just watched it again I watched it last week. Gene Hackman is so good in Hoosiers. He's great in everything. Gene Hackman is he's the man. Royal Tenenbaums The Conversation like he's so he's so good in everything he did Really really amazing talent. I think we should wrap it up. We got to go socialize. We got to eat a burger. Are you going to eat a burger?

I'll eat the guts of one. I'm supposed to get an IV, but I saw those ladies back there. I don't know if I trust them. They're... okay. Easy, Tom. Easy, Tom. I'm Burr Kreiser and I trust them. Are you just looking at asses? Yeah, a little bit. Hey, ladies. Hey, how you doing? How's it going? All right, let's go check out some some masses and some IVs And uh, thank god I didn't bring my wife to this lian's like I don't think i'm gonna go and I was like

Babe, I wouldn't go if I were you and now i'm like Good call Can't wait to see a 55 year old chicken a one piece in the in the fucking pool. All right. Hey is the sauna on? Can someone turn the sauna on? Can someone turn the sauna on? Oh my god, Phillip Lee, you got burgers? I'm gonna have two. I'm on my one piece, I don't mind. Go shopping, go shopping in the gift bag area. Are those mushrooms? Yeah. Those are mushrooms. Yeah, nootropics. Yeah, let's go get some. Fuck yeah. I think I told Peter to get me a bag. Do it. Whatever. Are you is it purchasing stuff or they giving it away? Yes, dude. They have shoes in there. Yes. What are

the shoes? Soccone's? Yeah, all different colors. Yeah. Fuck me. Yeah. I'm overwhelmed. All right, let's go. Let's go shopping. All right. I maybe I'll get an IV first. Good idea. I'll get an IV first. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. Thank you guys. And remember, on the day I die, just look to the guy next to you'll get an IV first. Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. Hey, thank you guys. And remember, on the day I die, just look to the guy next to you and go, oh, fuck, Bert Kroch.

Bert died. Bert died. And if he goes, Bert who? Go, god damn it. The motherfucking machine. And then go, let me tell you a story about this guy. When he was 22, never mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Alright, we'll see you guys next time. Love you guys. Love you. Bert and Tom, Tom and Bert. One goes to the top, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.