2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - A Gift For Joe Rogan | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: March 11, 2024

SPONSORS: Visit https://kettleandfire.com/BEARS and use code: BEARS to save 25% off your entire order. Brought to you by BetterHelp, visit https://BetterHelp.com/BEARS today to get 10% off your first month. Go to https://LIQUID-IV.com and use code: CAVE for 20% off your first order. Don’t miss out on all the action this week at DraftKings! Download the DraftKings app today! Sign-up using https://dkng.co/bears or through my promo code BEARS. Head to https://Babbel.com/BEARS to get 50% off a ONE-TIME PAYMENT FOR A LIFETIME Babbel subscription. Welcome back to another episode of 2 Bears, 1 Cave. This week, Tom and Bert open the show talking about inflammatory podcast tactics involving Shannon Sharpe and Mike Epps, before moving into the classic comedy art form of men in drag. They then reveal a special video shoutout they ordered to celebrate Joe Rogan's recent success, a gift that has lingering effects on the bear's gag reflexes. Did you know Joe Rogan killed a mountain lion with a belt? Other topics discussed this week include home run podcast guests, Rory Scovel's art, Tom and Bert's recent weight loss journey, Nate Diaz, Marvin Jones, getting into fights, and Bert tells the "whitest story ever". Check it out! https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 227 Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I want you to feel how much weight I lost. How much, you mean to feel it? Yep. How do I feel it? Fuck, it's so heavy I can't even lift it. It's a lot, dude. No wonder. 100% Ah, ah, and free-range chickens,

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Yeah. I was like, why does he care? Yeah. Like, if he's not gay, like Shannon Sharp, everyone's calling Shannon Sharp gay. They are dude Listen, you always talking about black people have taken over podcasting. They're doing it and they're doing it

Fucking so wildly reckless. Yeah. Yeah, so it is and now it's just it's almost clear like people go I got a special to promote. Let's just call shanay sharp gay That's what they're doing. Mike Epps did it and then Mike Epps Called him gay and then and then and then Shannon sharp said he was going to shoot him Shannon sharp said he was going to roll up He's gonna come up on him or whatever and then no no The chance are upset he's gonna beat his ass and then Mike Epps said I will shoot you then That works. Yeah, and then and then then they hashed then, uh, then they hashed it out though. And then they hashed it out. Thank God. Cause I fucking love, I love Mike Epps.

He's hilarious. Mike Epps is, Mike Epps is possibly one of the cooler fucking dudes and just has never really changed. And I love that Mike Epps never, like he, look, I don't know anything about anything, but he never really chased Hollywood. Like he kind of was like, yeah, you can't spend the money. That's, I hear that a lot. Yeah. I don't know what you're making it for you can't spend it when you're dead and Mike Epps is that guy It was like I don't need to to do things. I don't want to do For money. I can just do the things I want to do is he is hilarious He is so funny that you can just You just give him a line like he's one of those guys that he delivers the line and it's funny like

You just give him a line. Like he's one of those guys that he delivers the line and it's funny. Like, he's so funny in the hangover movie. It's like, I was just watching one of those again. He's effortless. It's effortless. It's really like instinctual. Like I don't think, have you ever hung out with him?

No, I've never hung out with Mike Epps. I got very lucky to party with Mike Epps a couple times. In New York? In New York. Back in the day, party with Mike Epps is one of the funnest. He's just a fun, he's a really positive energy dude. Yeah. And he's, and he's loved telling stories and he's like,

by the way, him on stage, I will say this to this day, I've never seen anyone murder harder than he did at the Boston Comedy Club in my entire existence there. He did a bit about selling candy bars as a kid. And it escalated into This is what white women do. I'm paraphrasing in my gaps if you see this I apologize, but this how I remember it. This is what white women do you do to you once they reject you enough? You have to turn into a thug so he starts off. He's like, hey, my name's Mike apps

I'm just and they shut the door in his face He's like damn see you at the next door and by the way it escalates like get on the floor bitch like it's so it was the fucking hardest. I've ever seen anyone murder, but he's the best guy, but he He said some stuff on Honestly, everyone's calling him a sharp gay pipe. By the way, who cares? I don't care if she's not gay at all Yeah, but I definitely don't think he's gay. He's gay. I don't but Eddie Griffin just called him gay Really Eddie Griffin just there just everybody is, this is a way to get attention because of the- The biggest platform and everyone,

remember when everyone just called Joe Rogan 5-3? Yeah. And you were like, he's not 5-3. Yeah, yeah. I don't know, did that ever bother Joe? No, because at that point he had been, you forget that like when his podcast really took off, he'd already been like famous for a while and he's already been called short and

bald and you know any knock that so I think his tolerance for those types of insults didn't didn't do anything to him probably probably just something to him when he was like a teenager or something. But by the time that happened, no, I think you have to go, you have to, you know, challenge information that he's given to piss him off. Everyone's got the thing that clicks on them. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's got the button.

You make a claim that he, you know, either knows isn't right or disagrees with, that might get his attention. But if you're like, you're short, I don't think he's gonna to get fired up about that. This was so funny. We did the secret time, obviously, everyone don't. Yeah, don't tell anybody this.

We did. I had, we did Rich Eisen show, drunk. And we were like, what, you know, Gronk, what's the secret about Tom Brady? We'll tell you one about Rogan. And I just said something wild because I didn't have a secret. I didn't have a real secret about Joe. Didn't I? Where was I talking about a secret about Joe?

I talked about his salmon farm. Was that with you? It was, I was probably, we were wasted. Well, was that on the show? Yeah. When I talked about his salmon farm. I don't know. What was it?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That he has like a bunch of like salmon running on the property and he chases them and he He eats him with his hands and stuff. That's the fun part is we can make up secrets about our friends and go and get Traction, I really wish the salmon stuff would have taken off. I loved the one that he killed a mountain lion with a belt That's like, yeah, do you remember when that came out? Yeah, and then he actually had to come out and say, Hey guys, I did not kill a mountain lion with a belt at the ice house. That was a real rumor. But rumors like and Shannon Eddie Griffin's coming out and

saying that the big one that I do not get, I do not get it is black men wearing dresses. Oh, that's a big thing. That's a big fucking deal. By the way, you can put me in, I've been in dresses. I've been in full drag makeup. Yeah. I mean, like, I'm like, and it doesn't bother me. If you were black, they would really ridicule you.

It's so crazy. Yeah, I just. That's rooted in some, you know what well it's is that like from like racist times they made black men wear dresses well made it made the mockery of them just kind of period oh their manhood yeah so and then then you know you know like black dudes that are like over 30 30 are all pretty homophobic. Over 40 the fuck is stab you. Like if you make a gay joke.

Like so it's like, yeah I mean it's unfortunate I think to make it like, I mean I get it that it's a cultural thing so like us commenting on it someone's gonna be like we used to understand. Okay I don't understand. But by the way those are some of my favorite movies when black dudes wear dresses. All black, just black dudes?

Or just dudes? What was the one where, what was the one where, where, Martin? Wesley Snipes wore a dress. Oh yeah, yeah, that's right. Yeah, so it's like a real, like it's like a card people pull out and they're like, you know,

they made a mockery of you. And it's like, no, I mean, first of all, it can be just like a part. I mean people celebrate Robin Williams Mrs. Doubtfire amazing to see amazing and now you can't do that now, but like white chicks white chicks is a great fucking movie Well, he had to comment on yeah, he was a great fucking movie And they and they were dressed as hoes. I really like I understand. I don't get it. So I should just shut my mouth I got I get that but I never do that though. No, why would I that's not what the internet's for but when you don't Catch it you say it out loud Martin Lawrence was hilarious a big mom's

Martin Lawrence was so funny. He's he was also if you want to go back everybody especially black culture celebrates the Martin Lawrence show Like I watched the whole Martin Lawrence show. Oh, I'm going to bring something down right now. And he was, he was, he was shenanay. You shenanay? So wait, so, okay, let's, let's whittle it down. Has there ever been, give me a, let's say stereotype, a little strong black man comedy lead that was funny?

Yeah. Like, but like, no, but like sometimes when, like Martin Lawrence was always like the, and I mean this with respect, but like he was always like the one it was happening to. Yeah. He was always like, whoa, come on. Like he was the joke in the joke.

Like he, the jokes were happening at him. Eddie Murphy in Beverly Hills Cop right he was strong like but like I'm wondering like because most comedies you don't get like the badass like Chris Farley was the joke right anytime Dana if you're a true badass it's not a comedy right right like so what what where is this they're making fun of people who are I don't know if I'm off base on this but like white chicks they're the joke that they're there. Yeah, you're laughing at them but they're being very funny. That's why you're laughing

because they're funny guys. White dudes have there are white comics you're one of them kind of where the joke you're the driving force in the joke. I'm the one the joke's about. Right, right. But then I play with it right right? Like, then I will say like, I did this stupid or I had this stupid thought, but like, it's more, you're right, it's like lashing out at things. Rogan is more like, he's the driving force, he laughs at the things. Right, right, right. Right, but I think everybody who does that still, you still always get to the point where you go like, oh, I'll, I have to reveal something dumb that I did or dumb, so jokes are about me,

but you do it more so. So it's like a balance, there's a counter balance. I don't mind being the joke. Like I don't mind, sometimes I'll end in a podcast with like someone I'll mishear things. Yes. And I'll say it and then I'll feel foolish and then I'll go, but that's, and they'll make fun of me.

Yeah. And they go, that's, the reason you're here is to laugh. Yeah. That's all I give a fuck about it. Someone has a lighter day than it started. It's strange that like, also I should say this back to the Martin Lawrence show. I don't remember anybody doing anything

but celebrating shenanigans. And I guess that if you want to be technical, you go, she's not in a dress. Okay. She wasn't in a dress. She was usually like in like, Spandex pants, but you know, tits, hair, big ass't gonna dress. She was usually like in like spandex pants, but you know, tits, hair, big ass earrings, nails, like it's a woman, but you're laughing at him

doing this character and he would do Jamal and the security guard and like you do all these characters. You laughed at all of them because they were just hilarious. That was almost the angle then was if you were an actor, because like Mike Myers did it, you had to play all the characters. You had to do the characters. was almost the angle then was if you were an actor, because like Mike Myers did it, you had to play all the characters. You had to do the characters. They don't do that anymore really.

Not as much, no, I don't really see it, and then Eddie was like, obviously nutty professor, that's what everybody was like, he's playing nine characters. Eddie's the fucking character. Do you ever wear a dress? Yeah. Well yeah, he plays his own mother and like grandmother

and aunt in that thing. Do you think they're really taking a shot at Tyler Perry? Perry? Dean Medea. Yeah, people also do that. By the way, that was another thing. They're like, that's all you do well. It's like, yeah, but that worked out pretty well.

Yeah, it worked out. All you need to do is one thing really well, you know? Dude, I'd suck my dick on camera if I got that kind of money. That's cool. Whether you hydrate to live or live to hydrate, Liquid IV quenches your thirst faster than water alone with three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink plus eight vitamins and nutrients

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as three weeks. I like going back and forth trying different ones. It's a fun exercise. It's a good way to not just learn another language, but actually use your time. Non parlo italiano. Ma un parlo molto male, ma pratico nin giorno. Babel has over 16 million subscriptions sold, plus all of Babel's 14 award-winning language courses are backed by their 20-day money back guarantee. Here's a special

limited time deal for our listeners right now. You get 55% off your Babel subscription, but only for our listeners at babel.com slash bears. Get 55% off at babel.com slash bears. That's spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash bears that spelled B A B B L.com slash bears rules and restrictions may apply. I'm certain they'd have notes about that. Yeah. Have you tried? Well, don't pull that up.

Why are you pulling that up? Oh, oh, do we have to, headphones. Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. All right, we should set this up. So a few weeks ago, we... Speaking of guys who like gay shit. Holy shit, this is loud. How do I turn this down?

Okay. A few weeks ago I introduced you to naked Martin. And we introduced it to Joe. We introduced it to Joe afterwards, but when we were talking about naked Martin, we decided to reach out, because you can reach out, submit, and ask for him to do a video.

Yes. So we dictated to Zolo to write what you write and then we just go it's just like he has to accept or not apparently he accepted I have not seen this. How much did this cost us? I don't know I don't think it was cheap. He's okay. $85. That's a lot of money. I called that walking around cash. First of all he's got a piece on him. He does have a piece on him. He's also added a lot of tats since I remember seeing him last. Yeah, and a bow tie, he clasped it up.

Let's see what he did. Congrats on your podcast, Joe Rogan. Here's to many more insightful episodes. Been a fan since News Radio. Yeah. Okay. He's jumping around. He did like a helicopter thing with his dick if you're listening. Uncircumcised. Yeah, and now he is...

Oh, on a piece of bread. Oh, fuck. We asked him to make a sandwich. Oh, Tom, I'm gonna throw up. Tom, I'm gonna throw up. Tom, I'm gonna throw up. I don't know if he's really doing this or not. Tom, I'm gonna throw up.

I'm gonna throw up. Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking throw up. Oh my god. Oh My god, oh my god, there's so much shit. He's taking a shit And it landed perfectly on the bread all my eyes are watering I Can't watch I can't watch I can't watch I can't watch I can't watch I can't watch I can't watch I can't watch I'm so sorry Joe I'm so sorry Joe. I've just got me to wear a dress. I just ate too. He's cutting it in half. There's no amount of Lucy's that are gonna write my boat. He's eating it. Congratulations, show on the podcast.

Congrats on your new deal. Congrats on the new deal. We love you. This is our present to you. Shout out to Spotify. That was terrible. Thank you. Thank you, Martin. That was terrible. Thank you, thank you, Martin. That was great. Different Martin, different Martin. Holy shit. Fuck.

That's a white guy podcast move right there. Yeah. You're not seeing that on Mason Cameron. No, they're not doing that. We should send them one. We should send them one. Hey guys, great show. We should get them to do. Mason Cameron. Mason Cameron. Congrats on your rap careers and your mother Mice and your podcast. You guys are doing big things but not as

big as this. Do you think they what do you think do you think they just stopped talking to us? Stop? Or no, them not that they do talk to us. I don't think they would. Hello, Nori from Drink Champs. We should send these to all. Cause I want to see the look on Nori's face. Cause Nori would not find that funny. No, I know.

I don't think. I don't think Joe's going to find it funny. No, I know. I don't think... I don't think Joe's gonna find it funny. I think he's gonna throw up if he sees it. So no one's seen that yet? No one's seen it. I hadn't seen it. I wish I hadn't been close to my eyes. They told me it had arrived yesterday

and I go, send it to me. He's like, well, don't you want to see it first on the pocket? I go, yeah, don't send it to me. Send it to me later. Because we'll get to do a fun group text in a little while. Sometimes I question my things I've done in my past parenting. I'm wondering if that's affected the way my children have grown up. Yeah.

What do you think happened? I made this bone broth. I like bone broth. I don't know right now. It's a time to do it. Maybe we hold a beat What would you what would you think if like one of your daughter was doing videos like this? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha They're like, but I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just taking a shit and eating it. I get 85 bucks a pop dad. That's called making 85 bucks the hard way. She's like, no one touches me, it's mine. I'm as six as anyone. Is that doing anything wrong? I just shit on bread.

Oh, shit. Everyone's got a price point and his was $85. Really, $85? I'm sweating. I'm sweating. That's it. I've been a big fan since Newsready knows who he is. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, he saw, he is. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he saw, he must have seen the podcast. I'm sure he got a lot more requests after us. These 85s are really adding up. Like, you're like, hey, how did you go to the Bahamas? I'm doing this thing on the side. I got my own money. I'm doing this thing on the side. I got my own money. I wonder how much to pay to have him do it in front of people.

Like at a grocery store. I bet that's a high price. He's gonna get arrested. He's gonna get arrested. Yeah, he's probably like, no. But you could probably have him come to like a house party. Hey, Jennifer Aniston. Check this out. I have him coming to like a house party. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Jesus Christ. You know what I was thinking about the other day? What? My eyes are all watering. That's aggressive. No, I was thinking, I'll jump out of this.

I was thinking about like how great Duncan is as a podcast guest. Can't think of anything else. And I was thinking, what's like my top, what are the top five home run guests every time? Oh. Because I think, I think, I'm talking about comedy pod guests. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Easy.

I think it's Duncan. Duncan? Tim Dillon. Okay. Theo? Yeah. I think Chrissy D is an incredible guest. And who's number five?

This is in no order. I'm just saying these are like the five. Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee. And I'll tell you why. I know why. I mean, I know why. Yeah. Those guys, for real, give it all to you on a podcast. Yeah, they're great. They don't hold back anything. They give it all to you. Like I withhold stuff like if, like I do withhold stuff at times. And I know I tell secrets, but like Theo will take a bit that is stage worthy and dropping on a podcast and never say it again.

And Tim Dillon, I will say, it's crazy you said those two of those people. I thought of Tim Dylan today and I thought of Duncan Trussells today. Well, you know what the other thing is about most of those guys? And this is, I think, a real, this, I think, is the mark of your special in podcasting is people who can actually make a good episode alone. That's crazy. Oh yeah, Tim Dylan doesn't do that once.

I did that once. And I was like, this was bad. They're really good alone. Alone. That's crazy. My alone energy is creepy. Creepy? Like it shows you just how not serious I am about life. And I did one alone episode of Birdcast and I took the mic to Starbucks. I got Starbucks thinking it would be interesting. I wanna finish this, but I wanna talk about Duncan and Tim specifically.

But I did it alone and then I came back and I ended up doing this thing called the Pirate Song of just if I was a pirate what song I'd sing and it's so stupid and it's so I mean it's funny in the sense that it's not funny at all. Do you think that the episode is creepy or sad? No it's not sad it's just like I think it's an insight to my my silly brain yeah and I and it's very vulnerable for me but I don't care yeah but it's my silly brain. And it's very vulnerable for me, but I don't care. But it's my silly brain is very, what makes me giggle is does not make,

what makes me giggle a lot of times, does not make everyone giggle. Like I used to do, for ad reads and for intros, I would do sketches where I do like Paul Revere driving into the forest and then he'd go, and they'd go, the British are coming, the British are coming, wait, it's a brand new episode episode and they're like what and I would I thought it was funny And it was I got people going like amen. Just get to the fucking episode. Okay. I appreciate that you think you're being funny

We don't find this funny. Did people think you were funny in jail? People found me. I'm very funny in jail. Yeah, I bet yeah I make the right friends and there's no other comedians probably locked up. They're funny dudes in jail. Yeah, I bet. I make the right friends. And there's no other comedians probably locked up. They're funny dudes in jail but not like me. Yeah. Like not guys who like I do what Theo does on a podcast in jail. Yeah. I put all my material out there. Theo really does. I have to say this and it's a compliment to Theo. Yeah. He will burn, he will write, I think he just write jokes throughout the day and they kind of sit there. Yeah. And if he's on a podcast he'll give them all to you. He'll give them all to you.

At some points I go, God damn it, man, I'd save that for the stage. Because I've done that with us, where we've said things, I go edit it out, I want to use it on a stage. So I'm just saying I'm not that, I'm not that, I'm maybe when I was younger, I was that funny, but as I got older,

I guess I got less funny. And if I notice something good, I'm like, I need that for a special. I want that. Tim Dillon, I said today, Tim Dillon said to me one day, I said, I was having anxiety and he said, uh, why? And he goes, it's never going to get better than today. And I went, what?

And he goes, first of all, you're making more money than you've ever made. Your kids still love you. No one's asked you to quit drinking. You're, you're healthy, it goes downhill tomorrow. He was like, every day after this is going to suck. Today's the best day of your life. And I went, fuck yeah, I started looking at life that way going like, today's fucking awesome. That's a good perspective.

It's a great way to look at life. Duncan, Duncan is a driving force in the way I'm moving, Bert Cast. And I'm being serious. We did a podcast a long time ago and I had a panic attack in the middle and Duncan in the middle of the podcast, and this is so Duncan. This is what I love about him. He said, let's do a guided meditation.

I said, what? And he said, let's do a guided meditation. I said, well, hang up, we're gonna stop down. He goes, no, just do it right now. I'll do it on the podcast. If anyone's having a panic attack, I'm gonna do a guided meditation. I said, what? And he said, let's do a guided meditation. I said, well, how like we're gonna stop down and he goes, no, just do it right now. I'll do it on the podcast. If anyone's having a panic attack, I'm gonna do a guided meditation. And he did a 15 minute guided meditation to me on the podcast. And at the end, he said, this is what's beautiful about podcasting is it doesn't have to be whatever one thinks it can be. It can be whatever you want it to be. And he said, I feel bad for David Letterman because he got put into a program and then was forced to do that exact program for 20 years.

And he goes, he never got to grow out of that program and do long form. He is now, but in the Letterman show, he had to do monologue, stupid pet tricks, top 10. He had to do the same thing every time, which formulaically as a viewer is fun, but as an artist you don't get to grow. I said, I got to a place, this is a little in the weeds on podcasting, but I got to a place where I was, I like having young comics on.

Yeah. I like having young comics. It's all of it's in LA really. And my, I'm not the best interviewer. Like I often just want to hear about myself. Like I really, like sometimes like I just think, I think about me more than I think about anyone in the world. I think most people do. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. A lot of us spend our lives wishing we had more time.

The question is time for what? If time wasn't limited, how would you use it? Best way to squeeze that special thing into your schedule is to know what's important to you and make it a priority Therapy can help you find what matters to you so you can do more of it I'm telling you when I say this the thing that matters the most to me is spending time with my daughters and I have talked about this In therapy and I now plan my trips and my free time to spend time with the girls Another thing is communicating with my daughters, spending more time talking to them. So I have it on my calendar.

Every day I get a call, a little alarm, and I know, hey, call Georgia. Let's catch up. Let's connect. And I talked about that in therapy and I just implemented that into my life. I love therapy. I've been in therapy for a long time. Tom's in therapy. If you're thinking about starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient,

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See dkng.com slash promos for eligibility and deposit restrictions terms and responsible gaming resources Yeah, most people think about and so and so sometimes in an interview I'm not the best interviewer and I'm not bringing on scientists or politicians or fucking Physicists or the things that Joe's doing and quite honestly I couldn't do those interviews if you asked me to it would be a thing to watch I would love to hear you with a It would be a fun thing to watch. I would love to hear you with an astrophysicist. Well, I get sometimes like,

What exactly are you fucking doing, man? He's like, I don't even know what an astrophysicist does. I imagine they deal with stars. Okay. I don't even know. I just because it says astro in it. Yeah. I don't know what an astrophysicist does.

I don't understand time travel. I don't understand the fucking... Those are pretty like high level concepts. When we did the podcast with Joe and he goes, can I talk about simulation theory? Yeah. And I just stopped listening. Oh, I watched you.

And you know what you do when you stop listening? You just, your eyes kind of glass over and you kind of look down. And you just went to like smoking and then a couple of minutes passed and I said something to you. And you're like, yeah, I tapped out. Like pass and I said something to you and you're like yeah I tapped out like I just he was like are you listening? I said no

Yeah, I can't like I can listen to like if you tell me a good native yes story Yeah, Nick Diaz story Connor McGregor story a Jorge masvidal story. I want to hear those those are fun for me That's not that's not simulation theory. Yeah, and so I said to myself I've had burqas going on for like 10 years now. Thank you to you Thank you to you, and it's been it's been so much fun But I was like I want to start when I have comics on like say Rory Scoville Yeah, well I could talk to worry forever, but I end up I end up sometimes new links what you know what a good artist He is dude

He's coming on Friday, and he's so fucking talented. That guy is talented across the board. I think people sleep on how talented he is cause he has never tethered to his material on stage. Everything's created in the moment and he allows himself to get fucking loose and fun. And he records his new specials. I think airing right now on, what is it on? Max.

On Max. And next week on Max, it's out right now if you're listening to this You should see it and give that guy love go see him live. He's one of the funnest guys see live really great But he is also an incredible artist like he paints. Yeah very very well He's and he's great golfer and he's great dad and he's great and he's not an alcoholic There's a lot about this guy that I fucking love. Yeah, he's great So I started I said to myself I'm gonna take a page out of Duncan's book

and allow Burkast to grow into something a little different at times. Not every episode, because I have like big guests coming on that I wanna sit and interview and talk to. But when I get like my friends on, or like Trevor Wallace, right? Like, I mean, I love Trevor Wallace. I love Trevor Wallace, but I've done an interview

with him talking about his life. And I wanna have him on again. How do I get more meat off this cow? So I'm going to, based on Duncan, I'm going to mash up open tabs with these comics that I know very well. Oh, that's good, that's good. So what I'll do is I do open tabs,

I leave all the tabs open, my fire browser, and then I go through and close them and show you the shit I've learned that week. And so it allows me, this is a cheat code, but it allows me to be interested in the conversation authentically because it's shit that they may not know about that you know something that I know something about. But then I get a guy like Roy Scoville to be fucking absolutely hilarious about Flight 744 that Air France that fucking went down over like I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated by it. Which one? Flight 744, it's all I've been watching.

It went out of Brazil into France and apparently over the equator, they get crazy storms that they can't find on radar and the storms are so high, they're 60,000 feet up, but it's like, it's just fascinating. Is that a plane that was lost? It went down because of turbulence. Did you watch the documentary on the one

that disappeared the famous one? Of course I did. That doc was amazing. Fuck, yes! And the different theories, and then you start to go like, I think that theory checks out. And then they, right as you go like, that's it,

that's what happened. And then they're like, here's another theory. And then you start to go like, oh shit, because you kind of wanted to believe that the pilot had purposely went off course. Yeah, off course you want to. Here's the thing, is that everyone, listen. Like I talked about this.

Now I could use some bone broth. OK. By the way, this is from Kettle and Fire. Yeah. Kettle and Fire. I'm really into fasting. Oh, I got another thing I wanna show you. This is gonna be a great fucking episode.

Okay, thank you. So all I did was I punched it up a little pepper. Okay. A little hot, spicy, I like spicy in my bone broth. The bone broth's pretty fucking awesome by itself. But I like when you feel a little kick. Yeah. So I put a little bit of red pepper flavor in it.

Okay. Smell good? Smells great. Smells fucking great, dude. Bone broth is fucking one of my favorite things to do is if I cook like Tomahawk steaks or any kind of steak, throw all the bones in there and make my own bone broth. Then you can buy the one from Kettle and broth and they do all the fucking work for you and Kettle and bro Kettle and fire Kettle and fire. Yeah, but they um people don't know. It's really fucking hot. Yeah. I

wanted to tell. It's good though. It's a, I burned my tongue really bad. I'm doing that. Okay. Hold on. I want so much. I want to talk to you about. Hold on. Bone broth bone broth. I want you to feel you by the way. I want you to feel how much weight I lost. How much you mean to feel it? Yep. How do I feel it? Oh, you have a weight? Yeah. Okay. So I said to the Spartan race. You look good. Thank you. Thank you. I feel I feel amazing. What are you way right now? I just weighed in after Vegas. Yeah. And I thought I was going to be like 240 after Vegas because I eat pizza a lot. Yeah. After Vegas, I was 231. That's great. And so I'm in two twenties now. I want to have a cardiologist appointment next week. I want to get down to in like 222 would be cool. Just to see the look on my cardiologist's

face like shut the fuck up. What'd you wear last time you saw him? 275. 275. And I want you to feel what that feels like okay here stand up here stand up here yeah okay okay I'm gonna put it on your stomach yeah okay put your hands in your stomach. Here? Yeah. That's how much weight I lost. Is that not fucking, is that not oppressive? Yes, it's a, it's also a cool look. Here, take a look inside. Going out like this would be really cool. They put, I can't get it out, it's too heavy.

They put a 45 pound weight in there. And that is how much fucking weight I lost. Really? That is how much weight I lost. That's a lot dude. Can you imagine, I was walking around with that. No one, the first thing that happened when I put it on, I was barefoot and my heels started hurting.

I went no wonder I had fucking plantar fasciitis. Yeah, of course there's so much weight. Yeah. How much weight did you lose, Tom? When? I've gone up and down so many times. I mean, most recently. Yeah, that's a lot.

Take a look at this. Oh, they put the, put it they put it on Wait fuck it's so heavy. I can't even lift it. Yeah, that is it Yeah, that's a lot. That's how much fucking weight. I it's a plate. It's a full plate It's a full fucking 45 pound plate. I walked around with that every Single day and now that I don't have it on, you don't notice it. But when you put it on, you're like, holy shit. I swear to God, and look, this five came by me. It's a good reminder.

This thing, just every morning wake up with it and go, I'm not walking around with that. Yeah. And what we should do is that, I'm not sweating just from lifting that fucking weight. It's a lot, dude. No wonder. It's like the fucking,

how much weight did you lose total? What was your biggest? That ever weighed? Yeah. The most I ever saw on a scale was 268. Really? Yeah. That was in 2016, I think, or 15.

I think it was 15, 15 or 16, one of the two. That's the most I ever weighed. But I got down, so I did the fucking, when I got injured, I was 245. And I lost weight from not moving. Yeah. And so when I was moving around it like not moving. Yeah. And so when I was moving around. Muscle.

Yeah, muscle and fat. Like, cause you're not consuming as much. When I started moving around again, at first I thought I had, like I was at a new weight and within a year I was gaining weight again. And so I shot, you know the thing I shot? Yeah. When I shot, you know the thing I shot? Yeah. When I shot that,

I saw, like, if you, when you see it, you'll be like, oh, like, you're pretty big in this. And that, and when I left that set, somebody had told me like, you should like keep, keep going with your fitness health stuff. And I was like, that's not keep going cause it's going well. That's, that's keep going cause your fitness health stuff. And I was like, that's not keep going cause it's going well.

That's keep going cause I don't think you're doing it. Really? And so that was April of 22. And so that's when I started to like, go I have to try to knock this out. So I was back up to 240. Really? 240 creep back up to 240. Really? 240 creeps up on you.

240 and I was like, no, I can't do that. I weighed in a couple of days ago after Vegas. I was 206. Holy shit. So, and I thought I was going to be like over 210 and it was 206 and I was like, cause I didn't go that crazy, I guess, with eating. But yeah, I think about it all the time.

Do if you put this and I say this to everyone that's training for the 5K by May, we are doing it. It is happening. We will and we will have announcements soon. But I'm telling you, I love seeing you guys post those pictures. Awesome. This is fucking great, isn't it? And by the way, I'm telling you right now, great way to lose weight is by by, by doing a 16 hour fast,

just do a 12 hour fast. And then bone broth. Bone broth, and I'll tell you another key I found because I drank pretty fun this weekend. Like fun, Tom Segura fun, went out to Tyler Florence's restaurant, had a martini, two glasses of wine, done. Got home, four cans of liquid death to the face, in bed, pissed in the middle of night woke up feeling good

I'll tell you a running hack that I learned So, you know Zach Bitter is Well So I talked to him the other day. Yeah about the 5k And I was like well here's what's going on Because I noticed like if you tell me like go run a mile, I can run it like one mile. I can run it somewhere in the, if I'm pushing it,

I can run it in the nines, right? Like nine something. If you start adding miles, that pace has to slow down. So for a 5K, you do a competition. You do want to push it. You want to push yourself. You wanna push yourself. But if you train by pushing yourself, you basically are kind of max taxing your heart rate.

So like if you run a five, let's say you train for your 5K by running three miles, right, which is about a 5K. And you're like, I wanna do this 10 minute pace or just under whatever. And you're not regular runner, like I'm not a runner, it's someone who runs all the time.

When I'm doing that and I can do it, my heart rate is hitting like the 170s, which is close to like you're getting towards your max, right? And he's like, yeah, you don't wanna train that way. You wanna run that way the day you compete, but you train at a lower heart rate max. So you try to keep your heart rate.

So you don't try to chase that pace. Really? You chase the heart rate. Heart rate should be like 135 to 145, which means your pace is gonna be way slower. Way slower. But the more you do that, you get faster in that heart rate. Does that make sense? Yeah.

So you start running a faster time in the 135, 145. Oh, it's just building the heart muscle. It's making your, you're building your cardio endurance. So then after, if you're doing that weeks and weeks and months, then all of a sudden you're still doing 145, let's say as your heart rate, but instead of like 1130 or something, you're now down to like 1045.

And then when you go, I'm gonna push it and get into the 170s, you're doing it faster. Interesting. I've been, I've been running, I've been lifting and then running on off days. You saw me run in Vegas. Yeah. And I was running like 11 minute miles, 10, 12 minute

miles. Yeah. And enjoyable 135 heart rate, but I do feel like I'm not pushing it hard enough. But that's how you train. That's how they train for conditioning. If you just go like, I'm gonna run this as fast as I can or tolerable, your heart rate is gonna be pretty much maxed out. And you're just gonna, you're not gonna grow from that. You're just gonna be like, every time you're just gonna hit that wall. And actually some people who go for like that max speed running,

they end up having a decline in their times. So like, yeah, you'll be like, I ran it this fast. Then you try to run it that hard again and your body can't keep up with it. That's okay. That might be, you know, paraphrasing a little of what he said, so I apologize if I'm not saying it exactly, but that's what I got out of our conversation. Is that better is those guys? He's an ultra-marital. Do you know what he does for his zone 2 cardio?

No. Or like he, I'm sure he does multiple things. What one of the things he can do? You know what zone two is? Yeah, zone two is what, 112 to 145? Yeah, it's like, and you should be able to have the whole thing is that your heart rate's elevated, but you can have a conversation. So, you know, like. Yeah, yeah, they say that's how you're supposed to jog, so you can talk to the first person. You talk to them, right?

But then, you know, if you start pushing it, you're like, I can't talk. Yeah. Like, I can't have a conversation with you. It's too elevated. He can do a zone two This this guy is ultra marathons. So you can do a hundred mile runs his zone to he'll put the incline at 15 and And put it at a 6.0 and he can stay in his own to Wow, I

Saw one of the most impressive things I've seen in that you weren't with me. I think I don't remember if I told you in that hotel, at the casino gym. Yeah. I went there on a different day. I was in there with Sean. And you ever seen like a speed walker? Oh, you told me about this.

So this lady, here's what's most impressive. This lady had to be at best 67, 68, if not older. Yeah. And so I see, we're kind of like, oh, look at that form. Because I noticed that her head stays completely straight and then she has the, you know that speed where you see like the mall walkers and stuff?

Yeah. When we look at the monitor and she's at 8.1. And I go, that's crazy. That's a sprint for me. Well, here's the thing. We're doing like a circuit, you know, like over here doing this machine, come back and I look 8.5 and I'm like, God damn it, she's just speed walking, right? Couple more circuits, look over, 10.1.

A speed walking? Speed walking and I'm like, how did you not record her? I just I actually was like if she were ending right now I would tell her this might be the single most impressive thing I've seen in a gym period I've seen people push press fucking 450 and I've seen people 500 pound bed I have this is insanity and then when we are leaving I look over inside at 10.5 and she is just in the zone Speedwalking not running 10.5 and her form was just like

Perfect. I mean, I've never seen it go on a treadmill if you're not familiar and put on a 10.5 If you put on it if you're not on treadmills normally put on a six and it feels like a sprint Yeah, six is a 10-minute mile. Yeah, and it's a job so I'm fucking fast I'm a six and it feels like a sprint. Yeah, six is a 10 minute mile. Yeah, and it feels fucking fast. So run, yeah. Seven point five is for me like out of breath run. Run, yeah.

Yeah, this woman was late 60s speed walking that. I've never seen anything fucking like that before. That's so, I found out today I'm 51. You just found that out? Yeah, I thought I was 52. And I did, I said to my sister, I said to my sister, I was like, yeah, 52, Lance 53 and she's like, wait,

you guys aren't one year apart. And I was like, oh, maybe Lance 54. And then Coddy goes, no, you were born in 72. It's 2024. And your birthday is not until November. And I went, I'm 51. It was a cool way to get a year See that's what you're talking about about the joke can be about you. Yeah. Yeah, that's borderline retarded The fact that you're happy about it, I mean like it's one thing to not do the math the fact that you're like

I just got a year. It's fucking so stupid Like it's one thing to not do the math. The fact that you're like, I just got a year. It's fucking so stupid. That is. Put a dress on me. Put a dress on me. I'm 51. Oh my God.

I'll be 45 this year. We should get Zach for it. Yeah. We should get Zach Bitter to run our 5k. I'll ask him. Do you know who should get to run our 5k? You know who I'm gonna say. Yeah. I partied with him this weekend. This weekend? Yeah. Nate Diaz. Oh my god. Dude. I got it. Look, I don't want to be a party snitch, right? Yeah. Because I don't like,

because I, and there are people out there that I've, well, don't, I've kept secrets about. Yeah. I will tell you, partying with Nate Diaz. Where in LA? Stockton. You were in Stockton? I said to the group, I said, because I wasn't drinking this week, I went to Tyler Florence's, had a martini and two wines, don't count that as drinking, no hangover, woke up, work out hard the next day. The next day we're in Stockton.

And I said to the group, just giving you a heads up, if we get a chance to go out and Stockton with Nate Diaz, we're going. Everyone was fucking terrified. Everyone's like, no, we're not going out in stocked him with Nate Diaz. He rolls deep, he rolls with 15 people everywhere he goes. And they're all certified black belt killers. The guys that were at the MGM show were fucking, you knew right away, like I'm fucking with any of these guys.

Every single dude he rolls with is dressed in black, head to toe, if not double black, and they're fucking all killers. Did you hit one place or multiple places? So he comes to the show, he's just, look, I've talked wild shit about people and I'm sure I've said stuff about, I think I've said something about me and you

jumping him at one point. That's cool. And so I was, and Shane Gillis told me just so you know, they're gonna fuck you up. Like he was like, I wouldn't be shocked if they jumped you. But I have a rule. Only joke about MMA fighters I know have sense of humor. So like Izzy, I know Izzy's got a sense of humor. I made a joke about Conor, he's got a sense of humor. Every Michael Chandler, every one of them's got a sense of humor. And it's obviously a joke about Connor. He's got a sense of humor every comment every every Michael Chandler every one of them

It's got a sense of humor and it's obviously it's a joke. It's a wild joke, but there was a morning I woke up and I went I might have fucked up. Yeah, so I don't know I know Nate's got us I know Nate and Nick our friends with Joe. I know they got a sense humor I know they listen to the podcast Joe's podcast and I was like what if Nate's like I am from Stockton And we don't talk like that. Yeah, and I need you to understand the respect that goes into it. I was really nervous. So I was like, I told everyone, I was like, if he wants to go out, we're going out.

I'm gonna fuck him up. We're going out. No, Mark Smalls was like, I was nervous. I worked in my workout shower and sat in the green room waiting for him. So I wanted to make sure I was like, I was nervous. Like I got, I worked in my workout shower and sat in the green room waiting for him. So I wanted to make sure I was like, hey. This is after the show? Before the show.

Before the, you went out with him before the show? No, so he shows up before the show. Yeah. Cool. I don't think he even had a drink before the show. We maybe rolled a blunt right before I went. We took a shop before I went on stage. And then I was like, yo, you want to come out on stage with me?

And he, you know, he's, he really is kind of a shy guy. Like he's just not me. Like I'm a fucking, he is at the top of his level and he got there through talent. I got there through being loud as fuck, right? So he's like, he's like, ah, whatever. Like, yeah, I mean, I'll go out if you want me to. And I was like, fuck yeah, it's your talent.

This place is gonna lose our mind. I walked out on stage, he comes out behind me, the place went fucking ape shit. He just went up, fucking banged off a flex, place goes crazy, ripped my shirt off, he goes out, bring him up at the end of the show, at the end of the show he fucking, it was awesome. And then he's like, and then he's like,

yo, you wanna go out? I told everyone, I was like, we're going out. Pete was nervous. He's like, no, we're not going out in fucking Stockton with the fucking 15 baddest dudes in the world. The fuck we are. I go, we're going out, we're going out. So they're like, so Nate's like,

we got this bar, Ollie's up in Lodi. Why don't we go up there? And I was like, cool. It's like 25 minutes away. Organizer Ry got up there. Dude, I haven't done this in so long where I go out after the show And I used to be how I how I buttered my bread was like at the end of the night

Yeah, everyone goes to bar we all party and we went out with Nate Diaz Smoked some of Joey's weed Joey's big fat. I brought four of those tampon joints Joey's makes with the glass tip We smoked all four of them in the rain under a fucking awning. Did shots had a fucking blast and then hung out with him. Like he was like the coolest fucking guy. Talked about triathlons, talked about swimming, like just had great conversations. Did he do those things?

Yeah. So like I said, like one of my things is like, there's, I've said this a million times, just to have people who can swim and people who know how to swim. And I've always said that, and if you don't know how to swim, you don't understand what I'm saying.

Like if you go, I can swim, and you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. But can you swim for two miles? Right. And Nate lit up, he was like, yeah, I can fucking swim. Like he's like, I think his brother may be a better swimmer because his brother can do the butterfly. Like his brother, them and his brother

are legit fucking swimmers, like legit. Like, and so we talked about swimmer, we talked about triathlons, we talked about everything. He was like the funnest hang I've ever had. And then the other thing I love about him, and this is, you know I love this. The next day, I'm back home, we took the bus home, I go out with the Ant for a date

and fucking Nate Diaz FaceTiming's me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love him FaceTime, of course. I fucking love, it's a trust thing. As you know the person, if you're FaceTiming and they answer, you know where you stand with that guy. And he's all smiles. He's like, dude, Joey's weed kicked my dick. He was like, we had a fucking blast. That's cool.

And it was cool as fuck. And then I flipped the phone and I was with my wife and he was like, but get that old lady out of here. Yeah, yeah. But it was the funnest fucking time. I will tell anyone him and his whole group sat by the end stage, watched the whole show, fucking like he was everything. He was everything. That's cool.

Yeah. We talked about, uh, because he fought that dude, Sneak-o. And he did. He's part of them. He didn't fuck him up. Like Sean Strickland fucked him up. Yeah, he fucked him up. He fucked him up.

Nate just sparred with them. And I think you can, when you took it easy on him, though, like, I mean, play, he fucked, I think He fucked him up. Nate just sparred with them and I think you can, when you're- Took it easy on him though, like, I mean, play. I know he fucked, I think he fucked him up, but he didn't like- Why is this kid stepping in the ring with people? What's he doing? I think he's trying, I don't know.

I don't know anything about Sneak-O. Is he saying that he can fight with them? Like, why is he doing this? I don't know. There's no, I don't think there's a, I don't actually, I really don't know anything about Sneak-O. I only know his name because Sean Strickland Fucking lit that kid up. Yeah, he did. I mean he took those left hooks. He was delivering

We're like Monstrous, I know I know I mean I I don't like and then and they were like they were throwing tap They were throwing laundry in there ever I remember it was wild everyone's like all you had to do is go down He didn't go down. It was wild. And everyone was like, all you had to do was go down. You didn't go down. It was, he didn't go down. He didn't go down. That's fucking crazy. That's fucking insane. You know, I would have fallen down way earlier.

I think most of the population would have. There is something about those men, like even like shaking hands with Nate, you realize his hands much bigger than yours, that he moves different. Like there's just like those guys. Can you catch that with Manzell's hand? Cause he's not a big guy, but when you shake his hand,

you're like, oh, it's like a baseball man. Same with Baker Mayfield. Yeah, yeah. All those dudes are just larger. Yeah. They're just a little bit genetically better than us. Yeah. And you, and it's so funny cause I have jokingly

talked wild shit about fighters because I feel like we're all it's like the way we talk about porn stars, you know, like we're all in the same world. But man, you hang out with them and you realize like they're all, they're all sweet guys, but they are conditioned to do things. We, I mean, really. They're dangerous.

Like most people aren't dangerous. That's what you find out. Most people aren't dangerous. You know, you're in like a public setting. Everyone's been in a public setting where like somebody says something, you know, like it could be on a plane and a restaurant. Hey, why don't you knock that out? And you see that like it's just noise.

It's back and forth banner. And nobody in that setting is dangerous. Everybody is just like, yeah, why don't you calm down? But like those guys are like, you know, it's like a pit bull off a leash. We're like, you know, if he's fucking trained well, he can restrain himself, but if he's not, like it can go sideways real fast.

Could be a real life all-train thing for you if you encounter somebody like that and it's the wrong day or the wrong moment. It's crazy because that is a real thing no one thinks of. I mean, it's happened to people. People get absolutely fucking, like those guys have been in street fights. I can't imagine being on a street fight with an MMA guy.

Some guy fucking tried to, there's that security camera on Sean Strickland's property. Yeah, where the guy tried to break in his car. Yeah, it's like all the houses that you could go, and he came out with his gun too. So it's not only him, it's also him armed. That's fucking, said nightmare. His podcast with Theo is pretty fucking amazing. Is it great?

It's pretty fucking amazing. I mean, I'm a fan, so I watched it and was like, wow, I don't know, it's cool. Theo's just, like I can talk and was like, wow, I don't know, it's cool. Theo's just, I can talk positively about those five guys we named, I got nothing bad to say. But Theo is so grounded, it's like the most emotional moment. Theo just was real. He was like, amen, we can just sit here

and not talk if you want. And it was just a fucking riveting podcast. I've seen there's a there's footage of a he's not like a UFC guy but he's an MMA guy and he's surrounded by like three guys that are like out talking, it's like what same thing I'm talking about talking shit do the blah blah and the three guys try to to you know start shit with this guy and he tries to de-escalate it. He ends up knocking the three guys out, three guys at once. Like, that's, you know, that's pretty...

This is the crazy part that I think every... I wonder if this is the thing that gets you into trouble. I wonder if every guy thinks in that magical moment of fight or flight, if they will perform. Every guy goes, this is where I find out I had cage level talent. Yeah, I don't know, dude. I don't have that. Like, I really, I really, I've de-escalated moments where I've been hit a bunch first. You have? Oh, yeah. I always got hit firstcalated moments where I've been hit a bunch first.

You have? Oh yeah, I always got hit first. Even in big groups, people would hit me first. Really? Oh yeah. When college and stuff? When college. Let's say something stupid. Someone hit you.

Oh yeah, got hit a number of times. Never cleaned, nothing like, never like, never like one that knocked me out, but definitely. All my high school friends that went to FSU, when they, you know, we always get back for like the holidays or something or summer you'd run into them. They always had so many fight stories. Dude, there were a lot of guys that could fight up there. Yeah, it's a big school.

Well, state school. It's like, you get, once again, I think you think you're in this because you guys all went to orientation together. You think everyone came from a well balanced family. Yeah. Yeah. And you realize, oh, there's some dudes that this is their, they, they got out of a bad situation. Sure.

And no one ever, man, no one ever talked shit to football players. Yeah, I bet. Oh, I bet. Yeah. That's the crazy part is like. The confidence regular men have with regular bodies yeah if you have a d1 body I pulled up on Marvin Jones did he hit you Marvin Jones cut me a tree Marvin Jones had a black Mercedes in college in college

Marvin Jones pull up a picture of Marvin Jones you remember him a black Mercedes in college in college. Marvin Jones, public picture of Marvin Jones. Do you remember him? Shadry. Played for the Jets. Yeah, of course. He cut me off and I was on right by the public's over. Marvin was from Miami, I think.

And then like from high school, I'm saying. And then he went to. Not NHL, not a white guy. No, Marvin. Yes. Marvin Jones Jones type in FSU All right. Yeah Marvin Jones. What's how big is he? He's a large dude He's 51 years old with the same age They were the same age

Now we are I thought I was older than he was until this morning. I Pulled up on Marvin Jones. Hit images. Yeah, because that's the most famous shot of him, the top left one. Yes, that's like the legendary shot. And he cut me off on the road right by Publix down by down on Pensacola. I think it is. And there's I think there's a turn left lane or we were going straight. I lived right by there

Yeah, and I got out of my car and you're like I stepped out of my car What the fuck's up and as his door opened and I saw his hand I went oh, maybe And then as he stood up he very kindly turned around he's like what's up? I was like nothing my bad. I got my car I was like my heart was racing. I was like sitting in my house I was like, I was just dodged death. I was Marvin fucking Jones and the only reason I know that is my buddy miles Mosley was really good friends with Marvin Jones and Marvin would let Miles drive his car and one day that car pulled up behind me over By the business the business school the business, school business,

and I thought he found me. And Miles Mosley got out of his car, and I was like, what? And he was like, or it's Marvin's car. And I was like, I took shit to Marvin Jones. Like he would have fucking- That would have been the best story ever if you're like, I got my ass beat by Marvin Jones

had like a stop sign. Also you'd probably still had like a stop sign. I'm telling you, I was like, I was like, I was like, I was like, also you'd have some, you'd probably have still have like a speech defect. Did I ever tell you about the worst almost got beat up? No, cause the, the, I'll tell you this, the worst you almost got beat up is this story. Yeah.

Yeah. For sure, dude. Yeah. That would have been a fucking nightmare. God. Well, how big was he? 244 64 No 64 6 3 He was I tell you this it was a different 244 than I had

it was 62 It was. Yeah, six-two. Six-two. He was massive. He was a monster. He was a monster. So the worst almost got beat up when we were... This is the... Get ready for the whitest story you've ever heard. It is the whitest story.

And you almost got beat up here? Almost got beat up. So I was a runner for my dad's law firm. This is a pretty white start. It's a pretty wide start. Yeah. And I would run things down to the courthouse, like probate documents back and forth to the courthouse.

And I was confident. I was in good shape. My testosterone was flowing. I was in good shape. I was probably a junior in high school. Okay. Going into my junior year, maybe going into my junior year. 17.

17. Fucking, finger fucking a girl on and Carol one at the time. Nice. I really had my, I was laying down my oats. And so I get to my dad's office and his secretary says, hey, there's some kids in the house behind us. They're shooting BBs at our cars. Can you get them to stop?

So it's like, sure, have I ever told you a story? No. So I, yeah, I fucking ever told you story. No, so I Yeah, I fucking shut this down real quick confidently confidently now are the the parking there was a waist-high Fence in our in the parking where my dad's office was but it dropped down the house behind was like it was a eight-foot fence to them So if we were on higher ground. Got you. So I go back, I see these two kids sitting on a picnic bench in a forest hills.

This is very big to Tampa. Forest Hills, White Trash House. OK. Forest Hills, Ramshackle House and these two Redneck kids, maybe 10, 12, have BB guns and they're laughing. I go, Hey, guys, it's about it. You're done. The one kid pulls this BB gun up and just shoots me. I go, whoa, hey, I said that's enough, enough of the fucking BB guns. And the guy goes, what the fuck are you gonna do about it? And I said, uh, shoot me again, and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass. And they shooting it misses. And I go, hey,

for real, done, you're done with that. And they kinda listen and I go back inside. So I come back out to drop off another probate document and hit with a BB immediately. I'm like, motherfucker, I go to the fence and I mind you, it's like just out of me, they're down like eight feet and I go, hey. And they're like, what the fuck are you gonna do?

I said, shoot me one more time I'll jump over this fence and I'm gonna kick both your fucking asses are 10 and 12 year old 12 year old I'm very confident in that fight. Yeah, the guy goes guy pulls the gun up and he goes you promise you're gonna kick our ass I Go I'm fucking shoot me and I'll kick your fucking ass and he goes Hits me square in the fucking chest. I put my hands on the thing, throw my foot on the fence and as I do, their 25 year old brother

comes running out of the house. He is fucking sprinting through the yard and I'm like, motherfucker, motherfucker, I jump in my fox, my Volkswagen fox, I lock the door, he hops the fence like he has been in prison, up the fence, over the fence and he's banging on my window Trying to break it. He goes get the fuck out of the car, and I'm shaking I'm like no and he's like get out of the car right now. I put it in drive

Back up. I quit the fucking job. I never went back to my dad's office I was terrified of that guy until my dad bought that house and tore it down That's pretty white that's pretty white my dad tore that house down he bought the house and tore it down. Shots of my white privilege. That's pretty white, that's pretty white. My dad tore that house down, he bought the house to put documents in, there's four computers. And then when computers were around, they tore it down and I went into the house

and I just walked through that house. I was like in college. And you're like, yeah, motherfucker. I was like, yeah. Who won that fight now? Yeah, good luck. I wonder what those kids are doing with their lives are probably in prison.

They're probably not doing well. No, man, you could run in some real white trash in Florida. Yeah, real. I remember when we first moved into our house, that was a big thing with shooting people with BB guns. Yeah. These two redneck kids were chasing us a child like a child through the swamps shooting with BB guns.

And he was standing on an island just getting tagged and they were on a boat laughing and my dad was like, hey, cut it out. And then those kids started shooting us. through the swamps, shooting with BB guns, and he was standing on an island just getting tagged and they were on a boat laughing. And my dad was like, hey, cut it out. And then those kids started shooting us. And I was like, Dad, leave him there. He's, it's his fight. I remember when I was, I dropped off my friend at his house in, so there's this area right next to Viro called Gifford

and like it's all black area. And I drop him off after football practice. So it would be like sundown and I drop him off. I mean, it's like, it's a really like, it's pretty run down area. Yeah. And when I drop him off his house is up on cinder blocks. You know, there's like trash bag

where like one of the, like a hole is all dirt roads and when I back out I go to the stop sign there's these just three black teenage kids and they're like what's up white boy and I was like and you know they did they jumped on the hood of the car and I was like and they start smacking the window and I was like and then you start laughing I was like I'm cool I'm good I'm good to myself I was like I wasn't scared I was so scared do then you start laughing. I was like, I'm cool. I'm good. I'm good to myself. I was like, I wasn't scared. I was so scared. Do you know my buddy Tony Hernandez?

He saw this weekend. So Tony went to school to place called Robinson, right? Robinson until he went to play. He went to play, I think a senior year, but went to school in Robinson. Robinson, old school Tampa was like predominantly black. Yeah. So all Tony's friends were black, all Tony friends. So we meet Tony when we're young and then one night we're like junior

year and he's like hey man you want to go out with a bunch of my friends and I was like yeah and he's like cool can you pick him up because he lived in North South Tampa I live in North Tampa he goes there in West Tampa can you pick him up I was like yeah well West Tampa is defined by the interstate that's predominantly Cuban East Tampa is predominantly black, and I take a left off the interstate, taking these directions, and I go, this can't be right. I think I pulled into the Ponce de Leon project house. And Port Tampa, I forget where it was.

It was like, and I went up and I was like, what the fuck? And then like five black dudes come running out, and I'm like, Tony didn't tell me they were black. I just was like, and I'm like, oh fuck, and they just, you burnt? And I was like, yeah, they get in my car. I'm like, Tony didn't tell me they were black. I just was like, and I'm like, I'm like, oh, fuck. And they just, you burnt. And I was like, yeah, they get my car. I'm like, oh, fuck. Oh, cool.

And so I let everything's totally fine. Like we're all just normal kids at this time. We go get Tony. And then they're like, what are we doing tonight? I was like, there's this party. We're like, cool. So I take him this party. And I was like, you guys, uh, this should be fun.

And they're like, yeah, we're going to fuck these white boys up. And I, and I'm like wait what they just went into a party and started a fight and beat up all my friends And I drove them home And I never told anybody They beat up my best friend that I grew up with Pat Fagan They beat them up And I just was like that's crazy where do they come from? They just found us I I took them home.

You guys need a ride. I still see them from time to time. I do. They come to my shows in Tampa. They're all grownups. They have kids. I remember when I got in that fight with that dude, Donovan. Do you remember me telling that story about I got in a fight with a Black dude named Donovan

When I was in high school, he's still alive cow had found he's still alive Cow had found his daughter and his daughter was like they're like you want to come on the show and talk to Bert And then it goes how much he's like I'm not gonna pay you and he's like pass I beat a lot of people's asses. Oh, I beat when I got no fight with Donovan. I got beat up in high school In high school. Yeah, he was like a state wrestling champion Oh, those guys are nasty. He warmed up by shaking his Camp Camaro. Like he was warming up for the fight.

And I was like, oh, I didn't even think about stretching. Yeah. And I remember I ripped his shirt off of him on accident. I didn't do it on purpose. I was falling. And he got pissed that his shirt got ripped. And I was like, oh, fuck, this is gonna get worse. And when those guys found out I fought Donovan,

they were like, damn, you fought Donovan? He was like a state wrestling champion. He was jacked and he'd go out by himself. Can you tell them a different version of how the fight went? Were you like, yeah? No, no, no, that's the one thing gonna get true for me is that I, for whatever reason, and this goes back to the initial conversation about like, I don't know, for whatever reason, and this goes back to the initial conversation about like,

I don't know, for whatever reason, in the story looking like the fool and making people laugh was more important to me than being the tough guy in the story. So I got really beat up, and I'm not really beat up, he wasn't that bad. We, we, I was old joking, you can find it online, it's pretty horrible now

when you look at it. But it was nighttime. I was at a disadvantage. He was a dark dude. I remember I punched into his high top fade and I touched his hair for the first time. I touched a black dude's hair and I was like, it's so soft. And he was like, what?

And I was like, so, and then at the end, my buddies, he chased us. He beat me up and then I jumped in a car. I think the cop showed up maybe. I forget, the cop showed up. We ended up I jumped in a car. I think the cops showed up maybe, I forget, the cops showed up, we ended up driving away in a car. He chased us and we got out with tennis rackets and golf clubs, because that was what was in my trunk.

Real white. And he started, I remember him like almost laughing like, what? The cops, the guy. The black dude and then he chased us back, cops pulled up and then I had to sit to the cops and say, is there a problem with two white cops and they were ready to take him to jail.

And they're like, what happened? And I was like, and they separated us, and I was like, nothing, man, we're cool. And they're like, he's saying that he was helping you out. And I was like, yeah. Yeah, he did. Thank God he was here. Yeah, he helped me out.

And then I was like, and then the cops left and I was thought we'd like, tap it up and be like, so I got you out of jail, we're cool, and he just like, if I ever see you again, I'm gonna fuck you up again. And I was like, oh, okay. Maybe I should have let them take you to jail. You ever get in a bar fight?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Good one. Right around the Rodney King verdict. Were you pissed about it? No. It was white on white. Yeah.

Lambda Kais versus ATOs and I just jumped in the middle and I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can't we all just get along? And I got a big laugh from my friends and that's when I felt the punch and I went fwoomp and then typical Burt fight, someone just dragged me out of there and got me out of there. I got saved at one. I was at a-

At a bar fight? Bar fight in college. I was with one friend, I think Justin, and he's got Chuck, you know Chuck? You know Chuck. I know Chuck, yeah. Yeah, of course. Chuck's six-five.

He's a big dude. He's like 260 at the time. He's playing college football. He's like 260 at the time. He's playing college football. And there's this guy walks by and he steps on Chuck's foot and Chuck's like, excuse me. Like, hey, and the guy, I forget. And the guy does it again. And Charlie goes, if you step on my foot again,

it's gonna be like a fucking problem. And I was just like, all right. And then, you know, it's like, it's gonna be like a fucking problem. And I was just like, all right. And then, you know, it's like it's activity, right? It's like a Friday night. The guy steps on his foot again and I watch him, like he takes the guy by the shirt, he pulls him like this and he's way bigger. He goes, BAM! And then BAM!

Like right to the, CLUH CLUH! And then that guy's three friends Come over and start just swinging and before like anything can really happen. I don't even know this That like 15 football players are at the bar behind us and they just come over like Like somebody blew a whistle like And it just is like a melee, but they are just on top of these guys. And then the bouncer comes over to us and he's like, you guys got to get the fuck out of here. Like you're ruining this for everybody.

Like this is just like a bloodbath, but I didn't have to do shit. I just stood there. I just stood there as people like fought over me. I, we were in Clemson traveling. For the game? Yeah, for the game floor state Clemson. Yeah. It's Clemson, traveling. For the game? Yeah, for the game floor, St Clemson. Yeah.

It's Clemson, South Carolina, right? Yeah, South Carolina. Yeah, the hottest fucking stadium I've ever been in my entire life. And we're at a bar after the game. I think I'm sure we won. And my buddy, and you're welcome for me not saying your name, my buddy comes up to me in a panic.

He's like, hey man, you wanna switch jerseys? I was like, huh? And he's like, I don't know. I just kind of wanna wear a Charlie word jersey. And I was like, okay, he had a work done jersey on. So I was like, switch jerseys. And then all of a sudden, like seven dudes and a girl come up to me and she's like, that's the dude that bit me. I was like, huh?

And they're like, let's go. And they fucking moved me outside of the bar. And by the way, this is all my fraternity, all my friends are there. They moved me out of the bar and they're like, she's like, yeah, it's the guy in the work, done Jersey that bit me. And we didn't even look alike.

And I was like, I didn't bite anybody. Like I don't even have a really great teeth. I remember you defending yourself by saying stuff like that. Majority of the years I wouldn't bite somebody. And then they're like, and I want to say my buddy's name so badly, just edit it out. F***, sneakiest motherfucker.

I don't edit his name out, but he'll know I'm talking about him. He went to rehab in like seventh grade, right? Went to rehab in seventh grade, got his shit together. He worked at a coffee shop in the mall and was stealing them blind. Like always just a little sideways of a dude. Different adult today, but all growing up a size of a dude. I remember watching him as these guys were talking to me, just sneak up behind someone

and the guy talking to me just goes wham and sucker punch, jaws that guy unconscious into a planner box. The guy goes wham and the biggest fight breaks out. I'm not involved in it at all. Everyone's punching each other, and I just moved out of the way. But I remember the dude that Swiss Jersey was like, he was like, how is that crazy, huh?

And I was like, did you do that on purpose? He was like, fuck yeah, I bit that chick. He was like, I'm not gonna fucking get a fight. I can't fight, you can fight. I was like, I can't fucking fight either. Give it to a big guy. Give it a fucking. Okay.

We should probably wrap up. We should wrap up. Yeah. By the way, we just shared fight stories. Yeah. Then we didn't, by the way, we didn't fight in any of our fight stories really. No, no, no.

That's why I had so much fun with Nate Diaz. Nate Diaz, you were surrounded, you were surrounded by 15 fucking murderers. No one's gonna touch you. That was like, but by the way, I gotta say, everyone in Lodi, I think when you grow up in that that was like but by the way, I gotta say everyone in Lodi I think when you grow up in place like Lodi or Stockton Yeah, you have a respect for men that we don't have maybe here

Yeah, yeah, and so like everyone was cool as fuck. There was never any drama Everyone was cool as fuck shout out to to Ollie's and Lodi Shout out to the mayor. The mayor was there. Oh, yeah, the's here. He has rolls in with the mayor. That's awesome. That's awesome. I love you Tommy. Love you too. This bone broth was a shit. Thanks for making it. Yeah, I'm fucking done. Alright, see you next time. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean Here's what we call Two bears, one cave