2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Are We Trapped In This Podcast Forever? w/ Stavros Halkias & Chris Distefano | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: August 4, 2025

Become a paid channel member of YMH to get 2 Bears, 1 Cave episodes one day early and AD-FREE here: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYIgiXwJck_Pb5Nj-wIrsqg/join SPONSORS: -Get control of your overall finances with Monarch Money. Use code BEARS at http://monarchmoney.com for half off your first year -Our listeners get 10% off their first month at https://betterhelp.com/bears -Go to https://bluechew.com to get your first month of BlueChew FREE! Just use promo code BEARS at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. -If your revenues are at least in the seven figures, download the free e-book “Navigating Global Trade: 3 Insights for Leaders” at https://NetSuite.com/BEARS . The Summer Bears are back and sweatier than ever as Stavros Halkias and Chris Distefano return to the Cave for a milestone 300th episode that somehow combines deep psychological trauma, ass-eating, and cholesterol awareness in one glorious mess. Chrissy D reveals his shocking bedtime history with his mom, his late-night transition out of her bed, and how a surprise with a tongue changed the trajectory of his life—and his act. Stav explains how a 3XL shirt, childhood grilled cheese binges, and SNL reruns turned him into the hairy Greek sex symbol we know today. The bears also dive into the state of late night TV (RIP), Jurassic Park boners, and why Bert and Tom might end up bankrupt with nothing but podcast houses and Uncrustables to their name. Plus, an unhinged Monarch Money ad read, BlueChew boners, Turkish military anal policies, and a heartfelt video message from Tom Segura himself. Are the Summer Bears destined to do this foever? Stay tuned! 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 300 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:03:58 - Big Boy Shirts 00:10:15 - Tongue Punch Your Fartbox 00:19:21 - How Did This All Happen? 00:23:48 - Sleeping In Mom's Bed 00:37:17 - Stavvy's Hangups & Chrissy Late Night 00:48:27 - Bowel Movements & Old Sitcoms 00:54:39 - Stav & Chrissy's Movie Corner 01:00:47 - New Jurassic Park 01:05:01 - A Message From Tom Segura Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Hello gang we are back the summer bears are back Stavros Halkis Christostephano Filling in for our pals Tom and Burt. How we doing Chrissy? Dude, it's a bear summer the bears come out of hibernation and the bears are all night I think it is bear week in Provincetown as we speak. 100% it is. That's why I have a show there. Go to Christie. Check out my site.

But dude, it just feels good to be a bear in the summer. You don't want to be doing this in the winter. No, that's hibernation. Dude, we're by the river. We're eating salmon. You were just eating salmon locks. I was eating salmon. Dude, that's what we're doing.

We're bears. We're eating salmon. And we threw in a couple of croissants because we're different kinds of bears. You are sabotaging us here, right? Because you, shout out to Benson Spoon, Josh in the booth. You did a classic fat guy move and even though you're not, we've talked about it, you're wearing your true classic t-shirt that hides your tits and frames it and your belly. Yeah. But you're not, you're not, you are, you still have a heart, a fat man's soul as we've covered, a fat man's cholesterol levels.

You order egg whites with spinach on whole wheat toast. Yes. And then you say, and hey Josh, give us a couple of surprises. The classic fat guy move. That's basically like, order me sauces, or dessert. Yeah, get me a Chocolate milk you're basically like I can't I don't want to take responsibility for this. I'm laundering right I want to treat I'm a little slut right, but I'm laundering the response I'm passing the moral responsibility on to you you basically it was you did a tariff on Josh

Yes, what the costs are coming on him right you get the money, but he has to pay the cost. Yeah, well, also I just want to give a quick shout out where this is, you know, like I literally, I said to Josh, give me surprise, surprise, you know I'm a little surprise boy. That's what I said. Because last time we came and did the show, Josh had surprised us with artisanal beautiful donuts that were some of the creamiest best donuts that I've ever had in my life and now today surprise surprise We're too happy and croissants and no straws for our iced coffee Wow, you're what the hell we're drinking ice coffee diva

We have straws? We have stain in my teeth now cause Josh didn't get straws and he got me shitty croissants from a deli that somebody was doing fentanyl outside of What the hell happened last week? Why do you say give me a fucking doughnut? Yeah? I mean because I'm a little surprised boy And I just I didn't want to come out and say it because I'm trying to tell my family that I'm in shape Oh, so you wanted to come home be like look. I ordered spit you want to show you're gonna Hey look you're gonna delete the surprise boy. Yeah, I just look I I asked for spinach

Yeah, cuz jazz every cuz you know every ever since you always said my cholesterol was 300, which by the way, this is a 300 Two Bears episode. So I feel like I got my cholesterol to this level just for the show. But she always is on me now. Like, hey, what are you eating? Like when I was just on the road, she's like, show me what, like it used to be send me a picture of your empty room so I know no bitches are in there. Now it's show me a picture of what you're eating So I know you're not gonna drop dead when we're just moving into this new Yeah, you're inevitably gonna sell next year Show me the trash can in your Hilton garden in yeah, I don't want to see combos in there

I don't want to see chocolate-covered prep. Yeah, I want to see KFC. Yeah snackers right Yeah, by the way not Hilton. I I'm Marriott Bonvoy Rewards member. You're a Marriott Bonvoy guy. So you can put that at... OK. Oh, they're... Thanks, Josh. Passing aggressive.

When I have one sip left, I hope you do one of your backflips off stage and break your neck. This beautiful straw just for Chris. Hey! Please! Bring me a straw! Bring me some donuts oh God! On your roller blades. Oh man. Interesting. Stavis, that's a big boy shirt if you can't see this is off camera but Stavis drawing the shirt that he was wearing on the radiator I did it is so again as a summer of a bear, you know, you have to have a travel shirt everywhere You go. Yeah, that was that when I moved to New York and it was like summer and I'm walking everywhere

It's like you come with a shirt, right? You go to the bath you soak it on the subway, right? And then you change into your you know, my professional attire Oh, that's my job. Yeah Oh look, she's a hottie. She's pretty awesome. If I whatever It's a woman. Yeah, we can have all types of but they can be jacked with huge tits to Chris Okay, you know look at Bert and that's awesome Now we've covered this. Yeah, Bert is not a hot woman. Oh, that's right. But yes, I would love a jacked You know this an anime girl with huge tits. It's Jacked But it looks good. You got you got good t-shirts. Now. What are you a 2XL?

Thank you for saying that I am a 3XL. You're a 3XL. I'm a 3 but we're real I'm on the cusp of two. I'm on the cusp of two. When's the last time in your life you were in XL? I can tell you literally I know exactly when it was I was in it was 2001 I I'm sorry 2021 I was in, it was 2001. 9-11? I'm sorry, 2021. Yeah.

Oh yeah. I was in sixth grade watching the towers fall. And in that moment I was stress eating, knowing we would be plunged into a state of endless war. You were sick. I could see, I could read the tea leaves. They were gonna use the terrorists as an excuse to have the spy state that we would lose all our civil liberties

because we're scared of terrorists. They were sitting there eating spanakopita out of a lunchbox thinking could Baltimore be next? Is Muhammad Atta gonna blow up Camden Yards? We have a world trade center, we have a shitty little world trade center too. Yeah, I hope they don't destroy the legal seafood in the inner harbor. The inner harbor, Reuters, is it safe?

2021, I was coming back. I, I, during the pandemic, I gained 40 pounds and then I lost 60 pounds. Whoa. And so I, I was and then I got in, I like, maybe 250, 260, which for me is good. Svelte. Exactly. I feel good when I'm at 250. You're like a Ryan Reynolds at that way. Yeah, and I was at an XL and I had a very specific, I had this cool, Heat might be my favorite movie. Well, True Romance is my favorite movie of all time, but Heat. I love that everyone just thought you, you were losing weight and everyone else just

thought you had long COVID. Yeah. It was before we knew about that liberal hoax. Right. No, it does seem like people have been- I was definitely a guy who was like, that shit's fake, and I've met like 10 people who were like, my life is ruined, and they all have the exact same symptoms. They're like, my brain just doesn't work, and I'm like, I don't know.

I know, I brainfuck. I swear to God, I still haven't, my taste is still not the same. Really? Yeah, I mean, obviously I just ate seven croissants, so I powered through. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a great imagination.

Again, that's another fat tip of the cap as a fat man to be doing, to power through no taste buds and be like, oh, it's fine. Just so good. Dude, do you know how many times in my life I've gotten swollen taste buds on my tongue just from the amount of sugar I've eaten in one sitting? Just like, because the wild,

because you're saying, you know, you, you, XL 2001, this is 2021, I'm sorry. I'm an XL now, right? Wow, congrats. And so I'm an XL now. I was a 2X, but now I've gotten myself into an XL. But what happens is mentally, like I've lost some weight. I try to work out every

day and exercise, but mentally I'm still like, you're disgusting, your cholesterol's awful, you're going to eat that croissant, you surprise, boy. Yeah, you're going to pass it aggressively, demand the croissant. Yeah. You know what happens? Here's the difference though too, is like, at least with you, and we may have spoken about this before, but at least with you, when may have spoken about this before but at least with you when somebody you were saying before like oh somebody says like you're overweight at least like you wear it you are who you are you're like this

is who I am no denying and I'm a 2x you know what you're getting with me or 3x I'm trying to be positive. We're trending in the right direction. Thank you thank you. So with me it's like oh wow you're. And then I'll be like, then I'll take my shirt off and I'll see people look at me like, I wasn't expecting that. That's disgusting. Yeah, like what is that? Now were you a fat child?

No. No, I got. When did the punch begin? So I got fat, I got fat when I, my freshman year of college. I was playing ball on the basketball team, like I was the only freshman that was a starter. I was playing, I could two-hand dunk.

I was like, I had a shaved head. I looked like I was a skinhead. If you Google Krista Stefano basketball, pictures pop up of me. I literally look like I'm playing for the Aryan Nation. You know what I mean? And so, but I got a girlfriend, my first serious girlfriend.

She was older, she was like 23 and I was 18. Nice. And she just worked me in a way that I can't like explain. Like she was, yeah, look at that. Wow. Holy shit. Yeah, look at that one. If you look at, yeah.

Wow, you and Bill Maher were talking about it. Yeah, but there's one, no, look, go over one more to the right. That one, that's, this is the skinhead one. Where I'm just an absolute, just Ed Norton, you know Yeah, you know you look like you're on his basketball team in American history, right? So what happened though is was like we just start like she introduced me to like sex and like eating my eyes Is and all that and I hate your ass. Yes, 18. Yes Well, I got which is now just a felony federal crime

But but she but I got so, not fat, but for the first time ever, because I would literally, I was like always thin, you know, metabolism was good, I was in shape. Again, I told you I could dunk, I was athletic. And then when I got fat, it was like a wake up call, it was like, oh, because my dad was pretty fat, my mom would struggle with her weight, and I'm like, oh, I can be fat.

And then from that point on, from when I'm 18, I've yo-yoed for 22 years. Like in comedy, I've gotten myself up to 260. I was 260. My goal weight. Yeah, your goal weight. And now I'm like 220. But it's weird. It's like, I really, for my height, I should be like, BMI, you should be like 190. And I'm like, I don't know if I could get that. No, whatever. You're fine like if BMI you should be like 190 and I'm like I don't know if I could get that. No whatever you're fine. I mean you should worry about your cholesterol you're fine. Yeah I'm gonna go get it tested in two weeks. Oh let's find that. I'll live stream it. I can't wait I can't wait I

wouldn't put it past you. Yeah. Now what was that for the moment the tongue hit your hole what was that sensation like? I'll never forget dude we were in her house in Ozone Park in Ozone Park Queens words like they wouldn't even dream to have a subway yeah no this is a shitty Long Island this far as we're concerned as I was getting my ass you know I was listening to the sirens and the you know John Gotti disciples running up running black people out of their neighborhood with baseball bats you couldn't you weren't sure why you were coming. The ass licking or the racism. Like I don't know what's doing it more for me.

Don't you see the N word? And so I remember like, because she, you know, she was down there, whatever. And then she just started going down towards the balls, which I had experienced before I was 18. I, you know, I'm Catholic. You know, so I've had a priest. So I was an altar boy. So I, so, and then she just I'd I you know Catholic So and then she just slips it into the but and I don't I think it was like almost accidental even on her point But then the way that I you know like yeah, I stopped and she had a lot of Sexual intelligence. Yes, she called the audible. She's like, oh my tongue slipped, but he clearly loves this. Well she was a grown woman. That's the thing, I was a child so. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You feel taken advantage of? Yeah, no, I loved it. And then I remember she just started going down in my ass and I was like, oh my God. And it was, I came so quick that it was in. You pushed it fast, you're getting it at me. You pushed it fast! You're getting it at me! See, here's the thing about Bert and Tom. As wildly successful as they are, financially they don't know what they're doing. The amount of money they've paid us to co-host this show

when it is clear as day from the views it's a sinking ship. And listen, even if it's successful, we're not trying. So even if it happens, it's an accident. It's a mistake. They should have been better at tracking their money. And let's, let's not even get into, I've seen just the uncrustables budget on burst tour bus is out of control. The watches, the cars, it's extra houses for podcasts. Yeah. It's ridiculous. Yeah. I mean revolution comes. Yeah, unless they have somebody that helps them track their money Yeah, they might be killed Me and stop you have to get on a facetime call with Berton and said guys you need Monarch money We need you need monarchy

You can't why did you pay two guys who look like different versions of lesbians to come in here and try to save your summer show? Don't just manage your money. We said Tom and Bert start building your wealth right 50% off your first year for the listeners It's more than your average budgeting app Monarch money is a complete financial command center for your accounts investments and goals That's beautiful. Okay, dude Maybe you would have learned maybe Bert would have been smarter if he had Monarch money and not spent the whole payload on Hitler's teacup. That is beautiful and you could all listen, not everybody has accidentally gotten more famous than they deserve. Sure. And have way more money than God so they can spend it stupidly, right? Right. For our listeners, Monarch can make a real difference to you. Okay. We want you to sign up right now

Like Chrissy said you could build fit you can build 50% off Starting out here as Monarch. Yes, maybe we can scroll down a little bit. There we go Thanks, bitch and boot stop working on your next album and scroll And I know I know Chris is a family man a man who buys a new house every six months. Yes. Talking about your hair gel budget. Yes. You know what I mean?

How has Monarch helped you? There's a lot of things, dude. I got a lot of female members of my family who want breast enhancement surgeries. I got to pay for all that. And so I used Monarch money because I didn't realize 401Ks are like, you know, we don't have a 401K as a community. I still do not have one get Monarch money, I need taught me how to like met what to do like what different time long-term

Well, so you do so monarch much saving the money that when now you're married your wife will take from you in seven years Yeah, so my what monarch is doing is making sure you're not overspending on food delivery on your hair gel on whatever This is something jazz will get in seven years time when she finally does the first Monarch money took a look at my life And they actually contacted me. They said we know you're gonna get divorced. Let us help you So we want you to get control of your overall finances with Monarch money use code bears at Monarch money comm in your browser For half off your first year. That's 50% off your first year at monarchmoney.com with code bears.

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It was just tongue in the ass and I exploded. I hit, it was one of those where like you hit yourself in the nipples, you know? Of course, the first time a girl, Jack Relfett hit me in my eye. Yeah, believe it. Yeah, so I know about it. You can't imagine.

Yeah. And so I remember like coming so quick and then she playfully, you know, cause she, I don't think she believed it, but to me, a young it. Yes, I know about it. Because you just can't imagine. And so I remember like coming so quick and then she playfully, you know, because I don't think she believed it, but to me, a young 18 year old, she was like, oh my God, like you love ass play, maybe you're gay. And then we're like, we laugh.

Is this patient zero for this joke that you've done for 50 years at this point? This woman started it all? Yes, she literally put me on a path. She, if that girl doesn't eat your ass, you're probably just a regular homophobe. 100%. But she put me on a path to tell these jokes at the Creek in the Cave in 2010 and continue to do it. And so, and so she, she literally... Dude, the no contact bust from getting your ass eaten is literally awakening primal homophobic

bullying in me. I'm keeping it at bay, but that is what you think when you hear that. Dude, I've had, and it also discovered, it also put me on a path for my love of history because I would search initially. You became a big Greek philosophy fan after that. I literally, and that's why I think I've gravitated toward Greek Oh, it's like you and Yannis because you're the guys that tell me hey Greek guys Greek warriors are gay. Of course. It's not gay It's just a label now sure just being a human. Yeah, and that's what it makes me feel

Yeah, we talked about it Achilles was gay, you know Sure his whole his boy him and his boy were having it were doing gay shit though reason they got him back in the war was because they killed, you know, the Trojans killed his... There's still some historical debate about whether Achilles was the top or if he was the bottom. We'll never know. What's the gayer one? Would the top be gay or the bottom be gay?

The bottom is gay. The guy getting his ass fucked, yeah. Right, because... Here's the funny, sorry to cut you off the Turkish military Literally they have a rule that if you're a top you so they have if you're gay You can be the Turkish military if you fuck guys They do like research they're like prove you get your ass because people lie about getting there Like I don't know if is my friend

I don't know if it's true or not said you have to send like a video of you getting Me like I'm this close to getting in the Turkish military And then I they asked me some history questions and they're like wait you came no contact with dick and balls tongue in the ass You'd be a you would be a borderline. They're like you're out of here. But it put, because, you know, and by the way, Achilles would be gay. I mean, that's the gayest thing, like they just dangle him by his little foot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. In the, you know.

The river sticks. The river sticks, ooh! But I do feel, because like you start, as you get older, right, I'm 40 now, you start to think about like, how did all this happen? How did I wind up getting into this career path? How did I wind up, you know, being? How did I wind up you know being a

Yes, it was because my mom used to take me on trips to like Boston We will walk around the Freedom Trail so she could go to singles bars You know she would just say like hey Chris you stay on that red line. You find out about George Washington I'm gonna get some chowder and some dick up here Dude, my mom literally would take me she took me on a singles cruise to Nova Scotia once where I just had to sit in a frickin child's playpen while my mom just cruises around. Trying to get fingered by lobster fishermen. I gotta listen to my mom hooking up with a guy from Halifax while I'm just sitting there eating shit. Oh nice pussy you got there. Yeah.

Oh that's a really nice beaver you got. Yeah. So she so that and So she, so that, and then, and then the Freedom Trail was for real. She would take me to Boston. We would learn about like Paul Revere's house and stuff. And then she would literally go out because she was like a young mom. Yeah. And she'd be like, I'll come find you on the Freedom Trail in a couple of hours. And I had to stay on this red line. So I would just walk through Boston on the Freedom Trail, go on all the different sites.

And that started my, my love of history. Yeah. Was like a very specifically colonial American history. When you have to just like read a book intensely not to think about your mom getting railed. Yeah, yeah. You're like George Washington, who's the crust of the world? Or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or, or,

Yeah, I'm reading, I'm reading. Songs of like your mom sucking dick, and you're like, uh, uh, Paul Revere, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just reading The British Are Coming by Rick Atkinson, just so to not think about my mom getting hit in the butt. No, that's it. I mean, I think about that all the time. There's so much shit that is just not in our control at all.

You know what I mean? The things you use in Escape as a little kid really become your thing forever. Dude, even comedy. Comedy was for me, for real. I would watch old SNLs. I would watch comedy set. When we first got that shit, there's arguments that your parents are fucking fighting.

I'm just putting up fucking Billy Madison. I'm like, oh, the penguin's hilarious. I don't have to think about how my parents should probably be divorced, but they won't because of Greek stereotypes. Because of being trapped in the- Instead I'll find my dad dead on the bathroom floor from a heart attack because he just won't leave my mom

and go be happy. Yeah. But see, for me- Shout out to my dad, beat another heart attack. There you go. Shout out to- Yeah, he's crushing it. Yeah, he had surgery, he's doing well.

Salute to him. Salute to you, hummus. He- Not Greek, that's a big problem. No well salute you hummus he um middle not Greek That's our problem. No, but isn't great. It's not what is it called? Tzatziki we don't have no, but when I go to Greek restaurants, they always give the three dip hummus tzatziki No, you're going to a Mediterranean place. You're going to a catch all Mediterranean place, which is like going to a Catch-all Pan-Asian place guy and those places. I apologize those places don't do any of the cuisine well got it They when you go to a place it does Thai

Sushi and fucking Chinese food. It's bad when you go to a place. It's like we have falafel You know not a good Greek restaurant. It's not a good Greek. I mean look now. They've they've bent to the knee They've you know they the way the the market is going people looks But you know dumb ass is like you expect hummus at a Greek restaurant So you can find it, but it's not good right you want it at an expressly Middle Eastern place some place It's like a Turkish cafe would be good exactly. I'm just going for a cholesterol friendly option. Sure sure sure Suzuki's cholesterol friendly. It's just cucumbers and yogurt. Yeah, right So anyway, sorry

My escapes were clearly dumb comedy and Making myself meals like what my parents are arguing. I got I was just be I was like a fat little boy melting butter right and like dipping Each side of bread and making like triple decker grilled cheese's with ham in the middle for I'm not even kidding I was like as soon as they let me, unsupervised, I would play, I would listen to Adam Sandler's CDs, the parody songs, I would play Nintendo, and I would make myself little fucking,

little triple decker sandwiches. It was the, and those, the happiest moments of my life. I believe it. I'll never feel that elation as being a fat like 10 year old, being like, I'm a grown-up I'm allowed with open flame. Yeah, and I'm allowed to play the Power Rangers Nintendo game, you know Every time you're hungry you would just like walk up to your mom and dad and be like mom you think dad's cheating on you?

If I got be in the kitchen you love the jacket from Costco. What's that about? See, I'm fully it's wild too. Cuz like I'm fully opposite. I never watched the history of comedy, but I would watch Jay Leno with my mom, because I slept in the same bed as my mom until I was a sophomore in high school. That's incredible. Because I was just scared of the dark. She literally had to tell me. She literally, I'll never forget. We used to watch Jay Leno.

Everyone who's making fun of Chris for continuously talking about how he's secretly gay. You got the guys got some bulletproof points here. Coming no contact, sleeping in bed with his mother until he's fucking 15. He had pubes sleeping in bed with his mother. Well, that's what my mom, that's what my mom literally had to tell me. That was the cutoff. Well, no, she said to me, she was like, Chris, like your bedroom. First of all, she was like, we live in a very small apartment in Queens. Yeah. So your bedroom wall shares of all she was like, we live in a very small apartment in Queens.

So your bedroom wall shares a bedroom wall with mine. She goes, so I have a, she had a serious boyfriend at the time, she was like, so I have a serious boyfriend now. She was like, and you are literally getting in the way of our relationship because he wants to come sleep over and try to be a family here and you're in the bed with me. So she said, so literally she let me transition out I swear to God and this is the one time she let me do this and I think it was smart by her cuz I was

Like oh, this is uncomfortable. I'll just go to my room. 15 years old. Oh my god You don't want to beat off in your own bed, dude I would just do it when she went to work. I would just do it like in the shower Yeah, dude, you find ways when a small apartment. Just find ways Taking shifts like you just have to figure out the bedroom is a 15 year old your own room That's when you jack off. So he slept over one day He slept over one night and she let me transition out and sleep on the floor in her bedroom and while he's in there. Yes Like a fucking dog. Yeah, you're at the foot of your mom and your Would-be stepdad's bed like I'm a beagle. Yeah

This is incredible so she let me so but even I woke up I remember like four o'clock in the morning, and I was like this is weird. You're like what am I doing? Yeah, what I did she sort of that's to bring a dog analogy She sort of rubbed your nose and yes hiss of sleeping in her room That's why I said she's like a great mom and like thought forward cuz she was like Oh If he's he's not gonna want to be around us and she was right and it was even my dad cuz my dad obviously didn't like Any of my mom's boyfriend, so my dad was kind of like liked it. He was like, yeah keep sleeping

But that's what I was gonna say. Yeah, there is some clear psychological Keep sleeping. But that's what I was gonna say. There is some clear psychological, I think you were pretending to be scared on some level to cock block your mother. 100%. Because you did want to sabotage your relationships. Yeah, like one of her boyfriends was like this jack dude

that was like amazing at tennis. And I remember like my dad just being like, your mother's into guys who play tennis now. Like what a, and I was like. Which is just because your dad cheated on her and left right? No, he didn't cheat on her But they did no he actually never cheated on her. Wow. They just Italian just assumed No, I see your dad. No, I would have guessed He looks like a guy who likes pussy. That's all I'm saying. He likes lasagna and pussy If I could look at your dad, that's what we said at an X game together

I was like this guy rules rules. He no he they divorced because my dad Gambled they had saved nine thousand dollars like for like, you know Like their life whatever and my dad gambled it all on a game between the New York men's and Mets and Montreal Expos and he lost it all and he tried to like double or nothing get it back and then he didn't pay the money Back and he had to get from my my grandfather on my mom's side he had to get money loaned from him to pay these guys back and then one day somebody called my mother's house got a menacing call yeah when I was baby and they were like we're gonna break you know what hurt you will hurt your son Christopher and my mom's immediate

thought was let me get on an Amtrak train and take us to the Amish country That's right And I wound up for two months in Lancaster, Pennsylvania being fed shoo-fly pie by some Amish wet nurse That's where the hits come from. Yeah, that's where the frame out. Yeah, you're true classic. I got this Amish pie tips And so okay. Well either way fully his fault And so, okay, well either way, fully his fault. 100%. It's just funny to be like, I fucked this relationship up and put my family in jeopardy, and now she wants to get,

she wants to move on with her life? Yeah. Fucking bitch. Sleep in the bed, Chris. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, fuck. But it was even, I remember that night, was like transition night, like I had to sleep on my bed and I was like terrified, even though the room

was right there, because you know, whatever, just have these anxiety issues. And then I told my dad the next morning, because I had a cell on my bed and I was like terrified even though the room was right there because you know Whatever just have this anxiety issues and then my I told my dad the next morning because I had a cell phone at that time And I thought he was gonna like he was always on my side. Yeah, you're right, whatever But he was like, you know, you shouldn't be sleeping in the bed anymore. He goes. It's actually kind of weird So once my dad turned on me I was like, okay Yeah, my dad was like you should sleep like, like you're 15, you know, whatever. Yeah, 15's a little tough, dude. Folks, it's summertime, it's hot,

your balls are hanging low, they're soft. Yes. You don't want the other part of your cock and balls combo being soft and droopy, do you? Dude, what I wanna see in you guys out there is your rock hard penises on level 10 dude I'm sick and tired. I want to chip a tooth on your cock dude I was in the pool last week, and I see this guy getting out of the pool, and I'm like look at his flimsy

Uncircumcised penis let's not get crazy. I wanted to wait God made us that's true But I but if he was hard and uncirc circumcision, it's a different... It would roll back. Dude, I wanted to literally slip a Blue Chew pill that I had in my pocket through... Chris, they're chewable tablets, please. Right, but no, but they're tablets. Oh, sorry. I wanted to slip the Blue Chew tablet I had in my pocket. I wanted to slip her through the slit of his dick like it's a coin machine

and like I was getting a gumball. Well, they don't work like that. Yeah. Well, you can chew it with your dick. No, they're still working on that technology. Right now, they're chewable. Put them in your mouth. Your dick will get harder than sin.

That's what we want for you. I'm not even frontin', guys. One of us on this podcast has the product in their bloodstream right now. And could it be me? I have cum all over my pants. Stream right now So what we need you to do folks is We have a very special deal for you Yes A special deal for our listeners us the summertime bears as always get your first month of blue chew free

Just use promo code bears at checkout and pay for five bucks for shipping That's it. Join blue choose a mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to blue chew.com for details and safety info. And we, we thank you blue chew for sponsoring the podcast. We are on our knees, hard dicks thanking blue chew for this sponsorship. You know, it's an interesting time for business, Christopher. Tariff and trade policies are dynamic,

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The one truth is NetSuite. But then, dude, you know what's crazy? It's like then when I would like became like sexually The one truth is next week. But then dude, you know what's crazy? It's like then when I became sexually active with my very first girlfriend, I was a senior in high school, I would exclusively want to have sex with her in my mom's bed.

Okay, you're making that up. Is that weird? Yeah, yeah. And now, and now. She mentioned it and she was like, this is weird. You really were doing that. She was like, let's go in your bed.

You're not joking. No, because I I was just like that felt like my room you were like is that weird I want to follow the only with that I want to fuck a woman is when she's in my mother's bed the place I slept until I was 15, nothing to interrogate about that. Is that why I was in child psychologist? And now the only way you can come is if your wife is in bed with another man and you're sleeping on the floor jacking off. Some guys gotta have a tennis racket in the bed while you hear them fucking jack off at the foot of the bed.

You have to have my dad in here, he's telling me I'm weird, and I have to have Jasmine in Old Lady Cologne from the QVC. Holy shit. It's weird, right? Yeah man, that's weird. So that's why I became a comedian. Not because I watched late night comedy central, Premium Blend. Holy fuck, that's incredible.

Yeah dude. Yeah, it's, we all have a path, right? We do man, that's a very interesting path. I'll never forget one of my aunts, who loves me very much, but I'll never forget the words she used to describe me once and I overheard it. I was maybe 19 years old, and she was like, yeah, and you know, my nephew,

one of my nephews was like, you know, he's very funny. She was like, but he and you know, my nephew, one of my nephews was like, you know, he's very funny. She's like, but he is disturbed. Disturbed? She used that word. And I remember literally eating like a mozzarella stick that my mom had microwaved being like, oh, that hurts. Disturbed is crazy. You don't want to be described as disturbed.

That's tough. Yeah, and what were you, were you doing anything else? Like she didn't see you sleeping in the bed. No, no, but I, I'm sure, you know, my dear sister, so I'm sure my mom would be like, you know He Christopher is like I have a like she probably asked cuz I have a cousin the same age She must be like hey does your daughter want to sleep in the bed with you? They're seniors in high school. Is that an issue?

That's awesome, but she but so so yeah, so I just when I think back sometimes cuz now that I have kids I'm like, oh, I hope my kids don't have like the peculiarities that I have. Are they showing anything? No, nothing. My stepson is just like a normal, you know, like at 15, 15 year olds these days are like they play video games all day and they're not like as social as like we were, but they're not like going out. It's just the way the kids are. So social just in a different way. In a different way.

Yeah. He talks to his friends online. Like, yeah, this kid's weird. He doesn't even ask to sleep in the bed with us. Yes. A lot of times I'll be like in bed different way. Yeah, he talks to his friends online. You're like, yeah, this kid's weird. He doesn't even ask to sleep in the bed with us. Yeah, it's weird. I'm like, a lot of times I'll be like in bed with Jazz. I'm like, come on, dude. That's why we got a California king, dude. Get at the foot. Yeah, get at the foot like a good 15-year-old boy. Come on, dude. I used to have to sleep in the bed with my mom and a queen. Yeah. These kids these days, totally ungrateful.

They don't get, we had to sleep in a twin with our moms in the bed. These kids get a king. You're like, Chris, didn't you grow up in a three-bedroom apartment? I'm like, that's not the point. Just two empty bedrooms. You're in a sleeping. You're like, mom, can we actually get my sleeping bag?

Yeah. Well, you know what's crazy, too, is when my family now comes back, my mother still lives in the same apartment and my room is like untouched like you would think that like she had a like a son died yeah she like has not and I want I don't get got like some kid got like you know abducted with the day the challenger exploded right and she's left the room she left the room complete like he'll be back we're still just looking for him. Maybe the police, God bless our boys in blue, they're following every lead.

Yeah, yeah. They're family members. Yeah. I know, it's like I still have like my sheets. Like I'll take a picture of it, Josh, if I can I'll send it. Like my sheets are still these like baseball, like just generic guys with like holding bats.

And then my pillowcase is this big mitt, like a catcher's mitt That's cute pillowcase and I have like this Nick's poster up from like 1994 when they went to the finals Like she left it untouched where even my daughter my older daughter was like, why do your sheets? Like why does she still have kids sheets? Like she thought maybe there was a kid that still lived in that room She was like why does Grammy have like little boy sheets in the room? I'm like we Grammy went through a lot with daddy,

and I think I might have psychologically impacted her well being as well. You couldn't, you didn't want to grow up, and now she's like, where's my little boy? She's expecting you to come back at any moment. It's also funny, I think it's for psychological reasons, but maybe that's why you didn't want to fuck on your little kid sheets.

You're like, maybe it feels weird to get hit on an Aladdin bedspread. You know what I mean? It's like, I don't wanna come on my ultimate warrior doll. Yeah, that's beautiful, man. I mean, yeah, that is fucking hilarious. I had no other hangups other than being fat. Like, I hate all my feelings.

I didn't have any weird sex stuff really other than not being so... I just have a classic childhood in-cell upbringing where it's like, I would love... everything I do is for attention. I think for women, it's like you start doing it because it's like, oh, being funny in class is the only time the hot girls look at me. And then you just kind of chase that. And so it's pretty, it's food in that. And it's like, I realized one point that all my, I am recreating, my mom was a waitress and I would watch SNL Saturday to wait until she came home. And sometimes she

came home with tins of leftover calamari from the Greek restaurant. That's awesome. And it was like, my best nights as a little kid were waiting for, were waiting. I love it in a tin too. In a tin. With calamari with a little mercury in it. Yo, dude. I like that. Low grade calamari. Delicious though, delicious, so good.

Ikaros restaurant made, rest in peace, it's no longer in business. I hope it comes back. That was your family's restaurant? No, no, no, fuck, we weren't owners. She just worked there. She worked there, yeah, yeah. And my best nights were watching SNL,

and this would have been like the Sandler, the end of the Sandler Farley years. I'm a little kid, right? I'm born in 89. Or maybe even like the early Farrell years, whatever. Maybe I watched the Sandler ones on rerun on Comedy Central, but you know, in that zone, in the mid-90s. Yeah, those are the legends, but you know, in that zone in the mid 90s.

Yeah, those are the legends. And you know, I'm talking four or five years old. And my dad doesn't give a fuck, he'll let me watch whatever. Like that's when my dad was supervising me so I could watch SNL at like five years old, six years old. And the best nights of my childhood were, a woman I love bringing me fried food and watching comedy with me and I'm like I have

I'm chasing that feeling right I do the comedy now and now I'm I order the fried food And then I search my DMS yeah for a woman who I don't love But who gets sort of you know yeah fulfill a similar you know yeah some psych the way you wanted to fuck on your mom's Yeah, I want to like eat fried food after comedy. Yeah, you know yeah some psych the way you wanted to fuck on your mom's yeah, I want to like eat fried food after comedy Yeah, you know yeah, you're like you're like a comfort. Can you come over with a pencil in your ear? Can you be around a fryer? Just put calamari slowly on my cock while I jerk it to big daddy Yeah, do not if you don't bring the Fetis stained apron don't even come

If you don't bring the Fetis stained apron, don't even come. Yeah, don't you come. Yeah. And throw the hair out on your arms a little. That's what I like. Yeah, it's beautiful, though, man. But hey, your fucked up psychology has brought you where you are today. Yeah. And we I mean, we haven't even talked about the fact that you literally, you know, you you you have started sucking the Illuminati's dick. You were you co you guest host.

So this is your second guest hosting stint of the summer. Yes. You guest hosted Kimmel, which is, I mean a true late night show. What I like, what I really like. That's insane. Did any of this come up? Were you telling celebrities about jacking off? Yeah, I was sitting there with Julie Bowen just being like, hey, did you, I'd love to

have sex with you in my mother's room. Yeah. On ABC with my mother front row in the crowd. You know what's crazy is I felt so good about that performance. And you did great, by the way. And of course, I didn't watch. Nobody watches late night. I watched the clips. But you crushed it. And look, I thought you were going were gonna do good because you're great.

I think you're hilarious, but you really were a fucking natural up there dude. Like it was it was really good. I appreciate that and I love that it came all came just in time for late night to be over. I loved that I proved it to the world. By the way, been over not just it's not. But now officially. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like you guess those they're like Colbert's canceled. Yeah. Yeah, I have a manager my manager James Baby doll Dixon who's awesome. It's the manager of ever Kimmel John Stewart Colbert Yeah, Bill said like all anybody's getting into print media Like he is he is the guy that makes late night happen and he is his response was Chrissy baby

That was awesome. He goes, I wish this was 15 years ago and we'd be able to get you a show. So I'm like, so anything for now? He's like, keep doing that podcast. He's like, yeah, maybe two bears will need two extra episodes. Yeah, there you go. Maybe Bert and Tom will take a little longer, maybe there'll be reshoots and we'll have the fall bears for four weeks.

Yeah, yeah, maybe Tom will break his other leg on the set of the movies on and then we can come and you know But it is it is one of those things where cuz you know we were talking about this before like Podcasting you know what we you know we come on here You know we have some things we want to talk about most of us you and I is just freelancing We're just freelancing go with the flow with late night TV first of all I really do genuinely have to say the way that I only have experience with Jimmy Kimmel, but the Jimmy the way that that show is run is so insane Like I've never seen a more efficiently run business than that

Like everybody knows exactly what they're supposed to do when they're supposed to do it and even Jimmy himself who was like on Vacation like he's he has guest house because he's like so taking the summer. in Italy wherever the hell is that and even he's like texting me. Oh, hey I'm gonna have to need I'm gonna need to check in on this one. Yeah jelly roll. He'll handle it But yeah, I'm gonna get a short leash on this stuff He's like he literally like send me the monologue and then every I read the monologue his notes He's like I love these jokes up after every single one. Can you just yell fuck Trump? He's like I love these jokes except after every single one. Can you just yell fuck Trump? Yeah, you're already kidding you're the opposite of Schultz where you're like, I wish I would have had him on yeah

You're trying to get him on now publicly a president Trump. I love what you're doing these days Yeah, yeah, I like safety did kill himself president Trump. Come on, Chrissy chaos Epstein did kill himself President Trump. Come on, Chrissy Chaos. Yes. So, so, you know, even Jimmy, like, helping me with the monologue, the writers, these guys, Josh and Danny, like, unbelievable. Like, you go in, because the way it is, is, you know, I mean, this is a little in the weeds, but maybe some people find this interesting. Probably not, but go do it fast. Yeah, okay, 90 seconds. I'm going to do this like an ad read. Yeah.

Just imagine we're telling you to buy true classic t-shirts. So, the days are not that long. It's like you get in at 10 a.m. and you're done. You film that show from 4 p.m. to 5 p.m. So, you're out by 5 p.m. So, I was walking out of there at 5.15, like having dinner with my family. It's like crazy. But you come in, they have a whole bunch of monologue jokes that you read out loud to a room

And they're there are not there are no pity laughs their job is to say we will laugh This is a good so the first round you are mean eating it You are eating it like in front of like 40 people like you're eating it She's got to read these jokes and the ones that get even a slight laugh There's okay circle those and then you work and work and work. And then by the time, then at 2 p.m., you fully rehearse the monologue. But like the writers are writing the entire day.

And you're putting some of your spin on it, some of the topical spin on it. And then all the guests are pre-interviewed. So like I had like 10 questions for each guest. And believe it or not, all the guests were like Julie Bowen Hannah Waddingham or just two smoke shows. I mean Hannah Waddingham was looking I was I clicked to be like let's support my boy and I'm like should I need to fucking

watch Ted Lasso? She is like stunning and then Julie Bowen was out of control. Julie Bowen jumped on the desk at one point. I saw that. Yeah and then Jasmine was standing there with a nine millimeter. see you're like yeah putting on the silencer yeah yeah get off the desk bitch yeah yeah just literally as soon as I got back out there when the show was like over I was like finally done now do they know it's like when they get booked it are they is it like when you ask someone to your podcast they find out it's when they find out it's you Is it like they put me on the patreon is that what they feel like when it's you yeah, what the fuck man?

although the only one is is is Julie like she like Found out like the day before and she was like on the verge of canceling But then she found out I used to be a physical therapist So she was like oh, I want to ask him about that But then she never asked me about and said she just jumped jumped on the desk and she put her butt in my hand. That's pretty cool. And I had to just face Jasmine 20 minutes after and Jasmine just goes, you know I'm mad,

but we're not gonna deal with it now. We're gonna have a good time. We're going to Disneyland tomorrow. We'll address it when we get home. We'll address it post goofy. Yeah, we'll address it when we get home. But then, you know, we've been home now for a couple of days and she hasn't said anything

until I reminded her on this podcast. Right, right, right. That's good. But so, you know been home now for a couple of days and she hasn't said anything until I reminded her on this podcast. Right, right, right. That's good. But so, you ask those questions and to be honest with you, the hardest interview in that setting was with Shane because Shane and I prepared the least because we were like, oh, we'll just kick it.

We're boys. But then you realize that's not a podcast. Right. You got it in seven minutes. You got to find out what's interesting, what's funny, have a bit. And so me and Shane, like we had a great time, but we both were like, oh, this was hard. Like this, we even said, Shane even said it was like, this is harder than a pod on the TV.

You just say slurs and get them bleeped out later. Yeah. We were just like, but it was one of those opportunities that I kind of, it's in a weird way even though late night is ending and there's no doesn't feel like there's an opportunity to host late night. It did give me like this sense of confidence like oh I can do that and I started to care less about like my ticket sales not being where they were or like you know just any type of insecurity I've had about me I've kind of been like oh, but you you you

Because it was one of those things where like a lot of times I'll do something in in my career, and I'll be like yeah, you laughed at it, but I know it's bullshit That wasn't as funny as you thought I only see This is the Chrissy psychology episode Those sleeping in bed with your mom yeah, I'll have good things happen. I'll say you're a fat piece of shit Yeah, you should have gotten your ass eaten you fucking homo. That's really what I was saying to Josh when I said get me a croissant I really wanted to say lick my ass and I'll put my hands up like I'm on a rollercoaster But so but I felt confident about I felt good and I also just kind of do it and by the way

I haven't said this publicly yet, but Mr. Kimmel if you're watching and we know that you are yeah the way I was because I was very nervous the way was deeply farting into your seat is like you should absolutely get you know go to Stanley's cleaners I mean dude I'm talking about where I ripped a fart with Hannah that I because I could not hold it that I was like if she's nervous for, because I could not hold it. Wow, you're a nervous forerder. Because I couldn't get, if she smelled that, which maybe she did, there's no way to be like, it wasn't me. Like if she would have addressed,

what does that smell like? I would have said I just shit my pants on national television. Because when I get nervous, it just, you know. I was also drinking a ton of psyllium husk, which like cleans out your colon, because I just want to feel as svelte as possible. So I was just like.

Isn't that what bottoms do before they get their ass fucked? That's right. It's all we're literally like. We are. It's just like bullet points. The Turkish military is just like he was so close and they're just crossing dog. He could not fight for freaking. Psyllium husk.

Yeah. I had problems shitting and I would take, I try some of that stuff, but if you take too much of it you'll get backed up. It's actually a mistake to do. So what I do... If you're overdoing the Cilium Husk or a mistake... So in LA I was overdoing it.

I was taking two tablespoons of it. So now I've got my, I've called a doctor friend and he said you should do half of a tablespoon. So now I take it and it's just, now I'll just take called a doctor friend and he said you should do half of a tablespoon So now I take it and it's just now I'll just take like a beautiful because you're they come out a nice log God health is if you take a beautiful s-shape shit That's what you want to see when you look in the bowl if you see a shape. Yes for star girls Yeah, you want it to be curled and you want it sinking to the bottom You want a nice dense floating a shape log? Okay, and then you know. I got a nice, I had a C.

I had a nice, dense C today. That's good, because you want it to basically go through your colon and clean everything out. But if you were just splattering it like a paintball, that's not good. Yeah, yeah, I've been there. I've definitely had some Jackson Pollock. Some Jackson Pollock bowel movements.

That's most of my life. Yeah, you don't want your shit to look like Nickelodeon Yeah, I think this GAC went bad Yeah, but I mean would you would you if Jimmy gave or any late-night host gave you the opportunity to do it? Would you do it or would you be like I don't want to even go into that world? I would love to I mean I would love to almost like because it is like, nerd fantasy factor and stuff. The way that investment bankers pay to pretend

they're on the Yankees for a week, didn't they used to do that? They would do that in the 90s. They still do fantasy camp. My friends go to it, they do Mets fantasy camp. Yeah, exactly. My accountant does it. That's hilarious.

That's always a good tax to get from your account. I'll be unavailable for two weeks during tax season because I'm making believe I'm a pitcher for the Mets in Florida. I mean that's hysterical. Yeah, he does. Grown men do it. It's one thing if it was like for kids, but I would do it because of that. I would do it because I'm a comedy nerd, because I love that stuff, because not only I, you

know, I respect late night, but also one of my favorite shows is the Larry Sanders show, which is all about what it was like to be, and it would just be like, you know, I'm a fan of comedy and I just want to try every, I would love to do it for sure. And you know what I think too, like late night I understand the format as is, is going away. I mean, even every, you know, the host, Kimmel will admit that to you. Like everybody knows going away, Colbert obviously, you know, is going away. But I do think it'll stay around in some capacity But probably not on a nightly basis

Maybe like once a week like a John Stewart the way John Stewart does it seems to be like okay if it's gonna happen Yeah, it'll be like a once-a-week show. I really not a night. I did Mulaney show on Netflix I love what they're doing. Yeah, it's like that's loose. It's conversational. It's something different It's a lot the live aspect was really cool. There's a lot student audience No, but I mean, when we're going, it's going out into the world. So if you- Mulaney Show, whatever you're saying-

Zero edits. Zero edits, it's just out. Oh, that's cool, that's cool. And that gave it a real sense of energy. And so people are doing interesting stuff, and it's like that, right? Where it's like, it's not every day, you did it for a specific set amount of time.

So yeah, I think live weirdly might be the solution because it felt cool, it felt like, and then you know, kids, that's what every kid takes in, all their, I think we're going backwards where it's like, it's gonna be like live simulcasts because what's the most successful thing in the world is fucking Twitch streaming. Yes.

Like it's just kids online constantly. Yeah. Shout out to Hassan. Shout out Hassan Piker. Yeah, that's my guy Yeah You know, it's funny too. You say like going backwards because like my kids dude We so it's like what do they watch so they watch I mean first of all, they're watching kpop and the demon hunters It's the biggest movie in Netflix history. I mean these Koreans are taking over

Yeah, so I'm and I'm ready for it and I love it by the way the movie kpop and the demon hunters at first You're like I can't keep watching this but then like when the kids fall So, and I'm ready for it. And I love it. By the way, the movie K-Pop and the Demon Hunters, at first you're like, I can't keep watching this, but then like when the kids fall asleep, you'll just keep watching it. You're like, I love it. But so what's interesting is my kids have really like, they love watching, everybody loves Raymond, Weeba. Like they like those sitcoms. Sing the mom who works too hard. It's a great theme song.

Never survive her. Yeah, works too hard but never stops. Yeah. Really, I love it. Never survive her. Yeah, works too hard but never stops. Yeah. Really, they watch old sitcoms. So they like that.

And then, dude, the other day on, I think we were, it was Amazon Prime maybe, whatever, Jasmine was just scrolling. And the girls were like, my daughters were like kind of falling asleep or whatever. And then Jasmine sees Saved by the Bell. So she puts it on. And then literally, the theme song comes on. So she puts it on and then literally the theme song

comes on and we just start going, when you wake up in the morning and then go. Literally me and Jasmine are singing, make it on, like it came over us. Like we weren't saying we're gonna sing the song, we just started doing it in harmony where my 10 year old got up and was like, what happened? What, like she was shocked.

And then she's like, what is happening? And we're like, this is Saved by the Bell. And then she's like, what, what is this? And then the first season of Saved by the Bell, What happened? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. fat little loser like I'm Zach yeah exactly like Zach and then you're screech and then yeah yeah if I could have been I wish I was screech yeah yeah didn't screech get to like kiss Lisa once yes he kissed Lisa once I never got

that now and then so and so so anyway my daughters that's like they watch it like they're watching every episode of Saved by the Bell now because I can tell like yes you know, there's- It mattered to you. But it doesn't even, like, Jazz and I will be in another part of the house, or we'll be upstairs or whatever, and they'll just be watching that on their own. They like that entertainment better than the current stuff.

Interesting. Oh, they wanna watch YouTube and all that, and they still do a little bit, but I'm watching my children transition from YouTube shorts of just some guy who's clearly exploiting his daughter so he can be famous, but I'm watching my children transition from YouTube shorts of just some guy who's clearly exploiting his daughter so he can be famous. He's like, let's take her to the mall and play a prank. That guy, AJ, Big Justice and AJ.

That dad sums off. It literally feels like child abuse, but whatever. And without Jazz and I even saying anything, they're going to watch that or they'll watch like, you know Devil wears Prada they'll watch like old school movies Like they love watching they love watching like anything from Adam Sandler's like old stuff They watch click and big daddy and all that And then I was like, oh, we should start having to watch wood Woody Allen movies and jazz was like what? She was like Woody Allen. I was like we have to tell him like about the guy was up to I was like, Woody Allen? I was like, we don't have to tell them about the guy. Yeah, what he was up to.

I was like, the movies are good though. Hey, they're my biological daughters. I'm not going to do nothing. And my step-kid's a dude. So we're fine. I'm not going to go Woody mode on them. And so it's interesting. Also it's hilarious because you're like,

yeah, they should watch Manhattan. And then you're like, children are dating adult men. He's in Manhattan, he's like dating a 16-year-old or something fucked up. And then in Annie Hall, there's a moment, that was like, I was enjoying Annie Hall, and it is a great movie, but there was a moment where I'm like, wow, good movie. And then there's a scene where his friend

is like trying to convince him, tell him how cool LA is. And he's like, the pussy's unbelievable. Something like this, I'm paraphrasing, but he's like, Max, you know know these girls come up to me at a party they're unbelievable they're twins and it's like okay incest kind of weird he was like you know ha gorgeous and there's like 16 as like a selling point of like this is the kind of pussy you can fuck in LA is children. And what he's like, you can see him being like, that sounds awesome.

Like in the 70s, 16 was a selling point to these fucking freaks. Maybe keep your 11 year old daughter away from media like that. That's what I'm saying. I know. You're like, oh, I just signed them over this modeling company over this Caribbean island.

I don't know much about it. Well, they had it down a couple years, but apparently they're rebuilding. They're making it greater St. James now. Yeah. I know last week, I swear, we're in the kitchen and we had seen, we're taking the family to see Jurassic Park and they loved it. And you know, Scarlett Johansson said it. And I said to Jazz, I was like, oh, we should watch match point that has Scarlett Johansson. It's a Woody Allen movie. And she's like, you mean the one where they murder Scarlett Johansson? You want to show Delilah that she was just saying how much she has Scarlett Johansson it's a Woody Allen movie and she's like you mean the one where they murder Scarlett Johansson you want to show

Delilah that she was just saying how much she loves Scarlett Johansson in Jurassic Park so she wasn't eaten by a dinosaur you wanted to get murdered and then her body buried and hidden from the law on match point she's like are you dummy she's like we're not we're not putting on that movie for her. Let's watch the lovely bones. Yeah she was like oh we can watch her as a Marvel heroine star. Yeah. Would that be empowering for our daughter? I was like, oh, shit.

I just watched the movie where she actually, again, I don't know why this keeps happening. It was a Coen Brothers movie, The Man. I think it was called The Man From Nowhere. Is that right? Yeah. Can you look that up, Ben Spoonie? Oh, yeah.

But she's in it No, the man from nowhere is a Korean movie that I watched look up the man from the man something The man from Coen Brothers. Yeah Anyway, no not a serious man. That's a good one, too. Fuck. I'm blowing it. This is bad podcasting No, who cares? It doesn't matter. But yeah, there's a weird Yeah, there's an old man obsessed with Scarlett Johansson and she falls in love with him. Don't show them that movie either. Dude, you know what's funny? I took my steps and I got invited to the Jurassic Park, like, ready. The

man who wasn't there, sorry. Like, interesting movie. It's like, more Gandolfini's in it. If you're a Gandolfini fan. Who isn't? Because he didn't do that much film work. He plays a really interesting character. But yes, Scarlett Johansson is, there's a weird relation, there's a weird, so don't show this to your, I'm just telling you not to show your daughters right now. It's weird. Well it's a good movie. It's cool too because I went with my stepson to the Jurassic Park premiere and it was great and you know obviously Scarlett Johansson is there you know like it's premiere and it was so funny she was obviously gorgeous she's wearing like this white dress it was like the first time I ever saw my stepson like he was lit because they

gave us Jurassic because he's a child they gave him a Jurassic Park Lego set so I just watched him holding his Lego set by like the plastic handle just like looking Scarlett Johansson for like way too long and I was like, I get it buddy. And he was like, what do you mean? I was like, she's beautiful. He was like, no, she's not. And then just walked away with a Lego set in front of his crotch just running back to

the car and then just ran up to the room and locked his door. Wow, to the premiere. Yeah. Well, you know what's great? Here's what's awesome. Here's how I fell into that is what happened is, is when I was doing the Hey Bay podcast with Sal Vulcano, obviously you know, practical jokers whatever, he took me as a plus one once to he gets, you know they get him. Of course. You gotta have the jokers at your

right. If you want to be a Hollywood power player you gotta have. Dude you need. Sal Murr and the boys up there. Yeah you need You and Murr in an earpiece and then Sal running and giving Colin Jost and atomic wedgie on the red carpet So so but but you know, it was it was great. He took me as his plus one. I was it it was um, what was it? Santino's movie. What was Santino's movie? Ricky Stanikis. Yes.icki. Yes, yes, Ricky Stannicki. So we went and so I got made friends with like the person who like invited him. I made friends with that person and now I know what happens. They'll email Sal. He can't make it. And then I will get even. If the rest of the juggers can't make it and then if the guy who's the magician on true TV yeah although the carbonara effect yeah Bolsonaro's the Brazilian fascist yeah

the carbonara effect yeah yeah if he can't make it yeah then you get there I get the call because I can always tell like if the permit like the premier I believe was like a Tuesday I get emailed Monday night at 945 ppm. They're like, okay, now we are in desperation mode. What other New York idiot can just show up? So I'm thankful to Sal for that. But that's why- You're thankful he's a good friend and doing better than you. So that you can go to the things he's too busy for.

And it's one of those things where I think the person who sends me the emails is always thankful for me because I almost never say no. I'm always like immediately available. They're like yeah well if we got a professional seed filler would cost us $25 an hour. Yeah, Chris is free. We'll just do it for free. Yeah and he'll post it. Yeah, it'll be good. He'll talk about it on a pod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was, by the way, let me just, I don't know if we've, if you've seen it, but the new Jurassic Park, I personally think is the best one. It is awesome. There's no way that's true.

It's underwater, dude. You mean the, including the first Jurassic Park. It's not, okay, it's the second best one since the first one. But dude, though. Wow, high praise. If you bring Chris DeStefano to your PR event, you're gonna get quotes like, pull quotes like that.

It's the second best one since the first one. Yeah. That's year, year three first one. It was middle of the road Jurassic Park movie. But it is underwater and his son did get hard at the premiere. Yes, yes. That's the thing. Nothing controversial. Yeah. You can have that or the jokers, your call.

It is, no, it's awesome because it's all, the whole, there's a, you know, first of all, dinosaurs start eating people immediately. Love that. Then you get underwater, the whole, there's, I heard, I haven't seen it yet, but I heard the cool elements were that there is it's almost like Video-game like where there's different bosses. There's sea air. Yes and like land. Yes Yeah, yeah, dude that the one in the air these taradactyls are like because what the premise of the movie is is basically like They're mutant dinosaurs love that they abandoned the real Jurassic Park, which we knew as kids You know, they abandoned Jeff Goldblum's Jurassic Park 35 years ago, and now they've just been, but the scientists before they left, you know, basically left this dinosaurs a bunch of steroids and mutation things and they've eaten them all and procreated.

So now you have like a T-Rex with like half a head, okay, ten times too big or you know, some sea monster that's like a football field long. Okay. And it was just awesome. And you have to get their jizz or something, right? Yes. They have to get some of their blood. I'm not even kidding. It sounds like I'm making a joke. You have to get their DNA, right?

No, they have to get their DNA in order to cure heart disease amongst humans. Really? It makes sense, dude. Okay. Everything you're saying, you're selling it great. Yeah. It makes sense. We were all sitting in the movie being like, can't they just take statins?

Do they not have just regular cholesterol-lowering medicine? It makes sense. I know, we were all sitting in the movie being like, can't they just take statins? Yeah. Do they not have just regular cholesterol lowering medicine? Interesting, yeah. I haven't seen that. I saw Eddington, which I really liked. What's that one about? Ari Asher's movie. It's about, it's like a COVID movie,

which I thought it would be too early for. And part of me was a little like, I'm like, ah, I don't really want to think about the pandemic, but it basically takes place. It's like a small town sheriff is in this like town and I think the Southwest somewhere, maybe Arizona or something.

And he's like- I thought you were gonna say Wuhan. No, no, no. He's like, he's like, it's in, yeah, it's in the, it's in somewhere in the desert, right? And Joaquin Phoenix plays a small town sheriff who's like, you know, masks are bullshit. And Pedro Pascal plays like,

kind of like a centrist lib politician who's like, hey, we have to have, you know, we have to, and then Pascal's, or I'm sorry, Joaquin's married to Emma Stone, who's like, mom is a crazy QAnon. It hits all the like, and there's all these Black Lives Matter kids, you know, like young,

and then there's very funny, and it's like an insane movie, but I really loved it. It was like, there was some incredible laugh. There's one big laugh at the end of the movie, even though, and it's got like some very some crazy twists and turns but some Great acting performances. I think already ashes a great filmmaker, you know, he did hereditary which is hereditary

It's one of the scariest things I've ever seen in my life Yeah, I mean he's Tony Collette so it's banging her head off the wall and you're terrified of your mother like that, dude And I'm not I was not he definitely doesn't sleep in the bed with his mom. No, no, maybe he does too much They're like that dude, and I'm not I was not he definitely doesn't sleep in the bed with his mom No, no, or maybe he does too much Yeah, so he's got he shares some kind of yeah some kind of psychology with you for sure Yeah, but yeah I wasn't a horror movie guy literally until I saw hereditary and and that kind of kind of got me More into the genre I now and then I being a fucking the fat idiot

I am now I'm just into like 80s horror movies that are basically softball pornography. You ever seen Midsommar? Yeah, he did Midsommar too. Did he do that? Okay, I knew there was Connect because it reminds me of that. So yeah, he's great. And so it's a weird, it's a strange,

it's two and a half hours long, but I really liked it. I thought it was really fun, so go check it out. So anyway, that's Stav and Chrissy's movie corner for some reason. There it is. But it's very important to note, it is episode 300. Yes, right It is and you can tell how much Tom and Bert care cuz yeah, we're here. We're here Yeah, you can tell how much Josh cares with a leaned over three and two zeros that look like butts

Yeah, this is what he means. You guys are zero. We have two zeros. Yeah hosting this episode. Yeah That's what he really wants to say. So we have, you know, last week, or yes, the first episode we had, Bert had a video message, now our dear, one half our dear leader, Tom, has left us a message for this episode. So let's use that to take us out here, folks. Let's see what Timmy's got to say to us.

Yeah, look at that svelte face, nice manicured. Let's use that to take us out here, folks. Let's see what Big Timmy's got to say to us. Yeah. Look at that svelte face, nice manicured. Yeah. He does, at the same time, he looks like he's very... He does look like, like just this picture alone, he does look like a gay daddy. Yeah, oh yeah. Oh yeah, leather daddy. Yes.

And he does kind of look like my dad right now. Right. My dad has a similar bald head, gray beard. But not thin like this, right? Tom's like nice and svelte. No, I know you'd assume my dad's, you know, fat as shit. My dad is actually, he's actually not as svelte as Tommy, but he's, you know, he does remind me a little of my father right now. Hey guys, big fan of the pod. I just want to congratulate you on your 300th episode. Thanks, man. I personally prefer you way, way, way more than the previous hosts. Yes.

The comments are great. I look forward to 300 more episodes of you guys and just you guys doing this podcast. So you've really come a long way. Thank you. I'm a big fan. Thank you. I'll never do that pod myself again, but I'm glad you guys are doing it.

I also wanted to point out that I guess maybe I'm like Chris because we're both a little gay. A little is a stretch. I do want to defend the fact that as a woman, I'm not going to stand for any slander of Tom as a lady. I was cute. That's a cute, wholesome chick. And both of you, let's be honest, both of you would fuck that girl.

Savvy, I'm not even going to entertain you. I didn't say I wouldn't fuck her. You would too. Burt's bitch ass look, he was, yeah, she was dirty and he was gross. But mine was like, she was a nice girl. She was nice. She is. I just think that you both come with her. 100%. She looks like the kind of girl that I'd have sex with after a Trump rally.

She had kind eyes. I will, and at least it did feel like a woman as opposed to Burt's, which did feel like Burt. But your point is taken, Tom, and nice try. We don't want it. Listen, we're playing violin on the Titanic right now, but we're getting out on one of the lifeboats. You cocksuckers are coming back in five four weeks or whatever. Yes Nice try trying to saddle us with this. I like Tom's 1950s secretary women glasses I like that. You should put those glasses on the girl version. Oh fuck you cuz you look like Hannah Gatsby Like Australian women, yeah You know, that's fair. I actually did feel I re-looked it because we posted the clip. I like Australian women. Yeah. Yeah. You know what, that's fair.

I actually did feel, I re-looked it, because we posted the clip. I looked at it. I agree with Tom. Yeah. Point rescinded. And I never said I wouldn't fuck her, I don't think. No, no.

I never, I just, you know. We were actually clearly stating that we wouldn't have sex with Burke, but we would both have sex with Tom. Okay, great. That's what I thought. Yeah, yeah. And I was, I run the tape and we're just lying. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. Josh puts it in

we're like fuck he hates that bitch. Yeah, bents it, yeah, boon up to up to his tricks again. We got spooned. Yeah we did get spooned. But I think I honestly think that um I thought Tom is a beautiful man and a beautiful woman. I agree. I Yeah, no, that's fair and that's the note to end episode 300 on Thank you guys for listening. We are having fun We will not do this podcast full. So let's just put that in I'll get you my lawyer to make sure actually I'm gonna go watch look at the contract I signed cuz I bet you that we fuck it We didn't read well enough and they're like after the sixth episode you stop payment, but you have to do it That's what we signed so Two Bears, One Cave.