2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Awful Radio Shows w/ David Cross | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 176

Episode Date: March 13, 2023

We got special guest bear David Cross guest-bearing with Tom Segura this week. Go Catch David on “The Worst Daddy In The World Tour” and get tickets at officialdavidcross.comThey discuss how important it is to pick the person you bring on comedy tours with you so they can eat the leftovers you don’t like. They trade morning radio horror stories, H. Jon Benjamin, Brendon Walsh, Mr. Show with Bob and David, and the Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret. Tom discusses his cancelled Subway commercial campaign, improvising, how slow small towns are, and being not being ready to see animals being prepared for meals. They discuss touring, recording specials, hecklershttps://tomsegura.com/tourhttps://www.bertbertbert.com/tourhttps://store.ymhstudios.com/

HOOOOO That's squeezing one out in Nordic Yeah, you got anything to say about that? You give homeless people to olives, right? I give out. That's right, I do. I totally do. My name is Jimmy Fogotarius Ha ha ha

Jerry's younger brother That's fucking unbelievable I'm gonna share a pizza and that was cool Did it taste like young Compa All right, that's enough. That's enough of. I'm sure pizza, and that was cool. Did it taste like young, come? It did. That's enough. That's enough of that. Stop it.

100%. I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a, I'm a again, please put your hands together for the one and only David Nathaniel Rutherford Jefferson Cross. That's what could be the full name. DNRJC. Sit there and do the alphabet math for my head. Worst daddy in the world tour with special guest Sean Patten, hilarious Sean Patten is kicking off and you can get tickets right now at officialDavidcross.com. That's awesome. He's fantastic. John's great. And also of great hang too.

Yeah, like is it the most important thing in the world? It's yeah, if you're going out, I mean, yeah. That's when I pick when people are like, who do you take on the road? I'm like, well, of course, like, when they go, are they like, of course they have to be funny. Like we're doing funny shows. These are ha ha shows.

Well, there's two things. There's, I'm sorry, I cut you off. No, no, no, no, it's that. And then like, can I spend time with this person? Yes. That's the majority of it. Yeah, it's important. And, you know, you want,

but he's also like the perfect kind of energy and comedy to ramp into my stuff. There's tons of great comics, you know, and I've taken some out, but just his, what he, what his specific skill set, quality, great stuff, because he cracks me up too. But it's also the style. And he's heterosexual white male

and I wanted to give finally, right? Give them a chance. And also, a lot of, you know, we're getting shut down the meat, a canceled. Cancel where we've been canceled. Canceling white. And the street. And it's all sudden it's like all about broads now.

So, no, I feel like, obviously, when there's a person funny, it's an even bigger bonus if the first comic, your opening comic, also, like you said, kind of sets that, like is a good compliment to what they're gonna see with you. Yeah. And then you're just like,

yeah, but we're gonna be like whatever, on a bus or in a plane or backstage, and having meals and all the time. And if this person's having meals, time, yeah. I don't like with the help. You know, I don't suck with the help. No, never. No, I let them taste my food first. Yeah, then I eat.

If it's gross, you're like, do you take it? Yeah, or if I. Yeah, then I eat if it's gross You're like do you take it? Yeah, or if I get a if I get up, you know a bad bowel and then then Then off to then then they go to the side and eat it Yeah, yeah, it's cool to in a box. I bring a box for them to eat Inside up. I've been doing this thing for years with homeless people where I'll give them olives.

Like I don't like olives. So if I get something with olives on it, it'll look like I'm gonna give them the food and then I'll just take the olives but you can have these and then I go back. Do they like the olives? I don't care. I don't stand to watch.

I just kind of let them have, I put it in their hands. Green olives are black olives or calimata. You know what's very interesting about olives in me? Is that I enjoy olive oil? And I enjoy like an olive top and not, I think it's called. Yeah, but I don't like eating whole olives. Is it the texture? I feel like the texture, but the taste is too strong.

I like it dialed down, which is what you get. So get shitty olives. How do I get shitty olives? It can. You get a can, go to the, get the cheapest olives you get. So get shitty olives. How do I get shitty olives? It can. You get a can. Go to the, go to, get the cheapest olives you can. So I'm buying two high-end of olives. It sounds like it.

Yeah. Okay, okay. So you get a big five-gallon thing of shitty olives. And then I can enjoy that. Go to shittyolves.com. Okay. Can you guys pull it up? Go to shittyolves.com.

Tell them David sent you. Yeah. And I'll do a discount. Yeah. Oh, actually, you have to pay a little bit more. And then I get that money directly. Hold on, I'm writing it down. Shitty with three T's.

Three T's. Olives. Okay. But you have to spell dot. It's not the period. Dot. Com. And it's C-A-L-M, like a B-Com. Oh, thanks for the advice, man.

You got it. So, yeah, you don't need what to help, but if they're good to be around, it changes the energy of the whole tour. Totally, totally. Yeah. I had people, oh my god, they said there's no album behind you. Huh? David.

We always have an album here. Okay. I'm not familiar with the do I pick pick something out? What do we got? No Maybe maybe got something in the late 70s or le 80s punk files. Yeah Files yeah MF Doom is okay. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not familiar

Him again Just give me something and I'll oh all right Okay, well, dude, we're gonna be here all day Get somebody run out to- Oh, okay, close the punk. Come on. Sure, sure, absolutely. Yes, yes, for sure. Go.

Sorry, man. That's all right. All right. Now, from the top, because you fucked up! Guys, welcome to David Cross, his on tour with special guest, Sean Patt fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, You got anything to say about that? You give homeless people to olives, right? I give out. That's right, I do. I totally do. They suck.

So you were at Big Fat Birds place and you enjoyed it. Great guy. I liked him a lot. I'd never met him. I enjoyed. Here, part of this was I am most likely going to do a podcast myself and I've been sort of doing this round with that in mind.

I've always enjoyed it. I mean, it's a relatively new thing, but it's been a joyable doing your mother's house was great. The most I've laughed in 90 minutes in the while. It was really fun. And just doing press and promo stuff. This is so much more, I mean, every aspect about it

is we're having a conversation, it can be funny, can get poignant at times and real, and it's just so much better than, you know, doing a whole day of like 12 minute interviews with local papers and stuff where they, you know, it's like the Olympics, you know, times is calling you about. Everybody's asking the same question that you go out and you do whatever.

Dude, which I, we're sorry to cut you up, but it reminds me of another bit of yours that is burned into my memory about the horror of morning radio. Cause we all know. And then you go there and you're like, it's this fucking, I forget the name you gave. It was a zoo crew.

The zoo crew, but you gave the name. You gave them like character names, like Woody and the Beaver or something. And then you're like, oh hey, and they're like, all right, it's time for the Friday morning fart song. You're like, no, I don't want to do that. I don't want to be involved in that.

And you're drunk. When you go there, they're not, they're used to getting up at 5 a.m. And every day and, you know, being sober and coming into the studio, you're doing all the stuff every few minutes. Really up. And you have been, you know, you've gotten three, four hours of sleep. You get up, you're slamming coffee, you're still drunk, and you have to go in there, and it's not the same sense of humor, there's nothing funny about it, and they've got all that

energy, too, and they're bouncing, feeding off of each other, this guy's nuts, and they get shit wrong, this is pre-wicked media, after your credits are wrong. And now you did something funny. Oh, what was it? You did something funny about some sneakers. I don't know, maybe I can't. What are you talking about? It's the worst. And then they get angry at you.

They don't play in a long. So this is way preferable. When I did, I have two that come to my one was, actually, three of these. One of them where they go, all right, so you've got one more break and then you'll go in. And what do you want them to ask you? And I go, whatever he wants. And they go, no, like what specifically do you want them to do? Because we haven't done any work.

And I go, whatever he wants, I'm down for whatever. And they're like, he needs you to tell him what to ask him and I go oh I don't like to do that and the panic that washed over this person's but they were like what so then I guess they're in the commercial break the commercial break starts they bring the guy in and he's like hey is everything all right and I go yeah everything's fine and he's like, hey, is everything all right? And I go, yeah, everything's fine. And they go, well, he's like, well, is there, I think they wanted you to, you know,

answer some questions and I go, and I said, whatever you want to ask is fine. And he goes, well, I mean, what's been going on? And I go, I don't know, man, I've been on tour, you know, I have a kid, he goes, you have a kid. And he's like, write that down. So he starts, he starts doing the pre-interview. Right. He's like, has that been- As in the commercial break. As in the commercial break. And I'm like, yeah that down. So he starts doing the pre-interview. Right.

He's like, has that, as in the commercial break? As in the commercial break, and I'm like, yeah, we can talk about that. I go, again, anything you want to talk about, we can talk about. And he's like, okay, and we go in there, and the whole thing's fine, right? It's fine because I was like,

you can just ask whatever you want. These guys aren't used to the concept. It's such a foreign thing outside of the work. It's fine, but the idea of having a conversation, talking to a person, and just asking them what questions that might seem relevant to the reason they're occupying your next seven minutes. They can't do like where the ones where they refuse to do even a moment of prep. And that happened to me in Hartford, Connecticut, where I got there, and they basically the club dropped me off. You're going to do the show, okay? And then the people who host the show kind of did the whole like, look, when was this?

Look, when was this? This probably was a... Sometime between Oh nine and 12 somewhere in that. So you're coming up, you're... Yeah, and I'm like a big draw, and they, you know, they're like, this is what really moves tickets, and you're like, okay. And the club's sending you that, you have to do it.

You have to do it. And so I'm sitting there and I'm like, and then we're gonna talk to me about like at all, and they're just waiting this room. So then the guy brings me out and it's him, he's like, I don't know, he's just kind of a fucking boner of a dude. And I mean, he's in heart-ford. He's in heart-ford, too.

Let's be honest, do it the morning. Yeah, he's not happy. He's definitely not happy. The girl that's with him is 30 years younger and she's totally just disconnected. I mean, she's not, she doesn't, I don't think he gives a shit. So instead of, I mean, not only are they not like,

what are we gonna talk about? He literally goes, all right, when we come back from the break, you know, just do your thing. And then he just like keeps writing down and I go, what's that? And he goes, yeah, when we come back from the break. Do your thing. And then he just like keeps right down and I go, what's that? And he goes, yeah, when we come back from the break, do your set.

Just take over. And I go, what are you talking about? And he goes, well, that's what we do here. Like, you're the comedian, we come back, just do whatever you want. And I go, I'm not going to say much. And he starts to like, go like, what do you mean? I go, I don't do, like, what do you mean take over?

Like, you think I'm gonna just start going crazy on the air, like, that's not like what I do. You should have said like, okay, I guess, you're not 100% familiar with my act, it's juggling, but all right, get me something. And just, just, I just pretend to juggle. The best was that he, he cited another commute, he goes, so and so was here a couple of weeks ago,

and he took all his clothes off, and I go, how did that play on the air? Yeah. And he was like, okay, and then he just started to scramble. And he was like, where are you from? I was like, I'm originally from Cincinnati. There you go, that's a start. He's like, all right, that's what's right.

And all we did for the interview, which was, you know, depending on how you want to look at it, a disaster or hilarious, I just made up everything. I'm going to go with hilarious. I was hilarious to me. That's all the counts. Yeah, exactly. He was just like in such a panic cult, called the radio or the club and was like, he was uncooperative and I was like okay and that's when I started doing pretty soon after a character. Yes Bert showed me DJ Datsun. Yeah and I have such respect and I mean that goes so much of what I do and certainly used to do before anybody knew who I was.

Like, I would fuck with people all the time. I bet you did. And, but not to that extent. You had a whole character. I love it. I love the kind of what you're talking about, you know, with when you go to the morning zoo crew and they don't know what fucking thing about you. And Bob Odenkirk Kirk and I when we were doing

press for Mr. Show and nobody knew who we were Pretty much until we were off the air but Every time we had an unspoken understanding that if the interviewer and this was easily half the time Didn't know who we were had just maybe read whatever press that they, you know, the summation or whatever that the person got from HBO and truly didn't know the

any of these like you guys are now you guys are supposed to be funny, you know, or whatever. So then we would just make shit up and I I mean, nothing, not a true word would ever come through our lips for the whole thing, whether it was live TV or whether it was print, just making shit up. And you can look at, I'm sure there's tons out there of old interviews where we just made everything up. And we're doing it for each other and trying not to break,

but trying to make each other laugh. And it's like nothing more joyful than remembering that. That's the best. It's the best. And especially when you're in the moment, and they're just going, okay, all right. And somebody sent me, I can't remember who it was, but somebody found an EPK thing I did for Kung Fu Panda, where the person, it was TV. It was definitely a video because they sent it to me. It was like some YouTube thing.

And they sent me this thing where they're asking me questions, but they truly don't know anything about the project or me. And I just made all, just the whole thing is a lie about my character was a dentist who got transformed, who came from another world. It was live action and then I get to go through this two-dimensional thing. Whatever, it was just 15 minutes of nonsense. And they're going along with it. They're like, it was just 15 minutes of nonsense. And then, and they're, and they're going along with their like, Oh, wow, that's interesting. So what did, and what

kind of dentist or whatever, they're just asking questions that, it's, it's so much fun. It's the most joy that I had, like, I eventually got to the point where I think actually with the, the character, it's that I started to sell tickets. And they'd be like, I'd get there and they'd go, take your shows or sold out. I'd be like, okay, cool. And they'd go, don't forget tomorrow morning, we're doing a good morning heart-ford. And I'd go, wait, why are we doing that?

And they'd be like, no, absolutely not. And they're like, well, it's important. And I was like, for who? And they're like, well, we have a relationship. I go, so this is for you guys. Yeah. And they're basically like, well, we need you to do it. And I'm like, well, we have a relationship, like, oh, so this is for you guys. Yeah. And they're basically like, well, you know, we need you to do it. I'm like, okay.

So that's when I would show up in character. And the best part about it, the thing that I had the most fun doing is they would go, the press people would be like, you know, what is going on? Why are you wearing this? And then they would say, so tell us about your shows. And I go, I don't really focus on stand up anymore. And they were like, and it would say like funny, but I go, it's all about the after party, you know? I thought, I'm gonna be DJing at this club. And you know, if you want to go to the show, it doesn't

matter. It's really about the club. We're gonna, we're gonna throw down. You'd see in the background, the club would be going like, why are you doing this? That's great. Did you know John Benjamin? Yeah, he's John Benjamin. Yeah, yeah. Cause that, his whole, basically, his whole presence, his reason for living is doing that. Like he, he's got, I mean, he's kind of the king of that stuff. Really? For over a decade, people have told me I'd look like him.

Like, for a little bit. Yeah. Like, I got tagged and, you know, on Twitter or something, you open, it's just like 100 people being like, you know who you look like and you're like, is it someone with a beard? Yeah. And then like, a little Jewie, a little less Jewie, more Jewie. I don't know, Jewie Err. Okay. I see it. There you go.

Yeah. But he loves to fuck with people. Oh, he's he and I have done a couple projects together and and just sort of on occasion just stumbled into like really fucking with people hard. Yeah Yeah, and a really fun way one great. I've just remembered this now. I was in a doctor's office in Beverly Hills and it was a very Beverly Hills ish, like, you know, clearly wealth and but also Beverly Hills. So it was like, I don't remember a whole lot of it except for it was really a well-appointed waiting room. It was a little darker than it normally would be and like leather couches. It's just very nice. And I've filled out my stuff and I'm in there waiting and this girl comes in and probably I'm gonna guess mid-twenties maybe and it's quite, you know, it's a doctor's

waiting room and she's sitting next to me on the couch and she starts a phone conversation with a friend and she's, you know, talking at this volume and like, oh my God, I mean, I would never, ever do that. Oh, please, and just going on and on, super annoying, talking about stupid shit. And I can't remember how, but somehow I saw her number or she gave her number or something. I wrote it down, wrote it like on my pant leg.

I went, took my phone out and I texted Benjamin. I was in LA, he was in New York and I texted Benjamin, the situation this girl is on the phone, she's being super annoying, please call her and tell her to be quiet. And he did. So she goes, hang on, I'm getting, hang on. Who is this? Like, hello? And I can't hear his side of the conversation,

just her side. What? What are you talking about? Who said, who are you? The whole thing goes, it goes way longer than you would expect it. It didn't go like 20 seconds. It went on for a minute and a minute.

I'm in the back. And I'm trying not to laugh And I'm trying not to laugh. I'm trying not to react. I'm literally next door. And she's looking around and it was great. I don't know. That's fucking brilliant. Yeah, that was, but he had her going the whole time

and I'm a doctor and, have you ever, do you know Brendan Walsh? Do you know the extent of some of his fuck with people things? No. Really? No. Really? I think he might be the hall of fame. Really? I think there should be a documentary about him.

All right. I mean, someone works with Benjamin quite a bit. Brendan did it? Yeah, dude. Okay. I mean, I don't even know where to start, but like, Oh, wait, no, I'm sorry. I'm thinking of somebody else.

Okay, no, I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. I'm thinking of somebody else. Okay, no, I'm sorry. I'm thinking of the home movies is terrible that I'm, I mean, he's a friend of mine. I'm a friend in small. So sorry, sorry, branded. But do you know Walsh? I don't. Dude, I mean, is that the guy looks like Danny Masterson?

I mean, he guess he kind of, Walsh may kind of does, but there's best-branded small. So Walsh? This is a very confusing podcast. This is a lot of people, I know. This motherfucker, dude. So, okay, here's one of the, I'll tell you a series of them. Yes.

Because he lives for this shit. So at one point in Silver Lake, which Silver Lake for people that don't know, East side of Los Angeles, it is like a very within a city that is a, you know, a blue city. It is a progressive enclave, I would say. Yeah, every kind of hipstery. It's very hipstery. You know, it's the cool kids and, you know, it is its own kind of hipster. It's very hipster. You know, it's the cool kids and, you know, it is its own kind of culture there.

So there was a gay bar that on Hyperion? Yeah, yeah. And then I used to live over there. I did too. I lived on Hyperion. I lived on Delong Pre, just right there. Right there, found.

So I lived at one point on Silver Lake Boulevard at one point on a high period. Well, that bar closed and Brendan had a sign made that he hung up above there that said Silver Lake Gun Club like coming soon. And like, you know, guns, guns like in LA are for a lot of people, they're like, it's a culture of people who are like,

why do people have guns, but Silver Lake, well a lot of people, they're like, it's a culture of people who are like, why do people have guns? But silver lake. Well, he also set up a website and a phone number. And it was just for people to be like, we don't want a gun club in our neighborhood. And he's like, it's America, brother, I can do whatever I want. It's just for people to complain angrily at him.

And I'm like, what do you do when they call? He's like, I just listen to them call. And then I'm just like, I can do what I want. This is a free country. And he had a site built with like an eagle that will have a shitty H- That's the next level. He, uh, circuit city closed down around there.

Mm-hmm. And then he put- And Sunset, I remember that. And he put Whole Foods coming soon just so people would be excited that Whole Foods was coming. Like there was no Whole Foods coming. And he would have a sign made.

Yes. A big sign. A huge, expensive sign. If he could get it up there. The one that was, he would also in the same neighborhood that was amazing was if you were going on a Hyperion towards atwater village over this bridge, there was a huge billboard that was, I mean, very high up and it was rotating ads. And then Verizon had an ad out about a new program for their fucking, I don't know,

their phone. So what it was, it was like, you know, get the new whatever Verizon plan. And it was two phones and it showed a text exchange like I'll see you later tonight and then the other person writes like can't wait to see you or something. Well he had huge stickers in the same color and font made went up there and placed them on the phones and then it said dad died and then it says LOL what? And then it goes what? Oh man. And so that was up for like two weeks,

you're probably by like the fucking billion. That was all Walsh. He would just do that. He would just, I mean, he took over like Twitter, you know, he had a Twitter account that he was playing his neglected 10 year old son. And that's how he would like promote his dates like.

Wow. My dad left me outside and people were like, interact with this kid. Like, you know, you need to call. Oh, dude, I need to learn more about this guy. Oh, dude, it was, it was, it was, but then people like that like, watch, you're also kind of fearful of, you know, you're always like, you're like, this is hilarious. And then you're like, please don't, ruin my life.

Don't bring me into this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It might be the subject. Yeah, yeah, he's brilliant. That's crazy. Yeah, so fucking funny, man. I was at this, this store, is there a Mr. Show book? Yeah, there is, right?

Yeah. And I want to say,, I'm pulling it from memory that I think the thing that I read was that you guys, like you would have these ideas for shows, like for sketches, but that Bob came, since he came from SNL writing, he knew how to like hone in, like, oh, that's a good premise,

but like it has to be written like this. I learned a lot from Bob and we did come from two very different schools, and my ship was all over the place. And it really worked well doing it together, because he's his first focus is like in a kind of classic sketch ways, like let's make this funny. My stuff would be funny, but it would be way too long, too sprawling, and he was able to edit and hone. And I was able to take his premises, which were more kind of classic sketch and it didn't really, and just give him a travel.

My whole thing was like, let's tell a story. We got four minutes, so it really meshed together really well. I could take his stuff in a direction he wasn't even thinking of, because his, again, this is like early on, but his focus was kind of, going from point A to point B with no, you know, diversions, and I would add these crazy things. I consider, I think I told you this before, but I consider you guys like graduate school for me, because when I move to LA.

Wait, you will get accredited. I will get accredited. Yeah, you didn't know that? Yeah, if you go watch all episodes to LA. Well, you will get accredited. I will get accredited. Yeah, you didn't know that. Yeah, if you go watch all episodes of Mr. Show and the DVD Commentary, DVD Commentaries like getting a, you know, I don't know about college, but MFA is that right? I think it's MFA here.

Is that the high one? Yes. Zoom, Zoom, Laudie. That's, yeah. Whatever it happens, the highest level of college or university, that's what you get. It's how you officially become a comedian. You get labeled a comedian.

Well, and, and do's. Yes, paid, do's. You have to pay do's. Physical do's, you know what? And I'm happy to take Bitcoin. That's fine. Oh, okay. Or hats.

Nothing physical though. Um, like, it's something that's like an NFT. That's something that I can't hold in my hand. But you can still sell. But somebody can tell me the idea of it exists and I go, okay, how much would you like for that? And then I'll sign over my house. That's our specialty here.

Okay, great. And yeah, all that you get accredited you can go you can actually teach in some Some islands in the West Indies. Yeah, teach comedy writing whatever anything you want. Yeah, you take it Whatever yeah, I love to do another language Do you speak other languages? I Mean all of them really I can't say well. Yeah See Tao languages? I mean all of them really I can't say well. Yeah. Sita. Whoa. Yeah. What was that? I somebody tell me I don't know. Okay. Do another one. Wow. That's Nordic. Sure. Yeah. I think that's

squeezing one out in Nordic. Yeah. Yeah. in the order. Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Dude, farts are fantastic. Thank you. Yeah. The fart gag in Todd Margaret is probably my favorite of all fart gags of all things ever. Thank you. That one was, I know there's some things at a really specific to English audiences, but that one, because you know about the Yorkshire Killer, the Yorkshire Ripper. That's a real guy. No.

And it's still a real sensitive topic to some folks. Really? So when I was doing like, I'm just ripping him, yeah. And he's, so the Yorkshire Ripper was a guy who was a serial killer in the mid to late 70s and killed a bunch of people. There he is, Peter Sutcliffe. Yeah. Looks nice in a tux, I'll tell you that.

You know, why would he feel the need to murder, look at him, he's got a good head on his shoulders, look, look at all this women. You see? Yeah, but they probably weren't. First of all, I wanna say this about serial killers. They're not all bad. There's a two size of the story.

Absolutely. And then the depopulation control is part of it. And like there's some of them have other fun size to them. And then not all victims were all great people. Let's just say that. And Tom, let's remember what were taught as kids. Do not judge a book by its cover. Exactly. All right. Don't judge a book by its cover. Exactly.

All right. Don't judge a book by its cover, even if it kills a serial. In a way. In a way. Serialized way. Yeah. I mean, you're trying to tell me that each of these women was a saint.

I don't believe I don't know enough about him. I don't like the looks of the one in the middle there. I don't like what she's bringing to the table. Oh, the eyes on a C12, you mean? Yeah, I'm not into that either. I'm literally judging a book by its cover though. I'm going against my own. Oh, you're sort of a bitch.

He got me. He did his own cliff, got me. Peter, you son of a, is he still alive? No, he's dead. He died, okay, sorry. Too bad, too bad. So, he died just recently. Oh, when? 2020?

Oh yeah. Just in time, COVID came and he's like, I'm outta here. I gotta go. I just got out of prison. There's some people that bid it during COVID that were like career criminals that you're like, wow, just it, like him, Bernie Madoff,

who just fucking took, I don't know, how many billions from people and then he was're like, wow, just it, like him, Bernie Madoff, who just fucking took, I don't know, how many billions from people, and then he was just like, oh, you caught me? I'm gonna die now. He's just dead. He's gone. So wait, you were saying though that the people in that area are still very sensitive.

There's some, yeah, it's still a thing. Like even to do it, like the actor who played the, the owner of the the football club. He was like kind of a also a classic actor who you know, in the way that didn't get today's kids comedy. Yeah. You know, and like even he was a little like he took the gig obviously, but he was a little like I don't find this funny. Can I ask you this about one? Because like, I like that show

and things that you've done so much. Do you ever get, I always wonder like, you know, when we see the final product and it works so well and you're like, oh, this, you know, it's fucking, like it's hilarious, right? You're just enjoying it, I'm saying as a consumer. Are there, is it common that you're on set and someone's just like, either playing it wrong or like, I don't get this

and you have to go, no, no, no, like the character is doing it like this and they're like, that doesn't make, does that happen with some of these? Well, I wouldn't say it's common, but sometimes it, sometimes you definitely get somebody who doesn't get the joke. I mean, we had that on Mr. Show. There were some people who really kind of good

at what they did, but they didn't, and we cast them for a reason, I guess, but they didn't get the tone. And as you say, they don't know the finished product. You're sitting on a set and you're doing it, you know, 40 different times and different sizes and angles and stuff and don't get exactly why it's funny. Like the way we would look at it. They're not seeing that part of it.

And so, but they'll still professional enough to just do their job. Yeah, and they want the gig and they're, again, they were, they auditioned, they were hired for a reason and you know I Remember I'm not gonna say who was but I worked with somebody on a project that I wrote and directed I was an in it for English television and

Who would occasionally put the cadence, uh, like the cadence was wrong on a, on a line. This happened a couple of times. And I had to work out this thing with the script supervisor where it was like a code where Because the number one thing you don't want to do is and I hate it as an actor is when the Director comes over and gives you a line reading. It's really kind of humiliating and and condescending in a way and And sometimes if I'm getting it wrong, I'll just say how do you want me to say it? If I'm if I'm not doing it the way you want just tell me how you do it I will do it that way, But it rarely gets to that point. But I have this one actor who couldn't, I'll tell you when we're done with this, who

it was. But who just, so I had this thing worked out with a script supervisor where I'd go, Hey, and I'd repeat it, the line, you know, like, hey, did we get this line when blah, blah says, so I could say it, then the script supervisor, then she'd say it back to me. And when I talk to the script supervisor about this, like how to say it, is what we're gonna do, I did it.

And, but it's, I don't know why I brought this up, sorry. No, no, it's okay, did the actress, like, or actor take offense or no, what was that? No, and, but did they then do it well? Or the way you, no, still no. No. Ah! You can only do so much.

Yeah. And they're like, all right, I give a shot. You like, we tried. It was, but there were also things like, haven't you, have you talked before, have you had a conversation where, who would say, nobody says this, nobody. I had one of the worst experiences that I've had acting

was I booked a commercial campaign that never aired. Okay. But I was told that it was, that's what you were. Fuckin', I don't know. It was, well, it was, Well, let's come on That's all time to face up to some truth. This it could be it could be that it was me But it was also with Jared from subway before he

Before or during well, we would we were sharing videos, but mine I was like these girls 19 bro No, but so we were doing this This huge campaign wait Tom hang on a second. Have you thought about like, wow, we were doing this. Was he trying to fuck 13 year olds? I thought, well, you were doing the, like in the, did this shoe take place over a couple days? Oh yeah.

Yeah, so he was probably going home. He probably was. Trying to fuck a 13 year old. He could have been. Yeah, so he was probably going home. Trying to fuck a 13 year old. He could have been. We did share a pizza and that was cool. Did it taste like young, come? That's enough. That's enough of that.

Stop it. It did. Stop it. He was... I don't know what that tastes like. What does it taste like? You know, it kind of tastes kind of sweet. It's good for a reason sweet in like a like the taste bud way or sweet and like a Sweet in that you've never come harder like it's it's it is

It's a special special place to be I think like right you're under arrest. Okay The commercial is under arrest this podcast is under arrest. Sorry. No commercial is under arrest. This podcast is under arrest. Go ahead. Sorry. I'm going to hear about you and Jared. Jared, great. First of all, I don't know about these charges. You ruined his life.

You ruined his lifetime. He, you know, it's funny. Like, you book it and here's the campaign just so you know. Actually, I think that you'll enjoy this. Jared could only promote healthy sandwiches because the whole reason he got the gig was he used to weigh like 500 pounds. He's like, all I did was eat like the turkey sub.

And so when he does commercials, he can only be like, hey, the turkey sub. Then they go, we need someone that can promote our unhealthy stuff. Which is almost all of their... Yeah, and that's where you come in, Tom. Right. So, the commercial campaign was that he...

Oh, look at that photo on the upper right, and it's whole new. Oh, shit. Yeah, I didn't think of that one. Oh, you got rid of it. Okay, smart. Yeah. All right, think of that one. I got rid of it. Okay, smart. Yeah. All right, go ahead. Smart.

Ah. That's him with a fan. So, they're like, you're gonna play his brother and then when he's promoting the turkey sub, you can be like, how about the chicken barge on sub, so that we can promote healthy. Sure, it makes sense. I'm like, great.

So you're gonna be his brother Jerome. And I really did tell I go, I think that's kind of a black eyes name. This is what I told the marketing people, I was 25 years old, and they were like, really? I go, I mean, yeah, I think that's kind of a black eyes name. There are white Jerome's, but I think most people, there really I go I mean yeah, I think this is kind of a black guy's name there are white Jerome's but I think there must be there are but I'm like I think most people think black guy I didn't when you said it I didn't they come back and they

go we had a meeting with our staff and they all agreed that Jerome is kind of a black name I go okay and they go see your new name is Germain. He's like, that's so much pleasure. So, then we shoot the, we started shooting the commercials. For real, Germain, they changed Jerome to Germain. Because they couldn't think of another, Jay, like Jerry, Jason, James, James, Jennifer, anything, Jamillion, and Jamara Kara quiet Janssen

P. Jacquell Quenna's the midden yeah, yeah, I don't get it. Go ahead. Go ahead. Sorry. So we go all right You know we're shooting these ads and My name is Jermaine His name is Jameen. Foleterious. Jerry's younger brother. That's fucking unbelievable. Jesus Christ. So we're shooting these fucking things and yeah, one day he has like a buddy that hangs

all the time and they're like, yeah, they're talking, they're pissed. They think Jerry's gaining weight and they don't want them to, you know, he can't, he had to stay within a certain weight range. And he had put on a few pounds. I guess this is the friend talking or the friend, the company. No, friends, yeah, their friends like, yeah. And then I was like, Oh, you know, I'm new. It's like my first day shooting this thing. I'm like, yeah, I, you look great, man. And then he's like, thanks, man, you want to get a pizza? I was like, sure. We start eating pizza.

And we're shooting the commercial. Oh, this goes back to you talking about how sometimes an actor is not doing what you want him to do. So whatever, Jair is on in this thing, I'm shooting this thing with the director. And he's like, and action. And I'm like, you know, these subs and he goes, no, no, no, go like, you know, these subs are like, I go, oh, I go.

So these subs, he's like, no, no, no, no, no. Be like, these subs, and he starts doing that. And dude, we get to like 20 times in a row. And I'm like, I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's happening. And he's like, you know, you're like, it feels like, you know, you're not like really doing like what you were doing. You know what I mean?

Like you really got to like change it up. And I'm like, what the fuck? It's like our first shot. And we're gonna do 10 commercials. Wow. So we're gonna shoot a series. Oh, campaign. Oh, campaign. And they cast you. Yeah 10 commercials. Wow. So we're gonna shoot a series. Oh, campaign.

Oh, campaign. And they cast you. Yeah, it was a long process to get a campaign like that. Oh, those things are the worst, dude. I mean, it was like, even just V.O. It's an excruciating, long process. It's so surprising. But the thing was on day like three,

grooving a little better. I finally do something where he's like, that's who I booked. That's why we booked you. Because what you're doing right now, this is fucking hilarious. And I'm like, all right, man, like thanks. And then I go to talk to one of the producers that is like, I think either from subway or from the marketing company that's, and I go, hey, when we shoot the rest of these, do we have different directors? Are they all gonna be with this fuckhead? And they're like, no, there'll be different directors.

I go, thank God. And I was such an amateur. I didn't realize that I was mic'd up. Oh. Everybody heard it, including the director. Oh, that was, oh. And then at lunch, I got it talking to. Wait, tell me about the talking to you. I want to hear about that. He goes, uh, he

goes, hey, let me talk to you. Because you're fine. Internally, you're fighting like being you're kind of nervous. And this is weird. But you're also, your gut is telling you, like, fuck these people. And fuck him. Yeah. You know, like, I also think, I mean, I realized how I was very inexperienced when that happened, right? But, like, It's potentially, so people know a lot of money. Many book one of those things.

That's, it's a big paycheck. Not only was it guaranteed money to shoot the 10, but then it was against residuals, meaning like as they start airing, then you'll make more. Yeah. And then Subway signed me to this thing where they're like, you'll do appearances. So I'm 25 years old. Huge money, you've never seen before.

And it was like, I mean, life changing at the time, money. And I'm like, and this guy's like, I mean, you're talking about line reading, he's cutting me off in the middle of everything I'm saying. Really rude, right? And then he's like, how come you're not doing like range. He's cutting me off in the middle of everything I'm saying. Really rude, not right. And then he's like, how come you're not doing like what you were doing in the audition? And I'm like, what the fuck am I like? And I'm like, I don't have clarity on what he wants.

I'm like looking around. I mean, not only is that shitty behavior just, you know, outside of that setting, but that's a bad directing, because he's not gonna get the thing he wants from you, the thing he needs. That's just poor, stupid, you know, that's amateur too. It was, our last exchange was, it went pretty poorly.

It was at this lunching. This was the last thing we had, this was the last personal conversation we had that wasn't on a set. He pulls me aside and I could tell he's pissed and I'm putting together that he heard. Or like, oh, you don't know that. I don't know exactly that.

Oh, okay. So he's like, you know, he's like, how do you think it's going? And I'm like, fine. Yeah, whatever that thing was fine and I'm trying to be cool. He's like, yeah, yeah. You know, when you get back to LA, maybe get in some acting classes, you know, that may think that would help.

I go, do you think it would help? And he goes, yeah, and I go, have you ever directed anything before? And he goes, I've been directing for like 20, something years. And I go, I couldn't tell. Wow. And then he was like, okay, so let's try to have like a nice, like, you know, like he just, he changed it. And it was like, he made the decision. Why don't you have a conversation you're done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now the, and the crazy thing is, I didn't know,

like these ended up shooting a few of these. And they got them to a place they were happy with. The C, like the CFO of marketing of Subway resigned, not related to the camera, like resigned from his potally job. That's how bad you were. That's how bad I was. And then a new guy came in and just killed all the campaigns

they were doing, because they had like multiple things going, killed them all. I didn't know, my agent didn't know. A friend of mine was who reads business news, multiple things going, killed them all. I didn't know, my agent didn't know. A friend of mine was who reads business news, read that and was like, hey, there's a new marketing director at Subway. So does that mean your campaign is dead?

And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? Then I call my agent, he was like, I've never heard of that. And then he calls, he's like, yeah, your friend's right. Your campaign's dead. So, he's like, yeah, your friends right, I can't face that. So, but you got guaranteed money, right? So, I only got the amount, I ended up making like, you know, a nice chunk of change for a look, I didn't get the sign.

Well, man, you were seeing like, oh my God, I'm gonna be a millionaire. I was spending money I didn't have. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it fucking, it fucked me up. And then I followed that guy because I wanted to send something, I was hoping he was dead by now. I went- The director.

Yeah, I wanted to send something like rude to the funeral service. Jesus, how petty and vindictive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I was gonna send this because you know how they have, like they do photos of like a somebody's image. Yeah, well, I was gonna send this because you know they have like they do photos of Like a somebody's image. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a moral A lot of easel. I was I want to have one made of all my specials like all the and

And then just have my net worth at the bottom and have it at the Memorial service and do you See miss that opportunity, but do you he's alive? Oh, he's still alive. Yeah, I can still do it So you could send it to his do you still live? Oh, we still live. Yeah, I can still do it. So you can send it to his house. Yeah, that's true. Or get a big, get your friend Brendan, and get a billboard across the street.

It's a good idea. With just plastered and then a transcript of this conversation. That'd be great. And then the same thing with your specials. Yeah, that'd be so fun. And your net worth can be on a digital clock that changes at times like the deficit. That's so good. Yeah, that'd be so fun. And your net worth can be on a digital clock that changes that rise like the deficit. Like the deficit. It just keeps spinning. Dude, that's such a good idea. And attached to the digital clock

is a fan. So every time the numbers move, it's like an analog. So every time the numbers move, it makes a breeze. So he's actually thankful for the breeze because it's hot, right? But he, now it's like, I don't know, I want to get rid of that. But every time Tom Sagoore makes more money, I'm cool down and it's a pleasant experience. So what do I do? And I feel like I finally understand

how you guys wrote sketches. I came with a very linear idea. And then you got through a lot of extra into it. There you go. Not a great bit. What was the thing that we rift when I was on your mother's house? We rifted a really funny thing. I came or was.

I remember, it was. I was like, you had to go to a neurologist or something. A surgeon for a procedure and then you reduced my dick size. Right. And I was like, that had nothing to do. And you're like, I was down there though, but I was already down there. Oh man, and then maybe last time.

Yeah, that was really fun. That was a fun riff. And I'm like, I thought you were just doing, I thought you were just doing like my hernia. And you're like, hey, but we were there, so we just took care. Anyway, so you're gonna heal up, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yeah. Why would you do that to my dick? Memories. Yeah, it's a good time to my dick? Memories. Yeah, it's a good time. I love it. Also, it's really, when I was here last, you had just gotten in here. Yeah.

And it was pretty bare, I mean, really bare bones, but it's really, it's come a long way. Yeah, I would expect more to have been finished in the long time. It is, it takes everything, it takes. Well, it doesn't have to. You're just choosing to, I don't know, hire lazy people, whatever, not lazy,

but not, you know, what are the, working three hours a day. I think the word is Texans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, people move here for a reason. I mean, it's so fucking slow, man. It's slow. Like, you can, you can call people and you go,

hey, I wanna buy a place. Can I buy an apartment? And they're like, so you're saying, I would like to do business. And they're like, oh, sounds great. And then you go great. So they're like, let me get back to you. And then that'll be like on a Wednesday.

So Friday, you go, hey, do you have anything? And they go, oh, we made some calls and we'll just get back to you. That's the Texas motto. Fuck. We don't have to care. We're Texas. We don't have to care. I swear to God, it's never. It's paper only here for the tax break. It's so much slower than I'm used. That's the biggest adjustment. I mean, do you guys find that too, like the slow, absolutely. It's so much fucking slower. It's, I have a house in upstate New York

at a very rural small town. So we're out in a by other small rural towns. And I love it, it's beautiful. Been up there for about 16 years. And yeah, really? Yeah, yeah. I love it, it's beautiful, been up there for about 16 years. And yeah, really? Yeah, yeah. I got it. I bought property and had a house built on it.

Middle and no, it's awesome. I, you know, but if anything, if you need anything, and I mean, any work done, anything, and I've had the heat go out and the winners, you know, can be a very harsh up there. And people, I've had, what was it? I had, I needed something done.

Oh, I had a squirrel, flank squirrel, infestation in the walls of the bedroom and had to have the the you know the the ceiling pulled down and you know all kinds of crazy shit. It's awful. It was it was one of the nastiest things I've ever seen and and then redone and then the just re put the wood back up and and I had to go through three, eventually three people, just people who were like, yeah, I'll do it. And people I knew from just being up there and they do kind of handyman, carpentry,

all kinds of jack of all trade type stuff up there. A guy who I paid for the wood, brought the wood, had it outside under like a little tarp, and it just stayed there. Just stayed until like, you know, I called him like five times like Stephen. Are we, what's going on man? He's like, oh yeah, yeah, no, I'll get to you. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, this week is not too, you know, and just, and I can't, I need, this is a huge hole in my ceiling and I, I got to put this in these, and then I would get somebody else and you ask around and people, you know, the internet's a lot more helpful now. You can go on the Facebook page for the town and people will go, oh yeah, if that guy just get this, you know, somebody, there's Cross and Pennsylvania, look him over and do it. But still anything, plowing, anything, they don't give a shit. At least, at least in your case, that is this rural kind of out of the way. Absolutely. Yeah. There's no excuse here. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. We went, like, we had to's no excuse here, yeah. Dude, okay, yeah. We went, like, we had to make a decision and we debated and we're like, we're gonna do this fence. It's kind of an elaborate fence, but it's a fence for the home, right? But it's like, meaning that like, it has different materials and it's more than just like posts.

Okay, it's a gaudy fence. It's a gaudy fence. It has pictures of my specials on it. It's pretty cool and you're in a And then the clock tick great great So I was like definitely let's show it off and we pulled up I list do it. We hire this crew guys great it's May Of last year and as it's like going on. I'm like

Hey, you know, I'm leaving town for like seven weeks. Do you think that this will be done when I get back? And he's like, pretty good chance, which would be sometime in August, because I'd left in the gym. Okay. We are entering March, and it is not complete. And I go, like, I actually, I went for the thing

where I would get ang, like, I got the fuck is going on. And now I just I actually I went for the thing where I would get ang like I got the fuck is going on. And now I just wave when I see them. How's it going guys? It's no conversation. Yeah. And because I already heard like the well the thing it well, they also hear a lot of this you go out that you hear a well, and then that's how an explanation starts. There's a big well. And then there's a teen,

there's Gat and they didn't show when they were supposed to. To be fair though, your house sits on 7,000 acres. So it's not a small fence. The fence is only 2,000 acres though. It's not the whole property. So oh, I'm sorry. So you have a fence about, you have roughly a little under a third

of your property fence stops. And then- I don't want them to get too close. So I don't mind if people are on the, okay, they can do feson honey and they're olives on the outside. I just want them to get, do you have an olive tree?

I do, I keep it, I keep it way out there cause I think they're gross. They're disgusting, because they're fresh. But you like cold press extraversion for just shitty olives. No, but the olive oil, you like olive oil. But you like cold press extraversion. Hands for shitty olives. No, but the olive oil, you like olive oil. I do like olive oil. Is that weird, do you think?

No, because you like the subconsciously, like the physical violence it takes to the olive, to put the olive through, to get its life force, its life juice. The juice of a squeezed out of it. Yeah, and I like to imagine that act. That's way like the olive oil. Do you have a food that you hate? I'm sure I do. Let me think. I don't like cranberry sauce. I really, oh, and sweet potatoes, which is, I'm from the

south and there's a lot of sweet potatoes and things. I don't like cranberry. I don't like cranberries. I don't like cranberry sauce. I don't like cranberry. I don't like cranberries. I don't like cranberry sauce. I don't like it anywhere near anything. And when it's also in Thanksgiving, everyone's always like, here's the special treat. And I'm like, it's not for me though. And most people don't like it. And it will not admit it.

We have an entire country. Of liars. Of liars. Yeah. That are perpetuating the stupid bullshit myth. The cranberry sauce is amazing. It's infuriating. They're trying to prop up the least pleasant berry.

I kind of feel this way about that I feel like a raspberry is delicious, but raspberry sauce on a dessert. I'm like, you could put that off. Oh, I disagree. I'm the opposite. I don't like raspberries. But you do like raspberry sauce. I do like raspberry sauce can put that off. Oh, I disagree. I'm the opposite. I don't like raspberries. But you do like raspberries. I do like raspberry sauce.

I'm paying cakes or waffles or something. Wow. Okay. I like raspberry sauce. I don't like just a painful, a bit of a raspberry snack. We've got blueberries. Yeah, they're all right. Blackberries.

Strawberries? Yes. Yeah. Come on. I do like a good strawberry. Come on. Thank you. Is that, thank you for reaching inside, deep inside and finding that. I do like a good strawberry. Come on. Thank you. Is that thank you for reaching inside deep inside and finding that

I'm a better person for man. That's what we do here Life's are being changed. I mean those people right now lives are being changed. There will be a new watch There will be a news article next week about you and berries. Okay. I promise I keep forgetting the Massive reach this thing has oh berries are forgetting the massive reach this thing has. Oh, Barry's are coming. The berries are in the news. Okay. Yeah. They're about to be. You're speaking in future tense in the present, but when this thing goes out, oh, yeah. You listen to me. Barry's are going to be in the news. Okay. If we got sick up, there's upstate New York area where the house where you have the place does that have like a picture berries?

Is that like a is that Barry country are there? No, not really No, there's a lot of farms there But not no no real berries. Is there any food that is like except like that you can get just in that farm area that is exceptionally good? You know the Tertalize there's a lot of turtles. Yeah, we get turtle eyes. Have you seen that video of that The greatest thing about living in the present day is that you can make up some bullshit thing and then the next responses Have you seen that video? Of that guy and everybody has the same response.

I have no idea what you're talking about. There was a video that went fucking crazy viral of a guy, and he has a turtle, and he's like bathing it. No, he's bathing it, right? Everyone's like, oh, like this guy's taken the turtle to the turtle spot and then he just fucking just fucking cracks its back, splits it open, chops it, and then makes a dish. And you're just, everyone's like, what the fuck?

Because turtles are adorable, and I don't think we've ever seen. If it's a chicken, you go, yeah, people do this. Right, right? But this turtle thing, and it also starts, it's a slow build. It's a slow. Is it like in his bathtub or something? It's like, no, it's a, that's definitely not it. It's a, I think it was on Twitter and it was,

it looked like one of these, no, it looked like one of these, you know how like men with pot is a thing where it's like, a guy is out in the, I don't know. I don't know. This is like a pot. Men with pot is like a huge account like a guy is out in the air. I don't, I don't know. This is like a pot. Then with pot is like a huge account where a guy is out, like there's a stream, right? And then he has a knife and then he goes,

and he cuts garlic and then he starts a fire. And it's like, it's very stylistic. Oh, pot for cooking. Yeah, not weed. Yes, okay, got it. Yeah, and it's very stylistically done. And it draws you in, make, cut, you watch it and you go, I'm gonna do that. and of course you don't fucking do it.

And this guy is doing kind of a similar thing where it's like turtle and he's like, like throws water on the turtle is just like, you know, chilling like, thanks, thank you, sir. And then you just see him, you know, this shell off and you're like, and it's alive.

I mean, I, or he has just killed it. Maybe he's just killed it. It's, there's never a harder transition in emotion that I felt than looking, than like seeing this turtle that, I don't know, turtles are one of those animals that everybody I think thinks is adorable, like you see a turtle and you're like,

that's a cute animal. And the swing to him being like, this is dinner. You're like, oh fuck. Yeah. Yes, and if you're wondering, yes, yes. It's delicious. It is good. Yeah.

That reminds me, when I just moved to LA and I've been there for about a year, I'd say. And I moved from Boston, I'd never really spent any time. Right into Hollywood, you know, baptism by fire type thing. And then some friends that I'd made We had done some project me and friend Rob Cohen and we finished and some other friends friends of his finished and we were like, we're gonna

go to Cabo San Lucas and just spend, you know, four or five days there. And I'd never been on a luxury thing. I never had any money and I was like, this is gonna be great. And I think there were five of us. And we booked a, you know, a deep sea fishing, of Marlin or whatever it was.

Yeah. And, uh, um, and we're like five kind of pasty white guys from, you know, Hollywood writers, comedy writers. And we were saying to the boat when they went out with father son and then the, uh, an assistant they had, but it was, uh, if we catch something, we wanna release it, and we don't wanna, we just wanna catch it, take a picture, then let's put it back in and all that stuff,

and they're like, okay, okay. And it's just nodding, you understand, right? Yes, see, yes, yes. Okay, and we go out there, and we're out there for hours, and it's big fucking rig, those massive fishing poles that are in those holders and it took all of us like 20 minutes. And isn't it so exhausting? It's really, really tiring.

I've done it a few times, I couldn't believe it either. Roeing, you know, pulling something that, your arm is burning and you're like, and you're out in the sun and you're drunk and you're, you know, and you're just like, and it was great. And we all literally, we would switch, you know, somebody getting the seat and do 20 minutes and then finally got in this big beautiful Marlon. And we get it up,

we get in thing and immediately as soon as it's coming, they run down, push us out of the way, like physically push us, bring it in and start beating the shit out of it. Beating it with a club, a bloody club, and just beating it to death. We're like, oh, hey, just beating the fuck out of it. Because that's, you know, that's $300, $400 for them. Sure. And we're going like, hey, so if we do catch a fish, can we, can you take $400 out of your pocket and throw it into the water please?

And, and I remember just all of us like, oh, no, just beat the fuck out of it to death, bloody. And we're standing in its blood. Poppin' out of its head, yeah. And you're like, this is cool. And so quickly, just running down, and it also became clear like, they've done that, they've had this conversation that's scenario 100 times

where people are like, and we don't wanna hurt the fish, please, sir, we wanna put it back. Yeah, of course, of course, yep, got it. We know, yeah, my cousins, when I was in, my mom's from Peru, so I would go down there a lot. And you know, you just realized that certain things that are the norm here, they are just like, like even, I mean, probably now, I guess maybe vegetarian is probably more common, but when I was

a kid, if you were like, I don't eat meat or pork, I'd be like, bye. Well, you're not going to eat that. Yeah. And they, there's't eat meat or pork. They're like, bye. Like, huh? Well, you're not gonna eat that. Yeah. And they, there's only so much ceviche. They took us to a slaughterhouse one time. But dinner? No, not just, just not even to like, just for a punishment.

Just like, you wanna see something? Like that. And we put on like, knee high boots, I remember, because there's just blood and guts everywhere. Hell, do you? I was probably 13. we were just like, standing there and you're just seeing an anal just get disemboweled.

Why the fuck would your, does your parents? No, no, just like cousins, you know? Oh, cousins, sure. Well, they're probably having fun with the Americans too. Probably, yeah, yeah. They did a number of things that were, you know, cancelable. Yeah.

And, um, and I was like, Oh, Peru has been canceled. Oh, yeah, that's, yeah. That's a rough shape. Um, but then we literally leave there and they're like, do we get to hamburger? And you're like, oh, okay. And like, you know, that was just like,

they didn't get swayed by the things that would, I think, affect. The thing, have you ever driven, you know, L.A. to San Francisco and you go through, what is it, Harrisford? What the huge cattle ranch? That's on the five. Yeah, on the five. You can smell it before you can see it. That's the thing that is off-putting.

It's less about the slaughterhouse stuff because they have that big restaurant there. It's massive and there's nothing else around if you've been, it's nothing from, you know, miles and miles and miles, but this huge cattle ranch and people are like, oh, it's fresh hamburgers. It fucking stinks of shit. Like, I'm not stopping here.

It could be the greatest tasty of steak, but it stinks of death and shit. It stinks so strong. It's so strong. It stinks before you see anything. So you're just driving and you're always like, it's like Iowa. You're like, did you fart?

And then basically a few minutes later, you're like, oh, Iowa has a very strong stench. The entire state, as you enter Iowa, and you don't see anything around. You're like a big Cedar Rapids guy, am I wrong? I mean, it's my number one place. That's what I'm, yeah. I mean, I own a large chunk of it, again, Bitcoin.

Bitcoin? Actually, I think I am playing Cedar Rapids. Really? I believe I'm not sure, but I think I'm in Cedar Rapids. They have the Turtle video. Oh, Ant. In Cedar Rapids?

It's the home of this Turtle video. This is a... Or if I'm not in Cedar Rap, I am in the island. This is a Star. No, I don't want to see it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it.

I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it.

I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it.

I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it. I'm saying, I don't wanna see it just ends in massacre. Oh, do you think he was like, hey, hey, videotape this shit. That's gonna be great. No, when you see the guy, you totally get that it's like those guys, it's not even, I don't want to say those guys in the boat who are like, this is money. This is like, he's like, this is what I eat all the time. Yeah, I mean, look, logic.

It's an Asian guy and I think of that's it. It changes everything. I cannot be a part of this. I'm not gonna be, look, why do we have to go there? We eat different food. Okay, I really have been here. Yeah, shark fin soup. It's, have you had shark fin soup?

I haven't. I heard from, it's supposed to be great, right? Well, here's the thing. It's very exclusive, but I've heard that, unless you have a taste for it, most people would be like, I don't think I would like it. I don't think I would like it either.

I like seafood, but I don't think I would like shark fin soup. No, there's some seafood. I don't like seafood. It's supposed to be like a great honor if somebody serves you shark fin soup, you know? Maybe it's just a Really maybe one the longest practical jokes that's been played on humanity

Going back hundreds and hundreds of years a thousand years Give that asshole shark fin soup tell him it's good tell him it's an honor. Tell him it's an honor. Tell him was a thousand dollars Hey, can I go to the bathroom? Absolutely. Okay. I'm gonna take a piss real quick piss break you peed I was saying that when I, when I was in New York, I did Brooklyn and I actually got, it was like a dream come true to me. I had DJ premiere from Gangstar, DJ the show. Wow, wait, DJ, you were, how does that work?

So he does, he's basically the first act. Okay. So it's like people get seated and there's house music playing. And then I would go either voice a God or even on some of the shows I came out. And so which is like weird, right? Like your person you came to see walk

and I go, I don't normally do this and I just gave him an introduction and then he would do a set. He would do like a 20, 30 minute set. And he would do like involve the audience, do sing along stuff. That's great. One of my favorite things he would do

is he would take a very popular song in hip hop, and then strip it down, and then break it all the way down to the song that they sampled. So it would be like some 70s. Oh, but he would go in and then put it and then put it back together. Oh, very cool. Cool stuff like that.

What's his name? DJ premiere. DJ premiere. Yeah. So he did that on a couple of the shows, which was so fun. And then when he was done, he would introduce the first comic and play them on. And it was just like, it was just like a special thing we did for the New York. That sounds really cool. That was fucking. them on and it was just like, it was just like a special thing we did for the New York way. That sounds really cool.

That was fucking nice. I'm going to do on the second leg. I should say if you go, if you do, if you are interested in seeing my show and you go to officialdavidcross.com to get the dates, that's only the first leg. We're going to do three. The second leg will be announced. I think I don't know when this comes out, but it just comes out. Yeah, 313. Yeah. Oh, it'll be announced by then. Okay. Yeah, there's three legs. So if they'll be the New York show because you know, you get people you put your stuff up.

Yeah. Okay. How come you're not doing whatever? And you're like, it'll we're coming. Do you know, you get people, you put your stuff up. Yeah. Okay. Okay. How come you're not doing whatever? And like, it'll, we're coming. Do you know how fucking it? So I did multiple legs, this, this tour that I've been on started in August of 21 that I'm still on right now. Jesus. And so, so, so he, so how do you, uh, you will put out especially? Yes. I recorded it already. But you're not gonna I'll be air it. I'm gonna I don't have well I haven't announced it yet, but I know the the release date now and then you'll stop touring with the Cheerio. Yeah, I wow that's that's a long

Yeah, it wasn't it wasn't on the road planned and But the funny thing was so we announced the first, because like the first leg, if it's August, I go, let's announce August through December, right? And it would say, I mean, we tried to be like always emphasize it. I go, this is the first leg. You could try to do it as many times as you want. More dates coming soon. No.

And every single time people be like, what the fuck? Yeah, yeah. How can we not get in your hands? Always, man. Always. Let me just stop. I just go, just stop. I don't even put the thing on there anymore. I mean, I can say this here, I can repeat it.

This is just the first leg that are gonna be two others. And people will hear this and still go on there and see it and go, how come you're not playing? Why'd you have Phoenix? You know, Spokane, you know, and I'll be there. And we would call it, we called it World Tour. And then people would go, I guess North America is the whole world.

I go, it's the first leg is North America. Like the world stuff is coming every day. Can't call us a World Tour if you don't only play North America. That's, I know, that's why I play Southern Sudan. That's why, you know, I've got a month in Southern Sudan. Yeah. And it doesn't sell well at all.

And I lose money, but at least I can say world tour. By the way, what was the last special called? I'm from the future. I'm from the future. And I don't want to give it away, but this is one of, I have to tell you is one of my favorite things about, I've always enjoyed about your standup, is that you are, I call it as a high risk, high reward.

Where, because the most fun part of doing standup, I think is taking a risk, right? Oh fuck yeah. If you develop, like, you know, like I'm in the place now where I'm developing some trying to come up with new stuff. You can get to a point where you're 15, 20, 30 minutes in of stuff and if there's not risk involved somewhere,

there's something internally you feel, right? Where you go like, what someone's like, how's it going? You're like, good, right? Good, like I'm just, it's getting off. I have to feel exactly the same way. Yeah. But one of the things I consider to be a risk

that because so many people are uncomfortable with it, so many comedians don't do it well. Refuse to do it is they will not take the risk of taking a long time to build a moment. Like any silence makes them uncomfortable. So what happens is they speak faster, they speak louder, and they'll add things that don't help the bit, and they don't help the joke.

And it's all because of the panic of, where is this going? Absurably. Why is there silence? And your first bit in that, I remember what, because I watched it the day it came out. Well, I was like, this is like, it's such a, and your audience knows like this is going somewhere,

but there is this moment of like, where is this going? Why is this going there? And I don't wanna give it away so that somebody can go and enjoy it, but it is a long buildup. I'm pretty proud of that opening. Yeah, it's fucking fantastic.

And it's the most uncomfortable thing about the whole aspect of it is coming on and not saying hi, not doing the thing, like, hey, everybody, whatever, just not addressing in any way and having to let it let the thing die down to silence. And then like, and then titters like, what's he doing? Why is he doing this?

And then starting and my biggest regret forever and ever will be that I didn't get to take that bit out on the road. Like I didn't get to do that in the places that might be a little bit more, you know, less amenable to my... And more uncomfortable. And more uncomfortable. And because those moments are incredible and real in the live room. Yeah, and if I'm not, you know, if people aren't complaining somewhere, then I'm not, I've failed in some degree.

I totally agree. I want, I mean, getting the messages or hearing from the promoter, we had a walk out and they just sent this. I'm like, that feels so amazing inside. Well, I would walk on two tours ago. I could see the walkouts. I had almost every single show I had people walking out. I had people, some quietly, you know, and I could just see them and some were very vocal.

Some were woman-threw, tried to throw beer at me on Tampa and people going, you know, fuck you motherfucker. And yeah, and I had a, on that tour, I had a code with my tour manager because it got pretty hairy, sure, sometimes. And I had, if I asked for a certain beer, then that meant get all my shit out of the green room, put it on this chair, have the exit door there. I'm not going to do an encore, keep it going like I might do an encore, and then I'm getting

out of there. That just meant I'm running to the bus. Because you could sense where this is going. Yeah, it, um, and then the last tour I did for O'Comann I was in Pittsburgh and There were it was a theater where You know, sometimes they just supply It's a union thing or whatever their security there. What the ass were or not, there's a security guy

or two guys in the front of the stage. And I was, and also, I don't do any, outside of the, I'm from the future thing, I don't do any really hard shit up front. I rarely do. I like ease into it, you know, so that by the time you're in the middle of it, you're like, you know, I like to think that even if you hate something that I'm saying, at least

there was 20 minutes of benign shit. You know, you can laugh at universal stuff. So I wasn't even into the hard shit yet. And I, whatever, I don't remember the exact bit. I had something about Trump or whatever the fuck it was. And I'm at least 20, 25 minutes in. And this guy, to the left, security guard, to the downstage left, is in front. He's got the windbreaker, black windbreaker with white, block security lettering on the back.

And he just goes, this is fucking bullshit. I fucking quit. And he tears off his jack and he throws it down. He walks up the aisle to the theater doors and the best thing about it visually is like it was in the center, right, the two doors and it's backlit. So you can, he opens the door, there's a flood of light and then the door slowly closes and you can hear him. Like, he's like, Motherfucker, this. You know, but you also see him yelling and point, but you can't hear him very well. Holy shit. And everyone thought it was a bit, especially the where it came in. It was like, you wouldn't,

you couldn't script it any better. Like if you were going to script a guy making a scene and I've had plants before, I've done shows where there are plants in the audience. So, everybody was waiting for the rest of the time waiting for me to come back and like, wow, that's a great commitment because you stayed there for 20 minutes pretending he was security.

That's a, if you ask me, I wish you had that on video. That's, I've thought this before because sometimes when you're on stage, I've seen the same guys you're talking about. And a lot of times, they're seated facing the audience because what they're supposed to do is- These guys were both standing facing the audience. Yeah, facing the audience.

And sometimes, just like, you're in your act and you're just kind of working through it. And as you kind of maybe are transitioning to something, you turn and you'll see the guy. Sometimes you see the guy laughing. And you're like, oh, that's kind of, it just kind of, sometimes you see the guy laughing. And you're like, oh, that's kind of, it just kind of, sometimes you see the guy sleeping, you know, sometimes you see the guy gesturing to somebody.

But I've always, it's run through my mind. Like, what if this guy really didn't enjoy this? And you had the greatest example of that. Like, I got quit as a job. I got quit. God, it's amazing. He quit. And to my credit, I was like, don't, he's just upset.

And I get it. He didn't sign up for this. Don't let him get, you know, don't let him leave. Let him come back. And, you know. He's terrible at his job. We can all agree on that. He did not do well with security.

Well, he's gonna beat the shit out of me. So he did, it was great at his job. He kicked himself out. He hoisted himself by his own petard. He dragged himself out of that. To save me, it was pretty selfless. Yeah, I bet that there, I mean, you've probably had some epic walkouts, you know?

Oh yeah, I mean, over the years too, man, some, and vocal, you know, fuck you motherfucker. And the woman to Tampa was, she literally, she came down the aisle, she went to throw her beer, at barely, I mean, it barely like clipped the stage, and she threw her beer. And then, people in the balcony were kind of yelling at her, and she literally walked, can I do this on the floor?

Yeah, sure. So she literally walked all the way up this wall. It's a theater, all the way up this long. It's a theater. Yeah. All the way up, both middle fingers and doing circling, circling like this. Fuck you, motherfucker, fuck you, fucking asshole. I didn't say all this shit all the way up.

So to the point where it was entertaining. Yeah, sure. You know, it would be completely fucked up the flow as you might imagine. And it's important to have passions as a passionate person, you know. Which he believed in, you know, pro choice or whatever it was.

Or whatever it was, yeah. Probably a pro choice, no. Cheers. To all pro choice women, congratulations. Thank you. I have a bunch of stuff that I have cut and I'll just sort of save it for next time. We were talking about this before we started recording. I think we, I don't know if we were recording it. When we were talking about the kind of sourdough, bread,

the aspect of doing stand-up, or by the time, because everything spreads when you're doing a tour and you experience things on the road that become part of the set. And I don't want to do. My sweet spot is like an hour and 15 with an on-core two if the audience wants it. And I have a- You'll come after 115?

Yeah. And do how long I mean First of all, I mean, I know this is self-indulgent and not really You know it's self-indulgent, but I mean I'll be I'd happily be up there for two hours God I mean happily. I love it. I love it. And if the audience is loving it and I'm you know pretty good at Sussing that out, you know, yeah, that's so long to me. I mean what is it is long? If I like it, well, yeah, if you're enjoying it. That's true. If I tour so it happens is when I start touring You know what I build I build the hour right and so when I first

I'm like, I you know book me in a bigger place. It's like, at first, I'm hitting like 55. And then, you know, a couple of months later, it's 65. And then as the tour progresses and you're, you know, you drop some stuff, you're like, yeah, I'm done with that. But then when I get to like 75, I always feel like, oh, I'm getting, I'll feel like I'm up here too long. Yeah, I totally get that. And it's a smart thing to be able to intuit and be on stage, you have to. You know, you can't, you know,

you have to separate like, oh, I wanna do this. I'm having fun with, okay, this is, yeah, this is about me now. Let's get the fuck off. And then do you do the thing? Cause I've heard other people will comment, are your on-course your best, like do you save your best shit for the encore? No. Okay. No. My best shit is what you're, you know, getting in the show. And I have good stuff that's really fun. It's probably the stuff I do in an on-core is probably more fun, and it's fun for me to do, but it also, you know, something that people don't really consider, understandably, they're not stand-ups

whatever, but sequencing is a really important part. And sometimes it takes a while to get that right, and when you have it sequenced, it's all about flow, and I don't want to interrupt the flow that I have. So these other bits are kind of unto themselves. And so they'll be in the next tour I do, or I'll do it in the encore, but it won't be in the special. But I have so many at this point,

because again, when you put a special out there, it's usually like 75 minutes tops. Yeah, the tops, yeah. And they're always asking you now, I mean, most like streamers and stuff, they're like, can you cut that down? They went shorter and shorter. And so 75 minutes is like the sweet spot, really.

And then the rest of it becomes either drop it as you said Yeah, and I have some stuff that I really like that was fun to do But it just the flow isn't right. It's it feels like I'm it's like a speed bump I'm too I'm talking about this thing too much or the same style of joke and and so then I got that in my back pocket for later Or it becomes on core, but it's not gonna mean the special. So I can do it next tour and it'll flow better. But I have a couple bits that I really, really enjoy doing that will just be on core because, you know,

it's as I said, it fucks with the flow. The flow of the show. Yeah fucks with the flow. The flow, yeah. Pull up the dates, go to officialdavidcross.com. And again, this is just the first leg. This is the entire tour, as David just said, there will be nothing at it. Like that bigger, if you don't mind. There'll be more Canadian dates, I'll go to Europe,

you know, more in America. Oh yeah, I've done Terry Town, yeah, I've done that place. Oh yeah, you're going Omaha, Colorado. Omaha's great. It is. That was the last show on the last tour I did. And I remember, like, surprise being like this.

Yeah, and doing that thing that is, I still do, that's so stupid that I haven't learned my lesson after 30 plus years of just going, looking at the audience, going, I was gonna suck. And being wrong, or going, this is gonna be great and being wrong. And I, I remember looking out and was like, the last, it was like 80 shows I did,

and was gonna be the last one. I'm like, oh man, I'm in Omaha. I'd never been there before. Yeah. I mean, this like civic theater thing, whatever it is. Like, uh, and they were great. Yeah. Omaha was fucking awesome.

There's always surprises. Loved it. Loved it. I'm very excited to go back. Okay, see, I had a great time. Yeah, I did. Uh, I had that on two tours ago when they I was one the same thing you're describing I called my agent I'm like why am I going to Springfield, Missouri

right now. Yeah, he was like you don't remember us talking but I go no I don't want to be here and it was like the best show of the tour. I was like oh you just never know. I make notes. I do that now. I'll make notes about all of it. The theater, the venue, the city, the show, and the hotel. I do. Oh, that's smart. Yeah. I do call immediately, and I go, write this down if I think of venues. If I go, I don't like this venue. Don't put this on. Like, make sure this is. Yeah. Yeah. I made that mistake. I don't want to say where it is, but coming up, there's a there's venue where I found my notes this after well after the tour was booked. I'm going back forth

with the booking agent and and then I found my notes about this one particular place, which which is a city I love. But I was like not underlined. underlined, not this place. Don't go there, it's not good for comedy. There's some places that just aren't good for comedy. I agree. And I don't think Booker's really get that. And I played a couple, like, to get ready for this and build material, I went, I did a bunch of, like,

the way I used to do it where I'd go out and have a band open, I'd go with a music venues, standing room, and that's when I do like two and a half hour shows. That's where Shut Up You Fucking Baby came from, that tour where I'd have a band open up, and I'd go right out and then do, and it was just a different thing. And I went out to, I kind of did that again. It was my wife's idea to go out and build material. Normally, I would just do in Brooklyn, you know, get on my bike or walk to a place.

And there were a couple of venues that, you know, and I worked with a booking agent who didn't do comedy. You did music because of that. Bands playing this kind of rooms. And there were a couple places like, I know you guys don't know this, but this is not good for comedy. It's good for a band, but it's not good for comedy.

A thousand percent. And I actually feel like, you know, obviously, like music, I enjoy it, I like seeing music. It is a different setup that works better for that. And there's people that, I don't know, some of the promoters are like, what? I'm like, dude, this is not. And I can't expect them to know.

And sometimes I'd say, it wasn't very good because of this. They're like, oh, well. They take personal offense. And you're like, I'm not telling you, I'm just telling you. Yeah, it's a thing, you know, if you they take personal offense. You're like, I'm not telling you what you. I'm just Yeah, it's it's a thing. Just you know, you know, if you're a standup, you know, and you know what pretty quickly, you know, half fuck. Yeah, right. It was a good first standup. Um, so you said you might be starting a podcast though soon. Yes. And, uh, uh, Bert was so,

uh, helpful and, helpful and informative. And we talked before we started the podcast and then two hours on the podcast and then like another half hour in his driveway, he was giving me a lot of very helpful advice. Oh, cool. And I told him and I'll say the same thing to you and your wife, you know,

I expect you guys to come on and fucking bring it. Bring the, and teach, teach this old boy. Do our things. You'll be like, hey, when we start, you do your thing and take over the show like that. Yeah, I don't wanna ask you any questions. I'll probably be on my phone.

Yeah, great. You can't hear it, can't hear me on phone. And you guys just do what you do. Do what we do. And will we, uh, are you doing out of Brooklyn? Yeah, or it'll either be, it'll be a New York. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. That'd be awesome. Yeah. So at some point, I'll let you know, and I'll let everybody know, but I would love to. Man, I'm a huge, huge fan of yours. So you heard it here first. Yeah. You, um, Dago see why are blacks so allowed the tour with special guest, John Patton tickets are available at.

That's in the, I don't want you to give away the parentheticals. Of course you can't. That I don't reveal that to later. Well, I know it's the last, it's the last quarter of the of the hour. I've seen it. No, I can't really, can't wait to see it. You really are so, so fun to watch on. Well, come to the Austin show. I'm doing, I really can't wait to see it. You really are so fun to watch on Scum and Chon. Well, come to the Austin show.

I'm doing, are you gonna be here? Are you gonna be on tour? I mean, I'm done touring. So I'm in and out of town for the next two months, but then I'm home. But it depends on what the date is. What's the date, you know? I think it's on the earlier side.

I think it's in April. If it's in the beginning of April, I can go. I don't, I'm not sure when Austin is, I'll be at the paramount. Oh, it's a greater. Yeah, it's great. Oh, I shot a special there. Oh, there it is, March 29th.

Can you move it? Can you reschedule it? I'm gone. I'll just have Sean do it, and then I'll come back. Dude, that's perfect. Yeah. We'll be here. Actually, wait a minute.

I am here. Okay, all right. I am here, wait, don't move the date. Did you fucking just move the date? I did move the date, but I, yeah. It's just, it's now Kathy Griffin. Dude, dude, I am in town. I'm coming.

All right, cool. I'll let you and the whole family can come down. The kids can come? Yeah. They're young. Held? They're seven and four now. Is that too young?

I think that's per my daughter's six. It's good age. She gave me some good notes. Okay. Give me. I have a couple things that you'll appreciate. Some things specific to, she basically the title came from her.

Oh, really? Yes. And the worst of that, the worst of it. And she's told me that. I'm the worst atting in the world. And she's not just saying that. They, she had test run. She had, she filled out all the forms.

She sent in some blood work. Then she, we know. We know. Specifically, I am in the running for the top five. That's the worst at it. In the world. That's pretty cool. That includes a guy in the space station.

I mean, it's everybody. My son last night, I watched him hit, I always hit his little brother, and I was like, go to your room, and he was so upset, and he walks into the room, he goes, you're making my life miserable. I'm gonna make your life miserable. And I go, don't you fucking threaten me with that shit. He's seven. I go, don't say that shit.

He goes, I will make your life miserable. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Chill the fuck out, dude. First of all, I believe you, and don't do that shit, okay? Yeah, he's, he's, they- I gotta tell you something. I don't wanna give away too much from, well, there's one thing my daughter said to me,

we were having this, this isn't in this set, but we were having this epic standoff. And I, unlike my wife, I will not bend. I will not bend. And she, she was, this is when she was like four and a half, I wanna say. And she had this habit, and we were trying to break her of it,

where she would kinda snort, my wife thought it might be allergies and stuff with her doctors, and it was like a psychological thing. And, but it was gonna fuck up her throat. And so the doctor said, you know, and he said this also for her benefit too, like gargle with warm salt water,

and that'll help, and that'll go away. And she didn't like doing that. And she had this little stepping stool. She said, up to the sink, yeah. And the first time, my wife was in Toronto for the months. We had come back, we were locked up there because of COVID. It's a whole other fucking crazy story.

But I got out the second I could, we were up there for half a year. And it was awful. And I just went home with her when we could, the minute we fucking could. And New York had opened back up. Patrona was locked down. And New York was great. It opened streets, shit, and it was beautiful.

It was awful. I mean, awesome. And so we're there by ourselves for the month. And I'm at home in Brooklyn. She's standing in the stool. You got to do it. I don't want to do it. You have to do it.

It's all basically, I know that it's to break her of this bad habit she has. It's going to be bad for her, you know, physically. And an hour and 50 minutes, five zero, just standing there where she's not going to do it. An hour and 50 minutes, almost two hours. So she finally does it, and that she's fine. Okay, well, we play. So we go upstate, just two of us, and we're gonna go swimming.

There's just like, country club place in Pennsylvania over the river. Gonna go swimming, she loves it, loves swimming. All right, we're gonna go, we got a gargable saltwater, I don't wanna do that. And I'm not exaggerating for hours where we did not step. We had took a break for lunch. We went over the table, made some lunch, went over the table, came back onto the stepping stool, at the sink, me, right next to her, four hours. She stubborn as fuck. She needs a gargle.

She, yeah. And she said everything to me. And then at one point, she turns me, she's like four and a half. And she goes, like, and she went through every emotion, just stares at me. She goes, I'm going to cut your throat. Staring at me, a four and a half year old. Serious. Serious. I'm going to cut your throat. Four and a half years old. It's like, wow. Yeah. But she eventually gargled it.

And then she didn't have to, she did it a handful of time. She stopped snorting with a skull. Good. You win. I won. Yeah. But, yeah, they say wild shit, dude. It's, I'm going to cut you in the eyes.

Yeah. I'm serious. I'm going to cut your throat. Yeah, see? It's not just my, because I tell to like my youngest who's for him, he told me he's like, I wish I could cut your skin off. He told me and I was like, cool. I don't remember saying that to my mom or dad.

I don't remember ever saying, I'm going to cut your skin off. Yeah, I was like, and where are you? I'm going to wear your skin skin off. Yeah, I was like, what? And where are you? I'm gonna wear your skin suit. You're daddy's skin suit. You're terrible, dad. And parade down the street with your blood and entrails. Okay, man, chill the fuck out. Yeah.

I learned it from you. Well, you know, kids are the worst. No, it's the worst atting the world tour. Sean Patton, who's hilarious, will be on tour with you. The great Sean Patton. Very funny guy. You get your tickets now. This is the first leg.

There'll be more legs. A podcast is to come. Yes, very soon from the world of David Cross. You'll be on it. I'm gonna be on it. I'm gonna fucking bring the heat. Thanks for coming in. Absolutely, my pleasure.

I appreciate you. Again, I really, this is a very enjoyable experience. You're welcome here anytime you want to come. Well, thank you. Absolutely. See you guys next time. Bird and Tom. Tom and Bert.

One goes top and swath the other. Where's the shirt? Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep the clean Here's what we call, two bears one cave No scripts to beat a booze amateur, patology Dirty jokes, ronti humor, no apologies Here's what we call, two bears one cave to Bears 1K.